Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card IX

Summary

Armchair Expert: Armchair Anonymous – Wild Card IX

Podcast: Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Date: November 7, 2025
Hosts: Dax Shepard, Monica Padman, Christina
Theme: Wild Card stories – unpredictable, anonymous, and very human tales from listeners

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Episode Overview

In this "Wild Card IX" installment of Armchair Anonymous, Dax, Monica, and Christina are joined by anonymous callers who share some of the wildest, weirdest, and most memorable stories of their lives. The episode revels in unpredictability, as each caller surprises both the hosts and the audience with tales that traverse bizarre injuries, stalker drama, unlucky rodents, and rescue missions gone awry. Throughout, the tone is candid, irreverent, and deeply empathetic, with the Armchair crew offering both laughter and honest reflections on vulnerability and the messiness of being human.

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Key Stories and Insights

1. Nikki's Slackline Injury (02:54 – 12:15)

Summary:
Nikki, calling from the Rocky Mountain West, recounts a harrowing and unforgettable slackline accident from the summer she turned 18. While slacklining over a dock with friends—amidst the chaos of the Ironman event in North Idaho—she suffers a serious and bloody injury.

Highlights and Memorable Moments:

• Slacklining “was very much a vibe in 2007. There was hookahs and hemp necklaces involved, and you hang out and you’re very cool.” – Nikki (04:07)
• Nikki attempts the slackline, falls, and is hit “100% contact on my vagina.” She’s badly hurt, bleeding profusely, and her male friends panic, proving unhelpful.
• Desperate, they summon her best friend Jessica, who wraps Nikki in a towel “like a sumo wrestler diaper” to waddle her through crowds of Ironman athletes (07:21).
• In an ER full of familiar faces—including her high school principal—Nikki is treated (without stitches, against medical advice) for a “decent gouge.”
• A month later at college, her infamous injury has become legend—dubbed “ER vagina girl, slackline girl”—but ultimately becomes an icebreaker for new friendships.
• Quote:
  “The doctor comes in... he says, ‘You’re gonna need stitches’... I said, ‘Just put a sticker on there, a little butterfly.’” – Nikki (09:57)

Hosts’ Reactions:

• Monica: “This is a 911.”
• Christina: “You learned what they were made of”—on Nikki’s unhelpful dude friends (10:31).
• Dax: “Did you ever slackline again?” (12:26)

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2. Riley and the Manipulative 'Lord of the Rings Guy' (13:28 – 27:43)

Summary:
Riley, from the Philly suburbs, details a chilling encounter that begins as a summer friendship with a fellow Temple University student and spirals into emotional manipulation, stalker behavior, and a staged suicide scare.

Key Events:

• Riley befriends “Dan,” who quickly develops romantic feelings. Their first kiss is followed by Dan’s concerning confession: “I could see myself falling in love with you.” (16:23)
• After Riley rejects his romantic advances, Dan’s behavior becomes obsessive: blowing up her phone, lurking near her home, and wandering campus (even after dropping out).
• He fabricates being robbed at gunpoint to garner sympathy and attention (21:49).
• The manipulation culminates in a staged suicide attempt:
  • “I just wanted to say this isn’t your fault. Goodbye.” (22:51)
  • Riley, panicked, eventually learns (thanks to a suicide hotline worker) that Dan is perfectly fine at home, watching TV.
• Riley later finds out the robbery story was a fabrication, and Dan continues to harass her via blocked phone calls.
• Quote:
  “That was a lot of unanswered texts…getting really mad. He was like, ‘I can’t believe you’re not answering me.’ And I was like, you know what? I’m kind of done with this.” – Riley (22:18)

Reflection:

• Christina: “What y’all women deal with, man?” (25:54)
• Riley, now a therapist, notes the foreshadowing: “It’s interesting now because I work with a lot of people who have suicidal ideation. I can handle it.” (26:40)
• Monica: “Cautionary tale, slash lesson, don’t have...” (27:01)

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3. Christina's Mouse-in-the-Water-Bottle Trauma (28:02 – 37:56)

Summary:
Christina (from New Hampshire) innocently brings a water bottle on a road trip, only to discover a city mouse drowned inside—after days of drinking and refilling from it.

Notable Moments:

• Story begins on a freezing January day, with Christina mentioning her ever-present pink stainless steel water bottle (29:22).
• After returning from Boston, she experiences odd textures and a “funky taste” from her bottle for days (31:03).
• The horrid reveal comes at home: “What came out? A soaking wet, stiff as a board… mouse.” (32:36)
• Hosts are aghast, particularly Monica (“Moni’s fucking shook” 32:44), as Christina explains how common this is for bottles left in cars. Her sister, a veterinarian, confirms it happens “constantly” (34:11).
• Christina is prescribed deworming medication and antibiotics as a precaution.
• Quote:
  “You had filled it up seven times with that mouse in there.” – Christina (34:58)

PSA:

• “Do not leave water bottles in your car ever again.” (36:04)
• Monica: “We just crushed the stainless steel water bottle industry.” (35:51)
• Dax: “Did you throw up?” (36:46)

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4. Zelda's ‘Blowjob to Search-and-Rescue’ Mountaintop Disaster (42:34 – 55:44)

Summary:
Zelda, from a tiny Colorado mountain town, recounts a disaster that resulted from a hike, weed, outdoor intimacy, and poor planning—with a literal helicopter rescue as the climax.

Key Sequence:

• Zelda and her then-boyfriend Fred embark on a hike in San Diego’s Discovery Canso. Packing Nutri-Grain bars and weed, they underestimate the challenge ahead (47:11).
• In pursuit of privacy for a post-hike outdoor tryst (“We like to get freaky outside” 47:23), they venture off-trail, get lost, and realize their phones have almost no battery.
• As it gets dark and cold, Fred injures himself in a failed “parkour” attempt. Zelda refuses to take any uphill detours—“downhill is the way out” (49:39).
• With coyotes circling and panic mounting, they call for help. Luckily, a previous text for help had gone through—rescue is already on the way (52:04).
• The couple is airlifted to the Barona Casino, battered, sunburned, and out of cash.

Notable Quotes:

• “I gave a blowjob that turned into search and rescue.” – Zelda (54:14)
• “Did it permanently kind of change your opinion of Fred?”
  Zelda: “It was immediately done. That was the last blowjob Fred got from me.” (54:22)

Sincere Moment:

• Zelda thanks Dax and Monica for their roles in her recovery from addiction.
  “Dax, you’re definitely the biggest part that made me take that final step…Monica, you softened my heart a lot towards the other side.” (54:53)

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5. Hosts’ Reflections on 'The Ick', Relationship Dynamics, and Gender (55:51 – 57:34)

Discussion:

• Monica confesses an “anti-feminist” reflection about the concept of ‘the ick’—the gut feeling of someone being unattractive for arbitrary reasons—and how it's often seen as more socially acceptable for women to discuss than men.
• Christina shares a Charlie Sheen anecdote about “wanting to yell taxi” in a red-flag dating moment.
• Dax closes with some reflections, noting, “We’re all very specific with our ickiness.” (57:32)

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• “The doctor comes in... he says, ‘You’re gonna need stitches’... I said, ‘Just put a sticker on there, a little butterfly.’” – Nikki (09:57)
• “I could see myself falling in love with you.” – Dan (Riley’s story) (16:23)
• “What came out? A soaking wet, stiff as a board… mouse.” – Christina (guest with mouse story) (32:36)
• “I gave a blowjob that turned into search and rescue.” – Zelda (54:14)
• “We’re all very specific with our ickiness.” – Dax Shepard (57:32)

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Timestamps for Major Segments

• Slackline Injury (Nikki): 02:54 – 12:15
• Manipulative Lord of the Rings Guy (Riley): 13:28 – 27:43
• The Mouse Water Bottle (Christina): 28:02 – 37:56
• Blowjob Rescue (Zelda): 42:34 – 55:44
• Hosts’ Relationship ‘Ick’ Reflections: 55:51 – 57:34

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Tone, Language, and Style

The episode is candid, humorous, occasionally gross-out (especially on rodent and bodily injury stories), but always empathetic. Storytellers and hosts speak openly about embarrassment, fear, and the bizarre consequences of mundane decisions. Female guests and hosts highlight the complexities of gendered experiences—especially around safety, boundaries, and relationships. The hosts support, joke, and commiserate in equal measure, keeping the show both light-hearted and thoughtful.

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Final Thoughts

This Wild Card episode exemplifies Armchair Expert’s distinctive blend of relatability, hilarity, and thoughtfulness—proving, yet again, the “messiness of being human” makes for endlessly fascinating storytelling. The hosts’ reflections and guests’ candor turn wild tales into windows on vulnerability, growth, and the healing power of community—and laughter.

Transcript

[Dax Shepard]

Wondry plus subscribers can listen to Armchair Expert early and ad free right now. Join Wondry plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts or you can listen for free wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome, welcome welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dax Shepard and I'm joined by Monica Padman.

[Monica Padman]

Hi.

[Dax Shepard]

Our favorite prom. Well, that's not entirely true.

[Christina]

Evacuation's our favorite.

[Dax Shepard]

But second to that is Wild Card.

[Christina]

And we're often blessed with an evacuation.

[Dax Shepard]

Evacuation story within wildcard.

[Monica Padman]

That's right.

[Dax Shepard]

Yes. Yeah.

[Christina]

This spans the whole map of different possibilities.

[Dax Shepard]

So love Wild Card. Keep them coming. Keep submitting Wild Cards.

[Monica Padman]

Yes, we have that prompt up all the time, so feel free to submit at any time.

[Dax Shepard]

Yes, please Enjoy wild card number 9oo. We are supported by Allstate. You know what's smart? Checking Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds on car insurance. You know what's not smart? Not checking your phone's volume before blasting your morning pump up playlist in the office break room. Or not checking that your laptop camera's off before joining the meeting in your robe or something I'm a little too familiar with not checking your grocery list before heading to the store and realizing you bought everything except what you needed. Yeah, checking first is smart, so check Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings vary subject to terms condition, availability. Allstate North American Insurance Company and Affiliates, Northbrook, IL this episode is brought to you by Audible. Love can take many forms. Sometimes it's a chance encounter at a gas station that turns into a ten year relationship. Other times it's texting someone you up and accidentally falling in love. Audible's collection of romance audiobooks has it all. Think relatable situationships, historical scandals, forbidden magic, and yes, plenty of stories that are headphones only. Wink, wink. Hear modern rom coms from authors like Leanne Slade and Emily Henry. The latest romantic fantasy series from Sarah J. Maas and Lauren Roberts, Regency favorites like Pride and Prejudice, plus all the steamy stuff. Whether it's a duke, a billionaire, or a winged lord from the Night Court, your first great love story is free when you sign up for a 30 day trial at audible.comdax hard times come.

[Christina]

And go, good times take them slow. My life, I had them both. Remember one thing you gotta know, Imma keep on shining. Hello. Hi. Normally I would say hi blank. Nice to meet you. But of course we're gonna use a fake name. So have you picked One I have not.

[Nikki]

Do you have a fake name?

[Christina]

I do, because I'm looking at my Nicorette spray and I'm gonna say your name is Nikki.

[Nikki]

I'll take it. Nikki's fun.

[Zelda]

Okay.

[Christina]

So, Nikki, where are you?

[Nikki]

I am in the Rocky Mountain West.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay.

[Christina]

Okay. I like to find patterns and sometimes they're really not there. But I do think of the many people that remained anonymous. It tends to be in that Rocky Mountain area.

[Zelda]

Whoa.

[Christina]

I'm having, like, a few other memories. Pac Northwest and Rocky Mountain people like to keep it a little quiet.

[Monica Padman]

I like that theory.

[Nikki]

My track.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, so you have a wild card.

[Christina]

Story, which is always our favorite because we have no clue what you're going to tell us about.

[Nikki]

I will say I did put it in for another prompt and it didn't work out. So I'm glad it's in the wild card now, but I'm not going to give any clues on the other prompt. Okay?

[Zelda]

Okay.

[Christina]

Okay. Good, good, good. Keep us in the dark.

[Nikki]

This happened in North Idaho, summer of 2007. I am freshly 18, so I decide with a couple of my guy friends that we're going to bike downtown to the lake and we are going to take our slack line. Do you know what a slack line is?

[Christina]

Is that the thing you balance on? You tie it to a couple tree trunks and try to walk across it?

[Nikki]

Exactly. It's like an inch and a half piece of webbing. You do little circus activities.

[Christina]

You've seen that, right, Moni?

[Monica Padman]

I think so, yeah.

[Christina]

It looks very hard.

[Nikki]

It was very much a vibe in 2007. There was hookahs and hemp necklaces involved, and you hang out and you're very cool.

[Christina (guest with mouse story)]

Yeah.

[Christina]

It felt like it was adjacent to the hacky sack.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, sure.

[Nikki]

We get our bikes, we get our slackline, and we go downtown and we're going to go down to a boat slip down on the docks and tie the slack line up between two pillars.

[Dax Shepard]

Genius. So you'll fall into the water?

[Nikki]

Yep. We pedal down there and Ironman is going on. So downtown is absolutely swamped. Every parking lot is filled. There's bicyclists. There's all these ripped ultra athletes wandering around. There's tents, there's speakers. We're like, okay. So we shimmy through all of this. We still go down to the boat launch. We hook our slack line up, cinch it down, and the guys are like, you can hop up first. So I hop up, make it about halfway across the line. I fall and the line snaps me pretty hard. Right between the legs. And I fall into the water. When you say you have 100% contact on my vagina, I fall into the water completely, have my breath taken away, come out gasping, doggy paddle to the edge of the dock. And I'm like, oh, this is bad. Something is not good here. I get up out of the water.

[Monica Padman]

What if you saw your vagina floating?

[Christina]

And then you go catch that vagina.

[Monica Padman]

Like when you see your bathing suit bottoms floating?

[Christina (guest with mouse story)]

Oh.

[Nikki]

I stand up and blood is just pouring out of me.

[Christina]

Ow.

[Christina (guest with mouse story)]

Ow.

[Nikki]

There's a puddle of blood and these two guys are staring at me, just panicked. And one of them says, get back in the water. And I'm like, oh, okay. So I hop back in the water. Now I can't see the blood pouring out of me. I'm face to face of the pool of blood in front of me. And I'm looking around and the water's all shiny and glistening and there's just gasoline and oil from the boats all over. And I'm like, there's definitely an open wound. I probably shouldn't be in the water. So I jump back out and the blood starts pouring again. These guys are zero help. They're panicking and they say, I'm going to call Jessica, who's my best friend. So they call Jessica and they say, jessica, something happened to Nikki. She's hurt. You need to bring towels and come down here. And that's all the information she gets.

[Christina]

And just to be clear, Jessica is not an emt. She's not a healthcare worker. She's just a gal pal who might know about periods is what they're thinking.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, they're associating this with the period.

[Christina]

Bring tampons.

[Christina (guest with mouse story)]

I guess.

[Nikki]

Jessica is a pretty shy, straight and arrow girl who's just down to take care of her friends. At this time, I've decided that it's better for me to sit on the dock because then we don't see the blood falling as far. And I'm concerned about the murder scene that I'm sitting in and fancy people walking by. And so I'm trying to put water to dilute the blood that's on the dock. In the meantime, the guys have decided they'll take down the slack line. They're just trying to be busy. Not by my blood.

[Christina]

Yeah. And they're 18 as well.

[Dax Shepard]

Or ish.

[Nikki]

Yep. Jessica comes down, but she has to park a quarter mile, half mile away because there's so much chaos downtown. So she comes down with this beige towel and the most Logical thing is to wrap me up kind of like a sumo wrestler diaper. I'm in my swimsuit, and this diaper waddling through all of these iron men from all around the world. And the beige towel is going from beige to red.

[Monica Padman]

This is a 91 1.

[Nikki]

I kn. We get into the car, finally.

[Zelda]

I grew up poor.

[Nikki]

I was like, I'm not going to the doctor. I think we just need to go get eyes on this. We don't really know what's going on yet. And so Jessica was like, sure. So we went to Jessica's house. I hop in the shower, and I can't really get a visual on what's going on. I can feel a decent gouge. I can't see it. And so I decide Jessica needs to come in. Not part of our friendship in the past. This is a really new level for us. So I'm in the shower. She's trying to position herself, like, under me to get a visual on what's happening. And she's like, there's a decent gouge at this time. My grandmother calls my grandma's, who I get life advice from. And so I had told her on the car ride over, I had called her, she called her sister. So, like, my great aunt.

[Christina]

Yeah, let's get everyone involved.

[Monica Padman]

So far, no one's contacted a doctor.

[Nikki]

Great aunt Susie says, you need to go to the ER right now. It can be a hematoma. Call my mom, who I'm not overly close with, but I'm like, mom, you gotta come get me. We gotta go to the ER at this time. I have, like, a super pad on and pants. And I walk into the ER and the first person I see is my high school principal.

[Christina]

Oh, wonderful.

[Nikki]

His son was my age. Star quarterback of the football team. Very attractive kid.

[Zelda]

I'm like, great.

[Nikki]

This is really special.

[Christina]

Was his dick bleeding? Hopefully. I mean, that would neutralize everything.

[Monica Padman]

Maybe this is a meet cute story.

[Nikki]

Since we don't know. I finally get called back. Another guy that I go to school with. Mom is my nurse. I get in the stirrups. The doctor comes in. At this point in my life, I've never been to a gynecologist. I've never had my vaginal area medically examined. He pulls out a swab that's like 12 inches long. He starts swabbing around. He says, you're gonna need stitches. I'm bawling. I'm like, I can't. I don't want stitches. So he says, well, if you don't get stitches, you'll have a scar, and somebody's gonna be able to see it later in your life.

[Christina]

Weird incentive to pitch.

[Nikki]

It was very strange, but I said, I can't really see it. So I'm gonna just say, we don't need stitches. Just put a sticker on there, a little butterfly. And that's what we do. So I go on with my life. About a month later, I go to college and I see some kids at the slack line. I have no friends. I'm just trying to make friends.

[Monica Padman]

This is horrible.

[Zelda]

You're vulnerable.

[Christina]

Yeah. You're in a compromised situation. And there, your pathway to friendship, the slipper line or whatever.

[Monica Padman]

It didn't work last time, though, because those guys sucked. And it's like, maybe those aren't the people.

[Christina]

But it did reveal.

[Nikki]

What did it reveal?

[Christina]

That you can't go hiking with them, like, on a big trip, like you learned what they were made of.

[Nikki]

So I approached the slack line. I'm hanging out.

[Christina]

Oh, fuck.

[Nikki]

And one of the guys says, I heard this story about a girl who fell off the slack line and was bleeding all over downtown and had to be taken to the er. And one of the other young people says, like, in an ambulance? And he's like, yeah, like, in an ambulance. And I'm like, this story sounds pretty familiar. I said, I think I might be the person you're telling a story about. I think I am her. She is me. But I could not track how these people would know this. And so they tell me, this happened in Idaho. And I said, I'm that girl. Knowing that now all of these strangers have some kind of question of what's going on with my vagina. Because the story ends this way. It did lead to friendship. It also led to me being, like, the ER vagina girl, slackline girl for a while until a new slackline injury happened and somebody else ended up in the er. They literally almost lost their leg.

[Zelda]

Oh.

[Christina]

I mean, it's not that this is dangerous. Like, you prove you can do it, but is it that fun?

[Nikki]

I know, but that's how I made some friends on my first day of college.

[Monica Padman]

Oh.

[Zelda]

First day of school.

[Christina]

And did you have any other residual issues? It's not like that area ever opened up on you unexpectedly or anything.

[Nikki]

It was tender. I didn't ride my bike for a while. I will say nobody has ever commented on a scar existing and that being an issue, mostly everything's good to go.

[Christina]

Okay, wonderful. This has a happy ending, then?

[Nikki]

It does. A very happy ending.

[Christina]

Oh, that sounds absolutely terrible, though.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah. You can feel it. I can feel it. I can feel it.

[Christina]

Just imagine, like a seat belt of a car. Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

It's just awful.

[Dax Shepard]

Did you ever slackline again?

[Nikki]

I did.

[Dax Shepard]

You did.

[Christina (guest with mouse story)]

Wow.

[Christina]

Did you wear, like, a lady cup or anything?

[Nikki]

No, but you can't cinch the line down so tight. It was so tight that the force. There wasn't any give.

[Christina]

Okay, you want a nice bit of give if you're gonna yuck.

[Nikki]

Or you want to hit the line flat. I'm guessing the line had twisted, and maybe I hit it sharp.

[Christina]

I don't even have one, and I can feel it. I. Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

Thanks for sharing that.

[Christina]

Thank you, Nikki.

[Nikki]

Yeah. Thanks for having me. This has been so fun. Armchair Anonymous is a part of my family's routine. Weekly with kids. With kids. I usually scan it, but they're big enough that something comes up. We just fast forward.

[Christina]

We had no idea we were creating a kid show, but that is what we learned.

[Dax Shepard]

Yep.

[Nikki]

I'm just gonna play it for them. They don't know I'm meeting with you all.

[Monica Padman]

Fantastic.

[Christina]

Let's see if they get Mom's voice.

[Monica Padman]

How fun.

[Zelda]

Yeah.

[Christina]

All right, well, lovely meeting you. Thanks so much for telling us that.

[Nikki]

You too.

[Christina]

All right, take care.

[Zelda]

Hi.

[Christina (guest with mouse story)]

Hello.

[Zelda]

Hello.

[Dax Shepard]

Is this Riley?

[Riley]

Yes, this is Riley.

[Christina]

How are you and where are you and who's a skateboarder in your life? You?

[Riley]

My fiance. I'm actually in his studio, and I am currently in the suburbs outside of Philly.

[Christina]

Oh, we don't get a ton of Philly suburbs, folks. We like it.

[Monica Padman]

We'd like for you to spread the word a little more on our behalf.

[Riley]

Well, I feel like everyone in my life listens to this, but I've realized that not many people know how to submit to this. That has since changed since I've told my friends I was gonna be on it.

[Christina]

Yeah, I'm not sure I would know how to submit to this.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, you just go onto the website.

[Christina]

And you see armchairexpertpod.com.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay. I guess it's easy.

[Riley]

It is.

[Christina]

So you have a wild card story, which is our favorite, because we have no clue what you're gonna say.

[Riley]

Yes. And I don't think I'm gonna even give you any information beforehand. The story takes place in 2015 in Philadelphia. It was the summer I was going into my junior year of college. Something else to note is that I went to temple. That's important just for, like, some of the things that go on.

[Christina]

And when you say temple, you mean Jewish temple?

[Riley]

No, Temple University.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, I also. I'm glad you checked.

[Riley]

At Temple during the summer, everyone pretty much goes home. It's completely empty.

[Christina]

Where's it at? Forgive my ignorance.

[Riley]

It's in North Philly.

[Dax Shepard]

Is it pretty.

[Riley]

The campus is. The surrounding area is considered pretty dangerous.

[Zelda]

Oh, okay.

[Christina]

Fun.

[Riley]

Yeah. But temple is strange. Cause it's like this oasis within North Philly. Like, you go on campus and there's trees. It's kind of weird to be like, oh, I just walked through all these bad neighborhoods and got followed on my way to campus. And now I'm among the trees and the benches and the flowers.

[Monica Padman]

Weird. Yeah.

[Christina]

I think that's the USC experience as well.

[Monica Padman]

I think it's actually a lot of colleges.

[Dax Shepard]

A lot of colleges, yeah.

[Riley]

Basically, I was alone for the summer. All my friends went home. I stayed because I worked and my mom lived an hour away. And I was like, I have no car. I'm just going to stay here. So one of my friends was like, there's this guy. We'll call him Dan for the sake of the podcast. She's like, oh, Dan's still on campus. Why don't you start hanging out with him? And I was like, why not? He seemed nice enough the couple of times I met him. And so he was nice, but kind of strange. But we were both a bit lonely, so we just struck up a friendship that mainly consisted of us going to campus, meeting up, just like, sitting, talking, nothing romantic happening. Not at this point. So one day we decided to hang out at his house, which was on the complete opposite side of campus from me, and watch the Lord of the Rings because I had never seen it, and apparently that was criminal.

[Christina]

Kind of know what kind of guy he is now. I have at least a pretty good clue.

[Riley]

I feel like you'll get a really good clue as to what kind of guy he is.

[Christina]

Just know that I've never told a woman.

[Dax Shepard]

Like, you haven't seen Lord of the Rings?

[Monica Padman]

So many people say that to me.

[Zelda]

I get that a lot.

[Riley]

Cause I still haven't seen it.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, exciting. Okay.

[Riley]

I go to his house and we do kiss. But as soon as he pulls away, he looks at me and goes, I could see myself falling in love with you.

[Christina]

Oh, boy.

[Riley]

Yeah. And I immediately was like, well, oh, shit. I thought we were just lonely and keeping each other company.

[Dax Shepard]

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[Monica Padman]

They really do. They've got the sweaters, but they also have homeware. You can get all of your holiday shopping done just on quintessential home bath, kitchen.

[Dax Shepard]

You name it, you can get it. It is a great place for gifts.

[Monica Padman]

I ordered some sheets, some really, really amazing sheets. They're also so cute. They, they're striped. I love quints and I feel like it's a hack. Honestly. It's like the quality is so good and it's so reasonable.

[Dax Shepard]

This season's lineup is simple but smart and Easy with Quint's $50 Mongolian cashmere sweaters that feel like an everyday luxury and wool coats that are equal parts stylish and durable. By partnering directly with ethical factories and top artisans, Quince cuts out the middlemen to deliver premium quality at half the cost of other high end brands. So you can give luxury quality pieces without the luxury price tag. Give and get timeless holiday staples that last this season with quints. Go to quint.com stacks for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada too. That's qu Q-I-N c e.com Dax Free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com Dax we are supported by Better Help. You know what's wild? October 10th is World Mental Health Day and it got me thinking about all the incredible therapists out there making a real difference. Better Help therapists alone have helped over 5 million people worldwide. That's a lot of lives changed one conversation at a time.

[Monica Padman]

I love my therapist so much. I saw her twice last week after my personal tragedy. She was so helpful in helping me process everything.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, finding the right therapist can feel overwhelming, but BetterHelp makes it simple. They've spent 12 plus years perfecting their match system, connecting people with licensed professionals from their network of over 30,000 therapists. And with an average session rating of 4.9 out of 5 based on over 1.7 million client reviews, they're clearly doing something right. This World Mental Health Day, we're celebrating the therapists who have helped millions of people take a step. If you're ready to find the right therapist for you, BetterHelp can help you start that journey. Armchairs get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.comDax that's BetterHelp H E L P.comDax this podcast is brought to you by Squarespace, the all in one website platform designed to help you stand out and Succeed Online, the website for armchair expert. I was too afraid to try. I didn't want to build it. I didn't think I had the skillset. But Rob got on there. He made the most beautiful website for us and he said it was incredibly easy. You do not have to be tech savvy.

[Monica Padman]

They have a really cool feature, it's called the blueprint AI feature. And you basically tell it what you're trying to do, like in our case, showcase the podcast, obviously host our archive, that kind of thing. And it builds you a custom website that actually looks really legit.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, the other thing that's been crucial for us is their SEO tools. Look, I don't even know what SEO meant when we started, but it's basically what helps people find you online. Squarespace handles all technical stuff automatically so you don't have to think about it. It's all pretty straightforward and it actually works, which is really all I care about at the end of the day. So head to squarespace.comdax for a free trial. And when you're ready to Launch, use code DAX to save 10% on your first purchase of a website or domain.

[Riley]

So I go to leave and I had ridden my bike there, and my bike tires are stolen and it was nighttime and I lived pretty far and it's dangerous and I had like a job where I was making $7 an hour. I wasn't gonna take a ride share, so I had to stay the night, which I understand now. I should have just risked walking home.

[Monica Padman]

Well, I don't know.

[Christina]

I mean, you got a couple of shitty options.

[Riley]

Yeah, it wasn't great. I leave and I tell him I only wanna be friends. He got really mad, was blowing up my phone, dozens of unanswered texts. It got out of hand pretty quickly and so I just had to cut off contact completely. This started a whole slew of weird occurrences where I'd walk outside of my house and I would see him riding his bike, which didn't make sense because I lived among nothing. No one had to be there, and.

[Christina]

He lived on the opposite side.

[Riley]

And then he actually dropped out of school. But I would see him wandering campus all the time, like I'd be sitting on a bench. There he is. He was just always there. So a few months went by and I get a text from him that says, hey, Riley, I know we're not friends right now, but something bad happened. I really need someone to talk to. This is a time in my life where I had pretty poor boundaries. I was painfully empathetic. And I'm like, oh, my God. This person has no one to talk to. I have to talk to them.

[Christina]

They weaponized your empathy.

[Riley]

Yes, they did. And so I was like, okay, well, I'm going to my mom's later. I have 30 minutes. I'm taking the train. I could talk to you until then. He's like, okay, yeah, great, great. So we meet up, and he tells me that his house was robbed and that he was held at gunpoint. And this wasn't like, a crazy thing. This happened at temple. And he seemed shaken up, so I felt really bad. I was like, oh, my God, that's horrible. Don't want you to get held at gunpoint.

[Christina]

I don't wish that. Even on my stalker.

[Nikki]

Yeah.

[Zelda]

Yeah.

[Riley]

I was like, okay, well, I have to go to my mom's. You can text me and I'll be busy, but I can answer when I can. He's like, oh, my God, yeah, thank you. Like, whatever you can do. But apparently that, like, wasn't okay, because I got there and again, like, a bunch of unanswered texts getting really mad. He's like, I can't believe you're not answering me. And I was like, you know what? I'm kind of done with this. I tried to be nice. I told you the deal. You said it was okay. So a week goes by, and this is where things get kind of crazy. I get a text from him one morning and it goes, hey, Riley, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry and this isn't your fault. Goodbye.

[Christina]

Oh. Oh, he's breaking up with you?

[Monica Padman]

No, he's gonna kill himself.

[Riley]

Oh, that was my thought. I was like, oh, my God, That's a suicide text, right?

[Christina]

Yeah.

[Riley]

And so I call him and I'm like, what the hell is that supposed to mean? And he was like, well, you're not stupid. You know what that means. And so I was like, well, where are you? He's like, I'm just walking around, waiting it out. He's hinting that he's taken something and he's just essentially waiting to die, but.

[Christina]

Available for a chat.

[Riley]

Sent me a text message, really wanted me to know. So I'm freaking out. He hangs up on me. He won't tell me where he is. I'm calling him. He'll, like, answer. And the thing also that is so strange is that throughout the call, he's sounding more lethargic. He's groaning, grumbling, like, sounds how I would imagine someone who has taken a bunch of pills, right?

[Christina]

So he's performing a bit of an od.

[Riley]

Something's happening. I called the police. They're like, well, we can't do anything.

[Monica Padman]

Really? They can't just go to a wellness check?

[Christina]

Not in North Philly. They're like, we got bigger fish to fry.

[Riley]

So I end up calling the suicide hotline. Because this is also for people who need support.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, great.

[Riley]

This poor man, he's being so kind, and he's, like, calming me down. Cause I'm on the phone. Like, I don't know what to do. He stopped answering me. I'm like, he's dead. So I use Google Earth to find his exact address. Cause I didn't know what it was. I'm, like, zooming in on all the houses on his street, and I find it. And the suicide hotline guy ends up calling the police for me. Cause I think they are held more accountable when they call. And then he calls me back, and he goes, you're not gonna believe this, but he's at his house just watching tv. He's fine. Hasn't taken anything. I was in such a state of shock, where I was like, he literally sounded dead. What a performance. And so as I'm on the phone with this guy, I get a call from Dan. I'm like, oh, my God. He's calling me. And the suicide hotline guy is like, you need to cut things off with this person. This person is unwell. Like, don't talk to him anymore. I was like, yes, yes. Okay. So I answer, and he's on the phone. He's like, why the fuck are the cops at my house? You told me you were dying. What did you expect me to do? He was like, well, you could have just talked to me.

[Zelda]

Hey.

[Dax Shepard]

Ugh, puke.

[Monica Padman]

I know.

[Christina]

I don't like it.

[Riley]

So I was like, okay, well, now I'm never gonna talk to you again. Yeah, I blocked him. I found out about a month later that the robbery thing was fake. We had a friend who was his old roommate. And so he was like, no, I actually got mugged on the street. It had nothing to do with him. So that was all just a big manipulation to get me to, like, talk to him. And then I would get, like, blocked phone calls for about a year after. And it would always correlate when he was, like, looking at my story. Really strange behavior. So that's the story about how someone pretended to die on the phone with me.

[Christina]

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, what y' all women deal with, man?

[Monica Padman]

The manipulation is so.

[Christina]

I hate to say it, but the Lord of the Rings for me was the first red flag.

[Monica Padman]

Don't say that. We have a lot of Lord of the Rings listeners.

[Riley]

Callie loves it.

[Christina]

She tells you to watch it. Go ahead and watch it.

[Riley]

Yeah, I still haven't seen it. I was in Norway with my friend Cass, and she was like, you have to watch this. I'm like, well, the last time I watched this, it began an obsession. I feel like it's cursed for me. I haven't gotten past the first 20 minutes of the movie.

[Monica Padman]

Wow. I'm sorry that happened. That's really yucky.

[Christina]

The best case scenario can be for you women is minimally. It's inconvenient. Like, hey, you gotta fucking deal with all this crap. And then seeing someone. Oh, man. If I looked outside and saw a chick I had broke up with riding her bike in front of my house, I would panic. I'm like, oh, my God, what am I supposed to do?

[Riley]

It's interesting now because I'm a therapist. I work with a lot of people who have suicidal ideation. It's something I'm comfortable working with now. I feel like that just shocked me. But now I'm like, I can handle it.

[Monica Padman]

Right, Interesting.

[Christina]

So maybe this is a glass half full. This is to set you on a.

[Monica Padman]

Path, perhaps cautionary tale, but slash a lesson don't have.

[Christina]

We had prompts that were like an event you thought was bad, but turned out exactly, in retrospect, to be good. A blessing in disguise. Blessing in disguise.

[Riley]

Well, I don't know about that. I was kind of on this track before that.

[Christina]

Let's not go that far.

[Riley]

I really couldn't have done without this.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

All right.

[Christina]

We take all that back. I'm just always trying to put a nice, positive spin on everything. It's not necessary. Lovely meeting you.

[Riley]

It was lovely meeting you too. My friend Cass said if she ever got on, she would do a shout out to me. And now I feel like I'd be a dick if I didn't do it.

[Monica Padman]

That's fair.

[Dax Shepard]

To Cass.

[Riley]

To Cass.

[Monica Padman]

Shout out.

[Christina]

Love the name.

[Riley]

Me too.

[Christina]

Big shout out.

[Monica Padman]

Cass loves Lord of the Rings. And Cass loves Armchair Expert.

[Christina]

Okay, I'm gonna have to take everything back.

[Riley]

Well, thank you so much, guys. It was so nice to meet you.

[Dax Shepard]

Have a good rest of your day. Bye.

[Christina]

Christina.

[Christina (guest with mouse story)]

Yes.

[Zelda]

Hi.

[Christina]

How are you?

[Zelda]

Good.

[Christina (guest with mouse story)]

How are you guys today?

[Dax Shepard]

Wonderful.

[Christina]

Where are you?

[Christina (guest with mouse story)]

I live in New Hampshire.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, look, we're hitting some new spots today.

[Christina]

Yeah, we are. And I like that we're in The Northeast.

[Christina (guest with mouse story)]

I mean, it's fall foliage season. You can't beat this time of year.

[Christina]

Oh, lovely. Okay, so you have a wild card story, which are our favorites, because we have no clue what you're going to tell us.

[Christina (guest with mouse story)]

All right, let's get started. So this all started in January of this year.

[Christina]

Recent.

[Christina (guest with mouse story)]

Very recent. And it was a freezing cold day, as January days typically are in New Hampshire. This was the kind of day that you go outside and within two to three minutes, your nose hairs feel like they're completely frozen. So I was taking my daughter and her friend and her friend's mom down to Boston College for a lacrosse camp for the day. We parked in the closest parking garage that we could find to the stadium so that we didn't have to walk outside very much. So we dropped the girls off at lacrosse and then headed out to get sushi in Boston together. So I don't know about y', all, but I love a lot of soy sauce with my sushi.

[Christina]

Yeah, sure, Me too.

[Christina (guest with mouse story)]

So we spent about three and a half hours just enjoying a relaxing dinner out, and then we headed back to Boston to get the girls. So I forgot to tell you that I am a thirsty person. At baseline, I have the water bottle with me everywhere I go. And I usually have a pink stainless steel water bottle that if I'm going somewhere for five minutes, I have it. Or if I'm gone for the day, I literally choose purses based on if I can fit a water bottle.

[Dax Shepard]

It's your blankie.

[Zelda]

It is.

[Monica Padman]

A lot of people do this.

[Christina]

The girls all have steel water bottles we leave the house with, and then they leave in my car, and it sounds like bowling balls rolling around in the backseat. Of all the blankies to have, I think it's the best, probably water.

[Christina (guest with mouse story)]

It's a good one. But when you add soy sauce on top of already a thirsty person. I was absolutely parched when I got back in the car. And of course, I had drank my water bottle as we traveled from New Hampshire to Boston. So I didn't have any water left. So when we arrived to pick up the girls at bc, as if the hydration gods had spoken. And there was a huge cooler of smart water, like the fancy alkaline kind at the camp. So I helped myself to one of those. We got everybody back in the car, I poured it through the spout of my water bottle, and we continued on our way back up to New Hampshire. So it was an uneventful evening. We went to bed. Alarms went off the next morning, and it was Monday, so I have about a 35 minute commute to work. And so one of my routines in the morning is that I bring coffee and water in the car and I force myself to basically have a sip of coffee and then a sip of water. Mostly just to feel adequately hydrated and adequately caffeinated before I get to work every day. Yeah, and my 9 year old son frequently makes my coffee in the morning. And let's just say that quality control is not his forte.

[Christina]

Sure, sure, sure.

[Monica Padman]

That's so sweet though.

[Christina]

A lot of variety in each morning's batch.

[Christina (guest with mouse story)]

So on this particular morning, about six minutes into my drive, I have kind of a gritty piece of something in my mouth. This isn't super out of the ordinary for me. Again, coffee grounds are a frequent thing that I find in my coffee. So I pick it out of my mouth and it's white, not brown.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, interesting.

[Christina (guest with mouse story)]

So it's not a coffee ground. But again, my son has creative freedom with coffee making. I've had candy canes in my coffee, Hershey Kisses.

[Christina]

Are there any ceramics in the mix? Like I'm thinking what could be white in your coffee? Is it broken ceramics?

[Christina (guest with mouse story)]

No, it's in a stainless steel coffee mug. I continue on with my drive. I also noticed that my water tastes a little funky this morning. So I'm really wondering what is in my coffee today because the water just didn't taste quite right. But again it was the fancy alkaline water from the night before. Drank my whole coffee, drank my water all the way to work. So I work in a healthcare office and so I see patients all day long. So I had a really busy day. Patients back to back mid morning. I stop and I fill up my water at the water cooler and I notice near the spout of the water it almost looks like tiny calcifications where you put your mouth and I think maybe it's lip gloss, I don't know. I scratch at it a little bit, nothing comes off. So I make a mental note to just make sure to soak my water bottle when I go home for the night. I continue through my day and head around 5:20. So when I get home I'm there with my 12 year old daughter and I bring my water bottle over to the sink. I squirt some water right through the spout where I found those calcifications and I flipped my water upside down just to let it soak for a little bit to get it real clean. About five minutes later I unscrew the lid and I Dump my water into the sink. And what came out? A soaking wet, stiff as a board.

[Zelda]

Dead. No.

[Christina (guest with mouse story)]

Mouse.

[Riley]

No.

[Zelda]

Oh.

[Monica Padman]

How.

[Christina]

Oh. Moni's fucking shook.

[Christina (guest with mouse story)]

Monica, I sent Emma a picture. No.

[Christina]

When and where did a mouse get in there?

[Christina (guest with mouse story)]

So my first thought was maybe that this was a prank.

[Christina]

Oh, I don't think Monica can look. There's no way looking at that's gonna do you any good.

[Riley]

I have to fuck.

[Christina]

You're not gonna be Well, I told you not to.

[Riley]

No, no.

[Christina]

It's fucking enormous. We're calling it a mouse, but also maybe a rat.

[Monica Padman]

Ew. It's tails.

[Zelda]

Ew.

[Christina (guest with mouse story)]

It was enormous.

[Christina]

How could this possibly happen?

[Christina (guest with mouse story)]

My best guess was the parking garage, because this was not a New Hampshire field mouse. It was not a tiny mouse. It was a giant city mouse.

[Christina]

This is a city mouse, like Monica. City mouse, big apple mouse.

[Monica Padman]

I should feel bad for it.

[Christina]

You should.

[Dax Shepard]

What was that weird taste?

[Christina]

Is dead mouse and then dead mouse.

[Monica Padman]

And then the white stuff on.

[Dax Shepard]

The.

[Christina (guest with mouse story)]

Calcifications on my water.

[Christina]

Oh, I'm on the verge.

[Christina (guest with mouse story)]

They were bite marks from my furry friend.

[Monica Padman]

No, don't do it.

[Christina (guest with mouse story)]

And this happens all the time.

[Christina]

Wait, what do you mean? Hold on.

[Christina (guest with mouse story)]

So I frantically Googled it, and I called my sister Andrea, who's a veterinarian and also an armchairy, by the way.

[Christina]

Oh, good. Well, we like her.

[Christina (guest with mouse story)]

This happens constantly for people who leave any type of water, soda, can, anything in their car.

[Christina]

No.

[Christina (guest with mouse story)]

Overnight.

[Zelda]

Whoa.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, my God. So this is a cautionary tale.

[Christina (guest with mouse story)]

It is a very cautionary tale.

[Christina]

It's a psa, so you didn't have the top on it.

[Christina (guest with mouse story)]

So the size of the opening was less than the size of a dime, to put it into perspective. And I'm assuming that I must not have completely screwed the cap on so.

[Monica Padman]

It can squeeze that tiny.

[Christina (guest with mouse story)]

Yes.

[Christina]

He's like an octopus.

[Monica Padman]

Ew.

[Christina]

But I'd rather have an octopus in my water than Me, too.

[Christina (guest with mouse story)]

People eat that mouse water.

[Monica Padman]

Don't say mouse water.

[Riley]

Seven refills.

[Christina (guest with mouse story)]

Monica.

[Monica Padman]

What? Did you call 911?

[Christina]

You had filled it up seven times with that mouse in there.

[Christina (guest with mouse story)]

I think because it was so dead and its legs and arms were pushing out.

[Monica Padman]

Stop.

[Christina (guest with mouse story)]

It didn't shift back and forth. I don't know, Christina. So my dear husband, he is a sweet man, and he bags up the mouse in a plastic bag and then puts it in a brown paper bag and sends me off to urgent care with exhibit A in a brown bag. Yeah.

[Christina]

Yeah. We're gonna, I guess, test him for things.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah. Rabies. And all kinds of. Ew.

[Christina (guest with mouse story)]

I had to get. Get dewormed.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, what the.

[Christina (guest with mouse story)]

And treated on antibiotics.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, mama.

[Christina (guest with mouse story)]

And then subsequently replaced every stainless steel water bottle in our entire house with clear glass water bottles that I can see all the way to the bottom now.

[Christina]

Yeah, I bet you'll never ever drink from something again without that crossing.

[Monica Padman]

I won't.

[Christina (guest with mouse story)]

Ever.

[Monica Padman]

No one listening to this will. So we just crush the stainless steel water bottle industry. It's over.

[Dax Shepard]

It's.

[Monica Padman]

Well, we just end.

[Christina]

Or keep your L very tight because they also can't open tight lids.

[Christina (guest with mouse story)]

Or just don't leave it in your car. That's the real public service announcement.

[Monica Padman]

We all leave in our car all the time.

[Christina]

Well, look, I only drink out of see through, so I'm ahead of the curve. I'll take my potential microplastic damage over mouse damage.

[Christina (guest with mouse story)]

You should probably go check all those stainless steel water bottles in your car, Jack.

[Christina]

They get so many in the car.

[Monica Padman]

People just leave them in there.

[Christina]

They may need a cat that sweeps the car every time.

[Monica Padman]

It could open it with its little teeth, the L. And then mice are very smart so they can pull the lid back on once from the inside and twist it back up.

[Christina (guest with mouse story)]

Maybe that's what happens. That makes me feel better.

[Christina]

Oh, my God.

[Dax Shepard]

Did you throw up?

[Christina (guest with mouse story)]

I felt incredibly nauseated.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, of course.

[Christina (guest with mouse story)]

Which obviously at urgent care they were concerned because of stomach issues. That can come up with this. But honestly, it was just me feeling disgusted.

[Christina]

Yeah. Grossed out for sure.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, my God.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, Lord.

[Christina]

That made me feel.

[Monica Padman]

That was a lot to do.

[Christina]

Rough inside.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, we've heard some stuff too.

[Monica Padman]

This is similar to the jelly legs.

[Dax Shepard]

Huh?

[Christina]

It's in that realm.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah.

[Christina]

You've hit the bar and it was high.

[Zelda]

Wow.

[Christina]

Did you see that coming at all?

[Riley]

I did not.

[Christina (guest with mouse story)]

And that white gritty thing was probably part of the mouse.

[Dax Shepard]

What?

[Christina (guest with mouse story)]

Yeah. I mean, it had to be.

[Monica Padman]

It's like tail fungus.

[Christina]

Maybe it was biting.

[Christina (guest with mouse story)]

I had fingernails.

[Christina]

Oh, sorry. Okay. All right. All right, let's shut. We gotta shut it down. Monica is not in the healthcare profession, so we gotta tread a little.

[Christina (guest with mouse story)]

Can I give a quick shout out to my sister Andrea and her friend Britt, who gave us the idea for this admission?

[Christina]

Yes. Thank you, Andrea and Britt.

[Dax Shepard]

We appreciate it.

[Christina]

That was horrific and we love you for it. Thank you so much for telling us that.

[Christina (guest with mouse story)]

Of course. And I'm sorry, Monica.

[Monica Padman]

Thank you.

[Christina]

All right, well, lovely meeting you. We're going to regroup. We're going to regroup and reset.

[Zelda]

Bye.

[Nikki]

Bye.

[Monica Padman]

I I don't know what's happened here but I'm really. You're spilling your coffee everywhere but I think it's leaked.

[Christina]

Give us a faulty lid.

[Monica Padman]

What if there's a mouse in there?

[Christina]

Look and see if there's a one of the mouse from behind you turned a lot do in.

[Dax Shepard]

We are supported.

[Monica Padman]

By Addie I know about Addie. The little pink pill, right?

[Christina]

Yes, that's right.

[Dax Shepard]

Addie is the FDA approved pink pill clinically proven to boost desire in certain pre menopausal women who are bothered by a low libido.

[Monica Padman]

I love this. It's really nice that there's an option out there for women who are dealing with low desire and I like that. Addie's non hormonal and created by a woman for women. Addie is helping women feel like themselves again and that's really important.

[Christina]

It really is.

[Dax Shepard]

So arm cherries. If your libido could use a little jump start, Addie's got you covered.

[Monica Padman]

Offered learn more at addy.com that's a.

[Dax Shepard]

D-Y-I.com use code DAX for a ten dollar telemed appointment at addie.com addi or flibanserin is for premenopausal women with Acquired Generalized Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder HSDD who have not had problems with low sexual desire in the past who have low sexual desire. No matter the type of sexual activity, the situation or the sexual partner. This low sexual desire is troubling to them and is not due to a medical or mental health problem, problems in the relationship or medicine or other drug use. Addie is not children, men or to enhance sexual performance. Your risk of severe low blood pressure and fainting is increased if you drink one to two standard alcohol drinks close in time to your ADI dose. Wait at least two hours after drinking before taking Addie at bedtime. This risk increases if you take certain prescriptions, OTC or herbal medications, or have liver problems and can happen when you take Addi without alcohol or other medicines. Do not take if you are allergic to any of Addi's ingredients. Allergic reactions may include hives, itching or trouble breathing. Sometimes serious sleepiness can occur. Common side effects include dizziness, nausea, tiredness, difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep and dry mouth. See full PIM Medication Guide including box [e-mail] PI Addy use code DAX for a ten dollar telemed [e-mail] that's a d d y I.com we are supported by Skims.

[Monica Padman]

You ever notice how the Smallest things can make the biggest difference in your day. That's what happened when I discovered Skims Intimates. And I'm not exaggerating. This completely changed my underwear game and my underwear drawer.

[Dax Shepard]

I can't wait to hear you kind.

[Monica Padman]

Of think of underwear as regular blah. Like, who cares if it bunches up or loses shape after a few washes, whatever. You're just wearing it under your clothes. But then I discovered the Skims fits everybody collection, and everything changed. This is not just an underwear brand. It's a complete game changer. You feel better in your body when you're wearing cute underwear bras. And also just because it fits right. Fits right, exactly. I'm wearing a skims bra right now. I love it. One thing I really like about it is with a lot of my other bras, they kind of disintegrate. They get holes and. But then you're like, I should still wear it. Then you feel bad about yourself. Skims really maintains its integrity, and I'll always praise them for their color range. For me, a nude is different than somebody else's nude, and they offer all of it. So it's amazing. I love it.

[Dax Shepard]

Sounds like when your underwear feels that good, it changes your whole day. Trust Moni on this one. Shop Monica's favorite bras and [e-mail] after you place your order, be sure to let them know we sent you select podcast in the survey and be sure to select our show in the dropdown menu menu that follows. We are supported by Empower. See, you've always wanted to take that bucket list safari trip where you hop in a jeep at sunrise and cruise the Serengeti. Here's the thing. If you invest well, you could do things like that. With Empower, you can get your money working for you so you can go out and live a little. Isn't that why we work so hard to splurge at certain moments? Maybe it's those concert seats that don't require binoculars. Or taking that trip to Athens in Greece, not Georgia. No disrespect, Money. So use Empower to help you get good at money so you can be a little bad. Join their 19 million customers [e-mail] not an Empower client. Paid or sponsored. Hello.

[Christina]

First of all, there's a lot happening. Let's agree on a fake name.

[Zelda]

Let's do Zelda.

[Dax Shepard]

Zelda. Lovely.

[Christina]

Weren't we just talking?

[Dax Shepard]

No, we were talking about Lord of.

[Christina]

The Rings, and that feels adjacent.

[Monica Padman]

Do you like Lord of the Rings?

[Zelda]

You know what I'VE never, never seen it. Is that not wild?

[Monica Padman]

I haven't seen it either.

[Christina]

I think that's pretty normal. I think it was a very.

[Monica Padman]

Boy, it was a very popular movie.

[Christina]

Okay.

[Zelda]

Did you watch Harry Potter when you were growing up?

[Monica Padman]

Yes, I loved it.

[Zelda]

See, that's another one that I never got into.

[Monica Padman]

That's the one.

[Christina]

You should, you should do the whole marathon.

[Zelda]

My parents won't allow me to, but I'm going to grow women, so maybe I'll ask.

[Riley]

Yeah, just check in.

[Christina]

Tell me about all this Ted Seeger. Where did all these six packs come from?

[Zelda]

I bought them all. I direct a food and beverage department at a resort and I made it one of my number ones. I have to carry Ted Seegers. It's a non negotiable.

[Christina]

Oh my God. Thank you.

[Zelda]

Yeah, I did temporarily take it off for maybe two weeks and the feedback I got, they demanded I brought it back.

[Monica Padman]

Yay. That's great news.

[Christina]

I do think it's the best one.

[Monica Padman]

Really good.

[Christina]

And what part of the country are you in?

[Zelda]

I am in a very small town. It's the town I grew up in in Colorado. I can't tell you exactly where because you'll see why.

[Christina]

But Zelda can I tell you? We had one other fake name today and it was from the Rocky Mountain Mountains. And I said, I do think we over index in folks from the Rocky Mountains and Pacific Northwest that remain anonymous. I have no judgment based on that. Just an observation.

[Zelda]

Exactly. I grew up in the town that I live in now, so just tucked in the middle of nowhere, the Rocky Mountains. And the population was less than 2,000 people back then. At 17, I graduated high school and I just really wanted to get out of this tiny town. I bid adieu to my high school sweetheart and I just ran for the hills and I went to San Diego.

[Christina]

Oh sure, sure. Good landing pad.

[Zelda]

I had the time of my life out there. It was so much fun. So 2014 rolls around. This is three years into my San Diego adventure. And I'm in a relationship with a guy named Fred. Tried and true Jersey Boy. We had nothing really in common other than and doing drugs together. Because Dax, I'm also a recovering addict.

[Christina]

He was probably hot and like drugs.

[Zelda]

That's all I needed. One day, Fred decides to surprise me with a hike because he knows that's what I love to do. I grew up in Colorado. I hiked. I love to ice fish. I love spelunking, which I know you guys also love to do. Terrified, we decided to go on A hike. But San Diego doesn't have a ton of trails that will get me exhilarated, if that makes sense, especially ones that I hadn't already done. So we go to Discovery Canso. It's big Mountain Ridge. It's very deserty. There's a lot of oak brush there and the mountain peaks are pretty high. So it was towards the end of the season. The month is September. So in California, as you guys know, September days are really hot still. But at night, especially in like the mountain region up top, the temperature will plummet. Oh yeah, it gets really, really cold. I wasn't worried about the cold because it was only supposed to take about four hours or so round trip. So I wore a tank top, shorts. He wore a tank top shorts. Fred had a sweatshirt that he tied around his waist. And I vividly remember getting the ick, like so bad.

[Riley]

Oh, is that insane?

[Nikki]

No.

[Monica Padman]

We can't control what gives us the ick.

[Zelda]

Dax, do you, like, tie your sweatshirts around your waist when you go hiking?

[Christina]

Only in an emergency.

[Monica Padman]

I've never, I've never seen you do it.

[Zelda]

I don't know why. That just really stuck for me.

[Christina]

It's a lot of potholes for us to avoid. If you're listening, boys, just be mindful when you tie that sweatshirt because some.

[Monica Padman]

People can do it.

[Zelda]

I had a backpack on and all I brought was three regular sized water bottles, a couple Nutri grain bars, which are like the driest thing on the planet, and then just tons of weed and paraphernalia and stuff that we had no business on a hike. But I bought it. So we start the hike, it goes fine. I noticed two things. One is that there's no directional signage. There's only neon spray painted arrows dictating waiting to and fro. And the other thing was that there was no people. There was one couple that we passed on our way in that had already wrapped up their entire hike and was finishing and walking on their way out. And they were kind of looking at us like, are you sure you want to do this this late in the day? Because we did start probably around 2pm the hike goes great. We get to the destination. It's a very underwhelming waterfall, if I were to give my opinion. We drink some water, we have some.

[Christina]

Snacks, smoke a couple bowls.

[Zelda]

Not yet. I'm getting there.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay.

[Zelda]

We start our walk back. And Fred and I had recently set a precedent in our relationship. Like, we like to get freaky outside.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, good for you guys.

[Christina]

Yeah.

[Zelda]

Thank you. I was a younger Woman. Then for four kids. And he starts making the fishing comments that men make. Like, you know, I could really. He wanted fellatio.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, okay.

[Christina]

And she wanted to, like, outdoor blowjob.

[Monica Padman]

I could really.

[Christina]

I could really go for a mid hike blowjob.

[Zelda]

This feels like. Yeah, exactly. So I was born and raised super conservative, very Christian, but I was recently just ripping off those thumbs.

[Christina]

Yeah. Those shackles.

[Zelda]

I was just waving that freak flag around.

[Christina]

You too. Were in the mood for a mid hike blowjob.

[Nikki]

Yeah.

[Christina]

Yeah, exactly.

[Zelda]

I'm a skipper. So at this point, we decided to leave the trail because just in case there's another couple, we decided to make way for privacy. We weaved all the way back, found a good spot. I get the job done. And then we decide, now let's smoke a couple of bowls. So it get nice and high. I'm sure not so much memory there. And we start wandering back to the trail to where we think it is. We're looking. 30 minutes passes. Are we even in the right area at all? 40 minutes pass. Right. The sun is starting to set a little bit. It's feeling a little bit like dust. And we're starting to, like, give in to that full panic of I think we're actually lost.

[Christina]

Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, no.

[Christina]

Oh, boy.

[Zelda]

Let's whip out the cell phones. There's no service. I'm a type B person, so my phone is just permanently dead or just not anywhere around me. But Fred's phone was on, I want to say somewhere near 5%, just like, barely hanging on for like. But he decides to just try to send a text to his roommate at the time saying, zelda and I are lost. Send help. It does not go through. True. That's what his phone registers as. Sunsets. And I have been in these weird scenarios before, like in the middle of the mountains. And I know if you're ever in question just to backtrack, that's honestly your best bet. Just stop what you're doing, turn around, and go back to where you know is familiar. This is what I start to suggest. Fred thinks it's a better idea to hike this mountaintop as high as we possibly can go get so we can survey the land.

[Monica Padman]

Okay.

[Christina]

Get a good vantage point and spot his car. But minimally, we know we should be going downhill. So I'm not going to go uphill.

[Monica Padman]

And it's getting darker by the sun.

[Christina]

What I know is uphill is not the way out and downhill is the way out.

[Zelda]

You guys are both right. And honestly, I'm telling myself These things. But as we do when we're young women, we just dip our lips and we say, lead the way.

[Christina]

His precious pride is on the line here. Very delicate situation.

[Zelda]

Oh, yes, exactly. So we start to ascend this apex thing. And I start to notice that Fred is getting nervous just by the way that he's moving. His movements are sporadic. He's a little bit panicked. So much so that this incline is so steep that he tries to like, kind of parkour.

[Monica Padman]

He has seen Lord of the Rings.

[Zelda]

He has seen all the Lord of the Rings. He parkours off of this boulder to hold, hopefully propel himself further up the mountain, doesn't he? Bashes both of his kneecaps directly into the boulder, Drags them all the way down, and they are fully busted and they are fully bleeding.

[Dax Shepard]

Also.

[Christina]

When someone makes a leap uphill, did they not think they're gonna have to make that same leap downhill now? A ton of momentum.

[Zelda]

So he starts breathing very sporadically. And I'm just like, yo, are you gonna be able to keep going? He says, yes. I know he's Max Cat could pass panicking, but at this point we just keep going. We climbed this ridge past the tree line. It's so cold up there. There's no stability. The soil is just like soot. And we're just kind of perched there. And descending is not an option at this point. Like if you were to just try to descend them out and you will tumble. So we start to scan and there's no Honda Accord. We're hungry, we're dehydrated. I'm sunburned. I'm literally shivering. And Fred looks me at one point and says, I know I should give you my jacket, but I'm just so cold.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, Fred.

[Zelda]

At this point, I'm considering calling 91 1. Let's call some people. Let's get some help out here. What's crazy is we didn't know one if the call was going to go through. We have no service. I didn't know how that worked back then. But the biggest part was we didn't know how much it would cost for us to be life flighted out of the Descanso Mountains. And. And I know that sounds crazy.

[Christina]

No, I think that's really a normal thought.

[Monica Padman]

It's a definitely a normal thought.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Christina]

Our friend got himself lodged in Sedona and I was like, what's this helicopter ride gonna cost? But I don't think it costs anything. That kind of makes sense. We have a federally funded and state.

[Zelda]

Funded rescue department at this point, it's pitch black. Fred's bleeding, he's not in the best shape. And we start to hear coyotes. They sound like they are right on top of us. I. I know enough about them that I know that they only yip if they're excited, and they're only excited if they're hunting. And they only get super yippee if they're actually attacking.

[Christina]

We hear it all the time in our neighborhood. It's gruesome. It sounds like some kind of seance. Like a crazy. That's a really bad devil worshiping seance.

[Zelda]

It's a sex cult that they're doing, and I wish they would stop at that point. We were like, I've heard enough. Our lives are worth whatever the California government deems necessary.

[Christina (guest with mouse story)]

Good.

[Zelda]

So we make the call on his 5% phone. The call goes through crystal clear. Just FYI, if anybody needs to know that. She tells us that the text that he sent to his roommate six hours prior did in fact go through. And his roommate responded saying something like, are you serious? And by nightfall, he decided we were serious and he called dispatch. So by the time that we had made that phone call, the helicopter was already searching him out and tops for us.

[Christina]

Oh, yeah.

[Zelda]

Which is kind of amazing because his phone is going to die. So we had to stay. Farewell to horror. Which sucked real bad. Turn off his phone and just sit there and wait. It was probably about one and a half hours.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, wow.

[Zelda]

It was a while.

[Christina (guest with mouse story)]

Ish.

[Zelda]

But we heard the helicopter before you can see it. Then we saw it. And we turn on the phone, turn on the flashlight. We're waving it, and just like the movies, they pop wide over. He propels down. He's like, are you guys ready to get out of here?

[Christina]

Oh, I love it.

[Zelda]

Fred books it towards the sky and this guy says, whoa, whoa, whoa. She goes first. And the only helicopter pad is the Barona Casino in San Diego. So they drop us off there. We have no money. Our phones are both dead by this point. We're bleeding, we're dirty.

[Christina]

You're at a casino.

[Zelda]

Yes. We're sitting in this casino and all these people are just walking by looking at us. But that is the time that I gave a blowjob that turned into search and rescue.

[Christina]

Sometimes these blowjobs can threaten your life.

[Monica Padman]

People don't think that when they're in.

[Christina]

The mood for one. Did it permanently kind of change your opinion of Fred?

[Zelda]

It was immediately done.

[Christina]

After that, he has no coming back. That was the last blowjob Fred got From you.

[Zelda]

From me.

[Christina]

Yeah.

[Nikki]

Yeah.

[Christina]

Hopefully not his last in life.

[Monica Padman]

Well, hopefully he learned some lessons in this. First of all, don't wear the sweatshirt. Now, we all learned that lesson. Don't wear the sweatshirt.

[Zelda]

Maybe that's just a me thing, but I want to say two things before I go. Thank you guys both for doing what you do here. I'm a recovering addict. It took me so long to get to the recovery part.

[Christina]

Sure.

[Zelda]

Dax, you're definitely the biggest part that made me take that final step, so thank you. It's made me a better wife, better mom. But, Mani, you hold the most special place. Because I grew up different than most all of my friends have similar. Similar outlooks on life as you guys do. And those conversations are hard to have. You have different views. Right. Especially if you love someone because you don't want to get into the heavy, nitty gritty of things. But with you, Monica, you lay it out there. I can understand it. It softened my heart a lot towards the other side.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, thank you.

[Christina]

We like when arts get softer.

[Monica Padman]

We love soft hearts.

[Christina]

Or bigger.

[Monica Padman]

Well, we really, really appreciate you.

[Zelda]

I'll keep buying this.

[Christina]

Ted Seeger, I think you have more than we have.

[Monica Padman]

Cheers to that.

[Zelda]

Cheers, guys.

[Monica Padman]

Thank you so much.

[Zelda]

Nice to meet you.

[Monica Padman]

I have something anti feminist to say.

[Christina]

All right. I'm always up for one of those.

[Monica Padman]

I guess it's not really fair. Women get to have the ick. We're allowed to talk about that, and we're allowed to say, like, ew, they gave me the ick because of X, Y, or Z. I think if a man said, like, that girl gave me the ick, I'd be like, don't say that.

[Christina]

You're not allowed to say that.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Christina]

In Charlie Sheen's book, he said he was with Nicolas Cage, who had left an expensive lighter with his initials on it in Palm Springs at the bathing suit contest they were judging. And he came to see Charlie in treatment.

[Dax Shepard]

He said, yo, I left my lighter there.

[Christina]

And the young gal I was with.

[Dax Shepard]

Is excited cause it's her initials too, and she feels like there might be some kind of serendipity and she wants to drive it to.

[Christina]

To me.

[Dax Shepard]

And I said, merry Christmas.

[Christina]

And Charlie said, when someone says something, I forget what words he used. You want to yell taxi whether you're in a bathtub or on horseback. So maybe that's our version. I like that she did this, and I wanted to yell taxi on a bathtub or a horseback.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah.

[Christina]

Because there are things us guys know when we talk.

[Monica Padman]

Well, I know you guys have the things. It's just if you say it, especially if you say it to women, I think a lot of people would be like, that's not nice.

[Christina]

Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

Can't you just be fine with that?

[Christina]

I posted the little beginning of Hit and Run. Beautiful comments. So they shouldn't even seen this, but one was like, this gave me the ick.

[Zelda]

What?

[Christina]

Yeah. Don't ever need to hear from you again.

[Monica Padman]

Also, if that gives you the ick, I'm just sorry for you because that means they don't like love.

[Christina]

Yeah. I don't know what's icky, but it gave someone the ick.

[Dax Shepard]

We're all very specific with our.

[Nikki]

With our ickiness.

[Christina]

With our ickiness. All right, all right. Love with you. Do you want to sing a tune or something? One of a theme song. Oh, okay, great.

[Dax Shepard]

We don't have a theme song for this new show, so here I go, go, go. We're going to ask some random questions and with the help of arm cherries, we'll get some suggestions on the Fly Rhyme. Dish on the fly Rhyme. Follow Armchair Expert on the Wondry app, Amazon Music, or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to every episode of Armchair Expert early and ad free right now by joining Wondry plus in the Wondry app or on Apple podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short [e-mail] survey.