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Andrew Santino
This episode is brought to you by Rumchata, a delicious, creamy blend of horchata with rum. It's best enjoyed over ice or in your coffee. Rumchata. Delivering vacation vibes anyway, or anywhere you drink it. Find out more@rumchata.com Drink responsibly. Caribbean rum with real dairy cream, natural and artificial flavors. Alcohol 13.75% by volume 27.5 proof. Copyright 2025, Agave Loco Brands, Pojoaquee, Wisconsin. All rights reserved. You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots?
Bobby Lee
White dude and an Asian dude.
Andrew Santino
You two are disgusting.
Carlos
You two or something.
Andrew Santino
We're bad friends.
Carlos
Probably one of the funnest birthday parties I've ever been to.
Andrew Santino
Was it one of the most fun birthday parties you've ever done?
Carlos
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
There's Chef Yoon right there.
Carlos
He was out of pocket.
Andrew Santino
What did he do? He didn't do anything.
Carlos
Try to squirt stuff in my mouth.
Andrew Santino
Well, he had a Saki squirt gun. Yeah, he had a little Saki squirt gun. Show the Saki squirt gun. When I let me. Like the. There's Max getting right in the mouth. Yeah, that had sake and super Soaker. Super Soaker, by the way. Invented by a black guy. We learned. Stolen by a white guy.
Carlos
Wow.
Andrew Santino
We learned that.
Carlos
We learned that.
Andrew Santino
But show the one of me. He let me. He let me light the grill on fire. Huge. More, more, more. He kept yelling. And then he goes, saki squirt gun. And he unloads maybe 16 ounces.
Carlos
Wait, wait. He started the Palisades fire.
Dax Flame
Sexy.
Andrew Santino
Y. Y. And Yun, he hits himself in the face. He has flaming rods, and he hits himself clean in the face. Not once there, but he does it. He does it twice. He did it right after this. Do it again. Right in the face. Twice.
Carlos
But I told him three times. I go, I'm sober. The fourth time, he's like, you want to relapse?
Andrew Santino
He.
Carlos
He didn't listen.
Andrew Santino
Relax. Work on. He was so fun. That guy was one of the most fun times I've ever had in my entire.
Carlos
I was threatened by him.
Andrew Santino
You loved him.
Carlos
I made an announcement, remember? I go, don't replace him with me.
Andrew Santino
I would. Yeah. I said, are you. Are you busy? Do you want to do a podcast?
Carlos
He had. He had real good energy.
Andrew Santino
Great comedic timing.
Carlos
Yeah, good comedic timing. I've been a little off lately.
Andrew Santino
There's me getting scored. Wow. What a silhouette. Looks like someone's pissing in my mouth. Internet. Take this and run with it. Yeah, take this and run with it. Carlos also did not get squirted in the mouth. Carlos, of course, is a for. It's our Halloween. It's our spooky Halloween episode. You got a Halloween song prepared by Bob.
Carlos
Oh, I'm not. No, I'm doing the beat. Let's see who goes first. Scary Halloween, Scary Halloween bum. Scary Halloween.
Andrew Santino
Who do we have in the studio?
Carlos
The. Are you. What the.
Andrew Santino
You don't just get to moan. She thought it was a native champ.
Carlos
Yeah, she's a party girl.
Andrew Santino
She was going to do a haka there, you know.
Carlos
She's a party girl.
Bobby Lee
Yeah.
Carlos
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
Whoa. What's going on with you? You know what's so funny?
Carlos
Going out with all these black guys.
Andrew Santino
Yikes.
Carlos
Going up with black gu.
Andrew Santino
Sleeping over at black guy's house. Walking out of the house like she just rode a horse. Bum, bum, bum, bum. Bow legged, bow legged Jewels. Jules, Jules, Jules. What have you been doing?
Isa
I've just been.
Andrew Santino
Are you dating someone new? Is that what's going on?
Isa
Just seeing a couple of people.
Andrew Santino
Yeah. Yeah.
Carlos
Every time, though, she's just like, look at this guy. It's this gigantic, handsome black guy. Every time.
Andrew Santino
You like a little bit of chocolate now, huh? You like a chocolate milk?
Isa
I love chocolate.
Andrew Santino
You love chocolate. Fantastic.
Carlos
How come. How come I never see Asians in your little rotation?
Isa
I've done Asians.
Carlos
Yeah, I know you have.
Isa
So.
Carlos
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You've moved on.
Andrew Santino
Yeah. Moved on, moved up.
Isa
Try something else.
Carlos
Yeah, yeah.
Andrew Santino
You got to try other stuff. And that's. That's Carlos's life motto. You gotta try other stuff. I do agree with that. Honestly, we're not gonna be able to hear a word that you're gonna say.
Carlos
Yeah, take that thing off.
Andrew Santino
What is that, by the way?
Dax Flame
It's a furry mask.
Carlos
It's like something a shooter would Google at night.
Andrew Santino
My favorite thing is you pretending like you did. Like you already didn't have that costume. Oh. Order a furry. Yeah, like that wasn't in your closet.
Carlos
I've always wanted to try it since I saw it on entourage, like 15 years ago.
Andrew Santino
Who did a furry on Entourage? Drama has sex with a girl who's a furry.
Bobby Lee
Yeah, yeah.
Andrew Santino
Shout out to the furry community, dude. I met me and Derosa in Vegas. Met these two beautiful. Three beautiful, sweet women who were dominatric and I wanted the down low. And she was like, I'm a big fan. Where's Bobby? First question out of everybody's mouth, where's Bobby?
Carlos
You doing with Shane?
Andrew Santino
Yeah, Shane, we did. I Did a couple of shows in Vegas.
Carlos
Yeah. I have a photo for you.
Andrew Santino
What is that?
Carlos
We show you a photo.
Andrew Santino
Okay. I did a couple of shows with Shane in Vegas. Shane, you know, just phenomenal, dude. The venue was unbelievable. What is that? Oh, it's a photo of me and Taylor Swift. Taylor Swift? Yeah.
Isa
Friends with Taylor Swift.
Carlos
Oh, yeah.
Andrew Santino
You guys.
Carlos
He'S high class. Now, about elite. Elite?
Andrew Santino
No, no. We went to the football game. It's funny that that's the only photo that they chose to snag of me.
Carlos
The Times of India.
Andrew Santino
Oh, once you've made it, you've made it, man.
Carlos
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
Taylor Swift surprising chat with Andrew. Surprising chat with loser, ugly ginger boy Andrew Santino. Chiefs game sparks his wedding diss. Yeah. This was the most misinterpreted thing I've ever said. I said. I probably. I had said on. On. Pardon my take. I'd said, like, they were like, oh, you're gonna go to the wedding. I was like, dude, I don't know. I also don't want to talk about it. I was like, leave me the.
Carlos
But that photo, though. So you're mid smile. You have. You're like, looking out. You have your finger. You have your finger here. She must have said something funny. So what. So you say what she said. Come on.
Andrew Santino
If you think I'm going to let you.
Carlos
What's the finger about, though? I'm sure I was trying to cover your mouth.
Andrew Santino
Yeah, it was covering my mouth. I was saying a racially charged joke to her, and I was trying to cover my mouth.
Carlos
Yeah. And she's in mid. Saying a punchline or something, and you look at your face. You know, you've never laughed that hard in front of me, ever. What?
Andrew Santino
What?
Isa
What?
Carlos
What in God's. What is she saying that's going to give you that reaction?
Andrew Santino
I actually don't look at that face. I don't know the moment in time.
Carlos
I've never seen you make that face. What.
Andrew Santino
What does she smell like?
Carlos
Yeah, what does she smell like? Tell. Tell us.
Andrew Santino
I mean, you could get. Why don't you guess?
Carlos
Okay. Rose matcha.
Andrew Santino
Rose hips.
Carlos
Yeah. Rose hips.
Andrew Santino
Rose hips, yeah.
Carlos
You. I mean, soft serve matcha.
Andrew Santino
That's just your favorite. That's why you're saying.
Carlos
No, no, no. Just on the pits.
Andrew Santino
Smells like a global superstar would smell.
Carlos
Whoa. Bottle that up.
Andrew Santino
Dude. She's so very sweet, very cool, very nice. And they're very courteous to let me even come near that booth because probably the most unaccomplished ugly guy in the whole Clique. But they let me. They let me in.
Bobby Lee
Wow.
Andrew Santino
Anyway.
Carlos
Incredible.
Andrew Santino
What was I saying? You broke up my brain.
Carlos
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
What'd you break up my brain. What were we saying? Oh, these dominatric.
Carlos
Oh, yeah.
Andrew Santino
Joe and I go to get pizza after the Gillis show. And we go to get pizza and these three women. It was the. Dude, this is crazy. In Vegas, it was the Marathon, the Four Aces, the WNBA team's parade for winning a championship. IMO Fest, which was.
Carlos
You would have fucking love imofest. Dashboard Confessionals, my favorite.
Andrew Santino
Well, Blink played with Panic at the Disco and two, I don't know, three other bands. And we meet these three girls. And I was like, oh, did you guys go to Emo Fest? And she's like, kind of. We did something else. And I was like, oh, what'd you do? And she's like, we're dominatrices. And I was like, I am so curious about. Like, I want to know. I was like, what? Like how many got. What percentage of men do you actually like, hook up with or who just wants the, you know, the game? And she's like, it's much. It's way low on actual sex.
Carlos
I got tied up once.
Andrew Santino
Oh, tied up is nothing. This is like kick, beat, insult, drag, make you dress up in different outfits. Spitting, kicking. I go, how many guys get like genital mutilation? She's like a ton. A high amount of people.
Carlos
Like razor blades to the anything.
Andrew Santino
Kick, pull, squeeze.
Carlos
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
These were not schiza girls. These were not Sha girls.
Carlos
Not German. These weren't German girls.
Andrew Santino
They weren't German girls. We came to Vegas for a little. Yeah, little poopy poopy. Circus circus poopy.
Carlos
Would you ever get that done though, brother?
Andrew Santino
What? No.
Carlos
Get tied up and I don't like.
Andrew Santino
No.
Carlos
Why not?
Andrew Santino
I'm missionary for a minute and a half and then go to bed.
Carlos
Really?
Andrew Santino
Okay, a minute. Maybe a minute. Not even a minute and a half.
Carlos
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
No. I don't want to get hurt while I have sex. That's not for me. I respect it.
Carlos
I do easy mode first.
Andrew Santino
Yeah, dude.
Carlos
Yeah, yeah. Don't go full. Full blown master.
Andrew Santino
I play as the first guy, you know, first avatar.
Carlos
Like an npc.
Andrew Santino
Yeah. This is the simple npc. This is me.
Carlos
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
That's who I am.
Carlos
I'd be willing to get tied my hands behind my back.
Andrew Santino
You're. You're this npc.
Carlos
Yeah, yeah, yeah. My legs tied like this, right? And just a light smack on the cheek.
Andrew Santino
I don't mind.
Carlos
And then I'll go. You mean turn it up, Turn it up. You got to start. You got to start with 1.
Andrew Santino
You can't start at 9.
Carlos
You can't start at 9 when your first time getting tied up.
Andrew Santino
Nuts.
Carlos
No, no.
Andrew Santino
Yeah.
Carlos
I go, okay, do that right little. And then level two is what? Two cheeks?
Andrew Santino
Double. Double, yeah.
Carlos
So to cheek it. Two chicken pop.
Andrew Santino
Maybe she chokes a little bit, right?
Carlos
And then maybe stick a toothpaste toothpick inside the penis hole.
Andrew Santino
No, no.
Carlos
Is that how. What level is that?
Andrew Santino
I don't. That's level five or six. You're skipping.
Carlos
I'm skipping.
Andrew Santino
Levels go from, like, pop, pop.
Carlos
Twist my nips.
Andrew Santino
Twist, nips, twist.
Carlos
Nips, twist, Nips. Yeah. And I'm not talking about my Japanese.
Andrew Santino
Carlos likes, by the way, is a nip twist.
Carlos
Yeah, but she was.
Andrew Santino
She was fascinating, dude. I was so intrigued. I was like, I want to know everything about it. The one girl was very shareable. The other one was like, I'm eating my pizza. Leave me alone.
Carlos
I wish I was there.
Andrew Santino
You would have loved it.
Carlos
I would have done it.
Andrew Santino
And they were rad.
Carlos
How much money you think?
Andrew Santino
She didn't tell because I didn't want to ask her about finances, but I. I imagine because I did say, how expensive does it get? And she's like, well, some sessions are in the thousands, so in the multi. Thousand. Why am I. Yeah, why? We have. We have one right there.
Carlos
But do people orgasm or are they just, like, the pain?
Andrew Santino
It's not about coming.
Bobby Lee
Yeah.
Carlos
God damn it. That's the best part.
Andrew Santino
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Carlos
You just need a Richie. Isn't that the best part?
Andrew Santino
Of course.
Carlos
Of course.
Bobby Lee
Yeah.
Carlos
Yeah. I would love to see Richie tied up.
Andrew Santino
Dude, can we get you a dominatrix? And you'd be down to. Sure, yeah. Yeah, we're gonna film it.
Bobby Lee
Okay.
Andrew Santino
You're really down to be on cam? Depending on how far I go. I also met a guy.
Carlos
Level five toothpicks in the.
Andrew Santino
I also met a guy this weekend who in this familial group of friends that I guess we had met before. He is a. He works in porn. He started off as a film. As a filmographer. He started off as McCone, right. A shooter. And now he. I go, you ever get in front of the camera? He goes, I've been doing it lately. I go, ooh, little tiny Filipino guy. I go, what's going on with that?
Carlos
Who's it?
Andrew Santino
And he goes, yeah, it's kind of cool. I go, well, what do you. What Are you like, what are you doing? He's like, I'm the cuck. So he's like, I don't get to penetrate. I'm the boyfriend that gets cheated on in front of me with the girl.
Carlos
What? Tell me. Explain. Explain.
Andrew Santino
He's the cuck. He in the video of like, you know, like in a. In a porn where it's like he's. He just stands there and watches. That's not him.
Carlos
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Andrew Santino
But he just stands there and watches.
Carlos
Can he play with himself while it's happening?
Andrew Santino
No.
Carlos
Oh, man.
Andrew Santino
That's like the punishment.
Carlos
Can he stick his finger in his own.
Andrew Santino
He can do nothing.
Carlos
Okay.
Andrew Santino
He doesn't. I go, do you ever get anything? He goes, no, I just have to watch.
Carlos
That's what. That would be me. I'd just be like with one finger in there.
Andrew Santino
One finger in your ass.
Carlos
I wouldn't even go up and down. I'll just stick it in.
Andrew Santino
He was great. He was very interesting.
Carlos
Wow.
Andrew Santino
Very, very interesting stories. I met this weekend in Vegas was interesting little.
Carlos
I wonder what that. But I mean, it must be arousing to watch.
Andrew Santino
I mean, I don't know. I mean, I think the goal would be to not get into it because then you're really in character because it's. It's about the pain of it all.
Carlos
Yeah. Some guys let their. They like to watch their wives.
Andrew Santino
That's what cucking is. That's what.
Carlos
Well, I'm just explaining to the audience. No, but it would.
Andrew Santino
I mean, you're explaining to one of my family members. Watches the show weekly.
Carlos
Does that.
Andrew Santino
My aunt is like, Hm. Thank you. Hot wife is married. Hot wife is a married woman who has sexual relations with other men with the full knowledge and consent of the husband.
Carlos
That's just the opposite.
Andrew Santino
They call them hot wives. That. So a hot wife is a woman who has a cuck husband.
Carlos
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
And it's all good to go. Consensual, non monogamy.
Carlos
I want to be with that ugly wife so I can do it. I'll be the hot husband, buddy. Well, you don't think I'd ever be the. I don't, buddy. You don't think I'd ever be the hot husband?
Andrew Santino
I don't think so.
Carlos
Yeah. Yeah.
Andrew Santino
Not in this lifetime.
Carlos
I can explain.
Andrew Santino
I can describe you the woman I believe in reincarnation. I do think in your next life you could be, but I do not think that's in your cards this time around. Oh, and that's a compliment because you date women much more Attractive than you.
Carlos
That makes me so upset, what you're saying. Shreking.
Andrew Santino
You're Shreking.
Carlos
I'm not Shrek.
Andrew Santino
You've been shreking all day. You're Shrek King.
Carlos
Yeah. Yeah.
Andrew Santino
You tell me you don't date women out of your league. That's insane. That's all you do is date beautiful women. That's all you do. And that's a compliment, but it's a backhanded one. It's still backhanded, but it doesn't matter. Every guy we know dates women out of their league. Do you know someone that's with someone that's compare. That's on their level of looks?
Carlos
Yeah, you're right. I don't want to name names. I know a couple of guys with girlfriends. I'm like, who are? I'm not.
Andrew Santino
But I had a magical little weekend in Vegas. It was wonderful. It is an interesting city.
Carlos
Is it dead like they say?
Andrew Santino
No, no. What do you mean? I just told you how many things were there. Like, literally the marathon emo fest. Every hotel was packed, sold out. It was crazy. Look, it's probably also because it's high season right now, because it's getting shitty in other parts of the country, people want to go, get away. And Vegas was perfect weather and the shows were incredible. And we were gambling with Shane's dad, which was the funniest thing in the world because Shane gave him a little bit of money.
Carlos
I met his dad.
Andrew Santino
I, like, his dad feels the fucking greatest man alive. He gave him a little bit of money. So we go down and sit at the table, and Shane was like, I got to go to my room to go get money because I have cash in the room. And I was like, well, we can just give you cash. And he's like, no, Phil, I just gave you cash. He just gave his dad cash. Like he had just given it to him. And he was giving me some. And his dad was so funny. He's like, no, no, I'll give you a little bit. And he was like, holding out on giving him money. And Shane was like, are you fucking serious right now? I just gave you that money. But he gave him like a wad of money. I think he just handed it to him, was like, dad, go gamble. And he was holding back on it. But, dude, Shane on fire.
Carlos
Yeah, he's.
Andrew Santino
No, no, he was gambling. He was winning money. I lost all my money. And at the very end, he goes, we gotta go. We were gonna go to this other thing. And he goes, just put Whatever. All in. And I was like, all in. I go all in and I'm excited. I get 20. I get two face cards, and I'm like, we're winning. She. She flops out 21. It actually hurt. It actually hurt.
Dax Flame
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
He was like, you're good. You don't care. I was like, no, no, it's okay. It was all the money that I put down, but it's okay. It doesn't matter.
Carlos
You asked me about my weekend.
Andrew Santino
Well, I'll act the same as you just acted about me explaining my. What happened in your weekend Here. What happened in your weekend? What did you do?
Carlos
Nothing. No, I went to. I did the Irvine Improv again.
Andrew Santino
Orange County's finest.
Carlos
Yeah. Can I ask you this, though? Okay. So I have a real problem. I need your advice.
Andrew Santino
Yeah.
Carlos
So, you know, I don't want this to be taken the wrong way.
Andrew Santino
Okay. But how many black guys have you been dating?
Isa
Just two.
Carlos
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
Okay.
Carlos
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
And no whites.
Isa
No whites.
Andrew Santino
Good for you.
Bobby Lee
Good girl.
Carlos
So I've been kind of like a black guy where I have a lot of entourage now.
Andrew Santino
Oh, yeah? How many people are you traveling with? Well, because I called you from the hotel room.
Carlos
Yeah, yeah.
Andrew Santino
And I talked to. It was you. Ramsay, Cat, Bird.
Carlos
Luke.
Bobby Lee
Luke.
Carlos
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
And one more person.
Carlos
But then Gilbert Alex, my guy, showed up.
Andrew Santino
Yeah.
Carlos
And a couple of assistants from the agency. Right. But here's my problem, Mr. Hollywood.
Andrew Santino
Really come with an entourage. From Hollywood, cut to the Taylor Swift photo.
Carlos
Go to the Taylor Swift photo.
Andrew Santino
I cut to the entourage from Hollywood. I didn't bring an entourage.
Carlos
What?
Andrew Santino
I didn't bring an entourage with Taylor.
Carlos
The world is your entourage. You never heard that quote before?
Andrew Santino
No, but I gotta tell you.
Carlos
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
Or use that. It's really good.
Carlos
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Andrew Santino
The world is.
Carlos
Your entire world is your own.
Andrew Santino
So what you had about how eight, nine people in the.
Carlos
Right. But my problem is. And this is fine, right. I'm. You know, I can afford it, but.
Andrew Santino
You'Re so annoying.
Carlos
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
That's so funny.
Carlos
In the middle, in between shows, right? It's like, I need to eat.
Andrew Santino
Yeah. Right.
Carlos
So everyone goes.
Andrew Santino
Everybody's got to go.
Carlos
No one has money.
Andrew Santino
Well, yeah, no one has money. Well, dude, no one has money. You're taking your guys from the store.
Carlos
I know, I know.
Andrew Santino
Of course, they don't have that.
Carlos
All of a sudden, it's like, I'm fine. Right. But I'm like, you know, there's all these, like. Went to this Korean restaurant, which is pretty good. Right next to the. There's a new Korean restaurant next to the Irvine Improv.
Andrew Santino
Right.
Carlos
And it's. It's called Galbi Social Club.
Andrew Santino
Close.
Carlos
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
They're right there.
Carlos
Yeah. And it's literally right next to the. Right. So I'm like, let's go to the Galbi to show the. You're going. And then they have these packages, like, you know, Mean.
Andrew Santino
Yeah. What kind of meats do you want?
Carlos
Like, there's a feast package.
Andrew Santino
Sure.
Carlos
Right. And usually, like, I can. I'll just go, I'll take one of that. Right. But now it's like, yeah, I'll take five of that. Yeah, right.
Andrew Santino
It adds up.
Carlos
It adds up.
Andrew Santino
It adds up.
Carlos
Right? And people are feasting.
Andrew Santino
Yeah. They're doing the Trump feed.
Carlos
Yeah, yeah. Throwing, you know, me bulgogi in their mouth. Right. Playing little games. Yeah, right. Yeah, right.
Andrew Santino
Marinated. Marinated.
Carlos
And then they're ordering more.
Andrew Santino
More steamed egg or steamed.
Carlos
Right. In my mind, I'm calculating more steamed day. That's fucking 1995 there, you know? I mean, sake drink. On and on.
Bobby Lee
All right.
Carlos
And you get the bill, and you look around the table, and they all look like Little Orphan Annie's friends. Yeah. Meek, Right. Like Oliver Twists.
Andrew Santino
May I have another bowl of porridge? Just more. One more steamed egg.
Carlos
Yeah, Right. And then it's just like, you got to do it because.
Andrew Santino
Why don't you tell me how much it was? I mean, that many people. What is the bill for that many people?
Carlos
It's not that much. It's not that. It's like I said, I can afford it.
Andrew Santino
You can, but. And you. And you did it, so that's what happens.
Carlos
But. Yeah, you. You have no problem with it.
Andrew Santino
There is a code of stand up. That's right.
Carlos
Let's go.
Andrew Santino
You are supposed to pay for your openers.
Carlos
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Andrew Santino
You have to.
Carlos
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Andrew Santino
Because you have the money in there.
Carlos
Everyone from CA Come down.
Andrew Santino
Well, no, no, no, no. Okay, okay. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Wa. I mean, with the agents, by the way, the rule is.
Carlos
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
The hierarchy pays the agents. When they show up, they should pay.
Carlos
It wasn't the agents. It was the assistants.
Andrew Santino
Why? Oh, then you got to pay.
Carlos
I got to pay.
Andrew Santino
But if the agent shows up or someone at the agency, they pay because I love them.
Carlos
By the way, thanks for showing up because it makes you feel good that the. The company is coming out.
Andrew Santino
I don't want anybody to show up ever, to my shows. That's at my agency. Please don't ever show up.
Carlos
Come on. Down. Come on down.
Andrew Santino
But go to his shows. I prefer no one to come. You know, I want the group.
Carlos
I go to Arby's before, and then.
Andrew Santino
I want my host, my feature. And that's it.
Carlos
Yeah, that's all.
Andrew Santino
I don't want a bunch of people.
Carlos
I feel good. I honored.
Andrew Santino
You like the entourage.
Carlos
Yeah, no, no.
Andrew Santino
It gets you off. You like that. Yeah, you enjoy that thing.
Carlos
And then all of a sudden, like, you know, I mean, a guy has three other friends, you know, I mean, they came to the show comped, sure, yeah.
Andrew Santino
Well, what. What they're not gonna pay for.
Carlos
Fine. It's fine.
Andrew Santino
Yeah.
Carlos
But then they're like, can they come?
Andrew Santino
And you're like, yeah, let them come. Everyone wants to come. Let everybody come. Right, Richie? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Say, let everybody come. Let everybody come.
Carlos
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
Clip it.
Carlos
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
Honestly, dude, you got to do it.
Carlos
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
What's my opinion? You wanted my opinion. Do you have to do it? Yeah, you got to do it. It's the hierarchy of pay. Those that make the mo. And by the way, then when you're with other comics, like at our. At our, we either swap, like, I'll pay, you pay, or you do credit card roulette. So one of us has to throw a credit card in a hat, and then one of the. And usually make the server pick it. Then they pick it out, and then whoever gets hit gets hit.
Carlos
Have you ever picked up the tab?
Andrew Santino
No. Oh, my God. Have you ever picked up the tab? Who? I don't even think she pays for.
Isa
Gas sometimes with my friends.
Andrew Santino
No.
Carlos
Really? Do you? Okay, let me ask you, in your friend group, do you have the most money?
Isa
I don't think so.
Carlos
Oh, really? I've seen your friend group.
Andrew Santino
Let's go out to eat. Yeah.
Carlos
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Andrew Santino
Gremlins.
Carlos
Shopify. We have an online business here at Bad Friends, and we use Shopify because it's the best. Shopify's point of sale system is a unified command center for your retail business. It brings together in store and online operations across up to a thousand locations.
Andrew Santino
And thanks, Philippe, for Shopify. They're the way that we get our merch to you guys. Imagine being able to guarantee that shopping is always convenient. Endless aisle ship to customer, buy online, pickup in store. All made simpler so customers can shop how they want and the staff can have the tools to close the sale every single time.
Carlos
And let's face it, acquiring new customers is expensive. Andrew With Shopify pos you can keep shoppers coming back with personalized experiences and first party Data that gives marketing teams a competitive edge.
Andrew Santino
In fact, it's proven based on a report from EY businesses on Shopify POS see real results like 22% better total cost of ownership and benefits equivalent to an 8.9% uplift in sales on an average relative to the market set surveyed. We use Shopify and if you have a small business, you should to turn those what ifs into why nots and keep giving those big dreams the best shot with Shopify.
Carlos
Get all the big stuff for your small business right with Shopify.
Andrew Santino
Sign up for your $1 per month trial and start selling today at shopify.com Bad Friends shopify.com Bad Friends shopifY.com Bad.
Carlos
Friends Talk Space Talk Space is the number one rated online therapy bringing you professional support from licensed therapists and psychiatrists that you can access anytime, anywhere. I'm telling you something right now, Andrew. I do therapy every week, right? And I think it's very vital for my mental health. You know, I had so much trauma growing up as a kid and I use emdr, other methods to take the power away from those terrible moments in my life. And I need Talk Space.
Andrew Santino
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Carlos
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Andrew Santino
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Carlos
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Andrew Santino
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Isa
But I don't. I never. I don't know, sometimes.
Andrew Santino
How about this? When you're going out on dates now.
Isa
Oh, I don't pay.
Andrew Santino
You cannot pay. Do they. Do you offer half? You don't even do that.
Isa
No.
Andrew Santino
No. Thank you. Has any guy ever said, do you want to split it?
Isa
No, but that would be crazy. I would just leave.
Carlos
I saw a video the other day.
Andrew Santino
It's empowerment. Right there.
Carlos
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
On full display.
Carlos
A TikTok where a guy picks up a girl, first date and the girl brings her son to get a free meal.
Andrew Santino
How old's the kid?
Carlos
He's like five years old.
Andrew Santino
That's okay.
Carlos
If you picked up a girl with a kid.
Andrew Santino
Five years old is cute. Five's funny. You can. You know what? By the way. Yeah. You use that as ammunition. You joke with the kid, you say funny stuff. You make faces, you make him laugh. She loves you more. That's a home run.
Carlos
Okay.
Andrew Santino
I guess strategy.
Carlos
Yeah. Yeah, you're right.
Andrew Santino
But by the way. 5, 5, 6. Kind of the cutoff. If she brings a 10 year old. That's bananas.
Carlos
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
He can stay at home alone. 10. I was. I mean, when we started being home alone, we were like eight. Yeah, you're fine. There's hot dogs in the fridge.
Carlos
Do you remember I was dating.
Andrew Santino
Yeah.
Carlos
And so I remember she came out.
Andrew Santino
With her Son, that kid was 30.
Carlos
Yeah, yeah. No, he was 12 years old. Right, right.
Andrew Santino
That's over the breaking point.
Carlos
And then he goes, when I pick up from the airport, all he could say is, I have a short throat. Right.
Dax Flame
He's a little.
Andrew Santino
Short throat.
Carlos
Yeah. No sore throat.
Andrew Santino
Oh, I said short.
Carlos
Yeah, yeah, I have a sore throat. Right. So we get to my house and I go to, you know, doordash, and I just go, I have a sore throat. Yeah.
Andrew Santino
I can only eat caviar.
Carlos
I said, hey, kiddo. I say, hey, kiddo. What kind of flavor do you want? He don't care. I gave him every brand.
Andrew Santino
Well, that's a problem.
Carlos
He comes to my house, I give him a. I give him packets of it, like bags of it. He sticks in his mouth and he goes, it spits it on the floor.
Andrew Santino
Right, Denied.
Carlos
So then I go pick it up. And he goes, you pick it up. He goes, I go pick it up. You pick it up. I go pick it up. She goes, you pick it up. You know what I did? I picked it up.
Andrew Santino
Yeah.
Carlos
Yeah, I picked it up.
Andrew Santino
He won.
Carlos
He never had another bag again. I still have those things in my house.
Andrew Santino
He's got a bag of sorts.
Carlos
Yeah. Ever since then, I'm like, no more kids.
Andrew Santino
Yeah. You got to cut it off.
Bobby Lee
Yeah, yeah.
Andrew Santino
But five or six is cute. And you use that. You go, you. You ingratiate yourself to the kid. Then it's going, oh, he's a nice guy. He likes my kid. And if the kid's funny, you might have more fun with him than a date.
Carlos
She would have to be. Carlos, back me up on this. Yeah, they got to be hot because they have to be the hottest thing.
Andrew Santino
I look, look, not in the dating game, but I got to tell you, there's probably a lot of five year olds I'd rather joke around with than some of the girls that you date. Large problem.
Carlos
They're annoying, right?
Bobby Lee
Some of them are.
Carlos
For sure they're annoying, right? Some of them. I can see your face.
Andrew Santino
Some of them I'd rather be like, I'd rather chat with a five year old about trains and monsters.
Carlos
Yeah. I remember one time I was with a girl and we were in Vegas or something. You literally called. Cuz I was gone. I went to the bathroom. So you go. You got to get the back here. I go. Away. I go. You said so, and so is annoying.
Andrew Santino
You can't leave me alone with these people. I don't know what to talk to them about. I feel more comfortable with a kid and we can joke around. I can make a fart noise. And that's 30 minutes right there.
Carlos
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
I start doing and they're like, they lose their mind.
Carlos
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
I can't do that to your date.
Carlos
I had this one girl, I had this one girl. She had to come back and apologize to you for being rude. Do you remember that? Because she was just like. Because she was a huge fan. But then she was like, but when.
Andrew Santino
I meet him a fan of you.
Carlos
No, I back up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She said, when I meet him, Andrew, right. I gotta, I gotta have confidence, you know, I mean I gotta like, I can't be a fan girl. Right. I'm like, no, just be yourself. I go, just be yourself. She goes, no, no, I have. And then when she met you, she was a super mean. Yeah. She was like, hey, what's up? And I'm in my mind, I'm like, what are you doing?
Andrew Santino
Not the move.
Carlos
Yeah, yeah. And then like 10 minutes later she had to come back up to you and go, hey, I'm sorry about my attitude.
Andrew Santino
But that point, I was already out.
Carlos
You're out.
Andrew Santino
I'm out.
Carlos
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
I'm out.
Carlos
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
It's my point. So look, on new dates, new dates bring a kid. Ladies out there.
Carlos
Yeah.
Isa
I don't have a kid.
Carlos
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
Yet. Mark my words.
Isa
No.
Andrew Santino
Yeah, it's coming for you. Well, you're up to no good.
Carlos
If you went on a date with a guy and he had a couple of kids, would you, would that turn you off or no?
Isa
I think right now it would.
Carlos
Why?
Isa
I just don't want to deal with kids.
Carlos
Yeah, yeah.
Andrew Santino
But what if you met a guy? Okay, look, you're 23.
Isa
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
What if you met a guy that's 28 and he has a kid then. No, here, look. Ages 20 to 29, which is your age range. Approximately 24% of black men in this age range have father to child. So a quarter of the men that are going to take you out have a father. So. Or have a child. So you're going to meet a guy who's going to have a kid. You're going to have to decide at some point what are you going to do? You're going to fall in love with this man and be the new mom.
Isa
No, I don't want to be a mom.
Andrew Santino
Well, I'm just telling you. Ever statistics. Are there ever.
Carlos
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
35% of non Hispanic Asian women be like you Titubabi.
Carlos
Like explain to me what my I'm.
Isa
Like goal and just old and just like, yeah.
Andrew Santino
I'm single and old.
Carlos
Single and old.
Andrew Santino
Do you say I want to be like you?
Isa
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
Interesting.
Carlos
Really?
Isa
Yeah.
Carlos
I influenced you in that way?
Isa
I think so.
Carlos
Yeah. Yeah. My lifestyle.
Isa
Yeah.
Carlos
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
You are a life coach.
Carlos
Yeah. Thank you.
Andrew Santino
Yeah, you are.
Carlos
Because last night I was just like, I'm just gonna play Dying Light part two till five in the morning.
Andrew Santino
How'd that go?
Carlos
Great.
Andrew Santino
Completed it.
Carlos
No, it's impossibly. There's so many.
Andrew Santino
Can't beat it.
Carlos
It's on and on. It's the scary. It's the dumbest game at night. Have you played Dying Light at night? It's the most terrifying.
Isa
What about Silent who?
Carlos
I couldn't. I couldn't finish it. I couldn't finish it.
Andrew Santino
I started watching the BTK Killer last night and everybody. Because everyone's been sending me that. It's you.
Carlos
I know.
Andrew Santino
You saw the BTTK Killer. This is the drawing is you. Have you seen the drawing?
Carlos
I know.
Andrew Santino
Go to BTK Killer.
Carlos
Please don't. I get DMs and text about all day.
Andrew Santino
Look at that. Look, it's. That's one. That's so obvious, Richie. That's so obviously you, though. It's like. Who's that? That's Bobby Lee.
Carlos
Yeah, yeah.
Andrew Santino
Did you watch that BTK Killer?
Carlos
No, but I'm a big fan.
Andrew Santino
It's tragic, dude. It's awful to watch.
Carlos
Who's here?
Andrew Santino
It's heartbreaking. Who is here? Who's here? Oh, we have a guest.
Carlos
Spooky, spooky.
Andrew Santino
Ooh, spooky, spooky flame.
Carlos
Spooky, spooky, spooky flame is here.
Andrew Santino
Spooky flame.
Carlos
Dude, you look like you just got off a meth binge.
Andrew Santino
Yeah. It looks like somebody extinguished your flame there.
Carlos
Yeah. What's going on? Dude, you look. See wild eyed.
Bobby Lee
Oh, I don't know. I don't know.
Isa
Your eyes are so blue.
Andrew Santino
Yeah. Your eyes are blue. Okay.
Bobby Lee
Thank you. Thanks.
Andrew Santino
Beautiful boy.
Bobby Lee
Thank you.
Andrew Santino
How's it been going?
Carlos
Real beautiful.
Bobby Lee
Good.
Andrew Santino
Is this your Halloween costume? We asked you to come in Costume?
Bobby Lee
Yes. It's like the Project X outfit.
Andrew Santino
Oh, it's what you wore in the movie?
Bobby Lee
Yeah. Yeah.
Andrew Santino
Oh, my God. That's. Is that exactly the clothes that you wore in the film?
Bobby Lee
Yes. Well, I mean, different jacket, but pretty much.
Andrew Santino
Can I be honest with you, bud? Yeah. It's not even a little bit like. Wait, zoom in. Look at how young you are there. How old are you there?
Bobby Lee
18.
Carlos
Wow.
Isa
How old are you now?
Bobby Lee
33.
Andrew Santino
Is that good? Memories of Project X. Yeah.
Bobby Lee
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
You do. You have good memories of that.
Bobby Lee
That was filmed near here. Yeah, yeah.
Andrew Santino
You still. Do you still get residuals from that movie?
Bobby Lee
Yeah, pretty small, but. Yes.
Andrew Santino
Like, what's an average one from that film?
Bobby Lee
I think probably like 3,000 a year.
Andrew Santino
That's not bad.
Bobby Lee
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
Free money.
Bobby Lee
Yeah. And then Dumb and Dumber.
Andrew Santino
No.
Bobby Lee
What is. Who y' all are dressed as?
Andrew Santino
No. Ben and Jerry.
Bobby Lee
The ice cream.
Carlos
Jerry the ice cream.
Andrew Santino
Okay.
Carlos
Yeah. I'm Chunky Monkey.
Bobby Lee
Yeah. Who are you?
Isa
Meg.
Bobby Lee
Oh, okay. Cool.
Andrew Santino
It's not all part of the same theme. Like, those guys are not part of Ben and Jerry at all. Can you guess what they are? What do you think Carlos is?
Bobby Lee
Oh, Sonic.
Andrew Santino
Yeah, yeah.
Carlos
Sonic the Hedgehog.
Andrew Santino
And look who's right next to him is Tails, right there. That's Tails.
Carlos
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
Richie's Tails. Richie, what do you think Richie is?
Bobby Lee
I don't know.
Andrew Santino
Karen Carpenter.
Carlos
Karen Carpenter.
Andrew Santino
And then who do you think is in the back there? Who do you think is in the back?
Bobby Lee
He told me Groucho Marx.
Andrew Santino
So you already got tipped off?
Bobby Lee
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
Well, can. You want to lie and retake it again? Yeah. Who is that in the back?
Bobby Lee
Someone with a mustache.
Andrew Santino
You started off right. It's Hitler. It's Hitler. That's actually Hitler. That's Hitler before he shaved it into a little tiny. So Hitler. Actually, that's. That's actually the outfit that he was known for the most. And then he shaved a little tiny mustache here.
Bobby Lee
The art school one.
Andrew Santino
This is art school Hitler? Yeah. Oh, yeah.
Carlos
The art school art school Hitler.
Andrew Santino
Dude, that's art school Hitler. That was art School Hitler before he got denied and kind of really changed his thought process about the world. But there he is. That's art school Hitler.
Carlos
Is that him as a kid?
Andrew Santino
Yeah.
Carlos
Yeah. Do you think you could, at that point.
Andrew Santino
Look at that. Whoa.
Carlos
Whoa.
Andrew Santino
Look at those legs.
Carlos
But as a kid, do you think.
Andrew Santino
It looks like Pete, you'd be able.
Carlos
To change his mind?
Bobby Lee
Huh?
Carlos
If you ran into Hitler, you had a time machine. You ran into that Hitler that was, like, nine years old. Do you think you could be able to change the direction of his life? What would you say?
Andrew Santino
That's a really good question.
Carlos
What would you say?
Andrew Santino
Hi, little Hitler.
Carlos
I can't do the.
Andrew Santino
Okay.
Carlos
Yeah. Hello. Hello, little Hitler.
Andrew Santino
Hello, Chinese boy.
Carlos
Already? It's hard. Yeah, well, you know, I'm not Chinese. I think you're just, you know, I'm from a different. But, you know, we're all human beings. We're all kind of the same you're.
Andrew Santino
All from China as far as I'm concerned.
Carlos
Yeah, I get it. But it's like I'm Korean.
Andrew Santino
Rice man, please.
Carlos
You know what? Calling derogatory words.
Andrew Santino
Little rice man. Tiny. Little.
Carlos
Yeah, yeah.
Andrew Santino
Anyway, no, I like you. You people are okay. Yeah, you're not so bad.
Carlos
Yeah, I think all people are equal.
Andrew Santino
No, all people are equal.
Carlos
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
Not all.
Carlos
What do you. What do you mean?
Andrew Santino
A few people don't deserve the same things as me.
Carlos
I see. Well, let's go through. Let's go through the fucking groups.
Andrew Santino
Blacks, Jews, Asian.
Carlos
Yeah, all equal with you.
Andrew Santino
They're equal on their little plane.
Carlos
Oh, so you're in a different category.
Andrew Santino
Yeah, we're superior. Okay. You killed nine year old.
Carlos
I would kill him.
Andrew Santino
You can't flip that guy. I don't think it was born. I don't think he was born like that. I think something tragic happened. I think he was probably molested in art school, which is why he had this whole weird art school thing. Molested. And then this was his rage against the world. Was Hitler molested? Gotta be.
Isa
Was he gay?
Andrew Santino
Gotta be.
Carlos
No, Hitler wasn't gay, dude.
Andrew Santino
It wasn't cool enough to be gay. Historians and scholars have found no credible evidence Adolf Hitler was sexually molested. Rumors circulated after World War II. These were largely for propaganda purposes and have been discredited. I like how they discredited. Like they had to go out of their way to find out. They're like, all right, who molested Hitler? He had a harsh father, traumatic episodes. Yeah, I think he had something. All right, raise your hand if you molest Hitler. Guys, come on. We're not going to get back to painting until you guys tell me who did it. Yeah, we want to do watercolors.
Carlos
Listen, I think you're. I think he was born that way.
Andrew Santino
You really do.
Carlos
Sociopath.
Andrew Santino
No, because something had to have happened to him. Dude, I think we're all born pretty clean and good. Something cracks a human. Something breaks. Every time. You watch these true crime documentaries, something really bad happened, right? Dax, has anything really bad happen to you in your life?
Bobby Lee
Not like that.
Andrew Santino
See?
Bobby Lee
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
And that's why he's high functioning, normal adult.
Bobby Lee
Yeah, but someone didn't say something the other day about. Often serial killers are bedwetters to an older age.
Andrew Santino
And how. When did you stop?
Bobby Lee
I did. I did. Until old. Too old. But not any more, of course. Like maybe like nine or something.
Andrew Santino
Nine old to wet the bed.
Bobby Lee
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
Yeah, that's older than kids that women bring on dates with Bobby. That's pretty. Nine is old.
Carlos
I can imagine him coming downstairs like in the Exorcist. He just pee something.
Andrew Santino
The triad was proposed in 63 by psychiatrist J.M. mcDonald. Based on the observations small group of nonviolent patients who had made threats. It's a misconception the serial killers are bedwetters. That's not true. Okay. To the McDonald triad.
Bobby Lee
So that's not like getting a head injury, right?
Andrew Santino
What? A head injury. Head injury, molestation. Both physical and sexual abuse towards. That's that. This. They all kind of have a lot of that stuff in common.
Carlos
But if you look at our society and then you look at like how many serial killers were in Sweden or Thailand, you're talking about low numbers, like 3, 4 people throughout their history.
Andrew Santino
Well, the highest concentration of serial killers has got to be from here.
Carlos
It is.
Andrew Santino
Well, we're number thousands. We're number one again.
Isa
But why here?
Carlos
I don't know.
Andrew Santino
Head injuries?
Carlos
No. What?
Andrew Santino
You have the most head injuries.
Carlos
You think so?
Andrew Santino
A lot of doctors dropping babies.
Carlos
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
Studies suggest a correlation between head injuries and serial killing. It's not a direct cause, but there is a tie. I wonder what the other one is. What's your favorite breakfast, Jules?
Isa
Rice, eggs and seaweed and kimchi and spam.
Andrew Santino
Google that and see if that's a serial killer meal. That sounds like one.
Carlos
That's exactly what I like.
Andrew Santino
What do serial killers eat?
Bobby Lee
Is it like a mixed up?
Carlos
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
What is that called? Is that called the dish? Do you have a nickname? It's something serial. Kills a variety of foods. Zoom in. There's no single serial killer diet. And there should be. That's a new diet plan. You want to have a rip body, you got to have the serial killer diet. The last meals, fried chicken, French fries, onion soup. While another one requested steak with baked potatoes.
Carlos
I've been thinking about Dahmer lately, but I don't know.
Andrew Santino
No, we're not going back down that rabbit hole.
Dax Flame
We have some famous horror movie scenes to bring.
Andrew Santino
I'd love to do a script reading. Let me see. Dax.
Dax Flame
Also, since we have a professional actor among us, Dax.
Carlos
Factor.
Andrew Santino
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Carlos
Me either. And you know, it's. It's. It's. You know, it's hard to cook who has the time. But if you want a quality meal, go to factor. More variety, more meals. Choose from a wider selection of weekly meal options including premium seafood choices like salmon and shrimp with no extra cost.
Andrew Santino
I love salmon and they also have GLP1 friendly meals and new Mediterranean diet options which I love. Get your fish baby packed with protein and good for you fats. They got global flavors. They even have meals now from Thailand for the first time. And Bobby. China. They have China as well. 97 of customers say that factor helped them live a healthier life. Feel the difference no matter your routine.
Carlos
Eat smart@factormeals.com BadFriends 50 off and use code BAD FRIENDS50OFF to get 50 off your first box plus free breakfast for one year.
Andrew Santino
That's wild, man. That's code BAD FRIENDS50OFF@Factor Meals.com for free. 50% off your first box plus free breakfast For a year. Get delicious ready to eat meals delivered with Factor offer only valid for new Factor customers with code and qualifying auto renewing subscription purchase. When did making plans get this complicated? It's time to streamline with WhatsApp, the.
Carlos
Secure messaging app that brings the whole group together.
Andrew Santino
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Carlos
Learn more@WhatsApp.com Limu Emu and Doug, here.
Andrew Santino
We have the Limu Emu in its natural habitat, helping people customize their car insurance and save hundreds with Liberty Mutual. Fascinating.
Carlos
It's accompanied by his natural ally, Doug.
Andrew Santino
Limu is that guy with the binoculars watching us. Cut the camera. They see us.
Carlos
Only pay for what you need@liberty mutual.com Liberty Liberty Liberty. Liberty Savings Fairy unwritten by Liberty Mutual Insurance Company and affiliates. Excludes Massachusetts.
Andrew Santino
Do you see one that you want to do, Jules? I mean, you love scary movies. What about seven? The scene from seven? Yeah, let's do seven. Who are you going to be, Jules? Mills or John Doe?
Isa
Mills.
Andrew Santino
Okay, you're John Doe. You're going to be John.
Carlos
No, no, no. You got to be John Doe because I'm doing stage directions.
Andrew Santino
Okay? Please.
Carlos
Okay, go ahead.
Isa
I don't remember.
Carlos
What?
Isa
Who's Mills?
Carlos
That's Brad Pitt's character, right?
Dax Flame
Then Dax, you are Somerset in the scene, okay?
Carlos
And remember, Somerset, you're an old black man.
Andrew Santino
You really got to turn on that voice.
Carlos
Yeah, yeah.
Bobby Lee
Is it Morgan Freeman?
Carlos
Yes, it is.
Andrew Santino
Have you ever seen the movie? Okay, okay. Even better.
Carlos
Marshlands, early evening.
Andrew Santino
Here he comes.
Carlos
That's what. Stop. Use Kevin Spacey on this.
Andrew Santino
That was my space.
Carlos
Okay? My bad.
Andrew Santino
He's talking about a boy.
Carlos
Extension. Extension. Marshall Marshland's. Early evening.
Andrew Santino
Here he comes.
Isa
What?
Andrew Santino
I wish I could have lived like you.
Isa
Shut up. The you talking about?
Andrew Santino
Do you hear me, Detective? I'm trying to tell you how much I admire you and your pretty wife.
Isa
What?
Andrew Santino
Tracy.
Isa
What you say?
Andrew Santino
Tuition. Read the whole thing?
Carlos
Yeah. Mills freezes. Turns to Doe. Doe smiles. Somerset is close.
Andrew Santino
It's disturbing how easily a member of the press can purchase information from the men in your precinct.
Carlos
Somerset starts running towards Mill.
Bobby Lee
Throw your gun down.
Andrew Santino
Now that is Morgan Freeman. Now that is Morgan Freeman. Give me to me one more time.
Carlos
Yeah.
Bobby Lee
You're also screaming at Throw your gun down.
Andrew Santino
No, that was laughing.
Carlos
I understand that. But you know how far apart they are.
Andrew Santino
Yeah. You're yelling.
Carlos
Literally, like, you know, I mean, a quarter of a mile away.
Andrew Santino
Go for it.
Carlos
Yeah.
Bobby Lee
Throw your gun down.
Carlos
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
I visited your home this morning after you'd left.
Carlos
Meals is filled with aching terror.
Andrew Santino
I tried to play husband. I tried to taste the life of a simple man.
Carlos
Somerset is 50 yards away and closing.
Bobby Lee
Throw it away.
Andrew Santino
Louder. Throw it away. Loud as you can.
Carlos
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
Throw it away. It didn't work out. So I took a souvenir. Her pretty head.
Bobby Lee
Mills.
Carlos
Meal raises his gun. Mills raises his gun in the air.
Andrew Santino
Mills. Gun in the air.
Bobby Lee
No. No. No. Give me the gun.
Isa
What's going on over there?
Carlos
Somerset throws his own weapon away.
Bobby Lee
Put the gun down.
Isa
Show me the box. What was in the box?
Andrew Santino
Because I envy your normal life.
Bobby Lee
Put the gun down, David.
Andrew Santino
It seems that envy is my sin.
Isa
What's in the box? What's in the fucking box?
Andrew Santino
I just told you.
Isa
You lied. You're a fucking liar. Shut up.
Carlos
Cut. Cut for a second. Just cut for a second. Right. You. You. I think you subconsciously know that there's something terrifying in the box. And you. I think you do know that it's your wife's severed head.
Isa
So you're angry.
Carlos
Much more panicked.
Andrew Santino
Well, how would you feel if you. If you did. If you. If someone had a severed head? That of someone that you love?
Isa
Scared.
Andrew Santino
Scared, yeah.
Carlos
And pissed.
Andrew Santino
And mad.
Carlos
And mad rage.
Andrew Santino
Well, imagine if someone came to you in the desert with a box. And Tito's Bobby's head was in there. How would you feel?
Isa
Mad.
Andrew Santino
But not with a smile.
Carlos
Yeah. I don't think that I would be a good example. I Think somebody else. Yeah.
Isa
No, I'd be mad.
Carlos
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
Yeah, mad.
Carlos
Issa, your sister.
Andrew Santino
Oh. Isa's head is in a box.
Isa
Yeah.
Carlos
Okay.
Andrew Santino
No, not in a happy donut. Yeah.
Bobby Lee
Yeah.
Carlos
Why are you smiling?
Andrew Santino
The smiling is crazy.
Carlos
Let's go back to. Let's go back to. It seems that envy is my sin.
Andrew Santino
It seems that envy is my sin.
Isa
What's in the box? What's in the fucking box?
Andrew Santino
I just told you.
Isa
You lied. You're a fucking liar. Shut up.
Bobby Lee
It's what he wants. He wants you to shoot him.
Isa
No. No. You tell me that's not true. That's not true.
Andrew Santino
Become vigilance, David.
Isa
She's all right.
Carlos
You tell me he's crying. He's crying at this. She's crying.
Isa
I'm crying.
Carlos
Yeah, kind of crying.
Andrew Santino
Rage become wrath.
Isa
Tell me she's all right.
Andrew Santino
Are you laughing?
Bobby Lee
If you murder a suspect, David.
Isa
No. No.
Andrew Santino
She begged for her life, Detective. She begged for her life. And the only life of the baby inside her.
Carlos
Somerset slaps John Doe across the face. Shut up, Mills, face lit, fills with confusion. Then a wave of horror. Doe's eyes register shock.
Andrew Santino
He didn't know.
Carlos
Mills raises and lowers the gun a few times, sobbing.
Bobby Lee
Give me the gun, David.
Carlos
Mill turns the gun on John Doe.
Bobby Lee
David, if you kill him, we. He will win.
Isa
Oh, God. Oh, God.
Andrew Santino
Dude.
Carlos
Dude.
Andrew Santino
Morgan Freeman would be jealous.
Carlos
He would be gone. Yeah. Yeah.
Andrew Santino
So good. Dax.
Carlos
Hello. Okay. Very good.
Bobby Lee
Thank you. Thank you.
Carlos
Yeah. Yeah.
Andrew Santino
Very good stuff.
Carlos
Very good stuff.
Andrew Santino
Those are very, very good.
Carlos
You want to attempt Blue Velvet, or.
Andrew Santino
I don't think so.
Dax Flame
It's a good seed.
Andrew Santino
Do you miss acting? It was good.
Isa
Yeah. It was good.
Carlos
Yeah, it was good.
Andrew Santino
You miss acting?
Bobby Lee
Yeah. Yeah, I love acting.
Andrew Santino
We got to get you back. We got to make him. We have to write a movie and get Dax in it.
Carlos
He's got to be the nemesis, though.
Andrew Santino
You have to be evil. You have to be evil, right? Would you play an evil guy? What's the most evil thing you've done in your life?
Bobby Lee
Killed a fish.
Carlos
Purposely?
Bobby Lee
Purposely. But because my grandpa had left, we went fishing and, you know, you have to kill the fish after you catch it.
Andrew Santino
You don't have to.
Bobby Lee
Well, I couldn't get the hook out of its mouth, so I. And then he had left to go help my mom, and then I had to kill the fish with a rock.
Andrew Santino
Carlos, will you Google serial killer tendencies? Ties with killing fish with rocks. Is there a tie to.
Bobby Lee
Well, check if it's, like, while people are fishing.
Andrew Santino
No, no, no, no. That doesn't matter. That's. I think we got two well known serial killers. Jeffrey Dahmer and Albert Fish have documented ties to killing fish and other small animals.
Bobby Lee
But I didn't like it.
Andrew Santino
This. You didn't. It says right here neither of them enjoyed it. While it was happening, they were fishing with their grandfather.
Carlos
Did you cry while you're doing it?
Bobby Lee
No. No.
Andrew Santino
They show tendencies to not cry at all while they're killing the fish. Did you feel anything at all?
Bobby Lee
Yeah. Yeah.
Andrew Santino
What did you feel?
Bobby Lee
Terrible.
Andrew Santino
Studies show the word they use is terrible at the beginning, but then sexual arousal when it's over.
Carlos
Did you have an erection?
Dax Flame
No.
Carlos
Okay. Okay.
Andrew Santino
Most of them can't get an erection. It says here because of the terror. Terror. Wow. Do you think you may have some serial killer tendencies?
Bobby Lee
No, but that maybe aligns so. Yeah, maybe one, maybe singular, that.
Carlos
I think he's the opposite of a serial killer. I think he's a good guy. Your heart is so pure.
Andrew Santino
Well, he could just be a regular killer and not. Yeah, you know, he could.
Carlos
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
No, he's not a killer.
Carlos
I think you're a sweet guy.
Bobby Lee
Thank you.
Carlos
Yeah.
Isa
I feel so a party guy. I've seen him a lot in parties that I went.
Carlos
Okay. What party did you go to where you saw Dax?
Isa
The Zach justice one. And another one. And another one.
Bobby Lee
Oh, that's true. It was my friend Ryan's birthday.
Carlos
And you went to that?
Isa
Yeah.
Carlos
A lot of influencers. People there. A lot of young people.
Andrew Santino
Who invited you?
Carlos
Zach, because, you know, she's on his podcast now as a permanent.
Andrew Santino
I see that. Yeah, I see that on the Internet. How do you.
Carlos
Wait, wait. How do you feel about that, Andrew?
Andrew Santino
Well, you're a bad friend. Then you do Tiger Belly. Then you do Trash Tuesday, then you this. You're kind of like a pod. You're kind of a pot hopper, if I'm being honest.
Carlos
Yeah, let's be no loyalty.
Andrew Santino
No, you're a pot hopper. Look, there's a pot hopper right there. Yeah, there she is pot hopping all over.
Carlos
All over the place. Look at her.
Andrew Santino
You're. You're a pot hopper. It's actually not a good thing to be.
Isa
It's just Family podcast. Tiger Belly.
Andrew Santino
Ew. You pot hop.
Carlos
Look at it. Look at this. More, more, more.
Andrew Santino
You're evil. Pot hopping. Yeah, that's what's evil is pure as pot hopping.
Carlos
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
You stay loyal to us, but no, she's pot hopping.
Carlos
She's pot hopping.
Andrew Santino
Dude, are you and Zach just good friends? How do you know Him. Right. So you introduced the pot hopper, too?
Carlos
Yes, I did.
Andrew Santino
Well, it's your fault, you know, he.
Carlos
Swooped in pot hopping. He pot hopped.
Andrew Santino
Mrs. I don't feel like podcasting.
Carlos
I had to force you to do it.
Andrew Santino
Yeah. Now pod hopping.
Carlos
Now anyone asks, you do it.
Andrew Santino
How excited are you for about the Dodgers? Oh, my God, you're such a big Dodger fan.
Carlos
I am.
Andrew Santino
And where are they now?
Carlos
World Series.
Andrew Santino
Can you name some of your favorite Dodgers?
Carlos
Yeah. Freeman. I like Freddie Freeman. I like Shohei the best. That other Japanese that. That game that he played last game, it's probably the greatest in the history of baseball.
Andrew Santino
You're a big Dodger fan, Dax.
Bobby Lee
As big of like any other team.
Andrew Santino
That doesn't. That's not.
Carlos
Yeah, that's not an answer.
Andrew Santino
That's not. That's, like when you say, do you like food? And they're like, I like food. Like people like food.
Carlos
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
There's Shohei. So handsome.
Carlos
He's handsome. Elitist.
Isa
Big boy.
Andrew Santino
Big boy. That's what she goes to, right? To big boy.
Carlos
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
He is a big, big boy. That's Japan's finest export.
Carlos
He has Pearl harbor energy all the time.
Andrew Santino
Well, it's payback, baby. Yeah, yeah. That's his girlfriend. Yeah, right there.
Carlos
That's wife.
Andrew Santino
Yes. Oh, wife. Sorry.
Carlos
Mamiko. Yeah.
Andrew Santino
What is it?
Carlos
Mamiko.
Andrew Santino
Say it again. Mamiko. Very good. You don't have to.
Carlos
Do you think, though? Do you think in his head, though.
Andrew Santino
It makes me look tan? That's what I like about Japanese women. They make me look tan.
Carlos
Yeah. Yeah. Do you think in his mind is like, I shouldn't marry because now I think I could get white?
Andrew Santino
No.
Carlos
Do you think or not you think?
Andrew Santino
No. Dude, he's from Japan.
Dax Flame
Bob's mad now.
Andrew Santino
He's from Japan. His favorite, I think Japan. He has to. He represents Japan. He's got to have a Japanese wife.
Carlos
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
He'd have to get some dumb American wife. What a waste of his time. He's got some bozo goofball like, he played in Orange county before. Imagine if he was with some Orange county girl. Some, like, Laguna beach chick.
Bobby Lee
You'd be.
Carlos
She's very pretty.
Andrew Santino
She's gorgeous.
Carlos
She's gorgeous.
Andrew Santino
Gorgeous.
Carlos
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
Yeah. Beautiful Japanese girl.
Carlos
What's. Why you laughing?
Dax Flame
Because I know you have that mindset.
Carlos
Of, like, holding out till, like, you have succeeded.
Andrew Santino
Well, Bobby, what are you talking about, dude?
Carlos
Because you can get the hottest girls.
Dax Flame
When you're at your richest and most famous.
Carlos
And I know you actively seek that Because I would, too. I get it.
Andrew Santino
You've said to me, an Asian American at their highest pinnacle is getting a hot white girl. You've said that. You've said that. You've said that as a. As a successful Asian American, the pinnacle is getting a hot white girl.
Carlos
It's called playing in the snow.
Andrew Santino
Playing in the snow. Snow bunny life. Yeah, you say that. Dude, don't pretend like that's not true. Is that not true?
Carlos
No, it's not.
Andrew Santino
Okay.
Carlos
Acting. I mean, do you think. Would you ever date an Asian woman?
Bobby Lee
Yes.
Carlos
Have you?
Bobby Lee
No, I. I've been on a date with an Asian. Yeah.
Andrew Santino
You can't take this the wrong way, please. You seem like you do like Asian girl.
Carlos
Yeah.
Bobby Lee
Okay.
Andrew Santino
You've got I like Asian girl, white guy energy.
Carlos
Yeah. Like it's almost a fetish.
Bobby Lee
Oh, no. Like a tech guy.
Carlos
Yeah, sure. Do you like. Do you like dried squid?
Bobby Lee
I've never had that.
Carlos
Okay. Seaweed.
Isa
Watch porn. What do you watch?
Bobby Lee
Oh, I don't know.
Carlos
He doesn't watch it. Do you watch it?
Bobby Lee
Sometimes.
Carlos
What's your Google history? I mean, your pornhub history.
Andrew Santino
The feds probably know.
Carlos
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Bobby Lee
What were we talking about earlier?
Carlos
Really? It's uncomfortable.
Bobby Lee
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Carlos
You don't want to talk about that. Yeah, yeah.
Andrew Santino
It's.
Carlos
You know, it's so funny you. Because I know you now pretty well. You don't like to talk real private stuff.
Bobby Lee
True.
Carlos
Yeah. Yeah. You want to protect some things about your private life.
Bobby Lee
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
Why is that?
Bobby Lee
You think I'm just too timid talking about porn on a podcast?
Andrew Santino
I agree. It's. It's stupid. We shouldn't be talking about it at all. Okay, I agree with you.
Carlos
I agree, too.
Andrew Santino
Say it. Say it's stupid, guys to talk about this crap.
Bobby Lee
It's stupid to talk about this crap. Let's talk about something smarter.
Andrew Santino
Thank you.
Carlos
Oh, I see.
Andrew Santino
And he's right. Let's. Tell me. Give us something smarter. That is true. What would you like to talk about that's more intellectual?
Carlos
You know much about the A1 Atlas meteor approaching Earth?
Bobby Lee
Yeah.
Carlos
Is that what it's called? A1? Yeah. Tell us about this. This comet that's hurling toward Earth.
Bobby Lee
It's risky, but people aren't too worried.
Carlos
What's risky about it?
Bobby Lee
That it could collide or something.
Carlos
But do you think it's an alien spacecraft?
Bobby Lee
No.
Carlos
Okay.
Dax Flame
We have another way to test intelligence. I have a Halloween trivia game.
Andrew Santino
Let's see how smart you really are.
Carlos
Halloween trivia. How do you do you Yell it out or do you just raise your hand?
Dax Flame
It's going to be like the old days. It's point based. There's 25 questions. We're all going to go in order of that everybody gets to buzz in and go first. But we'll start with you being able to go first. But I mean, do you want to buzzing or do you want to go? Everybody equal gets a first question.
Andrew Santino
Everybody equal.
Dax Flame
Okay, I'm not going to plug in cuz you're not going to see this.
Carlos
So it'll just go down the line. Like if I don't get it right, then it's your turn. Your turn.
Dax Flame
Well, you guys will all guess because some of them are going to be like. Like multiple choice. Not multiple choice, but like, like question one. What is the most popular Halloween candy?
Andrew Santino
What's the most popular Halloween candy? What do you think?
Carlos
That's a good one, man.
Andrew Santino
I know my answer. We have to go.
Carlos
Candy corn.
Andrew Santino
Yeah, that's what I was gonna say.
Dax Flame
Candy corn.
Andrew Santino
I was gonna say candy corn. That's what I was.
Dax Flame
Guess something else.
Andrew Santino
Huh?
Dax Flame
Guess something else.
Andrew Santino
Well, that's the one.
Carlos
That's not the game that. The game's not good though.
Andrew Santino
Okay, cool.
Dax Flame
You can, I mean you guys can both guess candy corn and then if you both are right, you both get a point.
Carlos
Yeah, I think that's good.
Andrew Santino
Candy is my guy.
Carlos
Candy corn.
Isa
Reese's peanut butter cup.
Carlos
That's a good one.
Andrew Santino
Okay, we go candy corn. They do cups.
Dax Flame
They're correct.
Andrew Santino
Reese's peanut butter cups.
Dax Flame
One point for Rudy, one point for Dax.
Andrew Santino
That'll piss me right off.
Carlos
That pisses me off.
Dax Flame
What was candy corn originally called? Andrew starts.
Andrew Santino
What was candy corn originally called?
Dax Flame
Yes.
Andrew Santino
Candy corn was originally called. Witch's toes. Witch's toes.
Carlos
Really?
Andrew Santino
I don't know. I have no idea.
Isa
Pumpkin fingers.
Andrew Santino
Ooh, pumpkin fingers. Body parts. It seems to be the theme.
Bobby Lee
Candy pyramid.
Andrew Santino
Candy pyramid. Very specific.
Carlos
Harvest candy.
Andrew Santino
Harvest candy. That's actually good too.
Dax Flame
The answer is chicken feed.
Andrew Santino
Chicken feed.
Dax Flame
Next one. What candy is given to soldiers in battle in the Korean War?
Andrew Santino
Ketamine.
Carlos
In the Korean War, starting with Rudy.
Andrew Santino
Methamphetamine. What? What? What candy was given to soldiers in the Korean War?
Carlos
I think I know.
Isa
Sugar. The sugar cane candy.
Carlos
Sugar cane candy.
Andrew Santino
Sugar cane candy.
Bobby Lee
Hershey's.
Andrew Santino
Hershey's.
Carlos
I'm gonna go with Hershey's.
Andrew Santino
I'm gonna say Sugar babies.
Carlos
Tootsie Roll. Fuck.
Andrew Santino
Damn it.
Carlos
These are hard. Dance.
Dax Flame
This is one where you have the opportunity to get three points.
Andrew Santino
Dax, you're up first or two points or one point.
Dax Flame
What are the top three most popular Halloween costumes for dogs?
Andrew Santino
For dogs.
Dax Flame
For dogs.
Carlos
For dogs.
Bobby Lee
Ladybug. Ladybug. Scarecrow. Astronaut.
Carlos
Me. Yeah. Sunflower. Vampire. Mommy.
Andrew Santino
Toto. Zombie. And Butterfly.
Isa
Ghost.
Carlos
Oh, Ghost.
Andrew Santino
Ghost. I forgot about ghost. How do we forget about firefighters? Or firefighter? Yeah, that's so funny. No. Yeah. You mean Dalmatian.
Carlos
Yeah, yeah. Firefighter. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Andrew Santino
I get it. I get it. I get it.
Carlos
I get it, too.
Isa
Butterfly. Too.
Andrew Santino
Butterfly. What are the three?
Dax Flame
Pumpkin?
Andrew Santino
None of us.
Dax Flame
Hot dog.
Andrew Santino
None of us.
Dax Flame
And Bumblebee.
Andrew Santino
None of us.
Carlos
None of us.
Dax Flame
It is still two to nothing. I mean, one to one.
Andrew Santino
To nothing.
Dax Flame
To nothing.
Andrew Santino
Bumblebee over. Butterfly. Or Ladybug. Bullshit.
Dax Flame
That's what it says.
Andrew Santino
Fuck you.
Carlos
Okay, let's go, let's go, let's go.
Andrew Santino
Where'd you get this? Off a truth social.
Dax Flame
I pulled it from a bunch of different sources.
Carlos
Okay, go ahead.
Andrew Santino
I only make bugs Bumblebees.
Dax Flame
In what American state is it illegal to be a priest or nun for Halloween? Bobby starts.
Andrew Santino
Oh, I already know.
Carlos
Kansas.
Andrew Santino
I actually, now that I think I was gonna say Utah.
Isa
I don't know.
Andrew Santino
Name any state.
Isa
Tennessee.
Andrew Santino
The good guess.
Bobby Lee
Arkansas.
Dax Flame
These might be too hard. This is Alabama.
Andrew Santino
No, he was close. Give him a point. He's close.
Carlos
No, no, no. You don't know.
Dax Flame
We need to start racking up points. Yeah. He's closest.
Andrew Santino
Alabama and Arkansas are neighbors. That's close.
Carlos
Okay.
Dax Flame
What?
Andrew Santino
We were nowhere near it.
Carlos
Okay.
Dax Flame
A pumpkin is a fruit. True or false?
Carlos
True. True.
Andrew Santino
True. You gotta go against the grains, kid.
Isa
False.
Andrew Santino
It's true.
Bobby Lee
It's true.
Andrew Santino
Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot.
Dax Flame
Bobby and Rudy tied at one point.
Andrew Santino
Nice.
Dax Flame
Andrew and Dax tied at three.
Andrew Santino
Let's go, Dax.
Dax Flame
Which famed horror actor performed the monologue in Michael Jackson's thriller?
Bobby Lee
Vincent Price.
Carlos
Bella Lugosi.
Andrew Santino
Emeril Lagasse. Sorry.
Carlos
Oh, God.
Andrew Santino
Why did you say Vincent Price?
Bobby Lee
I remember there's that, like, deep voice in that song.
Andrew Santino
Yeah. I don't know. I'll say. I'll say Vincent Price. I'm gonna copy you.
Isa
I'll copy you.
Dax Flame
Vincent Price is correct.
Andrew Santino
Yes. Very good guess.
Bobby Lee
Cool. Thanks.
Andrew Santino
Yeah, you're welcome. You're welcome.
Carlos
I, I, I, I. I'm getting out now. I'm getting. I'm getting out now. There's no way to come back.
Andrew Santino
Yeah, there is.
Dax Flame
Hold on. There's enough questions where you can tell, okay?
Carlos
Okay.
Dax Flame
So the standings right now. Dax and Rudy are tied with five.
Andrew Santino
Four.
Dax Flame
Andrew's with four and Bobby is taking up the rear with one.
Andrew Santino
You're always taking it up the rear.
Carlos
His tone, dude. He can no longer be the question.
Andrew Santino
Guy Richie should be doing.
Carlos
Yeah, yeah.
Dax Flame
How many.
Carlos
Richie, can you take over?
Andrew Santino
Richie take over?
Carlos
Rich, take Richie, take over.
Andrew Santino
Richie. It's going to hurt.
Carlos
I think it's. It's his negativity.
Andrew Santino
He's.
Carlos
He's. He's embody Groucho Marx right now. I. I don't like it. Yeah. So Richie, you take. No, Richie takes over.
Andrew Santino
Richie takes over.
Carlos
Yeah, go ahead, Richie.
Andrew Santino
Yeah, Richie, go ahead, bud.
Isa
All right.
Andrew Santino
How many Halloween movies has Jamie Lee Curtis appeared in? The closest. Okay, Rudy, perfect. 62117.
Dax Flame
Rudy gets it again.
Carlos
Oh, my God. Don't look at me, dude. I'm in the last place.
Andrew Santino
I don't remember.
Carlos
You go through. You get against what I'm saying.
Andrew Santino
I don't remember at all.
Dax Flame
In Twilight.
Carlos
No. You shot Richie.
Andrew Santino
Richie, dude.
Dax Flame
In Twilight.
Carlos
Richie, Richie.
Andrew Santino
All right, all right. In Twilight, what year did Edward Cullen turn into a vampire? Never seen the movie.
Carlos
In what year?
Bobby Lee
What year?
Dax Flame
Closest to the year.
Andrew Santino
Rudy's up first.
Carlos
No, you don't even say closest to the year. You say closest to the year. Richie.
Andrew Santino
Closest to the year.
Carlos
Yeah.
Isa
Like 17, 20, 18, 20.
Carlos
What's the question?
Andrew Santino
No, Richie, in Twilight, what year did Edward Cullen turn into a vampire?
Carlos
Oh, in the movie, like his character.
Andrew Santino
So you said you already guessed 1720 and you guessed 1820 something.
Carlos
1650.
Andrew Santino
I think 15, 14, 19, 18. Oh, so that is Dax. I've never seen the movie.
Dax Flame
So Rudy has the opportunity to tie.
Carlos
Himself for a second.
Dax Flame
The last question.
Andrew Santino
There it goes.
Carlos
Yeah. Yeah.
Andrew Santino
Let me see something.
Carlos
Okay. Richie does a question.
Dax Flame
Okay.
Andrew Santino
Yep.
Carlos
Yeah. All right.
Bobby Lee
Yep.
Carlos
I mean, I don't know. How many times do I tell you? All right. It's just irritating. I don't know what it is. I think that's why I'm losing. I think that's why I'm losing.
Bobby Lee
That's why.
Carlos
Yes. All right, so I don't want to hear a word from you. I love you, bud. But, Richie, from now on, I'm so sorry, guys. I'm sorry. He's the reason I'm losing. You're fucking. Go ahead, Richie.
Andrew Santino
Don't worry. I'm your good luck charm.
Carlos
Here.
Andrew Santino
How many minutes does Michael Keaton appear on screen in Beetlejuice?
Carlos
What?
Andrew Santino
Say it again. How many minutes does Michael Keaton appear on screen in Beetlejuice? Okay, Dax, start.
Bobby Lee
10.
Carlos
17 minutes.
Andrew Santino
28 minutes.
Isa
7 minutes.
Dax Flame
17 minutes. Bobby gets it right and Wins the game.
Andrew Santino
I told you. Good luck, John.
Isa
How did he win?
Dax Flame
No, he didn't die. Stack still wins.
Andrew Santino
Dax 1.
Dax Flame
Final score, Bobby Lee, 3. Andrew Santino.
Andrew Santino
5.
Dax Flame
Rudy Giuliani, 6. Dax Flame, 7. Happy Halloween.
Andrew Santino
You're no longer welcome on the show, Dax. You understand me?
Bobby Lee
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
Don't come in here and you win.
Carlos
Okay?
Andrew Santino
You're supposed to throw the game for us.
Bobby Lee
I'll give a point to everyone.
Andrew Santino
So that gets you down. Six, five, four.
Carlos
Next time we do a game, right, here it goes. No more dates and square footage of a. An area that's insane.
Dax Flame
No square footage.
Carlos
Yeah. Or a feet. Or of any additional insane. Right. From now on, it's just facts.
Andrew Santino
Facts. Yeah. It's only fact.
Dax Flame
You didn't get the facts one right.
Carlos
Whoa. You got the.
Dax Flame
You got the guessing ones right.
Carlos
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You ruined. I think you ruined my Halloween. Dude, this is the worst Halloween I've ever had.
Andrew Santino
Come on.
Carlos
Yeah, no, I'm being real. You ruined anything. Yeah, yeah.
Andrew Santino
Any candy that you're excited about getting this year?
Carlos
No, because I have access to all the candy I want.
Andrew Santino
Not me. This is the only time here I'm allowed to have it in the house.
Carlos
Really? So what do you. What do you. What are you looking forward to?
Andrew Santino
The Reese's Peanut Butter Cups are shaped like pumpkins. My favorites. What are you excited about this year?
Isa
Snickers.
Andrew Santino
Don't. No, don't do it.
Isa
What?
Andrew Santino
Nothing.
Carlos
Nothing, Nothing.
Isa
What?
Andrew Santino
Dax?
Bobby Lee
Nerds. Gummy clusters.
Andrew Santino
That makes sense. I do like that.
Carlos
I like the sour gel or some sort.
Andrew Santino
You know, just gel. Yeah, the packet of sour gel I.
Carlos
Went to in Burbank. There's a horror museum.
Andrew Santino
I'm sorry, Rudy, with the Snickers.
Carlos
It's like.
Andrew Santino
It's right there.
Carlos
It's veiny.
Andrew Santino
Yeah.
Carlos
I mean, last year reminds you of something.
Andrew Santino
Snickers. But I only like the king size. You perv. You're gross.
Carlos
Pervert.
Andrew Santino
You don't even like Snickers, you pervert.
Carlos
I went roller skating again last night by myself.
Andrew Santino
Why are you doing that? Invite someone to come with you. No, why are you going solo skating? Because what if you fall again and get hurt?
Carlos
I did fall a couple of times, and then I fell once. I got up and then there's a. He happens to be black. He's. He's a referee outfit on. And he goes, keep it moving.
Andrew Santino
Yeah, well, you can't.
Carlos
I'm like. I literally got the wind knocked out of me. Give me a second. Keep it moving.
Andrew Santino
But you got it. You got to get up and go, man. There's a whole thing going on.
Carlos
I know. And you got to put your thumbs up to see if you're all right.
Andrew Santino
Were you okay?
Carlos
So when you slam, you have to go like this. It's so humiliating.
Andrew Santino
That's how they know you're not hurt.
Bobby Lee
I'm okay.
Carlos
I'm okay.
Dax Flame
Was it your first time since the incident?
Carlos
No, I've been going by myself.
Andrew Santino
Training.
Carlos
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
It's never gonna happen again. You're never gonna fall again.
Carlos
The most lonesome human experience you could ever have.
Andrew Santino
You put on headphones?
Carlos
No.
Andrew Santino
You just.
Carlos
I'm just skating around. There's this 90 year old Japanese man, he's one foot backwards.
Andrew Santino
Wow.
Carlos
Yeah. He's killing it, right? And it's just like I'm gonna. Oh, this is. Yeah, this is my life.
Andrew Santino
You're that guy.
Carlos
No family, nobody.
Andrew Santino
Stop it. You can invite so many people that would love to come skate.
Carlos
No one's gonna go skating on a Monday night.
Isa
Should have asked mama.
Carlos
I'm not going with your mom.
Andrew Santino
Why not?
Carlos
She would fall over like a coconut and explode on the coconut meat all over the place. There's no way.
Andrew Santino
Coconut skate sesh.
Carlos
Yeah, yeah.
Andrew Santino
Coconut skate sesh.
Carlos
No, there's something. I like it because it kind of like watch a movie by yourself and stuff. You're like, I'm okay being my. By myself. I don't need anybody. I don't want to be in a situation where I'm like, I need somebody to make me feel whole. I want to be able to do it on my own. It's a little depressing, but I gotta get prepared because I don't have any children. So it's like I have to be prepared that you're gonna die alone at the end. You know what I mean? It's gonna be.
Andrew Santino
We're all gonna die alone.
Carlos
Well, you're gonna have friends and family around.
Andrew Santino
So will you?
Carlos
Yeah. That Japanese man from the roller rink.
Andrew Santino
Maybe he'll be long gone, my friend.
Carlos
Oh, yeah, yeah. But.
Bobby Lee
Right, Dax, don't you think the dying alone.
Carlos
No, but I'm just saying. Do you feel comfortable just being by myself? Like eating a meal by yourself?
Bobby Lee
I do, but it sounds like you're. You're. You're not sure about it.
Carlos
Oh, wow. Explore that.
Bobby Lee
Would you rather be alone a lot of the time?
Andrew Santino
Do you long for a partner at all?
Bobby Lee
Yes. Yeah.
Andrew Santino
Are you on the hunt?
Bobby Lee
I did go on a hinge date last night.
Andrew Santino
What are we talking? Where'd you go?
Bobby Lee
To a bar.
Andrew Santino
What Bar.
Bobby Lee
Bigfoot Lodge.
Andrew Santino
Would you.
Carlos
Oh, I love Bigfoot Lodge.
Bobby Lee
A beer.
Andrew Santino
What did she order? Sorry?
Carlos
They.
Bobby Lee
I think she went by. She.
Andrew Santino
Okay. What did she order? What did she. They order? She heard they.
Bobby Lee
Cider.
Andrew Santino
Little cider.
Bobby Lee
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
Give me the conversation. What was it? What was it?
Bobby Lee
What kind of things do you do for fun? And were you intrigued?
Andrew Santino
Was she pretty?
Bobby Lee
She was pretty.
Andrew Santino
Were you looking pretty?
Bobby Lee
I don't. I don't know. Yeah.
Andrew Santino
What did you wear?
Bobby Lee
A black shirt and some jeans.
Andrew Santino
That's pretty.
Bobby Lee
Thanks.
Carlos
But you always wear your head.
Bobby Lee
Yes.
Carlos
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
Yeah. Did you make a move?
Bobby Lee
No.
Andrew Santino
You give her a hug?
Bobby Lee
Yes.
Carlos
Now, do you make a move when you see a sign or. What is a gut instinct thing with you?
Andrew Santino
What is it?
Bobby Lee
It's really hard. I have. Yeah. First kiss is such a hard thing to know how to do. You ever ask?
Andrew Santino
Do you just go, hey, yeah, I kind of want to kiss you?
Bobby Lee
Yeah.
Carlos
Have they said no?
Bobby Lee
No. No.
Carlos
Oh, you've never said.
Andrew Santino
Closes every.
Carlos
You're a closer, dude. You're a fucking closer, girl.
Andrew Santino
Ask me for a kiss. I had such a fun time to tonight.
Bobby Lee
Do you want to kiss?
Carlos
Oh, that's how direct you are.
Andrew Santino
That was pretty fast.
Bobby Lee
Oh, I would, I guess.
Andrew Santino
I mean, I'm wet, but that was fast.
Carlos
You know, I. You know, that's interesting. I don't do that because I'm too scared to act. I honestly believe that, like, I. I have to have a couple of signs before I go in.
Andrew Santino
What are the signs?
Carlos
I have to know, like, if they're like.
Andrew Santino
What, baseball sign? Yeah.
Bobby Lee
No, you.
Carlos
Oh, yeah. No, I. I need. They have to be touching me a lot.
Andrew Santino
A lot of touching.
Carlos
Right, right. And then it's just the way they look at me.
Andrew Santino
How do they look at you? Oh, I see. That is a white girl. Yeah, she is.
Carlos
You know what I mean? And then I'm like. I think it's on.
Andrew Santino
What's your signal to move in for a kiss?
Bobby Lee
I can't. I. I can't tell. That's why.
Andrew Santino
So you say, can I have a kiss?
Bobby Lee
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
Or would you like a kiss? How do you phrase it?
Bobby Lee
I don't remember the last. I think the last two times were they actually asked.
Andrew Santino
What do they say?
Bobby Lee
Should we kiss or something?
Andrew Santino
Or do you say yes right away? Or do you go, sure, yeah. You say, yeah, I want.
Bobby Lee
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
Have you ever said the words, like, have you ever said I love you to somebody?
Bobby Lee
Yes. Yes.
Andrew Santino
You've been in love.
Bobby Lee
Yeah. Yeah.
Andrew Santino
And what happened?
Bobby Lee
We broke up.
Andrew Santino
That's what happened.
Carlos
That's funny.
Andrew Santino
Oh. Why do you think you broke up?
Bobby Lee
Oh, well, I think she just wasn't sure. What, like, needed to figure out life or something?
Andrew Santino
She did? Yeah, because you've got to figure it out.
Bobby Lee
No, I mean, but I was. I didn't feel like I needed to break up.
Carlos
So you said. You said to her, I love you, and then she said, let's break up. I mean, how fast did that.
Bobby Lee
Oh, not in the moment.
Carlos
Oh, okay, okay.
Bobby Lee
Because she had said it back before. Yeah. Yeah.
Carlos
What do you mean?
Bobby Lee
Like she had said. Like we had been saying it for months.
Andrew Santino
Said it first.
Bobby Lee
Me. Say it to me as if you're her back then.
Andrew Santino
Anybody.
Bobby Lee
Someone I love. I love you.
Andrew Santino
I don't believe you. I don't believe you.
Carlos
I don't believe you either. Do it again.
Bobby Lee
You want me to do it to you?
Carlos
I'd love to. Look, lock me in the eyes because don't dart your little eyes away. Look at me. Eyes.
Bobby Lee
I love you.
Andrew Santino
Who's she? Who's that?
Bobby Lee
Wait, who's.
Carlos
I'm Chang. Hi, I'm Chang.
Bobby Lee
I love you.
Andrew Santino
I believe it.
Carlos
I believe that you like Chang better than the other one.
Bobby Lee
Yeah.
Andrew Santino
You want to kiss?
Carlos
You do have an Asian fetish.
Bobby Lee
What?
Carlos
Do you want to kiss?
Bobby Lee
Oh, yes.
Carlos
Do you know? Do you. Do you go close mouth first? Or you.
Andrew Santino
Or do you open it closed, tongue it?
Carlos
What if she tries to dart your. Her little tongue inside your mouth? What do you do then?
Bobby Lee
I would just probably accept that.
Andrew Santino
Yeah. You got to take that.
Carlos
I feel like guys have to adapt to her and not the other way around. Of course. But why?
Andrew Santino
Because we're lucky they want to do stuff with us.
Carlos
Right.
Andrew Santino
That's insane.
Carlos
So you instinctually know, okay, this is.
Andrew Santino
Her style because you've seen guys, you look at what a man looks like, they don't want to do. Why? Why would they want to do anything with us? It's insane.
Carlos
No, but in terms of when you first lock lips, you've ever seen you naked.
Andrew Santino
You fully naked in the mirror.
Carlos
Oh, yeah. It's horrifying.
Andrew Santino
No, I'm not saying you.
Bobby Lee
I just.
Andrew Santino
In general. What are you guys whispering?
Carlos
What are you whispering? I called you an incel for saying that.
Dax Flame
And then he said you are a performative male. It's just back of the room talk. Like back of the classroom talk.
Andrew Santino
But we can see you.
Dax Flame
Yeah, it's like in school, they can see. It's like.
Carlos
Like I'm a performative male. What does that mean?
Andrew Santino
Pull it up.
Dax Flame
I mean, kind of, like, the old. Like, when you'd, like, pretend to be, like, reading or, like, crying in your car or something. Pretend to be, like, deep.
Isa
You, like, macho.
Dax Flame
Yeah, like performing a thing for. So.
Andrew Santino
So he's a performative male.
Carlos
It's like a meme now on the Internet.
Dax Flame
Bobby's like, exactly. That guys are trying to look mysterious or, like, you know, like, oh, yeah, I'm performative.
Carlos
I'm performative. I don't think that's a bad thing. It's unperformative.
Dax Flame
There are worse things.
Andrew Santino
Yeah, I think it is negative.
Carlos
It is a negative thing. And there will be revenge.
Bobby Lee
Do you all have first kiss advice?
Andrew Santino
Yeah, I do get permission. And people usually say, start slow. Go as fast and hard as you can. Tongue. As much tongue. And you hold their ears. Grip their ears. No, I'm not.
Carlos
Imagine it's honeycomb, and you're a bear.
Andrew Santino
You're a bear, right?
Carlos
And you gotta see a beehive.
Andrew Santino
Sniff them.
Carlos
You open up a hole, you stick your bear tongue in there, and you get all the honey.
Andrew Santino
And sometimes in the middle of the.
Carlos
Kiss, go, yeah, like a bear. Like. Yeah.
Andrew Santino
Yeah, be a bear. Goat.
Carlos
Is that a bear? Is that a bear or no? I don't know. Really close your eyes. You're in the woods. Okay.
Andrew Santino
The ghost of a bear.
Carlos
It's a ghost bear.
Andrew Santino
Obviously a ghost.
Carlos
Yeah, yeah.
Andrew Santino
Kissing advice. Let's give him kissing advice at the exact same time. One, two, three. You gotta go.
Carlos
Are you gonna do a whole sentence? You're gonna do a whole sentence.
Andrew Santino
Just on the count of three. We give him advice at the same time. One, two.
Bobby Lee
More like, whoa. More like how to initiate it rather than the mechanics.
Andrew Santino
See if you can pick it up. We're doing it simultaneously. See if you can pick up some notes. Ready? One, two, three.
Carlos
You got to lock eyes with them, and then, you know, I mean, grab the back of her head. And then you just dart your face right into the face. You know what I mean? And then you open your mouth and you dart dark, dark, dark, dark, dark. With your tongue, right? And if she goes, no, you got to keep going, Keep going, keep going.
Andrew Santino
Keep going, keep going until she's done.
Bobby Lee
Okay, thank you.
Andrew Santino
And then say, thank you for being a bad friend.
Bobby Lee
Thank you for being a bad friend.
Andrew Santino
Say it louder.
Bobby Lee
Thank you for being a bad friend.
Andrew Santino
Do it like Morgan Freeman.
Bobby Lee
Thank you for being a bad friend.
Carlos
D.
In their signature blend of wild, irreverent, and brutally honest banter, Andrew Santino and Bobby Lee host a raucous Halloween episode with regulars Isa (“Rudy”), Carlos, and guest Dax Flame. The gang dives into recent adventures, romantic escapades, dominatrix culture, dating dilemmas, a hilarious game of Halloween trivia, and plenty of self-deprecating, pointed observations. This episode leans into themes of experimentation in life and love, group dynamics, money etiquette, and the primal realities of human connection—with all the sharp, silly, and chaotic energy fans love.
Andrew Santino:
Carlos:
Isa ("Rudy"):
Bobby Lee:
The episode is fast-paced, raunchy, and deeply self-aware. The hosts’ chemistry comes through in relentless teasing, ego clashes, and an undercurrent of genuine affection. Jokes are dark, playful, and occasionally provoke the boundary between earnest vulnerability and raw, punchline-driven chaos.
For listeners new and old, ‘Rudy Loves Chocolate’ is classic Bad Friends: fearless, filthy, and deeply human beneath the madness.