← Ask Pastor John
Ask Pastor John
How to Save a Marriage
00:16:59
To redeem relationships, we need humility — but how do we get that kind of sacrificial heart? Looking to Christ and his cross strips away entitlement.
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- [00:04]
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Well, most of us enter relationships with a notebook of sorts, invisible ledger. What we do for others, we track. What we are owed, we track. We keep a record of relational give and take. There's a sort of a balance. When the debts are unpaid, we grow distant. But there's a phrase in the Bible that John Piper claims has the sheer power to heal broken friendships and even to save countless hurting marriages. The catch? It requires doing something that goes against every natural self protective instinct we have inside of us. Today on Ask Pastor John how to Save a Marriage. That's in just a moment. First, as our fiscal year ends in June here at Desiring God. In the last year we've launched our next generation vision to aggressively spread great joy in a big God to the next generation generation. We are upgrading our technology and expanding the distribution of our resources far and wide. All of it free of charge. Please consider joining us by giving a monthly or a one time gift to help offset the cost of free for thousands. Just like you. You can go to desiringgod.orggive today. That's desiringgod.org give and of course, if you already support us, thank you very much for making all of this possible. All right, today on Ask Pastor John how to Save a Marriage. I'm referring to a tweet from Pastor John back in 2018. This grabbed my attention and I've thought about it a lot over the years. Here's what he wrote on Twitter. How many marriages could be saved, broken friendships, reconciled families held together if we all looked not only to our own interests, but also to the interests of others. Of course, the verses he has in mind Here is Philippians 2, verses 3 and 4. Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. The interests of others. That's the key phrase. Those four words can save a marriage, heal a broken friendship, hold together a family and his why. Verse 4 is also for Piper. He said this, I think, my most recurrent prayer for myself. End quote. Verse four is perhaps the most reoccurring prayer Pastor John prays for himself. That admission came a decade before the 2018 tweet in a 2008 sermon called the Mind of Christ. It's an extraordinary sermon on Philippians 2:4, and today I want to share a couple of clips from that sermon, if for no other reason than to preach this to my own soul. Because I don't do Philippians 2:4 well, I want this to become a main prayer. I pray for myself and something that I actually do better in my life. Here's Pastor John.
- [03:05]
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My main prayer for myself. I think my most recurrent prayer for myself has been verse 4. That God would do such a deep work in me that I would not only look to my own interests, but also to the interests of others. I just want to be less selfish. I want to be more other oriented. I want that to be a more default posture for me. I don't want to have to work at it as hard. I would like it to grow up in me. Because I think if we as a church could become verse four, I just think we'd be so wise. God loves to bestow wisdom about how to live when verse four is happening in a church. Let's read it. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Now, the word interest there is a filler. It's not there in the original. It's just a filler, just your own and the others. So it could be this paraphrase. Let each of you look not only to his own financial affairs, your own property, your own family, your own health, your own reputation, your own education, your own success, your own happiness. Don't just think about that. Don't just have feelings and desires about that. Don't just strategize about improving that. Also take thought, look to spy out, go after. Be interested in the financial affairs, the property, the family, the health, the reputation, the education, the success and the happiness of other people like your wife or husband or kids or neighbor person you walk by on the street. He's asking for the impossible for selfish, depraved human beings who expect to be served and be treated well and are not by nature outgoing to serve others and to take interest in others. We're not like that. It takes a miracle for that to happen to a human being. That's what Christianity does to a person. That's why Christ died for us. As we'll see. If you're watching television and your child says, would you play with me? Don't just think about how tired you are. That's thinking of your own interests. Yes, you're tired. Think about that and then think about the other's interests and by an act of gospel fashioned Christ exalting will. If you have to put the child's interests before the pleasures of your relaxation. The key, it seems, to this kind of behavior is verse three. At least part of the key. Do nothing from rivalry or Conceit. But here it comes. In humility, count others more significant than yourselves. The old King James translates the second half of that verse. Each esteem the other better than themselves. Now I remember in the ninth grade thinking that's impossible because my sister Beverly, older than I could read it felt like 10 times faster than I could. Probably she could. She took one Bobsy Twins novel and read the whole thing in an evening, 150 pages. So clearly she could not count me a better reader like the Bible says she should count others better than yourselves. However, I got good grades in algebra and Beverly really struggled, so there was no way I could count her better than me in algebra. So that's so much for my 9th grade exegesis. I missed the point. What's wrong with that? Sounds kind of. I just missed it. What's wrong with the way? I was thinking about verse three, second half of the verse. The point was not what others are. The point was what you count them to be. And the focus is not on how they read or do math or any other trait. The focus is will you count them worthy of your service, worthy of dying for, worthy of going down and lifting them up, worthy of taking interest in their affairs? Will you count them that whether they're that or not? That was the point. Count others. Count others a certain way. So would I encourage her and take time to help her and stop shooting buckets in the driveway? It says in verse three, in humility, count others more significant than yourselves worthy of your attention, your service. That word humility there. Lowliness is the great opposite of a sense of entitlement. You want my definition of humility? Use that one. It's the opposite of a sense of entitlement. So do you walk through life mainly feeling you owe me? You owe me a certain. Look, when I walk by you on the street, you owe me a certain behavior in the neighborhood. You owe me that newspaper before 6:30. You owe me. And I get mad when you don't pay. Is that your basic orientation? If it's not. If it is, you're not humble and I'm not humble. You need to pray for your pastors. Who in the world can be like that? Well, Christians.
- [10:13]
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Yeah. A miracle. Paul is asking for the impossible for selfish, depraved human beings who expect to be served and to be treated well and are not by nature outgoing. To serve others and to take interest in others. We're not like that. No, we are not like that. But we must become this. How? How do we do this? Here's How Pastor John stated this in his book Providence towards the end of the book, his big thick book on providence. Love cannot flourish where fear or greed consumes the heart with self protecting or self enhancing passions. The heart must be set free from self focus for the sake of focusing on others. Something must break this double power, fearing loss and craving gain. What breaks this power is the unshakable certainty of hope warranted by the unstoppable blood bought omnipotence of merciful providence. Wow, that's a mouthful. The kind of love that Paul's calling for is impossible. Apart from the cross. Apart from the cross is impossible. That's the point. And this is where we must go. And it's exactly where Paul goes in Philippians 2, looking out for the interests of others. He immediately roots this in Philippians 2, verses 5 to 8, which gloriously explains how Christ did this exact thing for us. Have this mind among you, he says, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself by taking the form of a servant. Being born in the likeness of men and being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. So who in the world can live out Philippians 2:4 and look out for the interests of others? Only Christians following the pattern of their redeemer in Philippians 2 verses 5 to 8. And this is exactly why Piper mentioned reading and math earlier. Those proficiencies. Being superior in certain things is why you look out for others interests who are inferior. That's what Christ proves to us in this very text in Philippians 2. He is superior to us and yet he took up our interests. And so the cross shatters entitlement, it just destroys that ledger book. Here again is piper in the 2008
- [12:35]
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when he owed you nothing but hell, he went to hell for you. Until you're stunned by that, you will have a sense of entitlement. You will walk through life and your basic orientation will be you owe me. But as soon as it lands on you with stunning force that you were owed hell and you got heaven at the cost of the life of the Son of God. So much for your sense of entitlement. It's over. Humility happens. It's a battle. We have to preach it to ourselves. We have to preach the gospel to ourselves every day. That's where it comes from. That's where verse four comes from. In humility. View people a certain way Namely not as those who owe you, but ones that you owe service to. Verse 4 drawing it out so don't just take interest in your own life, take interest in others. Because that's the way you are in Christ. Let this mind, this mind be in you, which you have in Christ. That's the culture. Would not that be a beautiful culture? Wouldn't that be beautiful in a marriage? Wouldn't that be beautiful in parenting? Wouldn't that be beautiful in a church with lots of diversity ethnically, age, marital status, socioeconomic? Wouldn't that be beautiful? It would. It's a beautiful thing. The church broken and bruised. Let us move toward this beauty.
- [14:30]
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Wow. As Christ centered and beautiful. Amen. So Piper can say my main prayer for myself. I think my most reoccurrent prayer for myself has been verse 4. This text is one of the most convicting, one of the most beautiful, and one of the most transforming texts in the Bible. Yeah. So useful and just on this podcast Philippians 2:4 explains why adult children care for their elderly parents. That was APJ 1078. It's what protects those suffering with chronic pain from living a life centered on their own chronic pain. That was APJ548. It's why we can serve people who are superior or inferior to us in APJ 1154. And it's how the gospel, rightly understood, protects leaders from mistreating and abusing those who are under their charge in APJ 1735 and is why men put their phones away at the dinner table with their wives. That was APJ 633. To say it again, how many marriages could be saved? Broken friendships, reconciled families held together if we all looked not only to our own interests but also to the interests of others. All possible in Christ in the one who didn't begin his descent from a position of weakness. The one who had every legitimate entitlement in the universe, who had the right to hold onto his dignity and to ignore our need, and who chose not to. He emptied himself. He came all the way down taking the form of a servant to die the most disgusting death imaginable for us. He could not have gone any lower to look out for my interests or your interests. He went as low as possible. Such grace can save a broken marriage. Thanks for joining us today and in considering the needs of others. Thank you for considering joining us by giving monthly or a one time gift to help offset the cost of free for thousands. Just like you. Go to desiringgod.org give that's desiring God.org give we're back to looking at Christ's ultimate sacrifice on the cross and why we so desperately need it. Because on Monday, we hear from a teenager whose friend was murdered. Heavy Looking at God's purposes, sovereignty and a murdered friend. That's up. Next time on Monday, Pastor John and I will see you then.