Suicide

Summary

Ask the Mediatrician – "Suicide" (Feb 4, 2020)

Host: Dr. Michael Rich ("The Mediatrician")
Co-Host: Christelle Lavallee
Main Theme: Navigating the complex relationship between social media, mental health, and suicide, especially as it relates to parenting and supporting children.

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Episode Overview

This episode centers on a listener’s devastating question about the suicide of a college student who seemed lively and popular on social media. Dr. Michael Rich and Christelle Lavallee address the inherent disconnect between online personas and lived realities, the nature of friendships on platforms like Facebook, and offer pragmatic, heartfelt advice for parents grappling with these issues in their families.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Trigger: A Listener’s Question (01:31)

• Claire, a mother coping with her daughter’s friend's suicide, asks about the relationship between social media and depression or suicide.
• She describes the friend's Facebook profile: 1,194 friends, photos of constant happiness, and public posts of acquaintances expressing shock.

2. The Disconnect Between Online Persona and Reality (03:04 – 04:09)

• "There's often a real disconnect between people's actual lives and how they portray them on social media. In fact, it's a fiction, a fiction..."
  – Dr. Michael Rich (03:21)
• "We are marketing ourselves to each other the same way that companies market themselves..."
  – Dr. Michael Rich (03:48)
• Social media cultivates a curated image; people often show only their happiest, most successful moments, masking pain or struggle.

3. The Nature and Limitations of Social Media Friendships (04:38 – 06:47)

• Friending large numbers doesn't translate to meaningful support during crisis.
• "Friending 1194 people does not have the same weight, does not connect us with friends to whom we can reach out when we're feeling lonely, sad, or isolated."
  – Christelle Lavallee (04:44)
• Real emotional connection requires more than digital “friendship”; it demands time, authenticity, and shared experience.
• "This is a weakened or attenuated relationship and neither party is necessarily committed to a deep, sustaining friendship."
  – Christelle Lavallee (06:37)

4. The Double-Edged Nature of Social Media (06:47 – 08:00)

• Social media is useful for maintaining connections, especially across distance, but rarely fosters intimacy.
• The urge to present a cheerful persona is often aspirational, not truthful.
• "The cheerful, upbeat photographs and messages on your daughter's friend's profile may have been what she hoped to be, but was tragically not what she was truly really feeling."
  – Christelle Lavallee (07:57)
• Social platforms can facilitate tentative approaches to new friends or relationships but must lead to deeper, real-world engagement.

5. Coping with Tragedy and Understanding Social Media's Role (08:05 – 10:30)

• Social media is best viewed as a "broadcast" tool, not a true communication tool.
• "Sustaining emotionally meaningful friendships develops over time in a cup of coffee, a meal, or a shared experience."
  – Dr. Michael Rich (08:40)
• Dr. Rich’s dream: using social media for authentic sharing and global understanding, possibly leading to more peace and empathy.
• "If we can move beyond the self marketing to be more authentic, to show our true selves, our vulnerabilities, we will be able to make and sustain much more meaningful relationships..."
  – Dr. Michael Rich (09:14)

6. The Value of Real-World, Face-to-Face Relationships (10:30 – 10:56)

• The hosts reflect on their own relationships and the importance of checking in, physically spending time together, and genuine communication.
• "I need to even do a better job reaching out to my friends, actually having a cup of coffee instead of just sending bitmojis back and forth of us having coffee together, real friendship is definitely irreplaceable..."
  – Christelle Lavallee (10:30)

7. The Platform Responsibility and Resources (10:56 – 11:29)

• Social media companies are actively working to address mental health and suicide prevention.
• Both hosts serve on Facebook and Instagram’s Mental Health and Suicide Advisory Board.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• "There's often a real disconnect between people's actual lives and how they portray them on social media. In fact, it's a fiction..."
  – Dr. Michael Rich (03:21)
• "We are marketing ourselves to each other..."
  – Dr. Michael Rich (03:48)
• "Friending 1194 people does not have the same weight..."
  – Christelle Lavallee (04:44)
• "Neither party is necessarily committed to a deep, sustaining friendship."
  – Christelle Lavallee (06:37)
• "The cheerful, upbeat photographs...may have been what she hoped to be, but was tragically not what she was truly really feeling."
  – Christelle Lavallee (07:57)
• "If we can move beyond the self marketing to be more authentic...we will be able to make and sustain much more meaningful relationships..."
  – Dr. Michael Rich (09:14)
• "Real friendship is definitely irreplaceable and it's really important for us to check in on each other."
  – Christelle Lavallee (10:39)
• "Which means giving them a hug from time to time. Not a virtual hug."
  – Dr. Michael Rich (12:02)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• 01:31 – 03:04: Listener email, the context of suicide, initial reactions
• 03:04 – 04:09: Persona vs. reality on social media
• 04:38 – 06:47: Depth (or lack) of social media ‘friendships’
• 07:01 – 08:00: The limitations and false security of digital connection
• 08:23 – 10:30: How to build real relationships and hope for social media's potential as a force for good
• 10:56 – 11:29: Platform involvement in suicide prevention
• 12:02: The power of a real, physical hug

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Practical Takeaways

• Teach children to distinguish between social media presentation and reality.
• Encourage kids (and adults) to invest in a few deep, real-life relationships versus hundreds of superficial digital ones.
• Use social platforms as a starting point—not the end—for real connection.
• Don’t underestimate the power of in-person check-ins, especially when someone might be struggling.
• Recognize that even when someone seems “happy” on social media, it may be aspirational, not authentic; always look deeper.
• Social media companies are aware and working to support users' mental health—resources are available via ask themedetrician.org.

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Final Message

The episode ends with a compassionate reminder to "enjoy your media, use them wisely, enjoy your children and raise them wisely," and most importantly, to give real hugs, not just virtual ones (12:02). The hosts express solidarity with parents and offer concrete advice, balancing realism about media’s limits with hope for its future.

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For full resources and links referenced in the episode, visit: askthemediatrician.org

Transcript

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[Dr. Michael Wright]

Hey, it's Dr. Michael Wright, the Mediatrician. I'm a practicing pediatrician who specializes in the effects of media on children because I'm a filmmaker who understands how screens engage and change us. But I'm also someone who takes care of children using the science of child health and development to determine the best way to bring every child to happiness, health and productivity as an adult. I'm here with Mediatrix educator Christelle Lavallee.

[Christelle Lavallee]

Hey, so Michael, we got an email in today from Claire. She's a mom who wishes that her location remain anonymous, especially since she and her daughter are dealing with a tragedy that is clearly still raw. I'm going to read her email right now. Yesterday, one of my daughter's friends committed suicide. She was a sophomore in college. I am saddened and angry. I went to the girl's Facebook page and saw that she had 1194 friends. All of her pictures show her with an impossibly bright smile. Her wall is full of messages sounding like I know we have only talked once, but you still mean meant so much to me. I wonder if you have any advice or resources about the relationship between social media and depression or suicide. I need to educate myself and talk to my daughters and younger sons. I see a remarkable disconnect between their reality and how they appear on social media. I have always been annoyed by my daughter's use of the word friend for someone she barely speaks with. And I dislike it when my children and their peers post pictures where they are always partying, smiling, laughing, as if there were no other moments to share. So our hearts go out to you and your family, Claire, as you deal with this tragedy. We really can't thank you enough for sharing this painful experience with us. I know many people out there struggle with the same thoughts and feelings you are working through following a suicide.

[Dr. Michael Wright]

Claire, I'm so sorry for your daughter's loss. And I can deeply understand your concern in your quest for answers and prevention strategies, given that the reality or the unreality shown on this Facebook page seems so out of character with the tragedy that you've just sustained. As you've noticed yourself, there's often a real disconnect between people's actual lives and how they portray them on social media. In fact, it's a fiction, a fiction

[Christelle Lavallee]

that each person wants the world to see of them. And what we're doing is we are

[Dr. Michael Wright]

marketing ourselves to each other the same way that companies market themselves and their products to the general public.

[Christelle Lavallee]

We are using social media the way corporations do.

[Dr. Michael Wright]

In some cases, the portrait displayed on a public profile can be vastly different from how a person truly feels about herself.

[Christelle Lavallee]

Yes, I mean, Michael, we know this. I feel like everybody kind of knows that the public Persona people present on social media can complicate everything in their and their views of them. But this is a complex situation for those people who are left picking up the pieces, following someone, taking their own life. Claire noticed that her daughter's friends had, or her friend had 1,194 Facebook friends. But what does that number even mean?

[Dr. Michael Wright]

It's important for Claire, her daughter, and all of us to remember that social

[Christelle Lavallee]

media has dramatically changed our relationships and what we expect of relationships. I've often said that we lost a great deal when friend became a verb instead of a noun. Friending 1194 people does not have the same weight, does not connect us with friends to whom we can reach out when we're feeling lonely, sad, or isolated. And so it can become a vicious circle between that happy, cheery Persona we want to portray and our real needs. Social media can be used to maintain relationships and connections with friends and family who have moved away. They can reconnect us with friends with whom we've lost touch. In these ways, social media can be an important addition in one's real life social network, extending it over distance and time. But we can't give it more gravitas, more seriousness than it really has when we're establishing relationships through social media, the technology can also make us feel close without the risk of intimacy and without the solid contact and connection that occurs with real people in real time, even

[Dr. Michael Wright]

talking on the telephone.

[Christelle Lavallee]

But better yet, face to face. As John Lennon said. And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make. I love that sound we receive from our relationships, what we put into them. And while friending more than a thousand people can make you feel popular or

[Dr. Michael Wright]

happy or surrounded by friends.

[Christelle Lavallee]

This is a weakened or attenuated relationship and neither party is necessarily committed to a deep, sustaining friendship.

So those friends, and I'm doing air quotes for you at home, those friends may not have known what was going on with Claire's friends. And you just might have been as shocked as she was to learn about the suicide.

Yeah, it's because social media is more public than direct one on one communication. It's often an environment where people are more likely to post their best photos and their best selves, what they aspire to be, feel and do. And this is part and parcel of this self monitoring. But it also can be a way to make connections with people when it's awkward to in real life. And so I don't want to say that it's a bad thing to reach out through social media to somebody that we want to express, perhaps tentatively, our romantic interest in or our interest to friend in one way or another, but we need to move through it to more deep, meaningful and face to face relationships. The cheerful, upbeat photographs and messages on your daughter's friend's profile may have been what she hoped to be, but was tragically not what she was truly really feeling.

So more aspirational than realistic?

Yes, absolutely.

So how can we help Claire and her daughter cope with this tragedy, this suicide that happened? I mean, her mom or Claire is looking to understand what the connection is between social media and suicide, but clearly it's really complex.

[Dr. Michael Wright]

For Claire and her daughter, it is

[Christelle Lavallee]

really important to understand what social media are and what they can and cannot do because they function more as broadcast tools than as communication tools. We have to recognize that when we post our silly videos, photos or texts to hundreds or thousands, we are performing for them, but not truly communicating with and connecting with them. Sustaining emotionally meaningful friendships develops over time in a cup of coffee, a meal, or a shared experience. It's important for your children to understand and respect social media as tools that can be used very effectively to maintain existing relationships over time and distance, but also to start relationships that they intend not to stay there, but to continue on to richer, more meaningful, more direct relationships. I've often felt that social media is a missed opportunity for us as we're using it now, because if we can move beyond the self marketing to be more authentic, to show our true selves, our vulnerabilities, we will be able to make and sustain much more meaningful relationships because we know that those people care about who we really are, not who we hope to be. In fact, One of my great dreams is that social media can be an instrument of peace because when some teenager is asked by his political party to pick up a weapon and attack somebody from another culture or another country with whom she or he has been connecting on social media, it will put into perspective the seriousness and the importance of relationships in our lives and we can realize that we can become truly citizens of the globe who are connecting with each other in these deep and meaningful and authentic ways.

Michael, you and John Lennon have a lot in common. I think. I just heard Imagine in my head and I completely agree. Hearing you speak reminds me that I need to even do a better job reaching out to my friends, actually having a cup of coffee instead of just sending bitmojis back and forth of us having coffee together, real friendship is definitely irreplaceable and it's really important for us to check in on each other.

Yes, for both us and for the friend. Yeah, right. And I want to also say that the social media platforms are well aware of these concerns that Claire is having. They are working on helping to reduce suicides and getting users the mental help they need. You and I are both on the Mental Health and Suicide Advisory Board, for example, of Facebook and Mental well being and reducing suicides are two areas that their safety team is actively working on across their platforms.

Yeah, that is an important point to remember and a little good news. So Claire, thank you again for reaching out. It means so much to us that you did and we hope this advice is helpful and possibly comforting as you and your family copes with this loss. So to help you and others in the future, we'll provide a number of links to resources on ask themediatrician.org and please be sure to subscribe and share this podcast.

And remember to enjoy your media, use them wisely, enjoy your children and raise them wisely.

[Dr. Michael Wright]

Which means giving them a hug from time to time. Not a virtual hug.

[Podcast Host/Producer]

Ask the Mediatrician is hosted by Dr. Michael Rich, joined by Mediatrix educator Christelle Lavallee. Jill R. Kavanaugh is our Chief Knowledge Officer. Original music composed by Christopher Cerf Podcast and music recorded, mixed and edited at Saturn Sound Studios Executive producer Alicia Heywood.

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