Bert Kreischer

Summary

Summary of "Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard" Episode Featuring Bert Kreischer

Release Date: April 14, 2025

In this engaging episode of Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard, host Dax Shepard sits down with stand-up comedian Bert Kreischer and comedian/podcaster Monica Padman. The trio delves deep into their personal journeys, the complexities of fame, relationships, and the ups and downs of the entertainment industry. Their candid conversation offers listeners a blend of humor, vulnerability, and insightful reflections on growth and self-improvement.

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1. Navigating Content Creation and Personal Boundaries

Monica Padman opens the discussion by addressing the nuances of podcast punctuality and personal energy management. She shares her preference for arriving slightly late to allow hosts to settle into their space, emphasizing respect for the podcasting environment.

• Monica Padman [02:42]: "I find it rude showing up to a podcast on time... When I say 2:00, it means I'll get there at 2:00."

This sentiment resonates with both Dax and Bert, highlighting the importance of mutual respect and understanding in collaborative creative spaces.

2. The Allure and Challenges of Content Houses

The conversation shifts to the concept of "content houses," spaces where creators live together to produce continuous content. Monica recounts a chaotic experience involving friends, family, and creative projects converging in her home, leading her to eventually move away from this lifestyle.

• Monica Padman [03:15]: "What's that?... They lived in mansions in the hills and they just liked their pool on fire..."

She contrasts this with her more structured approach to content creation, emphasizing the value of a balanced environment over relentless activity.

3. Early Career Struggles and Breakthroughs

Monica shares her tumultuous journey in the entertainment industry, detailing her initial forays into stand-up comedy and her experiences with rejection and self-doubt. She candidly discusses a pivotal moment during her stand-up career where she decided to perform shirtless, a decision that became a signature aspect of her act.

• Monica Padman [11:01]: "I ripped my shirt off. 75 people went nuts. I think I murdered six beers in a row."

This bold move not only revitalized her performance but also set her apart in a crowded comedic landscape.

4. Personal Relationships and Family Dynamics

The trio delves into Monica's personal life, particularly her relationship with her father and the impact of their strained interactions on her self-esteem. Monica recounts a transformative phone call on her 26th birthday, where her father harshly criticizes her, leading her to seek redemption through persistent attempts to secure a stand-up opportunity.

• Monica Padman [29:41]: "I was like, dad, stop. For real, I want to fix this."
• Monica Padman [30:34]: "I went, hey, my name's Bert Kreisler. And he goes, I know who you are."

This narrative underscores the theme of resilience and the drive to overcome familial challenges to pursue one's passion.

5. The Reality of Fame and Its Impact

Dax, Bert, and Monica discuss the often-illusionary nature of fame, sharing anecdotes about sudden celebrity status and its fleeting nature. They explore how fame can both open doors and create unforeseen pressures, emphasizing the importance of authenticity and personal fulfillment over public recognition.

• Bert Kreischer [25:31]: "I met Oliver Stone."
• Monica Padman [40:23]: "I love to have a good time."

Their insights reveal the delicate balance between leveraging fame for career advancement and maintaining personal well-being.

6. Stand-Up Comedy Insights and Industry Realities

The conversation delves into the mechanics of the stand-up comedy circuit, discussing the grueling schedules, financial challenges, and the relentless pursuit of success. Monica shares her strategies for building a successful tour, including audience engagement tactics like the "waitstaff raffle" to enhance ticket sales.

• Monica Padman [20:35]: "The best feeling in the world is gambling."
• Monica Padman [46:03]: "If you want to learn more and get back to feeling like yourself, go to addie.com."

These discussions highlight the entrepreneurial spirit required to thrive in the competitive world of comedy.

7. Personal Growth Through Therapy and Relationships

Monica opens up about her journey through couples therapy, revealing how it has strengthened her relationship with her wife, Leanne. Their humorous yet honest exchanges about therapy sessions showcase the importance of communication and vulnerability in personal relationships.

• Monica Padman [50:36]: "She admitted smoking me a couple times."
• Monica Padman [55:51]: "I have always found shit. You know what I'm doing to promote this special?"

Their dialogue illustrates the balance between personal growth and maintaining strong, supportive partnerships.

8. Humorous Anecdotes and Light-Hearted Banter

Throughout the episode, the trio engages in playful banter and shares amusing stories, keeping the conversation lively and entertaining. From discussions about favorite spices to humorous reflections on past performances, these moments provide levity and showcase their camaraderie.

• Dax Shepard [56:16]: "I'm only 50."
• Bert Kreischer [63:11]: "I feel bad."

These interactions highlight the episode's ability to blend deep conversations with moments of genuine laughter and fun.

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Conclusion

This episode of Armchair Expert offers a heartfelt exploration of the personal and professional lives of comedians Dax Shepard, Bert Kreischer, and Monica Padman. Their honest conversations about overcoming adversity, managing fame, and nurturing relationships provide listeners with valuable insights and relatable stories. Balancing humor with vulnerability, the episode underscores the messy, yet rewarding journey of being human.

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Notable Quotes:

• Monica Padman [02:42]: "I find it rude showing up to a podcast on time... When I say 2:00, it means I'll get there at 2:00."
• Monica Padman [11:01]: "I ripped my shirt off. 75 people went nuts. I think I murdered six beers in a row."
• Monica Padman [29:41]: "I was like, dad, stop. For real, I want to fix this."
• Monica Padman [50:36]: "She admitted smoking me a couple times."

These quotes encapsulate the episode's blend of humor, personal struggle, and triumph, providing listeners with memorable and impactful moments from the conversation.

Transcript

[Dax Shepard]

Wondry plus subscribers can listen to Armchair Expert early and ad free right now. Join Wondry plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts. Or you can listen for free wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Expert. I'm Buck Rogers and I'm joined by Gene Lightyear.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hi.

[Dax Shepard]

Hi. Everyone will know who Bert Kreischer is when I describe a jolly man with no shirt on who does stand up. He does not do his profession with a shirt on.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, it's not for him.

[Dax Shepard]

Too cumbersome.

[Bert Kreischer]

Too much fabric.

[Dax Shepard]

Too much fabric. It doesn't declare I want to party hard enough.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's right.

[Dax Shepard]

And he is all about partying.

[Bert Kreischer]

He. He really is. He was also. He was crowned that early on.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. Once you get that moniker in college, you got to make it a lifestyle. And boy, has he successfully.

[Bert Kreischer]

Very successfully.

[Dax Shepard]

Bert, of course, is a host of a couple of very popular podcasts. Two Bears, one Ca and Something's Burning and Bertcast. And he has been in the Machine, Razzle Dazzle, the Cabin, Burt the Conqueror, Secret Time. And he has a comedy special out right now on Netflix called Lucky. So please check that out if you haven't already. And please enjoy Bert Kreischer. This message is brought to you by Apple Card. Apple Card is a no fee credit card that gives you daily cash back every day. That's 3% back at Apple and 2% back on every purchase made with Apple Card using Apple Pay. Apply for Apple Card in the Wallet app on your iPhone today subject to credit approval. Variable APRs for Apple Card range from 18.24% to 28.49% based on creditworthiness rates as of January 1, 2025. Apple Card issued by Goldman Sachs Bank USA Salt Lake City Branch terms and [e-mail] we are supported by Addie Flavanserin. The Little Pink Pill Ask your doctor if the FDA approved Little Pink Pill. Addy is right for you. See full prescribing information, medication guide and boxed warning regarding severe low blood pressure and fainting in certain settings at a d d y I.com PI or call 844-PINK PILL he's an object.

[Monica Padman]

I find it rude showing up to a podcast on time. When I show up on time, I should show up like five minutes late to let them get settled. So today I was like, I didn't know your energy, so I didn't want to assume. When I go to do a podcast, I'm like, when I say 2:00, it means I'll get there at 2:00.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

Exactly. Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

And so I feel when people get there early and they're waiting on me, and then I'm like, I'm so sorry. I decided to walk to work.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. And you have it nearly as bad as me, which is you record in a house.

[Monica Padman]

I just said, I can't believe I'm at your house. It's so intimate.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, Right? Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

Is it a good or a bad idea, you think?

[Monica Padman]

It depends on who you have on your podcast. I have lunatics on my podcast. The night that we decided we no longer do in our house, it was me, Sam, Tripoli, and Eddie Bravo, My daughter Isla, my daughter Georgia, and Eddie Bravo and Isla were learning Jiu Jitsu moves. Okay. And we were all high and we're all by the fire pit.

[Dax Shepard]

Sure.

[Monica Padman]

And Isla's like, mom, I'm learning Jiu Jitsu. It was really fun. But my wife's like, all right. Just so we were clear, that energy, we're not going to welcome that into our house. Every time we have a guest a little bit aggressive, she's like, I like Eddie. I like Sam. But I don't know if we're going to just. Anytime you have a band that wants to stick around and we're band doing coke in our bathroom the other day.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Maybe keep those kids away from that.

[Monica Padman]

I try to go, ladies, do you know who this is? And then they're like, no. I was like, shit, this is Gavin Rossdale. Do you know who Gwen Stefani is? And they're like, yeah. I go, oh, God, can you guys hug him or something? He's a legend. The only one that they ever got mad at me for not introducing them to was Tony Hawk.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, okay.

[Monica Padman]

They were like, you had Tony Hawk? Your dad.

[Dax Shepard]

It's hard to know what they're gonna know, right? They're what, 19 and 20, your daughters?

[Monica Padman]

19 and 20. Slipknot was a big home run. Five finger death punch brought daughter. I listened to that kind of music.

[Dax Shepard]

So how many years ago did you stop recording at home? Cause I went to a house, but that's not where were living.

[Monica Padman]

That is just our studio probably three years ago.

[Dax Shepard]

And that's good, right? It's just good across the board.

[Monica Padman]

Best energy in the world. I'm a natural extrovert, so I draw energy from people. And so to walk into a creative space like that, like, I would have really thrived in one of those content houses, those content houses of kids.

[Dax Shepard]

What do you mean?

[Monica Padman]

What's that?

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't know what a content house is.

[Dax Shepard]

I was acting like I did. I thought I could context clues figure that out.

[Bert Kreischer]

There's no way Dax knows what a content.

[Monica Padman]

Back in the day they get a thing called Sway House. Now I'm going to sound so old.

[Bert Kreischer]

Is mtv. No, no.

[Dax Shepard]

Something ridiculous.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, my God.

[Monica Padman]

Bryce Hall. Do you know who that is?

[Dax Shepard]

No.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, this is like really feeling bad.

[Monica Padman]

This is worse than being caught looking at porn at your kids school. I'm really embarrassed that I'm telling you that I follow this.

[Dax Shepard]

It's never good.

[Monica Padman]

Look, the Paul brothers did it. They get big on Tik Tok and then they'd move their friends in and then all day long they just create content.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, okay.

[Monica Padman]

I was 45 when they were doing that. 42. There was one that lived down the street from me. I was so jealous. I had a family, kids, a beautiful wife, dogs. And I drive by there and go, these kids are living it.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Monica Padman]

And they lived in mansions in the hills and they just liked their pool on fire. Cut the top off of neighbors would be living.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, so you still feel like, oh man. Or you feel like I had my time.

[Monica Padman]

I feel like I got it now in my house. I go there. I'm not lighting pools on fire. But today we had a creative meeting for a sitcom. First day of productions, everyone comes in, they move out. We got a movie pitch, they come in, move out. We got three podcasts.

[Dax Shepard]

It was a fervor of activity when I showed up. For anyone who didn't listen to that episode of Two Bears One Cave, I roll up and there's a tour bus in the driveway. I'm immediately ingratiated to you. I'm like, no one else has this in their driveway in la. This is great.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

And then I go inside and there's people everywhere and I'm like, they have a big business. There's a lot happening.

[Monica Padman]

Well, there's touring, there's tv, there's movies, there's podcasts, and then there's the vodka. There's the 5K cooking show. And that's the beautiful thing about this is whatever idea. I mean, I have my own flip flop.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, God. Let's see. This is it.

[Monica Padman]

Merch, Listen, this is going to sound so detached, but once you get a certain level in success, you get to kind of just call your own shots. So there's a flip flop that I liked. They stopped making it, so I started cyberbullying them. I said, everyone online, just hit them up, tell them that this is bullshit that they're not making my flip flop anymore.

[Dax Shepard]

Cannot live without these.

[Monica Padman]

The guys that own the company hit me up and they're like, hey, man, we're not doing great in business. And I was like, well, then let me help. And my first thought was, I need size twelves. Just give me a thousand and I'll wear them for the rest of my life.

[Dax Shepard]

You just want to get paid.

[Bert Kreischer]

Are they reefs?

[Monica Padman]

No, they're free waters. They're great flip flops.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay.

[Monica Padman]

And then I said, well, wait, how many do you need? I don't need any money in the company. Give me a price point where it's financially beneficial for you to make flip flops. Because if you could sell like 5,000 flip flops, I'd do it. I went, great. I said, Make 5,000 in my style, the kind I like. Put my name on. I don't care, but I'll sell to my fans. We sold them in, like, 15 minutes. Nice. @ that point, I realized, oh, there's bigger things in this business.

[Dax Shepard]

You're extremely adhd, right?

[Monica Padman]

Yes.

[Dax Shepard]

And I was thinking what a perfect time you were born in to come of age where you could be doing 57 different things and there's no barrier to entry and it's self distribution.

[Monica Padman]

We started at a time when that wasn't it. We had to get christened by a gatekeeper, which was so frustrating. I remember getting my first camera. It was a GL2. It was a Sony, Canon. Canon GL2. And I shot shorts I just needed to do. And I edited them, and I gave them to my manager, and he goes, what am I supposed to do with these? At that moment, I thought, this needs to go away. Because I was like, I know I see stuff and I like it.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

And I was like, what about the guys from south park who made the Jesus fight Santa Claus? They made something. Now everyone sees it. I got really bored. Was a travel channel, and I started doing a vlog. I got really into Casey Neistat, Mr. Ben Brown.

[Dax Shepard]

Fun for so good with names. I just got to say, I've been watching you all day on different interviews and your recall for people and how much you're abreast of every comedian that's working all that. It's kind of staggering.

[Monica Padman]

I can tell you things I like. I love being a fan of shit. There's no sexier feeling in the world. I hope someone's getting this right now. This is the coolest feeling you'll ever get in the world, is when you discover Something and you like it, and you deep dive and you find so much more shit and you're like, oh, I haven't even started.

[Bert Kreischer]

It is so fun, you know?

[Monica Padman]

I'll tell you this. I'm a big Grateful Dead fan. I've been lucky enough to be around them. Dead and company. I've gone to the sphere. I'm going back to the spirit.

[Dax Shepard]

Will you do drugs when you do that? Because you're not into drugs.

[Monica Padman]

I'll drink.

[Dax Shepard]

You won't do, like, mushrooms or something for that?

[Monica Padman]

No, no.

[Bert Kreischer]

It also feels scary at the Sphere.

[Monica Padman]

You don't need anything.

[Bert Kreischer]

The sphere is that good.

[Monica Padman]

I got so moved at the sphere for you too, that David Copperfield left our box. I was crying aggressively. My daughters could not stop laughing. They were filming all of it and I was just sob. The older I've gotten, I've gotten very emotional. But I'm a big Dead fan. I love when you discover something.

[Dax Shepard]

Yes.

[Monica Padman]

And so for me, it was vlogging. I've discovered Casey Neistat and Mr. Ben Brown. When I found these guys, I got turned on and I started deep diving them. And I was like, this is sexy, that they're in control of everything. And I started doing my own vlog. Very simple at first, a little more complex, and people followed it. And I got made fun of. I mean, trust me. Rogan lit me up a couple times. We're hoping to film us playing pool. And he was like, the fuck? We just did a podcast.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, yeah.

[Monica Padman]

But I got really into it. And in doing that, that I just learned how to edit videos. When I learned how to edit videos, I realized I was now in the driver's seat of my own career because I could put out whatever content I needed out on whatever timeline I needed it to promote whatever show I needed. And in doing that, I think I learned to follow my heart.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, it's a great era for someone with your makeup. Probably adhd. Super crazy passionate right now about the thing, my hunch is, if you can't knock it out in a small window, it's gone. Right? Is that fair?

[Monica Padman]

They put pilot in Hollywood. That means we're making your pilot.

[Dax Shepard]

They buy it. With the commitment to make the pilot at NBC.

[Monica Padman]

Shout out to Talra Benowitz. I knew her when she was assistant. I walked into the room, she's now running NBC. She was always cool. She was like, say less done. And then my best friend started fast shaming me.

[Dax Shepard]

What year was this?

[Monica Padman]

This was 2016, I think I had just gotten fired from Travel Channel. I already knew how to edit everything. I knew how to vlog. And Tom started fast shaming me. And I was like, I know Tom doesn't know how to do any of this shit. I'm going to destroy him. And so I started fat shaming him. At one point, my manager and agent called my wife, and they were like, hey, we need Bert's notes on the pilot. And she was like, oh, he's done. And they're like, what? She was like, it took too long. He's done. He's onto this fat shaming thing.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes.

[Monica Padman]

He's not gonna do it.

[Dax Shepard]

You're white hot. But it's got a real short half life.

[Monica Padman]

If it's not there right away, I'm on to the next thing.

[Dax Shepard]

But what amazing technology that is sprouted up where you make real time content and it can be released that day and you see the results of it, and then you're onto the very next thing. This is not a personality type that works under the old paradigm.

[Monica Padman]

No.

[Dax Shepard]

All right, but let us start at the beginning.

[Monica Padman]

Shoot.

[Dax Shepard]

Tampa, Florida. 1977.

[Monica Padman]

72. 52.

[Dax Shepard]

Yes. Yes. I'm 75. I made you younger than me.

[Monica Padman]

My two writers on my show were like, you're meeting Dax Shepard today. And I was like, yeah. And they're like, how old is he? And I went, probably like, 40. And they're like, he's 40? And I was like, I don't know. And they're like, you were just with him. How do you not know how old he is? And I was like, he seems young as shit. He's got a full head of hair. He's jacked.

[Bert Kreischer]

Look at you. That's so nice.

[Dax Shepard]

He took the steps two at a time on the way up to the studio.

[Bert Kreischer]

You shaved 10 whole years off. How nice.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, that's really kind of you. Well, and then I just gave you five years. November 72, you arrive St. Petersburg. But then we get to Tampa.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah. I shot my special in St. Petersburg specials. Comes out on Netflix March 18th. Lucky and I shot it in St. Petersburg. Very emotional.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, so Tampa, Florida. Dad was a real estate attorney.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

So was he crushing?

[Monica Padman]

No. My dad doesn't like me talking about this, but he doesn't listen to your podcast. Yeah, he's So I think we're safe.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

Talked about it on Rogan one time. Rogan said, can't be real. So I call my dad. I go, hey, yo, dad, do you ever represent dot, dot, dot? And he's like, yeah. And I was like, cool. I'm on Rogan. He goes, what? Don't tell people who I. Buddy, you can't tell people who I represented. But they have a building right on this road.

[Dax Shepard]

The people he represented have a building on this road.

[Monica Padman]

Very big building. A mile that way. Scientology. Easy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, good job.

[Monica Padman]

So he met an author.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, wonderful.

[Monica Padman]

The author loved boats. I mean, you'd think the guy lived on a boat.

[Dax Shepard]

And then he did build the boat he lived on.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, yeah. We lived in what I would say a white trash neighborhood. I apologize if there's anyone that grew up with me. Not my second neighborhood, not Faircloth Estates, but the first neighborhood was white trash. I remember in first grade, I went over to this dude, Darren, and we used to play football together. Darren. Darren lived on that street. He was with a chick. And I just went up with my ball. I was like, yo, we playing football today? And he's like, buddy, I'm fingering a girl right now. And I was like, my bad.

[Dax Shepard]

In first grade.

[Monica Padman]

First grade.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, my God, I hope she was in second grade. At least.

[Monica Padman]

He had to be in, like eighth grade. They were older. Oh, they were older.

[Dax Shepard]

I'm sorry.

[Monica Padman]

Fellow first grader came out weird. Yeah, I know.

[Bert Kreischer]

I was like, oh, my God.

[Monica Padman]

When I said to someone, no, I was drinking with a bunch of miners. And they're like, what? And I was like, yeah, they were fucking fun. And they're like, where were you? I said, west Virginia.

[Dax Shepard]

Coal miners.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, it's coal miners. What are you doing? Grew up in white trash. My dad gets this one client promise a big money buys a house. Like, I don't even know. $130,000 in 82. That's a lot. It's big. Three bedrooms, office downstairs on a lake. No pool.

[Dax Shepard]

You had no pool?

[Monica Padman]

That was our pool.

[Dax Shepard]

Gator pond, Dud.

[Monica Padman]

Dude, there are signs that you grew up in Florida and it is. You are hyper aware of gators and snakes. I've never once walked across my lawn and not watch where my feet land. Yeah, that's Florida. And I never have gotten in a fucking lake and just thought, this'll be fun as a kid. You get water skiing. You're like, feet up. I don't wanna get eaten.

[Bert Kreischer]

It was terrifying.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, my mom will like that. I tell this story. She was water skiing in Florida as a young 20 something year old. She saw alligators and then she fell and she was too terrified to let go of the tow rope. And she was drugged behind the boat, so it gave her an enema. And she. Her bathing Suit. That's Florida water skiing for you right there.

[Monica Padman]

Public enema number one.

[Dax Shepard]

You might shit yourself, water skin.

[Monica Padman]

Dude, Florida's so fucked up. I think Florida and Australia are the closest cousins you get in the world. Everything can kill you in Australia. The weakest people in the world, Germans. That's.

[Bert Kreischer]

There's nothing scary there. You're saying nothing.

[Monica Padman]

Have wolves in Australia. Have you ever been to Australia?

[Dax Shepard]

Oh yeah.

[Monica Padman]

Especially in northern Australia. Every sign is written in English and in German because Germans have lived this carefree life with no snakes, no alligators.

[Dax Shepard]

They have deer, maybe a raccoon maybe.

[Monica Padman]

And so they go, this water looks fun. And then gators got them in its.

[Dax Shepard]

Mouth and they got the great whites. It's teeming with man killers down there.

[Monica Padman]

Fucking Australian. Dangerous.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, it is. So as a car guy, the weird thing is I would go to Florida and everyone drove a Mustang Notchback LX5 liter. They were only sold in Florida. People always got a hatchback. I don't know why they all like that, but it was all kids living with their grandparents because their parents had kicked them out. I mean, there's a huge contingency of people just living with their grandparents, which is a wild group. Were you running into that a lot?

[Monica Padman]

I was not.

[Dax Shepard]

That's more central Florida.

[Monica Padman]

No, that's more northern Florida.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, Like Orlando.

[Monica Padman]

Y. Yeah, like Ocala.

[Dax Shepard]

I was in Sebring a lot.

[Monica Padman]

So that's southwest coast Florida.

[Dax Shepard]

Yes, southwest. Oh, it's central mid state. We'd fly into Orlando if you're not watching this. That won't be entertaining. But the look Monica just gave me, anytime I talk about geography, which I can't resist.

[Bert Kreischer]

14Min. And she's like, no one gives a.

[Dax Shepard]

Flying fuck where Sebring Florida is.

[Bert Kreischer]

And she's right, no one.

[Dax Shepard]

But we care.

[Monica Padman]

I just said to someone the other day, the best geography joke ever was Homer Simpson. He goes, who cares about Canada all tucked away down there.

[Dax Shepard]

Exactly. Back to Tampa. Dad has this client now. That's all we can say about that. Cuz I certainly need to know more. I read that book going clear and him floating around on a way to dance around it.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, things that seem interesting in your life are just your life. And you're like, yeah, I don't really remember.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

But all I know is that we got into move into a nice house in a nicer neighborhood based on the client. And then the client allegedly just kind of bounced.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay.

[Monica Padman]

And then we had a house with no furniture in it, but from the.

[Dax Shepard]

Street, you guys look like, it looked.

[Monica Padman]

Like we were killing it. But if you walked in our house, you're like, oh, did you just move in? You're like, no, we've been here a year and a half. Right.

[Bert Kreischer]

And did you have a complex around that?

[Monica Padman]

No. It's weird what doesn't bother me. And then it's weird what bothers me.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, what bothers you? Because you seem to have a very thick skin and you're very self deprecating, so it's hard to know what would trigger you.

[Monica Padman]

I'm extremely sensitive. I'll give you a perfect example. When I talked shit about you on Two Bears.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, right.

[Monica Padman]

And then I heard that it came to you. I got really upset about it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wait, I don't know this. We are definitely talking about it.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, quite simply, I had been told in comments that I got made fun of on Two Bears by Burt.

[Monica Padman]

It was just Tom lights me up and pokes me and I like talking wild on a podcast. It's part of being on a podcast guest. And he's like, dax Shepard's killing it. Maybe I'll get him on here as a guest bear. And I was like, dax Shepard? He was like, what? And I go, dude, he just started podcasting last week and it's the number one podcast in the world.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, it's all very legit.

[Monica Padman]

I've been doing this for nine years.

[Dax Shepard]

What's funny is I'm aware of that. I come to expect that. But then somehow I see a video of Bert telling a story where he said, I feel really bad that I made fun of Dax Shepard. And he did this incredible thing which he sent me merch, which I didn't do, but an armchair he did.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wait, what?

[Dax Shepard]

Someone sent him our merch.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, our merch.

[Dax Shepard]

And he thought it was from me. And he was like, oh, what a cool.

[Monica Padman]

It destroyed me. It was during the pandemic and I got it in my P.O. box and I was like, oh, my God. And here's the thing. I am like a day one ride or die for Dax. For real. When Punk came out. First of all, I know I told you this. He looks like my best friend growing up, Ryan Valerius. When he came on there. He even looked more like him then. And I was like, that's my fucking guy. You expect your movie stars to just stay movie stars and not get in your lane. And when they get in your lane, you're like, dude, you're already a fucking movie star. You're already married to a fucking movie star.

[Dax Shepard]

All of it. Totally understand. And I would be fucking annoyed. And then we has this all out on his show and it was lovely.

[Monica Padman]

I've done that to a few people and so when it happens to me, I understand it more.

[Dax Shepard]

It's helpful, right? When you go like, all right, it's the same thing I did. I don't even mean it. They probably don't mean it either.

[Monica Padman]

You're looking for a funny take. Like, I went off on alcoholism, I went off on people who quit drinking, right?

[Bert Kreischer]

Sure, sure.

[Monica Padman]

Did you hear this?

[Dax Shepard]

No.

[Monica Padman]

It was bad. Anyone in the program got really upset.

[Dax Shepard]

What were your points?

[Monica Padman]

My point was, if you're thinking about quitting drinking, don't. It's not the alcohol, it's you. So have a drink and let's figure this out.

[Bert Kreischer]

Let's talk it out over drinks.

[Monica Padman]

My whole point was I know so many people who've quit drinking, but didn't fix the problem.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, I agree with you there.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

I go, let's not say it's alcohol, let's say it's you. And it was just to make Tom laugh. And I got lit up by friends in the program.

[Dax Shepard]

Listen, I'm so pro drinking. I'm so pro drugs. Everyone that can do it should be doing it as much as they can.

[Monica Padman]

I'm doing it tonight, I gotta shoot something tomorrow. And I was like, I don't wanna look bloated. And then I was like, haha, I already look bloated. Who gives a shit? People are gonna recognize me if I'm not bloated.

[Dax Shepard]

Kind of bloated and a lot of bloated.

[Bert Kreischer]

I used to drink to keep up my personality.

[Dax Shepard]

But what I would say about that point is simply to address the you that is the problem, which I would agree with. It's best to do that not drunk. You're not. The most objective version of yourself when you're trying to do some self analysis is when you're feeling very confident and better looking than you are.

[Monica Padman]

We were in Orlando and I had tied one on really heavy the night before and we had to do a podcast at 8am and I sat down and I was off. I go, I need a six pack. And Tom's like, what are we doing here, buddy? And I was like, you know what? Fuck you. And this is before the podcast. He's like, what? And I go, bring it up. Say something, I dare you. And then they bring in a thing. And he goes, what do you think? Maybe it's a little early. Have a beer. I go, you know what? And then I went on this rant. And then a few people that I really care about that are in recovery reached out, really upset and that bothered me. And then it went viral and I was like, nah, fuck you.

[Dax Shepard]

I would have never shamed you for it.

[Monica Padman]

Danny Trejo stood by me. He's like, yeah, you got to fix the problem in you. It's not the booze. And if it's not that, it's going to be jerking off or sex.

[Dax Shepard]

We'll just talk to anyone in their first year of sobriety, they're either fucking non stop, they've started online gambling or something.

[Monica Padman]

The best feeling in the world is gambling.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, scary.

[Dax Shepard]

The heart race where you've had to battle it or no, no, no, no, no.

[Monica Padman]

Just when you got the nuts. Your cards are on the table and another card lands and it's your card and you don't know what he has and your heart. Nothing in the world would I trade for that moment. I remember my numbers. 11. I always put money on 11. During the pandemic. I was in a casino, I put $100 on 11. Lady had a mask on, all eye contact spins it. It, she's watching it. It hits 11 and I watch her eyes dart and me and her and that feeling of hitting 11. And I've had two children. Better than the birth of either of them.

[Dax Shepard]

Sure.

[Monica Padman]

It felt so good. I split it with her.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, beautiful. So that's a 3, 600 payout.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah. And I should never have split it with her because she doesn't get it. It goes to the house.

[Dax Shepard]

No, they get their tips.

[Monica Padman]

No, she puts it in the bucket.

[Dax Shepard]

We're gonna fact check that. They gotta get there.

[Monica Padman]

It's like if you gave money to a homeless guy on the side of the road and he goes, yeah, I'm gonna split it with all of us. Well, I want you to have it.

[Bert Kreischer]

I get that.

[Dax Shepard]

First of all, what scenario did you just paint? There's no way any dude is like, I'm sharing it with all these people.

[Monica Padman]

I used to do a thing called wait staff raffle. I just did it as a lark. It was the first time I ever sold out a show. It's the very beginning of me starting to sell tickets. And there was a snowstorm and I got bonused a hundred dollars. Maybe it was more, but I had a hundred dollars in my set. I'm gonna give it to the whole staff. And then I realized, well, it's only 10 bucks a person. It doesn't seem that big. And then I said, I'm gonna Give it to one person. That's the thing I look for in life. If I'm addicted to anything. It's the sparkle of a moment. The sensation when you go, yeah, yeah, yeah. And so I said, you know what I'll do? And I got on stage and I said, here's the deal. This waitstaff, they've been busting their ass, and they're gonna probably walk with maybe 120 bucks tonight, which is good money, but we can make one of them really feel the moment. So what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna pass around my hat and just put in whatever you have. Don't take it away from your tip. Just if you got like 10 or 20, just throw it in. Five bucks is fine. And I'm gonna put $100 in.

[Dax Shepard]

Nice.

[Monica Padman]

And we got $700 that night.

[Dax Shepard]

Wow.

[Monica Padman]

And we pulled a name out of all the wait staff.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, this is so sweet.

[Monica Padman]

One starts crying, this is a fucking powerful moment. I don't know if you'll get it as much as me, because you never a poor dad. But she said, I get to buy the nice car seat. Now, as a poor dad, I remember going to Target with Leanne when we were broke, looking at car seats, and you'd see the good car seat. And you, this is my baby's life. And I gotta get the cheaper one. Cause I'm a fuck up.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's a lot.

[Monica Padman]

Wait, it gets better. You ready for this one? And you can find this one online. So I start doing it, and it's fun. And I tell them, I said, we'll do it every show. Five of you will walk away with like a thousand bucks a night extra. And they loved it. And then we were in Louisville, Kentucky, last show on Sunday, and we've been doing it the whole week. And I pull a name, I go, kevin, you don't want dudes to win.

[Dax Shepard]

You don't want a guy to win.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

There's already a pay gap. Just go make some money.

[Monica Padman]

And he's black. You don't want black dudes to win.

[Dax Shepard]

No.

[Monica Padman]

Don't want black dudes. You're talking to a pro. I put my 10,000 hours, and I'll tell you why.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay.

[Monica Padman]

Black guys have a hard time with vulnerability. They try to be funny. They're not going to share. Like a white chick or a black chick will share. Black guys are a little standoffish. But it's Kevin. I go, kevin. And I improve 100%.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wrong.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. I had a hunch that you were not on Firm ground with this opinion.

[Monica Padman]

I was gonna go down as a racist.

[Bert Kreischer]

I know. I was like, oh, God, I'm gonna keep the money.

[Monica Padman]

They've had enough.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. They've been handed everything.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

Fucking born on third base.

[Monica Padman]

I bring him up on stage, and he is trying to hold it together. And he's like, good looking out. Thank you. You can find the video online. I'm gonna over exaggerate for you listening. Cause I want you to feel it, but you can watch it. And it is just as moving. And I go, kevin, emotional. And he goes, no. Oh, I'm gonna get emotional telling you this. I said, buddy, I'm looking at you. What's going on? And he goes, no, I'm good. Thank you, everybody. Thank you. And I said, what are you gonna do with this money? And he said, Saturday is my daughter's birthday. Now I get to throw her the party she wanted. And I get to be the dad she thinks I am.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Monica Padman]

Dude stands up, walks $100. Get that for your daughter. The whole room starts coming out throwing money at. Oh, my God, make it rain it. Awesome. We had wild moments doing that. That's what I love in life.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, for sure. Okay, we must get to how you're here. So Tampa Jesuit school. Shocker to me.

[Monica Padman]

Loved it. Define me.

[Dax Shepard]

You describe yourself as a dum dum all the time. It's kind of part of your onstage Persona. You can't get to a Jesuit school and be a dumb dumb. They specialize in making people very critical thinkers, challenging of opinions.

[Monica Padman]

You'd be shocked at how many dumb dumbs are in my phone right now.

[Dax Shepard]

That are all Jesuit graduates.

[Monica Padman]

The funniest dudes ever. My group of friends in high school without a doub were the funniest individuals I've ever known in my life.

[Dax Shepard]

So then you go to Florida State, and this is important. You're there for how many years? Six or seven?

[Monica Padman]

Six and a half year six.

[Dax Shepard]

Of his enrollment at Florida State. Rolling Stone is in search of the biggest party school. They do an article, and they crown Bert the hardest partying guy at the hardest party school.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's a crown.

[Dax Shepard]

You kind of have a moment of celebrity all of a sudden in your sixth year.

[Monica Padman]

It's the best. It's my first taste of celebrity, I'll tell you. It was intoxicating.

[Dax Shepard]

And clearly every kid on that campus read that article. It's the biggest news possible that they.

[Monica Padman]

Got crowned, that everyone did. So it was a different time then. I think the Real World Road Rules was around, but celebrity wasn't as attainable as is now. Overnight, it changed my life. Every publication wanted to write about me. There were like these tabloid news shows that would happen like 5:00 in the afternoon. American Journal. They all flew down. They spent time with me. Open Oprah wanted me and my parents to do it. Oliver Stone optioned the rights to my life.

[Bert Kreischer]

Stop.

[Monica Padman]

I met Oliver Stone.

[Dax Shepard]

This is the most bizarre, it's the.

[Monica Padman]

Craziest set of life experiences you could ever imagine having, especially as like a 25 year old kid. I had no plans for anything. I didn't know what I was going to do. I was figuring, I'll move to Aspen and just try to work on a ski lift or something, live with my friends. And then this happens. I still didn't know what to do with it. And in the article I'd said I wanted to do stand up. This radio show was like, yo, we'll let you do stand up now. They were doing it to watch me fail and then they'd have content for Monday. They put me last on the list of four professional touring comics at a place called Pop Bellies still there. I just went there the other day in Tallahassee and I did 20 minutes and it was stream of consciousness. Oh, I had nothing written.

[Bert Kreischer]

Scary.

[Dax Shepard]

Was the house packed with your now devotees from campus?

[Monica Padman]

No one would have been there if it wasn't me. It was all friends. I was in a group called Scalp Hunters, which were the heads of all of attorneys. So all of attorneys were there. I was with my dad when I did the Emily arena in Tampa. And Derek Brooks, you know, Derek Brooks is no a Hall of Famer, Played for the Bucks, played at Florida State. He says to my dad, he goes, it's amazing to see where he he's at now from where he started. My dad goes, huh? And Derek goes, I was at his show at Potbelly's. I was like, so yeah, it was crazy, but I did great radio show, offered me a gig on their show. They're like, we thought you'd bomb. Why don't you come in, do third mic.

[Dax Shepard]

Wow, this is nuts. Because normally you're chasing fame and it takes forever and then you maybe get it or you don't. Fame found you. You're like, oh, I like this. How on earth do I keep this going?

[Monica Padman]

This sounds shallow, I don't know why, but when you're just like an average looking dude, you become funny so people pay attention to you. And then when you're Funny people pay att. But the thing you were looking for is what good looking guys have where people are like, what's that guy's name? I was never the guy. Where if you're with a group of girls, they're like, do you know who we have to set Jennifer up with? And you'd be like, please say my name, please say my name. And they'd be like, derek, he is hilarious. I'm like, derek does impressions of Ace Ventura. He's not fucking funny. And so then I remember eating at a blimpy's and these hot girls were staring at me. Perfect location.

[Bert Kreischer]

Couldn't have been a better location.

[Dax Shepard]

Potbellys is the first fucking stand up.

[Bert Kreischer]

Blimpies. My mom was obsessed with blimpies.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, blimpy's subs are fucking legit.

[Bert Kreischer]

But I'm from Georgia. That's why Duluth. Exactly.

[Monica Padman]

My wife's from Georgia.

[Bert Kreischer]

What part?

[Monica Padman]

Bowdon. It's a really small redneck town. Sorry. Anyone from Bowden listening?

[Bert Kreischer]

No. Shout out.

[Monica Padman]

Anyway, fame felt good.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, the gals were staring at you. Did they talk to you?

[Monica Padman]

Came over, sat down with us. It filled holes that I didn't know I had, but I knew were there.

[Dax Shepard]

Dude, we all want to be the gorgeous quarterback of the football team. We want to know what it's like to just walk down the hall and people turn and they look at you.

[Monica Padman]

If a girl said she wanted to have sex with me, and this happened a couple times, especially in college, my initial thought was, what's wrong with her? Yeah, because I go, that doesn't happen to me.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, Something's weird about this.

[Monica Padman]

I mean, it was the craziest and the access you had to life. I remember ESPN sent two young actors down to hang out with me, shoot a commercial and party. One of those actors was Johnny Knoxville.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, come on.

[Monica Padman]

And this is like insane stories. The things that have happened to me in life just shouldn't track. And we party. He showed me can't kill yourself videos of them trying to break beer bottles on their head. And we took pills, we drank. He threw himself down a flight of stairs. We ended up dressed as women.

[Bert Kreischer]

The original content house.

[Monica Padman]

It was everything you wanted.

[Dax Shepard]

You were a member of Jackass for a night.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, it's probably five years before Jackass. I know this sounds fake. Johnny knows this is real. He was writing articles for Big Brother at the time, and he pitched me Jackass in his kitchen.

[Dax Shepard]

Wow.

[Monica Padman]

Anyway, it filled holes and so I moved to New York going like, the fame shit's for me.

[Dax Shepard]

Yes.

[Monica Padman]

How do I get more of this? And I got a job at the Boston Comedy Club working the door to get stage time. And I sucked. And I was like, okay, hold on.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, no friends there.

[Monica Padman]

And it looked like fame all of a sudden was really fading quickly. You know those pictures of Michael J. Fox and his brothers and sisters where they legs start disappearing.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, and back to the future.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah. It was just a picture of my head. Everything was gone. I was like, yo, if I don't.

[Dax Shepard]

Get famous quick, you realize you were on minute 17.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

Of the 15 minutes. You're like, oh.

[Monica Padman]

I mean, I auditioned for MTV's who Wants to Be a Voice DJ. Do you remember that? Sure, sure, yeah, with Dave Holmes and Jesse. And then I started getting good at stand up quicker than I should have.

[Dax Shepard]

Let's talk about your dad though. One second. Because I know this part from when I was on your show. Your dad lets you have it at one point.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

This to me on the surface sounds like the wrong approach, but it really worked for you. Tell Moni what happened on my 26th birthday.

[Monica Padman]

I woke up, no air conditioner in New York, on a leather couch, hungover. It's probably 9:30, and the phone rings. It's my dad. I looked caller id. Everybody probably just wants to wish me a happy birthday. I'll let him do it and I'll go back to sleep. I was like, hey, what's up? He was like, you are a tremendous piece of shit. And I was like, what? He goes, I just perjured myself in court. I have never perjured myself. The judge said, Mr. Kreisler, how's your son doing in New York? And I said, fantastic, your honor. That's a lie. You have no humility. You are a fucking party boy. You have nothing. You don't deserve what you have. He really broke me off. Now I'm sitting up, sweating, still. I go, it's my birthday.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

I know what fucking day it is. Are you kidding me? That's why I'm calling you. I remember saying, well, how do I fix it? And he goes, you can't. He goes, I fucked up and it's my problem. I'll deal with it. I'll help you out. We'll figure this out together. But just have fun. Be a party boy. And I was like, hold on.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, even worse, he's resigned.

[Monica Padman]

And by the way, he wasn't doing the fake thing of like, it wasn't reverse like a stupid dog.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

He had like, given up.

[Dax Shepard]

You're a fucking mulligan you're going to be a failure forever. Let's game plan that.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah? I was like, dad, stop. For real, I want to fix this. And he goes, you don't have the skill to fix it. What you need is humility. That is what you don't have. You're too proud to do it. Someone that wants something will do. And he goes, it's my fault. You should have worked in warehouses. You should have done the hard work. You didn't do it. So I fucked up. And I was like, hang on, this is like a rough one. I remember my sisters laughed out loud when I told him. I go, tell me what I need to do. And he goes, if you want my advice, tonight, you go to that comedy club you go to and you ask for a job. You tell him you'll do anything, you'll mop the floors. And I go, okay, I can't do it tonight because I have a birthday party planned.

[Dax Shepard]

One more day as a piece of shit. Please.

[Monica Padman]

It's like a joke. You know what? Can I party on the plane?

[Dax Shepard]

I already bought some. Can I get through that and we'll go to treatment after.

[Monica Padman]

He goes, you don't deserve a party.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, man. He was fucking.

[Monica Padman]

What are you celebrating? My sisters are like, that's so dad right there. And he goes, you've got nothing. You're a piece of shit.

[Dax Shepard]

That article was 20 months ago.

[Monica Padman]

It was. And I said, okay, I'll do what you said. What if they say no? And he goes, doesn't matter. You just fucking go. So I went to the club, one of this guy, Louis Schaefer. I said, hey, my name's Bert Kreisler. And he goes, I know who you are. And I said, I would like a job. I'd like the opportunity to do stand up. I came to be a stand up. I'll clean up, I'll mop up, I'll put chairs out. I'll do whatever you want. And he said, can I give you my advice? And I said, sure. He said, move back to Florida. I was like, cool. So I went to the Bag of in, had a drink, went down to McDougal Ale House, met my friends, celebrated my party, woke up the next day, called my dad, and I was like, didn't work. And he goes, perfect. You show up again tonight, you say the same thing. And if he stops you, you say, here's the deal, buddy. I'm looking for an opportunity. And I'm going to keep asking you this question every single night for the rest of your God given life until you give me an opportunity. Opportunity. So I go, dad, I'm gonna look like a fool. He goes, no, no, no. He goes, I want you to think about a young black kid in Harlem who doesn't have everything that's been given to you. And think how hard he's gonna fight for that opportunity. So you think how lucky you are. So I walked in the next night, I was like, hey, Lou Shaver, my name is Burt Kreisler. And he goes, didn't I tell you to move back to Florida? I go, hey, man, here's the deal, okay? My dad called me a piece of shit yesterday. I was supposed to have a party. I didn't even really get to have a party.

[Dax Shepard]

It was easier in college.

[Monica Padman]

This seemed so much easier when it was given to me. And working for it seems so difficult. And he, he said, I'll put you out front. And you bark if you can bring in 20 people. I'll give you 20 bucks. I'll give you a dollar for everyone you bring in. And I'll put you on at the end of the night. And I went, deal.

[Dax Shepard]

Stay tuned for more armchair expert if you dare. We are supported by Addie.

[Bert Kreischer]

Addie. That's that little pink pill, right?

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, it sure is. Addi is the number one doctor prescribed FDA approved treatment to get this. Increase women's sex drive in premenopausal women who are bothered by low libido.

[Bert Kreischer]

This is very important, which brings up.

[Dax Shepard]

A really interesting conversation. What do women want out of sex? I mean, it's different for men, right?

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, I'm not a man, so I guess I can't really speak to that. But for women, it's definitely about pleasure and orgasms, of course, but it's really more about the intimacy.

[Dax Shepard]

Like being really excited about the person.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes, totally. Yes. Be so into someone that you're like, let's do this. I want this. That's a good feeling.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, apparently there's a lot of women out there who struggle with low libido, but there's not enough honest conversation about it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. And women should know that there are options out there and we shouldn't be embarrassed to talk about it and get help.

[Dax Shepard]

No way. It's your life. You deserve this.

[Bert Kreischer]

If you want to learn more and get back to feeling like yourself, go to addie.com.

[Dax Shepard]

That'S a D D Y I dot com. Addi or Flibanserin is for premenopausal women with acquired generalized hypoactive sexual desire disorder. HSDD who have not had problems with low sexual desire in who have low sexual desire. No matter the type of sexual activity, the situation, or the sexual partner, this low sexual desire is troubling to them and is not due to a medical or mental health problem, problems in the relationship or medicine or other drug use. ADDI is not for use in children, men, or to enhance sexual performance. Your risk of severe low blood pressure and fainting is increased if you drink one to two standard alcohol drinks. Close in time to your ADDI dose. Wait at least two hours after drinking before taking ADDI at bedtime. This risk increases if you take certain prescriptions, OTC or herbal medications, or have liver problems and can happen when you take ADDI without alcohol or other medicines. Do not take if you are allergic to any of addi's ingredients. Allerg allergic reactions may include hives, itching or trouble breathing. Sometimes serious sleepiness can occur. Common side effects include dizziness, nausea, tiredness, difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep, and dry mouth. See full P I and Medication guide including box [e-mail] PI@24 I lost my narrative.

[Bert Kreischer]

Or rather it was stolen from me, and the Monica Lewinsky that my friends and family knew was usurped by false narratives, callous jokes, and politics.

[Monica Padman]

Politics.

[Bert Kreischer]

I would define reclaiming as to take back what was yours. Something you possess is lost or stolen and ultimately you triumph in finding it again. So I think listeners can expect me to be chatting with folks both recognizable and unrecognizable names about the way that people have navigated roads to triumph. My hope is that people will finish an episode of Reclaiming and feel like they feel their tank up. They connected with the people that I'm talking to and leave with maybe some nuggets that help them feel a little more hopeful. Follow Reclaiming with Monica Lewinsky on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to Reclaiming early and ad free right now by joining Wondery plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts.

[Monica Padman]

If you're a comedy fan, this is fascinating. Two things happened that night. Patrice O'Neal, Rich Voss, Jim Norton, and I think Bobby Kelly were standing on the side of the street. Do you know who Patrice O'Neal is?

[Dax Shepard]

I know Patrice.

[Monica Padman]

Patrice was cat calling women. Now I'm working the street and I don't know these guys at all. And I said I can't believe you think that would work because I've never seen a cat call. So I grew up in Florida. It's about foot Traffic. We don't have that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, right.

[Monica Padman]

And so he goes, shut the fuck up. And I was like, that's not how you'd hit on a woman. It sounds aggressive. He's like, what would you do? And a beautiful woman, probably 35. And I had to talk to her anyway because I tried to get her to the club. I said, you look tired. Why don't I take you out and I'll buy you a glass of wine? I'll listen to your day. And she went, I'm okay. And they made fun of me. Yeah, yeah, she heard them make fun of me. And she came back, she goes, you know what? I'll take you up on that glass of wine. And I looked at her and I went, I can't. I don't know what to do. I know. I go, I just got my dream job. My dad called me a piece of yesterday. Everything's working out. I can't throw it away for you. And I went, I can't. And she went, for real? And I went, no. And she walked away. And I went, fuck. Louis Shaver's like, you got a job. He's like, you come every night. We'll put you up. Six months later, Will Smith Discover me, give me a development deal, and I moved out here.

[Bert Kreischer]

Holy shit.

[Monica Padman]

I'm sorry to run my own interview. But I'll tell you the thing that I think is interesting in this now. I'm on the Track to fame development deal, hanging out with Will Smith all the time. He's introducing me to everyone, is his guy. I'm like, fame's right there. It's going to happen again. I get a TV show, the FX X Show, and I'm on TV every night. Things are happening. I'm meeting Sammy Hagar and Slash and I'm meeting famous people. And one day, I'm sitting in my car on the corner of Franklin by Vine. Kind of beautiful winter day in la. In the morning, I'm driving the set of a Jason Williams jersey on white chocolate.

[Dax Shepard]

Jason Williams.

[Monica Padman]

Fuck, yeah. When he played for the Kings.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, yeah.

[Monica Padman]

I'm in my expedition. Eddie Bauer listening to Ja Rule.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, fuck, yeah.

[Monica Padman]

Don't, don't, don't. And I'm like, this is it. And I go, I thought I'd be happier. I guess it wasn't fame. I've got all the things I want. I have a development deal at Fox that's ending. I have one that's starting up again at cbs. I have a TV show. I'm doing everything I've ever wanted to do.

[Dax Shepard]

You're still doing stand up throughout this?

[Monica Padman]

No. And so. So I lose it all. Meet Leanne, fall in love.

[Bert Kreischer]

What do you mean you lose it all?

[Monica Padman]

Fire. It just goes away.

[Dax Shepard]

Shows aren't hits. What age was that?

[Monica Padman]

27 is that day. And then I meet Leanne at 29. Now, from 27 to 29, I get back into standup really aggressively.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, you're like, this is what brought me to the party the first time.

[Monica Padman]

The lesson my dad gave me about humility. It was the biggest thing that ever helped because I was cool with sucking my pride in. I called it the improv. Now I've been on television shows. There's cachet for a comedy club. And then Aaron's like, yeah, I can't really just give you spots, but if you want, I'll let you host. Hosting in LA is frowned upon. Back in the day, it was meaning.

[Dax Shepard]

That'S not what a real comedian does.

[Monica Padman]

The first time I did it, my wife brought her best friend and a few friends, and her best friend said in front of everyone, I didn't know you were going to host. Let us know when you do standup next time. Oh, yeah. I was like, okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Stung.

[Monica Padman]

And I started hosting. This is what I got to do. This is what I got to do. And I just kind of worked my way back up. And then I got an opportunity to host in Ontario, which was a bigger opportunity. And then I met a couple guys and then I started touring and going out on the. And everything was going great, but not making any money. 700 bucks a week. You got to pay managers and agents and you got to pay for travel and sometimes lodging.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's gone.

[Monica Padman]

It's gone. But then I married Leanne and we were broke. So broke. I didn't know we were broke. One day she sent me the store to get milk and I got a gallon of milk and I bought a Tall boy Fosters. I was listening to Spoon, that's the Way We'll Get By. And I was on my skateboard and I was skating and we lived on Detroit street. And I was the happiest I'd ever been. This is fucking. And it broke. No fame, but in the throws of standup. So good at standup at that time. Two kids. My wife worked for the Buildings. We had a great apartment and I had a tall boy of Fosters. And I was like, Leanne might be pissed that I bought beer with whatever money she sent me to the store with.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, yeah.

[Monica Padman]

And Leanne happened to be watching me Skate home. When I got upstairs, she was like, don't ever lose whoever just walked in that door. I was like, yeah, that's what you want. The fame wasn't the thing, and I didn't know that. It was the work. Doing standup was the thing.

[Bert Kreischer]

I love purpose.

[Monica Padman]

The purpose. Now listen, I am famous now, and I fucking love it. Access to anything is.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, I would argue to. Your particular version of fame is really fun because you're a good time, Charlie. You're like a turnkey when you show up. People are like, oh, we're partying. That's the association.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

So generally, when people see you, they're fucking pumped to have a good time.

[Monica Padman]

I love to have a good time.

[Dax Shepard]

When does this stand up, take off where you're headlining and you're starting to make good money?

[Monica Padman]

I worked for Travel Channel for, like, eight years.

[Dax Shepard]

You would go to amusement parks and stuff. You would go on thrill rides. You jumped up the stratosphere and you're afraid of all this stuff. Yeah, eight years.

[Monica Padman]

I did that for three years. And then I did another show called Trip Flip for four years. I was also a little bit of, like a rover for them. They needed someone to do something. They could plug me in. I was always good with ad sales. I could help sell Carnival Cruises. And then they go, let's just do a show about Carnival Cruises. We got money from Carnival Cruises. I got fired from that.

[Dax Shepard]

For a specific reason or just it ran its course?

[Monica Padman]

No, it just ran. It's. I was like. I would sign deals. Milan always says, don't say fired, but that's what it feels like.

[Bert Kreischer]

They just didn't renew your deal.

[Monica Padman]

The lady called me and she was like, hey, I think we're done working, working with you. We're not going to renew your deal. She had never worked with me. She was a new president. She was like, so good luck. Really cold. I could take back one conversation in the world, it would be that one. So I was like, okay, but, you know, I don't want to work with anyone. Like, I was just so needy, scared. My Showtime special was coming out. This is 2016, the machine. Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

That's the game changer.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, not yet. Here's what happened. I had the deal over at NBC. I lose interest in that. I'm kind of going through, I guess, what is depression. I find out. I mean, I don't know what depression feels like for real people, but my thing of it where it just sucks.

[Dax Shepard]

You went down to a 7.5 for a couple weeks.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah. I'm spending longer on the toilet than I normally do.

[Dax Shepard]

I was only able to sleep nine hours uninterrupted last night.

[Monica Padman]

I put a lot of chips in this special, the machine. I was like, this is gonna pop. They told me when I shot it, they're like, hey, can we do one version with your shirt on?

[Dax Shepard]

When did that start? You doing stand up with your shirt off?

[Monica Padman]

I couldn't tell you exactly. I would say probably 12 years ago. I was in Dayton, Ohio. It was not a sold room. It was like 75 people. And I was like, this is not where I want to be in life, let alone this actual, actual place. And Doc brought me a six pack of beer in a bucket, and he's like, have fun tonight. I heard it as good luck. And I thought, man, these people paid money. They don't deserve to see me get upset and say, I'm not happy. So I got on stage and Doc was in the booth. He was playing Ram Jam, Black Betty. The pacing to walk to stage is pretty awesome. And it fired me up. And I got up there and I went this. And I ripped my shirt off. 75 people went nuts. I think I murdered six beers in a row. Back to back to back to back to back. Because I kept looking at Doc. I go, one more. And the place was like, yeah. And it was a Thursday night night, one show.

[Dax Shepard]

You were like Steve Austin, Stone Cold.

[Monica Padman]

That energy. And it started that night. I've been doing it ever since.

[Dax Shepard]

So weird how you can stumble into these things that are such signature.

[Monica Padman]

I do the Showtime special shirtless. This is back when changing a channel was a thing for anyone listening. There was a thing you hold in your hand, and there's a plus and a minus sign, and you decide to go up a channel or down a channel if you didn't like what you saw.

[Dax Shepard]

And mostly you spent the entire two hours flicking. You never even watched a whole thing.

[Monica Padman]

This is the difference in media not to get too heady on. On this. When you had that remote in your hand, you were Caesar. You were thumbs up, thumbs down. So now the thing in traditional media where you have the remote in your hand and you're Caesar and a guy shirtless comes on stage and you go, oh, fuck. That click is the exact opposite on the Internet. You see a guy with your shirt off and you go, wait, what's that? And so I shot the machine. Lowest special they'd ever had on Showtime.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, no. They told you that? How did you even find that out?

[Monica Padman]

They told us. And they were like, you know, you could help to promote it. I was like, huh? And like, it's tracking to be the lowest we've ever done. Someone say this at the Oscars. Success in Hollywood means I get to work again. I get to keep working.

[Bert Kreischer]

Exactly.

[Monica Padman]

But this meant I might not keep working.

[Dax Shepard]

Last special you'll ever have.

[Monica Padman]

Now I look at my tour dates and I have no tickets sold. And they're like, you know, you got to fix this somehow. And I was like, oh, my God. Now, at the time, I was supposed to do a tour with Tommy. It was funny or die. I was supposed to do four weekends. Sebastian, Tommy, Fluffy, Dane, I think was on Eliza. It was going to be fun. I was getting paid $2,000 a weekend, which isn't bad money. And then they pulled my weekends. And I told Tom, and I was like, it's so crazy, man. They pull my weekends. And he was like, holy shit, man, that's a lot of money. And I went, well, it's only like $2,000. He goes, 2,000 a show? I said, no, 2,000 for the weekend. He goes, no, I think you got that wrong. I go, wait, what are you getting paid? Oh, no, with boys, right? And I was like, I don't know if I want to tell you. And I was like, why? And he goes, I'm afraid it'll fuck up our friendship. So I'm sitting there in my man cave. I'm like, all right, give me a second. I go, can I be happy for this man's success? And what's the price point where I can be happy, be happy? And where's the price point where I'm gonna be like, okay, that guy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

So my head. I go, if he's getting 20,000 for the weekend, I'm happy for him. I said, what are you getting? And he goes, I'm getting 20,000. I went, cool. And he goes, a show, a show, a show. I go, you're making 80 grand on these weekends. And he was like, I told you I didn't want to tell you. But I was like, I already decided. We're friends. So I'm like, okay, I'm cool. But then in that time time, we're doing a little podcast called Rogan, which at the time is not what it is today.

[Dax Shepard]

Meaning you are appearing on it.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah. And Rogan loves that we're fat shaming. So Tom and I go on, we talk about the fat shaming. He goes, why don't we do weigh ins at the end of the year, January 1st, 2nd and 3rd we'll do three sets of weigh ins. That's three episodes of Rogan back to back to back, where people are tuning in because we've talked about it. You guys do the weight loss challenge. See who loses the most weight in December. So I'm like, okay, my special bombed. So I'm trying to figure out how to rebound. I go, I know how to edit. Can you. I get the raw file of my special, and I edit out four clips to post on Facebook, Twitter. I've learned it all. I've learned how to make graphics. I write my own graphics. I post the machine story. December 27th, me and Tom go in to do weight loss challenges on the first and second. And during that week, the machine story goes viral. I'd never experienced anything like it. And that first week in Jersey at the stress factory weight staff raffle, that was the first club I sold out. And I said to them on Saturday night, I go, why are you guys here? And someone goes, the machine. And I go, I retired that. And he goes, the.

[Dax Shepard]

You did tell it.

[Monica Padman]

That's the only reason we're here.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

So I told the machine at that moment, 2017, that first weekend, January 8th, 9th, 10th, I sold out every show I've ever done.

[Dax Shepard]

God, that's only eight years ago.

[Monica Padman]

I got it late in life, which is the best thing that can happen.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, because you're so rich now.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, you're so rich, you can Google it.

[Dax Shepard]

I'm gonna. Okay, so really quick, I want to know. So you've since done, I guess, five standup specials. This will be your fourth on Netflix. You had the Showtime one. You had a couple on Comedy Central year when you tour, did you do a full tour last year?

[Monica Padman]

Yeah. Yeah. Last year was my arena tour.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, so how many dates did you do?

[Monica Padman]

I don't know. I do more dates than the average comic, which is fascinating because if you look at when they post all our earnings, you know, top 10 most earning comics.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

You look where I am, and you're like, wow, that's impressive. But then when you look at the other comics and you're like, oh, Chappelle only did 13 dates. You're like, that's not that impressive. That's the thing. It's, like, deceptive about those things.

[Dax Shepard]

Who cares? You can get it anyway.

[Monica Padman]

Who cares? But I work a lot. I always do Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Saturday, Sunday. Three weeks a month with maybe a week off. I would go out Wednesday, do first weekend.

[Dax Shepard]

So do you fly to meet your tour busy?

[Monica Padman]

My tour bus.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay.

[Monica Padman]

And then Monday, I'd fly to go see Tommy in Austin. We do podcast Tuesday, and then I leave Tuesday night to go meet the tour bus. I do another run. I then fly out to do more podcasts or fly back to DuPage and then go back out and meet my tour bus. Oh, my God, this schedule.

[Bert Kreischer]

This is a lot when you don't.

[Monica Padman]

Have anything, not say, I didn't have anything. But when you. You wanted the success, you wanted the fans, you wanted the opportunity to do standup all over the country and have people show up. When it shows up, you're like, I am not letting go of this. I look at, like, NFL players and they have all their great years when they're 22, 23, 24.

[Dax Shepard]

It's heartbreaking.

[Monica Padman]

I'm so lucky to have them at 49, 50, 51, 52 to a movie. And then you're getting all these opportunities. You just don't want to say no. You're like, fuck yeah, man, let's get after it.

[Dax Shepard]

And you don't feel overwhelmed by all those commitments?

[Monica Padman]

Overshare.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, please do.

[Monica Padman]

A year ago, we're closing on our festival, and the girls in the were.

[Dax Shepard]

Like, cut the shit.

[Monica Padman]

If I'm not mistaken, I think they had a bed for me at Betty Ford. Those are hard to come by, by the way.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

And had to talk with me. But they're like, dad, he can't stop working, he can't stop drinking, he can't stop eating. I was 285 pounds, and I saw it in me first. And I said to myself, let me get through this tour. And then I'm going to stop. I'm going to take some time off, and I'm going to clean my lifestyle up, and I'm going to still work. No booze, eat keto, lose weight. And what's crazy, crazy is randomly, a friend of ours was going a little harder than I was, and he took that bed, and no one said anything to me. But I had already quit drinking, like, 13 days before. Everyone was chomping at the bit to tell me, but I'd already got in front of it. And then I quit drinking for, like, three months. I lost £55, I got in really good shape, and I started touring again. I was doing it in a very healthy manner, but what was happening was, I've never really taken a break.

[Dax Shepard]

Don't you think it's also dangerous when you have this thing to lean on, which is like, something's working so well in your life? You're like, yeah, I'm drinking more than I should, but everything's going exactly how I would want. It's very hard to confront when everything's working.

[Monica Padman]

It's wildly difficult to tell someone that's bringing in millions of dollars that what.

[Dax Shepard]

They'Re doing isn't working.

[Monica Padman]

No one touches the golden goose, even if the golden goose bites you in the dick a couple times. But at the end of July, they were witnessing the same. I just shot my special. And they're like, what are you going to do? Are you going back on the road? And I'd planned a European. And they're like, dad, why don't you take some real time off? Get grounded. And I didn't understand that getting grounded meant getting really lost. In order to get grounded, you gotta be scared.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. With all the distractions gone and you have to sit with yourself.

[Monica Padman]

So I took a break. And in taking a break, I was like, yo, I'm very up. I need distractions. I need something in front of me. I need a goal. I need to sell some tickets. I gotta write a script. And my wife's like, no, no, you're not doing anything. You can do podcasts, but that's it. I've been off in a ditch trying to figure myself out. And then just recently, we got that bench press competition, all of a sudden, started writing. So I had a goal, I understood goals, and I was like, cool. And then I had a show, by the way.

[Dax Shepard]

You just have to set goals on the personal frontier. Like, you can still be goal driven.

[Bert Kreischer]

Just can't be externally motivated.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, they're all, for me, the creative frontier. I can set goals creatively, but, like, personally, I go, I don't know, man. My wife and I got in couples therapy. That helped immensely. We're not having a problem. We did it because I'm home for the first time. My girls are gone. It's me and her. We have a joke where when we wake up, instead of saying, I love you, she just goes, you again, huh? And so couples therapy started, really opening my eyes to some shit about me. I mean, I think he got me a couple's therapy just to get me into therapy.

[Bert Kreischer]

I know a few women who've done that.

[Dax Shepard]

He's not gonna go solo, so I guess I'll have to sit through his session.

[Monica Padman]

Dude, I smoked right on the first one.

[Dax Shepard]

Killed.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's intense.

[Monica Padman]

No, I smoked her. She lost so bad. I look at it win or lose. Yeah, of course, everything's competition. By the way, if she cries in couples therapy, that's A cheat. It's a cheat. Pretending fair catch and then catching and run. I go, yo, if you cry, God damn it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, that's your fault for not being able to sit through her crying.

[Monica Padman]

I said, this is kind of an unfair therapy because she's crying, she's unfair.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. It's like, that's my feeling.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, you want me to cry? I can easily whip up some tears.

[Dax Shepard]

Show me a commercial.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah. Let me tell you about Grateful Dead songs. But on the first therapy we were in there, Leanne just really loves therapy. She's talking and talking, and I'm just trying to feel it out. And I went, say something. Leanne cut me off. And the lady goes, do you ever let him talk? And I was like, take the win. I was like, I'm just gonna sit back in the cut. And I go, seldomly, you've been with me for what, an hour? And I might let you say a word.

[Bert Kreischer]

So you were playing a game.

[Monica Padman]

She smoked me a couple times.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, good.

[Monica Padman]

And I know this next week I'm definitely going to fucking lose. I'm going in, just taking a knee.

[Dax Shepard]

Because she's got some real things to report.

[Bert Kreischer]

What'd you do?

[Monica Padman]

It was a good one. I can't even talk about it because I got to let it happen first and then run it by Leanne because it was a real one and it wasn't my fault, but I was like, I don't know. But it was. I really wish I was. I mean, we brought it up in front of friends the other day, and it started again, and I went, oh. I was like, okay, maybe I can't make a joke out of this. One can make a joke out of everything. Like, my daughter got her period. I talked about it on stage.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, what is the vibe at home? Because almost all your stories involve your wife and your girls, and you do an impression of your wife. It varies wildly throughout the show, and you acknowledge it. How comfortable are they? What's that dynamic? Like?

[Monica Padman]

It's interesting. When I started doing standup and using social media, it wasn't a thing. Yet there was no chance of your family seeing. No one was doing specials, just on the road talking about your family.

[Dax Shepard]

That's right.

[Monica Padman]

And the harder it went, the funnier it went. I remember telling the first joke I told that caught traction. George and Isla were laughing one morning, early in the morning. I said, what are you guys doing? They're like, you guys see Baby Isla's new trick? I go, what is it? She's like, it's not that funny. If I tell you, you got to see it. I said, okay. So Isla is three at the time, takes her finger, shoves it up her ass, and puts it in the dog's mouth.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, my.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah. Wow.

[Dax Shepard]

They figured that out.

[Monica Padman]

It turned into a good bit, and I told it. And then, by the way, I go to do a special. They're only like five and seven. Tell it again.

[Bert Kreischer]

They're not going to hear it.

[Monica Padman]

And then do another one. And then they're 7 and 10, and then they're 10 and 13. And the first it bit me in the ass was the period party. I mean, it's like such a good bit. It writes itself. I didn't have to do anything. It was presented to me as a banger on a silver platter. 13 years old, kid gets her period at school, calls dad and says, hey, go to the store and get a red velvet cake. I'm throwing a period party tonight. I'm like, okay. So I tell it on Conan.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, she didn't like that.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, boy.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, anytime schoolmates can get wind of it, that's what you don't want them to have to deal with.

[Monica Padman]

Conan walks in and he's like, hey, man, how are the girls? I said, good, good. And I said, I just got a period. And he went, oh. I said, yeah, you're telling me. I go, we had a period party. And he was like, wait, what? And I tell him the story. He goes, whoa, whoa, whoa. Save it. Can you tell it on stage? And I was like, yeah, yeah. Because you're like, you want to do well. Yes.

[Dax Shepard]

You want to make Conan happy.

[Monica Padman]

And then that night is. Watched it. How are your girls? Good. I just got her period. She had paused. She goes, do people watch this? Oh, no. I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. She was like, how many? I said, a lot. She was like, will people in my school see this? And I was like, yeah, probably. She was like, wait, let me see the.

[Dax Shepard]

Take it back.

[Monica Padman]

And then I was like, oh, my God. She was fine. I could tell something was off. And then the next morning, Leanne was like, isla, I need you to see something. And it was flood of emails of little girls going, thank you. You're my hero. Thank you so much for sharing.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, so it had a positive ending.

[Monica Padman]

I just got my period today. My dad's doing a period party for me.

[Dax Shepard]

I put my finger in my hands, then put it in the red velvet cake, and then the dog ate it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah. I think that's much worse than the period that's three. You can get away with that at three.

[Monica Padman]

And then the last special or maybe the one before, she had a line that I wanted to use so bad, it was so good.

[Dax Shepard]

You ran it by her and she.

[Monica Padman]

Said, no, I didn't even run it by her. She saw my set. The girls now come and vet my set.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, okay, okay, that's fair.

[Bert Kreischer]

They've learned.

[Monica Padman]

They were at the forum with notebooks going, nope. She was like, hey, you can't put that in the special. I go, but you said it. She goes, I know I said it to you. She goes, I can't be the person that said that out loud to everybody.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

And I was like, baby, I'll give you 20 grand. She was like, no. And I just kept going.

[Bert Kreischer]

Good for her.

[Monica Padman]

Leanne. Initially, when I was doing it at the Forum, I'd done so much of this shit about Leanne that it kind of came out angry.

[Dax Shepard]

Ish.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, angry. Yeah. And they were like, yo, dad, you're losing your smile in this joke. And then my director said that to me and my best friend who produces my specials, he was, yeah, man, the smile's gone. Like, I think you've been doing it too much. You need to stop and then find it again. And so I got the smile back for it because I talk shit about a 54 who almost threw up saying it. 54 year old woman. If you don't make that fun. It does sound like you're shitting on women agents.

[Dax Shepard]

We need to know at all times you're deeply in love with.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's a fine line to walk.

[Monica Padman]

My danger isn't politics and my danger isn't racial shit. And they may have been at times in my career. I mean, I have a political joke in the special, but I don't give a. No one's going to leave me for it.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, you'll love it. He takes a very pro choice stance on behalf of.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, well, you're not going to love it. Love it. Yeah, yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

You're going to also dislike some of it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, cool, cool, cool.

[Monica Padman]

So you actually watched the special?

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, yeah, I watched it last night.

[Monica Padman]

Of course.

[Dax Shepard]

Thank you.

[Monica Padman]

Thank you.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, so I love Bert Kreischer, finder of things. This is your self proclaimed identity marker. And I think this is the funniest trait to have. How does one come to this realization that this is your knack?

[Monica Padman]

It's a little bit of delusion. When I was 14 years old, we were in Anna Maria Island. I was with the Lazzara family. We were in chest high water. And Benny Lazzara said, oh, shit, I just lost my ring. And I went, really? And I had this feeling that God whispered in my ear, you'll find it. And I swear to God, I went over to where he was, I put my foot down and I stood on his ring.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wow.

[Dax Shepard]

And you're a hero.

[Monica Padman]

I went underwater and I grabbed it. And this is my thing. I love the sparkle. I said, uncle Benny, what are you gonna say to me if I say I have your ring in my hand right now? He said, I'll tell you right now if you are holding my ring in your hand, you are my favorite child in this water and I love you more than my sons.

[Dax Shepard]

Great.

[Monica Padman]

Boom. And he went, how the fuck did you do that? And I go, I don't know. And my whole life I've been able to do that my fucking whole life. If you lose something, I have a weird confidence where I just go, I'll find it. And by the way, also, I'll put in the work to find it. Some people go, oh, let's look. And then they don't really look. And I go, you're not really committed to this finding?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Oh my God.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, and you have to, because it's now an identity marker. If you don't find it, you don't know who you are.

[Monica Padman]

Now I'm going to tell you, this is a wild one. Fifteen years ago, back when SeaWorld was acceptable to people, we went to SeaWorld San Diego when you could go guilt free. Yeah. You were like, that was cool. Shamu rocks.

[Dax Shepard]

He looked happy.

[Monica Padman]

Since we don't have Shamu, have you known noticed the orcas are acting up a little bit.

[Dax Shepard]

You think they want.

[Monica Padman]

I think they might have found out what we did and they're not afraid of us anymore.

[Dax Shepard]

Interesting. There's a lot of theories out there, but we have not considered that. Shamu, when told everybody, it's like, remember.

[Monica Padman]

Your friend who lights a cigarette in his bedroom? You're like, what are you doing? She's like, that won't do to me anymore. I'm 15. What's she gonna say? You little lady? And that's the orcas. They're like spoiled rotten rich kids.

[Dax Shepard]

They're like, wait, we're bigger and smarter than these people.

[Monica Padman]

Anyway, we go to SeaWorld and we're walking through the parking lot and I find a diamond ring with an engravement in it. And I go, well, that's crazy. So I'm going to give this back.

[Bert Kreischer]

To the person I'm going to find the person that this is.

[Monica Padman]

And Leanne said, honey, I call SeaWorld and I go, lost and found. They go, yeah, yeah, no one reported ring. Just drop it off. I go, no, no, no, because I don't trust you guys.

[Dax Shepard]

I already see what you're doing. You're not a house of ethics here.

[Monica Padman]

By the way, Twitter's not even around yet. Probably a year later, I post a clip, I hold onto this ring. I'm like, hey, I found a ring of SeaWorld. It's got an engravement. It's rubies and a diamond. It's a really nice ring and it's expensive. And I go, if you lost this ring, find me. My daughter comes in, she's young, she's dressed as a kitty cat. It's a cute video. Radio silence at one point. We're really low on money, and Leanne goes, if we sell this ring, it could get us out of the hole. And I said, that's not our ring to sell. That's someone's ring that I'm holding until I give it to them.

[Dax Shepard]

This is like a George Costanza type storyline.

[Monica Padman]

Delusional.

[Dax Shepard]

It's very endearing.

[Monica Padman]

I go on podcast, I talk about the ring. I talk about the fucking ring everywhere. I have this ring. I'm pretending to hold it in my hand right now, 20, 27 years later, my wife calls and says, someone reached out about the ring.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, my God.

[Monica Padman]

I said, for real? She goes, yeah. She says it's her mother's ring. She knows the inscription and she lives in San Diego and she would like to come to your show. I have a show there. And if she gives you the right inscription, then it's obviously her ring. This woman comes up with her husband, she's emotional and she goes, I think you have my mother's ring. What's the inscription? She goes, the inscription is in cursive. It's LH+dot. Those are my parents initials. I go, here's your mother's ring.

[Dax Shepard]

You didn't make her go, what are you going to say if I. Because you like to do that part. You like a lot of acclaim.

[Monica Padman]

I go, here's your mother's ring. Do you think your mother would be happy that I gave you her ring back?

[Dax Shepard]

So a little bit of that.

[Monica Padman]

She looks at me and she goes, my mother was a. Oh, oh, my God. She goes, I swear to God, she died and she gave me this one ring and I hated my mother and I was at SeaWorld and it fell out of my Purse. And I said, she fucking lost this ring because she hated me and she wanted to prove me a lesson. And I go, really? I go, what are you gonna do with the ring now? She goes, I'm gonna fucking sell it. And I went, wow, you could have sold the goddamn ring. You could have helped us kids could have gone to private school.

[Dax Shepard]

Wow, what a turn almost. If she said, like, I threw that away in a parking lot so I'd never hear about it or see it again.

[Bert Kreischer]

I didn't want to be reminded of her. Yes, and you keep talking about it.

[Monica Padman]

I have always found shit. You know what I'm doing to promote this special? And my wife thinks I'm a lunatic. I see pennies all the time. I always pick up pennies.

[Dax Shepard]

Look, this is the 8 year old inside of you.

[Monica Padman]

If you can get me into a game, you have burnt loss for the day. I'm set. So I got $100 worth of pennies. That's a lot of pennies.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, my God, it's too many pennies. 10,000 pennies.

[Monica Padman]

I'm throwing them all over the city. I put them in front of people's cars. So when they go to their car, they're like, hey, good luck. I don't know if it works or.

[Bert Kreischer]

Not, but maybe that's a nice gesture. I like that.

[Monica Padman]

If you can gamify life. Come on.

[Dax Shepard]

Stay tuned for more Armchair experts, if you dare. At this point, what generates more income for you, doing standup or the podcast?

[Monica Padman]

Stand up. I go back on tour. I haven't announced it, but I'll say it. I have a new tour called Permission to Party, which you came up with.

[Dax Shepard]

In an interview you were doing.

[Monica Padman]

I did. I was talking to this guy and he goes, I'm kind of confused. I've been to one of your shows. These guys are taking their shirts off and they're not in great shape. And they're watching the whole show shirtless. And they're women with their wives and they're getting hammered. And he's like, why you? And I said this for real? I was like, I've always given people permission to party. I've always been the guy that like a kid's birthday party, they're like, yo, are you gonna ask for beer? Because we're all winning a beer Sunday morning. No one wants to be here.

[Dax Shepard]

I had the same role. I would always show up at my friend's house with a six pack and they were like, oh, this is great. You brought a six pack. We're doing this like Yes, I would go first all the time.

[Monica Padman]

I love it. I wasn't going to drink this weekend so I was like, I'm going to get ready for the month. We just flown in from Spain. Saturday, it's 4:00. It's a beautiful Saturday. Remember Saturday was a good one.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, it got really warm.

[Monica Padman]

Dan goes, I could have a glass of rose now. I'll never say no to a glass of rose ever in my life. If I get sober, if you offer me Ros, I'll still drink it. Yeah, I love Ros?

[Bert Kreischer]

It's a good one.

[Monica Padman]

Oh my God. Creeps up on you so quick.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, the pandemic. We drank so much.

[Monica Padman]

I drank so much rose during the pandemic. At one point I go, am I just drinking perfume?

[Dax Shepard]

Can I tell you how much Ros they drank? Cuz we all hung out here. There's a liquor store that's two and a half blocks away and I would get on my motorcycle and we started this thing where they would time me to see how fast I could arrive back at the house with four bottles of Ros?

[Monica Padman]

Hold on. Am I finding my people?

[Dax Shepard]

The final one was sub two minutes. It was like a minute and 45, I was back and then I got back, I was like, I got to.

[Monica Padman]

Call it at that.

[Dax Shepard]

I ran the red light. I was going 95 miles an hour on Franklin. I left the gate open so I could blow in.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's how bad we needed it. We sent an alcoholic to go pick.

[Dax Shepard]

Up our wine on a motorcycle.

[Monica Padman]

Can I tell you what I just discovered this year? Campari spritz.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't know if I like Campari. I'm going to have to try it.

[Monica Padman]

Campari tastes a little earthier. So when I was a kid, there was a commercial Campari on us. Oh, so nice. And I remember going, o, I want to get into Campari as a kid. What is Campari?

[Dax Shepard]

Is that a brand or a type of alcohol?

[Monica Padman]

It's a aperitif, I think, and it's basically liqueur, but it's got a very earthy, earthy taste to it. 2 parts Prosecco, 2 parts Campari, Splash of soda water.

[Dax Shepard]

Wow. I think you should make that tonight.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm going to Sunset Tower tonight and so maybe can you.

[Monica Padman]

Can I. Okay. Can we start a game?

[Bert Kreischer]

Sure.

[Monica Padman]

Because once again, if you gamify life, this will be so fun. We got to do a three way text because I can't text. It's creepy.

[Dax Shepard]

If I'm like, what are you, the old Vice president. What's his name?

[Monica Padman]

Pence.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

In a room with a woman other than his wife. Unless someone else is present, to be very clear.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, you are. I never. But we should do a group text. Group text where we text each other what to drink. Maybe we're emotional cheating in that. Then I'm like, yeah, I want to be where she is. Yeah, you'd be like, oh, I killed.

[Dax Shepard]

Her that they don't have that at my bar.

[Monica Padman]

What bar are you at?

[Dax Shepard]

Yes.

[Monica Padman]

I had a very attractive female comic. She goes, you know, I really like you. And I was like, thanks. She's like, I feel like we connect. And I go, we kind of do. She was like, would you be my drinking buddy? Sometimes I want to go get a drink. I. I don't want to get hit on. And I kind of just want to have a buddy that I can talk with and talk about comedy. Would you be my drinking buddy? And I was like, yeah. So one night, my home and leanne, it's like 8:00 at night, and I get a call from her. I go, hey, what's up? She goes, hey, I'm going out. You want to come meet me up? I was like, yeah, done. And I hit it. I go, hey, I got to go. She's like, what's going on? I was like, what's your name? Said, we're going to go out. And Leanne's like, are you on a date? And I go, no, just me and her. It's like, we're going to drink. And Leanne's like, hold on. You're not going out drinking with just a random woman. I go, it's not a random woman. I've known her for eight years. We connect. I had to call her back and go, my wife won't let me come. Yeah, I'll tell you a person for real. She admit this? She'd make fun of me for saying this. Whitney Cummings and I have a real connection as comics, almost like brother and sister. She is really close with my daughters. Really close. My wife. But I will tell you this, and this is my perspective. Or more importantly, it's Leanne and her boyfriend Chris's perspective. If we go out on a double date, Whitney and I just take off on our own. We went to the Greek to go see Sturgil, and both of them were looking at us like, are you guys together? Are we going to be here? And then we went to her kid's birthday party and Whitney and I just took off.

[Dax Shepard]

Now, let me ask you this. Though, because my wife is so grateful for that. I have several friends that are female that I get on with like that. And my wife is like, oh, my God, Thank God I don't have to receive all of his energy tonight. It's on someone else's plate, and he needs to talk so fucking much, and I don't want to talk that much. She's, like, grateful for it.

[Monica Padman]

Leanne. I'm trying to bite my tongue because I'm trying to say, like, the first time Leanne saw me and Whitney hang out, and now Whitney is like a sister to me. And I mean that for real. My daughters call her Aunt Whitney.

[Dax Shepard]

You got her name tattooed on your back.

[Monica Padman]

You're bros. Yeah, we went to Dr. Woo. Whatever. My wife's like, you can't ignore it because you guys are good together. So she's like, if you have a show, you need to hire her as your wife or your sister. You need to work together.

[Dax Shepard]

Yes.

[Monica Padman]

She was like, but remember, your chemistry is just funny. She's like, if you fucked her, she wouldn't like it.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, don't get confused.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, don't get confused. I really, honestly love Whitney like a sister.

[Dax Shepard]

So you. You text her, right? Obviously, you're not only on three way texts.

[Monica Padman]

I gotta be honest with you. I bet it's a three way text. Wow. But, you know, also, I don't read text, so, like, a lot of people go, if I'm gonna text Bert, I'll text Leanne too.

[Bert Kreischer]

I guess the four of us could be on a text.

[Monica Padman]

No, we couldn't do it. It couldn't be one on one because it would turn into emotional cheating.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay. All right.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay. I gotta trust you, but I am gonna have a martini tonight, so I am telling you now that is what I'm gonna be doing.

[Monica Padman]

Okay, let's play the game. Just live then.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, live.

[Monica Padman]

Okay. Tell me what to drink, and I'll tell you what to drink. And this got to be the first drink you have.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, this is a fun game.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes.

[Monica Padman]

Have you had for that?

[Bert Kreischer]

I have. That's a.

[Monica Padman]

It's an aperitif too, I think so. My buddy Mark Smalls always has a shot of frenette to start the night.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh.

[Monica Padman]

And it turned into a fun thing where we'd all have a shot of fornette and no one really enjoys for net. But if you drink for net enough, you start to enjoy the fact that you don't like it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, get me on a new one. All right.

[Monica Padman]

It's a fun way to take the thinking out of it. Just walk up and go, shot a Fernette, please.

[Dax Shepard]

You're already trying to limit the amount of drinks that you like, so the notion of making yourself like one that you don't like is really fun.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm going, but okay, I'm telling you, your drink. And you should invite your wife in to do this. You should make this for both of you.

[Monica Padman]

No, it's just me and you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, cool. Great. A bee's knees.

[Monica Padman]

Don't even tell me what it is.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you know what it is?

[Monica Padman]

Can I tell you? Kind of the fun of this is going, can I get a bee's knees, please?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh.

[Monica Padman]

And then sipping it and going, oh, she knows me so well.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, great.

[Dax Shepard]

But do they know it everywhere?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, if you go to a good place, they'll know it.

[Monica Padman]

I like a Brandy Alexander and a pack of palm oil.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. Yeah. Well, Bert, you're a goddamn delight. We really did it. Just like when I was on yours. We went for it. We went hard.

[Monica Padman]

I'm so glad that I get eat my words and say, I'm so happy you got into podcasting.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, thank you.

[Monica Padman]

I'm being serious, man. If for nothing. I've said this to you before. People have brought this up to me about what a great, great episode. And I'm the same way. Live by the sword, die by the sword, where I'm 100% honest. Maybe I'm over honest. Maybe I overshare. But when you talked about falling off the wagon, I remember where I was when I listened to it. I remember just how vulnerable it was and how cool it was to hear someone take accountability. And the car conversation you got, it was just incredible. I think it was during the pandemic.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

And I was in the pool listening to it. Only real podcast listeners, us Die Hards, know the feeling when you've got a phone and you're just right there, and you're with every word, and someone's like, hey, can I. You go, hang on, stop. I'm in the middle of something. And they're like, what? I'm like, my friend Dax fell off the. I know him so well.

[Dax Shepard]

He just flushed 16 years of sobriety.

[Monica Padman]

Shut the up. It's crazy. I said, when I first met Rogan, I'd listened to so much of the podcast, he invited me to do the podcast. I went to his house. I go, I know this guy. He's like my buddy. And I never met him. I was like, hey. Hey, man. He's like, it's good to meet you. And I was like, I know you. He was like, what? I was like, I need to meet your dogs, and you see a deprivation tank. I want to play a game of pool. I want to get high, and then I'll be ready. I go, look, man, I'm a big fan. I need to get this out.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's an interesting, fun relationship. Podcasters and their listeners.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

All right, well, everyone, check out Lucky. It's on Netflix. Couldn't be easier for you to consume. It's hilarious. I really adore you. I'm really glad that we got to do each other's shows.

[Monica Padman]

I am, too.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. You're such a sweet boy. Boy. Truly. You're such. This is, like a big old heart in you, and I love it.

[Monica Padman]

Well, I think it's just because I drink a lot. Enlarged.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, it is probably enlarged, but it's also very sweet. All right, so everyone watch Lucky, and we'll do this again. I can't wait. He is an armchair expert, but he makes mistakes all the time. Thank God Monica's here. She's gotta let him have the facts. I loved that show.

[Bert Kreischer]

So did I. I loved it. I loved anything that was, like, inside, inside information into the lives of celebrities. So wild.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. I loved Cribs and, you know, so nosy. I wanted to know how everyone lived, what their style was, how big their house was, what kind of cars they had. But you know what else was fun about Cribs is like, they would do, like, an LA actor.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

And they had, like, an okay house. Right. Anytime they were in Atlanta for, like, a rapper or a basketball player, everyone had, like, 10,000 square foot houses on acreage and then huge driveways full of cars. I'm like, oh, yeah. It's a lot more bang for your buck in other places.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's true. I wasn't thinking like that back then.

[Dax Shepard]

You weren't?

[Bert Kreischer]

So I was just a little girl.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. That's our age difference. How old were you when you were watching? Made you uncomfortable because so many of them were set up for partying. It was all about, like, okay, you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Don'T even know me.

[Dax Shepard]

Some of these places had dance clubs in them.

[Bert Kreischer]

I used to booty bump. You don't even.

[Dax Shepard]

Not at 8.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay. I think I was older than that. Let's see, when Cribs came out.

[Dax Shepard]

That's. When was it?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, that's not a good Google, because you know what it says?

[Dax Shepard]

You know who's got a great episode of Cribs? Maybe the best? Rosenbaum.

[Bert Kreischer]

Really?

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, yeah. He had Someone, like, hiding under the sheets in the bedroom when they were looking at the bedroom. And then the guy jumped out of the bed.

[Bert Kreischer]

Mariah Carey also had one.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, hers was infamous. More than it was because she seemed a little unstable. She, like, took a bath during her episode.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, there was.

[Dax Shepard]

I remember a bath a guy did that. He'd go to jail.

[Bert Kreischer]

Probably not then.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, you're right.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay. Yeah. Premiered in 2000. 2000. So I was 12. 12, but you were a lot older.

[Dax Shepard]

I was 24. I was ready to go to one of those nightclubs in the house.

[Bert Kreischer]

It is so crazy how age starts to mean nothing, but when you're young. It is. This is. This is just real proof that I'm older. No, no, that, like these. When people are like, oh, it's not that big of a deal if, like this 16 year old is. It is. Like, when I think about being the age, I was watching Cribs.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then being 24. Yeah, wildly.

[Dax Shepard]

Who is your favorite? What are your favorite episodes of Crips?

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, I need to see.

[Dax Shepard]

Do top. I'm going to do 10 best episodes of Cribs. It's funny to me now, mind you, I got to remember everyone that participated in Cribs was in their 20s, pretty much.

[Bert Kreischer]

Richard Branson, they did his island.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, I remember that one.

[Bert Kreischer]

Private island.

[Dax Shepard]

Yes. 10 best houses on MTV Cribs. Lil Wayne.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, my God. They did Beyonce.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, God. Lil Wayne. He has a, like a plastic hot tub in the dead middle of his living room.

[Monica Padman]

A lot of athletes.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. Mariah Carey, interpreter. Bathtub. As we discussed Shaq.

[Bert Kreischer]

That was Orlando.

[Dax Shepard]

I remember Shaq's house. Y. Tony Hawk, Russell Simmons. That was an older man.

[Bert Kreischer]

I saw that one.

[Dax Shepard]

Y. Yeah, that's a huge mansion.

[Bert Kreischer]

And Wilmer Valderrama.

[Dax Shepard]

Yes. He did his. Oh, the Playboy Mansion. Did a Cribs. Aaron Carter. That's an infamous one. Yeah. 50 Cent.

[Bert Kreischer]

All right. IP right.

[Dax Shepard]

Who? Oh, I think so.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's sad.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. Branson H. I wish they'd bring it back. But anyways, would you do it? No, no, no, no. But I remember as soon as I owned a house thinking like, oh, no, God, no. I don't want anyone to see where I live.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't have that.

[Dax Shepard]

Are you going to do an episode when your house is done?

[Bert Kreischer]

Not Cribs, but I do.

[Dax Shepard]

I mean, you would do architecture.

[Bert Kreischer]

The advanced version is Architectural Digest Home tours, which I love.

[Dax Shepard]

I love looking at them, but I wouldn't participate in one. You got a smell.

[Bert Kreischer]

Something's going on.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh.

[Bert Kreischer]

Have you ever had a smell in your nose?

[Dax Shepard]

Did you cook fish in your apartment last night?

[Monica Padman]

No.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay. As you're prone to do sometimes when.

[Bert Kreischer]

You just get a smell in your nose, you can't get it out. I don't sm. I don't smell it on me. But I was. I'm really panicked.

[Dax Shepard]

This is. Remember we learned some people's OCD is that they are scared of smell?

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay. They did 19 seasons of Cribs.

[Monica Padman]

Whoa.

[Bert Kreischer]

But they're probably three a year.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

They had a break from 2010 to 2021. Okay.

[Dax Shepard]

So 2010. Yeah. So I could have definitely participated. I think I was even asked.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

As an.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm sure. Yeah, exactly. You would have been perfect for them. But you didn't have, like a bath. You don't have things.

[Dax Shepard]

I had an average house.

[Bert Kreischer]

You would show your cars, I guess, your motorcycles mostly.

[Monica Padman]

What?

[Bert Kreischer]

It would probably in the posters of yourself in the garage.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, they're in the garage.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, they were in the house, remember?

[Dax Shepard]

Not posters. Bad. Still bad. I can own it. But a lot of stills from the movies.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, is there. Can I see one? What do you mean stills?

[Dax Shepard]

Like, there's an on set photographer and there's a picture of me and Luke Wilson in Idiocracy in a scene. And it's. I like the photo.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. And so I had a lot of.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't know if that's that bad, actually.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Post. I thought it was.

[Dax Shepard]

Like there was posters everywhere.

[Bert Kreischer]

Is that it?

[Dax Shepard]

I do have that photo, but that wasn't the one I had on display. Look at my hair.

[Bert Kreischer]

Look at you. You look so little. You look just like Lincoln.

[Dax Shepard]

It's crazy, but look at my hairdo. Go ahead.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, you just. I mean, I noticed this when we watched. When we did. Without a pad, without a paddle. You just look so different.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like your face has changed.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Isn't that weird? Yeah, like, I. Obviously everyone gets older, but your face is. Is different, I think.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. Yeah, I agree. I think my neck is a lot thicker, which I think changes the whole look of your face. Oh, that's like one of the big things I notice, like when I'm watching Parenthood or something. Oh, yeah. My neck was. So. Was half the size of my neck now.

[Bert Kreischer]

You look different.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, but is it bad that I look so different?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, I don't think it's bad at all. I think. Yeah, you're more like you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You just look.

[Dax Shepard]

Cause in Idiocracy I was fat. Like, I gained a Bunch of weight really quickly.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

Like 37 pounds.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

And then this was months after. And so now I'm like. I'm halfway back to me being thin, which I always was on Parenthood.

[Bert Kreischer]

This looks Parenthood.

[Dax Shepard]

Yes. That's Parenthood. And I'm like, 185 there in the thur. I'm probably, like, 200. And then in Idiocracy, I'm 220.

[Bert Kreischer]

Can you, Rob, pull up? When in Rome.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, look.

[Bert Kreischer]

Closest to your current body, but not.

[Dax Shepard]

I was so thin. Like, my way of getting ripped then was the traditional approach, which is, like, get really cut, and you'll look big. So I was, like, 169, 170. For the, like, modeling shoot stuff.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah. Look at.

[Dax Shepard]

I look like a monoz.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wow. You do look really thin.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. Look, Ozempic.

[Bert Kreischer]

I want to see a front face.

[Dax Shepard]

Rob, can you pull up? This probably sucks. If you're listening, you can start Googling all this stuff.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. And also go to YouTube to watch us.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. Like, I look similar from a distance, but I'm so much lighter there. I'm. I'm a full 30 pounds lighter there.

[Bert Kreischer]

Your face looks.

[Dax Shepard]

My bottom lip looks super big.

[Bert Kreischer]

Because I think sticking it out there.

[Dax Shepard]

I think it's just the light is interesting. Well, this is a real fun retro retrospective. Yeah. Well, that watch I'm wearing. This is a bad story. I don't actually know. You want to tell it?

[Bert Kreischer]

Wait, you have to now.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, God.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

I don't really want to say in public, because people.

[Bert Kreischer]

Anyways, what happened?

[Dax Shepard]

We were trying. I wanted to look douchey. That was my goal for this character.

[Bert Kreischer]

I was an underwear model playing. Underwear model. Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

Yes. Really into himself.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

And so when we had the meeting with, like, what kind of jewelry and watches I would wear.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

They just kept handing me different watches, and then they handed me the one I'm wearing in that photo, and I go, oh, my God, this is perfect. It's.

[Bert Kreischer]

You didn't.

[Dax Shepard]

I'm gonna let you finish.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay. Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

Fill in what happened.

[Bert Kreischer]

Of course you were like, this is perfect.

[Dax Shepard]

It's so douchey.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then what happened?

[Dax Shepard]

It was someone's personal watch that had taken it off and just handed it in the pile.

[Bert Kreischer]

No.

[Monica Padman]

Yes.

[Dax Shepard]

And I. I felt so bad.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, my God. Why would they do that?

[Dax Shepard]

I don't know. Oh, because. Yes. It was a little bit of a trap because we knew everyone in the room knew why we were doing what we were doing. And then it was just handed to me, and I was like, yes. Oh, I. I still at night, think about that. I feel terrible about that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Did he cry?

[Dax Shepard]

It's kind of a cool watch though, now that I'm looking at it. I was. Well, anyways, moving, Moving onward anyways.

[Bert Kreischer]

That is a horrible thing you did. On accident. On accident. This will happen.

[Dax Shepard]

I have way more of those than most people, I think, or at least no one tells me their stories about.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, I know. It's because you aren't very censored. Correct. And I think you've gotten much more censored.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

So back then, of course, this is the douchiest. Watch me, I'm puking.

[Dax Shepard]

But wait, no, you remember you. You thought I was a lot, but. But then you watched Idiocracy or I mean, you watched without a pail and you said, oh, you still were sweet back then. Isn't that your conclusion? But you had thought maybe I wasn't because I was using drugs and alcohol.

[Bert Kreischer]

Right. I just think. Don't you think you've tamed instead of gone the other way over time?

[Dax Shepard]

For sure, yeah. Yeah. I tell less fight stories.

[Bert Kreischer]

Anyone who's been in your life for a lot, way before for me, when says that.

[Dax Shepard]

Yes, yes. But I think maybe you thought I wasn't sweet back then, but I think I was still sweet.

[Bert Kreischer]

You were sweet, but I don't think. Do you think you were like, I'm really you. You just weren't walking through life feeling like I might hurt someone's feelings.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, I wasn't thinking that. But when I did, I felt like this. This situation I still think about.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. You weren't like, well, 20 years ago.

[Dax Shepard]

And I'm like, oh, God, what a terrible.

[Bert Kreischer]

Did you say I'm sorry in the moment?

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

You did?

[Dax Shepard]

Yes. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, that probably made it probably.

[Dax Shepard]

What do you do, though? What was I to do?

[Bert Kreischer]

You'd say, actually, I don't even know if this is the right one because it actually is pretty cool.

[Dax Shepard]

I think an apology is better than placate like trying. Trying to lie at that point. You're doing an about face.

[Bert Kreischer]

I do an about face.

[Dax Shepard]

You would.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah. Because I think they'll choose to believe the nice thing because it hurts to believe the bad thing.

[Dax Shepard]

Do you know, when I think of pretty often, I accidentally. Accidentally was, oh, God, it pains me to bring these up. This one's not going to bother you as much, but to me it's rough. But someone's wife had gotten a new car.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Dax Shepard]

And before we got to what kind it was, I Started making fun of the old RAV4.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Dax Shepard]

Because they look kind of like a Fisher Price car. The old one.

[Bert Kreischer]

Because you're still doing it.

[Dax Shepard]

Crazy how it looks.

[Bert Kreischer]

Cali had a RAV4. We used to cruise around it.

[Dax Shepard]

I think it was the second best. I think I just. It's like the second or third best selling car in America.

[Bert Kreischer]

You either had a RAV4, a CR.

[Dax Shepard]

V. You had a CRV.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

I hadn't seen the new one. The new one looks way better. Is a very good looking vehicle. But I went on a little thing about how bad the RAV4 was. And. And then my friend said that's what she got. And I was like, oh my. I felt so bad. And then I was like, this is.

[Bert Kreischer]

Worse than the watch.

[Dax Shepard]

That. Look at that vehicle. That looks like a Play DOH car.

[Monica Padman]

A wind up car.

[Dax Shepard]

Right, A wind up car. I stand by my aesthetic assessment of the old race. That picture, it looks like something Ziggy would drive. Remember the cartoon Ziggy?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. No, I don't. But that picture is a very visual episode. Yeah, I know. Okay. The RAV4. I have so many great memories of Cali's RAV4.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, it's a great car. Very dependable. Everyone who's currently in one right now, I love it. But boy, they had just gotten a new car.

[Monica Padman]

Car.

[Dax Shepard]

And I was bagging.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's bad.

[Dax Shepard]

That was really bad. And I felt bad. And I still feel bad. Then I saw the new one and I'm like, I'm. I love the new one. And I don't know if my friend bought it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, you. You said that?

[Dax Shepard]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

So you did about face.

[Dax Shepard]

I did. And. Which was your recommendation with the watch. But this one was actually sincere. And I think even the sincere version didn't work. Didn't work.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you feel bad enough to like get them a new car? Yeah, yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

If that would erase the whole thing for sure. And if I could buy the other person a new watch and erase it. Oh, no, I would do it. This is. There's a whole gray area where like it would never make a ninth step. Naa.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

I'm not gonna go make an amends.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, well, if it's bothering you.

[Dax Shepard]

Well. And I said sorry on the day about have to watch. But I just. I just think about it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

And I would love to figure out how to not think about it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. That's how I feel about that girl.

[Dax Shepard]

Which. Oh, wait, I kind of remember.

[Bert Kreischer]

With the mole. It's a worst story. It's the. It's the worst thing I've ever done.

[Dax Shepard]

We make mistakes.

[Bert Kreischer]

I know.

[Dax Shepard]

We really do make mistakes.

[Bert Kreischer]

We really do.

[Dax Shepard]

Speaking of children, we just came from the most life of affirming event.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

The rainbow run.

[Bert Kreischer]

Delta had a rainbow run.

[Dax Shepard]

The rainbow run. She was so excited. She was up very early. She wanted to do a top knot for her running. And she painted a rainbow on her cheek.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes.

[Dax Shepard]

I don't know if that was a transfer tattoo or painted on.

[Bert Kreischer]

If she painted that, that's really impressive.

[Dax Shepard]

So cute. Right on her cheek. A big rainbow.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

And she's in a little jumper. Oh my God. And we watch her run around and, and all the little kids run around.

[Bert Kreischer]

They basically run in a circle for 10 minutes each class.

[Dax Shepard]

And then they've raised money per lap.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

And I'm there to see Delta first, but really close second is Freddy because he runs like a Delta Freddy who I want to adopt.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. He's really a cool, cool kid.

[Dax Shepard]

The coolest. I don't know how someone just, just born that way.

[Bert Kreischer]

I know you. You like ran out there to high five him. Like you wanted his approval, of course.

[Dax Shepard]

And he high five me the first time. And then on the second lamp, I ran out and he. He ghosted me. You saw that?

[Bert Kreischer]

I saw. But I thought you were doing it to some random person.

[Dax Shepard]

No, no, I was trying to get another round too. I got greedy with Freddy on another high five.

[Bert Kreischer]

This is always your problem.

[Dax Shepard]

I know, it's the nature of an addict. Like, I liked it the first time. I thought, well, let's keep doing that until it breaks.

[Bert Kreischer]

Which in this case was.

[Dax Shepard]

It was quickly.

[Bert Kreischer]

He had enough, man. It was cute.

[Dax Shepard]

But he did tell his mom. She told me that he. He said, I'm giving him a truck at some point.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's giving you a truck?

[Dax Shepard]

No, I'm giving him a truck.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

He has it in his head that I'm giving him a truck.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I said, do you think Delta promised him maybe?

[Dax Shepard]

And I said, fine. That's fine with me. All he's gotta do is marry Delta and then he can have. He can have all my shit.

[Bert Kreischer]

This is such a common thing, I think, for parents.

[Dax Shepard]

They like, they want kids to get married.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes. They decide early they want their kid to marry this kid. Well.

[Dax Shepard]

And I don't. I want her to have like 20 relationships before.

[Bert Kreischer]

Sure.

[Dax Shepard]

She gets married.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

I think some, some parents want their kid to date from junior high all the way to adulthood. And I just don't think that's very Likely.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you want to hear just the best story ever?

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

So Elizabeth and Andy went to elementary school together.

[Dax Shepard]

They did.

[Bert Kreischer]

They went to elementary school. Andy was Elizabeth's first crush.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh.

[Bert Kreischer]

She loved Andy, but Andy was like a punk. He was like a little punk kid.

[Dax Shepard]

He's too cool.

[Bert Kreischer]

And he was into Prince and, like, snowboarding, and she thought that was really cool and different.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then they, you know, Andy moved a couple of years later.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay. To another town.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Yeah. She didn't see him for, you know, 20 years or something. She ran into him on the street. New York.

[Dax Shepard]

No. And that's when they rekindled.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, they never even kindled. But she was like, I liked you, Rosen.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, wow. I like that story.

[Bert Kreischer]

Isn't that such a good story?

[Dax Shepard]

It'd be like if you married Dairy Queen guy. That's still an option.

[Bert Kreischer]

That is not the same. That be like if Andy was mean to Elizabeth.

[Dax Shepard]

What if he came to you and said, I think about that more once a week. I feel terrible.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

I'm so sorry.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

I didn't know what I was saying. I was 12.

[Bert Kreischer]

I know you didn't. It's fine. It's really fine.

[Dax Shepard]

And I liked you then. And I still like you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, I.

[Dax Shepard]

And now I'm not a dum dum.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm. I am very.

[Dax Shepard]

Now I work at Dairy Queen.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, I'm good.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, I would have been flipped.

[Dax Shepard]

Really? Well, I can't be with you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Exactly. That's the real arc of this.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Ok. Back. Circling back.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. To the rainbow. Run circles.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Circling. So rainbow. Run it back. The Architectural Digest tours.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

I would like to do that.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I love those. Architectural Digest open. It's called, like, Open door.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, I love those, too.

[Bert Kreischer]

And.

[Dax Shepard]

And I would never do one.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Well, Walton did one recently, and it was so good.

[Dax Shepard]

His place is gorgeous.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's gorgeous.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

The hunting lodge in the Huds Valley.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dakota Johnson.

[Dax Shepard]

Is your food here?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, our coffees here.

[Monica Padman]

I. I can grab it.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Thank you.

[Dax Shepard]

Thanks.

[Bert Kreischer]

W. Yeah, I. They. I just love those. And I would really like to do it when my home is done.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

If you're listening in architect, look, I. I'm not a big enough person to. For them to want me to do it, but my home. Home is gonna really be worth seeing.

[Dax Shepard]

And I think you plus Nikki Kehoe.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, that's what I mean. Like, she. They're. It's them. It's. It's Nikki Kehoe. Plus my architect, Bill. Bill Baldwin. They created, like, it's just incredible.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, I think it's very special.

[Bert Kreischer]

So I would love for it to get some love.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, let's. If you're listening, architect, I'll manifest it. Yeah, I think this could happen. Happen.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm gonna manifest it.

[Dax Shepard]

I wonder if people ever reach out to them.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm sure people do. Yeah, but I'm not gonna.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm just gonna help him. I'm gonna hope.

[Dax Shepard]

And if you want it, this is like dating. This is like the hot guy. If you want to be an architectural dine, just ask.

[Bert Kreischer]

This is the hot guy. Because I don't want to ask. I want them to come to me.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, man. Yeah, you gotta ask in life. Oh, hold on. We have a visitor. Mr. Rogers is here.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, not. Knock, knock.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, look at these cute decorative cups. Wow. What is what vanilla?

[Bert Kreischer]

Mine is just has cinnamon, whole milk and. Yeah, well, I gotta get my calcium in because of my bone density.

[Monica Padman]

All right.

[Bert Kreischer]

Cuz you hear my mom? Swiss cheese bones spoke to my mom the other day and she. She asked me every other time I talk to her if I'm taking my calcium. And every time, time I say, no, no, I'm not taking that. I'm not going to take it. So that's that.

[Dax Shepard]

Stay tuned for more armchair expert if you dare.

[Bert Kreischer]

Ooh, it's nice with cinnamon. I love cinnamon. What's your favorite spice?

[Dax Shepard]

I like cinnamon. Favorite spice? I like vanilla. I got vanilla.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, you have vanilla.

[Dax Shepard]

I can't taste the vanilla.

[Bert Kreischer]

I wouldn't. Well, I guess I'll call it a spice.

[Dax Shepard]

Vanilla's not a spice.

[Bert Kreischer]

Not really. It's a bean. Here are your options. Thank you.

[Dax Shepard]

I can't think of spices.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, it's a weird question.

[Dax Shepard]

I like rosemary in my pasta.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay. Yeah. Rosemary, oregano, thyme, coriander, cumin, thyme, thyme, black pepper. You could go black pepper. Tarragon, garlic powder, onion powder, salt, Himalayan pink sea salt. Oh, let's see if.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, I'll go cinnamon because that's the only one that I associate with being sweet, even though on its own it's not sweet.

[Bert Kreischer]

Obviously salt is not considered a spice. I just am googling most popular spices. Okay. Oh, no, this is already. Salt is the first one.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

AI.

[Dax Shepard]

So this is the most used.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Most commonly used spices. But it shouldn't say salt if it's not. It's like. That's the green hats. This is the green hat riddle that we still haven't told on here.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay. Do you want to do it now?

[Bert Kreischer]

Nope.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay. No.

[Bert Kreischer]

Black pepper. Garlic powder, onion powder, paprika, chili powder, cumin, cinnamon, ginger.

[Dax Shepard]

I like taco seasoning.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, well, that normally has chili powder, paprika, cumin, a lot of cumin. Cumin, salt, pepper.

[Dax Shepard]

That's when I douse over my elk now.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, it is. I was wondering if you were still on your elk.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, I made a big batch two days ago.

[Bert Kreischer]

Turmeric. Very good spice for you. Very healthy spice. Do you think people have turned it off by now? Yeah, I understand. I understand. Why.

[Dax Shepard]

Can't fault them, really.

[Bert Kreischer]

All right, well, Bert Kreischer. Oh, well, before I move on from Friday, we have to give a shout out to. To Freddy's mom, Haley. Haley. But I like to refer to her as Freddy's mom.

[Dax Shepard]

Like Dax's mom.

[Bert Kreischer]

I just think it's so cute.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. Freddie's mom. That is a good moniker.

[Bert Kreischer]

Is so nice. And we chatted with her.

[Monica Padman]

She's the coolest.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, this is part of it. It's like, obviously Freddie is cool because the mom is so cool and the dad is so cool.

[Dax Shepard]

Is legendary. Yeah. The dad makes me nervous and is so good looking.

[Bert Kreischer]

And all the students agree their parents are gorgeous. And so obviously Freddie's gorgeous and cool.

[Dax Shepard]

Yep.

[Bert Kreischer]

And he wears an earring. And he has.

[Dax Shepard]

And he's got siblings, and he's got the cutest little sister you've ever seen in your life.

[Bert Kreischer]

He borrowed his sister's pearl earring today to be faster. Listen, if I decide to have a kid with a donor.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

How many am I gonna have to look through? I mean, this is like. Really?

[Dax Shepard]

You can see photographs of them.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't know about that.

[Dax Shepard]

Be able to.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think some you can, some maybe you can't. Depending on the bank.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean, the pre.

[Dax Shepard]

Would you want Rob's sperm? He's very fertile.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, he has. I. Well, I mean, I would love to make a little Vinnie. That would be my dream. But I can't ask anyone I know.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

I have to go to the bank.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Actually, that's not true. I could ask someone I know, but no one. I like see a lot.

[Dax Shepard]

Right.

[Bert Kreischer]

Because wouldn't you feel. Wouldn't both of you feel weird if both of. If one of you. Either of you gave me your sperm?

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then we were all hanging out, and my kid's there, and it's your kid.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, it would. I would have to be involved.

[Bert Kreischer]

Right.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. I couldn't just pretend like, oh, I donated.

[Bert Kreischer]

Exactly. And then that gets complicated for everyone.

[Dax Shepard]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

I guess not if everyone know I.

[Dax Shepard]

Offered a friend sperm years ago, over a decade ago.

[Bert Kreischer]

They turned it down.

[Dax Shepard]

They said I would love that. We're going to try one more round first. I asked Kristen, would you care if I. And we didn't have kids yet. So I. This is. I. I was like naive to what I thought. I thought I would just like, yeah, who cares? I'll give them the sperm.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm done with it.

[Dax Shepard]

They didn't. Thank God. Let's just say the parenting I totally disagreed with.

[Monica Padman]

It would.

[Dax Shepard]

It'd be crazy for me to be looking on the outside and not want to rescue.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

So a child. Yeah. That's half me. Would be crazy. I'm so grateful that didn't happen.

[Bert Kreischer]

But like if I had. If I had a kid that was half years and I was letting them go shopping every day.

[Dax Shepard]

No, more like what if you had a kid and you were really crazy protective and he wasn't allowed to do anything and he never learned to ride a bike and he didn't like that.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's more likely for me.

[Dax Shepard]

That would be hard for me to watch.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wow.

[Dax Shepard]

Big time.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's.

[Dax Shepard]

I would go. This is. This kid's like a. He wants to be out there tackling according to you. Well, odds are.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. You definitely can't be giving anyone your.

[Dax Shepard]

No, no.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, this is good.

[Dax Shepard]

But I only feel this way after having kids. Like if I was seeing Lincoln around.

[Bert Kreischer]

It wouldn't feel the same would be my guess.

[Dax Shepard]

I don't know if like when I look at Lincoln, as you just said.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

She has my face at that age and if I was around her. Her that it would be hard.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh yeah, I'm forgetting you're around her. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

It'd have to be a situation to be honest where it was like if a. I have a vasectomy so it's not even an option.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, exactly.

[Dax Shepard]

But if we had a friend who wanted that and needed that and we decided yes, I would. I would be involved.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, that would. Kristen wouldn't want that.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, Kristen than wouldn't. I mean not care actually like.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, that's a lot on her. That would be a lot on her for you to then like kind of take on this other kid.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, it's very complicated. If I reverse it, let's say. So she needed to give an egg to somebody. She gave an egg and then.

[Bert Kreischer]

And she demanded to be in their life.

[Dax Shepard]

That's what's tricky. Cuz there's a mom involved already in my scenario. There's no dad involved.

[Bert Kreischer]

Involved. Oh Right. Well, no, let's say there's no mom involved. She gives it.

[Monica Padman]

Oh.

[Dax Shepard]

To a guy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, interesting. Yeah. Okay. And then this guy. So Jess has a kid with Kristen's egg.

[Bert Kreischer]

Lucky him. That would be a cute kid.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh yeah. What would win the tininess or the tallness?

[Bert Kreischer]

I think it'd be red hair and tiny.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, like Seth.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Alexep's kid.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. I don't know how she would juggle it. I would expect her to want to be very involved in Jess's kids life if it was her egg.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I mean, the whole family would just have to get on board. You'd have to get on board. It's like this is basically our goddaughter. This is our goddaughter.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, this is our daughter.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, no, because that's not. See, this is where things get.

[Dax Shepard]

But what if Jess wanted the child to have crazy as the mom?

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Dax Shepard]

But you kind of grew up like separated and you understood like, oh yeah, my dad's gay, so he got a donor. But that's my mom and I love her.

[Bert Kreischer]

Right. So that's one scenario.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then there's a more common scenario which is that the, the per. The dad or mom wants to raise their kid like as they want to raise their kid and not then go to their dog owner and like co parent.

[Dax Shepard]

Unless it's their friend and they're already immersed in one another's life.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, but maybe like, you know, you know how it is with all the parents and stuff. You don't want advice or co parenting from some other parent, even if you really like them. Like we all, we have a pod full of parents and I actually think this is a great thing about the pod. I mean, of course people ask each other for advice and there's like conversations about parenting, but very little, but very little people are parenting differently. That's across the board and that's great.

[Dax Shepard]

And we're all.

[Bert Kreischer]

Everyone's accepting.

[Dax Shepard]

As close to non judgmental as you can get about it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Exactly. So I don't think it would work if it was like, hey, Dax, just so you know, like, I think what you should be maybe doing with Lincoln is, you know.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. No, it would just have to be with my time with the child.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, that's hard on the kid.

[Dax Shepard]

All right. We're not doing it. I'm not doing it.

[Monica Padman]

It.

[Dax Shepard]

I can't do it. And also I'm not doing it.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's not just you. This is an interesting question in general.

[Dax Shepard]

I think so people. I think it could be done, though. Like, let's just say, like, there is a version where Kristen's egg was given to Jess and he has a little girl and they. And she knows Kristen's her mom and she has a mom and she sees her mom a lot.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, but maybe he's like. But then the baby might think. But that's. It's hard for. For a kid. Maybe. Maybe. Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

I think whatever you get is what's normal.

[Bert Kreischer]

I have no idea. Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

I think whatever you're raised in is standard and you don't think too much of it.

[Bert Kreischer]

What people do with the sperm when they get to choose sperm as opposed to choosing your partner. This is different. Right. What you have the ability to do when you're choosing sperm is like you're kind of creating what you think is like the perfect person.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Mixed with what you know you're giving. So it's like, you know, the good qualities you're giving and the bad ones.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

If you, if you're being honest with yourself, like, I might be handing over these sets of things. So what I don't want to do you.

[Dax Shepard]

Me. I was like, if you want a deaf, dyslexic alcoholic, look no further.

[Bert Kreischer]

This is me. Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

These are the genetics.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, but I mean, like, I guess I'm sort of.

[Dax Shepard]

Don't you think you do want to attempt to level out balance. Yes, balance.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's what I'm saying.

[Dax Shepard]

I'm not going to go get an addict egg. That's too much addict in my.

[Bert Kreischer]

Exactly.

[Dax Shepard]

You know what I'm saying?

[Bert Kreischer]

Probably. I mean, also, of course, there are kids with two addict parents that are beautiful and wonderful and great.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

In some ways you. Your mom isn't. Is an addict. Yeah, exactly. I mean, that's like there's.

[Dax Shepard]

And I got both things. I got my dad. My dad was a love act addict. What am I talking about? Love addicts?

[Bert Kreischer]

You got it all. I got so. And you're great.

[Dax Shepard]

I'm largely.

[Bert Kreischer]

You're thriving.

[Dax Shepard]

I'm largely great.

[Bert Kreischer]

We can at least agree that you're thriving and your life has worked out really nicely. So, like, you know, you don't. And partners don't do this. I don't think. I mean, sometimes they think through like, oh, this is a good partnership because they're, like, balancing me out. But I don't think that's what a lot of relationships are.

[Dax Shepard]

I think you're not thinking of kids right now.

[Bert Kreischer]

Exactly.

[Dax Shepard]

Except I was at 32. I was very mission driven.

[Bert Kreischer]

I know, but most people aren't they're attraction driven.

[Dax Shepard]

And then they decide they want to have a kid. And then you start thinking, oh, boy, both of us don't clean the house.

[Bert Kreischer]

Exactly. So anyway, it's just interesting. And. Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

Rob, would you give your sperm to anyone?

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, I guess so.

[Bert Kreischer]

In someone you know, or Monica, if someone needed it. That's nice of you.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

What about dude, but what if you saw them every day?

[Monica Padman]

I don't think it matters. I mean, like, my sister was a surrogate for a family and birthed two kids for them.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. That feels a little.

[Dax Shepard]

It wasn't her egg, right?

[Monica Padman]

No, it wasn't her egg.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think a lot. It's just your personality. I think a lot of people can say like, oh, that's great. I'm just helping.

[Dax Shepard]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

And that's great. And that's not my kid. That's your.

[Dax Shepard]

That was the donor we talked to on Armchair Anonymous who had like a hundred kids.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

He was just like, yeah, if you want to meet, let's meet. Like, I don't feel any connection or guilt that I'm not raising anyone.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. I don't think anyone should feel guilt.

[Dax Shepard]

I would.

[Monica Padman]

I think the guilt would come if you saw that the kid wasn't being raised.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

Or was struggling and then, like, helping would maybe come into question then.

[Bert Kreischer]

Right. All right. This is Bert. This is for Bert.

[Dax Shepard]

Bert.

[Bert Kreischer]

Now what animals are native to Germany? Because he's under the impression that they don't have any predators there.

[Dax Shepard]

Any threats?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

Sleep outside in the woods naked. There's a chapter in Schwarzenegger's book, Education of a Bodybuilder, where he and Franco were for a period in Germany weightlifting in the woods naked, and they would have a barbecue and they would drink wine and he said, like old time gladiators.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, my God.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

Just imagine walking through the woods and you see two bodybuilders squatting naked with raw meat everywhere.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, my God.

[Dax Shepard]

Bottles of wine.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wow. Good for them.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay. Number 10.

[Monica Padman]

Ch.

[Bert Kreischer]

Chamois. That's like a goat.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay. That's also kind of the name of the Shammy. Chamois.

[Monica Padman]

The shamwow.

[Bert Kreischer]

Shamwow. Okay. Red fox. I think red foxes are so cute.

[Dax Shepard]

I wouldn't be afraid to fight a red fox. I don't think you would.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think you should, because I. I kind of think I'm a red fox. Oh, I'm not, am I? God.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, hold on.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm not. As soon as I said it, I knew I wasn't.

[Dax Shepard]

I do Think fox is an appealing animal to identify if you're a woman?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, because that's a.

[Dax Shepard]

They're clever. They're athletic.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, people call if you're high. You say you're a fox foxy foxy lady. But I'm not. I'm just a chinchilla.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, chinchillas are very cute. Have you ever held a chinchilla?

[Bert Kreischer]

They're like. They're like the armchair anonymous leg guy. They're like jam.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, geez. No. Yeah, they don't have a rib cage.

[Bert Kreischer]

See? Eight greater horseshoe bat. Seven bi colored shrew. @ least I'm not a bike. Am I a bi colored shrew?

[Dax Shepard]

There you are. No, no, no, no, no.

[Bert Kreischer]

I kind of look like that. That looks like a little mouse.

[Dax Shepard]

Shrews are clever, right? They're supposed to be real clever.

[Bert Kreischer]

European badger.

[Dax Shepard]

Now that's a tough customer. You don't want to tangle with a badger.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, except that the. Its diet is made up of root tubers, large insects carrying cereals and small mammals.

[Dax Shepard]

It eats cereal?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes.

[Dax Shepard]

I wonder what his favorite eats. Captain Crunch. You're a small mammal. I just will add. Okay, so you should watch your.

[Bert Kreischer]

Because I'm a. I would way rather.

[Dax Shepard]

Fight a red fox than a badger.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, that's probably right. Okay. Wild boar. Scary European wild cat. Now these are interesting because they're big, but they look like regular domestic cats.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I find that creepy.

[Monica Padman]

Creepy.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't like that.

[Dax Shepard]

I know. If I see a domestic cat in the woods, I think a witch is nearby.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes. Did a spell made that cat huge.

[Dax Shepard]

Is a witch and can transform.

[Bert Kreischer]

Harry Potter. Okay. European pine marten.

[Dax Shepard]

What's that?

[Bert Kreischer]

That is a family of badger, weasel, otter and mink. Ooh, wooded areas. They're found in wooded areas. Back. Fast runners. Both good on the ground and in trees. Fire salamander. Very scary if you're barefoot. Poison glands. Oh, and alpine ibex.

[Dax Shepard]

Ibex.

[Bert Kreischer]

All right, so there's nothing I'm too scared of here.

[Dax Shepard]

He was right.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'll give him that.

[Dax Shepard]

He was right.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay. Do the dealers in Vegas get to keep their tips or does it go to the house? Nevada laws allow tips to be shared among employees as long as the employer doesn't keep any of them. This. This gives casinos and other employers in Nevada the authority to require employees to share tips with both tipped and non tipped workers as long as none of the participants are considered the employer.

[Dax Shepard]

This would be a bad arrangement for me. I would have a very hard time if I saw someone with a shitty personality. That was not kind to everyone. I'd be like, dude, you got to brighten it up so we can get. We're pulling our tips. I'm over here bringing in 300 bucks. Learn some jokes, do your hair, brush your teeth.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know what? They should take Jess's class.

[Dax Shepard]

They should.

[Bert Kreischer]

Cuz he's really changing the game over there. Yeah, he really is.

[Dax Shepard]

People's tips are doubling and yeah, he.

[Bert Kreischer]

Has all these restaurants. It's. It's called the restaurant launch. And he has all these restaurants that he helps. He like, comes in and teaches them how to up their game and how to like, really be a good server.

[Dax Shepard]

That's awesome.

[Bert Kreischer]

Now 10 highest grossing comedy tours of 2024.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, here we go. We should get Mindy on the phone for this. Mindy Kaling, because she loves counting people's money.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

This is her and I's kind of list.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, she wants this listed on people's houses.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. Should we call her?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, she's busy.

[Dax Shepard]

Let's call her.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, you're so scared. I. Yeah, I don't want to bother her. Don't bother her.

[Dax Shepard]

We bother a lot of people.

[Bert Kreischer]

What are we going to do? Tell her about everyone's money?

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, I don't know.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, you're so scared.

[Bert Kreischer]

You're so ballsy.

[Dax Shepard]

This is like the situation with the watch. I'll probably like. I'll. I'll regret this.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes. And you're going to drag me into it. She's probably so scared to answer.

[Dax Shepard]

I've never called her.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm playing it so cool with her. And here you are.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, I'm burning. I'm lighting this fridge way on fire.

[Bert Kreischer]

She might be at our kids rainbow run. Your call has.

[Dax Shepard]

Yes, Nugget can answer. All right.

[Bert Kreischer]

I feel really relieved.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, great. I'm just gonna leave her a quick voice memo.

[Bert Kreischer]

You're gonna call back?

[Dax Shepard]

No, I'm gonna. I'm gonna leave a voice memo. Monica's so up in arms right now that I had the audacity to call you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Mindy, I'm so sorry. We know you're very busy. I don't know why she claims you're.

[Dax Shepard]

Too busy to take a phone call, but we were about to read the list of the top 10 comedy tours, the financials, and I said, I need my friend Mindy here so we can count everyone else's money. Let's get her on the phone for this.

[Bert Kreischer]

We're happy you didn't answer.

[Dax Shepard]

Monica's very relieved you didn't answer. She Thinks this might be the end of our burgeoning friendship.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, I'm sweating again.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, that made you very nervous.

[Bert Kreischer]

God, you know, there's only a few people in this world who make me nervous.

[Dax Shepard]

I know. She's one of them.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, you want to call Matt next?

[Dax Shepard]

Yep.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, my God.

[Dax Shepard]

Hey, man, you want to know who? How much money all these stands up tours are making?

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, here we go. Joe Coy, number 10. We're going to go in 10 to 1.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Joe Coy. He grossed $26 million. He did 83 shows, 368,000 tickets sold.

[Dax Shepard]

And he's been doing this for years. I wonder if he has a huge mansion somewhere.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm sure he should go on Cribs.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, they all should.

[Bert Kreischer]

They should.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. And the whole season. Season should be top.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, they should.

[Dax Shepard]

That's a good idea.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Okay. Number nine, Adam Sandler. He grows $27 million. 26 shows.

[Dax Shepard]

Only a million a show.

[Bert Kreischer]

261,000 tickets.

[Dax Shepard]

Gosh, good for him.

[Bert Kreischer]

Number eight, Jerry Seinfeld. Another classic.

[Dax Shepard]

Two guys who have so much money and they just can't help but make more.

[Bert Kreischer]

They can't. 27. 7.8 million, 36 shows, 199,000 tickets.

[Dax Shepard]

So Sandler's making more per show than Seinfeld. That's interesting. Seinfeld must play smaller.

[Bert Kreischer]

I also think Adam Sandler is not as. He's harder to get. Seinfeld does do comedy tours every now and then, but that's true. Adam Sandler. Like Trevor Noah. Number seven.

[Dax Shepard]

29 million.

[Bert Kreischer]

29.7.

[Dax Shepard]

30 million.

[Bert Kreischer]

94 shows, 392,000 tickets. Number six. Here's our guy.

[Dax Shepard]

Here he is.

[Bert Kreischer]

Bert Kreischer. No shirt.

[Dax Shepard]

No shirt.

[Bert Kreischer]

29.7 million.

[Dax Shepard]

Exact same as. I wonder why they put him above Trevor.

[Bert Kreischer]

Because 64 shows, less shows.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, less shows. Pound for pound.

[Bert Kreischer]

388,000 tickets.

[Dax Shepard]

Wow.

[Monica Padman]

Wow.

[Bert Kreischer]

Number five, another friend of the pod, Sebastian Maniscalco. Very enjoyable episode. Check it out in the archives.

[Dax Shepard]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

$36.5 million for Sebastian.

[Dax Shepard]

I love it.

[Bert Kreischer]

53 shows, 293,000 tickets.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, baby.

[Bert Kreischer]

Number four, Katt Williams.

[Dax Shepard]

Now this just let everyone know. I read this list. Yeah, like three weeks ago. Yeah, I think after we had Bert on, I got real nosy because I asked him how much is he making more on tour or from his podcast?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

And when he said way more on tour, I thought, what is that number anyways? Katt Williams. I thought was we'd go on podcasts, he'd blast a bunch of people and be very viral. Although somehow you didn't. You didn't see his last round of viral. He did one interview that he just. He lined up 20 people and just let him have it. I had no idea he was the king of stand up.

[Bert Kreischer]

Number three. I mean, I'm sorry. Number four. Number four.

[Dax Shepard]

How much?

[Bert Kreischer]

37.5 million. God.

[Dax Shepard]

I want to see his house.

[Bert Kreischer]

60 shows. 399,000 tickets.

[Monica Padman]

Oof.

[Dax Shepard]

Tasty.

[Bert Kreischer]

Number three, Gabrielle Iglesias.

[Dax Shepard]

Sure.

[Bert Kreischer]

42.8 million.

[Monica Padman]

Wow.

[Bert Kreischer]

124 shows, 603,000 tickets. Number two, Matt Rife.

[Dax Shepard]

Matt Rife. This is the cute comedian.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, he's younger. 57.5 million.

[Dax Shepard]

God. What do you do in your 20s with 57?

[Bert Kreischer]

It's a lot.

[Dax Shepard]

I hope he has so many dumb Lamborghinis and Ferraris.

[Bert Kreischer]

I hope he's giving to ch. Charity.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

256 shows.

[Dax Shepard]

That's too many.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's.

[Dax Shepard]

That's a lot.

[Bert Kreischer]

Every day. 733,000 tickets.

[Monica Padman]

Wow.

[Bert Kreischer]

Number one, Nate Bergaz.

[Dax Shepard]

Nate.

[Bert Kreischer]

82.2 million.

[Dax Shepard]

2.2 million. I want him to hit 100 million so bad. He will for no reason.

[Bert Kreischer]

148 shows. 1,100,000 tickets.

[Monica Padman]

Wow.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Wow.

[Monica Padman]

Wow.

[Bert Kreischer]

Pretty cool. Okay, are Orcas acting up? Yeah, yeah, they're ramming boats and getting wily. They're getting real wily. Now. What's way more interesting is while I was editing this episode and we were at the Orcas part, and the Orcas part was part of the Sea World portion of this episode where he talks about finding someone's ring at SeaWorld.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

Anyone.

[Dax Shepard]

Because he finds everything.

[Bert Kreischer]

Finds things. But then we were talking about SeaWorld and orcas, and I'm in the middle of that part, listening, and then email pops up. It's a request. It's an ad request for SeaWorld.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. That's crazy.

[Bert Kreischer]

At the exact moment, and let's be.

[Dax Shepard]

Clear, it's not an ad to come visit SeaWorld. It is a request for us to have them as a sponsor. Correct. Which your computer couldn't listen to that and figured that out.

[Bert Kreischer]

No.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. That's really wild.

[Bert Kreischer]

That was such a glitch, huh?

[Dax Shepard]

Lazy, lazy, lazy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, now, what is Campari? Oh, I regret to inform you. I know. Okay. You told me that Bert did have the bee's knees that night and loved it. I know.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I haven't done his yet.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

You're not good at night. Get this packed.

[Bert Kreischer]

I feel bad.

[Dax Shepard]

And then you were supposed to do it Last week I was.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I didn't do it again. I know.

[Dax Shepard]

Tonight's a drinking night, right?

[Bert Kreischer]

Friday? Yeah. I could probably get some down.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, why don't you try it?

[Bert Kreischer]

The problem is. But I'm going to be open because I want to do this for Bert. I just know I'm not going to like the Campari spritz.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, not with that attitude.

[Bert Kreischer]

I just, I don't even like Aperol spreads, which everyone likes. And this is like a stronger, more bitter version of apparel. But you know what? I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna.

[Dax Shepard]

You never drink Jack Daniels, huh?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, but I, I, I drink whiskey.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, Just not Jack. Yeah, what about a Jack Ginger for you?

[Bert Kreischer]

But I don't like Jack Daniels.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, you might with ginger ale.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, why do I have to. Why can't I go with something?

[Dax Shepard]

Cuz it's the best drink.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Dax Shepard]

It's the one I've drank the most of.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, you do? Ginger. Ginger ale, yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

Jack. Ginger's ginger ale and Jack Daniel's.

[Bert Kreischer]

What about ginger beer?

[Dax Shepard]

It's not my favorite.

[Bert Kreischer]

Really?

[Dax Shepard]

No. Jack. And diet's the best taste. But you don't even like Diet Coke, so that's. I don't want to start you there.

[Bert Kreischer]

Can I do like, Can I do.

[Dax Shepard]

Like, save your sides and start drinking Jack?

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean, I drink whiskey. I drink old fashions.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, what's your brand? Knob Hill or one of these?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, I like Four Roses. I, I like Blanton's.

[Dax Shepard]

Blanton's?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

I don't know about Blanton.

[Bert Kreischer]

Blanton's is fancy.

[Dax Shepard]

A lot of them have all come out in the last 20 years since I quit.

[Bert Kreischer]

Four Roses you probably would have liked. It's really good and it's better.

[Dax Shepard]

Bourbon.

[Bert Kreischer]

Jack Daniels better.

[Dax Shepard]

No, I like Jim Beam and Jack Daniels.

[Bert Kreischer]

These are classics. Yeah, you're going classic.

[Dax Shepard]

That's right.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

It's like Levi's jeans, you know?

[Bert Kreischer]

So what?

[Dax Shepard]

America was built for Woodford.

[Bert Kreischer]

Have you ever had Woodford? Woodford Reserve. Very good.

[Dax Shepard]

These are triggering names for me a.

[Bert Kreischer]

Little bit because they're, they sound elite.

[Dax Shepard]

They're trying to be like Oak barrel whiskey. Like call it, call it a man's name. Jim Beam.

[Bert Kreischer]

No.

[Dax Shepard]

Bill Rutherford? Mike Pence.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh my.

[Dax Shepard]

What if Mike Pencet.

[Bert Kreischer]

I could. He should have a. I could see it.

[Dax Shepard]

A whiskey.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, actually, he should have a gin.

[Bert Kreischer]

Absolutely not, because I like gin.

[Dax Shepard]

But you're gonna love Mike Pence. Gym. Gym. All right.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay. That's it.

[Monica Padman]

Love you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Love you.

[Dax Shepard]

Follow Armchair Expert on the Wonry app, Amazon Music, or wherever you you get your podcasts. You can listen to every episode of Armchair Expert early and ad free right now by joining Wondry plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short [e-mail] survey.