Armchair Expert: Armchair Anonymous – Wild Card IX

Podcast: Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Date: November 7, 2025
Hosts: Dax Shepard, Monica Padman, Christina
Theme: Wild Card stories – unpredictable, anonymous, and very human tales from listeners

Episode Overview

In this "Wild Card IX" installment of Armchair Anonymous, Dax, Monica, and Christina are joined by anonymous callers who share some of the wildest, weirdest, and most memorable stories of their lives. The episode revels in unpredictability, as each caller surprises both the hosts and the audience with tales that traverse bizarre injuries, stalker drama, unlucky rodents, and rescue missions gone awry. Throughout, the tone is candid, irreverent, and deeply empathetic, with the Armchair crew offering both laughter and honest reflections on vulnerability and the messiness of being human.

Key Stories and Insights

1. Nikki's Slackline Injury (02:54 – 12:15)

Summary:
Nikki, calling from the Rocky Mountain West, recounts a harrowing and unforgettable slackline accident from the summer she turned 18. While slacklining over a dock with friends—amidst the chaos of the Ironman event in North Idaho—she suffers a serious and bloody injury.

Highlights and Memorable Moments:

• Slacklining “was very much a vibe in 2007. There was hookahs and hemp necklaces involved, and you hang out and you’re very cool.” – Nikki (04:07)
• Nikki attempts the slackline, falls, and is hit “100% contact on my vagina.” She’s badly hurt, bleeding profusely, and her male friends panic, proving unhelpful.
• Desperate, they summon her best friend Jessica, who wraps Nikki in a towel “like a sumo wrestler diaper” to waddle her through crowds of Ironman athletes (07:21).
• In an ER full of familiar faces—including her high school principal—Nikki is treated (without stitches, against medical advice) for a “decent gouge.”
• A month later at college, her infamous injury has become legend—dubbed “ER vagina girl, slackline girl”—but ultimately becomes an icebreaker for new friendships.
• Quote:
  “The doctor comes in... he says, ‘You’re gonna need stitches’... I said, ‘Just put a sticker on there, a little butterfly.’” – Nikki (09:57)

Hosts’ Reactions:

• Monica: “This is a 911.”
• Christina: “You learned what they were made of”—on Nikki’s unhelpful dude friends (10:31).
• Dax: “Did you ever slackline again?” (12:26)

2. Riley and the Manipulative 'Lord of the Rings Guy' (13:28 – 27:43)

Summary:
Riley, from the Philly suburbs, details a chilling encounter that begins as a summer friendship with a fellow Temple University student and spirals into emotional manipulation, stalker behavior, and a staged suicide scare.

Key Events:

• Riley befriends “Dan,” who quickly develops romantic feelings. Their first kiss is followed by Dan’s concerning confession: “I could see myself falling in love with you.” (16:23)
• After Riley rejects his romantic advances, Dan’s behavior becomes obsessive: blowing up her phone, lurking near her home, and wandering campus (even after dropping out).
• He fabricates being robbed at gunpoint to garner sympathy and attention (21:49).
• The manipulation culminates in a staged suicide attempt:
  • “I just wanted to say this isn’t your fault. Goodbye.” (22:51)
  • Riley, panicked, eventually learns (thanks to a suicide hotline worker) that Dan is perfectly fine at home, watching TV.
• Riley later finds out the robbery story was a fabrication, and Dan continues to harass her via blocked phone calls.
• Quote:
  “That was a lot of unanswered texts…getting really mad. He was like, ‘I can’t believe you’re not answering me.’ And I was like, you know what? I’m kind of done with this.” – Riley (22:18)

Reflection:

• Christina: “What y’all women deal with, man?” (25:54)
• Riley, now a therapist, notes the foreshadowing: “It’s interesting now because I work with a lot of people who have suicidal ideation. I can handle it.” (26:40)
• Monica: “Cautionary tale, slash lesson, don’t have...” (27:01)

3. Christina's Mouse-in-the-Water-Bottle Trauma (28:02 – 37:56)

Summary:
Christina (from New Hampshire) innocently brings a water bottle on a road trip, only to discover a city mouse drowned inside—after days of drinking and refilling from it.

Notable Moments:

• Story begins on a freezing January day, with Christina mentioning her ever-present pink stainless steel water bottle (29:22).
• After returning from Boston, she experiences odd textures and a “funky taste” from her bottle for days (31:03).
• The horrid reveal comes at home: “What came out? A soaking wet, stiff as a board… mouse.” (32:36)
• Hosts are aghast, particularly Monica (“Moni’s fucking shook” 32:44), as Christina explains how common this is for bottles left in cars. Her sister, a veterinarian, confirms it happens “constantly” (34:11).
• Christina is prescribed deworming medication and antibiotics as a precaution.
• Quote:
  “You had filled it up seven times with that mouse in there.” – Christina (34:58)

PSA:

• “Do not leave water bottles in your car ever again.” (36:04)
• Monica: “We just crushed the stainless steel water bottle industry.” (35:51)
• Dax: “Did you throw up?” (36:46)

4. Zelda's ‘Blowjob to Search-and-Rescue’ Mountaintop Disaster (42:34 – 55:44)

Summary:
Zelda, from a tiny Colorado mountain town, recounts a disaster that resulted from a hike, weed, outdoor intimacy, and poor planning—with a literal helicopter rescue as the climax.

Key Sequence:

• Zelda and her then-boyfriend Fred embark on a hike in San Diego’s Discovery Canso. Packing Nutri-Grain bars and weed, they underestimate the challenge ahead (47:11).
• In pursuit of privacy for a post-hike outdoor tryst (“We like to get freaky outside” 47:23), they venture off-trail, get lost, and realize their phones have almost no battery.
• As it gets dark and cold, Fred injures himself in a failed “parkour” attempt. Zelda refuses to take any uphill detours—“downhill is the way out” (49:39).
• With coyotes circling and panic mounting, they call for help. Luckily, a previous text for help had gone through—rescue is already on the way (52:04).
• The couple is airlifted to the Barona Casino, battered, sunburned, and out of cash.

Notable Quotes:

• “I gave a blowjob that turned into search and rescue.” – Zelda (54:14)
• “Did it permanently kind of change your opinion of Fred?”
  Zelda: “It was immediately done. That was the last blowjob Fred got from me.” (54:22)

Sincere Moment:

• Zelda thanks Dax and Monica for their roles in her recovery from addiction.
  “Dax, you’re definitely the biggest part that made me take that final step…Monica, you softened my heart a lot towards the other side.” (54:53)

5. Hosts’ Reflections on 'The Ick', Relationship Dynamics, and Gender (55:51 – 57:34)

Discussion:

• Monica confesses an “anti-feminist” reflection about the concept of ‘the ick’—the gut feeling of someone being unattractive for arbitrary reasons—and how it's often seen as more socially acceptable for women to discuss than men.
• Christina shares a Charlie Sheen anecdote about “wanting to yell taxi” in a red-flag dating moment.
• Dax closes with some reflections, noting, “We’re all very specific with our ickiness.” (57:32)

Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• “The doctor comes in... he says, ‘You’re gonna need stitches’... I said, ‘Just put a sticker on there, a little butterfly.’” – Nikki (09:57)
• “I could see myself falling in love with you.” – Dan (Riley’s story) (16:23)
• “What came out? A soaking wet, stiff as a board… mouse.” – Christina (guest with mouse story) (32:36)
• “I gave a blowjob that turned into search and rescue.” – Zelda (54:14)
• “We’re all very specific with our ickiness.” – Dax Shepard (57:32)

Timestamps for Major Segments

• Slackline Injury (Nikki): 02:54 – 12:15
• Manipulative Lord of the Rings Guy (Riley): 13:28 – 27:43
• The Mouse Water Bottle (Christina): 28:02 – 37:56
• Blowjob Rescue (Zelda): 42:34 – 55:44
• Hosts’ Relationship ‘Ick’ Reflections: 55:51 – 57:34

Tone, Language, and Style

The episode is candid, humorous, occasionally gross-out (especially on rodent and bodily injury stories), but always empathetic. Storytellers and hosts speak openly about embarrassment, fear, and the bizarre consequences of mundane decisions. Female guests and hosts highlight the complexities of gendered experiences—especially around safety, boundaries, and relationships. The hosts support, joke, and commiserate in equal measure, keeping the show both light-hearted and thoughtful.

Final Thoughts

This Wild Card episode exemplifies Armchair Expert’s distinctive blend of relatability, hilarity, and thoughtfulness—proving, yet again, the “messiness of being human” makes for endlessly fascinating storytelling. The hosts’ reflections and guests’ candor turn wild tales into windows on vulnerability, growth, and the healing power of community—and laughter.