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At Amica Insurance, we know it's not just about where you're going, but who you go with. That's why we work even harder to protect what matters most. And as a mutual insurance company, we're built for our customers and prioritize your needs. Amica empathy is our best policy. Visit amica.com and get a quote. Today, when I scraped my car in that parking garage, I was worried that it could be a long process to take care of it. Like a landscaper's first day trimming a hedge maze. I have definitely already been here. Now, was it left, right, or right left? Well, maybe I'll cut a path out and find my way back later. But it wasn't like that. I filed a claim in under two minutes on the Geico app, and they handled it from there. It was taken care of almost as quickly as it happened. It feels good to get help quick. It feels good to Geico. This feels very weird. Like, everything feels weird right now. But, like, hey, friends, haven't seen you in a minute. Haven't been posting. I've been in a grief period pretty strong, and I didn't plan on making an episode. I've just kind of been, like, boycotting my social media. Like, I'm not posting nothing until I figure out what's going on with myself. I'm not doing. But I just went to the gym, and when I left the gym, I went to the store real quick, and I ran into this guy, and he recognized me from social media saying that he found my podcast, like, six months ago, and he's been wanting to make a podcast, and he's, like, asking me for advice, how should I start posting? If you see this, hey, you just help me get back on track. But he was basically asking me how to get over the fear and, like, the worry of what other people are gonna think. And, like, he has all these ideas for a podcast, and he talks to all his friends and everybody about it, and they want to hear what he has to say, but he just can't get himself to do it. And so I told him, speak from what feels uncomfortable to keep inside of you. Like, if you found out he was going to die tomorrow, what would you regret not putting out through a video or through a podcast? Like, what is that talk from that. Have that conversation and post that. Because when you go to post it and when you're talking about things, you're overriding the whole, like, fear of judgment. It's just like, yeah, this is something I wanted to be out in the Ether or whatever. So I'm taking my own advice right now because I. I've been going through a grief period of myself. I'm able to grieve things very, very quickly. Like, drop of a hat. Like, I can shit and get. Like, I can grieve anything going on pretty fast. But when it comes to grieving myself, I'm like a turtle. I'm very slow at that. Like, it's not fun. So if you've been listening to my past couple episodes, you know, I've been going through a bunch of. This is what I want to put out in this episode, that I just want out. Because in the last episode, I talked about getting your nervous system kind of like readjusted and recalibrated a little bit and getting back into controlling your focus and controlling your brain. Like, having your brain back after you go through some. Right. So the thing with the nervous system, like, once you get it calmed down, things come up that you need to see. And. And for me, I've been in this period of, like, I see kind of things for what they are, and so much has happened so fast. I'm like, okay, I've grieved certain people in my life. Relationships, friendships, the people closest to me, I've had to grieve. Then they've come back into my life. Crazy thing I've had to grieve. My. What I think I'm doing with my life, my career, my ideas for shit, what I've been working on for the past year, all of that got dead, stopped, halted. Like, I've had to grieve so many people, so many things. My grandmother actually did pass away. I had to grieve her. Like, I survived everything. I've rebuilt. I've been kind of going through the motions doing my. But I've had this lingering feeling and, like, this pressure in my mind of I just need to get back to how I was mentally and emotionally a year ago. All I need to do is just get back to posting online. I need to get back to being happy so I can post like I used to. I had this constant feeling of I just need to get back to me. And it wasn't fun. It hasn't been fun living like that. Because every single time I would do something and I wouldn't be happy again or I couldn't, like, feel joy like I used to. I feel like this block where I can't access joy and I can't access hope. That's how I was feeling. Like, I can't be hopeful for shit like, my ability to be hopeful has been beat out of me by the experiences that I've been through in the past year with all the different people, all the different scenarios and all the different shit. Even with God, my whole relationship to God, I don't see him the same. I'm never going to see him the same. I kept feeling like I just need to get back. I need to get back. The reality is there's nothing to get back to because who I was before is gone. Once you experience certain things in this life, there is no go back. An example of this is for, like a woman, if she goes out in public and one night she gets molested and like, held down. I can't use the graphic words I want to use. But like, if a girl goes out and gets held up against the wall in a back alley and get taken advantage of, she's gone. Who she was before that happened is dead. She's gone. She's never going to be able to walk around life feeling safe again because she's just experienced the true danger of that's there. It's like how you carefree. It's like you go and running around life, you go drink, you're out of the bar, you have fun. And then if something happens to her, there's. The reality is there's no getting back to who she was before that. It's kind of like me with all the I went through years and years ago when I first started my podcast with the ex that I had that pulled me through court and I saw how actually corrupt the justice system is. You lose a sense of safety in this life and there's no get back to who you were before that. Same thing with a girl who gets taken advantage of and molested. She's not going to be able to get back to her sense of safety in the world, sense of peace, sense of happy, sense of joy after that has happened to her. So she's gone. And that's the way that I've had to kind of see it with myself, with the past year of my life, how things have gone. There's no get back to who I was. I've seen too much, I've experienced too much. And changes you. You grief is meant to change people. It's meant to change you. And it changed me. I'm just in an uncomfortable spot right now because I don't know what it's changing me into. I'm not sure how to access joy how I did before. I don't know how to feel happy and feel Safe in this life how I did before. A lot of shit's happened. I haven't talked about most of it on social media, but a lot's gone on and I thought, I've been handling it. I have been like, I've been doing what I need to do. I've been rebuilding and surviving all this shit. But it's like now I'm having to tend to myself and literally grieve who I was and face that there's no getting back to how I was because I don't know how to feel joy no more. I don't know how to feel safe in this life. I don't know how to feel inspired and trust that it's very destabilizing. And it's like now that I finally have realized what it is that I need to do and how I need to approach myself, I feel so much relief. Like I don't feel like I have to get back to something. And every time I try and be happy, I don't feel like I've failed. I don't feel like life has as against me as I have been feeling. Until I realize, hey, this is grief you need to face. You need to face yourself and like, let him go. And the way that I saw life has to go. The. The only way I knew how to access joy and hope and all these things is to be delusional. It's like there's a little bit of delusion that you had to have for me to like, be how I was. It's like the last little bit of innocence that I had didn't make it out unscathed. I feel like it's gone. You know, there's no. I don't know how to feel hope. I don't know how to look into the future and feel hopeful. It's like that that is gone. I'm. I don't have that. I can't feel the feeling or the sensation of hope. It's not that I'm depressed, it's not that I'm like hopeless. It's just I can't feel hope and I can't feel joy without feeling stressed the out because I was so happy and I was living life in a certain way where it's like I was happy, I was joyful, I was hopeful, I was doing so much for everybody and fun with my life and it all came crashing the down. So there's this feeling signature in me made now with like, happiness comes with a threat. Like feeling joy is unsafety because when I felt joy before I. My guard would come down a little bit. And I do not know now, after experiencing all the. That I have how to feel joy without feeling like my guard is down. I can't have my guard up and feel joy. Because to feel joy, you have to be open to life. I can't do that no more. Okay? That's just the reality of it. And it makes me a little bit irritated. Like, I'm a little annoyed with it. I have a full aversion to happiness. I have an aversion to joy. I have an aversion to hope. Because I don't know if I see that as responsible for me having the happen that's happened. It's like, I was too naive, I was stupid. The things that I was doing, how good I was being to certain people. Like, no, you need to have a little more discernment than that. You need to stop being so nice. Idiot. Like, what was I doing? Like, I was so not careless, but, like, I felt protected when I felt joy. I felt protected when I felt in alignment. I felt protected when I felt hopeful. Now I feel like hell. No, I feel like I'm vulnerable when I feel these things now. So that's what I've been in. Yeah, that's what I've been dealing with is grief of how I used to see life. And I cannot see life like that anymore because of what I've experienced and how things have gone. It's like the way that I see life itself, the way that I see the universe, the way that I see God is totally different. I've had to mourn. My views on how I think so many things go. And I'm. It's kind of, like, scary because it's like, was I only able to be as happy as I was because I was so fucking naive or what? I'm kind of processing this with you as I'm going. But that's the whole grief thing, like grieving yourself. It's very destabilizing, very uncomfortable. But I feel so free at the same time because I've let myself off the hook of, like, you don't have to get back to nothing. Like, a new Leo is coming. Like, I'm being turned into a new version of myself. And I'm just like, I don't like who he is so far because he's cynical. And it's like, I don't want to turn into someone who's got, like, hurt so many times that, like, you turn. But it's like, I've turned. Life has turned me into watch out for your own ass and everybody can eat. Like, that's how I feel right now, to be honest. And I don't like that. I feel like that I feel very shut down to life when I want to be the opposite. But like, to be the opposite means you have to be naive. And I've experienced too much to go back to having any kind of benefit of the doubt for anyone, you know. Also, my relationship to everything is like being called into question. I'm not looking at this like a bad thing because like I said, grief is meant to change you. I just don't know what it's changing me into yet. It's stressing me out. None of my style has changed. Luckily, I still like the black and the gold only I still like that. But it's like after you get out of a really bad breakup and you have no fucking clue who you are, that's kind of how I feel right now. Like, I'm having to reassess all of my relationships to everything. Like my relationship to going to the gym and looking a certain way, my relationship to why I work out and all that's changing. My relationship to money, my relationship to God, my relationship to my emotions, my relationship to everything is up in the air. It's like not it's up in the air, but it's all being brought into question. And I'm just like, okay, great. Again. Like, I don't know how else to describe it. Like, it makes me irritated. And it's been a healing thing to like, be able to finally label it. Like, what it is, is. I've grieved everybody. I've cried my tears. I don't shed tears for other people a lot, usually ever. I keep my. You only get so many tears in this life. I'm not wasting them on pieces of. But I am wasting them for myself. I've grieved and cried for the couple little things I've needed to cry for. But now it's like the only thing left to grieve is me. And I feel like on the right path, if that makes sense. Because there's this peace that's hit me that I don't know what the fuck is going on. It's kind of nice. It's like this weird. Like, okay, yeah. All the ways that I thought life went and how I thought life was going. I'm questioning everything. And I'm not questioning life anymore. I'm questioning me more than I'm questioning life. It's been very peaceful because I've stopped Looking for certainty. It ain't doing nothing for me. It doesn't do nothing for me. Because nothing in this life is certain. Yeah, but also there's a lot of people who have had a lot worse than me in this life. So yeah, I've worked my ass off to be where I am, but I've been extremely lucky. So the piece I feel now is because I'm trying to understand myself. Like the example I gave with the girl being taken advantage of. We all know the word that I want to use, but I will get banned. It's not that people who have gone through that will never be able to feel safe again or be able to feel happy again. That doesn't go away. It's just the way that you saw life before is different. It's shifted with me. All the things that I see different now. I see a disconnect in happiness, hope, joy, trusting, inspiration when I feel it and balancing the new awareness that I have. It's like I feel like they can't exist together. It's just the way that I knew how to feel those things and the way that I have been operating needs refinement. So I feel like a little bit of relief in this state of grief because I'm questioning every single thing about myself for a deeper understanding and how I can still feel these emotions that I want to feel and feel happy and feel good in life even with the new awareness that I have happens to all of us. And I'm not for being a victim to your circumstances. It's like at a certain point you got to take control of what you turn into. So I'm not going to make anything about how I treat people be the problem. Like how I treat people, how I want to be treated. I'm not making that responsible for the negative that happens in my life. People that do bad are just bad people and that's their own. Their own things they got to sort out with their own God when they die. I'm going be laughing at you. But I feel very at peace cuz I don't know what the is going on no more. I have no set way of how I'm trying to live my life. I have no set fixed thing in my brain of how things go. I'm open to understanding it. I'm open to understanding myself and seeing what happens. I'm not going to be in this state forever. It just feels very uncertain and like I'm questioning things but I feel like I'm meant to because remember how I said my innocence didn't make it. It died. Your innocence might not make it with you your entire life, but your essence does. Your essence will always leave situations with you unscathed. And that's what I'm getting a new access to and, like, understanding of with my soul and like my essence of who I am that can never be changed by anything that happens. It's an expression. It's just a different way that it's going to express itself. But your soul is your soul. Nothing could take that. Nothing could hurt that. So, yeah, I'm just kind of very like, all right, let's see what the hell's going to happen. I do feel a little bit happier in life, but it's just because I'm more like willing to participate in my life. Like, I'm willing to be alive, if that makes sense. I'm not trying to get back to anything. I'm not trying to run toward anything. I'm just sitting here for a while and just seeing what I see. Literally, like, sometimes I just sit in silence or I'll sit outside and just like sit there. And I've slowed down a lot and it's nice and I'm learning so much every day. But the other thing is I'm questioning why I do anything that I do. And I'm trying to see if this refinement, period, that's what I'm calling it. It's like I'm looking at this as a purification of myself and how to express and go through life in a more authentic way and a more aligned way. So, like, with social media, it feels like an absolute obligation. So I haven't been posting. I went on vacation with my family like two weeks ago, and then I came back home. I was fulfilling orders. Everybody that's putting in orders for stuff, I'm still at the warehouse doing that. I'm still working, doing my thing, even while I'm in my little grief period. But I'm questioning with social media, like, I don't know why I'm doing it. I hate it. Let me, let me watch what I say. I don't hate it, but it does feel like an obligation and I hate obligation. So I'm sitting with myself to figure out if there's a place for social media in my life or do I want to quit, Do I want to stop posting videos? I think I'm always going to continue with the podcast. I love the podcast, but the TikToks and like the Instagram and like the little like day to day shit that I make, I'm like, I don't know right now I don't know if I want to quit or I don't know if I want to like refine my perspective on it. I'm just kind of waiting for the clarity to hit me and see if it has any place in my life with how I see things now. Because a lot of the hope of how things could go came from absolute like craziness of how well my social media did, like the virality and all of that. There was so much hope that came out of the excitement of that and hope that things could go right. But nothing life changing really came out of it. No golden opportunity, nothing saved me, nothing like helped in a lot of ways it made a lot more problems and it put me in the eyes and in the crosshairs of a lot of people who couldn't make for themselves. Because when people can't make it themselves but they want it, all they have left to do is take it. That's their only other option to get is to take it from people who can make it themselves. So I got a lot of resentment for that. I don't want to be seen right now. There's no undo it. There's no undo fame once you get it. So you could tell I'm irritated by that. Like the thought of this. It's like I have a lot to sort out with myself, why I even want to post if I want to post. And a more realistic approach for myself of treat this like a video game. I'm over it. Like, I'm over the stress of it, I'm over the obligation of it. I'm like, I don't live my life like that. And that's one thing that I'm very, very proud of. And the one thing that I have in my life is my values and my morals and the way that I operate in life. I don't care who, what, when, where, why, how. If I'm getting over, I'm out. I will leave. I will leave whoever, whatever, whatever amount of money I have to, I will get myself out of that situation. If I gotta cut my own arm off to get away from you and throw it at you, get off me. Like, let go. I will, I will take it my own arm off to make sure you have nothing to hold on to to hold me back. You know what I mean? And I see how my morals and my character has saved me from a lot of. Because I've gotten out of everything that I needed to that started and actually was awful from the start. So I'm happy that I have that about myself. A lot of the times I look at my character like it's such a goddamn inconvenience, but I'm not able to be controlled. And as soon as I'm disrespected, I'm out. I don't care the cost. I will pay it in full. I pay a little extra, too, to get the fuck out of my life. Yeah, that's one thing that's not going to change about me. I like that, and I'm going to keep that. But I'm also the same way where if something's an obligation and I don't actually want to do it, I won't. So I'm like, I have to be careful right now while I'm exploring things. That's why I'm not saying I'm quitting social media. I'm trying to see if it still has a place in my life because I will just snatch myself away from anything that I don't want to do anymore. Like, as soon as something's, like, not right or if something ain't working, I'm changing it. So I'm trying not to jump the gun, but I'll keep you posted. We'll see on that. Trying to think. Is there anything else I wanted to talk about? Not really. I'm just kind of enjoying, like, being peaceful. Like, I'm just enjoying quiet time, like alone time and not like the, oh, my God, the pressure of I have to do something or I have to do this or do that. It's like I said, I'm not looking back. I'm not trying to run back to something. I'm not trying to run towards something. I'm just kind of here enjoying this, understanding myself for a minute because what the. I definitely got changed, but I'm going see who I turn into. I don't know. It's just. I think mostly the things I got to change is my relationships to everything. Like, the way that I see things. But I think that I can feel joy. I feel happy sometimes. Like in this past couple of days, couple of weeks. But, yeah, I'm not living off blind hope no more. And I'm not letting people in my life like I used to. Absolutely not. I'm not being so nice. I'm not being so trusting. I'm not being so helpful and, like, so forward with shit. Like I need to. I do have to be reserved. I do have to protect myself a lot more. But I'm trying to find a balance between protecting myself and shutting myself off from the world, you know, because right now I flipped my. I flipped my little switch. I'm back onto the world a little bit, dipping my toes into whitey, doing things, experiencing things, hanging out with people in my family. I'm prioritizing connection a lot right now and it's nice, but yeah, just kind of figuring it out as it goes. Not sure what this episode was for. That's all I got for this week. Everybody be safe, take care of yourself, and I'll probably be back next Sunday. Don't hold me to it. When I scraped my car in that parking garage, I was worried that it could be a long process to take care of it. Like a landscaper's first day trimming a hedge maze. I have definitely already been here. Now, was it left right or right left? Well, maybe I'll cut a path out and find my way back later. But it wasn't like that. I filed a claim in under two minutes on the Geico apparently and they handled it from there. It was taken care of almost as quickly as it happened. It feels good to get help quick. It feels good to Geico Pros save more on what you need to get the job done right Right now at Lowe's, get 15% off select custom entry and interior doors. Plus save $80 on the DeWalt 20 volt max 2 tool combo kit. Now just $169. And at the Lowes Pro desk, bring us your materials list and get a quote in minutes. Handwritten, a photo or even a sticky note is all you need. Keep your jobs moving faster and on budget at Lowe's. Valid through 78 while supplies last selection varies by location. Most of the time La Playa sounds like this. For some, La Playa also sounds like this. But no matter what, this is our Playa Corona. La Playa awaits. Relax responsibly. Corona Extra Beer imported by Crown Import, Chicago, Illinois.