Obscure Erotica 2026

Summary

Bad On Paper – "Obscure Erotica 2026"

Hosts: Becca Freeman & Olivia Muenter
Date: February 11, 2026

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Episode Overview

Becca and Olivia celebrate their annual Valentine’s Day "Obscure Erotica Extravaganza," diving into the wildest, weirdest corners of indie erotica. Each host brings a new “obscure” erotic novella to discuss, examining everything from plot to world-building (or lack thereof), mechanics of object-based intimacy, and the balance between shock, humor, and scar. Listeners are in for hilarious summaries, critical analysis, and memorable quotes about sentient macaroni and cheese, step-sibling pitcher sex, and the inexhaustible creativity of the genre.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Checking In: Highs & Lows (02:35–07:46)

• Olivia’s High: Excited for her upcoming book release and book tour after a rough January. “I've never been so happy to see a new month. Oh, January was long and it was rough... I'm just feeling good.” (02:45)
• Becca’s High: Finally booked movers for her new apartment, feeling in control and hopeful.
• Lows:
  • Becca: Triggered by the cancer themes in the Andrea Gibson documentary, “Come See Me in the Good Light."
    • “I made it 20 minutes. I was hyperventilating, crying. It was a type of crying that I don't even think I do annually.” (05:32)
  • Olivia: Pre-tour burnout. Emphasizes the need for post-tour rest and reset.
    • “I'm verging on burnt out... I'm trying to work ahead as much as humanly possible.” (06:55)
• Both express hope for smoother days ahead.

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2. The Main Event: Obscure Erotica Reviews

A. Olivia’s Pick:

My Macaroni and Cheese Is a Lesbian. Also, She Is My Lawyer by Chuck Tingle
(09:33–24:47)

• Plot Summary

  • Follows Mona, sued by the element of water for defamation after declaring water “disgusting” and endorsing chocolate milk.
  • In a sentient-objects world, her lawyer is Hema – a bowl of macaroni and cheese who is also, coincidentally, a lesbian.
  • The story includes a courtroom battle, office romance, and a quasi-sexual encounter with the pasta-dish-turned-lawyer.

• Worldbuilding & Mechanics

  • Lack of logical explanation for object anatomy:
    • “The Mac and cheese has a vagina. Not explained. The Mac and cheese has hands. The Mac and cheese has a head.” (15:21)
    • “I think actually the body parts are made of the Mac and cheese. So it's like messy. Yeah.” (15:40)
  • Courtroom scenes feature a water bottle in a suit as lead counsel for “Big Water.”
  • Sex scene involves phrases such as “her macaroni tongue,” and Hema the mac and cheese gets “overcooked” post-coitus.
  • “The sex was too hot and now I'm overcooked. So the noodle, the noodle of her is falling apart.” (17:05)

• Critical Analysis

  • Olivia finds the story “nonsensical" and confusing, laughing at the bizarre logic but disappointed in the lack of clarity.
    • “Honestly, I laughed. But I also think maybe we have a different scale than most people here.” (19:49)
  • Reviewers mention a "unicorn story" bonus, which Olivia's copy didn’t include, causing further confusion.
  • Spiciness: Underwhelming; “three out of five, maybe… and that’s generous. Maybe two.” (22:36)
  • Wishes for a future sequel: More worldbuilding and clarity about object-to-human sentience rules.

• Notable Quotes

  • “Her macaroni tongue.” (17:05–17:20, Olivia)
  • “You can fuck anything.” (02:19, Becca)
  • “My algorithm is fucked. The things that it suggests to me…” (12:20, Becca)

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B. Becca’s Pick:

Cold Sweat by Vera Valentine
(27:00–45:47)

• Premise & Content Warnings

  • Erotic novella featuring “Red,” a sentient glass pitcher of cherry punch (a legal stand-in for the Kool Aid Man), who is the protagonist's stepbrother.
  • Author’s note & trigger warnings up front:
    • “He’s a sentient pitcher of punch. Step siblings getting it on (they met as adults)... Glass rod insertion. Punch in places it doesn’t usually go... Discussions of anime... Drunken sex with a pallet of drink mix... Sucralose, Red Dye Number 40.” (29:49–31:52)

• Plot Summary

  • Protagonist Jules is home from college on break. Parents are out, house is cold, so stepbrother Red (the pitcher) suggests using the new sauna.
  • A tree falls, trapping them inside. Red cools her off with punch dispensed from his own body.
  • Detailed anatomical explanations, including:
    • “A clear glass shaft with a simple bulbed head, all surrounding a thick internal column of the red cherry punch…” (37:09)
    • The rim of the pitcher as an erogenous zone, glass dildo imagery, and existential punch/blood/cum debates.
  • Post-coital logistics discussed, e.g., UTI prevention:
    • “Red laughed loudly… ‘Jules, relax. I'm sugar free. You're fine, I promise.’” (38:57)
  • Ends with Jules and Red making plans to move in together; parents are conveniently absent.

• Critical Observations

  • Becca praises the author for addressing all logical questions, providing clarity lacking from other obscure erotica.
    • “They really did answer every question I had. She really went the extra mile to be like, well how does that work?” (32:26–33:03)
  • Story is more focused on logistics and world-building than actual spiciness.
    • “There’s, like, one main sex scene… it was more logistically oriented… I was worried because he doesn't have a lid.” (43:51)
  • Reader reactions are surprisingly positive, with puns and genuine 5-star reviews for the author’s imaginative efforts.
    • “Quench my thirst for weird smut, that’s for sure.” (41:36)
    • “This book is better than most books I’ve read in the romance genre to date.” (42:17)
  • Both hosts agree Vera Valentine is the standard for fun oddball erotica.

• Notable Quotes

  • “I’m a man that happens to be a glass pitcher of liquid, not blind. You’re gorgeous.” (36:42, from Red)
  • “He does say… when he comes…” (44:23, Becca — trailing off in horror)
  • “My good little cup.” (38:45, from Red — cringe)

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3. Reflections on the Genre & Sequel Dreams

• Both hosts marvel at the sheer creativity, rating scales, and viral appeal of "weird smut" Kindle books.
• Olivia muses about wanting more story logic and world rules, particularly around sentient objects.
• Becca brainstorms sequel ideas for "Cold Sweat," wishing for “more breaking down walls—literally.”
  • “He didn’t break through any walls… I think there’s really two ways to achieve that: she gets kidnapped, and then he has to find her and, you know, he has to break through a wall…” (44:32–45:24)

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Timestamps for Noteworthy Segments

• Valentine’s Day Erotica Tradition – 00:23
• Highs and Lows – 02:35–07:46
• Introduction to Obscure Erotica Picks – 09:01–09:55
• Olivia reviews Chuck Tingle’s Mac and Cheese – 09:33–24:47
  • Convoluted object erotica explained – 15:15–19:49
  • Reviewer confusion, unicorn mystery – 21:03–22:32
• Becca reviews Vera Valentine’s Cold Sweat – 27:00–45:47
  • Author warnings and set-up – 27:00–31:52
  • Kool Aid stepbrother anatomical Q&A – 32:14–38:20
  • Punch logistics and aftermath – 38:23–44:18
  • Goodreads review highlights – 41:23–42:32
• Sequel brainstorming & genre musings – 44:32–45:24

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Tone & Notable Moments

• The episode is equal parts analytical, irreverent, and self-aware, with both hosts keeping a mix of book club seriousness and stand-up comedy about the inherent absurdity of their subject.
• Memorable running jokes: “You can fuck anything.” (Becca, 02:19); mac and cheese anatomy woes; Red’s glass rod and “good little cup.”
• Recurrent meta-commentary: “I laughed, but I also think maybe we have a different scale than most people here.” (19:49, Olivia)
• Both express that the humor and creative logistics win over purely shocking or graphic content.

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Closing: Obsessed With & Book Club Announcements (47:41–51:19)

• Obsessions:
  • Olivia: Bombas slipper grippers.
  • Becca: Swedish sour pear bubs candies.
• Current Reading: Both are too deep into “weird erotica” to finish traditional books.
• February Book Club Pick: Olivia’s novel Little One — a dual-timeline thriller about a woman fleeing a cult, out February 3. Discussion at the end of the month.

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For Further Discussion

• How do you feel about the scale of smutty creativity?
• Are you team plausible object romance, or do you prefer pure mad-libs chaos?
• Join the Facebook or BFF chat for more confessions, recs, and reactions.

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Final Thoughts:
This annual Bad On Paper tradition delivers a mix of gag-worthy content, sincere curiosity about the boundaries of romance novels, and biting commentary on taste, logistics, and the joys of letting your reading goal be just a little bit weirder. Vera Valentine: you have fans in Becca and Olivia. Chuck Tingle: maybe explain the noodles next time.

Transcript

[A]

Hi, everyone. Welcome back to Baton Paper Podcast. I'm Becca Freeman.

[B]

And I'm Olivia Mentor.

[A]

And it is our, I think, third annual Valentine's Day obscure erotica extravaganza.

[B]

Happy Valentine's Day to us all.

[A]

How do you feel about what you have brought for us today on a scale of 1 to 10?

[B]

I don't know. I'm still processing it. I have a lot of mixed feelings. This was a comedy of errors getting to this. But I. I will tell you that this is the first time I have consumed the audiobook version. Oh, that's a choice. I have a different, you know, a different perspective to bring to the table.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

How are you feeling?

[A]

I think I have a solid eight on my hands. I think I have something that is funny but not scarring for the listeners. I feel like I maybe went too far last Valentine's Day with the Deviled eggman. I still get a lot of DMS about deviled eggs. Anytime anyone is eating deviled eggs, I do too, actually. So I think I found a good balance.

[B]

I do think that we have both brought something that can be consumed.

[A]

So originally on Saturday night, you DM'd me a screenshot of a book called the Dinosaurs Embrace a Forbidden Romance.

[B]

I have a lot of dinosaur erotica, like, information to report back to you, but that's not the direction I went.

[A]

I can't wait. And then yesterday we talked and I said I found mine, and you asked if it's a food item, and I said no, but it is a drink.

[B]

Yeah. Which I think we're gonna have a little bit of. Everything or. No, actually, that's a complete lie. I think we're just gonna have two very specific things that are in the same world.

[A]

If this series has taught me anything, it's that you can make comedy erotica out of anything. You can fuck anything.

[B]

Absolutely. This one really. It really taught me that lesson all over again.

[A]

Okay, but before we get to the main event, give me your high.

[B]

Well, as we record this, it is towards the beginning of the month of February. We're recording a bit early. Cause I'm going to be traveling for my book tour. And I've never been so happy to see a new month. Oh, January was long and it was rough. And I have just been really, really pushing myself, working at book promo stuff and just trying to make the publication as good as possible. And, you know, aside from work stuff, as we have mentioned, it's just been a tough month. So to see a new month and to know that next month is March, which will be like the first inkling of spring. It just is giving me a brand new hope. I get to publish my book tomorrow. As I record this, it's tomorrow. When you listen to this, it will have already been out for a while, a week and a half or so. And, yeah, I'm just feeling good. I'm feeling like I hope all my hard work paid off and I can just go enjoy Tor, and I can come back and rest and I can get back to writing and then spring will get here. And, yeah, I needed a new. A new day, a new month. So that's my high.

[A]

I feel that I said rabbit, rabbit yesterday for luck. So I'm hopeful that we're into smoother waters from here, personally and culturally.

[B]

Yep. Well, what else is your high?

[A]

My high is that I booked movers. So hopefully by the time you listen to this, congratulations. You know more about our lives than we do. And hopefully Olivia's book has come out, and it's been a smashing success, and I've moved into my new apartment. But just booking movers and having a date in the calendar has made me feel so much more in control.

[B]

I bet. Yeah. What a good feeling.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Fingers crossed. Everything goes very smoothly.

[A]

Fingers, toes, knees, elbows, everything crossed.

[B]

Well, what's your low? I'm a little scared, Olivia. I saw on the outline, and I was like, oh, no, this is my fault.

[A]

I don't blame this on you very much.

[B]

Oh, no.

[A]

So on Friday night, I had gone out to happy hour with my friend Jenna, and I came home and it was still early ish. And I was watching Shrinking on Apple tv, the new episode of the new season. And after it finished, it started to autoplay Come See Me in the Good Light, the documentary about Andrea Gibson. And I'd heard you talk about your admiration for them and how much you enjoyed the documentary and how it. It felt affirming, even though it was very sad. Olivia, I made it 20 minutes. I was hyperventilating, crying. It was a type of crying that I don't even think I do annually.

[B]

Yeah, it's not an easy watch.

[A]

No.

[B]

But I wish you had made it to the end.

[A]

I can't. I actually can't. I think that my triggers for death by cancer have gotten more severe as I've gotten older. I think that there was a time in my life where I found that cathartic to read about in books or. I don't know that. I've seen other documentaries that deal with that, but I could not watch this.

[B]

Oh, I'm sorry it upset you so much. You never know how you're gonna react to something.

[A]

Totally.

[B]

But, you know, we offer two varying perspectives on it. I still say for me, it was deeply sad, but deeply life affirming. And actually, I've been thinking about it so much just in my life as I go about my dates and I worry about stupid stuff and I just think this is so not important, but, you know, also trigger warning for people out there. So, yeah, I'm sorry, it's not your.

[A]

Fault, but I gave it a try and I failed.

[B]

Failed. That's okay. Was shrinking good?

[A]

Oh, shrinking was very good.

[B]

Good. I'm excited to, to watch that and get back to that show. One of my favorites.

[A]

What about you, Diavolo?

[B]

Not really. I'm pretty tired. I'm.

[A]

I'm.

[B]

I'm verging on burnt out. I think that's maybe a bunch of. Maybe my low. But it's really just I'm trying to work ahead as much as humanly possible to get everything scheduled and everything running before I go on tour. So I'm not, you know, running around from planes and trains and Ubers and also stressed about other stuff. So I'm hoping that it's like a type of burnout that ultimately makes me able to relax and enjoy tour more and that by the time this episode comes out, I'm feeling energized and ready to just, you know, maybe take a few days off and then get back to working on book three. So, yeah, not. Not too big of a low.

[A]

I hope that too. But I also hope that after tour, you get some rest.

[B]

Yeah, I'm. I'm gonna definitely take some days where I don't do anything. I think just to like, reset and get back into writing mode and quiet mode.

[A]

Well, you know what mode I want to get into now? Weird smut mode.

[B]

Weird erotica mode.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. Let's take an.

[B]

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[A]

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[A]

How do we decide who goes first?

[B]

Well, here's the thing. When you hear the title of mine, you're gonna think that I brought the weirdest one yet. And I don't know if that's actually true once I got into the content of it. So I feel like you said yours is an 8 out of 10 in terms of quality or.

[A]

I think it's funny more than it's scarring.

[B]

Okay, well, let's go with your second.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Something to look forward to.

[A]

Well, then tell them. First, tell me this title that you've teased.

[B]

Yes, this title is My Macaroni and Cheese Is a Lesbian. Also, she is my lawyer.

[A]

I. Yep. Okay. Who's it by?

[B]

Yeah, Chuck Tingle. Who?

[A]

Has Tingle been here before?

[B]

I actually don't think so. And I kind of wanted to do something by him because he is a fascinating character. And for those that don't know, he has written two traditional books. But mostly he writes stories that sound like this. I think another one is, like, pounded by my library card or something. You know, just normal things. And he is anonymous. So when you see him, he's usually just wearing a paper bag over his head and some glasses. But he's kind of prolific and famous within the weird erotica community, so it is kind of weird he hasn't come up yet.

[A]

So tell me about the book cover. I gotta look this up so I can see along with you.

[B]

Yeah, enjoy that. So on the left hand you have a scantily clad woman. She's kind of looking over her left shoulder in a bikini. And then on the right, you have a gigantic bowl of Mac and cheese. And within it is a disembodied face of a woman. And in the background of both of them is what appears to be an office setting, which doesn't really make any sense.

[A]

Well, she's a lawyer.

[B]

Right. But none of it. Well, I guess actually, one scene does take place in the office. Mostly it takes place in the courtroom.

[A]

Not the bedroom.

[B]

Well, not the sex, but. But there is a lot of courtroom action because, you know, the Mac and cheese is a lawyer. Which is clear.

[A]

Correct. This book is covering a lot of ground. In 37 pages, it is.

[B]

I listened to the audiobook. Okay, let me take you on this journey with me. So I did some research over the weekend as you touched on. I was texting you about it, and I was like, let find my book, then on Sunday I'll read it, and then Monday morning I'll go through the outline. And so I found this book. I read the sample, and I was like, yes, this is the one I want to do. My Kindle is very old, probably going on 10 years, and it just decides not to work. Sometimes it takes a day to fully charge. It's. I need to replace it. So I bought this book for $2.99 because I don't have Kindle Unlimited anymore. And it would not show up on my Kindle no matter what I did. It just wouldn't download. So then I thought, okay, well, I have to read this. I'm running out of time. So let me go back to the dinosaur. And I found this book called Triceratops and Bottoms. And I bought that. Okay, so I've now bought two books. My algorithm is burning.

[A]

My algorithm is fucked. The things that it suggests to me. I just. I thank God that I don't have the Kindle that has the ads on the COVID anymore.

[B]

Right. Yes, I have that on the lock.

[A]

Screen because the ads would be actually demented based on the spectrum of things I have downloaded for this series alone.

[B]

Yeah, once you get going, it's really a whole. A whole world, as we know. Anyway, so I bought Tricera tops and bottoms. And it seemed promising at first. There's a line in the beginning that said she stepped out of the bathroom half an hour later, more frustrated and bored than ever. The last time she felt this way, she traveled to an underground cyborg sex club, barely legal, even now hidden under a dormant volcano in Antarctica for a series of encounters that had to be struck from the Book of Memories for fear of legal repercussions. So this is set in the future, and this woman is using AI Mostly to live out all her sexual fantasies. And then time travel comes in at chapter two. Always does. The thing is, I had to stop the dinosaur book because I couldn't get over the fact that isn't it bestiality? They're animals. They're not, like, fake creatures. Sure. And I didn't like it.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

And so I stopped that. And I was like, I have to find macaroni and cheese. I ended up buying the audiobook.

[A]

How did you find this? You just. You knew about Chuck Tingle and you started looking through his catalog?

[B]

No, I just Googled weird obscure erotica. And I just kept clicking until I found some titles that intrigued me.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And here we are.

[A]

Well, tell us what this book is about.

[B]

This book is about a woman named Mona.

[A]

Uh huh.

[B]

And she is being sued for $1 billion by water. Wow. The element of water.

[A]

Excuse me?

[B]

The she.

[A]

Big water.

[B]

Yes. So because she lives in a world where all inanimate objects are actually sentient, everything she says is overheard. And she was overheard saying that water is disgusting and everyone should only drink chocolate milk. And so water came in and sued her for $1 billion for defamation.

[A]

So I'm sorry, Mona is the Mac and cheese or somebody else is the Mac and cheese?

[B]

Because we haven't gotten to the Mac and cheese yet.

[A]

To be made with mil is vile.

[B]

Yeah, no, Mona's a woman and she said this and water was like, we're having none of this. We are an element necessary for life. This is ridiculous. So she's at the courthouse with her friend and she's like, where the hell is my lawyer? And the Mac and cheese in front of her in the cafe is like, hello, it's me, I am here. And that is Hema, the Mac and cheese.

[A]

So in this world.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Do the objects shape shift or they are just sentient objects that stay objects?

[B]

This is perhaps my biggest complaint with this. Nowhere does it explain that. Now, when you get to the sex scenes, for example, the Mac and cheese has a vagina. Not explained. The Mac and cheese has hands. The Mac and cheese has a head.

[A]

Okay, so the Mac and cheese has a human form if it has a head.

[B]

Right. But there's no point where it's like the Mac and cheese then shape shifted. It's always Mac and cheese. And as I got deeper in it, I think actually the body parts are made of the Mac and cheese. So it's like messy. Yeah. It's like the form is human, but the form is also pasta. Okay. Yeah. So anyway, they go into the courtroom. The main lawyer on waterside is a giant water bottle in a suit.

[A]

Which sounds right.

[B]

I loved. They have a great day in court. They go back to the lawyer's office and they realize that there's some chemistry. Now, I think this is actually not legal, or at least not advised. But also the lawyer is Mac and cheese. So I guess it's fine.

[A]

Where does Mac and cheese have relations? In a bed?

[B]

In the office.

[A]

In the office.

[B]

In the office. So as I said, I was curious how this would go given the body parts of it all. And really, it just seems like, as I said, the noodles become arms and whatnot.

[A]

I think I need to skip ahead a bit. I think I need some line readings of favorite passages because I have to confess that I cannot quite understand what is happening here.

[B]

I literally didn't understand at all. And I was annoyed, but I was already down the rabbit hole. So I will say my worst three words in the whole book was just the words. Her macaroni tongue. And that's also where I kind of got that, okay, the body parts are made of macaroni and cheese. And then I also understood that after they had sex, there's a bit of a, like a intense moment where Hema is sort of like, can't walk anymore. Again, not even sure how she could walk in in the first part, but fine. And you realize that the sex was. This is the exact line. The sex was too hot and now I'm overcooked. So the noodle, the noodle of her is falling apart. And because of that she's not able to go to court the next day to fight water. It sounds insane. It's just, it's actually the most nonsensical one I've read of all of them. Which is funny because this is the most famous author of this genre of weird erotica. So I. I don't know, I was disappointed and upset.

[A]

I love the idea of this ending up in a time capsule somewhere and somebody finding this episode in isolation as a representative of our times.

[B]

It kind of feels like Mad Libs. I do want to add one of my favorite parts is after the first day of the trial when they're first sort of discovering their chemistry. They go to a bar and it's a chocolate milk bar.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

It's just, it's. Yeah, just throwing back chocolate milk, falling in love.

[A]

I need passages, I need a representative reading of this book.

[B]

I mean, I don't have any because I listen to it. So I just have phrases. I just have her macaroni tongue. The sex was too hot and now I'm overcooked.

[A]

Uh huh. Who narrated it?

[B]

Who narrated it? Just a woman.

[A]

Okay, so not Chuck.

[B]

Not Chuck. It's the first time I've ever listened to like, erotica and it's. I just couldn't conceive that somewhere some woman had to take this completely seriously from start to finish. And it was 22 minutes, by the way. Quick listen. Okay, so that was slowed down.

[A]

Where did you end up on a rating scale for this book in terms of quality?

[B]

I was not impressed.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I thought the story was Convoluted. I thought there was no explanation. Usually we're like, what do you mean? You time travel? And then when you time travel, your body shifts into a human form. That doesn't make any sense. Now I'm like, I would have appreciated that. Yeah, I would have appreciated some understanding of what a Mac and cheese body looks like.

[A]

Absolutely. How can I get into it if I don't understand the mechanics of macaroni and cheese sex?

[B]

Exactly. Then the too hot, the overheated, it's just, it was nonsensical. But also I did laugh quite a bit because the backstory of the, the water and the chocolate milk was so absolutely unhinged and weird. It's like, you don't need that when you're already writing erotica about macaroni and cheese. I should also say that one thing I didn't understand is that Hema is the name of the macaroni and cheese. But constantly she is referred to as the sentient Mac and cheese or the sentient pasta dish. It's like, we get it. You know, we, we understand from page one what's happening. But yeah, I was disappointed with this. Honestly, I laughed. But I also think maybe we have a different scale than most people here.

[A]

Well, I do feel like I've become more discerning about this genre since we started. And I feel like also because I think this is the fourth time we've done this. Cause we did a bonus one after the election last year. I feel like we've exhausted some tropes, if you will. We gotta one up ourselves.

[B]

It's true. Like I saw time travel in the dinosaur book and I was like, okay again, here we go. You know.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But here's another mysterious aspect of this book I need to share with you. So I read some reviews, obviously on Goodreads where It has a 3.19 rating. 102 ratings. Here's one. One star review. Okay, I was not expecting a lot here. And that is about what we got. I truly am the only one to be blamed here for this. I laughed, I cried. And then we got to the unicorn story.

[A]

What unicorn story?

[B]

Exactly. Trust me, you do not want to get to the unicorn story. I need a shower and some holy water. Possibly a full on decontamination procedure. Now when I read that, I know because of our history with these books that we're going to get something. There was no unicorn story.

[A]

So do you remember?

[B]

I'm like, did I black out?

[A]

Do you remember when I did the clippy one? And so in that one, it was the clippy one. And then it went on and there were, like, three more other unrelated stories in there. So maybe in the ebook version there's, like, bonus material.

[B]

I mean, I'm curious because here's another one with three stars. It says it both is exactly what it looks like, and then something more is it. This book has a secondary story involving unicorns, which made me want to peel the retinas from my face, but otherwise, a fun, silly read.

[A]

I'm kind of intrigued. I gotta know what kind of intrigued.

[B]

But I didn't have time to find it. But if I do, I will report back because I definitely was like, this is the most tame, weird erotica I've ever read.

[A]

How spicy was it? I'm not quite grasping.

[B]

I mean, I think it was definitely erotica, but it was. I mean, compared to some things we've read, three out of five, maybe.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And that's generous. Maybe two. Okay. It was confusing to me. We have a different scale, like we said.

[A]

So now, if you were dreaming up a sequel to this story in addition to some Mac and cheese anatomy explainers, what else would you want to see in a sequel here?

[B]

Well, I think I want more information about the world. Like, the lawyer on the other side is a water bottle, but there are humans all around. But then she seems surprised that there is a sentient Mac and cheese. You know, so. Yeah.

[A]

Why can you be a water lawyer and can't have a Mac and cheese lawyer?

[B]

Exactly. Exactly.

[A]

So the rules of the world seem a little bit bendy.

[B]

Yes, they do give me some world building, you know, because this could go literally anywhere. And I just wanted more. I wanted more.

[A]

How did you feel like the representation of female characters was from Chuck Tingle writing a lesbian romance. I assume Chuck is a man.

[B]

Yes, I think he. He is. I mean, it's 22 pages, so I can't say there. There's a lot of personal development going on.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

Confusingly, at the end, Hema is like, you did such a great job, you know, being your own lawyer.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[B]

Because, you know, Emma is the, like, soft noodled or whatever it is. And. And then Mona has to defend herself. She's like, you should become a lawyer in our practice. And that's the end. And I'm like, so there's no bar exam here. There's just water bottles and macaroni and cheese being lawyers. And by the way, the judge is named after the author. There's just a lot of things going on here.

[A]

Judge is Chuck Tingle.

[B]

It's Judge Tingle. Yes.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

So I just feel like I should not have paid 299 for that. I should not have. I should not have. I'm a little disappointed. If this is your genre, do better. That's all I have to say.

[A]

All right.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

Should we take another ad break?

[B]

Yes. I was like, wait, how do we transition out of this?

[A]

How do we transition out of my macaroni and cheese is my lover and also my lawyer.

[B]

By the way, no punctuation in that title whatsoever. It's just a lot of words all together. Yes. Let's take an ad break and then we will hear about your book. This episode is sponsored by Cozy Earth. As I talked about last week, having almost 2ft of snow on the ground for week after week after week is making me very much appreciate just spending time in my bed. Every evening after dinner, I change into my pajamas as quick as possible. I fill up my ice water and I fill up my hot water bottle. I light a candle and I bring my laptop upstairs to do some work. And then eventually I read. It really is my happy place. Even the extra work has been sort of cozy. And I am always thinking of ways to level up this experience. And one way is by wearing my Cozy Earth bamboo pajamas.

[A]

So these are a classic Cozy Earth favorite and a total sleepwear upgrade. They're lightweight, but they're still cozy. And they help you fall asleep faster and stay comfortable longer. They're designed to drape beautifully and sleep cooler than cotton. These pajamas keep your temperature just right. And I also appreciate that they come in all of the different permutations of pant length and sleeve length. So I like to do short sleeve top, pant bottom, but if you have a different permutation, you could do shorts on the bottom, long sleeve top. You have options.

[B]

Get wild. Share a little extra love this February and wrap yourself or someone you care about in comfort that truly feels special. Head to cozyearth.com and use our code BOP for up to 20% off. And if you get a post purchase survey, be sure to mention you heard about Cozy Earth right here. All right, tell us the title of your chosen erotica.

[A]

Okay, I'm gonna tell you, but don't look it up yet because I want you to guess what it's about. Okay, so I have brought today a book called Cold Sweat by repeat offender Vera Valentine, who also wrote Unhinged the Door Romance, Cold Sweat. Cold Sweat.

[B]

And it's about a beverage.

[A]

Uh huh. It is in fact an erotic novel about the Kool Aid Man. However, for legal reasons, she cannot say Kool Aid. So he is a chill assist beverage.

[B]

A chill assist beverage. Okay, I'm excited.

[A]

He's chill.

[B]

I'm excited. If we've learned anything. If I've learned anything, it's that only women should be writing weird erotica. Okay, describe the COVID to me. I haven't looked it up, so paint me a picture.

[A]

Okay, so the COVID has cartoon woman wrapped in a towel who has this expression on her face as if Oprah has just told her, and you get a car. She looks delighted. And then facing her away from the viewer is a glass pitcher of Kool Aid, wearing tropical short, like, bathing suit bottoms with some very globular butt cheeks that are kind of peeking out the top of it.

[B]

Is he facing away?

[A]

Yeah, he's facing away. He's facing her.

[B]

I'm already scared about what's happening underneath the Hawaiian shorts, but we'll find out.

[A]

You sure will.

[B]

What's the average rating of this book on Goodreads, and does it have a lot of reviews? Is it popular?

[A]

This is shockingly popular to the point where I have questions about humanity. I. I just have questions that. There are so many of these books I'm learning, and some of them do have a lot of ratings and reviews. Okay, so on Amazon, it has a 3.8 rating with 1083 reviews.

[B]

Wow. Okay. How long is this?

[A]

Like, 50 pages.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

On Goodreads, it has a 3.4 rating with 2708 ratings. Oh, my God.

[B]

Okay. All right. Interesting. Take me on this journey.

[A]

Okay, I think in order to start, I should read you the author's note up front. Okay.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay. So it starts with an author's note that says, cold sweat is exactly what it says on the tin. I can't stress this enough, y'.

[B]

All.

[A]

They're step siblings. He's a sentient pitcher of punch. None of that changes throughout the story, so please don't start reading this and go said in disgust. Omg. They're step siblings, and he's a sentient pitcher of punch, like you were warned. I don't know what to tell you. And just to head this off at the pass, don't send me your therapy bills. Nobody made you read this. And here's. Here's what is extra disturbing, she said. And really, really, really don't send me videos of you reenacting anything here. I wish I didn't have to say that, but the success of Unhinged the Door Romance that Olivia did a few years ago has forced me to create some new baffling boundaries. Also, don't reenact anything in here. This is fiction. Don't punch up your Georgia o'. Keeffe. Thanks.

[B]

How have we not ever thought that people would do that? That they would do the things and then send videos?

[A]

Because people are sending videos is just such an overstep.

[B]

Oh, disturbing. But like, men already just send dick pics into the void because they're like, this seems like a good idea. So I don't mean not all men, but I'm just saying I know that there is some dude out there that thought, this will be exciting for my Thursday evening. Like I'm gonna. Oh, poor woman.

[A]

Okay, it does have some trigger warnings here that I would like to read you as well before I tell you about the story because I thought these were so funny. They start off as normal and they get funny. Okay, so please note, this story contains step siblings. Getting it on parentheses. They met as adults and have only been connected that way for a few years. A lot of glass rod insertion. A lot of punch in places it doesn't usually go. Discussions of anime, forced proximity. Oh no, step bro. We're stuck in a sauna overhearing parents getting it on. Mention of parents imbibing alcohol off page. Drunken sex with a pallet of drink mix unenrolling from college. Sucralose red dye number 40.

[B]

Okay, is that the end? It just ends with red dye and.

[A]

Then it says if you have any questions or concerns to email her.

[B]

I like how it's like glass rod insertion, dropping out of college.

[A]

Yeah, these are on different levels. So this book is about a woman whose name I have already forgotten.

[B]

Really a side detail.

[A]

I screened so many for this that I want to say it's Aubrey, but I think that was a different one I read.

[B]

Anyway, what's the name of the Juiceman?

[A]

Red.

[B]

Of course. Of course.

[A]

So it is about a college age woman who is home for holiday break and she's struggling at college. She's not really enjoying it and her mom has gotten very happily remarried to a Burley beverage distributor by the name of Dan is the description he gets. And Dan has this son, Red. And I do appreciate about this book after having heard you describe yours. They really did answer every question I had. I she really extra mile to be like, well how does that work?

[B]

So that's why I love her. I mean unhinged is pinnacle.

[A]

So anyway, she hates her stepbrother. He's kind of a creep. He's like ogling her. He's Watching smutty anime in the living room. She doesn't.

[B]

She's already a glass pitcher. Or he's always.

[A]

He's always a glass pitcher of punch.

[B]

Okay. I just want. I didn't know if there was like a transformation. Okay, got it.

[A]

He was born a glass pitcher of punch, which is explained. And he. He stays a glass pitcher of punch throughout. His description is as follows. Unless it was snowing, he rocked the same cut off blue jeans, the same white sneakers, the same fluttering Hawaiian button up over his smooth, rounded stomach every day. On anyone else, it'd look ridiculous. But somehow Red's nuclear level confidence made the garish outfit make sense.

[B]

Does he have a face within the glass? Is it in the liquid?

[A]

Yeah, he has a face.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

On the picture.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Also, it was one of his rare days off from his under the table demolition job.

[B]

Right. It seems a strange choice when you're made of glass.

[A]

No? The Kool Aid man bust through walls. I thought that was so funny.

[B]

I didn't know that. I. I was questioning why one would do that when made of glass, but. Silly me, stupid question.

[A]

Oh. Her name is Jules. Okay. So she's at home and their parents have gone out to dinner. And it's really cold in their house because the stepdad has installed a new heating system or something and they don't know how to work it. And so Red suggests that his dad has just bought her mom a sauna and she could go out and use the sauna. And so they go to use the sauna together and a tree freak falls on it and locks them in the sauna. And then she's really stressed and scared, so he starts giving her a shoulder massage to relax her. And then also, it's hot in the sauna. And so he offers if she wants to drink some of his punch because he puts ice cubes in it. And so he's still cool if she needs a beverage. And then they get to talking and, you know, she asks about how his anatomy works as a pitcher of punch, because I think he's quite unique in this world. And she has questions and then he's like, well, do you want to see it? And then they start doing it.

[B]

Okay. What is he working with?

[A]

It's like, it seems like just a glass dildo kind of.

[B]

Right, of course.

[A]

Oh, let me first tell you how he was conceived. So she goes on to say he cleared his throat, spinning slowly so as not to splash himself on the beige Berber carpeting. The entire house was practically an obstacle course for him. A giant Sentient glass pitcher of cherry chilicist punch. Red was the result of Dan's torrid affair with a pallet of the drink powder at a drunken office Christmas party many years ago. Life hadn't been easy for my stepbrother, but I had to begrudgingly admit he carried himself well, despite his unusual parentage. He hadn't so much as stained a throw pillow since he's moved in. And he always smelled amazing, like sweet, juicy fruit.

[B]

Oh, we know where that's going.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Okay. We've learned.

[A]

Also, I highlighted this item when he's like, I've always been attracted to you. And she's like, who me? And he's like, I'm a man that happens to be a glass pitcher of liquid, not blind. You're gorgeous. I thought the acknowledgement that he was a giant pitcher of punch the entire time was like, very funny.

[B]

Know thyself.

[A]

And you used to maximize the way to do it.

[B]

But you.

[A]

You asked the question about what his dick is like. Here is her seeing it. She says. I stifled a gasp at the beauty of it as it cleared the fabric. A clear glass shaft with a simple bulbed head, all surrounding a thick internal column of the red cherry punch that filled Red's body. The punch surged in and out of the closed end tube and colorful eddies, making it jump and pulse in my palm as I stroked. I don't need to keep reading that.

[B]

No, no, you're good. I'm. I get. I. A picture has been painted. Thank you.

[A]

Also, the rim of his picture is an erogenous zone.

[B]

What about, like, this is so strange. I feel this is a very inappropriate question. Can she, like, swim in the punch? Like, could she climb over his rim and dive inside his body?

[A]

Theoretically, I think on a size scale, level, she probably couldn't fit in it. But there is a discussion, which I also really appreciated, where she's like, is what's inside your cum or your blood?

[B]

Oh, God.

[A]

And it.

[B]

That's not the question I had.

[A]

Well, she had it.

[B]

Someone did.

[A]

She drinks his punch, and she's like, am I drinking your. What am I drinking? And it is clarified that it's neither or it's both. It's kind of just his life force. And that one time when he was a child, he did fall and spill out all of his liquid, and it's uncomfortable, but he can still survive. Okay, do you want to know what he calls her when he dirty talks?

[B]

Yes. No.

[A]

Calls her my good little cup.

[B]

Oh, Jesus. No.

[A]

No, no. Also, she kind of Spins out after they first have sex because she's like, I'm gonna get the world's worst uti. And he says, Red laughed loudly, sending his inner punch now noticeably a few inches lower, sloshing around his wide grin. Jules, Jules, relax. I'm sugar free. You're fine, I promise.

[B]

Oh, my God. Okay, I was gonna ask you what made you choose this one, but, like, it's kind of obvious to me. I feel like we should only do her books, actually.

[A]

It was just so ridiculous. I screened a bunch of other ones that I was waiting for this, like, funny factor to come in, and they were taking it so seriously. Like, a lot of them are mafia romances for some reason, which I'm like, why do you need to add that in? So one was a mafia romance where the daughter of a mob boss was promised to the head of a rival mafia group, who was a rhinoceros.

[B]

Again, there was me with the bestiality. Must I say that louder?

[A]

There was another mafia romance with a yeti.

[B]

That's fine.

[A]

Then I read and almost chose a train romance. She gets a model train set that then becomes three men.

[B]

Oh, yes, you send that railed.

[A]

But railed. Yeah, but it felt too similar to, you know, the eggman and the elf one where it was like, yes, I've read this before. You're like, a random object, and then there's a man trapped inside of it via a curse. I was like, I've been here.

[B]

I feel like I need to do more research next time because I thought, like, oh, I'll choose, you know, a queer romance, and I'll do this lesbian story. And I'm sure there is some weird erotica that is focused on two women, that it's better out there, you know, but one would assume that you need, like, a weird phallic object to make these weird eroticas work. And I just object to that. I object. But as we know, the actual phallus and what's inside of it tends to be a pretty big factor.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a wide array of these, and I was surprised how many of them had over a thousand ratings. Like, I wonder if they're going viral on TikTok. And then people are downloading them because they're on Kindle Unlimited, so it's free. If you have a subscription to. Then, like, laugh about it.

[B]

I think people read them to hit their reading goals.

[A]

Oh, maybe this one had. I mean, the reviews are 3.8 on Amazon, but the reviews were generally very positive.

[B]

And, like, yeah, what are Some of your favorites.

[A]

I just did a lot of the headlines. It seemed like people were trying to, like, one up each other with puns. So one headline was, another glass, please. Another person said, quench my thirst for weird smut. That's for sure. One said, a delicious treat. Five stars. This person said, vera Valentine, I hope you never stop writing. I always have such a fun time with her books. And this one was no exception. Love these sugar free lovebirds. Or another one. This one seems earnest too. It said, this delivers. And it was five stars. And it said, this book is better than most books I've read in the romance genre to date. It does exceptionally well at what is presented here. I'm a new fan.

[B]

Wow. Okay.

[A]

Like, it seemed like those two were reading it pretty earnestly.

[B]

I mean, when you compare the spectrum of these kinds of stories as we have now, pretty extensively. I mean, I think that she's doing the best, so she has fans for a reason.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Did you have a. A memorable passage you wanted to share? I mean, you've already shared a lot, but if there's any that you didn't get to that you just want to highlight.

[A]

No, I think I got a lot of the highlights that you need here.

[B]

Yeah, there were a lot I thought ended strangely. So it's hard to really wrap it up.

[A]

Yeah, it's really hard to wrap up. So they have sex, and he's like, do you regret doing that? And she's like, no. And in her head, she's thinking about how she, like, has feelings for him. And then they go inside and she's taking a shower because she's covered in punch. And he comes in, and then they have this discussion where they decide that she's gonna drop out of college and then they're gonna move in together. And I'm like, I don't know that I really needed.

[B]

How do their parents feel about this?

[A]

Their parents are out to dinner the entire. The entire book.

[B]

Got it, got it, got it.

[A]

We don't know.

[B]

So not a satisfying ending.

[A]

Maybe it was just, like, too earnest where I was like, this whole thing is about a glass pitcher of punch having sex with his stepsister. And, like, I don't know that I needed a happily ever after or for, like, me to feel like there was longevity in this pairing.

[B]

I get that. I get that. How many chili peppers would you give this? Okay.

[A]

I would only give it two. There's a lot of lead up to the sex. There's, like, one main sex scene. And because of the logistics of he's never a human man. He's always a glass pitcher. It was not incredibly sexy. It was more logistically oriented. And personally, I was worried because he doesn't have a lid. So I don't really feel like he had a lot of positions he could work with without spilling.

[B]

That's true. That's true. That's why I was wondering if she could just dive inside.

[A]

Oh, he does say. He does say. Oh, yeah. When he comes.

[B]

Oh, dear Lord. Well, what would you want to see in a sequel?

[A]

Okay, I've thought about this more than I should have, and I feel like the thing that was missing from this Kool Aid man romance was he didn't break through any walls.

[B]

I thought you meant metaphorically for a second.

[A]

No, it is implied that he does that for a job, but we never saw it. So I think there's really two ways to achieve that. I think one is she gets kidnapped and then he has to find her and, you know, he has to break through a wall. The other is that I think, you know, maybe they are too young and their romance doesn't actually make it. It's just a happily for now, not a happily ever after. And, you know, at some later point, she's with somebody else and he breaks into their home and is like, here I am. So, yeah, I'd like to see more breaking down walls.

[B]

Literally.

[A]

Literally. Literally.

[B]

Well, I agree that was much less disturbing than the. The egg. The egg of it all. So thank you for that.

[A]

Yeah, it was like the funniness to me in this was the logistics and the world setup that he was a pitcher of punch versus graphic.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Sexual things he could do with being a giant pitcher of punch.

[B]

Of course. Oh, well, that was a delight. Thank you.

[A]

And now a word from our sponsors.

[B]

Never an easy way to transition. Now a word from our sponsors. This episode is sponsored by ritual. I was just telling Jake the other day that I feel more focused and committed to my habits than I have in years. I feel really on top of taking care of myself and the house and my work in a way that feels really, really intentional and not chaotic at all. I even take my vitamins regularly now, which is new. I haven't done that for a while. And as someone with low vitamin D levels, this is really important. And I've been taking rituals essential for women 18 plus every day. I even have a cute little vitamin case now, which is fun.

[A]

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[B]

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[A]

Into some n matter what are you obsessed with?

[B]

I am obsessed with my Bombas gripper slippers or slipper grippers, I can't remember which.

[A]

My friend Molly has these and loves them. She travels with them.

[B]

Yes, they are so good. I have two pairs. I got a second pair as a gift for this Christmas. They are just so comfortable, so warm. They have rubber on the bottoms, which is just awesome for walking around on slippery old floors. And the quality is awesome. I think the best part is that you can wash them though. So unlike other slippers, stay clean. And I've also traveled with them. They're just the coziest, best things ever. They're worth every single penny. I'm wearing them right now and so I had to point them out. I got the ones with like, they go to the ankle and they have little bows. I think they're really cute.

[A]

I've become a slipper person more recently, so I might have to check these out.

[B]

It's been so cold. It's like, I know, freezing, freezing, freezing. Well, what are you obsessed with?

[A]

I'm obsessed with sour pear bubs.

[B]

So what is a bub?

[A]

I know, same, same. So I was saying that Grace and I went to this dinner hosted by Bonbon, my favorite Swedish candy company, and we were sitting across from somebody who worked for the brand and she was telling us that afterwards we were going to go to the store to fill bags of candy to take with us. And she was like, and we have all of the bubs in stock and Grace and I literally looked at her and we were like, what's a bub? And apparently this is the thing that they're most known for, but I never had it. And it's kind of a cross between a marshmallow candy but also Sour or some of them are sour. I think that's interesting. It's very interesting. Texturally, it's different than like a sour patch kid. I don't know what to compare it to. An American candy parlance.

[B]

I just looked it up and it looks like it has the texture of a gummy candy that I would enjoy.

[A]

Okay, I can bring you.

[B]

And it's like that. It's almost like a. It's fruit snack adjacent. You know, it looks like that anyway, kind of.

[A]

But it's got a kind of marshmallow texture to it.

[B]

Okay. It's like light and fluffy.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Fascinating. And how sour are they? Because I know you like really sour things.

[A]

These ones are quite sour, but not as sour as the most sour things. And so she sampled us kind of a bunch of different bubs. And the sour pear ones were by far my favorite. I feel like pear is a rare flavor, but I really like it.

[B]

I agree. Especially in candy.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

Well, what have you read?

[A]

I have not finished anything. It's only been three days since we last recorded and I read most of something, but I didn't finish it. So I will talk about it next week. What about you?

[B]

I'm with you. I haven't finished anything.

[A]

Just a lot of weird erotica.

[B]

Just.

[A]

Just half of a lot of weird eroticas.

[B]

Yes, I finished this. Yep.

[A]

Well, this seems like a great time then to tell the listeners about our February book club pick, which is your book Little one.

[B]

Yes. Our February book club pick is my book Little One, which is out on February 3rd. And this is about a woman named Catherine. It's a dual timeline story. We see her childhood and where she grew up in this really extreme cult like community in Florida. And then we see her as an independent adult and we begin to learn how she left that cult through a journalist who is investigating the place where she grew up.

[A]

So join us the last February of the month for a spoiler filled discussion about that. I'm so excited to ask you all of my burning questions. And in the meantime, if you would like to talk to us about your macaroni lover slash lawyer, or fantasies you've had about the Kool Aid man or the weirdest book that you've ever read. We have our Facebook group under batonpaper podcast. We have our BFF group, which is like a chat room app formerly known as the Geneva Group, also under Bat on Paper podcast. We're on Instagram atonpaperpodcast. I am on Instagram ecamfreeman and my newsletter [e-mail] and I am on Instagram.

[B]

And substack liviamentor and you can order my book, little one, right now.

[A]

It's out and we'll see you next week.

[B]

Bye Bye.