Boiled Hamburgers w/ Brad Williams

Summary

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Bad Friends – "Boiled Hamburgers" w/ Brad Williams

Release Date: April 13, 2026
Hosts: Bobby Lee & Andrew Santino
Guest: Brad Williams

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Overview

This lively episode of Bad Friends features comedian Brad Williams joining hosts Bobby Lee and Andrew Santino for a freewheeling conversation blending stories from the road, animal facts, riffs on doomsday prepping, and hilarious deep dives into dwarf culture and representation. The chemistry between Bobby, Andrew, and Brad delivers a mix of insightful personal anecdotes, irreverent humor, and memorable bits, all in the classic Bad Friends style.

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Key Discussion Points & Notable Moments

1. Live Shows, Travel, and On-the-Road Antics

[00:12 – 04:44]

• The episode kicks off with Bobby and Andrew reminiscing about recent shows in Lincoln/Sacramento.
• Bobby thanks attendees and playfully critiques Andrew’s set, while recounting on-stage drunkenness and a thrifted shirt round (with a brief history of the Desigual brand).
• Bobby shares travel exhaustion stories, triggered by long delays and constant cross-country flights, likening himself to Amelia Earhart.

Notable Quote:
“I'm exhausted. You're Amelia Earhart, dog. You're flying all over the place.”
— Andrew Santino [04:05]

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2. Doomsday Prepping & Backyard Survival Schemes

[04:44 – 06:46]

• Bobby’s fear of “the world ending” leads to prepping: “5,000 Smart Waters” and apocalypse seed collections.
• The duo riff on what seeds Bobby should buy, blurring the line between sunflower seeds (for snacking) and actual planting.
• Plans to convert fake grass (turf) in Bobby’s yard into a survival garden—mostly for “American” crops.

Notable Exchange:
“I have this fear that the world is ending, right? So I'm gonna get seeds...chili lime, the Hispanic one.”
— Bobby Lee [04:50]

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3. Witchcraft, Spirituality, and Freezer Spells

[08:04 – 13:34]

• Bobby reveals his girlfriend’s spiritual practices—seeing the future, communicating with spirits, and performing freezer spells to “banish” Andrew’s negativity.
• The group debates freedoms: religion vs. right to mock religion; Bobby argues for respect, Andrew demands mockery rights.

Notable Quote:
“You know what happened there? Nothing. So it's gonna be the same result.”
— Andrew Santino on Y2K and Bobby’s prepping [06:51]

Witchcraft Bit:
“The freezer spell involving your name is typically using witchcraft to bind, stop, or banish a person from causing trouble.”
— Andrew Santino [12:38]
“I tried to freeze your negativity, and it didn’t work...You can’t be binded. Like in Lord of the Rings, that ring? No. Nothing on you.”
— Bobby Lee [12:55]

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4. Animal Facts Deep Dive: Greenland Sharks & Immortal Sponges

[15:30 – 26:38]

• The group dives (literally) into fascinating animal lifespans:
  • Greenland sharks: live up to 400 years, possibly “witnessing” slavery and European colonization.
  • Quahog clams: live more than 500 years; glass sponges: up to 15,000 years, surviving since the last Ice Age.
  • The humor blends awe with dark observations about history.

Notable Quotes:
“Imagine interviewing one right now on his deathbed, and he’s like, do you guys still buy humans?”
— Andrew Santino [17:13]
“There are glass sponges that were around when a hammer was invented.”
— Bobby Lee [20:12]

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5. Orcas, Apex Predators & “Boiled Hamburger” Tangent

[29:31 – 38:34]

• Orcas/Killer Whales emerge as the group’s pick for ocean apex predator, but no orca is recorded as ever killing a human in the wild.
• Tangent: TikTok’s boiled hamburger (from Wisconsin)—debate erupts as Bobby thinks the whole assembled burger is boiled, not just the patty.
• Extended riff about boiled bread, wet food, and culinary nostalgia.

Memorable Exchange:
“In my mind, you envision a hamburger, right...fully cooked, then they boiled it...I’m like, it’s so soggy.”
— Bobby Lee [35:30]
“Are you the dumbest guy alive?”
— Andrew Santino [35:01]

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6. Prime Rib Rituals, York Pudding, and the Asian Foodie Army

[39:39 – 40:41]

• Bobby explains the ritual of dining at LA’s Lawry’s, where prime rib is sliced tableside and “wet bread” (Yorkshire pudding) is served.
• Andrew jokes about “60% Asians” at Lawry’s and Bobby attributes Asian love for nostalgia and opulence.

Notable Quote:
“It’s the ritual of it. When you said it: boiled hamburgers...to me, it’s the same as Lawry’s—they’ve been doing it that way for 115 years.”
— Bobby Lee [42:33]

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7. Dwarf Culture, Representation, and Brad’s Convention Stories

[45:01 – 75:23]

• Brad Williams joins:
  • Brad jokes about sitting in a “gender reveal chair” and discusses tailored clothing for dwarves (“Jimmy O’s,” “Build-A-Bear” for fun).
  • Riotous back-and-forth about the “dwarf convention”—the Little People of America annual conference—a week-long, party-fueled event.
  • Brad reveals “laying waste” to “two hands” (10+) of women at his peak convention year.
  • Riffs on terminology (“biggers,” “littlers,” “Liliputians,” “reacher”), who dates whom, and social status at the convention compared to daily life.
  • Peeled-back look at dwarf orgies, group sleeping (“like sardines”) and convention superstitions (never have seven in a room…).

Notable Quotes:
“It helped at first [in comedy]...people wanted something different...but then it was harder to get past the threshold of people thinking I was a gimmick.”
— Brad Williams [54:13]
“Over a thousand. Right? So that’s like 300 regular people.”
— Brad Williams [59:00]
“We hit two hands…one or two a day. It was fun. I was Mat Rife at that damn thing!”
— Brad Williams [61:48]

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8. Dwarf Representation in Hollywood – The CGI Controversy

[66:26 – 68:31]

• Brad laments the use of CGI dwarves in recent movies (referencing the Razzie awards and "Snow White"), emphasizing actual actors missing out on opportunities.
• The importance of real representation and Brad’s personal disappointment if not cast.

Notable Quote:
“If they did use dwarves in the actual movie and you didn’t get the part of the seven, would you be mad? Heartbroken.”
— Bobby Lee & Brad Williams [67:24]

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9. Dwarf History: Icons, Villains, and Little People of America

[68:09 – 74:46]

• Brad discusses Billy Barty—“our [dwarves’] MLK”—actor, founder of Little People of America, and convention instigator.
• The Ovitz family (Jewish dwarves of Romania), subject to Nazi experiments—dark comedy about “croutons” for food rations, with earnest calls for a proper Hollywood film.
• Brief aside about historical evil dwarves and unique contributions (e.g., mapping the human body by “crawling inside”).

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10. Wrapping Up: Brad’s Special & Classic Bad Friends Farewell

[74:22 – 75:15]

• Andrew and Bobby plug Brad Williams’ new comedy special—Live on Short Street on YouTube (released April 12th).
• Brad delivers the sign-off: “Thank you for being a Bad Friend!”

Notable Quote:
“Some might argue it’s a short film.”
— Brad Williams [74:59]

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Noteworthy Quotes & Timestamps

• “I realize that you're unbanishable. Also, I realized…you can't be binded.”—Bobby Lee [12:48]
• “There are glass sponges that were around when a hammer was invented. That's insane.”—Bobby Lee [20:12]
• “Are you the dumbest guy alive?”—Andrew Santino (to Bobby, re: boiled hamburgers) [35:01]
• “You're Amelia Earhart, dog. You're flying all over the place.”—Andrew Santino [04:05]
• “I was Mat Rife at that damn thing.”—Brad Williams (on dwarf convention hookups) [62:00]
• “If they CGI [the seven dwarves] again, that's another award that could have gone to a real life dwarf.”—Brad Williams [67:05]
• “Billy Barty…that’s our guy, that’s our MLK…”—Brad Williams [68:20]

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Conclusion & Episode Vibe

The episode is classic Bad Friends: sharp, irreverent, self-deprecating, and rapid-fire with multi-layered humor. Brad’s insider stories on dwarf culture, relationships, and representation add depth and novelty, while the hosts lean into playful ignorance and genuine fascination. As always, edgy jokes rub elbows with heartfelt moments, making it both raucous and oddly enlightening.

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For new listeners:
You’ll hear wild tangents covering ancient animals, weird food traditions, spiritual quirks, and the lived reality of being a dwarf in comedy and in America—all delivered with the chemistry and quick wit that makes Bad Friends a mainstay in the podcast scene.

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Transcript

[A]

You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots?

[B]

White dude and an Asian dude. You two are disgusting. You two or something. We're bad friends.

[A]

Somebody's back from out of town. He's tired, he's sad, he's down, he's drinking coffee. Coffee.

[B]

Great. Thanks for coming out to set Lincoln. That show was great.

[A]

What?

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

Oh, thank you for coming out.

[B]

And you were great.

[A]

Oh, Sacramento, Lincoln, California.

[B]

What?

[A]

What a good show. Exactly. I didn't know what you were saying. You're like, thanks for thinking.

[B]

Liking Lincoln. Well, because I was trying to think, is it Sack or Lincoln?

[A]

It was. They said it was something else. Didn't they?

[B]

Didn't they say it was Lincoln? Lincoln.

[A]

Oh, Lincoln.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Lincoln Logs.

[B]

Yeah. So thank you for coming out. Was a great show. You were on fire that night.

[A]

What do you mean?

[B]

You killed it and.

[A]

Okay, what do you mean? You just shrugged me off.

[B]

No, I didn't.

[A]

You did.

[B]

No, because.

[A]

Check the tape.

[B]

I know, but I'll tell you why.

[A]

Why?

[B]

Because I'm. Because I know if I said what I was going to say, that was going to start a fight, so I didn't say what I was going to say.

[A]

Say what you're going to say.

[B]

I didn't think I had a great set and now here we go. That's annoying. So that's why I edited it out.

[A]

Okay, well, let's go to something better. Fancy was wasted.

[B]

You're wasted.

[A]

I've never seen you that.

[B]

I've never seen you drunk at all. Ever.

[A]

Hammered. Yeah, you were hammered.

[C]

One drink.

[A]

One drink. You're alive.

[B]

No, no, no, no. I, I, I, I poured you whiskey. You drank that.

[A]

Bobby poured you a full glass.

[B]

But I have to say, on stage, though, you had the two biggest laughs out of even both of us. Yeah, see, right C was. That's a home run. Perfect the timing of it.

[A]

It was so, so good.

[B]

What was the second punchline? It was a big one.

[A]

Yeah, you got one more big pop. You got two.

[B]

It was based on somebody that was on stage. It was a guy personality.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, yeah, the personality person. Yeah, personality. I'm one word. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I look at you as if to say, you know, congratulations, you hit the ball.

[A]

Sometimes he really hits it hard.

[B]

Really huge rippling laughs.

[A]

And because of that, we got a little gift for you here. This says, hey, bad friends. I found this Fancy Bee special while thrifting and just had to send it along. Thanks for the making all the Best podcast on the Internet. Your number 69 fan, Mike shout out to Mike. He of course gave fancy a shirt. I'm sure he owns.

[B]

Oh, that was an Israeli flag.

[A]

It is.

[B]

Yahoo.

[A]

Do you own this shirt?

[C]

I do not.

[B]

That does not look good. Do you think that looks good? That does not look good. Yeah.

[A]

It's also double xl, which looks. It looks.

[B]

Is that a disagree?

[C]

Well, I think so.

[A]

That's a desi. Well, what?

[B]

From a thrift store? Oh, from a thrift store. Oh, it's an anti. Like what a thrifty does this.

[A]

Imagine on Antiques Roadshow somebody's like, I found this in an attic. It's a decidual shirt. Yeah. And they're like, these things are amazing. They're very valuable. Almost.

[B]

You mean 100 years from now?

[A]

Oh, yeah. Almost nobody wore.

[B]

No one wore them. Only one guy from Spain. He was an American clientele.

[A]

Diziwal was founded in Barcelona in 1984 by Swiss businessman Thomas Meyer. The brand originated with the aim of creating a different meaning desihual affordable fashion style that stood out. Characterized by vibrant colors, patchwork and bold Mediterranean inspired design. It was founded on the concept of upcycling, starting with a jacket made from reassembled patches of used denim. So it's old that they threw together and then sold to you at a premium.

[B]

Yeah, I mean, brilliant. Conceptually. It's cool. It's just. I think they're using the wrong patterns.

[A]

Execution.

[B]

Yeah, the execution is bad. I think the idea is good.

[A]

It is very.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. But they've like, I can take this, right? And then this and put it into a shirt. But necessarily, it doesn't look good.

[A]

Doesn't look good like that.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You gotta find the right combination.

[A]

I think you haven't found your groove.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

The emperor has yet to find his new groove. I'll keep trying, but it was incredible time up in Sacramento.

[B]

Incredible.

[A]

And then you immediately come home and you jumped on a flight to go across the country once again. You, you. You got to be.

[B]

I'm exhausted.

[A]

You're Amelia Earhart, dog. You're flying all over the place.

[B]

Well, also, it's like. So we finished the show Saturday, and then I get. We fly back that night, and then I show up to the airport pretty early, and then five hour delay.

[A]

Five hour. Yeah, I'm going home.

[B]

Yeah. So I'm sitting there at the airport. I hadn't had. Had not slept. Went to Philly, then shoot.

[A]

Are they still on strike or is it bad on the way back?

[B]

It's bad.

[A]

Really?

[B]

What's bad?

[A]

Yeah, Houston, really hard still for weeks.

[B]

Five hours. Really bad.

[A]

I don't care about Houston, but. Yeah, but out here I told Honey

[B]

to buy me 5, 000 smart waters, which is what we're doing.

[A]

5,000? Yeah, smart.

[C]

Why do you.

[A]

You like smart water?

[B]

No, no, it's not that I like it. It's just that I have this fear that the world is ending, right? So I'm gonna get seeds. I'm gonna do the whole thing. You.

[A]

You're gonna get seeds?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What kind of seeds?

[B]

Sunflower, barbecue, ranch.

[A]

That's all you need to eat.

[B]

No, I mean the plant. No to plant.

[A]

No to plant.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

You could chew on those for days.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, I'm gonna get that. You know what I mean? Chili lime. The Hispanic one.

[A]

I like those.

[B]

If you plant those, maybe a chili land sunflower seed will.

[A]

Just a Mexican guy grows in your backya.

[B]

What I'm going to do is I'm going to convert my backyard because I have the. That. That not asphalt, but the fake grass. What do you call that?

[A]

Fake grass?

[B]

If that's what I call it.

[A]

I think so.

[B]

I mean, what do they call it?

[A]

I mean turf.

[B]

Turf.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I have turf. I'm gonna take that out, put real American soil on there.

[A]

American soul.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. I'm gonna put American soul on there, man. I'm gonna get American seeds. You know what I mean? A Mac. Growing hummus, dude.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

You know what I mean? American tomatoes. That's a Netanyahu joke.

[A]

Yeah, it is.

[B]

No, it's not, dude.

[A]

Yeah, okay.

[B]

Yeah. I'm not doing that. I'm not doing. Goya is Goya. It's Goya, I think.

[A]

What is Goya?

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

It just sounds like a Greek thing. I don't know. Is it Hispanic? Yeah. I'm not only American, you know, I

[A]

mean vegetables and hot dogs, cheese.

[B]

You can't grow hot dogs.

[A]

Pretzels.

[B]

No, no. I'm growing vegetables and fruits.

[A]

Well, you don't grow hummus either.

[B]

You don't grow hummus. Chickpeas. It's a bean.

[A]

It's chickpeas.

[B]

It's a chickpea. Where. How do you get chickpeas?

[A]

You grow it.

[B]

Exactly. That's what I'm saying. No chickpeas.

[A]

No chickpeas in our house.

[B]

Not. Well, no. I mean, I'll eat it, like, if

[A]

I'm with, you know, it's American. We're not doing that.

[B]

No, I love hummus, but I'm just saying. All right, I do love hummus, but

[A]

look, chickpeas are very easy to grow.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

Nutrient dense and drought tolerant legumes that thrive in warm weather, maturing in 90 days.

[B]

All right, I'll get chickpeas. I'll do chickpeas.

[A]

We'll be hummus boys.

[B]

Yeah, we'll be hummus boys. But I just think, think that I have this fear that something's about to happen. So I'm gonna y2k this.

[A]

So you think the global.

[B]

That's the one, right?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Y2K. Yeah.

[A]

And you know what happened there? Nothing.

[B]

Yeah, I know.

[A]

So it's gonna be the same result.

[B]

It doesn't matter though, because it could have happened.

[A]

The global food source will be depleted, in your opinion, in the next couple of years. We're about to run out something.

[B]

The straight of her moose is closed. We don't know when that's going to open up.

[A]

So let's just make it crooked then. Crooked the hermus, if we can.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Stop straightening that thing out.

[B]

Yeah. You know what I should have done? What do I should have done? I'm so tired. You know, 200 years ago, they should just widen that thing, but they have more foresight. Yeah. I mean, public. We couldn't make it wider? What, the straight? Yeah, wider.

[A]

Bigger.

[B]

Bigger.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. You should have been a civil engineer.

[B]

I know.

[A]

I watched Pluribus again last night, and that is literally what we're kind of what we're talking.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Did you finish it? Gosh, it's pretty good. I got one left.

[B]

I think it's a really good show,

[A]

but we got to watch it in chunks because it's anxiety inducing. So I can't get through the whole thing at once.

[B]

You have no anxiety, huh? You have no anxiety?

[A]

I have all of it.

[B]

About the world.

[A]

Oh, oh, about the world.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

No, I'm comfortable, dude. I'm comfortably numb.

[B]

Oh, you're numb?

[A]

Like the song?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I have become comfortable numb.

[B]

Good. It's a good song.

[A]

Yeah. You nailed it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

The Doomsday Clock, January 27, 2026, as of this year, was set at 85 seconds to midnight. Closest the clock has ever been to midnight in its history.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Well, speed it up. Push the seconds over. Let's have fun.

[B]

Yeah. There's a lot of anxiety I feel in the world. I think maybe I'm just like, you know, I mean, a sensitive guy and I just can feel things. But like, you know when you walk into a coffee shop and you look at somebody? Right. What's wrong?

[A]

I'm a sensitive guy. I could feel things. You're an empath. Is that what you.

[B]

You're thinking I'm dating a witch?

[A]

You are dating.

[B]

Yeah. So it rubs off on me.

[A]

I know. My eye. I, I.

[B]

You know what she told me?

[A]

I can't see out of my right eye. What are you guys doing?

[B]

Yeah, yeah. Like, she, she told me the other night that she can see the future and stuff like that.

[A]

What did she see?

[B]

She goes. She stopped doing it because it's like too much. She gets tired.

[A]

That's a reason.

[B]

I mean, she got taught it. You know what I mean? That's also not. Just look into the future. Like, like look into people's. And communicate with like spirits and stuff, right? And she's like, it's.

[A]

I could run a three minute mile, but I just don't want to do it.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. No, but it.

[A]

I just don't feel like doing it. But I can.

[B]

That's pretty much it.

[A]

Yeah. It's ridiculous.

[B]

That's not ridiculous. You can do it, but you just won't.

[A]

No, you literally can't.

[B]

You can though.

[A]

Physical limit. Can you a three minute mile? No.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

No, nobody can.

[B]

Okay. No one can do a three minute mile.

[A]

Not you or me.

[B]

I know, but there are people out in the world that can.

[A]

Yeah, maybe like Mofongo Babango.

[B]

Yeah, he can. He can do it. Yeah. Yeah. Well, the girl that I'm dating is the Mofong of witches.

[A]

No human has ever run a three minute mile.

[B]

Okay, wait a minute.

[A]

She said she could look into the future. I need to hear the rest.

[B]

Not the future. It's more like she can see things, Communicate with spirits and see things in the past. And that's the opposite.

[A]

She's going the wrong way.

[B]

She's. Oh, yeah, she's.

[A]

She's in. Wait, dude, she's in that other universe communicating and she's going backwards. And they're like, the information's up here. She took.

[B]

I don't know why you guys are laughing at this. You know, I mean, religion, it's absolutely mind boggling. Dude, you. It's absolutely mind boggling that you would take one's religion and mock it.

[A]

Witches and magic practitioners often use divination, such as tarot runes or scrying.

[B]

Descrying all the time, Doc. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. One time her dog actually started scrying.

[A]

Do I believe they.

[B]

They cry different. They scry.

[A]

Oh, they scry.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. They don't. Yeah. It's even more painful. Yeah.

[A]

So they float when they cry.

[B]

Yeah. So you know to. We live In a country where we have freedom of religion.

[A]

That's right, baby. Best country in the world.

[B]

And for you to mock one's religion is, to me, absurd and offending.

[A]

Timeout.

[B]

It offends me.

[A]

You're allowed to have the freedom to religion, to any religion.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I have the freedom of speech to mock your religion.

[C]

Which religion is this?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Witchcraft. Witchcraft is a religion. It is a religion, but I have the freedom of.

[B]

Buddhism is a religion, is it not?

[A]

Yeah, it is, but we can mock it. That's the whole point of freedom of speech.

[C]

Wicca.

[A]

Like how. Wiccans.

[B]

Yeah, Wiccans. Yeah. Yeah. But you know, what you're saying is

[A]

contradictory in of itself. If it's protected religion, then so is speech. So we can make fun of it. That's the point.

[B]

But it's kind of my religion.

[A]

It's not yours.

[B]

I know. I know it's not, but I want to defend the right.

[A]

Defend your.

[B]

That people have the right to have

[A]

their own religion and people have the right. And I'll defend.

[B]

And you're laughing. You guys are laughing as if. Like, it's not real.

[A]

No, no.

[B]

It could be.

[A]

No, no, we're laughing.

[B]

It could be.

[A]

We're laughing because it's real.

[B]

That's the God she believes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

That's the goat God.

[B]

Yeah. And tell me.

[A]

I've seen that guy on the brea before.

[B]

Yeah. Now tell me, Carlos, you were at the drawing room at 1:30 in the morning and you saw. Yeah. In Los Feliz at the drawing room at 1:30. You're right, McConnell. Yeah. At the end of the fucking bar. You've seen her or whatever that is. Hey, can I get a drink? You buy me a drink.

[A]

Somebody buy that girl a drink.

[B]

I walked in from Echo Park. Right?

[A]

The horned goat lives in Echo Park. I got a great one bed, one bath. What else does she tell you about the future? Does she tell us what's coming? Has she given you any insight?

[B]

Well, you remember I told you that I found your name in my freezer, right?

[A]

She was putting it in there.

[B]

No, that's not. Did I tell you that?

[A]

You told me she made you put it in there to cool me off.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

Right?

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. It didn't work.

[A]

No.

[B]

Yeah. You're hot.

[A]

The freezer spell involving your name is typically using witchcraft to blind stop or banish a person from causing trouble.

[B]

Exactly. That's what I was doing.

[A]

Freezing their negative actions. Or cold.

[B]

I was banishing you, dude.

[A]

Didn't work.

[B]

I know it didn't.

[C]

Work.

[B]

I'm unbanished. I know. I realized that. I realized that you're unbalishable. Also, I realized that, you know, I mean, you can't be binded.

[A]

You can't.

[B]

Like in Lord of the Rings, that ring. No. Nothing on you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know what race you are in that world, dude, but you cannot be bound to that ring. Unbound, you're unbind. Yeah. So that didn't work. You can be stopped.

[A]

You could.

[B]

It'd be stopped.

[A]

You.

[B]

I mean, but it would take, like. You mean a Russian army, I think, to stop you.

[A]

So don't tempt those guys, because they'll do it.

[B]

So witchcraft to bind, stop or banish.

[A]

Yeah. Banished.

[B]

Two, three of those you can't do to Anderson. Tino. You know, I tried to freeze your negativity, and it didn't work. Also, it was in there for, like, months. It was between, you know, like, butcher box. Butcher box meat and a frozen pizza.

[A]

Didn't work.

[B]

Yeah, I put it between, like. You know what I mean? And then like, one day we're like, we'll eat a pork chop. And we lifted it, right? And there was a Anderson, you know, Fucking pizza.

[A]

My face.

[B]

No, just get your name.

[A]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[B]

And I. I ripped it up.

[A]

I go, oh, you ripped it up.

[B]

Yeah. He's not banished.

[A]

Well, that's why I was having back pain.

[B]

Yeah. Oh, you got black back. Maybe that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Oh, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

[B]

Behind this motherfucker.

[A]

Oh, unbound.

[B]

Yeah. But you know who is a huge soccer fan? I just had no idea. Is Gillis.

[A]

Oh, is he. Love soccer.

[B]

We were in the van, we had lunch, and, you know, I was watching the Arsenal Champions of the game on my phone. He's like, what are you watching? I go, arsenal playing. You know, and he goes, arsenal. I go, you. Of course I'm saying that because I defend myself.

[A]

That's your argument?

[B]

That's my argument. Yeah. Yeah. You know me.

[A]

Who does he follow?

[B]

Can I just finish our conversation? I go, what'd you say to me, man? He said, you said that this Reuben was the best thing on the menu. Wasn't because he was like, you got to try the Reuben. It was okay. Anyway, he's a man. You fan. He's a Manchester United fan.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

And then I asked him, like, specific questions. He knew everything. It was. I was mind boggled.

[A]

He's a big sports fan.

[B]

No, but he was like, I've been following them since I was a kid or Whatever. I even historically, I was asking him questions and Gillis is a man. You've had fans. So is. Give me. Give me another comic. That's a man. You fan.

[A]

You know, I feel like we do know someone That's a Manufan. They have the. They have black tatted on them.

[B]

He's black.

[A]

Oh, Ian Edwards.

[B]

Yep. Yeah, exactly.

[A]

He has a tattoo. Doesn't he have a tattoo?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Couldn't see it anyway. I know I could.

[B]

It was about to come out. Dude, you're so fast today.

[A]

There's only one.

[B]

I'm so tired. You can't be quick today.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah, it's just too, you know. Yeah, it's too, you know. I mean, you talk so fast sometimes. I'm not there.

[A]

He's using the laser gun.

[B]

It's like those Greenland sharks, you know, the butler. Have we talked about that?

[A]

Greenland sharks?

[B]

Yeah. They live till over 400 years old, some of them 500 years old.

[A]

Really? The Greenland shark, The longest lived vertebrae on Earth. Studies estimated to live 400 fucking years. They're found in the cold, deepest part of the Arctic and North Atlantic. These sharks, my ex up there. These sharks grow at a glacial pace for only 1cm per year, reaching maturity around 150 years old. So they grow up at 150. That's when they're like an adult.

[B]

What happened historically, 400 years ago? Just Google that.

[A]

What do you mean? Like, what happened right from today?

[B]

400 years ago, a Greenland shark was born. Say born.

[A]

Do you Google?

[B]

Yeah, yeah, Google that.

[A]

I want to see what happened today, 400 years ago.

[B]

Yeah, it happened today. 400 years ago or this month.

[A]

No, just say today. 1626, 14, 400 Macon. Get hit by a bus. August, what is this? Around 400 years ago, the first recorded Africans arrived in the English colony of Virginia at Point Comfort Row. A marking a pivotal, tragic start to slavery in North America. Roughly 20 enslaved people were traded for supplies. Yeah, okay, okay. Greenland shark, not a good time. Not a good birthday.

[B]

Yeah, people are on the. You know me on the. Almost done. And old baby is born.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Not good. It's not good.

[A]

Not good.

[B]

But I'm just saying, though, that they've been around. I mean, imagine there is something alive today that. Witness. Not witness. He wasn't online going, oh, my God, this is an atrocity. He wasn't like, I gotta check this out, you know, as a baby, you know what I mean? But he was still alive, deep in the ocean, born when this was going on.

[A]

What are you guys doing?

[B]

What Are you guys doing, man.

[A]

Are you guys trading and buying humans? I'm gonna go back to the depths of the ocean. That's crazy. Imagine interviewing one right now on his deathbed, and he's like, do you guys still buy humans? You're like, wow. Yeah, that's. That's what they look like.

[B]

Yeah, that's what they look like. They look 400.

[A]

They look 400 years old.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

400 years.

[B]

That's crazy.

[A]

Beautiful, though.

[B]

It's beautiful.

[A]

What's the longest species that. What's the longest age length of a species on Earth? What species? The longest.

[B]

That one. Yeah, that's it.

[A]

Living vertebrae. Vertebrae, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Vertebrae. Yeah.

[C]

Ye. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Longest.

[B]

I'm sure there are plants or trees that are longer.

[A]

Do you think trees live? Yeah. The longest lived individual invertebrate is the ocean quahog. A clam that can live over 500 years. No.

[B]

Wow. Wow.

[A]

Oh. Or the immortal jellyfish. They put it right there on the.

[B]

So, cl. What happened 500 years ago? Google that.

[A]

500 years ago today.

[B]

Yeah. I'm a clam.

[A]

What did he. What did we see?

[B]

I'm a clam. We're clams.

[A]

We're clams. What did we.

[B]

What did we see? What did we see? See?

[A]

So tell us what the world was like. Well, it was shaped by the height of the. The Protestant Reformation, expansion of Spanish Empire.

[B]

Boo. Boo.

[A]

And the flowering of the Italian Renaissance. Yay.

[B]

This beauty. This painting is beautiful. A clam today was just like, wow, look at the artistry.

[A]

Well, look at that. For Magellan. So a clam saw Magellan. Whoa.

[B]

On the beach saw Magellan.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What is he doing?

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Or me. I'm. I'm more of a Columbus guy. Right.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You mean.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

You're happy about Magellan? Yeah, I like Columbus.

[A]

That was their soccer teams back then.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Are you a diehard Columbus fan? I'm more a Magellan guy. The Inca civilization at its peak in South America, stretching from modern day Colombia to Chile just before the Spanish conquest in 1533. Another bad thing you've done. So, basically, what we're finding out through the history of invertebrates. Invertebrates is you guys are good pieces of. Pieces of.

[B]

Well, in the Philippines. You guys. Oh, my God.

[A]

Oh, my God. What did you do?

[B]

What'd you do?

[A]

Okay, so Google, zoom in real fast.

[B]

Yeah. What is this?

[A]

Immortal jellyfish. A glass sponge. Lives up to 15,000 years.

[C]

Whoa.

[B]

15,000 years.

[A]

What happened 50,000 years ago?

[B]

I'm a. We're Glass bunches. We're glass punches.

[A]

All right. Around 15,000 years.

[B]

Be a glass. Yeah, be a glass punch, dude.

[A]

The world was transitioning out of the last ice age.

[B]

Oh, my.

[A]

Warming climate using glaciers.

[B]

Man. Is it getting warmer?

[A]

I can feel my toes.

[B]

I can feel my toes.

[C]

Finally.

[A]

Dude. Whoa.

[B]

Dude.

[A]

Humans begin transitioning from purely nomadic foraging to living in semi permanent settlements.

[B]

Yeah, they are.

[A]

And the suburbs were born. No, I'm kidding. The use of clay for artistic expression began. Beads. Pendants. Rather than utility, children adults were shaping clay. Reflecting a forgotten chapter in social development.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

It is cool to be the first person.

[B]

What do you call that? Hammer. We witnessed.

[A]

Yeah, we saw a hammer.

[B]

We saw hammer, dude. And getting invented. That's insane.

[A]

Hammer in the morning.

[B]

Is that insane? There are glass jelly. What are they called?

[A]

Glass.

[B]

Glass sponges. That were around when a hammer was invented. Yeah.

[A]

The same guy.

[B]

What do you mean?

[A]

Glass sponge. Same guy today?

[B]

Same guy today. Same dude. Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

Same guy.

[B]

Same dude is still around.

[A]

Crazy.

[B]

Is it boring?

[A]

I bet he's having a good time.

[B]

All he's doing is this.

[A]

Depends on who's visiting him.

[B]

Have you done this? How long can you do this?

[A]

15,000 years.

[B]

That's insane. But there's no thought. There's no.

[A]

This is the funniest thing. He literally googled glass sponges daily life. As if they have like a. You know, nine to five. Y' all brought it to life.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. Give me daily life.

[A]

Bobby. He's got the glass sponge is a. Get ready with me. Tick tock. Get ready for me to float in the ocean again.

[B]

I have the answer. Yeah.

[A]

Sitting in one place. Using their silica glass spicules. Whoops. Sorry. To filter vast amounts of water for bacteria and plankton. So they're filtering their living fossils. They can live forever and ever.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

Show me the video of the glass sponge. I'd love to take a look. You know, this is the thing about this show. Is it a poop fart show? Yeah. But do you learn? You sure do.

[B]

You sure do.

[A]

Sure do.

[B]

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And the Acorns potential screen shows you the power of compounding and how your money could grow over time. Plus, you can quickly adjust how much you're investing every day, every week or month to make sure you're building towards your goals. You should be doing this. Why not try it out with acorn?

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Head acorns.com bad friends or download the Acorns app to get started. Paid non client endorsement Compensation provides incentive deposit promote acorns tier 2 compensation provide a potential subject to various factors such as customers, accounts, age and investment settings does not include Ac Acorns fees Results do not predict or represent the performance of any Acorns portfolio investment results will vary. Investing involves risk Acorns and virus LLC and SEC registered investment advisor view important [e-mail] bad friends shopify hey guys.

[B]

If you have an online business like we do here at Bad Friends that you got to use Shopify, get started with your own design studio. With hundreds of ready to use templates, Shopify helps you build a beautiful online store that matches your brand style.

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Here's the best part. You can accelerate your efficiency. Whether you're just uploading new products or you're trying to improve existing ones like we do, we try to update through time with different shirts that we're selling you guys or merch that you guys are looking to buy. Shopify is packed with helpful AI tools that write product descriptions, they page headlines and they even enhance your product photography. So we can take beautiful photos, show you guys what we're trying to give you as bad friends.

[B]

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[B]

It's time to turn those what ifs into Cha Ching with Shopify today.

[A]

Sign up for your $1 per month trial today at shopify.com/bad friends. That is shopify.com/bad friends. Shopify.com/bad friends with Verbo Care, help is always ready before, during, and after your. We've planned for the plot twists, so

[B]

support is always available because a great

[A]

trip starts with peace of mind.

[B]

Maybe this thing.

[A]

Okay. Which is phylum porifera, While most sponges are classified. Is this fancy. Did he do this?

[B]

That is my previous job.

[A]

Glass sponges are classified in the class. Hexactine. They're actually beautiful, dude. They exist in all oceans. Is he a deer?

[B]

They're Asian and white. The only two colors back then.

[C]

That's us.

[B]

We started it all.

[A]

We're sponges, dude.

[B]

We started it all. Asians and whites.

[A]

And you know why they're so pretty?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know why, Bob?

[B]

Why?

[A]

Because they're untouched, right? Because no one's fucking with them. That's why they're pretty.

[B]

I want to kill one.

[A]

Okay. Strange life. Survival in the dark depths.

[B]

Oh, look at that.

[A]

They beautiful geometric shapes. They get to form into the silica. Structures are so well formed that they can transmit light similar to fiber optics. Amazing.

[B]

Yeah. But here's my argument against this.

[A]

Yeah. Let's find something negative.

[B]

I'll say. Well, because the difference between that and obviously the. The Greenland shark is there's no consciousness. It doesn't have a brain per se,

[A]

as far as, you know.

[B]

But it doesn't like, you know, I mean, it doesn't have thoughts like, you know, I mean, you know, I mean, why did dad leave?

[A]

Where did all my friends go?

[B]

Yeah, yeah. Or, you know, I mean. Or, you know, I mean, God, gas prices are so high. I mean, they don't have thoughts.

[A]

And he's like, well, they are doing. We saw what they're doing to Iran.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, there's no. Right.

[A]

So they're not on Twitter. I get.

[B]

Yeah, a Greenland shark, you know, I mean, I don't know what they're thinking about. Probably food first.

[A]

Food for 400 years.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. It's the second Coachella tickets. No, I'm kidding.

[A]

Do you think they got back what the Greenland sharks got? Backstage passes.

[B]

You think so that's fair. It's like one Greenland shark watching Harry Styles. He's just popping. No, so, I mean, I'm. Greenland shark has a brain, and it's Right.

[A]

Hunting in the.

[B]

You don't have brains. Greenland.

[C]

All they do is hunt all day.

[B]

And if they have brains, Right, So they have thoughts, they don't think much. How do you know?

[A]

It's they're instinct. They're. They're living purely by instinct. Focusing on slow motion, scavenging, opportunistic hunting in the dark. But that every day is a new day to hunt. So it must be fascinating to them because they're approaching new all the time. They don't stay in the same place, do they stay in the same area.

[C]

Right.

[A]

Don't they? But also far and wide swimmers of their size.

[C]

They have stealth mode.

[A]

Stealth mode.

[B]

But also this, right. It's like they have to know what to eat and what not to eat. So they don't. They eat everything.

[C]

You don't have to know garbage.

[B]

It's just like, you know, I mean, a diet Pepsi can. Aluminum can to eat.

[C]

I mean, that's what instincts.

[A]

Instinct is.

[C]

You don't have to know it.

[A]

They literally say.

[B]

So that's not a thought process.

[A]

Listen.

[B]

Yeah, that's an instinct.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Despite being apex predators, they're primarily scavengers or garbage disposals with diets that include seals, polar bears, reindeer. Anything. They'll eat anything. They'll eat anything.

[B]

Reindeer.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Where does it say reindeer?

[A]

Right there. Right? I just.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. Go where?

[A]

Reindeer, Reindeer, Santas.

[C]

After, you know.

[B]

Oh, he crashes into the ocean. Right. And then Greenland sharks are like. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Every year he kills him.

[B]

Every 300 years he does this. Right? And he just eats one.

[A]

Huh. What the is that?

[B]

That lives on most Greenland sharks? They just don't care because on their eyeballs, right? They. Yeah, they. I saw a documentary where they live on the eyeball. So they can't even see.

[A]

Oma Tokoida. Oma Tokai.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Is a monotopic genius of cor pops. The soul species being. However, the specimen has been found on the skin of the great lantern shark, which has been assigned to the. To the genus, but not the species. But they live in the eyeball. That's amazing. Yeah, that's how much the Greenland shark.

[B]

Yeah, both eyes. So the Greenland shark can't see. You mean because they got little dudes on their eyes?

[A]

Just clean it out.

[B]

Well, they have no arms. That's the problem.

[A]

Them. They don't have arms.

[B]

Oh, dude, no.

[A]

What's going on down there?

[B]

They can't wave or anything.

[A]

Well, what if one shark just.

[B]

They can't even wave to their friends. Like what's up, dude? I haven't seen you in 300 years. Hey, dude, I haven't seen you in 350 years. Where have you been, dude? Oh, I was over there.

[A]

He says there they could blow bubbles. What? If they blew bubbles right on the parasites and got it out of there,

[B]

then they can't do it go up. I mean, I would rub it against, like, a rock or something. Can you do that? Yeah, just generally rub it against a rock. But I guess they don't even know how to do that. Yeah, they're dumb.

[C]

They run on Instagram.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

They just don't know they have a brain, though.

[C]

Yeah. Wouldn't the brain tell them to rub their eye?

[B]

No, no, because it's like, you know, you don't. It's so dark down there. Who gives a.

[C]

That's what Google says.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's so dark down there, you could have whatever on your eyes.

[A]

It doesn't matter.

[B]

I mean, you could put peanut butter on your eye. It doesn't even matter.

[A]

You know, they do have peanut butter down there.

[B]

I know they do a lot. Yeah, but you can do whatever with your eyes, you know, I mean, they can be Asian down there.

[C]

They don't.

[A]

No, they are kind of.

[B]

Yeah, that's not even Asian.

[A]

Greenland shark.

[B]

That out now.

[A]

I'll leave it in.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, it's very Asian. Greenland shark. Wow.

[A]

I live forever.

[B]

They live forever. Who. Okay, let me.

[A]

Oh, look at that. He's eating udon right there.

[B]

Yeah. Let me ask you, what's the eight? Don't Google it yet. What's the apex predator in the ocean?

[A]

Probably the one that no one with the killer whale.

[B]

That's it, dude. Yeah, you're bringing it. Brilliant. Look, no one can buy the killer whale. Isn't that the house and bind him or banish.

[A]

Can't be bound.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Can't be bound. Can't put me in a freezer.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Can't put me in a freezer, but yes.

[B]

It's the orca.

[A]

It's the orca.

[B]

Yeah. Killer whale. Dude. Those guys are insane.

[A]

But not as cool as a sperm whale, which gets up to the size of like, you know, three school buses or whatever.

[B]

Yeah, but an or. Have you seen orca pop his head out and look at you? No.

[A]

Yeah, I've never had it. Look at me.

[B]

Well, I need me either. I said just sound YouTube, but I'm just saying they do it. They'll just pop up right. With their one eye and look at you to see if some. It's something that they want to eat. Oh, you know what I mean? And then they go, nah, you know what I mean? And then they pop back down.

[A]

Can you imagine being eaten by one of those things? Because sharks bite, but they don't always consume these things. Eat you whole.

[B]

Yeah. They're not saying, hello there. They're going, can I eat? Should I eat you?

[A]

I'm gonna eat you.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

How many people get eaten by orcas every year?

[B]

Not a lot.

[A]

No, let's guess.

[B]

Let's guess. Let's guess before 7. You think so?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm gonna go 16.

[A]

Oh, okay. All right. Orcas kill zero people a year in the wild. No documented cases.

[C]

Wow.

[B]

They don't like us. We don't taste good.

[A]

Wait a minute. For sure. I feel like we've heard a story where someone's been eaten by. While, hum. While orcas are powerful apex predators, they do not view humans as prey.

[B]

We only taste good. To Jeffrey Dahmer, that's the only apex predator that we taste.

[A]

Sitting in the ocean for a long time waiting for you to take a swim. There have been no confirmed records of wild orcas killing a human. Not even researchers that are in the wrong place, wrong time. How many, how many people are killed by polar bears every year? Let's guess.

[B]

1.

[A]

It's got to be more than that because researchers get one, I'm saying five. Between 1870 and 2014, there were 73 confirmed polar bear attacks resulting in 20

[B]

human deaths in all that time.

[A]

Yeah, it's not a lot.

[B]

Yeah, it's not a lot.

[A]

It's not a lot. Yeah, it's not a lot. So it's probably less than 1% wise. How about dogs? How many people die by dogs every year? Oh my God. That one's got to be high.

[B]

High. Look, guess, guess, guess.

[A]

Like a hundred.

[B]

No, I'll say 1200.

[A]

Holy. That's a lot. Yeah, 30 to 50.

[C]

I was just in the US.

[B]

Oh, that's just us in the world. We said world.

[A]

25,000 to 3. 30,000 human deaths annually worldwide.

[B]

I was closer.

[A]

You were way out. We were way off.

[B]

I know.

[A]

The majority of these fatalities are caused by trans.

[B]

What does that.

[A]

Oh, rabies virus. People that get.

[B]

Ah, no, I'm not like, you know

[A]

about like mauling all to death is way less. Yeah, way less. India accounts for a significant portion of these deaths where high populations of stray dogs contribute to the rabies risk. Right. Those videos you see, there's just dogs. Literally, there's like every human there's another dog next to them.

[B]

Yeah. Dingoes probably kill people too.

[A]

They don't. It's a lie.

[B]

Dingo zone.

[A]

No, that was like an old weird. You know, the dingo ate your baby is a falsity.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

The dingoes are just like small dogs.

[B]

Oh, they are.

[A]

Yeah, they're little. Little tiny. You didn't see one while we were

[B]

over there and I started.

[A]

God, I love dingoes. I love me dango my. You're going back to Australia. Are you excited? You're gonna go see our boys, Brad and Shrimp?

[B]

Yeah, I can't wait.

[A]

It's gonna be fun down there.

[B]

Okay, well, that's all a lot our animal talk. Well, no, I mean, because I've been. Because instead of the war, I've been trying to, like, get my algorithm to change to a more animal.

[A]

Only been watching war.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. I'm trying to do more animal, you know, around the world. So it's like, you know, trying to change my algorithm on my tick tock because it depresses me.

[A]

Open up your tick tock right now. What's the first video that you have up there?

[B]

I don't want to.

[A]

All right, what's your gonna see what? My algorithm is Sean Penn and Zach Alphanakis rent free. In my mind. I'm gonna be 37 this year. And I like to think about when

[B]

my parents were 37, like, stuff like that.

[A]

Yeah. Sick of Greenland shark on her. Yeah, yeah, let me just. Yeah, I'll open up and let me hear what this says then.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Ready? Yeah, Just hear. No, see. Oh, it's a guy jumping off of a cliff doing. And skydiving.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. We're in LA trying, supposedly the best shawarma in the city.

[A]

Kill yourself. Everything else.

[B]

Kill yourself.

[A]

Jesus Christ.

[B]

Whenever you hear those, like, tik toks, I go. And I never. I. I disagree. Every time I disagree. I've never went, yeah, that guy was right. This is the best burrito. No, I've. This never happened happen.

[A]

Well, that's like, I saw one today that was boiled hamburgers from 1903. And like, they live, you know, I was like, doing an advertisement for this place. And Pete's. That's it. Boiled hamburgers in. In Wisconsin. And look at the video of them boiling a hamburger. This guy can't even explain. That's not it. I wish that was the video. The guy can't even explain. They were like, what do they taste like? And he's like, well, good. He couldn't even tell you.

[B]

Yeah, boiled. Oh, my God. That sounds soggy.

[A]

So soggy.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

There it is.

[B]

Right?

[A]

You do that one. 7. Celebrating down. Celebrating 115 years of boiled. Yeah. This is the guy.

[B]

This guy right here.

[A]

No, no, that's the news. He looks like a boiled.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The firefighters.

[A]

Look at that.

[B]

The burgers.

[A]

And from there, they pour water on them the whole time.

[B]

Oh, what you're saying is they don't boil the bun, they boil the burger. I thought you said. I thought you thought a hamburger. No, stop. Push pause. Okay.

[A]

Boil the bun.

[B]

You just lied.

[A]

What?

[B]

You lied.

[A]

What are you talking about?

[B]

A hamburger is with the bun as well. So you're saying they boil the patty.

[C]

Yes, that's the part.

[B]

Well, then just say patty.

[C]

They also don't boil the. The cheese or the lettuce.

[B]

That's what I thought, though. Well, then that's not a hamburger.

[A]

Are you the dumbest guy alive?

[B]

No, no. Are you a liar when I just

[A]

said it's called a boiled hamburger? That's what it's called.

[B]

Called. Okay, now I'm getting the context of it. So the meat.

[C]

I'm so.

[B]

I'm tired.

[A]

Don't even.

[B]

No, no, you don't.

[A]

Don't try to, like, backtrack.

[B]

I'm not backtracking out of it. Dude. I need to defend my life here.

[A]

Dude, please.

[B]

All right. It's just in my mind. It's like they boil the hamburger. Now in my mind, you envision a hamburger, right? Which is.

[A]

Just let me envision hamburger fully cooked.

[B]

Let me finish. Let me finish.

[A]

And then they boiled it.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. So they say they put the bread. That's how you thought about the meat, right? Then onions, cheese, you know, I mean, relish, ketchup. Right. More bread. Right. And then they boiled the whole thing.

[A]

That's what you thought about?

[B]

In my mind, I'm like, it's so soggy.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

So if they boil the meat. That doesn't sound that bad.

[A]

It looks. Look at it. That looks disgusting.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Sloppy. It looks like a. It looks like.

[C]

I mean, it's better than boiling the whole thing.

[A]

Yeah. Shouldn't boil the whole thing. So good.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Press play. Watch him smash it in the water.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I mean, it's. It's ludicrous.

[B]

Was that. Is that dumb of me, really?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

No, I don't think so.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

No, look.

[A]

Look at that. Look at that. Press play. Smashing it in the water. That looks disgusting.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Oh, God.

[B]

Dude, can you push pause for a second, please? Can I defend this? Can I still try to defend it.

[A]

Sure. Wiggle your way out of this one

[B]

sometimes, because this is 115 years he's been doing it. Right, right, right. Did I not say that? Okay, so sometimes this. All right, Just listen to my logic, please.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Before you, like, mock me and laugh, I already left. All right? So. Because if you do, your name gets back into the freezer. All right, I will. I will try to banish you again.

[A]

Dude.

[B]

Where's mine anyway?

[A]

Expellius Asianists.

[B]

All right, so just. Can you listen to my theory here? Sometimes you have to think about it in context, okay? It's everything. It's everything, right? So it's like, you know, people go, you know, like music from the 60s, right? I put it in context. Like, this is the beginning of, you know, I mean, stages of rock and roll, you know? I mean. And so when you're listening to it, you listen to it with that context, right? It's not as well produced as, like, a Harry Styles album or for instance, or whatever, right? So it's like when you go to Felipe's downtown.

[A]

Love.

[B]

Great, right?

[C]

Great. Right.

[B]

But you put in the context that this has been around for so long, and they haven't really changed their menu that much, so you eat it with that context, like, oh, my God, this is like, you know, I mean, the same as it was in the 40s. And it's cool.

[A]

A Greenland shark might have had this.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Or those clams, right? Yeah. So what I'm saying is these boiled hamburgers is the same thing. It's like a nostalgia thing. It's a context thing. You and I.

[C]

When they boiled bread back then,

[B]

I just, you know. All right,

[A]

he thought they made the cheeseburger and then they boiled it. It's insane.

[B]

I know. I. I know. Now, all right, now, okay, now that. All right, now that I think about

[A]

it, by the way, I agreed with him. When he goes, it's got to be soggy. I go, yeah. I'm thinking, yeah, the meat's got to be soggy. He's like, no, the whole thing is science. And you know what? Bad friends at home. Somebody please make a boiled hamburger and send us a video of you boiling an entire hamburger and send it to Carlos in the [e-mail].

[B]

anyway, we, you know, went to Laurie's. Lowry's.

[A]

You said it like a Southern black man went down into Lowry's.

[B]

Lowry.

[A]

You know, me and Lowry, I love.

[B]

Have you been to Lowry's.

[A]

Lowry's.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Have you been there?

[A]

Oh, IBM.

[B]

Yeah. So do you know what Larry's is? Right? Have you ever had the seasonal seasoned salt?

[A]

Laurie's Lowry seasoning salt.

[B]

You know that. So the same year. Check out this information. Right. The same year, did they develop the salt? You know me, the guy that invented the salt, opened a restaurant in LA called Lorries on Los Angeles.

[C]

I can listen to you say it all day.

[A]

He opened up Larish.

[B]

Oh. So this is day seven of me not smoking cigarettes. Wow, you missed it. So weak of no smoking.

[A]

I'm so proud of you.

[B]

So.

[A]

But wait, you went to Lowry's, Right?

[B]

And so, you know, like, Kyle. Yeah, yeah. Went to lry, y'.

[A]

All. Who that?

[B]

Kyle. Anyway, went to Lor's and she's like. Like what? She goes. There's these. You know, the tin. Yeah, well, explain it then.

[A]

I've been to Lowry's.

[B]

What is it then?

[A]

The tin?

[B]

When I say tin, what do you mean, the tin? No, what does it mean when they

[A]

card out the tin?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yes, exactly.

[A]

I've been there.

[B]

So you know what you're talking about.

[A]

I've been there. I told you four times. Okay. By the way. Sorry? By the way. I've been there. And then I never went back. I don't like it.

[B]

I like it.

[A]

You do?

[B]

Dude, it's also 60% Asians that go there.

[A]

There. Well, that's why I don't go.

[B]

Yeah, we love it. Yeah.

[A]

Once. Once a race takes over a place, I'm out.

[B]

Okay, well, that's crazy.

[A]

I want it diverse.

[B]

Okay, so anyway, we go to Laurie's.

[A]

You like that? I backed right in.

[B]

Right, Right.

[A]

Wiggled my way.

[B]

Wiggle the way out.

[A]

Escape room. Racial escape room.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I don't like it when there's too many Asians because I like it more diverse. All right, let them out.

[B]

So when you. Right. Normally when you go to any restaurant, Right. You know, you order your prime rib.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

Right. And it just appears from the back of the kitchen. Right. Somebody prepares it.

[A]

Somebody boils it back.

[B]

Yeah, Boils it back there.

[A]

Somebody boils up that prime rib. Go ahead.

[B]

Okay. In terms of wet bread, this is a good example. What about Yorkshire pudding? That's a wet bread.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

It's not our thing.

[B]

I know. I'm just saying. So in my mind. Boiled hamburger. It doesn't sound that preposterous.

[A]

I'm going home tonight and I'm boiling.

[B]

Okay, let's let it go.

[A]

All right? You're at Lowry's.

[B]

So we're at Lowry's. And. And she goes. And what happens is you order your prime rib and there's. There's different cuts that you can get.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

There's a California cut.

[C]

Right.

[B]

There's a regular cut. I get the Tokyo cut.

[A]

Of course. Yeah.

[B]

Because it's small. It's a smaller.

[A]

Catering to their audience.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. And so they, so you order your cod and ultra. Your sides and they bring a little

[A]

tin cart and they bind your feet.

[B]

No, they, no, they don't, they don't bind. So they, they come with a tin cart. Right. They open it up.

[C]

Right, right.

[B]

And they slice it in front of you.

[A]

Right in front of your face.

[C]

Right.

[B]

And they pour all the sides in front of you.

[A]

A lot of juices.

[B]

A lot of juices. Right. They juice the. Out of it. Right. And you get York pudding. Yeah, you do, Right. Which is a wet bread.

[A]

Wet bread.

[B]

It's a wet bread.

[A]

Yeah. It's boiled bread.

[B]

It's boiled bread. And then, you know, and then she goes, why do we. They do it like this? I go, it's the nostalgia of it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

They've been doing it like this since like whatever, the 40s and stuff. And that's why Asian people like it, because it's. It, it does some elegance to it. It's also reminiscent of the past. It's kind of reminds you of the Shining ballroom in the movie the Shining. You know what I mean? That kind of a vibe. You know what I mean? Gigantic chandeliers. Kind of gaudy, a little bit opulent, but also dark. And it's a really cool place. And the food's great.

[C]

It's good.

[B]

Yeah. And it's like. But it's the, it's the, the ritual of it. Right. So when you said it boiled hamburgers,

[A]

you thought about loud rich.

[B]

No, I'm just saying, to me, it's like, you know, you know, if they've been, if they've been doing it, whatever this region of this country for 115 years that way.

[A]

Wisconsin.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Can you imagine? This is the longest, this is the longest.

[B]

A rebuttal.

[A]

Yeah. Like a court case. The judge would be like, sir, sir, sir.

[B]

Yeah, it's.

[A]

We're throwing the case out.

[B]

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

[A]

No, it was very good though.

[B]

I think that the reason why. Have we talked about me quitting smoking yet or. No, last time.

[A]

Go ahead.

[B]

Just briefly.

[A]

Let's hear it.

[B]

But why I quit?

[A]

Cuz it's going to kill you.

[B]

That's not why.

[A]

Good.

[B]

Oh, yeah, yeah. That is why.

[A]

That is why.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah, that is why. Yeah, yeah, but oh, the black. Yeah.

[A]

The spit.

[B]

No, no, no. The reason why I quit smoking is cuz Remy died. My dog.

[C]

Lung cancer.

[B]

No, you man.

[C]

Bob. It's deck days at Lowe's and the

[A]

savings are stacked right now.

[C]

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[A]

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[B]

Support is available 24, 7 with VRBoCare. We're here day or night, ready whenever you need help.

[A]

Because a great trip starts with the right support. Amazon presents Jeff vs. Taco Truck Salsa. Whether it's verde roja or the orange

[C]

one, for Jeff, trying any salsa is

[A]

like playing Russian roulette with a flamethrower. Luckily, Jeff saved with Amazon on and stocked up on antacids, ginger tea and milk. Habanero. More like habanero. Yes. Save the everyday with Amazon. Go down to the coffee store, I'll

[B]

be out here smoking and let's have a stick together before we go to the coffee store. No, that's not what happened. Yeah, you have a long c. Your

[A]

dog has stage four lung cancer. That be insane saying how many packs is he smoking a day?

[B]

Yeah, yeah. But anyway. Hey man.

[A]

Hey. That little Brad William. There go that Brad William.

[B]

What's up man?

[A]

Go that, go that, go that, go that, go that Brad William, we thought we'd bring in your furniture from home, make you feel comfortable.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

I, I, I, I like it. I sat in the blue chair in case we're doing a gender reveal part.

[B]

Yeah. All right.

[A]

So some is that of this is a boiled hamburger.

[B]

Boiled hamburger.

[A]

So. So we've got this stuff. Carlos brought us this stuff. Carlos, why did you bring us this?

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

What is this for?

[C]

So you could see what it's like

[B]

to be like Brad.

[A]

Oh, this is what it's like for a toothpick.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

So then. Yeah, man. So. Wow.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah. It's tough, isn't it?

[A]

Big.

[B]

I realize how tough it is.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

But you can still write with this.

[C]

Well, but you got to use a toothbrush with two hands.

[B]

Oh, I see, I see.

[C]

A really hard scrub.

[A]

That's the only way it work.

[B]

Works.

[C]

Exactly, exactly.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. This is how they polish the pyramids. Remember back in the day?

[C]

Dwarves didn't.

[B]

Yeah. I wasn't there, but I'm just saying.

[A]

Wait, Dwarves didn't do that.

[C]

No, we didn't.

[B]

There was one dwarf that worked on the pyramid. How do you. The top one. You got. They send you up there. No.

[A]

Something tells me the dwarf was at the bottom. They were like, yeah, get the bottom. Get this. Get down there.

[C]

Yeah. It's like.

[B]

Yeah. But you can lift them to the top to put the little, you know, part at the top of it.

[C]

You see a dwarf window washer. He's not doing the top.

[A]

No, he's on the bottom.

[C]

He's on the bot.

[B]

You're on the bottom.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm just saying, you could be down the top.

[C]

I've always been a power bottom Bobby. You know this.

[B]

You know. Yeah, yeah. On top is fun for you. Is. Is.

[C]

Is top fun for window washing or sex? What are we talking about now?

[B]

Have you ever been to Jimmy ows?

[C]

Wait, what?

[B]

Jimmy.

[C]

Jimmy Y.

[A]

It's for men five, eight and under.

[B]

It's because that's where I get my suits.

[A]

That's where he gets his suits at. Jimmy O. I didn't know this was a real place.

[C]

This was never discussed in the meetings.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I highly recommend Jimmy Al's. They would love you.

[C]

I'm gonna have to go there.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[C]

Holy.

[B]

I go there all the time.

[C]

So, like, I will walk into Jimmy Owls and just be like, wow. I have a challenge for you guys.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

You know, you say five foot eight and under. Let's. Let's hit the.

[B]

No. They have it all.

[C]

They have it all.

[A]

Yeah, they do.

[B]

They have it all there.

[C]

My dwarf ass.

[B]

Yeah. Go to Jimmy Owls, dude.

[A]

They have a section called your dwarf ass in the back of Jimmy House. Yeah, we already plugged this guy so much. We're giving him good business.

[B]

I know. Yeah.

[C]

I mean, now. Now he's gonna get.

[B]

Probably. Dinklage goes.

[C]

All my money.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Wait, Dinklage goes.

[A]

He hates Dinklage.

[B]

I. I know. I know.

[A]

Arch Nemesis.

[C]

I can't.

[B]

But you're not gonna go at the same time. But you guys have, like, you know, I mean, a schedule.

[A]

Aren't you guys on an app?

[B]

Yeah, an app where it's like, we can't be here at the same time.

[C]

Two dwarves can't be.

[B]

Because there's only one section for you people.

[C]

Right?

[B]

So that's a lot of traffic.

[A]

Isn't there, like an I.

[B]

You have to make an appointment. You know, like, when dwarves can come in. Yeah.

[A]

Okay. So what, what, what store?

[B]

Go ahead.

[C]

The dwarf app actually is the same as the car app.

[A]

Lyft Lift. Very good.

[B]

It's good.

[A]

What store has the best dwarf clothing?

[C]

Oh, the best dwarf clothing.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, Brad's gonna go shopping today.

[B]

Aside from Gaps, kids. Yeah, yeah.

[C]

Frodos.

[B]

What called Frodos?

[C]

Let me tell you. Let me tell you.

[B]

That's. Dude, that's a great clothing. Dude. Yeah. Bag ends or the Shire or whatever you want to do. That's a. I think that's a good clothing business. Tell.

[C]

The best clothes are.

[B]

All right.

[A]

Tell. It's at Plantain Republic.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah,

[C]

you guys. Plantain Republic.

[B]

That's really funny.

[C]

Well done. Well done. I, I will say.

[A]

All right.

[C]

Selection at Build a Bear.

[A]

I knew it was coming.

[C]

It's so great.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

I could be an astronaut.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[C]

I can be a dancer.

[B]

That's so funny.

[C]

I knew whatever I want there.

[A]

And then we can put a little button in you so you have somebody's voice inside your stomach.

[C]

Yeah, I finally have a heartbeat.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

You don't have hearts.

[B]

No, but because remember the other day you were at the store a couple months ago and I was like, where'd you get that? Jack it. It's dope.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

No, Build a Bear.

[B]

I did ask him that. Why, Why'd you laugh at that?

[A]

They're not, they're not for you.

[B]

I know, I know, I know. But that's why Bobby asks, did I not? No, I was really like, I, I, I liked your fit that night.

[C]

Yeah, right.

[B]

So I was asking like, where do you get like, I, I feel like I go, where'd you get all that? You know, I mean, and you were explaining to me like, you, you know, a guy shirt.

[A]

That shirt is great. Where's that shirt from?

[C]

This shirt is from a, a kids bowling team.

[A]

That's dope.

[C]

I just jump. I, I just jumped him after a match.

[A]

Imagine.

[B]

I know what it was.

[C]

I can take them.

[B]

It was the pants.

[C]

Oh, the pants.

[B]

Remember the pants? You go and you. And you bought a bunch of those.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

Yeah. So that's what it was. You made.

[A]

Yeah. If you find something that, that's good. See, I do that anyway. If I find something I like buying is a bunch of them.

[C]

Let's go. That's what you do. I buy in all the cars you have to.

[A]

Why? If I like it, it's fits. Because I don't like how certain jeans fit or pan. I'm like, I'm just gonna buy a few of these.

[C]

Because you have the opposite problem with me. You have like long legs, but then no ass.

[A]

I got a nice ass.

[C]

It's no ass.

[A]

Out of your.

[B]

You're out of your mind.

[C]

Kidding me. That is. Yeah, yeah, but you're bending over.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a really good.

[A]

Sticking it out.

[B]

Good ass, dude.

[C]

That's booty. Yeah, but now the pants are pushing it up.

[B]

What about mine? What about mine?

[C]

All right, hold on, let me judge. You asked for it. I asked for it.

[A]

No, it stands straight up. Look at it. Now look at my ass.

[C]

Okay, you know what?

[A]

This.

[C]

You know what, brother?

[A]

I got a great. You're out of your mind.

[C]

I stand corrected.

[A]

I have a nice.

[C]

I, I stand corrected. Only hair at the bottom.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

How'd you do that?

[A]

Well, look at this. Look inside.

[B]

Yeah. It's so pink. Dude, you have the pinkest I've ever seen. It's so pink.

[A]

I won an award in 06.

[B]

You did?

[C]

You definitely have a virgin.

[A]

I do, brother.

[B]

It's like a piglets, this guy.

[A]

I just never been touched. It's never been touched. It's never been abused.

[B]

That's not what I'm saying. The color has do about a. Oh,

[A]

it has a lot to do with.

[B]

Oh, really?

[A]

Yours is dark as night.

[B]

I know. You know, black eye. Somebody's punching my. I'm just ethnic.

[A]

They're punching it with their weed.

[B]

No, they're not, dude.

[A]

No, they're not.

[B]

It's.

[A]

Who lives in your. Is the Greenland shark down there.

[B]

Who has a darker.

[A]

The Greenland shark or me by far. You okay.

[C]

Oh, like I, I literally. You have the pinkest I have ever seen.

[B]

It's so pink. It's insane.

[A]

I bet you do.

[C]

You out your mouth, cuz. There's no way.

[B]

There's no way. You're a genius.

[C]

You must out your mouth.

[A]

You've seen what I do on stage. Yes, I do. Out of my mouth.

[B]

Are you a little bisexual or.

[C]

No, no. I, I, I've had a. I've had a male. Male female threesome.

[A]

Yeah, the devil threesome.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Devil's three. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've heard of that. That move.

[C]

The.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Devil's Two and a half. Yeah, it was a lot of fun.

[B]

Oh yeah.

[C]

We didn't do an Eiffel Tower. We did a leading tower. It was a tall guy in me.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

This tall guy made. So I've done that. I thought I, I don't know where that puts.

[B]

But did you touch the guy at all in any way?

[C]

Yeah, but it was accidental.

[B]

Oh, yeah, yeah. There's always accidental rubbing.

[C]

Yeah, there was.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Well, like, we had to, like we had to switch positions at one point. Right. And this is back.

[B]

I'm gonna just tell you right now, if I ever had sex with you and another girl, I'll be laughing so hard I would not be able to get hard. Dude, you know how funny that is? Be. Oh, my God, you would.

[C]

You would be hearing the sound of Mario getting a coin every time I thrust.

[B]

Oh, my God, dude. Oh my God. So funny. Dude.

[A]

How.

[C]

All right. How scared would you be if you were having a threesome? And. And the. And the other male was a dwarf of the.

[B]

Of.

[C]

Of the male having the bigger dick than you.

[A]

Oh.

[C]

Cuz that, that's why I got to give this guy props that had the three swim with me.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Because like, he was very confident. It turned out I found out why. But a big old. Yeah.

[B]

Can I ask you a serious question, if I may, because we're around. But you know me, I want to ask him a serious question.

[A]

Of course.

[B]

Do you think as a comic, like, sometimes I think, you know, like, the reason why, you know, I had the upper hand in comedy was because I'm a smaller Korean dude and I look the way that I do. Right. Which sets me apart from other people. You mean. Do you think that the dwarvism helped you in your comedy?

[C]

Oh, at first it helped.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

And then later it hurt.

[B]

What do you mean?

[C]

Because at first it helped because.

[A]

Because of his joints. I mean, they're really there.

[C]

It's hard. I had to walk a long way. Those comedy stools on stage are high.

[A]

You know how high the stage is.

[C]

Oh, my God. I had to get a Sherpa for those things.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. They had to make one of those. Get him up on stage. Go ahead.

[C]

So it helped at first.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Because then for the exact reasons that you described, that people wanted something different on the show. They didn't to want to just your average straight white male. Like, like, like just a straight redheaded white guy. Like, that's so boring.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

That's just so horrible and boring. Even if they do have a nice.

[B]

Because I believe that it was harder for you.

[A]

Let him finish. But.

[C]

And then. So that got me on shows. But then it was harder to get past the threshold of people think I was a gimmick and people to actually like, pass me on to the next stage of like. Oh, no. But he's. He's actually funny. Like, actually funny. He's on stage.

[B]

I Don't know, dude. I think that's your own head saying that because it's like, you know, I

[A]

mean, there's a lot of space there.

[C]

A lot of space.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

That's an echo.

[B]

Oh, it's okay. Yeah.

[C]

That's a big old head. Yeah.

[B]

When I was on the cruise, when I was performing, I thought to myself, brad, you would have just disappeared because he was shaking back and forth.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

Yeah, me and. Gone to the other side.

[C]

Dude, I love comedy on cruises. Fun, right?

[A]

Fun.

[C]

He love it when it's a theme cruise. Did you do the. Do the Joker's One and Bert's cruise?

[B]

No, I did the. The Workaholics, guys.

[C]

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Okay.

[B]

That was really fun, that. Yeah, it was me sports and it was so much fun.

[C]

That's so cool.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah. I do the Chris Jericho Rock and Wrestling Rager at Sea.

[B]

Wow.

[C]

So that's pro wrestling, comedy and heavy metal on a boat.

[A]

Do you get to wrestle?

[C]

Oh, there's clips.

[A]

Oh, really?

[C]

Yeah. There. There is a clip of me giving Hornswoggle a stone cold stunner.

[A]

You can find that way.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, he took off your hat.

[C]

He stole my hat. That son of a. Gives me the finger.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[C]

That was the moment when, like, Sonic the Hedgehog gets hit and the coins just fly out of him. Me giving another dwarf a stunner.

[A]

You got to go down there. It'll take him an hour to get back.

[C]

Wow, that sounds so. That was so much fun. So, like. So, like, as a wrestling fan, I could tell you, like, the holy chant is like, a. One of the best compliments a wrestler could get. And. And we got that just staring at each other.

[B]

Oh, wow. Wow.

[C]

I. I didn't have to go through, like, a table of thumbtacks or anything.

[A]

It's a very. Look at that. That's a very holy moment.

[B]

Did you practice that?

[C]

No.

[B]

Oh, Instinctual.

[C]

Felt it in the moment, man.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

That's a dwarf on dwarf crime.

[B]

Okay. Wow.

[A]

I'd love to know those stats on dwarf. On dwarf crime. That's my. Look at my favorite thing. You. You did it. But it was the same height as before.

[C]

As I'm sitting down. It's the bro. I have watched Dwarves get into actual fights. It is so funny.

[A]

Really.

[C]

It is so funny. I. So every summer, there's a. There's a national dwarf convention.

[A]

Oh, my God. We gotta go.

[B]

We gotta go.

[A]

Where is it?

[C]

This year it's. This year it's Mordor. That's very good. This Year it's in New Orleans.

[B]

Oh, we gotta go.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Little Rock,

[C]

Smallville, Pebbleton.

[B]

Back.

[A]

The little people of America at the LPA National Conference is an annual week long event providing support, education, community for people with dism and their families.

[C]

And that's a fun way of saying boning.

[A]

Last year was. Cuz that's all it's for. Last year was in San Diego.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Wow.

[C]

I went to that one.

[A]

So the tickets half off. So when you Stop it. Dude.

[C]

Only when it's in Minneapolis.

[A]

Minneapolis. Yes.

[B]

That's a good one.

[A]

Very good.

[B]

That's a really good one.

[A]

Very good. Yeah.

[B]

So.

[C]

So this year it should not be in Ireland. If it's in Ireland, we're going to trip some people the out.

[A]

Yeah, dude.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Someone's going to walk out of a pub and go, holy.

[A]

This is like the. It's like when the crickets fell from the sky. You know it's happening.

[C]

That's a sign of the apocalypse.

[A]

So click on that thing. The future National. I want to see this. 2026, it's happening in July.

[C]

Yep. July, it's in New Orleans. And then 2027, it's in New York. New York.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Wait, why can't we go to this is it.

[C]

Is it.

[B]

If we went, would it be weird or.

[A]

No.

[B]

Yeah, Okay.

[A]

I mean yeah, it would be showing off.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

We don't have security guards or anything. Oh, okay.

[A]

You guys need to grab something from up on a top shelf or something.

[C]

We need you guys.

[B]

But the people that are working there are no dwarves, are there or no.

[C]

I mean yeah, it's all.

[B]

It's all everyone working there is dwarves as well.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Wow.

[C]

Yeah. So like the.

[B]

Is the building smaller?

[C]

No, it's. It's a regular hotel which always trips me out cuz there's people staying in this hotel hotel that don't know there's a dwarf convention going on when they book it and they just show up like I've hit the.

[A]

Some guy on a sales trip walks.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

The marquee walks out of the bar. They're in the lobby. He's like,

[C]

could you imagine if you did drugs for like the first time and then you woke up the next

[A]

day at the Marriott you're surrounded by dwarves tripping on mushrooms.

[C]

I'd be like, holy, I fell into Narnia.

[B]

So how many people go to this convention?

[C]

Over a thousand.

[B]

Right? So that's like 300 regular people.

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

A thousand little people go every single year. And now is this raising money for anything at All.

[C]

Yeah. So it's a lpa.

[A]

It's a.

[B]

What does that stand for? Lpa?

[C]

Little People of America.

[B]

Oh, there is an organization?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Little people of America.

[C]

LPs in America.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Yeah. And now, now this is actually, let's be honest, this is similar to summer camps and all that stuff. This is just a hookup convention for young singers. Single. Yeah. Yes.

[C]

Yeah. You. You. You go all year and you're in your friend zoned. And then you go to a dwarf convention and you're hot as.

[A]

That's pretty.

[B]

Wow.

[C]

And it's awesome.

[A]

Like now, were you getting late to these when you were single? When you were going to these?

[C]

Bro.

[A]

Wait, seriously?

[C]

With other dwarves, bro.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Really?

[C]

I've got stories.

[B]

Give us a wait.

[C]

I've got story. I've laid. I've laid waste to some little women.

[B]

So little women to turn you on?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[A]

You're married to.

[B]

You're married.

[A]

What do you mean little women Turn.

[B]

Yeah. Why is that funny?

[A]

Because you acted surprised.

[B]

No, I.

[A]

No, he inquired.

[B]

No, because. I'll tell you why. Because I know some Asian dudes are attracted to white girls and not the same.

[C]

It is the same traders.

[A]

No, it's not.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

They're traitors. Right? Yeah. I love Asian.

[A]

He's married to a full size Asian woman.

[B]

I understand that. I know her.

[A]

He's a traitor. He's a traitor.

[B]

Yeah. He's not a traitor.

[A]

That's. That was.

[B]

You are a trader.

[C]

Lot of the dwarf women call me a traitor.

[B]

Do they really?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

That's insane.

[C]

Yeah, this is very true.

[B]

No.

[A]

What do you mean? This is the same as like black guys. What?

[C]

Like black guys with white girls. Yeah.

[A]

What's up?

[C]

Like black dudes when they're with white girls. That doesn't happen.

[A]

Vice versa. Hey, hey.

[C]

Who's the traitor?

[A]

They're going to leave him out there. Yeah, go ahead, let him fly.

[B]

Oh no, I don't need help on this because I know it's true.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Yeah, he.

[B]

Oh, he knows about black women complain that black men or with white girl. Oh, right, right. Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

Oh, dude.

[B]

That's what he meant.

[A]

I thought he meant he didn't like it.

[C]

Oh, no.

[A]

I was like. Are you good?

[B]

Yeah, I didn't. I didn't read that.

[A]

But you understand that was my boiled hamburger moment.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[C]

But also he didn't. But also he doesn't like it.

[A]

But he doesn't like it.

[C]

No.

[A]

Yeah. What it's worth. Yeah.

[C]

Let's be honest.

[A]

No, but, but. Okay. How many and these are all. You're all a consenting adult. How many little people? How many little women? Women love that movie. How many little women? How many little women?

[C]

We should remake it with little women.

[A]

Why? Do they not.

[C]

How is that not.

[A]

How many little women in a week? It's a weekend.

[C]

It's a week.

[A]

It's a full week.

[C]

Yeah, full week.

[A]

What was the full takedown number of a full week of how many women did you sleep with?

[C]

Of my best year.

[A]

Your best year?

[C]

I mean, we. We hit two hands.

[B]

No way.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

You're talking one or two a day. Yeah. Wow.

[C]

It was fun.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

I told you. It's a carnival.

[B]

Wow.

[C]

I was mat rife at that damn thing. It was great.

[A]

You hooked up with Matt.

[B]

Rife of little people.

[C]

The mad rifle little people.

[B]

Yeah. Wow.

[A]

He's doing crowd work.

[C]

Yeah, No, I had a. I had a very good time when I was single.

[B]

That's amazing.

[C]

It was fun.

[B]

But who do you find more attractive? Little people. Or.

[C]

And, and this sounds non little or non little people.

[B]

Like what do you. Or reachers or reachers could be. Call them reachers.

[A]

Wait, what's our. What's our derogatory names? Reachers. What's the other one you call us?

[C]

Biggers.

[A]

Bigger. Yeah. Bigger.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Bigger.

[B]

So what do you find more attractive now?

[C]

Do I. I say hard R. Okay. You have to say big.

[A]

I'll say biggest.

[C]

Yeah, I can say biggers.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Okay. Got it.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

Don't like you. Bigger.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Biggers be crazy.

[B]

So do you prefer biggers. Biggers or. Or do you prefer little us?

[A]

Littlers.

[B]

Little us, Right.

[C]

Lilliputians.

[B]

Lilliputians. Yeah. I'm just learning. Learning this.

[C]

It sounds crazy, but I truly don't have a preference.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

I truly don't.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because he's been with both women.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

It's great.

[B]

I've just never had the opportunity to date a. A little person.

[C]

Come on, you're Asian. There's plenty

[A]

too many to many women. You are the little person.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. But you know what I mean though.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. Have you had the opportunity, like I never been hit on by a little person or.

[C]

Gotta go to the convention, man.

[A]

Yeah, I mean, I've never. I never have. That's kind of crazy. No, I've never been hit on. But. But. Because here's the thing. Every time I've ever seen like a little woman, she's with a little man. Yeah, it's.

[B]

It's.

[A]

It's. It's like I'VE seen many little men in public. Little men. I've seen.

[B]

I don't know. Slow down.

[A]

I've seen many male dwarfs in public without women. Like by themselves or in a group. But I've almost never seen a dwarf woman with a group of other dwarf women in public out on the town.

[B]

Why did there needs to be more than one? You have a selection.

[A]

Just saying.

[C]

What do you call that group?

[B]

They're not M&M's.

[A]

What do I call them?

[C]

Yeah, it's like a murderer Crows.

[B]

I like the green M and Ms.

[C]

I mean, what's a group of dwarves? Is it a. Is it a coaster of dwarves?

[A]

I don't know, dude. I've never seen you look at those girls. For a handful of.

[B]

I could see like 20 women coming

[C]

out of a wayo, bro. There. There was one time at a convention where there. There was. There was a group. There was a group action go going on. And there was.

[A]

There was an orgy.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Of little people having little people orgy. Yeah.

[C]

And there was about.

[B]

But that LP I call LPOs.

[C]

LPOs.

[A]

Stop it, Carlos. Stop it.

[B]

Stop it, stop it, stop it.

[C]

We all slept in the same bed that night, but instead we slept like sideways,

[B]

like sardines.

[C]

We. We. We fit.

[A]

You fit?

[C]

We fit.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. Wow.

[A]

That's the thing about that convention. You guys can all share a room, huh?

[B]

Yeah. Like puppies and stuff. Like a litter. You call it a litter?

[C]

He told you. It's called a handful.

[A]

Handful.

[C]

Handful of one.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

And yeah, yeah. You throw a couple pillows in the bathtub. You three more in there.

[B]

Wow.

[C]

Wow, you're good.

[B]

So how many people fit on the bed? I want to do the math on this.

[C]

So, and this is real.

[B]

What size bed is it?

[A]

A Wait, wait, wait. It's a king hotel bed.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

He's going to tell you what is actually real.

[B]

Tell me.

[A]

No jokes.

[B]

No jokes.

[C]

No jokes. We always make sure there's either like six or eight of them of us.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[C]

There can't be seven of us.

[B]

Why?

[C]

The animals start singing.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

We do that on purpose.

[B]

There's just like a sleeping white girl in the back.

[C]

We will literally look around, be like, okay, there's six. If one guy comes up, we're like, you can't come in.

[A]

You can't come in.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Find another.

[B]

That's really. That's lore then. It's a lore thing.

[C]

We don't like it.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. Oh, you don't like it.

[C]

Yeah, we like. We're there can't There cannot be seven of us in a room.

[B]

Wow, that's so funny. But that's really fun. Nine's fine though. No, yeah, yeah, yeah. Any. None but seven because.

[C]

Okay, totally cool.

[B]

Because of the movie. Yeah, yeah.

[C]

By the way, did. Did you guys see the. The results of the Razzie Awards?

[A]

No.

[B]

No.

[C]

The CGI dwarf actors.

[A]

Oh, that's right. You.

[C]

You won an award, which I think is.

[B]

I think that's great.

[C]

Fantastic.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

That, you know, it was not actual Dwarves playing the dwarves.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Which I know you have a big gripe with.

[B]

Are you still mad at that?

[C]

Yeah, of course I'm still mad that.

[B]

That.

[C]

That's not on a payday, dude.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. All.

[A]

All seven artificial dwarfs, all the AICGI dwarves got.

[C]

Yeah, yeah. As we're as worst supporting actor and

[A]

Nicholas Cage was up there. Stephen Dorth, Greg Kinnear and Sylvester Stallone.

[B]

Who was Cage with Cage from what?

[A]

Gunslingers.

[B]

Oh, I see.

[C]

Yeah. We. Yeah, he phones it in. 7. Seven CGI dwarves didn't used to one for worst supporting Actor. And according to this website. Website. They took home a joint Razzie stealing yet another award that could have gone to a real life Dwarf.

[B]

Let me ask you something.

[C]

I could have won that, Razzie.

[B]

Now, if they did use Dwarves in the actual movie and you didn't get the part of the seven, would you be mad? Heartbroken. Oh, yeah. That would be heartbreaking. It's like being one of the funniest guys on planet Earth and not getting it.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Right. That would be heartbreaking.

[C]

It. It truly would be. Because it's like there, there's not that many of us doing the act in the acting space.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

Like how many in the.

[A]

I would argue there's too many of you in the non.

[C]

Gotta get you down to one profession.

[B]

Probably 20. Right.

[C]

I mean, you see the same guys at every audition.

[B]

Right.

[C]

You know, like, so it's like 50,

[B]

50 getting it for you.

[C]

Probably.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

If they used war.

[B]

Who's your like Frederick Douglass or like, is there a historical figure that you can go back to?

[C]

Absolutely.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. Who is it?

[C]

Bill Barty.

[A]

Billy Bar.

[B]

That's what I want to know. Look up Billy Barty here.

[C]

Billy Barty, he was an actor and he actually founded Little People of America. He founded lpa.

[B]

Wow.

[C]

So we. So all of those orgies happen because of Billy?

[A]

Yeah. Thank you. Billy Barty.

[B]

That's your mlk.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

Wow. Yeah, we, we. We should at least get a half day off work.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

For. For his birthday.

[B]

I had a dream. You're right. He doesn't. A speech.

[C]

I mean, I'd make fun of you, but that's kind of what he sounded like.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Billy Barty.

[C]

Yeah, that so that, yeah. So that's our guy.

[B]

Wow, that's your guy.

[A]

And how, and how, and how long ago did he pass away? How long has he been dead? I don't know. Let me see. 2000. He died 2000.

[B]

So you never met him?

[C]

Oh, no, I, I, I met him.

[B]

You've met Billy Barty?

[C]

Yeah, I've.

[B]

Wow.

[C]

Yeah, he's great guy.

[B]

Would you get nervous when you met him?

[C]

No, because I didn't really know who he was.

[A]

Was. But then he didn't know his social impact at the time.

[B]

You didn't?

[C]

Yeah. And now, and now I know you

[B]

blew off Billy Barty.

[C]

Yeah,

[A]

he was in Willow.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

He was just.

[B]

I remember him. Willow. Yeah.

[C]

He was the sorcerer. That's like the power to control the universe is in.

[B]

What finger was he R2D2 or.

[C]

No, that was Kenny Baker.

[B]

Oh, Kenny Baker.

[C]

I know way too much.

[B]

Yeah, no, that's good. You know your history. I think that's important.

[C]

I got to know my history. They get. They gave us a monthly.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

So it's more of a pamphlet. Not really a whole book.

[A]

So he died at what, what does it say? Yeah, 76. Is that what he was?

[B]

But historically, but historically, who's your. Like you. Do you have a Genghis Khan back

[C]

then or oh, like, oh, like an evil dwarf.

[B]

Like, is there an evil dwarf back then? Like 203, 400 years?

[C]

I mean, I think there was one dwarf serial killer.

[B]

Oh, whoa. This is.

[C]

Dude, I forget his name.

[A]

Well, look at this. There's, there's a couple here. There's Tom Thumb. The original Tom Thumb. Charles Stratton.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And then there was Count Joseph Barowski, a 33 Polish born entertainer, musician, author, who was welcome European course later lived in England. The Ovitz family. Family. Jewish entertainers. Romania.

[C]

The o. Okay. The Ovitz family. I, if, if, if you gave me unlimited power in Hollywood, I make that movie the overtime. Yeah.

[B]

Because why? Why, why? Why?

[C]

They were a family of Jewish dwarves from Romania. But they were taken to Auschwitz and they were experimented on. And like they were. Did all. And not all of them survived.

[A]

Don't do it.

[C]

Come on, do it. Don't do it. Bobby, don't.

[A]

It's a hat on a hat. Don't.

[B]

I really don't have a joke for it.

[A]

Don't.

[B]

Yeah. You don't do it.

[C]

Dude. Don't do it to my face.

[A]

Don't look at me.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

Remember, I have a child.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Just a. Stop it.

[B]

You want.

[A]

These are gonna put you guys in the toaster oven.

[C]

Easy Bake. Easy bake.

[B]

You guys are in dog cages.

[C]

Yeah, yeah. You heard the ding of the easy Baker? Like, ding.

[A]

Dwarves are done.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[C]

So those are the worst jokes.

[A]

Dwarves of aitz.

[C]

Yep.

[A]

Wow. That's so up.

[B]

So up.

[C]

That's the documentary that we.

[B]

Dude, the food. No I to ask. What are you doing Real though. Stop it. Can I be real about it? Right? It's just like. You mean, right? You. They weren't as hungry as.

[C]

I knew it.

[A]

I knew it.

[C]

Because it's not as if they give

[B]

you like less bread. They give you less.

[C]

They give everyone a slice of bread. We're sitting there like reading good.

[B]

You just get like a crouton.

[C]

We got to starve the dwarves.

[B]

What.

[C]

What do we do?

[B]

Crouton. Crouton. Make him a crouton.

[A]

Crouton is a loaf of bread.

[B]

What are you going to a lo. The same amount of food?

[C]

I don't know. I wasn't there.

[B]

Okay. All right.

[A]

That old.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

Seven dwarves of Auschwitz. The fact there were seven of them.

[A]

Seven dwarfs of Aus. That's the original story. That's where from.

[B]

That's.

[A]

That is crazy.

[C]

Remake that Disney. And I swear to God, if you. If you CGI people.

[B]

Seven dwarves. That's a cool. Wow that they got to make that movie. I really want movie that you should produce.

[C]

I want to produce it.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

I just don't have them enough right now.

[A]

No, you got to find the rights to it is what you got to do.

[B]

Yeah. Who has the IP of that?

[C]

Who the hell is John the Dwarf?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

John the Dwarf, the desert father of early Christianity.

[A]

Yeah. John what? John the Dwarf.

[C]

Blame me.

[A]

A Coptic desert. Yeah. Coptic desert father.

[C]

Yeah. All right. And then there was one dwarf I know who. Who was actually the one that actually mapped like the inside of the human body. Like one of the first ones.

[A]

Well, because he could crawl in there.

[C]

Exactly. Get in there.

[A]

There it is.

[C]

Make one slice and I'm in there.

[B]

Through where?

[C]

How do you know where the liver is? I've been there, cuz I. I've been there. I can tell the.

[B]

We're so sorry, man.

[C]

Why?

[B]

I feel bad. I feel. I mean. That's not funny, dude.

[C]

It's okay.

[B]

So up.

[C]

It's all right.

[B]

I see him just crawling around. He's Crawling.

[C]

Andrew. Andrew. You'd see the lump in the chest like from Alien. In fact, that's what the motivation for Alien was. That burst out of the chest, he

[B]

pull his head out. There are five arteries.

[C]

The heart.

[B]

There are fivers on the heart. There's five.

[C]

There's four. There's four chambers.

[A]

God damn. Hold on.

[C]

I'm going to find out how many stomachs we have. I'll be right back.

[B]

Immediately.

[A]

What do you think?

[B]

He's been in there for so long.

[C]

Come, come in with a straw.

[B]

Oh God.

[A]

Brad. This is why we've been friends for so long.

[B]

So long.

[A]

Cuz we have the most fun.

[B]

We love you so much.

[A]

Damn, dude.

[C]

Oh God.

[A]

And Brad by the way. Oh Brad, by the way. For people that want to know, not just a great guy, great comedian has a special out right now. Please go watch. It's live lot. Listen to the title of this. You ready?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It's real. Tell them the name of the title

[C]

live on Short Street.

[A]

It was filmed on Short Street. The theater. The theater he filmed it at sits on short.

[B]

Wow.

[C]

Lexington in Lexing, Kentucky.

[B]

And when does it come out, Brad?

[C]

April 12th.

[B]

April 12th.

[C]

Check it out. April 12th on my YouTube channel. Go to Brad Williams comedy. You can. You. You can watch it. Some might argue it's a short film.

[B]

Amazing.

[C]

Yeah, that dude. If that ever won. Like I should make that Seven dwarves. About seven dwarves of Auschwitz. But make it a short film.

[A]

Oh my God.

[C]

Just so we can win best short film at the Oscars. So good.

[B]

That'd be so good.

[A]

He's a little funny. No, he's very funny. Go see the man live right now, Brad.

[B]

Look at them and say thank you. Thank you for being a big bad friend.

[C]

Hey everybody. Thank you for being a bad friend. Wow.

[A]

So good.

[B]

Support is available 247 with Verbo Care. We're here day or night, ready whenever you need help.

[A]

Because a great trip starts with the right support.