Best of Friday 2025

Summary

Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard

"Best of Friday 2025" (December 26, 2025)

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Episode Overview

This "Best of Friday 2025" Armchair Anonymous features Dax Shepard and Monica Padman revisiting some of the wildest, funniest, and most jaw-dropping listener stories from the past year. The episode is a celebration of memorable mishaps, medical oddities, awkward confessions, and the ever-resilient (and hilarious) human spirit. Dax and Monica, joined by various callers, navigate stories ranging from accidental mouse consumption to subway seat disasters and cringe-worthy wedding mishaps—all infused with their signature warmth and humor.

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Key Segments, Discussion Points, and Insights

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1. Mouse in Water Bottle (03:31–13:40)

Story Summary

• Caller: From New Hampshire, recounts a horrifying tale of finding a dead, soaking wet mouse inside her stainless steel water bottle—after having used and refilled it multiple times.
• The incident occurred after a trip to Boston, in the winter, for a lacrosse camp.
• She describes her hydration routine and how she noticed something tasting off, "gritty" pieces in her mouth while driving to work—a piece of the mouse.

Notable Discussion & Quotes

• On her dependence on her water bottle:
  • Dax: "It's your blankie." (05:07)
  • Caller: "Of all the blankies to have, I think it's the best. Probably water." (05:10)
• The moment the mouse is discovered:
  • Caller: "I unscrew the lid and I dump my water into the sink. And what came out? A soaking wet, stiff as a board...dead mouse." (08:19)
  • Monica: "No, no." (08:21)
  • Dax: "It's fucking enormous. We're calling it a mouse, but also maybe a rat. Ew, its tail..." (08:55)
• On googling how common this is:
  • Caller: "This happens constantly for people who leave any type of water, soda can, anything in their car." (09:49)
• Lessons learned:
  • Monica: "No one listening to this will. So we just crush the stainless steel water bottle industry. It's over." (11:36)
  • Dax: "Well, I only drink out of see through, so I'm ahead of the curve. I'll take my potential microplastic damage over mouse damage." (11:56)
  • Caller: "I replaced every stainless steel water bottle in our entire house with clear glass water bottles that I can see all the way to the bottom now." (11:20)

Memorable Moment

• The debated "white gritty thing" in her coffee/water was likely mouse remains (13:05).

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2. DNA Testing Gone Wild (14:14–23:53)

Story Summary

• Caller: A twin, who discovers—thanks to DNA tests—that she and her twin brother have different fathers (a rare event called superfecundation). Further digging reveals neither have the man they thought was their father.
• Story unfolds via personal anecdotes, family drama, and the "DNA Angels" community.

Notable Discussion & Quotes

• The rare discovery:
  • Caller: "It's called super feed on cage [superfecundation]. It's very, very rare. There's like 10 cases in all of America." (17:43)
• The fallout and identity:
  • Monica: "Are you, like, what am I?" (21:30)
  • Caller: "You are who you are. Your blood's blood...I identify with who I turned out to be and the people that cared to stay in my life." (21:41)
• Monica reflecting on impact:
  • "I'll be thinking about that one for a while. That one's gonna stick." (23:45)

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3. Wedding Night Misadventures (28:21–37:57)

Story Summary

• Caller: Shares the story of his wedding day as a Mormon couple—both virgins—who decide to have sex in between wedding events at their Airbnb.
• Hilariously graphic details: overenthusiastic use of lube and "blasts," disastrous aim, wife gets sick, hair and makeup ruined just before the reception; ensuing chaos and laughter ensues.

Notable Quotes

• Dax: "You Latter Day Saints are an industrious bunch. Like waking up at 5am to get the hair and makeup done, that's weddings." (30:00)
• "First blast hits the headboard, probably a foot above her head...Second blast hits her directly in the face and eyes, nose, mouth..." (33:15)
• Monica: "Why are there so many blasts?" (33:48)
• "The icing on the cake was that the plan B made her sick for, like, three days of our honeymoon." (35:51)
• Dax: "As disgusting as the story is, it's so wholesome." (37:32)

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4. First Responder Horror Stories (38:07–51:41)

Story Summary

• Daphne (Caller): A new EMT in Wisconsin, recounts her early horror story responding to a vague "sick person" call—only to discover a patient whose lower legs are necrotic, sloughing off like a mudslide of tissue, while remaining in good spirits.
• Followed by ambulance ride from hell, bodily fluids everywhere, and her senior partner abandoning her with the worst work.
• Secondary highlight: stories of foreign objects in rectums.

Notable Quotes

• "He was in a great mood...but it's so thick and literally blinding. Like I was having a hard time opening my eyes." (44:19)
• Dax: "This is like as close as you can get to discovering a Zombie." (42:29)
• Monica: "You're an angel." (48:28)
• Caller: "Sometimes when you work in this field...whenever that happens, I always put on Armchair and it makes me feel so much better." (51:11)

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5. Subway Stuntin’...In Shit (55:39–66:22)

Story Summary

• Tess (Caller): Living in Brooklyn, details the horror of sitting in a puddle of human diarrhea on the subway while wearing (rented) designer jeans. Comedy and disgust as she seeks help, shops for new clothes, and weighs whether to return the jeans.

Notable Quotes

• Monica: “Did it make a sound?” (59:01)
• Tess: "It was a puddle of soupy brown shit." (60:18)
• Monica: "Did you consider calling 911?" (61:44)
• Tess: "The very kind people at the Flatiron Lululemon did give me a $75 off. They called it the 'You Just Sat in Human Discount.'" (64:57)
• “I didn’t, like, sit down on the subway for months after.” (65:54)

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6. Foreign Object in Butt: Doctor Tales (66:35–75:09)

Story Summary

• Dr. Toby (Caller): Emergency Room doctor shares the process of removing a 12-ounce soda can from a man’s rectum after a night of cocaine and “a bunch of hookers.”
• Walks through the extremely technical, awkward, and occasionally creative medical procedures required.
• Remark on the frequency and common objects (diet soda cans!) that end up in the ER this way.

Notable Quotes

• Dax: "My idea would be to somehow sink a wood screw into the bottom of the can and then pull that out." (69:29)
• Dr. Toby: "She goes in there, we open it up, and it's just this river of cola foam, blood, and micro turds." (72:32)
• Monica: "I don't know if I'll be able to unhear Micro turds." (75:28)
• Dr. Toby: “I really respected the dude. He partied with true commitment, left everything on the field, accepted the consequences, and then was grateful.” (73:47)

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7. Nurse Practitioner Barbie: Medical Mysteries (77:02–87:12)

Story Summary

• Kim (Caller): Nurse Practitioner recounts pulling a full President Barbie doll (arms and all) from a patient’s rectum following "constipation." The patient would not admit to inserting the object, and ultimately wanted it returned.
• The case generated a debate about shame, creativity, and gender politics regarding objects put “up the prison wallet.”

Notable Quotes

• "Staring back at me are two of the most perfect doll feet ever. Monica, you grew up in, like, the 80s 90s, so you know what Barbie's feet look like." (79:44)
• Dax: "You want to be president? You can be president of my ass." (81:55)
• Monica: "This is an act of violence against women." (85:01)
• “Later, the vote for Barbie pin came out of the ostomy.” (84:05)
• "Can I have the object you took out of me back?" (85:52)

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8. Unauthorized Evacuation: Sushi Station Shame (87:28–98:50)

Story Summary

• Jonathan (Caller): 6'9" and a former university dining hall worker, details a desperate dash to the bathroom that resulted in an accident (in his jeans, in a laundry room) and, apparently, breaking a co-worker’s arm when they slipped on the remains the next day. Listener gets a mix of horror, hilarity, and a debate on culpability.

Notable Quotes

• "The decision was then made for me as I was weighing the options, and the cork has been popped." (91:45)
• Monica: "Also, your butt is like at most people's faces." (93:43)
• Dax: “No, it’s you. And I’m here to defense attorney. I need you to shut up and let me paint the case for you.” (96:19)

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Notable Quotes & Moments by Timestamp

| Timestamp | Speaker & Quote | |-----------|-----------------| | 08:19 | Caller: "A soaking wet, stiff as a board...dead mouse." | | 17:43 | Caller (Twin DNA): "It's called super feed on cage [superfecundation]. It's very, very rare. There's like 10 cases in all of America." | | 35:51 | Caller (Wedding): "The icing on the cake was that the plan B made her sick for, like, three days of our honeymoon." | | 46:47 | Monica: "We need to blow up this ambulance." | | 60:18 | Tess: "It was a puddle of soupy brown shit." | | 72:32 | Dr. Toby: "We open it up, and it's just this river of cola foam, blood, and micro turds." | | 79:44 | Nurse Practitioner: "Staring back at me are two of the most perfect doll feet ever." | | 85:52 | Nurse Practitioner: "Can I have the object you took out of me back?" | | 91:45 | Jonathan: "The decision was then made for me as I was weighing the options, and the cork has been popped." |

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Thematic Threads & Tone

• The hosts continually celebrate the messiness and humor of being human, never shying from gross, awkward, and even traumatic events.
• A thread of medical/healthcare absurdities runs throughout, with both respect and laughter for frontline workers.
• Dax and Monica offer compassion, playful ribbing, and genuine curiosity, creating a safe space for listeners to share their most embarrassing moments.
• The show highlights how community, humility, and laughter are vital to processing life’s messiest turns—sometimes literally.

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Quick Reference: Segment Timestamps

• Mouse in Water Bottle: 03:31–13:40
• DNA Testing Gone Wild: 14:14–23:53
• Wedding Misadventures: 28:21–37:57
• EMT/Nurse First Responder: 38:07–51:41
• Subway Seat Disaster: 55:39–66:22
• ER Foreign Object Fables: 66:35–75:09
• Barbie in Butt: 77:02–87:12
• Sushi Station Evacuation: 87:28–98:50

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This episode is a showcase of hilarious, sometimes shocking, and always deeply human storytelling. It’s a rollercoaster of empathy, laughter, and cringe that manages, as ever, to make us all feel a bit less alone in our misadventures.

Transcript

[Dax Shepard]

Wondry plus subscribers can listen to Armchair Expert early and ad free right now. Join Wondry plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts or you can listen for free wherever you get your podcasts. We are supported by Addie I know.

[Monica Padman]

About Addie the Little Pink pill, right?

[Dax Shepard]

Yes, that's right. Addie is the FDA approved pink pill, clinically proven to boost desire in certain pre menopausal women who are bothered by a low libido.

[Monica Padman]

I love this. It's really nice that there's an option out there for women who are dealing with low desire and I like that. Addie's non hormonal and created by a woman for women. Addy is helping women feel like themselves again. And that's really important.

[Dax Shepard]

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[Caller - Wedding Story Husband]

You gotta know I'm gonna keep on shining.

[Dax Shepard]

Christina.

[Caller - Mouse in Water Bottle Story]

Yes.

[Caller - Nurse Practitioner Barbie Story]

Hi.

[Dax Shepard]

How are you?

[Caller - Twin DNA Story]

Good.

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

How are you guys today?

[Dax Shepard]

Wonderful. Where are you?

[Caller - Mouse in Water Bottle Story]

I live in New Hampshire.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, look, we're hitting some new spots today.

[Caller - Jonathan, Sushi Station Worker]

Yeah, we are.

[Dax Shepard]

And I like that we're in the northeast.

[Caller - Mouse in Water Bottle Story]

I mean, it's fall foliage season. You can't beat this time of year.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, lovely. Okay, so you have a Wild Card story, which are our favorites, because we have no clue what you're gonna tell us.

[Caller - Mouse in Water Bottle Story]

All right, let's get started. So this all started in January of this year.

[Dax Shepard]

Recent.

[Caller - Mouse in Water Bottle Story]

Very recent. And it was a freezing cold day, as January days typically are in New Hampshire. This was the kind of day that you go outside and within two to three minutes, your nose hairs feel like they're completely frozen. So I was taking my daughter and her friend and her friend's mom down to Boston College for a lacrosse camp for the day. We parked in the closest parking garage that we could find to the stadium so that we didn't have to walk outside very much. So we dropped the girls off at lacrosse and then headed out to get sushi in Boston together. So I don't know about y', all, but I love a lot of soy sauce with my sushi.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, sure. Me too.

[Caller - Mouse in Water Bottle Story]

So we spent about three and a half hours just enjoying a relaxing Dinner out and then we headed back to Boston to get the girls. So I forgot to tell you that I am a thirsty person at baseline. I have a water bottle with me everywhere I go. And I usually have a pink stainless steel water bottle that if I'm going somewhere for five minutes, I have it. Or if I'm gone for the day, I literally choose purses based on if I can fit a water bottle.

[Dax Shepard]

It's your blankie.

[Caller - Mouse in Water Bottle Story]

It is.

[Monica Padman]

A lot of people do this.

[Dax Shepard]

The girls all have steel water bottles we leave the house with, and then they leave them in my car. And it sounds like bowling balls rolling around in the backseat. Of all the blankies to have, I think it's the best. Probably water.

[Caller - Mouse in Water Bottle Story]

It's a good one. But when you add soy sauce on top of already a thirsty person. I was absolutely parched when I got back in the car. And of course I had drank my water bottle as we traveled from New Hampshire to Boston, so I didn't have any water left. So when we arrived to pick up the girls at B.C. as if the hydration gods had spoken. And there was a huge cooler of smart water, like the fancy alkaline kind at the camp. So I helped myself to one of those. We got everybody back in the car, I poured it through the spout of my water bottle, and we continued on our way back up to New Hampshire. So it was an uneventful evening. We went to bed, alarms went off the next morning and it was Monday. So I have about a 35 minute commute to work. And so one of my routines in the morning is that I bring coffee and water in the car and I force myself to basically have a sip of coffee and then a sip of water, mostly just to feel adequately hydrated and adequately caffeinated before I get to work every day. Yeah, and my 9 year old son frequently makes my coffee in the morning. And let's just say that quality control is not his forte.

[Dax Shepard]

Sure, sure, sure.

[Monica Padman]

That's so sweet though.

[Dax Shepard]

A lot of variety in each morning's batch.

[Caller - Mouse in Water Bottle Story]

So on this particular morning, about six minutes into my drive, I have kind of a gritty piece of something in my mouth. This isn't super out of the ordinary for me. Again, coffee grounds are a frequent thing that I find in my coffee. So I pick it out of my mouth and it's white, not brown.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, interesting.

[Caller - Mouse in Water Bottle Story]

So it's not a coffee ground, but again, my son has creative freedom with coffee making. I've had candy canes in my coffee. Hershey Kisses.

[Dax Shepard]

Are there any Ceramics in the mix. Like I'm thinking, what could be white in your coffee? Is it broken ceramics?

[Caller - Mouse in Water Bottle Story]

No, it's in a stainless steel coffee mug. I continue on with my drive. I also noticed that my water tastes a little funky this morning. So I'm really wondering what is in my coffee today because the water just didn't taste quite right. But again, it was the fancy alkaline water from the night before. Drank my whole coffee, drank my water all the way to work. So I work in a health care office and so I see patients all day long. So I had a really busy day. Patients back to back. Mid morning. I stop and I fill up my water at the water cooler. And I notice near the spout of the water, it almost looks like tiny calcifications where you put your mouth. And I think maybe it's lip gloss, I don't know. I scratch at it a little bit. Nothing comes off. So I make a mental note to just make sure to soak my water bottle when I go home for the night. I continue through my day and head home. 5:20. So when I get home, I'm there with my 12 year old daughter and I bring my water bottle over to the sink. I squirt some water right through the spout where I found those calcifications and I flipped my water upside down just to let it soak for a little bit to get it real clean. About five minutes later, I unscrew the lid and I dump my water into the sink. And what came out A soaking wet, stiff as a board. What? Dead.

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

No.

[Caller - Mouse in Water Bottle Story]

Mouse.

[Monica Padman]

No.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, how. Oh, Monty's fucking shook.

[Caller - Mouse in Water Bottle Story]

Monica, I sent Emma a picture. No.

[Dax Shepard]

When and where did a mouse get in there?

[Caller - Mouse in Water Bottle Story]

So my first thought was maybe that this was a prank.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, I don't think Monica can look. There's no way looking at that's gonna do you any good.

[Monica Padman]

I have to fuck.

[Dax Shepard]

You're not gonna be well, I told you not to.

[Monica Padman]

No, no.

[Dax Shepard]

It's fucking enormous. We're calling it a mouse, but also maybe a rat. Ew, it's tails.

[Caller - Dr. Toby, ER Doctor]

Ew.

[Caller - Mouse in Water Bottle Story]

It was enormous.

[Dax Shepard]

How could this possibly happen?

[Caller - Mouse in Water Bottle Story]

My best guess was the parking garage because this was not a New Hampshire field mouse. It was not a tiny mouse. It was a giant city mouse.

[Dax Shepard]

This is a city mouse, like Monica's city mouse, Big apple mouse.

[Monica Padman]

I should feel bad for it.

[Dax Shepard]

You should. What was that weird T taste is.

[Monica Padman]

Dead mouse and then dead mouse and then the white stuff.

[Dax Shepard]

Some stuff on.

[Caller - Mouse in Water Bottle Story]

The calcifications on my water.

[Dax Shepard]

I'm on the verge.

[Caller - Mouse in Water Bottle Story]

They were bite marks from my furry.

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

Friend trying to escape that.

[Monica Padman]

No, don't do it.

[Caller - Mouse in Water Bottle Story]

And this happens all the time.

[Dax Shepard]

Wait, what do you mean? Hold on.

[Caller - Mouse in Water Bottle Story]

So I frantically googled it, and I called my sister Andrea, who's a veterinarian and also an armchairy, by the way.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, good, we like her.

[Caller - Mouse in Water Bottle Story]

This happens constantly for people who leave any type of water, soda, can, anything in their car.

[Dax Shepard]

No.

[Caller - Mouse in Water Bottle Story]

Overnight.

[Caller - Nurse Practitioner Barbie Story]

Whoa.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, my God. So this is a cautionary tale.

[Caller - Mouse in Water Bottle Story]

It is a very cautionary tale.

[Dax Shepard]

It's a psa. So you didn't have the top on.

[Caller - Mouse in Water Bottle Story]

So the size of the opening was less than the size of a dime, to put it into perspective. And I'm assuming that I must not have completely screwed the cap on so.

[Monica Padman]

It can squeeze that tiny.

[Dax Shepard]

Yes, you're like an octopus.

[Caller - Nurse Practitioner Barbie Story]

Ew.

[Dax Shepard]

But I'd rather have an octopus in my water than octopus.

[Caller - Mouse in Water Bottle Story]

Me, too. People eat that mouse water.

[Monica Padman]

Don't say mouse water.

[Dax Shepard]

Seven refills.

[Caller - Mouse in Water Bottle Story]

Monica.

[Monica Padman]

What? Did you call 911?

[Dax Shepard]

I had filled it up seven times with that mouse in there, I think.

[Caller - Mouse in Water Bottle Story]

Because it was so dead and its legs and arms were pushing out.

[Dax Shepard]

Stop.

[Caller - Mouse in Water Bottle Story]

It didn't shift back and forth. I don't know, Christina. So my dear husband, he is a sweet man, and he bags up the mouse in a plastic bag and then puts it in a brown paper bag and sends me off to urgent care with exhibit A. In a brown bag. Yeah.

[Caller - Wedding Story Husband]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

We're going to, I guess, test him for things.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, rabies and all kinds of.

[Caller - Twin DNA Story]

Ew.

[Caller - Mouse in Water Bottle Story]

I had to get dewormed.

[Monica Padman]

Oh. What the.

[Caller - Mouse in Water Bottle Story]

Treated on antibiotics.

[Caller - Wedding Story Husband]

Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, mama.

[Caller - Mouse in Water Bottle Story]

And then subsequently replaced every stainless steel water bottle in our entire house with clear glass water bottles that I can see all the way to the bottom now.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. I bet you'll never ever drink from something again without that crossing bottle.

[Caller - Dr. Toby, ER Doctor]

I won't.

[Caller - Mouse in Water Bottle Story]

Ever.

[Monica Padman]

No one listening to this will. So we just crush the stainless steel water bottle industry. It's over.

[Dax Shepard]

It's.

[Monica Padman]

Well, we just end.

[Dax Shepard]

Or keep your lids on very tight because they also can't.

[Caller - Mouse in Water Bottle Story]

Or just don't leave it in your car. That's the real public service announcement.

[Monica Padman]

We all leave shit in our car all the time.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, look, I only drink out of see through, so I'm ahead of the curve. I'll take my potential microplastic damage over mouse damage.

[Caller - Mouse in Water Bottle Story]

You should probably go check all those stainless steel water bottles.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. They get so many in the car.

[Monica Padman]

People just leave them in there.

[Dax Shepard]

Maybe I need a cat that sweeps the car every Time it could open.

[Monica Padman]

It with its little teeth, the lid. And then mice are very smart so they can pull the lid back on once from the inside and twist it back up.

[Caller - Mouse in Water Bottle Story]

Maybe that's what happens. That makes me feel better.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh my God. Did you throw up?

[Caller - Mouse in Water Bottle Story]

I felt incredibly nauseated.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, of course.

[Caller - Mouse in Water Bottle Story]

Which obviously at urgent care they were concerned because of stomach issues. That can come up with this. But honestly it was just me feeling disgusted.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. Grossed out for sure.

[Monica Padman]

Oh my God.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh Lord. That made me feel bad.

[Monica Padman]

That was a lot to do.

[Dax Shepard]

Rough inside. Yeah, we've heard some stuff too.

[Monica Padman]

This is similar to the jelly legs.

[Dax Shepard]

Uh huh. It's in that realm.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

You've hit the bar and it was high.

[Caller - Dr. Toby, ER Doctor]

Wow.

[Dax Shepard]

Didn't see that coming at all.

[Monica Padman]

I did not.

[Caller - Mouse in Water Bottle Story]

And that white gritty thing was probably part of the mouse.

[Dax Shepard]

What?

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

Yeah.

[Caller - Mouse in Water Bottle Story]

I mean, it had to be.

[Monica Padman]

It's like tail fungus.

[Dax Shepard]

Maybe it was biting fingernails. Oh, sorry. Okay. All right, all right, let's shut. We gotta shut it down. Monica is not in the healthcare profession so we gotta tread a little.

[Caller - Mouse in Water Bottle Story]

Can I give a quick shout out to my sister Andrea and her friend Britt who gave us the idea for this admission?

[Dax Shepard]

Yes. Thank you, Andrea and Britt. We appreciate it. That was horrific and we love you for it. Thank you so much for telling us that.

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

Of course.

[Caller - Mouse in Water Bottle Story]

And I'm sorry, Monica.

[Monica Padman]

Thank you.

[Dax Shepard]

All right, well, lovely meeting you. We're going to regroup. We're going to regroup and reset.

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

Bye.

[Caller - Wedding Story Husband]

Bye.

[Dax Shepard]

From episode 860 DNA testing. Taylor, can you hear us?

[Caller - Nurse Practitioner Barbie Story]

Yeah.

[Caller - Twin DNA Story]

I'm sick. So I'm sorry. My voice is all.

[Dax Shepard]

You're gonna have to get healthy before we can talk to you. You're gonna have to call us back.

[Caller - Twin DNA Story]

I had some cold. I thought it went away. Now it's back.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

These colds, these are the new colds. They're for three months. That's just how the colds are now, apparently. Okay, so you have a wild DNA store?

[Caller - Twin DNA Story]

I do. I'm a twin. We are the babies of seven. About six, they divorced and my dad moved out with his friend. Girl went to another state and kind of left my mom to raise all of us. And she made it really clear that he had left When I was about 16. She was completely over me and my shit and so she booted me out here to live with him. Just me. Left everybody back where they were.

[Monica Padman]

What about the twins?

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. And are you guys identical or fraternal?

[Caller - Tess, Subway Story]

It's a boy.

[Caller - Twin DNA Story]

So he stayed back. We were freshmen in High school, but I was a pain in the ass. I have a 17 year old right now and like, God bless her, I.

[Dax Shepard]

Know I'm caught between. So my brother was really, really challenging. And now that I think of his story and I write about it, I realized he really needed someone that had a lot of capacity to help. I just feel bad for both people in the story. Like, I feel bad for my mom and I felt bad for my brother. So you probably needed a lot of help.

[Caller - Twin DNA Story]

I am so blessed by my children that I'm like, how did you do it? And she's. Since you didn't. So she sent me here and I was nice and sassy and I was like, you know what? Why'd you leave? Like, what's your problem? Was she worth it? And he's like, wasn't the only one. For all I know, you're some Jack guy's baby. Oh, I understood that this Jack guy was like a colleague of my mom's. I'd heard the name, but I'm like, you're deflecting. You're just trying to take the attention off what you're doing. I was very much not here for it.

[Dax Shepard]

Also, Jack guy sounds like a term, like a certain kind of guy.

[Monica Padman]

Like he works at guy.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, that would be great, but I was thinking more like he works at a mechanic show. Like, he's jacking up cars like a.

[Caller - Twin DNA Story]

Jack junkie, for sure. But, yeah, fair enough. He didn't harp on it. He never really had a lot of nasty things to say about my mom. He was always very kind. He's like, she loves you. But he was tired of being the only one taking the blame, and he kind of wanted to get his story out there, but then we didn't talk about it again.

[Dax Shepard]

And did he and the friend girl have any children?

[Caller - Tess, Subway Story]

No.

[Caller - Twin DNA Story]

That happened for about a year. And then after I had my third son, my mom mailed me my baby book. And the baby book had all these, like, cards and crap in it. And in it there was a literal Western Union telegram, yellow with the tear on it and everything that said, congratulations on the twins. I'm so happy, Jack.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, okay. This is curious.

[Caller - Twin DNA Story]

Yeah, Yeah, I get a little curious. I tried digging and I can't find anything, and I just move on. So a couple years later, me and my twin decided we were both going to try Ancestry and 23andMe. We wanted to prove that they were full of it. And everyone said the origins are off. We weren't really doing it for DNA purposes. We were Just trying to play with it. And we were kind of right. Like, his came up a little bit Irish, and mine came up a little Scottish, and then the rest of it was just Eastern European. Didn't think anything of it. 20, 22, I got back in this Jack fix and I was like, I'm gonna figure this out. So I started digging through 23andMe, which had matches that were like sith cousin nonsense. So I was bored. So I was like, I'll log into my brother's ancestry because he would have different matches. And sure, shit. I open up, it says, parent child match. My brother and Jack.

[Dax Shepard]

Hold on a second.

[Caller - Twin DNA Story]

Why didn't yours say that Jack only did ancestry?

[Monica Padman]

Oh, you did different ones.

[Dax Shepard]

They divided and conquered.

[Caller - Tess, Subway Story]

Oh.

[Caller - Twin DNA Story]

I don't like to blow up my family over nothing. So I'm like, I'm gon do my own ancestry because I had done 23 so that I can catch my breath.

[Dax Shepard]

You told your brother, Obviously he already knew.

[Caller - Twin DNA Story]

Not this point.

[Monica Padman]

Oh.

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

Oh, wow. Okay.

[Caller - Twin DNA Story]

We don't live in the same state anymore, so I just let it be. And I didn't know how to process, you know, That's a lot.

[Dax Shepard]

This is a fucking mess.

[Caller - Twin DNA Story]

I do my own. Ironically, Father's Day is the day I get mine back. I open it up and there is no Jack to be found. And it says that me and my twin brother are half siblings.

[Dax Shepard]

Wow.

[Caller - Twin DNA Story]

Yeah, it's called super feed on cage. I don't know how to say it. No, it's very, very rare. There's like 10 cases in all of Americ.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, wow.

[Dax Shepard]

So your mother was carrying two different people's child.

[Caller - Twin DNA Story]

Isn't that wild?

[Monica Padman]

At literally the exact same time?

[Dax Shepard]

What?

[Caller - Twin DNA Story]

I'm upset. Don't even know how to tell my brother that he's the only one of us seven that's not.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, do you know, though, the other Fives, have they done ancestry?

[Caller - Twin DNA Story]

None of them have.

[Dax Shepard]

We don't know how much Jack was in or out of the picture.

[Caller - Twin DNA Story]

My dad has got black hair and blue eyes, and my twin is the tallest out of Everybody. He's like 6 1. I'm 4 11. And he's blonder. And so is Jack after doing lots and lots of fun research. So then I decided to go crazy on my ancestry and connect some more dots and just try to make sense of it. And I couldn't. I couldn't connect any more dots. So they have these things called DNA angels. I don't know if you've ever heard of them, but, like, huge shout out to them. They do it for free. They'll log into your ancestry and they'll help you connect some dots from fifth cousins all the way down to, like, maybe who your grandfather's father was. So I call on them. I'm like, help me. So she logs in, and about 10 hours later, she calls me, and she's like, I'm really sorry, but you're not your dad's either.

[Caller - Dr. Toby, ER Doctor]

What?

[Caller - Jonathan, Sushi Station Worker]

Plot.

[Dax Shepard]

Fucking twins.

[Caller - Tess, Subway Story]

Stop it.

[Monica Padman]

Stop.

[Caller - Twin DNA Story]

She's like, it's one of these three men. They're all brothers. They connect to a grandfather that my DNA connected to.

[Dax Shepard]

Mom was busy.

[Caller - Twin DNA Story]

She sure was U s y busy. So I just start at the top. Of the three men, he's the oldest out of all of them, closest to my mom's age. His name is James. And about two hours into researching, do I not land on a photo of Jack, James, my mom, all at a conference the year of my birth? I mean, there's like 10 of them, but those three were in the middle. My mom was in the middle, and Jack and James and I continued to find out Jack was the president of this company and they were the trustees.

[Dax Shepard]

Now, hold on.

[Monica Padman]

Was it a threesome?

[Caller - Twin DNA Story]

I asked that question a lot. I've done so much investigating. The only thing I don't know is did they take turns.

[Monica Padman]

Right.

[Dax Shepard]

NCS was one night, and then the.

[Caller - Twin DNA Story]

Next night, did she, like, go down.

[Monica Padman]

To the bar after? Exactly. Because it would have to be that fast.

[Dax Shepard]

There's a lot of permutations here.

[Monica Padman]

I think it was an orgy.

[Caller - Twin DNA Story]

Even if she hyper ovulated, the studies show it has to be within a couple days.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, so have you discussed any of this with your mom?

[Caller - Twin DNA Story]

No, I haven't confronted her.

[Dax Shepard]

You haven't?

[Caller - Twin DNA Story]

I told my twin. Which kind of, like, ruined our relationship.

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

No.

[Caller - Twin DNA Story]

So he called Jack because I'm sitting on it for months, and then he comes out here for our birthdays, and I'm like, so guess what? And he's like, mom got Eiffel towered. And I was like, that's not funny.

[Monica Padman]

What's that mean?

[Dax Shepard]

What does that mean? She knows a lot of code words.

[Caller - Twin DNA Story]

Just think about an Eiffel tower.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, oh, sure. Like a wobbly H. Sawhorse. Yeah. I don't get it.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

[Dax Shepard]

I do. I do.

[Caller - Twin DNA Story]

He calls this guy because I have this guy's phone number. Mind you, both these two men are married 50 years plus. So they were married to these women, and they still are. He calls them and he's like, hey, guess we parent Child matched on ancestry. And Jack's like, your mom and I agreed we'd never have any contact with you, so bye.

[Caller - Mouse in Water Bottle Story]

Oh, my God.

[Dax Shepard]

So they knew? Well, he's afraid.

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

Sure.

[Caller - Twin DNA Story]

And I'm not out here to hurt anybody. He could have been like, here's a few medical things you might need to know exactly.

[Monica Padman]

Minimally. I'm sorry.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. Here's 5,000 bucks.

[Caller - Twin DNA Story]

But Jack had no kids.

[Dax Shepard]

Maybe he thought he was sterile.

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

Well, he knew about us, though, and sent a telegram.

[Caller - Twin DNA Story]

But he doesn't probably know that I'm James. He probably thinks he has me and my brother out there.

[Dax Shepard]

He's like, okay, I don't need to talk to you, but is your sister gonna call? Cause I need to tell her I don't wanna talk to her either.

[Caller - Twin DNA Story]

Her sister calls, it's gonna be a longer conversation. He's not my dad, so I can't say anything to him. And then I looked up mine, and he was once upon a time the Supreme Court justice of a Southern state. So I decided to leave that alone.

[Monica Padman]

Holy moly.

[Caller - Twin DNA Story]

And he's got kids and grandkids, and I'm not ruining anyone's life. It doesn't change who I am.

[Monica Padman]

But are you, like, what am I?

[Dax Shepard]

So, yeah. What impact. Because we've talked to some people today who have had this experience, and some of them are like, doesn't matter. It's cool to know. And that's still my parent, and I don't really care.

[Caller - Twin DNA Story]

Yeah, I went to a conference on it. They're called NPE Non Parental Event or Non Expected Parent. And a lot of people are just crying like, the mailman's my dad and my mom lied my whole life. And it's my identity. And I'm like, no, it's not. You are who you are. Your blood's blood. You know, I grew up with step siblings. My kids have had a stepdad. I don't identify with who was in the room that night. I identify with who I turned out to be and the people that cared to stay in my life. I have great relationships with people that are blood and that aren't. Yes, I'm bummed. And I can see why. My mom always had just this undercover. I'm not so sure about her.

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

Get rid of her.

[Caller - Twin DNA Story]

She just didn't like me.

[Dax Shepard]

I can't imagine, though, that she assumed the twins were from two different men, even though she had sex with two different people.

[Monica Padman]

No way.

[Caller - Twin DNA Story]

That would just not only spoil her. Your dad left and cheated. Not only did he do that but you double down, you know, and to tear down a woman in her late 70s, it's just like, what's the point? I told one of my sisters, the other sibs don't know. And she's like, you've got to tell her. And I'm like, no, I don't.

[Monica Padman]

I mean, the only reason I think to tell her is like, she is a medical marvel.

[Dax Shepard]

History. Literally.

[Monica Padman]

I mean, there probably is just 50 cases this has ever happened.

[Caller - Twin DNA Story]

Yeah, I think that they said in just America there's 12, and then the other countries there's more. But you don't have a lot of documentation on this. How many twins both do it? You just assume one's DNA is the other.

[Dax Shepard]

Wow, this is twisty and turny.

[Monica Padman]

Growing up though, did you think you and your twin had twin abilities?

[Dax Shepard]

Well, they did share a mom, right?

[Caller - Twin DNA Story]

And like we shared a room and we shared a lot of time together and I always thought we had this special bond.

[Dax Shepard]

Are you left handed?

[Caller - Twin DNA Story]

No.

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

My little boy is though.

[Dax Shepard]

Maybe he'll be president.

[Caller - Jonathan, Sushi Station Worker]

Sure.

[Dax Shepard]

Over index. What a story. That's a barn burner.

[Monica Padman]

Thank you so much for sharing it.

[Caller - Twin DNA Story]

Yeah, you guys, it was super fun. I do need to give a shout out to one of my friends, Rebecca. She actually used your story to acts about dyslexia and she gives it to her students at the elementary school she teaches at. And she loves, loves and loves you guys. She got me interested in you guys podcast.

[Dax Shepard]

Thank you, Rebecca.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, that's.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, shout out. Well, lovely meeting you.

[Monica Padman]

I'll be thinking about that one for a while. That one's gonna stick.

[Dax Shepard]

Yep.

[Monica Padman]

Have a great day.

[Dax Shepard]

Take care. Feel better.

[Caller - Twin DNA Story]

Thank you.

[Caller - Mouse in Water Bottle Story]

By.

[Caller - Jonathan, Sushi Station Worker]

Foreign.

[Dax Shepard]

We are supported by Allstate. You know what's smart? Checking Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds on car insurance. You know what's not smart? Not checking your phone's volume before blasting your morning pump up playlist in the office break room. Or not checking that your laptop camera's off before joining the meeting in your robe or something. I'm a little too familiar with not checking your grocery list before heading to the store and realizing you bought everything except what you needed. Yeah, checking first is smart. So check Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings vary subject to terms condition and availability. Allstate North American insurance company and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois. We are supported by Quints. Winter in LA is weird. It'll be 75 degrees one day, then suddenly you need an actual coat. I've been rotating through the same three jackets for years, and honestly, they're looking rough. So I finally upgraded my winter wardrobe with quints. And the difference?

[Caller - Dr. Toby, ER Doctor]

Wild.

[Dax Shepard]

Their Mongolian cashmere sweaters are ridiculously soft. Like, I didn't know cashmere could feel this good without costing a mortgage payment. And their wool coats and Italian leather outerwear, they're the kind of pieces that actually last.

[Monica Padman]

They also have amazing homeware. Do not sleep on the homeware. And if someone's moving and you want to get them, like a little housewarming gift, it's the perfect place. I got a friend some curtains.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, you did? Yeah, curtains, QCs.

[Monica Padman]

When's curtains do you it?

[Dax Shepard]

What I love about Quint is they cut out the middleman. Bye. Bye. They work directly with factories and have ethical production standards. So you're getting luxury quality without the luxury markup. We're talking premium materials, thoughtful design stuff that'll last you multiple winners, not just one. Refresh your winter wardrobe with quints. Go to quints.comdax for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada too. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E.comdax free shipping and 365 day return returns. Quince.comdax we are supported by Audible. You know, I spend a lot of time listening. It's literally my job. But when I'm not recording the show, I'm constantly consuming audio content. And honestly, I can get pretty overwhelmed by all the choices out there. That's why I love when Audible drops their Best of the Year collection. Audible's most anticipated collection, the best of 2025, is here. And let me tell you, these editors know what they're doing. They've spent countless hours listening, having heated debates. Probably way more heated than Monica and I get, although that's hard to imagine. And they have handpicked this year's must listens. What I really appreciate is that they don't just go for the obvious picks. They found hidden gems alongside the buzziest new releases. Whether you're into true crime like Monica, historical biographies like me, or something completely different, this collection has your back. I've already started diving into their selection, and honestly, it's like having a really smart friend curate your entire listening experience. Want to finish the year with a sure thing? Check out audible's best of 2025 and discover why there' to imagine when you listen. Listen now. Go to audible.com bestoftheyear we are supported by Searchlight Pictures. Is this Thing On? What happens when life gives you a second chance? Is this Thing On Is an intimate and hopeful portrait of a man navigating reinvention, reconnection and redemption in middle age. We meet Alex, played by Will Arnett, in the wake of his separation from his wife Tess, played by Laura Darling. Looking for community and catharsis, Alex stumbles into the New York comedy scene and discovers a passion and sense of purpose just as Tess embarks on her own journey of self discovery. Directed by Bradley Cooper, director of A Star Is Born and Maestro, and starring Will Arnett, Laura Dern, Andra Day and Bradley Cooper. Critics are calling it a brilliant and profound exploration of marriage that's life affirming, heartfelt and hilarious. Certified fresh on Rotten Tomatoes. I'm a sucker for a stand up movie because baked into standups is the sadness that gets its vulnerability. Yes, it's great. Now playing in select theaters. Get tickets today from episode 959Weddings Part 2. Jake, where are you?

[Caller - Wedding Story Husband]

I am in North Carolina.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, my God. This is crazy.

[Monica Padman]

Okay, we had a South Carolina, a North Carolina and Canada. Canada. We'll throw that one out as an out and then another North Carolina.

[Dax Shepard]

Y' all are getting married down there.

[Caller - Wedding Story Husband]

Well, this did not happen in North Carolina.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, it didn't? Okay, we rescind that then. All right. Yeah, tell us about it. Wait, are you wearing a Red Bull shirt?

[Caller - Wedding Story Husband]

I am, yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. Max Verstappen's God.

[Caller - Wedding Story Husband]

That's right. I was an avid listener of F1 with DRS.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, I appreciate it.

[Caller - Wedding Story Husband]

This is actually about my wedding and my wife's, so a little bit of background. We both grew up and still are Mormon or lds. Grew up going to nine hours of church a week or so.

[Dax Shepard]

You did a mission.

[Caller - Wedding Story Husband]

I did not. So I guess not the whole nine yards.

[Dax Shepard]

Eight yards. Yeah.

[Caller - Wedding Story Husband]

But we met when we were in school, dated for a couple years, decided we wanted to get married. We were both really excited and we scheduled our wedding for the end of the summer so that we could live together when the semester started and then we could do a little honeymoon. And we structured our wedding day so that it was the temple in the morning at like 9am so that we could get the most amount of pictures outside because it was hot. And then we had a brunch with friends and family and then we had like a three or four hour block and then our reception later in the day. Before the wedding, we had rented an Airbnb for the day of so that we could kind of Hang out during that three or four hour block. And then after the fact, we could sleep there. And then honeymoon was next day. So the day of the wedding, I roll out of bed probably 8:15, 8:30, and I can get there on time. Wife's awake at 5am Doing her hair and makeup with her friends and she's having a good time, no problems.

[Dax Shepard]

You Latter Day Saints are an industrious bunch. Like waking up at 5am to get the hair and makeup done, that's weddings.

[Monica Padman]

Is that wedding standard?

[Caller - Wedding Story Husband]

I think that's weddings.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, that's too early.

[Caller - Wedding Story Husband]

I mean, it was at 9:00am yeah, it's at 9.

[Monica Padman]

It's only four hours.

[Dax Shepard]

It's early.

[Monica Padman]

And all the bridesmaids have to get their makeup and hair. It's a whole thing.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, okay.

[Caller - Wedding Story Husband]

Start of everything goes pretty well. Temple goes well. Pictures goes well. No issues there. Brunch is fine. And after brunch, like I said, we have our three or four hour little block. So we decide we're going to go hang out at the Airbnb for a little bit.

[Dax Shepard]

And you were virgins?

[Caller - Wedding Story Husband]

Yes.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, my God. So I know exactly what I'm doing the second I leave Temple.

[Caller - Wedding Story Husband]

We kind of talked about it the day before. We said, oh, should we bang right here in this couple hour block?

[Caller - Jonathan, Sushi Station Worker]

Yeah.

[Caller - Wedding Story Husband]

And she was like, we've waited so long, let's just wait till later. And I like, no problem. But we get to the Airbnb, we're hanging out, we both change into like some sweats, and as we're changing, we kind of like open the suitcase and we both kind of make eye contact and then we see the condoms in the suitcase. He says, should we just do it? And I said, yes, of course, yes.

[Dax Shepard]

We should have done it a long time ago.

[Caller - Wedding Story Husband]

I said, anything to get in her pants. Of course things start progressing. And she says, yeah, we can do it. Just make sure my hair and makeup up. Make sure nothing gets messed up. And I said, yeah, of course. 100%, definitely.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. I'm so good at this.

[Monica Padman]

I definitely know how to do this without doing that.

[Caller - Wedding Story Husband]

Exactly what I'm doing.

[Dax Shepard]

I'm not going to come in five seconds, but anyways, let's go.

[Caller - Wedding Story Husband]

That's right, things start happening. First base, second base, third base. I don't even hardly last to second or third base there.

[Caller - Jonathan, Sushi Station Worker]

Sure, sure.

[Caller - Wedding Story Husband]

And then it's time for the main event. I'm like, okay, great. Put a condom on. Takes me a second. I've never done this before. Put some lube on. Put some Lube on her, her. And we're like, okay, you ready? She's ready. We probably spent two to three minutes just trying to find the right angle. That doesn't hurt.

[Caller - Dr. Toby, ER Doctor]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

Angle of approach, as we say in off roading.

[Caller - Wedding Story Husband]

Bless her heart, I'm sure it still hurt. And looking back on it, it definitely did not feel how it feels today.

[Monica Padman]

Well, these are the first time experiences. This is what happens.

[Caller - Wedding Story Husband]

Neither of us knew any different, so we were having a great time.

[Dax Shepard]

You ended up interpreting butt? Is that what we're saying?

[Caller - Wedding Story Husband]

No.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, I misinterpreted that.

[Caller - Twin DNA Story]

It hurts.

[Monica Padman]

The first one.

[Caller - Dr. Toby, ER Doctor]

Okay, okay.

[Caller - Nurse Practitioner Barbie Story]

I just.

[Dax Shepard]

I heard a lot of lube and I didn't know the angle. I got a little confused. I'm so sorry.

[Caller - Wedding Story Husband]

We're in the right hole.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, great.

[Caller - Wedding Story Husband]

And things start moving. And 20 to 25 seconds later, I'm approaching the finish line, by the way, real quick.

[Monica Padman]

She's also glad it's that fast the first time. It hurts. You just, like, want it to be done.

[Caller - Wedding Story Husband]

Couple thoughts run through my head. I think, think, okay, I shouldn't finish inside. She's not on birth control, so I don't know if the condom's gonna break. So I think, okay, that's out. So I think, okay, I'll pull out and I'll finish on her stomach.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. Wonderful. It's romantic.

[Caller - Dr. Toby, ER Doctor]

Yeah.

[Caller - Wedding Story Husband]

The thought of pulling out and finishing in the condom didn't even cross my brain.

[Dax Shepard]

Right, Right.

[Caller - Wedding Story Husband]

I pull out, I whip off the condom, and again, there's no communication with her at all. I blast off. When I say blast off, the amount that came out, I have never seen before or since. Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

This is 23 years in the making.

[Caller - Wedding Story Husband]

It was absurd. But the first blast hits the headboard, probably a foot above her head.

[Monica Padman]

This is a real Spider man situation.

[Caller - Wedding Story Husband]

I'm like, okay, let's point it down a little bit. Second blast hits her directly in the face and eyes, nose, mouth, hair. Third blast hits her in the neck. In the hair. Fourth class somehow was stronger. Hits her again in the face. And then all the subsequent blasts hit her in, like, the stomach.

[Monica Padman]

Why are there so many blasts?

[Caller - Wedding Story Husband]

It's 23 years.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, yeah, you're right.

[Caller - Wedding Story Husband]

And then in this 10 second span, a lot of things happen. I get, like, super dizzy.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh.

[Caller - Wedding Story Husband]

And I lose hearing in my left ear. Okay. Just the left. And my wife, like I said, hit her in the face, mouth, nose. Some of it got in her mouth and she can't really breathe. So she immediately starts gagging and retching and I'm still out of it. She immediately starts throwing up on the bed.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh.

[Caller - Wedding Story Husband]

And she's, like, stumbling around because some is in her eyes. She's trying to make it to the bathroom. She throws up on the bed in the hallway, on the floor of the bathroom, and finally makes it to the toilet.

[Dax Shepard]

Were you guys like, this is why they told us?

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

They're like, yes, sex is horrible.

[Dax Shepard]

Yes.

[Caller - Wedding Story Husband]

No wonder we knew it was going to be bad. We didn't think it was going to be that bad. But when I come to, I kind of go in the bathroom and I try to console her. She's, like, crying, laughing, throwing up. I'm confused because I was out of it. I try to help her clean up as best as we can and. And then we both kind of freak out because some of it, like, dripped down and got her in the lady area.

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

Yeah, the lady area.

[Caller - Wedding Story Husband]

So we're freaking out, and we're like, oh, no, is she gonna get pregnant? So we doordash like, a plan B, and she takes that and spends the next three hours trying to fix her hair and makeup. It was a tough scene.

[Dax Shepard]

Now, okay, so. So later that night, you want to do it again? I bet. Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, yeah. But she doesn't.

[Caller - Wedding Story Husband]

I don't think we did. I don't really remember. But what did happen after we got to the reception? She, like, cleaned everything up and she looked great, and one of her friends came up behind her and was like, hey, you have something in your hair. And I was like, oh, and she had a big dried thing of semen in her hair.

[Dax Shepard]

No, Something about Mary. You have some gel in your hair, honey.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, That's a classic.

[Caller - Wedding Story Husband]

Really? The icing on the cake was that the plan B made her sick for, like, three days of our honeymoon. She was in a bad spot, but that's actually where we started listening to Armchair Anonymous.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, no kidding.

[Caller - Tess, Subway Story]

Wow.

[Monica Padman]

It really worked out for us, I guess.

[Dax Shepard]

There you go. How long ago was this?

[Caller - Wedding Story Husband]

Three years.

[Dax Shepard]

I imagine you guys have had lots of beautiful lovemaking now. Yeah.

[Caller - Wedding Story Husband]

Took us a second.

[Dax Shepard]

We got it throwing up. It was a set piece in a comedy. I could have made five minutes out of that whole sequence easily.

[Caller - Dr. Toby, ER Doctor]

Great.

[Dax Shepard]

I love it.

[Caller - Wedding Story Husband]

The victim's here.

[Dax Shepard]

Can she come and say hi? I'd love to see this. Poor Gail.

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

This is so cool.

[Dax Shepard]

There's the victim.

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

We had a marital sp of who would tell this story better.

[Caller - Tess, Subway Story]

I said I would tell it better because I was the victim, but he said, no, I'll tell it better.

[Caller - Wedding Story Husband]

You need A first person view.

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

But then he ended up submitting the story, so he got to tell Peter to it.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, well, he did a great job.

[Monica Padman]

And he was specific about the amount of sprays. And that was all really important detail.

[Caller - Wedding Story Husband]

Lack of communication.

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

You must have been thinking, this is terrible, right? Why do people do this?

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

At first I was like, it's gotta get better though, right?

[Caller - Wedding Story Husband]

We started at rock bottom. You can't go much lower.

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

I was mostly just worried about the.

[Caller - Tess, Subway Story]

Rest of the wedding day. I was crying.

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

I was like, it's my wedding day and all my hair and makeup is messed up. Like, this is the worst. We should have just waited until after all the wedding festivities.

[Monica Padman]

Don't you think, though, a lot of the people at the wedding, they've been in your position. They've done this exact same thing.

[Caller - Wedding Story Husband]

We got some side eye as we were leaving brunch.

[Dax Shepard]

We were like, no, no, no, no, no.

[Caller - Wedding Story Husband]

And then we showed up and everybody kind of.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, they could feel it.

[Caller - Wedding Story Husband]

They know.

[Dax Shepard]

They know there's something like. As disgusting as the story is, it's so wholesome.

[Monica Padman]

It's sweet, isn't it?

[Dax Shepard]

It's like very mixed messages. It's like so endearing, yet it's disgusting.

[Monica Padman]

It's nasty.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. I don't know that I've ever seen, even in pornography, that volume and in duration. Well, it's lovely meeting you guys. You're adorable couple. We're big. Oh, thank you. All right, have a great day.

[Caller - Wedding Story Husband]

You too.

[Dax Shepard]

From episode 887, First Responders. Hello, Is this Daphne?

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

Hi. It is.

[Dax Shepard]

You're in your closet.

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

I tried to follow the rules.

[Dax Shepard]

Are you allowed to tell us what state you're in?

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

I'm in Wisconsin.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, okay, great.

[Caller - Nurse Practitioner Barbie Story]

Okay.

[Dax Shepard]

So you have a first responder story.

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

I do. So this was when I first started. It was within my first couple weeks working as an emt, so it's pretty green. Also, for a little bit of context, when you first start, at least at the company I worked at, there's such a hierarchy. When you're new, you're doing all the work nobody wants to do. So all like cleaning up the GI bleed.

[Caller - Mouse in Water Bottle Story]

Oh.

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

Picking up the heavy parts of the patient, changing diapers. Like all the crazy stuff that people who've been there longer don't want to do, that's entirely on you.

[Dax Shepard]

Can I ask what led you to the job in the first place? I'm a little bit curious.

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

Mine was a little bit untraditional. I actually majored in philosophy, but my college job, I Was an outdoor trip leader, so I had to get a wilderness first responder certification and just really fell in love with it.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, amazing.

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

So after college, I tried a couple of jobs, and nothing really stuck. And I ended up going back to get my EMT because I just loved my first cert so much.

[Dax Shepard]

Are you a bit of an adrenaline junkie?

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

I would say so. Working in emergency, you kind of have to be, but at same time, it also tames it a little bit because you see all the crazy shit that can happen. Yeah, I'm like a moderate adrenaline junkie, I'd say.

[Monica Padman]

Are you watching the Pit?

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

No, but I've heard it's good.

[Monica Padman]

You're gonna love.

[Dax Shepard]

Pretty accurate, but that's like asking us if we watched a show about podcasting.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, Like Only murders in the building. Yes, I have.

[Dax Shepard]

Good point.

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

Yeah. I mean, it's a great show.

[Caller - Tess, Subway Story]

Yeah.

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

So the partner who I was paired up with, you could tell that he had one foot out of the door, was ready to retire and go to Boca and spend all his money gambling ago.

[Dax Shepard]

What is the average career expectancy? I don't feel like I see a lot of older EMTs.

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

I was told that their turnaround rate is, like, six months, so it's pretty quick. Also, the place where I worked, it was a lot of people who they were starting as an emt, but they wanted to go to med school or PA School or nursing school. This was kind of like the first step to get some experience.

[Dax Shepard]

Gotcha.

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

So we get a call, and the call is super vague. It was just for a sick person in. And that was also a red flag, because usually the more vague the chief complaint is, the more unhinged it is when you actually get there.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, interesting.

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

We go to the apartment. The elevator going up is teeny tiny. Like, it barely fits my partner and I. And the stretcher in there, we get all the way up, knock on the door, introduce ourselves, walk in, and immediately when I open the door, I'm hit with this wave of just a blinding smell and a smell that I had never smelled before up until this point.

[Dax Shepard]

Never smelt it.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, my God.

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

And it smelled like a mix of hay, like from a horse poop. Sulfur. Oh. And burnt anything.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, interesting.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, hey.

[Dax Shepard]

A horse trots out of the bedroom.

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

I would have taken that. No. So all of a sudden, we see the patient. He stands up. He has a walker. He's walking over. I could tell he's walking a little funny. Like his gait is a little off, but nothing too crazy. And he's wearing what I thought were black compression socks. And the lower part of his legs looked a little different from the rest of his body. But who am I to judge, right?

[Dax Shepard]

Is he wearing shorts?

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

Yeah, he's wearing, like, basketball shorts. And also, as he's walking over, the smell is getting stronger. And I hear this kind of squishing sound. Each footstep.

[Monica Padman]

No, no, no.

[Dax Shepard]

This is bringing me back to that bar in Canada.

[Monica Padman]

I know.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, wow.

[Caller - Jonathan, Sushi Station Worker]

Okay.

[Dax Shepard]

Do you guys remember that? Oh, my God.

[Monica Padman]

No one can listen to this.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, Squish, squish, squish. Different colored legs squishing his way over.

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

And then I go over to help him. I want to give him a hand. When I get over, I look down and I realize, oh, those aren't compression socks. That's completely necrotic tissue from the knee down.

[Dax Shepard]

His legs are dead.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, my.

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

They're gone. Oh. And that squishing sound was them sloughing off with each stuff, like tissue coming off.

[Monica Padman]

No, no, stop.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, my. This is like as close as you can get to discovering a Zombie.

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

The top 75% of his body was a normal average Joe. The bottom half was some shit out of the Walking Dead.

[Caller - Mouse in Water Bottle Story]

Okay.

[Monica Padman]

I have to be honest, I thought it was going to be that he cut off his legs and he put horse legs on.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, Monica.

[Monica Padman]

That's a big cuz the hay.

[Dax Shepard]

And then there's a horse in his bedroom with human legs. Did you just swap them? It was a transformer.

[Monica Padman]

He wanted to become a centaur. He was a little mentally ill, so.

[Dax Shepard]

His fucking foot is falling apart as he walks.

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

Yes, it looked like a mudslide line. Every shade of yellow, red, brown that you can imagine.

[Dax Shepard]

How old were you at this point?

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

21.

[Monica Padman]

No, you're too young to have seen something like that.

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

I keep my cool. I'm not here to judge anybody. I'm just here to get you to the hospital safely. So I take him to the stretcher, and my partner looks at me and he's like, I'm not touching that. And I was like, okay. I'm not surprised. So I help him into the stretcher, and he obviously needs help getting his lower half up. I'm trying to think of the most gentle way to go about this. You know, I don't want to call, cause any more damage. So I go down by his ankles and lift his legs up. And as I do, I feel my fingers squish into him. It felt like jam.

[Dax Shepard]

No jam, of course. Preserves.

[Monica Padman]

Is there bone?

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

The bone's not out yet, but it doesn't look like it's that far away. So we get back to the elevator. My partner doesn't get into the elevator. He's like, I'm taking the next one. You got this chance.

[Dax Shepard]

This guy's a piece of shit. A fucking twist. 21 year old girl. He's like, deal with it. Tuts. I'm in Boca.

[Monica Padman]

I'm already in Boca.

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

Yeah. So I'm squished between him and the elevator wall.

[Dax Shepard]

Can I ask what his demeanor is? Because I have a story very similar to this from an ER doctor I know who had someone get brought in that was a shut in. And they had a lot of necrotic flesh. And I don't think they knew. They were kind of just embarrassed. Like, what was his vibe?

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

He was in a great mood. He was channeled up with me. I'm trying to banter with him a little bit, but it's so thick and literally blinding. Like I was having a hard time opening my eyes.

[Dax Shepard]

Did he acknowledge that his legs were dead?

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

Verbatim. He said, oh, it's just a little leg pain. No big deal.

[Caller - Jonathan, Sushi Station Worker]

Wow.

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

We get into the ambulance, it's a hot summer day, and also this ambulance has no air conditioning, no ventilation, nothing. And my partner, of course, has me sit in the back with him and closes the only window between the front and the back. Oh, boy. I'm trying to bandage this up, trying to do anything to make him more comfortable, but it's just soaking through. Nothing's working. He needs extensive wound care. We just need to get on the road and get him to a hospital. And of course, he wants the ones that's the farthest away from where we are and in the ambulance. Ride over. Ambulances have no suspension at all. And we're going on the highway and this is oozing. The amount of liquid that's coming out was insane. So I'm just being jostled around. It's splashing everywhere. Like, it felt like being at a water park stop that I did not sign up for.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, my God.

[Monica Padman]

And can you wear a hat Hazmat suit?

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

Looking back, I probably should have, but at that point, I don't think I even knew where those were. In the ambulance.

[Dax Shepard]

He might have been a little disassociated. Like, let's just get through this.

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

Yeah, it's just every body fluid you can imagine, plus chunks of tissue.

[Monica Padman]

No, don't say chunks.

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

I'm trying all the tricks for the smell too. At that point, the smell was the least of It. But I was sticking alcohol pads in my mask and rubbing hand sanitizer on the outside, just trying to do anything while also still trying to be discreet. Because I'm not trying to make this guy feel bad about himself. He's already going through it. I'm just like, okay, this is my life for the next hour.

[Dax Shepard]

I would have said, no, you're going to the one down the road.

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

I wish we could, but I think at that point it technically would have been like medical kidnapping or something crazy like that. I feel like, take them where they don't want to go.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay.

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

So we get to the hospital finally and we roll him in and we're doing the handoff. Report to the nurses, we're talking to them. My partner finally comes in, like, puffing his chest, giving report, like he did everything. As he's giving report, I notice he's starting to between words. And then his face is starting to get really red. And then he starts going. He runs into the hallway and vomits everywhere and completely misses the trash can.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, my God, this guy is a bozo.

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

We do the handoff. That's done. I walk into the hallway. There's vomit everywhere, and there's tracks from the wheels of our stretcher, like bits of leg and blood.

[Caller - Wedding Story Husband]

And this is like saw or something. Wow.

[Dax Shepard]

Do you ever get any follow up on what happens to these people? Like, do you see the ER people a month later and go like, what happened?

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

Yeah, I didn't do that with this guy. I have over seen patients in the wild before, after I've taken care of them. And that's always crazy.

[Dax Shepard]

Do you say hi? You don't say hi.

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

I don't say hi. But there was this one guy who had his throat slit and he didn't want to go to the hospital, and he was bleeding out of his eyes, ears, nose. And I was like, you have to go. But he refused. And he was his own person mentally, so there's nothing he could do. And I saw him biking, like three weeks later. Oh.

[Dax Shepard]

So he made the right call. Wow. Oh, wow. That's good.

[Monica Padman]

They call that AMA against medical advice.

[Dax Shepard]

You learned that out Pit?

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

Yeah, yeah. You have to sign a form. It's very official. But I spent the next three hours cleaning out the hallway.

[Caller - Twin DNA Story]

You had to clean it?

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

I wasn't gonna leave it.

[Dax Shepard]

You're a good person.

[Monica Padman]

You're an angel.

[Dax Shepard]

What about the puke? Did homeboy clean up his own puke?

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

Yes. And then with the ambulance, there was no equipment or anything for me to use. So I was just wiping that up with paper towel disinfectant wipes.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, you got to call dispatch and go like, hey, we need about an hour to clean up.

[Monica Padman]

We need to blow up this ambulance.

[Dax Shepard]

And we need to fire Mike and send him to fucking Boca. I can't believe you didn't quit your job after that.

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

I came close. I thought about it. But you kind of know what you're getting into.

[Dax Shepard]

I mean, do you? I can't imagine. You think, like, I'm going to show up and someone's legs are going to be falling off real time. That's really.

[Monica Padman]

Someone will have cut off their legs and put horse legs on it.

[Dax Shepard]

Right. A horse transplant.

[Monica Padman]

Who could be ready for that?

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

I wouldn't put it past somebody.

[Dax Shepard]

Our last question, because when we interviewed nurses, they all have a foreign body and rectum story. Did you respond to any of those?

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

Yes.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, wow.

[Dax Shepard]

Two for.

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

I've seen a wine bottle.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay. Wow.

[Monica Padman]

With the cork or without?

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

I don't know because I didn't take it out.

[Monica Padman]

Okay.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, it's got to be empty.

[Monica Padman]

I would guess there's three options. There's a wine bottle.

[Caller - Nurse Practitioner Barbie Story]

Correct.

[Monica Padman]

There's an empty wine bottle, and there's a wine bottle that, like, you drank some and then you put the stopper in.

[Dax Shepard]

That seems craziest to me because the fluid could pop up.

[Monica Padman]

You know, maybe that's what they like.

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

Yeah, it's kind of a two for one deal.

[Dax Shepard]

Maybe they put a champagne bottle in there, then you pop the cork, and it explodes right when you're. That sounds eventful.

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

I haven't seen that yet.

[Dax Shepard]

But someone did have a wine bottle. And you put them face down on the stretcher.

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

I guess we had them on their side. Face down technically, is like a airway issue.

[Dax Shepard]

Did they make any explanation as to what had happened or. No, just. I need to go to the hospital.

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

I feel like people either really overcompensate for it and try to say, like, I was cleaning and I tripped and I fell.

[Dax Shepard]

There's a Sedaris story about the people say they tripped and fell. And he's like, I'm so clumsy. I've fallen down naked many times, never stood up. And there was a candle in my ass.

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

Not one.

[Dax Shepard]

What's the second version?

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

They're just silent because they know that you know that's best.

[Dax Shepard]

Are you done with that line of work?

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

No. So I'm still doing it now. So I work in an emergency room, and I started nursing school this fall.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, great.

[Monica Padman]

I can't wait for you to watch the pit. You're gonna love it.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, Daphne, this was a delight. This is among the very worst stories we've heard. What an accomplishment.

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

I'm so glad. Well, thank you so much for your time and for having me. Can I give a quick shout out?

[Dax Shepard]

Yes, of course. We love shout outs.

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

I just want to shout out Caroline, Tate, and Em, my three favorite people. I love them so much. And to you guys, I just want to say that sometimes when you work in this field, the drive home can be kind of tough. If you have a bad day, that's kind of when you start, like, reflecting and things can feel a little heavy. So whenever that happens, I always put on armchair and it makes me feel so much better.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh.

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

So I just want to thank you guys for bringing some levity to that.

[Monica Padman]

I can't take that in knowing what you've done for the world.

[Dax Shepard]

I'm going to take it. I'm choosing today to take it. My self esteem is good. Wow. And I'm going to go. All right. That's great. Well, thank you. This is a real barn burner. As we say, high watermark for armchair anonymous. Nice meeting you.

[Monica Padman]

Have a great day.

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

Likewise.

[Dax Shepard]

Bye. This show is sponsored by Better Help. The holidays are all about traditions, right? Some we inherit. Others we create ourselves. And honestly, I've been thinking about what new traditions might actually start serve us. Here's one I didn't see coming. Therapy as a holiday tradition. I know, I know. But hear me out. December can be intense. Family dynamics. You're in pressure. All the reflection on what went right or wrong. What if instead of just surviving the season, we used it to actually understand ourselves better? We have talked numerous times about how the holiday season can be a activating event. Yeah, you're with your family.

[Monica Padman]

Exactly. Family dynamics. Also pressure. Moms have pressure. Dads have pressure for these children presents. I have pressure for my gift guide.

[Dax Shepard]

Better help makes it simple to start. They've got over 30,000 licensed therapists who follow a strict code of conduct. And their matching system actually works. We're talking 4.9 out of 5 stars from over 1.7 million reviews. They've helped more than 5 million people globally figure things out. This December, start a new tradition by taking care of you arm cherries get 10% [e-mail] Dax that's betterhelp.com Dax this podcast is brought to you by Squarespace, the all in one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online. When we were building the Armchair expert website Rob actually used Squarespace to get it up and running, which was a smart choice because they've got everything you need in one place to create something that actually looks professional. What really stands out is their blueprint AI feature. It's like having a design assistant that helps you build a site that doesn't look like every other cookie cutter template idea out there. Answer a few questions about what you're trying to do, and it creates something that actually fits your vision. If you're someone who offers services, whether that's coaching, consulting, creative work, whatever, Squarespace handles all the business stuff too. Payment processing, scheduling, client management. No more juggling five different platforms just to get paid for what you do. The whole thing is designed so you can focus on your actual work instead of wrestling with website tech, which, let's be honest, most of us would rather avoid. So head to squarespace.com DAX for a free TR and when you're ready to launch, use code DAX to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. We are supported by Skims. You know what, Monica, I have to talk to you about these skims pajamas they sent us.

[Monica Padman]

Yes. I was literally just thinking about how much I love mine. I think I've worn them every night since we got them.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, yeah, I barely was able to get out of mine to come in today. So I've always been that guy who just sleeps in whatever random T shirt. You know, old shorts. These skims jammies, first of all, they're in the pattern I love. They're in the checkered red and black.

[Monica Padman]

Yes.

[Dax Shepard]

And then the fabric is just snuggling me all night long.

[Monica Padman]

It's such a good product. And also for the women's ones, the one I have is so cute. I like after my shower, my routine to get into a cute pair of pajamas. And I feel like my my sleep is improved when I'm wearing cute pajamas. You eventize it. That's right.

[Dax Shepard]

And honestly, I feel more put together wearing matching pajamas instead of my usual mismatched situation.

[Monica Padman]

The timing couldn't be better either because it's holiday season and honest would make incredible gifts. They have options for women, men, kids, and even pets. That's so cute. Who doesn't want to feel this comfortable sleeping?

[Dax Shepard]

Shop the best [e-mail] after you place your order, be sure to let them know we sent you select podcast in the survey and be sure to select our show in the dropdown menu that follows from episode 939subway.

[Caller - Tess, Subway Story]

Hello.

[Monica Padman]

Hi, Tess. Your Hair is beautiful.

[Caller - Tess, Subway Story]

Thank you so much. I posted a selfie today that I was having a really good hair day. So I'm glad that you guys get to see it.

[Dax Shepard]

Is the humidity right where you're at or what's causing the great hair day?

[Caller - Tess, Subway Story]

Curls. You don't really ever know what's gonna happen. I took a nap right after I washed it today. So maybe that is why when my.

[Dax Shepard]

Hair was long, that was my move, is to go to bed with my hair just a little damp and I'd wake up and had all kinds of body. Mmm, I love that.

[Caller - Tess, Subway Story]

Exactly.

[Dax Shepard]

Very fun to have a playful hair day.

[Monica Padman]

It is.

[Dax Shepard]

Where are you at, Tess?

[Caller - Tess, Subway Story]

I'm currently in Paris. Oh, I know. I was on a little trip with my mom. My friend lives here and is out of town and offered her apartment for me to watch her cat for 10 days.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, wonderful. How fun.

[Caller - Tess, Subway Story]

I live in Brooklyn though.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay. So did the subway story occur on this trip?

[Caller - Tess, Subway Story]

It just occurred in my normal life.

[Monica Padman]

Right in Brooklyn, in Manhattan.

[Caller - Tess, Subway Story]

So I lived in New York for six, seven years. So I feel like I know the rules, the social mores of subway life. I had to run into the office two years ago on a Friday because I had forgotten a pair of very expensive shoes there that I needed to return. Like I'd brought them the day before because they had to be returned at FedEx and I forgot to return them. So I was working from home and I had to go into the office. I was already like kind of annoyed. It was a New York late October day where I was ready to stunt in my fall after outfits. So I was wearing a really cute pair of black cargo wide leg jeans. The brand a gold. But I had rented them from this rental clothing subscription called Nuuly.

[Caller - Jonathan, Sushi Station Worker]

Oh yeah.

[Caller - Tess, Subway Story]

So you can rent like six pieces of clothes a month from a bunch of different brands. I was stunting in those.

[Monica Padman]

Stunting is a new. I don't know that.

[Dax Shepard]

But you do. You can figure it out. It's like floss and looking good, strong.

[Monica Padman]

I can use context because I'm just saying. But it's new. I've never heard or used and I want to use it.

[Caller - Nurse Practitioner Barbie Story]

You're going to be very cool when.

[Caller - Tess, Subway Story]

You use it later. Or maybe I'm going to be embarrassed by all my Gen Z cousins.

[Dax Shepard]

Just saw her Saturday at a birthday party and she was full stunt.

[Monica Padman]

I'm birthing space for stunting.

[Dax Shepard]

Great. Really good.

[Caller - Tess, Subway Story]

So I was wearing a sweater vest. I felt very cute. It was unfortunately not a weather appropriate outfit. I was Sweaty on top of like running around trying to find a store. It was just an all around bad afternoon. I finally found somewhere to return the shoes and instead of walking a little further to the. At 14th Street Union Square subway station, I hopped on at like 28th street just so I could like connect with these very noise canceling headphones on. I was listening to 1989 Taylor's version.

[Dax Shepard]

It had just come out.

[Caller - Tess, Subway Story]

The errand was done. I had a Halloween party that night. Things are turning around, so I go down the stairs. I hop on the W train, which if you are familiar with New York, it goes basically to Queens and then to. To South Brooklyn. I don't live in South Brooklyn. I live in central Brooklyn. It's not a train that I'm ever on. The only reason I was on it was so that I could switch to the queue, which is my train. So I hop on the train, everything's happy. The train is pretty full. And I sit down. I realize immediately that I had sat in a human pile of.

[Monica Padman]

No, no, in your A gold that.

[Dax Shepard]

Are rented now really quick. You could tell because you sat down and all of a sudden it was soft. You're expecting that hard plastic.

[Monica Padman]

Did it make a sound?

[Caller - Tess, Subway Story]

I don't know because I had my headphones on. It just felt wet on my ass. My stomach just dropped. I was like, oh, my fucking God.

[Caller - Twin DNA Story]

Like, what did I just do?

[Caller - Tess, Subway Story]

And so I stand up and I whip my headphones off and I like, look around to the people around me. Because there are people on the train. And this is one of those social mortgages. We're like, if there's shit on a train, it's empty. It's not uncommon to find shit on a New York City subway.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, you're saying generally the move is when there's a dump in a train car, everyone just goes to another car and the whole car is empty. Not that seat. Because I would say that's savage. If the rule in New York is simply everyone stays, but you just don't sit in that seat.

[Caller - Tess, Subway Story]

Every New Yorker I've told this to has been like, I can't believe people are on that train. Like, it's just not what you do. There's a man sitting directly across from. From the shit. It's like a corner seat. He's sitting directly across it. So I whip my headphones off and I look at him and I'm like, why didn't you tell me?

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, yeah.

[Caller - Tess, Subway Story]

And he was like, I'm sorry. And then another person whispered at me. He Was like, I'm so sorry. And I'm like, that doesn't help me. I'm like pointing at my shit.

[Dax Shepard]

I hate to do this to you, but when you stood up and you turned around to confirm that it was shit. What kind of shit are we talking about? Was it a soft serve?

[Caller - Tess, Subway Story]

I anticipated you asking this. It was a puddle of soupy brown shit.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, it was d. It was diarrhea. It was hus.

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

Wow.

[Dax Shepard]

So when you said it, probably how much?

[Caller - Tess, Subway Story]

A big amount.

[Dax Shepard]

Let's put it this way. No one ever has to like, oh, I got a diarrhea. A tiny bit. If you got a. In public, like, you were holding it and you got a lot of diarrhea. Right? No one's ever done it. Like a thimble.

[Caller - Tess, Subway Story]

It was not a shark.

[Dax Shepard]

It was a full year.

[Monica Padman]

Almost as if they pulled their.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, they had to.

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

They did.

[Dax Shepard]

Of course. You can't leave a puddle of shit through your pants.

[Caller - Tess, Subway Story]

I hopped off at the next stop because I just was overwhelmed and I was crying, but I was also, like, laughing because it was just like an overwhelmingly hilarious and disgusting situation. It's so intense. Two girls and, like really cute clothes come to get on my train and I go, do not get on this train. There is shit on this train. I go into the vestibule area and I'm sobbing and crying. I try to call a friend who lives close. Like, maybe she could bring me clothes. Like, I'm just trying to figure out, like, how to get home. I'm still really far from home.

[Dax Shepard]

Do you have any addition garments? Like, do you have anything that you can take off and tie around your waist?

[Caller - Tess, Subway Story]

No, because I was wearing like a cute short sleeve white T shirt, sort of like what Monica's wearing, and then a white creamy sweater vest.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, my God. So cute.

[Dax Shepard]

Why can't you take the sweater vest off?

[Caller - Tess, Subway Story]

There were no sleeves. I couldn't tie it. That was like my head. And I didn't want to ruin it. I liked it.

[Caller - Mouse in Water Bottle Story]

Yeah, of course.

[Dax Shepard]

You already fucked up this one.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, exactly. Also, did you consider calling 91 1?

[Dax Shepard]

What?

[Caller - Tess, Subway Story]

That's a great action.

[Monica Padman]

Help.

[Caller - Twin DNA Story]

I should have.

[Caller - Nurse Practitioner Barbie Story]

Help me, please.

[Dax Shepard]

I guarantee you, in the annals of 911 recorded calls, there are people calling. And even if they themselves, maybe even like, I don't.

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

Please cover us up.

[Dax Shepard]

I'm sorry.

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

So that's sort of what I called.

[Caller - Tess, Subway Story]

My mom who lives in St. Louis, Missouri, still.

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

I called her and I was like, what do I do?

[Caller - Tess, Subway Story]

And she couldn't hear me because I Was crying and laughing and the trains are coming, coming through. And she just texted me, like, go to a store. So I ran up the stairs. I'm on Fifth Ave, which is one of the most iconic shopping streets in the world. I'm running through 5th Ave with my hands in the air because I sat in chip and I'm screaming to people, like, how crazy person.

[Dax Shepard]

Like, I said, oh, my God.

[Monica Padman]

Do you think people thought you were on drugs?

[Caller - Tess, Subway Story]

Probably because, like, you had.

[Monica Padman]

You're screaming.

[Dax Shepard]

I think people were like, that's her.

[Caller - Mouse in Water Bottle Story]

Exactly.

[Caller - Nurse Practitioner Barbie Story]

I know.

[Caller - Tess, Subway Story]

And I was really trying to really.

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

Hard to, like, point and be like.

[Caller - Tess, Subway Story]

There'S no way that this could be my shit. Like, look where it's at. It's on the outfit. My jeans.

[Monica Padman]

One time you told me a story that you saw someone with all over.

[Dax Shepard]

Their pants at the cvs, but it had bled through. It wasn't like, chunks on the outside. It was workout pants. And it had bled through.

[Monica Padman]

You can tell it bled.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, sorry. I have one more question you're not going to like, but we've avoided this thus far. Were you smelling it?

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

Yes.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, I thought I had a hunch.

[Caller - Tess, Subway Story]

That's another reason why I'm like, I'm just so surprised by the people on the train because they were sitting with a smelly pile of shit at this point.

[Monica Padman]

Can you feel it on your body? Are you like, it's soaked into my butt.

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

Yes.

[Caller - Tess, Subway Story]

I was feeling damp. So a long time ago, I used to work at Lululemon, the athletic clothing brand. And when I hopped out of the subway, I saw the, like, stylized Omega sign. I was like, oh, my God. I know the girls at Lululemon are going to help. Those people have dealt with a lot. I used to deal with a lot.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Caller - Tess, Subway Story]

So I run in and I, like, run straight to the nearest. We call them educators at Lululemon. They're not associates, they're educators. And I'm waving at her, and she is with a customer, and she, like, looks at me like, oh, what the is going on? And she goes, are you okay? And I'm like, yeah, I just sat in on the subway, like, I need new pants right now. And so she sends me over to the pant wall. So I go to the pants wall. I'm like, give me a size 6 and any black leg. Don't care.

[Caller - Mouse in Water Bottle Story]

Just give it to me now.

[Caller - Tess, Subway Story]

I try to get a dressing room, and they're like, every dressing room is full, and I'm still freaking out. And I'm like, I said and I need to change right now. And another customer is like, would you like to sit down so you can calm down?

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

I'm like, no, I don't want to sit.

[Caller - Tess, Subway Story]

Do you see what's on my person?

[Dax Shepard]

Like, no.

[Caller - Tess, Subway Story]

So I finally change into the leggings, ever so delicately so I don't get any of the shit onto my body. They gave me a Lululemon bag so I could put it in the bag. And then I go to check out with the security tag still on me. I had to, like, jump up onto the counter so they could remove the security. Security tag. The very kind people at the flat iron blue 11 did give me a 75 off. They called it the UDA Satin Human Discount.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, wow, that's nice.

[Dax Shepard]

That's nice. The Educators are nice.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, it's a good company.

[Caller - Tess, Subway Story]

They were really nice. And then I took my bag of jeans, and as you remember, I rented these jeans. And I couldn't just throw them away because if I had thrown them away, I'd be charged like 220. They're expensive for brand. So I just, like, had my shit jeans in my new leggings. My outfit was no longer cute because it looked dumb that I was wearing leggings, the cute sweater vest. And I went home, I grabbed my laundry detergent. I went to my laundromat. I threw my shit jeans into the laundromat with some laundry detergent. I sat there and then I returned them the next day.

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

I was like, I have to get those out of my.

[Monica Padman]

So somebody else is currently wearing them.

[Dax Shepard]

Previously, now, did you consider just reaching.

[Monica Padman]

Out to New LA and say, like, hey, this is what happened. We got to throw these.

[Dax Shepard]

Is that what you would have done?

[Monica Padman]

I think so. I think so.

[Dax Shepard]

I would have done what you did.

[Caller - Mouse in Water Bottle Story]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

How long ago was that?

[Caller - Tess, Subway Story]

That was October 28, 2023. I'll never forget the date. I didn't, like, sit down on the subway for months after. I got a lot of shame for not looking before I sat.

[Dax Shepard]

When music's so powerful and enveloping, one has to remind themselves to still look around.

[Monica Padman]

That's really true. Cautionary tale.

[Dax Shepard]

Yet again, so many lessons were learned on this subway episode.

[Monica Padman]

Thanks so much for sharing that.

[Caller - Tess, Subway Story]

Thank you so much. It's so good to meet you.

[Dax Shepard]

All right, bye.

[Caller - Wedding Story Husband]

Bye.

[Dax Shepard]

From episode 910 Foreign object in But. Ding, ding, ding. Oh, hello. We're going by Toby.

[Caller - Dr. Toby, ER Doctor]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

Are you in the medical profession?

[Caller - Dr. Toby, ER Doctor]

Yeah, I'm an emerge doc. I've been an emerge doc for over 220 years.

[Monica Padman]

Did you watch the Pit?

[Caller - Dr. Toby, ER Doctor]

I've watched one episode.

[Caller - Nurse Practitioner Barbie Story]

Okay.

[Monica Padman]

And you didn't like it?

[Caller - Dr. Toby, ER Doctor]

No, it was good. It's just that we watched with the family and then the kids didn't want to continue watching it. It was going to be something I was going to kind of pursue on my own.

[Monica Padman]

Okay. Because it's like dad's work. We don't want to watch that.

[Caller - Dr. Toby, ER Doctor]

It was pretty realistic, though.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, so Toby, please tell us about your foreign object story.

[Caller - Dr. Toby, ER Doctor]

This was a few years ago. I was working in our kind of low acuity area, like minor injuries, and my next patient to be seen on the tracker, it says no chief complaint. That means that they weren't really upfront with the nurses at triage. And you know, something is weird.

[Dax Shepard]

What percentage of people who come in under that description do have something in them?

[Caller - Dr. Toby, ER Doctor]

100%. Maybe not 100%, but I definitely walked into the room knowing there's a significant chance that this dude had something in one of his holes. Middle aged guy, he looks healthy, definitely a bit haggard from the night before, but he's this intense dude and he's just really locked up in on me. He went all out, whole lot of cocaine, and then, in his words, a bunch of hookers.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, wow.

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

Okay.

[Dax Shepard]

A bunch. Boy, that's definitely more than three.

[Caller - Dr. Toby, ER Doctor]

I didn't pin him down on the numbers. He said at some point in the night, things got carried away and I ended up with something in my ass. He's not sure exactly what it was or he wasn't willing to divulge, but he knows there's something there and he can't get it out and he wants it out. So when you're not sure exactly what's going on, you need to get some imaging first. You don't want to just do an internal exam without knowing what's going on. Like, sometimes you'll find things like broken glass, needles, even things like razor blades. So we do an X ray and it shows a 12 ounce beverage can in his rectum. No perforation, no obstruction. So we bring him back and then we start talking to him about removing it. How difficult or how hard do you think it is to remove something from someone's ass?

[Dax Shepard]

You're the second person we've spoken to and my first question was, like, what do you use? Like a speculum? Do you use what you would use in a pap smear? Do you open? Then you put tongs in and pull it out? What do you do?

[Caller - Dr. Toby, ER Doctor]

It's a tough procedure. You've got this, like, Ergonomic challenge in the sense that you've got this really small space that you're working, working in, and then access to that space is by even a smaller, tighter hole that's super innervated and goes into spasm really easily. And then the actual object itself is big and slippery. And it's like when you drop your cell phone down the side of your car seat and you can jam your hand, like deep down there and you can actually touch it, but you can't pick it up, and it's just super frustrating.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, really quick, Toby. I just had what my idea would be, and I don't even know if it would be possible, but I think the movement would be to somehow sink a wood screw into the bottom of the can and then pull that out.

[Caller - Dr. Toby, ER Doctor]

There are some case reports of people doing things like that with bottles and stuff. They have a bottle with the open end facing down, and then they'll put like a catheter into the bottle and then fill the bottle with cement and then like, let it harden and then pull it out. That's kind of the extreme stuff. But essentially the first step is something called anal dilation. What you need to do is you need to gradually stretch out the anus so you can get as much of your hand in there as possible to remove the object. Essentially, we're medically fisting them. So you go one finger, two finger, three finger, and then full KitKat, and then thumb, and then, and then fist, and pass to your wrist.

[Dax Shepard]

Once you have gotten the fist past the sphincter, when you're actually in the intestine, is it then easy to open your hand? Is that really, really elastic just with the object there?

[Caller - Dr. Toby, ER Doctor]

You're definitely working in a confined space. It's not this, like, infinite space that you can just, like, act freely in there.

[Monica Padman]

When you do each finger individually, your anus is getting used to it, basically.

[Caller - Dr. Toby, ER Doctor]

Yeah, just slowly stretching it out. The vast majority of these people, though, they need to be deeply sedated. It's super innervated, and it just hurts too much. Anybody with something big, like a first timer, they're getting sedated.

[Caller - Tess, Subway Story]

Oh, my God.

[Monica Padman]

How many people are not first timers?

[Dax Shepard]

Well, look, if you like things in your butt, you like things in your butt. It's not like one trip to. To the emergency room shuts that down.

[Caller - Dr. Toby, ER Doctor]

I work in an academic center, a teaching center. We have emergency medicine residents. So the person doing the procedure was my resident. And she was perfect for it. Right. She's eager, competent, and then most Importantly, she's got thin wrists and strong hands. Because I work with some old dudes that have, like, big meat hooks. Oh, they'd wreck his O ring. So we do the sedation, and she's able to get her whole fist in there, and. And then she gets her hand on the can and starts pulling, and she can't get it out. It's too stuck. You can get a suction that develops because the walls of the rectum just are completely covering the outside of the can. And then the proximal colon just collapses. And it's like a finger trap.

[Dax Shepard]

Right when you pull on this thing. Yeah, yeah. You need to inflate it.

[Caller - Dr. Toby, ER Doctor]

We considered the other options we have. Like, we can use instruments like you talked about. So there's obstetrical instruments, vacuum extractors. You can sometimes train. Try to pass a catheter to the level of the object or past it, and then inflate air, pass it to try to break the suction. I've seen that once, and it's super gross. And it didn't work. Just like, constant mist coming out. Oh, wow.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, wow.

[Caller - Dr. Toby, ER Doctor]

It's just a continuous fart.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, my God. You are on the front line, my friend.

[Caller - Dr. Toby, ER Doctor]

You can also try to push down on the, like, the interior of their lower abdomen to get it down. Down to where the other person can kind of grab it better. So we considered the options. And then I was just talking to the resident, and I said, which way is the can facing? And she said, top of the can is facing down.

[Dax Shepard]

Yes.

[Caller - Dr. Toby, ER Doctor]

I said, can you feel the tab? And she's, yeah, I can feel the tab. So I said, I think we should open it in his ass.

[Dax Shepard]

Yes.

[Caller - Dr. Toby, ER Doctor]

So she goes in there, we open it up, and it's just this river of cola foam, blood, and micro turds.

[Dax Shepard]

That has a medical term, by the way, Microsoft Micro turrets.

[Caller - Dr. Toby, ER Doctor]

You truly can't see them, but it lasted forever. And so we're just sitting there waiting and just pouring onto the bed, and the floor finally stops. She goes in there, crush the can. And with crushing the can, she broke the suction, and she's able to get really good mechanical purchase on it. Pull it down to the level of the anus. Once you're at the anus, you got to get the rim over the can. And once you pop that out, it's out. So it pops out, and it's a can of Coke Zero.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, okay.

[Caller - Dr. Toby, ER Doctor]

This is consistent.

[Dax Shepard]

We've heard it's always diet soda.

[Caller - Dr. Toby, ER Doctor]

I love that detail. Like, I love the idea of the guy party planning the day before going like, yeah, I got the cocaine, I'm.

[Dax Shepard]

Gonna get the hookers.

[Caller - Dr. Toby, ER Doctor]

And then like his idea of harm reduction was getting diet soda.

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

Exactly.

[Dax Shepard]

Like, let's keep it healthy, keep it in homeostasis.

[Caller - Wedding Story Husband]

Wow.

[Caller - Dr. Toby, ER Doctor]

He wakes up and he's feeling fine. I offer him some follow up, see a surgeon, just make sure there's no kind of long lasting injury. He declines it, that thanks us, just head held high, turns on his heel and just leaves the department. These are obviously embarrassing things, but at the same time I really respected the dude.

[Dax Shepard]

Right.

[Caller - Dr. Toby, ER Doctor]

Because he partied with true commitment, left everything on the field, accepted the consequences, and then was grateful. All the respect to you.

[Monica Padman]

Yes, that's what I was gonna say. So our previous guest, I have like a weird feeling about this person.

[Dax Shepard]

She's a bad feeling about it, but.

[Monica Padman]

I don't actually about this guy.

[Dax Shepard]

Right.

[Monica Padman]

I think, cause he came in, he was like, look, I did all this. I'm naughty, I partied. And this is what happened. It's like a full acknowledgement that makes it better 100%.

[Caller - Dr. Toby, ER Doctor]

He didn't hurt anybody, he didn't put anybody else at risk. He was just pushing the edge of the envelope.

[Dax Shepard]

I just want to say how stimulating and gratifying it is to hear you speak. You have such a great vocabulary. There's such precision in the way you speak. And also you're talking about shit and cokes. Yeah, it's real mixed messages in our favorite way.

[Caller - Dr. Toby, ER Doctor]

That's really kind of you. It's okay if I give two shout outs?

[Dax Shepard]

Of course.

[Caller - Dr. Toby, ER Doctor]

So number one, it's to Heather. She's a doc I work with, she's a huge fan of Armchair Expert and she's the one that forwarded me this prompt.

[Dax Shepard]

Thank her on our behalf.

[Caller - Dr. Toby, ER Doctor]

Probably one of the best colleagues you could ever imagine. The other big shout outs to my actually emerge group, all the people I work with. It's a really challenging environment and where we work it's extra challenging. Right now all the people I work with are just so committed to each other, the community, our department. I'm just so grateful to be able to work with such a committed, selfless group of people.

[Dax Shepard]

No.

[Monica Padman]

Awesome.

[Dax Shepard]

Those are great shout outs. Well, Toby, it's a delight to meet you.

[Caller - Dr. Toby, ER Doctor]

Have a great day.

[Dax Shepard]

Take care and enjoy your summer now.

[Monica Padman]

Do you think the first guy's weird?

[Dax Shepard]

I don't, but that's okay. I understand. It's funny because your fear is that the first guy was massaging.

[Monica Padman]

No, creepy.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, okay.

[Monica Padman]

There's A creepiness to that story that this one doesn't have. Even though technically it's the same thing, it's not.

[Dax Shepard]

The second guy sounds really fun, I'll tell you that.

[Monica Padman]

I don't know if I'll be able to unhear Micro turds.

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

Foreign.

[Dax Shepard]

We are supported by Zip recruiter. Oh, get recruited. So I was cleaning out my garage recently. You know that annual ritual where you pretend you're going to organize everything but really just move piles around. And I found this old laptop from like 2015. Tried to fire it up and it was painfully slow. Made me realize how much technology has actually improved in just a few years. Years. So if you haven't tried ZipRecruiter lately, you're gonna want to check it out. And if you're new to ZipRecruiter, you can try it for [e-mail] Dax their matching technology has gotten crazy good. It actually shows you how many qualified candidates are in your area for whatever role you're trying to fill. Plus, they've upgraded their resume database so that you can instantly access candidates contact info. No more waiting around hoping someone will respond to your job posting. See how ZipRecruiter's new hiring innovations are changing. Changing the game. 4 out of 5 employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate within the first day. And right now you can try it for [e-mail] Dax Again, that's ziprecruiter.com Dax ZipRecruiter the smartest way to hire. From episode910 foreign object in Butt.

[Caller - Nurse Practitioner Barbie Story]

Kim, Dax and Monica.

[Dax Shepard]

Hi. Where are you?

[Caller - Nurse Practitioner Barbie Story]

We're just gonna say that I'm in Vermont in my closet.

[Caller - Mouse in Water Bottle Story]

Great.

[Dax Shepard]

By the way, just thanks for joining us for Foreign Objects. I don't think I've been this excited about a prompt in a very long time.

[Monica Padman]

This is a big deal.

[Caller - Nurse Practitioner Barbie Story]

So actually my neighbor and I listen to you guys a lot. She's the best. I had been kind of MIA and she sent me the prompt. She was like, it's go time. This is your time to shine. And we had two stories that we could have potentially shared. So I sent out a Google poll. This is the one that won. So I'm so excited.

[Dax Shepard]

Wow. And I'm also jealous to have two that are so good you had to do a poll.

[Monica Padman]

What a life you're living.

[Dax Shepard]

Are you in the medical industry?

[Caller - Nurse Practitioner Barbie Story]

I am in the medical industry for about 15 years. I am a nurse practitioner. So I was a nurse for A couple years. Then I went on, got a degree, and now I'm an np, which is. We're not supposed to say it, but like a mid level provider, meaning somewhere.

[Dax Shepard]

Between entry level nurse and doctor.

[Caller - Nurse Practitioner Barbie Story]

Yeah. So I can actually write prescriptions, do procedures. Oh, I can practice independently. NP's a cool gig. I did the same amount of time as going to med school, but just not as in depth training as, like, a doctor. I work alongside them.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. Okay, so hit us with this foreign object story.

[Caller - Nurse Practitioner Barbie Story]

I got a call to come down to the emergency room. There was a patient there that was constipated, which is kind of in the wheelhouse of the department I work for. I walk into the room, and the guy is kind of pacing, not feeling well. And so I sit down, I have a colleague with me, and we start doing the basic exam. Like, tell me about your diet. When was the last time you went? It's been over a week. And then you kind of have to ease and this subject a little bit and be like, so just tell me, could there be something lodged in there preventing you from going to the bathroom?

[Dax Shepard]

As you're hearing someone's constipated for a week, do you go through a most likely scenario? So for me, if I heard that, my first thoughts would be, you're on opiates.

[Caller - Nurse Practitioner Barbie Story]

That's on the differential list for that. Of course, after working in this field for so long, I'm instantly like, what'd you put up there, bud? That common diet soda is very common, but this one was out of left field.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, diet soda bottles, you mean? Or diet soda causes constipation. Constipation.

[Caller - Nurse Practitioner Barbie Story]

Diet soda cans. That's like the most common thing. So instantly I'm like, you probably have a diet soda shoved.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, hold on. There's so much here, because what a revelation. And why Diet.

[Caller - Nurse Practitioner Barbie Story]

Diet Dr. Pepper.

[Dax Shepard]

Wait, specifically Diet Dr. Pepper.

[Caller - Nurse Practitioner Barbie Story]

Number one soda up the poop shoot. Is it possible?

[Caller - Mouse in Water Bottle Story]

Not at all.

[Caller - Nurse Practitioner Barbie Story]

No objects in my prison wallet. Got it, man. We're gonna move forward with the exam. So I'm like, I'm just gonna take a look, make sure there's not like a tumor or anything blocking anything. We're just gonna do a gentle rec. So he gets up on the table, puts his feet up, and my partner and I go to do just a rectal exam, and staring back at me are two of the most perfect doll feet ever. Monica, you grew up in, like, the 80s 90s, so you know what Barbie's feet look like.

[Monica Padman]

Of course. They're so specific.

[Caller - Nurse Practitioner Barbie Story]

You've seen Barbie feet. They're just so perfect. So these two little beautiful feet are just staring back at us.

[Monica Padman]

Ew.

[Caller - Nurse Practitioner Barbie Story]

No, I. I said, are you sure there's not an object shoved up there? And he's like, I didn't put it up there. Somebody might have, but I didn't put it up there.

[Dax Shepard]

Sure. Who's to know what? Who did what? Yeah.

[Caller - Nurse Practitioner Barbie Story]

So I'm like, maybe I can get him out. So I go to pull just gently on these two little perfect feet. It's tight. It's not coming out of there.

[Dax Shepard]

The arms are acting as a fish barb.

[Monica Padman]

Also, a Barbie is tallish to, like, have all the way up your butt. So that's just the tiny feet.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. She's gotta be, what, 10 inches tall, probably.

[Monica Padman]

And she has hair.

[Dax Shepard]

Of all the things, you don't want the hair in your body. I kind of relate. Yeah.

[Caller - Nurse Practitioner Barbie Story]

We go to CT scan, and sure enough, on ct, you see, like, the perfect. I wish I could show it to you. It's just like the most perfect image of Barbie.

[Dax Shepard]

No. What an amazing thing to see on a scan.

[Monica Padman]

Now be honest. Did you take a picture of it?

[Caller - Nurse Practitioner Barbie Story]

No, I didn't. Because some people had just gotten in a lot of trouble for the other item that was up somebody's butt. And so I was like, I can't have this on my phone. So anyways, Barbie is now stuck because you hit the nail on the head, Dax. Her little arms are getting stuck because he put her arms down as he shoved her up in head first. And so anytime we try to pull, her little arms aren't forgiving or letting her out.

[Monica Padman]

Can her arms go all the way up like this?

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, they go over her head.

[Caller - Nurse Practitioner Barbie Story]

They can, but you'd have to put her in like that. He didn't think about it. Well, he didn't put her up there, so.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, right, right.

[Caller - Nurse Practitioner Barbie Story]

We're gonna have to go to the or. This is the only way we're gonna be able to get Barbie out. So we go into the operating room and her little hands have caused a hole because he's obviously been like, tugging.

[Caller - Mouse in Water Bottle Story]

On her at home.

[Caller - Nurse Practitioner Barbie Story]

So he gets a colost. But the best, absolute, most perfect moment is we're in the operating room, we take this Barbie out, and it's not just Barbie. It's not Barbie in a swimsuit. It's President Barbie. He desecrated the most powerful woman in the free world and put it up his rear end.

[Monica Padman]

So then the jokes start flowing, the misogyny.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, you want to be president. You can be president of my ass.

[Caller - Nurse Practitioner Barbie Story]

She'll do anything for a vote.

[Monica Padman]

Was she white?

[Caller - Nurse Practitioner Barbie Story]

Of course she was.

[Dax Shepard]

We said president. I know.

[Monica Padman]

I mean, a woman president already.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. And a black woman. Pretty.

[Caller - Dr. Toby, ER Doctor]

Get real.

[Dax Shepard]

Although Michelle would have definitely been the.

[Monica Padman]

Okay, let's. Let's not bring her into this story.

[Caller - Dr. Toby, ER Doctor]

Well, just.

[Dax Shepard]

She would have definitely been. Who could have won.

[Monica Padman]

My God. Okay. When you came back to him and you said so we'd done an X ray. I'm sorry to tell you there's some like, how does he handle this information?

[Caller - Nurse Practitioner Barbie Story]

He goes, yeah, there might be an object up there. But never said her name. Never admitted that it was President Barbie.

[Dax Shepard]

I kind of understand his approach, which is you say to yourself, I gotta go get this removed, and I'm not gonna fucking talk to them. You take it out. I'm not gonna engage at all. I'm just gonna get through this.

[Monica Padman]

Why do you think you have that privilege if you are putting.

[Dax Shepard]

Because you're so humiliated that you know that talking about it is gonna be too much. So you just say to yourself, I'm gonna go and I'm gonna disassociate.

[Monica Padman]

I think you should have to get on a loudspeaker and tell the whole. What you've done. They shouldn't feel shame for this president lady.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay. That aspect.

[Caller - Nurse Practitioner Barbie Story]

He likes women of power.

[Monica Padman]

I guess maybe it could be like he wants a relationship with the female president.

[Dax Shepard]

He's attracted to a powerful woman.

[Monica Padman]

Vermont's pretty progressive. But maybe he was for Bernie, and then. So he's mad. He's mad at Hillary. It's Hillary. She's representing.

[Dax Shepard]

Or Kamala. We don't know what year this was.

[Caller - Nurse Practitioner Barbie Story]

It was in the Hillary time frame.

[Monica Padman]

Oh.

[Dax Shepard]

I don't think it was politically motivated. I think it was just something that he thought would feel good in his butt.

[Monica Padman]

Now, was this his daughter? Like, where did he.

[Caller - Nurse Practitioner Barbie Story]

So many questions.

[Dax Shepard]

Now, isn't this something. I'm more disturbed about him potentially having gone to the storm buying a Barbie than I am about him putting anything in his butt.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, that part's like pedophile. Yeah. Or if it's his kids. That part's very bad.

[Caller - Nurse Practitioner Barbie Story]

President Barbie felt pretty intentional. That feels like. I went to the store, I went on Amazon, I ordered her up.

[Dax Shepard]

Let me ask you this, though. The clothes were on her. You only know she's the president by her outfit.

[Caller - Nurse Practitioner Barbie Story]

Pink power suit. And then later, the vote for Barbie pin came out of the Ostomy.

[Dax Shepard]

Wait, back up. Tell me what the Ostomy is.

[Caller - Nurse Practitioner Barbie Story]

Ostomy is this little blip of your intestinal tract that we pull outside of your body to rest your intestine. All your poop comes out into a bag out this little, what we call stoma. You have to wait when you have an ostomy for poop to start back up before you to get released from the hospital. And so the nurse, I show up to discharge him, and she's like, kim, the vote for Barbie pin came out in the bag.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, my God.

[Caller - Nurse Practitioner Barbie Story]

So there was no denying it was President Barbie. She was in power. She was going for the campaign. It was there.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. What is the procedure to remove it? Do you put in, like, a speculum inside, spread his intestine apart to pull it out? What happens?

[Caller - Nurse Practitioner Barbie Story]

There's like, a little rerouting, and then it's kind of like squishing sausage casing.

[Monica Padman]

Wow, I'm really mad.

[Dax Shepard]

Why are you so mad?

[Monica Padman]

This is an act of violence against women.

[Dax Shepard]

I think it was just there. He was probably inebriated.

[Monica Padman]

It was not just there.

[Dax Shepard]

You think this was a political statement?

[Monica Padman]

Well, he picked this Barbie.

[Dax Shepard]

And the question is, did he pick it because it was close or this premeditated? I'm gonna get a President Barbie and humiliate her?

[Monica Padman]

Either way, it's that or if it was just there, we assume he used his kid's toy.

[Dax Shepard]

They could have been long out of the house, though.

[Monica Padman]

How old is this guy?

[Caller - Dr. Toby, ER Doctor]

Ish.

[Caller - Nurse Practitioner Barbie Story]

He was 50s. The last kicker is this is where you can kind of evaluate where you're headed with your hypotheses. So he's healthy? He's fine. He's going home. I'm discharging him. Right? I'm going. Okay. We're gonna see you back in clinic this day. We'll talk about reversing the ostomy this day. And he's like, I just have one more question. Can I have the object you took out of me back?

[Dax Shepard]

Cause he had to return it. Ew.

[Monica Padman]

Can you imagine?

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

Oh, my God.

[Monica Padman]

What a story.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, wow, a Barbie. I mean, honestly, there's very few objects I can think of being more uncomfortable in your butt than the plastic Barbie with all the appendages.

[Monica Padman]

I know what happened to her shoes? She was probably wearing high heels. He probably threw those right off of her. She didn't deserve them.

[Caller - Nurse Practitioner Barbie Story]

The heels were the first to go, probably because, you know, it completed the power suit.

[Monica Padman]

Wow, this is great.

[Dax Shepard]

This is what it is great. It's really interesting to hear how you guys are taking it. I'm nervous we're shaming him. I think it's fine, you know, if you do this.

[Caller - Nurse Practitioner Barbie Story]

I always was like, oh, he really likes women of power. But you're saying this is a misogynistic thing. He likes to desecrate powerful women. And now all of a sudden, I am getting angry.

[Dax Shepard]

No, don't let her persuade you. There's no misogyny happening here.

[Monica Padman]

Hey, hey, you can't say that definitively.

[Dax Shepard]

You're right, I can't.

[Monica Padman]

I don't like that the doctors and the nurses have to deal with it.

[Dax Shepard]

I don't mind because you're like, this is what I want to do.

[Caller - Nurse Practitioner Barbie Story]

Oh, yeah. I've done it for 15 years.

[Dax Shepard]

I don't feel bad for firefighters. When a house catches on fire, it's like, that's what they do.

[Caller - Nurse Practitioner Barbie Story]

I get actually more mad when it's like, Diet Dr. Pepper, and I'm like, man, come on, show some creativity.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, lovely meeting you.

[Caller - Nurse Practitioner Barbie Story]

You too. It was so good meeting you. Shout out to brother Luke and Kit and Susan, the neighbor who put me up to this.

[Dax Shepard]

Wonderful. Take care. From episode 845 Unauthorized evacuation. Hello, Jonathan. Are you standing on a box? Are you six foot eight?

[Caller - Jonathan, Sushi Station Worker]

You're close. I'm just north of six, nine.

[Dax Shepard]

Holy smokes. Congratulations, you're above the door frame.

[Caller - Jonathan, Sushi Station Worker]

Thank you. Worked on it my whole life.

[Monica Padman]

That's very exciting.

[Dax Shepard]

How many years did it take you to hit 6?

[Caller - Jonathan, Sushi Station Worker]

9, probably 23, but I'm 33 now.

[Dax Shepard]

And did you make use of this height? Did you do anything that lent itself? Did you play basketball or anything?

[Caller - Jonathan, Sushi Station Worker]

I played basketball a little bit, and then I stopped playing, and then I lost everything. So. No, wait.

[Dax Shepard]

What do you mean you lost everything?

[Caller - Tess, Subway Story]

Skills.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, your skills.

[Caller - Jonathan, Sushi Station Worker]

I tried to play basketball right now and tried to jump. I'm pretty sure my knees would just evaporate.

[Monica Padman]

I'm excited to see how your house height's going to impact the evacuation.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, that's a great point. Yeah. It kind of raises the stakes.

[Caller - Jonathan, Sushi Station Worker]

It will play an adjacent role.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, great. Walk us through this unfortunate and fortunate event.

[Caller - Jonathan, Sushi Station Worker]

So it took place in 2010, 2011. I was sophomore, junior in college. That college is UMass Amherst. I live in Massachusetts, and so one thing that school is known for is it's really big. There's a lot of people that go there. And another thing is it's dining. Food is really good. It's like number one, number two in the country. At least when I was there.

[Dax Shepard]

Really?

[Caller - Jonathan, Sushi Station Worker]

I was a student employee there. I worked at the largest dining Common on the campus. And I worked at the sushi station, which sounds pretty bougie, but the student employees would roll sushi. And then I also worked. I think it was called teppanyaki. It's basically like a big flat top grill with thick noodles. And I would just throw the noodles on, throw the veggies on it. There's a spicy paste called. I think it's like gochujang. Probably saying that wrong, but I love it. It's like a red taste, really good. And so I would make up a lot of that and then parcel it into the individual dishes and put them out. And then students would come and grab them.

[Dax Shepard]

Jonathan, can I just. I know you probably get so sick of talking about your height, but what I'm immediately concerned about is that grill top was probably built for someone that was five, nine. I imagine cooking on that grill is probably terrible on your back. Your back kill when you would have shifts.

[Caller - Jonathan, Sushi Station Worker]

The first issue I faced was the fan hood overhead. Oh, that would like take the exhaust. It have a nice sharp corner on like the excess of it. And my freshman year took a nice head shot off that. And then from there was very aware of its surroundings.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, you need to walk around with the helmet.

[Caller - Jonathan, Sushi Station Worker]

Other reasons too, but yeah, for sure.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay. I just. I got worried about you, but okay, so you're popping noodles on this grill top.

[Caller - Jonathan, Sushi Station Worker]

So my shift is always the dinner shift. It was like four to nine and about half hour running my shift. I'd take my dinner usually when if I was working there, I'd make a big old plate of that noodles, load up on the go to because I liked it. Go eat, come back to work, clean up and then head back to my dorm. And usually, full disclosure, by the time I got back to my dorm, that's about time when the spice would make its way through and off I go.

[Dax Shepard]

Clockwork.

[Caller - Jonathan, Sushi Station Worker]

So this night, had my dinner, went back to work and then was cleaning up and started feel some grumblings inside. And I thought, we're okay, we can finish up the shift and head home and clean up a little bit more. And then we thought, okay, let's just be smart here. Let's be proactive. Let's go find the bathroom. Bathroom and head out. It was the end of the night, so a lot of students were leaving. It was closing. The bathroom was occupied near the front of the building. So that. That's fine. We have an employee bathroom down opposite end of the whole building. So head downstairs. Employee entrance side. There's the laundry room there's the freezers where all the food's kept. Hustle past all that it's done in the night. That's occupied, too, by some student employee.

[Dax Shepard]

You'Ve just spent a lot of your time crossing. Crossing this building. At this point, you're probably thinking, like, God damn it, if I just headed home, I might be there by now.

[Caller - Jonathan, Sushi Station Worker]

Yep. But I still need to, like, clock out. And so at that point, there's a little bit of panic. Not a lot yet. So I start heading back the other way. Maybe that bathroom's now open. Obviously make it all the way back up the stairs. It's not. Oh, we're fully in a panic mode. We start heading back downstairs, and we're like, all right, maybe that one's gonna be open. In my head, we know it's not, so. So we start thinking what's around me. And earlier I walked past the laundry room.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh.

[Caller - Jonathan, Sushi Station Worker]

Then we duck into the laundry room, we close the door, and we assess the situation. What's in here? What can I make use of? There is like, a sink, a washer, a dryer, a mop bucket, a trash bucket. And we think, what would I cause the least collateral damage?

[Dax Shepard]

You're about to shit in public in a closet, but you're still a gentleman.

[Caller - Jonathan, Sushi Station Worker]

I'm not looking to ruin anyone else's day but mine.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Caller - Jonathan, Sushi Station Worker]

But the decision was then made for me as I was weighing the options, and the cork has been popped.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, okay.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, my God.

[Dax Shepard]

Wow.

[Caller - Jonathan, Sushi Station Worker]

Lava flows out.

[Dax Shepard]

Hold on a second.

[Monica Padman]

And you're staring at a bucket weighing decisions.

[Caller - Jonathan, Sushi Station Worker]

These are decisions to be made, and they were not made in time.

[Dax Shepard]

It sounds like he had decision anxiety or decision fatigue. But I also want to point out, because I know you so well, Monica, when you heard that the cork popped, I felt like you got a little pq. Did you get it?

[Monica Padman]

No, No, I did not.

[Dax Shepard]

I just felt it.

[Monica Padman]

I don't know you as well, kind of viscerally.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, okay.

[Monica Padman]

Because when I talk it.

[Caller - Jonathan, Sushi Station Worker]

Okay. Train left the station at this point, mentally. Yeah. And so I am very tall. My pants inseam is 38 inches. So I figured, okay, there's a lot of capacity here to be filled up and we're safe. The damage is done. The toothpaste is out of the tube, and we're just like, let's just go clock out.

[Dax Shepard]

Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. No, let's not just go clock out. Your hands are full of shit. We want to lock the doors somehow. We want to Turn them inside out. Get it in that bucket. Maybe, I don't know. We're going to try to mop up the inside.

[Monica Padman]

There's a washing machine there. I might wash.

[Dax Shepard]

I might just spend the whole evening dealing with this. But did you make any attempt to fasten the ends of your pants?

[Caller - Jonathan, Sushi Station Worker]

I shoved the bottom of the pants into the shoes. So we're hopefully a self contained system here.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay. Closed loop system.

[Monica Padman]

Must be a smart school.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, he's smart. You can tell?

[Caller - Jonathan, Sushi Station Worker]

Yeah, technically got a degree, but barely.

[Monica Padman]

Wait, what color were the pants?

[Caller - Jonathan, Sushi Station Worker]

Dark jeans.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, that's good. That's what you want.

[Monica Padman]

You'd prefer black, but sure.

[Caller - Jonathan, Sushi Station Worker]

So, yeah, I go clock out and I make my way amongst the crowd to head out. It's still pretty busy, but I'm walking like a cowboy that just got off a long horse ride or something. I'm trying to be nonchalant about it.

[Dax Shepard]

But you know, also can I add again? I know I keep talking about your height, but it's like you're not able to blend in. Whatever you're doing is going to be observed. If you got a crazy walk, people are going to be like, look at that tall guy with the crazy walk.

[Monica Padman]

Also, your butt is like at most people's faces.

[Dax Shepard]

That's where the danger comes in.

[Caller - Jonathan, Sushi Station Worker]

Really unfortunate for them at this point. Bad on a normal day, terrible today. So we're walking up the front stairs amongst the crowd. We crossed 100 or so yards to my dorm room. We get upstairs, shower those pants obviously destroyed, threw them in the trash and the trash classroom immediately.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, I went to bed and at.

[Caller - Jonathan, Sushi Station Worker]

This point I thought that's the end of the story. But unfortunately that's just part one.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, no.

[Dax Shepard]

Wow.

[Caller - Jonathan, Sushi Station Worker]

Part two. Next day, we fast forward to this shift again. I'm getting set up in the sushi area. Some of those student employees just like talking, say hi. We catch up and then one of them say, hey, did you hear about Mike? Mike is the guy who worked at the nearby station. And she starts laughing and she says, he broke his arm. And I say, I don't know why. That's a funny bit of information to tell me, but sure. And she's like, no, he slipped and fell when leaving work last night. And I was like, I still understand why this is hilarious to you. No, no, no. He slipped on the stairs on poop.

[Caller - Twin DNA Story]

Stop it.

[Monica Padman]

No, no.

[Caller - Jonathan, Sushi Station Worker]

I'm not about to take full blame for this because we don't know 100% that someone else didn't have a story right After.

[Monica Padman]

That's right. Plausible deniability.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, at first glance I was like, this is crazy. This is you. It's your fault. And now you're trying to shirk your responsibility. But what I will say in your defense is other people ate the same noodles that fucked up your butt. So maybe multiple people shit their pants that day. That's a good argument. And you already said it's a huge school.

[Monica Padman]

I don't think it was yours.

[Dax Shepard]

I just think if you have 46,000 students, probably on any given day, one or two people have shit I don't.

[Monica Padman]

Think would have escaped the sock. You would have noticed little morsels of shame pauling out.

[Caller - Jonathan, Sushi Station Worker]

You don't know.

[Dax Shepard]

You broke your co workers arm. What a left turn.

[Caller - Jonathan, Sushi Station Worker]

Allegedly. And he had a cast like up to his arm, like the right angle cast for like a couple months.

[Dax Shepard]

You really got him.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, no. And he probably wasn't able to work.

[Caller - Jonathan, Sushi Station Worker]

No, you fine.

[Dax Shepard]

You probably got a lot of attention. Got a date.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, if I broke my arm on somebody's poop o really quick though.

[Dax Shepard]

I have follow up questions. How did they know?

[Monica Padman]

It was the smell and the look of it.

[Caller - Jonathan, Sushi Station Worker]

It was like on his shoe.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, okay. That makes a lot of sense. I bet people would have assumed someone.

[Caller - Jonathan, Sushi Station Worker]

Brought a dog in for the dining common.

[Dax Shepard]

I'm trying to help you here. I don't know why you're. You're pushing back so hard.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, it was the stairs at the dining. Oh, no, it's definitely you.

[Dax Shepard]

No, it's you. And I'm here to defense attorney. I need you to shut up and let me paint the case for you. Oh, my God. And by the way, we'll probably have a prompt in the future that's like, tell us about a crazy way you broke a bone. We might talk tomorrow.

[Monica Padman]

Write that down. That's a great.

[Caller - Jonathan, Sushi Station Worker]

That'd be pretty funny.

[Monica Padman]

Did you come clean?

[Caller - Jonathan, Sushi Station Worker]

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. This is the first time anyone has heard this story in my life. My wife's here. I said I got approved for the prompt and she's like, what prompt? And I didn't answer. Said, what prompt? At the end of this, Would love to say hi, but we don't know what kind of face we're going to get.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay. It's all coming clear to me now. Does he remind you as well of that great comedian?

[Monica Padman]

He reminds me of Zach Woods.

[Dax Shepard]

Yep. Do people tell you that? Yeah, that's flattering.

[Caller - Jonathan, Sushi Station Worker]

Oh, yeah, he's hilarious.

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

He's also really good looking.

[Caller - Jonathan, Sushi Station Worker]

I'll take It.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, well, we'd love to talk to your wife. I want to see what kind of gal you wrangled with this wreckage in your past. Lower his head to go.

[Caller - Tess, Subway Story]

Oh, my God, Dad.

[Monica Padman]

He did have to.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, well, we heard him killing her. We've never seen her. Oh, y. Oh, my gosh.

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

I can't believe it's you guys.

[Dax Shepard]

Hi there.

[Monica Padman]

Who's this cutie pie?

[Dax Shepard]

Who's this little redhead?

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

She was wondering who daddy was talking to in the closet.

[Caller - Jonathan, Sushi Station Worker]

Ah, no one. Don't worry about it. Just a good story.

[Dax Shepard]

Princess Anna's husband, that's who Daddy he's talking to.

[Caller - Jonathan, Sushi Station Worker]

Big fans of Frozen Over.

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

That carries a lot of weight in this house.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, you guys, happy holidays. What a great story. He almost killed a man by his pants.

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

He won't tell me anything. I have to wait to listen.

[Caller - Twin DNA Story]

Oh, this is exciting.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, I just ruined the plot twist.

[Monica Padman]

Did you guys meet in college?

[Caller - Jonathan, Sushi Station Worker]

No, we actually met in high school. Didn't know each other.

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

High school sweetheart.

[Caller - Jonathan, Sushi Station Worker]

Correct. We reunited during college at a bar.

[Dax Shepard]

In your hometown or at a reunion, Actually, exactly.

[Caller - Jonathan, Sushi Station Worker]

At a trivia.

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

Yeah, a little Irish bar in our hometown where kids played trivia after high school because they were living at home with their parents.

[Dax Shepard]

Can I say, that's a great group. If you're going to meet someone at a bar, do it at a trivia night.

[Monica Padman]

I agree. Put that degree to use.

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

Yeah, we are pretty good, too. So we decided to get married.

[Dax Shepard]

Do you guys continue to compete in trivia?

[Caller - Jonathan, Sushi Station Worker]

We have two little ones now, so it's harder to get out for trivia nights.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, you're. For about seven more years.

[Caller - Jonathan, Sushi Station Worker]

It's a good trade off.

[Dax Shepard]

It is.

[Monica Padman]

Thanks for chatting with us. That was great.

[Caller - EMT Daphne]

Thank you so much.

[Dax Shepard]

All right, take care, you guys.

[Caller - Jonathan, Sushi Station Worker]

All right, bye.

[Dax Shepard]

Bye. Bye.

[Caller - Nurse Practitioner Barbie Story]

Do you want to sing a tune or something? We have a theme song.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, okay, great. We don't have a theme song for this new show, so here I go, go, go. Gonna ask some random questions and with the help of armchairs, we'll get some suggestions. On the flyer, rhyme, dish. On the flyer, rhyme, dish. Enjoy. Follow Armchair Expert on the Wondry app, Amazon Music, or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to every episode of Armchair Expert early and ad free right now by joining Wondery plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short [e-mail] survey.

[Caller - Dr. Toby, ER Doctor]

Mom and dad, mom and mom, dad and dad. Whatever parents. Are you about to spend five hours in the car with your beloved kids this holiday season, driving Old Granny's house. I'm setting the scene. I'm picturing screaming, fighting back to back hours of the K Pop Demon Hunter soundtrack on repeat. Well, when your ears start to bleed, I have the perfect thing to keep you from rolling out of that moving vehicle. Something for the whole family. He's filled with laughs. He's filled with rage. The OG Green Grunk. Give it up for me. James Austin Johnson as the Grinch. And like any insufferable influencer these days, I'm bringing my crew of lesser talented friends along for the ride. With a list guests like Gronk, Martin, Camel, and the Jonas Brothers, whoever they are. There's a little bit of something for everyone. Listen to Tis the Grinch Holiday Podcast. Wherever you get your podcasts.