Kaley Cuoco Returns

Summary

Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard

Episode: Kaley Cuoco Returns

Release Date: February 9, 2026
Guest: Kaley Cuoco
Hosts: Dax Shepard (A), Monica Padman (B)

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Episode Overview

Kaley Cuoco returns to Armchair Expert for a lively, candid, and humor-filled sit-down with Dax and Monica. They discuss Kaley's animal rescue ranch, her new MGM+ limited series "Vanished," navigating parenting and fame, reflections on past roles, relationships, and their unfiltered thoughts on everything from true crime obsessions to separate bedrooms in marriage. The episode is filled with warmth, self-deprecating humor, and memorable stories about resilience, authenticity, and embracing life’s chaos.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Kaley’s Return and Past Appearance

• [03:33-04:04] Kaley’s last appearance was via Zoom during COVID lockdown; she’s thrilled to return in person.
• Noted the huge milestone of Armchair Expert’s "thousandth" charade episode.

2. Life in Thousand Oaks & The Animal Ranch

• [04:09-07:57] Kaley describes living near her family and running a 40-acre rescue ranch ("full rescue") with a menagerie: Zonkeys ("a zebra and a donkey"), mini ponies, pigs (the undeniable bosses), ducks, and more.
  • “I've taken so many animals. I mean, we have people that have to live there now.” (C, 06:12)
  • Insights on animal dynamics, pecking order, and letting creatures (and kids) sort things out.

3. On the Slippery Slope of Exotic Pets

• [07:30-08:39] Dax jokes about Kaley getting a giraffe or rhino next; anecdotes about Bactrian camels.
  • Kaley admits her desire for unusual animals: “I want things we shouldn’t have, like a rhino.” (C, 07:34)

4. Amish Country, Zonkeys & Animal Ethics

• [08:39-09:45] Commentary on the Amish and cross-breeding animals; Kaley reflects on overbred party animals and a nationwide animal problem.
  • “People are doing crazy shit to animals. Not just that...” (C, 09:08)
• Kaley describes her zonkey’s look, “More like a donkey. Striped legs. Gray body. Calm, very sweet.” (C, 09:45)

5. Parenting in the Public Eye & Shaming

• [10:00-13:06] Kaley recounts the online backlash for letting her daughter see mature TV shows (Game of Thrones, Succession) and brushes it off with signature confidence.
  • “My kid’s amazing. Go watch this... I really don’t [care]. I have heard everything about me.” (C, 11:03, 12:12)
  • Dax and Monica chime in about parenting judgments and social media shaming.

6. Emotional Resilience & Self-Confidence

• [12:28-13:06] Kaley discusses not caring what others think, citing her busy, multifaceted childhood (sports, friends, acting), and how that helped her remain grounded.
  • “I was kind of just like a little bit of a duck. Kind of just rolled off…” (C, 13:07)

7. Podcast & True Crime Obsessions

• [14:09-16:29] Kaley’s favorite podcasts: "Sword and Scale" (dark, true crime), and near-death experience shows, and Monica recommends "Beth’s Dead".
  • “My obsession right now is really dark true crime... Sword and Scale.” (C, 14:09)
  • Dax analyzes why true crime appeals, especially to women: “You hope to gather defenses against this ever happening to you.” (A, 15:23)

8. Personal Near-Death & Vulnerability

• [17:00-20:17] Dax shares his own car accident "near-death" story, sparking a discussion on calmness in traumatic moments—mirroring common themes in Kaley’s favorite podcasts.

9. Kaley’s “Gift of Sleep”

• [20:37-22:21] Kaley humorously boasts the rare ability to sleep anywhere, anytime—a must-have, she says, for actors’ schedules.
  • “I think I learned it from being on set. I can literally go to sleep... anywhere.” (C, 20:52)

10. On Relationships: Tom Pelphrey, Divorce, and New Beginnings

• [23:20-31:15] Kaley candidly details meeting her fiancé Tom Pelphrey after her divorce, the "Eat Your Hollywood Story" of their match, and feeling lowest before a happy turn.
  • “On the floor sobbing... thought I blew up my life... The lowest point in my life I ever had.” (C, 26:39)
  • She shares about their unique, genuine connection—first sensed while deep-diving Tom’s Instagram: “I get this feeling that I’m going to spend my life with him... And I met him two weeks later.” (C, 28:00)

11. Navigating Career, Motherhood & Geography

• [34:09-35:49] Kaley opens up about not originally planning for kids, then embracing motherhood with Tom, the challenge of bi-coastal life, and Tom’s struggle with LA’s Hollywood culture.

12. Post-Big Bang Career: Motivation & Money

• [36:07-37:30] Dax probes if Kaley’s project choices post-Big Bang Theory are intentional; Kaley distills her motivation as genuine interest, noting the TV landscape’s major changes.
  • On income shift: “I live the same as I did 20 years ago... I like the way that I live, I don’t want to change.” (C, 36:56)

13. Kaley’s Pet Food Venture

• [41:50-42:52] Explains launching "Oh, Norman!" (pet food company): “It’s so authentic to me... everything I’m telling you, I’m doing, I’m using." (C, 42:29)

14. Showbiz Realities: Rejection & Hosting Dreams

• [43:53-46:29] Kaley jokes about not being chosen as the NFL Honors host despite pitching herself, and how rejection—even as a “fifth choice”—does not shake her sense of self.
  • “It doesn’t mean all of a sudden I’m not good... They know I’m good.” (C, 46:05)

15. Charmed Season 8: Being the “New Girl”

• [46:34-48:55] Kaley recalls joining "Charmed" in its final season, feeling like the outsider, and Alyssa Milano’s kind welcome.
  • “Alyssa Milano... got up, ran over to me—‘Welcome to the show!’—gave me the biggest hug...” (C, 47:14)

16. Domestic Chaos: Dogs, Barking, and Couples’ Sleep

• [51:11-55:12] Tales of messy dog rescue life, endless barking, and “garbage gut" dogs.
• On sleeping arrangements: Kaley and Tom happily sleep in separate rooms for sanity and better rest, challenging outdated marital norms.
  • “Best decision we ever made... We’re such happier people now after deciding.” (C, 56:01)

17. Work-family Balance & "Vanished"

• [57:04-58:42] The challenges and guilt of leaving her young daughter to shoot the new series in France; Tom’s support enabled her to do it.

18. "Vanished": Plot & Parallels to Real Life

• [59:02-62:33] Kaley’s character is an archaeologist whose boyfriend disappears on a train in France—Dax notes how art imitates life with her own relationship and constant life changes.
  • Kaley on filming: “I fall asleep on the train, which I'm good at. They caught me for real..." (C, 60:25)
  • Praises the show as a mystery/thriller, “I love a whodunit.” (C, 62:01)

19. Changing TV Landscape & Professional Gratitude

• [62:41-65:15] Discussing shortened TV seasons, impacts of COVID and the Hollywood strike, and mutual admiration for actors like Noah Wyle making a comeback.

20. Lighthearted Anecdotes & Relationship Dynamics

• Extended fact check segment turns to playful banter about sleepovers, fart etiquette, Disneyland group trips, and living authentically—even if it means separate bedrooms or embarrassing stories.

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• On Handling Criticism:

  “I really don’t. I have heard everything about me. I have heard great things. I’ve heard terrible things. I’ve been made fun of. I’ve been loved… So you think I give a shit if someone cares that I handed my two year old an iPad? Don’t care.”
  —Kaley Cuoco (12:12)

• On Meeting Tom Pelphrey:

  “I scan, scan, scan, scan, and I get this feeling that I’m going to spend my life with him. And I texted my best friend Zasha in that moment… And it was Tom. And I met him two weeks later.”
  —Kaley Cuoco (28:00)

• On Showbiz Ego:

  “I don’t feel that way. I’m like, that’s not the look they’re going for. It’s obvious… It doesn’t mean I go home like, ‘oh, I guess they didn’t want me.’ They know I’m good.”
  —Kaley Cuoco (46:09)

• On Marital Sleep Arrangements:

  “Best decision we ever made... We’re such happier people now after deciding... It works great for us. We’re so much happier.”
  —Kaley Cuoco (56:01)

• On Resilience:

  “What else am I gonna do? I just roll through. I don’t care.”
  —Kaley Cuoco (35:56)

• On Animal Companions:

  “We have four [dogs]… Crazy. It’s a low number for us… I love rescuing seniors so they don’t last as long.”
  —Kaley Cuoco (49:14)

• On Her Sincerity with Ventures:

  “It’s so authentic to me. It’s like if someone was an influencer… Like, this makes sense for me. So I want them to know that everything I’m telling you I’m doing, I’m using.”
  —Kaley Cuoco (42:29)

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Timestamps for Major Segments

• Animal Ranch, Zonkey, Amish reflections:
  [04:09-09:45]
• Parenting in the public eye & criticism:
  [10:00-13:06]
• Podcast & true crime obsession:
  [14:09-16:29]
• Personal near-death experience (Dax’s story):
  [17:00-20:17]
• Relationship with Tom Pelphrey, divorce & new beginnings:
  [23:20-31:15]
• Adjusting to post-sitcom success, finance, and lifestyle:
  [36:07-37:30]
• Launching “Oh, Norman!” pet food:
  [41:50-42:52]
• Charmed Season 8, Alyssa Milano welcome:
  [46:34-48:55]
• Dogs, barking, and sleeping arrangements:
  [51:11-56:01]
• Filming “Vanished,” motherhood, and supporting family:
  [57:04-58:42]
• Plot of “Vanished," filming details:
  [59:02-62:33]

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Episode Tone

• Warm, relentlessly candid, high-spirited, and self-deprecating.
• Kaley’s easy humor and self-awareness shine, with Dax and Monica riffing about parenting, fame, and the absurdities of life in a way that is both deeply human and continually funny.

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For Listeners New & Old

Whether you’re a Kaley Cuoco fan, a dog lover, or curious about the real, unvarnished side of Hollywood success, this episode delivers a blend of personal storytelling, hard-won wisdom, and laugh-out-loud moments. From surviving online parenting shaming to life with a houseful of rescue dogs, Kaley’s contagious authenticity and buoyant outlook are a reminder that sometimes, learning not to care is the only way to care for yourself.

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Kaley Cuoco’s limited series “Vanished” is out now on MGM+.

Transcript

[A]

Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Expert. I'm Dan Shepherd. I'm joined by Lily Padman.

[B]

Hi there.

[A]

Hi there. Today we have a returning guest who was a big time party last time and that was over Zoom. It was so you can't even imagine how big the party was face to face.

[B]

She's a cool girl.

[A]

She's the coolest. Kaley Cuoco. I admire so many aspects of her personality. She is just like she is who she is and she doesn't give a shit. I admire it and I aspire to it.

[B]

Me too.

[A]

She is an Emmy award nominated actor and producer. The Big Bang Theory, the Flight Attendant, eight Simple Rules, Charmed, based on a true story and her limited series out now on MGM called Vanished. Her boyfriend disappears from a train. Where is he?

[B]

Where is he?

[A]

Did he leave her or has he been abducted?

[B]

I'm excited. This is up my alley.

[A]

These are the questions that'll be answered. They won't be answered in this but we'll explore more. What's going on. Please enjoy. Kaley Cuoco. We are supported by Quints.

[B]

I love Quince.

[A]

Who did we just run into that said they were buying Quince because of our show? It was on the red carpet, wasn't it?

[B]

It was.

[A]

Oh, we were getting interviewed.

[B]

Yes, yes.

[A]

And I said, well, you're welcome. I don't feel the least bit bad driving anyone to Quince because the quality is outstanding.

[B]

It really is. Their clothes are great and also their home goods are great.

[A]

They're solid. That's the thing with Quince. They've figured out how to deliver premium quality without the luxury markup. We're talking Mongolian cashmere sweater, Italian leather outerwear, wool coats that are built to last multiple seasons. They cut out the middlemen and work directly with trusted factories that have real standards for craftsmanship and ethical production. So you're getting the same quality you'd expect from high end brands just at prices that actually make sense. These aren't trendy pieces that fall apart after one season. They're classic styles you'll reach for year after year. Refresh your winter wardrobe with quint. Go to quint.comstacks for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada too. That's q-u I n c e.comdax for free shipping and 365 day returns. Quints.comdax this episode is sponsored by Better Help. Look, February rolls around and suddenly everyone's talking about relationships, flowers, candy, all that stuff. And here's what I've noticed it doesn't matter if you're married, dating, single, or just doing your own thing. Most of us are still figuring it out. There's this pressure to have it all together in your life. But the reality is we' finding our way.

[B]

I have therapy tomorrow. I'm so excited.

[A]

Will you talk about the approaching holiday?

[B]

Oh, I might.

[A]

Here's the thing. Better help makes it really accessible. They match you with a licensed therapist based on your needs. They've got over 30,000 therapists, so they typically get it right the first time. And if it's not the right fit, well, you can switch therapists anytime. It's all designed to help you see more clearly where you want to be. Everyone is still finding their way. Find yours and feel lighter. Sign up and get 10% [e-mail] armchair that's betterhelp hlp.com armchair.

[C]

I heard you guys did your thousandth charade.

[B]

Came out. That is a thousand. Yeah. And you were probably.

[C]

When did you guys start this? I feel like it was one of the first. You were early 2018.

[A]

So we were two and a half years in.

[C]

Yeah, exactly. Okay. Oh. Not to be exact or anything. Never mind. 262.

[A]

62.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

God, that is amazing.

[A]

7:30 ago.

[B]

I hope you feel the difference.

[C]

I mean, that was at the height of COVID I was in a lockdown in Canada when I talked to you guys.

[A]

November 2020.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Wow. November.

[B]

That's right.

[A]

No viembre.

[B]

Glad to have you in person.

[A]

What part of town do you live in?

[C]

Thousand Oaks. My parents still live in Thousand Oaks. And now I made my way back.

[B]

That's sweet.

[C]

So happy. Then I complained. Yes. We love where we live because it's removed. It's removed. It's not la.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

The ranch. Santa Ynez.

[C]

The ranch is Wesley.

[A]

So Bateman grew up hanging out with that guy Murdoch owned Dole.

[C]

Dole.

[B]

Like bananas.

[C]

That's the money guy.

[A]

Pineapple Bananas. He bought Lanai. He had originally owned Lanaiva island in Hawaii because of the banana plantation.

[C]

Yeah. You know a little more about him than I do.

[A]

So he hung out with this kid and. Yeah, he built that Sherwood Lake thing. Community. I think one of his kids drowned in there.

[C]

I actually think that is true. Something happened.

[A]

Another kid died in a Ferrari accident on the 101.

[C]

Yes. I'm actually. Has there been a move? I feel like there should be something.

[A]

Did you know any of those families?

[C]

No. We got this ranch. I think I've probably had it for seven or eight years. Now, so that's a newer space to us live 15 minutes from the ranch.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Which is amazing.

[A]

The ranch is gorgeous. I was watching an interview there, and it looked like Santa Ana's valley.

[C]

It's stunning. It's so cool. It's 40 flat acres, which is, like, very rare. So it's all usable and like, 8,000 animals.

[B]

Wow.

[C]

Not really, but a lot. It's turned into a full rescue. Whoa.

[A]

I wrote them down. You've got a Zonkey.

[C]

We have a Zonkey.

[A]

Tell me about a Zonkey. Incredible name for an animal.

[C]

You can guess what that is, right? A Zonkey and a donkey. So we get a lot of our animals from Amish country and we end up rescuing a lot of them because, you know, a lot of them are worker animals. It can be a little weird. So we have two Zonkeys from Amish country they were trying to sell. You know, they try and breed these things. This is not normal.

[A]

They obviously mate a donkey and a zebra.

[C]

It's totally fucked up.

[A]

Where does the zebra come from other than obviously Africa?

[C]

I have no idea. I don't even know how they attain these sorts of creatures.

[B]

Yeah, there's so much.

[C]

So we have started to attain a few. It's a little word of mouth with us. They kind of know that we have the space. And I can't say no to anything. So I've taken so many animals. I mean, we have people that have to live there now. And I'll sneak some in sometimes. Like, I'm like, do you think they'll notice if I add this duck? Like, there'll be five ducks when there's six, and everyone's like, wait a minute. Like, I'm not like, no, they were always here.

[B]

No, that guy was just hiding.

[C]

I have the space down. That's always been the dream, to have the space.

[B]

That's nice. That's a beautiful thing.

[A]

Are there any you regret? Like, do you have anything that's raising hell over there? Because zebras are assholes.

[C]

No, totally. And this guy, he's not. She's actually very shy. But we've done a really good job of managing. And what's amazing about animals is people get afraid. They come in, they go. They all live together. Like, a lot of the little ones live together. Don't they fight and they figure it out. Yeah, we're getting in their way. In this day and age, everyone's like, oh, don't let that one play with that.

[A]

People do that with kids, too.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

Let them decide yeah, they'll be fine.

[A]

They know how to get the pecking order going.

[C]

They do. And the animals are the same way. And they figure it out. They get in little arguments and things, but they know who's the boss. They know who not to mess with. Who is the boss? You know who the real boss is? The pigs.

[A]

Oh, yeah. Pigs are fucking up.

[C]

They're like walking around. Everyone else kind of like, you know, the goats kind of go, okay, just let them walk.

[B]

Because they're so smart.

[C]

And they're huge.

[A]

They're huge. They have tusks virtually. They have huge canines.

[C]

They can totally bite. No. It's hilarious, but it's kind of sink or swim. I'm like, if you can't figure it out here, you can't figure it out anywhere.

[B]

Do you think you're on a slippery slope to like getting a tiger 100% thing?

[A]

No.

[C]

The slope at this point is like, I want a giraffe. I feel like we're slippery. I want things we shouldn't have, like a rhino. I want things that we 100% slippers. Yes. Yes. You're not a Rob.

[A]

Snow leopard.

[C]

Yes. Yes.

[A]

I can tell you the thing that would be great for you to get because. Okay. My mom lived in Hood River, Oregon for a while and we discovered this place. This man had a farm and he had all these crazy animals. He was a very sweet man. And the girls fell in love with the giraffes. It was great. He had. His favorite thing was these Bactrian camels. And they're so beautiful. Like, he had this one that was like his girl and she went everywhere with them and. And crazy smart.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

I was like, of all these things, that is the coolest thing, this Bactrian camel. And they live, I guess, in the most extreme. They're in negative 20 and also 120. They can hang anywhere.

[C]

Wow. Well, now I want my camera.

[A]

Yeah. If someone's trying to unload a Bactrian.

[C]

Camel, I'll take it.

[A]

Because the eyes, they're like cartoony. They have eyelashes. Yes. She was pretty.

[C]

Oh, my God. I never even thought I could have a camel.

[A]

Now back to the zebra way. I want to not be disparaging to the Amish because I grew up around them. I understand. In southern Michigan.

[C]

Totally.

[A]

They're lovely and they're like woodworkers.

[C]

I know, it's amazing.

[A]

I admire the close knit family.

[C]

I totally agree with you.

[A]

But I cannot help but call out a little bit of the hypocrisy, which is like for some reason, God doesn't want them to drive cars. Yeah, that makes sense. I understand the logic of it. But why? If God wanted a Zonkey, he would have made one. Why are you free to cross pollinate species?

[C]

Listen, listen. This is happening all over. People are do crazy shit to animals. Not just that, like the stuff we think because we have a lot of dwarf ponies, we have mini ponies, a lot of these animals, again, that are over bred in such a terrible way that it's like that's not supposed to look like that. And people have them for parties and kids gets all over the country. We have a big animal problem. Go down that hole. But I do think when we're getting them from the Amish country, they're worker animals. They use horses to get around. There's a lot of animals that are working for them.

[A]

Ease of burden.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

So when they kind of finish that job, where do they go? And so we've actually been able to take a few and let them live with us.

[A]

I'm really hung up on the donkey. What does it look like? More like the zebra or more like the donkey?

[C]

More like the donkey. Striped legs. Oh, I'm gonna send you a picture after this. So the striped legs, but then a gray body.

[A]

Okay. And the demeanor of a donkey, I guess.

[C]

Yeah. Very calm, very sweet. I'm dying to nuzzle her. And she will not quite let that happen yet.

[B]

Okay. Hard to get.

[C]

I wanna get in there. I don't wanna kiss it.

[A]

Have you been mauled or attacked about any of these? Okay.

[B]

I'd knock on one.

[C]

It could be its own reality show at that ranch.

[A]

Did you watch Chimp Crazy?

[C]

No. It's so confused.

[A]

I'm surprised.

[C]

I can't. With the monkeys. I can't.

[B]

It makes you sad.

[C]

Yeah. I can't watch anything with animals.

[A]

Well, you've seen the cartoon Lion King.

[C]

Yes, yes, of course. And my daughter has seen it too.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

It's one of the least ones we watch, actually. She watches everything. But that's not the one we watched as much.

[A]

She likes Succession.

[C]

She loves Game of Thrones. She loves succession.

[A]

That's true. She told that story on Camel.

[C]

That was actually true. I handed her my iPad. I was watching that and I wanted to see how long she would last. The hate I got for that.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[C]

How could you? I'm like, calm down, big time.

[B]

Calm down.

[A]

I watched that with the most amount of tension I've ever watched someone do a talk show appearance. I'm quietly applauding it Right. Cause it's like the shaming of everyone's parenting is such an epidemic. And I was like, oh, this bitch is going hard. She's gonna say exactly what's happened and fuck all y'. All. If you have a problem with that.

[C]

I feel bad that they're not doing what I'm doing because it's working out great for me. My kid's amazing. Go watch this.

[B]

Yeah, you can do Sunday tv now.

[C]

It's just w. Now that I have my own. I would never tell someone or say, don't do that. I would never.

[A]

Other than corporal punishment. If you saw someone getting their ass kicked, that's different. Right, Right.

[C]

But it's like I could never say, oh, I don't think you should show her that, or I don't think she should give that kid that or feed them that. It's like, the fuck am I saying? It blows my mind how brave some of these people are.

[B]

Audacious.

[C]

Isn't it insane?

[A]

You know, you get to define what is important to you as a parent. Some people then decide that's how every single person should be thinking about it too.

[C]

It's wild.

[A]

Well, the heat I've gotten. For like one time we said, we don't bathe the kids every night. I'm like, we deal with their babies. But get real, they're not fucking dirty. That was a whole stink up. Then I said, when they are 18, I'd offered to pay for them to freeze their eggs so they never felt the pressure of that. That was. Some people are mad at. And I'm like, my goodness.

[C]

I mean, I guess we should know by now. I've been in this business for so long that nothing phases me anymore. But I find it quite charming though.

[A]

It's very charming that you don'. Seem to care.

[C]

I really don't. Yeah, I don't give a fuck. I have heard everything about me. I have heard great things. I've heard terrible things. I've been made fun of. I've been loved. This has been my whole life. So you think I give a shit if someone cares that I handed my two year old an iPad?

[A]

Uh huh.

[C]

Don't care.

[A]

Good for you.

[C]

Don't care.

[A]

Was that a late adoption of that feeling disposition or did you come to it? Did you used to care?

[C]

Did I used to care? I think certain things have tweaked me, but over recent years, I. I do not care anymore.

[A]

I guess. As a kid, were you someone who got self conscious easy?

[C]

No.

[A]

Good for you. No.

[C]

But I also think that was because this wasn't all I did as a kid. I mean, I was a child actor.

[A]

You're a ranked tennis player.

[C]

Loved tennis. I had sports. I had a million friends. I wasn't all about this. It was a million other things. And I've kind of kept that as an adult. So I kind of was like a little bit of a duck. Kind of just like rolled off back to the ducks. Look at me. I circled all the way back to the duck.

[B]

That was a good call.

[A]

I did.

[C]

I didn't even mean to. It just naturally happened. I just go to the ducks immediately.

[A]

It was elegant.

[C]

It was elegant. Yeah.

[B]

We call that a ding, ding, ding here.

[A]

Yeah. Duck, duck, goose. Yes. Duck, duck, goose. What was it when it doesn't work out?

[C]

I don't know.

[B]

I think it was a duck. Duck, goose is when it is wrong.

[A]

When it's not a ding, ding, ding. Yeah, that's right.

[C]

So I never even heard that.

[A]

We made up all of that.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

I was like, I didn't hear this.

[A]

Ding, ding, ding a lot.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

And then sometimes, if I can be. Sometimes Monica would say ding, ding, ding on something that I didn't think really was related. Right. So it would be like she was talking about brushing her teeth. And then later I said, you know, I bought a washcloth. And she go, ding, ding, ding.

[B]

And I go, you can see the connective tissue. I can see.

[C]

I can see.

[A]

And I go, that's more of a duck, duck, goose. So then duck, duck, goose became. If it's not really related, ding, ding, ding. It felt like it was.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, I get it.

[B]

Over these thousand episodes, we got a lot of little.

[C]

How can you not amazing.

[A]

I wish we had been keeping a glossary. That would have been helpful.

[C]

It's pretty amazing, you guys.

[A]

Do you listen to podcasts?

[C]

My obsession right now is really dark, true crime. Okay, good, good, good. Sword and scale. It is a true crime podcast. But what I love about it is they're all individual. There's 400 episodes. So these are the episodes they don't show on Dateline. It's really dark.

[A]

It's like hardcore porn.

[C]

It's hardcore. It's an addiction. Yeah, there's like a kid's story. I can't do that one or anything with animals. I cut a lot of it out, but that's been my obsession lately. And then my fiance got me obsessed with near death experience experiences. Oh, I can't get enough.

[B]

My friend Elizabeth is very obsessed with that too. I cannot relate.

[A]

Me either. Tell me about what the appeal is.

[C]

I find it interesting. The few that I've listened to recently have a lot of similar patterns. We're talking people all over the world that are talking about these near death experiences and the way that they're seeing angels and demons. It's fascinating to me. And a lot of their stories, they're not the same, but they have so many similarities, and I find it unbelievable. And then these people that remember every moment and they talk about the light and they go in and they're like, oh, my God, am I dead? But I'm not. And then they come back and they tell this story. I'm just kind of upset with it.

[B]

It is interesting.

[C]

It's interesting.

[A]

Do you think, because you ultimately have a great fear of death and you want to know that perhaps there's something more. We had this great expert on us talking about why we like true crime, why do we like ufc, why do we like war documentaries? And it's because we get to model out our fears and hopefully learn for true crime. Women are obsessed with. What did they miss? What was the thing that should have triggered? Oh, this was a dangerous person. Like, you hope to gather defenses against this ever happening to you.

[C]

Right.

[A]

So in that vein, do you think there's something happening with you wanting to know, or is it just a random curiosity?

[C]

I think it's a random curiosity. I think I was also curious because Tom is so obsessed with it that I wanted to understand his obsession.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[C]

He so intrigued by God and all these different things and what happens when you die. And so he has this real love for learning about that. So I think I wanted to be able to talk to him about it. Yeah. So I started listening too, and I thought, am I gonna be into this? And now I am. I think it's fascinating. But he won't listen to any of the true crime. That's not his jam.

[A]

Have you ever hit him with Dr. Death? Cause I'm not a true crime person, but that one is the greatest.

[C]

That one is unbelievable.

[A]

That's my favorite, I think, podcast of all time.

[C]

Unbelievable. He probably liked that one.

[A]

He'd dig it. Cause that's like a guy's narcissism running wild in the decapitation of a friend on the table.

[B]

That's a great one. I. People are scary. I will take the time to peddle a podcast of mine called Beth's Dead that is out.

[C]

Beth's Dead.

[B]

Yes. It's 10 episodes and it is true crimey.

[A]

Ooh.

[B]

Yes. It takes a lot of twists.

[C]

And turns. Wait a minute. I'm listening to that on the way home.

[B]

Okay. I think you'll like it.

[C]

I love that.

[B]

Take some big twists and turns. It's kind of meta because it happened in a podcast.

[C]

Oh, okay, okay, okay. No, I love that. I mean, that's the age we're in. And I live so far, so I'm always listening to podcasts in the car.

[A]

Yeah. Have you had a near death experience?

[C]

No. Isn't it weird that I kind of wish I did? I want one.

[B]

No, it makes sense because I want.

[C]

To see what these people are. What are they seeing?

[B]

I'm gonna knock on wood again, though.

[A]

I don't know what the definition is. But I have had the moment, which is among the most unique feelings I've ever had in my life, where I went, oh, I'm about to die. I was in the backseat of a car, Like, I had folded the seats down in the back of a Ford Pro in like a hatchback. And my friend was driving. We were coming back from Toledo back up to Detroit. It was like late at night, and I had to work super early in the morning. So I go, hey, I'm gonna sleep in the back. Are you good to drive? Yeah, I'm totally fine. He had the Cruise control on 85. And I'm like, back there, I'm listening. And the road was really rhythmic. I was like, dun, dun, dun, dun. Just at that moment, I was like, oh, that rhythm's nice. I'm gonna fall asleep. And then I just heard gravel hitting the side of the car. And I immediately looked up and he was completely slumped over. And we'd gone off the road and we're going 85. And the car started to go sideways. It's just pine trees lining that interstate in Michigan. And I started to go to grab the wheel, and there was a moment I just knew it was far gone. Like, we had gone completely sideways. I laid back down, and then we just launched in the air and we started rolling right down the highway. And as this was happening, I'm waiting to just hit a tree. I'm like, we're going to hit a tree. And that's going to be that. And I definitely had this moment where I was like, oh, wow, I'm going to die in a second. And the feeling was shockingly comforting. That I remember I went from complete fear. Shit, the car's out of control. Oh, my God, we're going to roll. Fuck, we're rolling. All right, we're gonna roll into a tree. I'm Gonna die. Like, all that calculus. And then I just went like. And I got very calm. Whatever thing they give you, the DMT or whatever the weird chemical is, did definitely start getting released, I think, where I was kind of weirdly at total peace with it. And then we just rolled like 10 times, ended up upside down. We did not hit a tree.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

The car was flat. We crawled out the windows, the whole nine yards.

[C]

My friend was okay, he was okay.

[A]

And I was okay.

[C]

That is terrifying. That's really interesting. A lot of the stories that I hear, people have a sense of calm even if something bad is happening. A lot of them say, these people that came back from having this death experience, that the minute that you think they're in pain, that's gone. If we watch someone, God forbid, someone dying or an accident or something, that if that experience is about to happen, not to worry. Like, it's gone.

[A]

Yeah. Somehow the body calculates. We don't need to deal with that.

[C]

We worry. But they're like, we want you to know we're not feeling that. They're not, like, sitting there, half alive, half dead, feeling this pain like it's gone when they come back. They do.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

But that moment of the in between, whatever that means, all the stories seem to be the same where they're not feeling whatever is happening to them because we're all obviously so worried about that person or whatever. But they said that that's not the case.

[A]

I'd want to talk to other folks because the trippiest part for me was post that event for about three days because I already went, oh, I'm dead. And I accepted it. For the next three days, I'd just be places and I felt very peculiar. Like, am I dead? I know I died. That was the weirdest part of the whole thing.

[C]

Was this a long time ago?

[A]

This was 12th grade in high school.

[C]

Oh, you were little. OK. You don't forget shit like that.

[A]

Yeah, no, it was highly memorable. This may shock you, but I've never been able to fall asleep in a car ever since, so I can never let the other person take a turn driving. That's off the table. Oh, for sure. There's no way I could sleep with someone else driving. That's a wrap on that.

[C]

That makes sense. I mean, that's major ptsd. I have the gift of sleeping anywhere at any time.

[B]

Oh, that's a good thing.

[C]

Let's say we were working right now and they were like, you've got 20 minutes. I am not joking. I could lay on this Hard table and be out into dreamland. I could actually do it right here. If they were like, we need 20. I'd be like, okay. I have photos of this on set. I think I learned it for being on set.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

I can literally go to sleep to a place of gone to the point where someone has to physically wake me up.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

Shake you any position known to me. Like, people are jealous of a gift.

[A]

I am so jealous.

[C]

I know. It's crazy.

[A]

So on an airplane, you're like, immediately, Immediately.

[C]

The car made me think of this. The car. This couch is a luxury, but I would do it on the floor. Wow.

[A]

Bed of needles. Anything ever fallen asleep driving the car?

[C]

Never. No. Anywhere, planes, any seat. Nothing is uncomfortable. I can figure it out. I mean, the amount of sleeps in a director's chair that I can do is, like a gift.

[A]

This is another thing about your comfort level. A lot of people, too, are like, do I look insane sleeping?

[C]

Listen, I got up at work.

[A]

Okay, yeah, my mouth will open and it's agape.

[C]

Yeah, no, I get a little agape.

[B]

Too, but, like, I gotta get a.

[C]

Nap in, you know, These hours are nuts. Yeah, yeah.

[B]

You gotta prioritize your give a shit.

[C]

Kevin Hart posted something the other day. He's the same. He can sleep anywhere. Did you see that? I've worked with him a few times, and he used to fall asleep at different spots. And I would laugh because I was like, oh, my God, I can do the same thing. But he can sleep anywhere too. But I think it's a gift. When you work the way you do.

[B]

You have to figure it out, you know? What did he post? Did he post him?

[C]

Just sleeping A couple different sleepings that people had taken so long.

[A]

I think he was on set of Jumanji.

[C]

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

[A]

And he's just like.

[C]

He was, like, at a dinner table at one point, just, like, asleep. No, I said, oh, my God. I totally understand that.

[B]

And do you sleep well at night? Are you just okay?

[C]

You're just. I have the gift of sleep. I know.

[B]

I love that.

[C]

I'm, like, very afraid that that's about to change. I just turned 40, and everyone's like, you'll never sleep well again. And I'm like, so far, I've been fine also.

[A]

Okay, so the gift of that, I'd imagine, is you had a newborn. And my issue with waking up to do the feedings, we would break them up and do every other one. I can't fall back asleep.

[C]

That's Tom. He cannot go back to sleep. Once he's up, his life is over.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

So we were definitely spoiled and had help at night.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

I spent every dollar on help. We were like, if we. Any money, that's where it's.

[B]

If you can. Yes.

[C]

So I don't know what that is.

[A]

Like, good for you.

[C]

People will say to me, when we first had Matilda, they would say, oh, my God, it's amazing. You look so rested. I'm like, I am more than ever. Oh, my God.

[B]

And then they're like, I hate you.

[A]

I hate you. I get it.

[C]

I said, I don't want anyone to think I'm magically looking awake. And I didn't sleep all night. Like, I always told I wanted to wear a sign that was like, I slept.

[B]

You're like, full night.

[C]

I just want you to have the truth.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

That's the truth. I know. Appreciate that.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Now, Tom, he says hi, by the way.

[A]

Oh, he does.

[C]

He loves you. He loves you from afar.

[A]

Okay. Same. The timing of this is incredible because I watched Task. Did you watch Task?

[B]

Yeah, I think I said. I said, that's Haley's boyfriend.

[A]

Oh, I don't remember you saying this. Yeah.

[C]

How good is that show?

[B]

Amazing.

[A]

It's so good. And Kristin and I were watching it together, and both of us simultaneously were like, excuse me, who's this fucking guy? How could he be this good and in this caliber of a show without me having seen him before? And then I learned he was in Ozark. And then, of course, last night, I had to read about him, and I'm like, oh, my God. It's even better than I thought, because he did the impossible. He started on soaps prominently, so 100% and fucking clawed his way up to the peak of cachet on hbo.

[C]

I know.

[A]

What a gangster.

[C]

No, it's really true. He is one of the ones, I'll let him tell you one day. But he loved his time on the soap. He had the time of his life. He always talks about it in a beautiful way.

[A]

I love that.

[C]

He's like, I was out of my mind, out of control. Like, I was a partier, had the time of my life.

[A]

Every woman in America was obsessed with it.

[C]

He said it was so fun. He's such a chameleon. Because if you look at his work, half the things people don't even know it's him. Like, he's so.

[A]

You know, the body is fucking top notch, too. I like a guy with that frame.

[C]

Hot. I know.

[B]

It's ridiculous.

[A]

I heard you say that you were Stalking him on Instagram.

[C]

Oh, that's how you found him? Him, no. But I did stalk him on it.

[A]

Yeah. So I want to know the progression.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

So we have the same manager. Very eat your Hollywood Story. I was obviously going through a divorce, however many years ago, and we do.

[A]

Need to talk about that because we were so into Carl. You wouldn't remember our interview. You remember. Remember how into Carl we were?

[C]

Because Carl.

[A]

She was married to Carl at the moment. Yes. And he was an equestrian.

[B]

Equestrian.

[C]

He wanted a gold medal. This last year, he did something at the Olympic. He's amazing. I have not a single bad thing to say about.

[A]

Well, we were so into cars. Rob came in one morning. He goes, you guys girls gone. But it really meant something. Do you remember all that?

[B]

I actually don't.

[C]

I remember talking to you about it. I remember talking about it. So I was getting divorced, and my manager, maybe six months later said, we just signed this new guy. You got to meet him. So six months. And I said, I'm not ready. No. And I shut it down. And by the way, I've been with my manager and my entire team since I was 15 years old. They're a family to me. So she brings it up to me. I'm like, no, I'm not. It doesn't feel right. So she goes, noted. So cut to April. Cut to four months later. I'm bringing her as my plus one to New York to promote Flight Attendant. She goes, oh, this is great. I actually have a few different people I'll see in New York. One of them is Tom. There was a premiere for Ozark and she was gonna go. So she goes, well, we can go to that together. So she's saying all this to me. She's not scheming, but I remember this is the guy she mentioned before. Now, mind you, two weeks before I left for that, I guess you call it a press tour. But to promote Flight Attendant season two, we hadn't had a premiere for season one. Cause of COVID So season two for flight was very exciting. We got to, like, actually go out and do stuff. But I'll never forget, I was laying on the floor of this house that I shared with Carl. We were obviously divorced, divorcing. And it was the day of the premiere, and I was on the floor sobbing, thinking I ruined my whole life. That is the lowest point in my life I ever had. I couldn't get up. I was so depressed. I thought I blew up my life. What am I gonna fucking do now? You've got this Weird. The other side. The premiere of my show tonight. Exactly. This is the weirdest juxtaposition. Is that what you call juxtaposition? I don't even know. My hair and makeup girls came over. They were literally doing my hair and makeup on the floor. I said, I can't go on the floor. I was so sad.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

My path for me was so complicated. And I just thought, oh, man, this might have been it for me. Like, this is it for me.

[A]

And then you're older because you're. And then you're worried I'll never find love again.

[C]

Everything.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

So heart wrenching. It was horrible. So I knew two weeks later, we were going to New York to promote the show and my manager says, you want to go to the premier Ozark with me? We can meet Tom. And I was like, she's still trying to set me up with this guy. Like, I don't think. So I decided to go on Instagram and I only look him up. So I look him up and kind of looks like he's living up in the woods and he's got his dogs. And I'm like, oh, there's a dog I like. So I'm like, looking, looking, looking. By the way, I still have not met him. I know nothing. You know when you go real deep and you get afraid you're gonna like something from like 2008, you gotta be so kidding. I' do not touch this phone.

[A]

You have to scroll on the very right side of it. You cannot be anywhere near that heart button sitting on my hand.

[C]

If you like something from 2010. This can be so embarrassing.

[A]

Busted.

[C]

Oh, Lordy. So I scan, scan, scan, scan, and I get this feeling that I'm going to spend my life with him. And I texted my best friend Zasha in that moment. She still has it. And I said, this is crazy, but I have to put it in writing. I think I'm going to meet the man I'm going to spend my life with. She goes, what do you mean? I'm like, just keep this. This text. And it was Tom.

[B]

Wow.

[C]

And I met him two weeks later.

[A]

Now, how much did the German shepherd play a role? That's a big stand.

[C]

Gotta be a dog lover with me.

[B]

Yeah, that was a big one.

[C]

Also, he looked very, like, out in, like, the wood. It wasn't like he was like selfie guy. It was more like, where is. He was very serious.

[A]

Right?

[C]

Not actory. Yes.

[A]

That's what we're really saying.

[C]

I'm gonna be with an actor. You better be A good actor.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

This is also a tough thing.

[B]

That's right.

[C]

So I'm like, okay, he's cool. So you. I was thinking about it. I go, oh, my God, maybe things are about to get better. So she takes me to the premiere, and I'm still thinking, I can't believe I'm gonna meet this guy tonight. We get there and I'm in line, bathroom, and I hear he has a very loud laugh. He has a lovely laugh. You hear it from my wife. And I heard his laugh and I heard him say, so where is this Kaylee? He says, it's my manager. And I, like, turn around and I look up at him and he gives me his big smile, and I'm like, I'm right here.

[B]

Oh, this is like such a rom com.

[C]

I've been here the whole time. I'm right here. That was it.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

And then you guys were just in it. Yeah.

[C]

So we go into the theater, and he's sitting in front. Now they're showing two episodes of Ozark. This is a long night.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

Okay, now we all want to watch Ozark, but right now all I want is do is flirt my ass off with this guy who is sitting in front of me who did not look back once. So I kept thinking, oh, my God. And I'm dying. Because I'm like, he's really not going to turn around for two and a half hours. And we laugh about it now because he's like. That whole time, I was like, don't look back. It was sitting right behind him. So we go to the after prayer. We're just, like, kind of shy. And after, like, two hours of not much conversation, he finally sits next to. And by the way, my sister happened to be there, too. My sister's so gorgeous. She looked so hot that night. And I was like, bri, can you please, if he goes for you tonight?

[B]

Yeah, please.

[C]

She looks.

[B]

Take it down a knot.

[C]

She was laughing. She's like, oh, my God. I'm like, just get out of here. So luckily, he didn't go for her. So he comes and. Yeah. He says, hey, how much longer are you here? I said, a few more days. And he said, I'd love to take you out tomorrow night. So we did.

[A]

Was he living there or. He was just in town for the premiere as well.

[C]

He lives in the wars. Yes. So he drove down for the premiere. And so the next night, I totally ditched my friends. We had plans to go to Harry.

[A]

Potter, the musical gave Monica a seizure.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

You probably avoided A seizure. So don't worry.

[C]

I left intermission. I said, guys, I gotta go meet this guy. And they're like, you're leaving us for that? And I planned the whole night. So we did. I jumped out. We had tea in the lobby of the hotel.

[A]

Where was he staying? What hotel?

[C]

I was at the Whitby, so he met me there. It's my favorite hotel. And so we had tea and. And I saw. This is so bad. But he had a pack of cigarettes.

[A]

Good for.

[C]

And I was like. And I think he thought I would be like, ew. And I'm like, I'll have one of those. He was like, you will? You think it shocked him? There was something about it. It's so bad. But he's got so excited that I'd, like, have a smoke with him. And we did. We had a smoke. He was, like, trying to hide. That's like his one little vice.

[A]

Sure. Stay tuned for more Armchair Expert, if you dare. We are supported by Allstate. Checking Allstate first could save you hundreds on car insurance. That's smart. Not checking your phone's battery before heading out. That'll get you every time. Of course, your phone dies on the way to meet someone, leaving you wandering around quietly panicking about being in the wrong spot. Yeah, checking first is smart. So check Allstate first for a quote. That could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with all Allstate. Potential savings vary, subject to terms, conditions and availability. Allstate North America Insurance Company affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois. We are supported by HubSpot. Did you know that most businesses, Monica, only use 20% of their data?

[B]

That's like reading a book with most of the pages torn out.

[A]

Yeah, or paying for a coffee that's 1/5 full.

[B]

Yuck.

[A]

Point is, you miss a lot unless you use HubSpot. Their customer platform gives you access to the date data you need to grow your business. The insights trapped in emails, call logs and transcripts. All that unstructured data that makes all the difference. Because when you know more, you grow more. And when you get a full cup of coffee, you can do more, too. But I digress. Visit HubSpot.com today. This podcast is brought to you by Squarespace, the all in one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed on online. When we were building the Armchair Expert website, Rob actually used Squarespace to get it up and running, which was a smart choice because they've got everything you need in one place to create something that actually looks professional. What really stands out is their blueprint AI feature. It's like having a design assistant that helps you build a site that doesn't look like every other cookie cutter template out there. Answer a few questions about what you're trying to do, and it creates something that actually fits your vision. If you're someone who offers services, whether that's coaching, consulting, creative work, whatever, Squarespace handles all the business stuff too. Payment processing, scheduling, client management. No more juggling five different platforms just to get paid for what you do. The whole thing is designed so you can focus on your actual work instead of wrestling with website tech, which, let's be honest, most of us would rather avoid. So head to squarespace.comdax for a free trial. And when you're ready to Launch, use code DAX to save 10% off your first purchase of A or domain. So how do you then work out the fact that he's up in the woods in New York and you're in Westlake?

[C]

Well, we got pregnant like an hour later. Hey, this is the fact we knew, which is wild. Cause I never thought I would have kids.

[B]

You didn't?

[A]

Oh, you didn't think so?

[C]

I always loved him, but I felt like I missed the mark. And then with my ex, I kept thinking I didn't want kids with him or. I don't know what it was. Something was missing. I knew it wasn't right for that, and I thought, that's okay. I love my work. I was really okay with it.

[A]

You got your animals.

[C]

I was fine. I think deep down, I wasn't fine. But I met Tom. We both wanted it so bad. And then we got pregnant easily and we were so excited. And I said, what are we gonna do? You live there, I live here. And he said he would move to la. And luckily, like I was telling you guys, I live so far outside of LA that. That he was attracted to that area. Now, I will tell you, the hardest thing is his move out here. He hates la.

[A]

Oh, really?

[C]

He's not an LA guy. Yeah, he's a New Yorker.

[A]

But you have the funds to split this up a bit and.

[C]

We do. No, we totally do. And he's been amazing. You know, look, one of us was gonna have to give up. I love New York, but my family's all here. His family's there. That's a tough. I've never dealt with that before. I know that's been hard. He's the most brilliant actor, but he's not a Hollywood. Thank God I'm not a Hollywood girl, but I'm in it Right. Whether I am or not.

[A]

Yeah. You're very not a Hollywood girl.

[C]

I'm not.

[B]

But it's also been my life, and.

[C]

It'S been my life for so long that I am so used to what this life brings. He's the actor's actor. He wants to do the acting thing without all the other stuff. He doesn't want it, which is what I love about him. So because I'm so used to all the stuff that comes with this, nothing phases. And he's always amazed by that. He's like, I don't understand. I just roll through. I don't care. And it's not his scene.

[A]

Yeah, well, I would argue that you have worked so much that you had to develop that. Like, I just fucking keep moving, roll forward.

[C]

What else am I gonna do?

[A]

You just have been doing it for.

[C]

So long, and I don't think there was ever a choice in that. I've always had that attitude. There's never been, like, a minute where I'm like, I need to really. It just was this.

[A]

Now I will say so I've been really curious. Posed post Big Bang. Obviously you have an agenda, which I dig, which is like, you've been really doing action, mystery. This thing is a thriller. Vanish. As much as you're like, yeah, show up and do the thing. Are you like, well, now I want to do a bunch of stuff I didn't get to do. It feels like there's an agenda.

[C]

It kind of looks like that. It's not necessarily.

[A]

It's just what you were interested in or landed in front of you.

[C]

This business has gotten so fucking weird and difficult and hard. And there's not a lot of great stuff. It's harder now. It's harder to make things. There's so much television, yet at the same time, it's so complicated.

[A]

And now here's a really nosy, gross question, but what is it like to go from making an insane amount of money back down to making, like, a good amount of money? Is it an adjustment?

[C]

I don't think about that. I should think about it more, but I don't. I live the same as I did 20 years ago now. It's different, too, with a child. Like, there's different elements now, but I like the way that I live. I don't want to change. Change that way that I live.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

It's the same way, though, where I'm. And Tom and I have talked about this a lot because I'm so. I was gonna say brave. That's not the right Word. I don't remember that I am anyone. So I do things. You're, like, oblivious. I am so oblivious. And yet I've listened so much. True crime. I'm also very aware. Sure. So, like, your diligent is gonna be behind me. That I know.

[A]

Hyper, vigilant, but then oblivious.

[C]

But oblivious.

[B]

You just forget you're famous.

[C]

So I do things that he will be like, what are you doing?

[B]

Yeah, like, people know you.

[C]

We take Matilda a lot to Chuck E. Cheese and to. You don't have to come tonight. I go, no, no, of course I want to come. And I'll be like, why you do not want me to come? He's like, no. Every time you come, he's like, do you understand what happens at Chuck E. Cheese? And I laugh and I go, I swear to God. And I really mean this. I don't even think about it.

[A]

And you don't remember the last of Chuck Zero memory.

[C]

I just remember having so much fun at Chuck E. Cheese.

[B]

Matilda, are people coming up to you or everyone's just looking at you?

[A]

Filming.

[C]

I get a little weird.

[A]

Yeah, they're definitely filming.

[B]

They're filming, you know, and again, I don't. Yeah, you're just not paying attention.

[A]

Good for you. It's healthy. I w. I could let that go.

[C]

I know. I don't care.

[A]

Does it fuck up, Tom? I get this weird, protective, hey, y', All, My kids are around. Don't fucking point a camera like that kind of irks me.

[C]

Yes, me.

[A]

I'm fine. You could film me taking a shit if you find me at the airport.

[C]

But if I'm with my kids, he's protective for sure. And again, he doesn't like that side of it.

[B]

Yes. It's a gross side.

[C]

It is gross. And I just don't notice it. He doesn't like award show. He's like, what are we doing? And I'm there. I'm like, oh, my God. I get to wear, like, the cutest dress.

[A]

And you're seeing friends you've known over the years. Yes.

[C]

But I get it. I'm looking at it through his eyes. I'm like, no, this is really fucked up. We're going to, like, these weird popularity contests. Yes. Not even really how good you are.

[A]

Tom and I could really have a coffee.

[C]

You would go to town.

[B]

We were. Podcast was.

[C]

I know.

[B]

Podcast was a thing.

[A]

It was cool. I did it.

[B]

I just felt so small. I mean, of course. Right?

[C]

That made me like. No, but you're so not. I get what you're saying. We all feel small at those things.

[A]

I was just talking to. Oh, Kurt Wood. I went out to eat with Kurt Wood Smith, my favorite actor. If you worked with Kurt Wood, he's the dad on 70 show, and he's in the Patriot.

[C]

He's amazing.

[A]

He's amazing. And I did a thing with him years ago, and I just fell in love with him. And we had lunch the other day. It was so sweet. And I was saying, you know, it's so funny. You're like, oh, yeah, I got invited to the big party. But then the second you get there, you're like. It's physically strata. It's like, okay, so movie people are down here, close to the stage, and then the TV people are in this ring, and then they dump the podcasters, like, in a corner of that far ring. You come, and then you just feel.

[B]

Like maybe there's also a part of me that's like, I'm not gonna let that feeling be the reason I don't go. Right? Because there's so many people who are taking blinding photos of someone in front of you, and then. And then you walk. You just walk. Right on.

[C]

I know, it's terrible.

[B]

And they do not care. And even just between me and him, they don't want to do an interview with me solo, but if we go together, they'll do that. There's just so many things, and it is not lost on me that to get invited there is a big honor. Yes, it's a huge honor.

[A]

It is. It is.

[B]

This is why people sound ungrateful, right? Because they're going to hear it and be like, like.

[C]

Like, she's at the Golden Globe.

[B]

Boohoo.

[A]

You got nominated for a golden. You weren't as popular as Leonardo DiCaprio. So you don't want to go.

[B]

That sounds crazy.

[A]

But I just go like, so you're pointing. You know how you don't care about shit?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I go like, yeah, guess what? You caught me. I'm sensitive. Guess what? I'm guilty of being sensitive.

[B]

My goal, I guess, in life is to not have the feelings of being small. Of course, just not going is not gonna fix that.

[A]

That's very true, and I admire that. You're right. You shouldn't let an insecurity prevent you from being at the places you do want to be at.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[C]

Tom would love you. He would get so deep with you on this shit.

[A]

We'll bring our kids to this fucking farm and let them get attacked by a zonkey. Yeah, they're mauled By a pig.

[C]

She's friendly.

[A]

Okay. So interesting. So you have a healthy thing about the money. When I think about retiring. Yeah. I get really afraid of, like, am I going to go like, oh, wait, I liked my savings increasing, not diminishing. That scares me.

[C]

Well, also, that Big Bang time, I guess.

[A]

What an appropriate title.

[C]

I know. The Big Bank Time. I know I never said that before. That was good.

[B]

I know.

[A]

That just, like, came out the Big bank.

[C]

That was a really once in, like, I can't even think to be like, oh, I wish I had that again. That never crosses my mind.

[A]

I have the same thing. It's like, when this is over, this will never happen again.

[C]

It's special. This is a moment in time. And I feel that way about Big Banger. That was like its own life. I will never go back to that. I talk about it with so much love. But life is different now. It just doesn't look that way. It will never look that way again.

[B]

Right?

[A]

Right.

[C]

Just the way. Also, the business has gone and there's just no way.

[A]

How is. Oh, Norman going?

[C]

It's going great.

[A]

It is. Do you enjoy that you launched a pet food company with really cute names. Chill the fuck out or chill the f out?

[C]

A lot of F. Yeah. Like, calm the f down. Stop effy niching W. What the fuck?

[B]

Treats.

[C]

Wtf? Treats. Whole, tasty, fresh. They're really cute. The packaging is amazing and it's all super healthy ingredients. All naturally made sustainable. It's been an awesome adventure. We're two years old. I'm fully involved. Like, every name, every product, everything. I am obsessed. Because also for years, obviously because of my animal obsession, people have come to me to do something like this. And I've always said no.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

So this was now the moment to do it. And so now that I'm doing it, I want people to know that I mean it. It's so authentic to me. It's like if someone was an influencer and they're doing makeup, it makes sense for them. Like, this makes sense for me. So I want them to know that everything I'm telling you I'm doing, I'm using. I'm this and that. And I want it to feel very girl next door. So we've kind of created in a way where half the videos I'm doing on my phone, like, it's all. All just everyday stuff.

[B]

Great.

[A]

You have such a charm. She also pitched herself to be the host of the NFL honors ceremony.

[C]

Let me tell you something.

[A]

Tell me.

[C]

This is so funny. You're bringing this up. I am pissed. Last year, I thought I was getting that gig.

[A]

Yeah, how could you have not? Based on that video.

[C]

Snoop Dogg. Well, that was amazing, by the way.

[A]

He can stomach that.

[C]

This year, Jon Hamm now's hosting Get a Chick up there in a Bow.

[B]

I don't know.

[C]

I am waiting my turn. I know all about football. I know a lot, and I love it. So I feel like I'm such a good candidate for this. Yes. But now I feel like I'm getting lower on the list. And it's just funny you say this because literally two days ago in our house, I was like, jon Ham's hosting us. Yeah. When am I gonna get my shot? Put a chick up there.

[B]

Put a chick up there. And it should be you because you've been trying. You've been putting yourself out there.

[C]

Put in the effort.

[A]

I earned it.

[C]

I feel like earned it. I can be funny.

[B]

I am not mean.

[C]

I am fun. I understand the game.

[A]

Have you ever hosted anything?

[C]

Yes.

[A]

What have you hosted?

[C]

Early in my Big Bang days, I hosted People's Choice twice. Oh, wow.

[A]

Okay. That's a big affair.

[C]

Choice Awards once or twice.

[B]

I don't like this for you. I don't like what's happened.

[C]

I appreciate that it's changing me knowing that I'm not able to be this host of this NFL Honors. It drives me crazy. Then they're like, well, we'd love you to come present. I'm like, no.

[A]

I don't even know what the honors is. What is that? Is that their Academy Awards?

[C]

Yes. It's basically after the whole year. I mean, you got. You're doing mvp. You're handing out all these things.

[A]

Oh, the MVP gets it. Okay.

[C]

For a football lover, it's awesome.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

For a sports lover, it's awesome.

[A]

Great.

[C]

So it's just funny you say that because this has been hot on my mind.

[A]

She starts a video in a jersey.

[C]

Thank you. You remember this?

[A]

Yes. You had a great premise, which is I know a lot about football, but I have zero loyalty. Whoever is winning. It started with, like, so and so was in first. I loved him.

[C]

Yep.

[A]

But then so and so. Shit. The bed golf.

[C]

I'm all about God.

[A]

Like, I'm a Rams fan. I'm from la. Then the Lions crushed them. Now I'm a Lions fan.

[C]

I'm now. Oh, Kelsey. I'll go right to the Kansas City. Like, I just went through the whole thing. I like audition.

[B]

What if they ask you next year? What are you going to?

[C]

100%, yes. I'm not. Listen, I will wait, you're not petty.

[A]

No.

[C]

There was a job recently, I won't say the name of it because I feel like it's going to come out and it's going to be like, oh my God, that was the one. This just shows you, this business. It doesn't matter who you are, what you've done. I wanted this job so bad. And they kept saying, oh, you know, we're gonna go with so and so we're gonna. And okay, well if we don't go in, so and so these people kept turning it down. These different actresses.

[A]

Uh huh.

[C]

At this point I was fifth in line and I remember my team is like at this point, like, fuck them. I'm like, yeah, no, no, no, no, no, I still want this. And by the way, I did not get this job. And I laughed cause I'm like, I couldn't believe the team was like, if they actually say yes to you now, now we're saying no to them because this is getting offensive. I'm like, like I don't care. I want the year, but I do get it. And now I'm like, couldn't believe I didn't get it. I didn't get it. It'll come out by. Next time I see you, we'll talk about it. Because it'll come out.

[B]

I know, I'm curious.

[C]

I know, but it just shows you, like it doesn't matter. Yeah, they didn't want me. I wasn't right for it.

[B]

By the way.

[C]

I know I'm good.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

So if they didn't see me for that, it's okay. It doesn't mean all of a sudden I'm not good.

[A]

It wasn't talent.

[C]

No.

[A]

It's like over those insecurities.

[C]

I don't feel that way. I'm like, that's not the look they're going for. It's obvious. It's not. So okay, that's fine. But like it doesn't mean I go home. Like, oh, I guess they didn't want me. They know I'm good.

[A]

Was it to play a historical black woman? Yeah.

[C]

Isn't that weird? They wouldn't hire me to sell you.

[B]

I know you really tried, but this is insane. We don't need to see the audition tape for you.

[A]

You don't need to. No.

[C]

Please, God, no. You just can't get everything. I don't know.

[A]

Well then I guess learning about how chill you are about all of it. The one question I didn't ask you last time that I was curious. Curious about is when I look at your resume, the thing that feels like it could have been a very dicey situation was walking into Charmed season eight. Girl, was it a dicey. That was.

[C]

It's funny, you know when you do so many things and you just forget about terrible moments.

[B]

Compartmentalize.

[C]

I have to say though, I was 21 because I remember I turned 21 on that. And if I knew what I knew now, I don't think I would have ever let this happen. I started out thinking that job in their gallery shoot. Imagine this. I've never met anyone. It's their gallery shoot. Okay, for those of you a gallery shoot, you're starting season eight. You're going to go do new photos with the cast. It's an all day thing. Everyone's together and you're all wearing black and then you're all wearing red, you know, so I'm the new girl. You got alyssa Milano, Rose McGowan and Holly Marie Combs. I've never met them. Yeah, think about that. I'm joining their family photo and I'm 21. I'm the hottest I've ever been, by the way. I'm thinking I'm like the coolest thing ever, but also so terrified. I'm gonna tell you the loveliest story about Alyssa Milano. I walk in that gallery and I am so freaking nervous. It's on their lunch break. They're all in the corners eating. I walk in, Alyssa Milano sees me and I will always tell this story about her. She got up, ran over to me. Welcome to the show. Gimme the biggest hug in the world. We're so happy. You're so kind. I will never forget that. In fact, ever since then, I was like this before that moment. But I make sure I do that to anybody. Cause that was the nicest thing she could have ever done to me. It just made me feel. Oh, my God. Huge hug. So glad you're here, Rose. Maybe not as happy.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

But yeah, I don't know.

[C]

I don't know if she liked me. I don't know. But Alyssa was amazing. I was terrified. Oh, it's a weird thing coming into a show with that long too.

[A]

Year 8.

[C]

I was year 8 and I only did the one season. I think about that with Big Bang because obviously I started Big Bang after that. We were on that show for 12 years. You know each other so well.

[A]

12 years.

[B]

12.

[C]

So anyone that came in, I was very aware of, like, this must be so weird for you. So I always remembered that from Alyssa to this day. And I was like that before that. But still you got to go the extra mile in a situation like this. Well, because it's weird. It's walking into someone's family dinner.

[B]

It's so weird. Yes.

[C]

Everyone's close. That's tough.

[A]

Well, add in the hotness is not great either.

[C]

And I was super hot.

[A]

Yeah. It's not helpful.

[C]

I can this 20 years ago. I don't think that helped. She's hot now.

[A]

She's also a horse lover. She might have smelt out animals.

[C]

She had a chihuahua there. She was amazing.

[A]

How many dogs do you have in your house?

[C]

We have four.

[A]

Okay. That's totally reasonable.

[C]

Crazy. It's a low number for us.

[A]

I thought it was going to be much scarier.

[C]

We're usually at the six mark. I love rescuing seniors so they don't last as long.

[A]

And how's the barking in the house?

[C]

Insane. Horrible.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

You want to get anything done in our house?

[A]

Don't even help me understand how you guys are fine with that. Cuz I live with a tremendous amount of barking.

[C]

I have nothing to say to you. It's terrible.

[A]

It's all the time.

[C]

See a leaf?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

There's a squirrel. There's a visitor. The door bird rings.

[C]

At this point, I think I do want to black out our front door. Cuz I think anything now.

[A]

Maybe put eye patches over them for at least a couple hours of the day so we can blind listen.

[C]

There's annoying. There's no way to tell you. It's.

[A]

How does Tom feel about it?

[C]

He hates it.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

He's like, I can't do a zoom. I go, I know. Don't even try to get work done in this house.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

So if you want to have a phone call if you want to do it. Anything you want to think you want.

[A]

To take a nap.

[C]

You got to get the kid out of the house to get the dog. It's totally insane.

[A]

Here's another thing. While I'm airing my grievances.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

We got one dog that'll just eat anything that's in the trash. Tampon. We've had that. My poor sister had to pull a tampon on one of their butts mid dump.

[C]

We call that garbage gut. And we have a dog like that too.

[A]

So I have to have a rack in my bathroom for my fucking trash can. Because the dog will just make a shit sty of everything he goes through. Everything. I have to pull my trash can out of this little cart I have. And I'm like this Is madness.

[C]

It's a lifestyle. At this point, there's nothing. Everything you're saying has happened to us.

[B]

It's sweet that they're seniors, though. That's nice.

[C]

Seniors. And we decided to adopt a Cane Corso. Do you know this breed?

[B]

No.

[C]

We have a Cane Corso. She's.

[A]

Yes, yes, yes.

[C]

She's two. She's awful. We love her. I mean, Tom's like, we got to have a big dog. I understand. I like both. We rescued a puppy, King Corso, and she's eating our house. And when I say that.

[B]

So walls.

[C]

Yeah, walls.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[C]

Of walls.

[A]

Just ruining your home.

[C]

The yard. We have no yard anymore.

[B]

I know what you're going to do. Not have them. That's what a lot of people.

[C]

We have to have them. I have to have them.

[A]

I know.

[B]

I think it's.

[C]

It's a sickness. It's a problem.

[A]

It would make the most sense that you guys lived in a tent in the backyard and just gave them the house.

[C]

Oh, oh, we live in their house. I love when people come to our house and they go, oh, should we take our shoes off? I'm like, leave your shoes on because.

[A]

I don't know what you're going to step in for.

[C]

Your own health. This is not our home. Like, we live in a dog park. Please wear your shoes in our house.

[A]

I will acknowledge the only upside is there's no way your house is ever getting robbed. Right. If someone comes up, it's got to be a cough of fucking chaos with.

[C]

Our Corso is the scariest thing I've ever seen. Do the dogs sleep with you? This is the biggest.

[A]

We've had all kinds of waves. I did have to create a little boundary. I need at least one area of this house that is dog free. And so that became our bedroom. But that quickly eroded. So basically now one of the dogs is allowed to be on the bed. The other one's not okay, which is insanely mean, But I don't give a fuck.

[C]

I know.

[A]

I know the ones is looking at the one, I'm like, yeah, I'm sorry, you're a piece of shit. And this one's slightly less. Piece of shit.

[C]

Yeah, 100%.

[A]

Like, is there one room we can dedicate? Is that on the table? Even if you guys agree to it, that quickly goes out the window. It's like, oh, he's so lonely. I'm like, this motherfucker's supposed to be living in the woods.

[C]

No, I know the bed thing with the dogs. And Tom loves Dogs. But the problem is because we have two that are so old, they do that thing where they're up a lot. You know, it's the roaming, the crawling, the dementia. The dementia. No, it is.

[A]

Oh.

[C]

And so it's a little while we're barking at 3am at the WAL, he was like, I can't do this anymore. And I'm like, I understand. So he started sleeping in the guest room.

[B]

Yeah. That's what happens.

[C]

Which, by the way, game changer.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I feel like people need to embrace that.

[C]

I'll tell you why.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah. Tom is a night owl. Goes to bed very late. I go to bed earlier because I'm the one who gets up until in the morning. And then we have help during the day, but I'm up with her in the morning. If he's not working, he will tell you. He is a night owl. He writes at night, he reads. It's his quiet time. So he's up late and wakes up late. On a non working day, we establish this from day one. I go to bed early and I wake up early. We're totally on different sleeping schedules.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

So I get up with Matilda. I'm tiptoeing around the bedroom. Matilda, Daddy, you know. And I'm like, why are we. He's like, I can't sleep. Then he wakes up, he can't go back to sleep. Then he's mad. It's terrible. The dogs are like, now it's 5am, it's time to go out. Like, it's just like. He's like, why do you. How do you feel if I sleep in that other room? We do couples therapy and we love it. It's amazing.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

So he brings us up and at first I'm like, what will people think?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And he's like, I never see you at night. I don't see him. It's not our sexy time. We don't cuddle, we don't see each other at night. He goes, why do you care? And I sat there and I went, God, I don't care. And he goes, let's try it. Game changer.

[A]

He's happy. You're happy.

[C]

100%. Nothing happens but sleep in those beds. He didn't move into the bathroom, but he sleeps down. Sleeps great. No dogs in his way. I'm up with Matilda at 7am she comes in bed with me. I can turn things on. I don't have to worry about waking him up. It just works for us.

[A]

Yeah. Yes, yes, yes, yes.

[C]

We don't go walking to the bedroom holding hand in hand to watch a TV show together.

[A]

That's why you were never doing that.

[C]

Never doing that. And he kind of explained that. But he's like, what are you losing by this? Because I thought, this is not good.

[A]

Appearance is all you're losing.

[C]

I really thought that. And my brain didn't realize it was that, But I thought, this doesn't look good. And he's like, do you see me at night?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

And I'm like, I don't, because I'm always asleep when he comes to bed. But I had to realize that because it. It hit me in a way that I thought it didn't look good. Best decision we ever made. It's hysterical. And he sleeps better. There's no dogs in his bed. I can handle the dogs. And batter to me.

[A]

So beautiful.

[C]

We had this realization, but I didn't know why I thought it was so looked down upon.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

There are so many ideas. I mean, same with what you were saying about kids. There's so many ideas of what is a good marriage or what is a good partnership. And it's all so stupid in arbitrary.

[A]

I think we just saw it on tv, right? A, so you're like, well, that's not what I saw on T100%. B. When I grew up, when there was a stepdad around, we didn't have the extra room for that to even been an option. So I don't know if they would have preferred that. It was never modeled.

[C]

Exactly. It was never modeled and it was never talked about. This is kind of a new thing. People are talking a lot about this now too. It's kind of interesting. And it definitely was like, no one about that.

[B]

Sleep now is getting so much more conversation.

[C]

Everyone's like, you need it.

[B]

You have to get it, or you'll die. It takes, like, 30 years off your life if you don't get this.

[C]

It's like, oh, God, My.

[B]

My God, no.

[C]

We're such happier people now after deciding. And it's so funny because as I've been preaching this time being like, I don't care. I don't care what people say about my parenting. And then I got so worried about what this looks like, and I realized, who cares? It works great for us. We're, like, so much happier.

[A]

You're gonna suffer to make other people happy.

[C]

And to be like, what did it look like? It was just funny because we had to talk about it in our session. Because he really was so funny. He's like, what are you losing by this happening. I was like, literally nothing.

[B]

Right.

[A]

It's just all, big win.

[C]

We love our TV time together, but we've do that in bed.

[A]

You're not rolling over and fucking in the middle of the night.

[C]

You're not those people. I need to sleep. Yeah, we need to sleep.

[B]

Do you think maybe, though, that has to do with some trauma around Divorce me?

[C]

Yeah, the sleeping, the.

[B]

Well, just like, oh, no, if we're not sleeping together, like, is next step this.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

Or what does it look like? Because everyone knows I've had these divorces. I think all that went through my brain really quickly. And then I. I realized I'm actually doing something really good for my relationship.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Okay, let's talk about vanished. How did vanished come your way?

[C]

There were a lot of boxes that were checked for me with this. Although I was terrified to go across the country, away from my daughter was only like two at the time. So I was like, am I doing.

[A]

This in the show? I watched the pilot last night. You're in Paris? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

The whole show is about this trip that happens in France. When they said we were going to shoot there, I was like, oh, my God. Like, how am I going to do this? And I had just spent basically six months prior to that in Philadelphia with Tom while he was shooting tasks.

[B]

Right.

[C]

I went there and he did that, and I was like, Mrs. Mom. And it was amazing. And then when this came up, I was like, six months in Philadelphia feels different than going two months in France. How do we do this? Am I going alone? Are you coming with me? Am I making my kid go? I didn't want to make her go, but do I leave her? It definitely messed with me. There were so many years where I would have fellow mom friends who kind of would be tormented over these decisions. And I have to admit, I would kind of be like, fucking fine. Leave her. Who cares?

[B]

Like, they don't care.

[C]

I regret ever saying that because it did mess with me on how I'm gonna do that. So I fully take that back. So it was kind of a big decision to go, but the script was so fun, and two months isn't eternal, and Tom was encouraging me to go do this. He's like, we'll take care of everything here. And he was so great about it. If there was even 2% less of what he gave, I don't think I would have gone. It's a lot. He was kind of Mr.

[A]

Mom.

[C]

We have tons of help. But he did a lot while I was go those few months. And he had the time of his life with her, and she was having so much fun.

[B]

Yeah. Special.

[A]

Yeah, it's really special.

[C]

Special. Yeah. It was sweet. And she could care less that I was gone. I was just talking about this yesterday, the amount of times I would call and she was doing something.

[B]

She's like, I can't make it to the phone.

[C]

Literally, like in a class, on a play date. It wasn't like she was like, where's Mommy? Which is what you want. You don't want her asking where I am. And it was great. I went in this adventure and it was, like, so fun. And it's only four episodes, like, so quick. And I don't know, it was kind of a fun blip in time.

[A]

It's an awesome thriller.

[B]

It's fun.

[A]

Stay tuned for more Armchair Expert if you dare. So we meet you, and you are an archaeologist.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

And you are coming back from Albania, where you've been on a dig, and you're meeting up with your English boyfriend.

[C]

My boyfriend.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

He's like a Doctors Without Borders.

[B]

Stuff like that guy.

[C]

Yes. Okay.

[A]

And we learn right out of the Gates, they've met in Paris to join up. And we learn. Right. That you're going to get a job as a professor in Princeton.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

By the way, this is kind of mirroring you and Tom.

[C]

So you watched.

[A]

I watched the.

[C]

You got a lot of detail. Thank you. You're not even reading it. You're literally saying it.

[A]

I just watched it. Don't give me too much credit. So we've got a interpersonal challenge on our hands. Will these two vagabonds settle down in New Jersey? And you teach at Princeton. What's interesting is I'm watching that scene and I'm like, does he want to go? That's what you're trying to figure out?

[C]

You're trying to read him.

[A]

What are you going to say? No, I'm not going to join you. They've been together for four years, and so it's looking pretty promising. He says he's in. And then we find out he's got this magical trip. He's going to take you to this hotel they couldn't afford. But he called in a favor. Now we're going to go. Now we're on a train, and this is romantic. And we think they're going to maybe get engaged.

[C]

I fall asleep on the train, which I'm good at. They caught me for real. They said, get this, because it's so real. And I was like, okay, I'm ready to go. Now I'm going off on tangents. I'm very claustrophobic to the point of detrimental. It's ruining my life.

[A]

What are you doing on an airplane? You're in a tube.

[B]

It's tough.

[A]

It's tough.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

That's why you sleep everywhere. You're kind of like it might be disassociating from life.

[C]

I can't even sit in a Tesla. That front thing, sure. So the train really messed up. Okay, so wake up on the train.

[A]

Here on the train. And he takes a phone call.

[C]

Yes. I wake up on a moving train and he's gone, hence the vanishing. And I'm running up down the train, I'm trying to find him. And no idea what happened to him. I think, did the train stop? Was I napping when it stopped? Did he get off? And she gets off at the next stop and she's lost in this country and she's in Marseille, France, and she is like, I don't know what the hell to do goes. The authorities, they seem a little off. She meets a reporter. Where did he go and did he leave on purpose? And it's kind of this strange mystery. And it's like she just go home or does her curiosity make her want to find? I mean, Marseille, where we shot. The background of this show is very small. So once I learned that, because I swear I saw that entire city over two months, I'm like, you could find someone here. It's a port town. Unless they got on a boat. She could look for him for a minute. You could believe that. She could, if she tried really hard, maybe actually figure this out.

[A]

But the French inspector is a prick. Yeah, he's very condescending. Little misogyny. Had.

[C]

Yeah, for sure.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[C]

And a lot of maybe. Maybe he isn't who I thought he would, you know, that's the TV I love.

[B]

I love it tv.

[C]

I love a whodunit. I love, like, ooh, you're not who we thought you were.

[A]

Okay, well, the very last frame of the pilot, which I will not give away, but she does discover something where you really go, oh, my goodness.

[C]

Yeah, he's definitely not who we think he is.

[A]

What he's presented as. I didn't trust him to begin with.

[C]

I mean, who does that? He's too charming, he's too cute, he's sweet. He's doing too many good things. Mr. Help.

[B]

Is it Benji or do you have to wait? We're week to week binging. Okay, thank God.

[C]

I think. You know what?

[B]

We don't know we don't know.

[C]

I actually don't know that. I've never worked with MGM before.

[A]

Is that not part of the.

[C]

They've been lovely. Nothing's part of anything.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

This is all 97 different things.

[B]

This is where we're at.

[C]

I know.

[B]

Too many. Yeah, yeah.

[C]

But they've been amazing and they are part of Prime. So eventually this will be on prime, but it's gonna start mgm, the amount of television now, it's incredible. But it's so widespread. It is. What do you see? What do you watch? It's fragmented. And you would also think that would mean so many.

[B]

I know.

[C]

That's what I'm confused about.

[B]

I agree. It's like they're not making anything.

[C]

We're not working. I know. It blows my mind.

[B]

I think there's a lot of reality. Well, there's a lot of dogs.

[A]

The strike in the new contract really fucked things up. That's a fact.

[C]

It started with COVID I think ruined everything, and then it never survived. And then that pushed over the edge.

[A]

This is four episodes. Christmas show, I think is 10.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Shows are eight.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

It's not like 24. So you're going to get paychecks for 24. Who's doing.

[C]

Doing 24 now? Pit, is that who still is doing full season?

[B]

No, I think it's 14 or 15. It feels like a ton. So we're not used to that anymore. But it's not.

[C]

It's not 22 or anything. I feel like they're one of the ones that do more than normal. I thought it was 24. 15. Oh, it's 15. Okay. I made that up. I was thinking of a day because.

[A]

It is one day, but I think it's a shift one.

[C]

Detailed and so intense that I'm like, how do you do that?

[A]

Do you love that show?

[C]

I think it's fantastic. I have never been happier for an actor in my life than Noah. The Noah renaissance is making me so happy. The noa, sans him winning, you know when you see someone really deserve it. Yeah. That is just a good feel. And the nicest guy. Has he been on this show?

[A]

I actually went up to him at the Emmys last year because I was a plus one. I just wanted to introduce myself to him and tell him how much Monica loves him. He said, oh, I've been on your hayride. I do a hayride in my neighborhood for Halloween. And I'm like, what do you mean you're on my hayride? He's like, yeah, I was on your hayride. I'm like, well, why wouldn't you have said hi? He's like, oh, I didn't want to bother you. You were driving the thing, like, with his kids. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the nicest dude ever.

[C]

I love seeing people that have been doing this a long time and they have, like, this another moment.

[B]

It's cool.

[A]

Also, the lift of that show, like, when I'm watching it, I'm panicked because of the stakes. Yes. But then I'm panicked as an actor.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[A]

I'm like, how in the fuck do you memorize all that? Medical jar again? And let it rip like it's your second language, like you really know it.

[C]

Not a chance. You couldn't pay me enough money. Just FYI, I ain't any medical show. I don't want to be a lawyer.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Like, I've got limits now.

[A]

Sure.

[C]

I just won't.

[B]

Yeah. Boundaries.

[C]

I won't. I am amazed by people that can do that.

[A]

Oh, well, Kaylee, I adore you. You're such a fun guest.

[C]

I know how fun.

[B]

You have to come back.

[A]

Vanish is great. And it's a. Who done it? It's a mystery. It's a thriller. You're an investigator. You walk up steep hills.

[B]

Oh, that's hard.

[A]

You find pieces of gum.

[C]

I walk up a lot of.

[A]

That's hard.

[C]

And I run a lot.

[A]

Oh, I run a lot.

[C]

Run all over Marseille. Wow.

[A]

Okay. Out on MGM plus now, just another.

[C]

Streamer for you guys to invest in.

[A]

Stream the out of it.

[C]

All right, we'll do this again. Thank you. I'm bringing Tom next time.

[A]

Oh, please.

[C]

Thank you, guys.

[A]

Stay tuned for the Fact Check so you can hear all the facts that were wrong.

[B]

Okay, let's address the elephant in the room.

[A]

Oh, God. What is the elephant in the room?

[B]

It looks like I have lip filler.

[A]

Okay. I didn't think that. You didn't know. I was just talking to you for a good 40.

[B]

You didn't think it?

[A]

No.

[B]

Not once, Even when I first walked in. Because it does look like it's gone down a little bit.

[A]

No.

[B]

Okay, well, when I woke up, I was like, oh, no, my top lip really looks like I have thick filler in there. But it's because I have a very. A small but significant under the skin pimple right above my lip, so it's, like, swollen.

[A]

Okay. You at least have a good explanation.

[B]

Yeah, that's. But it looked wild.

[A]

I don't think anyone.

[B]

I already have prominent lips, so it's. It looked really weird. I don't know.

[A]

You can have too prom. Well, yeah. Too prominent. If it looks very surgical.

[B]

Right.

[A]

We have a guest coming up and the two of you. Two of you are just embarrassing the world with the lips.

[B]

Oh, I didn't notice hers.

[A]

Or did you didn't?

[B]

No. Maybe we talked about it.

[A]

Indian blindness, I think.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. I think internalized racism.

[B]

Couldn't even see it.

[A]

Couldn't see.

[B]

I do think some Indians have bigger lips. I think that's probably genetic and hereditary.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But my mom doesn't really have big lips.

[A]

I don't think your grandma's got a beautiful set of kissers on her. Look at her over there.

[B]

Oh, I guess puckered up.

[A]

She's begging for a smooch right there.

[B]

Oh, I guess you're right.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

My mom probably does. Then have the same. And I guess I do.

[A]

It's been. It's been too long since I stared at her. She's just gorgeous. She is. I wonder. She shaved the side of her hair. This guest that's coming up. I will say one thing too. Like, none of her bio or anything. Could I. Did it mention anything about ethnicity? But then I was going through her Instagram, there was a photo of this guest, her and her husband wedding. And he's a cocktail saucasoid.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

But he was in.

[B]

He was dressed up.

[A]

Yeah. I want to say not emboldened, not embossed. Not something that means like beautified.

[B]

Oh, nice.

[A]

Yeah, he was. He was like, regal.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. Resplendent. Oh, that's what I wanted to say. He was resplendent in Pakistani traditional wedding gear.

[B]

Oh, nice. I think my dad wore a suit.

[C]

Suit.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm picturing the picture. Their wedding picture. And I'm pretty sure he's in a suit. Although he's starting a Easter egg. A medication is vitamin.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

A probiotic we had a guest on and. And they have a product that's not normal for us, but they had a product that we all wanted, so we all got it and I sent it to my dad and he's given it a whirl.

[A]

How many days. Days into it is he?

[B]

I think only a couple days.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

But I'm gonna check in.

[A]

I'm gonna try it. If you ever bring it over, you're holding it hostage. I guess maybe when you move into your house. Exactly. Hopefully. I hope that makes the move is.

[B]

All I can hope it's refrigerated, which.

[A]

Means it will or won't make them. I could see you just leaving. Like, don't even open the fridge and just walk out the door. Do you want to keep it as an office? That's kind of dumb thoughts I have.

[B]

No, I already. I've been. For years, I've been like, what am I gonna do? Am I gonna keep it? Am I going to. Yeah. Use it as an office? When I, like, have an office.

[A]

Like, it's a crazy thing.

[B]

Also, that apartment is. Is notoriously where I don't like to do work, where I always leave to go work. So that would be very silly for me to keep it as a place to do work. But I often make silly decisions.

[A]

Yeah. There's some kind of loss bias because, as you know, I had this apartment in Santa Monica. It was $600 a month. Yeah. I mean, anything. Even when I left, they're allowed to raise it 5% a year or whatever. I think it was up, you know, 675, maybe. We were at. Yeah. And then when I left, Bree stayed there for a year, and she. She even called me. She's like, you know, all right, I'm going to be moving out. Do you. I know you had thoughts about you. And I'm like, yeah. Should I keep it? It's close to the beach. I mean, all these dumb things.

[B]

Things you never do.

[A]

Just because I can't stand the thought of. I know. At that point, that apartment was probably 1800amonth.

[B]

Yeah, I know.

[A]

And you. I feel like I'm giving up twelve hundred dollars a month. I know. Which is. It doesn't make any sense whatsoever. Whatsoever. But that's what it feels like.

[B]

That's boy math. As opposed to girl math.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

But I get it. I have the same thing. I'm like, that apartment's gonna skyrocket as soon as I leave.

[A]

Yeah. And you're losing that money. Yeah.

[B]

Somehow that's money out of my pocket. Which makes no sense because currently I'm paying rent and a mortgage, so all I'm doing is not paying rent anymore. Which I need to be doing.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

Anyway. But it's all up to.

[A]

The real windfall of money is to not be paying the rent. Exactly. Not getting the rent.

[B]

I know.

[C]

Why do I.

[B]

Our brains. Our brains do this? Well, we learned about. We Easter egg. We learned about it.

[A]

We're getting a real jump on today. This year.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That's what we're doing.

[B]

Sure are. An attachment is actually not about this, but it. I somehow connect it and the word works. It works. It works.

[A]

When it works, you work it.

[B]

Yeah, work it.

[A]

You're worth It. That's what we say at the end of our prayer.

[B]

You know, it works.

[A]

You work.

[C]

It's funny that.

[B]

It's funny that we had that guest on about attachment because I was thinking the other day about me being little and I was so shy and so attached to my parents.

[A]

Yeah, it's hard to imagine.

[B]

It's very hard to imagine. And I. And I was thinking, thinking like, oh, that's so sad for them.

[A]

For the parent. Yes.

[B]

Like, they probably were annoyed by it, so they probably caused it, so I don't feel bad anymore. But like, I was like, so, like, I had to be with them and near them at all times. And now, like, they just want me to call.

[A]

This is the heartbreak of parents.

[B]

I. That sounds like, I don't understand how parents do that. That sounds. That's too much.

[A]

Yeah, it's.

[C]

That's so heartbreaking.

[A]

Creeping our way. Yeah, it's just heartbreaking. Oh, which brings me to my ding, ding, ding.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

So I have brought Lincoln to Disneyland for her birthday.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I think for four years straight or something.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Maybe five. Delta rightly so, is like, what's all this bullshit? She gets to go every year.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

And then I tried to say, well, you get a roller skating party.

[B]

And she's like, that's your party.

[A]

You rightly said, that's your party. Yeah, I didn't have a roll rebuttal for that. At any rate, I'm like, yeah, she hasn't been to Disneyland in forever. We live so close. You can go. And then she is different than Lincoln because when we go, it's me, Charlie, Ace, and Lincoln always. So I'm very dialed in. You know, we're interacting. Because she's more like, probably you when you were a kid. Right. She's like, pretty glued to me in a great way. Lincoln.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then so I asked Delta and she's like, okay. I was so, you know, she starts listening virtually her whole client class. And I'm like, okay, we got to pair this down.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So we got it down to four girls. There was four girls.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And one of the girls got dropped off. And I said, have you met Ryan Hansen? And she's like, no, like, of course. Like, I just picture an adult asking me. I was a little kid, but I know another adult.

[B]

Yeah, of course.

[A]

I don't know Ryan. Anyways, I'm like, well, listen, you think Disneyland's going to be the highlight of this trip? And oh, my friend, you are wrong. It is going to be Ryan Hansen. He's the world's funnest dad and he really is. I'm so glad I had him. God, is he a good time. He was a party pumper. If people don't remember, people don't know as an occupation and high school.

[B]

That's right.

[A]

Professional party pumper. And he is not, he has not.

[B]

Given up this job.

[A]

No, he's still on it. So we left at three and heavy, heavy traffic. Ryan had a playlist.

[B]

Oh nice.

[A]

And we went down there and we checked into the hotel and as we were checking in, the girls are like, they're running way ahead of us in the hallway and we're talking about like it's so fun. Hallways are so fun when you're a kid. I know a hotel hallway, like you feel like you're running so fast cuz there's. The doors are next to you so they're like whipping by. You think you're going 60 miles an hour and it's really soft cuz it's carpet. So it's like irresistible. So they're like, they're, they're, they're flying down the thing. And I said to Ryan, I said, well I hope this isn't one of those trips, you know, like I said, you know, you never. Four girls cannot go to Vegas together. Four girls go to Vegas together. Two of them are going to be on the bottom of the elevator crying, drunk at one point going, Becky's such a. She never pays attention. Can I tell you, can I tell you how many times the elevator doors have opened in Vegas and I'm watching one girl on the ground crying while the three girls are like, I'm going.

[B]

To blame that more on the alcohol and the.

[A]

Then there is an interesting dynamic.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh for sure.

[A]

Like you could go. Four guys go to Vegas. They, they just never had. No one ever ends up, no one ever ends up on the bottom of the elevator. Like someone might be over someone's shoulder because they blacked out.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Passed out.

[B]

But there's not really that or they're in jail.

[A]

No one's emotions ever get triggered on the.

[B]

They're, they're sad emotions. Anger emotions, I think get triggered.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That's fair. I just know it can get real messy when you get four.

[B]

I've been, I mean I've, I've done that. It's. Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

Stay tuned for more Armchair Expert if you dare. It's just so funny.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

It's also sleepovers, girls, sleepovers. There's always someone that has to call their mom to go home. Home Cuz they're upset and there's like a click.

[A]

Like somehow there's a click and then.

[B]

Everyone like, oh yeah, brutal.

[A]

Also, the room had. It was two rooms adjoining with a little living room in the middle.

[B]

Uhhuh.

[A]

And so one of the rooms had two queen size beds or two double, whatever that size is that you get in a room with two beds and then the other room had a king size bed. Okay. And before we left and all talking about like, this is great. Ryan will sleep with his daughter, I'll sleep with my daughter. The other two girls will sleep in a king sized bed. Bob's your uncle. Great. Okay, so five minutes into being in the hotel room, that's not going to be the plan. They all want to sleep together in the same room. And I'm like, yeah, that does make sense.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But then, you know, then it's you.

[B]

And Ryan have to.

[A]

Yes. So Ryan's like, oh yeah, I'll sleep on the couch. I'm like, you don't have to sleep on the couch. I sleep in bed with Aaron. We can sleep in the king's ice be.

[B]

Oh, but why didn't you guys just each take a queen and the girls.

[A]

Take four and a queen. Four in the king. There's only one king.

[B]

Right.

[A]

You can put four girls in one.

[B]

They wanted to all be in the.

[A]

Same bed in the same room. So they've commandeered the room with two beds. I thought Ryan and I were going to be.

[B]

Got it.

[A]

But no, now the, now the dads are sleeping together and Ryan and I both are gassy. Like I'm already thinking, oh no. Yeah. Like, and Ryan would admit this.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

In my family, I'm the gaseous. I'll own that. And I often I have a thing called out and away. And you know about out and away. Anytime we're together and I got a toot, dad goes outside the house and I pull my pants down and I fart and then I pull my. And that's out and away. And then I pull him back up. That way none of the toot is in my clothes when I walk back inside. I could not be more courteous about this.

[B]

The paparazzi is going to catch you doing this one day.

[A]

Well, I'd be proud to stand by out in a way. It's a great policy if your dad use out in a way, you just step out the front door. You can even spread your cheeks if you want. Make sure everything.

[B]

Oh no. What if poop comes out?

[A]

Out isn't the mo isn't the most important part. It's the away out and away. So I'm thinking, fuck me. And we do have a little balcony. As you already can tell, it's a very privileged trip. We have a great room. We've got a balcony and we have a shared living room. So.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah. And I'm like, so I know. And Ryan would be the first to admit this. He farts twice as much as I do.

[B]

He farts a lot.

[A]

He's a big, big farter. And what I applaud about it. Oh, that's even cute. Someone tooted on the write up.

[B]

Oh, a kid.

[A]

And someone's like, who farted? Oh, and the dead quiet. And I go, gang, it doesn't matter who farted, but definitely someone shit their pants, but it doesn't matter who. And then Delta's like, I think it's the smell from outside. And I roll the window down and I go, no, it's definitely not that. And then. But I'm saying, no one has to take responsibility. I go, we don't need to shame anyone. We all toot. And Ryan's like, you know, I'd admit it. And I'm like, I do know that about Ryan. He's so good about that. He. As much as he does fart, he also takes responsibility every time.

[B]

Okay, if I'm a girl in that car.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm so like, I right now.

[A]

I'm gonna suss it out.

[B]

No, Delta is perfect. She did the exact right thing that you're supposed to do. You're supposed to be like, it wasn't anyone in here. It was outside smell.

[A]

We don't need to trade on lies. We can run it this head on and we can just go. We don't need to single anyone out and embarrass anyone. It's embarrassing when you toot. That was my point.

[B]

My God, I'm.

[A]

We don't need to pretend now. You don't sell me a fake reality. If I'm the person didn't fart, I'd be like, it doesn't. It's not from outside.

[B]

No, Dax, everyone can just be like, yeah, it's outside smell.

[A]

Oh, yeah, it's really smelly out there. And in here too, now.

[B]

Yeah, that's what you do for your friends.

[A]

God, it was the dog. There's no dog in the car. Anywho, I am thinking this is gonna be an interesting evening with Ryan and I sharing the same.

[B]

But Aaron toots a lot, right?

[A]

He does. But as you know, I don't care about his. I have passed that.

[B]

So you're not there yet with Ryan.

[A]

Because I didn't, like, grow up sharing a room with Ryan. His. His farts still smell like farts to me.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I'm just like, oh, Aaron's around. That's comforting.

[B]

One time we were all together and Aaron farted, and I.

[A]

You were mad.

[B]

I was mad about it.

[A]

Yeah. Was it in the rv?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It was the same weekend he kept everyone up from.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

It was a real one, two punch. And I remember being like, I've never. I've never smelt this smell before.

[A]

Absolutely. We were just talking about it with the kids. They were saying, my farts bad. And I said, they are. I said, but, you know, errands are significantly worse.

[B]

His are that one time I only smell. I've only experienced it once. But yeah. You weren't like, even paying any attention.

[A]

No. This is. Was an ongoing joke when we all worked together, Me and all my friends worked for my mom because we were constantly in cars sitting at airports waiting for journalists to come. Right. So we were in cars so much together.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And Aaron would fart. And our thing with Aaron was that a doctor would be able to smell this fart and go like, oh, yeah, you have cancer answer. Like, we were like, some medically is going wrong with you. And a good doctor would be able to tell what's. And then we always had this joke too, that Aaron needed a frame off restoration. That's when. Like the car so trash. You got to pull it all apart.

[B]

You got to like a page one.

[A]

Yeah. So our thing was that the doctor would smell his fart and say, I'm so sorry, but you need a frame off restoration. We gotta go down to the frame and strip the rust off.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Any who. Poor Aaron, he just got caught in this.

[B]

I'm sorry.

[A]

But anyway, so we're gonna sleep together.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah. And then sure enough, someone comes in.

[B]

What are you guys wearing?

[A]

We were nude.

[B]

No, but were you wearing, like, boxers? Both.

[A]

I. I wear. I have pajama pants and a. And a wife beater.

[B]

And what did you sleep in?

[A]

I think boxers and a T shirt.

[B]

Oh, my God. Did you get butterflies?

[A]

No. No. Weird things were happening. I'll tell you, weird things did happen happen. But of course, someone comes in again, we're not gonna name names. It doesn't matter who farted. But we are told that the sleeping arrangement's not gonna work out. This is. Two people don't wanna sleep with each other. And I'm like, we'll figure it out. I don't know what you guys think's gonna happen. We're not sleeping on the ground, so.

[B]

Right.

[A]

You know.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But so and so. And I go, yeah, that's yalls problem. Like there are two beds.

[B]

See, it is Vegas.

[A]

Two of you can definitely sleep in this bed together.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

So I think someone ended up getting couch cushions and really. Yes, yes. I'm saying these girls, they didn't.

[B]

Because why?

[A]

I don't. Who knows? Who knows what goes on with you guys?

[B]

I already, oh, I feel bad for the person who the other person didn't want to sleep with.

[A]

Oh, Jesus. Yeah, I, I, I just knew I know the limits of my skill set and there's no way I was going to be able to figure that out for those four.

[B]

Do you think this all started with the four fart? It was like, oh, I know she farted. I'm not sleeping in a bed with her.

[A]

Could have been, I don't know. Reap what you sow, you fart in a closed loop system.

[B]

That's why you always say it's outside smell.

[A]

God.

[B]

Okay, so then that's bad.

[A]

But it was, but I don't want to put too big of a point. It's not, it wasn't a big. Everything worked out fine. They all slept in that bedroom.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

You know, so it all worked out. But I was like, here we go.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

We go out at night into Downtown Disney. Wonderful dinner.

[B]

Oh yum.

[A]

It was so fun. We're sitting like in the little courtyard. Great people watching.

[B]

Are they getting along, the girls?

[A]

Oh yeah, everyone's getting along. Everyone's having a great time. Walked around, just had a blast. Watch these little girls skip and run all around.

[B]

So much fun.

[A]

Yeah. I was so happy for him. And then we went to bed and I'm going to tell you, for whatever reason, I didn't have much. I didn't have to out and away much, which was a blessing.

[B]

Okay. It's going to be time.

[A]

Fine. What's that?

[B]

Like one or two times or.

[A]

I outed in a way once in the bathroom.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah. But in an evening here at home, I'm out and away six times. You are sure. I'm also in a phase, as you know. I've picked up my fiber intake a lot and that is radically affected how much out in the way we do.

[B]

Okay. You used to have a fart pillow for people who don't remember.

[A]

At the old house when I was a bachelor. Yeah. It was a leather couch. You can't get away with anything on a leather couch. That was the problem. Tactical blender. And it's so weird because dudes like leather couches more than anyone I know. Guys are like, okay, me, a leather couch? Yeah. Let me make fun of guys for a while.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Leather's tough. Let me get a cool leather. It's like a leather jacket, but it's a couch that is uncomfortable. And then your farts and your farts ricochet off.

[B]

Gross. Okay. Anyway, so you only had one out and away in the bathroom. And then what happened with Ryan?

[A]

Well, then we got in bed, and we started watching TV together. And we were casting, but it wasn't working all that hot. So then we were. We were relegated back to cable tv, which is great. It's fun in a hotel room, because I don't. I don't flick through channels.

[B]

It is fun. I agree.

[A]

We gave a couple things a shot. We bailed early. That was good. And then we got to two. 30 for 30s. Oh, love 30 for 30.

[B]

Me too.

[A]

And we turn on one. There's one about basketball, and there's one about a football player. Player. I'm like, well, I think Ryan likes football. More basketball. So let's watch the football one. Turn that on. And right away, the player, he's like, Christian. And I go, oh, yeah, he's a Christian. He goes, yeah. Every time the guy played, my dad was like, he's a Christian. And I said, would your dad call out Christians? And he's like, yo, yeah, like anyone he knew. And I was like, that's great. Yeah. Well, then, lo and behold, every single interview was in a church.

[B]

Oh, wow.

[A]

Turns out this guy was a pastor, this NFL football player. Then it turns out this entire, entire 30 for 30 is about him being a pastor.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

And I was like, this is. Hold on. I come for sports. Like, if someone's religious, that's not worthy. I don't need to see how religious someone is as a documentary. I need to see, like, the impossible sport accolade. That's why I watch it.

[B]

Well, to be fair, There is a 30 for 30 on OJ and it is a little sports, but it's a lot of murder.

[A]

You can give me murder in place of sports achievement, but you can't get. Give me someone's, like, devotion to a book.

[B]

Okay, that's fair.

[A]

And it's not. Again, we're talking about uniqueness in this country. Right now. There's 200 million practicing Christians, so clearly being a Christian isn't worthy. It doesn't select for anything.

[B]

Yeah, sure.

[A]

NFL, you're already one in. Whatever you are. One in 10,000. Then if you're a legendary player, you're one in. You know the numbers. If you're a murderer. Very few murderers. Very.

[B]

Thank God. Knock on wood.

[A]

All to say. I said I see what you're doing, Ryan. God's intervening right now and somehow he made a 30 for 30. That's singularly about Christianity. We're having fun with that because Ryan's a very devout Christian. He is. And I'm not.

[B]

But he's very. He's not trying to.

[A]

He's not judgmental. He doesn't. No. He's never tried to convince me I should be one. But then my joke becomes that he has orchestrated this whole thing.

[B]

Of course.

[A]

All to say I. I didn't experience any issues.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Olfactory wise.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

But he did tell me when we woke up that he had woke himself up with a fart that was so.

[C]

Loud and his scary.

[A]

And I was like oh man. And I was just out cold I guess, breathing it. Well, cuz he. It woke him up. Monica. I can imagine like the top sheet like billowed up. Like I was just like. Oh man. I was huffing away when I was. This is why I don't. This is why I'm afraid to fall asleep because I'm so vulnerable.

[B]

Oh my God.

[A]

I couldn't protect myself.

[B]

You're the one that said eating farts. You recently said eating farts makes you healthier.

[A]

Smelling your own farts. A scientist. I didn't say that.

[B]

A scientist said that you just got some extra.

[A]

Hell, I don't know if eating his is. So there was no issue other than.

[B]

Glad you didn't smell it.

[A]

As you know, I can barely sleep under completely ideal circumstances.

[B]

Right?

[C]

I. Yeah.

[A]

So like foreign room. Kept woken up then. Next to a man. Next to a man. Oh, it's my friend Ryan.

[C]

Oh.

[A]

I'm on this vacation. Everything is cool.

[B]

Yeah. I don't. I don't like sleeping in the. In a bed with anyone anymore at all. Like so I'm kind of impressed that you guys. I mean, I guess you had to do it.

[A]

You do what you gotta do.

[B]

You do what you gotta do do. But it's so hard to like really fall asleep when there's somebody else in the bed. I worry about this. If I have a future husband, I might go ahead and just start from scratch. Us not doing that, not sleeping in the same bed.

[A]

You want it at the beginning for sure.

[B]

I mean I want to, but I Want all this stuff before and then. But just right when I'm sleeping, can they leave?

[A]

Okay, yeah, if they are like me, that would work out perfect, because I probably would be awake longer, but actually.

[B]

No, because in the night there might be, like, a fun cuddle. Okay, forget it. I take it back.

[A]

I think for some period, you'll definitely want that. And then for some other period.

[B]

But I'm gonna be worried about farting, and I.

[A]

You farting. But Monica, you cannot get married and still have this fart thing. You have to fart in front of your husband.

[B]

No, I'm not gonna.

[A]

Your life will be miserable.

[B]

Erica doesn't fart in front of Charlie. She never has. He says, I've never heard or smelled.

[A]

Her father has that same claim.

[B]

Exactly. It can be done.

[A]

They must be doing out and away.

[B]

You can't out and away in the bed.

[A]

No, you have. The whole point is you go out, right? And then you get the guests away from you in your fabrics, and then.

[B]

You return in the night.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So I wouldn't out in a way, because I'd be asleep.

[A]

But that's true.

[B]

But Ryan.

[A]

Well, you know, he woke himself up.

[B]

I know, but he.

[A]

But I didn't wake up. So, like, your. Your husband won't even know you're. You're in and inside.

[B]

I want to tell a story, but I. I'm not going to say who. So my friend tried to out and away.

[A]

Uhhuh.

[B]

In the bathroom, and it was so.

[A]

It was so loud. Okay. Was it jazz?

[B]

I mean, was it not so loud?

[A]

Jazz? No.

[B]

Oh, it was so loud. No, this is a female friend. Yeah. It was so loud that her husband. Husband thought she was throw.

[A]

Wow, that's spectacular. Well, I'm trying to think of how a fart would sound if it also sounded like throwing out.

[B]

He must have just woken up and heard, like, a loud noise coming from the bathroom. He was asleep.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And then he thought.

[A]

But I'm trying to think how he.

[B]

He probably just was like, oh. And then she's in the bathroom, and I heard this loud noise. So she's probably throwing up.

[A]

That's. See, that is the problem with holding them as long as you do when they come out, it's going to sound like someone's vomiting. If you're letting them out here and there, that pressure won't build up.

[B]

That I'm going to a different room. I can't go in a hotel with my husband. I can't do anything.

[A]

Gosh.

[B]

Can't do anything. Oh, it's so scary to be a person.

[A]

He won't care. I know you can't convince yourself of that.

[B]

This is a ding ding ding.

[A]

It is.

[B]

Yeah. Because this is for Kaylee Cuoco.

[C]

Uhhuh.

[A]

Oh, this is perfect.

[B]

It's perfect because we were talking about separate room sleeping and I'm just going to say I'm for it.

[A]

Yeah, sure.

[B]

I'm for not feeling nervous that you're. You're going to have to fart in the night.

[A]

Cuz nocturnal.

[B]

If I do fart, which is almost never it is in the night or wow.

[A]

You Morning Susan in my bed.

[C]

That's just my own personal.

[B]

It's my personal time. Hey, Rob, does Natalie fart?

[A]

Hey Natalie, have you ever.

[B]

Have you ever. How about this? Have you ever heard her fart?

[C]

So we do not fart in front of each other.

[A]

But I have heard her fart when she sleeps. Oh my God, Rob, you don't fart in front of your wife.

[C]

No, we don't. Wow.

[B]

See Dax, I think it's more common.

[A]

Than you think going on. You guys. Why do you think you fucking get married? So you can be your full self. That I know.

[B]

Look, I do understand that. I do understand that argument and I would want. I would want someone to accept my farts. But. And I would accept farts. I know I would. But I don't trust. I don't trust that people will accept mine.

[A]

That's right. And that's just the work you need to do with your therapist. You need to bring into her that you feel unworthy of love if you.

[B]

Fart or I have to marry like a troll.

[A]

Or my dad, who's. No, he couldn't smell.

[B]

Oh, that's.

[A]

You should put that on your Tinder thing. Like what are you looking for? Someone that can't smell. Think how off putting that would be.

[B]

Smell.

[A]

Yeah, because you'd be like, oh, they reek.

[B]

They smell so bad. Oh, Jess.

[A]

Rob, what are you doing with your farts? I just. I don't fart that much.

[B]

I don't think Rob is gassy. I've never smelt his fart. He never farts in here.

[A]

Oh my God. She's lactose intolerant though, so. Oh, well, she's Asian.

[B]

Well, but then he's saying she farts a lot.

[A]

She has stomach problems a lot. Well then.

[B]

Oh, then.

[C]

It's not fair, Rob.

[A]

She can't stay away from. Dare I. It's not. It's not like a spoken thing.

[C]

We just.

[B]

I know, but Rob, I don't Think it's fair to her that you get to smell her farce and she doesn't get to smell.

[A]

She has smell. He's. Do you think he's not farting in his sleep and she hasn't heard it and smelled it?

[B]

Well, have to ask her.

[A]

There's no way. It's a one way street.

[B]

Well, he doesn't have tolerance.

[A]

We just don't let it rip. I'm sorry.

[B]

That's fair.

[C]

I think a lot of people don't.

[A]

What about in front of your sons? Yeah. The boys. We'll all fart in front of each other.

[B]

You do.

[A]

But then when mom comes in, everyone's got to tighten it up. Yeah.

[B]

Oh, this is a weird. Okay.

[A]

I mean, psychological going on here.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It's poison. It's poison now it's boys. Boy, it is poison.

[B]

It is poison.

[A]

That was. Did you think that's what that song meant? That girl is poison or farts? Yeah. Oh, my God.

[B]

Well, you're. Yeah, I. Look, I think it's aspirational.

[A]

I do got to put a. Because we're transitioning, as we should, into the facts. But I just want to say we avoided the Vegas thing. The. The day went great. It's complicated. Going to the theme park with four kids that are 10 and 11 because there's. There's varying levels of bravery. I'll call it. On what you're going to ride. And then the pressure of I didn't ride it. Now they wrote it. And then we. We talked one of them into riding something and. Yeah. And it didn't go as good as we were all hoping for.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

And then by the end of the day, everyone was absolutely exhausted, as you can imagine. But we had an incredible time. Disneyland, so, so fun. You know the part that was so funnest? I feel like I'm never there at night.

[B]

Oh, yeah, that's so funny.

[A]

Oh, it's so magical.

[B]

Yeah, it is magical.

[A]

So many cute lights lit up everywhere, and I was like, I could just walk around. That's a. That's a ride for me. It's just walking around. And we did Soarin twice. We booked. I like bookending the day at Disney with. With Soarin.

[B]

That's nice.

[A]

It's soaring over the world right now, which is often soaring over California, Both having cool, incredible merits.

[B]

Okay. I do get nauseous on that ride.

[A]

You do? Oh, that's a bummer, because that's one of my faves.

[B]

It's okay. I just won't join at the beginning.

[A]

And Putty narrates the beginning. Remember that? He's like, put the belt through the buckle.

[B]

Who's Putty?

[A]

No, Putty from Seinfeld. Patrick Warburton. He narrates it and he says, put your belt through the buckle. You know, he's got that very specific cadence.

[B]

That's fun. Speaking of Seinfeld, I saw just really quickly, I saw saw a post on Instagram. It's like a teaser or something, I don't know. But it was just a picture from a upcoming super bowl commercial and it is for Duncan and it has obviously one of my boyfriends, Ben, and he's talking to Matt LeBlanc and Jennifer Aniston and then the Seinfeld character. But I want to remove that from the story. But because I'm like, what is happening here? My worlds are colliding.

[A]

Cross pollination of my.

[B]

Of my earliest loves. Yeah, that's weird, right? Okay, Kaylee, facts. Is there a movie about the Dole founder David Murdoch? No. There is no major commercial feature about him.

[A]

Ding, ding, ding. We had the Dole whip at Disneyland.

[B]

Kaylee has a two year old cane course.

[A]

Most delicious corn dog in my life. Oh, because I'm on this new probiotic. I've been dancing a little bit.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I had a big outrageously monstrous corn dog yesterday and it was so.

[B]

And you didn't have any weird.

[A]

I don't think so. Yeah, again, baby steps. I'm not going crazy. But I did have a big delicious, honking corn dog.

[B]

This cures your gluten free completely.

[A]

I'm going to.

[B]

What are you going to eat? Like what's the first. What's your first meal back?

[A]

I mean, I miss pasta so much. There's so many gravy. I mean, I don't even feel like I always have been on the even skin test. Garlic.

[B]

Oh, really?

[A]

So I don't know if that's leaky gutter. Oh, I would eat the ass out of some garlic.

[B]

Chimichurri.

[A]

Oh, chimichurri. Grilled chicken with chimichurri.

[B]

Okay. Kaylee has a two year old cane corso dog and said they are human.

[C]

Huge.

[B]

How big? Cane corsos. Weight varies by sex.

[A]

Cane or king. I thought they were king corsos. They're cane. Cane cane. Oh, I've had that wrong the whole time.

[B]

Oh, that's fun. It's like Fideli. Ding, ding, ding. Far acorn males typically weighing 99 to 110 pounds and females 88 to 99 pounds. Though some American standards allow for Larger sizes with males reaching 110 to 140 pounds and females 85 to 115.

[A]

They're scary looking dogs. Dogs, in my opinion.

[C]

Scared of that.

[B]

I'm scared of that.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Because they look like.

[A]

They look like a mix between a pit bull and a Great Dane.

[B]

I'm gonna have a nightmare.

[A]

A great bowl.

[B]

If I get one of those, though.

[A]

No one will eat me that. Other than him. Yeah. Although he kind of looks like. He kind of looks sweet in the eyes, in the droopiness.

[B]

He actually looks sad in the eyes.

[A]

He does. He looks. He looks sad. He's like, why do I look so threatening? Because I'm just a nice boy with chopped ears. I don't like what to his ears.

[B]

They. They chop all these dogs ears off.

[C]

Why do they do that?

[A]

I can't judge because I'm circumcised, but still. Oh, wow. That's not an inviting. Okay.

[B]

Put a dog up. That's very scary looking. It has blood in its mouth.

[A]

It's salvating everywhere. It's got foam. It's. It's got rabies. It's rabid. And then has this huge collar around it. That's more like a horse. Horse. What do they call those?

[B]

Look how muscular its body is.

[A]

Horse yolk. And then it's got a thick chain anchoring to the ground because no one can go near it. Whoo. No, thank you.

[B]

Can you binge? Kaylee's new show Vanished, vanishes out now on MGM plus with the first episode having premiered on Sunday, February 1, 2026 new episodes then release weekly.

[A]

Weekly.

[C]

Weekly.

[B]

I'm. You know how I feel about weekly.

[A]

I know, I know, I know.

[B]

Okay. And we want to show a pitch, a picture of her zonkey.

[A]

Oh. Because she did come through and she sent us a picture. And the zonkey is much prettier than I was.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because let's be. Let's be frank. Donkeys aren't the most pretty.

[B]

They could be prettier, but that's, you know, they have other assets.

[A]

Yeah. They're stubborn.

[C]

Yep.

[A]

They're loud and they kick. No.

[B]

Don't they, like, carry stuff.

[A]

They're indomitable. They're so strong. Pound for pound, donkeys. They'll like. Yeah. They'll carry Juan Valdez's coffee right up the side of the Andes Mountains. Never even ask for water. Oh, yeah. But this zonkey is actually quite pretty and feminine looking and it's.

[B]

Its legs are strong striped and they're really cool.

[A]

That's beautiful.

[B]

I recommend everyone go watch the fact check so you can see this Zonky.

[A]

The zonkey.

[B]

And that's all the facts.

[A]

That's all the facts. That is a zonky. That is.

[B]

Stop showing us that.

[A]

I would be so fearful of that zonky if that dog was around in the mix.

[B]

I know, but I wonder how fast Zonkey could go.

[A]

It looks like that dog was wearing a yoke. That's. I couldn't think of the name of it.

[B]

Well, I don't know what that is.

[A]

That's what you put over the head. Like you put over the head of a bull or something. Try to keep it in.

[B]

I mean, whatever.

[A]

God bless humans. They're like, you know what? We want to control these animals.

[B]

Why?

[A]

And we're not afraid. We're going to figure out how. Like, how on earth are we managing bulls? And I'm not saying now because now you got factory farming. That's. Let's not get hung up on how disgusting that is.

[B]

Right.

[A]

I'm saying more back. We have been. We have been hurting animals that are way bigger than us.

[B]

I know.

[A]

For thousands of years. But it's not arrogance because we do it. Yeah.

[C]

But people.

[B]

People do die in the process. We lose some. We lose some.

[A]

All right.

[C]

All right.

[A]

I love you.