Help Me

Summary

Podcast Summary: Ask the Mediatrician – "Help Me"

Date: January 21, 2020
Host: Dr. Michael Rich (The Mediatrician)
Guest/Co-Host: Kristelle Lavallee (Mediatrix Educator)
Main Theme:
How can parents help their children navigate the complex, sometimes perilous world of social media while fostering healthy, well-adjusted, critically-thinking kids? This episode tackles a listener question from a 14-year-old girl who feels caught between her desire to stay off social media and the social pressures to join.

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Episode Overview

The episode centers on a real-life question from Katie, a thoughtful 14-year-old in San Diego, who wonders whether she "has to" join Snapchat and Instagram to avoid feeling left out. Dr. Rich and Kristelle Lavallee unpack issues of peer pressure, FOMO, cyberbullying, and the nuanced challenges of adolescent social media use, offering insight and actionable advice for parents and kids.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Katie’s Question & The Reality of Adolescent Social Pressure

[01:28-01:49]

• Katie shares she doesn't want to be on social media "until I absolutely have to," but already feels left out.
• Social media pressure comes not only from peers but also from schools, which increasingly use platforms to communicate with students and families—even those under the legal age.

2. Social Media: Risks, Misunderstandings, and Peer Dynamics

[01:50-03:30]

• Dr. Rich praises Katie's "self-confidence and her instinctive self-preservation" in resisting peer pressure.
• Highlights “the bigger problem”: schools expecting everyone to be connected, even underage kids.
• Social media fundamentally changes communication, often removing vital "body language" cues. This can turn jokes into perceived slights and sow misunderstanding:

  "Someone sends something that's a joke or a tease, but that's interpreted as a slur, a threat, ostracizing or slandering someone by the receiver."
  (Dr. Rich, [02:20])

3. Harms of Social Media: Accidental and Intentional

[03:30-05:00]

• Unintentional harm arises from lack of nuance, but intentional harms like cyberbullying are prevalent.
• Dr. Rich distinguishes between classic types of bullying:
  • Boy bullying: Physical, overt on the playground.
  • Girl bullying: Subtle, psychological ("mean girls" phenomenon).
• Cyberbullying: Is "three times as prevalent in girls," as the anonymity/blurring of power dynamics online makes psychological bullying easier.

4. The Rise of the ‘Bully-Victim’ Online

[05:00-05:30]

• The unclear power differentials online increase cycles of bullying: people bullied turn around and bully others.

  "On the playground, you know who the powerful and the less powerful are. In cyberspace, you don't know."
  (Dr. Rich, [04:50])

5. Katie as a Role Model: Tools, Not Toys

[05:31-06:25]

• Dr. Rich applauds Katie for recognizing that "social media are tools, not toys," and for her capacity to hold fast against social pressure—a skill valuable for upcoming adolescent challenges.
• Kristelle identifies Katie’s struggle as “FOMO” (Fear Of Missing Out), but Dr. Rich introduces a new term.

6. New Term: “FOBLO” – Fear of Being Left Out

[05:26-05:42]

• Dr. Rich suggests Katie isn't experiencing classic FOMO, but "FOBLO":

  "She's feeling the social pressure to do what everyone else is doing, as many 14-year-olds do."
  (Dr. Rich, [05:37])

• He praises Katie’s strength and decision-making, highlighting that this experience will help her handle similar pressures (drugs, alcohol, etc.) in adolescence.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Dr. Rich on Communication Breakdown:

  "Someone sends something that's a joke or a tease, but that's interpreted as a slur, a threat, ostracizing or slandering someone by the receiver."
  (Dr. Rich, [02:20])

• On Cyberbullying and Gender Differences:

  "Cyberbullying is three times as prevalent in girls as it is in boys... we are seeing the rise of the bully victim."
  (Dr. Rich, [04:28])

• On Katie’s Example:

  "I applaud Katie and I admire Katie for not just jumping in because everyone else is doing it. She is recognizing that social media are tools, not toys."
  (Dr. Rich, [05:13])

• Introducing “Foblo”:

  "She's not feeling FOMO. She's feeling foblo. The fear of being left out."
  (Dr. Rich, [05:37])

• Advice to All Kids and Parents:

  “Enjoy your social media and use them wisely when you’re ready to use them. Thanks Katie for being a hero.”
  (Dr. Rich, [07:01])

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Important Timestamps

| Timestamp | Segment | |---------------------|------------------------------------------------------------------| | 01:28 - 01:49 | Katie’s question; social pressure and schools’ role | | 02:20 - 03:30 | Miscommunication and harm on social media | | 03:30 - 04:28 | Types of bullying and cyberbullying prevalence | | 04:50 - 05:13 | Bully-victim phenomenon online | | 05:13 - 06:25 | Praising Katie; “social media are tools, not toys” | | 05:26 - 05:42 | Defining “Foblo” - Fear of Being Left Out | | 07:01 | Closing advice: be wise and intentional about social media |

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Episode Takeaways & Advice

• Recognize Social Media as a Tool: Parents and teens should treat social media as tools that require intention and discernment, not just as entertainment or a social crutch.
• Model & Coach Critical Decision-Making: Holding out against social pressure now helps teens develop the resilience and critical thinking to navigate future challenges.
• Talk with Kids About Online Dynamics: Discuss how online communication can easily lead to misunderstanding and harm, intentional or not.
• Be Aware of School Practices: Parents should be aware of how schools may pressure even younger children to join social media.
• Celebrate Kids Who Lead by Example: Encouraging those who resist peer pressure can help them—and others—tackle bigger decisions down the road.
• Acknowledge Both FOMO and FOBLO: Not all social anxiety is about wanting in; sometimes it’s just about wanting to avoid exclusion.

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Final Thoughts

Dr. Rich and Kristelle Lavallee provide a thoughtful, research-driven perspective on the intersection of adolescence, parenting, and digital media. They offer reassurance that opting out—or delaying—social media use is not only valid but often wise, and celebrate teens like Katie who courageously stand by their convictions.

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For more evidence-based insights, resources, and to submit your own questions:
askthemediatrician.org
Follow Dr. Michael Rich on Twitter: @mediatrician

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Episode summary by an expert podcast summarizer. Skip the FOMO (or FOBLO) and tune in any time!

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

Hey, it's Dr. Michael Rich, the mediatrician. I'm a practicing pediatrician, child health researcher, and a lifelong filmmaker who understands how powerfully screens engage and change us all. But as a doctor who takes care of kids every day, I see how much they are struggling with the screens they're using and how much their parents are concerned about whether this is good for them. So what I'm trying to do for you is to bring these two worlds together in a way that we can really understand how to raise healthy, happy, productive children in a world filled with digital screens. Mediatrix educator Christelle Lavallee joins me each week to address your questions.

[C]

Yes, I do. Thanks, Michael. And this week we've got a really, really great question. It's coming to us from sunny San Diego where Katie, who's 14 years old, wrote, I don't want to be on social media until I absolutely have to, but I'm already feeling left out. Should I get on snap and insta? All right, my deatrician, what do you think?

[B]

Well, first of all, Katie is my new hero of the moment because I really admire her self confidence and her instinctive self preservation here. She is not feeling the, you know, or succumbing to the peer pressure she is feeling from her friends and her peers around her. But she has an additional problem beyond her peers, and that is that many schools now are insisting that students and family be on social media so that they can be in touch with what's happening in the schools, even kids under 13 who under federal law are not supposed to be on social media. So we have a bigger problem here. We have to see how being on social media can change how people behave with each other in positive ways. And what she's seeing is something that they're behaving in negative ways and not liking it. And here's the problem with what happens on social media is human behavior is always going to be the same and there are going to be people who go the wrong direction in their interactions with each other. But beyond that, on social media, where there is no nuance, there is no body language to communicate what's going on, people will sometimes send things that they don't mean and the receiver will hear them as mean. In other words, someone sends something that is a joke or a tease, but that's interpreted as a slur, a threat, ostracizing or slandering someone by the receiver. So what Katie is seeing is the potential for harm. But social media also has potential for good. Beyond these unmeant harms, there are also meant harms, unfortunately, in social media, where you're seeing things like cyberbullying. And let's think about what cyberbullying is. Bullying in itself is the more powerful harming, the less powerful in a systematic way. Now, bullying in the playground, in the physical world, boy bullying is very different from girl bullying. Boy bullying is the big strong boys giving wedgies to the little weak boys in the playground.

[C]

Classic, right?

[B]

Girl bullying is psychological warfare. It's mean girls, it's the cool girls ostracizing, slandering, and putting down the less powerful girls. And interestingly, what happens with cyberbullying is that because the psychological warfare is much easier to do online where that power differential is unclear. Cyberbullying is three times as prevalent in girls as it is in boys. Not only that, because of this unclear power differential, we are seeing the rise of the bully victim on the playground. You know who the powerful and the less powerful are in cyberspace? You don't know. You don't know. And so people are bullied and turn around and bully others. So I have to say that I applaud Katie and I admire Katie for not just jumping in because everyone else is doing it. She is recognizing that social media are tools, not toys. But she's struggling with that.

[C]

Well, she has fomo, right? She has that fear of missing out. She sees what all of her friends are doing or she hears about it and she feels as though she can't kind of participate in that conversation.

[B]

Well, I think so.

[C]

How do you help her out with that?

[B]

I actually think that Katie is strong enough that she's not feeling fomo. She's feeling faux blow.

[D]

Okay.

[E]

What is, what is flow?

[B]

The fear of being left out.

[C]

Faux blo.

[B]

Right.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

She could care less what's going on out there. In fact, she really doesn't want it. But she's feeling the social pressure to do what everyone else is doing, as many 14 year olds do. So Katie is gonna do well not only with social media, but with a whole host of decisions and challenges that are going to face her through her adolescence where everyone else is drinking, smoking, using drugs, things of that nature. So she is standing on what she feels to be right for her on this issue. And this is fabulous practice and modeling for her friends for other times when she is faced with choices.

[C]

All right, so Katie, thank you so much for your question. You are clearly on the right check and hopefully the Mediatrician has helped you out with your faux blow, which is a new one. Makes sense. So for those of you out there, you can find more on this and many other topics related to healthy media habits and all the science behind [e-mail] that said, you can also follow our Mediatrician on Twitter Mediatrician and submit your own [e-mail] and finally, make sure you subscribe and share this podcast and enjoy

[B]

your social media and use them wisely when you're ready to use them. Thanks Katie for being a hero.

[F]

Ask the Mediatrician is hosted by Dr. Michael Rich, joined by Mediatrix educator Christelle Lavallee. Jill R. Kavanagh is our Chief Knowledge Officer. Original music composed by Christopher Cerf Podcast and music recorded, mixed and edited at Saturn Sound Studios Executive Producer Alicia Haywood.

[E]

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[D]

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