The Internet Talk?

Summary

Podcast Summary: Ask the Mediatrician — "The Internet Talk?" (October 22, 2019)

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Episode Overview

This episode of "Ask the Mediatrician" addresses one of the most pressing concerns for modern parents: How do you initiate "The Internet Talk"? Hosts Dr. Michael Rich (pediatrician, father, filmmaker) and Christelle Lavallee (child development expert) respond to a listener's question about how to talk to kids about using the internet. With humor and insight, they discuss the challenges, strategies, and frameworks for helping children become healthy, responsible digital citizens, emphasizing the parallels between online and offline worlds.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Parents' Anxiety Around the "Internet Talk"

• Parents are more nervous about the Internet Talk than the Sex Talk

  • Dr. Rich observes that many parents feel less capable talking about digital life because their children are often far more technically savvy. (01:56)
  • Quote:

    “They are more nervous and confused about the Internet talk than they are about the sex talk.”
    — Dr. Michael Rich (01:56)

• Kids’ Online Expertise Outpaces Parents

  • Dr. Rich notes the cause is parents’ lack of expertise compared to their kids’ digital fluency.

    “They at their kids online and they realize that their kids run rings around them on the Internet.”
    — Dr. Michael Rich (02:15)

2. The Online and Offline Worlds Are One to Kids

• Blended Reality for Children
  • Kids do not distinguish meaningfully between online and "real life"; relationships, play, communication, and entertainment move seamlessly between digital and physical spaces. (02:30)
  • Christelle points out that “IRL” (in real life) no longer applies as a distinct category for children. (03:35)
  • Quote:

    “Everything online is as real and as important to these kids as everything in the offline space.” — Christelle Lavallee (03:35)

3. Parenting Online is Similar to Parenting Offline

• Apply Familiar Parenting Skills
  • Parents should use the same principles for encouraging safe and respectful behavior online as they do offline. Raise kids to be good "citizens" and take care of themselves and others in both environments. (02:30–03:48)

4. The "Seat Next to Them" Approach

• Sit Beside, Not Opposite
  • Dr. Rich suggests physically sitting next to your child while they are online and inviting them to teach you what they do on the Internet. (04:44)
  • This role reversal empowers the child, lowers defensiveness, and opens dialogue.
  • Quote:

    “That seat should be right next to his son while using the Internet...come to his son as a student and say, show me how to do Facebook. Show me how to play Fortnite and do it with his son.”
    — Dr. Michael Rich (04:44)

5. The Importance of Dialogue and Reflection

• Ask Reflective Questions
  • While exploring the internet together, parents can prompt critical thinking by asking their child how their online actions may affect others.
  • Dr. Rich explains that a lot of hurtful communication online is not intentional bullying but clumsy miscommunication, missing the context that comes with body language and tone in real life. (05:54–06:17)
  • Quote:

    “Most of what is received, often in terms of cyberbullying, may not be intentional bullying. It may just be someone making a joke, but doing it clumsily.”
    — Dr. Michael Rich (06:01)

  • Christelle: “Miscommunication.” (06:16)

6. The "Grandma Rule"

• Simple Internet Guideline
  • The cardinal rule: “Don’t put anything online you don’t want Grandma to see, because she can.” (06:45)
  • Both hosts agree this is a helpful, memorable touchstone for all ages.
  • Quote:

    “The grandma rule is quite simply, don't put anything online you don't want grandma to see because she can.”
    — Dr. Michael Rich (06:47)

7. The Internet as a Tool, Not a Toy

• Introduce the Internet like Any Other Tool
  • Parents should treat online access and devices like any tool (e.g., a power saw): only introduced when the child needs it and is capable of using it responsibly. (07:22)
  • Unsupervised, unnecessary introduction before a child is ready is analogized to giving a child a dangerous tool.
  • Quote:

    “Just as he would introduce a child to an electric power saw when he has need for that tool and he has the ability to use it responsibly and safely, we should approach the Internet and all these devices exactly the same way.”
    — Dr. Michael Rich (07:22)

  • Christelle praises this metaphor for its clarity.

    “I love the image of the Internet being a tool. Even that kind of power saw tool. I think that that's one that sticks.”
    — Christelle Lavallee (08:57)

8. Tailoring Guidance to Age and Need

• No One-Size-Fits-All Internet Introduction
  • Not every child needs the internet at the same time or in the same way. Introduce internet activities as necessary and supervise them as you would with any new skill. (07:59–08:57)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On seamless digital-physical life:

  "Kids put a lot of extra weight into social media relationships that may not be warranted by the nature of those relationships."
  — Dr. Michael Rich (03:48)

• On empowering kids:

  “This role reversal of the child being the teacher and the parent being the student allows their child to be much more open and sharing and, frankly, showing off of his abilities.”
  — Dr. Michael Rich (05:07)

• On boundaries:

  “It’s not just a blanket ‘welcome to the Internet,’ it’s also doing specific things on the Internet and making the child aware that those things are to be done, but other things are not to be done without your guidance.”
  — Dr. Michael Rich (08:37)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [01:56] — Parents' anxiety about "the Internet talk"
• [02:30] — Kids do not distinguish between online and offline experiences
• [03:35] — IRL is an outdated distinction for kids
• [04:44] — “Sit next to them” approach—invite your child to teach you
• [05:54] — Online miscommunication and the importance of empathy
• [06:45] — The Grandma Rule: a simple, effective guideline
• [07:22] — Introduce the Internet as a tool, not a toy
• [08:37] — Customize internet use rules per family and child’s maturity

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Wrap-Up & Takeaways

• The most effective internet guidance for kids mirrors good offline parenting: engagement, empowerment, and supervision tailored to the child's needs and abilities.
• Building understanding together—rather than dictating rules from above—creates trust and openness.
• Simple rules like the "Grandma Rule" and metaphors like the "power saw" help make digital guidance concrete for both kids and parents.

Best Practice:
Sit with your child—let them lead, ask thoughtful questions, and teach them to be safe, respectful, and responsible online, just as you would in the offline world.

For more resources: Visit askthemediatrician.org or follow Dr. Michael Rich on Twitter (@mediatrician).

Transcript

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[Dr. Michael Rich]

Hey, it's Dr. Michael Rich, the mediatrician. I'm a practicing pediatrician and child health researcher who works with children and the media they use and how they use them, and helps all of us determine and decide how to raise healthy children in a digitally saturated world. I'm here with Christelle Lavallee, mediatrix, educator.

[Christelle Lavallee]

Hey, so Michael, we have a really short question because it came to us via Twitter. This is from Chris. He's a dad in Albuquerque, New Mexico. He wrote or tweeted, I should say. And he said, how do I talk to my kids about using the Internet? You know, short little.

[Podcast Host/Announcer]

Yeah.

[Christelle Lavallee]

Not vague at all.

[Dr. Michael Rich]

Well, this is a very interesting question that I get from parents as a pediatrician who specializes in adolescence. And the interesting thing is they are more nervous and confused about the Internet talk than they are about the sex talk.

[Christelle Lavallee]

Oh, that's crazy. Why? Why do you think that is?

[Dr. Michael Rich]

I think it's because they believe, rightly or wrongly, that they have some expertise in the realm of sex. But they at their kids online and they realize that their kids run rings around them on the Internet.

[Christelle Lavallee]

They're more savvy.

[Dr. Michael Rich]

Exactly. And so I think that the important thing to realize is that for these kids, the Internet is not different than the physical world. We think of online and offline. We think of real world and virtual world. They do not. They move seamlessly between the Internet and the physical world in terms of relationships, communications, entertainment, play, and so many of the skills and much of the knowledge he has Accrued as a parent in the real world can be applied to using the Internet. He just needs to help them understand that they need to use the Internet in ways that are healthy for them, safe for them, and are respectful of themselves and others. So it's about being a good citizen and taking care of oneself and others in that space the same way as they do in the physical world.

[Christelle Lavallee]

So the idea of IRL or in real life is really not applicable anymore. Everything online is as real and as important to these kids as everything in the offline space. Absolutely.

[Dr. Michael Rich]

But they also have to understand the relative importance of these different spaces and what they mean. So, in other words, kids put a lot of extra weight into social media relationships that may not be warranted by the nature of those relationships. And so they need to be raised and help them grow up in the online space, much as you help them grow up in the offline space.

[Christelle Lavallee]

So Chris is a dad. He's in Albuquerque, and we know that he's a little bit savvy because he tweeted to us.

[Dr. Michael Rich]

Right.

[Christelle Lavallee]

So I think that maybe he just needs kind of a starting point almost to frame the Internet. He just says, using the Internet, it's not even social media. It's nothing like that. You do such a good job of setting the stage for parents. How can you set the stage for Chris in terms of answering this question, like having that conversation with his kid?

[Dr. Michael Rich]

Well, I would not just set the stage, but I would set the seat for him. And that seat should be. That's even better, right next to his son while using the Internet and take that advantage that he sees his son having of his adeptness, his facility with the Internet, and come to his son as a student and say, show me how to do Facebook. Show me how to play Fortnite and do it with his son. And some interesting things happen there. First of all, our kids are so accustomed to us telling them what to do, how to do it, how well to do it, how to go back and do it again. Better and better that this role reversal of the child being the teacher and the parent being the student allows their child to be much more open and sharing and, frankly, showing off of his abilities there. But it also lowers their defensive radar to the point where then he can ask his child, wow, this is what you can do on social media. Do you have any thought about how other people might receive this information, how they might feel about it? Because most of what is received, often in terms of cyberbullying may not be intentional bullying. It may just Be someone making a joke, but doing it clumsily.

[Christelle Lavallee]

Miscommunication.

[Dr. Michael Rich]

Absolutely. Problem, of course, with social media is when that kind of a tease happens in real life, in the playground or whatever, you have body language, you have nuance, you have tone, all those signals. Absolutely. And you can see if you've hurt that person, you know, by what you say and do. So one of the things that I say, one of my cardinal rules for teaching kids about the Internet is the grandma rule.

[Christelle Lavallee]

I love this rule.

[Dr. Michael Rich]

The grandma rule is quite simply, don't put anything online you don't want grandma to see because she can.

[Christelle Lavallee]

I think that's great, Michael. And the grandma rule is something that I remind myself of all the time. I think we all could. And I love the idea of having Chris empower his kids in this way. You know, sitting down and saying, hey, you teach me. But I think that's great for a 7 year old or a tween. What if, because we didn't get a lot of information from this tweet, what if this is a young kid and he's just trying to introduce his kid to the Internet? What do you say to that parent?

[Dr. Michael Rich]

Well, I think the most important thing is first for the parent to recognize the Internet or a smartphone or any of these interactive devices and applications as a tool, not as a toy, but as a tool. And just as he would introduce a child to an electric power saw when he has need for that tool and he has the ability to use it responsibly and safely, we should approach the Internet and all these devices exactly the same way.

[Christelle Lavallee]

That's such a good point.

[Dr. Michael Rich]

You know, if your child does not need the Internet for schoolwork, for communicating with grandma, grandpa, or any of those things, there's no need to introduce it, just to introduce it. But when you introduce it, you sit down with them and you teach them just as you would with that electrical saw and you would show them how to use it to build a birdhouse. Right. But not to cut their hand off. And so I think that if we can take that stance with our child of any age and ask that question, is my child both in need of this tool and. And capable of handling this tool? And it's not just a blanket welcome to the Internet, it's also doing specific things on the Internet and making the child aware that those things are to be done, but other things are not to be done without your guidance in that area as well.

[Christelle Lavallee]

I think that's great. I love the image of the Internet being a tool. Even that kind of power saw tool. I think that that's one that sticks. Okay Chris, thank you so much for writing us or tweeting to. Best of luck. Let us know how that talk goes. Hopefully it's easier now than the sex talk will be. And for those of you out there who want more information and to learn more about the science behind this advice, you can visit askthemediatrician.org you can also follow our Mediatrician on Twitter mediatrician. And just be sure to share and subscribe to this podcast and enjoy your

[Dr. Michael Rich]

Internet while enjoying your children and raising them wisely.

[Podcast Host/Announcer]

Ask the Mediatrician is hosted by Dr. Michael Rich, joined by Mediatrix educator Christelle Lavallee. Jill R. Kavanagh is our Chief Knowledge Officer. Original music composed by Christopher Cerf Podcast and music recorded, mixed and edited at Saturn Sound Studios Executive Producer Alicia Heywood.

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