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Bobby Lee
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Andrew Santino
You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? You two are disgusting. Oh, you two are something. We're bad friends.
Bobby Lee
Yeah, yeah. Let's complain to the guys in the booth about this. Go make a video.
Andrew Santino
Yeah, yeah. Or. Or maybe, you know, go up on stage. You know what I mean? Huh? We have work ethic, you know? You know, you don't. And stop complaining then. You know, it's your generation, dude. I mean, we're gritty, dude.
Bobby Lee
We are.
Andrew Santino
Yeah. We. We click, click, right? You know what that is?
Bobby Lee
Click, click. What's that?
Andrew Santino
My check at work. I'm checking in the work at the factory.
Bobby Lee
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Andrew Santino
Did you hear that? Click, click, right? And then you go, hello, Supervisor Monroe. They go, hello there. You know what I mean, Lineman.
Bobby Lee
Look at this.
Andrew Santino
What are you doing? Why do you have that?
Bobby Lee
That's. And seat.
Andrew Santino
Oh, really? Oh, yeah, yeah.
Bobby Lee
It sucks.
Andrew Santino
Oh, it sucks. You want to switch?
Bobby Lee
No, no, no. I want to.
Andrew Santino
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Bobby Lee
What Andrew likes.
Andrew Santino
Yeah. Anyway, you click, click, click.
Bobby Lee
Opens up his butt.
Andrew Santino
Okay, I know he has back. He has backaches.
Bobby Lee
Oh, my God.
Andrew Santino
He has a spinal dead disc. He's a gay disc. He has a little gay discs in his back.
Bobby Lee
He's a gay.
Andrew Santino
They're dismantled. What a crybaby, huh?
Bobby Lee
He really is.
Andrew Santino
Well, what did he hit his head on? The toilet, remember? Yeah, like a crybaby.
Bobby Lee
How do you hit his head on the toilet?
Andrew Santino
He got all woozy, like, oh, I'm redheaded. I get woozy, you know? I mean, he falls over is so good. Wait, what's mine? The Vietnamese one. What's yours? A white man's one.
Bobby Lee
Mine is. Dude, oat milk.
Andrew Santino
Because Andrew's not here. You're going to chop. I like it. Yeah.
Bobby Lee
What did it say?
Andrew Santino
I can't do this today, man. I'm so tired.
Bobby Lee
Oh, my God, it's raining.
Andrew Santino
Hold on, hold on, hold on.
Bobby Lee
What? Oh, my God.
Andrew Santino
Definitely not. Andrew's out here.
Bobby Lee
Oh, my God. So you'll be yelling at that.
Andrew Santino
Does he not?
Bobby Lee
Let. See, here's what's good about Me and you do the pod. I'll let you be you. I won't keep you in the cage.
Andrew Santino
I know, because when I do that, he doesn't like it.
Bobby Lee
He doesn't like it.
Andrew Santino
He's an oppressor dude.
Bobby Lee
Yes. Yeah.
Andrew Santino
Dude. I'm gonna say this right now, dude. I've had enough of him setting the rules. It's all about him, dude. Are you gonna do it this time? You have to do it this or you're not doing it. You know what I mean? He gets mad and he does it.
Bobby Lee
And he does it all while sitting on a seesaw. Yeah, he's like this y.
Andrew Santino
Like a seahorse.
Bobby Lee
Yeah, he's like a seahorse.
Andrew Santino
Yeah. Seahorse seesaw.
Bobby Lee
It's like a bike without us.
Andrew Santino
Yeah.
Bobby Lee
Like.
Andrew Santino
No, you don't. Shut up, all right? You shut up.
Bobby Lee
I can't believe that's what he does. All right.
Andrew Santino
You beg.
Bobby Lee
I love when now every time I see a clip of Andrew when he's like yelling or getting mad at being a tough guy.
Andrew Santino
I know, right?
Bobby Lee
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
Oh, but your backwards. But you could play golf all day.
Bobby Lee
Exactly.
Andrew Santino
I mean, what kind of golf are you playing, dude?
Bobby Lee
Scumbag.
Andrew Santino
Scumbag golf. You don't play golf, do you?
Bobby Lee
No.
Andrew Santino
I know why.
Bobby Lee
Why?
Andrew Santino
Because you're a man.
Bobby Lee
Yes.
Andrew Santino
You're a real man.
Bobby Lee
I'm not going to do. I've.
Andrew Santino
Me either.
Bobby Lee
I've made a decision.
Andrew Santino
I'm not going to do what other people do.
Bobby Lee
I'm not going to do the things that will advance my career. I'm not.
Andrew Santino
Get that back.
Bobby Lee
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
Say it again.
Bobby Lee
I'm not.
Andrew Santino
You're not going to.
Bobby Lee
You. I'm not going to play golf.
Andrew Santino
Or what? What?
Bobby Lee
Ball.
Chris Distefano
Ball.
Andrew Santino
Or what? What we do? What do we do?
Bobby Lee
What do we.
Andrew Santino
What we do? What do you and I do?
Bobby Lee
Kiss on the lips at the bar.
Andrew Santino
We also read Kierkegaard.
Bobby Lee
Yes.
Andrew Santino
We. Philosophical books.
Bobby Lee
Hold on. We read the Arkagard.
Andrew Santino
Yeah. Watch Kurosawa films.
Bobby Lee
Curacao films.
Andrew Santino
Yeah, yeah.
Bobby Lee
We meditate.
Andrew Santino
We meditate, dude. Meditate with our dicks out.
Bobby Lee
Yes.
Andrew Santino
We.
Bobby Lee
We meditate a lot. We go for walks.
Andrew Santino
Yeah. And take your pants down. Oh. You know what I did yesterday, my friend? I was in the green room before you got there. Right. There was all guys in there. I just pulled my penis out.
Bobby Lee
Good.
Andrew Santino
Yeah. And everyone laughed.
Bobby Lee
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
Yeah. Like the old days.
Bobby Lee
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
Yeah. Kierkegaard comedy.
Bobby Lee
They laugh, dude. It's Kierkegaard comedy.
Andrew Santino
It's existential philosophical comedy, dude. You have to think about it. And ponder. Dude, people don't ponder anymore, Stefanskis. They don't ponder anymore. Dysto.
Bobby Lee
Let's ponder.
Andrew Santino
I know, dude.
Bobby Lee
What did you ponder about today?
Andrew Santino
I was able to follow you last night. Yeah, that's what I'm pondering, dude. I was scared. Yeah, you know, I mean, you're a Madison Square Garden comic now.
Bobby Lee
Yeah, allegedly.
Andrew Santino
Allegedly, dude.
Bobby Lee
Allegedly. We'll see what happens. Check your news feed.
Andrew Santino
Yes. So, great lineup last night.
Bobby Lee
I really was. I like doing comedy here.
Andrew Santino
You remember. Hi. You remember her?
Bobby Lee
Ruby. Ruby.
Andrew Santino
Ruby Tuesday.
Bobby Lee
Rudy.
Andrew Santino
Rudy.
Bobby Lee
Ruby. Cake.
Andrew Santino
Ruby Cake.
Bobby Lee
Hello.
Andrew Santino
Oh, she's putting makeup on. Yeah. Wow.
Bobby Lee
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
This is a Tiger bellies. You don't do. Yeah.
Bobby Lee
Oh, wow.
Andrew Santino
Yeah. Yeah, but for bad friends. Look at her.
Bobby Lee
She was coming.
Andrew Santino
I knew she was coming.
Bobby Lee
Hello.
Andrew Santino
Yeah, hello.
Bobby Lee
Welcome again.
Andrew Santino
What's. Wait, wait, what's the name?
Jules
The Stefano.
Andrew Santino
Yeah. Have you ever seen him online?
Jules
Sometimes.
Andrew Santino
Yeah. He pops up.
Jules
I see you. The tubbywear.
Bobby Lee
Oh, Tupperware.
Andrew Santino
Yeah. What's that?
Bobby Lee
I've done. I mispronounced the word Tupperware on my old podcast, hey Babe with Salvo Kano. And that's the thing that went viral. Not the jokes that I've written.
Andrew Santino
I know. That's the things that go viral. You. You can't plan.
Bobby Lee
And I get. I have to do comedy shows and people bring Tupperware and I sign them.
Andrew Santino
Yeah.
Bobby Lee
Accomplished comedian.
Andrew Santino
Yeah. Yeah.
Bobby Lee
Like that. Yeah.
Andrew Santino
What was the bit? I don't ever see that.
Bobby Lee
I just mispronounced the word Tupperware because I thought it was T U B B E R. That's so funny. But it was top.
Andrew Santino
Yeah.
Bobby Lee
I didn't know that. Yeah.
Andrew Santino
Yeah. I don't want to see it.
Bobby Lee
But you know, what happened was. Is. Is the gay community on Tick Tock. I swear to God. They started coming out to their parents. They started doing like, all like, you know, like, Tick Tock. You could take the audio. They started coming out to their parents with the Tupperware video and that's what made it super viral.
Andrew Santino
Oh, whoa.
Bobby Lee
They would do that.
Andrew Santino
They would come out like, I'm gay. I'm Tupperware.
Bobby Lee
I don' I don't know.
Andrew Santino
I'm gay. What is it?
Bobby Lee
I don't know.
Andrew Santino
Yeah, that's pretty good.
Bobby Lee
But this whole thing. And then it went viral.
Andrew Santino
Yeah.
Bobby Lee
Little buttholes and all.
Andrew Santino
Your relationship with Sell good.
Bobby Lee
Of course.
Andrew Santino
But you end it then you. Will you do it? Are you done with him?
Bobby Lee
No. Well, we just stopped the pod. We were both. He was. He was going Back on tour. Impractical joker, started again. I'm a gambler, so I'm addicted to losing.
Andrew Santino
Right.
Bobby Lee
I like to lose it, get it back, lose it, get it back, lose it, get it back. I say I cancel the show. I put it back.
Andrew Santino
Now you're back with yon.
Bobby Lee
Back with.
Andrew Santino
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Bobby Lee
I'll stop and put it back.
Andrew Santino
Yeah, yeah. He's so happy that no Yana shout.
Bobby Lee
Out history Ian is because that is was. I finally found a place too for me to just be so wild on the Patreon there. Yeah. Just say what I want, do what I want.
Andrew Santino
Yeah. And you like to say wild things, huh?
Bobby Lee
I like to say wild things. But I kept getting demonetized.
Andrew Santino
Yeah.
Bobby Lee
So now I don't.
Andrew Santino
If you were at a zoo, let me ask you a question. You're at a zoom. You'd have fall into a pit. Okay. Animal pit. Right.
Bobby Lee
Okay.
Andrew Santino
You have chimps. Would you rather fall in the chimps, hyenas or. The third one's a good one. Joe Rogan zombie.
Bobby Lee
Oh, I would say if I wanted to out of all them.
Andrew Santino
Yeah, yeah.
Bobby Lee
I would say Joe Rogan zombie.
Andrew Santino
There's no way.
Bobby Lee
No. Yes.
Andrew Santino
He would eat your face and then do push ups with your body.
Bobby Lee
Because you know what I travel with. No, no, because I would know how to distract him. You know what I travel with on it Kettlebells.
Andrew Santino
Oh yeah, yeah.
Bobby Lee
Kettlebells. Yeah, that's good company. The on it kettlebells.
Andrew Santino
Right, right.
Bobby Lee
So I would take one of his on it kettlebells right as like a gorilla head and I put it in the corner and.
Andrew Santino
Right.
Bobby Lee
And I run the other way.
Andrew Santino
That's a good one.
Bobby Lee
Because the hyenas will eat you alive. That's what they like to do. They like to eat from the feet first. No, they'll eat you alive. I'm so rip your head off.
Andrew Santino
I'll tell you my logic with the hyenas though. Tell me you want to hear my. You know about hyenas because you. What do you know about them?
Bobby Lee
Their.
Andrew Santino
That merger promoting Bible. Yeah, yeah. You know he just converted. Do you know that?
Bobby Lee
I just want to say something.
Andrew Santino
Yeah, yeah. He wants to say he has a message.
Bobby Lee
I just want to say he has.
Andrew Santino
A message for you.
Bobby Lee
During Jechemiah's reign, Nebus Nazar, this is N U B U C H. Nebus, King of Babylon attacked and Je Kamaka became his vassal for three years. Then Jehomah turned and rebelled against him. The lord loosed against him bands of Chaldin Arites and Ammonites. He unleashed them against Judah to destroy him according to the Lord's word, spoken through his servants, the prophets.
Andrew Santino
Yeah.
Bobby Lee
This befell Judah because the Lord had stated that he would put them out of his sight for the sins Manassa had committed in all that he did. And especially because of the innocent blood, because the J.
Andrew Santino
Right. Were cousins.
Bobby Lee
And then, you know what happened?
Andrew Santino
Johan.
Bobby Lee
The rest of the.
Andrew Santino
Johan had something to do with it.
Bobby Lee
The rest of the Acts of Jehukim.
Andrew Santino
Right. Was. He was like Judas at that time.
Bobby Lee
Yes.
Andrew Santino
Right. But then, like, Job.
Bobby Lee
Right.
Jules
Who's your mama?
Andrew Santino
That's. Exactly. That's the mystery. And that's what we're all asking. And theologians.
Bobby Lee
Right, right.
Andrew Santino
And religious people are always asking that question.
Bobby Lee
The wicked have been corrupt since liars from the liar may have gone astray. Their venom.
Andrew Santino
Yeah.
Bobby Lee
It's like the venom of a snake. Like that of a serpent chopping its ears.
Andrew Santino
Wow. Let me read you my favorite.
Bobby Lee
Yeah, I'll read you my favorite.
Andrew Santino
My favorite, too. Oh, you want to go, dude? Here we go. Oh, my favorite. Par. Do. Pharaoh's broken arm. Okay.
Bobby Lee
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
Oh, the seventh day of the first month in the 11th year, and I was 14 years old then.
Bobby Lee
Really?
Andrew Santino
By the way, a little side note. Oh, okay. And that's when I lost my virginity at 14. I was molested.
Bobby Lee
Yes.
Andrew Santino
Same thing. I have broken the arm of Pharaoh. Oh, King of the Egypt.
Bobby Lee
Why do you do that?
Andrew Santino
Let me. Let me finish that. This. God damn it.
Bobby Lee
C, King of Egypt.
Andrew Santino
C, dude. It has not been immobilized for healing, nor set with a splint to make it strong enough to grasp a sword. And when they say sword, they mean dick.
Bobby Lee
Yes.
Andrew Santino
Back then, you know, I mean, the sword is a symbol.
Bobby Lee
Yes.
Andrew Santino
Of dick. It's a parable, dude. You know what I mean? And you can't grasp yours. You have to use two fingers. Right? We grasp. Yeah, we grasp.
Bobby Lee
Carlos has a little dick.
Andrew Santino
No, no, this is poor. Yeah, yeah. Fancy pork.
Bobby Lee
Yeah, but it's Spanish. It's okay if it's little.
Andrew Santino
I know, but he drew stuff with three fingers.
Bobby Lee
Really? He does? Yeah, yeah, like a fully erect, like, one hand.
Andrew Santino
Yeah. And I don't know, you got your wife pregnant, but that's a mystery with style.
Bobby Lee
Are you having a baby style? You had a baby already?
Andrew Santino
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You just jam the gummy in your gummy penis into their vag.
Bobby Lee
Wow.
Andrew Santino
So gross.
Bobby Lee
How old is the baby? Two.
Andrew Santino
Yeah.
Bobby Lee
Years old and. Okay, nice.
Andrew Santino
Jules, would you read Chris to Stefano our. Our Guest, A parable of your choosing.
Bobby Lee
Please. Please. Thank you. Yeah, go ahead. There you go. Jesus is among us all. Remember that.
Andrew Santino
Yes.
Bobby Lee
There it is.
Jules
Usurpation of Athalia. When Athalia, the mother of Ajia, saw that her son was dead, she began to kill off the whole royal family of the house of Judah.
Andrew Santino
You're very excited about that.
Bobby Lee
That is fun.
Andrew Santino
Yeah. Yeah. But anyway, what'd you learn from that parable, Jules?
Jules
That it's okay to kill your family.
Andrew Santino
No, that's not what the parable was. Somebody killed a daughter. Right. And then she killed the royal family. Oh, that. Her family.
Jules
It's okay to kill your rival.
Andrew Santino
That's great. That's very. Is it. Is it okay?
Bobby Lee
I think in certain instances, it's okay.
Andrew Santino
So I can kill Ronny Cheng?
Bobby Lee
Yes.
Andrew Santino
Okay.
Bobby Lee
Yeah, I thought you did.
Andrew Santino
So, Jimmy Oyang? Ronnie Chang.
Bobby Lee
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
Dr. Ken. They're on my.
Bobby Lee
Margaret.
Andrew Santino
Yeah. Who are your rivals that you're going to kill?
Bobby Lee
Who am I going to kill? I'm going to kill Schultz. No, no, I want to kill Schultz. I don't kill black people.
Andrew Santino
Okay.
Bobby Lee
I would kill. I don't really have, like, a. Like a rival who's like me. I mean, I don't know. Who would I kill? Just because maybe I'd kill.
Andrew Santino
I think kills are harsh. Let's. Let's. Let's. Let's reframe.
Bobby Lee
Kill. Funny.
Andrew Santino
Okay. Okay. That's not funny. You edit that part out. I don't like it. It's a play on words I don't like.
Bobby Lee
Yeah, you don't like it. Right?
Andrew Santino
Right. So how about this? Okay? You're in an elevator.
Bobby Lee
Okay?
Andrew Santino
You see people running to get in. It's closing.
Bobby Lee
Okay.
Andrew Santino
Sometimes you put your hand in.
Bobby Lee
Right, right.
Andrew Santino
To stop it.
Bobby Lee
Right.
Andrew Santino
But who would you let it close?
Bobby Lee
Who would I let it.
Andrew Santino
Who's close? Would you close on.
Bobby Lee
Right in front of their face?
Andrew Santino
So what I would do, I'll just. And this. And it has nothing to do with how I feel about them. I just would just do it for a laugh.
Bobby Lee
Who would you do?
Andrew Santino
Fortune Fumster. All right, so you're an elevator. Now, would you. Who would you. Who's running toward. Yeah, yeah.
Bobby Lee
Sprinting towards me. Yeah, yeah. I would let it close on Fahima more. Why? Just because I saw him last night and I love it. Yeah. And.
Andrew Santino
Yeah, yeah.
Bobby Lee
And I would. I would just yell, so.
Andrew Santino
Because he would. I'll tell you why.
Bobby Lee
You look at his eyes, and I would say, never Forget.
Andrew Santino
Right. Oh, nine, 11.
Bobby Lee
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Andrew Santino
Yeah.
Bobby Lee
9 11. Yeah, yeah.
Andrew Santino
No, I like it.
Bobby Lee
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
Yeah.
Bobby Lee
But I like. Because I love.
Andrew Santino
Right. But so here. Here's the thing. The reason I would do it to him is he wouldn't be. Even when he's mad, he's not mad.
Bobby Lee
No.
Andrew Santino
He's too nice.
Bobby Lee
And he was with a beautiful girl last night.
Andrew Santino
Oh, my. Holy moly.
Bobby Lee
Is that his girlfriend?
Andrew Santino
I guess it's a girl that he is seeing.
Bobby Lee
She's beautiful.
Andrew Santino
Holy moly.
Bobby Lee
Holy.
Andrew Santino
I hugged her so hard last night. I hugged her so hard. And I think he called me at one in the morning. I sort of got. And I didn't pick up because I think it's about the hog.
Bobby Lee
Because you hugged her and then you were bubbling from the other spit bubbles in your.
Andrew Santino
No, we did a head. Like. Here's what we did. A side hug.
Bobby Lee
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
But then her head hit my head.
Bobby Lee
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
And we touched heads like this. Right. And I think we. Our head's.
Bobby Lee
You.
Andrew Santino
Yeah, yeah. Because I did come.
Bobby Lee
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Andrew Santino
I did come. Right. So she went. I went. Right. And then I saw his, like, you know. You know how Afghans get. Or whatever. You know what I mean?
Bobby Lee
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
You get sand crazy.
Bobby Lee
They do. They really do.
Andrew Santino
It gets sand crazy, dude. Right, right, right. And they start thinking of crazy things, you know, I mean, like taking a bag and putting some sort of contraption in it and just putting on the side of the road.
Bobby Lee
Right.
Andrew Santino
They could stand. Crazy dude. Right. So what I'm saying.
Bobby Lee
Do you think when he's her, he has to take off his C4? Or do you think he.
Andrew Santino
Yeah, yeah.
Bobby Lee
Does it with him?
Andrew Santino
Yeah. You know, I envision him putting a mask. Right. Having a pole. Right. And then having someone dress like Luke Skywalker. He's got, you know. I mean.
Bobby Lee
Oh, God.
Andrew Santino
You remember that movie?
Bobby Lee
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
Did the New Hope.
Bobby Lee
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
On Tatooine.
Bobby Lee
Why are we attacking?
Andrew Santino
He's a great guy. My point is.
Bobby Lee
And he's got a beautiful girl.
Andrew Santino
So we had. We. Yeah, we hit. We hit heads.
Bobby Lee
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
I came. Right. He called at 1 in the morning. Right. And I didn't pick up because I knew that's what it was about.
Bobby Lee
Right.
Andrew Santino
Like, why'd you. My girl's head.
Bobby Lee
What? But maybe it wasn't about that. It couldn't.
Andrew Santino
Should I call him?
Bobby Lee
Call him.
Andrew Santino
All right.
Bobby Lee
What do you think?
Andrew Santino
Should I call him?
Bobby Lee
He's also a very handsome man.
Andrew Santino
He's a handsome.
Bobby Lee
He's on snl.
Andrew Santino
He auditioned or. I don't know.
Bobby Lee
He should do it.
Andrew Santino
But he's. He's. Not only should do it, he the best writer on the west coast. Very.
Bobby Lee
One of the funniest comics ever, too.
Andrew Santino
Yeah. Yeah. So. Right.
Bobby Lee
Handsome man.
Andrew Santino
What a Beheme at 12:11. He called. So what do you want to talk about? I don't know. I didn't pick up.
Bobby Lee
You know, you actually don't pick up a lot, and it's.
Andrew Santino
I never pick up. I love it.
Bobby Lee
And I also have something to talk to you about, too, after.
Andrew Santino
Okay, good. All right. What is the thing that you want to talk to me about?
Bobby Lee
There was an episode you guys did two weeks ago, three weeks ago, when the fires were happening, and then you checked in on each person. You.
Andrew Santino
You. Wait, stop, stop, stop. Wait, wait, wait. Please. Don't you want to do it?
Bobby Lee
Yeah, I do.
Andrew Santino
Because I want to say to people right now, I have empathy, great empathy for the people that lost their homes.
Jules
You're letting me stay in your house?
Andrew Santino
I'm letting you stay at my house because of the fire.
Bobby Lee
Right.
Andrew Santino
Because Kalila's house was in Altadena, and it's. It. You. They still can't get there.
Bobby Lee
Right.
Andrew Santino
So the dogs and June and you can stay at my house forever.
Bobby Lee
Right. Okay, so Kalila's house was set on fire.
Andrew Santino
It got saved, but they can't go into the area.
Bobby Lee
Got it.
Andrew Santino
Okay.
Bobby Lee
Okay.
Andrew Santino
Because of the lead. What? Because of looters? No, Carlos. What?
Bobby Lee
What?
Andrew Santino
I'm just asking. No looters, man. Okay. I'm asking why you can't go back. Because of the fucking chemicals and stuff that's in the air, man. Oh, chemicals, man. Yeah. So anyway, so then what happened?
Bobby Lee
So I. I was. I. I texted. I texted, I listened.
Andrew Santino
You're. You're in New York, and I'm in.
Bobby Lee
New York, and I hear this episode. Everyone. Andrew and Bobby are going. Who reached out to them and. And I reached out to Andrew, and I have proof of that text and I reached out to Bobby and I have proof of that text on Friday, January 10th.
Andrew Santino
And I said that you didn't.
Bobby Lee
The day after the fires, you said, I did it. I said, hey, babe, how are you? Checking in on fires. I love you is what I said to him. And then two hours later, he sent me back the text that said, not great, followed by this picture of an Asian man burning himself alive in a. In a protest of Vietnam. And that's what I was sent. And then. And then I wrote, I love you. And then he said, love you too, bro.
Andrew Santino
You know, we just have for you to read another passage.
Bobby Lee
One more. One More.
Andrew Santino
God damn.
Bobby Lee
One more.
Andrew Santino
And that's gotta get back on track.
Bobby Lee
I like reading the New Testament.
Andrew Santino
Yeah, yeah.
Bobby Lee
Okay, let me say you, parable 58. Cry out full throated and unsparingly.
Andrew Santino
Oh, that's enough.
Bobby Lee
Lift up your voice.
Andrew Santino
That's enough. I already know your voice.
Bobby Lee
Like a trumpet blast.
Andrew Santino
Whoa. I know what trumpet means.
Bobby Lee
Proclaim to my people their transgression to the house of Jacob. Their sins. Like a nation that has done what just. And not abandon the judgment of their God. They ask of me just judgments. They desire to draw near God. Why do we fast? But yet you do not see it. Why do we fast? Afflict ourselves, but you take no note. See, on your fast you carry out your own pursuits and drive all your labor. Labors. See? You fast only to quarrel and fight and to strike with a wicked fist. Do not fast as you do today to make your voice heard on high. Is this the manner of fasting I would choose?
Andrew Santino
What does that mean? They don't eat the big back then.
Bobby Lee
They use the intermittent fasting. I use called.
Andrew Santino
Yeah, yeah. Was there a Karen Carpenter back in the day? Oh, what is a Karen Carpenter back in that time, huh?
Bobby Lee
Who's Karen Carpenter?
Andrew Santino
You don't know Karen Carpenter?
Bobby Lee
I know Sabrina Carpenter. I went to her.
Andrew Santino
Am I saying Karen Carpenter wrong? No, you're saying it correct. Yeah, yeah. How do you not know who Karen Carpenter is?
Bobby Lee
Look, because I only know. I only know Sabrina Carpenter. Oh, yeah, I went to her concert.
Andrew Santino
Out of the Carpenters.
Bobby Lee
Yeah. I went to a concert with my family and my family left and I.
Andrew Santino
Said it was a band called the Carpenters and she was a drummer and.
Bobby Lee
A singer and Jesus's father was a Carpenter.
Andrew Santino
Yeah. And she died from bulimia.
Bobby Lee
From bulimia? Yeah.
Andrew Santino
And I was trying to make a little. Try to riff on something and you didn't know. So now it's kind of just. It was a dead end.
Bobby Lee
I'm sorry. Hold on.
Jules
Hear me like you like Sabrina Carpenter.
Bobby Lee
I love Sabrina. Oh, here we go. Friends.
Andrew Santino
Friends.
Bobby Lee
Give me that. Me Simone. Espresso. That's. That me.
Andrew Santino
Espresso.
Bobby Lee
I think, and I'll say it off air. I think. I think we have a. We have a friend who I think did a little with her.
Andrew Santino
No, really.
Bobby Lee
I know a guy, you know, I know a lot with her.
Andrew Santino
We know a lot of guys. Here's a little secret. Everyone listening. Okay, tell us. We've had people on this show, right? Unknown comics, almost, right? People that are like, really right. That have hooked up with super famous Celebrities.
Bobby Lee
Jeff Die.
Andrew Santino
We can never, we can never announce here.
Bobby Lee
Jeff Dye. Jeff Dye.
Andrew Santino
Like crazy thing like I know Jeff Die. It's close. But like crazy things like that. But if I said it now, it would cause so much ruckus and chaos.
Bobby Lee
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
And I've never, I've never hooked up with an A list celebrity actress. Shopify.
Chris Distefano
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Andrew Santino
We have an online business here. We use Shopify. Nobody does selling better than Shopify. True home of the number one checkout on the planet and the not so secret secret with shop pay that boosts conversions up to 50%.
Chris Distefano
That's way less carts going abandoned and way more sales going cha ching through the roof. If you're into growing your business, your commerce platform better be ready to sell wherever your customers are scrolling. Whenever, wherever. On the web, in your store, in their feed, everywhere in between.
Andrew Santino
Business that sell more sell on Shopify. Upgrade your business and get the same checkout as Aloe and all birds.
Chris Distefano
That's right. Sign up for your $1 per month trial period@shopify.com Bad Friends all lowercase. Go to shopify.com Bad Friends to upgrade your selling today.
Andrew Santino
Shopify.com Bad Friends sold.
Chris Distefano
Hey.
Andrew Santino
Hey.
Chris Distefano
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Andrew Santino
Ryan Reynolds here from Mint Mobile with a message for everyone paying big wireless way too much. Please, for the love of everything good.
Chris Distefano
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Bobby Lee
See full terms@mintmobile.com your data is like gold to hackers. They're selling your passwords, bank details and private messages. McAfee helps stop them. Secure VPN keeps your online activity private. AI powered tech scam detector spots phishing attempts instantly. And with award winning antivirus, you get top tier hacker protection. Plus you'll get up to $2 million in identity theft coverage. All for just $39.99 for your first year. Visit McAfee.com, cancel anytime terms apply. Have you ever seen hermaphrodite up close?
Andrew Santino
You know, I don't want to Google it because I don't think we can show it, but can you describe it to me?
Bobby Lee
Okay, so when I.
Andrew Santino
So let me. Okay. Hermaphrodite is this. Let me.
Bobby Lee
Sure.
Andrew Santino
The. The definition.
Bobby Lee
Do it, do it, do it.
Andrew Santino
Is a her hermaphrodex. Somebody that was born with both genitals.
Bobby Lee
With both genitals.
Andrew Santino
Are they combined?
Bobby Lee
They can be. There's a whole array of hermaphrodites.
Andrew Santino
Now. Which kind would you want to be?
Bobby Lee
So I'd want to be.
Andrew Santino
I. I want to be combined.
Bobby Lee
Combined.
Andrew Santino
I want to be combined.
Bobby Lee
I want to be mostly with a little dick. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Andrew Santino
I want to be. And the Be my dick.
Bobby Lee
I want. You know what? I want to be.
Andrew Santino
So I. I want to two on one.
Bobby Lee
I want to have. I want to have a full. And just balls, no penis.
Andrew Santino
Oh, really? Really? Or. Or I want to have the penis. Right. And have the whole of the Penis. Be a. Yeah.
Bobby Lee
Oh, yeah.
Andrew Santino
Yeah.
Bobby Lee
Great.
Andrew Santino
So you only, like, you know, like little rodents and things. I could it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Bobby Lee
So you're saying, like, you have a full penis, but just the end is a puzzle.
Andrew Santino
Yep. It's shaped like. But it's not the hole that we have. Right. It has the actual, like, labia and the. But it's miniature.
Bobby Lee
Well, what if you have a penis.
Andrew Santino
And both fraggles like a fraggle from a fraggle Rock and come back if.
Bobby Lee
You have a full. What if you have a full penis, but then both balls are just two pussies?
Andrew Santino
Oh, that's cool.
Bobby Lee
Like, you have a penis and that's. What.
Andrew Santino
Are the balls big?
Bobby Lee
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
Okay. Because I want regular size badges on the balls. Right, Right.
Bobby Lee
Right.
Andrew Santino
And then. Right. What you could do is if Britney and What's her name. Abby and Brittany. The twins were lesbians.
Bobby Lee
Yes.
Andrew Santino
That's.
Bobby Lee
That's it.
Andrew Santino
Two for one. So two for two.
Bobby Lee
When I was a.
Andrew Santino
Two for two. Yeah. Yeah.
Bobby Lee
I was a physical therapist. Like, what are we talking about, 15? Well, I'm bringing it up because I was a physical therapist, and there was a hermet. Hermaphrodite who was a patient of ours. But my boss didn't tell me. Okay. It was my second week on the job. Wow. So he. He knew, you know, we're not working in the hospital, whatever. And this person who was hermaphrodite came in. They needed a total knee replacement. So I just thought it was a regular patient. It was like, just look like a regular guy, you know, whatever. And he had. He had total knee replacement. So my boss was like, you know, I want you to do a. I want you to do a pelvic exam as well.
Andrew Santino
I said, true story.
Bobby Lee
It's a true story.
Andrew Santino
Oh, my God.
Bobby Lee
And I said. And I said, what do you mean? And they're, like, standing in the back like this, like, land laugh, you know, like, holding in laughter, because even the guy was in on it, the actual patient. And I said. I said, oh. Pelvic is. Ambide has total knee replacement.
Andrew Santino
What did he look like, this guy?
Bobby Lee
He looked like a normal guy.
Andrew Santino
He looked like Adrien Brody.
Bobby Lee
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
Okay, good.
Bobby Lee
He looked.
Andrew Santino
Yeah, I want him to look like Adrien Brody for some reason.
Bobby Lee
He looked like if you combined Carlos and Fancy.
Andrew Santino
Like, not Adrian Brody. The opposite. Yeah.
Bobby Lee
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
Okay.
Bobby Lee
He looked like if you had. If Carlos his penis and Fancy's pussy.
Andrew Santino
Yeah.
Bobby Lee
So. So. So we go. So we go. I say pelvic exam. Okay. And. And I saw it Go. You know, doing, like, my little pelvic exam above the robe. And my boss is, no, you need to disrobe. He's given permission. And I said, oh, okay, sir.
Andrew Santino
And is it a goo. It's a trick. No, you're just real. No, I love it.
Bobby Lee
So I go. So I get them in the proper position for a pelvic exam, lay them down, and it's like a, you know, very medical procedure or whatever.
Andrew Santino
Yeah.
Bobby Lee
And I'm going to do it, and I pull down and I go, oh, my God. Because you pull down and you see a penis. You see the penis? I see the top of the penis. And then right off to the side. Scott. Just a huge pussy coming off his thigh guy.
Andrew Santino
There's no way.
Bobby Lee
I swear to God.
Andrew Santino
You swear to God, A huge.
Bobby Lee
It doesn't work.
Andrew Santino
Why would you go. Oh, my God.
Bobby Lee
Because you don't expect to see a. On the inside of a guy's thumb.
Andrew Santino
You know what it's like? You know, it's in the movie Temple of Doom.
Bobby Lee
Yes.
Andrew Santino
Right. When Kate Capshaw. Right. Is getting that soup.
Bobby Lee
Yes.
Andrew Santino
And she's really hungry.
Bobby Lee
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
She's about to eat it.
Bobby Lee
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
In the eyeball.
Bobby Lee
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
Service. That's what. I'm gonna quit it. Holy smoke. Dr. Jones.
Bobby Lee
So I saw it, and then these guys are dying, laughing because.
Andrew Santino
Were you laughing?
Bobby Lee
Yeah. Well, then I started to laugh.
Andrew Santino
Yeah.
Bobby Lee
But I was like, what? You couldn't do that today. Imagine today trying to do that as, like, a goof where it's. You just prank a hermaphrodite.
Andrew Santino
Yeah.
Bobby Lee
That's a new show on True tv.
Andrew Santino
So if I Honestly. Be honest with me. With your. With your heart.
Bobby Lee
Literally.
Andrew Santino
Yeah. Right. Honestly, dude, if I was a hermaphrodite. Okay. And I showed you my vag.
Bobby Lee
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
Okay. And it was like, I'm talking about, like, you know. You know, like Kate Mott. You know, like, I'm talking about, like, you know, I mean, just the perfect.
Bobby Lee
Perfect.
Andrew Santino
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Bobby Lee
Rebel Wilson.
Andrew Santino
Rebel Wilson. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly.
Bobby Lee
I do.
Andrew Santino
Is that. She's in Cats, right?
Bobby Lee
She's hot. Yes.
Andrew Santino
That lady in Cat.
Bobby Lee
Yes.
Andrew Santino
I like her. Her vet. Like, beefy Rebel.
Bobby Lee
Like that.
Andrew Santino
Yeah, yeah. But beefy.
Bobby Lee
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
She looks like a nice, tight b.
Bobby Lee
That's what I was thinking, because she looks like she has a kind of a giant. Yeah.
Andrew Santino
We shouldn't talk like that about women.
Bobby Lee
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
Maybe we respect all women. And. And Jules, we apologize. Right. But let's say it's a very good one.
Bobby Lee
Yes.
Andrew Santino
And I. And I Looked at you and I went, you wanna. You would be honest.
Bobby Lee
So you're saying you have a working vagina? As ofmaphrodite. Yeah, You're. You. You're fully. You just with a vagina.
Andrew Santino
Well, I could. Like half my face.
Bobby Lee
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
You know, I mean, put makeup.
Bobby Lee
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
Yeah.
Bobby Lee
I would do it.
Andrew Santino
It.
Bobby Lee
I would do it. Because you know why? You're hairless. That's what I like. If you were a more hairy guy, I would say no, but I'd like to. I would you. I would. You have no hair. That's what I like about you. You're very, very, very hairless.
Andrew Santino
I wish I can say the same for you.
Bobby Lee
I don't have hair.
Andrew Santino
No, I. I'm. I wouldn't do it with you.
Bobby Lee
I have hair on my legs.
Andrew Santino
But you're too manly. You have all the chin. You have the. You know. I mean, you look just too manly to me.
Bobby Lee
Do you think I'm handsome?
Jules
You look like a Greek God because of your nose.
Bobby Lee
What? Does Santino handsome. Am I more handsome than Andrew Santino? Yes.
Andrew Santino
Yes. Dude. It's not even a dude. That's not even a debate. I mean.
Bobby Lee
So then I should get the show.
Andrew Santino
Like, he. Yeah, he's like.
Bobby Lee
Oh, yeah.
Andrew Santino
And he's handsome at the top of the red spectrum.
Bobby Lee
Right, right, right.
Andrew Santino
But if you take it out.
Bobby Lee
Handsome for a guy, just a white spectrum. Right.
Andrew Santino
It's like special needs.
Bobby Lee
Right, right, right, right, right.
Andrew Santino
Red.
Bobby Lee
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
He's top line.
Bobby Lee
The top. Right.
Andrew Santino
And for little mythological Asian dudes, I feel like I'm top of the line.
Bobby Lee
You really are.
Andrew Santino
Yeah. Yeah.
Bobby Lee
You're right. There's you.
Andrew Santino
Yeah.
Bobby Lee
Jackie. I would.
Andrew Santino
Frodo Baggins.
Bobby Lee
You. Jack. Jackie and Frodo Baggins.
Andrew Santino
Yeah.
Bobby Lee
The panda in the Central Park Zoo.
Andrew Santino
Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Yeah. That I think amongst them in a lineup. Like, you know that thing where they put top pop the balloons? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't think the pandas would pop my balloon. No, they're balloons.
Bobby Lee
No, you're very handsome and you're also very confident. Mike. Jasmine, my girl. Very cute. She loves you. She's love you.
Andrew Santino
It was kind of juicing her up that night at the Hulu party.
Bobby Lee
She loves you.
Andrew Santino
Yeah. I think juicing was the right.
Bobby Lee
You know what?
Andrew Santino
Word to you.
Bobby Lee
This is a pattern with you because you tried to Jasmine's head, too.
Andrew Santino
I did a head thing. I did a head thing.
Bobby Lee
That's what he does.
Andrew Santino
And I did couple. So. Yeah. Thank you.
Bobby Lee
That's how he marks his territory. Because I kissed her on the head. Good night. It smelled like kimchi.
Andrew Santino
Yeah, you're good, dude. Yeah, she's. You know what? Here's. Can I be honest with you? That's what I'm looking.
Bobby Lee
It's beautiful, right?
Andrew Santino
That's what I'm looking for.
Bobby Lee
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
Someone that can. Here's FYI for people out there, okay, that wanna.
Bobby Lee
For women who want to maybe date you.
Andrew Santino
Maybe I'm gonna be my life partner.
Bobby Lee
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
Okay.
Bobby Lee
Respect.
Andrew Santino
That is. It's one thing to be beautiful, cultured.
Bobby Lee
She has. She is beautiful.
Andrew Santino
I don't know, but it's like my daughter, you know? I mean, it's like, you know, like looking at my dogs or whatever. I was like, there it is. But I love you, you know, I love all animals. But my point is, is this. I'm sorry, that's so rude. I apologize. I love you. But what I'm saying is, is that, you know, I'm beauty, right? In culture. Right. But they need to adapt to every social situation, right? I feel like your wife can adapt to social situations. Am I correct or not about that?
Bobby Lee
You're correct about her. And what I love about her after being with her for 10 years.
Andrew Santino
Yeah.
Bobby Lee
What I love about her is she is very loyal and she knows bullshit right away and she knows what people to say, hey, no more with this guy. There's something I don't like about him. And she's right. She's right because she grew up in the hood.
Andrew Santino
What if she said that about me?
Bobby Lee
No, but she knew.
Andrew Santino
I know, but what if she did? Then you would fuck. Stop fucking with me.
Bobby Lee
Yeah. Then I would start fucking with you.
Andrew Santino
Okay?
Bobby Lee
That's what I would do.
Andrew Santino
Okay.
Bobby Lee
I would bring back the Asian hate. Oh, yeah, yeah.
Andrew Santino
From three years ago. Okay, good.
Bobby Lee
Now. Now I listen because, you know, we're engaged now. You know that.
Andrew Santino
Oh, bravo. Congratulations. Will you have a wedding?
Bobby Lee
Yes, we're going to have a wedding.
Andrew Santino
Can I go?
Bobby Lee
Yes, 100%. We got engaged on January 6th. I swear to God.
Andrew Santino
You did.
Bobby Lee
I swear to God.
Andrew Santino
Well, that's a great day. We got holiday.
Bobby Lee
We got engaged on January 6th and then we were going to get married on. On 9 11, but I'm doing the show.
Andrew Santino
Okay, But.
Bobby Lee
But we might just get married at the show.
Andrew Santino
Okay.
Bobby Lee
And. And, and so. So we got engaged because I said, you know what? How long am I going to keep. Keep not committing. How long am I going to keep doing this?
Andrew Santino
We have children with.
Bobby Lee
We have children. And my daughter, you know, the first thing my daughter said when we got Engaged. She said, finally, daddy, we're going to be a real family.
Andrew Santino
Oh. Did you, did you cry?
Bobby Lee
Cried. 100 cried.
Andrew Santino
I don't see you crying.
Bobby Lee
I had to cry in that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I cry. I, I, that, that was, that was something that brought tears. The only times I've cried in the last year, I swear to God, is that moment. And when I rewatched Little Giants from 1994, that, that gets me.
Andrew Santino
Yeah.
Bobby Lee
You ever seen Little Giants?
Andrew Santino
No.
Bobby Lee
The annexation of Puerto Rico.
Andrew Santino
Yeah.
Bobby Lee
That's what I call my family.
Andrew Santino
Yeah. Yeah. Did you really cry during that movie?
Bobby Lee
I swear to God, I really did.
Andrew Santino
Yeah.
Bobby Lee
I really, really cried. And, and, But I cried when my daughter said that, and it made me feel really bad about some of the decisions I've made over the course of my last 10 years of, like, why didn't I just commit to do this with her earlier? What was I afraid of? Because what I've done is I've committed to two people. Jasmine and this guy right here.
Jules
Have you tried eating the body of Christ already?
Bobby Lee
Yes.
Andrew Santino
Oh, he's eaten so many bodies.
Bobby Lee
100% you. I do it because I follow a strict keto diet. He's high protein. I ate his body, but, yeah, I eat the body of Christ. The blood of Christ. I drink the blood.
Andrew Santino
What. What is the body? Is it bread? I've never been to one of those things.
Bobby Lee
It's the Holy Eucharist. It's. It's a wafer that's been blessed by the priest, and it, it, it is the body of Christ. It's a, It's a little wafer, and it's only about 5 calories, according to my fitness pal, so it will not break a fast. And then I have my. And then you drink the blood of Christ.
Andrew Santino
Yeah.
Bobby Lee
Which is wine. Which is just Sutter home wine from the liquor store. Yeah.
Andrew Santino
It's so interesting.
Bobby Lee
Wow.
Andrew Santino
Wow. It's interesting that I been to a church like that.
Bobby Lee
I want you to come to church. You come to our wedding at the church?
Andrew Santino
Yeah, I mean, I'll go to the wedding, but I've never. I know I've been to weddings in a church, but I've never been to, like, a Catholic church where they have the whole.
Bobby Lee
Right.
Andrew Santino
You know, the bread and stuff.
Bobby Lee
I'm going to call Jazz and see if you can come see.
Andrew Santino
Okay. Yeah, I don't think so. Yeah, I don't think so.
Bobby Lee
Let me see. Yeah.
Andrew Santino
Yeah.
Bobby Lee
Hold on. Let's see. She doesn't. I think she literally looks at my call. She Knows that like when I'm on the road, I'm very lonely and I need her. And she looks at the call and hangs up.
Andrew Santino
Yeah. Really?
Bobby Lee
Yeah. Cuz I think you know it is cuz she's an old school woman. She thinks it's weak if I say I'm lonely and I'm depressed. Why don't you snap the out of it and try to sell out your shows? Yeah, because we need that money and I need a new tip.
Andrew Santino
Why, why haven't you. Are you. Is the acting thing not a thing you're gonna do?
Bobby Lee
I've.
Andrew Santino
You're very hand. I mean let's, let's get down to the business at hand. Let's get down to the business's hand. And look at this guy. He's. He's gonna sell out Madison score Guard Martin. Let's be honest.
Bobby Lee
Allegedly.
Andrew Santino
No, you're gonna. Okay, Keep, keep, keep watching September, you know. And I'm gonna do this.
Bobby Lee
There'll be announcement coming soon.
Andrew Santino
Yeah, yeah. You're now a talk show guy. I mean you're on the talk show circuit. Yeah. You just did Kimmel.
Bobby Lee
No, we did Kimmel. And then, and then I got. Edward Norton was on. On YouTube. He got 500000 views. Anthony Mackie on the Week before, he got 250, 000 views. I was on 18,000 views use.
Andrew Santino
That's, that's pretty good though. Compare comparatively speaking.
Bobby Lee
Yep. Yeah, yeah, go on, keep going.
Andrew Santino
All right. And so. And can you act is the question.
Bobby Lee
Yes, I can. I. I work at it.
Andrew Santino
Yeah, yeah.
Bobby Lee
I've went on. On. I've kept track. I've went on 100. The 103 auditions. Yeah, 16. And I've gotten one.
Andrew Santino
Can we chat GBT a script before me and.
Bobby Lee
Yes.
Andrew Santino
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so I think we should do a three way. You know, I mean a scene between us three. I'd like to test your. You know what I mean, your chops.
Bobby Lee
I'm putting my product, Bobby, on a daily basis and the people are saying no. That's what's happened.
Andrew Santino
Okay, Can I say this too? And I want to say this.
Bobby Lee
I'm thankful and fortunate. I do have. But people are saying no.
Andrew Santino
Hey, guy.
Bobby Lee
Relatively. Guy.
Andrew Santino
Okay, Guy. Guy. Let me tell you something. Guy. Dude. There's a disconnect between this and that, between what we do in our ecosystem in Hollywood. Do you understand what I'm saying? If this. There still isn't, you know, I mean a complete direct line is what I'm saying. They think that what We. They don't understand what we do, and we don't quite understand what they do. But we want to do what they do. And they want to do what? Why don't we do it together? You know? I mean. But they won't let it. You know what I mean? That's why you're in. That's why. No, I'm not.
Bobby Lee
You get it? Almost.
Andrew Santino
I've done some stuff. I'm not fully in, though.
Bobby Lee
You're like in, but you're there because you do their laundry. Laundry.
Andrew Santino
Okay. Oh, you did it. More Asian analogy.
Bobby Lee
No.
Andrew Santino
Yeah. Old West. Yes, it's the Old West.
Bobby Lee
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
Oh, I know what it is.
Bobby Lee
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
In the. Let's say you're a cowboy.
Bobby Lee
Yes.
Andrew Santino
Right. And I'm a Chinese laundromat guy at. In Deadwood. Right. You come in. You. Amen.
Bobby Lee
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
Hey, Chang. Yeah, I mean, wash these trousers. Okay, Mr. Okay, Mr. John. Right. And you go. Delivered to my house. Right. Okay. Right, Right, Right. And I get through the laundry and I go in and you invite me in for a second.
Bobby Lee
Right.
Andrew Santino
Come on in here, Chang. And I go in. That's the only time you're allowed. Allowed in that house.
Bobby Lee
Right.
Andrew Santino
Is that a good analogy?
Bobby Lee
That's a good analogy.
Andrew Santino
And then you come in and we.
Bobby Lee
Tie up your feet because we like.
Andrew Santino
Oh, yeah. What else? What else happens?
Bobby Lee
The tie feet. We like to tie up the Asian.
Andrew Santino
Feet down the stairs in the basement.
Bobby Lee
Yeah. Yeah.
Andrew Santino
And I go. And I go. What going on here? M I. I wash your trouser. It's on the house. Please don't do this to me. And then what do you say?
Bobby Lee
Then I tie up. I said, I'm going to tie up your feet.
Andrew Santino
Yeah. Why are you doing this? Why are you doing this to me?
Bobby Lee
Put a little soy sauce on.
Andrew Santino
Why? I'm not tumbling. I'm not dumpling.
Bobby Lee
Mr. Joe, you don't believe in Jesus. I don't.
Andrew Santino
I'm Buddhist. I'm Buddhist, Mr. Jones.
Bobby Lee
I'm gonna eat your face. Oh, I see.
Andrew Santino
I see. Yeah.
Bobby Lee
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
And then the next time you go to the place, I'm just, like, wobbling around.
Bobby Lee
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
And you're gonna still go wash my trousers.
Bobby Lee
Yes.
Andrew Santino
Right. That's in that guy. And I have, like. I have no. I'm walking on nubs. Oh, my God.
Bobby Lee
Here's the scene. It's just the laundry run. A small, dusty laundry shop in a typical Old west town. Clothes are hanging on a line outside.
Andrew Santino
Oh.
Bobby Lee
And there's the faint sound of a creek in the background. Inside the smell of soap and steam from boiling water fills the air. The three men, Jed, Billy and Cole, stand by count counter leaning on it with various laundry items in hand.
Andrew Santino
All right, so what am I playing?
Bobby Lee
So you'll be.
Andrew Santino
Just throw it out, yo.
Bobby Lee
I guess you're.
Andrew Santino
He's Jed. I'll be Jed.
Bobby Lee
You're Jed and I'm Billy.
Andrew Santino
You're Billy? Yeah. And you're Cole.
Jules
Okay, man, we have to do an accent.
Andrew Santino
Well, it's whatever. Your choice, dude. You're the actor. Man, I've never thought I'd be standing in a place like this. Went out again for my laundry to get done. Ain't no cowboy got time for laundry.
Bobby Lee
You ain't wrong, Jed. But I reckon it's better than wearing these stinkers another day. I ain't been washed clean in the month. My old lady would have had a fit if she saw me like this.
Jules
You boys are lucky I don't have anyone to complain about me looking like a tumbleweed. My boots smell worse than a rattler's dam. I ain't bothering with no laundry.
Andrew Santino
Ah, you got a good point, Cole. Ain't much to do when you rattle alone all the time. I reckon you can smell as bad as you please out there in the wild. But calm each town, and folks start looking at you like y'all been rolling and cow dung.
Bobby Lee
I reckon it's the dust. It gets in your pores, makes you smell like you've been sleeping in the middle of a sandstorm. Like fahim. I mean, I can't even tell if my shirt's dirtier from sweat or from just sitting in the sun all day.
Andrew Santino
You okay, Cole? You coughing?
Jules
I say it's a little bit. You boys ain't much different. But this laundry place, hell, it's like little slice of civilization. Clean sheets, hot water, and the smell of lavender.
Andrew Santino
You sound like a lady, Cole. Lavender. What happened to riding a hide and living free?
Jules
Living free don't mean you gotta sing like a horse backside. But I do like me so clean socks and underwear. Ain't too proud to admit it.
Bobby Lee
You know, we might ought to be careful what we say. The way this laundry lady looks at us, I. I wouldn't put it past her to be listening in in our conversation. You seen her eyes. They got like that look like she knows everything. Even things you ain't said out loud.
Andrew Santino
Oh, yeah. I swear, every time I come in here, it feels like she gonna read my soul. I am sure she managed to fold the laundry so perfectly, like she's Work magic.
Jules
That ain't magic. That's skill. You don't survive out here without doing knowing how to take care of business. Maybe she's been in these fars longer than we seem.
Bobby Lee
She? Me. That's what I like about the West. Everyone's got a story they ain't telling. But they all know how to make things work.
Andrew Santino
I feel like we're. That's the truth. Well, fellas, I reckon it's time to get our shirts back before she starts making us fold them ourselves. Don't. Wait, wait, wait. Don't want no part of the kind. Work.
Jules
Before she puts a spill on us. Boys, we may be cool.
Andrew Santino
All right, let's go.
Bobby Lee
Yeah, we got this from the Theo Vaughan and In Spade movie. That's it. That's it. That's what it's from.
Jules
For a limited time, you can get.
Andrew Santino
KFC chicken with the sweet heat of hot honey. And after one bite, you'll wonder, how do bees make hot honey so hot? Are they special bees? Does KFC have dragon bees? Fire breathing dragon bees that create spicy honey honey? No, silly.
Jules
There's no such thing.
Andrew Santino
KFC just partnered with Mike's Hot Honey to drizzle all over their crispy chicken.
Jules
But dragon bees would be so cool. Try it now for only $7.
Andrew Santino
Or share a box with friends for 25.
Bobby Lee
Prices and participation vary while supplies last.
Jules
Taxes, tips and fees extra.
Andrew Santino
This episode is brought to you by Shopify. Upgrade your business with Shopify, home of the number one checkout on the planet. Shop pay boosts conversions up to 50%, meaning fewer carts going abandoned and more sales going Cha Ching. So if you're into growing your business, get a commerce platform that's ready to sell wherever your customers are. Visit shopify.com to upgrade your selling today. That's a funny callback. I like that. Very good commitment.
Bobby Lee
Very great.
Andrew Santino
You grasped onto the Southern accent. That was really good.
Jules
I followed you.
Andrew Santino
You followed? Yeah. And God, Chris, you can act. God damn it.
Bobby Lee
Thank you.
Andrew Santino
Yeah. And one day.
Bobby Lee
This shirt's designed to be inside out, by the way.
Andrew Santino
I never questioned it.
Bobby Lee
No. Because I want. I know the fans might start talking.
Andrew Santino
Yeah.
Bobby Lee
But it's designed this way.
Andrew Santino
Yeah.
Bobby Lee
So just.
Andrew Santino
Just FYI, and you know, I. What I appreciated about it is that you haven't done one Asian accent since you've been on the show.
Bobby Lee
No.
Andrew Santino
Yeah. Because. Why? What? Why?
Bobby Lee
Because I.
Andrew Santino
When you do it. Because you get some heat on online.
Bobby Lee
I got some heat online. And like I. Like I said before, I said this, a couple of Episodes. I came on here and I apologized because I got yelled at for some Asian accents I was doing. And I. And I made a genuine deep hearted apology.
Andrew Santino
Yeah.
Bobby Lee
Ended it with Missouri.
Andrew Santino
I know.
Bobby Lee
And then people got mad at me at that too. People got.
Andrew Santino
And they're gonna be mad at that.
Bobby Lee
You think they're gonna be mad at that?
Andrew Santino
Yeah.
Bobby Lee
And then I'm so. I just. I just want to say, look into the camera this time and mean. I really am actually sorry for saying that.
Andrew Santino
Yeah. But he.
Bobby Lee
No, and I'm. I'm sorry and it hurts me, but we're.
Andrew Santino
You know, you know, I make fun of you.
Bobby Lee
I have rubbed. Ye know, I know it's a tension.
Andrew Santino
I know when white people. What you have is. Yeah, you got to stretch it out farther cuz it relieves the brain. You got to get to the temple.
Bobby Lee
You know what helps sometimes when I have a. My therapist said to do this detention. You pull it back and you go like this. That releases the pressure.
Andrew Santino
Yeah, yeah, that's. Yeah, I do that too at home.
Bobby Lee
And I do it too.
Andrew Santino
And it feels so good. Your headache goes away. White people, I'm telling you, no matter where you are, you know, sometimes.
Bobby Lee
Sometimes.
Andrew Santino
Yeah. When you're in taekwondo class or wherever you might be, your local Chinese restaurant, if you have a headache. See right there? Yeah. That guy has a headache. That's not Mickey Rooney. Yeah. That guy with a headache.
Bobby Lee
Yes. Last week my daughter was asking me for help with her math homework and I said, honey, I don't know the answer to them like this. Just to. Really. The answer just came to me.
Andrew Santino
Okay.
Bobby Lee
And then I just said, yeah, yeah.
Andrew Santino
Now let me ask you. You're Asian, right? Jules, when you see white people behave like that, how do you feel?
Jules
Well, if I don't know them, then that's the thing.
Andrew Santino
There we go. That's what we're talking about here.
Bobby Lee
But I was.
Andrew Santino
It's about we know each other. I make fun of white people's penises. I make fun of their dumbness, you know, some of their cultural misgivings. And I think if I know somebody, I feel like anything's at play here.
Bobby Lee
I've made a decision in my life and it's freed me from a lot of stuff online is I don't care about anyone's opinion, good or bad, unless I personally know you or I've met you. Like, if you told me, chris, what you said hurt me, I would genuinely apologize to you. But a random fan online, if they tell me I'm doing great, or doing bad. Bad. I don't let it affect me either way. Only people that I personally know and I've met in the physical space because my brains are not equipped. I can't, I can't process praise or hate. From Nebraska. Yeah, I can't process it.
Andrew Santino
Well, we have a friend in mute. I don't want to say his name, but we have a friend that was working through that. He called me a couple of months ago. Paranoid, right. About a bunch of stuff online. He was reading. You're super depressed.
Bobby Lee
Right?
Andrew Santino
And I told this person, I said, said, don't read it.
Bobby Lee
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
You just don't read it. Yeah, I don't read anything.
Bobby Lee
No. Yeah, no.
Andrew Santino
People go, oh, we'll read it this. And I, I don't even know. I've never been on it. I don't know. I don't know what you're talking about. And that's how you have to live. Because if I did read it, I think it would affect me.
Bobby Lee
And you know what? And you know what? Now our friend, our mutual friend, who when we talk to him about it.
Andrew Santino
I want to see you say his.
Bobby Lee
Name and then put a patreon.com. bad friends. No, we said he said. And he. This is very accurate of him. He said, you know, all that looking online for the comments, all that comparison stuff, it's a form of self hate. You hate yourself. And so you're looking to be, you're looking for it to be justified by the comments. You want to say, oh, Chris sucks. You're looking for. Because you think you suck. But if you're positive, you come from a positive place, you don't go looking for it. So I think you. At times, Bobby, you know, I need therapy, need this, you need that. But you're much more positive place than you think.
Andrew Santino
No, I know. I think I am. I think that I think I am. I, I've been doing things that. Let's be serious for a second. I were doing a lot of like, you know, this and a lot of crazy sand stuff, you know, I mean, all that stuff. But what I want to say is, is that there's another thing that I do is I, I was at the Chicago Improv and I was at the Schomburg Improv. I was in the green room and a waitress came. You know, every green room, the club waitress is, they're, they're the, you know, they're, they take care of you.
Bobby Lee
That's the head waitress.
Andrew Santino
The head waitress, she's like, I'm. I'm gonna Be your waitress all weekend whenever you need just the tips. And so she. She goes, this is so. And so. And she's interning. And she seemed shy, but also, she kind of looked me weird. She was like. She kind of looked at me like this. And when they left, I turned to the comics in the room. I go, oh, yeah, she doesn't like me. They go. And they. And they go, what? Yeah, I. I can. I go, I can tell.
Bobby Lee
And then it's because. But do you think it's because. Were you making it up, or do you think it's because you pulled your dick out?
Andrew Santino
No, I didn't. No, that wasn't. When I did that. Yeah. I would never do that. All right. I would never do that. I respect her too much.
Bobby Lee
Okay.
Andrew Santino
And that wouldn't be good.
Bobby Lee
And by the way, I just want to make it clear, even if it looks like I did on camera before, I didn't pull out any of my penis. I. I know.
Andrew Santino
You know exactly. It was your side. I know. Exactly. All right. So let's get that out in the clear.
Bobby Lee
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
But then two days later, she came up to me. She goes, hey, I just want. You know, I'm just like, I have a bad friend's T shirt. I'm a huge fan. Oh. So in my mind, I was like, oh, I make assumptions about people that aren't true. And it's because of. I. I know growing up, I don't have to read my parents because my parents were snapper heads.
Bobby Lee
Is that a. Is that like a. A slur.
Andrew Santino
Damn. Snapper heads. Where you're taking up all.
Bobby Lee
No, for Koreans from Scandinavia.
Andrew Santino
No, no, no. They. They were physically violent towards you. Yeah, yeah. And they would just. You. You know, and so every day was reading the situation and to protect myself. Right, right. To, like, for danger. And I do that out in the wild. You know what I mean? And I'm tired of doing it because it's, like, it's usually not true. You know what I mean? And I feel comfortable with when they don't like me, and when people like me, I feel uncomfortable, which I want to change that narrative as well.
Bobby Lee
But here's the good thing to know, is that most people don't care at all. Most.
Andrew Santino
They don't care. That's the thing. They don't think about it.
Bobby Lee
You know what it is?
Andrew Santino
With.
Bobby Lee
Assume. You know what it is. You make an asset of you and me. You know that?
Andrew Santino
I know that. That's a really good. I like those little. Yeah, yeah.
Bobby Lee
I like those little Just one more.
Andrew Santino
Here's another one. A little.
Bobby Lee
Another one. Kid, here's another parable. And this one's for you, Don. Their wives are foolish and their children wicked a curse their brood but the children of adulterers.
Andrew Santino
Don, how come you never sit down? Come sit down.
Bobby Lee
Come sit down. Will remain issue you never come of an unlawful bed will disappear. For should they attain long life, they will be held no establishment esteem. Should they die abruptly, they will have no hope nor comfort in the daily of scrutiny. For dire is the end of the wicked generation.
Andrew Santino
Yeah, that's what it is. John, did you listen? That was for you. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. That was really good.
Bobby Lee
What are you doing? What are you doing?
Andrew Santino
Oh, little advice. I was telling him yesterday. You want me to say it? No. Then why'd you just do that? Because you. Because I was practicing. Oh, yeah, yeah, we're practicing. That was very good. Very good learner. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Chris. Yes. I'll just tell you. I could tell him, tell him, but it has nothing to do with. Yeah, yeah. I was just saying. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So what I'm saying is, is that you know when you're in a relationship, right. And I was telling a bunch of comics. That's in the room.
Bobby Lee
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
Right. And you want to get out of the relationship. I can never end it.
Bobby Lee
Right.
Andrew Santino
All right. Because what you do is you have to find a window to get out. Right, Right. So you can force a window to open.
Bobby Lee
Right.
Andrew Santino
By doing some of my techniques, you.
Bobby Lee
Can force a window to be open.
Andrew Santino
Yeah, yeah.
Bobby Lee
The problem is, for me with that, where I have. I don't have. My house isn't the best right now. And I have air conditioners in the window. It's opening the window. I don't have central air.
Andrew Santino
It's an analogy.
Bobby Lee
Okay. But I could hurt somebody.
Andrew Santino
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Bobby Lee
I don't want to do that.
Andrew Santino
Yeah, okay. Yeah. It was just an analogy. Or door to open, whatever.
Bobby Lee
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.
Andrew Santino
An opportunity.
Bobby Lee
An opportunity.
Andrew Santino
Yeah.
Bobby Lee
Okay. That's where you have to get out.
Andrew Santino
Right. Okay, so what it is when you do the little techniques, and one of the techniques I was telling people was you want her to break up with you. Subtle things. The coward way. That's a coward's way.
Bobby Lee
Right, the coward way.
Andrew Santino
So you do subtle things. And one of my techniques is you forget their name for a split second every time, and you use a snap. Right. So you go, hey, Kathy. Right? Yeah. Hey, what are we going to eat tonight? Kathy. Right?
Bobby Lee
You do that smart.
Andrew Santino
30 times it. Seeps into their subconscious and they don't know what's bothering them. They don't know what that's bothering them. Right?
Bobby Lee
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
And then it. That's where the windows will open. Another one. I have several of them.
Bobby Lee
Smart.
Andrew Santino
What? Very smart.
Bobby Lee
That's actually very smart.
Andrew Santino
Tell them another one. Another one. Which one? The. The. I think I've told people this one before on this podcast before.
Bobby Lee
Let's hear it though. I haven't heard.
Andrew Santino
Okay, you haven't heard it. Right.
Bobby Lee
Remember this pro? You can. Sometimes you can say things that you've said in a podcast before previously. Because guess what? As Marcus Aurelius said, you never step in the same river twice. Because the river is always flowing. It's always new water. So when you step in, it's a different light, a different.
Andrew Santino
So you can say the same thing.
Bobby Lee
Emotion.
Andrew Santino
Yes. That's. This is a different river.
Bobby Lee
In the same river twice. The.
Andrew Santino
The. Yeah, yeah. So all you have to do this is five times. Okay. So those snapping 30 times. This five times. Okay. When you orgasm, you don't make a noise. You look directly into their eyes. You. They have to be looking at you. Right. And you orgasm with your face.
Bobby Lee
It's hard for me to. I'm never looking in when I come.
Andrew Santino
I know, but this is what you need to do.
Bobby Lee
I'm always facing this way.
Andrew Santino
I know.
Bobby Lee
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
In order for you to do this exercise, you have to be doing missionary.
Bobby Lee
So I have to have a mirror.
Andrew Santino
This is what you do, Right. You look in their eyes and you go. You go. You go like this. You go like that. Right. If you do that five times subconsciously. Right. They will break up with you. Really? Yeah. It's terrifying.
Bobby Lee
Terrifying.
Andrew Santino
Third thing. Yeah, yeah. Third thing.
Bobby Lee
Right Thing.
Andrew Santino
This is a basic one.
Bobby Lee
No, this is good.
Andrew Santino
You gave him the same present twice.
Bobby Lee
That's huge.
Andrew Santino
It's a good one.
Bobby Lee
That's a good one.
Andrew Santino
Right? Because they usually go. They always say. I don't. It's just a thought that counts, you know? I mean like I don't care. Right? Right. Here's two oven mitts, bitch.
Bobby Lee
You know what I mean?
Andrew Santino
Yeah. Yeah. Right handed. A left. One for Christmas, one for Christmas. Other Christmas.
Bobby Lee
That's smart, right? Very.
Andrew Santino
Those little tints. Dude.
Bobby Lee
That's it.
Andrew Santino
The window will open, my friend.
Bobby Lee
You know what? That's funny because I had a friend, he was dating a girl for five years. They were gonna get engaged. And then on her birthday one year, he gave her a card with $100 bill in it.
Andrew Santino
Yes. Great.
Bobby Lee
She broke up with him.
Andrew Santino
That's great. Brilliant.
Bobby Lee
Broke up with him because she wanted an engager and he gave her 100 bucks cash.
Andrew Santino
Yeah, yeah. I did this once and she didn't break up with me. Sarah Hyland. She can even defend.
Bobby Lee
She can even back the actress Sarah Highland.
Andrew Santino
No, there's a different Sarah. All right. Awesome comedian Sarah Hyland. Right. So Sarah, we were dating for a couple years. The first year she gave me a vintage painting from a store. Store. Like a vintage. She likes going shopping at like. Like antique stores and vintage, you know. And then I gave it to her next year.
Bobby Lee
You re gifted it.
Andrew Santino
I re gifted it to her.
Bobby Lee
Smart.
Andrew Santino
Forgetting that she gave it to me.
Bobby Lee
Right.
Andrew Santino
And it was super embarrassing. But she still didn't break up with me.
Bobby Lee
Right. Because she really loved you.
Andrew Santino
Yeah, she really did love.
Bobby Lee
What about getting back with her? What about.
Andrew Santino
She's married now with a. To my friend Jen.
Bobby Lee
Oh. She's a lesbo.
Andrew Santino
She's bi. Sexual and she's a very funny comic and I love her and she's famous family to me. But you know, I think if you're.
Bobby Lee
Going to be a bisexual woman, you're the. You're a very good guy.
Andrew Santino
Well, it's.
Bobby Lee
It was because you're neutral. You know what I mean?
Andrew Santino
I've had a couple of situations where lesbians have gone. Dated me for a couple years.
Bobby Lee
Yes.
Andrew Santino
Everyone around them have been women. So I've never really questioned that about myself.
Bobby Lee
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
You know what I mean? What do you think?
Bobby Lee
Just because. Because it is. Because you're very interesting, John.
Andrew Santino
What do you think of that?
Bobby Lee
Well, you got.
Andrew Santino
You've. You've solved soft skin and I think that, that it's like a. It's smooth, so it's an easy transition. I can look at you from across the room and go. Yeah, yeah. You look at me like that from across the room. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, yeah, yeah, yeah. I can see it. Yeah. I go, yeah, interesting.
Bobby Lee
His skin is. It's made of seaweed.
Andrew Santino
Let's come up with another. Let's come up with another one of these window opportunities together so we can.
Bobby Lee
So that.
Andrew Santino
So I can write a book.
Bobby Lee
What you've done is.
Andrew Santino
Yeah, yeah.
Bobby Lee
What you. Well, you, you have really, really good ones so far.
Andrew Santino
Yeah, yeah.
Bobby Lee
The. The. The best one was the snapping. Snapping and forgetting the name.
Andrew Santino
Yeah, yeah. It's got to be a split second though. Everyone knows it. If you live too much of a thing, it. Then it's noticeable.
Bobby Lee
Right.
Andrew Santino
And that's why I think the snapping is Very important.
Bobby Lee
You know what's another good one, too?
Andrew Santino
Yeah. Yeah. Let me write it down.
Bobby Lee
Come home, you could. Every time she comes home from work and it's happy to see you, you're just laid out on the couch, drinking a beer.
Andrew Santino
Yeah.
Bobby Lee
Like, you're depressed. Like, and then. And then. And then when your friends come over, right. You jump up. You can't wait to go out with them. You kind of subconsciously tell her, I'm having fun with my friends, and when I'm with you, I'm miserable.
Andrew Santino
Right.
Bobby Lee
And she starts to sit, say, do I make it miserable?
Andrew Santino
Yeah.
Bobby Lee
That's what you do.
Andrew Santino
You can. You can tell her you're gonna call her. Like, I'm gonna call you in 30 minutes. Then you don't. And then. Oh, those are good. Those are good. Two hours.
Bobby Lee
Never call her.
Andrew Santino
Yeah. Never call her.
Bobby Lee
Yeah, yeah.
Andrew Santino
But those are. Immediately.
Bobby Lee
You're gonna pick her up from the airport, never show up.
Andrew Santino
This is a room full of gobblers. I'll tell you why those don't work. Because. What? My things are subtle. Right? These will cause arguments right then and there.
Bobby Lee
Subtle. Right?
Andrew Santino
I don't want that either. You know what I mean? I don't want to, like. Hey. Hey. I texted you. You didn't text me. I want them not to know what's going on. Almost like there's something weird, but I don't know what it is. You know what I mean? You know, it's got to be one of those.
Bobby Lee
Every time she texts you, I love you, you could just hard it and not say it back.
Andrew Santino
Ditto. Yeah, maybe. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Bobby Lee
Hold on. Wait.
Andrew Santino
Oh, yeah, Right?
Bobby Lee
Just for Andrew, what if you brought.
Andrew Santino
Home takeout food, but only for yourself? Oh, that's good.
Bobby Lee
That's a good.
Andrew Santino
That's a really good one. That's a good one.
Bobby Lee
Yeah, what if. What? Yeah, what if you only. You only kissed her on her forehead like a child.
Andrew Santino
What do you mean?
Bobby Lee
Like, you never kissed her on the lips. You want to get down. You just say, have a good day, and you kiss her on her head. Top it. Like a. Or you pat her on her head like a little.
Andrew Santino
That's a good one.
Bobby Lee
That's good.
Andrew Santino
Treat her like a dwarf. That's good. I like that. Treat her like a door.
Bobby Lee
Or every time you guys were driving somewhere, she would drive and you sit in the back seat.
Andrew Santino
Oh, yeah. Like an Uber. Uber, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Bobby Lee
Uber method relationship where it's like. It's not intimate.
Andrew Santino
Yeah. Like a Driving Miss Daisy kind of a thing. Yeah, I like that.
Bobby Lee
What about. What about this? When you're walking somewhere with her, you always walk a little bit in front of her.
Andrew Santino
That's a good one.
Bobby Lee
And you get.
Andrew Santino
But that. That's that. But I've had fights like that before, right? Where they go. How come you always walk ahead of me?
Bobby Lee
Right, right, right.
Andrew Santino
Yeah. Or like, you know. Or have you had this happen? Happened? You're walking with your girl, right? On a beach, wherever, boardwalk, let's say whatever, Right? At a mall. Right?
Bobby Lee
Sure.
Andrew Santino
And you're just walking forward and a hot chick just walks in front of you. And then you're like. And they're like, I saw that. Oh. Oh. Why? Because I have eyeballs. Cuz I have eyeballs. I was running that way. You're me. Mean.
Bobby Lee
It's crazy.
Andrew Santino
It's crazy talk. Have you had that? You want me to walk like this? Come on.
Bobby Lee
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
I hate it. It's so dumb. It's like you haven't checked in with me. You're not my parole officer. I'm not a criminal.
Bobby Lee
I haven't done.
Andrew Santino
Sorry, kid. The guard. Kindergarten.
Bobby Lee
That's what it was. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Andrew Santino
Sorry it out. Sorry, sorry. Yeah, sorry.
Bobby Lee
It's true, though, what you're saying, we all agree with. It's true.
Andrew Santino
Yeah. Yeah. It's like all these things. It's just now when I say these things, I don't want to be in a relationship. Why? Oh, you told me another one. I did. Last night. Were you? Were you? Were you. But you don't. Oh, but that's different. That's different. Here's my theory.
Bobby Lee
Okay.
Andrew Santino
And I'm not a scientist. As you know. As you know. Right. And I'm not a doctor.
Bobby Lee
You only look like one.
Andrew Santino
Okay.
Bobby Lee
Was that.
Andrew Santino
I'm emotional today.
Bobby Lee
You are.
Andrew Santino
I'm tired. I'm on the edge.
Bobby Lee
Right.
Andrew Santino
I'm gonna express myself.
Bobby Lee
Please.
Andrew Santino
I believe that sperm is liquid love. Hear me out, okay. When I'm jacked up with it, I love my girlfriend. Right. When it. I release, I like my girlfriend. Okay?
Bobby Lee
Okay.
Andrew Santino
Right. So in order for me to stay in love, you don't come. And that's what I was telling you last night. You never come.
Bobby Lee
What about this? Here's a. Here's a third theory.
Andrew Santino
Am I not.
Bobby Lee
No.
Andrew Santino
It means you don't really like them. No. Even I've. I was in love with kids. And even when I orgasm, it's not like. It's not like I hate. I love them still. But it's like it's still less Yeah, a little less, is what I'm saying.
Bobby Lee
Sure.
Andrew Santino
Will you not admit, or am I. Am I in the. In the shadows here?
Bobby Lee
No, I get it. Because you. Yeah, because maybe you were lust. Maybe it was lust. And there was the lust juice.
Andrew Santino
Oh, so what you're telling me, distefano is this liquid lust?
Bobby Lee
Exactly.
Andrew Santino
Yeah. Yeah. Oh, it's liquid lust.
Bobby Lee
Liquid lust.
Andrew Santino
So what you're telling me is this. And maybe I'm wrong then. Okay. That every time you orgasm with you, you're. You. You feel the same exact way.
Bobby Lee
What do you mean?
Andrew Santino
You don't feel empty?
Bobby Lee
Like, empty, like, towards her?
Andrew Santino
Not just toward her, but it's like, you know, you don't really want to cuddle as hard or whatever. You know what I mean?
Bobby Lee
I feel like that's not you. Probably.
Andrew Santino
I'm alone on an island. You're not on the boat.
Bobby Lee
I.
Andrew Santino
It depends on the person. Oh. Oh, really? Last night you were on the boat. We were on the boat together. Last night I was like, we're not on the boat anymore.
Bobby Lee
Get it?
Andrew Santino
I. What happened? You jumped overboard? No. Oh, my God. Depends on the person. You're all liars, dude. Everyone in this blasphemy.
Bobby Lee
Blasphemy.
Andrew Santino
Yeah. Yeah. Give me the book. Yeah. Oh, Jesus Christ. Please, dear Lord, forgive these sinners. I mean, they do not know what they say or mean. They only do for public eye. Here you go. Thank God. It's insane. All right, let's go back then. Forget it. So I try to Ed you. That's all. That's just an.
Bobby Lee
It's the best way to do it. It's just. Yeah, I. Every time I've had. The last five times I've had sex with my girl, I've come, but she's just continued watching Landman on Paramount plus.
Andrew Santino
Really?
Bobby Lee
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
Is it good show?
Bobby Lee
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
Landman.
Bobby Lee
Every time I come, I have Billy Bob Thornton in the background.
Andrew Santino
Yeah. It's called Landman.
Bobby Lee
It's. Landman is one of the best TV shows so I've seen ever in my life. So the character Billy Bob Thornton plays is fantastic.
Andrew Santino
It's a very male. Male show. Show.
Bobby Lee
Right.
Andrew Santino
It's on Paramount. And it's a TV show or movie? Like it? TV show.
Bobby Lee
No, girl. You know, girls don't like it.
Andrew Santino
Ali Lard is in it.
Bobby Lee
Ali Lard, who's beautiful.
Andrew Santino
Yes. Yeah.
Bobby Lee
It's a good show. The last Landman. The. The anything. Tyler Taylor. Taylor Sherman has put out Landman. Yeah. The other one, that lioness. Lioness was fantastic. Yellowstone. This guy's Unreal.
Andrew Santino
Oh, Yellowstone. I saw yellowstone. Yeah, yeah. 1883. 1920. 18.
Bobby Lee
You should be. You could be an 1880. You could be an 18.
Andrew Santino
What could I play in 1883? What could I play? Laundryman.
Bobby Lee
No, the railroad. You build a railroad.
Andrew Santino
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've already said this before, you know, I mean, we're in a different river, right? Whatever the analogy.
Bobby Lee
Never stepped in the same river twice.
Andrew Santino
Forever. Twice. Yeah, yeah.
Bobby Lee
Success is not final. Failure is not fatal.
Andrew Santino
But I always said in the old West, I'd be opium. Opium, opium. I'd be an opium dealer. Oh, yeah, Yeah. I would get straight from China. You.
Bobby Lee
That's what you would do?
Andrew Santino
Yeah.
Bobby Lee
And I feel like you're the guy that, if, you know, you would get me, I would call in and shake your hand, and next thing he knows, you got me in a finger. Finger trap.
Andrew Santino
No, no, no, no, no, no. Let's. Can we discuss that for a second? So let me see how that works. Okay. Right. So you come into my opium den.
Bobby Lee
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
Right. I go right this way. You do? Right?
Bobby Lee
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
And you go, thank you so much. You're my favorite opium den. Right. And we shake hands.
Bobby Lee
Shake hands.
Andrew Santino
And then when we release, you're like. I go, I gotcha.
Bobby Lee
I got you. And then.
Andrew Santino
Right.
Bobby Lee
And then. I can't. I can't.
Andrew Santino
Right. But our two fingers are things.
Bobby Lee
No, no, you. You just snitch it on me.
Andrew Santino
And your two fingers are in a trap.
Bobby Lee
Yeah, but you got my hands in a trap. And then. And then you. And you start hitting me with sticks, dude. I mean, what does opium feel like? It must feel.
Andrew Santino
It's heroin, right?
Bobby Lee
Oh, that's what it is, right?
Andrew Santino
It's heroin.
Bobby Lee
You know, heroin is not actually bad for you. There's vitamin D. Actual heroin?
Andrew Santino
Yeah. Yeah.
Bobby Lee
No. Rfk. Our new Chancellor of health.
Andrew Santino
No.
Bobby Lee
If you look at Google, heroin itself, that's not the bad thing.
Andrew Santino
You know, it's crazy. He's the Chancellor of Health and he's been inside my house.
Bobby Lee
Yes.
Andrew Santino
Is that weird to think about?
Bobby Lee
Is that wild?
Andrew Santino
It's so wild that he's been that, like, somebody. You've met Trump?
Bobby Lee
Huh?
Andrew Santino
Have you met Trump?
Bobby Lee
When I was a little kid. Never. Never.
Andrew Santino
Who's, like, the biggest politician you met? Love him. Voted him twice.
Bobby Lee
Yes. I don't know. Eric Adams, the mayor of New York. Eric.
Andrew Santino
Oh, really?
Bobby Lee
He did history hyenas.
Andrew Santino
Oh, you did?
Bobby Lee
He did. In 2020. And now he's going to go to prison.
Andrew Santino
Who's the most famous guy you met? Don't.
Bobby Lee
Politician?
Andrew Santino
No, just in general. Rich. Newt Gingrich, speaker of the House. Who's the biggest famous person you've met? Probably Colin Farrell. How'd you meet him? I worked with him. Doing what? TV show. No. Wow. Thank you. You were an actor on it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you played across from him? Yeah. Was he nice? He beat me up. Was he nice? He was the nicest man. Yeah. He seems so nice. He's the. He's the fucking great dude. He's. How talented? Yeah, yeah.
Bobby Lee
I remember we were watching the show was called Sugar on Apple tv and I was having. Having sex with my girl a couple of months ago and I'm coming and she goes, there's Don.
Andrew Santino
Really? And you could see you on Sugar.
Bobby Lee
Yeah, yeah.
Andrew Santino
You had lines and everything. I was in four episodes. Yeah.
Bobby Lee
Why don't you shut your mouth, Bobby?
Andrew Santino
I told you last night, though. What? I said last night to you. Did you? You're. I like me. No, but also as an actor, you would. You. You have such a distinct look.
Bobby Lee
Thanks.
Andrew Santino
Yeah. Yeah. I don't know if that was a compliment, but. Yeah.
Jules
You're still handsome.
Andrew Santino
What?
Jules
You're still.
Bobby Lee
Do you think he's more.
Andrew Santino
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Actually, he's way better than. Than him. Yeah. A good voice too.
Bobby Lee
And voice.
Andrew Santino
Yeah. Yeah.
Bobby Lee
So he doesn't look like a Greek God, though. You said I look like a Greek God from the side.
Jules
Well, maybe he's just a superior being than you.
Andrew Santino
Superior being. How do you. Right here.
Bobby Lee
Yeah, but I'm more Aryan looking.
Andrew Santino
That's not a. Is that good?
Bobby Lee
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
Okay. In. In today's America. Yeah. You're like an Italian baker to me back in the day.
Bobby Lee
He does.
Andrew Santino
Yeah. Yeah.
Bobby Lee
He does look like.
Andrew Santino
Are you Mexican? What are you Italian? Okay. Yeah, exactly. Yeah.
Bobby Lee
From the south maybe. They're rare.
Andrew Santino
Sydney Sweeney. Is that the most famous person now?
Bobby Lee
Sydney Sweeney is all right.
Andrew Santino
You did a mov too just now. Wow. Congratulations. But you do stand up too. Still debatable. Yeah.
Bobby Lee
Come with me.
Andrew Santino
He's come over feature.
Bobby Lee
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
Oh, that's awesome.
Bobby Lee
I do two man shows. Don goes up, does 20. I do an hour. We'll see you the later.
Andrew Santino
Wow.
Bobby Lee
We go and then you have fun. I do.
Andrew Santino
Have a good time. Yeah.
Bobby Lee
Have a good time. Cops Comedy club. Shout it out.
Andrew Santino
Yeah. Oh, Fahim called.
Bobby Lee
I'll call him back.
Andrew Santino
Let's call him back. Yeah. Thank you. Okay. Stay here. Don't on. I have to tell him he's on pod.
Bobby Lee
Yo.
Andrew Santino
What up? So, I'm with the Safano. You're on Bad Friends. Oh.
Bobby Lee
What's up? Are you sure that right now.
Andrew Santino
Yeah, we're on air. I wanted to warn you. Okay.
Bobby Lee
What you said.
Andrew Santino
I don't get sand crazy.
Bobby Lee
I'm. I'm in Laurel Canyon.
Andrew Santino
Don't get sand crazy. You know, I know how you get. Anyway, what'd you call me last night, late at night for? Just the trade notes.
Bobby Lee
It wasn't about. It wasn't about Bobby rubbing his head on your girlfriend's head.
Andrew Santino
I missed that. We did side hog. We did a side hug photo and I bumped my head against that. She's a wonderful girl, by the way. She's beautiful.
Bobby Lee
Beautiful. We were complimenting.
Andrew Santino
I touched heads with there and I came a little bit. Is that wrong or.
Bobby Lee
Sure.
Andrew Santino
No, I mean, it's biological. It's biological.
Bobby Lee
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
Thank you. So that's. That's what you wanted.
Bobby Lee
Yeah. He can't. Bobby. He noticed when he got home, he had a little bit of come on his Crocs. Yeah.
Andrew Santino
Yeah. That happens. Yeah. Are you with her right now? I'll have a good pause. Are you with her right now?
Bobby Lee
Just driving to the store, doing my show in the belly.
Andrew Santino
Oh, well, have a good show, bud. All right.
Bobby Lee
Thanks, dude. All right.
Andrew Santino
Bye. Bye. Anyway, that was for him and War. Yeah.
Bobby Lee
Should I try Jasmine one more time to see if you can come to the wedding?
Andrew Santino
Yeah. Yeah.
Bobby Lee
And then this is it. Okay. Sorry. Let me see. She doesn't pick up my calls. I think she might have somebody else.
Andrew Santino
You're not going tonight, right? Whoa.
Bobby Lee
That wasn't. That was an immediate go yourself. Now I'm calling back. She hung up on me, Right? Yeah, that was obvious.
Andrew Santino
It's probably stuck. Yeah. Not disturbed.
Bobby Lee
Where's Andrew tonight? Is he in New York?
Andrew Santino
Boston. Boston. Wilbur.
Chris Distefano
Hi.
Bobby Lee
Hi. I just want to tell you that you're on Bad Friends right now with Bobby Lee. Okay? You're on the podcast.
Andrew Santino
She doesn't know who I am.
Bobby Lee
With Bobby.
Andrew Santino
Okay. Hang up now.
Bobby Lee
With Bobby.
Andrew Santino
Hang up right now. If you don't hang up right now, we're done. Hang up right now.
Bobby Lee
Oh, you heard. I said, tell him I love him.
Andrew Santino
Did you know who I am?
Bobby Lee
I know who you are. What? What do you think he. What is Bobby Lee from other than Bad Friends? Where have you seen him? Where haven't I seen him?
Andrew Santino
Very good answer. I like. It's very political.
Bobby Lee
Just give one. Just give one. All you. All you have to do is get one here. I don't know, honey.
Andrew Santino
I don't know.
Bobby Lee
Where do you Think you've seen him? Just take a guess. Anything. Anything that comes to mind, sweetheart, I don't know.
Andrew Santino
All right.
Bobby Lee
Asking you to take.
Andrew Santino
Wedding. The wedding. The wedding.
Bobby Lee
Karate Kid. One guess. Where have I seen.
Andrew Santino
I saw him at the hilarious party.
Bobby Lee
Right. And was he. Was he. Did he make you uncomfortable at all?
Andrew Santino
No.
Bobby Lee
Okay. Because he has a thing where he likes to rub his head on other people's girlfriend's heads.
Andrew Santino
That doesn't make me uncomfortable at all.
Bobby Lee
Really. Okay, let me ask you a question. Now, is Bob. We've said we want to keep things very, very small and intimate, close friends and family only for the wedding. And I want you to be honest. I know that you're on the show, but I want you to be genuinely honest. Is Bobby Lee invited to the wedding? With a plus one. I'm sorry.
Andrew Santino
Okay.
Bobby Lee
He's not. Is. Is. Are. Are you being genuine? Jasmine, he cannot come to the wedding.
Andrew Santino
Yeah, no, I'm sorry.
Bobby Lee
Okay.
Andrew Santino
Okay. Okay. Good night.
Bobby Lee
All right, good night. So Bob's not invited?
Andrew Santino
I'm not yet.
Bobby Lee
Real quick, real quick. And then I let you go. Hold on. Jazz. Is Andrew Santino invited? I gotta think about.
Andrew Santino
Love you.
Bobby Lee
Bobby walked off. All right, I love you. Bye.
Andrew Santino
A. They're all invited.
Bobby Lee
No, no, no, no. All right. Bye. Bye, bye, bye, bye, bye.
Andrew Santino
Okay. Oh, my God. Before we go, I want to say something. I have to rebuttal.
Bobby Lee
Yes.
Andrew Santino
Yeah, yeah. I will not go. I will not go.
Bobby Lee
Yeah, you're not invited.
Andrew Santino
Yeah, I'm not invited. I will not. Even if I was, I'm not going. You know, the next time I see her, right? It'll be a little different. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It'll be a little different. Yeah, yeah.
Bobby Lee
Could have believed the attitude.
Andrew Santino
It'll be. It'll be political but not as sweet, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It'd be less.
Bobby Lee
It'd be less.
Andrew Santino
Yeah, yeah.
Bobby Lee
You're not going to touch her head.
Andrew Santino
Won't be anywhere near her. Yeah, yeah. From afar. I'll go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The next hilarity.
Bobby Lee
It's messed up.
Andrew Santino
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, yeah, keep her away. Yeah, yeah. And anything to promote down. You have a website or any Scott.com? i don't know. Okay, good. You're good.
Bobby Lee
You hulu special out February 21st.
Andrew Santino
Yep.
Bobby Lee
Bobby's going to do Hulu Special too. Mine's called it's just Unfortunate.
Andrew Santino
It's just unfortunate.
Bobby Lee
And then go to Chris comedy dot com. I got understand updates. Oh, and patreon.com history ien as my history show is back and also Jesus.
Andrew Santino
Jesus Christ.
Bobby Lee
Remember to keep him in your heart. And remember that an error is not a mistake until you refuse to correct it.
Andrew Santino
Exactly. Thank you for being a bad friend. Right.
Podcast Summary: "Bobby's Break Up Tips"
Podcast Information:
The episode kicks off with Bobby Lee and Andrew Santino diving straight into their signature humorous banter. They playfully insult each other, establishing the light-hearted and irreverent tone typical of "Bad Friends."
Notable Quote:
Bobby and Andrew engage in a series of jokes about work environments, generating laughter with their exaggerated descriptions and playful teasing. They touch upon themes like work ethic, generational differences, and personal quirks, all delivered with their characteristic comedic flair.
Notable Quotes:
The conversation shifts towards their experiences with fame, social media, and the challenges that come with it. Bobby discusses the virality of his Tupperware joke, while Andrew reflects on the pressures of maintaining a public persona and the misconceptions surrounding their online interactions.
Notable Quotes:
Bobby and Andrew delve into personal anecdotes about relationships, commitment, and family dynamics. Bobby shares emotional moments about his engagement and the impact on his family, while Andrew offers humorous yet insightful perspectives on ending relationships and maintaining personal boundaries.
Notable Quotes:
In a creative twist, Bobby and Andrew engage in an improvised acting scene set in an Old West laundry shop. Their performance showcases their versatility and comedic timing, blending scripted lines with spontaneous humor. This interlude provides listeners with a refreshing break from their usual conversational style.
Notable Quotes:
Towards the end of the episode, Bobby and Andrew confront cultural sensitivities, particularly around the portrayal of Asian accents and stereotypes. Bobby apologizes for previous missteps, expressing genuine remorse and a desire to move forward respectfully. This segment highlights their willingness to engage in self-reflection and address important societal issues, albeit through their unique comedic lens.
Notable Quotes:
As the episode wraps up, Bobby and Andrew tease upcoming projects, including their respective Hulu specials. They maintain their playful dynamic, ensuring listeners are left with anticipation for future episodes.
Notable Quotes:
Humor and Camaraderie: Bobby and Andrew's chemistry is evident throughout, blending sharp wit with genuine friendship.
Personal Growth: The hosts show growth by addressing past mistakes and striving for more respectful interactions, particularly concerning cultural representations.
Engaging Content: From improvised scenes to heartfelt discussions, the episode offers a mix of entertainment and introspection, catering to a diverse audience.
Future Endeavors: Listeners are teased with upcoming projects, promising continued quality and humor in future episodes.
"Bobby's Break Up Tips" encapsulates the essence of "Bad Friends" — a blend of relentless humor, personal anecdotes, and meaningful conversations. Bobby Lee and Andrew Santino successfully navigate both light-hearted jokes and more serious topics, providing a well-rounded and engaging listening experience for their audience.