← Aware and Aggravated
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- [00:03]
Unknown Speaker
Hi friends. I took a shot right before I turned the camera on this week. We getting into it. I don't know what I'm going to end up titling this, but I'm basically going to talk about signs you've outgrown your life, but also how to become unavailable to the life that you don't want and become unavailable to stress. This week my soul's been cooking me. I don't even have my chain on because I'm in the middle of packing for a trip. I'm going out of town this weekend. I have everything packed and ready to go. It's like 1:30 in the morning right now. But I all of a sudden want to record. So here we are. But I had a premonition that sounds like I'm. It's so raven. Not like that, but I don't know how else to word it or describe it other than a premonition of my house getting broken into. But every time I leave my house or travel or go somewhere, I always post my life and what I'm doing, what I'm up to. Sometimes it's in real time, sometimes it's not. Most of the time it is. And I posted that I'm going to be going to Vegas this weekend. I always have a concern and a fear and a worry a little bit about someone breaking into my house. I always lock up my valuables in the safe. But this time's different. I feel like I'm getting an intuitive message because the last time I had a visual and like an experience where it's kind of like a premonition type thing, only way to describe it was what started my entire spiritual journey. So I've talked about this a long time ago, but the first time I ever had like a spiritual kind of experience and what cracked me into spirituality and okay, I was 21 and I was working as a nurse and I hated my life. It was right when I finished nursing school, got my license. I started working on the floor that I precepted in. So I worked pretty much for free for six months on this floor. And then I started working there after like eight shifts. I think I was miserable and something I used to do all the time was go ride my skateboard. I had an electric skateboard because I used to go skateboard with my best friend Genevieve in Pensacola. But one night I was going alone to go skateboard because I was off my shifts. Like you work typically three, four days in a row and then you're off for four or five days as like that's all the nursing shifts went. So I finished my three shifts and it was the next night, it was like a Friday night and I was like, I am so mentally just like gassed, I'm over it, I'm just going to go skateboard downtown, whatever. And I remember vividly walking into my bathroom at my dad's house, I used to live with my dad. And when I walked into my bathroom I saw a visual, it was kind of like a premonition type thing of me on my skateboard flying off and breaking my leg. And it scared the out of me for a second and I was like, maybe I shouldn't go. Like I started to wonder like, oh, maybe I shouldn't go. But this is when the whole spirituality thing, I started opening up to it and like trying to understand things. Cuz I was wanting to quit my job but I was like trying to convince myself to justify staying even though I was miserable. Oh, maybe I didn't work there long enough. Maybe I don't know yet, you know, when you know if you're miserable, shift immediately. So saw this visual of me flying off a skateboard, breaking my leg and I stopped dead in my tracks. And I was like, what the hell was that? Like am I not supposed to go? Am I just being like a worry wart? Am I just being anxious or what the hell was that? So I didn't really let myself get overwhelmed by the emotions of it, but I started to immediately think like I can't break my leg, maybe I shouldn't go skateboard right now because if I break my leg I can't work. And it's like my brain connected the dots of like that's the benefit, that's how this seemingly bad experience could happen for me. And it shattered my whole idea of like being punished by life. And for the time, because I had, I've had a lot of run ins with feeling punished with life, but I saw how like something negative could happen and actually be for me in a subconscious way. Kind of like a shadow work thing. But like you might be hoping for something but you ain't got the balls to do it so life will do it for you. Like I wanted to quit and I was like, okay, yeah, it would suck to break my leg, but I could get out of the job. But then I was like, no, I would still force myself to work with just to put a cast on my leg and just work. And then I was like wait. And this started making me think about a bunch of. And I was like, I Could see how me breaking my leg would actually happen. For me, it's the first time I kind of felt my soul very clearly and was like, I need to quit this job, Because I was kind of happy at the thought of breaking my leg. So I would be pushed further to not work this job no more. And then I ended up quitting that job. But anyway, that's the last time I had a premonition type thing, and it was the first one that I ever had. It was very strong, and it's what launched me into my spiritual journey, and that is when my entire life shifted. I had another one yesterday, and it's got me tweaked out. It's got me bugging, bro, like, bad. I'm scared. I'm not scared. I'm just like. Because it's another situation. I see exactly what it is for what it is, and I'm like, damn. So me and my sister got invited back to Power Slap in Vegas. We went earlier this year. It was on March 7th on my birthday this year, and they're doing another one, and they invited us back, and I was like, oh, hell, yeah. We f to go. We going to have a good time. So I booked the flights a couple days ago, whatever, and. And yesterday I leave tomorrow. But yesterday I had this weird visual thing. It was kind of like a scenario where it happened before with the first kind of, like, premonition, visual message, whatever you want to call it. It was a situation like that. I saw myself in Vegas at a nightclub, and I was watching on my phone, on all of my security cameras. I was watching. People burglarized my house. It was so real. And all the emotions you'd expect came up of, like, damn it. But the reason it tripped me out so bad is because the last time I had this, like, visual scenario, it was when I was talking about with the skateboarding night. I actually went and skateboarded that night when I had the little visual back when I was 21, I went on my skateboard. I was driving downtown, and in my visual, I saw myself flying off the skateboard, like, hitting something in the road and flying off. And I was close to a railroad track. After realizing how falling off a skateboard, breaking my leg could be for me, I still went. I was like, I'm just gonna be careful, because maybe I'm not. Maybe it's not gonna happen, because now I understand what it was for. And then I go skateboard. And I was going down a road I typically don't go down. And I know where the railroad tracks are downtown in Pensacola. So I was going down one road. I didn't know that a railroad track was at the end of it, but I was flying the skateboards. Went like 30 miles an hour. It's got a little remote. You have it in your hand. I was flying down the slow road late at night, having a good time by myself, feeling the breeze through my hair at the time before I shaved my head. But I all of a sudden got like, a weird urge. Like, something pulled my arm of, like, slow down. And I kind of, like, heard it and felt it, like, just slow down. So I pulled back on the little remote on my thing, and it slows down the skateboard. And as I come up to the road, there's a railroad track. And I stopped. Like, I was coasting to a slow stop. And I got to the railroad track, and I stopped, and I was like, no way. And I walked up with my skateboard to the railroad track, and I put my skateboard toward it and, like, in it, because there's, like, a little strip before the track. My skateboard wheel fit exactly in that hole. So had I been going full speed and hit that, my wheel would have fell in, and I would have flipped off at that spot. So that's what tripped me out about this. And I was like, there's definitely something more to it. I don't know what the this means or what this is, but, like, I got. That was the night, like, my little, like, message visual thing saved me from flying off, breaking my leg. And then after that moment, I was truly like, okay, now I'm quitting. That's what made me quit the job was like, the stack of, like, what happened with that. But this situation now with my house getting burglarized, it's stressing me out so bad because it's the same feeling and the same visual. And I understand exactly why my house getting burglarized would be for me. And when all the emotions came up, when I had this visual, instead of being available to the stress and freaking the out, I just observed it. I was like, okay, I'm not stressing out. I'm not. Whatever. I'm okay. I saw a visual. Okay, so what? I didn't start running, and maybe I should cancel the trip, start freaking out. I didn't start running around and, like, panic packing and moving my. And I didn't start doing all this. I didn't let the thought and the feelings come up and then immediately act I unavailable to that. I don't. I'm not available to react to my emotions. So I sat with the. The visual for a second. I was like, okay. And I sat with it for a few hours. I kept going with my day and they kept making more and more sense and I started to feel bad. I was like, damn. Because I see the truth of it. It would set me free for my house to be burglarized. I would come back home from my trip and not give a flying how much it costs, what I'm going to do or what's going to happen, anything left in this house, I'm selling it. And I'm selling this fucking house what I want. And I've been saying it for the past couple podcast episodes. I've outgrown this house. And I've kind of been prolonging, moving and selling it and changing because I was fighting so hard to make stability for myself after leaving LA last year. I've been here for a year. It's like my year is almost up. August, like, 12th, I think, is my year. I can't seem to stay living somewhere for more than a year. It's like my year is always up and I move. But I fought so hard to make stability for myself and, like, get this house. The truth is, no matter what I've done to this house, no matter what I've bought to put in it, it just doesn't feel right. It doesn't feel like I've settled. I settled fully with this house. And it's just kind of been like a container and like a little prison for me to sit in. And it's not been to foster me, it's just been to, like, shelter me and just, like, be somewhere to stay. And I've been trying to convince myself I like it, and I convinced myself that it's up to my standards and I love it and whatever. Like, I can't do it no more. I can't sit here and convince myself I'm happy with it. I'm not. I've bought so much to try and make it more my style and make it feel more homey. It just ain't it. This is not the house for me. I. It's not big enough. It's not as secure as I want a house to be. And this chapter is over. And I've just been prolonging and not acting on it because I'm, like, making excuses and bullshit. Kind of like how I was doing when I was considering quitting my job. But with this house, I had to face the truth of it. That's what sucks about these realizations and like the visuals that come up is like, you got to see the fucking truth. Like I was miserable in my nursing job. I don't like this house I don't feel comfortable in. Feels like it's holding me back at this point. So I was thinking, okay, if my house did get burglarized, what would I do? I would come home like I said and get the out of this house. I wouldn't even stay at this house. I wouldn't sleep here. I would go stay in a hotel, I go stay somewhere and get the out of here. I'd probably go to Miami or something and like get hotels and just like whatever, put some in a storage unit if anything's left and just go from there and just like travel around and see what the happens. I don't feel like I can do that. I've been wanting to travel, I've been having an itch to travel, but I don't feel like I can do it. Cuz there's like, I don't know what it is about this house. It feels like it's like anchoring me and like holding me down. But that's kind of the realization that hit me. I was like, okay, if it does get burglarized, it would be for me, but like, damn. I don't want to live a life where I make changes when they get bad. Like, I don't want hardships and bad things to happen to me for me to make a change. Because one thing I've learned in this life, if you don't make a goddamn change that you know you need to make, God will make you do it. Life will crumble and turn the pressure cooker on and heat your ass up and just start demolishing everything around you until you make the change you need to make. Last year when I got off tour, when I was considering extending my lease and staying in la, I got in a car wreck right before the end of my tour, like five shows I had left. I got in a car, like almost died, should be dead. But in that moment I was like, I'm not staying in la. I hate that place. No, it's like bad things happening give you clarity and force you to make changes. And I know this and I'm just like realizing all this and becoming aware of it didn't make me feel better. I've had this impending sense of like it's gonna happen. But again, I'm not letting myself be available to the stress and the anxiety and freaking out. Okay, if I worry about certain or things come up, okay? I'm not gonna act off of it. I'm not gonna run around like an idiot. But this feeling has been coming up and now it's the day, like it's the night before. I'm leaving tomorrow. And this feeling has been on 10. Like listening to my soul going through my house. When I was packing my clothes to leave without realizing it, I was packing things that I couldn't live without. Like things that I would be really devastated if someone broke in and took them. So through packing I had to stop. I was like, okay, what the am I doing? I'm supposed to be packing my suitcase and I'm literally packing my house like I'm moving. And I was like, I don't know what the hell's going on, but it made me like start to think about everything in my house. And then I full fledged started grieving this house and like processing it like it already is over. And I was trying to pack my, to pack my suitcases so I can leave. And I literally couldn't avoid the truth of like, I don't know what this is inside of me. It's not anxiety. It's just like my soul is leading me to look at everything in my house and assess what would I be upset if I lost? What do I want to take to my next chapter? It's like this chapter's closed. And I was like, it's like I could feel the morning, I could feel it all turning over. I've been through this so many times. I've moved like four or five places in a short amount of time. I know what this feels like and I'm not having to do anything this time. It's like it's just happening for me. But I kept seeing my storage unit in my head. So I started going around my house and I started grabbing the clothes from my closet that I would be upset if I lost. And I basically like tried to pack up my life as if I'm about to be stolen from. And it gave me so much clarity around what actually matters to me. And I started to get really emotional because I realized I don't have that much I actually care about. And it's so freeing in a way. Like, I feel very free that this is happening. But it's sad as because I was looking around my house and I was like, all the stuff that I've bought, certain furniture, certain like Versace pillows and dishware and that I've bought. It's like I was trying so hard Just to make myself feel better. And I saw it for what it was. And I don't have that much worth taking. I don't have that much worth for myself holding on to and like stressing out over. So I was kind of just like going around and I grabbed my. I packed my suitcases for what I'm gonna take with me. And then anything left over, I put it in my car because I'm gonna go take it to the storage unit. I tried to go tonight, but it was closed, so I'll go tomorrow. But I didn't do this out of anxiety, out of fear, out of nothing. It was just like kind of like my soul leading me on, like, what to grab, what to take. But I started to grab certain things from my living room, in my kitchen, like certain Versace vases. And like, I just started grabbing expensive where I was like, if people took this, I would be bummed because it's pricey. And I started to get like, really emotional because I saw what was happening. I was reaching for any kind of sense of control or comfort or like, you can't take this from me. Like, I felt like I was trying to get ahead of it and it's like the anxiety started to take over and I saw it for what it was and I was like, put him back. There was certain, like, just stupid ashtrays that are expensive, vases, glassware. I saw it for what it was and I saw myself in that moment and it was kind of pathetic. I was like, you're grabbing shit just because you want some kind of sense of control. But, like, what you need to actually face is you don't actually care about anything that you have. Like, there are certain things, yeah, but like, just because shit's expensive, like, take the price tag off, do you care about it? And I was like, no, not really. Like, there's certain things that I love and there's a lot of that I took. But it was so much easier to leave this house than I thought. Like, I put all the things I wanted in my car. Anything really important is in my thousand pound safe. My guns are in there. Everything like document wise that I need is in there. Because like, girl, if you break in, good luck getting in that and good luck you can't get it out the fucking house. So there's certain things that are like locked in that, that I know that are secure. I'm taking my jewelry with me. It was really sad facing the truth that like, I didn't create a life for myself that I'm scared to lose or like there's nothing worth holding on to really. It's like as long as I got my sister and my couple people in my life and my. That I need to like wear and things that mean something to me, like my little memory box. I'm a Pisces girl. I have a memory box of like all the little like random wristbands from certain concerts and events and little notes people wrote me and like all my birthday cards from all the years. I have all that in a box. Like I have a memory box. I have a couple of them, cuz they, they fill. But I grabbed that stuff and like, what this big thing was in my head of moving and leaving this house was like such a hard thing, but like, it still doesn't fully make sense. But the thing that really tripped me the out is I had no plan of going to a club while I'm in Vegas at all, at all. Like, I'm like, I don't care to party. I don't want to do none of that. And then one of my friends, Kenzie, I've talked about her before, is gonna be in Vegas. When I'm in Vegas, I was like, okay, Tay and a couple of her friends gonna be there. We offense. My sister's gonna be with me. I was like, oh, that'll be a. That'll be a key. We're going to have Flame. We got a couple events to go to. I'm going to Power Slap, going to ufc, going to a couple restaurants. But then Fountain Blue, where I'm staying, reached out to offer me a section at the club live that they have the night of Power Slap. After the event, they're going to give me a section and shit. I'm like, oh my God. All of a sudden all my friends are going to be there. We could have a time and a half, my sister will be there. And I was like, I'm already gonna be dressed up from the event. We're gonna be there, like, free section. Like, why not go have a party, have a good time. And then I saw that the person headlining, the person performing, is a DJ I really like. And I was like, oh my God. Like, it was like, dun, dun, dun. Because it all started making sense. Like, I saw the club before I even got invited to the club, and I had no plan to go to a club. But the way that it all fell in line and lined up, I was like, oh. And that's what made me start to be like, okay, let's really pay attention to our soul because there's something happening. Like, it felt like this robbery was gonna be 100. It felt like it was already happening, and my soul was already moving accordingly. Of, like, look at what you need to look at that is important to you. You're gonna save it. Anything that makes you feel free and good and you like it, we're gonna take it. Anything that makes you feel held down or restricted or held back, like, fake comfort, fake anything, we're leaving it. And that's the piece of, like, clarity that cracked me, that made me so sad about so much of everything, because I'm like, the things that I have. It makes me feel held back. Because what I want to do is go travel and have fun and go, like, explore with no stress of someone breaking in my goddamn house. So I faced it, and I took what I thought I would want. I took what I know that I want. And anything that made me feel, like, held back, there was so much more that I left behind than I realized. And I'm like, whoa, this just fully shifted every goddamn thing. But the thing that made me the most upset was the sense of freedom I felt when I saw the visual. It kept replaying of me in the club watching people breaking in my house because I have cameras every where. I have a security system out the ass, but I watched on the camera people breaking in. And I, like, it got more and more real every time the visual would pop up, and I was, like, living it. And then I saw how relieved I felt, and I heard, like, I'm free. And that's what sent me over to edge of, like, sad. Because I'm like, damn, now I know what I need to do. I kind of, like, before I leave, I've been thinking about it, like, okay, if someone did break in my house, what are the exact steps I would take when I got home? And I kind of want to do it regardless. Like, even if someone doesn't break in my house, I don't want to have to make like, something bad happens to me before I act in line with what my soul wants me to do. Like, I know I'm not happy here. For whatever reason I've been holding back. Fear, worry, doubt, whatever the. I'm not available to that no more. I'm just gonna go for it. Like, this whole experience, I'm like, I'm not making the same mistake twice. I didn't make a mistake the first time with the skateboard. Funny, I'm saying that that quitting my nursing job changed my entire life for the better. So I don't know this. I. I feel it's like the next. Like my life is about to open up and everything's about to shift and change. It already is. But like, this is the last anchor is this house. So I'm like, all right, I'm open to seeing what the gonna happen. I don't know. It's very scary, it's confusing, it's weird, but it feels right. So I'm going to be available to that and I'm just going to kind of play it and see what happens. This is my trust fall chapter. I've been hearing that a lot too. Like, trust fall, trust fall, trust fall. In the back of my head, Like, I keep hearing it and it's like all this is making sense and lining up, but like a couple other things that have been happening that have been pushing me to this point. The other day, my neighbor recognized me. I've been dealing with getting recognized a lot more than ever before. Literally everywhere I go, it happens. And I don't mind it because I have my house to come back to and I'm. I feel safe in it. I feel like, okay, I'm secluded, nobody knows where I'm at, whatever. Going out in public is like, I have to be aware even more of my surroundings and aware like times 10. So, like, I stay in my house a lot and I like to be at home when I don't have anywhere, like, I need to be or like, really want to be. I don't just go spend time in public anymore. But the other day I was in my garage smoking a cigarette, and one of my neighbors recognized me from being online and they lived two doors down from me and I was like, damn, because I feel like exposed now. Like, I'm sitting in my garage having my cigarette and I got recognized. And the other night I posted on Tick Tock, there was like this thunderstorm thing. This like thunder warning, whatever, like the tornado, whatever the hell was coming. I was outside on my balcony and my neighbor across from me was outside on his balcony and he recognized me. The interactions with both people were sweet. It was fine. It was like no issue at all. They weren't weird. But it's for someone like me, for people to know where I'm at, that was like my breaking point. I can't deal with being out in public and always being watched. But being home now and neighbors one, two doors down and one directly across from my house, the fact that I can be in my house and if I have my bedroom light on, you know where I'm at in my house, I can't take it. I had a full fucking spiral about it. Like two weeks ago. I lost my fucking mind because I'm like, I can't get like I can't escape where I'm at. Like people knowing where I'm at. I lost my mind. I called my mom, was like, mom, what the fuck do I do? And she's like, I genuinely have no idea. I don't want to tell you. But like we talked and she was there for me. But the fact that like if I'm downstairs and I have the light on, you know I'm downstairs, hit if I'm upstairs and like the one guest room or if I'm in my bedroom or from my bathroom. These people know where I'm at. They know when I'm home. I can't take it. That is one. I can't, I can't think about it too much. It's going to stress me the out. Like they probably can see me right now recording my podcast. Cuz there's a second story window that way and you can see the podcast light. It's like people being able to know what I'm doing and where I'm at. I've been smoking so much more than usual to numb this, like the awareness of people being aware of me, it's eaten me the fuck up. But I don't feel safe in my house no more. It's not safe. It's like I don't feel, not watched, if that makes sense. Yeah, we could sit here and say there's no reason to feel like that. I don't give a fuck. People just knowing where I'm at is geeking me out. And it's like this house, it's the past few months, it's been building slowly and it's like the heat's been getting turned up more and more. And when my neighbors recognize me, this is what sent me into like, okay, another breaking point of like, oh my God. And then it's like I didn't do anything about it. I didn't start wanting to move or like take it serious. I've been wanting to move, but I didn't take it serious. To start really thinking about action steps and like seeing where I want to go. Do I want to keep living in Dallas? Do I want to move? I know I'm not meant to be in Dallas no more. This chapter is over. I can already feel it. But I want to start now, taking the actions. Because these, these things like happening and causing these emotions in Me and like these things unraveling, me not doing nothing about it is making it worse and worse. But like the final breaking point for me, where I would be like, I don't give a flying what it costs, what happens, what anybody says, I don't care. I'm getting out of this goddamn house. As if somebody burglarizes it. So I can see how that is like the next level up. Like if I don't make a move now, my soul's gonna have to turn up the heat to that. So it's very weird to be aware of all of this happening while I'm living it. Because being aware of it don't change it. Still scared, still worried about, still feeling all the emotions. But like just cuz I'm aware of it, it doesn't remove you from it. Like I still got to feel it, go through it and deal with everything going on. It's just nuts. Like I want to talk about it and be honest about it. Cuz I know there's other people out there who get this. Some people are going to think I'm a wacko. Okay, whatever. I've been called worst crazy. Please. It's a half a compliment, but also one more thing. I want to talk about being unavailable with the house situation. Then I got a situation where somebody from the past reached out. But I started to have like this guilt feeling of like letting myself down in a way where all the effort I've kind of put into the house and trying to make myself feel comfortable, I couldn't do it for myself. Like I wasn't able to create the home feeling that I wanted. And the guilt came up and I started to like my old mental. Like I started watching my old mindset come through and it was like everything we've just done for the past year was for nothing. All the money we spent was for nothing. And I'm not available to that no more. I was watching it and then I put it out of my head. I'm not gonna sit here in doom and gloom about how this was a waste of time, waste of money. I. I didn't do what I wanted to do. It was a failure. I don't look at it like that. I'm like, okay, my soul wants the next thing, so I'm just gonna do that. I'm not available to the doubt and the worry and the bullshit of what it means and why it happened. I don't care. The next steps are very clear in front of me. I knew and have known this place was not what I want, but I didn't act on it. So I'm being forced to make a fucking move. And I get that. And I'm not mad at it. I'm kind of relieved because, like I said, when I saw the visual of people breaking in, I felt relieved. I felt so free. Like I could finally just do whatever the I want without any explanation or needing permission or, like, caring about anything. I could really just say it, because me now, to me, just, like, honor myself and, like, go for it and move, change, do whatever. I will be thinking about the financial concern of certain things and, like, having things in mind. But now I'm just kind of like my soul wants to do it. So I have more trust that my soul will provide and, like, help with the whole experience. Because that's one thing I've learned. You're not sent into this life to figure out every single aspect of it alone. You're being supported and you got reinforcement. And this is one of those things where I just gotta, like, trust it and see what the happens. But I'd only be willing fully to see what happens and expect to myself to be taken care of by my soul. If I got robbed, does that make sense? It's like a weird thing, but I'm shortcutting all that because I'm aware of it. But like, now I'm like, okay, I'm going to treat my next action steps as if I got robbed and go forward from there. I just hope I'm here when it happens. So I could kill him. Oh, my God. I need to let it out. You know what I mean? Probably wouldn't kill them. I probably just, like, cut their hand off, keep it in a jar or something. Like, you're not leaving with all your limbs attached to your body. I'm gonna make sure of it and I'm gonna keep it as a memento. But something just feels different this time. Like leaving my house, packing. This feels different. This feels nuts. Like I'm not coming back to this life at all. I can feel it. I trust it this time. I trust it's gonna be all right. I'm gonna make sure it's goddamn all right. But my soul has not steered me wrong once. Another thing I want to talk about with being unavailable to the stress and things. It's like how my soul kind of like moves things around for me. Weird little synchronicity. So the other day my car tires got off balance. I don't know, it's too hot in Dallas. Like, it's like 100 degrees I'm not joking. It's like 90 to 100. But my car tires, it comes up on my sensor, on my car. Oh, your car tires are in ballast. One was like 42, 41, 48, and then like 46. And it was like, you have to get them all back to the normal, like, pressure before we could drive for you. It's like my car would drive, but all the assistive steering, the brake checks to me. Like, everything that it would do for me. Like, kind of like my car drives itself if I set it on cruise control. None of that was available while the tires were imbalanced. So I was like, damn, I'm losing half the benefit of my car. I get bored. I just put on cruise control. It drives to me like, come on. So I was like, all right. It's irritating the out of me. I'm like, I don't want to deal with it right now. And I've been trusting, not forcing things. So I've been talking about that for months now. But I decided one day I was like, you know what? This. I'm going to fill up my tires, okay? I'm getting gas right now. I go get gas, I'm like, the tire pumps right there, let me go air these up and be done with it. You know what I mean? It takes five minutes. So I go over to the air pump. Somebody had snatched the handle off the air pump and ripped the hose. Like, it was fully gone. Just like a little like broken hose at the top. So I was like, okay, cool. Now I'm pissed. I go to another gas station. The other gas station, the machine was broken. So I was like, you know what? This, like, I'm not dealing with it for like five days. I was like, okay, maybe the heat, like, constricted the car tires. Or like, they need to. They'll figure themselves out. You know what I mean? I was like, maybe they'll figure themselves out. They're not losing enough air. Where it's like, oh, a tire. Like a nails in a tire or something. So I'm like, maybe the car will fix itself. I don't know. Hope so. Come on, God, fix yourself. Expensive ass Mercedes. It's got like 4700 miles on it. It's. I'm. It's old. When I got it, I had 13 miles. Now it has like 4700. I've drove through the mud, but, like, you don't got no tie. You don't got enough miles on you yet to be having issues with it. Ti. So anyway, I let it go for like four or five days. And that's when I was finally like this. It's not fixing itself. I'm going to go fill these up. When it didn't work, I literally threw my hands up and was like this. I'm done with these, T. Okay? They just going to have to pop if they want. I don't care. Deflate, go flat. I was pissed, but I was like, okay. I tried to force it and go to two different gas stations. God told me to go myself. So I'm not dealing with it no more. I'm going to trust my soul. You know what? You figure it out. You fixed it. I'm not doing it. I tried to force it. You don't like when I do that. Okay, so you fixed it. So I was like, you know what? I'm not going to another place to get my air tires aired up. I'm not doing it. I'll wait till I feel the urge to do it. The next night, I go to the hookah lounge with my friend, this new friend I was telling you guys about. But he's the guy. He's great. But we're leaving. We go to get in our cars, and the message came up on the display when I started my car, and I was like, God damn it. I was like, I'm gonna have a cigarette. So we're standing there talking. He was like, what? And I was like, the car, the tires, like, the pressure's up. I tried to go the other day to the little, like, gas. I should think the air them up. It didn't work. Whatever. I told him my little spiel. He was like, oh, my God, I have an air compressor thing in my car. He was like, let me see if it works. And I was like, what? You just be riding around with a, like, air pump in your car? Okay. So he pulls it out. It works. He filled up all my tires for me. I didn't have to do nothing. I sat there and had a cigarette. Oh, this is nice. People being there for you, doing things for you. Wow. I bought him dinner and a hookah and I got my tires filled up. That's the weird little magical shit that happens when I pay attention to my soul. I have another one with the hookah lounge. I love the hookah lounge. But that little situation, just letting it go, it fixes itself because it took me nothing. Because I was considering in my head, I was like, maybe I just go to the Mercedes dealership and tell them there I'm not dealing with this car. You put the air in the tires. Okay, I was gonna do that. And I was like, no, I'm gonna wait till the urge. I had the idea to do it. And then I was like, I'm gonna wait till the urge comes. That night is when my friend did it for me. So everything's back to normal. Back peachy cane. Everything's fine with the car tires dying. Other thing that happened is I've been needing a tailor to alter some clothes for me. My sister's been needing one too. And I was like, I don't feel like looking for one. I don't feel like dealing with the whole Google and all that. I was like, I'm not doing it. Okay, I need a tailor, but I'm not putting no effort into finding. Went a couple days go by, I forget about it. I put it out of my head. I'm like, whatever. I'll wait till the urge comes up. I'm sitting at the hookah lounge with my friend. This guy comes up to me out of nowhere. Hey. I just wanted to introduce myself. I've seen you online. I think you're great. I own a alteration shop. If you ever need something altered, here's my card. Come by. He specializes in designer clothes and stuff, too. So I'm like, if I know I have some designer stuff, I'm like, you can cut that up. And I know you go with it, but you could definitely cut up some normal that I got. So I'm like, cool. Easy peasy limits. Crazy. Didn't have to do nothing. And he covered our bill. I was like, no, you don't gotta do that. Thank you. So bad. Almost sent my friend to the bathroom with him. I'm gonna go take care of him. He paid our bill? No, but it's crazy the way things just line up. Like, how many times am I gonna need to be proven to trust my soul before I just fucking trust it? Okay. You don't gotta send nobody to steal from me, rob my house. Okay, I'll listen to you. Where you want to go, what do you want to do? You want to go to Vegas, but what do you want to do after that? I'm talking to myself right now. Don't buy me. But I don't know what I want to do after Vegas. So I'm just going to feel it out. When I get home, I'll know. But I know moves will be made quickly. So I'm going let my soul take the reins. I'm getting good at listening to it. Real good. It'd be telling me Weird. But also one more thing I want to talk about with the whole thing about being unavailable to distress. You can see it in kind of all these scenarios where I'm talking about like, the tires, the stress of it. I'm not available to it. I'm gonna deal with it when I feel the urge to do it or when something like. And it lines itself up with the tailor. I'm not available to the stress of it with the house. I'm not available to the stress and the worry and the fear. I'm letting it just be a guided through me, like what to do. I'm not reacting because of emotions. I'm not none of that. But another example. Someone reach out to me from the past. Someone who I never got closure with. We ain't talked in like a year. Some weird shit happened with another friend of mine. Whatever. We ain't talked. But he reached out to me on Instagram and was real nice and sent me a message that was like, sweet. And I literally watched my old mindset kick in like how I used to be. I would have responded out of guilt. The fact that I opened the DM on Instagram and it said scene like that. I saw his message and he knew that I saw it and didn't reply. It would have eaten me up. I would have felt guilty about it. Because when it's people that I've cared about and I've been close with, like, very good friends with when they. It's a weird, like, loyalty I always have and it's like I always care. Take how they feel. Not no more. I'll respond when I goddamn feel like it. I'm not available to the guilt of replying to you. I'm not available to the guilt of you're gonna be upset because you see that I read it and you're gonna think that I'm ignoring you. If you think that, you think that I don't give a. I'm not available to that no more. And I also am not available to the stress of overthinking and thinking I owe you shit. No. So I left it. I saw the message at like midnight the next day. I woke up. I didn't really think about it. And then at like 2:00pm, I was like, huh. I don't know why I'm thinking about that. I made me uncomfortable the night before when I saw it, but I was like, whatever, put it out of my head. And then I started thinking about it more and I was kind of like, I don't know why it makes me Feel uncomfortable, but I'm not replying just because I'm uncomfortable. I'm gonna sit here and figure out what it is I owe that to myself. I'm not taking an action. I'm not available to taking actions out of no more. So I was like, why would I want to reply? Do I want to say anything? And I kind of did. I wanted to acknowledge that there's no hard feelings from my end and just clear that up. But I was like, okay, I don't feel like I owe him nothing. I replied because I wanted to. And then I didn't reply again. Now it's on scene. Everything else is on scene. I closed the chapter on my own terms. I replied when I wanted to reply. I'm not available to the no more. And what I replied after I sat there and blew it off and let it come back to me and like me take the action, like reply out of my own terms. What I said was way better than what I would have replied in the beginning. It's like I was watching my old mindset play out and I'm like, no, I'm not like that no more. Ew, that's old Leo. Not happening. I killed them. One more thing I want to throw in before I end this and go to bed. Damn. 2:52 in the morning, I got a flight to get on. Something that was bothering me the other day was thinking that I wasn't doing enough and I wasn't like pushing and like working out as hard and like just I skipped the gym for two days. And then there's certain things I just wasn't doing. I was kind of like taking time and resting. And that's one more thing I started to become unavailable to is the sense of if I'm not wringing myself dry, I start to worry. My soul all of a sudden just wants to shut up. So that's all I got for this week. Love you all so bad for this week's emoji. I forgot to do one last week. If you made it this far, comment. A little casino emoji. That's cute. I'm going to Vegas and I'm not gambling. I lost too much money on my birthday. I'm not gambling again. No, not happening. Unless they give me free money to play with. Okay, maybe. But I'm not gambling none of my money. I'll go spend it on something, actually get something for it. Ah, but that's it. I'll be posting everything I'm up to, everything I'm doing on my social media. I'm recording this on Wednesday. I'm early as hell this week, so everything will be unfolding before you hear this. But if my house gets broken into, I called it. I just want that on record. It's Thursday, June 26th. I do not want my house to get broken into. But if my soul wants to have it happen, I called it. My premonition was right. Is my buckle point. All right, so that's it. Love you all so bad. Everybody be safe. Take care of yourself. I'll talk to you guys next Sunday. And Merch is coming next week.