Best of Friday 2024

Summary

Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Episode: Best of Friday 2024
Release Date: December 27, 2024

Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard delivers its "Best of Friday 2024" episode by compiling some of the most captivating and intense stories shared by listeners throughout the year. Hosted alongside co-host Monica Padman, the episode traverses a variety of extraordinary experiences, each highlighting the resilience and unpredictability of human life. Below is a detailed summary of the key segments, enriched with notable quotes and timestamps for deeper insight.

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1. Crazy Gym Stories: Steve’s Treadmill Tumble (02:09 - 10:20)

Guest: Steve
Timestamp: 02:09 - 10:20

Steve recounts a harrowing experience from January 2000 when his New Year’s resolution to join the gym spiraled into chaos. At a local gym in Windsor, Sonoma County, Steve, still adjusting to public gyms, found himself overdressed with a hoodie on a treadmill. Deciding to shed his sweatshirt mid-run (03:00), he lost visibility and control, resulting in a dangerous collision with the gym wall.

"I fly off the back of the train." (06:55) Steve describes the moment he was flung against the treadmill, akin to being in a "tumble cycle," emphasized by Dax's vivid comparison to "falling onto a belt sander" (09:32).

Despite minor physical injuries, Steve's ego bears the brunt as he vows never to use a treadmill again. The segment underscores the importance of safety and awareness in everyday activities.

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2. Near-Death Experiences: Jane’s Shark Attack (11:52 - 30:44)

Guest: Jane
Timestamp: 11:52 - 30:44

Jane shares a life-threatening encounter from June 2022 off the Monterey Bay coastline. As a docent at the Monterey Bay Aquarium and an avid ocean swimmer, she was brutally attacked by a 15-foot great white shark during a solo swim. The shark's aggressive behavior left Jane with severe injuries, including a ripped wetsuit and extensive wounds.

"I reached up with my arm and I helped pull myself up onto the board." (16:56) Jane details her desperate attempts to fend off the shark, ultimately stumbling onto the surfboard with the aid of brave first responders and rescuers from the community.

Her quick thinking and the swift response of emergency personnel, including a nurse and a surf rescue specialist, were pivotal in saving her life. Jane reflects on her recovery journey, acknowledging the physical and emotional scars but expressing gratitude for surviving such a traumatic event.

"It's been two years and I'm mostly better." (30:15) Jane emphasizes the significance of physical fitness and preparedness in her survival, highlighting the unpredictability of nature and the human spirit's capacity to endure.

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3. Delivery Driver Stories: Tyler’s Ohio Collision (30:55 - 66:57)

Guest: Tyler
Timestamp: 30:55 - 66:57

Tyler, a seasoned delivery driver from Sugar Grove, Illinois, narrates an intense incident involving a car crashing through the house he was house-sitting for. Late one night, while managing his tasks, Tyler discovered extensive damage to the property, initially mistaking it for a gas explosion. Upon investigating, he realized a drunk and drug-impaired driver had lost control, speeding through the house’s garage.

"I had come from a very deep sleep, and I did kind of sleep through whatever the initial noise was." (57:37) Tyler describes the surreal moment of finding the destruction and the subsequent chaos, including interactions with emergency responders and the distressed homeowner.

The story underscores the fragility of safety and the unforeseen dangers that can disrupt daily life. Tyler's calm under pressure and swift action in a moment of crisis highlight the essential role of preparedness and community support in emergency situations.

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4. House Sitting Stories: Nick’s Unbelievable Demolition (54:55 - 81:06)

Guest: Nick
Timestamp: 54:55 - 81:06

Nick details an unbelievable house-sitting incident in Sugar Grove, Illinois, where a driver crashed his car through the homeowner’s garage, causing extensive damage to the property. Assigned to watch over the house and the family dog, Nick was initially unaware of the impending disaster until late at night when he woke to find the chaos.

"It's a zoo in the lobby. There is pretty much the entire hotel's worth of people standing around our tiny little lobby." (69:38) Although this quote references another story, it gives context to the level of disruption Nick faced.

Upon discovering the shattered kitchen and the car lodged in the garage, Nick navigated the confusion with a mix of humor and disbelief, ultimately ensuring everyone's safety and managing the aftermath effectively. He reflects on the unpredictability of his job and the importance of remaining vigilant and composed during emergencies.

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5. Hotel Stories: Brittany’s Wild Guest Encounter (81:06 - 80:46)

Guest: Brittany
Timestamp: 81:06 - 80:46

Brittany, a hotel owner from a quaint Jersey Shore resort, recounts a bizarre event where a guest, known for his disruptive behavior, stormed into her establishment in a drunken stupor. The guest vandalized the room, leaving grimy messes and extensive damage, including fecal stains on the bedsheets.

"We have to reach for a kiss slap post." (74:25) Though not directly quoted, the essence of Brittany’s frustration and professional handling of the situation is evident.

Despite the chaos, Brittany and her team managed to clean up and maintain hospitality standards, illustrating the challenges faced by those in the hospitality industry. The story highlights the importance of staff training, quick decision-making, and maintaining composure in the face of unruly behavior.

"It's been six, seven years since this story and we still call the trombone guy Roto Rooter." (79:58) Brittany emphasizes the lasting impact of such incidents on both the staff and the establishment's reputation.

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Concluding Remarks

Throughout the "Best of Friday 2024" episode, Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard showcases a diverse array of intense and engaging stories that highlight human resilience, quick thinking, and the unpredictable nature of life. From gym mishaps and life-threatening shark attacks to violent house crashes and disruptive hotel guests, each narrative serves as a testament to the strength and adaptability inherent in everyone.

Notable moments include Jane’s close encounter with a great white shark (14:16), Tyler’s account of a car wrecking through a house under the influence (57:59), and Brittany’s management of a chaotic guest incident (74:25). These stories, enriched with personal insights and emotional depth, provide listeners with both entertainment and profound reflections on human experiences.

Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard continues to celebrate the diverse and messy facets of being human, inviting listeners to explore and appreciate the myriad of stories that contribute to personal growth and understanding.

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Notable Quotes:

• Steve: "I fly off the back of the train." (06:55)
• Jane: "I reached up with my arm and I helped pull myself up onto the board." (16:56)
• Tyler: "I did kind of sleep through whatever the initial noise was." (57:37)
• Brittany: "We have to reach for a kiss slap post." (74:25)

---

Conclusion

This "Best of" episode encapsulates the essence of human vulnerability and resilience, offering listeners a rich tapestry of real-life tales that are both harrowing and inspiring. Whether it's overcoming physical trauma, navigating unexpected emergencies, or handling disruptive behavior with grace, the stories presented offer valuable lessons and a deeper appreciation for the complexities of the human experience.

Transcript

[Dax Shepard]

Wondry plus subscribers can listen to Armchair Expert early and ad free right now. Join Wondri plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts or you can listen for free wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome, welcome welcome to Armchair Anonymous Best of 2024.

[Monica Padman]

What a batch of stories you guys gave us this year.

[Dax Shepard]

I gotta say, of all the our best ofs, I think Armchair Anonymous lends itself very best to this format because it's just the banger story after another.

[Monica Padman]

This was really hard to narrow down and again, like the other ones, there's just a million amazing stories this year. We can only pick a few.

[Dax Shepard]

Yes. So enjoy the craziest moments from 2024. We are supported by YNAB. You put so much time and effort into earning money, you deserve to spend it without stress or second guessing Ynab spelled Y N A Ynab is a life changing app that helps you do what you want with the money you have. With Ynab, you'll create a flexible plan for your money through the simple practice of giving every dollar a job, keeping you focused on the life you want so you can cover your mortgage and fund your 401k without sacrificing dinners with friends or that long awaited trip to Greece. With ynab, you'll stop wondering where your money goes and start deciding where it will take you. The average ynab user saves $600 in their first two months and $6,000 in and 92% of users report feeling less money stress. Since using Ynab, life is short. Spend it well with Ynab. Armcherries can claim an exclusive three month free trial with no credit card required at www.ynab.comdax that's ynab.comdax he's an armchair expert.

[Nick]

He's an exper.

[Dax Shepard]

From 682 Crazy Gym Stories. Hello.

[Steve]

Hi, how are you?

[Dax Shepard]

Is this Nick?

[Steve]

This is Yes.

[Dax Shepard]

I love that we're in your bedroom or a guest bedroom. Just I like that we're in a bedroom. We're rarely in a bedroom with anyone.

[Steve]

It's funny, about 5 minutes ago I was in my daughter's bedroom which is a little smaller and probably better for the sound. And our neighbor across the street is doing a construction project and just whipped up their like drywall mixer.

[Dax Shepard]

Do you live across the street from me?

[Steve]

In the last five minutes I've been frantic.

[Monica Padman]

Oh no.

[Steve]

I brought blankets in and comfy pillows.

[Dax Shepard]

No, you're in an ideal room already. There's a lot of soft fabrics around You. You don't want to be close to walls. Shocking. That's the echo chamber. So you're golden. You're wearing a soft sweatshirt, a hoodie. That's going to help. You have a little bit of stubble. That's going to break up the sound waves. Right. Where are you at, Nick?

[Steve]

Sonoma County, California.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, okay. Are you in any tangential way associated with the wine industry?

[Steve]

I have been. I was working in the wine industry for almost 20 years.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, look at that. Were you a sales rep? Were you a vintner? What were you?

[Steve]

I worked in marketing, social media.

[Dax Shepard]

And are you ever over at Sonoma Raceway?

[Steve]

I'm not. I had a feeling you'd ask me about that.

[Dax Shepard]

That's the site of my huge crash that caused all the surgeries. So what are you doing now?

[Steve]

So now I work at our regional food bank called the Redwood Empire Food Bank. And I do grant writing and corporate partners.

[Dax Shepard]

Busy time of year.

[Steve]

Yeah, we do half of our fundraising between Thanksgiving and New Year's.

[Dax Shepard]

Wow. Well, thanks for taking the time to tell us your crazy gym story. I'm sure you're busy.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, we're excited.

[Dax Shepard]

Hit us. Where does this take place? Are we in Sonoma? Does Sonoma have gyms?

[Steve]

We do. This takes place in a little town called Windsor, just north of Santa Rosa.

[Dax Shepard]

That's the home of Charles Schulz.

[Steve]

That's right, yeah. Charles Schulz Museum. Home of peanuts.

[Dax Shepard]

And they had an ice pageant for a while, but that's been gotten rid of. You're so sorry, Nick.

[Monica Padman]

I just. I just want to hear it.

[Dax Shepard]

I know, but I want to get a rhythm going with that. This is foreplay. I want to. I want to join. I want to join sexual energy. Okay, whatever. Do they do ice skating there anymore? They do.

[Steve]

They have an ice skating rink.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, Charlie Brown, Important person. Vince Guaraldi. The holidays.

[Monica Padman]

Tis the season.

[Dax Shepard]

Tis the season. Okay, sorry.

[Steve]

It's January 2000. I'm 18 years old. In between my semesters at my freshman year of college, I was going to the junior college here in town. Most of my friends had already left to go back to their schools. Some post holiday blues. Post Y2K excitement.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, yeah, New Year's resolution. What was that New Year's resolution?

[Steve]

Oh, was going to the gym.

[Dax Shepard]

This is relevant to the gym. I'm just laughing. I hate Monica. Do you need a co host? Do you need a new co host? Nick?

[Monica Padman]

I have a veil. Ok, go on.

[Steve]

So I was just kind of moping around the house and my sister lived at home. She was a little bit older than me. She loved going to the gym. So she dragged me to the gym one day, put on a new pair of warmup pants that I had. A big hooded sweatshirt, exactly what I thought someone who would go to the gym would wear. But not at all. It's not a very big gym. It was the first time I'd ever been to a public gym. They kind of had the check area and the machines kind of in the front. And then tucked in the back were a few treadmills and all the free weights. So we went and hopped up on a couple of the treadmills to do a little warmup. We were jogging for a few minutes, and my sister, she hopped off and went to go do, like, her routine, whatever she was gonna do, and I decided to stay on the treadmill. I did a little running in high school, so started building my confidence a little bit, putting up the speed, trying to get familiar with being on a treadmill. Probably five minutes go by, and I'm going pretty fast and feeling good. Of course, I've got lined sweatpants on and a big hooded sweatshirt. So I'm getting hot. I'm way overdressed. Decide I need to take my sweatshirt off. The thought does not even cross my mind to, like, stop the treadmill, take my sweatshirt off and start up again. I'm going to just go ahead and try and take my sweatshirt off while I'm on the trip.

[Dax Shepard]

Absolutely. I can see myself making the same call.

[Monica Padman]

Well, yeah, you can't stop.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Steve]

You know that move in the car where you're driving? You know, take a sweatshirt off or something, and you can kind of do it real quick.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, can I tell you, Nick, the first thing I thought of when you painted this picture was how many times I've taken a hoodie off in the car and then miscalculated and realized, like, I don't have either arm now with my knee.

[Steve]

And that's exactly what happened here. I got one arm out.

[Dax Shepard]

Hold on, Nick. And sorry, Monica. Are there any girls around? Had you locked eyes with anyone and had anything in your mind going like, oh, I see you and you see me?

[Jane]

No.

[Steve]

If anything, I wanted to be anonymous. I was pretty shy kid. Luckily, it wasn't very busy. I was kind of off on my own, you know, Got one arm out of the sweatshirt, pulled the sweatshirt over my head, and that was when I lost sight for the first time.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh.

[Steve]

And immediately stopped.

[Jane]

Feet.

[Steve]

I fly off the back of the train.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, no.

[Steve]

And I wish it would have ended there. And that would have been fine. I probably would have been okay. But the way this gym was set up was that, you know, it was 2000. It was pre flat screen TVs. So the TVs were hanging on the ceiling and they were the big tube TVs and they were down the middle of the gym. So the treadmills were turned to face the middle of the gym, backed against a wall.

[Nick]

Oh.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh no. Okay, okay, okay.

[Steve]

Bounced off the wal, Landed back on the treadmill, back on the wall.

[Monica Padman]

Wait, what? No, no, no, no.

[Steve]

So I basically like in a dryer, in a tumble cycle is kind of what it felt like.

[Dax Shepard]

Are you still blinded by the sweatshirt?

[Steve]

Completely blinded. Sweatshirt completely halfway over my head. Can't see anything. I'm just kind of bouncing back and forth between the treadmill and the wall over and over again.

[Monica Padman]

This is like an America's funniest home video.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. Or even a Simpsons cartoon. Like Homer Simpson on a treadmill.

[Steve]

Yes. So, you know, eventually I hear my sister screaming. Not really helping, but she's screaming from the other side of the room. You know, somebody help. All this is happening so fast too. It's probably only 30 seconds, but it feels like 10 minutes that I'm just bouncing back and forth between credible walls. Eventually somebody came and stopped the treadmill. I took inventory outside of my torn warmup pants.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, no, this is.

[Dax Shepard]

Wait, your warm up pants tore?

[Steve]

Oh, yeah. Total rug burn.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh.

[Monica Padman]

Oh my God.

[Dax Shepard]

God, you're lucky they stayed on. You could have been in your skivvies, I imagine. Also people helping pull the hoodie off of you.

[Steve]

Yeah, I mean, I feel fortunate that it wasn't too busy. There wasn't that many people there. I pretty much left immediately after that. I was like, I'll wait in the car while you finish your workout. I'm not hanging out anymore. I'm done with the workout.

[Dax Shepard]

I'm never ever gonna exercise again.

[Steve]

I have a feeling that people who work there probably had that on security footage and probably got a real charge over.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, they probably watched that over and over and over again.

[Dax Shepard]

It was shown to many, many people.

[Monica Padman]

Did they have at. On the treadmills, the pole, you know, now they have that probably, but.

[Dax Shepard]

But no one ever hooks themselves.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, cuz yeah, you're supposed to.

[Dax Shepard]

You're supposed to wear it, but nobody does. No one's ever going to wear that thing. And this is why you're supposed to wear. What was the extent of the injuries when you got in the car and the adrenaline subsided? Did you start feeling like, oh, I got my ass kicked by that thing.

[Steve]

I was pretty sore the next day. Burned up knees a little bit, but more bruised ego than anything.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, my God.

[Dax Shepard]

It's like falling onto a belt sander.

[Monica Padman]

If I was your s. Oh, you're across the room.

[Dax Shepard]

Like, help call 91 1.

[Steve]

I called her last night to kind of corroborate the story, and she was like, what I remember is I was working out and all of a sudden I hear this big thud. And then I turn around, I see her arms flailing around on the treadmill.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, my gosh.

[Monica Padman]

I really want to see a ping pong person.

[Dax Shepard]

I wonder if you thought maybe it was rolling too. There could have been some, right? Oh, yeah, Nick, I'm glad you survived that.

[Steve]

Luckily, nobody got too hurt.

[Monica Padman]

Well, that was fun.

[Dax Shepard]

What a great story. I'm sorry that happened to you. You really went through the spin cycle as you said.

[Steve]

I really did.

[Dax Shepard]

Did you revisit exercise?

[Steve]

I have stayed outside for my running.

[Monica Padman]

Sure.

[Steve]

For a while. Did not jump on a treadmill for many years.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. At least when you fall down there, you stay put.

[Monica Padman]

Exactly. Unless there's an earthquake.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. Or you fall in a ravine and then you. Yeah.

[Steve]

I wouldn't say I'm the most graceful person either, so I've been known to trip just on the sidewalk.

[Dax Shepard]

You're terribly cute, though. I think it works perfectly with what you're presenting.

[Jane]

Thank you.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, you have kind of a Steve Carell.

[Dax Shepard]

He's got a sweetness.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah. And a Steve Carell.

[Dax Shepard]

A Steve Carellness.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

Who do people tell you you look like?

[Steve]

Munchy Cheese?

[Nick]

You ever heard of those guys?

[Dax Shepard]

Munchi Cheese. Munchy Cheese. They're so soft and cuddly.

[Monica Padman]

You know, we used to call Delta Munchichi.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, we did. Oh, I think she had a munchie.

[Monica Padman]

She did. She had a little one.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Steve]

I don't get a lot of pumps to celebrities that I can think of.

[Monica Padman]

Tell people, Steve Carell.

[Dax Shepard]

You just start telling people, you know who I look like.

[Steve]

I do need to give a quick shout out to my daughter Grace and my son Sam. I let them listen to a very choice few of these.

[Dax Shepard]

Did they like the story of the man decomposing at brunch in Canada?

[Steve]

You haven't heard that one. I'll wait till they're a little older for that.

[Dax Shepard]

You should use that as punishment. If one of them fucks up, you're like, you get in that room and you listen that nine minutes and you listen to it over and over again.

[Steve]

I'll bookmark that one for later.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, we'll give our love to your babies.

[Monica Padman]

Yes. Thanks for sharing.

[Steve]

All right, thanks, guys.

[Dax Shepard]

Take care. From 759 near death experiences.

[Monica Padman]

Rob, our burritos are ready.

[Jane]

I'll let Stephen and I'll go grab him. Hello?

[Dax Shepard]

Hi, Steve. Can you hear us?

[Jane]

Yes, I can. You can hear me?

[Dax Shepard]

Yes. Oh, you're Canadian?

[Jane]

No. Good guess.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, okay. You threw an A in there, didn't you? Did I hear an A?

[Jane]

You did. Can't tell you.

[Dax Shepard]

Why are you married to a Canadian?

[Jane]

I'm not.

[Monica Padman]

Sometimes people just say it.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, where are you from?

[Jane]

St. Louis, Missouri.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, that's pretty far from Canada.

[Jane]

Now, of course, I live in Monterey, California.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, that's an enviable location.

[Jane]

Yes, it is. Garden spot of the world. Spectacular.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, Steve, you have a near death experience and you've made it. Cause we're talking to you.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, that's the good news about these stories. We do know everyone's made it unless.

[Dax Shepard]

We talk to a medium. We talk to someone beyond the grave set the scene for us. What year is this? Where is it at?

[Jane]

This was end of June in 2022.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, recent.

[Jane]

It was at the southern end of the Monterey Bay. It was a sunny, clear, beautiful day. No wind, no waves, no chop. So I thought, I'll go for an ocean swim. I swim in the ocean for a doz and years. And I had retired a year and a half earlier. In that year and a half of retirement, I had organized my life around outdoor group activities. I was running with the Wednesday night laundry runners, and I was riding with the veloclub, and I was swimming with the kelp crawlers. Well, this incredibly gorgeous day, I had to swim. I went to the beach and unfortunately nobody else was there. You'd usually get half a dozen people on a Wednesday morning, but this time I was the only one there. So I got on my wetsuit and my hat and booties. It's very cold. The water's 55 degrees. Got in the water and the beach is about 100 yards wide. And as I started to swim out from the beach, there's a jetty on the left, sticks out about 75 yards. And I went out around that jetty and I went to the left and hugged the coast around Lovers Point. Now, before you get too many ideas about Lovers Point, its full name is Lovers of Jesus Point.

[Brittany]

Oh, wow.

[Dax Shepard]

Not everybody knows wow.

[Monica Padman]

Not as romantic as I thought.

[Dax Shepard]

I just don't associate that with seafarers. That's an interesting mashup.

[Jane]

I went about 3/4 of a mile, hugging the coast the whole way, and then I turned around, came swimming back. No waves, no chop. When it's sunny, you see all the kelp and the fish and all the sea grasses flowing back and forth and the sea stars. It's just gorgeous.

[Dax Shepard]

Do you see seals out there ever.

[Jane]

You do seals sometimes like to swim under you, which can be a little disconcerting. You're swimming along and there's this gray shape that all of a sudden appears under you.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, because don't they hunt within the sea kelp?

[Jane]

They absolutely do. And I came back around the point and I'm heading towards the jetty, when all of a sudden, wham. Just out of nowhere, I just got tossed up in the air and turned and I didn't know what was going on. And then I was plunged back into the water. I look, and I am arm's length from the enormous head of a great white shark.

[Dax Shepard]

No. Oh, no, no, no, no.

[Jane]

The water There is about 20ft deep. And the shark came from below and grabbed me and fully breached up into the air. You've seen photos of a great white with a seal in its mouth.

[Dax Shepard]

Yes.

[Jane]

That its breach is out of the water. That was me.

[Monica Padman]

No, my God.

[Jane]

I didn't know all that at the time. There were people on the beach who saw it, so some of this is reconstructed later. But pull it back down under the water and then it spit me out.

[Dax Shepard]

What do you think? Because of the wetsuit.

[Jane]

Turns out great whites will oftentimes bite the prey and then back off and let it bleed to death.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, my God.

[Jane]

You can imagine they eat seals and sea lions and elephant seals. These things have teeth and they have claws and they can fight back, so oftentimes they'll let the thing bleed. All I know for sure, I was underwater maybe, I don't know, five feet. I'm guessing I could see light, so I knew which way was up. Fortunately, I had air in my lungs, probably because it lifted me into the air and I got a good breath, I don't know. And then it was right there, arm's length away from me, the left side of its head. And I can't tell you how enormous this thing is. I'm looking at that black eye, and you can see this white and gray body and its teeth from its lower jaw sticking up. I could see it's bobbing its head back and forth as if it was deciding whether to bite me again or not.

[Dax Shepard]

Really quick. Did you immediately recognize it as a great white. Or was it taking you a minute, like, is that a whale? Is that a this? Or did you immediately know what it was?

[Jane]

I instantly knew. I'm a docent at the Monterey Bay Aquarium. I show people hammerheads and seven gill sharks and all these things. I knew it was a great white.

[Dax Shepard]

Your mind goes very quickly at that moment, you get to the point where you surrender. You're, I'm going to die. This is it.

[Jane]

No. I was calm. I knew I was very badly hurt. I didn't know exactly where it had bit me yet, but looking at it, I was thinking, hey, I taste of neoprene. I'm wearing a white hat and goggles. I'm not a seal. I am not your food. Please don't bite me again. And at that point I thought, I'm going to punch it.

[Dax Shepard]

Ah, yeah, yeah.

[Jane]

My fist didn't quite reach its lower jaw, but when I stuck out my fingers, I jabbed and hit its lower jaw.

[Dax Shepard]

Tell me this now. You work at the aquarium. I had always heard you want to hit him on the nose. You went, lower jaw.

[Jane]

That's what I could reach.

[Dax Shepard]

If you had had your druthers, is the nose the right thing?

[Jane]

I don't know. Yeah, but I would have. There's some. Some. There's some notion that that's the right thing to do.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, there's these weird videos where they come up on the side of the boat and they rub their nose in a weird way. And have you seen this? It puts them in a, like, suspended state for like 20 seconds. They'll float back down and then they kind of come to something with their nose. There's so much stuff packed in the end of that nose anyways. You hit it in the jaw with your fingers.

[Jane]

I tried to kick at it, although my injuries were such that probably I couldn't. I don't know. I think I kicked at it and then it was just gone. I don't remember it swimming away, but I got myself up to the surface. There was a security camera in the distance that captured this whole thing.

[Dax Shepard]

No way.

[Jane]

It captured the shark breaching. And then 12 seconds later, I come up and start yelling. When I got to the surface, I knew I was badly hurt. I didn't know how bad. And I sort of leaned back to try to get my legs up. I thought, don't let your legs hang down. It'll just bite you again. As I lifted my knees up, I could see, see my left leg where there should have been wetsuit or skin. It was just nothing but hamburger.

[Steve]

Red.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, my God.

[Jane]

And the water was red. And I knew I was in horrible trouble. I just swam a mile and a half. There was absolutely no way I could swim the remaining 150 yards to the beach. All I could do was yell for help and hope that there are brave, kind, skilled strangers that can hear me and are willing to come out and risk their lives. And that's what happened. I was really unlucky to be bitten by the shark. And then some things happened that are just hard to believe. I'm yelling help, help. Just as loud as I can. You can actually hear it on that security camera. I could hear the emotion in my voice. I was not in terrible pain, but I knew I'm not going to make it. I was yelling for help and I couldn't see anybody coming. There was so much blood. I thought, I don't want to die like this. That was awful.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Jane]

Finally, I looked to the right and saw a paddle boarder. And I yelled some more. And I looked again and he was coming right at me and closer. I thought, okay, I've got a chance. It turns out that there was a couple on an anniversary trip. They lived three hours away in Sacramento. Amy and Paul, they'd gone paddleboarding and they heard me and they started coming my way. They were a couple hundred yards away. He is a police officer. A first responder. No, she is a nurse, a healthcare professional.

[Dax Shepard]

Impossible luck on top of impossible, terrible luck.

[Jane]

That's exactly right. And they knew it was a shark. They could tell from the way I was yelling there was something was way wrong. They were mentally preparing. Paul was thinking, if it is a shar, I'm going to take the paddle and put it down his throat. He's a first responder. He does this for a living. He said, no question, I was coming to save. And then, as if that wasn't enough from the beach, there was a group of school kids from Kansas who were out here for a weekend. It's called Blue Theology. They were here to learn about the ocean and how to take care of it. And there was a guy teaching them ocean appreciation. This guy is a surfer, a former lifeguard, a surf rescue guy.

[Dax Shepard]

Whoa.

[Jane]

And one of the dads of the Kansas kids saw the shark and yelled to Heath, hey, Heath, there's a guy out there, he needs you. So Heath, the surf rescue guy, he grabbed two surfboards stacked one on top of the other and paddled out to me.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, my God.

[Dax Shepard]

Geez Louise.

[Jane]

Can you imagine A healthcare professional, a first responder and a surf safety guy were the three people who heard me. And they all came rushing to me.

[Dax Shepard]

And did they get you on top of one of these surfboards? That must have been very hard.

[Jane]

Paul, the police officer, got to me first and tried to get me on the board. I don't remember this. I was in and out of consciousness. He could not get me on his board. Then Keith put the second surfboard in the water for me. They tried to get me on that board. It didn't work. And finally they said, look, you're going to have to help. And I remember I reached up with my arm and I helped pull myself up onto the board. The injury was the shark's mouth bit me across my thighs and back across my lower abdomen. Of course, it's a U shaped bite, so it got me from the right side. There's a big gouge just above my right knee and then across my left thigh. And then there are teeth marks along my left hip. And then a big scar across my belly. Looks like a C section scar now, but at the time it was filleted open, my belly was just wide open.

[Dax Shepard]

It's like you've got 14 huge punctures is what you have, right? I mean, that's how it does it.

[Jane]

The bottom teeth puncture and hold. So across my backside are just a bunch of puncture marks, but the top teeth cut. So it's just all ripped.

[Tyler]

Ooh.

[Jane]

Oh, mama did get me onto the surfboard and I was lying face down on the surfboard and Heath was yelling, grab my heel. So with my left arm, I grabbed his heel. He was lying face down on his board and he starts paddling and pulling me in. Amy, the nurse realized that I was going to fall off the board. My legs didn't work, my belly didn't work. I was unconscious. And she left the relative safety of her paddle board and jumped into the water. Got half on the back of the board, holding my legs on the board, and the other half of her is in the water. Blood's pouring off of me. And she held my legs on the board and kicked while Heath was paddling to get me to the shore. Meanwhile, Paul ever prepared the police officer. He had his phone with him. He pulled out his phone and called 911.

[Dax Shepard]

We are supported by Audible. Audible's best of 2024 picks are here. Audible's curated list in every category is the best way to hear 2024's best in audio entertainment. Like a stunning new full cast production of George Orwell's 1984. This is the one I am most excited to indulge myself with.

[Monica Padman]

I'm so excited to listen to James, which is a new title by Percival effort that is very, very hot right now.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, there's so many good ones on the list.

[Monica Padman]

We love Audible. This is how you go to bed.

[Dax Shepard]

I love Audible. I swear by Audible. I can't wait to listen to the Orwell 1984 off this list. I'm also doing Fleas by Autobiography right now, which I'm obsessed with. I can't get enough Audible in my life every night. Go to audible.comdax and discover all the year's bests waiting for you. That's audible.com Dax Looking for your next streaming obsession?

[Nick]

Paramount plus is a mountain of all new original dramas, including the series everyone is talking about, Landman, starring Billy Bob.

[Dax Shepard]

Thornton, Jon Hamm and Demi Moore. Plus Lioness with Zoe Saldana and Nicole Kidman and Tulsa King starring Sylvester Stallone. From Showtime comes the Agency, a spy thriller starring Michael Fassbender and Richard Gere.

[Nick]

Get the Paramount with Showtime plan to start streaming today.

[Dax Shepard]

We are supported by Audible. Audible's best of 2024 picks are here. Audible's curated list in every category is the best way to hear 2024's best in audio entertainment. Like a stunning new full cast production of George Orwell's 1984. This is the one I am most excited to indulge myself with.

[Monica Padman]

I'm so excited to listen to James, which is a new title by Percival effort that is very, very hot right now.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, there's so many good ones on the list.

[Monica Padman]

We love Audible. This is how you go to bed.

[Dax Shepard]

I love Audible. I swear by Audible. I can't wait to listen to the Orwell 1984 off this list. I'm also doing Fleas by Autobiography right now, which I'm obsessed with. I can't get enough Audible in my life every night. Go to audible.comdax and discover all the year's bests waiting for you. That's audible.com Dax so is there an ambulance waiting when they get you to show?

[Jane]

From the time I started yelling until the time you can see the ambulance on the street. Three minutes.

[Monica Padman]

Wow.

[Dax Shepard]

Whoa. That feels impossible.

[Monica Padman]

Wow.

[Jane]

The city really prioritizes public health and so they have an ambulance stationed in the middle of the town. Happens to be six blocks from where I was. There's a hospital five miles away, but the taxpayers pay to keep the ambulance closed. So I gotta thank everybody. But there's Another step in between. That's. That's equally amazing. They got me to the beach and of course I'm bleeding. My left arm is all ripped up both thighs and my abdomen. I need tourniquets on the beach. Vacationing independently. We're two ICU nurses and a doctor.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, my God.

[Jane]

Doctor from Detroit, ICU nurse from Kansas, ICU nurse from North Carolina.

[Monica Padman]

What?

[Dax Shepard]

Well, I do have to put a little bit of a socioeconomic spin on this. Good place to get injured in Monterey, where professionals go on their vacation. This happens at where's beach or Daytona. You might. You might not have the same staff on hand.

[Jane]

Pretty good point.

[Dax Shepard]

Wow.

[Monica Padman]

Wow.

[Dax Shepard]

So everyone just starts tourniqueting you up.

[Jane]

It's exactly right, Noel. We've chatted with her. One of the ICU nurses, she got halfway in the water and sort of accepted the surfboard. There were six or eight people around me as they rolled me over. And she saw my leg and she thought, well, he's gonna lose the leg. She looked at my face and saw that I was in my 60s and my face, she said, was gray. She. I would not make it.

[Nick]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Jane]

And she thought, even if you do make it, you're going to be badly brain damaged from lack of blood to the brain. And then she saw my wedding ring and she thought, oh, how terrible for the spouse.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Jane]

Then they got me into the ambulance and drove the 28 miles to Natividad Trauma center. I was on the operating room table with the surgeons, ready to go, scalpels in hand, 59 minutes after the shark bite.

[Dax Shepard]

Wow.

[Monica Padman]

Wow.

[Dax Shepard]

It's kind of crazy you lived that long. I mean, I just have. You must have lost so much blood, they start pumping blood into you immediately.

[Jane]

I'm not sure. I do know the anesthesiologist. The day after the surgery, he stopped by my room and he said. When I heard that the incoming trauma Victim was a 62 year old shark bite victim with massive blood loss, he said, I didn't have a lot of hope for. But your heart and lungs responded like you were in your 20s and that's why you survived. I had been doing all this outdoor group exercise. Yes, that really helped. Of course, if I hadn't been exercising, I wouldn't have been out there swimming.

[Dax Shepard]

It's six half dolls. How long was the recovery from that?

[Jane]

I was in the hospital for three weeks. I was in the ICU for only one day because the wounds, although they were really bad, they were quite repairable. The surgery took about two hours. They had to Just stop the bleeding in my legs. They looked all through my belly and amaz. It did not break through this sheath called the peritoneum that separates all the muscle and fat and whatnot from the internal organs. So no internal organ damage. There was a chip off of my left femur, but no broken bones. And amazingly, it missed the big arteries to the leg. According to the surgeon, the big artery that runs down front of your body into the leg. The iliac artery. He said it missed the artery by a millimeter, like 20th of an inch. It's amazing. The iliac, this artery is literally touching the big nerve that goes down into the leg that you use for your quads. That nerve was completely destroyed, Unusable. My right quads don't work. But the blood vessel that's touching it untouched. And the surgeon said, look, if it had been a millimeter over, you would have bled to death before you got to the beach.

[Steve]

Right?

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, my God.

[Jane]

The surgeon, who's been a trauma emergency room surgeon for a dozen years, said I'm the luckiest patient he's ever seen.

[Monica Padman]

Wow.

[Dax Shepard]

And would you ever swim in the ocean again?

[Jane]

No.

[Steve]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

Good. I'm so glad to hear you say that. I think a lot of you folks would be like, nope, still love it. I respect the shark. I know I'm back in.

[Monica Padman]

I'm proud of you. I'm glad you're staying away.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

That there's other places again.

[Jane]

Yeah. I swim at the swimming pool at the community.

[Dax Shepard]

We've only heard one story comparable to that. We talked to a guy attacked by a grizzly bear once, and it's kind of on that level.

[Jane]

Let me give you a sense of how big that shark is. They figured this out by looking at the inter tooth distance. And the expert says that the shark was 15ft. I googled that, and it says that's probably 2,000 pounds. No way I'm getting back in that water.

[Dax Shepard]

Good. Yeah, good. Let's stay out of there. Oh, boy.

[Monica Padman]

What a story that is gonna sit with.

[Dax Shepard]

Might even show up tonight during our slumber. Exact.

[Monica Padman]

Exactly.

[Dax Shepard]

Wow.

[Jane]

I was afraid of that. It's part of why I don't go back in the water. Every now and then I close my eyes, I do see a shark.

[Dax Shepard]

No, Steve, we're born with a fear of monsters. And you actually got bit by a monster.

[Heather]

Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

You were attacked by a monster. Thank you for sharing that.

[Dax Shepard]

That was harrowing.

[Monica Padman]

Really harrowing.

[Jane]

You're welcome. I do also want to say thank you to the blood donors in that two hour operation. I took 28 units of blood, which in round numbers is twice what a body holds.

[Monica Padman]

We're lucky to have you. We are lucky to still have you here.

[Dax Shepard]

Attitude.

[Jane]

It's been two years and I'm mostly better. I still have some nerve damage in my legs, so they're sort of prickly. And I'm on medicine. My right quads don't work at this point. I had some surgery. Maybe it can come back. Don't know.

[Dax Shepard]

Fingers crossed.

[Jane]

In the meantime, I can walk pretty well and I can even ride a bicycle. So I'm doing great.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, Wonderful. Well, Steve, thanks so much.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah. Have a great rest of your day. We appreciate it.

[Dax Shepard]

Stay out of the water.

[Jane]

Yeah, Will too.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay.

[Brittany]

Bye.

[Dax Shepard]

Bye. Bye.

[Jane]

Bye.

[Dax Shepard]

From 721 delivery driver stories.

[Tyler]

Hello.

[Dax Shepard]

Hello there. Now, Rags. This is a great name. Is that your nickname or just one you made up for this interview?

[Tyler]

That's my childhood nickname I got when I was about 10, 11 years old.

[Dax Shepard]

What instigated that nickname?

[Tyler]

Probably derived from my last name. It's an Italian last name, so they just kind of shortened it up a little bit.

[Monica Padman]

I like it.

[Tyler]

Even my parents called me that when I was a kid. It's a good nickname.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, now listen, listen. Can I attribute this great vascularity in your left bicep to the fact that you're carrying a lot of packages or are you in the gym also?

[Tyler]

I do gym also. I mean, this job will keep you young, that's for sure.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, my grandpa. Sorry. Go ahead. I'm gonna tell you about my grandpa's your time. You don't wanna hear about my grandpa.

[Tyler]

I'll listen to your grandpa. I love grandpa stories.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, he carried these 60 pound bags of flour, Wonder Bread for like 40 years. So his biceps were like fucking bowling balls. And he never in his life lifted a weight. But what glorious biceps, right?

[Tyler]

It was a different generation back then. You know, they all worked hard like that.

[Dax Shepard]

You had to earn your biceps back then.

[Monica Padman]

I have a feeling your story is going to have to do with the shirt you're wearing. I don't know if we're allowed to say.

[Dax Shepard]

We should probably not say.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, we shouldn't say unless.

[Dax Shepard]

But I'm making that assumption too.

[Tyler]

Probably keep that under wraps. I'm taking a little lunch break. We'll just say one of the big three delivery companies.

[Monica Padman]

Okay, great.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, so hit us with your crazy delivery story. Well, let me back back up without saying who you work for. We've had a pizza delivery person. We've had A flower delivery. I would imagine for them, they're going to hit like 15 customers a shift. You must hit, what, like, 40, 70, 100 houses a day or something?

[Tyler]

150, 160 a day somewhere around there. Plus businesses tied in. It's a busy business.

[Dax Shepard]

You're constantly walking up to people's houses. I would love this, by the way.

[Tyler]

It's a great job. I love the physicality of it. I love that there's not a boss with you all day. They leave you alone for the most part, unless you're up.

[Dax Shepard]

Do people ever tip? I have, but I don't know how common that is.

[Tyler]

Well, you know what? On my old route, which I loved, I was there for 18, 19 years. It's a little small town. I knew everybody. It was great. This guy would give me a $20 bill every time.

[Dax Shepard]

Every time.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, that's so nice.

[Tyler]

You could sit there and try to reject it. He would just be like, I don't want it. You take it. Super nice, dude. But, yeah, we get tips every once in a while, Christmas time especially, people give gift cards and leave snacks out on the porch. Whoever's out there listening, leave snacks out for Christmas. We appreciate that kind of stuff.

[Dax Shepard]

So I interrupted you. There's one that was crazy. Among, I'm sure, many you have.

[Tyler]

Yeah, I have a lot of them. But, yeah, one is crazy. It was about 10 years ago in a rural part of Ohio. You know, on a back road, I found a guy dead outside of his house.

[Dax Shepard]

Right?

[Monica Padman]

Whoa.

[Tyler]

He lived on this back road. And when you pull up to his house, he had a long driveway that went down in. He had a camera up top. By the time he got to the back of the truck and grabbed the package, he would have already walked up the driveway. Driveway. And then by the time you got out, you just handed it to him and he went on his way. And then I would go on my way. So it was probably 10th, 15th time I delivered to him. I pull up there and, you know, he doesn't show up. So I give a little double tap on the horn, give him a little bit extra time. And this guy's a hoarder. He's got a lot of junk and a lot of stuff, and you can't even see the house from, like, the top of the road. So when he doesn't show up, I'm sitting there going, well, I'll just fucking walk this thing down. So I'm heading down the driveway, and my head's on a swivel because this guy's got so much junk. And the first thing I'm thinking about is if who's got this much stuff, he's probably got a dog to protect. Protect it, you know what I mean? I don't want to get bit. I'm on high alert. It's like sensory overload at this point. It's like November, so it's cold in Ohio and all the leaves are off the tree. So it's kind of eerie, you know, walking down this driveway.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, this sounds a little bit like a zombie apocalypse for sure.

[Tyler]

So I'm walking down there and I hear this radio playing from the house. And it's 150, 200 yards away. So I don't think anything of it. I'm walking down there and the leaves are swirling and shit. Just a creepy atmosphere. I get down there and I see this guy laying outside. It's like by a workbench. Blue collar people are always tinkering outside. So I don't think anything of it. And so I yell his name out and he doesn't respond to me. And I'm like, well, maybe you can't hear because of the radio's on. I'm getting closer and all I see is his legs sticking out from this workbench. And I'm like, well, you know what? Halloween just passed. You know, maybe somebody stuffed a pair of jeans with some leaves or something as like a scarecrow. I'm looking around like, now this fucking guy doesn't decorate. So I'm getting closer and he's still not responding to me. And I noticed his arm was like behind his back. I could see his hand was like a grayish blue color.

[Brittany]

Oh, no.

[Tyler]

So then I'm like, either this guy's dying right now or he's already dead.

[Monica Padman]

O yeah.

[Tyler]

And then it's swirling. You're like, well, what the do I do? I might have to save this guy's life. You know, I was a boy scout when I was a kid. I took a lifeguard class on a cpr, but that goes right out the window. So I get closer and get closer. This is where it gets fucked up.

[Dax Shepard]

Wait, this is where it gets fucked up?

[Tyler]

Yeah, this is where it gets even more fucked up. So he's got a lot of cats. I mean, they're everywhere. Top of the roof of the house. They're in like broke down washer and dryer that's in the yard. And they're all doing this weird meowing and shit. And I'm just like, what the fuck? So as I get Closer. I definitely, definitely realize that he's dead. And when I get closer, the cats are up by his head and they are chewing.

[Monica Padman]

No, no.

[Tyler]

This is what's crazy. The day I responded. Am I allowed to name drop the lady that got a hold of me through the email? Okay, props to Emma.

[Monica Padman]

Big props.

[Dax Shepard]

No, Emma's this secret weapon that no one meets. Yeah, she's incredible.

[Tyler]

Absolutely. She did a great job. So when I'm responding to this email, I like Theo Von. Little quick thing pops up on my phone about him, and it's about, cats will eat their owners if they die inside the house.

[Dax Shepard]

I read the same post from Theo. Yeah.

[Tyler]

Fuck, yeah. He goes, they won't even wait. They'll just start. So I get up there. There's probably five to ten cats up there.

[Dax Shepard]

Ew.

[Tyler]

I just got, like, a brief look because I didn't want to see any more, you know, And I could see what they were doing, and it just wasn't pretty. And I kind of like, you know, clapped my hands a little bit to make them scatter, shoot, scream, scream. And they did to a degree. And then at that point, I'm like, well, what the fuck do I do now? And I was like, well, probably call the sheriff.

[Dax Shepard]

Really quick question. This is such a low priority given what you're dealing with, but did it cross your mind, like, well, I can keep this package?

[Tyler]

No, that never crossed my mind.

[Dax Shepard]

I think that would have crossed my mind, like, well, he's dead. He doesn't need this package.

[Tyler]

I was just trying not to get eaten alive by the cats.

[Nick]

That's all.

[Tyler]

I was worried about just getting the fuck out of there.

[Monica Padman]

How long did you think it was? Were you like, this is over a day?

[Tyler]

Being in November, it was probably like 40 some degrees. So it probably preserved the body a little bit. And so when the sheriff showed up or the deputy, he comes down. I don't mean to think this is funny, but he walks up, he goes, yep, he's dead.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. My God, you get desensitized in these jobs.

[Tyler]

And so he said it was probably a few days he was out there. You know, if this was August, you guys, you probably would have smelled him from the top of the driveway.

[Dax Shepard]

How old was this gentleman?

[Tyler]

Probably mid-60s, somewhere around. He was an older gentleman.

[Dax Shepard]

And was the theory maybe he dropped dead of a heart attack or had he injured himself on this saw?

[Tyler]

I'm thinking he had a heart and then just felt dead on the spot because I didn't want to touch him either, in case something Crazy did happen. Somebody showed up, murdered him.

[Dax Shepard]

My imagination might have ran away with me when I had already felt scared walking down. It's a very creepy property. Too many washing machines and rusted out cars and tractors. You see the dead body, you might think, is there a murderer in the house?

[Tyler]

You just never know. It was crazy.

[Dax Shepard]

Total sidebar. But on first glance, the thing about the cats, it feeds my narrative that I don't like cats and I like dogs. But then I was just thinking about this. If I die and Rob and Monica wanted to eat me, I'd also be extremely flattered by that.

[Monica Padman]

No, that's disgusting.

[Dax Shepard]

You wouldn't be flattered if you died and Rob and I wanted to eat me?

[Monica Padman]

Dad, that's so disrespectful.

[Tyler]

I see both your guys points.

[Monica Padman]

Wait, no, you don't. No one sees Dax's point on this.

[Dax Shepard]

If we're on an island and we.

[Monica Padman]

Have no food, well, that's fine.

[Dax Shepard]

That's different. It would mean, like, you guys loved me so much you wanted to consume me after I died.

[Steve]

No muscle's too tough.

[Dax Shepard]

We wouldn't have anything. It would be terrible. There's no debate there. It's just I think I'd feel flatter if a cat ate me. I'd be like, you motherfucker, you never loved me. But what I'm saying is, if you guys chose to eat me, I would feel very loved by that.

[Brittany]

Okay, eating ceremony.

[Monica Padman]

I'm not going to be doing that.

[Dax Shepard]

So is this a part of your job you like too? If you're an accountant every day, yeah. You're going to come across some crazy receipts one day, but you're not going to probably wander upon a dead body with cats. I would like that part of your job.

[Tyler]

Job I do. That's why I've done it for so long. There's always something new around the corner that you've never seen. Whether it pisses you off or you're like, wow, that was pretty cool.

[Dax Shepard]

Have you ever caught people making love?

[Tyler]

I've heard it, but I've never really seen it. I mean, I've had people open the doors naked and it's always usually the dudes that do it.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, come on. Dudes.

[Monica Padman]

Dudes need to get their together. It is a real problem.

[Tyler]

Answer the door like an adult.

[Monica Padman]

I know.

[Brittany]

No.

[Monica Padman]

My God.

[Dax Shepard]

This is a show. Stop.

[Monica Padman]

This was incredible.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, I mean, this is making.

[Monica Padman]

This is top five.

[Tyler]

Thank you.

[Dax Shepard]

Let's just all agree that nothing will ever, ever pass. The woman in a marathon who herself and then had an orgasm. I will never hear a story as long as I live.

[Tyler]

I didn't expect to top that one.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, there's no beating that.

[Tyler]

Mine doesn't even hold that jock strap for that one.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, she's the Jordan. And well, great meeting you, Rags. This is a party.

[Tyler]

No, thank you guys so much. You guys made this easy. And also another thing, you know, when I was going through that whole story, props to EMTs and shit that have to deal with that stuff on a regular basis to keep their cool. Shout out to those guys for sure.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. When shit gets too heavy for us, we have people we call and then they show up.

[Monica Padman]

There are other humans on earth.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, well, great meeting you, Rags. I hope we're keeping you company on the road there.

[Tyler]

Yeah, you guys made my day.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, Wonderful.

[Monica Padman]

Thank you.

[Dax Shepard]

All right, Take care, brother. We are supported by Quints. Tis the season of holiday gifting. But finding the perfect gift can be pretty overwhelming. For timeless gifts made from premium materials at an affordable price. Quince has your back. Quince lets you treat your loved ones and yourself yourself to quality essentials like their Mongolian cashmere sweaters, which start at just $50. That's an elevated gift at a price that won't break the bank. Or for more winter coziness, try their super soft fleece sweatpants or their packable puffer jackets. Both perfect for anyone who's traveling for the holidays.

[Monica Padman]

Yes. Okay. They also have. They're called ultra stretch point P O N T E straight leg pants. And they are really, really great. They're great for.

[Dax Shepard]

They're very cozy gift luxury this holiday season without the luxury price tag. Go to quince.comdax for 365 day returns plus free shipping on your order. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E.comdax to get free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.comdax we are supported by BetterHelp. There are so many things to love about discovery. December, it's holiday season. There are breaks from work and school on the calendar to spend time with loved ones, not to mention delicious seasonal treats. Staying cozy in the winter months is essential. And therapy can be a great way to bring yourself some comfort that never goes away, even when the seasons change.

[Monica Padman]

Therapy is essential to me during the holidays, especially because I generally am going home, right?

[Dax Shepard]

Yes.

[Monica Padman]

And I need sort of some stability and guidance to stay nice.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, if you've ever been considering starting therapy, give better help a try. It's completely online, so it's Easy to integrate into your schedule. BetterHelp is flexible too. It's easy to book or move appointments on their platform. And if the therapist you're matched with isn't the right fit, you can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. Find comfort this December with better help. Visit betterhelp.comdax today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp. H E L p.comdax we are supported by Squarespace. If you've been to the Armchair Expert website, you've seen Squarespace in action. Wabi Wab made our website using Squarespace, the all in one website platform for entrepreneurs to stand out and succeed on. What I love about Squarespace is, aside from the functionality, it's just so visually pleasing. And Rob was able to whip this up in no time with all the incredible templates that were available to him.

[Monica Padman]

It looks very professional.

[Dax Shepard]

Squarespace just looks good. And Squarespace optimizes your website for every device, so it looks incredible whether users are on their computer, phone or tablet. No matter what type of site you want to build, Squarespace can help you make it. Want to make an online store? Squarespace makes checkout seamless for your customers with simple but powerful payment tools. Want to sell exclusive content on your site? Squarespace has the option to add a paywall so you can sell memberships and courses or files that your customers can download, like music or ebooks. Check out squarespace.com for a free trial and when you're ready to get started, go to squarespace.comdax to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. That's squarespace.com Dax to get started today from 704 Greatest Fears. Hello. Hello.

[Monica Padman]

Hi.

[Dax Shepard]

We have dueling dog pictures behind our heads. You've got a golden retriever or two. Those are different.

[Heather]

Yeah, two. Nellie on the left. I can't even tell left or right from your view, but Rooney is the other one. One is like a sweet angel and the other is like crackhead.

[Dax Shepard]

They sound alternative. Rooney and Ellie, they sound like they're into alternative stuff.

[Heather]

Nelly. Short for Penelope.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh. Also a cute alternative.

[Monica Padman]

I love these names.

[Dax Shepard]

Do you have any children?

[Heather]

I do not.

[Dax Shepard]

Right. I would have guessed that because the care with which you've given these dogs names, most people are just like, oh, fucking whatever. We'll call them. Gus. This is Matt. Ridiculous.

[Heather]

Well, I feel like I'll always have these photos now that I printed them, so they'll always have their space whether we have kids or not.

[Dax Shepard]

I hope you Use framebridge to mount and display those.

[Heather]

I wanted to. This was like a cheap rush.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, so, Jane, you had one of your greatest fears come true. Is this true?

[Heather]

Yes, I did. Gonna be a little cringe worthy.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, okay.

[Monica Padman]

We're excited.

[Heather]

Little backstory. My husband and I had gone to visit my parents for like a long weekend. We had a wedding. My parents were sell their house. So their estate sale. Like, no furniture in the house, no beds except for the one they were sleeping in. So my husband and I basically slept on the floor one night because the air mattress deflated. And then the next night, patio cushions, makeshift bed in the family room with my sister. It was kind of a long weekend with that not sleeping well. And then we were driving home and we were kind of like, we haven't done the deed in a while. The long weekend. Whatever happened the week before, it had been a while.

[Dax Shepard]

I just want to point out that I'm proud. Proud of you. That a long weekend without was a long time.

[Monica Padman]

No, no, she said the week before.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, she did? Yeah. Okay. I thought just you hadn't banged on the weekend and that had been a long time. That was an exciting timetable.

[Heather]

But normally the weekends, we try to make time for each other. You know, we're not working or stressed. So the week before and then the weekend, we were horny. We were on the ride home, we were like, all right, we gotta scratch the itch when we get home. We get home, we unpack a little bit, and I think I was just like scrolling on my phone on the couch, and my husband, you know, gave me the eye. We made our way to the bedroom and went from there. I think for those earlier reasons, I was a bit more vocal than normal.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay. Because of the build up.

[Heather]

Yes. I had even. I really rarely do this, but, like, gave a little instruction, you know, a little to the left.

[Dax Shepard]

Wonderful. This is the dream.

[Tyler]

Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

Should be doing that.

[Heather]

Right? A great experience. And then. Then we're nearing the end, and my phone starts to vibrate. Like, I'm getting a call. I kind of just ignore it. I'm like, oh, my sister's probably calling me. And then my husband's phone starts to buzz as well. But we're like, so close to the end. We're like, we're just gonna power through and figure it out after we finish.

[Dax Shepard]

I just. I'm having Aaron weekly flashbacks, but please continue.

[Heather]

So immediately after he looks up and sees my phone is towards the head of the bed by the pillows, and. And he goes, are you on Instagram? Live right now.

[Monica Padman]

No, you are kidding. You are kidding me. No, no.

[Heather]

I panic. I've never flipped over so fast to grab my phone.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, my God.

[Heather]

I knew Monica would do.

[Dax Shepard]

This is. I love this.

[Nick]

Horrifying.

[Dax Shepard]

Wow. And even worse. Worse, I'd be a. Oh, my God, panic. And then you'd be like, well, I only have so many followers. Probably no one saw. But then you're like, well, no. People are already warning us that people I know have seen this.

[Heather]

I'm immediately, like, our phones were buzzing. So I flip over. I see it's like face up, camera is facing to the ceiling. It's on live. There's a few names underneath. You can only see a few, like, who are in the live. Oh, of course. One of the only ones I saw was an ex, boyfriend and, like, an old friend. That's all I see before I just panic. Exit out of everything.

[Dax Shepard]

Plus your phone down the toilet.

[Heather]

I wanted to. I immediately was just running around the house naked. Like, what do I do with myself? Like, I can't even fathom. I got a call from a friend I hadn't talked to in forever. And she was like, I know we haven't talked in a long time, but I would have wanted you to call me if you noticed. And I was like, I have no words. I'm so embarrassed. She was like, I joined and immediately left and started calling you. People got messages like, janie went live.

[Dax Shepard]

Yes, of course.

[Heather]

On their phone.

[Dax Shepard]

I've seen that. When the people I'm following go live, I get alerted.

[Heather]

Piecing it together. I. I call my sister. Freaking out. My husband just was like, oh, gosh. Jumps in the shower, doesn't give a fuck.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, my God.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, he kind of killed it. Sounds like he was killing it. He's like, he's proud as a peacock.

[Monica Padman]

So what do you think?

[Dax Shepard]

I'm glad your ex boyfriend heard that. I brought it home.

[Monica Padman]

What do you think people saw if it was facing the ceiling? Do you think they just heard?

[Heather]

So they just heard.

[Monica Padman]

Okay.

[Heather]

Thank God I'm not typically noisy. I just happen to be like, you know what? Screw it. This is a great experience. I'm gonna be louder. I just.

[Dax Shepard]

I can' but you know what's interesting really quick? So for me, on the outside and acknowledging I'm a man, if I had to get caught having sex, that would be the version I'd want. Which is like, I'm kind of a hellcat and a lot of fun, honestly.

[Heather]

He's in the shower. I'm just pacing. He was like, you should just post on your story. Like, well, hope you enjoyed the show. Yeah, I really contemplated it. I was like, I guess we can own it. Yeah, whatever.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Heather]

But my sister was like, ignorant. Ignore it. It never happened. Don't talk about it.

[Dax Shepard]

Think how much different it could have gone. The conversation they could overheard is like, I know. Yeah. Get lube. Oh, where is the lube? Oh, do you need a minute? Do I need to help? It could have been impotence and it could have been dryness and it could have been like maybe an ouch. Look, we all know how it can go.

[Heather]

Yeah. I've replayed the sex in my mind so many times. Like, what exactly was I saying? I have nightmares. I will often. This happens, honestly every other time. Now if I don't leave my phone outside of the room, I mid sex, I'm like, I have to look at my phone and make sure it's off.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, my gosh. Scarring.

[Heather]

I like to get the anxiety, but mostly it seems like it was just girlfriends, which, whatever, that's fine. But the ex, I don't.

[Dax Shepard]

The ex boyfriend was just even more wishing he was still with you. That's a win.

[Monica Padman]

It should be harder to go live.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, you should have to like, type in a code or something. You should give your password.

[Heather]

I've never gone live before.

[Brittany]

You have to swipe up, hit start.

[Heather]

Like, I don't know how my hand. I just threw my phone on the bed. So I got a notification from Instagram shortly after. Like, you've been flagged for sexual activity.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, wow.

[Heather]

Well, my sister's friend reported it because she thought it would, like, end it. Like, it would get cut off.

[Dax Shepard]

That makes sense. Although now you're a registered sex offender.

[Heather]

Thank God I'm private. I don't know if co workers thought. I have no idea. I'm a nurse. There could have been doctors that I work with is on and I don't know, nobody has brought it up to me.

[Dax Shepard]

And I imagine all your interactions for the next week, you're like hyper focused on, like, are they acting differently among me? Which makes you act differently, which then could make them act differently.

[Heather]

Yeah, the flag on Instagram, like took it off and it said 7M underneath. Seven minutes.

[Monica Padman]

No, that is long.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, no.

[Heather]

I was like, maybe it was seven minutes ago. And then the longer I thought I was like, no, that was the entire experience. Seven whole minutes. People going in and out, in and out of the live. I have no words. It was so scary in the moment. But I mean, I Laugh about it. I tell everybody now.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, it's fantastic. Did you happen to hear my best friend Aaron Weekley's story about being on a Zoom AA meeting in the morning and he had no idea. His microphone diarrhea. Yes. Yelling at his dad, dog coughing.

[Heather]

Yeah, I think about it all the time.

[Dax Shepard]

That's worse. Because he was, like, as gross as he can possibly be.

[Brittany]

Right.

[Heather]

And I was like, what? Did I sound hot?

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, right.

[Heather]

I was calling friends. Like, did it sound good or was I like a beached whale?

[Dax Shepard]

From what you described, it sounds really hot.

[Brittany]

I like to think so.

[Monica Padman]

I'm sure it was.

[Heather]

I really almost posted. Hope you enjoyed the show.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, that's great.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, that's a good one.

[Heather]

I'll never not think about it when I'm having sex. Hopefully in a year I'll not think about it.

[Dax Shepard]

Since you have these two dogs, are you guys ever having sex and you look away from your husband, you notice one of your dogs just staring you directly in the eye?

[Heather]

Well, that or they start, like, licking toes. We usually lock them out, but, you know, sometimes, you know, it's random they're there.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, we used to have a dog, Lola, that would, like, try to get right in the action. All of a sudden you're like, what's my leg? There's something hairy.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, man.

[Dax Shepard]

Geez Louise. Oh, Jane, thanks for that.

[Monica Padman]

It's a good cautionary tale, too. Keep your fucking away out of the room.

[Heather]

Well, I wanted to say thank you guys. We had a really rough year last year, and this year is starting off better. And we are going into a fertility treatment in a couple days. And I just feel so positive and happy and so excited. You guys really did that for me. And that means more than, you know, going into this process.

[Dax Shepard]

Did you listen to race to 35?

[Heather]

A hundred percent. I did. It felt really good to hear people talking about it because you just see the same stories you Google. It's the same people. There's not a lot. I appreciate you guys so much.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, thank you so much.

[Monica Padman]

Sending you lots of luck and love.

[Dax Shepard]

Triple fingers crossed.

[Heather]

Thank you.

[Dax Shepard]

All right. Great meeting you, Jane. Good luck with everything.

[Heather]

You too.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, bye. Bye. From 7:47 house sitting stories. Tyler.

[Nick]

Hi. Yes.

[Dax Shepard]

How you doing?

[Nick]

I'm doing really well. It's really great to meet you right now.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. Where are you at?

[Nick]

I'm in Palatine, Illinois, right next to.

[Jane]

Where I grew up.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, Robbie. Rob said that's right where he grew up.

[Monica Padman]

Neighbors.

[Steve]

I went to high school at Friend.

[Dax Shepard]

Where Friend. Friend. Friends do you know, Fremd High School.

[Nick]

I don't think I have even passed that one.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay. Did you move here as an adult?

[Nick]

Once I married my wife. We moved to Palatine, Illinois.

[Dax Shepard]

Neighbor to Wabiwop. Yeah. Maybe one day you'll have children that'll end up going to Fremd. Fremd. Terrible name for a school. Yeah. It's like. Is it friend? But did they misspell Last name? William a.m. friend. Fred. It's terrible. Okay, how did you spell that? Wobby, W, F, R, E, M, D. That terrible. Okay, Tyler, please. You have a house sitting story for us?

[Nick]

Yes, I do. So this takes place in Sugar Grove, Illinois. That's really close to Naperville, Illinois, if you're familiar with that.

[Dax Shepard]

I know it very well. Bob Odenkirk's from there.

[Nick]

Perfect. So Sugar Grove's just 15 minutes west. I was asked to watch my best friend's family's house, and I was also to watch their family dog while they were gone. They would be gone for a full week. I've watched their house quite a few times. So there was nothing new about this. And the first few days went completely fine. And it was Thursday night that things went a little bit different. I went to sleep with a movie on. It was late, and it was approximately 2am I had woken up and to explain a little bit of the layout of the house. It is an open concept living room, and it's a conjoined dining room and kitchen. And I had the dog with me on the couch. So I wake up and I see that the dog is kind of going crazy. She's just a small shih Tzu. She's barking up a storm, and. And I just slowly turn around and there is just glass shrapnel all over the ground of the dining room. There's dishware all over. I look at the appliances in the kitchen and where the dishwasher is, it's just pulverized. The door's like, off the hinge.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, my God. Hold on. We were just handed photos of the scene. I don't think the listener can even imagine the amount of destruction oh, my God. That has happened in this kitchen. And I'm immediately curious how the you slept through whatever happened.

[Monica Padman]

It's like a demo.

[Dax Shepard]

It feels like, yes, they were demoing the kitchen.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, my God.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, wait. Okay. So the dog's freaking out. You look over, there's shit everywhere.

[Nick]

I'm trying to comprehend what I'm seeing. I had come from a very deep sleep, and I did kind of Sleep through whatever the initial noise was. And I'm looking at the kitchen. Kitchen. And I'm thinking to myself, what caused this? I smell some gas in the air. Maybe there was an earthquake that came through. Because I could hear some rumblings going on.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, that's what it looks like.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, like a 9.6.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah.

[Nick]

I can't really think very well, but at the same time I'm like, I gotta call my friend Tim. I give him a call. They're in New Jersey.

[Dax Shepard]

Hold on a second. Tyler, what on earth are you gonna tell them?

[Monica Padman]

But Tim's the friend. Yeah. Okay.

[Dax Shepard]

Yep. Looking at these pictures again, we're gonna have to somehow post them or something. There's no explana. You gotta have an explanation before you call Tim. Right.

[Nick]

So that's the part that is really funny. This voicemail that I left because they're in New Jersey, so they're definitely asleep at this time. And I'm like, hey, Tim, I hope that your vacation's going well. Things are getting weird here, so if you can give me a call back, that would be great. Thanks.

[Dax Shepard]

Bye. Oh, my God. It's like a poltergeist is in the house.

[Nick]

Okay. I smell. Smell gas. Oh, no. Did I leave the oven on? Did I blow up the oven and destroy the kitchen? But a moment later, I hear a knock at the door. A little unsettling because it's really early. And I just make my way to the door and I'm like, oh, it's a neighbor. They're probably checking. They probably heard the explosion. I open the door and I can see his face is a little concerned. He's like, hey, you know that there's a car in your house right now? And I'm like, what do you mean? Like a car went through your house?

[Dax Shepard]

Give me that other picture. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Leah, look in the garage. There's a fucking car buried in the corner. Okay. Okay.

[Nick]

Immediately I just go like, man, that is so much better. I thought I blew up the kitchen.

[Dax Shepard]

This is way better.

[Nick]

He's like, no, no, it's a car through your garage. And so we can see that the red and blue lights are coming into the subdivision. I go inside, I grab a shirt, I grab the dog, and I wait for the ambulance to approach. The fire chief comes to me and he's like, are you all right? Is everything fine? I'm like, well, things are damaged in there, but I'm fine. He's like, we gotta make sure that the house isn't compromised in any Way. So he goes in, and as I'm standing outside, another neighbor comes over to me and he's like, hey, are you the homeowner? I'm like, no, I'm actually just house sitting. And he's like, well, I'm the one that called 911. I was awake at the time of the collision, so I ran outside, and I can see that there's a young guy coming out of the wall of the home. And he looks like he's about to run. And so I tell him, stop right there. We need to wait for the cops to come. And moments later, my buddy Tim finally gives me a call back. And this is where I finally get a chance to go around the house and check the damage. As we put it together later, what the driver did was he came from the entrance of the subdivision. It's a curved road, and it goes into a straight. Instead of taking that straight, he went through the curve. He went over an empty grass lot, and he went over a curb, a road, another curve, up into the. And through the bushes, and nailed the one car garage that's attached to the house.

[Dax Shepard]

So he blew through the side of the garage, not the garage door?

[Steve]

Yes.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, my God.

[Monica Padman]

Right?

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. Like, right? There's a huge wall behind that bush.

[Monica Padman]

Okay.

[Nick]

He made it through that first wall, and he obliterated all the tools that are in there. That was mostly what the garage was used for.

[Monica Padman]

Climbed out of the wall.

[Nick]

The car stops its impact at the final wall, which is the shared wall between the kitchen and that garage. So that destroyed the oven and threw all that shrapnel through the kitchen.

[Monica Padman]

I can't believe you did not wake up.

[Dax Shepard]

How on earth, Tyler, did you not wake up?

[Monica Padman]

A car literally drove through a house.

[Dax Shepard]

That's a joke. You'd say to your partner, like, you sleep so deep, a fucking truck could run through here and you wouldn't even wake up. Like, I even wonder if the dog hadn't been barking, if you would have just woke up the next day.

[Nick]

I usually tell the story as I had the movie up very loud, there was an action movie going on.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay. Watching Die Hard.

[Monica Padman]

God. Wow.

[Dax Shepard]

Holy fuck.

[Nick]

The fire chief comes back out. He's like, hey, do you have anywhere you can stay for the night? And I'm like, no, the dog's got all her stuff in there, so I gotta stay here. And he's like, okay, that's fine. If you're fine with a hole in the house, we cut the gas, so that should be fine for tonight at least. The Next morning comes. He did inform me that an inspector would be coming in to check the house to see how it was compromised. The inspector comes, he goes down into the basement. He comes back upstairs, and he's like, we're going to wait for the homeowner so I can speak to him and go through all the insurance stuff that needs to be done. And so he leaves. About a couple hours later, Tim's dad finally arrives.

[Dax Shepard]

They have cut their trip short, obviously, to come deal with this.

[Nick]

Yep. He actually came back by himself. He left the rest of the family in New Jersey to finish the vacation. He just wanted to get a jump on all of the insurance stuff, and he was just so overwhelmed. He comes in and he's so happy that I'm fine. I was sleeping on the couch.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, he was going another 30 miles an hour. Still wouldn't have woke up.

[Nick]

The shrapnel definitely hit the back of the couch. So he was just so happy that everything was fine on my end. But as we're reminiscing, he's like, do you smell some gas? I'm like, they said they cut the gas. We go outside, and there were many people that day just driving by, looking at the hole in the house. So the police officer was there. We flag him down, and we're like, hey, we smell some gas. Right away, he calls the fire department. The fire department that was there earlier in the morning, they come back, they check, and they see that the inspector that was there, he had thought that the gas was still on, so he turned it off, but he really just turned it back on.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, my God.

[Monica Padman]

God.

[Dax Shepard]

Oopsies. That's a mistake that shouldn't really be able to be made, because a gas line, if the thing's in line with the gas pipe, it's on, and if it's perpendicular, it's off. That's how they're made.

[Nick]

Yeah. I was in my mid-20s, so I didn't know how any of that really worked. We had learned a week later about what happened to the driver. The driver's blood alcohol level was twice the legal limit, and he had cocaine in his system.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, he should have been more alert. Should have seen that curve coming.

[Nick]

They found a scale in his car, and they had said that he was probably connected to some of the local drug dealing around the area. He actually lived just a few doors down. That is probably where he would have ran off to. But he did not have a great time that evening.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, wow. So he got arrested.

[Nick]

Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, boy.

[Dax Shepard]

Hopefully he ended up in Treatment. That's a pretty good low. It's a good story in an AA meeting. Did you get eyes on him that night?

[Nick]

I saw the kid just sitting there on the curb and the cops were over him, just watching him. So he was fine from what I could see. What I learned later on was I heard rumbling happening what I thought was an earthquake. That was actually the kid trying to.

[Dax Shepard]

Get out of the car for sure.

[Jane]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

You got to get out of there.

[Heather]

Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

My God.

[Dax Shepard]

Let's go. Wow. Are we allowed to post those pictures? Do you think the homeowner would be fine with that? Yeah, yeah, I think we got to post those. I don't think anyone would realize how insanely damaging this event is. How funny, though, you're trying to make exploded. Trying to make sense of the kitchen that literally just self detonated.

[Nick]

I'm really sad we didn't have the voicemail. We kept that voicemail that I had left to my buddy Tim for about a year or two, but when he changed phones, he forgot to keep it.

[Monica Padman]

Damn it.

[Nick]

We listened to it so many times, and every time it's just like something weird is going on. I can't comprehend what I'm seeing, but it's not good.

[Dax Shepard]

I'm so glad I saw it in the order I did. Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

That was great.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, this great. Oh, Tyler, that's a. That was a home run of a story. Yeah, man. All the drawers are thrown out, the island's been shoved forward.

[Monica Padman]

But it would be so confusing because it's not like a robbery. There is no way to piece together what could have possibly.

[Dax Shepard]

Your explanation was smart, which is like, oh, there was a gas explosion.

[Monica Padman]

Right.

[Dax Shepard]

It does look like everything exploded off the wall.

[Nick]

And that far wall is where the oven it is. So it's gone. I can't even tell that it's an oven anymore. And I classically do leave an oven on once in a while, and my wife finds that, so it wouldn't be beyond me to do that.

[Dax Shepard]

The oven is gone. It's nowhere.

[Monica Padman]

I love it. You were relieved that it was a card that.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, I would have been too. Me too.

[Monica Padman]

That wasn't my fault.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, thank God. Just a car drove through the house. What a blessing.

[Monica Padman]

Very Stephanie Tanner from Full House. She drove the car through the home. Into the home.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. Oh, on coke and drunk.

[Monica Padman]

No, unfortunately.

[Dax Shepard]

Just childish, old fashioned way.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay. Oh, well, Tyler, thank you so much for sharing that story with us. That was great.

[Nick]

Of course. If you wouldn't mind, I would love to give a shout out to My wife, she was the original armchair that got me into listening to you all a couple years ago. She was listening for this prompt. Specifically, I said, if there is a house sitting story, I will submit it and I will try to tell it.

[Dax Shepard]

And what's her name?

[Nick]

Her name is Zoar.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, thank you, Zoar, for turning Tyler onto the show. And I'm so delighted you guys listen.

[Nick]

Thank you so much for listening to the story. I appreciate it.

[Dax Shepard]

All right, take care, brother. From 806 Hotel Stories.

[Brittany]

Hi there. Hi.

[Dax Shepard]

Hi. Sorry, we were saying naughty stuff, right? As you saw.

[Brittany]

Makes me happy. I love it.

[Dax Shepard]

Are you in a bunk bed with a sheet?

[Brittany]

I am in a blanket for bunk bed. Absolutely. It's my best option.

[Dax Shepard]

This is a first.

[Monica Padman]

This is good. This sounds great.

[Dax Shepard]

A lot of ingenuity happening. What do you do for a living?

[Brittany]

So I own a beach resort on the Jersey shore with my family.

[Dax Shepard]

Have you ever seen like the Situation in the Gang?

[Brittany]

No, we're not that type of Jersey shore. We're like the quaint, family friendly, low key Jersey shore.

[Dax Shepard]

Were you ever curious when they were shooting that show to wander up there and see if you could see them? I was obsessed with them.

[Brittany]

Not really our vibe. You know, we like to stay a couple islands down, but they're fun to watch.

[Dax Shepard]

I guess that's fair. Am I right to think that the season is coming to an end? Is it a good time for you or a sad time?

[Brittany]

No, it's great. Couple more weeks to go and then we're done.

[Dax Shepard]

Got it.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, I have a feeling this story is about their own. Your own.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, that would be a first. A proprietor.

[Nick]

It is.

[Brittany]

It's about our hotel. And as low key as it normally is, we see our fair share of crazy stuff. So I've got a doozy for you guys today.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay. How many rooms are there? I want to get like kind of an idea of what we're looking at.53.

[Brittany]

So we're pretty tiny. We're like a restaurant, nightclub, wedding venue.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, wow.

[Brittany]

This sounds a lot of fun.

[Dax Shepard]

Very nice. Really quickly, my grandparents owned a motel. And I was just telling Monica that my grandma many times found dead bodies. Does that happen to you?

[Brittany]

No dead bodies for us. Knock on wood.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, great, Great, great, great. Oh, sorry. Not, not, not. There we go. Okay.

[Brittany]

All right, well, I'm just gonna dive on into it. So it's a Friday morning. I'm coming into work and you know, we work some late night hours usually. So sometimes in the morning I come in around, checkout time for. For the hotel. I walk in, I open the front door right to our lobby. And normally it would be a pretty low key scene. It would be a couple people checking out, people gathering their stuff, getting ready to go. And immediately I can tell that is not the case for this morning. It is a zoo in the lobby. There is pretty much the entire hotel's worth of people standing around our tiny little lobby.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, wow.

[Brittany]

And they are losing their minds.

[Tyler]

Oh.

[Brittany]

I can immediately sense the tension in the room. And I'm overhearing people going like, what did you lose? I lost my beach towels. They were pottery bond. They're maram. We lost all our life jackets. So I am on high alert. I lock eyes with our front desk receptionist and she just gives me that nod like, go to the office. I'm gonna meet you in there. She presents me with a full yellow legal pad of missing items from hotel rooms.

[Dax Shepard]

What?

[Brittany]

Side note, we are that idyllic little town where people leave all their stuff outside of the room at night. You leave your car door doors unlocked. Everybody puts their beach towels, their beach gear outside of their room. Never been an issue. Apparently today was not that day because almost every single hotel room had come down and reported something from outside of their room missing. Nothing like this has ever happened before. So I am in a semi panic mode. You know, we want to keep our guests happy and don't know what to do. So I'm reeling, trying to think, what's our next step here? And in walks two of our managers. And I have a manager Heather, who does our front desk, and a manager Tina, who does our housekeeping. And they come in and they were in earlier than me. And we've got a story for you. One of our housekeepers had walked by one of the other rooms and noticed as she looked through an open door, a boatload of beach stuff, like mountains of beach gear in a certain hotel room. So she's like, all right, we've got an issue. So, you know, it was like 10:45 when I got in there. Checkout's 11. So I'm like, all right, let's go upstairs. I gather my girls, we head up the stairs. Some of our rooms are oceanfront and they've got private balconies. So we go to the one next to this room who's already been checked out of, and I walk out on the balcony and I'm peeking over to the next room and I'm trying to figure out, oh, my God, is this it? And I just see mountains of things all the beach towels stacked up, puddle jumpers, beach gear. I mean, everything. So it's now 1101, and this is no longer this lady's room. So I'm like, all right, let's go. So I leave my girls down the hallway. I go up, I knocked on the door. Little side note about this lady, she's already been an issue in the hotel. You know, we've got bars, we've got a nightclub. We've had a lot of complaints about.

[Dax Shepard]

Her so far already, ranging from just, she's nosy or she's aggressive.

[Brittany]

Loud, loud, aggressive. Too drunk, Causing scenes, chirping up people at the bar, being rude to the security guards. Like, you name it, she was doing it. She's been a handful.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay?

[Brittany]

So I knock on the door, tell her who I am, them, kind of give her the old, hey, had a couple complaints about some hotel rooms. Are you missing anything? She's like, oh, no, what are you talking about? And as she steps sort of to the side, I look over her shoulder and I'm like, how many towels did you bring with you on this vacation? At this point, I'm like, I'm coming in the room. So I sort of just walk past her. And our rooms have a little bit of an entry hallway, and then they open up into the larger space. So I'm coming in, and I'm clocking all the stuff. I'm seeing the towel with Olivia's name on it.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, my God.

[Brittany]

Puddle jumper with the mermaids on it that's been reported missing. I have the list with me, and I'm like, like, this is it. We've got a kleptomaniac on our hands. As I walk through the threshold to the room, I look to my right and I catch eyes with somebody I know in her bed.

[Dax Shepard]

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[Monica Padman]

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[Dax Shepard]

Oh, you did?

[Monica Padman]

I did.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, that's a great gift.

[Monica Padman]

It was a very big hit.

[Dax Shepard]

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[Brittany]

So we have a lot of different bands that play at our resort and some play weekly. And I look over and one of the trombone players from a band who plays at the resort a lot is tucked up to his chin in her.

[Dax Shepard]

Bed and just surrounded with merch.

[Brittany]

Endless gear. I mean, a hotel's full. You could have a whole camp with the amount of gear for children that is in this room. So I look at him and we're just eyes on each other. We know each other and he's a deer in headlights. So I look over at her and I'm like, hey, do you guys have any kids registered with your reservation?

[Nick]

Reservation?

[Brittany]

Because I know it's just her in this room. And she goes, oh, he has kids.

[Dax Shepard]

So she's thinking on her feet, she's.

[Brittany]

Moving quick, she's trying. But I know this guy and he does not have children of this age and I've never seen him with any family of anybody at the resort. So I look right at her and I go, that's not true. Come on. And he is still just stone cold. So I'm like, listen, guys, I'm under the assumption that you've stolen all this stuff from all of our hotel guests. I go, I'm gonna take it back. I go out to the hallway, I hootie hoot my staff and I ask them to come down and they bring a whole crew of housekeepers. I mean, this is five, six ladies, arms full of stuff, Just taking it all out.

[Dax Shepard]

At this moment in your mind, have you tried to figure out. Because I'm immediately thinking this is the act of a super hammered person that didn't really know what they were doing. Not so much that they actually are a thief that wants this stuff. My guess right now is she woke up and was just as surprised as you are that all that stuff was in her room.

[Brittany]

She was absolutely drinking the night before. But the reason that's not the case is because everything was nicely folded. She had mounds of towels rolled up perfectly and was loading them into her suitcase.

[Monica Padman]

How's she getting this out of here without people noticing?

[Dax Shepard]

Also, what the hell are you gonna do with all this stuff? Sound like it's highly resellable.

[Monica Padman]

I think it's about that. It's just about the stealing.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay?

[Brittany]

Also, she is so far on left field, I've just accused her of robbing the entire hotel. She could care less. She's smiling. She's joking with me. She is not defensive at all. I'm just like, okay, so we get all this stuff out of the room, and I look at the guy and I go, listen, I'm gonna step out of the hallway. I'm gonna give you two minutes to get decent. And after that, I'm coming in. You guys are getting out of the room. I walk out. I'm not out there 30 seconds. He comes barreling out the door, down the hallway. Won't even look at me. He's gone. So I'm like, all right, I'll deal with this guy another day. I know who this guy is. So I go back in, and I'm trying to just get the ball rolling for this lady. I'm like, you got to go.

[Dax Shepard]

We're not gonna call the cops. You're like, I'm not interested in that.

[Brittany]

I'm not even there. I'm just like, you gotta get out of this place. We have reclaimed everything. We're not gonna make of this, but you got to get out of here. So I'm grabbing her stuff for her. I'm literally. She brought a keurig machine. I'm holding a keurig that she stole.

[Monica Padman]

From the last hotel, probably.

[Brittany]

She's joking with me about the weather. She's saying how much she loves our resort. And I'm just like, we gotta go, lady. I get her down the hallway, out to her car. As we're walking, she's detailing her plans to go to the next hotel down the street and check in. And I'm like, oh, God. So I get her in her car. I'm immediately calling the other hotel owner because, you know, we're a small town being like, hey, this is coming your way. Absolutely. Do not let this lady check in. Before I can even get off the phone, I'm beeping through with another call from our housekeeping manager. And she's like, you need to get back up here right away.

[Monica Padman]

What the.

[Brittany]

I'm like, did this lady sneak back in the other side? Like, what am I getting back into? So I hustle back up there, and I get in there, and there's a team of housekeepers in there. They'd come in. It's already past checkout. They're trying to get in there and clean the room. We've got a full hotel to flip over. And they are just shocked. And I'm like, what's going on? They pull back the sheets and poop stains all over the sheets. The same bed Mr. Trombone Player was just laying in. We don't have cameras in the room so we'll never know what really happened.

[Monica Padman]

So he was covered in the poop when he was in the sheets, there.

[Brittany]

Was just poop stains, like poop juice all over the sheets.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh baby.

[Brittany]

I don't know if I was so freaked out by the situation of the theft originally that I didn't smell it, didn't notice it, like the balcony door was open. But I looked down and there's one of the little maps we give out of our island that gives like tourist spots and restaurant recommendations. Somebody moves that with a gloved hand. Pile of poop juice. Oh, we look in the bathroom, poop washcloths, everything. But we had deducted that they must have gotten absolutely hammered the night before, gone on a drunk, drunken rage of ransacking the hotel and then probably celebrated with a big round of butt sacks right before they left.

[Monica Padman]

Oh my God, who else lays in those sheets?

[Brittany]

I mean you're not gonna lay in poop sheets if you're not a part of it 100%.

[Monica Padman]

By the way, when we got on with you and we said we were just talking about naughty stuff. It was anal.

[Dax Shepard]

It was that. It was. Someone walked in on their dad pounding mom, bent over the bed, it was like 6:15 in the morning. And I said, well, no one would have anal sex in the morning. But now we're hearing this story.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, well we don't know if it was morning or night or.

[Brittany]

Yeah, celebrated poop everywhere.

[Monica Padman]

Wow.

[Brittany]

That's the whole story. I mean it ended in a good note. We have a great team. They clean the room. We have professional carpet cleaner machines. Like we took care of it. All the guests were happy just to get their stuff back. So it was a happy ending.

[Monica Padman]

Oh my God, I wonder if there was any poop on any of this stuff.

[Dax Shepard]

People are animals.

[Brittany]

It was nuts. It's been six, seven years since this story and we still call the trombone guy Roto Rooter.

[Dax Shepard]

So he stayed under your employee. Did you guys ever have any follow up conversation about that whole sitch?

[Brittany]

He left the band for a few years and then he's been back recently. I don't give him shit. I just kind of give him a little side eye when I see him.

[Monica Padman]

Like I know he has the audacity to show his face again.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, I would say to him, listen, Carl, I'm going to let you work here, but you shouldn't have sex with the guests. That's off the Table. But if it does happen, be mildly respectful.

[Brittany]

Clean up a little bit.

[Dax Shepard]

Clean up. Oh, wow.

[Brittany]

We had to throw away all the sheets, all the towels, you know, everything. I mean, the room got stripped down to bare bones and started over, but it was nasty.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, talk about insult.

[Monica Padman]

The juice description is really something.

[Dax Shepard]

This might not shock you, but in my 20 plus years in AA, this is the kind of story I hear. You know, this is generally someone's body bottom.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

For your business, pun intended.

[Brittany]

I just want to thank you guys for this. This was so much fun. I'm obsessed with your podcast. I listen every week, all the shows.

[Dax Shepard]

Thank you. That was incredible. What a morning you had.

[Monica Padman]

I love that.

[Brittany]

Great start to my weekend.

[Dax Shepard]

And all the guests, they were delighted when they got their stuff back. Everything was fine.

[Brittany]

Everybody was happy. Nobody caused a ruckus or anything. They were just happy to get their stuff and go to the beach that day.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, God, that poor woman. She's really hanging on by a thread.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, let's hope she's turned it around.

[Brittany]

Yeah, hopefully she's doing better things with her life these days.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, Brittany, thank you. That was a blast.

[Brittany]

Before I leave, my friend Heather, who was a part of the story, who turned me onto your podcast, is here. Do you care if she says hi real quick?

[Dax Shepard]

Of course. Let's say hi to Heather.

[Brittany]

She's our front desk manager. She was one of the ones that was a part of the beginning.

[Dax Shepard]

Hi. Hi, Heather.

[Heather]

Oh, my God, this is so exciting.

[Dax Shepard]

Now, did you also go take a look at the wreckage in the bed or do you take everyone's word for it?

[Monica Padman]

You got eyes on that?

[Dax Shepard]

I got eyes on all of it.

[Brittany]

It was pretty nasty.

[Monica Padman]

And would you also describe it as juice?

[Heather]

Yeah, I would say juice and then some.

[Monica Padman]

Okay, sure.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, so nice meeting both of you. This was incredible.

[Brittany]

You too. Thanks so much.

[Dax Shepard]

Take care, ladies. Follow Armchair Expert on the Wondry app, Amazon Music, or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to every episode of Armchair Expert early and ad free right now by joining Wondry plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short [e-mail] survey.

[Narrator]

They say Hollywood is where dreams are made. A seductive city where many flock to get rich, be adored and capture America's heart. But when the spotlight turns off, fame, fortune and lives can disappear in an instant. When TV producer Roy Raiden was found dead in a Canyon near LA in 1983, there were many questions surrounding his death. The last person seen with him was Lainey Jacobs, a seductive cocaine dealer who desperately wanted to be part of the Hollywood elite together. Together, they were trying to break into the movie industry. But things took a dark turn when a million dollars worth of cocaine and cash went missing. From Wondery comes a new season of the hit show Hollywood and Crime, the Cotton Club Murder. Follow Hollywood in Crime the Cotton Club Murder on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of the Cotton Club Murder early and ad free right now by joining Wondery.