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Dax Shepard
Wondry subscribers can listen to Armchair Expert early and ad free right now. Join Wondry plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts. Or you can listen for free wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dan Shepard and I'm joined by Monica Padman.
Monica Padman
Hi. Wild, wild car again.
Dax Shepard
I'm enjoying making that noise today. Do you think it's a good.
Monica Padman
It does sound good.
Dax Shepard
Much better than my spitting. Remember when I was fake spitting? Spitting?
Monica Padman
Oh yeah. People do not like misophonia.
Dax Shepard
Yeah, I guess it was bad. Or adjacent. Or just disgusted with spitting as you are. Yeah, you've really got in my craw. I gotta mention.
Monica Padman
I did.
Dax Shepard
You did. And then even thought of a counter argument that I believe in. Okay, but you're still in my craw. You hate spitting. That was on a previous fact check.
Monica Padman
Yes.
Dax Shepard
So now what I remembered is we have had debates about boogers and your disgust with the notion of eating a booger because your body has made this to be repelled.
Monica Padman
Uh huh.
Dax Shepard
Remember that was your argument.
Monica Padman
Yeah, I think I stand by that.
Dax Shepard
There's bacteria and why would you eat that?
Monica Padman
Yes.
Dax Shepard
Oh, Monica. No, but minimally you gotta say. Okay. It's inconsistent.
Monica Padman
Okay, but listen. Okay, my argument isn't. Then to put boogers all over the street where other people are walking or put them on people's shirts.
Dax Shepard
Maybe I should carry a wine silk or whatever. What are those little bags that you put wine in?
Monica Padman
Yeah, to put your loogies in.
Dax Shepard
All I'm saying is if we agree that boogers should leave your body and not be put back in your body, why not the boogers that's coming from your lungs, get them out of there too.
Monica Padman
I know.
Dax Shepard
Look, I understand you gotta meet me in the middle here.
Monica Padman
I understand what you're saying, but you cannot spit. You can, you can spit it all over the street, but I'm gonna be disgusted by you.
Dax Shepard
I know. And that's. You're right too. It's not like I enjoy seeing other people spit.
Monica Padman
I got in your craw. And I also got in the original person that I was talking about craw. And I wonder how many its way back to him.
Dax Shepard
I wonder if you've had an impact on like many thousands of people that listen.
Monica Padman
Oh my God. What if people start dropping dead because of.
Dax Shepard
Because of their infections. Yeah, that their body told them to get out and spit into a bush which no one cares about. Okay, this is wild card. We love wild card. And this was wild. It delivered on its there's some bad stuff in here. Yeah, yeah. Oh, but can people listen? Not that last one. Oh, yeah. This is a. This is a sincere warning. There is a child that gets injured in the last story. Not fatally, no.
Monica Padman
Yeah. To be clear, the child is okay.
Dax Shepard
The child's totally okay. But I can imagine if you've had a similar experience that it would be a real bummer to hear. So, yeah, they're. The last story does have a kid getting inadvertently injured.
Monica Padman
Yeah. And there's also some. There's a body thing that's like E. Oh.
Dax Shepard
Oh, E. What? Body thing.
Monica Padman
Second story.
Dax Shepard
Oh, and you called it. Yeah. All right. Anyways, please enjoy Wild Card. We are supported by Audible. We know you love audio content. Thanks for listening to the show. But if your ears are craving more audio, Audible is the place to go. I probably, in truth, truth, spend more time on Audible than any other place, any other app. Yeah, I'm listening every night for an hour before bed. There's more to imagine when you listen. Whether you're searching for the latest bestsellers and new releases or you want to catch up on a classic title, you can find it all in the Audible app. And as an Audible member, you choose one title a month to keep from their entire catalog.
Monica Padman
What are you listening to now?
Dax Shepard
Well, I'm just finishing the Worlds I See by Feife Lee. It's so good and moving and I love it so much, I'm sad it's ending. Now listen. New members can try Audible for free for 30 days. Visit audible.comdax or text DAX to 500. 500. That's audible.comdax or text Dax to 500. 500. The new Apple Watch Series 10 is here. It has the biggest display ever. It's also the thinnest Apple Watch ever, making it even more comfortable on your wrist. And it's the fastest charging Apple watch, getting you 8 hours of charge in just 15 minutes. Introducing the all new Apple Watch Series 10, now available for the first time in glossy jet black aluminum. Compared to previous generation iPhone Xs are later required. Charge time and actual results will vary. Hard times come and go Good times.
Kyle
Take em slow my life I had.
Dax Shepard
Em both Remember one thing you gotta.
Kyle
Know I'm gonna keep on shining.
Dax Shepard
How you feeling, bud?
Annie
Good.
Dax Shepard
Goody. How much did you sleep last night?
Monica Padman
Well, I had to take a Benadryl at three.
Dax Shepard
Oh, so you couldn't sleep because my finger. Oh, let me see it.
Monica Padman
Today it's looking a lot better.
Dax Shepard
Let me see.
Monica Padman
But in the middle of the night.
Dax Shepard
Yeah, that's significantly better than yesterday. It is middle of the night. It would start itching you.
Monica Padman
Yeah, like crazy. It must be multiple stings because it hurts in a lot of places.
Dax Shepard
That's so weird.
Monica Padman
It is weird. And maybe the stinger's still in there, which I think just makes it take longer.
Dax Shepard
Do you want me to cut your whole finger off today?
Monica Padman
No, thank you.
Dax Shepard
Okay.
Monica Padman
I'll pass.
Dax Shepard
Okay. All right, let's do it. Oh, Kyle, what a fun little environment you've created. Look at. You're in a little tent.
Kyle
It's my tent, Monica. Yeah.
Monica Padman
Oh, it's beautiful.
Dax Shepard
I like a tent.
Monica Padman
And it sounds gorgeous.
Kyle
I wanted my big screen so I could see your faces, so I had to go tent instead of closet.
Dax Shepard
And how do we look so far?
Kyle
Beautiful. Not nearly as orange as I was expecting. Keegan, Michael, Key conversation.
Dax Shepard
How dare you, Kyle.
Monica Padman
I get it, Kyle.
Dax Shepard
I can already see you're on team Monica with the tent and the orange.
Kyle
That's not unfair.
Dax Shepard
Okay, so, Kyle, this is one of our favorite prompts. Wild card. We have no idea what's coming.
Kyle
So let me ask, have you guys heard other wild cards today already?
Monica Padman
Not yet.
Dax Shepard
Your number one wild card.
Kyle
I think I am like a stage setter. So set expectations appropriately.
Dax Shepard
Okay. Wonderful.
Kyle
In my story, there's a bit of guessing. Hopefully you guys can take part.
Monica Padman
Oh, exciting.
Dax Shepard
A mystery.
Kyle
So I grew up in western Washington, like Everett area. I took every summertime to go out to Maryland at my nana and papa's for like a month without my parents, me and my sister. When you talk about Papa Bob's get away. Enjoy.
Dax Shepard
My grandparents get spoiled.
Kyle
Exactly. So we went out to Maryland to Air River House, which has like an 80 foot dock, a boat. It's heaven for me. The story takes place in the year 2000. I'm 12. We are hanging out with all of our aunts and uncles and cousins. Probably have like 25 people at the house. 90s attire monarch. You probably remember being roughly that age. Boys were like big, baggy board shorts.
Monica Padman
Oh, yeah.
Kyle
I ripped out the liner.
Monica Padman
Oh, cool.
Dax Shepard
Okay. Because you didn't like how it felt.
Kyle
Yeah, it's just a little too touchy.
Monica Padman
Netting was for chomps. Everyone knew that if you had netting.
Dax Shepard
You were like, oh, that was a big no. No. You would have been 13.
Monica Padman
Yeah, I guess I went into that.
Dax Shepard
You had thoughts on boys netting in your board shorts?
Monica Padman
Yikes.
Dax Shepard
I only wore boxer shorts. And then when I would get into a swimsuit with the netting, I felt like I was in women's Panties. Like all of a sudden I was in a tiny little tight panty.
Monica Padman
I could see that.
Dax Shepard
And it was confusing. Some parts good, some parts bad.
Kyle
Yeah, no judgment there. So we're on the end of the dock doing a dive contest, and we're just going back and forth. We're swimming around, having fun. It's my turn, and so I go to jump off the dock. And I realize now that I didn't spot my landing, which we always used to do. The guess is, what do you think happened next after I jumped off the dock?
Dax Shepard
Okay, if you jumped off a dock into a river and you hadn't spotted your landing, I'm trying to think what obstacles would be in the river.
Monica Padman
I don't know a lot about rivers. Huge rocks.
Dax Shepard
I guess I'm thinking more something roped to the dock. Maybe a watercraft. Okay, okay, those are our guesses. Rock and watercraft.
Kyle
I land on top of a singing nettle or a jellyfish.
Monica Padman
Oh.
Dax Shepard
Oh. I didn't even know they dwelled in rivers.
Kyle
Yeah, they come up north in Nanticoke river in August, which is why we always spotted our landings. But I hit with my left foot on the dome of a pretty big jellyfish and it rode past my toes, up my gigantic board shorts.
Katie
Oh.
Kyle
In my tank, around my crack, everywhere. And then it stopped on my double knotted waistband.
Dax Shepard
Hold on, hold on, hold on. I'm not understanding. You land on this jellyfish and then the tentacles come up around your legs.
Kyle
My foot comes down on top of it and then it just slides itself up my leg.
Monica Padman
It just went all the way up.
Dax Shepard
Oh, my God.
Kyle
Like stockings. All the way up to my pelvis. Yeah. So immediately you get the shock of a nettle sting. In my mind, I think, like, I landed on something that's gone into my foot. It's just shooting pain. I come out of the water screaming. Probably says something about the kind of kid I was that no one immediately, like, looked for what's wrong with Kyle. But I start swimming into the shore as fast as I can. Somewhere in the swim, I realize what must have happened. So it feels like there's a bunch of hair gel in my bathing suit and I just take it off so that I can get away from the nettle.
Dax Shepard
Oh.
Kyle
And then I'm high step running out of the water with 25 people around, including two very cute neighbor girls who I had been talking to throughout the summer.
Dax Shepard
And you've got your shorts completely off.
Kyle
Totally off. 12 year old Heiney just running towards the house. Oh, my papa had put in, like a shower stall. So I run into there. I lock it. I'm just crying, hiding, embarrassed. And I'm trying to rip off these nettles that are wrapped around my leg and everything else you can imagine below the belly button.
Dax Shepard
Will you explain nettles just a little bit? Because I'm not familiar with that term.
Kyle
Think jellyfish. Think like Finding Nemo. Those sort of jellyfish. These are called stinging nettles. There it is, what you imagine. Tentacles with the barbs that stick and sting.
Dax Shepard
So it's like spaghetti. Like feta? No. Vermicelli all over your thighs.
Kyle
Yes, but less strong than a spaghetti string. So it's not only falling apart all over the place, seeing my hands, but it's also sharp, you know, it feels like you're cutting glass.
Monica Padman
Oh, my God. This is a nightmare.
Dax Shepard
Yeah. This is sadistic.
Kyle
Yeah. So I've got ants banging on the walls, trying to get in and figure out what's going on. At this point, I finally let one of them in. She knows what's going on because I'm yelling at her. She brings in gloves and is trying to clean things off. She thinks to turn on the shower, which I didn't think of at all. And it pretty much much runs off at that point. The kick to the story is that my papa went to go get the gel they use. It's like calamine lotion for the steam. The grocery store is 45 minutes away, and so I'm about 30 minutes post being in the stall when I just want to go inside and be away from everybody. My aunt convinces me that we can put some baking soda paste on. It's supposed to help with the barbs and keep it from hurting so bad. So she starts applying this all over me.
Dax Shepard
Oh, wow.
Kyle
I basically have a baking soda diaper at that point.
Dax Shepard
Okay. Can I ask what's going on with your penis at this point? Is your penis fully out on the scene? Are you holding it with your hands?
Kyle
My hands are aching and my penis is throbbing. And now I don't remember this vividly.
Dax Shepard
Okay.
Kyle
I remember the night after in bed and just feeling, like, my heartbeat through my pelvis, through my hands from the nettles being on there.
Monica Padman
How many nettles were there?
Kyle
It was one giant.
Dax Shepard
Was auntie seen? I mean, you were just nude, right?
Monica Padman
She was seeing.
Dax Shepard
Yeah.
Kyle
Everything was out there.
Dax Shepard
Yeah. And she's rubbing your thighs with baking soda.
Monica Padman
She's touching your pelvis area.
Dax Shepard
Yeah.
Monica Padman
Wow.
Dax Shepard
It needed to be done.
Kyle
You guys are really focusing on this More than I think I did as a child.
Dax Shepard
Trying to remember being 12. And my aunt smearing baking soda on my upper and inner thighs while my genitalia is out. How can one not think of that.
Monica Padman
As 12 is a precarious time? Because I'm horny. Yeah. Like you said, the girls, cute girls.
Dax Shepard
Yeah. Imagine the cute girls are applying the baking soda. Now what are we dealing with?
Monica Padman
Oh, Jesus.
Kyle
I was not into domination at that.
Dax Shepard
Age in my life.
Kyle
The pain of those barbs in there. The thought was off the table. So we're walking out. Be okay. Cousins are laughing like any good older cousin. My cousin Matt thought it was a good idea to pull down my towel that was wrapped around me.
Dax Shepard
Oh.
Kyle
So everybody, the neighbors included, would come over to have some crab and see what was going on. Just gotta look at baking soda diapers. So Crybaby Kyle was my nickname for the entire summer.
Monica Padman
Aw.
Kyle
And I ran inside, waited for Papa Matt.
Monica Padman
Boys are so mean.
Dax Shepard
Hold on. I don't think in this case it's boys. I think cousins. Cousins are relentless to each other. They're just like siblings.
Monica Padman
Lincoln wouldn't pull down Delta's towel.
Dax Shepard
Mandy and Kelly would have pulled down my towel and pointed at my penis and made jokes, which is what they were expecting.
Kyle
The diaper did not make it any better.
Dax Shepard
The diaper.
Monica Padman
Okay, so the diaper's a big pop out. You know, no one was expecting that. But in some ways it's betterish. Maybe it's camouflaging a bit of the bits.
Kyle
Yeah. Could have had a hog under that diaper.
Monica Padman
Yeah, exactly.
Dax Shepard
Pull that hog out of that 12 year old boy. Baking soda diaper.
Monica Padman
Wow. Yikes.
Dax Shepard
And you need papa. You need papa to return home. Yeah.
Kyle
And everyone to leave. Which didn't happen for another 12 hours or so.
Dax Shepard
The party raged on.
Monica Padman
Seems like you came back stronger, though.
Kyle
It's still my favorite place in the whole world.
Dax Shepard
They still have it?
Kyle
No, unfortunately, Anna and Papa are gone now. We went back to Maryland with my kids. I got to take them, just show them the river. Go out on a boat.
Dax Shepard
That's fun. Well, Kyle, what a sweet story. I'm sorry that happened to you. Did it, like scare you off of jumping in the river or.
Monica Padman
No, no.
Kyle
But it did make me wear nylons when I went skiing because apparently that keeps from getting stung. But I got stung probably half dozen times. They're everywhere in August. And your kid will swim, so. Never so bad as to get the bits again.
Dax Shepard
Yeah. Wow. I'm picturing a young man in Stockings, Skiing. Like a pantyhose. You'd put on pantyhose?
Kyle
Yeah.
Monica Padman
Wow.
Dax Shepard
Boy, they make it tough. Sometimes. Life makes it tough. Life.
Monica Padman
Yeah.
Dax Shepard
Well, Kyle, what a delightful, innocent, sad story.
Monica Padman
I liked that.
Dax Shepard
That's also cute.
Kyle
Hopefully a good start to Wild Card. I can't wait to hear what else comes your way today. It probably feels obligatory for you both to hear us say thank you so much at the end of these things, but it means a lot to me. I was a fan of Rob from Inside of youf before you guys started.
Dax Shepard
Oh.
Kyle
I like to say to my friends who are also listeners that I'm a before day one listener.
Monica Padman
That's big.
Kyle
I love you guys. Monica Synced is the way that I get to hear, like, a part of the world that I don't always get to listen to and talk about things that married me with a bunch of kids doesn't always get the perspective on. And I can't thank you guys enough for doing this. Keep it going. Have fun and thanks for having me. Well, you're watching.
Dax Shepard
Wife got a good cast.
Monica Padman
She snagged one.
Dax Shepard
I'm telling you, her husband's listened to sync to stay dialed into the perspective. Does she deserve you, Kyle? I don't know.
Monica Padman
We're gonna send her a test and see.
Dax Shepard
And to answer your question, it does not feel obligatory. And we sincerely, every time, are equally shocked and delighted and grateful.
Monica Padman
Yeah, very grateful.
Kyle
Well, this asymmetrical relationship is as strong as ever.
Thalia
I love.
Dax Shepard
Thank you.
Monica Padman
So nice to meet you.
Dax Shepard
Yeah. So great meeting you, Kyle. Take care, brother.
Kyle
Bye, you guys.
Dax Shepard
Bye. What a sweet.
Monica Padman
Where's my Kyle?
Dax Shepard
Kyle. Come on out, Kyle. Where are you in this interim? Will you keep this in? I don't know what you keep in. In the middle.
Monica Padman
Yeah, you don't know. Sometimes I keep stuff, sometimes I cut it.
Dax Shepard
You keep me guessing. I guess that's part of the fun of it all. I can't nail you down.
Monica Padman
That story was an incredible ding, ding, ding, though.
Dax Shepard
How so?
Monica Padman
Right before we started, we were just talking about my sting.
Dax Shepard
Oh, yes, your bee sting.
Monica Padman
I got a bee sting from Ozidin. It was a bit of hubris because I had a ring on my finger that I refused to take off because it's a very special ring. And then it really disrupted the situation on my finger.
Dax Shepard
Well, I would say for people to imagine what your finger looked like yesterday. Take a condom and fill it completely with water. And then take a hair tie and tie it around as tight as you can. The base of the Condom. And that's what your finger looked like yesterday with this ring on it. And I had to beg you, Manny, please let me cut that off of you. I know it was as bad. You have got a pattern in life, Monica. You're this very weird mix of hypochondria. And then when real stuff's happening to you, completely ignore the real stuff.
Monica Padman
I actually thought of that. I was like, how dare all these people call me a hypochondriac. I am not a hypochondriac. I don't even get fix where, like, my finger might fall off.
Dax Shepard
Your finger was going to fall off your ear. It's shocking. You still have your whole ear when I had to remove those earrings. That's what I'm saying. It's this wonderful contradiction between fear of things and then when you have things, you don't care at all.
Monica Padman
Well, you know what? The through line is jewelry. I really care about preserving that jewelry.
Dax Shepard
It's like when you crash your motorcycle and your first thought is like, is the motorcycle okay?
Monica Padman
I bought that ring after I booked my first commercial here.
Dax Shepard
Oh, that's sweet. As a reward.
Monica Padman
Yeah, as a reward. And it's been on that finger. I mean, I've taken enough every now and then for like a com. Another commercial or something, or more money. Yeah, but that thing's been on my finger for, like, 13 years.
Dax Shepard
You can get it put back on. It's not ruined.
Monica Padman
I think it's the key to my success, and I think my success is over.
Dax Shepard
Okay. It was really. You put half your eyelid down. So I didn't even get to get to my interstitial. I'll save it for the next one. That's okay.
Monica Padman
Well, mine was timely.
Dax Shepard
Stay tuned if that's in. Stay tuned for my interstitial between Thalia, Talia. Talia and Annie. All right.
Monica Padman
Mine's very timely to Kyle's story, so it's important.
Dax Shepard
Mine might be, too. I'll figure out between now and then.
Monica Padman
You'Re gonna make yours about a sting.
Dax Shepard
I'll figure it out. I'll come up with a segue that is seamless. We are supported by the new holiday action comedy Red 1. The mission to save Christmas is on. Dwayne Johnson and Chris Evans star in Red One from Jake Kasdan, who I love, as you know, director of Jumanji. Welcome to the jungle. After Santa Claus, codename Red One, played by J.K. simmons, is kidnapped, the North Pole's head of security, played by Dwayne Johnson, must team up with the world's most infamous bounty hunter, played by Chris Evans in a globe trotting, action packed mission to save Christmas. This is Christmas fun like you've never seen before. See Red 1 only in theaters November 15th. Get tickets now@redonemovie.com we are supported by Audible. I love Audible. I've been listening to so much Audible lately because I've been taking these naps a lot. I always like to listen to Audible to go to sleep. Now look, it's a special feeling when you encounter a story that truly sparks your imagination. Whether it's imagining new worlds and possibilities or discovering new ways of thinking, there's more to imagine when you listen. That's why we love listening. Listening to the amazing titles they have on Audible. Right now I'm listening to WIM hof.
Monica Padman
Yeah. And you are really into it. You were explaining a lot of the pieces to me.
Dax Shepard
Yeah. And I lost you a little bit.
Monica Padman
I'm listening to Intermezzo by Sally Rooney.
Dax Shepard
Is it great?
Monica Padman
Yeah, it's great.
Dax Shepard
Audible truly has the best selection of audiobooks without exception. From bestsellers to new releases to exclusive Audible originals, there's always something to discover. As an Audible member, you choose one title a month to keep from their entire catalog. New members can try audible free for 30 days. Visit audible.comdax or text DAX to 500 500. That's audible.comdax or text Dax to 500. 500. We are supported by Sonos. Oh boy, oh boy. Sonos is my favorite product in my whole life. I'm listening to it all day long. I'm in the gym listening to Sonos. I'm at home, listen, watching TV with my Sonos soundbar. I mean, it's.
Monica Padman
It really changes the whole experience of listening.
Dax Shepard
Look, you're listening to the podcast right now, but how are you listening if you're not listening on a Sonos speaker? You don't even know how amazing the dulcet tones of our voices can sound. Sonos is known for having the absolute best sound quality of any speaker on the market. You've got to hear it. And as good as Sonos can make us sound, imagine listening to Pink Floyd on a Sonos speaker or hearing the booming dramatic music in a great action film on a Sonos soundbar. Game changing. Another incredible feature of Sonos. Their integrated sound system makes it easy to play anything in any room.
Monica Padman
I love that it's easy to use.
Dax Shepard
Too, so you can keep your dance party going throughout your whole house. Visit sonos.comdax to learn more that's sonos.com. dax.
Thalia
Hello.
Annie
Hi.
Dax Shepard
Oh, that's a cute Nike Air sweatshirt.
Monica Padman
I want it.
Thalia
Thank you. I just got it.
Dax Shepard
Is it vintage or new?
Thalia
I'll give it to you. It's vintage. My girlfriend gave it to me. She's so sweet.
Monica Padman
Oh, it's incredibly cute.
Dax Shepard
Very cute. The Nike is in pink, and the Air and the shoosh are in copper or gold?
Monica Padman
Goldie. Copper. And it has a good neckline. I like the structure of the sweatshirt.
Thalia
That's my favorite.
Dax Shepard
Could you pronounce your name? I don't want to mess it up.
Thalia
Thalia with a Thalia.
Dax Shepard
Wonderful. Where did mom and dad get Thalia?
Thalia
My mom named me after a news reporter.
Dax Shepard
Oh, like a local celebrity?
Thalia
I don't know if she was local. My mom just told me that she saw the name on TV and liked it.
Dax Shepard
Oh, I like that. Where are you from originally?
Thalia
I'm from Illinois, but I live in San Diego right now.
Dax Shepard
San Diego style.
Monica Padman
You're close by.
Dax Shepard
Okay. This is a wild card, so feel free to do whatever you want and tell us whatever you can. Give Monica your sweatshirt.
Thalia
Yes, I would love to give you. Please, I would send it to you immediately.
Monica Padman
I could.
Thalia
Don't tell my girlfriend.
Monica Padman
But no, you deserve that sweatshirt.
Thalia
Oh, thank you so much. So I actually got selected for a different prompt, and I missed the email.
Dax Shepard
Oh, that's okay. Wow.
Monica Padman
You know what? I get it.
Thalia
It's so unfortunate, but Emma was so kind and reached out to recently for this episode and was like, hey, I remembered your story. Do you want to do it for the wild Card episode? And I was freaking out. I, like, ran into work.
Dax Shepard
I was like, guys, Emma's a blessing.
Monica Padman
Oh, hell, yeah, she is.
Thalia
I feel like my emails sounded so crazy, but I was like, oh, my God. Oh, my God. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Dax Shepard
Aw.
Monica Padman
We're all about second chances here at Armchair Expert.
Dax Shepard
We are now. Yeah. That's now our official. What have we changed from messiness to human being to podcast about Second Chance.
Monica Padman
Oh, my God. It's even more grotesque.
Dax Shepard
I know. Yeah. Puke.
Thalia
Yeah. Okay, well, I'm really excited. The story takes place in Illinois, where I'm from, in my college town, Charleston, Illinois. EIU, if anyone knows.
Dax Shepard
What year did you graduate?
Thalia
20. 21. You're a youngster.
Dax Shepard
Yeah.
Monica Padman
You are.
Thalia
I am 25.
Dax Shepard
You're either a youngster or a dum dum.
Monica Padman
No.
Dax Shepard
Yeah. Like, it could have taken her 12 years to go through college. Those are the two options on the.
Monica Padman
Table necessarily mean she was Dumb.
Thalia
I'm happy to be labeled as either.
Dax Shepard
It took me six years.
Thalia
Hey, I'm proud of you. It took me four and a half, but that's close. Close enough.
Dax Shepard
Who cares?
Thalia
Yeah. So I was just getting back to Charleston. My senior year of college was about to start. It was going to be a few weeks until the school year started. But I was in a sorority at the time, so there were some obligations I needed to do. Like we had like a little video shoot for rushing.
Monica Padman
Oh, wow, that's fancy.
Thalia
Yeah. Make it to Charleston and I'm not feeling super well. I had just gotten back. The last thing I had eaten was cheese curds from Culver's and I'm lactose intolerant.
Monica Padman
Oh, okay.
Thalia
So I was like, okay, I had a tummy ache. So I go to the sorority thing. I tell everyone, hi, I'm not feeling so good, but I'm here.
Dax Shepard
I got a belly full of cheese curds. And Are you Asian?
Thalia
People think that all the time. I am just white.
Dax Shepard
I kind of thought it. And then when I heard lactose intolerant, I remember 90% of Asians are lactose intolerant. Then it all added up.
Monica Padman
You take such big swings with your ass, I gotta say.
Dax Shepard
I know. Are you astounded that I still in business?
Monica Padman
That one is. Wow. Okay, go on.
Dax Shepard
Wait, which part? Did she look Asian or that Asians are 90% lactose in color?
Monica Padman
I just didn't need to know that piece of my show.
Thalia
That's so good. No. A lot of people do ask me that, so don't feel bad. Nobody believes that I am white.
Dax Shepard
Just an old fashioned haunting.
Monica Padman
It's fun though, because then you're exotic. It didn't come with the marginalization.
Thalia
Right, right.
Monica Padman
There you go. Win, win.
Thalia
I end up going home early from this thing and then progressively over the next four days, my stomach is getting worse. I'm constipated for sure.
Dax Shepard
Okay, so you weren't dealing with hanas rheus those four days.
Thalia
Say that again.
Monica Padman
That's Dex's word for diarrhea.
Dax Shepard
Yeah, Hanas rheus. It sounds a little more something.
Monica Padman
It sounds cuter.
Thalia
It's beautiful. I wasn't going to the bathroom, like, at all. So I went to the pharmacy and I was like, okay, I gotta figure this out. So I kind of explored multiple different routes over this four day period. I took a bunch of laxatives, I drank a bunch of black coffee. Oh, sure, nothing was working. And I was like, damn, this is the worst constipation. I've ever had in my whole life. Like, it hurt so bad.
Dax Shepard
Are you someone that had dealt with constipation frequently, or is this out of.
Thalia
The blue pretty frequently? As a lactose intolerant person who loves everything dairy, my fate's sealed. Okay, but it's not getting any better. I felt so bad. I didn't want to eat anything, and I don't know why. I just kind of ignored that part. And I was like, nothing's working. I don't know what's going on. At the end of this period of time, I'm with a friend, and I wake up in the middle of the night. I turn over to her, I nudge her. I'm like, I don't feel good. I quite literally have a terrible gut feeling. I think it's time I go to the hospital. And, like, I had never been to the hospital really before. And she's like, I've had constipation. That's really, really painful. Like, you're probably fine. And I'm like, I'm gonna go. So she's like, okay, let me know what happened. So I go to the hospital.
Monica Padman
Let me know what happened. Why didn't she go with you?
Dax Shepard
What's she going to do? She's not a doctor.
Monica Padman
It's nice to support your friends.
Dax Shepard
My God, she's not a cab driver. She's not a doctor. She's not a paramedic.
Thalia
So I drive to this ER and it's so quiet. It's 2020, so you have to go up to the door, tell them about your symptoms and ask to be let in. Or they, like, assess you there. They take your temperature. Basically are like, why are you here? Two nurses approach the door. They're like, what are your symptoms? Take my temp. And he's like, well, there's not much we can do for a stomachache.
Monica Padman
Oh, my God.
Thalia
He said, do you want me to leave? Should I go home? And the other nurse was kind of like, sorry about him. No, please come inside. I'm like, oh, God, we haven't seen.
Dax Shepard
A patient in a week.
Thalia
Anyway, it was wild. So they let me in. And, like, no one's there. Was it really so much trouble?
Monica Padman
Also, that was dumb of him because obviously they need to check for. I don't want to ruin the story. I don't know if it's that bad. Appendix. Oh, okay. Go on.
Dax Shepard
That's good. You should guess out loud. That's a good guess, because I don't.
Monica Padman
Want to ruin it. If it's True. Okay.
Thalia
No, I love it when you guys guess.
Monica Padman
Monica has a guess, I have a guess, but I'm not going to say it.
Dax Shepard
She thinks your appendix are in trouble.
Monica Padman
Okay. My God, can't you just respect my needs?
Dax Shepard
I don't know. Sometimes yes and sometimes no.
Thalia
I will say that was not on my mind in any way. I also was 21 years old, and I was like, my tummy always hurts. I'm a girl, and I eat a lot of dairy. Like, I wasn't even worried, really. I just was like, I don't feel good. Please help.
Dax Shepard
You just want an X ray, right? That's what you're looking for? Yeah. Like, take a picture of my insides, please.
Thalia
Yeah. So I go in. I am there for about eight hours. They give me an X ray. I get a CAT scan. But I found out through this process that it's incredibly hard to get, like, an IV in my arms or even draw blood at all.
Dax Shepard
You're not vascular?
Thalia
No, not at all. So they couldn't give me. I think it's iodine. When you go to a CAT scan through an iv, which is quicker, but I had to drink it over hours, and then I had to go get my CAT scan. So it took forever. After, like, eight hours has passed, the doctor comes in, but he's like, I don't know how to tell you this. Your appendix has ruptured and your entire body is infected.
Monica Padman
Oh, my God.
Dax Shepard
You're, like, almost septic.
Monica Padman
Holy shit.
Thalia
I was beyond septic. I didn't know that at the time. I also didn't know what septic was at the time. He didn't say that. He just was like, we have to get you immediately to a hospital, and you're going to have to go get an emergency surgery. He's calling all these hospitals in the area, and nobody has a. Because it's Covid.
Monica Padman
Oh, my God.
Thalia
Because I needed an interventional radiologist, but I also needed a specific kind of surgeon because there was also, like, an abscess from the rupture, and my organs were failing, leaking.
Monica Padman
I can't believe you were just waking up and you were like, I guess I'll just drive myself to the doctor. You're a trooper, big time. Thalia.
Dax Shepard
I would also say, could you go grab that nurse that almost didn't let me in? I'd like to talk to him.
Thalia
I feel like his name is Nick. I don't remember, but I did tell him he was an asshole.
Monica Padman
Oh, good.
Thalia
The nurses were helping me out, and I was like, you Know the short guy, the short nurse in the front. I'm short too, so no hate. But I was like, he was so mean to me. What if I would have gone?
Monica Padman
You would have died.
Dax Shepard
You died on the car ride.
Thalia
I would have died. And then he comes in later. I told them not to tell him, but they did. And he came in, he's like, so you think I'm an asshole? And I was like, yes, I do. They had given me so much anti anxiety meds at this point, I'm gone. Oh, my God.
Monica Padman
He's trying to floor.
Dax Shepard
Let it rip.
Monica Padman
Yeah. He's like, so you think I'm an asshole?
Dax Shepard
Yeah.
Thalia
He really thought I was into that.
Monica Padman
Ugh.
Thalia
They call the nearest hospital. They don't have beds for me. I have to go to the next state over because they're the only hospital that has the surgeon and the radiologist that I need. I get in the ambulance and they're like asking me all these questions. I'm in and out of consciousness. I don't know if it's from literally dying or from the drugs that are in my system. The last thing I remember is just them asking me the questions. And then I wake up and I have had surgery.
Dax Shepard
Wow.
Thalia
I think that I just had an appendectomy and I'm gonna go home. I did not know, but I was fully septic, if not beyond my white blood cell count was so far beyond the qualifications for sepsis. The doctors were like, did you not feel pain? You're like a miracle. How are you walking? How are you here? And so I just was like, yeah, I felt pain, but I thought I was gonna constipated.
Dax Shepard
Yeah.
Thalia
So I spent about 10 days in the hospital with a lot of morphine, a lot of antibiotics, a lot of fluids, a lot of drugs. Drawing my blood was absolutely necessary. And they just couldn't do it sometimes. And they would just come back and keep trying and keep trying.
Monica Padman
Oh, my God.
Thalia
That was worse than anything else. Trigger warning for needles. Felt everywhere on my arms and my hands. It was so bad.
Dax Shepard
Why didn't they put a line in?
Thalia
So they did, and it didn't work. I was able to get fluids in, but they couldn't draw blood out of it.
Monica Padman
Oh, my God.
Thalia
It was like a sick joke. I was so ready to be done. And I had a PICC line or a midline or whatever they're called in this arm. I was able to get my antibiotics through it, but they installed it specifically to drop blood because they were having so much trouble sending all these people in trying to get it out of me, and they just couldn't.
Monica Padman
Maybe you didn't have any blood.
Dax Shepard
What if someone came in with, like, a pocket knife at some point and a cuff and they're like, listen, we're just gonna have to cut?
Thalia
Honestly, it probably would have been less painful than what I had already experienced anyway. I didn't fully process how sick I was even until, like, a year later. I had no idea that I was dying and my organs were failing me.
Monica Padman
Scary.
Thalia
My infection continued after I got out of the hospital. It was not gone. It was to a point where it was, like, manageable and that I would just have to do a couple weeks of IV therapy, daily antibiotics for, I want to say, like, two to three weeks. I missed the beginning of my senior year, so I got to go home. But because of licensing issues across state lines, they couldn't authorize any doctor to administer my IV antibiotics to me. They had to get a home health care nurse to come teach me how to do my own iv.
Dax Shepard
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got to do this, too. And then I taught my girls how to do it, how to flush the line, put in the first thing. It became a little thing they would do.
Thalia
Yeah, I mean, I played doctor for a couple weeks. It was cool. I remember saline, blood thinner, antibiotics, saline again, close it up, clean it, do it again. The next day, I was immunocompromised as well because I was so sick, so I couldn't go anywhere.
Dax Shepard
Did you lose a bunch of weight?
Thalia
I did. I lost so much weight. It's funny because when I showed up at my sorority photo shoot, my belly was, like, humongous because it was so.
Monica Padman
Disguised and inflamed and sick.
Thalia
Oh, my God. It was summer, too. So you could see the shape of my body. I'm 4 11. I'm a pretty small girl. So someone had told me that I was, like, looking thick, and I was like, that is an insane thing to say. But I'm gonna ignore that.
Monica Padman
That is an insane thing to say.
Thalia
I look back at it, and I look at photos from that time, and I'm like, I can't believe my appendix was just ruptured. In this photo, it was ruptured for four days while I was just walking around.
Monica Padman
You're so lucky.
Thalia
I know. I don't know how I managed.
Dax Shepard
I want there to be some kind of contest you can enter. It's a pain threshold contest. Like, maybe you could be a world champion.
Monica Padman
I think you might be some of.
Dax Shepard
These Japanese game shows do you ever see these, Monica, where it's like they torture people? You know, these game shows? Maybe that could be. You could endure, like, some.
Thalia
I feel like I've won the contest by, like, being here.
Monica Padman
Yeah, by living.
Thalia
Being here and being on the podcast as well. This is so exciting. So I'm like, oh, if that didn't happen, then I guess I wouldn't be here.
Dax Shepard
So you for me, Maybe Nick's listening too. Let's hope Nick's listening.
Monica Padman
I hope he's not a listener. He's a dick.
Thalia
I hope he's out there. I hope his name is Nick. I don't know if that is. I feel like it was. So I wrote in for the near death prompt.
Monica Padman
Oh, yeah.
Dax Shepard
Oh, yeah.
Monica Padman
Thank you for sharing that very harrowing story.
Dax Shepard
Yes. Nice meeting you, Thalia. Tell your mom we really like the name. And she did well.
Thalia
Thank you. She will freak out if I even tell her you said that.
Monica Padman
Have a great day.
Thalia
Bye.
Monica Padman
Ah, that was worse than I thought I had since it was an appendix situation, but I didn't know she was full septic.
Dax Shepard
10 days. Have you ever stayed in the hospital, Monica?
Monica Padman
Knock on wood.
Dax Shepard
So no. And then knock on wood.
Monica Padman
Yeah.
Dax Shepard
Okay. I did three days. By day three, I was like, oh, my God, I might just leave. I can't imagine 10.
Monica Padman
Yeah. Feeling stuck.
Dax Shepard
Or Jeff Bridges. What was it? It? Five weeks. Five solid week. Time moves so weird there.
Monica Padman
Yeah, no thanks.
Dax Shepard
I do like the attention and they come in all the time. Hey, what's going on? They got a chart. We are supported by Peloton. Are you tired of the same old workout routine or struggling to find motivation at this busy time of year? It's time to check out Peloton.
Monica Padman
Peloton is so great. We all know this. Also, not only is it a good workout, which I did at our friend Molly's house, it's a great workout. But it's also, like, pretty. It's sleek.
Dax Shepard
Yeah, it is. It's a good looking piece.
Monica Padman
Very aesthetically pleasing. And you know that matters to me.
Dax Shepard
I know. I agree. Well, Peloton has a variety of training programs. They got pilates, 5k, 10k, half and full marathon programs, strength training, boot camps. There's so many ways to challenge yourself.
Monica Padman
It's so helpful to have a set plan. It takes the guesswork out. It just makes it easier to get started on your fitness journey.
Dax Shepard
It's great. And there's so many options on Peloton so you can find a workout that gives you exactly what you're Looking for.
Monica Padman
Kind of workout are you feeling today?
Dax Shepard
Well, I gotta tell you, I was recently advised by a doctor to incorporate some more blasts, some high intensity blasts that you get the special. He said, look at sprinters, right? Why do they look like that? Because they're in this really high heart rate for some period of time and it's really beneficial. So I'm looking to go hard, hard, hard.
Monica Padman
Cool. Well, whatever you're looking for. Peloton has the workout for you and they have world class fitness instructors to push you to the next level.
Dax Shepard
Find your push, find your power with peloton@1peloton.com we are supported by Wayfair. Oh my goodness, I love Wayfair. My feet are on a Wayfair coffee table right now that I'm in love with. I cannot believe the holidays are just around the corner. If you're hosting this holiday season, it's definitely that time where you need to start prepping the house to make things festive but also functional for your guests. Wayfair is the place to get great deals on things your home actually needs this time of year. Cozier blankets, maybe a few extra dining chairs, holiday serveware. You name it, they have it. If you've been eyeing a few things on Wayfair, now is the time to get them. They have huge holiday deals going on right now and you can get up to 70% off during their Black Friday deals. That's huge. 70%.
Monica Padman
As you said, we have a coffee table, we have side tables in the studio. This whole place is Wayfair.
Dax Shepard
We are decked out. Wayfair also offers free and easy shipping, even on the big stuff, and they'll help you set it up. One less thing to worry about this busy season. Don't miss out on saving big with Wayfair this holiday. Head to Wayfair.com now to shop Wayfair's Black Friday deals. That's W a Y F A I R.com we are supported by 23andMe plus total health. Advocating for your health and the personalized care you need and deserve in today's one size fits all healthcare system feels impossible. 23andMe + Total Health is a longevity platform that uses cutting edge genetic testing and blood biomarker analysis to help you create a health plan that's unique to you. With their advanced genetic screening, you'll get access to insights into your potential future disease risks which can help lead to early detection and even prevention.
Monica Padman
23Andme is how we learned about misophonia.
Dax Shepard
That's Right.
Monica Padman
It's how we gave it credit.
Dax Shepard
And I just ordered a supplemental test that already was there. They just had to analyze it for our isaacson. Yeah, with 23andMe plus total health, you get comprehensive blood testing beyond routine labs, which can help you get a better understanding of how your health is changing throughout the year. Best of all, it's FSAHSA eligible. Check with your administrator to confirm eligibility. Advocate for your health today. Go to 23andMe.comDax to receive 10% off. That's 10% off at 23andMe.comDax.
Monica Padman
What was the story you wanted?
Dax Shepard
I'm gonna now kick it down the road between Annie and Caitlin. Okay, here comes Annie. Here comes Amos. Well, Amos, Moses lived by himself in the swamp. Hunted alligator for living. Just hit him in the head with the stump. Son, LA Gator going get you, Amos. Hi, Annie.
Annie
Hi, guys. How are you?
Dax Shepard
Are you a car lover, or is your lover a car lover?
Annie
We all are car lovers. We have two convertible Mustangs in our household.
Dax Shepard
Oh, I'm in his office.
Annie
He works from home.
Dax Shepard
Is that a 68?
Annie
You know what? Okay.
Monica Padman
Come on.
Dax Shepard
Sure enough. And where are you, Mustang owner?
Annie
We are in Sacramento.
Dax Shepard
Oh, okay. Our state's capital.
Annie
It's where I grew up, but I raised my kids in Seattle, which is where the story takes place.
Dax Shepard
Well, take us to Seattle.
Annie
Okay. July 2020. Solid in the pandemic. Kids are going stir crazy. Fourth of July is coming up, and we have some very close friends who live in Idaho. So everyone in Seattle is fully masked. We're not doing anything. There are no Fourth of July plans. Our friends call and say, hey, guess what? I could get canceled for this. So they go to Idaho. My friends live in what's called Rexburg, and it is where byu, Idaho is.
Dax Shepard
They have a Brigham Young University there.
Annie
Correct.
Dax Shepard
Okay. How old are your kids, by the way? In this story?
Annie
At the time, 16 and 18. Today they are 20 and 22.
Dax Shepard
Okay, 16 and 18. That's ripe age for some mischief.
Annie
Yes. And they are both girls. So we send them off and they come back. And the younger one created a little crush on one of the LDS kids. And I had told my friend, who is lds, I said, do not let them get a crush on any of these LDS boys. Because, you know, they marry at like, 12.
Dax Shepard
Yeah. They'll go on mission and your daughter will miss him so much, she'll convince herself that they should be married.
Annie
Exactly. We are not obvious. So they come back and she says, I met this boy and he's really sweet and cute. And I call my friend. I'm like, who is this boy? And she says, oh, he's a nice kid. Friends of our kids. Fine. About five weeks later, she says, hey, that boy, he's coming to visit his grandma who lives in Kirkland, so it's right next to Redmond. I said, oh, okay. She goes, we're going to meet out at the lake and we're gonna go hang out. So I'm gonna give you some details that need to be in, but it's gonna be weird.
Dax Shepard
Great.
Annie
She wakes up that morning at like 7am unlike her. Especially during the pandemic, everybody's sleeping in. Emma, what are you doing? She goes, oh, a friend of mine stopped by and gave me coffee. I'm like, nobody knocked on the door? Yeah, he came around the corner and gave it in my bedroom window.
Monica Padman
Oh.
Annie
And I'm all, okay, don't have your friends go through the bedroom window. Please have them knock. Even if it's 7:00am you know, I'm.
Dax Shepard
Awake one quick second to me, if I'm the parent, I'm like, there's more to this story than someone came to your window and brought you coffee. Were you suspicious and just letting it go or what was happening?
Annie
I'm not suspicious because she had had a crush on this boy before the pandemic. So I thought he was just showing up really sweetly. They were not dating or anything, not thinking anything, because I have two girls and one of them is drama. One of them is not. This is the not one.
Dax Shepard
Oh, gotcha. Your guard was down.
Annie
Correct. So I go about my day, and she goes upstairs and talks to her father, who is also working from home. That's all I know about that. Later, she goes off, goes to the lake with this boy who's visiting his grandma. And my husband calls me and he says, you know that whole thing with the boy and the coffee? When she came upstairs, I looked outside. There was a boy walking down the driveway. I said, who's that? She goes, oh, that's that boy. He brought me coffee. He goes, that didn't sit well because last night I heard a noise. It was like 2am he went downstairs to check on the girls, and he goes to the door and he tries to open it, and it's locked. He knocks on the door and she comes up. She goes, what, Papa? What?
Dax Shepard
Oh, good. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Annie
It's 2:00am why is your door locked? She goes, oh, we stayed up watching tv. I don't know.
Monica Padman
That makes no sense. Okay.
Annie
None of this is fitting. So I call her and I say, where are you? And she goes, I'm at the lake. And I said, so last night's thing, Papa came into your room, the boy at the coffee. Something feels wrong.
Monica Padman
Yeah.
Annie
And she goes, no, nothing's wrong. I'm like, if there's anything wrong, now's the time to tell me, right? And she says, I got nothing. I'm all, are you sure? She goes, have I ever given you any reason not to trust me?
Dax Shepard
Okay, she was desperate.
Annie
That's the line.
Dax Shepard
She was desperate.
Annie
And I go, no, you haven't. And I want to think everything's fine.
Monica Padman
Sure.
Dax Shepard
Yes, exactly.
Annie
So can he come over for dinner? Yes, he can come over for dinner. So we meet this boy. He's fine. I'm not thinking anything. He lives in Idaho.
Monica Padman
Does your husband say that's the boy that was walking down?
Annie
No. We're still under the impression there is a boy separate from the Idaho kid who's walking down the driveway. So he is hanging around, and for four days, he's hanging around. He's, like, leaving at night, going to Grandma's, showing up at, like, 9am they're going to breakfast. They're watching TV. They're going to the lake. And I'm like, when are you going home?
Thalia
I don't even know.
Dax Shepard
You go home and doesn't your grandma.
Annie
Want to hang out with you?
Dax Shepard
Is there a grandma?
Annie
He says, yeah, my grandma knows I have a big crush on your daughter, so she's okay with me hanging out here. And my husband and I are all, what the freak? Go home. We are all done.
Dax Shepard
All done.
Annie
Day four. I get up really early. I have a thing. I do. I get up, I grab everybody's laundry. Then I go about my day. I do my little journaling. I have a little coffee, the whole nine yards. And I go into the laundry area, and I can see there's no laundry for my daughter. I go to get it because I know where it is. It's on the floor of her room. That's how she rolls. So I go, and it's locked. What the freak. Why is it locked? She whips the door open right then I said, what are you doing? She goes, oh, I was going to the bathroom. What are you doing? I said, I'm coming to get the laundry that I know is on your floor. And she's all, no, no. And she's, like, pushing me away. And I go, what are you doing? Let me in. I just want to get your laundry. And she's like, mama, you know it's messy. I know you hate how messy it is.
Monica Padman
She's really sticking to it.
Dax Shepard
She's got no choice. She's in a corner.
Annie
So finally she holds me one more time and I get mad. I'm like, knock it off. By the way, I should have a caveat. Everybody said I could tell the story.
Dax Shepard
Okay?
Annie
So I walk into her room and there is clothes all over the floor. And I pick it up and I put it into my little bag and I walk in. She goes, where's papa? And I said, he's upstairs about to get in the shower. And she says, I have a question I want to ask both of you. And I was thinking she's going to ask if she can drive back to Idaho with this kid. And I said, well, he's upstairs. Go catch him before he gets in the shower. So she goes upstairs, I go to the laundry room, but then I'm like, there's something. And I drop the laundry and I go back into the room. She has sliding doors for her closet. And I open one side of the sliding door and I am like, I hate myself for this. I hate that I don't trust her. And I open one side and there's nothing there. I'm like, okay. And I open the other side and there's feet and I just take my eyes and there's legs and there's shorts and there is a 16 year old boy going, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. And I just looked at him and I just punched him in the stomach.
Dax Shepard
Oh, wow.
Monica Padman
What?
Dax Shepard
Oh wow.
Monica Padman
Oh my God.
Annie
And I scream, get the fuck out.
Dax Shepard
Of my fucking house.
Annie
And I'm screaming at. Because I'm not a cusser. And I'm screaming it. Cause I know he'll be overwhelmed with the cussing.
Thalia
And so I'm like screaming as if.
Monica Padman
He'S a burglar stuff or a bear.
Annie
I yell my daughter's name, where are you? I go upstairs and Michael, he is blissfully standing there turning his shower on. He has no idea what's going on.
Thalia
I said, oh my God, he's in the closet. And he goes, and he's like trying.
Monica Padman
To get sweats on and he runs.
Annie
Out and she comes in crying and he looks at her and he goes, I don't know what's gonna happen to you. Just super quietly. Oh boy, I don't know what's gonna happen to you.
Monica Padman
Oh my God, this is like a movie. Wait, hold on, hold on, hold on. Is this boy The Idaho boy? Or is this a different boy?
Annie
Okay, the friend who brought her the coffee was him. He had driven 10 hours in the middle of the night, crawled through her window, and then crawled out of her window. And my parents are going to see this boy walking down the driveway, which Michael did. Their thought process was.
Dax Shepard
It was short sighted.
Annie
I grab the dogs because I'm so pissed. And I'm like, I'm going for a walk. I'm so mad. And I'm stomping down the driveway and my other daughter calls. The older daughter is on a road trip. And she goes, hey, mama. And I'm like, you knew? And she goes, sister Secret Epilogue. Four years later. They're still together.
Monica Padman
Yeah.
Dax Shepard
Oh, wow. They're still together. And do you like him?
Annie
After much therapy, we like him a lot.
Dax Shepard
Was there any grandma or was he just coming to stay at your house? There was no grandma, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Monica Padman
Before Daisy's, he was sleeping there every day.
Annie
Yes. Scandalous little punks.
Dax Shepard
I know. So I couldn't get comfortable. I'd be so nervous. The whole time.
Annie
I was thinking the same thing. I was talking to my daughter before I got in here, and she said, I don't know what we were thinking.
Dax Shepard
I'll tell you what they were thinking.
Monica Padman
We were supposed to be together.
Dax Shepard
They were like a wall of fire. Will not stand in between our love.
Annie
Said at the time I just had to see him. I loved him so much. Even though they had only known each other for like a week.
Monica Padman
She was right.
Dax Shepard
Yeah, she was kind of right.
Annie
It's been a little roller coaster for us. Not for them.
Dax Shepard
Yeah, they're just fine. What did Michael land on as a consequence?
Annie
Oh, so that was the best bedroom in the house. It had its own bathroom, and it was the biggest.
Dax Shepard
And accessible.
Annie
Exactly. And we moved her upstairs into the.
Dax Shepard
Tiniest bedroom possible, into the storybook. What do they put the princess up in the.
Annie
Yes, in the tower.
Dax Shepard
Tower, yeah, you put her in the tower.
Annie
And then she had to share a bathroom with her sister, which she ended up actually going downstairs because that didn't work out.
Monica Padman
Yeah. The sister's like, what the fuck?
Annie
I didn't do anything except not tell my parents.
Monica Padman
That's a good sister, though. We want.
Dax Shepard
Yeah, you gotta respect that.
Annie
I do respect it. But he told me he cried all the way home. Called his mom. Mom said she thought he was with his actual grandma in whatever someplace. Idaho. No one knew. He had just kept driving.
Monica Padman
Oh, Young love.
Dax Shepard
I have questions, but they're best not asked.
Monica Padman
I Think, well, like, were they doing it?
Dax Shepard
Were they making love down there? And is the fact that he's lds.
Monica Padman
Like, he's, like, wrestling.
Dax Shepard
That drive home for him is probably like, oh, my God, the parents know. Oh, I gotta tell my mom. Oh, my God. I probably.
Monica Padman
Yes, it was probably a heavy ride home.
Annie
Yeah. I think he told her more than my kid told me. I'm very close to my daughter, but I'm sure she was sparing me.
Dax Shepard
Yeah.
Annie
And Michael, they both say, no, there was some key in. And a shein.
Dax Shepard
As my mother would say, heavy petting, snuggling. Okay.
Annie
That'S so gross.
Monica Padman
I know.
Dax Shepard
It is really gross.
Monica Padman
Wow. Well, you guys made it through.
Dax Shepard
Annie, I really like your personality a lot. I give it a 10 out of 10. In fact, I can't even believe you were angry.
Annie
It's a rough one for me to get there. You gotta make me angry.
Kyle
Yeah.
Dax Shepard
Sounds like you have too good of a sense of humor about life to ever get really that angry.
Annie
I knew that they would sneak around, so we said, listen, we're gonna support this relationship, but you guys have to tell us everything. And the problem with that is I really tamped down how angry I actually was. I think it really came to a head about a year ago when I was finally like, I'm all done with this kid. Yeah, I'm all done. And finally I went to therapy, and now I'm good.
Dax Shepard
It was an opportunity for you to grow.
Annie
We've all grown, and now we're all in.
Monica Padman
Yay.
Dax Shepard
Until Michael finds him driving one of his Mustangs. Then it's a whole new prompt. Well, lovely meeting you. This has been very fun.
Annie
Nice to meet you guys. Guys, thank you so much for letting me share it.
Dax Shepard
Oh, so fun. Okay, bye.
Annie
Bye.
Dax Shepard
Okay. Do you want to hear my story?
Monica Padman
Yes. What's your story?
Dax Shepard
It's a very short story. You and I returned home from Austin two days ago, and I weighed myself yesterday morning, And I was 202.4 pounds, which means I gained, like, eight pounds on that trip. And this morning, 24 hours later, I was 195. I lost seven and a half pounds yesterday through many, many, many harnesses. Okay. Okay, that was my story. Worth it.
Monica Padman
Oh, yeah.
Dax Shepard
Her zoo name says Katie. Okay, we'll see. Caitlyn or Katie or Catlina. Can I call you Catlina?
Monica Padman
She punched him in the stomach.
Dax Shepard
Good for her.
Thalia
Hello.
Monica Padman
Hi.
Dax Shepard
Hi. So let's bring you into the argument we were having when you were signing on. And do you go by Caitlyn? Or Katie.
Katie
I go by Katie.
Dax Shepard
Okay, Katie, what is your thoughts on females being physically violent towards young males that they find in their closet?
Monica Padman
I kind of like this really deep question.
Katie
Yeah, I guess it depends on the situation.
Dax Shepard
You're a woman and you find a man in your closet. The woman punches the man in the stomach.
Monica Padman
That's not the scenario at all. Okay, you're a woman with teenage kids, daughters, and you open the closet and there's a boy there that was obviously hanging out with your daughter all night in her bed.
Katie
I can understand.
Monica Padman
You can understand a punch?
Dax Shepard
Yeah. Little sock in the tummy.
Katie
Yeah.
Dax Shepard
Yeah.
Monica Padman
People react.
Katie
Yeah. It's like a jump scare almost.
Dax Shepard
Okay, great. So where are you calling from, Katie?
Katie
I am calling from Duncan, Oklahoma. Very small town. Ron Howard's from here.
Monica Padman
Oh.
Dax Shepard
Oh, yuck.
Katie
And then the guy who played the elf king, I can't remember his name in the Hobbit. He's from Chickasha.
Dax Shepard
Lee Pace.
Katie
Yes, There it is.
Dax Shepard
Yeah, I gotta say, and this is no dig on Oklahoma. I almost never meet anyone from Oklahoma. They love it so much they don't leave.
Katie
It's cheap and I like it a little bit. There's not as much traffic. I mean, I do actually live in the city, but I'm down here recording this because I was here for my job shadowing.
Dax Shepard
Because.
Monica Padman
What?
Dax Shepard
Cause you're. What, did you just speak in tongues? Why are you.
Monica Padman
What happened?
Katie
Sorry, I came down here for job shadowing.
Dax Shepard
Oh, job shadowing. That's not bad. Yeah. Okay, so this is a wild card story. It could involve anything. Where are you in this story and what year is this set us up?
Katie
Okay, so I was in my hometown, which is like 15 minutes away from where I'm at right now in Marlow, another very small town. The year was 2016. I had just turned 16amonth prior to the story. A little context that you need to know is that I'm the oldest of seven.
Dax Shepard
Oh, my Lord.
Katie
Split and blended. You know how it is. So as soon as I got my license, that task was set to me to take the kids to school, pick them up, do all the good stuff that an older sister would do. One day after school, I was a sophomore in high school and my brother was an eighth grader. I got to the middle school and he was like, hey, Kate, can you take my friend home? And I was like, yeah, of course. He lived a couple blocks from us, so I'm going to code name him jp. I took him home and he didn't give me the address, but he just gave me, like directions to the house. So I got to his house and it's set off on the road. They probably have like a 50 foot gravel driveway and there's like a little white fence that runs along it, like halves the driveway up. I pull into the driveway, but I'm not facing the house, how the driveway goes. I pull into it and I'm parallel with the road. So I'm on the wrong side of the road, but I'm in their driveway. So JP gets out and his father and grandfather come up to me and they're like, hey, you old enough to drive? And I was like, yeah, I literally just turned 16. They're like, are you sure? And I was like, yeah. And I, like, went to get my license out. And they were like, no, we're just heckling you. Thanks for bringing our boy home. And I was like, yeah, of course. JP is the oldest of five. So he had several younger siblings outside at the time on top of the parents. He gets out and I go to leave and I turn around, you know, check my blind spots from behind me, check in front of me. I go off and I just accelerate and I just hit this huge bump.
Monica Padman
Oh, my God.
Dax Shepard
Oh, no. Oh, no.
Katie
I looked at my brothers and they were in the car with me. I was like, fuck. And they were like, I don't know. And they just got back on their phones. I look back over and everybody is running to the road. So I get out, I walk to the back of the car, and this flush of energy, it's like the craziest drug I have ever felt I've been on. There was a kid laying in the road.
Dax Shepard
Oh, my gosh.
Katie
An entire child. He's not dead.
Monica Padman
Okay.
Katie
I didn't kill him. Let's cut to the but I just ran over him.
Dax Shepard
Okay. Yeah, okay, okay.
Monica Padman
Was it jp?
Dax Shepard
No, it was one of the siblings.
Katie
It was not jp. It was his youngest sibling. He was about to be two.
Thalia
Oh, yes, girl, yes.
Dax Shepard
This was an infinite.
Katie
This baby crawled literally right past the feet of the two adults. There was a toy in the driveway. So whenever I pulled off my back, driver's side tire ran over his torso.
Monica Padman
Oh, my God.
Katie
I forgot to specify. I drove a 2002 Tahoe. I drove a big.
Dax Shepard
Oh, yeah, that's a 58, 800 pound vehicle right there.
Monica Padman
This is my nightmare. Will you knock on wood?
Dax Shepard
Oh, no, I gotta knock. Hold on, Katie.
Monica Padman
Okay, okay, we're back.
Katie
I was actually the one to call the police. The grandfather was like, call him Call him. I was describing what was going on and she was like, okay, what's the address? And I was like, I don't know, I never got the address. So the grandpa takes the phone from me and he's talking to them and the police get there and they take out their little notepad and come talk to me. Of course, the first thing I asked, I was like, am I going to jail? And he was like, pins. I was like, literally. On what? I assume if they had not told the same story, maybe the baby was already in front of me and I was on my phone or something.
Dax Shepard
Or they find out you're drunk, you're on drugs.
Katie
Yeah, I never even thought of that.
Monica Padman
Oh yeah, because you weren't. So you didn't think of.
Dax Shepard
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Really quick when you were looking at this baby, when you first saw the baby, was the baby moving?
Katie
The baby was writhing around crying and thank God he was crying.
Monica Padman
Yeah, yeah.
Katie
And the mother had run out of the house and she was screaming and crying, understandably. And she like pulled me down there with her and we were just all cradling together, like she was rocking us. Nobody was mad at me or anything. They all said it was a horrible accident. I mean, nobody saw him. So I gave him a collapsed lung, a tear in his liver, and like a tailwind ligament in his neck.
Monica Padman
Oh my God.
Katie
Wow, it was crazy.
Monica Padman
Also, is your brother just like, what the fuck?
Katie
I don't think they said a word. I actually have never considered what they went through that day until now. Yeah, I drive for Amazon. I drive one of those big cargo vans. So anytime I'm on the road in a neighborhood and I see a kid just inching their way towards like the road, I'm like, stop.
Monica Padman
Wow, I'm impressed you entered the field of driving after that trauma.
Dax Shepard
Maybe she's trying to heal.
Monica Padman
Yeah, like get back on that horse.
Dax Shepard
Uh huh. Eight hours a day. Now, they took the toddler to the hospital presumably. And how long was he or she in there?
Katie
He was in there for I think like a week and a half.
Monica Padman
Oh, that's so long.
Katie
I believe he spent his birthday in there.
Dax Shepard
Oh wow. He's 10 now.
Katie
He is 10 years old and I see pictures of him. He looks like a normal kid. It was truly wild.
Dax Shepard
Now this may seem like a stretch of a silver lining, but I am going to say no one should run over kids. But when you're a new parent and you're like so concerned they're gonna fall off the couch, they are durable. Yeah, you would assume a 6,000 pound vehicle driving over a 25 pound baby, definitely.
Monica Padman
There's no question there.
Dax Shepard
But they're saved by the rubberiness.
Katie
Just the fact that it was just a few centimeters from the super uber important part. God. Yeah. It was crazy.
Monica Padman
Such a nightmare.
Dax Shepard
Yeah. How long before you calmed down was it? Like days later. I mean, I gotta imagine I would just keep thinking of getting out of the car and seeing that I didn't.
Katie
Drive for a minute. And anytime I hit like a bump, I literally, not to be dramatic, but I look in my rearview mirror, just make sure.
Dax Shepard
Yeah. When you do something like that without any notion that there was something wrong, you have to permanently consider that that's on the table.
Monica Padman
There's something that feels really unfair about it. It's like you're just in your car, you're just dropping this nice kid on.
Dax Shepard
You don't even want to be there.
Monica Padman
And then it's not on you. What are you going to do? Get out of your car every four minutes to make sure something's not under your tire? You couldn't have done anything.
Dax Shepard
We're blaming all the wrong people. It's the two year old's fault.
Monica Padman
Well, of course I knew something like that was coming.
Katie
After he got out of the hospital, him and his family brought up to the high school a flower, like a little flower vase for me. I was like, oh my gosh. It's actually really sweet.
Monica Padman
Yeah, nice.
Dax Shepard
Did word get out in high school that you would run over a child?
Katie
Yes. I had 87 people in my graduating class.
Monica Padman
Oh, no.
Katie
Honestly, you'd think that it was spread the worst in high school, but my family gives me shit. Anytime they can make a joke, they give me shit.
Annie
To this day.
Dax Shepard
It's their job.
Monica Padman
You're tough. I'm impressed by you.
Katie
Like I said, oldest is seven.
Dax Shepard
Yeah, I'm sorry that happened to you.
Monica Padman
Me too.
Katie
No other prompt matched it. And when I saw that a wild card got prompted, I was just like, hop on that.
Dax Shepard
Yeah. We would never be audacious enough to put out a prompt. Tell us about a time you ran over again. You almost killed a child. As dark as we are.
Monica Padman
Yikes.
Thalia
Oh, boy.
Monica Padman
Well, thank you for sharing that.
Dax Shepard
Yeah, we very much appreciate it. And I hope we're keeping you company on the road while you're driving around nonstop.
Katie
Yes, I'm going through all of it.
Dax Shepard
Thank you. All right, well, be well. Great meeting you. And I'm sorry that happened to you guys.
Katie
Thank you for listening.
Dax Shepard
Okay, bye. Bye. Oh, man.
Monica Padman
Oh, That's a nightmare. God, that is a nightmare. Wow.
Dax Shepard
Do you want to hear an uplifting story to right size?
Monica Padman
Yeah.
Dax Shepard
Okay. So we got home from Austin on Sunday night and I got on the scale Monday morning again and I was 202.4 pounds. Hi. I love you.
Monica Padman
Love you.
Dax Shepard
Do you want to sing a tune or something? We know a theme song. Oh, okay, great. We don't have a theme song for this new show, so here I go. Go, go. We're gonna ask some random questions and with the help of arm cherries, we'll get some suggestions on the fire rhyme dish on the fly rind dish.
Kyle
Enjoy.
Dax Shepard
Follow Armchair Expert on the Wondry app, Amazon Music or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to every episode of Armchair Expert early and ad free right now by joining Wondry plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey@wondry.com survey hey.
Nick
Armchairries, quick question for you. Have you ever stopped to wonder who came up with that bottle of Sriracha sitting in your fridge? Or why almost every house in America has a game of Monopoly stashed away somewhere? Well, this is Nick and this is Jack, and we just launched a brand new podcast called the Best Idea Yet. It's all about the surprising origin stories of the products you're obsessed with and the people who brought them to life. Like Super Mario, the best selling video game character ever. He's only a thing because Nintendo couldn't get the rights to Popeye or Jack. How about McDonald's Happy Meal? Believe it or not, the Happy Meal was dreamed up by a mom in Guatemala. Every week on the Best Idea yet, you'll discover the surprising stories behind the most viral products of all time, while picking up real business insights along the way. We guarantee you'll be that person at your next dinner party, dropping knowledge bombs at the table. Follow the Best Idea yet on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to the Best Idea yet early and ad free right now by joining Wonderyplus.
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard: Episode Summary – "Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI"
In this engaging episode of "Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard," titled "Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI," host Dax Shepard teams up with guest Monica Padman to delve into a series of compelling and personal listener stories. The episode is structured around the "Wild Card" segment, where listeners share unique and often transformative experiences. Below is a detailed summary capturing all key discussions, insights, and emotional narratives presented throughout the episode.
The episode begins with light-hearted banter between Dax Shepard and Monica Padman about the unpleasantness of spitting and the concept of misophonia—a heightened sensitivity to certain sounds. They humorously debate the inconsiderate act of spitting in public versus the natural repulsion caused by eating boogers.
Dax Shepard (00:36): "Yeah, you've really got in my craw. I gotta mention."
Monica Padman (01:07): "It's inconsistent."
This segment sets a relaxed tone, showcasing their chemistry and ability to navigate quirky topics with humor.
Kyle shares a nostalgic and humorous tale from his childhood summer vacations in Maryland. At the age of 12, during a dive contest at his grandparents' house, Kyle experiences an unexpected and painful encounter with a jellyfish, leading to an embarrassing yet memorable situation.
Kyle (08:30): "I hit with my left foot on the dome of a pretty big jellyfish and it rode past my toes, up my gigantic board shorts."
Monica Padman (10:04): "I wonder how many its way back to him."
The story highlights themes of vulnerability, family dynamics, and adolescent embarrassment, all delivered with a humorous edge.
Thalia recounts a harrowing personal experience of nearly dying from a ruptured appendix that led to severe sepsis. Her narrative covers the initial misinterpretation of symptoms, the challenges faced in the hospital during the COVID-19 pandemic, and the subsequent recovery process. Thalia's story is a profound exploration of pain, resilience, and the healthcare system's complexities.
Thalia (28:43): "The doctor was like, we have to get you immediately to a hospital, and you're going to have to go get an emergency surgery."
Dax Shepard (32:18): "Maybe you didn't have any blood."
This segment delves deep into medical trauma, showcasing Thalia's strength and the critical importance of timely medical intervention.
Annie shares an intense and dramatic story about her daughter developing a crush on a boy from their community. During the COVID-19 pandemic, Annie's daughter allows this boy to spend time in her room, leading to unsettling discoveries and significant family tension. The narrative explores themes of trust, parental intervention, and the complexities of teenage relationships.
Annie (46:43): "I just punched him in the stomach."
Dax Shepard (52:39): "Did word get out in high school that you would run over a child?"
Annie's story is both suspenseful and heartwarming, illustrating the challenges of parenting and the growth that comes from confronting difficult situations.
Katie narrates a painful incident where she accidentally runs over a toddler with her vehicle. Reflecting on her actions and the aftermath, Katie discusses the emotional and psychological impact of the accident, her resilience in the face of trauma, and the enduring connection with the child involved.
Katie (58:58): "I was the one to call the police. The grandfather was like, call him."
Monica Padman (64:01): "Such a nightmare."
This story emphasizes themes of guilt, forgiveness, and the capacity for healing after a life-altering event.
Towards the end of the episode, Dax Shepard shares a short, humorous anecdote about his weight fluctuations following a trip to Austin. His light-hearted approach provides a welcome contrast to the intense stories shared by the listeners.
The episode wraps up with Dax, Monica, and the guests reflecting on the stories shared, expressing gratitude, and maintaining a supportive and empathetic environment. They acknowledge the strength and vulnerability of their listeners, reinforcing the podcast's commitment to exploring the human experience.
Monica Padman (12:34): "How can one not think of that."
Dax Shepard (14:36): "Hope he's listening."
Thalia (30:07): "It was beyond septic. I didn't know that at the time."
Annie (50:38): "After much therapy, we like him a lot."
These quotes encapsulate the emotional depth and personal insights discussed throughout the episode, highlighting the transformative power of sharing one's story.
Vulnerability and Resilience: Each story underscores the importance of vulnerability in personal growth and the resilience needed to overcome life's challenges.
Family Dynamics: The narratives explore the complex relationships within families, emphasizing trust, support, and the sometimes tumultuous journey of understanding each other's experiences.
Healthcare and Trauma: Thalia's account provides a candid look into the frailties of the healthcare system and the profound impact of medical emergencies on an individual's life.
Parenting Challenges: Annie and Katie's stories delve into the difficulties of parenting, especially when balancing trust and protection in tumultuous situations.
Humor Amidst Adversity: Dax and Monica's humorous interludes offer levity, demonstrating how humor can coexist with serious and emotional tales.
"Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI" is a testament to the podcast's dedication to uncovering the multifaceted nature of human experiences. Through heartfelt storytelling and genuine conversations, Dax Shepard and Monica Padman create a space where listeners can reflect, empathize, and find solace in shared narratives. This episode, rich with personal anecdotes and emotional depth, exemplifies the essence of "Armchair Expert"—celebrating the messy, beautiful journey of being human.