Should You Marry Her Anyway?

Summary

Podcast Summary: Ask Pastor John — "Should You Marry Her Anyway?"

Date: July 13, 2026
Host: Tony Reinke
Guest: Pastor John Piper

Episode Overview

This episode addresses a heartfelt and complex question from a young man, Luke, who has maintained sexual purity and now is pursuing a serious relationship with a Christian woman who has a sexual past. Luke seeks biblical counsel and wisdom from Pastor John Piper on whether he should proceed toward marriage with her, wrestling with issues of forgiveness, trust, repentance, and the ongoing consequences of sin.

---

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Listener's Dilemma & Question (00:04–01:59)

• Summary:
  Luke, a 25-year-old Christian and virgin, has fallen for a woman who also loves Christ but does not share his sexual history of abstinence. While she is repentant, Luke struggles with feelings of loss, concern about marital happiness, and questions whether he should seek a partner with a similar past.

• Quote:

  "She has repented and asked Jesus for forgiveness. But I'm also painfully aware that sins have ongoing consequences and that I'm going to have to carry this memory for the rest of my life." – Luke (01:22)

---

2. Guidance Rooted in Scripture and Wisdom (01:59–10:18)

a. The Value of an Excellent Wife

• Proverbs 31:10 is cited to stress the true qualities to seek: moral and spiritual excellence, trustworthiness, and lifelong partnership. Physical attraction is a bonus, but not primary.
• Quote:

  "There are no perfect women, but there are excellent women. There are trustworthy women." – John Piper (02:16)

b. Marriage as a Gift from God

• Marriage partners are ultimately a gift "from the Lord" (Proverbs 19:14); discernment and prayer are crucial to determine if a person is brought into your life by God.

c. Five Biblical Considerations for Luke

1. Is Her Repentance Sincere?

   • Key question: Is there evidence of genuine change? Courting/dating is a time for discerning true character and real repentance.
   • Quote:

     "Genuine repentance is reflected in new character strengths. Otherwise, it's not repentance. Repentance means change." – John Piper (03:24)

2. The Power of Grace vs. the Power of Sin

   • 1 Corinthians 6:9-11 underscores the church is filled with formerly sinful people now justified and sanctified. The miracle of being "washed" far outweighs the gravity of past sin.
   • Quote:

     "Don't treat the transforming grace of God as less powerful than the corrupting power of sin. That would dishonor Christ, dishonor the Holy Spirit." – John Piper (04:08)

3. Biblical Marriage Models

   • Neither God (with Israel) nor Christ (with the Church) began with perfect, pure brides; each created purity in their beloved.
   • Piper references Ezekiel 16:5–7 and Ephesians 5 to illustrate that a holy marriage grows from love, faith, and the process of sanctification.
   • Quote:

     "Marriage does not begin with a sinless bride. It begins with love and faith and progresses with growing holiness." – John Piper (06:23)

4. Your Core Concern — Sin or Sex?

   • Piper distinguishes being troubled by her sinful actions versus the mere fact of previous sexual experience. If it’s the sin that troubles you, repentance and forgiveness are the way forward.
   • Scripture is clear that marriage to a widow (who has had sex before) is honorable, and that God can restore beauty and intimacy.
   • Quote:

     "It is possible for a man to have a beautiful sexual relationship with a wife who in a previous marriage has had sex with another man hundreds of times." – John Piper (08:03)

5. Love’s Consuming Power

   • The ultimate, decisive question: Do you love her with a love that overcomes all obstacles? Piper cites Song of Solomon 8:6-7.
   • Quote:

     "Love is as strong as death... Many waters cannot quench love, neither can floods drown it." – John Piper reading Song of Solomon (09:43)

   • If so, “you will find in Jesus all the resources necessary for forgiveness and faithfulness and joy.”

---

3. Memorable Reflections & Takeaways (10:27–11:19)

• Tony Reinke summarizes:

  "Marriage does not begin with a sinless bride. Now we all come to the altar. Broken bride Angeram. The mistake is thinking that past sin is stronger than God's forgiveness. Don't treat the transforming grace of God as less powerful than the corrupting power of sin." – Tony Reinke (10:27)

• Application:
  Christ-centered love and real, grace-rooted repentance can foster a holy, joyful, and lasting marriage regardless of past failures.

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On True Repentance:

  "Genuine repentance is reflected in new character strengths. Otherwise, it's not repentance." – John Piper (03:24)

• On Grace Surpassing Sin:

  "Don't treat the transforming grace of God as less powerful than the corrupting power of sin... Where sin abounded, grace did much more abound." – John Piper (04:08)

• On How God Makes His Bride Pure:

  "God did not find her beautiful. He made her beautiful." – John Piper (06:03)

• On Love’s Power:

  "Do you love this woman with the kind of love that consumes like a fire every obstacle standing in the way of your enjoyment of her presence and her commitment?" – John Piper (09:11)

---

Timestamps for Important Segments

• 00:04–01:59 — Listener question: Purity, repentance, and fear of a “second-rate” marriage.
• 01:59–02:53 — The Bible’s standard for an excellent wife.
• 02:53–03:52 — Repentance as the heart of character discernment.
• 04:08–05:00 — The miracle of grace versus the gravity of sin.
• 06:03–07:13 — God’s marriage to Israel and Christ’s to the Church: Illustrations of redemption.
• 08:03–09:00 — Biblical affirmation of remarriage and sexuality.
• 09:11–10:00 — The primacy of a love that overcomes all obstacles.
• 10:27–11:19 — Summation: Grace is stronger than sin; marriage is a story of redemption.

---

Conclusion

Pastor John Piper answers Luke’s question with nuanced biblical wisdom, urging him to focus on real repentance, the matchless power of God’s grace, and the all-consuming nature of Christlike love. He challenges the presumption that sexual history is determinative, reminding all listeners that no one comes pure or perfect to marriage—rather, marriages are made holy through God’s ongoing work of grace.

---

Further Resources

• Ask Pastor John book (see summary of related episodes, p. 141)
• Next episode: "Failing Men: Why Do Good Men Fail God?"

---

Transcript

[A]

For your part, you did things right. Not perfectly, but right. You waited. You saved yourself for marriage. You made purity pledges, you kept boundaries. You committed your sexuality to God early. And then you met someone great. She loves Christ and you have a lot in common. You can see your future with her. And then she drops a bombshell revelation on you. She didn't wait and suddenly all the clarity you thought you had becomes a fog and a fear. Did her past ruin your future? It's a difficult question Today on Ask Pastor John. Should you marry her anyway? The question is from a confused young man named Luke. Pastor John, I want to thank the Lord first of all for your devotion to him and to us all in providing so many thoughtful biblical answers to tough questions over the years. Many of those answers have helped me at just the right time in life when I needed it. And I wanted to ask you about dating, relationships and virginity and ask your advice. I'm a single 25 year old man, a virgin. I've striven to live a sexually pure life for God and for my future wife. Recently I met a girl who is a loving Christian woman. I like and share a lot in common with her. Except for this. She is not a virgin. This came as a shock to me. To be honest, the clarity I once had is gone. I don't know what to do. She has repented and asked Jesus for forgiveness. But I'm also painfully aware that sins have ongoing consequences and that I'm going to have to carry this memory for the rest of my life. Should I marry her, I'm worried I'm going to have a second rate marriage. I know ultimate happiness isn't found in marriage or in this life, but in Jesus alone. However, I'm in a position where I could end this relationship and find another Christian woman who is a virgin. I guess what I'm asking is this. What Bible truth can you offer as I make this decision?

[B]

Well, let's start with this. Proverbs 31:10 an excellent wife who can find she is far more precious than jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her. There are no perfect women, but there are excellent women. There are trustworthy women. And what you want in a woman is a morally and spiritually excellent, trustworthy lifelong partner. If she can be pretty, that's a bonus. But that's not the focus. Where does such a wife come from? Proverbs 19:14 answers House and wealth are inherited from fathers, but a prudent wife is from the Lord. I don't have any doubt that my wife of 57 years was and is from the Lord. The circumstances surrounding our meeting, our first talking, our falling in love, were not designed by us. And may it be so with you. So how shall you think about the woman in your life as God's gift to you and you to her. How does her previous sexual immorality. That's the phrase from the. From the New Testament. The old phrase is fornication. How does that figure into this? Here are five things to consider from the Bible. One, Is her repentance sincere? Are there evidences, as you know her now, that her past sin is a sign of an ongoing character flaw that would suggest she is untrustworthy? That's your key question? There's no formula here. This is what courting or dating or engagement is for. A time for both of you to discern each other's character. And you need to pray that God give you discernment. Pray earnestly. The Lord will show you and her your true selves. That's what you want. Genuine repentance is reflected in new character strengths. Otherwise, it's not repentance. Repentance means change. Whatever sinfulness or weakness caused her to have sexual relations outside God's will should be deeply regretted, deeply changed. And God will help you see what he's done in her life. Second, don't treat the transforming grace of God as less powerful than the corrupting power of sin. That would dishonor Christ, dishonor the Holy Spirit. Believe. First Corinthians 6, 9, 11. Do not be deceived. Neither sexually immoral. That's her action. Nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality, nor thieves, nor greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. They won't. But such were some of you. What a statement about the church. But you were washed, you were sanctified. You were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus and by the Spirit of God. Don't treat that miracle as less glorious than the ugliness of her sin. Where sin abounded, grace did much more abound. 3. Keep in mind the marriage of God to Israel and the marriage of Christ to his Church. Neither. Neither God nor Christ found a pure bride. They made a pure bride. Listen to God's engagement and marriage to Israel in Ezekiel 16:5 to 7. It's an. It's an incredible chapter. No, I pitied you talking God talking to his. His bride that he found. No, I pitied you. You were cast out on the open field. You were abhorred on the day you were born. And when I passed by you and saw you wallowing in your blood, I said to you, in your blood, live. I made you flourish like a plant of the field. And you grew up and became tall and arrived at full adornment. Your breasts were formed and your hair had grown, yet you were naked and bare. God did not find her beautiful. He made her beautiful. Here's the marriage of Jesus with his church in Ephesians 5. Husbands, love your wives. Christ loved the church. Love her as Christ loved the Church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the Word, so that he might present the Church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. Now, this doesn't mean we go looking for the most impure woman we can find to marry. We're not God, and we don't have his ability to sanctify. But the picture is telling, isn't it? Marriage does not begin with a sinless bride. It begins with love and faith and progresses with growing holiness. 4. Ask yourself whether you are concerned that she has had sex or whether you are concerned that she has had sinful sex. If you are primarily concerned that it was sinful, that's good. And you know what the answer to that is. Repentance from her, forgiveness from you. But if you are concerned about the sheer fact of her previous sexual intercourse, and whether it will be in your minds when you lie together, and whether it will fill your thoughts and ruin the purity of the ecstasy, remember this. The Bible teaches that it is good for young widows to remarry, which means it is possible for a man to. To have a beautiful sexual relationship with a wife who in a previous marriage has had sex with another man hundreds of times. That doesn't mean that both of you may not be tempted to go there in your mind, but it does mean you don't have to. And the Lord will give you great grace to enjoy each other for who you are now in the moment. Finally, number five, when all these things have taken their proper place, all those four things that I've suggested. The decisive question Luke is going to be, do you love this woman with the kind of love that consumes like a fire every obstacle standing in the way of your enjoyment of her presence and her commitment? Test yourself. This is the song of Solomon. Set me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm, for love is as strong as death. Jealousy is fierce as the grave. It flashes like fire the very flame of the Lord. Many waters cannot quench love, neither can flood drown it. If a man offered for love all the wealth of his house, he would be utterly despised. That's song of Solomon. 8, 6 and 7. Do you love her like this? If so, then you will find in Jesus all the resources necessary for forgiveness and faithfulness and joy.

[A]

Yeah. Marriage does not begin with a sinless bride. Now we all come to the altar. Broken bride Angeram. The mistake is thinking that past sin is stronger than God's forgiveness. Don't treat the transforming grace of God as less powerful than the corrupting power of sin. Yeah, that's good. If her repentance is real, the grace is real. Christ centered love grounded in faith can build into a holy, joyful marriage. Thank you, Pastor John, for, for this. We have covered so many topics on dating, romance, idols, fornication, and you can see a summary of all those episodes in the Ask Pastor John book beginning on page 141. If you want more. It's a lot to cover because the complexity of this season of life, of finding a spouse, it has so many questions that come along with it. Today we spoke of a failing woman. Next time, failing Men. Why do good men fail God? I'm Tony Reinke, Pastor John and I will see you back here on Thursday.