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Self-Trust After ADHD: Why You Don’t Believe Yourself Anymore

1w ago00:41:15Tap to summarize

In this episode of Authentically ADHD, Carmen explores why so many late-diagnosed ADHD, autistic, and AuDHD adults struggle to trust themselves. This isn’t about being indecisive, dramatic, or “bad at life.” It’s about years of being misunderstood, corrected, dismissed, and trained to doubt your own nervous system.Carmen breaks down how self-trust is built through validation — and how many neurodivergent people received the opposite. From inconsistent ADHD performance and executive dysfunction to masking, rejection sensitivity, internalized shame, and late-diagnosis grief, this episode unpacks why so many adults end up outsourcing their reality to everyone else.With neuroscience, research, dark humor, and deeply compassionate truth-telling, Carmen explains how diagnosis can become both a relief and an emotional reckoning. It can help reframe the past, but it does not instantly erase years of self-doubt.The episode ends with five practical strategies for rebuilding self-trust: creating a self-trust evidence log, shifting from permission-seeking to truth-seeking, making smaller promises to yourself, replacing shame as your project manager, and building a safe mirror system. The message is clear: you are not unreliable — you are recovering from years of being misinterpreted. Tiny plank by tiny plank, self-trust can be rebuilt.Thank you for tuning in!Free Guide Download: This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit carmenauthenticallyadhd.substack.com/subscribe

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AuDHD and the Social Battery: Why You’re Still Exhausted After Rest

Jan 600:47:04Tap to summarize

Show Notes:Hello and welcome to Authentically ADHD – I’m Carmen, and I’m so glad you’re tuning in. Today we’re exploring a topic I know many of us grapple with: why you’re still exhausted even after resting, especially when you’re both autistic and ADHD (often called AuDHD). If you’ve ever wondered, “I took a break, so why do I still feel drained?” this episode is for you.We often hear about the idea of a “social battery.” The classic metaphor goes like this: social time drains you, alone time or rest recharges you, then you’re good to go again. It’s a handy way to explain why you might feel wiped out after a party or a day of meetings – you used up your social battery and need some quiet time to recharge. For neurotypical folks or even just introverts, that simple formula sometimes works: hang out with people (battery drains), spend a night in (battery refills), and you’re refreshed.But if you’re neurodivergent – and especially if you’re AuDHD (autistic + ADHD) – you’ve probably noticed it’s not that simple. You might spend a weekend resting at home only to wake up on Monday still bone-tired. Or you take a day off to recharge, and by evening you’re more exhausted than before. What gives? In today’s episode, we’re going to answer that. We’ll talk about why the one-dimensional social battery metaphor doesn’t fully capture what’s happening in our brains and bodies. We’ll dive into the neuroscience behind exhaustion in autism and ADHD: it’s not just being “peopled out” – it’s also things like masking, sensory overload, executive function fatigue, chronic stress mode, and even missed signals from our own bodies.By understanding these factors, we can start to make sense of why just “resting” isn’t always enough for us. Importantly, we’ll discuss what real rest means for an AuDHD brain. I’ll share some strategies and tips on how to recharge the right way (because if your rest isn’t targeting the actual type of tired you are, it’s not going to truly restore you). And be sure to stick around till the end – I have 7 reflection questions for you. These will help you apply what we talk about to your own life, so you can figure out what drains your energy and how to refill your tank more effectively.So, grab a comfy seat, maybe a notebook, and let’s unpack why you’re still exhausted after rest – and what we can do about it.The Classic “Social Battery” Metaphor – And Its LimitsLet’s start with that “social battery” idea. It’s a popular way to describe energy levels, especially for introverts. The idea is pretty straightforward: social interaction uses energy, and solitude or downtime charges you back up. For example, if you spend all day socializing with coworkers or attending events, you might feel drained – your social battery is empty. Then you recharge by being alone, watching Netflix, reading, sleeping, what have you. The next day, your battery is full again (or at least partially recharged) and you repeat the cycle.This metaphor resonates because it acknowledges that socializing can be tiring, even if it’s fun. It’s commonly mentioned for conditions like ADHD or just shy/introverted personalities: “I need to recharge my social battery.” For neurotypical people, often a good night’s sleep or a quiet Sunday morning might indeed restore that sense of energy.But here’s the catch: the social battery model assumes only one dimension of fatigue – social energy in versus out. It treats all “rest” as equal, like plugging your phone into any charger will top it off. For those of us with ADHD, autism, or both (AuDHD), our experience tells a more complex story. We don’t just have a single battery that drains and refills; we have an entire panel of batteries or fuel tanks, each for different kinds of energy. Sometimes you’re not even sure which battery is low – you just know you’re running on fumes. And crucially, if you try to recharge in the wrong way, it’s like putting the wrong fuel in a car: you don’t get very far, and you might even stall out.Have you ever tried to rest – say you cleared your weekend to do nothing – and you did all the “right” restful things like sleeping in or binging a show, but you still felt wiped out on Monday? I’ve been there. Before I understood the multiple dimensions of burnout, I would get frustrated at myself: “I rested, why am I still tired? What’s wrong with me?” The social battery idea would have me believe that rest = recharge, so if I rested and I’m still tired, I must be doing something wrong. But the truth was, my rest wasn’t actually addressing the kind of exhaustion I had.The classic metaphor doesn’t account for things like:Mental overload – maybe your mind was exhausted from racing thoughts or decision-making, but your “rest” didn’t quiet your mind.Sensory overload – maybe your senses were still on high alert from a noisy, bright, chaotic week, and watching TV on the couch kept bombarding you with light and sound.Emotional strain – maybe you were carrying stress or anxiety (perhaps from masking your true self or holding in emotions), and “resting” by doing nothing didn’t process those feelings.Physical fatigue – maybe your body needed real recovery (nutrition, hydration, movement or sleep), but your rest was just lying around without addressing those needs.Executive function fatigue – perhaps you spent all week forcing your ADHD brain to stay organized and on-task, which is extremely draining, and simply taking time off work didn’t automatically replenish that mental fuel.In other words, neurodivergent exhaustion is multi-faceted, and the social battery idea is just one piece of the puzzle. For AuDHD folks, social interaction itself can be exhausting, yes, but why it’s exhausting goes beyond just “I don’t like being around people too long.” There are underlying factors – neurological and physiological – that make social settings or daily life in general more draining for us than for others. Let’s break down those factors.Why AuDHD Exhaustion Is More Than “Just Social”When you have autism, ADHD, or both, several concurrent processes are depleting your energy throughout the day. It’s like having multiple apps running on your mental phone battery. If we ignore all but one, we miss the full picture. Here are some of the big drains on an AuDHD “battery”:1. The Masking Labor – Hidden Exhaustion of “Acting Normal”Masking refers to hiding or suppressing your natural neurodivergent behaviors to fit into a neurotypical world. Think of it as a social survival strategy: you force yourself to maintain eye contact even though it’s uncomfortable, you hold back your stims (like fidgeting or rocking) to seem “calm,” you laugh when you’re supposed to even if you’re confused, you constantly monitor your tone and words so you don’t offend or seem weird. Basically, you’re running a mental filter 24/7 to appear “normal.” That is hard work!For autistic people especially, masking can be an enormous cognitive and emotional load. It’s not just casually wearing a “social face”; it’s more like performing a play where you’re the actor and the director, constantly watching yourself from the outside. For ADHD folks, masking might involve holding back your impulsive comments, forcing yourself to sit still and appear attentive, or over-preparing for conversations so you don’t lose track.All this mental multitasking consumes a ton of energy. Imagine your brain as a computer running several heavy programs at once – eventually it’s going to lag or overheat. When you’re masking, you might be:Analyzing every social cue and your own reactions (“Am I smiling enough? Did that joke land? Do I seem interested?”).Inhibiting natural impulses (“Don’t stim, don’t interrupt, don’t pace even though I’m restless…”).Translating your intended words into more “acceptable” phrases.Absorbing the stress of not being able to relax or be yourself.No wonder by the time you get home from work or a social gathering, you feel like you ran a marathon (even if all you did was sit in a conference room or a cafe). Masking is exhausting. It’s often described as wearing a heavy costume all day; when you finally take it off, you might physically collapse. This is a huge reason your “social battery” drains so fast and stays low: you weren’t just socializing, you were performing and self-censoring nonstop.2. Sensory Processing Load – When the World Overwhelms Your SensesMany autistic and ADHD individuals experience sensory sensitivities. This means ordinary environments can feel like an assault on your nervous system. The lights in a grocery store are glaring and fluorescent, the chatter at a party is a jumble of noise, the fabric of your shirt tag is scratching your neck all day – these might barely register for a neurotypical person, but for us, they can be intensely distracting or irritating.Your brain is constantly processing sensory input: sight, sound, touch, smell, movement, etc. In neurotypical brains, there’s a filter – they can often tune out background noise or adapt quickly to stimuli. In an AuDHD brain, that filter may be weaker or just different. Everything comes in at full volume, so to speak. As a result, you’re expending energy just to exist in what others call a “normal” environment. You might not realize how much work your brain is doing to process and cope with the sensory avalanche until you find yourself utterly drained for “no obvious reason.”It’s not just mentally tiring; it activates your physiology. When you’re in sensory overload, your body can go into a mild fight-or-flight state. Think about being startled by a sudden loud noise – your heart jumps, adrenaline spikes. Now imagine smaller scale but chronic versions of that throughout your day: the phone ringing, the traffic nois...

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Your Brain Isn’t Broken — It’s Patterned (Understanding the AuDHD Brain)

Dec 2700:32:12Tap to summarize

If you’re AuDHD (autism + ADHD), life can feel like a constant contradiction: craving routine but rebelling against it, needing stimulation but getting overwhelmed, wanting connection but burning out socially. In this episode, Carmen breaks down what neurodivergence actually means (not a personality test), explains ADHD vs autism vs AuDHD, and gives practical, nervous-system-friendly strategies to build a life that fits your brain.Timestamped Chapters (approx)* 0:00 — Cold open: the AuDHD paradox in one breath* 1:30 — Neurodivergence: what it is (and what it isn’t) Autistic Self Advocacy Network+1* 6:00 — ADHD explained: executive function + attention regulation CDC+1* 9:30 — Brain networks + “default mode interference” (why focus leaks) PMC+1* 11:30 — Autism explained: social communication + restricted/repetitive patterns CDC+1* 13:30 — Sensory processing differences + prediction models PMC+2PMC+2* 15:00 — AuDHD: why it’s missed + DSM-5 history PMC+1* 18:00 — Co-occurrence and what it means (you’re not “rare” or “weird”) PMC+1* 23:00 — The AuDHD Paradox Show: real-life examples* 32:00 — Tools & strategies: rails not cages, rotation menus, sensory-first, scripts* 39:30 — Closing: your brain is patterned + gentle next stepsKey Takeaways* Neurodiversity = natural variation in brains; neurodivergent is a nonmedical identity term. Autistic Self Advocacy Network+1* ADHD centers on executive functioning and attention regulation, not intelligence or effort. CDC+1* Autism centers on social communication differences + restricted/repetitive patterns, often including sensory differences. CDC+1* AuDHD can look contradictory because traits can mask each other; dual diagnosis became formally allowable in DSM-5. PMC+1* Sustainable support = “rails not cages,” rotation menus, sensory regulation, and externalizing executive function.Resources Mentioned* CDC: ADHD diagnosis overview CDC* CDC: ASD clinical diagnostic criteria overview CDC* ASAN neurodiversity explanation Autistic Self Advocacy Network* AuDHD comorbidity review (open access) PMCPredictive processing + prediction differences in autism (review/empirical)PMC+1SCRIPT:Hey there! Welcome or welcome back to another episode of authentically ADHD. I am not going to lie, this year has been hard and im so glad if you have stuck along with me, because the rest of the school year is going to be even busier. So thank you for your patience, and grace as I work through this year and let out episodes when I can. I had some inspo for this one because of the new year coming up, and ive talked about this before but not so much in depth. As I go through this episode, i want to share that ive recently self diagnosed myself as AuDHD, a person who has both ADHD and Autism. What does that mean? Well, lets talk about it!Okay, quick check-in: have you ever felt like your brain is two different people sharing one body— one who’s like, “Please, for the love of God, routine. Predictability. Same mug. Same route. Same show on repeat.” and the other who’s like, “If I do the same thing twice I will evaporate into dust like a vampire in daylight.”If yes… hi. Welcome. You’re in the right place.Today’s episode is called: “Your Brain Isn’t Broken — It’s Patterned.” Because I need you to hear this like it’s a bass line in your chest:Your brain is not morally failing. Your brain is not lazy. Your brain is not “too much.”This Substack is reader-supported. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.Your brain is patterned. And if you’re AuDHD—autism + ADHD—your pattern can feel like a paradox factory that runs 24/7 with no off switch and a slightly rude customer service department.So… let’s talk about what neurodivergence actually is, how ADHD and autism overlap, where they differ, and why AuDHD can feel like living inside a contradiction—and then I’m gonna give you real strategies that don’t feel like being yelled at by a productivity guru who thinks “just try harder” is a nervous system plan.[tiny pause]Are you ready? Let’s get started.Substack adOkay, tiny intermission—because if this podcast is helping your brain feel a little more understood, I want you to know there’s a whole extra layer of support waiting for you on my Substack.That’s where I publish Authentically ADHD, and you can usually get the podcast there first—but it’s not just a podcast drop. I’ve started writing blogs there too, which means you get deeper dives, the “ohhh THAT’S what’s happening in my brain” explanations, plus practical tools you can actually use when your executive function is doing that thing where it simply… leaves the chat.And here’s why I’m obsessed with it: Substack is neurodivergent-friendly by design. You can read posts when you want to skim, you can listen when reading is too much, and I include graphics most of the time because we deserve information in formats that don’t require suffering.So here’s your invitation: come subscribe on Substack. It’s free to join, and if you decide to become a paid member, you’ll get even more—bonus resources, extra content, and additional supports I’m building specifically for AuDHD/ADHD brains. Subscribe free… or go paid if you want the “director’s cut” plus the toolbox. Either way, I’m really glad you’re here.Neurodivergence: What it isSo lets talk about neurodivergence & how it is not a personality test. It’s not “Which quirky brain are you?” It’s not “I’m such an Aquarius so obviously I can’t do laundry.”And I say that as a person who loves a good identity moment.Neurodiversity is the idea that human brains vary—like biodiversity, but for minds. There isn’t one “correct” way a brain must work to be worthy. Neurodivergent is a non-medical term people use when their brain develops or functions differently from what society calls “typical.”Now—this matters— Saying “it’s a difference” does not erase disability. Some people are deeply disabled by ADHD or autism. Some need significant supports. Some don’t. Many fluctuate across seasons of life. But the point is: difference isn’t the same thing as defect.A patterned brain can be brilliant and still struggle. Because a lot of suffering isn’t just “the brain,” it’s the brain + the environment.If the world is built for one nervous system style, and you’re running a different operating system, you’re going to feel like you’re constantly doing life on hard mode.[pause]And if you’ve spent your whole life trying to “fix” yourself into the version of you that makes other people comfortable— I just want to say: I see you. That’s exhausting. That’s not personal weakness. That’s chronic mismatch.6:00–15:00 — ADHD vs Autism: Overlap and differences (clear, non-weird)Let’s do ADHD vs autism without turning it into a simplistic “either/or” checklist, because real humans are not BuzzFeed quizzes.ADHD (core pattern)ADHD is a neurodevelopmental condition where the core struggles involve attention regulation, impulsivity, and executive functioning—planning, starting, stopping, shifting, organizing, time sense, working memory… the invisible stuff that makes life run. Important: ADHD is not “can’t pay attent...

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AuDHD and the Holidays: Navigating the Holiday Hustle and Overwhelm

Nov 2200:31:47Tap to summarize

Hello and welcome to another episode of Authentically ADHD. I’m Carmen, and today we’re diving into how the holiday season feels through the eyes (and brain) of someone with AuDHD – that is, co-occurring autism and ADHD. For many of us, the holidays can feel less “holly jolly” and more like a perfect storm of stress. In this episode we’ll explore why the season can be extra hard, what it looks and feels like, and science-backed strategies to survive (and maybe even enjoy) the holidays. Whether you’re a newly diagnosed adult or a parent of a neurodivergent child, this one’s for you.What Is AuDHD? (Autism + ADHD)First, a quick science check. Autism and ADHD often go hand in hand. In fact, research suggests roughly 50–70% of autistic people also meet criteria for ADHD. Likewise, about two-thirds of people with ADHD have another condition like autism. In plain terms, having AuDHD means your brain experiences both sets of traits – the social-pragmatic and sensory sensitivities of autism and the attention-dopamine challenges of ADHD.This combination can feel like a constant tug-of-war in the mind. One part of you craves novelty and spontaneity (hello, ADHD!), while another part craves predictability and routine (hello, autism!). Imagine loving new experiences but also needing your favorite cookie recipe exactly the same every year. The result? It can be disorienting: you might feel like you “don’t fit” neatly into either camp. Some people with AuDHD describe it as an internal “tug-of-war” or seesaw: one side impulsive and messy, the other organized and anxious to plan.In practice, AuDHD often means compensating and crashing. For example, someone’s autism-driven focus might compensate for their ADHD-driven distractibility at work, or vice versa – ADHD-driven chaos can overwhelm autistic need-for-order, leaving them paralyzed by overwhelm. Dopamine is also at play: ADHD brains naturally crave dopamine and may impulsively seek novelty to get it. This can collide with autistic routines (which prefer sameness), causing even more internal conflict. All of this can be exhausting, but it also means AuDHD brains are vividly tuned in and often intensely creative. Think of it as life on high-intensity mode – colorful and chaotic, requiring constant balancing.Why the Holidays Are Extra ChallengingNow layer on the holidays, and the pressure cooker heats way up. Even neurotypical people report elevated stress: one survey found 62% of adults felt “very or somewhat” more stressed during the holidays than at other times of year. But for AuDHD brains, the holidays can amplify every stressor:Routines Disrupted: The holidays upend our anchors. School break means new daily rhythms, late nights, irregular meals – everything that might keep an autistic-AuDHD person grounded gets flipped. As one ND observer notes, “routines are often our anchor, and when they’re pulled away, it can leave us adrift”. Even small changes (late start on Monday, new host home, delayed bedtime) can throw our whole system off.Sensory Overload: Holiday sights, sounds, and smells come at you hard. Think bright lights, loud music, clanging dishes, lots of chatter, and maybe even firecrackers or poppers. These environments can push a neurodivergent nervous system into sensory overwhelm. In fact, decorations blaring carols while a dozen relatives talk at once – that’s the classic recipe for sensory overload. Neuroscience explains it as bombarding the five senses: your brain goes into fight-or-flight mode, and it can stay on high alert even after you’re home. One ADHD resource describes this: “the body’s nervous system shifts into ‘fight-or-flight’ mode… After the event, the body may remain on high alert, struggling to return to a relaxed baseline – leading to fatigue, overstimulation, and emotional shutdown.”. In short, holiday clamor can fry an AuDHD brain.Social and Family Dynamics: Holidays often mean forced proximity. You’re expected to play nice at a crowded party, join in traditions, maybe hug or kiss relatives, and make small talk. That’s a lot of unstructured social juggling. Neurodivergent people often need more downtime than society assumes, but the holidays cram intense social demands into the shortest days of winter. Feeling like you should be joyful and festive can clash with feeling drained, anxious, or withdrawn. This is the “disconnect between ‘should’ and ‘feel’” one psychologist talks about: everyone else is pretending joy, but you might feel agitated, melancholic, or exhausted instead. In fact, holiday stress can bring out “regressive” feelings: snapping at family, ruminating on past hurts, or longing for a perfect moment that never happens.Executive Overload: Then there’s all the planning and to-dos. Making a menu, shopping for gifts, wrapping, hosting – the holiday season can demand supercharged executive function. Neuroscience shows that high demands on the prefrontal cortex (the brain’s planning center) can impair memory and even slow down new brain cell growth. In other words, tackling 1,000 tasks can literally short-circuit our focus and memory. A coaching article notes that the “mental burden” of remembering everything impedes memory and interferes with brain-cell production. Even if you usually manage your ADHD well, the holiday juggle can make you feel like you’re losing control. It’s no wonder stress and forgetfulness skyrocket.Emotional Intensity: Holidays can stir deep emotions. The idea of a “perfect family celebration” is a myth, and that gap can trigger sadness, anxiety, or frustration. A 1950s concept called “Holiday Syndrome” described it well: diffuse anxiety, irritability, helplessness, and nostalgic/bitter rumination about past experiences. Many people (autistic or not) feel a low-grade hum of agitation or melancholy under the tinsel and carols If you’re also AuDHD, ADHD’s emotional dysregulation can supercharge those feelings. Research on ADHD shows that after a high-energy event, brains can “crash” with deep fatigue or emptiness as dopamine levels plummet. So after a big family gathering you might feel emotionally drained – like you’ve hit a wall. As one expert puts it, the ADHD brain gets a dopamine surge in the moment, then a drop afterward, leading to confusion and exhaustion. Cue the tears or irritability after the decorations are taken down.In short, every holiday pressure – social expectations, sensory chaos, broken routines, endless chores – hits AuDHD brains all at once. It’s like the perfect neurodivergent stress cocktail. One Autism/ADHD coach even calls the holidays “every AuDHD stressor at once”: unpredictability + social evaluation + sensory intensity + disrupted routines. No wonder we might feel totally fried by Dec 25.\FOCUSED & PATREON ADWhat It Feels Like: Overwhelm, Meltdowns, and MaskingSo what does all that actually feel like? Picture this: You step into a brightly lit living room filled with holiday music, clinking dishes, and chatty people. Immediately, your senses are on high alert. You feel your heart rate up (fight-or-flight kick in), your thoughts start racing, and your tolerance for noise plummets. You might grit your teeth through forced smiles, struggling to follow 5 conversations at once. In that moment, you’re using every bit of your brain’s executive function – planning what to say, filtering stimulation, remembering everyone’s names, and suppressing the urge to bolt for silence. It’s exhausting.Later, when you finally escape, you might hit the proverbial wall. Suddenly you feel mentally numb, weepy, or totally blank. This is the classic AuDHD “crash.” As one ADHD writer explains, after the stimulus ends “your brain experiences a dopamine drop – leading to emotional disorientation, fatigue, or a deep sense of emptiness.”. You could become super-snappy or oversensitive (even minor things trigger tears or rage). You might replay awkward conversations and feel a wave of guilt or paranoia. Or you might simply withdraw – closing your eyes, zoning out, or curling up until you “recharge.” These aren’t just mood swings; they’re neurological reactions to overload.Kids and adults alike can shut down too – becoming nonverbal, hiding, or refusing to participate. You might have meltdowns (full emotional blow-ups) or shutdowns (going blank). It might look like bursts of crying, rage, or stimming (repetitive self-soothing behaviors). This is especially common if surprises disrupt expected plans. And if you’re masking (pretending to be “normal”), this takes even more energy. One psychologist notes that neurodivergent folks “must mask extra hard” during holidays when everyone expects cheer, which makes us even more exhausted and anxious.If you’re a parent, you might watch your neurodivergent child display these behaviors. Maybe your teen suddenly “shuts down” mid-game, or your kindergarten child bursts into tears over a drop of water on a new shirt. They might meltdown over something as small as being served pie in a different dish, or hyperfocus on one toy ignoring the party around them. Either way, the feeling inside is similar: overwhelmed, dysregulated, and just done.It may help to know: You are not alone and not wrong. Feeling relief when others appear joyful, or feeling resentful for holiday expectations, is norm...

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Masking, Unmasking, and the Exhaustion in Between

Oct 2500:29:36Tap to summarize

IntroductionImagine trying to swim while holding a beach ball underwater – you might pull it off for a bit, but sooner or later that ball is bobbing to the surface. Masking ADHD can feel just like that. Many of us with ADHD learn early that our brains and behaviors can stand out, so we develop a “socially acceptable” persona to blend in. We smile, sit still, and force focus – all to hide our natural restlessness or distraction. This isn’t about being fake; it’s a survival strategy learned over years. But as the ADDA (Adult ADHD Organization) puts it, keeping that mask on “will take a lot of energy – and the same goes for hiding your ADHD symptoms” In this episode, we’ll explore what masking looks like, why we do it, how it varies across individuals, and most importantly, how to gradually unmask without burning out.What Is Masking and Why We Do It“Masking” (also called camouflaging or impression management) means hiding ADHD-related behaviors to appear neurotypical, usually to avoid stigma or negative judgments. Psychologists trace the idea back to Russell Barkley, who noted roughly one-third of people with ADHD develop masking habit. In practice, this can mean sitting unnaturally still to hide hyperactivity, speaking slowly to avoid interrupting, or painstakingly rehearsing what to say in social situations. We do it for safety. Maybe a teacher, boss, or parent once told us our energy was “too much,” or we saw peers get punished for fidgeting. Over time, we absorb: if we let our ADHD out, we risk judgment, rejection, or even losing out on opportunities. In fact, research shows it’s not paranoia: about 78% of adults with ADHD admit to concealing their symptoms at work for fear of discrimination In school, the disparity can be shocking – one study found students with overt ADHD behaviors are disciplined 3.5 times more often than their peers for the same actions. Add gender and cultural pressures, and masking can feel like the only path: for example, women with ADHD often face “double discrimination” (for having ADHD and for not fitting feminine organizational norms) and are 40% more likely than men to hide their diagnosis entirely. In short, from childhood on, many of us learn that showing our “whole” ADHD selves is risky or unwelcome. So we adapt. We smile when our mind is racing, offer practical reasons for missed details (“Sorry I’m late, traffic was a nightmare!”), and push down our impulsivity. This constant self-monitoring – judging every word, movement, or post you make – drains your brain like a marathon trainer. It literally spikes stress: one study found that simply drafting and editing an email to seem “normal” boosts cortisol by 45% – your body treats each message like a big performance reviewe. Over time, the nervous system can’t tell the difference between a social slip-up and physical dange, so we end up trapped in a cycle of hyper-alertness, exhaustion, and anxiety.What Masking Looks LikeBecause masking is so ingrained, it can look subtle – almost invisible – to others. Here are some common signs:Forcing calmness: You feel restless or impulsive inside, but you keep your voice and movements unusually slow. Your leg might be itching to bounce, but you tuck it under the chair. (Essentially, you’re acting tranquil on the outside to hide your inside.).Over-checking & perfectionism: You triple-check your work or double-back on a short text. It’s not just organization; it’s anxiety about making even a tiny mistake. You polish emails or assignments obsessively so no one will doubt you. This can buy you time socially, but it bleeds your time and energy.Mimicking behavior: You silently copy others. If classmates fidget with a pencil or crack jokes, you nod and do something similar, even if it feels unnatural. You rehearse social scripts or small talk lines so you don’t stand out.Hyper-focusing to overcompensate: You push intense focus on tasks that are being observed. In a meeting, you might go above and beyond on one project to cover for the times your attention drifts away.Suppressing stims: You swallow small yelps when you’re excited, hold in hand-flapping urges, or quietly tap your foot under the table so nobody notices your need to move.Masking emotions: Instead of expressing frustration or excitement, you “perform” a neutral or cheerfully appropriate response. You might bottle up anxiety during social events and then have a breakdown in private.Over time, these “adaptations” literally become a second job. You’re constantly monitoring yourself: “Am I moving too much? Did I blurt out something weird? Should I rephrase that?” It can feel like juggling while walking a tightrope. Nothing about the self feels authentic anymore – you’re playing roles, not being you. But it’s understandable: many ADHDers grew up being rewarded for “good behavior” and punished for impulsivity. The very need to mask is born out of those early lessons.The Spectrum of Masking ExperiencesMasking isn’t one-size-fits-all; it varies depending on who you are, your ADHD type, and even where you live. For example, many women with ADHD describe “quiet masking”: an exhausting act of looking calm and organized while feeling chaos inside. Research suggests women often mask more intensely – making extra lists, rehearsing conversations, or overstating competence – which partly explains why ADHD in girls is underdiagnosed. One online clinician notes that 82% of women with ADHD report taking excessive notes or lists as a main coping strategy, whereas men more often throw themselves into high-powered work or sports to cover their restlessness. Men, on the other hand, often face a different mask: society may expect them to “just power through” or hide vulnerability. They might channel their energy into accomplishments or humor while resisting showing any confusion or need for help. Non-binary folks often juggle multiple sets of expectations, effectively running two exhausting personas simultaneouslyHormones also play a role: many women report that masking feels easier at certain times of the month and nearly impossible at others. Studies find that in the week before a period (when estrogen drops), it may take two to three times the energy to hold the mask than usual. In real numbers, one analysis suggests neurodivergent women spend about 4.2 hours each day on masking behaviors (mental checklists, micro-adjustments, etc.) compared to 2.7 hours for men – almost two extra hours of invisible labor.Cultural and social context also shifts masking. If you live in a community that stigmatizes any difference, you may have learned to mask more completely. Queer or BIPOC individuals, for instance, often mask not just ADHD but intersectional identities – layering on extra caution. As a parent, you may have taught your child that only quiet, compliant behavior is “good,” so they never learned a louder style of coping. As an educator, you might see a child who seems well-behaved and think “no ADHD here,” while inside that child is using up all their energy to meet those external expectations. The takeaway: everybody’s mask looks a bit different. What matters is the cost: all masking demands surplus energy, and when you’re always paying that cost, the debt comes due.The Exhaustion CostSpeaking of cost – exhaustion is the hallmark of masking. It’s not ordinary tiredness; it’s an all-the-way-to-your-toes, bone-deep fatigue. Over time, masking takes an enormous toll on mental and physical health. Psychologists warn that chronic masking leads to “chronic stress, emotional exhaustion, and mental health struggles” like anxiety or depression. You might find yourself mentally blanking after social events, or breaking down over small setbacks. Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) can worsen this: even a tiny hint of criticism triggers a panic that sends you scrambling to mask harder, which drains more energy.Imagine the analogy of a running car engine: for you, masking means the engine is revving constantly, even when parked. That steady drain pushes cortisol and adrenaline through your system day after day. In fact, one study found cortisol (the stress hormone) climbs nearly 50% higher when an ADHD brain is in “masking mode,” treating every text or conversation like a high-stakes. No wonder so many ADHDers talk about being “tapped out” by nightfall.The breakdown can look like burnout or even depression. Burnout may start targeted (you feel okay at home but depleted at work), whereas depression spreads gloom into all areas. The difference can blur when masking for years: you might not even recognize yourself under the layers of effort. Some call it an identity crisis – when the role you’ve played for so long crowds out who you actually are. Teachers and therapists note that people rapidly “unmasking” often feel lost at first, confused about what they truly feel versus what they’ve performed for so long.Chronic masking even shows up in our bodies. It turns out that intense mental effort – like keeping a fake version of you running all day – activates the same inflammation pathways as physical traum. In other words, the stress of constant performance can undermine your immune system and heart health just like chronic physical stress. People who have masked intensely for years sometimes develop exhaustion-related illnesses in mid-life (autoimmunity, chronic pain, etc.) at higher rates. The data is sobering: extreme mental strain is linked with roughly a 23% higher risk of heart disease and 50% higher risk of Type 2 diabetes.None of this means your experience is exaggerated or “all in your head” – it’s very real. Masking might start as a child’s coping trick, but it can become a hidden crisis of burnout and self-alienation. When we say “exhaustion in between,” we mean the haze between two states: who you pret...

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Why Transitions Feel Like a Full-Body Earthquake

Sep 800:30:48Tap to summarize

In this episode of Authentically ADHD, we’re cracking open one of the most misunderstood struggles of AuDHD life: transitions. Whether it’s getting out of bed, switching tasks, or handling major life shifts like job changes or breakups—transitions can feel like full-body earthquakes that knock us off our axis.Join Carmen as she unpacks the neuroscience behind why transitions are so hard when you're wired with both ADHD and autism. From executive dysfunction to emotional dysregulation, sensory overload to task initiation paralysis—this episode breaks it all down with science, sarcasm, and soul.You’ll hear relatable anecdotes (including meltdowns over sock seams and hyperfocus hostage situations), insights from ADHD researchers and the ADHD Adults UK Podcast, and 10 practical tips to make transitions less chaotic and more compassionate.✨ If you’ve ever wondered why a “simple” change feels like a system shutdown—you’re not alone. And you’re definitely not broken.📚 Topics Covered:* Executive functions involved in transitions* Why AuDHD brains resist shifting gears* Emotional and sensory overwhelm* Tools, rituals, and scripts to ease transitions* How to support yourself with structure—not shame🎧 Press play, breathe deep, and let’s navigate the messy magic of change—together.@authenticallyadhd_podcastFollow me:Linktree:https://linktr.ee/carmen_iraceJoin Focused: https://ihaveadhdllc.ontralink.com/t?orid=29951&opid=1 This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit carmenauthenticallyadhd.substack.com/subscribe

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Too Positive? Deep Dive on Toxic Positivity (part 1))

Aug 3101:00:56Tap to summarize

🎙️ Episode Title: Too Positive? Deep Dive on Toxic Positivity – Part 1 💥 Podcast: Authentically ADHD with CarmenEpisode Summary: In this powerful Part 1 episode, Carmen unpacks the surprisingly harmful impact of toxic positivity—that relentless “good vibes only” energy that floods our feeds and conversations but often leaves us feeling invalidated, misunderstood, or just plain unseen.We’re diving deep into what toxic positivity really is (spoiler: it’s not the same as genuine optimism), how it shows up in everyday life, and why it’s especially harmful for ADHD brains that already struggle with emotional regulation, rejection sensitivity, and internalized shame.Carmen explores the science behind emotional suppression vs. expression, using insights from trauma-informed therapy, positive psychology, and mindfulness-based neuroscience to help explain how this "be happy no matter what" mindset actually increases stress, shame, and even physical health risks. Plus, she digs into how society, culture, and even the self-help world contribute to the rise of this positivity pressure—and why folks with ADHD often bear the brunt of it.👀 Expect real talk, research-backed breakdowns, and compassionate call-outs like:* 🚫 “Your feelings make me uncomfortable.”* 🚫 “Let’s spiritually bypass our way out of this.”* 🚫 “If you’re not smiling, you’re failing.”Whether you’ve been on the receiving end of these vibes, or accidentally sent them yourself (we all have!), this episode gives you the language, validation, and science to understand why it feels so wrong—and what to do about it.✨ Stick around for Part 2, where we’ll dive into actionable strategies to replace performative positivity with authentic, grounded emotional support—for yourself and others.@authenticallyadhd_podcastFollow me:Linktree:https://linktr.ee/carmen_iraceJoin Focused: https://ihaveadhdllc.ontralink.com/t?orid=29951&opid=1 This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit carmenauthenticallyadhd.substack.com/subscribe

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ADHD & Energy Management The Spoon Theory Explained

Aug 2300:36:01Summary ready

🎙️ Episode Title: ADHD & Energy Management: The Spoon Theory, Explained💥 Summary:In this episode of Authentically ADHD, we're digging deep into something that hits WAY too close to home for many of us: energy management. You know that frustrating gap between what you want to do and what your brain/body will actually let you do? Yeah, that.Enter: The Spoon Theory—a simple yet powerful metaphor that helps explain why ADHDers often feel completely wiped after doing things that seem “easy” to neurotypicals (like answering emails or… existing).We'll break down:* 🥄 What “spoons” actually are (and no, this isn’t about your silverware drawer)* ⚡ Why people with ADHD have an inconsistent energy battery and how that affects motivation, executive function, and emotional regulation* 🧠 The neuroscience behind burnout, decision fatigue, and overstimulation in ADHD brains* 🧃 How to create your own daily “spoon budget” to avoid crashing before noon* 🧰 Coping strategies to recharge your spoons, preserve your energy, and set boundaries without guiltExpect metaphors, real-life examples, sarcasm (obviously), and some truth bombs you didn’t know you needed. This is your permission slip to stop feeling lazy—and start honoring your unique brain-body energy loop.✨ Because you don’t lack willpower—you’re just out of spoons, babe. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit carmenauthenticallyadhd.substack.com/subscribe

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ADHD’s Secret Focus Hack

Aug 1400:34:13Tap to summarize

In this episode of Authentically ADHD, host Carmen dives into the powerful productivity hack of body doubling – a strategy that can help ADHDers stay focused, overcome procrastination, and actually get stuff done. Body doubling isn’t just about sitting next to a friend while you work (though that definitely helps!); it’s about harnessing the presence of another person, tool, or environment to provide external structure and motivation for your ADHD brain.Carmen explores the science behind why body doubling works, focusing on the role dopamine plays in task initiation and focus. From in-person body doubling to virtual co-working sessions, group productivity, passive presence, and even using apps and timers, this episode covers multiple ways to implement body doubling in your life.Through personal anecdotes, actionable tips, and a deep dive into the neuroscience behind it all, Carmen offers listeners practical, creative ideas for incorporating body doubling into their daily routines. Whether you're struggling with that looming to-do list or just need a productivity boost, this episode will give you the tools you need to find your focus and crush those tasks with a little help from your "focus buddies."If you’ve ever found it hard to start or stick with a task, this episode is for you. Tune in and discover how body doubling can become your secret weapon in the battle against procrastination!Don’t forget to subscribe, rate, and share with a friend who could use a productivity boost too!Linktree:https://linktr.ee/carmen_iraceJoin Focused: https://ihaveadhdllc.ontralink.com/t?orid=29951&opid=1Sources & Further Reading* Healthline – Body Doubling for ADHD: What Is It and How Does It Work?* PsychCentral – ADHD Body Doubling: What It Is and How It Works* Focusmate Blog – How a Body Double Can Help You Stay Productive and Accountable* Medical News Today – Body Doubling for ADHDFocusmate – Using Forest App for ADHD This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit carmenauthenticallyadhd.substack.com/subscribe

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All episodes

Live with carmen_authenticallyadhd

Self-Trust After ADHD: Why You Don’t Believe Yourself Anymore

AuDHD and the Social Battery: Why You’re Still Exhausted After Rest

Your Brain Isn’t Broken — It’s Patterned (Understanding the AuDHD Brain)

AuDHD and the Holidays: Navigating the Holiday Hustle and Overwhelm

Masking, Unmasking, and the Exhaustion in Between

Why Transitions Feel Like a Full-Body Earthquake

Too Positive? Deep Dive on Toxic Positivity (part 1))

ADHD & Energy Management The Spoon Theory Explained

ADHD’s Secret Focus Hack