Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard

"Best of Friday 2025" (December 26, 2025)

Episode Overview

This "Best of Friday 2025" Armchair Anonymous features Dax Shepard and Monica Padman revisiting some of the wildest, funniest, and most jaw-dropping listener stories from the past year. The episode is a celebration of memorable mishaps, medical oddities, awkward confessions, and the ever-resilient (and hilarious) human spirit. Dax and Monica, joined by various callers, navigate stories ranging from accidental mouse consumption to subway seat disasters and cringe-worthy wedding mishaps—all infused with their signature warmth and humor.

Key Segments, Discussion Points, and Insights

1. Mouse in Water Bottle (03:31–13:40)

Story Summary

• Caller: From New Hampshire, recounts a horrifying tale of finding a dead, soaking wet mouse inside her stainless steel water bottle—after having used and refilled it multiple times.
• The incident occurred after a trip to Boston, in the winter, for a lacrosse camp.
• She describes her hydration routine and how she noticed something tasting off, "gritty" pieces in her mouth while driving to work—a piece of the mouse.

Notable Discussion & Quotes

• On her dependence on her water bottle:
  • Dax: "It's your blankie." (05:07)
  • Caller: "Of all the blankies to have, I think it's the best. Probably water." (05:10)
• The moment the mouse is discovered:
  • Caller: "I unscrew the lid and I dump my water into the sink. And what came out? A soaking wet, stiff as a board...dead mouse." (08:19)
  • Monica: "No, no." (08:21)
  • Dax: "It's fucking enormous. We're calling it a mouse, but also maybe a rat. Ew, its tail..." (08:55)
• On googling how common this is:
  • Caller: "This happens constantly for people who leave any type of water, soda can, anything in their car." (09:49)
• Lessons learned:
  • Monica: "No one listening to this will. So we just crush the stainless steel water bottle industry. It's over." (11:36)
  • Dax: "Well, I only drink out of see through, so I'm ahead of the curve. I'll take my potential microplastic damage over mouse damage." (11:56)
  • Caller: "I replaced every stainless steel water bottle in our entire house with clear glass water bottles that I can see all the way to the bottom now." (11:20)

Memorable Moment

• The debated "white gritty thing" in her coffee/water was likely mouse remains (13:05).

2. DNA Testing Gone Wild (14:14–23:53)

Story Summary

• Caller: A twin, who discovers—thanks to DNA tests—that she and her twin brother have different fathers (a rare event called superfecundation). Further digging reveals neither have the man they thought was their father.
• Story unfolds via personal anecdotes, family drama, and the "DNA Angels" community.

Notable Discussion & Quotes

• The rare discovery:
  • Caller: "It's called super feed on cage [superfecundation]. It's very, very rare. There's like 10 cases in all of America." (17:43)
• The fallout and identity:
  • Monica: "Are you, like, what am I?" (21:30)
  • Caller: "You are who you are. Your blood's blood...I identify with who I turned out to be and the people that cared to stay in my life." (21:41)
• Monica reflecting on impact:
  • "I'll be thinking about that one for a while. That one's gonna stick." (23:45)

3. Wedding Night Misadventures (28:21–37:57)

Story Summary

• Caller: Shares the story of his wedding day as a Mormon couple—both virgins—who decide to have sex in between wedding events at their Airbnb.
• Hilariously graphic details: overenthusiastic use of lube and "blasts," disastrous aim, wife gets sick, hair and makeup ruined just before the reception; ensuing chaos and laughter ensues.

Notable Quotes

• Dax: "You Latter Day Saints are an industrious bunch. Like waking up at 5am to get the hair and makeup done, that's weddings." (30:00)
• "First blast hits the headboard, probably a foot above her head...Second blast hits her directly in the face and eyes, nose, mouth..." (33:15)
• Monica: "Why are there so many blasts?" (33:48)
• "The icing on the cake was that the plan B made her sick for, like, three days of our honeymoon." (35:51)
• Dax: "As disgusting as the story is, it's so wholesome." (37:32)

4. First Responder Horror Stories (38:07–51:41)

Story Summary

• Daphne (Caller): A new EMT in Wisconsin, recounts her early horror story responding to a vague "sick person" call—only to discover a patient whose lower legs are necrotic, sloughing off like a mudslide of tissue, while remaining in good spirits.
• Followed by ambulance ride from hell, bodily fluids everywhere, and her senior partner abandoning her with the worst work.
• Secondary highlight: stories of foreign objects in rectums.

Notable Quotes

• "He was in a great mood...but it's so thick and literally blinding. Like I was having a hard time opening my eyes." (44:19)
• Dax: "This is like as close as you can get to discovering a Zombie." (42:29)
• Monica: "You're an angel." (48:28)
• Caller: "Sometimes when you work in this field...whenever that happens, I always put on Armchair and it makes me feel so much better." (51:11)

5. Subway Stuntin’...In Shit (55:39–66:22)

Story Summary

• Tess (Caller): Living in Brooklyn, details the horror of sitting in a puddle of human diarrhea on the subway while wearing (rented) designer jeans. Comedy and disgust as she seeks help, shops for new clothes, and weighs whether to return the jeans.

Notable Quotes

• Monica: “Did it make a sound?” (59:01)
• Tess: "It was a puddle of soupy brown shit." (60:18)
• Monica: "Did you consider calling 911?" (61:44)
• Tess: "The very kind people at the Flatiron Lululemon did give me a $75 off. They called it the 'You Just Sat in Human Discount.'" (64:57)
• “I didn’t, like, sit down on the subway for months after.” (65:54)

6. Foreign Object in Butt: Doctor Tales (66:35–75:09)

Story Summary

• Dr. Toby (Caller): Emergency Room doctor shares the process of removing a 12-ounce soda can from a man’s rectum after a night of cocaine and “a bunch of hookers.”
• Walks through the extremely technical, awkward, and occasionally creative medical procedures required.
• Remark on the frequency and common objects (diet soda cans!) that end up in the ER this way.

Notable Quotes

• Dax: "My idea would be to somehow sink a wood screw into the bottom of the can and then pull that out." (69:29)
• Dr. Toby: "She goes in there, we open it up, and it's just this river of cola foam, blood, and micro turds." (72:32)
• Monica: "I don't know if I'll be able to unhear Micro turds." (75:28)
• Dr. Toby: “I really respected the dude. He partied with true commitment, left everything on the field, accepted the consequences, and then was grateful.” (73:47)

7. Nurse Practitioner Barbie: Medical Mysteries (77:02–87:12)

Story Summary

• Kim (Caller): Nurse Practitioner recounts pulling a full President Barbie doll (arms and all) from a patient’s rectum following "constipation." The patient would not admit to inserting the object, and ultimately wanted it returned.
• The case generated a debate about shame, creativity, and gender politics regarding objects put “up the prison wallet.”

Notable Quotes

• "Staring back at me are two of the most perfect doll feet ever. Monica, you grew up in, like, the 80s 90s, so you know what Barbie's feet look like." (79:44)
• Dax: "You want to be president? You can be president of my ass." (81:55)
• Monica: "This is an act of violence against women." (85:01)
• “Later, the vote for Barbie pin came out of the ostomy.” (84:05)
• "Can I have the object you took out of me back?" (85:52)

8. Unauthorized Evacuation: Sushi Station Shame (87:28–98:50)

Story Summary

• Jonathan (Caller): 6'9" and a former university dining hall worker, details a desperate dash to the bathroom that resulted in an accident (in his jeans, in a laundry room) and, apparently, breaking a co-worker’s arm when they slipped on the remains the next day. Listener gets a mix of horror, hilarity, and a debate on culpability.

Notable Quotes

• "The decision was then made for me as I was weighing the options, and the cork has been popped." (91:45)
• Monica: "Also, your butt is like at most people's faces." (93:43)
• Dax: “No, it’s you. And I’m here to defense attorney. I need you to shut up and let me paint the case for you.” (96:19)

Notable Quotes & Moments by Timestamp

| Timestamp | Speaker & Quote | |-----------|-----------------| | 08:19 | Caller: "A soaking wet, stiff as a board...dead mouse." | | 17:43 | Caller (Twin DNA): "It's called super feed on cage [superfecundation]. It's very, very rare. There's like 10 cases in all of America." | | 35:51 | Caller (Wedding): "The icing on the cake was that the plan B made her sick for, like, three days of our honeymoon." | | 46:47 | Monica: "We need to blow up this ambulance." | | 60:18 | Tess: "It was a puddle of soupy brown shit." | | 72:32 | Dr. Toby: "We open it up, and it's just this river of cola foam, blood, and micro turds." | | 79:44 | Nurse Practitioner: "Staring back at me are two of the most perfect doll feet ever." | | 85:52 | Nurse Practitioner: "Can I have the object you took out of me back?" | | 91:45 | Jonathan: "The decision was then made for me as I was weighing the options, and the cork has been popped." |

Thematic Threads & Tone

• The hosts continually celebrate the messiness and humor of being human, never shying from gross, awkward, and even traumatic events.
• A thread of medical/healthcare absurdities runs throughout, with both respect and laughter for frontline workers.
• Dax and Monica offer compassion, playful ribbing, and genuine curiosity, creating a safe space for listeners to share their most embarrassing moments.
• The show highlights how community, humility, and laughter are vital to processing life’s messiest turns—sometimes literally.

Quick Reference: Segment Timestamps

• Mouse in Water Bottle: 03:31–13:40
• DNA Testing Gone Wild: 14:14–23:53
• Wedding Misadventures: 28:21–37:57
• EMT/Nurse First Responder: 38:07–51:41
• Subway Seat Disaster: 55:39–66:22
• ER Foreign Object Fables: 66:35–75:09
• Barbie in Butt: 77:02–87:12
• Sushi Station Evacuation: 87:28–98:50

This episode is a showcase of hilarious, sometimes shocking, and always deeply human storytelling. It’s a rollercoaster of empathy, laughter, and cringe that manages, as ever, to make us all feel a bit less alone in our misadventures.