Bondage Videos

Summary

Ask the Mediatrician — “Bondage Videos”
Date: October 29, 2019
Host: Dr. Michael Rich, with Christelle Lavallee

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Episode Overview

This episode tackles a challenging question from a mother concerned about her 10-year-old daughter watching female bondage videos on YouTube. Dr. Michael Rich (“the Mediatrician”) and child development expert Christelle Lavallee explore how parents can handle situations involving exposure to mature or confusing media content. The discussion emphasizes open communication, developmentally appropriate responses, and avoiding shame or stigma—a practical, nonjudgmental guide for parents navigating media’s influence on children’s health and development.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Celebrating Openness and Trust (02:41 — 05:09)

• Dr. Rich commends the mother, “Barbara,” for both reaching out and for fostering a relationship where her daughter felt safe confiding about her viewing habits.

• Quote:

  "Barbara's daughter clearly trusts her enough to share this with her...that's a clear sign that Barbara has developed a really trusting, strong communicative parenting relationship with her daughter." (Dr. Michael Rich, 03:08)

• Advice: Shift internal language from “confessed” to “shared” to reduce stigma and open channels of communication.

2. Understanding Children’s Curiosity and Media Exposure (05:09 — 08:52)

• It's developmentally normal for preteens to be curious about sexuality; most children stumble across sexual content accidentally—average first exposure to online pornography happens around age 9.

• Kids often repeatedly view confusing or distressing content as a way of “mastery”—trying to process and gain understanding, analogized to watching “Mary Poppins” 400 times.

• Quote:

  “She’s trying to master that understanding of why they allow themselves to be tied up. Seeking out sexual media is actually normal for 10 year olds.” (Dr. Michael Rich, 07:10)

• Dr. Rich suggests the parent ask to watch with her child, in a nonjudgmental, curious way, providing an opportunity for open, educational dialogue.

3. Moving Beyond Shame: A Nonjudgmental Approach (08:52 — 11:07)

• Parents should approach such conversations calmly and avoid letting personal fears or anxieties lead; emotional neutrality enables better listening.

• If the child reacts with withdrawal, guilt, or fear, that might signal something more serious (e.g., abuse)—consult a professional if so. If the child is confused but not distressed, continued communication is key.

• Quote:

  “Barbara has to discipline herself...to not let her emotions, her fears, her anxiety color her responses...and really listen to her daughter.” (Dr. Michael Rich, 09:23)

• Repetitive viewing might be a coping mechanism for stress, not necessarily the source of distress.

4. When To Seek Help (09:20 — 11:07)

• If the stress symptoms become disabling, therapy should be considered to help with this and future stresses.

5. Ending On a Positive Note: No Shame Parenting (11:23 — 12:03)

• Focus on building a “no shame” environment. The ability to talk openly and without judgment is the strongest tool parents have to support healthy development and trust.
• Quote:

  “Move past that stigma and that anxiety and create a no shame situation…help her be open and communicative as she has done so beautifully with her mom throughout her young life.” (Dr. Michael Rich, 11:35)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Reframing the Conversation:

  “It might be really helpful for Barbara to start by reframing the way she talks about it or thinks about it in her own mind. From ‘my daughter confessed this’ to ‘my daughter shared this.’ That shift may help Barbara to discuss it...without even inadvertently shaming her daughter.” (Dr. Michael Rich, 03:30)

• On Parental Emotional Control:

  “Barbara has to discipline herself in a sense to not let her emotions, her fears, her anxiety color her responses...” (Dr. Michael Rich, 09:23)

• On the Importance of Honest Dialogue:

  “This can lay very important groundwork for Barbara to talk with her daughter openly and honestly about important but difficult issues of human relationships and sexuality in a calm and thoughtful and fact-based way.” (Dr. Michael Rich, 08:07)

• On Positivity Amidst Difficulty:

  “I would argue that we've been positive throughout this with something that could be a minefield of disaster.” (Dr. Michael Rich, 11:23)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• [02:41] Listener’s question read; trust and openness in parent-child relationships
• [05:09] Why it's normal for kids to be curious; “watch together” recommendation
• [07:10] “Mastery through repetition” explained by Dr. Rich
• [09:20] How parents can manage their reactions and when to seek professional help
• [11:23] Positive takeaways & the value of a no-shame approach

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Summary Takeaways

• Exposure to confusing or sexual content online is common and not necessarily alarming—kids seek to understand what unsettles them.
• Fostering trust, open dialogue, and a nonjudgmental environment is more effective than shaming or reacting with fear.
• Parents should listen actively, check their own emotional responses, and consult professionals if serious distress or possible abuse is suspected.
• Using challenging situations as educational moments helps children develop critical thinking about media and relationships.

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For further information and science-based resources on healthy media habits, visit askthemediatrician.org.

Transcript

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[Dr. Michael Rich]

Hey, I'm Dr. Michael Rich, the mediatrician. I'm a practicing pediatrician and child health researcher who specializes in the effects of screen media on children's physical, mental and social health. I'm a filmmaker who understands how powerfully screens engage and and can change children and all of us. But I'm also a pediatrician who understands the science of child development and health. I bring these things together to help all of us understand how best to raise healthy, happy children in the digital age. And to help me, I'm here with our mediatrix educator, Christelle Lavallee.

[Christelle Lavallee]

We have a question. Michael, your boys, they're into YouTube, right?

[Dr. Michael Rich]

Unfortunately.

[Christelle Lavallee]

Well, this next question actually came to us via a very private direct message from a mom. I'm going to give her the name Barbara. She lives near us in Boston, Mass. And Barbara says my 10 year old daughter recently confessed to watching female bondage videos regularly on YouTube at least the past year. My question is, do other parents experience this? I understand why she might be curious, but I don't understand why she watches them again and again. She has had a lot of stress related symptoms, but I am unsure if there is a connection. According to her, she has not experienced any abuse or been an inappropriate situation with a peer or an adult. Any suggestions wisdom help? Appreciate your insight. First, Barbara, thank you so much for reaching out. My guess is that other parents do experience something very similar to what you're going through and are experiencing the same kinds of confusion and concerns that I'm getting from this question. It's so tough. So Michael, what can you offer Barbara?

[Dr. Michael Rich]

This is a very powerful question and the good thing here is that Barbara has had courage to speak up about something very stigmatizing that I'm sure many more parents experience in variety of ways and often don't talk about. So there are two good things here. One is that Barbara's speaking up about something that other people say or other people feel but don't say shove under the rug or just worry about and worry about and worry about. But here's the other good thing. Barbara's Daughter clearly trusts her enough to share this with her. She's told her mom about the bondage videos she's been watching and that's a clear sign that Barbara has developed a really trusting, strong communicative parenting relationship with her daughter because her daughter is freaked out by this too, and many would not mention it to their mom. So to build on that strength and maintain that openness, it might be really helpful for Barbara to start by reframing the way she talks about it or thinks about it in her own mind. From my daughter confessed this to my daughter shared this. That shift may help Barbara to discuss it openly and problem solve without even inadvertently shaming her daughter about it. And that's really, really important.

[Christelle Lavallee]

I love that advice. I think that's so crucial for any parent dealing with a similar situation. It's often so, so hard for kids to talk about these kinds of things with their parents because they, they just worry about being looked at as though they did something bad or wrong and their parents approval of them is paramount. So I love that kind of simple reframing of the situation. I think help parents react to their children in a loving way and assess the situation for what it is. You know, my child came to me, that's so important. But that said, I don't want to lose kind of what this girl is watching. These videos sound like serious adult content. Definitely not intended for 10 year olds. I was a little, you know, I've never seen a bondage video. So how can Barbara address her child's interest in them, especially if she has no idea what, you know, where this is coming from?

[Dr. Michael Rich]

Well, oddly enough, perhaps the most important way to build on this open communicative relationship is to ask her daughter to let her watch with her.

[Christelle Lavallee]

Oh, interesting. Okay.

[Dr. Michael Rich]

Help her daughter process that and talk it through and not do it from a place of fear that the child has been abused. But understanding that hypersexual behaviors in children, while they sometimes can be a sign that the child has been abused, are often there anyway. Kids are sexual from very early on in their lives and may have come upon these videos, her daughter may have come upon these videos just by chance. The average age now of a child stumbling on Pornography online is 9, I believe it. And what it is is something that confuses them, that they don't understand. But what we don't want them to do is to make it something bad. We have a long history in our culture of taking a values based approach to screens, of saying, you know, it's bad to see violence or it's bad to see nudity or sexuality. And instead of that, we should understand how we are changed and make those decisions not from a values based place, but from a place of understanding where we want our children to go and how we want them to develop and understand what the effects are on positive and negative sides of that. So I think that what's happening here quite possibly is that Barbara's daughter is watching this video out of curiosity and out of a desire to master it, because it's something that confuses her. My own children watched Mary Poppins about 400 times. You know, it's not like they didn't know the story, but they really needed to understand the whole piece of it and they just watched it over and over and over again to do that. So Barbara's daughter may be upset or intrigued by the images of bound women and she's trying to understand, she's trying to master that understanding of why they allow themselves to be tied up. Seeking out sexual media is actually normal for 10 year olds. So one fact we have to keep in mind of human development is that kids of all ages are aware of and explore their sexuality in, in different ways at different developmental stages. And since Barbara has such open trust and communication with her daughter, she can ask her in a curious, nonjudgmental way what draws her to the videos. And this might be a perfect discussion while watching one together. And this can not only offer an opportunity for her daughter to ask questions about gender, sex, power, objectification, who is tying up whom, who is controlling the situations, Is everybody safe? Is everybody consenting? But it also can lay a very important groundwork for Barbara to talk with her daughter openly and honestly about important but difficult issues of human relationships and sexuality in a calm and thoughtful and fact based way. Because her child is going to be confronting them again and again and again as she grows older.

[Christelle Lavallee]

So we've given Barbara some talking points and I think that's great, we've opened the door there. But I feel like, you know, that's one side of this scenario and that's going to be a difficult conversation. So Barbara, I really hope this is helping you out. But what can Barbara, you know, how can she prepare herself also for her daughter's responses to those questions? Cause those questions are really difficult. But I almost feel like the answers could be even more difficult to hear.

[Dr. Michael Rich]

Absolutely. So Barbara has to discipline herself in a sense to not let her emotions, her fears, her anxiety color her responses while she's busily trying to understand whether something harmful may have happened to her child as in abuse in the past. And so she needs to take a very level headed approach to it and think about how she is asking the questions and really listen to her daughter. If her daughter withdraws or acts guilty or fearful, it will be an important sign for Barbara to address this proactively with a pediatrician, with a psychologist or other professional. But if her daughter's interactions about this are normal for a child discussing anything that is confusing to her, even upsetting to her, it is possible that the connection between her viewing the videos and her stress symptoms is not so much that the videos are stressing her, but that she is watching and trying to master the images of bondage as an attempt to cope with her stress. Learning is stressful no matter what we're learning. When we're learning something that's confusing, it's that much more stressful. So I think we have to be very conscious of that content and not letting our own anxieties color it. But if the stress symptoms become disabling for Barbara's daughter, this would be a really important sign to seek out therapy to help her learn coping strategies not just with this stress, but with future stresses as well.

[Christelle Lavallee]

Definitely good for Barbara to be prepared for a lot of different ways that this could happen. So, Barbara, I think we've given you a lot to think about and to prepare for. Michael, any chance we can end this one on a positive note? We started so positively and I just want to kind of bring it home on that too.

[Dr. Michael Rich]

Well, I would argue that we've been positive throughout this with something that could be a minefield of disaster.

[Christelle Lavallee]

You know that's true. That's absolutely true. I feel better about it too.

[Dr. Michael Rich]

I think that what's really important here is to move past that stigma and that anxiety and create a no shame situation. To move away from the values and really get to who this child is, where her heart is, where her soul is, and help her be open and communicative as she has done so beautifully with her mom throughout her young life.

[Christelle Lavallee]

Well, I feel so much better and I am just so grateful to you, Barbara, for coming to us with this really delicate situation. I'm sure this will extend far beyond your family, Barbara, and to many others dealing with similar situations. So to find more on this and many other topics related to healthy media habits, all science based information can be [e-mail] you can also follow our mediatrician mediatrician on Twitter and submit your own questions [e-mail] and for all of you out there, make sure to subscribe and share this podcast with your friends and

[Dr. Michael Rich]

make sure to enjoy your media and use them wisely and especially to enjoy your children and raise them wisely.

[Podcast Producer]

Ask the Mediatrician is hosted by Dr. Michael Rich, joined by Mediatrix educator Christelle Lavallee. Jill R. Kavanagh is our Chief Knowledge Officer. Original music composed by Christopher Cerf Podcast and music recorded, mixed and edited at Saturn Sound Studios Executive Producer Alicia Heywood

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