David Sedaris #5

Summary

Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard – Episode: David Sedaris #5

Release Date: April 16, 2025
Host: Dax Shepard with Monica Padman
Guest: David Sedaris

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Introduction

In this engaging episode of Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard, hosts Dax Shepard and Monica Padman sit down with acclaimed humorist and essayist David Sedaris. Known for his sharp wit and candid storytelling, Sedaris shares a plethora of amusing and thought-provoking anecdotes from his extensive travels, personal experiences, and reflections on art, identity, and societal norms.

Travel Tales and Cultural Observations

David Sedaris kicks off the conversation by delving into his experiences on the road, particularly during his 40-city tour across the United States. From Burlington, Vermont, to Dallas and Nashville, Sedaris recounts humorous encounters and cultural peculiarities encountered along the way.

Notable Quotes:

• Sedaris [01:12]: “Corduroy and denim. He is on a 40-city tour across the United States starting March 30th till May 19th… I really do recommend you go see him live. There's really nothing like it.”
• Sedaris [07:10]: “Picasso was an asshole. And when you stand before him, his paintings, he's a genius. You don't know.”

Interpersonal Conflicts in Confined Spaces

A significant portion of the episode revolves around Sedaris’s experiences aboard airplanes, where his interactions with other passengers sometimes escalate into comical confrontations. From disputes over baggage placement to navigating strict flight attendant protocols, Sedaris illustrates the often absurd dynamics of air travel.

Notable Quotes:

• Sedaris [04:24]: “Hugh doesn't want postcards. He doesn't want me to text him. He wants letters with stamps on them.”
• Sedaris [16:46]: “I just had a knapsack and I had something else under my seat and I had my knapsack in the other headband. So he puts his bag in there, pounding on it. It won't go in all the way because my knapsack. Yeah."

Art, Morality, and the Creator's Legacy

The discussion shifts to Sedaris’s views on art and the moral complexities of separating an artist from their work. Reflecting on artists like Picasso and comparing them to figures like Einstein, Sedaris explores how society grapples with appreciating artistic genius while acknowledging personal flaws or unethical behaviors.

Notable Quotes:

• Dax Shepard [08:27]: “...if you enjoy the image, I don't understand the difference between a nice print in the original work of art unless you're collecting it for an investment money.”
• Sedaris [09:07]: “You can't deny his skill. You can't deny his power as a writer.”

Meeting the Pope: A Unique Encounter

Sedaris recounts a memorable experience of being invited to meet the Pope. He describes the surreal nature of the encounter, the mixed emotions he felt, and the candid conversation that followed. This anecdote highlights Sedaris's ability to find humor and humanity in unexpected situations.

Notable Quotes:

• Sedaris [36:05]: “...you're invited to meet the pope. And I was in England, so it was an easy flight. So anyway, I thought, I'm not a Catholic, and I honestly don't care about the Pope, but I thought, it's a once in a lifetime opportunity. I'd be dumb not to do it.”
• Dax Shepard [36:16]: “...the Pope wanted to meet with humorists and comedians from around the world...”

Identity, Buddhism, and Personal Growth

Towards the latter part of the episode, the conversation delves into deeper philosophical territory. Sedaris and the hosts discuss concepts of identity, the influence of Buddhism on personal well-being, and the challenges of reconciling one's constructed identity with intrinsic values and beliefs.

Notable Quotes:

• Monica Padman [112:07]: “...it's all done. It's so ironic because Mike White says, you know, identity. What Buddhists believe identity is suffering.”
• Dax Shepard [113:40]: “I'm just saying, I think if you did all that and you pursued all that, you would get to a point where, like, I could have done all this and not changed anything.”

Humorous Anecdotes on Body Image and Daily Life

Sedaris shares a series of light-hearted and sometimes risqué stories about body image, personal habits, and the quirks of daily life. From mishaps with clothing in public to amusing observations about societal expectations, these anecdotes showcase Sedaris's unique comedic perspective.

Notable Quotes:

• Sedaris [29:42]: “I don't do it in front of the mirror. I still can't look at my teeth. I had to go to the dentist the other day.”
• Dax Shepard [60:32]: “I was at the airport a few weeks ago and my friend said, oh, look at that man. He looks so good in his seersucker suit. And he was like in his 70s. And I fell in behind him later and he had completely shit in his pants.”

Conclusion

The episode concludes with heartfelt praise from Dax Shepard and Monica Padman for David Sedaris, emphasizing the joy and authenticity he brings to his live readings and written work. Sedaris reflects on the importance of portraying loved ones with their flaws to present a more genuine and relatable narrative.

Notable Quotes:

• Dax Shepard [115:03]: “But you're going to 40 cities, and I think people would be shocked how close you'll probably be to where they live. It's not like you're just in major cities...”
• Sedaris [73:00]: “If you can include somebody's weaknesses in something that you write. I wrote something recently. When we were kids, we'd have dinner together and my father...”

David Sedaris's episode on Armchair Expert offers listeners a rich tapestry of humor, introspection, and candid storytelling. From navigating the absurdities of travel to contemplating deeper philosophical questions, Sedaris exemplifies the messy, human experiences that resonate with audiences worldwide.

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps:

• Sedaris [07:10]: “Picasso was an asshole. And when you stand before him, his paintings, he's a genius. You don't know.”
• Sedaris [36:05]: “...you're invited to meet the pope. And I was in England, so it was an easy flight...”
• Sedaris [112:07]: “...it's all done. It's so ironic because Mike White says, you know, identity. What Buddhists believe identity is suffering.”
• Sedaris [29:42]: “I don't do it in front of the mirror. I still can't look at my teeth...”
• Dax Shepard [07:10]: “...if you enjoy the image, I don't understand the difference between a nice print in the original work of art unless you're collecting it for an investment...”

This episode is a must-listen for fans of David Sedaris and those seeking a blend of humor and insightful conversation on the complexities of human nature.

Transcript

[Dax Shepard]

Wondry plus subscribers can listen to Armchair Expert early and ad free right now. Join Wondry plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts or you can listen for free wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome welcome welcome to Armchair Expert Experts on Expert. I'm Dan Shepard and I'm joined by Sticky Brain.

[David Sedaris]

Sticky Brain.

[Monica Padman]

My new nickname.

[Dax Shepard]

Your new moniker. Heavyweight champion. Returning number five. Ding ding ding ding ding. David Sedaris. My God, I couldn't love someone more.

[Monica Padman]

Our most frequented guest.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, what an honor to have him as our most frequented guest. If I had to pick of most frequented tie between him and Malcolm Gladwell.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, we got some good ones.

[Dax Shepard]

We got a couple of good repeat offenders. Sedaris is a humorous a comedian, an essayist, a best selling author, a radio contributor. He's on the television on one of those morning shows. He's got kind of an Andy Rooney vibe on. I love it. His books Happy Go Lucky Me. Talk pretty One day. Calypso. A carnival of snackery. The best titles ever. Dress your family in denim, Denim and corduroy.

[Monica Padman]

Corduroy and denim.

[Dax Shepard]

Corduroy and denim. He is on a 40 city tour across the United States starting March 30th till May 19th, including Burlington, Vermont, Albany, Philadelphia, Boston, Akron, Detroit, Fort Wayne, Dallas, Nashville. Many many more. Go to DavidSedarisBooks.com to see his tour. A lot of arm cherries have gone per our suggestion and I always hear how much they love it. He puts on a great show. I really do recommend you go see him live. There's really nothing like it.

[Monica Padman]

He's a gift.

[Dax Shepard]

And as I've been talking about lately, we're listening to his short stories every night before bed. His one offs before bed. It's just it makes me so happy. I love David Sedaris. Please enjoy. We are supported by Claude, the AI assistant. That just feels different, you know. We're curious about the old artificial intelligence here on the pod. We are curious and we always want to give our armchairs the if you know, you know tips.

[Monica Padman]

We sure do.

[Dax Shepard]

So they need to meet our new pal Claude. While other AIs sound like robots, Claude just gets it with the emotional intelligence. Whether I'm researching gas or or refining my latest meal plan to get Brad Pitt's abs or looking for the best dating advice to give Monica, Claude is the fact checker in your pocket while you're in the armchair.

[Monica Padman]

Well, that's exciting for us. I like having an extra companion.

[Dax Shepard]

Welcome to the team Claude. You can try Claude for free now@cl Claude.com. that's C L A U D E dot com. We are supported by Liquid IV.

[Monica Padman]

I love an electrolyte. You know this.

[Dax Shepard]

I was banging some Liquid IV on my bus trip back because I was drinking so much. Many sodas and everything as I tend to do coffee sodas. I was like, you know, I need some deep hydration and I just filled up a little water bottle with it, pounded it and felt incredible.

[Monica Padman]

It tastes good too.

[Dax Shepard]

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[Monica Padman]

He picks them out. So specifically that I understand.

[Dax Shepard]

Maybe I'll do a glass wall in my next house and I'll hang it and you can choose whether what side you want to see.

[David Sedaris]

We went to Egypt a couple months ago. All the postcards were bullshit. I went to Fiji. It was the same thing.

[Dax Shepard]

I would expect that from Fiji and not from Egypt. Where is this from? No way. That's impossible timing. You just brought up being in Egypt, there being bad postcards and then here one arrives.

[David Sedaris]

I got that in Australia, but it was Egypt and I wished I brought it to Egypt.

[Dax Shepard]

You know what's so nice about this is that I wasn't going to bring up that I haven't gotten a postcard from you in a while. But I've thought about and noticed and been scared that I haven't got a postcard from you in a while and I would have never brought it up. But here one has arrived and now I don't have anything to even Read.

[Monica Padman]

Do you want to read it aloud?

[Dax Shepard]

Well, I don't know if these are, like, private exchanges.

[David Sedaris]

It says it's not the first time I've cheated on Hugh, but somehow this.

[Dax Shepard]

One stings for some reason. I want to read this first by myself and my dad.

[Monica Padman]

I just think it might be fun.

[Dax Shepard]

Maybe on the fact check.

[Monica Padman]

Okay.

[David Sedaris]

Hugh doesn't want postcards. He doesn't want me to text him. He wants letters with stamps on them.

[Monica Padman]

Okay. That's a high bar. That's a lot.

[David Sedaris]

If I'm going to, like, 44 cities, I have to get the letters printed out.

[Monica Padman]

That's a commitment.

[David Sedaris]

And I have a lot of stuff to do already.

[Monica Padman]

You're busy. That's why you're there.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, I'm gonna read it.

[David Sedaris]

Thank you.

[Dax Shepard]

Good idea. Because there's nothing incriminating, but okay. Dear Dax, have you been to Egypt? If you like being hassled and tugged on, it's the place for you. There are 100 million stray cats there, so it's good, too. If you're afraid of mice, I didn't see a single one in Australia. Now, sincerely, David Sedaris. These are my. Yeah. I don't want to make you uncomfortable. These are like, the treasures of treasures. I know. We had the fires. I put my journals in a huge fucking suitcase, and then I grabbed this off my wall.

[David Sedaris]

We were just talking last night. We had dinner with somebody you can name. Drop Jennifer. Jason Lake.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, my goodness.

[David Sedaris]

She looked out her window and saw flames, so she had to evacuate, and she didn't grab anything. And so we were talking about. What would you grab?

[Monica Padman]

Exactly. What'd you say?

[Dax Shepard]

What did you say?

[David Sedaris]

Picasso painting this big?

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[David Sedaris]

Grabbable.

[Dax Shepard]

See, I'm jealous that you have that, because in all these different fears I have, like, somehow I'll still end up penniless. I'm still convinced that'll happen. I wouldn't like one item that I could just put in a backpack and land somewhere and be like, okay, well, I will have rent for time. This Picasso is going to still be valuable.

[David Sedaris]

And, you know, it's small.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah.

[David Sedaris]

And I have a Franz Klein painting that isn't much bigger, so I could put that in the same tote bag.

[Dax Shepard]

You're set.

[Monica Padman]

Do you want to explain the value of art to Dax? Because he has a hard time understanding it.

[Dax Shepard]

I understand it.

[Monica Padman]

Well, you fight back against it.

[Dax Shepard]

My argument is, if you enjoy the image, I don't understand the difference between a nice print in the original work of art unless you're collecting it for an investment money. But, like, if your claim is just, I look at this and I feel a certain way. I think it's a mental trick that because it's only one of them, I feel even a more different way. Does that make sense?

[David Sedaris]

Yeah. I mean, if you told me that you had a Picasso print, I would be like, that's nice.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, first of all, I wouldn't tell anyone I had one. This would just be for me to sit in a room and stare at and get whatever transcendent thing you all are claiming to get from it.

[David Sedaris]

You had a Picasso painting? Yeah, I would say, oh, God, I'd love to see it. I don't usually go to museums because what they have, I can't buy it.

[Monica Padman]

Well, the Vagina Soap Museum you went to. Yeah.

[David Sedaris]

Changed our life, the Vagina Soap Museum. But I went to a museum somewhere a while ago and I had time on my hands, and I looked at the Picasso paintings that they had, and he was such a forerunner and such a genius, and the surface of those paintings was so alive, no one can touch that guy. You know, Picasso was an asshole. And when you stand before him, his paintings, he's a genius. You don't know.

[Dax Shepard]

Why do you have to force yourself to go through all of his worst moments? Yeah, yeah. It's interesting that it's really troubling for people with artists and art, but no one is like, guys, bad news. Einstein raped his niece equals MC squared. We can't touch it no more. No one has any issue with any kind of scientific breakthrough that was done by a monster. There's no moral dilemma. It's like, if this thing serves me, it's a technology I want. I don't give a fuck what the person who invented it did. Yet the art serves you. You can't really make an argument that one's more important than the other. Yet there is this very arbitrary distinction we make between scientists who are pedophiles and shit, and then artists that were.

[David Sedaris]

Yeah, that's a good point.

[Dax Shepard]

Thank you. I wanted to land one good point today.

[David Sedaris]

But even with writers like Celine. Was monster French? Yeah. He can't deny his skill. You can't deny his power as a writer. Another thing is, he wrote quite a while ago, so it's not like people are flying. Read his books. But right now, we're doing something that in 50 years from now is going to be unforgivable. But we can't even imagine it. We're not even thinking, well, it's probably.

[Dax Shepard]

I already Know what it is?

[Monica Padman]

We're eating animals.

[Dax Shepard]

When I bring it up to my friends and colleagues in Los Angeles, no one wants to acknowledge this. There will be a moment where they'll look back in time and they'll go, so anyways, in LA, do you know in 2025, brown people worked and white people didn't. White people didn't cut their grass, they didn't clean their house, they didn't make their food, they didn't deliver their food, they didn't do anything. It was only brown people that did that stuff. People go, that's nuts. That's gonna happen. And when I bring that up to friends, and I'm not saying like, fire your Latina housekeeper, I'm just saying have enough humility to say we're engaged in it now. And they'll go, no. What was a huge improvement from where my housekeeper came from? And I go, that's exactly what the slave trader said. It's the same argument.

[David Sedaris]

I think maybe fossil fuels will be part of it. Maybe eating meat will be part of it.

[Monica Padman]

That's going to be part of it.

[David Sedaris]

That's the stuff we can suspect. There's things we cannot even truly.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, it's like they wore blue shirts. Can you believe?

[Dax Shepard]

I think the fossil fuels will go more in the category of like human. People use a smoke. They used to pull smoke into their lungs and then hold it for a minute and do that several hundred times a day. It just seems stupid.

[David Sedaris]

I have a list on my computer called Countries I have Been to. Now my boyfriend Hugh criticizes me because he says, I just want to go to a place in order to cross it off my list. But yeah, it's that simple. It means a lot to me. This is what I want to do. We went to Monte Carlo last year. So we went to this Michelin starred restaurant and our food just arrived and three men at the next table lit cigars. And then two men at the other table on the other side of us said, oh, we can smoke cigars. And then the waiter came and said, how's your meal? And I said, well, now that you mention it, it tastes like ashtrays. And you said, well, we can't say anything. And they couldn't say anything because people were so rich. The people smoking the cigars at the next table, it's like, well, we've finished our meal, so the important people have eaten. And I said, can I burn a tire at the table? Right, that's what I would like to do. I've got a little money yeah, Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

A little inner tube, a little model glue, set it ablaze. I thought maybe the server was gonna come back and light up a cigar.

[David Sedaris]

To think that edgy ceased to be normal.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, yeah, Yeah. I smoked on an airplane on a flight to Germany when I was.

[David Sedaris]

I woke up in the middle of the night and I'm just wondering.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[David Sedaris]

Was there a time when you couldn't order a drink on an airplane because it was a Sunday?

[Dax Shepard]

Oh. Oh, I have no idea.

[Monica Padman]

That's a great question.

[David Sedaris]

Or let's say if you're flying over North Carolina, would they say you got to finish your drinks in like a minute because you're flying over North Carolina. You couldn't sell liquor on Sunday in.

[Monica Padman]

North Carolina until it might have to do with the hub of the plane. Delta is a Atlanta plane. And I think you can drink there now on Sundays or buy liquor, but at one point you couldn't. So maybe you wouldn't be able to on that plane, but on United you could.

[Dax Shepard]

What if you're taking a red eye, David, and you left New York at 1:45am and then you could have one drink, then it was two. But soon as you got to Chicago, all of a sudden it was 1:46 again and everyone got to have around, and then you just chased the time change for the 2am Cut off. Although I guess in New York it's 4am that scenario would work great. Leaving Detroit because it's 2am One of.

[David Sedaris]

The things you don't count on when you write is you're dated so quickly. Even if you write something about people not having exact change for the flight attendant. Because there was a kind of man who would get on a plane and buy a drink with a $20 bill, and he knew the flight attendant wouldn't have change. Whereas my mother always taught me, if you have a $20 bill, buy a newspaper, buy some gum, buy something in the airport so you can have correct change when you order a drink.

[Dax Shepard]

Cause they would not give you change.

[David Sedaris]

Well, they would, but it's a pain in the ass. Then the flight attendant.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, it's just a kindness.

[David Sedaris]

Yeah. If everybody pays with the 20, the flight attendant's like, fuck. And you know, the flight attendant used to go down the aisle, say, does anybody have any change for.

[Dax Shepard]

Right. Do you feel very protective of flight attendants? Cause I do. Monica saw me get into it with a first class customer that was sitting in front of us in rapid order. He was at the bulkhead and he had his bag in front of his feet. There's Nobody that doesn't know you can't have your bag there, right? So they ask him to put it away. Oh, yeah, I'll get to it. And then he doesn't. And then they come. Now they really need to take off. Sir, we really need you to put the. Oh, I thought I could get it by you. No, you can't. So I'm flagging him. We're right behind him. I'm like, I don't like this guy. And I'm gonna pay attention to everything he does. So then the next thing was, she came to say, have you made a selection for lunch? He said, what are the options? She's like, the menu's right next to you. Well, just tell me the options. We have a short rib, and we have a chicken breast.

[Monica Padman]

No, she said, chicken.

[Dax Shepard]

Chicken. It was a chicken thigh. And he said, is that white meat or dark meat? And I wanted to go like, how could you have gotten to 56 years old and not know Thalia's fucking dark me? Why are you making this woman. So then I needed a pee. He had gotten up to pee. I'm sitting on the armrest. Clearly, I want everyone behind me to know, don't get up. I've claimed that I'm next, right? So when he exits, he sees I'm in the waiting position to go in. So he gets to his seat, which is one row in front of us, and then he decides to, like, open up the thing. And he's just kind of looking around. He's not even grabbing his bag. He's just blocking it. And then, like a hockey player, I just fucking ran through him and shoulder checked him into the seat. Do you like the ending of that story, Monica? Dillon?

[Monica Padman]

There's more. No, that's not the end of the story.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay?

[Monica Padman]

There's an important piece to this, which all that happens. Dax is being very aggressive. And look, I hate that guy. That's annoying that he's behaving that way. But I'm more concerned about his behavior than I am about this stranger.

[Dax Shepard]

Because I represent you.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, and you know better why? Cause even more chaos?

[Dax Shepard]

Because someone needs to smack this guy on the nose. That's why. That's very simple.

[Monica Padman]

So then he causes this ruckus. He sits down, and a few minutes later, the guy turns around. We were at south by Southwest. Dax hosted a panel. This guy turns around, hey, I saw you last night doing the panel. You were so great. Like, he was so nice to him.

[Dax Shepard]

You're gonna, like, get into the story?

[Monica Padman]

Actually, worse then we had to Google who he was.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, I was like, oh, no, he was at that panel. We are just signing a deal with Amazon. That was an Amazon movie. Did I just fucking shove one of our new bosses? Now I'm staring through the gap when he lifts up his laptop to do some work. Thank God it says his full name on this. Sign in for his password. And then the second we land, I open it up and I find out. I was like, oh, he's just a fucking lawyer. I knew it. He was like a lawyer representing one of the actors that was on the panel.

[David Sedaris]

It's so funny though, how you can be on a plane and have a towering hatred for somebody and they have no idea.

[Dax Shepard]

I would have given any to fight him in a parking lot. That's how mad I was at how he was treating this flight attendant.

[David Sedaris]

I was in Australia a couple weeks ago. They made an announcement. They said, the flight to Tasmania is full. So we're asking you to gate check your bag. If you don't care to and you want to bring your bag on the plane, you'll soon find yourself in a situation where there's no room for your bag. We will gladly send it on the 4 o'clock flight. So that's a way to do it.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, big threat.

[David Sedaris]

I just had a knapsack and I had something else under my seat and I had my knapsack in the other headband. So he puts his bag in there, pounding on it. It won't go in all the way because my knapsack. Yeah. And I said, I think it won't go in there because my knapsack. So he pulls my knapsack out and puts his bag in and says, what do you want me to do with this now? No, he didn't stop it. I said, just go. And I was in first class. I said, just wherever you are back there, just go.

[Monica Padman]

Just keep on walking. Oh, my God. That is so crazy though.

[Dax Shepard]

Did he get shoulder checked?

[Monica Padman]

He doesn't get shoulder checked.

[Dax Shepard]

What needs to happen to him?

[Monica Padman]

You say, put it back, please.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay? And he goes, eat this ass.

[David Sedaris]

I saw a flight attendant once. A guy was pounding on a bag to get it in. The flight attendant turned to me and said, I just thank God it's not a living thing. But I had a towering hatred of a flight attendant back in Aberdeen. He was standing right at the door of the plane and he said, can I get you something to drink, young man? And so I just ignored him. And he said, young man? And I ignored him. And he Said young man. And I said, I'm not young. Why don't you just say old man? Because that's right. What you mean? Oh, that's his charm.

[Dax Shepard]

He's gonna flatter you. If you wanna hear that, you're.

[David Sedaris]

You see it a lot with bellman at hotels too. Can I help you with that bag, young man? He'll say to women more. Yeah, he'll say it to, like a twisted stick figure with a walker. I'm a young lady and she's supposed to say, he thinks I'.

[Dax Shepard]

She waddles off.

[David Sedaris]

Here's my new thing, okay? And again, I go on these tours, and that's why I'm traveling and somebody else is paying for my ticket. And I'll admit it, I'm in first class already. You're thinking, you don't have that much to complain about. Look, you're in first class. But the flight attendant kneels and looks at the manifest and says, Mr. David, what would you like? And I'll say, now, oh, can I see the manifest for a second? I say, see? It says, David Sedaris. I said, david is my first name. My last name is Sedaris. So I'd be Mr. Sedaris. Because they don't want to take a chance on pronouncing your last name, so they just call you whatever your first name is. That's just laziness. Part of my job when I sit down and write books is to pronounce people's names when they put them in front of me on a post it note. And I pride myself on it. You know those Irish names? Someone said, oh, those Irish names, they always look like a WI FI password.

[Dax Shepard]

Do they have some symbols above their Alphabet, too, that you play with?

[David Sedaris]

And those can be hard, but if you work at the airport or something, you'd get them after a while. Chinese names, you'd get them if you took an interest and asked people and you would say yes whenever you were right about them. So I just object to the laziness.

[Dax Shepard]

My childhood friend who's just out, Ken Kennedy.

[David Sedaris]

Ken Kennedy. Ken Kennedy, really nice.

[Dax Shepard]

I've used his name in many movies if I have to improv, because it has such a great alliteration. So Ken Kennedy, he lived in Novi, Michigan, and he grew up on Buckminster Way. And one night he was coming home from work, and he got pulled over by a cop. And the cop came up to the window, license and registration, looks at his thing, goes, you have any idea why I pulled you over tonight, Mr. Buckminster? He saw his street name, thought his name was Buckminster. Like, really trying to hand it to him is a big mistake. It was a street name.

[David Sedaris]

Buckminster is my first name. My last name is Street. It would be Michigan.

[Dax Shepard]

You know, by Michigan.

[David Sedaris]

It was interesting, when I was in Australia, not a single person waiting for me at the baggage claim to take me into town said, how was your flight? Which I hate. If you ask me how my flight was, you're just dead to me. And I've said to people before, that's such a bad icebreaker. I know.

[Dax Shepard]

Then why do you just call that out?

[David Sedaris]

Yeah. At a hotel, not a single person said, welcome in Harriet Travels. They would say instead. Gosh, that suitcase. How did the wheels work on that? Are those good wheels on the suitcase?

[Dax Shepard]

You know, the actual question, something specific.

[David Sedaris]

That you could actually answer, it never felt gimmicky.

[Monica Padman]

You don't like platitudes.

[David Sedaris]

Yeah, it just felt more genuine. But, like a corporate personality is no personality.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just like getting through every single thing.

[Monica Padman]

Do you think everyone has to have a personality that you interact with?

[David Sedaris]

No, I'm not opposed to it.

[Dax Shepard]

It's preferable, right?

[David Sedaris]

I like it. If I'm going to the security check at the airport and that person has a personality.

[Dax Shepard]

Me, too.

[David Sedaris]

Love that TSA guy. Personality. Love that, everybody. I'm happy.

[Dax Shepard]

You know who I don't want to have a personality is the pilot. Sometimes you're on a Southwest flight and they kind of pride themselves on that. They make jokes. That's not who I want making jokes.

[David Sedaris]

But I was on tour in the fall, and I went to Chicago, and I was checked in by a woman with down syndrome.

[Dax Shepard]

At a hotel or at the airport?

[David Sedaris]

At the airport. She checked me in for my flight, and she had a very hard time pronouncing the name of the city I was going to, but it was a difficult name. And a lot of times if you have down syndrome, your tongue is kind of thick, so it can be hard to say. So I had to ask twice. But I thought, wow, why have Haven't I seen this before? And then I started thinking, they should hire a guy with down syndrome. Or it could be a woman dressed in a pilot's uniform to stand at the front of the plane at the beginning of every flight and say, we'll be flying over South Dakota. And then all the people who get off the plane immediately would be the right people, and then we could just take off.

[Dax Shepard]

They would be the right people.

[David Sedaris]

Just hire people with down syndrome to Pretend they were the pilots. Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

And you think that's like a test to.

[Monica Padman]

It just weeds out the riffraff.

[Dax Shepard]

That's interesting because I don't wanna get political, but when I was sounding the alarm a year ago going, guys, Biden, he's too old. We must have another option. And people were offended by that. My analogy was, if you got on an airplane and Biden came out of the cockpit and was like, you know, you would get the fuck off. And isn't running this huge country more important than flying one airplane? I thought that was a good analogy.

[David Sedaris]

It was.

[Dax Shepard]

Thank you so much. It's probably tied with your down syndrome analogy.

[David Sedaris]

It bothered me when Pete people took that and said, well, you're just being ageist. And it's like, no, there are people his age who are vital. He's not vital. And you would just be on the edge of your seat. It's like having your kid in the school play. You're so afraid they're gonna fuck up. Every time he opened his mouth, it was just anxiety.

[Dax Shepard]

People are like, did you watch the debate? And I'm like, no, no, I would never watch that. I don't want to see, like, on YouTube, years ago, bum fighting, right? They pay two homeless guys to fight. I don't want to see that.

[David Sedaris]

I never heard of that. You haven't heard of bum fighting?

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, it's so nasty.

[David Sedaris]

I was in the Philippines a years ago and I was on a television show called wow. Wow Weed. Like, they invited me to be on this show. People there are so desperately poor. And people would wait in line for days to get in to give the host money. So he gets a fistful of money and he says, I've got a hundred dollars here for the craziest dancer. And then there'll be, like, people in their 80s, like, break dancing, really humiliating themselves in order to get the money. And it was like, I didn't know the show was gonna be like this.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, what did you do? Every now and then you're on a show and it goes somewhere and you're like, fuck, I'm just standing now in this situation.

[David Sedaris]

I was just brought on and then I gave money to the host to give away. And then I saw what was happening and it was like, bum fighting.

[Monica Padman]

Yes, it is a version of that.

[David Sedaris]

That seems like it would be in the Bible under things not to do. Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

There should be some mention of bum fighting if you look that word up in the dictionary. Is that the word exploitative?

[David Sedaris]

Okay, but is this just as bad? So I was in Pakistan. This man came up, and he was begging for money. And I said, I will buy your shawl. Then he was like, oh, I'll give you the shawl. And he was trying to give it to me because that's what people are like there. If you say to somebody, I like your glasses, they give you. And I'm like, no. Luckily, there was someone who could translate. And I said, you want money from me and I want something from you, so I pay you. I mean, the money I was paying him for his shawl was like. Like 50 times with the shawl.

[Dax Shepard]

Right, right.

[Monica Padman]

You were just making it a transaction.

[David Sedaris]

But he wanted to give me the shawl. And I was thinking, it's nicer for you if it's a transaction, too, because you're not begging me for anything. I'm just a customer buying. Anyway, we finally made that understood. And then we went over here, and then we came back, and he already had a new shawl on, and he was modeling it. And then I was like, I want that one, too. Everything just looks better on him.

[Dax Shepard]

You just wanted to have his frame.

[Monica Padman]

He was a good model. Oh, my God. That is so.

[Dax Shepard]

I have a similar situation. And really, who it bit the most in the ass was Kristen, which was. I was in Italy, and I have a good relationship with Ducati. I got to tour the factory where they make the motorcycles in Bologna, and the tour was given to me by this very, very nice man who did not speak nearly any English. And he had a very cool vintage Ducati leather jacket on. And I had mentioned two or three times how how awesome his jacket was. And at the end, he took off the jacket and he tried to give it to me, and I was like, oh, no, no. I absolutely cannot accept this vintage jacket. I was successful in not taking the jacket, but I was so moved by this gesture. He said, I'm going to Los Angeles. And I was like, you must stay with us. Oh, God. I was really panicked because the gesture was so nice. And he fucking did. This man came for a week at our old house, and I was working the whole week shooting a show, and Kristen wasn't. There was just an Italian man in our house that spoke almost no English.

[Monica Padman]

You should have taken the jacket at that point. Then it's an accident.

[Dax Shepard]

Bring that jacket when you come.

[David Sedaris]

Yeah, that would have been fair.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, exactly.

[Dax Shepard]

I regret not taking the jacket after he was there.

[David Sedaris]

Day seven, I went to Australia with my friend Dawn. Her dad had a music store, and he would get a lot of letters from Prisoners. Oh, can you send me some guitar strings? And he was a lovely man, Don's father. So people would get out of prison, and they wouldn't have any place to go. And so dawn would be at home. Home alone.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, no.

[David Sedaris]

With someone who just gotten out of prison. Stole from her jewelry box.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh.

[Monica Padman]

Sometimes kindness can really bite you. It really can, actually. This is interesting. When you're talking about the shawl for us, it's humiliating for him to just give you something and then you're giving money. But is it humiliating? Objectively, not really. Right. If they want the thing.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, yeah.

[Monica Padman]

Emotionally, it feels horrible to watch it, but also, they don't feel horrible.

[David Sedaris]

When I was in Australia a few weeks ago, there was a hotel that had a notice on the desk that said, we are cash free. And then it said, money can contain 163 bacterias. Something like that. And then they had written, we charge an X fee for using a credit card.

[Dax Shepard]

No.

[David Sedaris]

Yeah. Anyway, when I was in Egypt, there was this kid selling big balloons, and they weren't inflated, but you'd inflate them yourself. They were just big. I thought, oh, they'd be good to give away to people at a book signing or something. So I. I bought all the ones that he had, and I gave him money, and he kissed the money, and the money there, you have to have a big stack of it. Like, $100 would be such a big stack of money. You could barely close your wallet. And it really stinks. Like, the money really stinks.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah.

[David Sedaris]

And here was this kid kissing it, and this other place won't even take it.

[Monica Padman]

Exactly.

[Dax Shepard]

Right.

[David Sedaris]

And they don't know what stinky money is like. Australian money is that plasticky money you could put in the dishwasher if you wanted to, and it would come out fine.

[Dax Shepard]

Ye.

[Monica Padman]

I guess nothing's objective.

[Dax Shepard]

Were you doing readings in Australia?

[David Sedaris]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, so you two are worldwide.

[David Sedaris]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

What are some of the countries? Australia.

[David Sedaris]

I went to England and did something, and then I went to Australia, and that was just a vacation. And then I went to New Zealand, and then I went to Australia, and then I went to Fiji, but that was just vacation. And then I went to Hawaii, and that was for work.

[Dax Shepard]

Everyone used that was vacation.

[David Sedaris]

When I was in Hawaii, someone told me I was in Hilo on the Big Island.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

[Monica Padman]

Okay.

[David Sedaris]

Someone said, oh. There was a woman who recently had a baby on the ground. She just stopped. The baby came out of her, and then she kept walking. The baby was being dragged by its umbilical.

[Dax Shepard]

Nerve. What? No.

[David Sedaris]

That's what I said. And they said, no. It happened in front of Pineapple's restaurant. Lots of people saw it. And I said, what was the baby's drag name? But they said, which of her last seventh child?

[Dax Shepard]

And she just kept walking.

[David Sedaris]

But you know what? If you had 11, I know you might be like, eh, it's fine.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not in a position to judge. I haven't had 11.

[Monica Padman]

God.

[Dax Shepard]

I want an update from you. Where are you at on your smile journey? Because we've kind of caught you throughout your progress. You had gotten all your teeth fixed, but you were telling us that even though they're fixed, you still just have this muscle memory where you hate to smile.

[David Sedaris]

I don't do it in front of the mirror. I still can't look at my teeth. I had to go to the dentist the other day. And she held up the mirror and I'm like, have we not been through this? I can't look. I don't ever want to eat those. During the pandemic, I got those invisaligns because I had massive gaps. I was in a nice hotel checking in. I would feel them thinking, you don't belong here. It's shocking not to feel that way. Like, no one's ever said to me, you have beautiful eyes. Just no one's ever said it to me. Right. I don't know what that's like to have beautiful eyes, but I'm fine with that. But nobody ever said, oh, you have such a nice smile. And then somebody said it to me after I got my teeth fixed. And I thought, I never in my life thought I would ever hear that from anyone.

[Monica Padman]

Did it feel good or did it feel like a cheat?

[David Sedaris]

You know, there are women who have magnificent breasts. Me, just born with magnificent breasts. Yeah. I think if somebody else then has a maid. You know what? This is a better analogy. Okay, I. I don't know that I still have them, but I used to have magnificent calves. They were like Popeye's arms, like bowling balls. And then people started getting calf implants.

[Monica Padman]

Right.

[David Sedaris]

And it's like, I have big calves because I'm short. It's something you get as a bonus. And because I walk so much and you just paid to have your big calves. But ultimately I don't really care.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah. This is the Ozempic conversation for a lot of people.

[David Sedaris]

I was picking up trash in England and I found a strap on penis that was like, like an inch and a half long.

[Monica Padman]

Sell that.

[David Sedaris]

And I Thought, who are you gonna. A Cabbage Patch Dog?

[Monica Padman]

Wow. There's a kink for everything. Wow.

[Dax Shepard]

Maybe they were in love. I gotta pick the right species that would be smart enough to be consenting. Like maybe they were in love with the small chimpanzee and they wanted to consummate the relationship. We've talked about this a lot. Like, is there an animal is morally fine to be in love with? And we've concluded that female humans can guilt free date male dolphins because male dolphins are so horny. They constantly are getting caught trying to. The people they're swimming with, they're perverts. And there's these scientists that studied them and the dolphins, some of the scientists, we don't think it's right for a male human to a female dolphin, but vice versa is totally fine with us. What's your verdict on that?

[David Sedaris]

Gosh.

[Dax Shepard]

Because bonobo chimps are famously very horny. So I think I'd be fine with a male bonobo chimp dating a female.

[David Sedaris]

No, I'd be better with a water creature. It would just be more sanitary, I guess.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, but ethically, it's more an ethics question. Stay tuned for more Armchair expert if you dare. We are supported by Allstate. Some people just know they could save hundreds on car insurance by checking Allstate first. Like, you know, to check that you took your allergy pill first before you go to the botanical garden. Like, you know, to make sure that cute coat you bought is waterproof first before you wear it outside on a rainy day. Or checking that a potential partner is an armchair. Checking first is smart, so check Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Savings vary, subject to terms, conditions and availability. Allstate Fire and Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois. We are supported by Squarespace. Our old friends, Squarespace. Squarespace is the all in one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online. We love Squarespace. We have our Armchair Expert website which was built by Squarespace and it's gorgeous. It's a great, great product. If you want to build a website that looks as snazzy as the armchair expert site, Squarespace makes it simple. With their collection of cutting edge design tools, you can build a bespoke online presence that perfectly fits your brand. Or start with blueprint AI, Squarespace's AI enhanced website builder to get a fully custom website in just a few steps. Basic info about your industry goals and personality will generate premium quality content and personalized design recommendations. Squarespace also offers a complete library of website templates with options for every use and category. You can make a gorgeous website without any previous experience. Check out squarespace.com for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, use offer code DAX to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. That's squarespace.com and promo code DAX to get started today. What if your mind could trick your body into feeling sick or even worse? In Hysterical, I investigate the bizarre medical mystery that unfolds in a high school in upstate New York. It starts with one girl developing strange violent symptoms. And then another, and then another. Rumors begin to swirl. Is it something in the water inside the school? Or is it all in their heads? Hysterical is my search for answers. And along the way I uncover surprising connections to unexplained incidents around the world. Events that challenge everything we think we know about our bodies and our minds. Named Podcast of the Year at the Gambies, Hysterical is a mind bending, unforgettable rush Binge all episodes right now exclusively and ad free on Wondery. Start your free trial of Wondery in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts.

[David Sedaris]

A friend recently showed me a YouTube video and it was Spanish feminists protesting the rape of chickens. And I thought, oh, who would be so low as to rape a chicken? They meant roosters.

[Monica Padman]

The roosters were raping the chicken.

[David Sedaris]

And then their point was that if you have free range chickens and a rooster starts raping, the chicken can run away or something. But if they are in closed captivity, if you corner them, the chicken doesn't have any. And then I thought, okay, yeah, that's fine.

[Monica Padman]

It does have some backing behind.

[Dax Shepard]

I'm okay with that.

[David Sedaris]

A female snapping turtle has no peace. The male is just constantly orangutans too. But at least they can try to swim away or try to escape in a way that they couldn't if they were.

[Dax Shepard]

They also must be master disassociators. Cause they can just literally leave the world and go inside their shell. You know, they can really disassociate quite literally. I read the hem of his garment this morning, which is phenomenal. It was in the New Yorker, September, I guess, of last year. That's a pretty crazy story we tell Monica that you got invited to go meet the Pope.

[David Sedaris]

The Pope wanted to meet with humorists and comedians from around the world.

[Monica Padman]

Wow.

[David Sedaris]

So I was just minding my own business and then I got an email. I guess it had been sent earlier, but it didn't get to me. And it said, after tomorrow, you're invited to meet the pop.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, my God.

[David Sedaris]

And I was in England, so it was an easy flight. So anyway, I thought, I'm not a Catholic, and I honestly don't care about the Pope, but I thought, it's a once in a lifetime opportunity. I'd be dumb not to do it. So I went and I met the Pope.

[Dax Shepard]

There was a hundred of you invited?

[David Sedaris]

Yeah. When I came back, I was like, I met Chris Rock because he was one of the people.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, wow.

[David Sedaris]

That to me was more like, oh, my God, I can't believe I met Chris Rock.

[Dax Shepard]

You listed every comedian that was invited, virtually in the article. And you're like, each one of those people I would want to hang out with for sure and meet more than. But they're gonna be there. So this is kind of a fast path to me. And all these other people. I would.

[David Sedaris]

Most of the comedians were Italian, but they were from all over the world. I met this one woman from Switzerland. There was an Italian woman who was the only person to speak. And I'd met her before. Very well known Italian comedian. And when I met her, she had just adopted two teenagers from Romania.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, wow.

[Dax Shepard]

Teenagers.

[David Sedaris]

They were taking her canceled checks and selling them because they had her autograph on them. Oh, my God, they were gypsies. And then she thought it was the funniest thing in the world. Anyway, so I asked about the kids and. Oh, they're doing great.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, they're great. They're in jail. Yeah, I see them once a month.

[David Sedaris]

Everything worked out. So we just went. The Pope read something to us.

[Dax Shepard]

That's what I don't understand. I would presume, if I were you. Oh, he wants to have some kind of dialogue.

[David Sedaris]

Right?

[Dax Shepard]

As you said in the article. Yeah. Why have you guys all come and then he sits in a chair and then this woman makes a speech. And then that's that. What was gained from this?

[David Sedaris]

She made a speech that was like 45 seconds long. Oh. And then he read a speech, and it was in Italian.

[Dax Shepard]

Did anyone ever translate it to you?

[David Sedaris]

Yeah, they gave us a copy of it. He could have saved time. Laughter makes the world go round is essentially what he said.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, okay.

[Monica Padman]

So he was thanking you.

[Dax Shepard]

It sounds more like he was acknowledging your contribution to the planet.

[David Sedaris]

No, he was just saying, like, oh, it helps the laughter.

[Dax Shepard]

Why don't you all fly here?

[David Sedaris]

God would like us to laugh. And laughing's okay.

[Monica Padman]

He's a progressive Pope. Right. That's a whole thing.

[Dax Shepard]

But he had said faggotry Twice in the three weeks preceding David's arrival. He said it in Italian, but it translates to faggotry.

[David Sedaris]

But he was saying there was too much faggotry in the seminar, which I thought was just funny. And then he apologized, and then he said it again.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

[David Sedaris]

He's 86.

[Monica Padman]

He is. And.

[David Sedaris]

And there were people. I can't believe you went. And I would have boycotted. I wouldn't have gone. He said, faggotry, but the Pope cannot perform a gay marriage. But he was blessing gay couples about to be married. He's a very progressive guy for a pope.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[David Sedaris]

He sat there, and we all met him.

[Dax Shepard]

You shook his hand. Friends of yours had advised you should kiss his ring. Then others said, no, you don't. He actually doesn't like getting his ring.

[David Sedaris]

Yeah, this one doesn't like you getting his ring kissed.

[Dax Shepard]

Did you watch? Cosmic.

[David Sedaris]

Loved it. I loved it.

[Dax Shepard]

But you must have a particular interest, having just been there and experiencing it.

[David Sedaris]

Did you cry when you watched Conclave?

[Dax Shepard]

I didn't cry. Did you?

[David Sedaris]

I cried when the guy from South America spoke in Spanish. He starts off speaking English, and then it moves into Spanish. What he said was so beautiful, and the Spanish was so beautiful. And his face. I'm not a religious person, and I'm not a Christian, but I thought, I'll follow you. Yeah. And what he said was that the church is not the past. He said, the church is what happens next. I don't even know what it means.

[Dax Shepard]

Right. It's like a great song. You don't know the lyrics. Do with your fault.

[David Sedaris]

It looks to my eyes. And I saw it and I rented it. And then I played that again and again and again and again and again and again. I loved it.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, I did, too.

[David Sedaris]

The clothes in that movie, I mean, come on. They're remarkable.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, that's where the story goes.

[David Sedaris]

Well, because there were a hundred people there, and you figured every single one of them was gonna put it into a routine. So what would my take be? And my take was the clothes. And I went to a place that's been dressing the poem.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, before you get to there, I need to know, are you off the dome that knowledgeable about all those articles at Clothes, or do you yourself have to do some research when you write that piece?

[David Sedaris]

I looked up the names of things. Cause I didn't know those.

[Dax Shepard]

And they're inherently interesting, those names. Like, they're words I've never heard. So I'm like, oo, I'M intrigued by this.

[David Sedaris]

Like a cassock that's pretty simple. But the sash is called aphasia.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[David Sedaris]

I like it when I read something and there's technical language in there.

[Dax Shepard]

Me too.

[David Sedaris]

Like, not too much, but just some of it. I was trying to describe the clothing as well. And then I went to a place that's been dressing the Pope for 300 years and I thought they wouldn't sell to a layman.

[Dax Shepard]

And you went with Julie.

[David Sedaris]

Julie Louis Dreyfus.

[Dax Shepard]

Julie Louise Dreyfus. What could be more fun than having her in tow?

[David Sedaris]

She was just fantastic.

[Dax Shepard]

So you were trying to think of a ruse by which you'll be able to buy these robes.

[David Sedaris]

It takes nine months to have one made, but then they had one that was never picked up for some reason. So, anyway, I walked right out the doorway off the rack, and then I started wearing it. Stop out. And it's so interesting. I wore it in London, where it's not a Catholic country.

[Dax Shepard]

With the collar?

[David Sedaris]

Yeah, with the collar and everything.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, my God.

[David Sedaris]

And then would see me from a distance and then look away when they got close. They couldn't look at my face.

[Dax Shepard]

They're scared you'll see all their sins just screaming across their face.

[David Sedaris]

I don't know. Again, it's not a Catholic country.

[Dax Shepard]

I'm an atheist and I don't like looking at a priest. I'm like, he can see what a scumbag I am. This is his stock and trade. He's like, you fucking need to come in. I think it triggers that in people. Like, oh, we're in trouble.

[David Sedaris]

Maybe that's it. Oxford street in London. It's like there's a shift change and at 6 o'clock, Christians go home and Muslims take over.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, really?

[Monica Padman]

Oh, interesting.

[David Sedaris]

Even the beggars on the street go home and are replaced by beggars from the Middle East.

[Monica Padman]

Wow.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, wow.

[David Sedaris]

And so everybody on Oxford street after a certain time at night is Muslim. And often they're dressed in. I don't know the names for the clothing. And there I was treated differently. There people looked me in the face.

[Dax Shepard]

Because they're living a very pure life.

[David Sedaris]

Yeah. They were living a religious life. And I felt like they were looking at me like, whatever, you know, if you want to believe that, go ahead.

[Monica Padman]

Right.

[David Sedaris]

We're both wearing black. And so it was interesting.

[Monica Padman]

That is interesting.

[Dax Shepard]

I can't imagine anything more amusing than being on a trip to London and knowing who you are and then just looking over and seeing you strolling around in a priest's outfit that's really spectacular. I'm almost jealous of anyone who saw you and knew who it was.

[David Sedaris]

It has 33, or is it 32 buttons, one for each year of Christ's life.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay.

[David Sedaris]

And so you're supposed to think about that every time. Second time you put it on, you're pulling it over your head. You know that he was crucified at 12. That is a lot of work. I wore it on stage one night and the lights were really hot. And so I'm trying to unbutton it while I'm reading.

[Dax Shepard]

Will you tell Monica your joke about Epstein nails?

[David Sedaris]

A man dies and he has a company that sells nails and he turns it over to his son in law. And one day he opens a newspaper and he sees a full page ad and it's a picture of Jesus on the cross and it says, we used Epstein nails. And the guy calls his son in law and says, are you out of your mind? This is no way to sell our product. Right. A couple days later, he opens a newspaper and he sees a picture of a cross and lying face down in the dust in front of it is Jesus Christ. And the caption says, they didn't use Epstein nails.

[Monica Padman]

Oh my God. That's fantastic.

[David Sedaris]

What I like about that too is that people think it's a Jewish joke. It's not. It's just a dummy joke.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[David Sedaris]

The best joke I've heard lately is that someone told me at a book signing was a guy wakes up in the hospital following a horrible accident and says, doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs. And the doctor says, I know, I just amputated both your arms.

[Monica Padman]

That's great. It's funny what you just said about you think it's a joke about one thing and then it's not. And that's why it's actually funny because it's actually not offensive. But you're scared that it is. And then you're like, oh, I can laugh. There's like a relief in it. I was watching Shane Gillison his stand up.

[Dax Shepard]

Have you watched him?

[Monica Padman]

Have you seen him?

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, you would absolutely love it.

[Monica Padman]

He's very, very funny. But it came out like a year ago and a lot of people watched it. And I remember Kristen was like, I don't think you should watch it. You won't like it to me. So I didn't. And then since then we've had some other people on who I do think are offensive. So then I was like, now I want to see this guy and see and I Don't find it offensive at all because it's so nuanced who you're making fun of. And that, to me, is the difference between what's offensive and what's not.

[David Sedaris]

Isn't he really sweet?

[Dax Shepard]

He's really sweet. And then back to. I almost brought this up when you're talking about the down syndrome check in person, which is he has several family members that have down syndrome, and he has opened up a bagel and coffee shop in the small town he's from that's run entirely by these down syndrome people. And he goes, yeah, it's running. You know, it's up. People go in and it's going exactly how you think think it would.

[Monica Padman]

He says there's a really long line. Not because.

[David Sedaris]

Well, there's a place in. Is it Savannah or is it Columbia, South Carolina? And it's a coffee shop and everyone who works there has down syndrome. Or some people have brain dam. You know, they were in an accident or something like that. It's so funny because they don't take cash because making change is too much. When you get a coffee, it just takes a really long time to get it and it's filled up to the very top, but you just feel really good.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, of course.

[David Sedaris]

Someone told me about a place in Dallas called Howdy, and it's ice cream parlor, and everybody who works there has down syndrome. And so I said, I'm going. We went. And they make the ice cream, too. And they had Dr. Pepper ice cream. I would have tried it, but it had chocolate chips in it and I can't eat chocolate.

[Dax Shepard]

You can't eat chocolate.

[David Sedaris]

But it's such a good idea for a business because you don't care. I mean, yeah, it takes a little bit longer.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, you're happy.

[David Sedaris]

The Shane guy, is he Southern?

[Dax Shepard]

He's from, I think, Pennsylvania.

[David Sedaris]

I know what you mean, though, that sometimes I think people hear a word and then you're making a joke at the expense of something and it's like, no, you weren't really listening. You stopped at the word and you didn't listen to the rest of it. That happens a lot.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah. I think that's what separates a very, very good comedian from a shock jock. And to some people, it can all sound the same, but it's really, really not.

[Dax Shepard]

I'm glad you liked him. I think he's the funniest guy. We saw him live at the Greek and. And it's the greatest standup I've ever seen. You would love his special.

[Monica Padman]

What's it called Beautiful Dogs.

[David Sedaris]

Gosh, something you said a second ago. Somebody gave me a rape whistle. It was a red whistle and it was in a plastic bag that had rape whistle written on it. Right. And I thought, oh, I'll give it to a teenager at my book signing. So I was waiting for the perfect person. The 17 year old boy came with his mother and I gave it to him and I said, I'm not exactly sure how it works, but I think you're supposed to blow into it the second you start raping someone. And then someone would. Was offended by that. And I thought, no, no, a woman's being raped, she's got her hands full, why can't the guy? I mean, it's the least a guy could do is blow into a rape whistle.

[Monica Padman]

Do your part.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, one thing I want to hear you talk about a tiny bit is in the hem of his garment. You say, I'm not queer, I'm gay. Tell me the distinction between that.

[David Sedaris]

My objection to queer isn't that it used to be a slur and it really is a generational thing. When I'm signing books, if I meet gay men my age, I say, there's not a right answer. I said, but where do you stand on the word queer? And 90% of them feel the way that I do, which is it used.

[Dax Shepard]

To be yelled at you.

[David Sedaris]

Right, right. But I don't care that it used to be a slur. It's the fourth time in my life that I've been rebranded and nobody ever asks. I was in Australia not long ago and the flight attendants for Qantas were getting new uniforms and I just said to one, oh, I love your uniform now. I love the way the navy blue is next to the red is next to the pink. And she said, well, we're getting new uniforms. And I said what if? And she said, we're all getting a chance to vote on them. But nobody did that with queer. The word just changed to queer. And then people say to me as a queer writer, and I just like.

[Monica Padman]

No, I didn't pick that.

[David Sedaris]

Yeah, I didn't pick it. And also it's an umbrella term. When I was in Australia, somebody said, oh, I know a nun who identifies as queer because she's married to God and that is an alternative sexual state. I meet a lot of women who identify as queer that are married to men, but they're open to the idea of a three way of something. So now they ident as queer. And I just don't know why I'm on Their team.

[Monica Padman]

You're like, we're not the same.

[David Sedaris]

Right. Somebody lumped us all together. I just wanna know who did the lumping. Or bipoc.

[Dax Shepard]

What's bipoc?

[David Sedaris]

Black indigenous people of color. If you were like a Native American or you're black or you're black, wouldn't.

[Dax Shepard]

You just rather be Native American or be black?

[David Sedaris]

Right. But somebody decided, but it wasn't Native Americans or black people. It was some humanities professor who decided that we're gonn invent this word.

[Monica Padman]

It's so ironic because it's an attempt to be inclusive, and then, in fact, it just sort of erases people's individual identities.

[David Sedaris]

I mean, I was just thinking this earlier today. I thought if they were straight people and gay people picking sport teams, gays would say, let's take the trans. I just feel like the genderqueer people would be the last ones on the field. You know what I mean? It'd be like, chunk, we already took the nuns. Okay, Take the genderqueers as well, you know, and they have green hair and their septum rings, and they come over your team where they just complain about everything. I did a little CBS Sunday Morning thing. That's how I don't want to be. And then I don't ever read anything about myself. But apparently my friend Pamela Paul, who writes for the New York Times, she said, can I quote you for my op ed piece in the Times? And then the Times ran a letter, and it was like somebody went off on that aspect of it and called my position problematic. But it's like, if I'm gay, I think I have a voice.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[David Sedaris]

You think I should be able to say, I don't like that. It's not like there are people in Puerto Rico being called something. And I say, I don't agree about that. It's a word people are directing toward me. Plus, I have a problem with problematic. If everything's problematic, nothing is.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, that word for me is a big, big.

[Monica Padman]

It's problematic.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. Yeah. It's rough. I do read the comments of this show, and I had made a Boy Scout joke I've now forgotten. It was like a Boy Scout leader and a young boy walking into the woods and they're gonna go camping. I'm sure you know this.

[David Sedaris]

I gotta walk out alone. Yeah, exactly.

[Dax Shepard]

The little boy goes, oh, man, I'm so scared. It's so dark. He goes, how do you think I feel? I'm gonna have to walk out alone. It's a great joke. Someone was very mad at me. How dare you make that joke? It's disgusting. And I wrote to them, I was molested. If I earned a single thing out of that, I can fucking make that joke as many times as I want. And she goes, well, I wasn't, so I don't know. And I was like, well, you weren't. And you're telling me how to deal with it. You don't have any business in this. Really? That one got me mad.

[David Sedaris]

I wrote an essay in the New Yorker about my close friend dawn. And I just said in passing that one of her lungs had collapsed. So she was super nervous about COVID And so she wore her mask long after everybody else. And she and I were at O'Hare Air and I said, dawn, I think it's time to let it go. Look around you. Nobody else. She took her mask off immediately, got Covid. Oh, but the story was about our almost 50 year old friendship.

[Monica Padman]

Yes, of course.

[David Sedaris]

So then my publicist called and said, I just think you should know this is happening. And it was like a tidal wave. I was ableist and I bullied a vulnerable person into taking her mask. I hope she never talks to you again. Oh my God, you almost killed her. I hate people. And it never occurred to me. No one was angrier than dawn because she doesn't identify as vulnerable.

[Monica Padman]

Right.

[David Sedaris]

And you can't bully her into anything.

[Dax Shepard]

Takes away her autonomy in this somehow.

[David Sedaris]

Also, if it's a New Yorker, your editor's like, I don't know about this. No one saw that coming. And then people were so angry about it. I didn't respond to any of it. I didn't read it. Some of it got back to me. But I just think thought I'd love to meet one of those people.

[Dax Shepard]

I have that fantasy too. Like, I wonder if I sat and talked with them, could we join the same reality together at some point? I do have a curiosity, like some of these people are very mad. I just want to go. Like, I would love to have lunch with you and see if at the end of that lunch you could really still feel that way.

[Monica Padman]

But as soon as they even meet you for lunch, they're not going to be that. They're not that. That's a presence you're able to have when you're not in front of another person. That's an online rage.

[Dax Shepard]

I think what's a little bit happened is there was a barrier of effort before your passing. Thought to get to you would have involved sitting down and writing on paper and then finding an address and a stamp and all that. So you wouldn't do it. You would just let it remain a passing thought. But now you're already at the keyboard and the passing thought can come out. And so I have to often check myself and go, let's just recognize this person might not even think this. It was in their head that second, and they had the keys right there and they did it.

[David Sedaris]

I've only written a comment one time, and it was the New York Times did an article, article about Tom Brown, the fashion designer. And people wrote in, oh, I can't believe who would wear that. I can't believe that's so expensive. And I wrote, you don't have to wear the whole outfit. And if you were to hold this jacket, you would understand why it costs so much. And also somebody's being paid well to make that jacket paid properly. And that's all. And then there was something the other day people were going off on. I think sometimes I'm pretty lucky to be my age because I think certain people, like Lena Dunham, who I've done a show with and spent a little bit of time with and is a lovely person.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[David Sedaris]

And talented person. But I think it's hard for her because of her age, her audience, her peers, rather grew up online. And they fucking are brutal.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, yeah.

[David Sedaris]

Amy Schumer, it's the same thing. People are just brutal, brutal. Amy Schumer has a new movie. Yeah, but it was funny.

[Monica Padman]

I haven't seen it.

[David Sedaris]

And then people like, you know, I wanted to write, like, really, I thought it was really funny. But then I thought, then, do I.

[Monica Padman]

Become a part of the sexual.

[Dax Shepard]

That's kind of my policy. I don't defend myself, but I defend other people. I like. I'll get involved in the comments to defend other people. You wrote a children's book, Pretty Ugly. Did people buy it?

[David Sedaris]

Yeah, yeah. It was written 20 years ago. It was more than 20 years ago. And Ian Falconer did the. But it was for a project of cartoons for kids that the art director for the New Yorker put together. And then a couple years ago, she decided to bring it out as a book. Ian died a couple months before the book came out.

[Dax Shepard]

So it was done 20 years ago, but it came out a couple years ago.

[David Sedaris]

Yeah, yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay. What I love about. Cause you were on Seth Meyers talking about it, but you're like, there's no message in this book for the kids. There's no lesson and there's no message. And I just loved your defense of that.

[David Sedaris]

Well, poor kids. I mean, everybody look at every children's book, there's a message, and it's not doing any good. There's still an like, look at these adults.

[Monica Padman]

It didn't work.

[Dax Shepard]

The baseline of Pieces of Shit has not really fluctuated at all pre or post. All these great books.

[David Sedaris]

What was the message of Brain, Eggs and Ham?

[Dax Shepard]

Message is it Dr. Seuss was pretty good at. He wasn't beating kids over the head with anything. But you're right, there's this impulse for everyone to teach them a lesson every second they're awake, and it must be exhausting.

[David Sedaris]

Well, you know what's interesting to me, too? The reviews of children's Books now and Publishers Weekly and Kirkus, which are publications that review new books. And it was so interesting. It said, characters, skin color is the same as the page because they all review the books for diversity. What color are the people and how many? That's a consideration. I don't read children's books.

[Dax Shepard]

You know, it's been a while.

[David Sedaris]

Yeah. I don't. There was one that I bought 20 copies of, and it's a German book.

[Monica Padman]

Oh.

[David Sedaris]

And it's a mole and someone's shed on its head. And it goes to different animals and said, did you do this? And then the horse says, no, my shed looks like this. And the goat says, no, my shet looks like this.

[Dax Shepard]

This is so German.

[David Sedaris]

And it's really beautifully drawn.

[Monica Padman]

And oh, my God, I love it.

[David Sedaris]

It was a great size. And then it got translated into many different languages.

[Dax Shepard]

What's the name of that book? I want to get that. And it's got the word mole, Shaisha in it.

[David Sedaris]

It's like the little mole who wanted to know who did it on his head.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay. How could he not?

[David Sedaris]

And there's not a lesson in it, except you see what horseshit looks like.

[Dax Shepard]

Shush. Yeah. You get educated on scat.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah. Which is important.

[Dax Shepard]

We did a whole episode on toilets as they vary around the world. And the German toilet in particular is designed with a landing pad so you can examine your shit to diagnose your health. And I was like, that sounds.

[David Sedaris]

The first time I went to Germany, I thought, what?

[Dax Shepard]

Why is there a staging area for free turd before it fucking goes into the sewer system?

[Monica Padman]

They're sick over there.

[Dax Shepard]

I like it. I like it.

[Monica Padman]

I know, it's pretty fun.

[David Sedaris]

When Hugh just had his hip replaced, I went with him to the hospital. I was with him in this little examining room, and one nurse or one doctor after another came into the room and they asked questions. Each one of them Had a personality. And one of them said to Hugh, when was the last time you had a bowel movement? I said, we don't do that. You know, we do not do that. We do not talk about that. We do never, ever, ever, ever, ever. And I thought everything could fall apart if I listened to his answer. After 35 years.

[Dax Shepard]

35 years.

[Monica Padman]

I'm so impressed.

[Dax Shepard]

I'm shocked because I didn't think I would ever wander into the area that you're a prude. I mean, you acknowledge this is, like very prudent.

[David Sedaris]

No, I think it's good for a relationship.

[Monica Padman]

A lot of people think this never.

[David Sedaris]

Happened in our house. I mean, I know people who have that relationship.

[Dax Shepard]

So when you guys get a hotel room, do you make sure you get a suite that has two toilets in it so that you guys can split up?

[David Sedaris]

No, but if Hugh were to go into the bathroom, I would respectfully not.

[Monica Padman]

Turn on the tv.

[David Sedaris]

Not the tv, but something. It would depend if there was a bathroom and it had a paper door and he would in there. Then I would say, I'm just gonna listen to this podcast with these big noise canceling headphones on.

[Dax Shepard]

Time for me to practice my accordion.

[David Sedaris]

Yeah. Or I would leave. When we lived in Normandy, there was one bedroom and then the bathroom and then the kitchen. And when we had company, he would be out somewhere and I would say, I'm going to go for a walk. I would be back in exactly 20 minutes, you know, so people would know.

[Dax Shepard]

Now's the time to try to move your ball.

[David Sedaris]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

This is interesting.

[Monica Padman]

I'm surprised and I do like it. I mean, this is an ongoing debate for people in relationships.

[Dax Shepard]

Does it ruin the romance?

[Monica Padman]

Does it ruin it?

[David Sedaris]

We had a house guest a while ago who said, I'm gonna go downstairs now and take a shit. And I said, why do you even say that? Just go downstairs.

[Dax Shepard]

I'm glad I know this about you now because I talk about it a lot and I probably would get myself disinvited had I not known this prior to coming over.

[David Sedaris]

It's just a different way of.

[Dax Shepard]

They're two different paradigms.

[David Sedaris]

Right. People who acknowledge it and say it's a part of life.

[Dax Shepard]

I think it's funny. I think it's very inherently funny.

[David Sedaris]

I like hearing about other people.

[Dax Shepard]

Do you like a pant shitting story? That's my all time favorite story.

[David Sedaris]

There's nothing better. I like your story about shitting in your pants. Was it Home Depot?

[Dax Shepard]

Yes. Bending over to pick up some wood, and the bathroom was a Quarter mile away. Yeah. And I know there's cameras in there and I know I'm recognizable and I'm walking. I've clearly shit my pants. Did I tell you when I got in there, the was there's trash cans in all the stalls at Home Depot. Which I think lets you know what the overall health of the laborers in the parking lot is like. Clearly they had so many pairs of underwear in the bin for the paper towel that they were like, we gotta put 55 gallon trash cans in each stall.

[David Sedaris]

I was at the airport a few weeks ago and my friend said, oh, look at that man. He looks so good in his seersucker suit. And he was like in his 70s. And I fell in behind him later and he had completely shit in his pants.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

That's a gift, though. You get immediately excited.

[David Sedaris]

No, I felt contempt for him. Oh, I got really early for my flight to the airport. I knew there was a gift shop. I knew they sold clothing. I'm like, why didn't you go and buy a pair of pants at the gift shop if you thought, this is a nice suit, I'm gonna put it in a plastic bag. And I thought, you can't not know. Even if you sat in someone else's shed, you'd be like, right.

[Dax Shepard]

It triggered your laziness thing again. I think that's the recurring theme is that when you smell laziness, literally, like, fucking handle your business. It wasn't about anything other than that.

[David Sedaris]

Then I thought, well, maybe he took his underwear off and he just still stinks a bit.

[Monica Padman]

Could you see it or you could only smell it?

[David Sedaris]

No, you could see it. And I thought, what would I have done? So I would have bought the shorts. If you're that married to the pants, I would have completely washed them in the sink. It takes some work, but it's seersucker. You could get it done if they had a hand. You could go through all that and hand dry them and put them on again if you needed to. But I wouldn't even feel confident to do that. I would have thrown the pants away or wrap the jacket around your waist.

[Dax Shepard]

I sent Monica a photo one time. I was at the pharmacy and I was in line and the woman in front of me who was wearing yoga pants had shit herself. Her pants were full of shit and she was waiting in a very long line. And she was so casual. And I just thought, this woman's a gangster. I couldn't do that. I had to admire the bravery and the. The fuck itness. Of her demeanor. I just was like, man, when I shit my pants, I'm racing to handle it. This woman was like, no, I'm going to stop by the pharmacy. That's on my list. God knows where else she went. She might have gone grocery shopping.

[David Sedaris]

I would have gone to the second person in line and I would have said, there's a woman back here who's shanning her pants. Do you mind if she goes in front of you? And then when you led her up there, people would look at the back of her pants because they'd watch. Hey. And then be like, okay, yeah, I was in life. Oh, yeah.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah.

[David Sedaris]

I probably would have judged her for wearing sweatpants outside the house.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. There would have been a lot of offensive things for you. Yeah.

[David Sedaris]

The shit in the back of it would just be secondary.

[Dax Shepard]

The entree would be the sweatpants.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, of course.

[Dax Shepard]

Stay tuned for more Armchair expert if you dare.

[David Sedaris]

At 24, I lost my narrative, or.

[Monica Padman]

Rather, it was stolen from me.

[David Sedaris]

And the Monica Lewinsky that my friends and family knew was usurped by false narratives, callous jokes, and politics. I would define reclaiming as to take back what was yours. Something you possess is lost or stolen, and ultimately you triumph in finding it again. So I think listeners can expect me to be chatting with folks, both recognizable and unrecognizable names, about the way that people have navigated. Navigated roads to triumph. My hope is that people will finish an episode of Reclaiming and feel like they filled their tank up, they connected with the people that I'm talking to, and leave with maybe some nuggets that help them feel a little more hopeful.

[Monica Padman]

Follow Reclaiming with Monica Lewinsky on the.

[David Sedaris]

Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts.

[Monica Padman]

You can listen to Reclaiming early and.

[David Sedaris]

Ad free right now by joining Wondery plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Apple podcasts.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay. I was earmarking Instagram because Amy's so funny on it.

[David Sedaris]

Oh, she's great at it.

[Dax Shepard]

She's so great at it. I don't know where she's finding these. She has the most obscure. I implore everyone to follow Amy Sedaris on Instagram. It's probably the best follow on Instagram other than Shaquille O'Neal. Where is she finding this? Do you actually?

[David Sedaris]

She's just at it all the time.

[Dax Shepard]

She's scouring the corners though the Internet.

[David Sedaris]

It's Instagram curated.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, she's like a museum curator. She's not posting pictures of herself or anything.

[David Sedaris]

It's really her point of view. You could not get her to put something on there that she doesn't think is funny.

[Dax Shepard]

I don't know her at all. I've never met her. I feel like I know her better than anyone I know who's posting actual photos of their real life. I'm like, oh, I understand her brain completely by these posts.

[David Sedaris]

When Amy's on a talk show, it's different when it's someone in your family because you're like, it's not really her because it seems more manicured and she's not. One of Amy's best qualities is that she's a really curious person, and I think that's expressed in her Instagram.

[Dax Shepard]

Does it ever encourage you to have an Instagram?

[David Sedaris]

I have one, but I've never seen it.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, so you don't really have one, but the team has one.

[David Sedaris]

Every now and then I'll go to a play and I'll say, oh, would you put this on the Instagram account? Or they'll say, we want you to be more involved. And I'll do it for like a day. But then I forget. I don't know. It's.

[Dax Shepard]

I understand, but I feel like you might be able to curate some stuff as well.

[David Sedaris]

But it really takes a lot of time.

[Monica Padman]

It does.

[David Sedaris]

I've been watching this thing lately on Instagram and it's people getting sentenced for crimes they committed. So somebody will get 900 years in prison and will pass out. So it's just interesting to see. But anyway, one of them watched not long ago. I don't know what he had done, but the judge is off camera and the judge said, you did this to a child, you would do this to other childs.

[Dax Shepard]

I thought childhood, given the position you have on the calves, what is your thought on The Ozempic? Tirzepatide, GLP1.

[David Sedaris]

I'm struggling to lose £5 and you.

[Dax Shepard]

Walk 30,000 steps a day, but I don't care.

[David Sedaris]

I know there are people who struggled for years their entire life, and I think this must be just great for them.

[Dax Shepard]

Yes. I'm so supportive of it. But I was just curious, since you put so much fucking effort into.

[David Sedaris]

Yeah, they're not taking anything from me.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, that's my opinion.

[David Sedaris]

It's made such a massive change in so many people's lives and made them happy. And then people say, well, we don't know what the long. If you know. True. We don't.

[Dax Shepard]

Although diabetics have been on this medicine for, like, 20 years. They do. I don't Think that's a really strong objection.

[David Sedaris]

I really care about baths. I want to take a bath. I don't want to take a shower. I look forward to my bath all day.

[Dax Shepard]

How long do you stay in the tub when you're in there?

[David Sedaris]

45 minutes.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, nice.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, It's a session.

[David Sedaris]

Forward to dinner. And so if I were on a zempic, then I wouldn't. I can't walk away from food. Last night we were at dinner, I noticed some people had some food on their plate. And normally I would have said, actually, pass that over this way.

[Dax Shepard]

You ate most of Whoopi Goldberg's dinner at the Pope invitation.

[David Sedaris]

I'll eat anyone under the table.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, we should really have a meal. Cause that could get violent.

[David Sedaris]

Really? Even people who think, oh, you can't out eat me. Yeah, no, I like to eat until I hate myself.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's when you know you're there. Yeah. When the shame sets in mid meal.

[David Sedaris]

My brother and I are exactly the same. And I don't know if it's because having six kids corral my plate to keep you away from it. And I just would eat, because if you finish first, then maybe you can get second.

[Dax Shepard]

Yep.

[David Sedaris]

It's not like I need counseling, but watching my brother eat, I think that's me.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. Same with me and my brother. Limited resources, and it was a race every time we ate. And I hate sharing. I think of myself as a very generous person. I'll buy you anything. I don't want to share any of my food. I don't enjoy it. I'd rather not do it.

[David Sedaris]

I went at the dinner a couple nights ago with some very generous people. And what I ordered was so good. I didn't offer anyone a taste because I wanted it all for myself. And they would all say, do you want some of this? Do you want some of this? And I would take their food, but I never reciprocated, didn't offer any of my own.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, I've been in that position too. I mean, you're ordering the thing you want to eat, so. Yeah, you don't want to give half of it away.

[David Sedaris]

I don't like it. Sometimes when you go to places with people you don't know that well, and it's a small plate thing that you share, because tapas and I want all.

[Dax Shepard]

Of it when we're ordering. That's where I have to start the whole process. My wife will go, oh, should we get such and such for the table? And I'll go like, Well, I want one for myself, so make sure I have my own appetizer. And I feel crazy, but I can't even enjoy it because I'm racing.

[Monica Padman]

You can soften it by just saying.

[Dax Shepard]

Let'S get two, but I don't mean to. I don't want four people sharing two. I want three people sharing one.

[Monica Padman]

And two is my own really big party.

[David Sedaris]

I want my own and then party yours. Exactly.

[Dax Shepard]

I want my own and then the sharing one we're all giving.

[Monica Padman]

Okay, but you both have money, so you can say, let's start with two, and maybe we'll get another one if everyone's still hungry. No, you guys aren't resonating with this.

[David Sedaris]

You know what I like to do is when dessert dark time comes, I like to order more dinner.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, yeah, you might like this. We were in Austin six months ago, and we went to Lambert's, my favorite steakhouse there. I got a rib eye, and you would know, as a fellow addict, the first bite. I'm angry. I'm like, this is so good. It's gonna disappear. I should have ordered two. It'd be crazy now if I ordered a second one, because Monica will be waiting. I. I was very uncomfortable with how good it tasted and how panicked I was it was gonna run out. So we went back two nights later, and I got two ribeyes. I could relax and breathe, and I enjoyed the shit out of both of them. But it's like, you know when something's so good, my first thought is like, fuck, it's gonna go away.

[David Sedaris]

There's a place in Melbourne called Tipo 00, which is a kind of flower they make pasta out of. Ooh. And it's one of my favorite places. So I was there for two days. And so. So I went both days that I was there. And the second day I ordered two pastas.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah. And did you eat them both all, or were you like, I'll save some, take some home, or.

[David Sedaris]

No, I ate them both all. And I would have eaten dinner there both nights, too, but I was doing a show. And I eat dinner while I sign books, because otherwise I'm not getting out of there. All the restaurants are going to be closed. I hate having my picture taken. I hate how people take your picture like you're a statue. They don't ask you. It's so rude to me. Anyway, so they have signs up, no pictures. And this woman came up and said, after standing in this line watching you eat for 10 minutes, I understand why you don't want any Pictures taken because I eat like a caveman.

[Monica Padman]

Well, yeah, maybe part of it is the big family, but the addict thing is a.

[Dax Shepard]

Can you relate to the panic the second you recognize it's something you really love?

[David Sedaris]

But I haven't been to that place. I'll go there. The Four Seasons there has a smoked ribeye.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[David Sedaris]

Pretty great.

[Dax Shepard]

My fetish is that same hotel.

[David Sedaris]

We were in Tokyo end of January and so we went to a teppanyaki restaurant at the Peninsula Hotel and it was the best steak I've ever had in my life. Really unbelievable.

[Dax Shepard]

I will go just for that. Now that's still the greatest gift in life, is when you have a meal like that.

[David Sedaris]

And I was just sitting there thinking, how many entire cows have I eaten in my life? This is the best.

[Monica Padman]

Wow.

[David Sedaris]

And then I like to sit next to somebody who I know doesn't finish their food.

[Dax Shepard]

Yes, yes, yes. That's very smart, tactical.

[Monica Padman]

But back to the Ozempic thing. I agree with you. I think that takes away your desire for food and that's sad.

[Dax Shepard]

I know I've thought of many people I know who live to eat and I thought, I can understand that. They don't want to lose their passion.

[Monica Padman]

Their excitement for dinner.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[David Sedaris]

But plus he. Hugh is a really, really good cook and he's a very generous cook. He'll say, what would you like for dinner? And if it takes four hours to make it, and I'm not saying he'll do this every night, but a lot of times he'll spend four hours.

[Dax Shepard]

What's your single favorite dish of his?

[David Sedaris]

It's this manicotti my mother used to make. Other people have tried to make it and he just makes it perfectly. It just takes me right back to my mother. And most people, they don't make a meat and manicotti. And I like the store bought shells. He started making his own shells and it's like, no, no. I like those ribbed store bought shells.

[Dax Shepard]

The big boys, they're like a taco shell pasta style.

[David Sedaris]

It would really change our relationship if we didn't have that to do together. We always eat dinner at the table. The only time we're allowed to watch TV is at the Academy Awards. But we eat dinner at the table with candles on the table. It's a lovely thing to have with somebody.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[David Sedaris]

Where would we be if we didn't have that?

[Dax Shepard]

Well, you just need half of a manicotti, I guess. I have many friends on it and they seem to still enjoy it. They Just don't want to overdo it like you and I want to do.

[David Sedaris]

I just can't imagine putting anything away, you know, like when you meet people who take three puffs of a cigarette.

[Dax Shepard]

And put it out four sips of wine, right.

[David Sedaris]

Or just turn back to their scotch and it's all. All the ice is melted.

[Dax Shepard]

Or I'm regularly at a table and people go, should we get that banana piece to have a bite?

[Monica Padman]

That's me.

[Dax Shepard]

I just don't eat dessert. I gotta do some bargaining with myself. So I'm like, I'll go savory. I go as hard as I want on savory, but that's off the table for me. And I just think, look at these psychopaths. They're gonna order a dessert and they're gonna have a bite.

[David Sedaris]

Well, last night at dinner, we split a piece of banana cream pie. I felt good about that because I could have had a whole piece of banana cream pie for myself. But I need to lose 4.8 by 28th March.

[Monica Padman]

Okay, what is going on the 28th?

[David Sedaris]

I started a new tour.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay. And you want to be very specific.

[David Sedaris]

I want to be 145 pounds.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay. Wow.

[David Sedaris]

When I start my tour, that's the only way I do it. I'm just strict with myself and I get out of control and then I kind of rain it, but it's like a five pound range.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

You just talked about your mom and how much you like that it reminds you of her. And I just want to say out loud, I heard you say the sweetest thing in one of these interviews I was watching where you said, my whole mission as a writer has been to make the rest of the world love my mom as much as I did.

[David Sedaris]

Yeah, that's what I feel.

[Dax Shepard]

That's so funny.

[David Sedaris]

My dad would get so mad. What did you have to say that for? But he never understood. My father would say, I loved my mother. She was a wonderful woman. What was so great about her? Oh, I loved her. She was wonderful. How was she wonderful? She was a wonderful woman. And it's like he could say to me, my mother, I was an alcoholic. Or my mother pressed my face against the skillet one time to teach me a lesson. She didn't do any of those things. It wouldn't make me dislike her. It would make her more real to me. Because when you're just saying, she was a wonderful woman, you're not telling me anything. If you can include somebody's weaknesses in something that you Write. I wrote something recently. When we were kids, we'd have dinner together and my father. Father would leave, go downstairs the second he could. And the rest of us would sit around the table with my mother for hours and hours at 10:30 on a school night and we're still with our mother around the table. I think she really liked having a lot of kids and she liked us and we liked her. And she would go to the bathroom and we would follow her to the bathroom and she would throw up every single night. And then she would come out and say, I ate something that didn't agree with me. And it wasn't until you're older that you're like, oh, the dental problems. Mama's bulimic. Maybe now it would be a bit different, but at the time there wasn't a word for it. That didn't make her a bad mother.

[Monica Padman]

No.

[Dax Shepard]

Right.

[David Sedaris]

If my goal is to make people love my mother, I don't think that that impedes my goal any.

[Monica Padman]

No, it just makes her human.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay. You're going on a 40 city tour you do every single year, right?

[David Sedaris]

Every fall and every spring.

[Dax Shepard]

Do you love being on the road?

[David Sedaris]

Yeah, I do.

[Dax Shepard]

You will do a reading and as you already know, lots of armchairs go. And we hear about it all the time, like, oh my God, I saw a Sedaris and Skokie. I saw him in all these places. And you do book signings generally, and they go on until they're over, right?

[David Sedaris]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

How long are they?

[David Sedaris]

The longest one was ten and a half hours. Oh, ten and a half. That was on a book tour.

[Dax Shepard]

Can't you get piles? Is that a thing? Isn't piles the old word for hemorrhoids?

[David Sedaris]

Probably. But people are only going to wait in line for 10 and a half hours once. They're not going to do it a second time.

[Dax Shepard]

Gotcha.

[David Sedaris]

But usually if it's a lecture tour, it's a different thing because people bought it. Ticket. I've got the longest one I did recently. It's like five hours. But usually I get to the theater and I start signing books immediately because I don't need any prep time. And I'm there at the theater because I got to do sound check. So what am I going to do? Sit in the dressing room? So I do it beforehand and then I do it after. And usually you do it an hour before and two hours after.

[Dax Shepard]

I reread Themes and Variations today. Do you recall that story of yours? It's so good. And it's all about signing. I Mean, mostly, there's so much fodder in these signings. You get so many wonderful stuff. But yeah, this woman came up to David and said, like, I put my bra back on for you.

[David Sedaris]

Yeah. She said, I take it off when I come home from work. I don't put it on for anyone. Once it's off, it's off. And it explains so much to me because I found this woman's phone in England and I tracked her down, which is really hard to do. Then I knocked on the door and her husband came to the door and I said, I found a telephone. And he called over Sherry. And then she comes to the door with her arms crossed over her chest as if I stole her phone. And then I realized, oh, she took a bra. Yeah, and her arms are crossed.

[Dax Shepard]

Now he starts asking everyone who comes up to get a book signed, when do you take your bra off?

[Monica Padman]

That's actually a great question for people.

[Dax Shepard]

Yes. Some of the women are like, oh, heavens no. I take it off in the car. They don't wait to get home.

[David Sedaris]

I met a Scottish woman who takes it off on the bus and I.

[Dax Shepard]

Hadn'T even thought of it either. Reading that story again, I was like, it must feel incredible to get that fucking bra off. Like, I can actually feel the sensation of liberating these boobs that have been bound up.

[David Sedaris]

You know, like sometimes you're wearing a pair of shoes, it's too tight or something, and you come home and you take them off and you're like, oh, the last thing you want to do is put them back on.

[Monica Padman]

I am not in a rush to get it off, but I wait till the longest moment before I put it on in the morning. So, like, if it's a weekend and I'm not going out anywhere, I probably won't wash. But when I get home from work, I'm not like, I gotta get this thing off.

[Dax Shepard]

You're not dying to get out of it?

[David Sedaris]

No.

[Dax Shepard]

Now, is there any element of that that you're like, I must protect their buoyancy?

[Monica Padman]

Why I don't put it on?

[Dax Shepard]

Why you don't take it off right away?

[Monica Padman]

No, no, I just forget. Okay, I have great bras, skims, shout outs.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, big, big shout outs.

[David Sedaris]

But is that like when I was in Hawaii, I saw people with long sleeve shirts on and then they had hats on and they had things protecting their necks and they had sunblocks. But part of me thinks, when you're 60, you're going to look 60, whether you live your life in the shadows.

[Monica Padman]

In the shadows, you're going to age regardless.

[David Sedaris]

So is that like that with breasts?

[Dax Shepard]

I've had girlfriends. That's why I asked. I've had girlfriends that are like, I have to keep it on until I go to bed because I don't want them to get saggy. They're thinking of maintaining the buoyancy of their breasts.

[Monica Padman]

I don't think that's going to help.

[David Sedaris]

But by that reason, then a tight brief would keep your ass firmer than boxer shorts.

[Dax Shepard]

But I'll tell you this from anecdotal experience and one experiment, my testicles were getting droopier and droopier and droopier. And one of the most embarrassing moments I had, which I've told on here before, is I was shooting as a guest star on the TV show and the lead actress was not working that week. They gave me her trailer. And this is a very perverted. And I'm sorry for this story, but this was 20 years ago.

[David Sedaris]

I already love it.

[Dax Shepard]

I finished my last day of work and then I was told, oh, they're actually calling her in this actress back to her trailer. And so I started getting kind of horny with the notion that she might walk in while I was naked. And then I happened to walk by a mirror, and it was a very hot day that day of shooting. And I looked and I was like, oh, my God, my testicles are longer than my penis. This is a nightmare. If she walked in and saw how droopy these balls are, your dictionary always be further down than your testicles. And Again, this was 20 years ago. And I was like, where are these balls going to be when I'm fucking 50? Like, I'll have to tuck them in my socks. That's what I was en route to. Then I did a movie. I GUESS it was 10 years ago, nine years ago. And in the scene, I had to wear me undies. They were tight, they were boxer briefs. And I was like, oh, I actually like these. And I switched to those kind of panties. And, David, my testicles are half the length that they were when I was wearing boxers for a decade.

[David Sedaris]

Hey, it's really funny to hear a man say the word panties.

[Dax Shepard]

I'll never call a woman's undergarments panties, but I exclusively will call men's panties panties.

[David Sedaris]

Because a woman said to me I had used the word panties in an essay. She said, only men say panties. I don't think that's true.

[Monica Padman]

I think women say it in a sexual context. But I agree that you're not like I'm going shopping for panties today.

[Dax Shepard]

What would you say? Unmentionables?

[Monica Padman]

No union.

[David Sedaris]

Personally, that if you're testicles, they look like taffy.

[Dax Shepard]

I going to add that. Yeah, like saltwater taffy.

[David Sedaris]

If you put an ice cube, then the coldness. So maybe the heat had something to do with it.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, it had an enormous amount to do with it. But I'm telling you, even ice cubes would not have rectified this situation. And I put my clothes on so fast and got out of that trailer. You can't imagine.

[David Sedaris]

Have you ever seen kangaroos balls in Australia? They're just really disturbing. Disturbing.

[Dax Shepard]

So long, taffy.

[Monica Padman]

Like, oh God, we're gonna have to do some googling.

[Dax Shepard]

I could have put mine in a ponytail.

[Monica Padman]

Oh my God.

[David Sedaris]

I absolutely love that you say that. When my second book came out, my first book, it was just stuff I'd written. And the second book, they said, what's your book gonna be about? And I said, I'll go to a nudist colony. Cause I'd never read anything about it. And I didn't even like walking around my house barefoot. I'm the last person to go to nudist colony. And I kept putting it all. And then my editor found a place and it turned out to be a senior citizens nudist trailer park in upstate New York. So I went and I lived in a trailer. So I would get to my trailer and I would put my clothes on and then someone knocked on the door. And I'm like, just a minute. Racing to take my clothes off. Because if you answered the girl with your clothes on, they'd be like, what's going on here? It was opposite land. I was invited to somebody's house for dinner naked. And I went naked. And you bring a towel and then you.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, you did that for how long?

[David Sedaris]

10 days.

[Dax Shepard]

Wow. That's the problem. I have seen enough documentaries about nudist colonies. It's just not what you want it to be. No, it doesn't attract the people you want to see.

[David Sedaris]

And this is senior citizens. So they were playing fatonk a lot, which is a game where you take a metal ball and you toss it and then the game's over and you go and you bend over and collect. So you were seeing people's assholes. They had a snack bar and the waitress would have a tampon string hanging out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, people would come out of the bathroom and they'd have a big ring around their bottom. So you would know. Exactly. Because sometimes people go in the bathroom and you think, oh, maybe they needed to wash their hands or something.

[Dax Shepard]

Clean out their seersucker suit.

[Monica Padman]

Wow, what a thing to do.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, it's not sexy. You want it to be sexy, and it's not sexy. If there's dick and balls around. I'm gonna stare at them. I can't imagine myself getting immune to it.

[David Sedaris]

You know, I think being gay and being in a locker room or something, you're always kind of living in fear that someone's going to say, what are you staring? You know?

[Dax Shepard]

Yes, yes.

[David Sedaris]

You're just extra super conscious.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, that's my straight privilege. I can totally stare at dicks and balls and no one thinks anything. It's not dangerous for me.

[David Sedaris]

But I always thought people are just so wasting their time when they're thinking about, like, trans women in the bathroom. Hey, there's nothing to look at in the bathroom. And a trans woman is like, that's gay. People you don't want in the locker room. You know, I mean, but not that they're going to attack you, but they're going to appreciate, you know, they're going to be looking at you in a way.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, my bigger issue is it's always the same thing. No one's worried about a trans man going into the bathroom. They're worried about a trans woman going into the girl's bathroom.

[David Sedaris]

Right.

[Dax Shepard]

So they believe that this person is a predator who will abuse children. And they're like, they can't be in the girls bathroom. They must be in the boys bathroom. There's no concern that the boys are going to get molested by this predator. It's just like, they're with girls. They can't be with girls. They must be with the young little boys. Nothing got safer. You've prioritized little girls getting molested over little boys. Does that make sense?

[David Sedaris]

Yeah, but I haven't read about a single person with a tack.

[Dax Shepard]

No, no, no.

[Monica Padman]

It's never happened.

[Dax Shepard]

It's craziness. And how you're monitoring this? Let's say it passed no trans women in the bathroom. Is someone at the door checking dicks and genitals? Is that what we're all signing up for? No trans men in the bathroom? I have to show my dick and balls to go into the. I mean, try to work out how it's going to be enforced. And I'm not clear.

[David Sedaris]

You know, when people were ragging on Ellen DeGeneres, and I don't know her, I've never met her, but I think she did so much more for gay rights than most activists because people watched her, and people grew to love her. And then she said, I'm a lesbian. And they were like, okay, shit, I already love you.

[Dax Shepard]

Too late.

[David Sedaris]

Yeah. And I just think trans people need that because I can't think of a single one that I've met. I was like, oh, get that tiresome asshole away from me. I just can't think of. And that doesn't mean that they're all lovely, But I was in Australia, and I went into a drugstore, and there was a trans woman working in the drugstore, and she had real personality, and she's like, oh, do you want to take that packaging off that before you leave? It hurt me to think that anyone might not wish her the best.

[Dax Shepard]

Totally agree.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, but I agree with you. That's how all things become palatable. You meet people who you like who are of different religions, races, all of these things, and then you're like, oh, that's fine.

[Dax Shepard]

Now, most hardcore racists, they've never even been in class with a black kid. They don't know any black folks. They hate him, but they've never, ever even met him. It's generally the case.

[David Sedaris]

Did you watch Sing Sing?

[Dax Shepard]

Yes.

[Monica Padman]

We had Coleman Domingo on for that.

[David Sedaris]

Because when I said earlier that when dawn, you know, prisoners would come get out of prison, stay at our house, When I saw that movie, I thought, I should take prisoners in my house. Because when he got out of prison at the end, I was so glad to see that his friend was there waiting for him. But I thought, oh, I want him to come and live in my house and then find a job, and I'll be that step between. And again, it's not like he was really in prison. It's just that movie made me.

[Dax Shepard]

You want Colman Domingo to come live in your houses? Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, I can't.

[David Sedaris]

He was on the show.

[Dax Shepard]

Yes. I love him.

[Monica Padman]

He's pretty special.

[Dax Shepard]

Do you know him?

[David Sedaris]

No.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, he is as special as they get.

[David Sedaris]

Is he pretty tall?

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, he's tall.

[Dax Shepard]

He's got gorgeous legs. He was wearing short shorts as, you know.

[Monica Padman]

Amazing fashion.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, he's crazy into fashion. Okay. But I want to really, really beg people to go see you in person, reading your stuff. It's so, so fun. I've done it. And you're going to 40 cities, and I think people would be shocked how close you'll probably be to where they live. It's not like you're just in major cities. You're in Akron. You're in Fort Wayne, you're in Burlington, Albany, you're all over the place. People should go to davidsedarisbooks.com and get tickets. It's such a fun evening. And if you want to hear him ask you a weird question, very high likelihood that'll happen. If you stay in line, you'll talk to everybody and you'll write something very inappropriate in their book. You'll ask them a very inappropriate question. It promises to be a real experience.

[David Sedaris]

That's nice of you to say.

[Dax Shepard]

And also for anyone who's not listened to the audiobook of Happy Go Lucky, I really recommend it because themes and variations. That recording of that story is from a live show. And the amount of laughs in that, you don't pound for pound here. Comedians really getting that long of laughs. It's such a funny piece and to be an audience listening to it, I think is so great.

[David Sedaris]

Well, I want to do my whole next book completely live.

[Dax Shepard]

Ooh, that's a good idea.

[David Sedaris]

Well, because sometimes if you record it in the studio, then it can be edited in such a way that it fucks your timing up. But if you're doing it live, you can't.

[Monica Padman]

I like that.

[Dax Shepard]

That. And you're getting real time feedback of what part we want to sit in for a second. Is it possible for you to really not know what part we'd like to sit in for a second? But the audience forces you to sit in some things.

[David Sedaris]

I tried reading something about going to Fiji. I wrote it when Hugh and I were in Hawaii, but I was on tour, but I had a five day break in the tour. So I read something out loud and then I go back to the room and rewrite it and read it out loud. Because you read it out loud and you think, oh, I thought people could relate. People can't relate to this, so how do I make this more relatable? And people are just confused by that. So let's get rid of that. Ultimately you could have an editor telling you that, but I'd rather you be the editor.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, you're working in like a standup routine in some way. And I think that's kind of cool and novel.

[David Sedaris]

So I have new stuff. A lot of times people are, oh, you're going to be reading from your books. No, I never do that.

[Dax Shepard]

Right, right, right, right. So anyways, Everybody go to DavidSedarisBooks.com and please go see David live before you perish because it's totally worth the trip. And then, yes, listen, Happy Go Lucky, because I had so much fun re listening. I adore you.

[David Sedaris]

Oh, thank you.

[Dax Shepard]

I think you're our leading guest.

[Monica Padman]

You, I think, have the crown for.

[Dax Shepard]

Here are Alex Baldwin.

[Monica Padman]

Keep it up. Keep coming back, please. Every armchair. If you ask anyone, like, who are your favorite guests?

[Dax Shepard]

We pull them.

[David Sedaris]

Always come up. We meet so many people who listen to your podcast in Australia. I even met a lot of people who listen.

[Dax Shepard]

We want to go there and do a live show.

[David Sedaris]

Yeah, that's what I say. Go see him live. That's what I say.

[Dax Shepard]

That's exactly what I told him to do. All right. Love you.

[David Sedaris]

Love you.

[Dax Shepard]

See you around soon.

[David Sedaris]

Thank you.

[Dax Shepard]

Stay tuned for the fact check.

[Monica Padman]

It's where the party's at.

[Dax Shepard]

You're stressed out.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, but I. I'm trying not to be stressed out because Buddhism. Yeah, I'm trying. I was yesterday.

[Dax Shepard]

Did you get impacted by the.

[Monica Padman]

Extremely impacted by White Lotus Ali? We won't talk about it.

[Dax Shepard]

We're not going to talk about it.

[Monica Padman]

Because you haven't finished. But I do want to talk about it. Overall, there are so many, many parts of the whole season. The whole season is about. I mean, the whole series is really about Buddhism, I think. But this season specifically is. Is like, you know, kind of hitting you over the head with it a little bit.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. In the most realistic way.

[Monica Padman]

Yes. He. Oh, my God. I just. I just think Mike White is so brilliant in his accuracy. Like, everything. Every storyline is so accurate, so funny. He dabbles in Buddhism. So it comes through in all the seasons, I think. Because I think what they're all saying in different ways. Obviously, the first season is a clap. Is speaking to class, you know, and second season is speaking to relationships. And then this one is religion. That it's. He just shows over and over again how flimsy our grasp on reality is. Like what we think is true to us and what our identities are and who we are and even. Even our beliefs are so flimsy. Everything is so.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, we've built up a lot of artifice around what is, at the end of the day, another animal on planet Earth. But we've created all these things and manufactured things and then, yeah, we have institutions of thought and they all feel really substantial and permanent and real.

[Monica Padman]

Nothing's real.

[Dax Shepard]

But it's just all stuff we made and it's ideas we thought up and told other people. And they caught on. We're just here. I was thinking in the simple, simplest terms, they were going to breakfast. They're always going to breakfast on the show. And it seems so fun. I get like, so excited at the notion of being at a hotel and going and getting breakfast. When I see the scenes and I go, oh, yes, breakfast is so fun. And then I go, yeah, because it's eating.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

It's the essential thing. We, we really do have a purpose, which is we have to eat food. That's like one of our purposes. Like, the most consistent source of joy in your life is eating. Like, you're almost guaranteed three times a day to have this, like, fun. Pick me up.

[Monica Padman]

Not anymore. For a lot of people.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, true. That's a good bring up. Oh, I know. Peptide, does that make any sense? I was like, it's. Oh, yeah. It's not a mystery why breakfast, lunch and dinner is so fun. Because we have to eat to stay alive. That's our purpose.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, but we, we. But then we put so much on top of it. The expense, like, I'm going to a fancy restaurant tonight. That proves that I, I'm doing valuable in society and that people want to. I'm superior. Like, we put. We make all these hierarchies and it's all made up. Like, everything is made up. Because yesterday I was walking to go somewhere to work and I sat down with my computer and I thought, how do Buddhists work? I don't want to do. What is the point of this? What is the point of sitting here and picking apart this conversation and making it sound good? And all of this is for money. And like, why?

[Dax Shepard]

Well, hold on. No, why? There's a very Buddhist approach to work. Yeah, you should definitely. No. Well, if you make it about money, then yes. Being diligent and meticulous and thoughtful and mindful about process is very Buddhist.

[Monica Padman]

It is.

[Dax Shepard]

I know, and.

[Monica Padman]

I know. But for me, there's stress on it. Right. Like I, I'm doing it so that it's so good so that we are able to have all these downloads and then we're able to earn our money and it's all like. And I'm able to. To feel comfortable in that big house and I like. It's all.

[Dax Shepard]

You're having a real reckoning.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah. It's all done. And it is so, so ironic and so stupid. But I. The weekend started. I mean, again, this is like a bottle. This isn't a bottle episode, but it kind of.

[Dax Shepard]

You love your bottle episodes. Yeah. Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

You want to keep them going on Friday? I mean, on Saturday I went shopping with Cali and as we love to do.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. And you went to a new store.

[Monica Padman]

I went to a new store that I Was really excited to go to. That's a fancy store that, you know, you walk in and you do. It's very pretty woman. You come in and you have to prove yourself there a little bit. And Callie even said.

[Dax Shepard]

She was like, opposite of Costco. I'm just finishing the acquired Costco episode.

[Monica Padman]

Completely opposite of Costco. Costco's a fantastic company. Like, when we walked up, they said, do you have an appointment? And we said, no. And then they said, okay, it's fine. How many? And we said, two. And they said, so we could go in. While we were there, there was a watch.

[Dax Shepard]

Beautiful watch.

[Monica Padman]

There was a gorgeous watch, too, actually. And the first one I tried on was gold Cartier. Beautiful. It has, like, this tiny face. I love. I love a tiny face.

[Dax Shepard]

You love a tiny face? Yeah, I like a bigger face.

[Monica Padman]

I love a tiny. It's so tiny, you wouldn't believe it.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay.

[Monica Padman]

And it's vintage.

[Dax Shepard]

Do you need a magnifying glass to see what time it is?

[David Sedaris]

Almost.

[Dax Shepard]

What if it came with its own matching magnifying glass you kept in your pocket? But it was tiny, too.

[Monica Padman]

And it was. It's so tiny. And, you know, I put it on and it was beautiful. And then he said the price. I was like, you had to tell.

[Dax Shepard]

Your face not to react.

[Monica Padman]

Yes. And I was kind of like, get it off. Like, I can't get it away from. It shouldn't be on me. Like, get it off.

[Dax Shepard]

How much was it?

[Monica Padman]

50,000.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, cowabunga. Yeah. Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

So he took it off, and then. But there was this other one I had seen, and Cal was like, maybe you should try on that other one. He put it on my wrist. White gold Cartier, tiny face, also vintage. Be. I mean, it is so pretty. It looks great on my wrist. Yeah. It's extremely unique. Uhhuh. Asked the price, he told me it was significantly cheaper than the first one.

[Dax Shepard]

Right.

[Monica Padman]

So then it felt like a bargain. Felt cheap. I said, I'm going to think about it.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. Okay.

[Monica Padman]

Took it off. Callie made me promise her I wouldn't buy it that day.

[Dax Shepard]

Good girl, Cali. Good girl.

[Monica Padman]

She said that? That's something to think about.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. That's a think about purchase. Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

And I. I said, sure. Yes, that's right. And I.

[Dax Shepard]

She's like, just wait till you watch White Lotus on Sunday.

[Monica Padman]

Well, that's where this is going.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay.

[Monica Padman]

So I. I was ruminating on this watch for 48 hours, basically.

[Dax Shepard]

We spoke about it, even.

[Monica Padman]

Yes. And I, you know, I was like, I really, you know, I Was looking on the Internet to see if I could find anything. Like it.

[Dax Shepard]

Couldn't find something.

[Monica Padman]

No.

[Dax Shepard]

Cause my first thing would simply be anything vintage at a really nice store. They're marking it up 100%, so why not find it in the wild if you really want it?

[Monica Padman]

Well, I've. I've been scouring and you couldn't do it. It's nowhere to be found.

[Dax Shepard]

They found the only one.

[Monica Padman]

And. And so, you know, then I was like, God, should I do it? And then I've been asking people, and of course, some people are like, absolutely not. No.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

And then some people are like, well, I mean, like, it is an investment. It's a. You know, people do that. So anyway, I know I've been doing this whole thing.

[Dax Shepard]

A lot of math in your head.

[Monica Padman]

A lot of math. A lot of thought about this watch. And. And then I'm. Why I am watching the episode.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

And there's a scene.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

There's a scene with the mother and the daughter. Have you got there?

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

Okay. We're basically the daughter who's been. She's there to become Buddhist. She wants to go to this monastery. She wants to live there for a year.

[Dax Shepard]

Yes.

[Monica Padman]

And the mom says, you need to stay there for one night.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

And like, if you're fine with that, then.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, we sign off.

[Monica Padman]

Which seemed like an easy thing to do, Right?

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

And she goes. And she comes back and essentially, if you haven't watched this yet, maybe turn it off. But like, oh, fast forward is what.

[David Sedaris]

You want to do.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, yeah. She's crying.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

Because she just can't. Can't do it.

[Dax Shepard]

Yep.

[Monica Padman]

She's crying because she's spoiled and she says she's only so spoiled. Yeah. And. But even the fact that she's. She's. She's a victim in that is also funny to me. Like.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, I took it as she was really disappointed in herself.

[Monica Padman]

She was. But it is like, I don't know, she's getting comforted because she's so spoiled. She can't live in a mock honesty, you know, I don't know. Anyway, she basically says, like, I can't do it. And the mom is like, I know you can, like. And she basically gives sort of a disgusting but in some ways scarily viable reason for. For why they should be spending their money and living rich.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[David Sedaris]

Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

And I. I was. Was just like, oh, my God, how we twist. Yeah. Oh, and then there's for me, the most poignant scene in the.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, there's a few fast Forward. But he basically asks these. His family members if they can live without money. Is that what you're gonna say? No, that's the one that really hit me. So that one hit you? The one that hit me was like, you know. Yeah. The dad's finding out if these kids can live without. Without money. His wife's already told him she can't.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

You know, I'm sitting there going, like, yeah. If someone asks me that question, it feels like a way bigger proposition than I want it to feel like.

[David Sedaris]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

I mean, it feels embarrassingly embarrassing. Like, I'm. I've become dependent on this thing. This thing gives me comfort.

[Monica Padman]

Y.

[Dax Shepard]

Like, I think a less generous version is, like, people want to feel superior. I don't know if it's that dark for most people. Most people just want to know, like, I did good. I did good. There was like, you could do good or you could do bad. You could try hard or you could not try. You could study. You could like, okay, yeah, I did good. I did all the things I was supposed to, and I did good.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

That's much less than, like, oh, I'm way better than Mike, who can't own a pontoon boat.

[Monica Padman]

But it's subconscious. Like, it's not murky. It is an idea. Did good. But with the I did good comes subconsciously, some. On this hierarchy of humanity.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

I have achieved a position that's fairly high up.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, what.

[Monica Padman]

I totally agree with you, and that's wild and dumb.

[Dax Shepard]

What's dangerous is what you're really afraid to lose is actually not the trip or the first class. It's the pride that you did good. The notion that without those symbols of. That you could no longer say I did good. Which is a terrible way to evaluate your life because it's also a good friend and a good parent.

[Monica Padman]

Also, what if your job is. You go work at the nursing home. You did fucking good.

[Dax Shepard]

That is actual good.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But they don't have money and Cartier watches to show for that.

[Dax Shepard]

Right.

[Monica Padman]

They're all presentations. I mean, it's so depressing like it is. So Mike White says, you know, identity. What Buddhists believe identity is suffering. You know, that is what causes it. You're tied to your identity.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

And yes. And it can cause pride and even.

[Dax Shepard]

The belief that you have an identity.

[Monica Padman]

Yes.

[Dax Shepard]

Because Buddhists are like, it's contextual. You're a different version in every single environment you enter.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

In this obsession with. No, it's one. I have one thing in all environments and in all contexts.

[Monica Padman]

Yes.

[Dax Shepard]

Creates all this suffering.

[Monica Padman]

Right, Exactly. That's the whole point is nothing's fundamental. Nothing's fundamental. It's all based on where you are, who you are in that moment, what you believe in that moment, but could change at any second. But there is, I do think, one thing that is ex, that is fundamental, which is love. Like that is part of this show, this series, but also this season two where like one of the characters has the most bizarre arc of the whole, I think of anyone. Saxon. That character where he's like repugnant and very much tied to money and being a successful businessman.

[Dax Shepard]

Like his father.

[Monica Padman]

Exactly. You know, masculinity, being alpha in the worst version. And then by the end he like two of the character, he sees love for real. He witnesses it.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

And he is about to. He's like crying.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, yeah.

[Monica Padman]

Because he want, he wants that. That's really what is all there is to have.

[Dax Shepard]

That's right. Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

So I'm not getting my watch, but.

[Dax Shepard]

I think the distinction between who is made miserable and who is it not is. Is their identity just that achievement or not. I think it's tempting to just evaluate like expensive stuff is bad or expensive life is bad. And I don't, I'm not willing to go there. I think having your identity completely anchored to that is very bad. Now, I love Buddhism and I've been reading it and I really like it and it brings me a lot of perspective.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

But I'm also going to say the world can't be Buddhists. They could be.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

We would not have vaccines, we would not have medicine. We would not have all the many things that we also really like and think are beneficial for mankind. That's not their pursuit. Their pursuit is acceptance and harmony. So, you know, I can't go fall. I, I don't think I'm. I'm willing to go full in on the whole world should be Buddhists and no craving and no striving and all that stuff. Because I also don't, I don't. I think we're in a much, much different world. But maybe you could argue, maybe everyone would be happier, but they'd be dying much sooner and there'd be no solutions for a lot of things we want solutions for.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah. They don't think like they're not going.

[Dax Shepard]

To, they're not going to band together to come up with the huge hydroelectric power plant or the sanitation system or. That's not what they're going to do. They're going to live.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

Very Simply in harmony.

[Monica Padman]

I mean, they're not going to try to anti age. No, they're going to. They're going to. They're accepting that this is one for them. One droplet out of the ocean and we come back to it. I. I do think it's a very beautiful idea that we come back and we find this. We find our people again.

[Dax Shepard]

I like that a lot.

[Monica Padman]

In different.

[Dax Shepard]

Very comforting. Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

I think I believe it. Like there are people in my life that I feel. I. I've.

[Dax Shepard]

I've known you've done this dance before.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah. In a different. Who knows? Like, who knows in what way?

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, yeah. Here's a scene I thought you were responding to is the teacher is saying often we wake up with anxiety.

[Monica Padman]

What, what, what does he say? I don't remember.

[Dax Shepard]

He's like, we wake up with anxiety and we're uncertain about what'll happen in the day and we have fear. And so what we do is we reach for our identity or our ego. I don't remember the exact words, but we reach for that thing to comfort us.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

And I like anytime. AA is great at doing this. Anytime that someone ignites acknowledge is what's the real feelings are like, yes, I wake up with anxiety all the time. That's my roughest part of the day is right when I wake up because it's like, yes, what could go wrong today? What has to be done that I'm afraid I can't accomplish all this stuff. And so it's almost cbt to just go, oh yeah. They've been already acknowledging this for a long time. And they're basically just saying, observe it as well. Well, there's a little distance from it. There's an acknowledgment. It's very human.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

It's standard. That's what's very comforting to me about Buddhism. It's like, yes, these feelings are very normal to humans. And here's what you will normally do to try to push the fear away. And here's another thing you could do. And I like that part. The kind of global judgment of things. It gets too dogmatic into like every other religion. For me at that point, if there's like this big judgment about other things.

[Monica Padman]

I don't think it's not a judgment. It's. It's an acknowledgment that the way modern humans mostly, not all.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

Walk through the world is doing us a disservice. Like is cause we are causing ourselves so much suffering in pursuit of pleasure. Of pleasure. Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, yeah. On the worst side. And then just safety, which is defendable. But for all of it, there's always these, you know, there's just too many great exceptions for all of it. So it's like, I immediately think of Bill Gates, like, here's a guy who, per a Buddhist assessment, has generated way too much of everything. Money, create all these products, but that's clearly not his identity because he's giving everything he's made away and he's impacting the world immeasurably. Tens of thousands of lives saved. And so the whole endeavor is outside of that belief system and I think really valid and admirable.

[Monica Padman]

Right. But I guess they would say that's his identity. He doesn't have one. He's a person that did those things. Things.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. Well, I think his identity is kind of like Rockefeller's, which is like, I was put here. I was given this crazy gift. It allowed me to generate all this thing and pull this money so that I can go fix things. Like, that's their identity. And it's a cool one. I support it.

[Monica Padman]

Right. Yeah. I mean, I hear what you're saying. I. But I guess the goal, I, I think, think is that you aren't doing any of that. You aren't doing that. You're not like, saying, my identity is that I help people. Even that like, that. You, you don't put the labels on yourself because they're. They're, as they would say, a prison. Your identity is a prison.

[David Sedaris]

It's a cage.

[Monica Padman]

Whether it's a. Be a good cage, whether it's an admirable cage or not, it's still considered restriction.

[Dax Shepard]

Yep. That's true.

[Monica Padman]

Anyway, anyhow.

[Dax Shepard]

Wow.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah. It's a lot to sit with.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

I'm not getting my watch. I am wearing another watch I have right now.

[Dax Shepard]

I bet a lot of people listening would go like, I can't relate to this at all. But I would say, ask yourself if you could move to a place that's half the size that you currently live in. That's all that's happening. It's like, it's the proposition of having less than. Than you have.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

And I think that's a universal fear.

[Monica Padman]

It's not about. I mean, yeah, we, we brought in material items and, and, and things, but it's just about the ins. The treadmill. The treadmill every person is on.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Monica Padman]

To get to the next rung.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

No satis. Real satisfaction that we're all doing that wherever you are on this ladder. And that's the whole thing that is causing pain.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

So I.

[Dax Shepard]

You're Buddhist.

[Monica Padman]

I'm quitting.

[Dax Shepard]

Quitting everything.

[Monica Padman]

I'm selling the house. And I'm not buying that watch. I'll tell you.

[Dax Shepard]

I do think it has the little bit of appeal that a geographic has and people didn't listen to that episode 10 years ago. But a geographic is a common solution for addicts. It's also a common solution for people with mental health. Health disorders. I'm going to go somewhere else and I won't have my problems there.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

And I do think there's a little bit of a fantasy. What I. I think if you sold everything and you quit your job and you got into this one bedroom, tiny bachelor thing, I don't believe your happiness or fulfillment or purpose is going up. I don't. I think you're going to get in that little box and go, huh, wow. Okay. I did all that because that was going to result in something.

[Monica Padman]

Well, no. If you are truly committed to Buddhism.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

There isn't a goal. You are there. You. You are present. That's the goal. Like, it's not. It's not to even. Enlightenment isn't.

[Dax Shepard]

I'm just saying, I think if you did all that and you pursued all that, you would get to a point where, like, I could have done all this and not changed anything.

[Monica Padman]

Well, I'm gonna try. I don't know. I. It's just. It's just a lot. Like, it's hard to look around. It's hard to have this sense of, like, that's correct. Like, I think that's correct that our identities are prisons.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

Yet I have constructed a hard identity for myself and I know that.

[Dax Shepard]

Yes.

[Monica Padman]

And so to carry both, like, to know I'm doing a thing. Thing that I'm participating. I'm participating in a thing that I actually know is not the ideal way. That's like a hard thing for me currently, today to reconcile.

[Dax Shepard]

I think fully committing to a singular view. I just, I like nuance in moderation. It's like, no, there's some good tenants and there's lots of great points to that bring to your attention that you should observe and. And track and you can improve on. But, like, is full Buddhist the correct thing or not Buddhist at all? The capitalist thing? Correct. I guess I'm just like, no. Again, they're just two stories. They have valid points. And you try to make the version that leaves you with the most peace and contentment.

[Monica Padman]

I think most people could never achieve. Achieve full enlightenment.

[Dax Shepard]

Monkhood.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah. Or be, like, truly booted Buddhist. I don't. So, yeah. Every. Everyone who believes. Not everyone, but most people who believe any of this is. You are combining it with the reality of. Especially in this country, with our world, you know, with our reality.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah. It's interesting.

[Dax Shepard]

Stay tuned for more Armchair Expert, if you dare.

[Monica Padman]

Anyway, anywho. Okay. This is for David Sedaris.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, boy. Oh, boy. The fun thing about Sedaris, aside from that he's just so perfect every time.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

Is it always reinvigorates me to go back and relisten to all this stuff. And I've just. Since we've interviewed him, I've just been on a tear of listening to all of his stuff.

[Monica Padman]

So fun.

[Dax Shepard]

Listen to this incredible one in Happy Go Lucky. And the actual. In the specific story is Lady Marmalade.

[Monica Padman]

Okay, great.

[Dax Shepard]

It's wild, the stuff he is able to cover.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, he's incredible. He's just incredible.

[Dax Shepard]

It's kind of Mike Whitey, actually. He's just so brutally honest with it. The Marmalade stories about, like, over the years, the many weird things his dad did that were very perverse but didn't seem to cross the ultimate line for him, as also, it was the 70s or whatever.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

But like, he examined. He wanted to examine David's at one point because he. His stomach hurt.

[Monica Padman]

Okay.

[Dax Shepard]

And he's like, you probably have hemorrhoids. And he was like, didn't know what that was. And his dad made him bend over the counter and he looked at his ass. Now, as he said he didn't, like, put his finger in his butt or anything, but he definitely, like, examined it, he said, as if he were looking at a gem.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, my God.

[Dax Shepard]

And he did that three times throughout his childhood. He also wanted. He was very into photography and had these art photo magazines. And he asked David's sister when she was 17 if he could take pictures of her topless in the woods. Yeah, it's, like, very bad.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, very.

[Dax Shepard]

Just a series of things. And then later his sister, who ultimately d by suicide or of suicide, accused the dad of sexual abuse.

[Monica Padman]

Really.

[Dax Shepard]

And then them trying his siblings to evaluate whether they believe her or not. Which is, like, so real. Yeah, it's just so real. It wouldn't be this way on TV and it wouldn't be this way in the media. But this is really what hap. This is what really happens.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

It's such a delicately assembled story.

[Monica Padman]

Okay, now, was there a time where you couldn't order a drink on an Airplane. Because it's Sunday. No, I mean, maybe at some point you couldn't drink at all, obviously on planes. But state laws regarding alcohol sales, such as blue laws, do not apply to alcoholic beverages sold on airplanes, even if the state has such laws. Airlines are subject to federal regulations regarding the sale of alcohol, which generally supersedes state laws.

[Dax Shepard]

If you really step back, it's interesting that they allowed drinking on an airplane.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, I know.

[Dax Shepard]

You got a hundred strangers sitting in a very tight area and you're allowing them to get drunk, which we know makes humans unpredictable.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

You could see where it would have never been allowed.

[Monica Padman]

I agree.

[Dax Shepard]

I mean, I'm all for it. People are nervous. Makes the time go by. You don't have a problem like me. It's lovely, but it is. It is a curious policy.

[Monica Padman]

It is.

[Dax Shepard]

Like they should allow weed, I guess too, but like, I don't know. Mushrooms. Probably not.

[Monica Padman]

Well, weed is different. Unless they're eating it. Like you wouldn't want the smoke.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, you wouldn't want the smoke. Yeah, you're eating it.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, Yeah, I guess.

[Dax Shepard]

It's fine, I guess. But there's obviously certain drugs. PCP don't knows.

[Monica Padman]

Well, a legal drug I'll probably not allow. Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

Shooting dope. No, you can't have OD's up in the air.

[Monica Padman]

I don't think so. The priests dress a cassock. Catholic cassock or Cassock. It has 33 buttons representing the years of Jesus life. Anglican Cassocks may have 39 buttons symbolizing the 39 articles of religion.

[Dax Shepard]

Right, but I don't know. I didn't know there were 39 articles of religion.

[Monica Padman]

I didn't either know that. Okay, I have a surprise. Surprise.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, I like surprises.

[Monica Padman]

I know. I brought everyone one of the books. The. The book, the children's book. The story of the little mole who went in search of who done it. This is the story about the poop on the head. Oh, I got one for you too, Rob.

[Dax Shepard]

And he said it's Ger. Well, Verner. Yeah. Holsworth. Yeah. These are very German names. Wolf.

[Monica Padman]

And on the back it says when little mole looks out of his hole one morning, plop. Something lands on his head. Who done it.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, and guys, just for the. For the viewer, here's a hold up of it and the listener. It's not like a little bit of bird poop. It's a big turd. It's like a soft serve. It's covering his entire head and there's flies on it. Well, I cannot read this to the children's.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

This is going to be right up their alley. They're disgusting like me.

[Monica Padman]

Well, you made them disgusting. I think I did anyway, so this is an exciting.

[Dax Shepard]

Thank you.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, wow, look at this page.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, fun. It's a yak dumping big plops of poo poo. You would know. You know, whenever you see that horse droppings which I see on the hiking trail sometimes. Make no mistake about it, it's horse dump. I know because there's like clumps of hay still in it. Oh, yeah. I'm so glad we don't eat hay. That's a Buddhist thing. They could probably figure out how to eat hay, but I can't. I want to eat. I to eat ribeye.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, yeah. I want a burger. I think I'm gonna have a burger tonight.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, Burgie.

[Monica Padman]

And it's like so indulgent to eat burgers.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, no. I'm not sure how this is gonna work out.

[Monica Padman]

I know. I'm going to New York on Friday.

[Dax Shepard]

Be a Buddhist when you get home.

[Monica Padman]

Really indulge there.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, no, be a Buddhist when you get home. There's plenty of time.

[Monica Padman]

I'll give myself another week to be.

[Dax Shepard]

Be fully actualized.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, okay. Oh, I had to bring this up because he talks about diversity in kids books. And so I have completed the studio since we last spoke or since we interviewed Seth.

[Dax Shepard]

And do you love it as much as I did?

[Monica Padman]

I loved it so much. I. So I, you know, my privilege. The Buddhist wouldn't like this, but my privilege that I had access. We had access to all we had to the screeners, but I couldn't get into the screeners beforehand. So I was like, whatever, I'll just watch it when it comes out. And so the first two episodes came out and I watched it and immediately I was like, I gotta figure out. We gotta figure this out asap.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I am.

[Monica Padman]

I have to watch all of it. I watched it all one day.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, great.

[Monica Padman]

Was obsessed with it. It's so good. Yeah, it is so good. It is so stressful.

[Dax Shepard]

It's so stressful. I almost want to watch it again without the stress.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, it's so. But Buddhism. Oh no, Buddhism's my new the Pit.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, you switched right from but.

[Monica Padman]

But.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, this is what interests you. I was talking to Tom Hansen. Well, I had lunch with, I had dinner with him yesterday before my meeting.

[Monica Padman]

Uh huh.

[Dax Shepard]

And he was just coming from seeing John Wells.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, fun.

[Dax Shepard]

And I said, he said, are you watching? I said, no, but Monica's Watching it for me. And she brings it up on every single episode. And he's like, it is so good. He went on. He is right with you. Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

The cool kids know.

[Dax Shepard]

And he's like, no. Wylie's such a man now.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, I know.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, wow. He and I kind of went through the same transformation. Right. Wasn't he a. Wasn't he a medium sized bull?

[Monica Padman]

He was. He was. Well, he's in the show. He's wearing a hoodie so you can't see his body really.

[Dax Shepard]

But he's kind of. He's really masculine.

[Monica Padman]

He has. He's really become white masculine. His neck is thicker.

[Dax Shepard]

You want his bod, right?

[Monica Padman]

You mean I want it on me. Yeah. Yes, I do. I am. I am so attracted to him. Yeah, that's him. That's him on Friends.

[Dax Shepard]

No, that's er, right?

[Monica Padman]

No.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, they guest starred on Friends as doctors. That's cute. Yeah. So that looks like me and punked.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, he. He's still. He's so cute.

[Dax Shepard]

And let's see him now.

[Monica Padman]

Oh.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, wow.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, my God, Is he hot.

[David Sedaris]

Wow.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, so I'm just. I haven't watched.

[Monica Padman]

When you see him intubate.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, he can intubate like a motherfucker.

[Monica Padman]

I bet he knows how to intubate.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, in real life.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, probably. He's done this so many times.

[Dax Shepard]

But you would think I would know how to mix a song, some music from how many times I hit buttons on Parenthood and I don't know anything.

[Monica Padman]

I think it's different with this kind of thing.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay. Because he's a better actor if you haven't seen it.

[Monica Padman]

But he.

[Dax Shepard]

I would let him intubate you.

[Monica Padman]

I would let him perform a surgery on me.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, you would. Wow.

[Monica Padman]

I think he would kind of know how to do it.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay.

[Monica Padman]

I know you're mad about that.

[Dax Shepard]

No, I want you to expand how many people you let do surgery on you. Not limit.

[Monica Padman]

Thank you. That's. That's very Buddhist of you.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah. Anyways. Hot.

[Dax Shepard]

There's enough room. I think you'll have enough surgeries. There's enough.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, my God.

[Dax Shepard]

There's enough surgeries for Noah and Ida.

[Monica Padman]

Don't say that.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, you'll. You. You're going to get another one of those piercings. I know it. I know you.

[Monica Padman]

I do want.

[Dax Shepard]

I know you so well. You'll get another infected piercing.

[Monica Padman]

I will?

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. Another ring swollen around your. These are all coming.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah. Something happened. Oh, remember I told you I had an earring in recently and it was Hard to get out.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. Got infected. Your ears are telling you very clearly.

[Monica Padman]

We don't want adornment, and I refuse to accept it.

[Dax Shepard]

Good for you.

[Monica Padman]

Anyway.

[Dax Shepard]

Identity.

[Monica Padman]

I love that he. I love that he loves the pit. Yeah, people love it. It's, like, really gotten huge.

[Dax Shepard]

I'm gonna go in.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, you got to go in at some point.

[David Sedaris]

Yeah, you gotta go in.

[Monica Padman]

You gotta go in.

[Dax Shepard]

I'm just behind on Righteous, and I was behind on White Lotus, so.

[Monica Padman]

Okay, now, why was I bringing up the Paris.

[Dax Shepard]

Paris. Oh, Buddhist is your new pit.

[Monica Padman]

Right. But it was. I was gonna say something. Oh, yeah. Okay. So the studio. So there's an episode in. In the studio about diversity, about casting.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, my God. And it is. Yes. Ice cubes in it.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, it is.

[Dax Shepard]

It's so well done.

[Monica Padman]

Funny.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

And so well done.

[Dax Shepard]

No one can figure out what's racist. That's so true and funny.

[Monica Padman]

It's so accurate.

[Dax Shepard]

Yes.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, my God. I was laughing so hard. So hard. And also, like, because they each individually have the realization that something is potentially racist, and you see them all have the realization at different times, and it is. Oh, my God. It is brilliant. It is Chef's kiss.

[Dax Shepard]

Chef's kiss.

[Monica Padman]

Highly recommend this studio. Okay, now, how many cows does an average meat eater eat in a lifetime? Okay.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay.

[Monica Padman]

The average American consumes approximately 174 animals per year, including 23 chickens, a third of a pig, a tenth of a cow, three quarters of a turkey, and smaller amounts of other animals like fish and shellfish. This translates to roughly 11 cows over a lifetime.

[Dax Shepard]

I think I've eaten more than that.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, you do think that.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. Does it.

[David Sedaris]

Does it count human DNA and hot dogs, huh?

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, yeah. Like one millionth of a human from the hot dog.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, yeah. Maybe that counts. Maybe that counts. Okay. Is piles the old word for hemorrhoids. Yes. Swollen, inflamed veins and the lower rectum and anus.

[Dax Shepard]

This. What? Oh, ding, ding, ding. This is what David's father was checking for.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, my God. Yeah. Whoa. They can be internal or external.

[Dax Shepard]

I am shocked that I've never had a hemorrhoid. It feels impossible.

[Monica Padman]

Are you sure you have.

[Dax Shepard]

I have some weak systems, but I have some bulletproof systems, as we know already. My teeth are bulletproof.

[Monica Padman]

Right.

[Dax Shepard]

I think my anus is too, because we both know I sit on that toilet for as long as I can, as long as my life will permit.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah, but you have had my legs fall asleep. You've had blood. What have you. What did you have?

[Dax Shepard]

Fissures Fissures. Yeah. I had a bad run of fissures.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah. That's not strong.

[Dax Shepard]

It's rough, but it's not a tongue hanging out of your butt. Piles.

[Monica Padman]

I've never had piles. Okay, but if I did, would you let Noah.

[Dax Shepard]

You wouldn't let. Would you let him look at your piles?

[Monica Padman]

If I got waxed and everything.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay. If everything else was gorgeous, yeah. How old is he?

[David Sedaris]

53.

[Monica Padman]

Great age. Mature.

[Dax Shepard]

Just about to be picked off the vine tomorrow, made into wine.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Monica Padman]

He's lived such a long life in the er.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, God, it's crazy. He's still at it. It's exhausting work.

[Monica Padman]

I know. It's getting to him. He has a. I won't tell you.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay.

[Monica Padman]

Okay. All right.

[David Sedaris]

That's it.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, great. I love you, David Sedaris.

[Monica Padman]

Love you, David Sedaris.

[Dax Shepard]

So much. All right.

[Monica Padman]

Oh, yeah, he brought us. We have postcards, but I didn't bring mine.

[Dax Shepard]

Isn't it behind you?

[Monica Padman]

Yours is.

[Dax Shepard]

Why isn't yours behind you?

[Monica Padman]

I have it in my house.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, that's a good place for it.

[Monica Padman]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

I thought for some reason it. It went behind your head.

[Monica Padman]

Not my fridge.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay. Love you.

[Monica Padman]

Love you.

[Dax Shepard]

Follow Armchair Expert on the Wondry app, Amazon Music, or wherever you get your your podcasts. You can listen to every episode of Armchair Expert early and ad free right now by joining Wondry plus in the Wondry App or on Apple Podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short [e-mail] survey.