Bobby's Baby Powder

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Bobby's Baby Powder" – Bad Friends Episode

Release Date: February 3, 2025
Hosts: Bobby Lee & Andrew Santino

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Introduction

In the latest episode of Bad Friends, titled "Bobby's Baby Powder," hosts Bobby Lee and Andrew Santino dive deep into a myriad of topics, blending their signature humor with candid conversations. From dissecting Sesame Street's diversity to grappling with personal anecdotes about friendships and daily life challenges, this episode is a rollercoaster of laughs and relatable moments.

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Sesame Street Muppets: A Candid Breakdown

00:57 – 10:17

The episode kicks off with Bobby and Andrew discussing the recent addition of T.J., the first Filipino American Muppet on Sesame Street. Their conversation takes a humorous turn as they debate the ethnic backgrounds of classic Muppets like Bert, Cookie Monster, and Grover.

• Andrew Santino (02:01): "Ernie is 100. He's Puerto Rican. Ernie is obviously Puerto Rican."
• Bobby Lee (03:19): "Grover? He's autistic."

Their playful banter continues as they attempt to identify the races of other Muppets, leading to a satirical skit about writing a Sesame Street-style song focused solely on vegetables.

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The Quest to Write a Sesame Street Vegetable Song

10:17 – 20:16

Inspired by their discussion, Bobby and Andrew embark on a comedic challenge to create a children's song about vegetables. Despite their best efforts, the duo struggles to come up with coherent lyrics, resulting in humorous exchanges about baby powder and playful insults.

• Andrew Santino (07:44): "We need to write a song about vegetables now."
• Bobby Lee (09:12): "But they're not illegal. They're here totally legally."

The segment highlights their chemistry and ability to turn a simple task into an entertaining fiasco.

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Exploring Larchmont Lane: Local Spots and Shenanigans

20:16 – 37:07

Bobby and Andrew shift gears to discuss the vibrant neighborhood of Larchmont Lane in Los Angeles. They rate various local businesses, including ice cream shops like Salt and Straw, Aesop for lotions, and Tail Waggers for pet supplies.

• Andrew Santino (26:19): "Salt and Straw gets a three out of five."
• Bobby Lee (27:36): "Any Aesop store gets five out of five."

Their exploration takes a humorous turn as they reminisce about past visits and share exaggerated stories about parking woes and neighborhood changes.

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Parking Woes and Inventions: Tackling LA's Parking Problems

37:07 – 49:22

The conversation delves into the infamous parking challenges in Los Angeles. Both hosts share their frustrations with parking meters and towing, leading to a lighthearted discussion about inventing an "unclippable lock" to prevent cars from being towed.

• Andrew Santino (48:53): "But they flatbed you. Then they can get you."
• Bobby Lee (49:14): "Just locking it won't help."

Their inventive banter underscores the everyday struggles of navigating LA's parking landscape.

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Reflections on David Lynch and Jack Nance's Legacy

49:22 – 58:09

The hosts transition to a more reflective mood, discussing the impact of filmmaker David Lynch and the tragic death of actor Jack Nance. They analyze Lynch's unique storytelling style and the enigmatic nature of his work, while also recounting the circumstances surrounding Nance's untimely passing.

• Andrew Santino (54:38): "Some people like Lynch because they understand his intricate stories."
• Bobby Lee (57:05): "Jack Nance's death is so sad."

This segment offers listeners a deeper insight into the hosts' appreciation for cinema and the arts.

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Personal Anecdotes: Alcohol, Arthritis, and High School Memories

58:09 – 65:24

Bobby and Andrew share personal stories, touching on topics like alcohol consumption, arthritis, and awkward high school moments. Their heartfelt yet humorous narratives provide a glimpse into their vulnerabilities and the bonds of their friendship.

• Andrew Santino (59:57): "I've never pooped without coffee in over 20 years."
• Bobby Lee (60:07): "I have arthritis. This hurts."

The duo's candidness fosters a relatable and engaging atmosphere, resonating with listeners who appreciate their authenticity.

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Notable Quotes

• Andrew Santino (07:44): "We need to write a song about vegetables now."
• Bobby Lee (48:53): "There's got to be a place underneath that car where you can stick a lock."
• Andrew Santino (54:20): "Life was about making art, drinking coffee, smoking cigarettes."

---

Conclusion

"Bobby's Baby Powder" is a testament to the dynamic chemistry between Bobby Lee and Andrew Santino. Through a blend of humor, introspection, and spontaneous skits, they navigate a range of topics that entertain and engage their audience. Whether they're critiquing Muppet diversity or sharing personal life stories, the episode underscores the essence of Bad Friends: friendship, laughter, and the ability to find humor in the mundane.

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For more episodes and updates, follow Bad Friends on their Instagram, Patreon, TikTok, and visit their website.

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

Hey, guys. You guys love loved ones.

[A]

Loving loved ones is important.

[B]

And Valentine's good.

[A]

Valentine's Day is next week, and I'll be in Boston if you're not there. Four shows at the.

[B]

At the big Wilbur Wilbur Theater.

[A]

They're doing four shows.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Bring your loved ones.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Come out, Boston. Come see me February 14th and 15th, and then the week after that in Minneapolis, Minnesota. I'm doing four shows. I'm filming my special. Please come out and see it. My Hulu Special will be taped in the beloved Minneapolis, Minnesota. Go to andrew santino.com for those tickets. Andrew santino.com. you two are bad friends.

[B]

Who are these two?

[A]

Idio.

[B]

White dude and an Asian dude. You two are disgusting. You two are something. We're bad friends.

[A]

Oh, look at this. This is great news. Sesame street welcomes tj, the first Filipino American Muppet. Finally.

[B]

Finally. Dude.

[A]

Dude. Finally. Finally. Dude.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What do the comments say? Anything rude?

[B]

We made it.

[A]

We made it.

[B]

He's studying to be a nurse, right? Somebody said that. Yeah. That's so really funny.

[A]

Sesame street welcomes first nurse. Nurse. Puppet.

[B]

Here's what I don't get. And can I ask you a question?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

About Sesame Street?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Is there a Chinese one?

[A]

Yep.

[B]

What, Elmo?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

No, Elmo.

[A]

Chinese.

[B]

Elmo. Chinese.

[A]

Who, me?

[B]

I Chinese.

[A]

I'm Chinese. Yeah. You know, look, I can tell you what, everybody is just based on it.

[B]

Oh, yeah. Yeah. All right, let's. Okay, let's go.

[A]

That's Ernie, right?

[B]

That's. Yeah. That's. No specific.

[A]

Ernie is 100. He's Puerto Rican. Ernie is obviously Puerto Rico.

[B]

Yeah. Ernie. Ernie. Okay. All right.

[A]

Oh, is this the first.

[B]

Which one's the Muppet? Which one's the Muppet? Her name is Ji Young.

[A]

That. That is not an Asian Muppet.

[B]

That's an Asian. That's not on the show. On the show.

[A]

That is on the show.

[B]

That is on the show.

[A]

But also, that's not Young. That's not an Asian.

[B]

He's Korean. She's Korean.

[A]

That girl looks Spanish. That looks like A Spanish Muppet.

[B]

Yeah. They didn't want to, you know. You know what it is? You know, Jim Henson's, you know, factory, wherever.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know, the eye drawer. You got to go back to the eye drawer. You know the drawer they use.

[A]

There's our dog.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

There we are.

[B]

Here we go. This is the Og.

[A]

There's the OG Crew.

[B]

Okay, so let's see. First up.

[A]

First up is Bert.

[B]

What's Bert?

[A]

Bert. Bert. Bert's gay.

[B]

Yeah, I know Bert's gay, but what? He. He looks Eastern European.

[A]

He's Slovaki.

[B]

Slovak.

[A]

Slakian. Yeah, yeah, I agree. The eyebrows. And then what about Cookie Monster?

[B]

Cookie Monster is Armenian. He is, is he not? Yeah.

[A]

Bro, bro, eat your cookie. Yeah.

[B]

Ar. Medium. For sure.

[A]

He drives a white Mercedes. What about Grover, down in the left hand corner? Who's.

[B]

I've never. Wait, let me think about Grover. Yeah, yeah. Autism.

[A]

Yes, he's autistic.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Autism.

[B]

Right. What. But what's his nationality?

[A]

What is. Well, no, no. What's his race?

[B]

Race? I mean. Yeah.

[A]

What is Grover's race? We think. I. I would imagine Spanish fancy.

[B]

Exactly, dude. Exactly. That's what they like. When they colonized, there was a million of those.

[A]

We're going to take a. Your country.

[B]

Imagine on the beach.

[A]

Colonizer.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Go back to the original picture.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

This is the most interesting one that I want your advice on because I know you're intelligent and the way that you operate is so astute. You can always call it out. I want to see the picture of the crew, okay. Of all the crew. The original Muppet Gang.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I gotta tell you.

[B]

Okay, here we go.

[A]

Who is. Well, he's not even in this. Going to say Big Bird. What is Big Bird?

[B]

Big Bird.

[A]

What is Big Bird?

[B]

Big Bird's a bird.

[A]

No, dude. What?

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Race. Is Big Bird. I think he might be black. Or is it a guy? Big Bird.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

Who knows, right? They kind of keep it. Okay. Oh, what about Grover? We did Grover, not Grover.

[B]

What's the. What's the brown guy? The dog to the. Fuzzy.

[A]

Fuzzy. Fozzie.

[B]

Not. Not the right. To the left.

[A]

Oh, oh, the dog is. What is his name? Dude. Yeah, right there. Ralph. Ralph.

[B]

Ralph.

[A]

Yeah. Ralph.

[B]

I mean, we know what Ralph is. We don't even know what. We don't even need to know what he.

[A]

Go ahead, man.

[B]

No, you go ahead.

[A]

No, you go ahead, man.

[B]

I don't know. I'm confused.

[A]

I don't know. I'm lost. You said you know what it is.

[B]

I mean, he looks like an adopted.

[A]

Black kid by a white family.

[B]

Yeah, that white family. Look at the way he's doing his hair now. He wants to fit into the family, right? So he got him. It got straightened.

[A]

That's not fair. Yeah, you're right.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Go back.

[B]

Look at him.

[A]

What about Fozzie Bear? See, Fozzie plays jazz.

[B]

Yeah. Fo is dope.

[A]

He's cool as he's black.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And what's the woman. What about Miss Piggy?

[B]

Oh. Oh.

[A]

I mean, who is Miss Piggy? You think. What race would Miss Piggy be?

[B]

I mean, if you were to talk about anyone trans. That's. I think Miss Piggy.

[A]

Miss Piggy's trans.

[B]

It's got to be trans.

[A]

You think so?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. And so Kermit.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. Kermit. Kermit doesn't have.

[A]

He's, like, asexual, I think he is an A. Yeah. He's an incel. Honestly, dude. The mind of a man to come up with a world of Muppets.

[B]

It is another thing, the mind of the people that. How do you write a kid a song for Sesame Street?

[A]

You and I can do one right now.

[B]

No, you can't.

[A]

Yeah, we can.

[B]

Mathematics twice.

[A]

You're already on it.

[B]

That's a lot. That's the number two.

[A]

Press the record, right?

[B]

Yeah, yeah. Mathematics three times.

[A]

Right?

[B]

That's the number three.

[A]

Okay, how about this?

[B]

There you go.

[A]

Ready?

[B]

Yeah. I want it. I'm. I'm a producer and you're a writer.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Listen, dude, we need to write a song. Kids don't know about. Vegetables, dude.

[A]

That's right. That's right.

[B]

That writer, like, being confused and kind of scared is funny.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

And we need pronto, dude. So we. All the vegetables, as many vegetables as you can, and no fruits. Got that, writer?

[A]

Got it.

[B]

You got it?

[A]

Yeah, got it.

[B]

We need. In 20.

[A]

20 days.

[B]

Minutes.

[A]

Minutes.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You need it right now?

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, we do.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And you're that little Asian writer that. You have that. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Or Mr. Li.

[B]

Mr. Lili.

[A]

He's my assistant.

[B]

Your assistant? Can you. Maybe he can help.

[A]

Fine. Yeah. I have to get him off. He's at sense store right now, working. But I can.

[B]

Okay. Yeah, yeah. What?

[A]

What is it?

[B]

We have a. We have a line at that.

[A]

I know, dude. They can wait.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

I got something way more important.

[B]

What is it?

[A]

We need to write a song about vegetables now.

[B]

You need to.

[A]

We need to.

[B]

You don't pay me.

[A]

You owe me. John, you never made me the Scent.

[B]

Oh, that's right.

[A]

That's right. All right, so make it up.

[B]

Right. What is it about vegetables? The celery, asparagus and spinach. Down your hatch.

[A]

Broccoli. Broccoli. Broccoli.

[B]

Stop, stop. Stop. Stop for a second.

[A]

Broccoli.

[B]

Stop, stop. What if we just do one vegetable, like, per phrase?

[A]

Well, dude, I'm trying to be the.

[B]

It'll be the longest song. Potato. Is it a fruit or a vegetable?

[A]

Mushrooms. Mushrooms.

[B]

Stop.

[A]

Mush. What? We're two different kinds of artists.

[B]

Dude, do you have the song? We're ready to go.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, we're ready. Bye. Lie. Yeah.

[A]

Okay, here we go. You ready, sir?

[B]

Well, we. We're going to play it live on the show.

[A]

What?

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Great.

[B]

Yeah. And what. What Muppet are we going to use for this?

[A]

Please say Big Bird. Please say big.

[B]

The new one.

[A]

Oh, oh, the Puerto Rican one.

[B]

Yeah, The Puerto Rican one. Yeah. The Filipino. The Filipino. Pongo.

[A]

Pongo.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay. Hi, Pongo.

[B]

Do you have the song for me, Pongo?

[A]

Do you know your vegetables?

[B]

But you're supposed to. I read the lyrics. Mushrooms. Mushrooms.

[A]

Mushrooms.

[B]

That's it. Cut. That's. That's all you got?

[A]

Dude, that's all we got. You gave me 20 minutes.

[B]

Was that Ellen John on it?

[A]

Yeah. Everyone's been. We should have been on Sesame Street.

[B]

Yeah. Look at his little pervy.

[A]

How about this one?

[B]

Pervy smile. Yeah.

[A]

If you see a man in a van, don't get in. If you see a man in a van, don't get in.

[B]

But if you do, get in. Know your karate and taekwondo. But you're little. So he's gonna get you.

[A]

The spray. Ready?

[B]

And the whistle blow. Try to escape if you can. And you. And when you escape the fan, you run. And there's 12 of chasing.

[A]

And they are brown, but no race. Specifically no specific race, but they're brown and they have accents, but nothing specific.

[B]

But they're not legal.

[A]

No specific race. They're not illegal. They're here totally legally. They're not asylums for refugees call us. Sesame street, it's called us. We figured we can make a song for these guys. I gotta be honest with you, dude. This new cologne that you got on is so good, it's driving me nuts. It's getting real. I'm getting me horny.

[B]

Are you being real?

[A]

I'm horny from it.

[B]

Because I go to the scent room.

[A]

It's. I'm so. Can I take you to the scent room? No, I'm. I. I don't I Keep it a secret from me? I'm like, you're not. I'm your little mistress.

[B]

No, no. You got to come with the center. I'll buy you a cologne.

[A]

It's not about that.

[B]

Yeah, it is what I like to do, my friend.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Is I to take a friend? Usually a woman.

[A]

Me?

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

I'll dress up for you.

[B]

And we go to the scent room. It's on Larchmont. Right. And then they have clothes and perfumes that aren't widely available. Okay, I'm going. I'm being real.

[A]

I'm going. I'm gonna go.

[B]

And I give them a smell. Like, I have this one called. I forgot what it was called, but it's. It smells like cow poo.

[A]

Oh, yes.

[B]

No, no, be real.

[A]

Yo, moo poo poo. It's not moo poo.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

I think it is Japanese.

[B]

Yeah, but when you spray it on your body, it changes the chemistry of it, right?

[A]

Yeah, it does. You guys are laughing. It does.

[B]

And you smell like sheep poop, right? Yeah. It smells like she poop after that. No, but it does feel like a barn, Right? So I, I. So I'll go. I'll go in there and I'll go. And so today I'm feeling like. Like, okay, think of Nirvana.

[A]

Whoa.

[B]

Or the Enlightenment.

[A]

Both.

[B]

Yeah, both. Both Nirvanas. Right, Right. And they go. What is it? I go. The band. They go. We don't know. Because they're younger.

[A]

Oh, they're kids.

[B]

Right. All right, so then think Taylor Swift.

[A]

Same kind of thing, same audience.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. And then think Nirvana, the Enlightenment. Right. Then also think about hiking and also thinking about. Think about. Right?

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Not the penis.

[A]

No, no. I'd explain it to cock fights.

[B]

Not penises fighting, but the birds fighting. Right.

[A]

But also penises fighting.

[B]

That too. Yeah, but you can even say that.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And they go, we'll be right back. And they don't come back for hours. You're just standing there in the store. Right, right. And they come out and they go, maybe something else. You know, I go, no, Nirvana.

[A]

I yell cock fights.

[B]

Nirvana. Hiking fights. Right. You know, I mean, the two cocks. Two cock fights, different kinds of fights. We'll be right back. Another hour passes, right? And they go, here we go.

[A]

And this is it.

[B]

No, this is not the one I'm wearing now.

[A]

That's not the cockfight.

[B]

No, no, no. But that's what I'm saying. You and I can go in there. Like, what do you want to smell like?

[A]

Oh, okay. Hootie and the Blowfish.

[B]

Well, I'm the guy.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Welcome to the scent room. Hi, I'm Dimitri.

[A]

Hi, Dimitri.

[B]

Yeah. And Lili to my try Lila.

[A]

Yes, Wonderful to me.

[B]

Call me Mr. Lai Lai.

[A]

Okay, Mr. Lila.

[B]

Yeah. Well, hi.

[A]

Hi.

[B]

What you doing?

[A]

I'm here to buy a scent.

[B]

What were you thinking?

[A]

Ooh, I'm thinking, like, what my vibe is right now. I think.

[B]

Well, not now.

[A]

Okay. Went for another time in the future.

[B]

Let's say ten years from now.

[A]

Got it.

[B]

Right. Because I know what you're going to be doing 10 years from now.

[A]

You do?

[B]

Oh, yeah. Really? You're going to.

[A]

Does it look a little bit like this?

[B]

No, it doesn't. No.

[A]

Oh, I'm in a tomb.

[B]

You're a tomb. You're a mummy.

[A]

I'm a mummy?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Mummy dog.

[B]

You don't know?

[A]

Okay. My buddy came here, Bobby Lee. Do you know Bobby Lee? Oh, it's like my best friend.

[B]

Yeah, the one that. You mean the cow poop guy.

[A]

If you're going to try to insult my friend while he's not here, I'm going to have to fight you.

[B]

Well, it was very hard to fucking bottle the cow poo. We had to drive all the way down.

[A]

Well, then why don't you work somewhere else?

[B]

We. We did it. I'm sorry, sir.

[A]

Yeah. He wanted what he wanted. You got.

[B]

Exactly. So what would you like, sir?

[A]

Thank you. Yeah, he told me. Bobby said it's a band, an activity and an animal thing.

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

Right. So let me get my chart out.

[A]

Get it out.

[B]

The first thing, please. The band banned. Yes.

[A]

Are you ready?

[B]

I have my pen and my paper, sir. Go to Sephora. If this is the kind of energy.

[A]

I just came from there. They sent me to you.

[B]

All right.

[A]

They ran out.

[B]

I'm gonna. I'm gonna kick you out to Sephora. The next time you give me a little fucking bite, all right? That.

[A]

What? I don't like that. I said, all right.

[B]

I'm Mr. Lalai.

[A]

I know. Mr. Treat me with respect, sir.

[B]

Yeah. What's my first name?

[A]

Tiki. Tiki Tempo.

[B]

No, the Matrii Demetria. Lie, Lie, lie, Lie.

[A]

All right, sir, so here we go.

[B]

I got the chart out. I have my pen. All right. And I'm ready. And the band.

[A]

Quick silver, Quick silver. Quick.

[B]

Okay. It. Now we have two quick silver. I just wanted to write. We also have the Avenger.

[A]

Yeah, Give me a little bit of.

[B]

We also have the actual mineral Quicksilver as well.

[A]

I'll take A little bit of all.

[B]

Okay, so all three. Quicksilver.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

That's all we got. Okay, so. And then the second thing, please.

[A]

The activity.

[B]

Activity, please.

[A]

Space docking.

[B]

Space docking. Now we don't have space. We have moon landing.

[A]

Now. What is that? Oh, yeah, I know.

[B]

He brought it back. Armstrong did.

[A]

God bless.

[B]

He brought it back from the moon in the 60s.

[A]

If the moon landing was a sexual phrase, what is a moon landing?

[B]

Excuse me?

[A]

Well, you know what space docking is, right, sir? It's when one piece is uncircumcised and one circumcised. And the uncircumcised sleeve covers up the circumcision.

[B]

Yeah, of course.

[A]

That's docking.

[B]

Of course.

[A]

What is a moon landing in sexual terms?

[B]

Moon landing is when a woman or a man lays on his stomach, right. And you get baking powder and you pour baking powder all over his back.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

Then you gotta get your moon shoes on. Right.

[A]

Got it.

[B]

You gotta get the thick ass moon shoes on.

[A]

The big boots.

[B]

The big boots. And I have one from actual Napoleon NASA.

[A]

You do? Yeah.

[B]

When I do my moon landings, I have one from now. I stole it.

[A]

You jacked it from now.

[B]

I only have one boot.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

They're heavy.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

I mean, try to get that boot across that fence. Right?

[A]

Is that a Trump thing?

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

A border boot.

[B]

It's just a border boot. Ah, yeah. You don't know. NASA's in Mexico. NASA's in Mexico. I don't know if you know that. So anyway, so I put the one boot on, right. I put the baby powder and I do the moon. But walking.

[A]

And that's a moonwalk.

[B]

That's a moonwalk. Yeah.

[A]

I had this vision of. You've seen the rockets when they have to control. Land them?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Of like someone with their legs above their head but in the air. And then a penis.

[B]

Oh, you do that. Wow.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And you know, this is a cologne. Perfume store. Can we move on?

[A]

Sorry about that. Yeah.

[B]

I don't know what we're doing.

[A]

So quick.

[B]

There's a line.

[A]

Quicksilver.

[B]

Yeah. So we got the.

[A]

The Avenger, the band.

[B]

Would you like the moonwalking?

[A]

100%.

[B]

So we put moon walking. The smell. Okay. Hey, Lie. There's another guy named Lie.

[A]

You're Mr.

[B]

Lie and his name is Lie.

[A]

His first name's Lie.

[B]

His first name's Lie.

[A]

Can I be honest with you?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

This sounds like a lie.

[B]

It's not. Ironically, his last name is Dunmatre. Oh, yeah. It's reversed.

[A]

I get it.

[B]

So anyway, and the third thing, please. Oh, lie. Get the baking powder ready. Okay. So go ahead.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay. Imagine he. Does he know what you're talking about? You just yelled get the baking powder ready.

[B]

Yeah. Moon.

[A]

Oh, he knows that. That's signal for Moon.

[B]

Yeah, exactly.

[A]

Got it. So you have my band, my element, my avenger, Quicksilver.

[B]

All three. Get all three. Lie. And then we also have Moon walking. Lie. Listen. Okay, and then the third thing, please.

[A]

And the third thing is a what? It's an animal event.

[B]

It's an animal event. It can be a variety of things.

[A]

Okay?

[B]

I mean, it could be a lion, the tiger.

[A]

Falcor.

[B]

Excuse me?

[A]

Falkor from Never Ending Story. Falcor.

[B]

We don't have Falcon. I'm so sorry. We have Cherub. You like cherubs?

[A]

You seriously don't have Falkor?

[B]

We don't have Falcon. No. He died in the movie.

[A]

What?

[B]

Yes. It's a little known fact, but Falkor actually died. You know how Brandon Lee died, bro?

[A]

Yeah, the fake, the bullet.

[B]

Right, right. Falco died. Oh, do you remember? You know, I mean, Alec Baldwin event.

[A]

Same thing.

[B]

Yeah, unfortunately, you know, I mean, it happened again. Yeah, a dummy gun. And there's no guns in which it's crazy. In Never Ending Story. There is no guns in the movie.

[A]

There should have been.

[B]

I. Exactly. But there was one that shot Falcon. Anyway, he died and the lawsuit's still pending.

[A]

I'll take a cherub. I gotta go.

[B]

Okay, well, to get the chair up though, because we have to actually go, buddy.

[A]

Can you.

[B]

To Middle Earth.

[A]

Honestly. Can you hurry up, sir? No, I'm serious.

[B]

You think this cherub's here in la?

[A]

It's your store. I know you have back there.

[B]

Paris Hilton had one years ago. Died. Michael Jackson had one. Right. But you know who ate it?

[A]

His monkey, Bubbles.

[B]

Bubbles ate the cherub.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Yes. And that was a mess because that was my previous job. Cleaning up massacres on Never Ending Never. Never Ending Ranch. Whatever it's called.

[A]

Never Ending Ranch. Falkor flew to Never Ending Ranch. Yes. That's how he died.

[B]

Yeah, that's how he died.

[A]

You're gonna sleep over forever.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So would you like it?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Sit on our futon.

[A]

I'm on it.

[B]

I know, I know, I know you are it. But I don't think you're comfortable.

[A]

I'm very comfortable.

[B]

It's gonna take hours.

[A]

I'm here, okay. I'm gonna call my friend Bobby. In the meantime.

[B]

Hold on a second, okay?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm sorry. To get to.

[A]

Also, what's the price of this shit?

[B]

You'll see. To get the Middle Earth, you're gonna check this out. Pegasus. Pegasus. Yes. Yes. You have to go to Middle Earth again to get a cherub.

[A]

Fuck you. Whoa.

[B]

Whoa. Pegasus. Fuck. Whoa. You shot. You're the one that killed Falkor.

[A]

I'm Alec Baldwin.

[B]

Oh, wow. DraftKings sportsbook this ain't the little itty bitty, teeny tiny bowl. This is the Super Bowl.

[A]

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Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app and use code Bad Friends. That's Code Bad Friends for new customers to get $200 in bonus bets instantly when you bet just five bucks.

[A]

That's right. New DraftKings customer can bet $5 to get $200 in bonus bets Instantly. Okay. Only on DraftKings sportsbook. The crown is yours. You got a gambling problem, call 1-800-GAMBLER in New York. Call 877-8-HOPE NY or text Hopeny 467-369 in Connecticut. Help is available for problem gambling. Call 888-789-7777 or visit ccpg.org Please play responsibly on behalf of Boot Hill Casino and Resort in Kansas. 21 plus age and eligibility for various jurisdiction void in Ontario. New customers only. Bonus bets expire 168 hours after issuance. For additional terms of Responsible Gaming Resources cdkng.co Audio Today's episode is sponsored by Acorns.

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[B]

And all my money is going to Tim Dillon. What?

[A]

Head to acorns.com bad friends or download the Acorns app to start saving and investing for your future today. Paid non client endorsement compensation provides incentive to positively promote Acorns Tier 3 compensation provided investing involves risk. Acorn Advertisers LLC and SEC registered investment advertiser. View important [e-mail] Bad friends ship Station what is that? Is that a train?

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It's a ship station.

[A]

Oh, it's a station that. A ship station.

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[B]

Wow.

[A]

Let me tell you. You're taking me the scent store. I'm dead serious. We're going.

[B]

Yeah, we're going.

[A]

I literally went to Larchmont yesterday.

[B]

Yeah. Have you been to the scent room?

[A]

No. I went down there and I ran into our good buddy Andy Richter.

[B]

Love him.

[A]

You know the last thing he said to me?

[B]

What do you say?

[A]

My hand to God. Tell Bobby, I said hello.

[B]

No.

[A]

Yeah. He loves you, Andy. Andy Richard is like, one of the coolest, nicest, funniest dudes I've ever met in my entire life. My smart.

[B]

My hand to the devil.

[A]

Let me see it.

[B]

My. My hand to the devil.

[A]

God bless.

[B]

Okay, who's Andy Richter?

[A]

Are you serious now?

[B]

I'm going back to my old self. I'm going to the self that I was. I know who Andy is. I love him. From 30 minutes ago. And I'm gonna change that, all right? I'm gonna shift gear.

[A]

Wait a minute. Show up that, then bring up a picture again.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, that's Andy. Rick. That's not who I'm talking about.

[B]

What do you think of.

[A]

No, I'm just.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

He's curtailing your joke.

[B]

So you, what, bought a shirt there now?

[A]

I went down there to kill some time. I bought a shirt, and I saw how much the neighborhood had changed. It's so fun. It's.

[B]

It's a great. Let's do a little game called Down Larchmont Lane.

[A]

Down Larchmont Boulevard.

[B]

Boulevard. Okay. So a lot of people listening from all over the world.

[A]

You going to puke?

[B]

I just hit an ozempic burp. God, dude, I just had an Ozempic.

[A]

When I see it start, I know.

[B]

You get scared. I know.

[A]

Ptsd.

[B]

I know. I'm fine.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Okay. So a lot of people from all over, around the world. If you're in Los Angeles, there's a street called Larchmont, and it's a great neighborhood. Can we say? Yeah, yeah. It's very Midwestern, actually. In many ways.

[A]

It feels like everywhere and nowhere at once.

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It could be anywhere.

[B]

Yeah. It's like Never Ending Ranch.

[A]

Never Ending Ranch.

[B]

Yeah. So let's go down Larchmont Lane. That's Eric Griffin's dream. All you can eat, ranch dress. He does it with a straw. Boba straw.

[A]

Imagine Eric America. Eric got kicked out of a buffet, and they were like. He's like, it's all you can eat. And they're like, no, not all you can.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

All right.

[B]

You ate a chair.

[A]

All right, so anyway, Larchmont Boulevard.

[B]

So let's go. Let's. Because you. You recently, or you were there yesterday.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So let's. You want to grade our little stores down there? Let's.

[A]

Let's do it.

[B]

All right, so there's a Rite Aid.

[A]

What are we doing? What are we doing out of 10?

[B]

Yeah, let's go to 1 through 10. Yeah.

[A]

No, 1 through 5.

[B]

Is easier 1 through 5. Yeah. There's a Rite Aid.

[A]

All right. It gets a. It gets a four for supply because there's always something in there. But it gets a two for the fentanyl front door.

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

You have to like duck and dodge.

[B]

A couple of fentanyls. Yes, very good. So it gets that should be in there.

[A]

Double rating.

[B]

Yeah. There's a salt and straw.

[A]

Salt and straw. As I was just about to say. I'm here. Your rating for salt and straw.

[B]

You know, I think it's hype.

[A]

I agree.

[B]

Do you really?

[A]

Van Leeuwen is way better and so.

[B]

Is I. I prefer Baskin Robbins.

[A]

Now you're wrong.

[B]

No, I'm not.

[A]

Now you're absolutely.

[B]

I'm not. What happened to the good old rocky road, baby?

[A]

It's not rock.

[B]

Fairly is in cream, baby. It ain't the butter pecan, baby.

[A]

First of all, McConnell's out of Santa Barbara. Phenomenal.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And Van Leeuwen. Both better than salt and straw.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

By a land, it's not even close.

[B]

Oh. So don't put goat cheese in ice cream.

[A]

I don't want that.

[B]

Yeah. And fennel.

[A]

I don't like that. Okay, I might.

[B]

All right.

[A]

What do you grade the salt and straw number wise out of five?

[B]

Are we comparing that salt and straw with all the other salt and straws in general?

[A]

It's a broad spectrum. I mean, it's like we can be.

[B]

It's the best salt and straw in the business.

[A]

The one on Larchmont.

[B]

But compared to other ice cream businesses. One through five. A three. It's still good.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Then next door to that is Aesop. The. The, the. Oh, it's like lotions.

[B]

Let me tell you about Aesop.

[A]

Give it to me.

[B]

Five out of five.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Any asop.

[A]

All of them. Dude, why do you like them so much?

[B]

Because that's all I have in my house.

[A]

They do give free samples outside.

[B]

No, I buy it.

[A]

You really?

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

I've never bought it once.

[B]

Body. Body. The body wash.

[A]

I go inside, I get what I need and I go home.

[B]

I keep doing.

[A]

I come with little fill up things.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Never paid for it.

[B]

God.

[A]

How about the. How about the. The children's bookstore there?

[B]

Five out of five.

[A]

Five out of five. Five out of five.

[B]

When I drop out, my nephew.

[A]

Your. Your Nephew?

[B]

Yeah, he's 24. But also. And then there's also a.

[A]

There's a pet store across the street.

[B]

Tail Waggers.

[A]

Tail Waggers is right there.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. And I like Tail waggers.

[A]

It's fine.

[B]

They have my number in the thing.

[A]

Me too, unfortunately.

[B]

Why?

[A]

Because when we used to have the dog over, we used to have dog. Exact dogs at the dog.

[B]

Where do you go now for your dog stuff?

[A]

I call my cousin.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

And I said, come to the house and watch the dog. Because last time we put her in one of those places like Healthy Spot.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

She bit three dogs.

[B]

Oh, she did.

[A]

She bit there.

[B]

I was asking, like, where do you buy your supplies? But you're saying grooming now.

[A]

No, no, I thought you meant. I was saying daycare. Like to sit the dog if we're going. If we.

[B]

Oh, so they used to go to tail waggers for get daycare.

[A]

Long time ago.

[B]

Oh, wow. I have my Vietnamese friend do it and he salivates.

[A]

Yeah, just sits there and drools.

[B]

Mouth gets so watery. It's like. It's a discipline for him.

[A]

But anyway, no, we had to switch. No, she didn't bite any other dogs. I was kidding. She hated it. My dog hated it. They'd be like, oh, cubs. Just goes in the corner and sits by herself.

[B]

Oh, don't you hate when that happens?

[A]

I think she gets intimidated by other stranger dogs. And so she was like this. I'm just going to. And she just goes, sits by herself.

[B]

What are you going to do when he dies? She dies. Brutal, brutal, Brutal. Tears of sadness, for sure. Long cries. Long cries. Long cries. Anyway, let's move on.

[A]

I'm gonna have her cloned. I've looked into the cloning. I'm gonna do it.

[B]

I know because you know what? Let me tell you something. Let's do it.

[A]

I'm gonna. I want to clone it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah, I want to clone it.

[B]

Because you can't. Yeah, go ahead.

[A]

50 grand. Nevermind. We'll get a new dog. Also, also, you get your dog back. It's not your dog.

[B]

It is your dog.

[A]

It's not the same when you clone.

[B]

Yes, it is. It's your dog from toe to top.

[A]

No, but the. But the soul is from nose to toe.

[B]

I don't know, whatever.

[A]

But the soul is not the same. It's not gonna have the same personality. It's not gonna have the same.

[B]

It's gonna be so similar though.

[A]

It's not gonna know my songs. It's not gonna have all my songs.

[B]

I'm your dog.

[A]

The first song I sing when I get in the house, I go, sweetie, sweetie. Who's my little sweetie?

[B]

Oh, that's.

[A]

Hey.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. And Then I pick her up and then she goes, oh, yeah, who's my little sweetie? Yeah, give me your song.

[B]

I don't. I just do talk.

[A]

You just full talk, maybe.

[B]

Why do you do you do you do. Oh, right, right. And they go, because I'm holding it. Maybe too tight.

[A]

Yeah, too tight.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. But no, I love my.

[A]

It'd be funny to talk to your dogs just like a human. Like, you walk in, you're like, what's going on, man? How have you been?

[B]

Right.

[A]

But not giving it any, like, the inflection of like.

[B]

Imagine if you can give them some intelligence.

[A]

Your dog's smart.

[B]

No, but like, to the speaking. So they can speak.

[A]

Oh. Like, what could they understand?

[B]

Like, that you give them, you know, an 8 year old's intelligence a little bit more. A 15 year old.

[A]

15, 14. 15 is pretty good.

[B]

No, he's gonna off, dad.

[A]

That's why it's.

[B]

Yeah, I don't want that.

[A]

Yeah, no, I want that.

[B]

All right.

[A]

My dog's pretty smart, dude.

[B]

She missed it smoking in the. In the room. Yeah, yeah. No.

[A]

Okay. Go back to Larchmont.

[B]

So I'm. I'm not done. There's. Here's another thing. They have a pokey place and Can I tell you about pokey? Not into it.

[A]

I'm out, dude.

[B]

Okay. Why. Why are you on a pokey? I'll tell you why I'm on a pokey.

[A]

Okay. Two reasons.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

One, fast food sushi has never been my. I like it. I like sushi that they. I'm at the sushi joint. He cuts the fish, I eat it. I don't want. It's been cut five hours ago in the morning, sits in the cooler. Then it gets slopped in a bowl with sriracha mayo. Not a fan.

[B]

I'm not a fan as that as well.

[A]

I just want fresh.

[B]

I want fresh cut. Shit, dude.

[A]

Yeah, dude.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. That's why I've never done, like, sushi in one of those, like, rotary. What's it called?

[A]

Timeout. But in Japan, those are fucking awesome because they do cut it fresh and they put it on there and it can only go around so many times.

[B]

Yeah. But in North Hollywood, it's on there for three days.

[A]

Yeah, Three days.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The salmon's green. I don't like it.

[A]

You're like, dude, in Northridge, it'll rotate for a month.

[B]

For a month, exactly. So anyway, so I don't. I don't like it.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Pokey out for me. I hate going to Hawaii, too. Because like Kalila and everyone's.

[A]

They love.

[B]

Let's go to the pokey. I go, no, thanks. I'm not going to no poke, man.

[A]

Just go to a sushi joint.

[B]

I'm gonna go to my Almakasa sushi joint where he slices it right in front of my eyes. Anyway, let's move on. There's a donut place called Holy Grill. Donut?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Have you had it?

[A]

I have. Now, this is where I regress because you. Baskin Robbins, the ice cream thing. Whether or not you were joking, I think shitty donuts are better than fancy donuts. This whole new fancy donut thing can. Fuck off.

[B]

Oh, man, we are in trouble, brother.

[A]

Now my friend give me Dunkin Donuts over fancy donuts all fucking day.

[B]

Dude, you have no idea.

[A]

Dunkin Donuts. Munchkins. The little munchkins. The donut holes.

[B]

No, dude, that's. How you doing? That's so gross. No. Hey, yeah.

[A]

No, this is how I. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, fancy donut off, it sucks.

[B]

Holy Grail does this.

[A]

It's good.

[B]

No, you've never had it.

[A]

I have.

[B]

Because if you had, ridiculous things wouldn't come out of your mouth like that.

[A]

It's too much. It's what Voodoo Donuts does, too. It's like we put all the On.

[B]

No, no, not voodoo. I didn't say voodoo, dude.

[A]

It's the same shit.

[B]

Is. Is. Is Duncan warm? Let's get to the. No, it's not. It's never warm.

[A]

Yes, it is.

[B]

No, it's not.

[A]

Yes, it is. Yeah, I go to Dunk all the time. A dunk dog, dude.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Anyway, bring up Holy Grail picture of their website. They look this whole fancy donut thing for like eight bucks a donut. That ain't it, my guy. That ain't it.

[B]

Okay, let's go to the. Look at the donut.

[A]

I'll give you one better than them. By the way, you know who. You know who tops them?

[B]

Who?

[A]

The one.

[B]

You don't even know the name. That's how sad it is.

[A]

No, I do. I do. I do. I do. Is phoneuts. I'll take a phone out over these.

[B]

Oh, you like phone nuts. Okay, now let's zoom into the. What they have here?

[A]

That one says cancer.

[B]

No, it's not.

[A]

Do you get cancer when you eat it?

[B]

Yeah, only colon.

[A]

Oh, that's easy.

[B]

Only colon.

[A]

That's very, very literal. You would from this stuff.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, Chaga Chai.

[B]

Yeah. Look at Virgo. Come on, guy.

[A]

Black Sabbath. Imagine how mad Ozzy would Be if he saw that donut. My band is not. Not as shitty donuts.

[B]

Yeah. Anyway, let's move on from it.

[A]

No, no, no. Let's keep going. Give me the. Go to their website. Give me the price of these fucking bullshit donuts.

[B]

They're also small.

[A]

Yeah, they're.

[B]

I love them.

[A]

Give me the prices. What does this cost to get? They're probably not going to show.

[B]

What are you shaking your head for? You never had one before?

[A]

Four duck. Four bucks a donut.

[B]

What? It's too much shit on it.

[A]

Too much shit. California.

[B]

$4 for a donut.

[A]

$4 a donut. That's good, brother. If I go to fucking donut girl, the lady by my.

[B]

It's cheap.

[A]

That's why it's 65 cents for a donut.

[B]

It's cheap. Cheap ingredients.

[A]

What do you think?

[B]

They're using good shit from Hawaii.

[A]

Fuck. They are.

[B]

Yeah, dude. Roots and stuff.

[A]

Look up Hawaii. Look up Holy Grail donuts. Controversy. Just type that in.

[B]

Why?

[A]

Just look it up.

[B]

There is no. Oh.

[A]

The main controversy surrounding Holy Grail donuts is that some customers claim the taste and quality of their donuts, particularly the taro based ones, are significantly better when purchased directly in Hawaii compared to locations here in the mainland. They're using bullshit here, not shipping the good shit here.

[B]

Dude, you're. It's like saying this guy.

[A]

They're not shipping the good shit here, pal.

[B]

It's like this gold is. Is better in Hawaii than it's tarot.

[A]

Is. Is gold better in Hawaii?

[B]

It is.

[A]

It is. Proving my point.

[B]

You're right. It is.

[A]

Here's the deal, okay? There's only certain supply chains that can get it right all over the globe. McDonald's. It's a home run. It's a home run. Places like this, they're just. They don't have the infrastructure also.

[B]

You're really pissing me off.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

What about Krispy Kreme? What's your opinion on Krispy Kreme? Better than.

[A]

Better than Holy Grail?

[B]

No. Better than Dun Dun.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Okay, good.

[A]

But let me tell you something about. Now we're on Earth, but let me tell you something about Krispy Kreme.

[B]

Now we're on planet Earth here.

[A]

Let me tell you about Krispy Kreme. The only donut you can have there is the original glaze.

[B]

And that's what I was talking about.

[A]

Yeah, but they do other. But Duncan do. Does other. And crispy cream can't do that.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because the chocolate glaze ones Krispy Kreme kick fucking rocks. The chocolate glaze at Dunkin Donuts.

[B]

Okay, we should do this. Okay? And I already know, okay, we should do have a donut taste. But I already know, right, that it's. There's such a difference between a good donut and garbage donut. He's going to pick the garbage one every time.

[A]

That's not true.

[B]

To defend his own point of view, right? So we can't even have that contest because this piece of shit, right, it needs to win rather than. Except that he's wrong.

[A]

Sounds familiar, doesn't it?

[B]

No. Yeah.

[A]

Because I'm doing my Bobby Lee today. And I'm on it. I'm playing Bobby Lee today.

[B]

Wow. Dude, you want to go? Go Blows or what?

[A]

Yeah, no, let's go down.

[B]

Can we go down Larchmont Lane or.

[A]

No, let's go, dude.

[B]

Let's continue back on Larchmont Lane.

[A]

Make us a shirt that says bad Friends on Larchmont Lane.

[B]

Okay, now there's a couple of. So there's the scent room next to Holy Grail, but there's another one that's a cologne. Plus very. It's a chain. I forgot what it was called.

[A]

Oh, it's La Labo is there, right?

[B]

Not La Labo. It's another one like that. Diptyque.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

What's your opinion of Diptyque?

[A]

Love the candles. Love a Diptyque candle made here in the States. I like the Diptyque candles. I like them. They're good. I don't. I don't. It's. You know, they're 80 bucks a candle.

[B]

A girl there ghosted me. I'm out.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Call them right now. I'm gonna call them.

[B]

No, no, no, no.

[A]

I'm gonna call him.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Give me the Diptyque on Larchmont. I'm gonna call her right now.

[B]

No, she doesn't work there anymore.

[A]

What's her name?

[B]

Yeah, that was your date spot a candle shop. No, bro, she works there. You. How does she goes. You. If she works there? Don't do. I was kidding. I'm lying.

[A]

So am I.

[B]

Don't call.

[A]

It's a bit.

[B]

But don't call them.

[A]

Why? Because I'm not gonna say your name or anything.

[B]

Okay. You really.

[A]

Jesus Christ. Can I just do a bit?

[B]

Okay, I'm calling him, but don't say my name.

[A]

What was your first name? Lili.

[B]

What was your first name, Mr. Lila.

[A]

Hi. I just want to give you just a little something I want to say is my good friend to My trial I, like, was seeing someone that was working at your store, and we're starting a date and she ghosted him, and I just was calling to try to repair the relationship. Is. Is just still work there? Sorry. Yes. No, she has not worked here for over a year. Well, I can tell you something. She kind of did a number on a buddy of mine, and I'm just. I don't know what kind of person she was personally, but I just wanted to tell her myself, give her my two cents. How we do it where I'm from is that's not. That's not nice, and that's not okay. And I'm glad that she's not there anymore. I'll tell you, I would hope and pray she got fired. I am sorry to hear that. I have no opinion of her. I joined around the time she left. Great. Great. Well, have a wonderful, wonderful day. You as well. Bye. Bye. Bye. Handled your business. Dude, why'd you get so nervous?

[B]

I hate prank protocol.

[A]

It's not a prank.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

That's not a prank. I did not a prank.

[B]

It was. There was a girl there.

[A]

He had no opinion of her. He said I wasn't being me. Here's my thing. I don't like prank calls either. I'm not being mean to him.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I'm being mean about a character of a person that doesn't exist. So I'm not pranking him. I'm just telling him my tale. And my tail is something else. And by the way, if you're going to prank call at home, call somewhere, but make up a story that does. It's not mean or rude to them. I'm just giving him a piece of my little fantasy life. You know what I mean?

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Just talk to him. Okay. Go down Larchmont Avenue.

[B]

So no, so we went to Diptyque. Okay. And then Scent Room.

[A]

There's a card store. There's like a paper source or something like that.

[B]

Yeah. Which would be like.

[A]

Yeah, it's fine. We could just bring up the Google maps.

[B]

That new bakery is pretty good. Oh, no.

[A]

Yeah. Levain.

[B]

Best baker in town.

[A]

Very good.

[B]

I had that the other day with the Asians.

[A]

With Chinese.

[B]

Yeah. No, with me.

[A]

Oh. With Andrea Gene.

[B]

Yeah, we went to. That bakery is the best. They have the best cookies in town.

[A]

We love Andrea Jen. She's the best. Okay, zoom into there. And here's my biggest beef about this whole thing.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

So at the very end of the block there, go down south. You're there, right there at that last Intersection. What street is that? First. First. First Ave. First Street. And here's my biggest beef about this whole thing.

[B]

Okay?

[A]

So at the very end of the block there, go down south. You're there right there at that last intersection. What street is that? First. First. First Ave. First Street.

[B]

So.

[A]

Right. So there's a Chase bank on the corner. Right now there's a Buck Mason right there. You see it says Buck Mason Clothing store. Yeah, that used to be Larchmont Village. Larchmont Bakery or whatever. Larchmont Cafe. The Larchmont Cafe. It was one of the best coffee and breakfast joints. And do you know why they.

[B]

I've never even heard of it.

[A]

Oh, it was incredible. So good.

[B]

It's an echo park now.

[A]

They moved. I know, but do you know why? Why they got kicked off the street.

[B]

1-800-Flowers Calm Valentine's Day is coming up, and for me, there's only one place I trust. 1-800-flowers.com it's the only place that I've ever used, man.

[A]

Every year I order stunning, high quality bouquets from 1,800flowers.com that my wifey absolutely loves.

[B]

And that's this year, we're partnering with 1-800-FLOWERS to make sure you're a Valentine's hero with an exclusive offer from for our listeners, double the roses for free.

[A]

Double the roses. Incredible.

[B]

That's double right there.

[A]

That is beautiful. And you can spray, spray them all over the place, man. Where do you want them? In the. In the bedroom, on the couch. Put them in her car, you know, whatever.

[B]

Garage for me.

[A]

Garage. Put them in the garage. All roses from 1-800-Flowers are picked at their peak, cared for every step of the way, and ship fresh to ensure lasting beauty.

[B]

Think ahead. This year when you order one dozen, they'll double the rose bouquet for free at great value.

[A]

That's 24 roses. What are you talking about? That's so fast and so beautiful. Win their hearts this Valentine's with 1-800-flowers.com to claim your double your roses offer, go to 1-800flowers.com bad friends.

[B]

That's 1,800flowers.com bad friends factor. Hey, guy.

[A]

Yeah, Bob.

[B]

I love eating food.

[A]

I know.

[B]

And I'm trying to lose weight.

[A]

I know.

[B]

I use factor.

[A]

You do?

[B]

Yeah, they're delicious.

[A]

Well, if you're ready to optimize your nutrition like Bobby Lee, this year Factor has chef made gourmet meals that make eating well easy. Dietitian approved and ready to heat and eat in two minutes. So you can feel right and feel great no matter what life throws at you.

[B]

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[A]

And they got 40 options across eight dietary preferences on the menu each week. It's easy to pick meals tailored to your goal goals. Choose from preferences like Calorie Smart protein plus or Bobby's favorite keto.

[B]

That's right. Reach your goals this year with ingredients you can trust and convenience that can be can't be beat.

[A]

Also factor, by the way, they have other stuff. They got wholesome smoothies, breakfast grab and go snacks and more add ons. So it's not limited, you know. Reach your goals this year the way that you want. Eat smart with factor.

[B]

Get started@Factor Meals.com Bad Friends 50 off and use code BAD FRIENDS50OFF to get 50 off your first box plus free shipping.

[A]

That's code BAD FRIENDS50OFF@Factor Meals.com Bad friends 50 off to get 50% off plus free shipping on your first box.

[B]

This episode is brought to you by Shopify. Upgrade your business with Shopify, home of the number one checkout on the planet. Shop. Pay boosts conversions up to 50%, meaning fewer carts going abandoned and more sales going cha ching. So if you're into growing your business, get a commerce platform that's ready to sell wherever your customers are. Visit shopify.com to upgrade your selling today.

[A]

What happened was the neighborhood, someone there's a fucking snitch rat in the neighborhood. And because they were operating whatever hours of the day, these people that. Because right behind them are houses. Right?

[B]

Right. They were open late.

[A]

They were open probably later than a normal place would be.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And they were mad. So then someone in the fucking neighborhood found out they weren't registered to have this certain code of restaurant or whatever to like make coffee and sell food and alcohol or whatever.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

And they got that place fucking closed down after like 20 some odd years.

[B]

Do we know this person's name?

[A]

No, I don't know who did it. But I'm telling you, if I find out, because you took that away from me, because I used to have coffee there in the morning. And right in the corner, one of my favorite places to get a cup of coffee, they brewed it there. They had the fucking coffee vat things there with the beans.

[B]

My God, they're that big.

[A]

They're this big.

[B]

I had no idea they were that big.

[A]

Show him with the bean.

[B]

Oh my God.

[A]

Show him a bean machine.

[B]

I always thought they were this big.

[A]

That's what I call my wife's vagina. The bean Machine. Yeah, show him the bean machine. Coffee bean, roasting machine. There it is. Coffee bean, roasting machine. Roasting machine.

[B]

There it is.

[A]

That's not it. Oh, it's a big vet with the beans. There it is.

[B]

Oh my God.

[A]

Tell me that's not as big as the arms.

[B]

It's so big, dude. Yeah.

[A]

And that's where it makes the beans nice to make me poop.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

By the way, I've realized after like 41 years on this planet, I don't think I've pooped without coffee in 20 some odd years. No, I don't think so.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

If I don't have coffee, I'm not pooping.

[B]

Well, yeah, me too. I think I have to.

[A]

I have.

[B]

I need coffee so bad.

[A]

Like I feel. I'm serious. Yeah. If I'm on the road and I need to grab a cup of coffee, It'll be like 2 or 3pm And I'm like, I haven't pooped.

[B]

Yeah. Quick trivia, go. What's older, the Eiffel Tower or Nintendo?

[A]

Oddly enough, Nintendo.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

How'd you know?

[A]

Because Nintendo.

[B]

Did you know that? Yeah.

[A]

Nintendo was started when Jack the Ripper was still operating.

[B]

Dude, dude, that kid at school. Dude, dude, you know that. So you know that kid in school?

[A]

Annoying.

[B]

The most annoying kid in school. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Well, did you guys know, did you know this?

[B]

Yeah. When Jack the Ripper was still operating. You mean murdering.

[A]

Yeah, operating for a murderer. Working.

[B]

I don't know what to say. Working, working.

[A]

No, he's not getting paid.

[B]

That's why I said operating. Yeah, Killing. Killing. Wow. So. Yes.

[A]

Give me more trivia. I like.

[B]

That's the only one I know.

[A]

Well, get another one.

[B]

Yeah, that is.

[A]

That is.

[B]

It's an interesting thing.

[A]

Have you been to the Eiffel Tower?

[B]

I have.

[A]

And rank it out of five.

[B]

Out of all the towers I've been to.

[A]

Yeah. Two right behind the twin. Yeah, yeah. No, honestly, rank it out of five. Two for real. Out of. Out of.

[B]

Oh no, it's probably five. The one in Vegas is better.

[A]

I agree.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. The one in Vegas is better.

[A]

I went to Eiffel Tower. So let down.

[B]

And then, you know, and then when you first. When you go down Largemont a little further, I get a little lost here.

[A]

That's how I die down. The pizza joint's fine.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. Mulberries.

[A]

Yeah, Mulberries.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. And then.

[A]

Oh, there's a Creation juicery and all that stuff.

[B]

Yeah, all that stuff.

[A]

That's a Jerry Seinfeld. He's just on large.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What am I doing on Largemont? There's a Pete's Coffee.

[B]

Yeah. She said go get them.

[A]

Oh, go get him, tiger, too. So there's about nine coffee shops.

[B]

It's a good place if you're in LA to go shopping, take a walk and take a walk. It's a really nice place. Parking's a what? Parking.

[A]

Park in the neighborhood.

[B]

Oh, that's what you do?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah, dude. Trying to wait for those spots.

[B]

Yeah. But there's also. You know, here's another thing about the signs. I never know what the signs are.

[A]

I don't read them.

[B]

You just park wherever.

[A]

I just park. And if I get a ticket, I get a ticket. By the way, it's. It's not failed me for 20 years in LA.

[B]

So you'll park in a residential thing where it says you need a tag.

[A]

I'll figure it out. I almost always get away with it. Now, where I don't get away with it is meters. Meters are insane. They got like a gun out waiting for you, like.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Two minutes left. Yeah, you got two minutes.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But in a neighborhood, those guys got a circle so big and look at every tag. You can get away with it.

[B]

Yeah. I got towed in West Hollywood ones when I was at a lady's house.

[A]

But you slept over.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

A t. Over night's different than during the day.

[B]

Oh, so I got that too.

[A]

Wrong. Night time, you cannot nighttime. No, no.

[B]

Why?

[A]

Why not? No, no. Because that's when they're really, Bob. That's when they're. That's when they have time to get.

[B]

People, but they actually tow you.

[A]

100.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Because they make so much money.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

How much it cost to get your car out? 800 or something.

[B]

Yeah. Hundreds of dollars.

[A]

It's so stupid.

[B]

Makes me so mad.

[A]

It's. It's. It's. It's unjust. It's unfair.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That's why I want to do. Put the. You know, now they sell. You can lock your wheel so they can't tow it. Have you seen this? Then they have to get a flatbed in there.

[B]

No.

[A]

Yeah, get one of those. Some guy in New York put a video up about him. Like there was things you can put around your wheel so you. So they can't tow you.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

But they flatbed you. Then they can. They can get you.

[B]

I just created an invention. Just when you just said that. Here's my invention. Yeah, Like a bike lock. Right? Like.

[A]

Like a bike lock right on your top. On through your wheels?

[B]

Not through the wheels, even, like, you know, the piping below.

[A]

Oh, boy.

[B]

What?

[A]

I'm gonna find out how little you know about cars.

[B]

There's no. There's no piping below.

[A]

There is, but. What piping are you speaking about?

[B]

The exhaust piping.

[A]

What is that?

[B]

There we go.

[A]

What is that gonna do?

[B]

You put a lock on it.

[A]

On the exhaust. That's not gonna help you.

[B]

There's. So when I go underneath a car, I've never been underneath one. There we go. Zoom in.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Look at all that stuff. Look at all the chaos down there, my friend.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Can I zoom in a little further, my friend? Further, please. There's got to be a place underneath that car where you can stick a lock.

[A]

But what are you locking up your.

[B]

Car to the street?

[A]

Did he just puts a master lock click, like. Like a gym locker, Right?

[B]

You click right, lock, click right. And then they have to. They have to have the combo to unlock it.

[A]

I don't. I don't. Yeah, okay. Yeah. I mean, I'm on.

[B]

Oh, yeah. One of those things. Oh, I see.

[A]

They just clip it.

[B]

They clip it. Well, they just clip bikes, and they.

[A]

Do all the time. Oh, people get bikes. My bike got stolen. The first, like, three bikes I had here got stolen.

[B]

So there's no lock that's unclippable in human history. Well, that's. Let's invite. Invent that. Let's invent that.

[A]

An unclippable lock.

[B]

Unclippable lock.

[A]

I almost called you yesterday.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because I was walking on Larchmont.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Our favorite. I was.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I was talking on the phone to a friend about the David lynch documentary that they reposted to hbo.

[B]

No limo.

[A]

It's old, right?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But I rewatched it because I'd watch it when it came out. Yeah, dude, he said. He said something in there made you cry. It just made me feel like what we talk about. Right. With the show that we're.

[B]

Give it to me, baby. Give it to me.

[A]

He said. I realized at some point that life was about making art. Drinking coffee, smoking cigarettes. And sometimes a woman gets in there. And I was like, that's. Dude, that's all his life was. Make art, smoke cigarettes, drink coffee.

[B]

That's my life.

[A]

Sometimes get a girl in there.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

But I'm saying what he's saying to you is, listen to the order. Make art first coffee and cigarettes. Debatable whether you should. I don't think you should smoke cigarettes anymore. And sometimes a girl gets in There. But when you put the girl in.

[B]

Front of the art, is this directed toward me?

[A]

No, this is universal. This is a broad.

[B]

This is.

[A]

This is David Lynch.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What he's saying is when you put girl in front of art, and girl represents not just woman, it represents noise. Earth, life. Noise.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

In front of art. Art, bad art. Go. Art, bad art. Wrong. But if it goes art, Cigarettes and coffee.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

And then girl, life are good.

[B]

It's good.

[A]

Art good. Yeah, I'm. That's exactly what he's saying. And he said it so profoundly.

[B]

You're like, is it on hbo?

[A]

Right? Isn't hbo? I think it was hbo. They reposted it.

[B]

But. So David lynch, do you like his movies?

[A]

What do you mean? I love his movies. What I don't like is people.

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

Do you know what I'm trying to say? Yeah. Do you?

[B]

I don't think so, no. Yeah.

[A]

I think they don't understand. I think some people like David lynch because of the abstract nature of film. And then some people like David lynch because they really believe that everything was deliberate.

[B]

I don't get that second part.

[A]

I think some people really like it because not all those films were fucking perfect. Quite flawed, if I'm being honest. A lot of them are quite flawed, super subversive and beautiful. But, like, I think some people like him because they like that it's weird. And some people like it because it's a lot of artistic choice. It's very. It's very deliberate is what I mean.

[B]

I'm going to tell you why I like it.

[A]

I'll give you an example of what I'm trying to.

[B]

Go ahead, tell me.

[A]

The example I'm trying to say is I think some people like Tarantino because a lot of his movies, for lack of a better explanation, involve violence and very hot, heavy, fast, throbbing film. It's very. It's a lot. Right? Which is why when someone talks about Once Upon a Time, they're like, I didn't like it till the end. Till there was a lot of violence. Do you know what I mean? And then other people really like it because he's. His store, the way he tells stories. Extremely.

[B]

I love that movie. I love that movie.

[A]

But it's story, it's specific. That's my point. Is like, some people like lynch because they understand. He's trying to tell this really beautiful, intricate story sometimes within. Within. Within itself. Some people like it because they're like, it's.

[B]

It's.

[A]

Lynch is out there, man. It's just. It's like they're. They're just in. Fascinated with the idea that it's so unique.

[B]

If you watch a movie, like erase your head. Right. This is the first time. And it used to scare me as a kid when I used to watch this movie.

[A]

Well, it's a scary movie.

[B]

Yeah. I get scared now, but there's these gaps between people's conversations.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And within those gaps. Gaps. You hear like some electronical equipment or a buzzing or whatever. And it's so awkward and it's also so otherworldly almost, you know, but it's. There is a fear in there.

[A]

Well, you hear the, you hear the. Yeah. You hear like the feedback of stillness.

[B]

How are you? And then you hear. And then there's literally a minute will go by. Pretty good. You know what I mean? It's just this weird way of, you know, and I, and I thought, you know, as a kid I was like, I've never seen a movie like this before. You know, paced like this.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

When you watch the lynch movie, like Lost highway, even. I don't. I don't understand. Do you know what that movie's about? I have no idea. Yeah, but you're still watching it because it's just like every scene there's just something that's completely different and you can't, you can. There's no way that you can go. Like you said, sometimes you watch a movie go. I know where this is going. There's no way to do that with a Lynch movie.

[A]

Yeah. This isn't like a. His. His stuff isn't. He never worked with Kevin Hart.

[B]

We. We. Yeah. So funny.

[A]

Well, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. What I mean is like the Rock.

[B]

And Kevin Hart and David Lynch's. Oh, my God.

[A]

It's just. David Lynch's lack of commercialism is.

[B]

Yeah, was.

[A]

Was very on purpose, you know what I'm saying? Some people were like, he's like, I got it. I like, like, were you. Well, were you. Are you a. Were you. Are you a Twin Peaks fan?

[B]

I am, yeah.

[A]

So that's a big point of contention. A lot of people weren't.

[B]

I see.

[A]

And a lot of people who were hardcore lynch people that I know didn't like it and vice versa. I know people who are like, didn't really love David Lynch. I love doing Peace.

[B]

So do you know Jack, the guy that played a razorhead? We could find out his last name. Jack, the actor.

[A]

Mihoff.

[B]

No, the guy with the hair burn. Nance. Jack. That's so Jack Nance. Right. Was in Erasure Head but he did. He was in Twin Peaks. He's been in a lot of lynch movies. Right. Do you know how he died?

[A]

Can I guess?

[B]

Yeah, yeah, guess.

[A]

Was it auto erotic?

[B]

No, it's sadder than that.

[A]

Sadder than auto erotic?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

He died. Oh, oh, oh, no, O'Reilly. He died. I don't do. Give it to me.

[B]

Okay, so something.

[A]

So he was piranhas.

[B]

He was seeing a porn star. Okay.

[A]

Aids.

[B]

And he, he was shooting a movie. He was shooting a movie where like the, like it was like out in the mountains. So, you know me. He couldn't get really good cell service. Cell service or it was a phone service.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

There was a storm or something and his girlfriend was going to kill him. Kill herself, right. And then the phone cut out and by the time he, you know, I mean, found. She killed him herself, his girlfriend, right. And then he gave it comes back to L. A and he's at a hot dog store somewhere in North Hollywood somewhere and some gang members beat him to death with a pipe.

[A]

What did it have to do about the girlfriend killing herself?

[B]

I don't know, I just thought, okay, yeah, it was a fun little extra, you know what I mean?

[A]

They beat him to death.

[B]

There was a documentary called you don't know Jack and David lynch directed it, I think. And it's about his life. It's so sad.

[A]

Dude, just go to Jack Nance death. Yeah. Or whatever I want.

[B]

Yeah, I would. I. I might have got it up.

[A]

But on Nance launched with friends Leo Bulgalarni and Catherine Case. He had a visible crescent shaped bruise under his eye. And when asked about it, he related him story about a brawl outside of Winchell's Donuts Love donut Place. That's a good donut place store. That morning he went home complaining of a headache. Nance developed a subderbal hematoma resulting in his death. The following morning found his body and they found him out in the bathroom floor of his apartment in South Pasadena, California. Later that day, an autopsy revealed that his blood alcohol content was 0.24 at the time of his death.

[B]

That's probably did it.

[A]

Yeah. But initially ruled as resulting from blunt force trauma. So. Right. He had a subdermal.

[B]

It wasn't a hot dog place. A donut place. And then. Is there any way you can look up his. Because his.

[A]

Check it out. It wasn't a hot dog place. A donut place. And he drank himself to death. Yeah, I mean 0.24 is fucking insane. But this is a guy that was that's insane.

[B]

Not. Not in anything but lynch movies. He relied on Lynch. Right. And then when he put him on Twin Peaks, it's like saved him for money and stuff like that. But like, he. Because he was a series regular on Twin Peaks.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

But he never really, you know, point made it 2, 4.

[A]

Do you realize that's. Isn't that 2% of your blood? Correct.

[B]

What. What's the most you've had in your body, you think? I don't think I've ever seen you super drunk.

[A]

Have you guys?

[B]

You're always cool. Like, you're still very cool.

[A]

I'm not. Well, but I've drank more than I should. But I'm. I'm never like Dr. Jekyll, mister.

[B]

I've never seen you drunk.

[A]

You've never. No, I don't think what.

[B]

I was. I showered in the room and I got out and you were in there after Dollywood.

[A]

Oh, yeah. Then that day, I was drunk. I was pretty drunk.

[B]

Oh, yeah. That day. I mean, do you think about, like, right now? Do you ever think about drinking? Like, I just. On a regular day.

[A]

Am I thinking about it right now?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

No.

[B]

Like you. Are you planning on when you're gonna drink next?

[A]

No.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

No.

[B]

Incredible. That's the difference between you and I. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think. Right. I think you do that. Right, Carlos? Think about it every morning. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Drinking, literally.

[B]

You think about it. Drugs, anything. That's what the sick. That's what sucks out about having alcoholism. Is it? I don't have it now because it's been lifted from me, but it's like, I just remember back in the day, you're like, you're planning it, like at 9, I'm gonna do it. You know what I mean? And you don't do that. It's.

[A]

I don't. I don't. I mean, I do look forward to it when I am gonna do it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because I love drinking.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Like, I know. But I also am at an age now when I know. Not like, look, I'm traveling tomorrow. I'm not. I don't want to have a drink tonight. I don't want to get on a plane hungover and tired and blah, blah, blah. So, like, my drinking is very planned now just because of my age. When I was young. When I was McCone's age, it didn't even matter. I could get drunk till 3 in the morning, get on a 7am flight and not even think about it. He can do that.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

He's 25 years old.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah, but like now is it my age? It just, it just sucks. Like it's.

[B]

It's beginning to happen. My body falling apart. My hands, which.

[A]

What's wrong with your hands?

[B]

Why are you laughing? You look skinny from this angle. Thank you. Thank you. My hands hurt so bad.

[A]

Just. Just hurt?

[B]

Yeah, I have arthritis. This hurts.

[A]

Really? Yeah, from video games.

[B]

I don't know what it is.

[A]

Well, video games, right.

[B]

I bought one of those hand things, those little muscle, you know the. No, it's not stress ball. It's like one of those.

[A]

No, he's talking about like a. Yeah, like.

[B]

Like a grip thing.

[A]

Yeah, exactly. Yeah, grip thing.

[B]

I call the grip thing. Yeah. And I've been doing that when I'm watching stuff.

[A]

Yeah, right.

[B]

But it's like it hurts so bad when I like just not hurt. You just feel the cracking and the. Yeah, and there's like, there's a little bit of push and pull.

[A]

Do you. What do you think that could be from. Because you're. You're not like a laborer. You don't use your hands.

[B]

I don't know. I think I'm just getting to the point where I have now arthritis.

[A]

But it has to be caused from something. Usually you just get old and get out.

[B]

My grandma has that.

[A]

Your grandma's your Grandma. You. He's 50 years old. He's not your grandma's age.

[B]

No, but I talked to other comics and they go, I have that too.

[A]

Which ones?

[B]

Like if I talk to older people like, you know, like Spade goes my.

[A]

Shoulder and Spade's 100 years old.

[B]

Oh yeah, that's right. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

He died twice.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

It's unbelievable. No, but, but let me say this. Have you thought about taking peptides or testosterone or any of that stuff? Have you talked about. Have you thought about taking testosterone or peptides or.

[B]

I want to see. There's a couple of things I want to see a doctor about, so I think, I think it's one of them.

[A]

Yeah. About this arthritic condition.

[B]

Yeah. Getting like injections or something.

[A]

Dude, do it. I get them in my hip, you know.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah, yeah, because I had that. I have an impingement on my hip and it makes me feel so much. Well, that doesn't help.

[B]

Yeah. So are you not allowed to crack them?

[A]

Sound like bubble wrap.

[B]

I know, that's what I'm saying. It hurts so bad.

[A]

No, no. I looked it up one time. Crack knuckles does not cause any. That's an old wives tale.

[B]

So it doesn't cause anything.

[A]

It doesn't it's just air between your knuckles. But. But they made you feel. When you were a kid, it was like, you do that too much, you're going to blah. You know, whatever the. Yeah, you do that too much, you might end up gay, you know. And I was. Or like try me, dad.

[B]

Yeah. Or they say that it's going to give you masturbate. Is going to give you hair on your palms.

[A]

I shave every morning.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What was that? You're going to get hair on your palms if you jerk off.

[B]

Yeah, somebody said that.

[A]

So weird.

[B]

I know.

[A]

What? And you're going to go blind if you jerk off too much.

[B]

Yeah, right.

[A]

Wasn' that one of them? Oh no. Stand in front of the TV too close.

[B]

Yeah, too close.

[A]

Well, if you're jerking off with the TV too close, you go blind and you get hairy hands.

[B]

My, my dad would make up wise tales if you watch TV too close. Go. I'm gonna die. I was like. And I was like, she died already. You did.

[A]

You enjoy Nick at night?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Grandma gonna die because I tell you that one story. Tgif.

[B]

So one night I used to stay up late to watch. Like if I knew there was like a stand up on a tonight show.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So as a kid I would sneak up so we. This one room where the gigantic TV was. And then my parents, I could. I could hear them come in. Right. So I hop behind the couch and they put in a VCR of a Korean porn. Porn.

[A]

No way.

[B]

I swear to God.

[A]

You watch your parents?

[B]

No, no, I had to go hi. Because I. I got to. They were kissing and stuff like on the cheeks and they're like cousin cozying up.

[A]

Whoa.

[B]

Right. And I went hi. I got in so much trouble.

[A]

Yeah, I would have beat the out of you too.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Now this, all this golf club thing makes sense.

[B]

Yeah. But wait, what do you mean?

[A]

What do you. Get out of here. I beat you too. Me and your mom are trying to hook up.

[B]

Yeah, but what would have happened if I saw them hook up? That'd be way more scarring.

[A]

Maybe.

[B]

Oh, you like? You like? You know, I mean that would have been so bad.

[A]

Take it that dick.

[B]

Have you ever seen your parents?

[A]

No.

[B]

Would that scar you?

[A]

They've never had sex.

[B]

Yes, they have.

[A]

No, I would say, would that scar you? Oh my God. Yeah. I've never heard. I've never heard. I've never seen it. I heard what I thought was it.

[B]

Oh my God.

[A]

No, but I don't know.

[B]

What'd you hear?

[A]

Well, I was so young, right? I heard.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

But I was such a young kid. I don't. But other than that. No, I've never. It never had a. I mean, my mom walked in on me. My mom walked in on me in high school getting a blowjob.

[B]

By who?

[A]

This guy from school?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Marcos. No, this. My high school girlfriend was giving me head.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

And literally, my mom walked in, and I didn't know what. I've said this before on a show.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I couldn't say anything. So all that came out was, close the door. You said, yeah, yeah. And she was. She was like, oh, my God. Oh, Andrew. And then shut the door.

[B]

And did she yell at you for swearing?

[A]

Not in the moment.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

But then I said my.

[B]

Did you ever use that kind of language?

[A]

And my girlfriend was so embarrassed. She was like, what the. Dude, what the. You didn't lock the door? And I was like, I thought I locked the door. And she was like, dude, I have to walk out of your house now.

[B]

Oh, my God, that's embarrassing.

[A]

And so then I. Then we sat there for a second, and I was still hard. And I was like, you think?

[B]

No. Really?

[A]

You think you could finish?

[B]

See, that's the kind of stuff I.

[A]

Might as well come if I've already busted.

[B]

Dude, I didn't get that in high school.

[A]

What, the different head?

[B]

No, I never hooked up with anybody.

[A]

You never got head in high school?

[B]

Nope.

[A]

Never once.

[B]

23 is when I got laid.

[A]

What about that guy you blew in high school?

[B]

Okay, well, I mean, that's not the same thing.

[A]

Wait. That's the same.

[B]

Thank you for being a bad friend.

[A]

D.