Mom's Car: Ryan Hansen

Summary

Armchair Expert: Mom's Car – Ryan Hansen

Date: November 4, 2025
Host: Dax Shepard
Guest: Ryan Hansen (with Aaron)
Episode Theme: Navigating Popularity, Adolescence, and Honest, Hilarious Reflections on Growing Up

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Overview

In this lively “Mom’s Car” episode, Dax Shepard reunites with actor and all-around good guy Ryan Hansen (Veronica Mars, Party Down) for a candid, comedic cruise down memory lane. Joined by childhood friend Aaron, the trio dives deep into tales of popularity, misadventures, adolescent awkwardness, and the moral quandaries of their youth. Through self-deprecating storytelling and unflinching honesty, they explore what it means to be (and feel) popular, their learning curves around sexuality and shame, and the unpredictable transitions from troublemaking kids to reflective adults.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Addictive Drug of Popularity

• Dax introduces the central topic: “what a euphoric drug popularity is” (01:11)
• Ryan recalls always feeling a bit “famous” as a pastor’s kid, running the “Sunday school mafia” and wielding his minor church celebrity status for small hustles (01:36)
  • “We got away with murder…through the lost and found and pretty much taking everything. All my new baseball gloves…I think my dad was in on that one.” – Ryan Hansen (01:59)
• Discussion turns to how popularity at church didn’t always translate at school and how different environments shaped their identities

2. Transitions: Changing Schools and Friend Groups

• Ryan shares his moves through three junior highs, finding solace in having “church friends” as anchors, and the epic entrance of his wild new friend Jeremy (04:09)
  • “He introduced me to cigars and shooting BB guns, to Playboys and go karts. This guy’s just the coolest.” – Ryan Hansen (04:26)
• Dax and Aaron recount the social hierarchy and peer pressures, particularly as “burnouts” began going down rougher paths in junior high (05:49)
  • “There were all these levels I was comfortable with. Like, I would throw apples at cars...if we smashed someone’s mailbox, I hated it.” – Dax Shepard (06:07)

3. Youthful Mischief and Ethical Dilemmas

• The group unpacks their phases of mild to major rule-breaking: car-hopping, stealing, the rush and the regret
  • “We would never break anything, but if [a car] was open, it’s gone.” – Ryan Hansen (08:24)
  • “There’s some sense of injustice I used to justify when I was greedy and did bad things.” – Dax Shepard (10:25)
• Everyone confesses guilt and residual shame. Guilt often acted as a moral compass, even in the moment (08:40–11:14)

4. Hazing, Bullying, and Regret

• Ryan grapples with a story of chasing and bullying an “odd” classmate in 6th grade just to fit in, and how that regret followed him (12:04)
  • “I still feel guilty about him. Once we got to high school, I got to stick up for him a few times, which was great.” – Ryan Hansen (12:41)
• Conversation explores how most teenage boys cannot escape adolescence without creating some painful memories for themselves and others

5. Popularity’s Peaks and Valleys – School Years

• All three reflect on the rollercoaster of their own popularity through elementary, junior high, and high school
  • “I was not cool in elementary school…junior high was my first mega dose [of popularity].” – Dax Shepard (05:05)
  • Ryan’s path from class president to cheer captain, his brief detour with older artsy friends, and eventual return to his original circle (18:02–19:05)
  • Dax details losing popularity after moving districts and being grateful when he got it back—if never quite the same (26:03)
  • When being “cool” becomes part of identity, the transitions out of those roles can be jarring

6. Drugs, Alcohol, and the Divergence of Friends

• Breaking points in friendships: Dax didn’t drink due to his dad’s alcoholism, while Aaron took a different path, leading to separation (16:24–16:35)
• First experiences with drinking—funny, cautionary, and emblematic of larger divides in their social circles

7. High School Social Strategies & Leadership

• Ryan’s eclectic mix of activities: student government (for the perks), football, performing arts, and competitive cheer (18:05–19:18)
  • “I was silly and outgoing and I was in, like, the ensemble…but I also played football…student body...my grades were terrible. By senior year, I got kicked out of everything.” – Ryan Hansen (19:02)
• The power (and pitfalls) of being “everywhere” in a social sense, including running “raffle” cons at youth group and winning a BMW (29:11–29:42)

8. Sexual Confusion, Discovery, and Massive Misunderstandings

• Open, comedic recounting of their hilariously awkward early sexual experiences—searching for anatomy, confusion about “where things are,” and the lack of useful sex education (35:43–38:15)
  • “My first time, I thought she only had a butt.” – Aaron (35:54)
  • “Why isn’t it right there? And I’m pushing, probably on her mom’s pubis baton, looking for the penis. Then she goes ‘Have you never done this before?’ and I just panicked.” – Dax Shepard (39:25)
• The strange rituals of learning about masturbation—rumors, shame, and strange influences (Vaseline story: 39:55–42:22)
  • Dax tells a signature tale of trying to recreate a movie gag with Jell-O, a botched experiment, a panicked visit to a free clinic, and full-circle honesty with his eventual partner (44:35–49:04)
  • “I'm 21 and I'm just, I'm standing in my kitchen...trying to fuck [the Jello] and this red dye is spilling all over the floor. Totally bummed with the whole thing.” – Dax Shepard (45:33)

9. Family, Faith, and Adult Contradictions

• Ryan speaks to growing up in a deeply religious family, the shame associated with typical teenage desires, and how he eventually made faith his own (28:22–29:09)
• The cycle of secrecy: first hiding everything from parents, then from kids
  • “You spend the first 30 years hiding everything from your parents, and then next you spend a third hiding it from your kids.” – Dax Shepard (35:00)

10. Alternative School, Second Chances, and Adult Realizations

• Aaron’s expulsion sends him to an alternative high school, “Duck Lake”—described as an intimidating mix of tough kids, bodybuilder teachers, and loosened rules (31:28–34:35)
  • “All the guys were big drinkers…could smoke there…There was a smoking room.” – Aaron (32:27–34:24)

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Memorable Quotes & Moments

• On Peer Influence:
  • “I was doing that to fit in because I was new. I’m like, oh, this is what the cool guys are doing. Okay, we’re chasing this guy.” – Ryan Hansen (12:41)
• On Regrets:
  • “It’s really hard to get through teenage boy adolescence without doing some real regrettable…” – Dax Shepard (12:47)
• On Justification:
  • “I think I felt, because life was already unjust, it wasn’t fair. So I was entitled to make it fair.” – Dax Shepard (10:25)
• On Puberty & Confusion:
  • “My first time, I thought she only had a butt.” – Aaron (35:54)
  • “Why isn’t it right there?...She doesn’t have a vagina. Where the fuck is it?” – Dax Shepard (39:25)
• On Family Cycles:
  • “You spend like the first 30 of your life hiding everything from your parents, and then next you spend a third hiding your life from your kids.” – Dax Shepard (35:00)

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Notable Timestamps

• Popularity as a “drug,” church stories (01:11–03:16)
• Changing schools and finding new “crews” (03:57–05:05)
• Escalating mischief, bullying, the ethics of bad behavior (05:49–11:14)
• Hilarious and painful teen stories: drugs, alcohol, firsts (16:24–18:19)
• High school popularity, clubs, and banter (19:02–20:02)
• Bullying, regret, making amends (12:04–12:47)
• Early sex/masturbation confusion (35:43–42:22)
• The legendary Jell-O story (44:35–49:04)
• Reflections on faith, family, and hiding secrets as adults and children (28:22–35:00)
• Aaron at Duck Lake, alternative school wildness (31:28–34:35)

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Tone and Energy

The conversation—true to classic “Armchair Expert”—is raw, vulnerable, rambunctious, and deeply funny, as if catching up with friends you grew up with. The hosts and guests tease themselves relentlessly, openly dissecting shame, pride, guilt, and the compelling human need to belong. No one is spared embarrassment, but the tone remains warm, cathartic, and understanding throughout.

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For Listeners: Why This Episode Matters

Not just a series of hilarious anecdotes, this episode is a powerful, affectionate look at adolescence and how it shapes us—especially when we’re willing to laugh at ourselves and fess up to our failures. Whether you grew up popular, overlooked, mischievous, or misunderstood, you’ll find something in these confessions. Ryan Hansen’s endearing honesty, Dax and Aaron’s chemistry, and the confessional energy make for a thoroughly engaging hour well worth the ride.

Transcript

[Dax Shepard]

Welcome to mom's car. Today we have an old friend on friend of the pod. Ryan Hanson. The ever charming, cute, talented, back flipping Ryan Hansen.

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[Dax Shepard]

This guy is as charming as it gets. We love Ryan and we had a blast. Please enjoy. The cutest of the cute, Ryan Hansen.

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[Dax Shepard]

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[Dax Shepard]

I think you would be the perfect person. I think we should talk about what a euphoric drug popularity is.

[Ryan Hansen]

Oh, yeah, sure. I like that.

[Dax Shepard]

And I was thinking, you're so popular, when did you start to recognize you were popular? Like what grade? And what was going on?

[Aaron]

Uh huh.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, well, I wasn't nervous to talk about it.

[Ryan Hansen]

I'm just so self deprecating. It's like, am I so humble? I'm so humble.

[Dax Shepard]

It's always hurts how humble you are.

[Ryan Hansen]

To be honest. And I'm gonna be honest, I always felt pretty famous. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. My dad was a music pastor at all these churches. And like we were just known, everybody knew the pastor's kids. We could do whatever we wanted. That was at church at least. And so my brother and I ran the Sunday school mafia.

[Dax Shepard]

Did you use your powers at all?

[Ryan Hansen]

Oh, for sure. We got away with murder.

[Dax Shepard]

What falls under the umbrella of going.

[Ryan Hansen]

Through the lost and found and pretty much taking everything. I got all my new baseball gloves through there. Although I think my dad was in on that one. We'd be there all day because there's like a morning service and then the later service. We were only in one, but then we just would run around backstage, we'd go in the baptism and like take some dips.

[Dax Shepard]

Wow.

[Ryan Hansen]

Yeah, get in the baptism, then run around just wet.

[Dax Shepard]

Did you have any? I don't know what the right word is, but like, my father was so loved in aa. He was like the most popular guy in Michigan. Aa. He had a trillion friends. They all loved him.

[Ryan Hansen]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

And there was some bit of me that was like resentful against him and somehow he didn't love how beloved he was, yes.

[Ryan Hansen]

Oh, that's funny.

[Dax Shepard]

And if your dad is, like, being loved because he's a man of the cloth and he's a musician and a pastor, were you ever judgmental, like, you're not that good?

[Ryan Hansen]

I didn't look at it that way. I always liked him on stage, and he's kind of a rock star at church. And he wasn't like the speaking pastor.

[Dax Shepard]

Where was never, like, acting holy or doing.

[Ryan Hansen]

Exactly, exactly. He was just kind of like the music and the orchestras and the big choirs and the plays. And I always got to be in them. And my mom did the children's choir. I really enjoyed life at church. And, you know, school was different and, like, no one gave a shit.

[Dax Shepard]

I don't know if I just am accidentally running into these people or.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

It's true.

[Dax Shepard]

I feel like San Diego's pretty darn Christian. Everyone I meet from San Diego is pretty into church for California. At school, do you feel like most kids were going to church or no?

[Ryan Hansen]

Well, more than here, that's for sure.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Ryan Hansen]

Like, no one pretty much. I mean, none of my devil's playground really are.

[Dax Shepard]

Devil's workshop.

[Ryan Hansen]

That's right. That's where we come to play.

[Dax Shepard]

Idle unemployed hands.

[Ryan Hansen]

What was the joke? Was it the Emmys at the Golden Globes? Like, God shout outs? Zero. You know, moms five, Mario Lopez one or whatever.

[Dax Shepard]

Nikki Glazer.

[Ryan Hansen]

Oh, yeah, yeah. It was so good. And then I went to three different junior highs.

[Dax Shepard]

Why?

[Ryan Hansen]

Left San Jose, beginning of sixth grade, started a new junior high in San Diego, and then a new one opened up for eighth grade. So, like, half the school went, and then half was all these other kids.

[Dax Shepard]

And did you land on your feet at all these places?

[Ryan Hansen]

Yeah, I think my brother had a harder time. He moved in eighth grade, so that was harder for him. For me, I was still sixth grade, so it was fine. Had some church friends that were going to these schools, so that kind of helped with friendship and all that stuff. And then I met my crew of dudes in 8th grade. Jeremy Dent. Big shout out. Okay. Huge in 8th grade. He introduced me to cigars and shooting BB guns, to playboys and go karts. And I was like, this guy is just the coolest. And him and Matt Rukus were, like, best friends and opened my eyes to all that stuff.

[Dax Shepard]

He sounds radical.

[Ryan Hansen]

Oh, yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

Was he the most popular kid in your junior high, Jeremy? Yeah.

[Ryan Hansen]

Yeah. Probably the funniest. Didn't give a shit. Always wore weird stuff.

[Dax Shepard]

Divorced parents?

[Ryan Hansen]

No.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, wow. Yeah. Good family, Happily married.

[Ryan Hansen]

Susie and Steve and Rukus was the guy. Rukus is jumping Bearcat today, everyone. Let's go. He's jumping his BMX bike, doing flips and stuff. He was like that guy.

[Dax Shepard]

So I was not cool in elementary school. I was too big, couldn't read, was a bully. And then similarly, I got enveloped into this Andrew and Trevor group of kids who played soccer. They had pretty good families. Trevor was the most popular kid in my school. We became friends. That was really helpful. I leave elementary school. I hadn't tasted being cool yet. And junior high is my first mega dose.

[Ryan Hansen]

Well, I remember you guys saying, like, junior high is kind of it, right? Was it eighth grade or seventh grade?

[Dax Shepard]

Seventh grade. Seventh grade. By eighth grade, we're now starting to move in separate directions.

[Aaron]

It was a long year.

[Ryan Hansen]

Wait, what do you mean? You guys did.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Ryan Hansen]

What was that? You just hung out with different crew or what?

[Aaron]

Yeah, I started appealing away.

[Dax Shepard]

He started huffing gas.

[Ryan Hansen]

Okay.

[Dax Shepard]

He's like, huffing gas a lot of the day. We hung out with the burnouts in our school, but he's now hanging out with the dudes that are like 17 that hang around the junior high kids. Oh, sure, a lot of them into jail or we would go out. And there were all these levels I was comfortable with. Like I would throw apples at cars. I was fine with that. But if we went and we smashed someone's mailbox, I hated it. I was like, it's a picture of my mom fixing our mailbox. It was like I had all these ethical dilemmas where the bad boys really started getting bad. Or like stealing shit. I didn't wanna fucking go to juvie. These guys are gonna end up in juvie. Is that a fair assessment? You're a weak. Definitely.

[Aaron]

He almost looked forward to it, or I did. But I don't know how much of that was to the danger.

[Ryan Hansen]

You look forward to the thrill of that or what?

[Dax Shepard]

It's like a badge of honor, right? Sure.

[Aaron]

Like I smashed people's picture windows. Of course, not knowing what damage that.

[Dax Shepard]

Is until I'm older, but yeah, yeah, Stealing.

[Aaron]

Stealing cars. Stealing anything.

[Dax Shepard]

They stole a. You didn't. But Bill, there's one kid. So there's one kid.

[Aaron]

I wish I could.

[Dax Shepard]

At the epicenter. You've heard us talk about our redhead thing. How Aaron and I are obsessed with.

[Ryan Hansen]

How tough redheads are and how scared.

[Dax Shepard]

We are of them. A lot of this is based on this one kid, Billy. We'll leave his last name out of it. The last enemy we would want on earth. I'm sure he's still tough.

[Ryan Hansen]

Is he a redhead fella?

[Aaron]

I'd be a sitting duck in Michigan.

[Ryan Hansen]

Till he comes knocking.

[Dax Shepard]

Yes, he was a redheaded fella and he was also known to cry while he fought. But he and he at one point fought another redhead kid at my old junior high. And it was the scariest fight I ever saw. They were both bawling and both bloody and neither would quit.

[Ryan Hansen]

And I just remember, oh my gosh.

[Dax Shepard]

I remember thinking, man, I don't wanna fight either of these guys ever. But he and Billy became real close. And Billy had already stole a very valuable coin collection and drove a van and got caught in another state. They stole four wheelers. But at one point he stole a horse.

[Aaron]

Some sort of like million dollar racehorse horse.

[Dax Shepard]

Which I'm sure he was told, rest assured there's no million dollar racehorses in. Yeah, yeah. But everyone thinks everyone's so rich.

[Ryan Hansen]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh my gosh.

[Dax Shepard]

You picture like a 14 year old boy riding a horse away and he.

[Aaron]

Rode it like down to Florida.

[Ryan Hansen]

That sounds awesome. Oh my God.

[Dax Shepard]

And he was like, you gotta keep the horse. Now how do you fence a horse? Who you gonna find that's gonna buy the horse?

[Ryan Hansen]

She's pretty tough to hide.

[Dax Shepard]

Your. How do you ride the horse? Ride it bareback.

[Ryan Hansen]

Clean it, Clean up the shit. Oh God.

[Dax Shepard]

I don't imagine he just put it in a field or something and hope no one saw it.

[Ryan Hansen]

I went through a little bit of a stealing phase. Nothing like horses or ATVs or whatever. But I got my CD book stolen out of my car. You know the mix CDs you work so hard for your collection and I was so fucking pissed. So we would just walk around Cottonwood, the neighborhood, and just like check. We would never break anything, but if it was open, it's gone. We'd go into garages, take some shit.

[Dax Shepard]

Funny you'd say that. That's where it started is car hopping. Yeah. You guys would call it car hopping. They would meet before school to car hop. My thing was like we'd hang out at the movie theater and I'd go in and steal a cart of cigarettes. Like I'd steal from a store. Yeah, yeah. It's just weird. You have levels, you're finding.

[Aaron]

Yeah. You don't care if you're stealing from the man.

[Ryan Hansen]

Remember that company smp? So the guys who like started that or co founded or whatever would have a sale out front of their house every year. And they set up shop that night before. And I drove by it and went home. I'm like, boys, it's all out there. We took my buddy Jeremy's VW bus and my mom's Explorer. Fucking went tonight.

[Dax Shepard]

Loaded that.

[Ryan Hansen]

Loaded it up. We did a couple trips.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, geez.

[Ryan Hansen]

The next morning, my dad's like, trying on clothes, like, this is great. Our friends, whatever. And then my buddy. The buddies went back the next day. Cause they didn't get the box of board shorts they wanted.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Ryan Hansen]

And they saw em and they caught. So the cops came and they scared us and they didn't press charges.

[Dax Shepard]

Did you feel guilty too?

[Ryan Hansen]

Yeah, well. Cause they're like, this is our family's business. This is how I feel. And all the kids are there and stuff. It's just like, sorry. And they had like the coolest surf shop in San Diego or in East County.

[Dax Shepard]

I feel bad. Yeah, that stuff.

[Aaron]

I did feel guilty too. I wish I would have not went that route. I think I was too upset with my home life. That I couldn't emotionally figure out how to keep having fun like we were having without everything piling up. That's the reason I started huffing gas and trying to escape. Cause I thought people doing that didn't feel guilt at all. And I was kind of jealous of that. Oh, that is a big one. On the hook real quick. That's gonna be the last one too.

[Dax Shepard]

Do you relate to this, Aaron? I did bad things. But part of it was I've now realized that I'm older. I'm like, how do I justify? And I think I felt, because life was already unjust, it wasn't fair. So I was entitled to make it fair. And I would imagine from you in particular, you didn't have anything. And there's also this sense of, like, this is bullshit. All these other people have all this stuff and I don't. Why wouldn't I have it? And this other kid I go to school have it. There's some sense of injustice that I used to justify when I was greedy and did bad things.

[Aaron]

Absolutely.

[Dax Shepard]

But then it doesn't really work right at the light.

[Aaron]

Oh, there it is. Yeah. Then you find out karma's a real thing.

[Dax Shepard]

Also, my dad, he gave me very few life tips, but one was what goes around comes around. He's like, if you steal, shit'll get stolen from you. And I remember that being an actual motivator for me to not.

[Aaron]

I remember you asked me in junior high if I would feel bad if I killed a deer. Cause like, everyone hunted and, like, killed deer. And I remember Saying to you, no, I could do that. I could kill a deer. And I remember thinking in my head, you're the biggest liar in the world.

[Dax Shepard]

I would never kill a fucking deer.

[Ryan Hansen]

Oh, my God.

[Dax Shepard]

Fucking baby deer sitting there, having a fun day.

[Aaron]

That was me trying to, like, make myself tougher than I was. So we're going for some ramen now. There's a double.

[Dax Shepard]

Now we got a double.

[Aaron]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, my God. Sorry.

[Aaron]

I was just thinking in the two seconds I was gone. So it went from your popularity at the church. Didn't translate at first in school, but. But then it did.

[Ryan Hansen]

I would say in high school, it did. In sixth grade, new to that school in San Diego, I got with this group of dudes who were the cool guys, and I'll never forget the weird kid, Evan parent. We love you, Evan.

[Dax Shepard]

You were a little weird.

[Ryan Hansen]

And we love Evan the Bearfuck. I made up for it in high school, but we kind of chased him and throw him punches, and he wasn't even fighting back. But I was just like, oh, this is what we're doing. And I still feel guilty about him. And he left school that day like he ran home. And then once we got to high school, I got to stick up for him a few times, which was great, but he was always so cool. And just in sixth grade, he was just a little different. And I was doing that to fit in because I was new. I'm like, oh, this is what the cool guys are doing. Okay, we're chasing this guy.

[Aaron]

Sure.

[Dax Shepard]

It's really hard to get through teenage boy adolescence without doing some real regrettable.

[Ryan Hansen]

Oh, it's so regrettable. You know, he's so smart. I'm sure he, like, runs some company now.

[Dax Shepard]

Hopefully he's a billionaire.

[Ryan Hansen]

Yeah.

[Aaron]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

But, Aaron, did you have waves of cool in elementary school?

[Aaron]

Yes, I did. Kind of like the church. Our neighborhood was a place where I felt safe. And actually. No, wait, I take that back.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, that's not the word I would use.

[Aaron]

The word not safe. Actually, it was the opposite of safe. What am I talking about?

[Ryan Hansen]

Sorry, did I say safe?

[Aaron]

That was very unsafe. What's wrong with me? I was able to be comfortable with just maybe a small group of kids, and we thought we were cool. But then it didn't translate into school until fifth grade, when I met Kevin Gwynn. That's why Dax came and looked me up when he got to my school.

[Ryan Hansen]

You knew Kevin?

[Dax Shepard]

I was best friends with Kevin in sixth grade. I had moved, started junior high. So a new influx of kids and then there was another skateboarder who liked to fight, who had a crazy mom and we got along great.

[Aaron]

Yeah, trailer park kid. I was like best friends with him in fifth grade. Dax didn't go to the school we went to in elementary. He was so cool and made me feel so cool. And I like to fight kids behind the wall or whatever the fuck was going on at school. Then funny enough, the following year I moved to a new school. I'm just fucking terrified and don't know anyone. And I'm like very out of sorts. And like, you know what? I give up. I can't even take it anymore. And that's when Dax found me. I was like, how did this happen then?

[Ryan Hansen]

That is crazy.

[Aaron]

Year to year it was different.

[Dax Shepard]

I took over from where Kevin lived.

[Aaron]

Yeah. And all of a sudden Dax was like, I'm like, this kid is the coolest person I've ever seen in my life.

[Dax Shepard]

Even cooler than Kevin Gwynne. No, no one is cooler than Kevin Gwynne.

[Ryan Hansen]

I've done a few road trips, you know, I drive. But you guys times 1000. The body starts to hurt though when you sit so long like that. Or do you just get used to it?

[Dax Shepard]

Mine gets more and more comfortable. Just.

[Ryan Hansen]

You gotta just soak in, sink into.

[Aaron]

That the longer you go.

[Ryan Hansen]

Okay.

[Dax Shepard]

I don't know if there's anything I was more built to do in life than drive for a really long time. It seems to be the only thing I can do kind of in a one percentile.

[Ryan Hansen]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

I can just go and go and go forever.

[Ryan Hansen]

That's so funny. I gotta get out and do a backflip every couple hours.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. Famously, Aaron went to sleep in Salt Lake City, Utah, in the middle of a blizzard.

[Aaron]

And he woke up in Michigan like 30 hours later.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. No way. And I was just driving the Mustang in like six inches of snow.

[Aaron]

I was so tired. When I woke up up though, I took up sleep.

[Dax Shepard]

You were like, oh, good, we're almost home. I crawl into bed.

[Ryan Hansen]

Was it assisted sleeping or was it just straight?

[Dax Shepard]

No, old fashioned sleeping. Old fashioned sleeping. That was maybe in the only six months we drank normally. If you could even. I don't think it was ever normal.

[Ryan Hansen]

What's normal is that after five o'.

[Dax Shepard]

Clock. Yeah. Just we started off slow.

[Ryan Hansen]

Shit face.

[Dax Shepard]

No, that's what I'm saying. We started off really going hard, but maybe the frequency wasn't right and it wasn't like, oh, that's required to have any other kind of fun. Step one is get beer. Whenever that happens, you forget that you can have fun with alcohol.

[Ryan Hansen]

Right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

So it was in that six months before.

[Aaron]

Yeah, I was gonna say that happened fast.

[Ryan Hansen]

Yeah.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Well.

[Aaron]

So, like, this is so good.

[Dax Shepard]

Yes. It's so much more fun than.

[Ryan Hansen]

When did you guys first get drunk?

[Aaron]

How old together?

[Dax Shepard]

No, this was another one of our issues by eighth grade. Eighth grade is that I didn't.

[Ryan Hansen]

Oh, I see.

[Dax Shepard]

I wasn't ever gonna drink. Cause my dad was an alcoholic. That was. And Aaron was drinking and then starting to do drugs.

[Ryan Hansen]

That started the separation. Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. That was towards the end of eighth grade. So.

[Ryan Hansen]

Aaron, was it eighth grade?

[Aaron]

Yeah, it was eighth grade.

[Ryan Hansen]

I guess mine was ninth grade. Las Vegas.

[Dax Shepard]

In Vegas.

[Ryan Hansen]

In Vegas.

[Dax Shepard]

Wait, how did that happen? You must have been with your family.

[Ryan Hansen]

I went to Thanksgiving with my buddy Brett Hilcher's family, which was a big deal. My parents did not want me to go. I'm like, I have to go.

[Dax Shepard]

Yes.

[Ryan Hansen]

And then they had a hotel room and the mom was out. They were gambling and. Yeah. Liquor in the room.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Ryan Hansen]

We took it out on the Strip. And we're drinking. We're in the Bally's fountains, and we were having a bl.

[Dax Shepard]

Those early ones are about, as I almost text you two nights ago, I bet. Once a month. I just think back of the time we went to opening day and drank those Colt 45, 64 ounce drinks. And we had a few of them. I still remember that as being, like, one of the greatest buzzes of my whole life.

[Aaron]

Me too. I've told that story so many times, and I don't even know what the story. I mean, yeah, I do know what the story is, but I don't know how much was true at this point.

[Dax Shepard]

Sure. Well, that was the day we had bought Dan, or who we thought was Dan Severance. But that wasn't even the most memorable. Just sitting in the parking lot. No, it was a beer.

[Ryan Hansen]

Yeah.

[Aaron]

It's hard to explain that. And most people, when I start that story, when I say 64 ounces, they're like, you mean 40s? I'm like, no, 64s.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, they were little.

[Ryan Hansen]

They were jugs.

[Aaron]

A tiny little glass handle on them.

[Ryan Hansen]

Way.

[Dax Shepard]

But, Ryan. So in junior high, does it start kind of then and it rolls through.

[Ryan Hansen]

Yeah. So eighth grade, me and a couple dudes hit our growth spurts. I was. We're gonna say, six feet tall.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Okay.

[Ryan Hansen]

We're gonna go ahead and stick with that.

[Aaron]

Same as me.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Ryan Hansen]

So we were kind of big and like you, I would be the one guy on the dance floor at the dances, like all the other guys, just like. And I'd be dancing out there. And so freshman year, I ran for president. Cause that's what you do. And I got to be president of the freshman class.

[Aaron]

Nice.

[Ryan Hansen]

And my buddy Jeremy, his sister and her friends were juniors and they were so cool and beautiful and so they kind of like got us in to like the cool crowd. My freshman year, though, I became best friends with. With my brother in law, now, Jason. And he was a senior and he didn't have many friends, but we became best friends. Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

Cause he was super artsy musical theater.

[Ryan Hansen]

He introduced me to all that stuff, which was awesome. It changed my life really. But I kind of left my friends a little bit. Cause we would hang out so much. I mean, he could drive, we would go places.

[Dax Shepard]

You ditched your friends for Jason A little bit.

[Ryan Hansen]

Yeah. Well, at least they felt that way. And I kind of did.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, sure.

[Ryan Hansen]

So when he graduated, my friend's like, oh, you're coming back to hang? You know, when we started football again, I'm like, I'm back.

[Dax Shepard]

And they made it hard on you for two days, maybe a day.

[Ryan Hansen]

Then we were back. I mean, I was silly and outgoing and I was in like the ensemble, which is like dancing, choir, but I also played football and I was also in student body, but my grades were terrible. So by my senior year, I got kicked out of everything.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, and then you were also cheerleading, but you called it something else.

[Ryan Hansen]

It was an all star squad. Okay, so it's like club cheer. You don't cheer for a football team. You just cheer for yourselves, I guess.

[Dax Shepard]

You know, you compete, you throw someone in the air.

[Ryan Hansen]

But that was just my senior year. So I would do football and cheer.

[Dax Shepard]

And you were the captain of both.

[Ryan Hansen]

There was four captains on the team, but I was one of the.

[Dax Shepard]

The captains. Okay. It's amazing.

[Aaron]

It's amazing.

[Dax Shepard]

It is. I, in retrospect, like mine, which was not popular in elementary school, so popular in junior high. I loved it.

[Ryan Hansen]

What about high school?

[Dax Shepard]

I kind of forgot being popular.

[Ryan Hansen]

Yeah, sure.

[Dax Shepard]

God, I loved it.

[Ryan Hansen]

I got away with murder.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh. It just. Everyone was excited to see.

[Aaron]

Everyone wanted to see what you're going to do next. Yes.

[Dax Shepard]

It was so fun. And I was thinking. Cause my daughter went to like a party with other kids her age. I was just remembering that this is when. This is so gross to say, but kind of the legend of Aaron and I started was going to this girl Brandy's Birthday party. This is when it all started. And we were there and we just were always so comfortable with each other. So we were spitting our hot dogs in each other's mouths, and the girls were like, oh, my God, you guys are so gross. But they loved it. And then maybe we kissed even in front of them. Them just all this stuff you weren't supposed to do as a boy.

[Ryan Hansen]

Oh, that's the best.

[Dax Shepard]

And those parties were really what kind of started the whole thing. I was just picturing my daughter.

[Ryan Hansen]

I know, Isn't it the house?

[Dax Shepard]

And I'm like, she could return a completely different person. Like, if she comes unpopular. We're on a totally different trajectory now.

[Ryan Hansen]

That is for sure. Dude, it's a trip. Cause my girls are just a tiny bit older than yours. I told you, I picked them up, my oldest, from a high school party the other day. And it's like just a trip, man. I mean, there's no booze.

[Dax Shepard]

I don't think that we know of.

[Ryan Hansen]

That we know of.

[Dax Shepard]

All right, what one am I taking? Aaron.

[Aaron]

Oh, sorry, What?

[Dax Shepard]

Food item.

[Aaron]

Michelle.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, my bad.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Yeah.

[Aaron]

The other one is not Michelle.

[Ryan Hansen]

Not even close.

[Aaron]

I guess I wanted.

[Dax Shepard]

I wanted to.

[Aaron]

I just wanted to see.

[Dax Shepard]

I just wanted to get these sushi out of the car.

[Aaron]

Get that stinky fish out of my face.

[Ryan Hansen]

I gotta know, did you interact with the person or do you just drop it?

[Dax Shepard]

No, that was leave at door. Pretty much everyone's leave at door.

[Ryan Hansen]

Okay.

[Dax Shepard]

Cause we're kind of telling on ourselves for our bad deeds. So I want to go back to my transition from bully to being with the popular kids. There was an exact moment which is I would go out to the playground with my friend Clay, and he was the other tough kid in my class. He was a redhead. He and I had a gnarly fight one time when I was staying at his house. My mom was out of town. I missed her and we fought and he scratched my nose up so bad I had scabs all over my nose.

[Ryan Hansen]

Oh, geez.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, he scratched. He's wild. He's feral.

[Aaron]

No rules.

[Dax Shepard]

No rules. No rules. But at any rate, we would go out to the playground for recess and we would just start wrestling kids. And we played this game, top of the Mountain, and you had to throw each other down.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

That's all we did.

[Dax Shepard]

I was like a mid level boy and that I felt fine about, like, getting kids in headlocks, throwing them on the ground. And I also felt fine about punching kids in the stomach, but I never punched anyone in the face. And everyone wanted to wrestle. They probably didn't want to, but they had to.

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[Dax Shepard]

All to say There was this boy when I first moved to Highland to my neighborhood and I was brand new there, I didn't know anyone and he was the first to kind of ride his bike up to my yard and ask if I wanted to come over. So I went to his house and he was very sweet but he had like a coin collection and he had wallpaper of old cars on his wall. Not cool cars, but old timey cars. He loved old trains and coin collections and he talked about his grandpa all the time.

[Ryan Hansen]

He's such a cool.

[Dax Shepard]

And he was enormous too. He was like a big boy like me. Anyways, I had been friendly with him when I first moved there. And then I definitely outgrew him really quick, which is sad. And I felt guilty about it, but somehow he wanted to get in the mix. I'll never forget. Yeah, I punched him in the stomach in the parking lot of Spring Mills parking lot. For some reason, once in a while, you'd have recess in the parking lot. Cause it was too muddy or some shit. I don't know why we were in the parking lot, but I punched him in the stomach, and it knocked the wind out of him.

[Ryan Hansen]

Oh, it's a terrible feeling.

[Dax Shepard]

I got really, really scared. And he fell down and he was crying, and I felt so fucking bad. And then I told Clay, I don't want to. To fight at recess anymore. I don't think anyone likes this. I think they're just scared of us. And he was like, yeah, go on your way. I'm going to stick with this. And God bless him, he stuck with it.

[Ryan Hansen]

Wow.

[Dax Shepard]

And then I had to go get this other group of friends, which I'm glad I did, But I was driven there by feeling really terrible.

[Ryan Hansen]

Well, good for you. I like that story.

[Aaron]

I do, too.

[Dax Shepard]

I love the ending. Yeah. I mean, I can see him so clearly laying on the ass for. It was right by a manhole cover, crying and scared that he had just been killed. You know, the first thing you get, the wind.

[Ryan Hansen]

You're never going to breathe again.

[Dax Shepard]

You're dead.

[Ryan Hansen]

You're, like, drowning.

[Dax Shepard]

This boy just killed me at school.

[Aaron]

Oh, I bet those coins flashed before his eyes. His grandpa.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay. So I was saying, though, that I do like my trajectory, which is, like, not popular at all. Then super popular in junior high. But then when I moved to a whole new school district to move in with my dad in ninth grade, started high school in a place I didn't know anyone. And I had two really brutal years. I had a terrible haircut. I had acne. I got super skinny and tall. I didn't have the right clothes. I did spend two years just thinking, well, that was my only taste of it.

[Ryan Hansen]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

And then when it came back to me around 11th grade, everything kind of caught up. I was so grateful to be back.

[Ryan Hansen]

Oh, yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

I thought it wasn't ever gonna happen again. And then slowly, it started kind of working again. Never in the same way it did in junior high, but definitely by senior year, I was one of the cooler kids of Mike.

[Ryan Hansen]

Did you guys have senior superlatives? Is that what it's called?

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, we did in junior high, too. We called them mock elections, and we Were super into them then. And I think I did get Classic Home, but I never got my yearbook. That's how much I didn't like.

[Ryan Hansen]

You never got your yearbook? Those are so fun.

[Dax Shepard]

I never got a yearbook in high school. Only our junior high ones, which we look at now.

[Ryan Hansen]

Yeah, yeah. My girls look through my high school one. They read everything. I'm like, don't read the stuff.

[Dax Shepard]

But that's your sweet spot, right? Is high school year probably apex?

[Ryan Hansen]

I think so, yeah.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

Let's just say that the family you married into, the whole gang's in love with you. Right. You start by going on a date with your now wife's older sister. You're best friends with the oldest brother.

[Ryan Hansen]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

And then you start dating Amy.

[Ryan Hansen]

Yeah, I guess I was pretty popular in high school, but also the most popular.

[Aaron]

No.

[Dax Shepard]

Are you sure? Yeah, Come on.

[Ryan Hansen]

I was a jokester, so I think some people probably thought I was a jerk.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, sure.

[Ryan Hansen]

I'm gonna be honest about that. But I think it was just joke.

[Dax Shepard]

Sure. Good old fat, good natured joking around. But I think you can't take a joke.

[Aaron]

Yeah.

[Ryan Hansen]

But I think for the most part I was okay.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. Cause you're a very sweet boy, but sometimes rascally.

[Ryan Hansen]

Yeah, a little bit of a rascal. You push the boundaries for sure. And I was in asb, which is associated student body, just so I could get the off campus pass, which was everything. So you could write yourself a pass to go get whatever supplies for the dance, but really go get burritos for everyone.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, wow.

[Ryan Hansen]

No, that was the best.

[Dax Shepard]

What a blessing. Did you have a car in high school?

[Ryan Hansen]

Yeah, Bronco 2.

[Dax Shepard]

That's amazing. What a great car for you in high school.

[Ryan Hansen]

It was pretty cute. My brother and I shared it for a while, and then he got a little truck and then I had the Bronco too, after that. I think my dad's old Honda Accord, which I had for a few years.

[Dax Shepard]

And how were you juggling being deeply Christian, but also knowing that you were crazy about all these girls and that that was gonna be challenging. I guess what I'm asking is, were you, like, riddled with shame a lot of the time that you felt this way towards girls and stuff?

[Ryan Hansen]

Yeah, there was some shame for sure. But also at that time, I was just kind of away from it and then kind of found it again, my own kind of faith once I got out of high school. And really? Well, I dated her in high school once.

[Dax Shepard]

It wasn't mandatory. Right.

[Ryan Hansen]

So, yeah, I would definitely struggle with that. And there was a lot of shame around sex and masturbation and all that.

[Dax Shepard]

How about even being really popular? Is that cool? Or is there any issue there as.

[Ryan Hansen]

Far as my faith in being popular?

[Dax Shepard]

Well, just like. I don't know, it's not very humble to enjoy attention and.

[Ryan Hansen]

No, that's not.

[Dax Shepard]

That's all good.

[Ryan Hansen]

Oh, yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, great. You didn't have any kind of.

[Ryan Hansen]

No, I don't think there's any.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, you can shine as bright as you want.

[Ryan Hansen]

Yeah, I think so.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, I'm with it.

[Ryan Hansen]

Bring more folks in.

[Dax Shepard]

Obviously, that works.

[Ryan Hansen]

I brought so many kids one time to high school youth group because the more people you bring, the more tickets you get in the raffle. And I won because I brought so many kids a BMW 2002.

[Dax Shepard]

Wait, what?

[Ryan Hansen]

It was junky. My dad didn't know what to do with it. I didn't know how to drive stick. We all learned how to drive stick on it around our neighborhood.

[Dax Shepard]

I want that car.

[Ryan Hansen]

My dad sold it for, like, $200. He just got rid of it. I didn't even know I was so mad at him.

[Dax Shepard]

Wow.

[Ryan Hansen]

I know. I think I was 15. We didn't have our license yet, but I won a car.

[Dax Shepard]

You won a car?

[Ryan Hansen]

But it was like.

[Dax Shepard]

How many kids had you brought?

[Ryan Hansen]

I probably brought 15 kids.

[Dax Shepard]

How many stuck around did you hurt? None of them. None of them. Not your problem. Not my problem?

[Aaron]

No.

[Ryan Hansen]

You did my job.

[Dax Shepard]

You don't gotta close the deal. You're just bringing them.

[Ryan Hansen]

I'm stealing my crown.

[Aaron]

11Th grade two. I was so happy to run into you again. Yeah?

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. Was it padab? No. Or just. I heard you were in padab.

[Aaron]

Yeah, it was the Palmer Drug Abuse Program.

[Ryan Hansen]

Oh, God.

[Aaron]

It was outpatient. It was like an AA for kids.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, pretty much.

[Ryan Hansen]

Oh, wow. Yeah. Is that nationwide or is that like a local?

[Aaron]

No, it was local.

[Ryan Hansen]

Okay.

[Aaron]

As far as I know.

[Dax Shepard]

I think it was nationwide. And they had an expert on that was talking about, the hell do I know? Yeah, I was local.

[Ryan Hansen]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

But I was always a. My dad made me go to AA meetings while he lived with them. That was the only rule I had.

[Ryan Hansen]

Well.

[Dax Shepard]

And, in fact, I didn't have to go to aa. He wanted me to go to Al Anon. But when I went to Al Anon, I didn't really relate to anything they were saying. But when I was around alcoholics, I'm like, oh, I kind of relate to these people. So I just would go to those meetings and I didn't drink, and everyone drank So I found myself at Palmer at one point, I guess in ninth grade. So I had been there before Aaron had. And then Aaron was there for legitimate reasons.

[Aaron]

I had a court order to be there.

[Ryan Hansen]

Oh, wow.

[Dax Shepard]

And then somehow, I think through that, we started hanging out at.

[Aaron]

Yeah, we saw each other, I think, at country boy restaurant. And it had been a long, long time.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Aaron]

Which seemed like decades when you're that age. And then it was like, slowly off to the races again.

[Dax Shepard]

Ye. From 11th grade on.

[Ryan Hansen]

Same high school?

[Dax Shepard]

No.

[Ryan Hansen]

Different high schools.

[Aaron]

No, we had different high schools.

[Ryan Hansen]

Were they like rival high schools or was it. No, no.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, tell me your high school experience.

[Ryan Hansen]

Oh, I.

[Aaron]

Well, I was expelled from high school in 10th grade.

[Dax Shepard]

We gotta add too. This is the heartbreaking thing for me on the outside was that Aaron was such an insanely good baseball player. And the only upside of him going to high school is gonna be like, oh, he was finally gonna get the play in high school. Which would then lead to everything else. And then, yeah, I think I heard through the grapevine that Aaron was done with traditional high school in 10th grade. I'm gonna take a non traditional route to the majors. So. Yeah. How long were you kicked out before you found out about Duck Lake? What was it called?

[Aaron]

Oh, it was called Duck Lake then.

[Ryan Hansen]

Duck Lake.

[Dax Shepard]

Duck Lake High.

[Aaron]

I don't know. It was an alternative education.

[Ryan Hansen]

Ours was called Chaparral, the Gnarly kids one.

[Dax Shepard]

And this one was in a really tiny, deserted elementary school.

[Ryan Hansen]

Oh, yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

So it was like. The gym was really small.

[Ryan Hansen]

Oh, my God.

[Dax Shepard]

Everything was.

[Ryan Hansen]

Seats are tiny.

[Dax Shepard]

And all the guys there were in their 30s.

[Aaron]

All the guys were big drinkers.

[Dax Shepard]

They all smoked cigarettes in class.

[Aaron]

Oh, yeah, we could smoke there.

[Ryan Hansen]

No way.

[Aaron]

That was fun.

[Ryan Hansen]

Oh, my God.

[Dax Shepard]

And there were guys who had, like, plumbing vans in the driveway. Tradesmen were going to school with Aaron.

[Ryan Hansen]

My gosh.

[Aaron]

I took Dex. Never believed any of the stories I told him. I don't believe it. I was like, yeah, this one guy's 22 and he's got cowboy boots. He's a real good volleyball player. We would go in the baby gym and play volleyball.

[Dax Shepard]

This school was really just an assemblage of all the toughest kids from all of the districts combined. It's like the scariest place you could possibly.

[Aaron]

The teachers were bodybuilders because they had to try to keep everyone in line.

[Dax Shepard]

Was it for the family?

[Ryan Hansen]

Did it ever get tricky? Was there crazy fights? Because.

[Aaron]

Yeah, there was crazy fights. I brought Dax to school one day to check it Out.

[Dax Shepard]

You know what's funny is you could do a guest pass for a school, but I think generally they gave those out because someone would be thinking about going to that school. Is this Charlie's old gym?

[Ryan Hansen]

This is my Magnus. Charlie's gym's right there. This is that Porsche guy right here.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh boy. What if I was delivering to him that was pretty sure it's that one.

[Ryan Hansen]

Or maybe he's right there.

[Dax Shepard]

He's waiting. Three guys delivering food.

[Ryan Hansen]

Three men with cameras.

[Aaron]

Can't be too safe nowadays.

[Dax Shepard]

But Aaron used to get out of that school early. Of course, they couldn't expect those kids to be in school more than six hours or whatever.

[Aaron]

No, it was I think 8 to 11:30 or something. It was half of what a normal day would be.

[Dax Shepard]

So nice. Yeah, Just long enough to have four or five cigarettes.

[Aaron]

Play some ball.

[Ryan Hansen]

In class. Or was it. No, you had a smoke break.

[Aaron]

Yeah, there was a smoking room.

[Dax Shepard]

Smoking room.

[Ryan Hansen]

I was hitting those darts on the set this last month and Charles. Oh, so fun.

[Dax Shepard]

Cuz your character smoked.

[Ryan Hansen]

No, one of the guys. And it would always have. I'm like, let me have. Oh, it's so nice.

[Dax Shepard]

You're so lucky.

[Ryan Hansen]

Oh, it's so fun.

[Dax Shepard]

You have such a loose grip with addictive stuff.

[Ryan Hansen]

Well, I didn't buy a vape this trip, which was a big deal for you, because I think I'd be on.

[Aaron]

That for a month after cigarettes instead.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, those are easier to put down than the vape.

[Ryan Hansen]

Well, because they smell so bad. You can vape anywhere.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. You can get away. Also, if you come in the house and you've had some darts.

[Ryan Hansen]

Yeah. Your kids are so bad. Oh yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

And your kids are on high alert for all things, especially one of them. It's really funny that you spend like the first 30 of your life hiding everything from your parents, and then next you spend a third hiding your life from your kids. Totally.

[Ryan Hansen]

I mean, my dad, we grew up. There's zero alcohol in the house. He was a man of the cloth, so you couldn't drink. But I remember one time like, hey, Jack, he was doing yard work on a Saturday. Can I sip some of your Mountain Dew in this Styrofoam cup? He's like, no, no, you can't have that. So he goes out and does the weeds and I take a sip. I'm like, this is disgusting. It was definitely like a little white wine or something.

[Dax Shepard]

So he was having a little on the side. Good for.

[Ryan Hansen]

He was snaking it.

[Dax Shepard]

Good for Brad.

[Aaron]

He deserved it.

[Ryan Hansen]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, you know what?

[Aaron]

This should tie into this. He might have to edit it out, but maybe not.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay.

[Aaron]

I wrote this just for Ryan. Did you know where the vagina was the first time you were with a girl?

[Dax Shepard]

Great question.

[Aaron]

My first time, I thought she only had a butt.

[Ryan Hansen]

Oh, my God.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Let me hear your first time.

[Dax Shepard]

Erin.

[Aaron]

Elementary. Elementary school. This was first time doing the anatomy. So this was Melissa. I dug this hole in my yard. I turned it into what I thought was gonna be my fort, but it was kind of just a hole that took way too long to dig. Like, weeks. And I would cover it up with sticks and stuff, so no one knew about it. I found this deck of cards and some magazines. Magazine that I put on the dirt inside there.

[Dax Shepard]

Decoration. Yeah. Yeah.

[Aaron]

So it was like naked girls on the cars, which it was just huge bushes, you know?

[Ryan Hansen]

Sure.

[Aaron]

Which, of course, didn't help at all. Trying to find the vagine.

[Ryan Hansen]

So somewhere in the bush.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Aaron]

And then when they don't have a bush, which this girl did not because we're children. So we were, like, kissing.

[Dax Shepard]

We're in a garage or.

[Ryan Hansen]

No, in the hole.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, in the hole.

[Aaron]

That's in the hole.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. Entertainment.

[Aaron]

So we got naked and.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, my God. What grade is this?

[Aaron]

Probably like fourth.

[Ryan Hansen]

Fourth grade.

[Dax Shepard]

Naked in a dirt hole.

[Aaron]

Oh, my God. I never told you this.

[Dax Shepard]

I am in a dirt hole.

[Aaron]

So we were in the hole. There was nothing going on. No one was horny.

[Dax Shepard]

You're not just committed to doing that.

[Aaron]

Yeah. So she was, like, touching my tiny baldpecker, and I feel like I'm gonna go to jail for talking about when I was 8 or whatever.

[Dax Shepard]

It's hard to know who the victim is in this story, really.

[Aaron]

So anyway, I was looking for the vagina, and I was like, so her belly button. I'm like, well, that's not it.

[Dax Shepard]

Sure.

[Aaron]

Then I was like. Or is it? So I was, like, rubbing her stomach and. Yeah. I was kind of like, I guess this is it.

[Dax Shepard]

You gave up.

[Ryan Hansen]

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

[Aaron]

Because I thought, well, the only thing left is her butt.

[Dax Shepard]

Yep.

[Ryan Hansen]

Yeah. I'm so happy it ended there. This is wonderful.

[Dax Shepard]

That was my exact experience, too. But I was newly at Muir, sixth grade, and this really popular seventh grader liked me, I guess. We were going together and we went to the Milford Cinema. And then afterwards, you'd go to Deanna's and hang out, and she's like, let's go behind the garage. And so we're behind the garage, and I had been up someone's shirt at that point, and I'd made out a lot, but that was it. And then in the middle of it, she said, I love getting fingers. Which, again, this is where we grew up. Like, I've yet to meet a girl this aggressively sexual since. And I met a few of them at that period. Aaron as well. I'm like, oh, right, she wants me to do that. No. And I put my hand on her pants, and I was going down and down. And I'm like, okay, hello. This is where my penis would be. There's hair. And then, yeah, starting to panic and going, well, the next thing would be her butthole. She doesn't have a vagina. Where the fuck is it? Why isn't it right there? And I'm pushing, probably on her mom's pubis baton, looking for the penis. And then she goes, have you never done this before? And I just panicked and, like, pot committed. I just slammed my head deeper in there.

[Ryan Hansen]

Found it.

[Dax Shepard]

I'm like, I'm gonna fucking touch her butthole and that's gonna be that. And then I found it.

[Ryan Hansen]

But, oh, my gosh.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, it was like nine inches lower than I was expecting. Totally. Oh, my gosh.

[Aaron]

I'm like, the first three girls I was with only had butts.

[Dax Shepard]

We started asking girls before, well, do you have a vagina? My last few years butt, I came to masturbation in the weirdest way. It's back at the original junior high, sixth grade, and I'm with this dirtbag who I rarely hung out with, but we're walking down the road for hours, and I don't know why he says randomly, like, yeah, all those underwear models are gay. He doesn't say that. But worse, they all have Vaseline stains on their underwear from whacking off. This is a sentence I hear, right? And I'm like, I don't really think a ton of it then other than, oh, it's gay, it's gay, and underwear model, whatever. And then maybe three weeks later, I'm at my dad's house on the weekend and I'm like, rifling through his dresser, like I did every time I visited. Like, as soon as he went to the bar, I would, like, check out everything he had, and I just found this fucking enormous jug of Vaseline. I could hear him in my head saying, like, dude, gay's dude jacking off. And then I was like, just rub it on your penis. And I remember sitting on my dad's bed with a fucking huge jar of thick Vaseline on his bed and rubbing it and it's confusing. Doesn't feel like anything. And then all of a sudden, it starts feeling insane. And I think I'm losing my sight, maybe. And I stop making midway. I panic. And then I put the Vaseline away and everything. Over the next week, I kept thinking, wait, was that actually, like, about to feel great? Like, I started questioning whether or not. And I was like, I gotta. Next time I'm at my dad's, I'm gonna pursue that again. And sure enough, he went to the bar and I ran upstairs and counted all of his money and then got the Vaseline out and then saw it through. And then you're just. You're completely on the game of the race.

[Ryan Hansen]

Yeah. Yeah. Absolute.

[Dax Shepard]

Just doesn't stain.

[Aaron]

Then all your underwear is stained.

[Dax Shepard]

Yes. And you're one of those gay models.

[Ryan Hansen]

Those gorgeous gay models.

[Dax Shepard]

And then guilt. And what's so weird is, like, there was no religion in my house really, to speak of, but I felt so guilty. I was constantly trying to quit. I remember, like, if I used my mom's lotion, I felt perverted. All right. Like, if I went and got some.

[Ryan Hansen]

Of her intensive care smells like your.

[Dax Shepard]

Mom Vaseline, intensive care. Like, oh, my God, I'm going to hell. I use my mother's sweet, wholesome lotion for this.

[Ryan Hansen]

Yeah. I think I always pretty much felt guilty after it, for sure.

[Dax Shepard]

Do you remember when you started, Aaron?

[Aaron]

Well, Unwillingly took part in some of that nonsense. Right around that same time. I was digging the hole and all that. They came back to bite me with that very safe neighborhood I was in.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Yeah.

[Ryan Hansen]

So safe.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Aaron]

So I was being taught that Unwillingly.

[Ryan Hansen]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

Buy an older grocer.

[Aaron]

Yeah. But the first time this was probably.

[Ryan Hansen]

Sure.

[Aaron]

Sixth grade.

[Dax Shepard]

I still remember my very first sexual feeling, but it wasn't for humans. I was, like, in fifth grade, and I was asleep and I woke up with a boner, which I think was the first time I remember doing that. And in my dream, I had been humping this rock that was on my way to school, that was on the walk that I saw all the time.

[Ryan Hansen]

Sexy ass rock. Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

I had, like, a sex dream of about this rock. Oh, my God. And for the next year that I walked to school before I changed schools, I'd always look at that rock on the corn and just be, like, waiting for some spark to hit me and then kind of wanting to hump it but knowing you can't possibly do that. Eight in the morning.

[Ryan Hansen]

Oh, my gosh.

[Dax Shepard]

But I do. I always, like, lock eyes with this rock.

[Ryan Hansen]

Every day.

[Dax Shepard]

And I just didn't know what that feeling was. Just like I feel the urge to grind on that rock.

[Ryan Hansen]

Did you ever grind on the rock? I didn't need it.

[Aaron]

Was it too big to, like, take home?

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, my God. It was a boulder. It was like someone had it as, like, landscape art, of course.

[Aaron]

Why am I thinking it's this big?

[Ryan Hansen]

Oh, my God, that is so funny, dude. It's actually boulder.

[Dax Shepard]

Those early things, they led to one of the craziest stories I have. Which is around that time. Also, I'm watching the movie Real Genius with Val Kilmer. And at one point he's making fun of, like, the nerd in the school that they hate. His name's Clark, maybe or something? No, it's Kent. And he's like, kent, what were you doing when we found you naked with that bowl of jello? And I just remember hearing that, thinking, like, oh, yeah, that would feel really good, wouldn't it?

[Ryan Hansen]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

I was just, like, introduced to that notion from that movie. It was just floating around in my head for, I guess, eight years. And then I moved to Santa Monica. I'm 21 and I'm at Savon store. And I see that. That there's like five boxes of Jell O for a dollar. And I'm like, oh, it's fucking perfect. I live by myself. I've always been thinking about it and I'm gonna love it. So I'm gonna buy five boxes, which I did. And then I came home and I made the Jello. And I thought it was just Jell O immediately. Cause I'd never made it. Oh, really? I like Jello. Gotta let it set. So I'm just waiting. I'm sitting in my La Z Boy while it's cooling in the fridge. And I'm so. I feel like I could maybe spray before I even.

[Ryan Hansen]

Oh, my God.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. So I got it out early, but it had taken enough shape. And it was in a pint glass. And I put my dick in it. And it just immediately turned to Kool Aid. It was such a waste of everything. Like, I was probably a couple hours into this fantasy by the time I stick it in there. I'm standing in my kitchen. Cause you can't really lay down and fuck the Jello. Cause it would just pour on you. So I'm, like, trying to fuck it in my kitchen. This red dye spilling all over the floor. I'm, like, totally bummed with the whole thing. I throw it in the sink, I jerk off traditional style. Then the next morning, I wake up and I go pee and I have like a rash on my dick. But because I'm 21, I'm always convinced I have an STD. So I'm like, oh, the dye stuck to an STD that I didn't know I had.

[Ryan Hansen]

And it's a rash, it's not the dye.

[Dax Shepard]

I just. I decide I have a rash or no, I think it is a rash. I don't know I have an std. I know that. Cause it just showed me. And so I have no insurance or anything. So I look up in the phone book, LA Free Clinic. And I go. And I know you already know the end of the story, but I go in there and I'm so embarrassed. And I don't know really how I'm gonna explain the jello part of this. And then I decide I'm gonna act like me and my girlfriend were experimenting.

[Ryan Hansen]

Totally. That's the move.

[Dax Shepard]

So I check in and then I'm behind a sheet and this doctor comes in. She's maybe three years older than me. She's so young and she's so pretty. And I'm like, oh my God. And she's like, so what's going on? And I go, well, I think I might have something. My girlfriend and I were experimenting with jello and oral sex. And she's like, kind of. She didn't laugh, but she likes the setup to this. And then she goes, okay, well, let's see what we got going on. Pull your pants, like down. And she gets now down. And she's like down at my crotch. And she looks up at me and she goes, what flavor was it? And I go, strawberry. And she goes, raspberry is my favorite.

[Ryan Hansen]

Oh, gosh.

[Dax Shepard]

At the beginning of a. I got 100% erect, like is. I'm 21. It's like a two by four dead hard right in front of her face.

[Ryan Hansen]

Oh, my God.

[Dax Shepard]

And she like pushes it to the side and this side. And she goes, yeah, this is nothing. You're just a little irritated from the dye. But you don't have to.

[Ryan Hansen]

You get a little worked up.

[Aaron]

Oh my gosh.

[Ryan Hansen]

Dude, did you apologize when you got.

[Dax Shepard]

I didn't know what to do.

[Ryan Hansen]

Yeah, what do you do? You just stand there.

[Dax Shepard]

And then I'm telling myself too, like, why would she have said that other than she is flirting with me? I don't know. My favorite's raspberry.

[Ryan Hansen]

Oh, I think I've seen that Pornell.

[Dax Shepard]

Now, the funny and punchline to that story is a year and a half later I meet Brie. I fall in love. Brie moves in and like probably 10 times she offers after dinner, you want me to make some of that jello? Cause it's just four boxes are sitting in there. And I said no a bunch of times. And then she goes, you never want this Jello. Why do you even have it? And I go, I go, I hate Jello, okay? I don't like Jello. I bought it cause I wanted to fuck it because of this movie. And I just, I came clean. And then she was like laughing so hard.

[Ryan Hansen]

That was so good.

[Dax Shepard]

That that was basically a sex style covered.

[Ryan Hansen]

Oh my gosh.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh well. Ryan, I love you.

[Ryan Hansen]

Love you guys. That was so nice.

[Dax Shepard]

It's just nice to drive around in J.

[Ryan Hansen]

Record anything.

[Dax Shepard]

Who cares? Who gives.