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Bobby
Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you Happy birthday. Happy birthday to you.
Kiddo
Guys, it's.
Bob
It's funny because you're dressed in a suit, wearing a tie, because you're going to a big event. You're going to. Ooh, an event where Steven Spielberg is going to talk about disclosure day for his. And I told you. Let me finish. I told you before this podcast. Just go now. Go now, because you're not going to be here for the pod. And I realized why you stayed for the Happy Birthday song.
Kiddo
Because also, I wanted to, because you didn't know it was my birthday.
Bobby
Yeah.
Bob
Nor did I care.
Kiddo
I know.
Bobby
That's fair.
Bob
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Bobby
Blow out your Ralph's cake.
Bob
Happy birthday, kiddo.
Kiddo
Thanks, Bob. Yeah, that was crazy. My wish was, I wish Bobby cared about my birthday. And right when I blew it out, you said, happy.
Bob
Dude. It's so weird that you just said that, because my. My emotions just changed about it. And I'm gonna give you a hug. It was like obsession. Wow.
Bobby
The wishbone.
Bob
Yeah. Yeah. Come here. Wishbone.
Bobby
Wishbone. You thought I saw it?
Bob
No.
Bobby
And I'll say this. Are you drinking? You're not drinking this?
Kiddo
No.
Bobby
So you got this just for me to drink alone?
Kiddo
Well, for.
Bob
I wanted McCone to have something.
Bobby
Okay, I'll tell. Cheers.
Kiddo
Yeah.
Bobby
And you know what pisses me off about this kid? I sent him a text this morning, and in the text, it said, happy birthday. You continue to let me down
Bob
here.
Bobby
Cheers. Cheers.
Bob
All right.
Kiddo
Cheers.
Bobby
Okay. Kind of operation are we running here? I sent him glasses. At least I sent him a real glasses.
Kiddo
From Ralph.
Bob
Okay.
Bobby
Happy birthday. You continue to let me down year after year, and I know this following year will be just the same. Love you.
Bob
I didn't text you, but I'd like to do a live text.
Bobby
Yeah, live. Text them.
Bob
Yeah. You've grown enormously over the years. I've realized you do have talent. You really do.
Kiddo
Thank you.
Bob
Yeah. You're a creative kid. You have talent. And I. You know, being a Hollywood piece of shit is gonna. I'm gonna treat you nicer because I believe. I believe one day you will get that opportunity. So I'm gonna change, right? And go, kid. Kiddo. Dude. You got it, kid. And you're talented, and I embrace you, and I want you to have a good time tonight. And whatever you need, I got you. If he gives you money, I'll give you double.
Bobby
I gave him five grand.
Bob
I'm gonna give you ten grand.
Bobby
No, but I'. Five grand. And five grand on his Birthday.
Bob
Which for. For why?
Bobby
Birthday party, huh?
Bob
Why'd you give him five grand today?
Bobby
Because I. Well, he needed the money. He said he can't pay rent, so I gave him five grand. And then I said, on Friday at your birthday party, I'll give you another five. So 10.
Bob
I'll give you.
Bobby
So 20.
Bob
Yeah, yeah. But then I have to see the receipts first to know that you got the money, and then I will do.
Bobby
It was cash. I gave him cash.
Bob
I'd like to see the cash. Yeah, yeah. Do you have the cash on you?
Kiddo
It's in my car.
Bob
It's in your car? Go grab. Grab it.
Bobby
It's.
Bob
It's. It's redheaded trickery.
Bobby
He's not a redhead.
Bob
I know you.
Bobby
I'm not a trick.
Bob
You're a deceiver.
Bobby
You're a treat.
Bob
Yeah.
Kiddo
Yeah.
Bobby
Well, what annoys me about the kid is he saw me get out of my car and he stared at my hand like an autistic little. An autistic little spy. And he was like, oh, what is that? Is that a gift for me? And it's annoying because it is, but it's so annoying that you stared. You didn't even say hi. You just stared at my hands to see when I walked out of my car. Like, he's just, like, such a little autistic weirdo. He didn't say hi. He just looked down at my arms and. To see what I'm carrying and then looked up at me. That's why I pushed him as hard as I could.
Bob
What did he give you?
Kiddo
He hasn't given it to me yet, but I believe it's a record.
Bob
Oh, it's a record.
Kiddo
On the shape of the package.
Bob
Two records now. Oh, two records now.
Kiddo
Okay, well, three, including the two that Bobby will get me.
Bob
No, I'm. I'm not going to give you record. I'm going to do something better. Yeah, I'm going to double down on it.
Bobby
All right. Get the record.
Bob
Okay. Happy birthday, bud.
Bobby
This is a very special. And so let me warn you something before you do this. Know that this is graded and rated twice. Okay? If you know anything about collections, this guy. Okay.
Bob
You're so annoying.
Bobby
Okay. You're still.
Bob
You are so annoying.
Bobby
I learned it. I learned it this morning.
Bob
I know. You learn a lot.
Bobby
I don't know anything about it.
Bob
It's like the cards he gave me from Arsenal. Yeah.
Bobby
I mean, what. Those were super valuable.
Bob
I understand that. That's why it's in a safe.
Bobby
I didn't know anything about cards.
Bob
I understand. So tell me how much this is.
Bobby
So, all I know is this woman told me these are graded. The. The COVID is mint. It's m. It got a mint cover and it got two pluses. Plus, plus on the physical. Like air, one water. It's very special on the physical.
Hosts: Bobby Lee & Andrew Santino
Special Guest/Recurring Character: "Kiddo"
Theme: Birthday Banter, Friendship Roasting, and Gift Exchanges
This Patreon-exclusive episode of Bad Friends revolves around a hilariously chaotic and heartfelt birthday celebration for the recurring character "Kiddo." Bobby and Andrew lean into their trademark style—a mix of genuine affection and relentless roasting—as they bestow a barrage of gifts, backhanded compliments, and escalating birthday shenanigans.
Quote:
"Nor did I care." – Bobby Lee [00:49]
Quote:
"You continue to let me down year after year, and I know this following year will be just the same. Love you." – Bobby Lee [01:55]
Quote:
"If he gives you money, I'll give you double." – Andrew Santino [02:43]
"I'll give you...So 20." – Andrew Santino, on escalating amounts [03:05]
Quote:
"He just stared at my hands like an autistic little...an autistic little spy." – Bobby Lee [03:25]
“Know that this is graded and rated twice...It got a mint cover and it got two pluses. Plus, plus on the physical. Like air, one water. It's very special on the physical.” – Bobby Lee [04:29, 04:46]
Roasting as Love Language:
Escalating Generosity:
“If he gives you money, I'll give you double.”
Andrew Santino [02:43]
“I'll give you...So 20.”
Andrew Santino [03:05]
Social Awkwardness Observed:
Inside Collecting Jokes:
In this episode, Bobby and Andrew take their signature blend of roast and warmth to another level as they mark Kiddo’s birthday. The poignancy of slightly heartfelt moments weaves through a relentless spitfire of insults and jokes, with extravagant and deliberately ludicrous gift-giving (“I gave him five grand”; “I'll give you double!”) at the core. The team lampoons each other about authenticity, money, and the subtle art of being weirdly generous while maintaining the upper hand. Quips about collectible grading, social awkwardness, and the transactional nature of their "affection" create a vivid (and hilarious) slice of the Bad Friends universe.