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Dan Rather
Welcome, welcome. Welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dan Rather and I'm joined by Monica Padman.
Monica Padman
Hi.
Dan Rather
Today is wild card 1212. I cannot believe we've had 12 wild cards.
Monica Padman
We love a wild card.
Dan Rather
We do. Because you don't know what you're gonna get. Are you gonna get sepsis?
Monica Padman
Uh oh.
Dan Rather
Someone might.
Monica Padman
Uh oh.
Dan Rather
Spoiler. Yeah, this is wild. As promised as advertised. Please enjoy Wildcard 12. We are supported by Quince. Your wardrobe should make getting dressed effortless. But building a thoughtful wardrobe can feel impossible, especially when quality outfits cost an arm and a leg. That's the beauty of Quints. Their everyday essentials mix well from season to season and last. I've been building my collection with their pieces, and it's transformed how I get dressed every day. Clothing that's rated between 4.5 and 5 stars by thousands of people. Polos, sweaters, pants and shorts made of premium materials like Mongolian cashmere and European linen without the luxury price tag.
Monica Padman
I have one of the beautiful cashmere sweaters. They're very soft and they're very stylish, chic and simple.
Dan Rather
Simple, yes. Mine looks classic. You know, almost like I'm Steve McQueen or something.
Monica Padman
You want?
Dan Rather
Quince only partners with factories that meet rigorous standards for craftsmanship and ethical production. These pieces are built for daily wear, the kind of clothing that becomes part of your routine because it's reliable. Right now, go to quints.comdax for free shipping and 365 day returns. That's a full year to build your wardrobe and love it. And you will now available in Canada too. Don't keep settling. For clothes that don't last, go to Q-U-I-N c e.com dax for free shipping and 365 day returns. Quints.com dax this podcast is brought to you by Squarespace, the all in one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online. When we were building the Armchair Expert website, Rob actually used Squarespace to get it up and running, which was a smart choice because they've got everything you need in one place to create something that actually looks professional. What really stands out is their blueprint AI feature. It's like having a design assistant that helps you build a site that doesn't look like every other cookie cutter template out there. Answer a few questions about what you're trying to do, and it creates something that actually fits your vision. If you're someone who offers services, whether that's coaching, consulting, creative work, whatever, Squarespace handles all the business stuff too. Payment processing Scheduling, client management. No more juggling five different platforms just to get paid for what you do. The whole thing is designed so you can focus on your actual work instead of wrestling with website tech, which, let's be honest, most of us would rather avoid. So head to squarespace.comdax for a free trial. And when you're ready to Launch, use code DAX to save 10% your first purchase of a website or domain. You got to know I'mma keep on shining. Hello.
Brooke
Hi.
Dan Rather
I see you're in your closet.
Brooke
I am. My closet is tiny. I live in a Cape Cod house, so it's quite small.
Dan Rather
How long have you lived there?
Brooke
I have been here for about five years.
Dan Rather
You and who?
Brooke
My husband.
Dan Rather
How long have you been married?
Brooke
About three years. He and his parents actually renovated this whole house, and then the last nail was hammered in, and I met him that next month.
Dan Rather
Oh, what timing. That's perfect.
Brooke
Yeah, it worked out great for me.
Dan Rather
And then you lived there in sin for a couple of years, and then you tied the knot.
Brooke
Yeah, as the Lord intended.
Dan Rather
Okay, great. What fake name are you going to use?
Brooke
I told my friend I would use her name, so I'm going to be Brooke today.
Dan Rather
Okay, great. I like the name Brooke. It makes me think of Brooke Shields immediately. Solid. Okay, so this is wild card. Also, Monica may enter. She's late. But don't get disrupted. If you see a small mouse, cross frame and then join.
Brooke
I haven't had any small mice in my house before, so it'll be a first for me.
Dan Rather
Okay, great. Brooke, please set up your story.
Brooke
This story takes place in 2012. I was about to graduate from college. It was actually two nights before my college graduation. So it was a Friday night. I was supposed to graduate on Sunday, and I went to a party that was hosted by the college. So they threw a little graduation chindig for graduating seniors.
Dan Rather
And can I ask what your major was? I want to stereotype you a little bit.
Brooke
Do you want to guess? Lean into the stereotyping.
Dan Rather
Okay. I'm going art history.
Brooke
Okay. I love it. It was not art history, but I appreciate it.
Dan Rather
What was it?
Brooke
So that actually is a little bit of the story, so I'm going to reserve that information. But my undergraduate program was just a small liberal arts college. They can host a party for the entire graduating class. That's how small we are.
Dan Rather
Oh, wow. Okay.
Brooke
My friends and I went to that. And then after that was finished, we went back to another friend's dorm room in an area of campus that we typically did not Hang out because it was where the first and second years actually lived. My friend that lived there had left for a semester and come back, and that was the only place that they had housing available. So the party kind of continues there. And around midnight, we go outside to the smoking gazebo. The campus had these wooden gazebos in all of the different housing areas that were a particular distance from the doors to encourage people to smoke their cigarettes the correct distance away.
Dan Rather
And now 2012, what percentage of the students are banging darts?
Brooke
It felt like a lot, but maybe it was just my friends. Okay, so we go to the smoking gazebo. And when we enter the gazebo, we realized that all of the freshmen, they're all given a campus book to read as they enter their freshman year. And they all had taken that book and hung it in rafters of this gazebo. So there were probably like 12 to 15 books that were stuck in the rafters of this wooden gazebo when they're all kind of hanging with their pages fanning out around us.
Dan Rather
How drunk are you? Out of 10?
Brooke
At this point, I feel like in hindsight, I probably was drunker than I thought I was.
Dan Rather
Sure, sure.
Brooke
But I would say like a solid 5 or 6. I would not consider it out of control. I've had way drunker nights. But that combined with the feeling of like, we're done with our undergraduate.
Dan Rather
We're celebrating nature's cocaine.
Brooke
Exactly. It really got into our system. And we decide that we are going to light these books on fire.
Dan Rather
Ok, great. And whose idea specifically?
Brooke
I mean, who can say?
Dan Rather
Okay, okay.
Brooke
We all stand up on the benches in this gazebo, flames to the pages. I'm sure you've burnt paper in your life, so, you know, there's a quick ignition of the pages and then burns out super quickly. And it's mostly just like the littering down of the book pages.
Dan Rather
Ash all over you.
Brooke
Exactly. We're getting covered in ash, but man, felt good.
Dan Rather
Yeah, exciting.
Brooke
We're in the gazebo. I am still standing on the wooden bench with my lighter up to the book pages, and I hear someone behind me say, what are you doing? And so I turn around, and the person behind me is backlit by, like, the industrial lighting of the dorm building. So it's just an outline of a person. And with my lighter still up, I say, I'm lighting these books on fire.
Dan Rather
Duh.
Brooke
Obviously, like, what a stupid question. So the person responds, ma', am, put the lighter down and step out of the gazebo.
Dan Rather
Oh, that sounds like a.
Brooke
It is a law Enforcement officer. And this is where I learned three very important things at the same time that we were lighting these books on fire, there was a freshman across the quad that was lighting fireworks off. And so campus police came down to handle that, and they stumbled upon this scene instead. I also learned that there has been for the last several months in this dorm building where I spend no time, a serial arsonist.
Dan Rather
Goodness, okay. Wow.
Brooke
That they have been trying to capture. And I learned later that this serial arsonist has been lighting trash cans on fire inside of the building, has been lighting rolls of toilet paper on fire and rolling them down hallways. So there's a serial arsonist at large. And this campus police officer thinks that he has captured that arsonist and that that arsonist is me. And with the benefit of hindsight, I mean, it looks like I have put kindling inside of this wooden structure.
Dan Rather
No, you want to talk about, pun intended. Caught red handed. I mean, my goodness, of course you're the arsonist.
Brooke
And I admitted it freely. I have put books in this gazebo. I'm lighting in a circle. All of my friends at this point have ran, so it looks like it is just me because I had my back to him as he arrived. And so he puts me in cuffs. I end up in the back of the car. My friends have all run and my adrenaline is kicking in. And I'm realizing that not only do I have nothing on me, but I don't know any phone numbers of anyone that can help me in this area. My entire family, every member I know, is eight hours away. And now we're quickly approaching 2am the night before I'm supposed to graduate from college.
Dan Rather
Oh, my goodness.
Brooke
I tell the cop what's going on, and he agrees to go get my phone out of my friend's dorm room. And so he brings my phone to me. We get down to the police station, I'm booked. They tell me at this point that I was booked with a misdemeanor charge of disorderly conduct and that my bail was $50. It's just the booking fee, apparently that they were charging me. So I called my friend and tell him and he says, no problem, I'll be down there within the hour. So they get me in a holding cell. Someone comes back in and says that they have spoken with whatever representative, whether it was the school or the fire department, I'm unsure. But they have changed the charge. They have upped it to destruction of property over 250 and arson, both of which are felony charges.
Dan Rather
Oh, no, no, no.
Brooke
Well, this is just a horse of a different color and there's no way I can afford this bail. And they tell me bail is $250,
Dan Rather
still reasonable, not terrible.
Brooke
So I say, well, my friend's bringing 50. Can I call him back? And so they bring me my phone again, which I also did not think, you can use your own phone. But I call my friend again and I tell him what's happened and I say, I have an arraignment in the morning. I can just say the night here it is fine, $250 is a lot. I cannot pay you back immediately. And he just pauses and says, well, is it scary?
Dan Rather
Sure, sure, sure, sure. Are you enjoying yourself?
Brooke
I wouldn't recommend it, but it's not prison. And so he ends up coming down. He does come bail me out at this point, I need to be in an arraignment in four hours at an undisclosed city in New England. And my family is preparing to get in their car at another undisclosed city eight hours away and drive to me for my college graduation. My grandmother has flown in from the southwest. I am her first grandchild to graduate from college. My best friend is riding up with my family for this. I plan to just handle it, get through the weekend, not ruin graduation, and then tell them later.
Dan Rather
Right?
Brooke
And I go in for the arraignment and I quickly realize I'm not going to be able to handle this easily because the judge asked me if I want a court appointed attorney or a private attorney. And I just blank. And I say, well, can I let you know I have no idea what to do. It's quickly becoming obvious that I am not equipped for this situation.
Dan Rather
It's more serious than you're thinking at this point?
Brooke
Yes. It's quickly becoming very obvious that it's more than it seemed like at 2am and so I leave the courthouse and I realize I need to call someone, but I don't know anyone that's pre law. I don't know any lawyers. So I think, who's the smartest person I know that could like, maybe help? So I call my cousin who's in med school, which does not translate to the situation, but he does tell me exactly what I need to hear, which is, why did you call me? You need to call your dad. So I called my dad and told him what had happened. And I have never heard him laugh harder in my entire life.
Dan Rather
You weren't a troublemaker, I'm assuming it's not like the 80th call he's received.
Brooke
The first one, yeah.
Dan Rather
Okay, great. You earned a laughing.
Brooke
I don't really know if he was laughing because he didn't believe me because it was just so absurd and out of character.
Dan Rather
Did you know already that they were trying to link you to this serial arson? Was that known to you at this time or did that come out later?
Brooke
I had a little bit of an idea about it because the arresting officer made a mention of it.
Dan Rather
So when you told your dad, you were able to say, hey, they think I'm this arsonist, but this was a one off. I was just lighting some books on fire.
Brooke
Yeah, it was just a comedy of errors. The simulation was not in my favor that day.
Dan Rather
Yeah, sometimes it doesn't go our way. It's a bad sim.
Brooke
Yeah, I mean, it was definitely in the wrong on that. But I had a little bit of an inkling because the arresting officer made a comment about it. So he kind of clued me in that there was a series of arsons that had been happening. And my response to that was, I have put out more fires on this campus than I have started, which is true.
Dan Rather
This is a wild college. It's tiny, but it's wild. Yeah, a lot of pyros.
Brooke
I'm only one of many, and not even the biggest one.
Dan Rather
Yeah, yeah.
Brooke
So they've been clued in. They're on their way to me. I get back to campus, I'm in the dean of students office, where I then get filled in completely on the arson situation. And I have completely convinced the dean of students that I am not this arsonist. It is just a different, unconnected arson. The flames weren't even singing the gazebo. Like, there was no marking anywhere. My dad went back the next day to take pictures. But she suspends me for a semester and she withholds my diploma. And she doesn't want to let me walk at graduation the next day because she wants to send a message that they don't take kindly to arson. Which I cannot falter for that message. But I'm also dealing with two felony charges on top of now this academic suspension and potential to not walk. So I beg her, like, my grandmother just flew in from the Southwest. She is actively driving to me right now. She hasn't seen any grandchildren graduate yet. Like, give me an empty piece of paper, I do not care, but please let me graduate. And she agrees to that. She still suspends me. The diploma is still withheld, but she lets me walk. But my family thought it was the funniest thing ever. My grandmother, the entire weekend was like moving Candles away from me at restaurants.
Dan Rather
Yeah. This is the product of being a really good girl your whole life is. Everyone can have a good sense of humor about it. They're probably happy you got into trouble a little bit.
Brooke
Well, this is their favorite story to tell. I actually was a little bit nervous about telling it just because I never am the one that tells it. They are telling it about me.
Dan Rather
Sure.
Brooke
Just as an update for the charges, they actually ended up dropping the arson charge altogether. They changed the destruction of property charge to under 250, which is a misdemeanor. I had to go to court appointed therapy. They had actually recommended Firestarters Anonymous, but that is typically for children.
Dan Rather
Oh, is it really?
Monica Padman
That's a thing?
Brooke
Yeah. Not a great fit for what happened with me. Typically, if you are going to that program, you've been starting fires for quite a long time. But the therapist also thought this was very funny. She laughed at me when I told her the whole story. However, I will say it gave me a very new perspective on how quickly something that felt very stupid or silly could derail your entire life. A lot of gratitude for the fact that it did turn out so well for me because it could have been very different for someone else in a different situation or even me if someone had had a different opinion.
Dan Rather
We interviewed a kid that, like, I want to say, he opened up a fire hydrant to be funny and it washed out an entire neighborhood above his house. Remember that in Utah?
Brooke
I remember that, yeah.
Dan Rather
Like, kind of innocent, though. Oh, my God. I'm looking at millions of dollars of damage.
Monica Padman
Oh, fuck.
Dan Rather
Did you have to get a lawyer to plead all that out? Did you end up getting a public appointed attorney?
Brooke
So the judge, when I said, can I let you know when he asked if I wanted a court appointed attorney or a private attorney, just gave me a court appointed attorney and was like, you can deal with it. If you don't want him, just fire him later. And my dad did eight hours of research in the car on the way to me and was like, this guy's actually good. He's doing pro bono work. We're going to stick with him. And he was great. So after six months of no issues with the law, it was expunged from my record. So in terms of, like the law, everything is copacetic. But that is not where the story ends.
Dan Rather
Okay.
Brooke
So five years later, my friend, she was at the time a manager of a restaurant. They hired a new employee who had gone to my college after my tenure. And so she said, of course, oh, My best friend went there. She got arrested for burning a gazebo down.
Dan Rather
Which is an exaggeration, but yeah.
Brooke
Yeah, exactly. And that new employee said, oh, they actually replaced all those gazebos with metal gazebos.
Dan Rather
Oh. Because this was calling to the students to burn it down.
Brooke
They couldn't have a round two. They were like, we never caught the arsonist, so we need to make sure this can't get burned down. But then, several years after that, I applied to grad school, and in that application process, they ask if you've been suspended or had, like, an academic blip on your radar. And so I had to click yes. And I attached a document explaining basically what I sent to Emma when I submitted to Armchair Anonymous. Like, this is what happened. And I actually got a call from the admissions counselor a couple weeks later, and he's like, I'm looking at this application here, and I see that you submitted that you were suspended from school, but I'm not seen anywhere on your transcript that that's reflected. And I said, was it the end? So it's not super obvious. There's no gap. It's the last thing that happened. I said, did you read the attached document? And he said, oh, no, I didn't even see that. Let me go look at it now.
Dan Rather
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Brooke
So he opens it while I'm on the phone with him. Then I get the privilege of listening to him live react to the explanation of my arrest for burning books while he reads my application for a master's in library science.
Dan Rather
Library science.
Monica Padman
Oh, that's Simmy. That's.
Brooke
And so add him to the long list of people that was laughing.
Dan Rather
And then. So did you get your master's in library science?
Brooke
Yes, I've been a youth services librarian for about five years.
Dan Rather
We've never interviewed a librarian.
Brooke
No, you should add a librarian armchair Anonymous prompt. We've got some crazy stories because people
Dan Rather
use them as, like, a public resting house. Yeah. You see some wild stuff.
Brooke
They call us the America's Living Room. Like, we're the last free place you can be without the expectation of buying something.
Monica Padman
Yeah, like the Elizabeth's Smart thing that
Brooke
was at the library. You get a lot of heartwarming stories there, too.
Dan Rather
Sure.
Monica Padman
That's a great idea.
Dan Rather
Have you ever caught any lovers?
Brooke
We had a bench at a library I used to work at that we called the Makeout Bench because it was, like, just around a corner so we'd have to just break up like a bunch of teens.
Dan Rather
Okay. Some heavy petting, but nothing too extreme.
Monica Padman
It's an episode of Friends. All these people were making out in front of Ross's book.
Dan Rather
Oh, that's sweet.
Monica Padman
But he didn't like it. He wanted people to see the book.
Dan Rather
Oh, okay. Well, they covered everything in that show. They really did. And I've really come to realize. Okay, well, Brooke, so nice meeting you. And it is such a sweet story as far as people getting arrested and almost not graduating. It's about as sweet as it can come.
Brooke
I mean, it would not have been as sweet if my family was not as fantastic as they are. My grandma set the tone. She was just like, this is gonna be funny.
Monica Padman
Good for her.
Dan Rather
Well, it's so nice meeting you.
Brooke
Yeah, you guys too. Thanks so much.
Dan Rather
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Monica Padman
Ding ding ding.
Dan Rather
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Monica Padman
Yeah. You're like, I'm sleeping forever.
Dan Rather
That thing works. The sleep quiz? It works.
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Dan Rather
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Monica Padman
Hi.
Dan Rather
Hello. Is this Lauren?
Lauren
Yes. So nice to meet y'. All.
Dan Rather
Yeah, nice to meet you. First of all, I just want to say we know there are photos coming, which is very exciting. We don't get to flip them over yet, but anytime there's photos, we're excited. And then. Are you in the south or just from the South?
Lauren
I'm actually from Dallas, Texas, but I am currently living in Greenville, South Carolina.
Monica Padman
Nice.
Lauren
Kind of close to you, Monica.
Monica Padman
Yeah, not far.
Dan Rather
And are you loving Greenville, South Carolina, Carolina. Why'd you move there? For a lover?
Lauren
My husband is from here.
Dan Rather
Those South Carolina gentlemen, they can be real charming. They got a real molasses accent.
Monica Padman
What is it called? Chivalrous.
Dan Rather
Does he ever Dual men on the corner?
Lauren
He hasn't yet, but, I mean, there's always time.
Dan Rather
Okay, great. So you've got a wild card story.
Lauren
I do. It doesn't take place in the south, unfortunately. It takes place in Washington, D.C. which is where I was after college, where I moved post grad. So back in 2021, I had just moved there. I was young. I was living my life on my own for the time. Which also plays into the story. I had just moved out there, and I had a friend that was going to come visit me. We went out, we got dinner, and then, you know, we went dancing, and it was great. And we stayed up late. It was really fun. So then the next morning, I woke up, and I'm like, allison, like, I am not feeling well. So I had gotten a blister on the back of my foot a week earlier from tennis shoes, not even from heels. And I was like, my blister kind of feels weird. And she's like, that's so funny. I was like, okay, but I'm here to show you the DC experience. So we go do all the monuments.
Dan Rather
Do you put a band aid over the blister? Do you wear two pairs of socks? How are you addressing walking around with the blister?
Lauren
I had actually worn boots because it was also November, which I had forgotten to mention, and my foot had actually swollen a little bit, and so it wouldn't fit into my boots. And so I had to go and change into my Birkenstocks back at home.
Monica Padman
That are open in the back.
Lauren
Yes. And so I walked around D.C. probably. I think it was a whole half marathon over 13 miles at that point. Not feeling great. But, you know, it is what it is.
Dan Rather
Oh, no.
Lauren
Yeah. So we go to dinner that night I'm really not feeling great. And she's like, okay, we'll take you to an urgent care tomorrow morning, and we'll get you some antibiotics. And I'm like, great. So the next morning, we wake up, we go, and the doctor sees me, and he's like, you've got a little bit of an infection. Let's get you some oral antibiotics.
Dan Rather
He looks at the heel.
Lauren
Yes. And at this point, it's like a little red. It's not too bad. In his defense, in everyone's defense, I want to make that very clear.
Monica Padman
What did it feel like? Did it feel different than just like, when you have a normal blister and it hurts a lot? Did it feel like different?
Lauren
Yes, it felt different, and it also felt hot. I want to treat my friend to a good time. So then we continue on with our touristy. We walking around. It's great time. I send her on her way. Sunday afternoon. Next morning, I have to walk to work because I don't have a car in D.C. most people don't have cars. And walking to work, that was a tough one. It was pretty swollen. I had the mules where I could slide my foot into it. But. But also, it's November, so I'm freezing. I get to work, and I'm like, guys, look at this blister. It's crazy. And they're like, yeah, this looks really, really bad. You should probably go to the doctor. And I'm like, no, I've already been. I'm on oral antibiotics. It's fine. And this older coworker of mine takes one look at it, and she's like, if you don't go to the doctor right now, like, I'm going to be really mad. And I was like, but I don't want to pay to go to the emergency room, because, remember, I don't have a car, and I was making no money. I didn't want to pay for an Uber. And she's like, if you don't go right now, I'm going to call an ambulance and make you pay for the ambulance. I was, well, I don't want to pay for an ambulance. So fine.
Monica Padman
She's really laying down the wall.
Dan Rather
She got stern.
Lauren
Looking back, I really am appreciative. So I go. And I don't know if you guys have ever been to a emergency room waiting room in Washington, D.C. no, but
Dan Rather
we watch the pit, so I guess I'm. I'm. I have some sense of what it probably is like.
Lauren
So it's very similar. The chaos Seeing every single type of injury. I saw stab wounds. I saw multiple unauthorized evacuations.
Dan Rather
Oh, wow.
Lauren
Keep in mind, I'm 22, from the south in D.C. like this a lot for me. I'm thinking that this is not that big of a deal. I'm actually supposed to go on a first date the next day, and I'm texting this guy, like, hey, I'm in the ER right now. But, like, this is not a big deal. And he's like, do you need me to come? And the problem was that I told the nurse that this was like a level 2 or 3 on the pain scale. That meant that the stab wounds were going to get seen before me. Which, to be fair, that makes sense. So I go on 13 hours and they're still not seeing me. I got there at probably 2 and like. Like 3am comes around. I'm still not getting seen by anyone. So I'm going to go home. Like, this is crazy. At this point, the red has spread. The red has gone up my leg, past my knee.
Dan Rather
Oh, my God.
Lauren
My entire leg is quite inflamed at this point.
Dan Rather
Oh.
Lauren
So I'm like, I think I need to go get some stronger antibiotics. And I go back to the same urgent care guy, and he's like, you need to go to a podiatrist. This is bad. So I Uber back to the podiatrist. I've spent so much money on Ubers, at this point, I'm making no money. So this is is really big deal for me. I go back to the podiatrist. She takes one look at my leg. She's like, if you don't go to the emergency room right now, you're going to lose this leg.
Michelle
Oh.
Dan Rather
Oh, my God.
Lauren
Keep in mind, this is from a blister. Yeah. I'm like, this is crazy. I was just there. It was 13 hours and they didn't see me. And so she's saying, okay, I'll give them a call and make sure that they see you. But there is no if, ands, or buts. You've got to go to the emergency room. Luckily, it's a whole medical district in D.C. so I just walked across the street. Thank goodness. Because I get there and they still don't see me. So it takes a couple of more hours. So I'm on hour five at this point, emergency room again. My body starts to, like, shake.
Monica Padman
It is sepsis.
Lauren
It was exactly that. So shutting down. I go up to the nurse. I'm like, hey, would it be possible for you to Take my temperature. I think something's wrong. I might have a fever. And so she takes it. She's. So it's 103. What's your pain scale right now?
Brooke
And I'm like, you might be at
Lauren
an 8 or a 9. She's like, have you ever been at a 10? I'm like, no, I don't think so, because nothing bad has ever happened in my life. I've never gotten a bad injury.
Dan Rather
This is why you're so optimistic about this whole thing.
Lauren
Exactly. She's like, so I think that this is your 10. I do believe that you have sepsis and your body is shutting down. She's like, we're gonna admit you right now, because if we don't, something bad is going to happen. I find out later that bad thing is, in fact, death. Like, I would have died because it was in my bloodstream at that point. They put me on morphine, and this is when I really find out that it's bad because the morphine didn't stop my shaking. So you finally get me on IV antibiotics, and my body, funnily enough, is allergic to this.
Dan Rather
This is an episode of House Truly.
Lauren
So I get this thing, it's called Red Man Syndrome. I think they've renamed it now because of, you know, it's bad. It's past my knee, my leg is red, and my body's now matched that redness. And they're like, okay, so now we have to flush this antibiotic because obviously your body is having an allergic reaction to which they get really freaked out about, because so much time has passed now. Like, the 13 hours, the five hours, the overnight, it's completely in my bloodstream. And so basically, they get me back on a different antibiotic at this point. Apparently, it was just in time where it didn't go into my bone. They were going to have to chip away my bone because they thought that it was in that. But luckily they caught it right before that. And so they finally, at that point, are like, okay, we'll admit you into the hospital. And I'm like, okay, well, what's the hospital going to do for me? And they're like, well, we have to let the infection get through your bloodstream enough to where it can basically, like, coagulate into, like, a little ball to where they can carve it out.
Monica Padman
Yeah. This is so gnarly. Oh, my God.
Lauren
This is where the pictures come in. So if you want to see the picture.
Dan Rather
I'm so scared. I'm very scared. Oh, my.
Lauren
So there's Like a little progression.
Monica Padman
Oh, my God.
Dan Rather
It looks like you have an eggplant hanging off the back of your.
Monica Padman
This is. This is not a blizzard. I don't know how to describe this.
Dan Rather
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. Do they lance it?
Lauren
It took five days in the hospital. Basically, they just had to let the infection get through to that point. And then they just carved it out. Like, they scooped it out. The surgery only took 30 minutes. I called it my alien. Like, it looked like a little alien on the back of my foot.
Monica Padman
Yeah.
Lauren
I wish that the listeners could see the photo.
Dan Rather
It's foul. It's blue, it's red.
Monica Padman
Way worse than you're thinking in your head, Lys.
Dan Rather
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It' really bad. It looks like a really poisonous avocado hanging. Wow. Any damage to your Achilles? Your Achilles is right there, right?
Lauren
No damage.
Dan Rather
Still positive. Still positive.
Lauren
No, seriously, like, it really was the best case scenario. And so. Well, the other thing that I was going to say is that during that whole experience, I mean, I became really good friends with the nurses. I'm on this internal unit, and I'm the healthiest person there. Yes, I was close to death, but, like, I became friends with all the nurses, and I remember one of them said, oh, like, are you missing anything? And I was like, well, you know, that date kind of tough, but, you know, not like anything's ever going to come from it. Or maybe we'll just reschedule it. We did end up rescheduling it, and then we did end up a year later, getting engaged.
Dan Rather
And this is the Southern gentleman from South Carolina.
Lauren
This is the Southern gentleman from South Carolina.
Monica Padman
I knew he was a good one when he offered to come to the hospital that first first day and hadn't even gone on a date yet.
Dan Rather
Did he come see you in the hospital? No.
Lauren
No. And that was for the best.
Dan Rather
Oh, yeah. I was gonna say, if he showed up and you had that thing hanging off your ankle, he's still stuck with you. I would say that's as about as good of a sign as you're gonna get.
Monica Padman
Wow.
Lauren
He did ask to see pictures later, and I was like, I don't know if that's good for our beginning of our relationship.
Dan Rather
I hope your visiting friend felt very guilty.
Michelle
Well, it's not horrible.
Lauren
No, it's funny. I texted her that I was coming on this, and I was like, hey, is it okay if I use your name? She. She's like, no, people need to hear the story. This is like an ad for Neosporin.
Dan Rather
Yeah.
Monica Padman
Cautionary it is cautionary tell you gotta clean these wounds.
Dan Rather
You do. I feel like it was directed at me in particular, which is like, I do not take anything serious until it's really.
Lauren
Me neither. So this is my cautionary tale to you, that sometimes things are as bad as people warn them to be.
Dan Rather
Okay, Sometimes the worry warts are correct.
Monica Padman
That's right. Most of the time, we are. That person you work with saved your life. Yeah.
Michelle
She saved your life.
Lauren
I know. Shout out. Natalie.
Monica Padman
Well, that was Lauren.
Dan Rather
It was gruesome and I loved it.
Monica Padman
Yeah.
Dan Rather
Yeah. Thank you.
Lauren
It was so nice meeting you guys. Thank you for taking the time. And shout out to my husband, Will.
Dan Rather
Will. What up? Good lad. Way to hang in there.
Lauren
Yes.
Dan Rather
All right.
Lauren
All right. Thank you all so much.
Dan Rather
Bye. Bye.
Monica Padman
Hi.
Dan Rather
So what name do you want to go by?
Sarah
You can give me a name.
Dan Rather
I'm gonna go Sarah.
Monica Padman
I like that.
Sarah
Sounds great. I know a lot of good Sarahs.
Dan Rather
Sarah's a pretty solid name. I mean, there's gotta be a science to it, really. Like, the kind of name that appeals to parents are going to be certain kinds of parents. Like, if you name your son J, you're a type we've already selected.
Monica Padman
That's right.
Dan Rather
But Sarah's like. I think you love Sarah's smile.
Lauren
Oh.
Dan Rather
You know, you like some soft rock.
Sarah
It's just classic.
Monica Padman
You can let the person become the name.
Dan Rather
Yeah. Sarah Lawrence. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Sarah, can you tell us where you're at?
Sarah
Yes, I'm in Pittsburgh.
Dan Rather
Oh, wonderful.
Monica Padman
We were just talking about the pit.
Sarah
Oh, yes. It's so good.
Monica Padman
I love it. It's so hot.
Dan Rather
Have you ever been in that hospital?
Sarah
I don't know if it's a fictional hospital, but I've been in that. That area of the city, so I recognize a lot of the exterior shots. So it's pretty authentic.
Dan Rather
And for the folks who've not visited Pittsburgh, some of the most beautiful bridges in the country.
Sarah
That's right. And if you ever have a chance to come, go to a baseball game, it's one of the most beautiful stadiums. You get to look right over the river, see all the bridges. If the ball gets hit far enough, it goes into the water. It's really beautiful.
Monica Padman
That's fun.
Dan Rather
Okay, so you have a wild card. Stories. This could be absolutely anything.
Sarah
This story took place last year. My husband and I got married just over a year ago.
Dan Rather
Congratulations.
Sarah
This occurred about three months into our marriage when we were still, like, very much in that newlywed phase.
Dan Rather
How long had you dated before you
Sarah
wed Maybe a year and a half.
Lauren
Okay.
Dan Rather
Pretty quick, pretty accelerated.
Sarah
We're both a little bit older, and so we just kind of knew it was a great fit and we were in love. And let's do it. When we got married, I moved into his townhouse. And his townhouse is three floors, you know, kind of narrow. And my husband is a wonderful guy. He's a special education teacher. He's very funny and sweet and patient. And he's also kind of like a techie. He loves gadgets. So if there's like a single use kitchen item that he can purchase, he will purchase it. And he had four different Alexas through the house. The Alexas have an announcement feature. So I would use it for something like, I'm in the kitchen, he's on the top floor. I'd say, you know, hey, Alexa, make an announcement. Dinner is ready. And then it would go, ding, ding, Dinner is ready.
Dan Rather
It works as, like a PA system.
Brooke
Yes.
Sarah
So that's how I used the PA system. My husband used it a very different way from the beginning of our marriage. I work from home, and if he came home and was ready for sexy time, he would use the PA to make that known throughout the home.
Dan Rather
Okay. He'd make a proclamation.
Sarah
Yeah. Like flirting. And so on this particular day, I'm working from home. I hear the door closed, and then I hear, like, the ding, ding. And he immediately is going into it. And I would like to say that there were a range of announcements for maybe like 15 minutes. Cause, you know, he's coming in, he's making a sandwich, he's taking his work clothes off, you know, all this stuff, and I'm still in my office working. They were a range of more of like, this dirty talk. I am not good at dirty talk. Okay. The deep voice of, like, I'm gonna stick this in this place. I'm gonna touch you like this.
Dan Rather
Very graphic. Where did it start? Give me one example of how it started. Does it start, like, you know, announcement, hi, baby, I'm home. Like, where does it start?
Sarah
Get texted through the day.
Dan Rather
This is a hot relationship. I'm hot.
Monica Padman
Everyone's getting, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sarah
So, I mean, one of the first, you know, I'm going to lick you from head to foot.
Monica Padman
Oh, hot.
Sarah
But it was also kind of silly. He has silly ones because he's a very silly person. Where it'd be like, ding, ding. And be like, my wife has a beautiful ass. And I'm so excited to see this song.
Dan Rather
Sure, sure, yeah, yeah. I like. We are supported by Klarna here's something nobody tells you when you become an adult, paying for things gets weirdly complicated. Like nobody sat you down and explained how to actually manage cash flow when life doesn't line up perfectly with your paycheck. If you've ever wanted more flexibility in how to pay without the stress or confusion of traditional credit, this is worth knowing about. Klarna lets you pay now, pay later, or pay over time. And the whole thing is built around transparency. You see exactly what you owe and when. No hidden fees, no mystery math. It's about flexibility that fits real life, giving you options for how and when you pay without surprises. It works across all kinds of purchases. Things like groceries, travel, tech, and everything is managed in one place in the app so you're not juggling a bunch of different accounts. And get this, you can also unlock cash back in deals just by shopping through Klarna, which is honestly a nice bonus when you're already buying something anyway. The whole point is to give you opt and keep you in control of your budget without the pressure. Download the Klarna app today or visit klarna.com to learn more. That's klarna k l-a r n a.com CA resident loans made or arranged pursuant to a California Finance Law License NMLS Number 1353190 Klarna Balance Account required to be eligible for cash back points Limitations, terms and conditions apply. Apply. We are supported by ProtonMail. You know how your email address ends up becoming the key to basically your whole digital life? It's tied to your bank accounts, your travel, your shopping, your pictures with your family and kids. Almost everything. And most of us have had that same email for years, sometimes decades. It's basically the backbone of your online identity. Here's what bothered me when I found out a lot of email services were built to collect data, not protecting protect it. That's why ProtonMail exists. Proton was created by scientists who wanted to build a better Internet, one where privacy is the default, not an afterthought. With ProtonMail, your emails are encrypted, end to end, so not even Proton can read them. No ads, no tracking, just your inbox. Private. And what really got me is what they're doing next. Proton has a campaign called Born Private, the idea that kids shouldn't be tracked from the moment they first go online. Because right now, the second a child gets an email address, the data collection starts. Proton wants to change. Change that. You can sign up for free or reserve an email account for your child. So they're protected from day one. If you care about your own privacy or your families, this is worth looking into. Learn more@proton me dax protonmail privacy by default. We are supported by Kodiak. I'm always looking for breakfast options. You know this, Monica.
Monica Padman
Yes.
Dan Rather
I need them that are actually quick but don't make me feel like garbage an hour later. And that's why I keep Kodiak frozen waffles and pancakes stocked in my freezer. Here's what I love about them. They're packed with 12 to 14 grams of protein per serving and they're made with 100% whole grains and they're a good source of fiber. So you're actually getting something that fuels you. Not just empty calories. They've got tons of flavors. Buttermilk and vanilla, blueberry chocolate chip. Even gluten free. Ding, ding, ding. And they've got something for everyone. Power waffles, thick and fluffy waffles, frozen pancakes and even breakfast sandwiches. Literally just heat and eat. I mean, I'm all over those gluten free options.
Monica Padman
Really delicious.
Dan Rather
Absolutely. And then just the bang for the buck on the protein cannot be beat. You can find Kodiak power waffles and buttermilk power flapjacks in the freezer aisle at your local grocery store. It's comfort food with purpose.
Sarah
After 10, 15 minutes of that dirty talk, we eventually do the things that we've been discussing and then we're both sitting in the living room, like sitting on the couches and his phone own dings. And it's a text from his cousin.
Monica Padman
Oh, boy.
Sarah
Who says, hey, my parents just called and said that they heard your voice throughout their home saying the most nasty thing and there is no way that your wife would be okay with you doing this. Like, what the hell is going on?
Dan Rather
Oh, how on earth.
Sarah
It turns out that my wonderful husband, who is very kind, is also the techie of his family. So when anybody in the family, an older relative, wanted their own Alexa, they would call him and say, hey, could you set this up for me? So basically, without being aware, he had created a network of Alexas in his aunt and uncle's home and his parents home.
Dan Rather
Oh, no.
Sarah
And his school classroom.
Dan Rather
No.
Sarah
Yes. Was quite terrifying.
Dan Rather
Oh, this is life ending and career ending all at once.
Sarah
Yes. What I don't understand still to this day is he had made those type of announcements for like the three months that we had been married. So why was it now that we were being actually told about this when it had clearly been playing everywhere?
Dan Rather
Because they're old and confused. They don't know what's going on. And it finally got too extreme.
Sarah
I made him go and immediately disconnect. I was like, I don't care if you're embarrassed. You are going to go to their home right now. You're going to drive over there and you're going to disconnect their Alexa's and then you're going to go around to every other relative that has also had this happening and you are going to do this. But like, he was not embarrassed.
Monica Padman
Oh, wow.
Sarah
To this day I asked him. I was like, I'm going to be an armchair anonymous. Like, do you have anything you want to add because you can't be there. And he was, was like, I'm not embarrassed.
Michelle
I was getting it and I was
Sarah
getting it with my wife.
Lauren
I don't care who knows.
Monica Padman
Good for him. I kind of agree.
Dan Rather
Take care of my mother and my father here.
Sarah
Ah, maybe they weren't home maybe for three months. Yeah, they weren't home.
Dan Rather
If I were you, I would have just thought of the very worst thing that was said and then that would just play on a loop in my head and then I'd probably move to the second like, oh my God. And then they heard that. Were you caught in that loop?
Sarah
It was so bad that I knew if I wanted to stay a part of this family, I was going to need to get over this very quickly and also try to control the narrative. So, like, what I ended up doing was the first family gathering after this incident was like two days later. I immediately, I went up to like so many groups. Like, did you hear what my husband did with the Alexa? Like, did you hear about that? How crazy is that? And I just went face on.
Monica Padman
Okay. You owned it.
Sarah
His family is really sweet. Like, they're a wonderful Pittsburgh family. They were great. And they were like, you know what? We wish that we had this in our marriage.
Brooke
Or like, this is what we wish
Sarah
that we were doing. Like, good for you guys. Yeah. So they were sweet and really understanding. The only saving grace for myself was that I never responded to him with any of those messages. Like, I never gave it back that way. And so I felt like I at least did something and expose myself.
Dan Rather
Yes, there is a glass half full here. That's a lot to be grateful for.
Monica Padman
Were they implying that it wasn't you because they said you would never.
Sarah
It was more like they never thought my husband would intentionally do these things. But was he like just that little question, you know, like, does he Know that this is being broadcast.
Dan Rather
Like, was he fucking with us?
Monica Padman
That's tough.
Dan Rather
And then luckily, I guess everyone was always out of the classroom when he was out of the classroom, because that would be a real tough one.
Brooke
Yeah.
Sarah
I'm so glad that like no Janet, Senator or other after hours person overheard this. So he also immediately had to disconnect them.
Dan Rather
Oh, my God.
Sarah
So we moved recently and none of the Alexas made it during the move. I made sure of that.
Monica Padman
Wow, that is funny.
Dan Rather
Yeah, That's a tall price to pay to have an intercom system.
Monica Padman
Sure.
Dan Rather
I often think, God, I wish we had an intercom system. In fact, I just bought a cheap version of it. No one adopted to it. So now we just scream. We scream at the top of our lunch.
Lauren
Yeah.
Sarah
The thing that got me is I asked him, like, how are you, techie? And I didn't know that all of these were connected. And he was like, well, you know, actually at one point I did know because I intentionally made sure they were connected. And what he would do is he would make an announcement and like fart at the Alexa and then it would play the fart in all of his family's home.
Monica Padman
Oh, he's a rascal.
Dan Rather
His name? Rob Hollis. Are you married?
Monica Padman
Rob doesn't fart. We learned.
Dan Rather
Well, he might over the intercom. That might be how he gets it out.
Sarah
Sure.
Dan Rather
That tops for me the embarrassment level of what Aaron did on the Zoom meeting and aa. So that's pretty mega.
Sarah
Well, I'm glad I could share it with you. It at least got me here.
Monica Padman
Thanks for chatting with us.
Dan Rather
Yeah. Lovely meeting you. And please thank your husband because obviously
Monica Padman
without his go getter attitude, I guess
Dan Rather
that's what we could call it.
Sarah
Yeah, sure, I will let him know.
Dan Rather
All right, take care.
Michelle
Bye.
Lauren
Bye.
Monica Padman
Hi, Michelle.
Michelle
Hi.
Dan Rather
Oh, wonderful. We can hear you beautifully. Have you hung a sheet behind yourself?
Michelle
It's a large blanket and I feel like I look like I'm in like a hostage video.
Dan Rather
Well, I was just thinking if we wanted to change out your wardrobe and your background, it'd be easy to do because we're almost at that green that we use.
Michelle
You can tell what my favorite color is?
Monica Padman
Green's a great favorite color. Geniuses.
Dan Rather
That's what they say. Do you know different shades of green? I mean, I only know a couple. Are you an aficionado?
Michelle
No, I do.
Monica Padman
Kelly Sage, Emerald forest, Seafoam, Sea foam. Sea foam. Good one.
Dan Rather
British Rain, Racing green.
Monica Padman
There's a lot.
Dan Rather
And where are you, Michelle?
Michelle
I'm currently in northeastern Pennsylvania. But I am from eastern North Carolina, close to the water, right on the Intercoastal waterway.
Dan Rather
Oh, no kidding. Okay, so you have a wild card story. Please lay it out for us.
Michelle
The prompt I put on there was tell us a crazy ATV story.
Dan Rather
My kind of story.
Michelle
I'll just give you a little bit of background. I'm the youngest of five kids and the only girl. Growing up with four older brothers was fun, but we kind of got into a little bit of craziness and probably did some stupid things also. This took place where I grew up in eastern North Carolina. It was in 2005. I was 14, freshman in high school. It was a rainy Saturday in October. My family was all kind of doing our own thing. My oldest brother Jeff was 21 at the time. He was away at college. My second oldest brother, Doug was 19. He was upstairs asleep like well beyond noon. Comes into the story a little bit later. My brother Greg, he was 17, he was taking the SATs that morning. And then my youngest brother Curtis is just a year older than me, so he was 15. And him and his best friend Brett were just kind of hanging around the house. And then my parents had actually just left to drive to Durham to go to a Rolling Stones concert.
Dan Rather
Oh, this is brave of them. And I got to ask because again, in my experience, this was the case. Did they Crazier and crazier in descending order, your brothers?
Michelle
No, actually, I think we kind of go the opposite. My oldest brother did the dumbest shit.
Dan Rather
Okay, okay. He was a cautionary tale.
Michelle
Yeah. So when I told my family that I was doing this, he said, we probably have a lot of stories we could submit. But in talking to my family before doing this, my dad said he recalls saying, probably mostly to my 15 year old brother, don't do anything that you wouldn't do if we were here. So naturally, not even an hour after my parents left, Curtis and his friend Brett decided that it would be a good idea to take a boating tube and tie it to the back of the four wheeler and pull each other around in the wet grass.
Dan Rather
Okay, great idea. I stand by this plan. It's a good one.
Michelle
The picture that I sent, it's not a juicy picture, but it just kind of lays out the area in our backyard that we called the lower field.
Dan Rather
Oh God, you're right on the water. How beautiful. Yeah, it's a big chunk of lawn. I mean, that's gotta be a good acre of just flat grass right there.
Michelle
Nice open area to pull each other around in the Wet grass. And they were out there doing that for a little while, just taking turns pulling each other around. And as I remember it, my brother came inside and said, this is so much fun. You gotta come try it. And talking to him, he said that I came outside as they were about to wrap things up and wanted a turn.
Dan Rather
So everyone's pointing the finger at one another, am I right? These things generally have a really predictable curve, which is like you do the initial idea and that's quite fun for a minute. And then the dopamine dissipates and you start thinking how we're going to ramp this up a little bit. Certainly putting you on back would be a ramp up of that.
Michelle
Yeah. And him and his friend were a fair amount heavier than me, so they probably weren't swinging around quite as much as I was. But I got on. And this part of the story I kind of had to get from Curtis from his point of view, but pulled me up and down the field a couple times. And then he was at the end of the field, like near the water, facing towards the house. And he thought, I'll just do one last fast go towards the house. And I think I've heard you say before, Dax, that you never do one last lap or one last ride.
Dan Rather
No, last run. Someone says last run, Pack it in. Right then, it's already been jinxed.
Michelle
He was straight facing towards the house. The tube was kind of off to the right side and he accelerated pretty fast and I slung out to the left and we actually had a boat and a boat trailer parked down in the yard there. So he was looking back at me, realized that the boat trailer was there and slammed on the brakes. But I kept swinging out to the left and I didn't jump off. I was on my stomach holding onto the tube and I just stayed on and I slung right into the front of the boat trailer. O head first, the whole left side of my body.
Dan Rather
Oh, oh, oh, no, no, no.
Michelle
He immediately jumps off, the tube is popped. I'm unconscious. He's yelling to Brett to go inside and call 91 1.
Monica Padman
Oh, no.
Dan Rather
Well, hold on. We've learned a lot about your brother in this moment, which is he's a man of integrity. Most young men at that point are going to try to ride this out without getting in trouble. We're going to figure out like he's unconscious. Well, he's not quite there. He's already yelling like his instinct is to get help, which is incredible. I think for a 15 year old
Michelle
boy, he thought he killed Me?
Monica Padman
Yeah.
Dan Rather
Okay, okay, okay.
Monica Padman
She's non responsive.
Dan Rather
Oh, boy.
Michelle
There was like a gurgling sound coming from my chest.
Dan Rather
Oh.
Michelle
He said he did what he probably shouldn't have done and was shaking me to wake me up. He said it felt like forever but was probably like 10 seconds and I woke up crying. Eventually helped me back up to the house. And older brother, 19 year old, is still upstairs asleep. So they go wake him up, get
Dan Rather
an adult on the scene.
Michelle
Not too long after, Greg, who had been taking the SATs, walks into the kitchen to find me sitting in the chair freaking out, asking if I was gonna die. I don't wanna die. Is my heart bleeding? Every time I breathed, I had this gurgling in my chest that was happening at some point. Somebody called my parents. I don't know which brother did that, but they were probably 45 minutes away.
Dan Rather
Boy, it went to hell in a hurry, right? The parents are like, Jesus Christ. I barely got out of the driveway, you idiots.
Michelle
My dad made a big U turn and sped back pretty quickly to meet us at the hospital. So the ambulance arrived. I don't remember a ton about the ambulance ride except for one very specific thought process I went through about what to do with the gum I had in my mouth.
Monica Padman
Oh, it stayed in there somehow.
Michelle
I didn't choke on my gut. I was like storing it on the roof of my mouth, I guess. I had been chewing gum before the accident.
Monica Padman
Wow.
Michelle
I was laying in the ambulance and just thinking like, I shouldn't keep chewing this and I definitely shouldn't swallow it because there's something like happening in there. So I looked at the paramedic and just said, will you take my gum? And stuck my tongue out. He kindly took the gum and threw it away for me and kind of chuckled at me.
Dan Rather
Well, having interviewed quite a few paramedics at this point, that's like the nicest job they've probably had all year.
Monica Padman
Yeah, they're lucky to do that.
Michelle
Eventually make it to the hospital. My parents are able to meet us there. Went through the whole workup and my main injury was hemopneumothorax, which is essentially a collapsed lung with blood and air in between the lung and the chest wall. I got a chest tube placed.
Dan Rather
Did you break any ribs?
Michelle
I didn't. I was 14. I think I was still pretty like bendy. So somehow I didn't break any ribs. Just the blunt force caused the lung to pop, essentially.
Dan Rather
Do they have to inflate it? Do they blow it back up?
Michelle
No. So the chest tube Goes in. In between your ribs and. And then it's attached to a negative pressure suction. And so it takes the air and everything out of the pleural space so the lung can re inflate.
Dan Rather
Uh huh. And you're obviously a doctor or a nurse.
Monica Padman
Yeah, yeah.
Dan Rather
Even the fact that you said workup. Soon as you said workup, I'm like, oh, she works at a hospital.
Monica Padman
Even when she said hemopneumothorax, she said it too. Well, yeah, yeah, yeah. She nailed it.
Michelle
I'm an orthopedic surgery resident.
Dan Rather
Whoa. There we go.
Monica Padman
Is it because of this? A meet cute kind of?
Lauren
No
Dan Rather
meet cute with career?
Michelle
That was my main injury. And the only other thing I had was a cut to my arm.
Dan Rather
You got lucky it wasn't head first.
Monica Padman
I know. Or that your head didn't bang really hard and you got cte.
Michelle
You're very afraid of cte.
Dan Rather
Her number one fear.
Monica Padman
Yeah.
Dan Rather
Tied with mice in her water.
Monica Padman
Ah, Rat water bottle.
Michelle
I was at the gym yesterday and I saw one of the girls in my class was looking inside of her metal water bottle as if she, like, saw something. And I was like, oh. Oh, my God. I wonder if there's something in there I got a little concerned for.
Dan Rather
Yeah. We've started a really irrational fear.
Monica Padman
I don't think it's a rational. It's a rational.
Dan Rather
That's an irrational fear.
Monica Padman
Wow. Well, that's scary.
Dan Rather
Did you have to spend the night or did they let you out pretty quick?
Michelle
I had the chest tube for like two and a half days, and then they pulled it out. So I was in the hospital for like three days.
Monica Padman
Your poor parents. They didn't get to see.
Dan Rather
And they missed the Rolling Stones.
Michelle
They did. Yeah.
Dan Rather
Oh. What was the punishment for your brother?
Michelle
He didn't get officially grounded. He did enough punishment of himself. He was pretty traumatized by it. He told me that afterwards he got really bad eczema from all the dress.
Monica Padman
That's sad.
Dan Rather
Quite often you get enough consequence we don't need to pile on.
Monica Padman
Yeah.
Dan Rather
How'd all these brothers turn out? How'd the one do on the sat? Do you do all right?
Michelle
You got into college.
Monica Padman
That's what you want?
Dan Rather
It's the goal.
Lauren
Goal.
Dan Rather
Are either of your parents doctors?
Michelle
My dad's an orthopedic surgeon.
Dan Rather
There we go.
Michelle
I kind of like to say my fun fact is always that I've never broken a bone, only an organ.
Dan Rather
Oh.
Michelle
So kind of ironic that now I fix broken bones.
Monica Padman
Yeah.
Dan Rather
Yes.
Michelle
My husband is actually a trauma Surgeon. And so this story to him is like. Yeah, I see it every day. It's not that exciting.
Monica Padman
He's always trying to bring you down.
Dan Rather
Yeah, he's made. Don't let him make you small. This is a substantial injury for a 14 year old.
Monica Padman
Guys, watch the Pit.
Michelle
He has been watching the Pit. I've seen a couple episodes. I come home from work. It's not very relaxing to watch a show that's basically about work, but I've heard it's very accurate. They've probably placed some chest tubes.
Monica Padman
Oh, yeah, I've seen them. I've seen hemo. No more thoraxes too.
Dan Rather
Hemo. Pneumo. What's the thing they're always saying on 16 minutes? Pneumococcal pneumonia.
Monica Padman
Oh, yeah.
Dan Rather
Hemo, pneumococcal pneumonia.
Monica Padman
Oh, wow.
Dan Rather
I hate when these great laid plans go awry because I don't want anyone to be discouraged to get out there and slide around a T. But I just gotta maybe make sure the area's a little free.
Michelle
Recently, they actually got a large amount of snow in coastal North Carolina. And my brother sent a video pulling my nieces around on a sled.
Dan Rather
Yes, of course.
Michelle
We're still doing it.
Lauren
Don't worry.
Dan Rather
I like this family.
Monica Padman
The eczema really didn't slow him down.
Dan Rather
Well, lovely meeting you.
Lauren
Thank you.
Dan Rather
Michelle.
Michelle
Nice to meet you, too.
Dan Rather
All right. Good luck on your residency.
Michelle
Thank you. Have a good day.
Monica Padman
I'm so impressed by these doctors.
Dan Rather
Yes. Surgeon, no less.
Monica Padman
Yeah, it's a big job.
Dan Rather
Of all the medical professionals, which one do you think you'd be most suited for?
Monica Padman
Oh, that's a good question.
Dan Rather
Family practice. I mean, isn't that a good pick for you?
Monica Padman
Probably. I can't really see myself in.
Dan Rather
In surgery or the er.
Monica Padman
Maybe surgery. I'm pretty meticulous. Okay.
Dan Rather
And you don't mind the open body? Body and all the blood.
Monica Padman
Right. That part's gross.
Dan Rather
Yeah, maybe.
Lauren
Dentist.
Monica Padman
No, people's teeth. That's gnarly. Look, it's not for me.
Dan Rather
Well, it will. Say mine out loud on the 3, 2, 1. Right. 3, 2, 1. Anesthesiologist. Oh, right there. Drugs. I know everything about them.
Monica Padman
I thought you were gonna say surgery because you're good at mechanics. And it is, basically.
Dan Rather
Well, I have been on record saying I can do any surgery.
Monica Padman
Correct.
Dan Rather
If I can see a YouTube video first.
Monica Padman
I was trying to be nice in saying that.
Dan Rather
I just thought it would be such an obvious joke that it would be anesthesiologists and then, of course, they'd be calling me all the time to the room. They'd be like, where is Dr. Shepard?
Monica Padman
Oh, my God. And you're just high, walking around. I'm going to be a fashion doctor.
Dan Rather
Oh, okay. Fashion police slash doctor.
Michelle
Yeah.
Dan Rather
All right. Love you.
Monica Padman
Love you.
Michelle
Do you want to sing a tune or something?
Dan Rather
We know the theme song. Oh, okay, great. We don't have a theme song for this new show, so here I go. Go, go. We're gonna ask some random questions, and with the help of armchairies, we'll get some suggestions on the fire rhyme dish. On the fire rhyme dish. Enjoy. We are supported by All All State. Checking Allstate first could save you hundreds on car insurance. That's smart. Not checking the pockets of your jeans before doing laundry. Classic oversight. That mystery clunking in the dryer. Yeah, that was your lip balm's final moments. And somehow there's always one random receipt in there to dissolve into confetti. Yeah, checking first is smart. So check all state first for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings vary, subject to terms, conditions and availability. Allstate North America Insurance Company Affiliates North Brook Illustration, Illinois.
Podcast Date: March 27, 2026
Hosts: Dan Rather (guest hosting), Monica Padman
This "Wild Card" edition of Armchair Anonymous features four anonymous listener stories ranging from accidental arson to harrowing medical emergency, a tech-fueled marital mishap, and a nearly fatal ATV accident. Dan Rather and Monica Padman react live to these tales, teasing out the humor, humanity, and life-applicable cautionary lessons buried in each one. The episode’s tone is witty, self-deprecating, and empathetic—true to the Armchair Expert tradition.
Brooke (on lesson learned):
"It gave me a very new perspective on how quickly something that felt very stupid or silly could derail your entire life." [14:58]
Lauren (on minimizing her symptoms):
"I do not take anything serious until it's really—Me neither. So this is my cautionary tale to you…" [33:30]
Sarah (on family embarrassment):
“It was so bad that I knew if I wanted to stay a part of this family, I was going to need to get over this very quickly and also try to control the narrative." [44:32]
Michelle (on her unusual claim to fame):
“My fun fact is always that I've never broken a bone, only an organ.” [47:42]
Dan Rather (on misadventure):
“You never do one last lap or one last ride.” [51:50] “He’s a man of integrity. Most young men… are going to try to ride this out without getting in trouble.” [53:03]
This Wild Card episode is a hilarious, slightly cringy (but deeply human) collection of “there but for the grace” stories. The tone is a mix of compassion, levity, and an undercurrent of “oh my god that could have been so much worse.” The hosts connect the dots with their signature warmth and playful teasing, making the listener feel part of an extended, mildly dysfunctional, yet loving family.
For fans of real-life cautionary tales, this episode is a standout reminder: laugh at yourself, heed the warnings, and always ensure your Alexa settings are private.