Obscure Erotica: Ho-Ho-Holiday Edition

Summary

Bad On Paper Podcast Episode Summary

Title: Obscure Erotica: Ho-Ho-Holiday Edition
Hosts: Becca Freeman & Olivia Muenter
Release Date: December 4, 2024

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Introduction to the Holiday Edition

In the Obscure Erotica: Ho-Ho-Holiday Edition episode of the Bad On Paper podcast, hosts Becca Freeman and Olivia Muenter delve into the quirky and unconventional world of holiday-themed erotica. Becca initiated the episode as a unique Christmas gift for their listeners, aiming to entertain with the strangest erotica available on Kindle Unlimited. The hosts set the tone by warning listeners of the explicit and X-rated nature of the content, ensuring that the episode caters to an adult audience seeking something beyond the typical romantic fare.

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Personal Updates: Highs and Lows

Before diving into the erotica discussions, both hosts shared personal updates:

• Olivia's High: Olivia recounted a relaxing Thanksgiving spent with family in Charleston, enjoying her father's cooking, seeing her brother, and attending a show of Wicked. She expressed feeling refreshed and optimistic about the upcoming year ([00:35] – [02:23]).

• Becca's High: Becca highlighted hosting a successful Friendsgiving dinner party, where her cooking, especially the stuffing, received praise. She expressed enthusiasm about making it an annual tradition ([02:55] – [04:34]).

• Olivia's Low: Olivia joked about her cluttered home post-Christmas decorations, mentioning the pine needles from their real Christmas tree and ongoing furniture reupholstering projects ([05:15] – [06:20]).

• Becca's Low: Becca discussed the anxiety surrounding the submission of her new book draft, grappling with imposter syndrome and the pressure of finalizing a project that spans two years ([06:29] – [07:56]).

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Exploring Holiday-Themed Erotica

Becca and Olivia embarked on their exploration of holiday-themed erotica, primarily focusing on titles available through Kindle Unlimited. Their objective was to spotlight the most bizarre and unconventional erotica that aligns with various holiday themes.

Spotlight Book: "Santa Claus is Going to Town on Me" by ML Eliza

The centerpiece of their discussion was "Santa Claus is Going to Town on Me," a novella by ML Eliza that epitomizes the peculiar blend of holiday magic and explicit erotica.

• Plot Overview: The story revolves around Holly, a woman who despises Christmas. On Christmas Eve, amidst a burglary scare at her home, she encounters Santa Claus, portrayed not as the jolly figure of tradition but as an ageless, shapeshifting alien-like entity named Klaus. Their immediate and intense physical attraction leads to a series of explicit encounters, with Santa possessing extraordinary abilities, such as altering his size and generating snow during intimate moments ([15:19] – [31:10]).

• Character Analysis:

  • Holly: Depicted as a cynical and sexually frustrated individual who unexpectedly becomes involved with the mythical Santa.
  • Klaus (Santa Claus): An otherworldly being with shapeshifting powers, described with non-human features like shimmering silver pubic hair, elongated ears, and the ability to grow multiple arms and tongues during sexual encounters ([14:47] – [16:03]).

• Notable Quotes:

  • “I've always hated Christmas, but this year will be different because this year I'm going to fuck Santa Claus.” ([24:30] – [25:05])
  • “If I'm doing this, I might as well go all the way. It isn't enough that I'm standing in my underwear on Santa's sleigh. I want it all.” ([25:05] – [25:29])
  • “Because, darling, much like Christmas, I only come once a year.” ([54:33] – [54:34])

• Reception and Ratings: The book garnered mixed reviews, reflecting its polarizing nature. On Amazon, it holds a 4.1 rating with approximately 500 reviews, while on Goodreads, it has a 3.33 rating from 1,988 reviews. Feedback ranges from appreciation of its creativity and writing style to criticism over its excessive and unconventional explicit content ([41:24] – [43:58]).

• Spiciness Scale: Both hosts rated the book a four on their spiciness scale, acknowledging its graphic and unconventional sexual content without venturing into entirely new sexual territories ([28:13] – [28:16]).

• Series Continuation: The book is part of a series titled "Holly Gets," with subsequent installments planned around different holidays, including Holly Got Corked (New Year's Eve), Crushed (Valentine's Day), and others slated for St. Patrick's Day and April Fool's Day ([58:45] – [59:30]).

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Comparative Analysis: Other Holiday Erotica Titles

Beyond Eliza's work, the hosts briefly touched upon other holiday-themed erotica, noting the existence of various subgenres such as monster erotica and inanimate object romances. Examples include:

• Elfed by Ginger Cain Kane: Features a sex-crazed elf trapped in a dildo, requiring an incantation to be released.
• Tinsel and Tentacles: Combines holiday themes with tentacle eroticism.
• Abraham Lincoln's Sex God of the Moon: Historical fiction intertwined with erotic elements.
• Conquered by Clippy: Incorporates the unlikely figure of Clippy, the Microsoft Office assistant, into an erotic narrative.

Becca expressed an interest in potentially creating her own holiday erotica, contemplating it as a viable side hustle due to the creativity and uniqueness observed in these works ([32:12] – [33:00]).

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Insights and Conclusions

Becca and Olivia highlighted the surprising depth and variety within the niche of holiday-themed erotica. They discussed how these works blend traditional holiday elements with explicit content, often taking bold creative liberties that can both entertain and alienate readers. The hosts acknowledged the existence of a dedicated, albeit varied, readership that appreciates the unconventional narratives, despite the genre's polarizing reception.

Olivia noted a shift in her perception of holiday symbols, such as candy canes and doors, now interwoven with sexual connotations due to their exploration of erotica. This blend of the familiar and the explicit underscores the unique position of holiday erotica within the broader literary landscape.

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Final Thoughts

Wrapping up the episode, Becca and Olivia reflected on the experience of navigating through bizarre and explicit holiday-themed stories. They encouraged listeners to explore these unconventional narratives if intrigued by erotica's expansive possibilities. The hosts also shared personal musings on their reading habits and interests, including Olivia's newfound obsession with Antiques Roadshow and Becca's creative ventures in designing custom merchandise.

As they prepared to take a three-week hiatus, they teased their upcoming episode on the best books of the year, promising to continue engaging discussions upon their return on January 8th.

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps:

• Olivia at [24:30]: “I've always hated Christmas, but this year will be different because this year I'm going to fuck Santa Claus.”
• Becca at [54:33]: “Because, darling, much like Christmas, I only come once a year.”
• Reviewer Peter at [42:14]: “If you can get over the traditional looking Santa going to pound town, then this is the book for you.”

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Conclusion The Obscure Erotica: Ho-Ho-Holiday Edition episode offered a deep dive into the unconventional and often shocking world of holiday-themed erotica. Through detailed analyses and candid discussions, Becca Freeman and Olivia Muenter provided listeners with a comprehensive look at how traditional holiday motifs can be transformed into explicit narratives, challenging both creators and readers to push the boundaries of genre storytelling.

Transcript

[A]

Hi, everyone, and welcome to Bad on Paper Podcast. I'm Olivia Mentor.

[B]

And I'm Becca Freeman.

[A]

And welcome to Obscure Erotica Holiday Edition. This was Becca's idea. Will you give us a little bit of background on your choice? I'm on board. Fully. For the record.

[B]

Yeah. I didn't know what to get our listeners for Christmas, so I decided that a weird episode was our gift.

[A]

I think it's time for one.

[B]

Yeah, we usually do this. We've done this twice. We usually do it for Valentine's Day. The first time we did it, I would say it was maybe our most poor, polarizing episode where some people absolutely loved it and some people absolutely hated it. I fall on the love side. I think it's hilarious. So we have dug up the weirdest holiday themed erotica that Kindle Unlimited has to offer, and we are here to present it to you in book report form. Just a warning, if there are small ears around, there shouldn't be.

[A]

Yes. This will be explicit. Just to be clear, it's not like the occasional F bomb. Like, this will be X rated. So heads up.

[B]

In a weird way.

[A]

In a fun way.

[B]

In a fun way. Well, before we get to our gifts, what is your high?

[A]

My high is that I took last week off and Jake and I went to see my parents in Charleston. My brother was there, so we had Thanksgiving. My dad made lots of food. He's a really good cook. And then, you know, just hung out. We went to see Wicked, went out to dinner. Just really very chilled, very relaxed. I fully took off. I like, barely replied to texts. I didn't send emails. I was just like, out of the world. And it was great. And I haven't really done that in a bit, so it was just. It was a really nice week.

[B]

Good. Are you coming back feeling refreshed?

[A]

I feel good. Yeah. I feel really good about. I'm already getting excited about the new year.

[B]

Yeah. This is the feeling that I hope to have after Christmas break.

[A]

Yes. Yeah. Well, you're on a deadline now, so I'm sure you're like, just the end is in sight. But yeah, I was just reading my five year journal and like, on this day last year I was like, this year has been so hard. And I feel like I can fully appreciate now that we've hit December, that this year has just been so, so much better than last year. And I feel like I was finally able to relax and let things settle a bit. So I'm just really, like, appreciating that feeling and feeling even that much better going into 20, 25, so.

[B]

Oh, I'm so glad for you, but what's your high? My high was a week and a half ago, but I'm still buzzing from it. It was my friends giving that I threw. I had seven people over for a dinner party and it was so fun. There are also some people who are meeting for the first time. So I was really happy that the group gelled. But mostly I was really happy how much everyone enjoyed my cooking, especially the stuffing, which I take a lot of pride in. It was great. It was so fun. I did this last year on a smaller scale and I really want to make it a tradition and I don't know, maybe next year I'll do it even bigger. Although I can't fit more than eight people at my table, I don't think.

[A]

Well, I really enjoyed your post on Substack recapping it. You did like a weekend in the life. It was just very satisfying to read and it looked really lovely and I'm glad that it went well, exactly like you wanted it to go.

[B]

It was the best. It was the best. It was so lovely. And it wasn't even that stressful. There was nothing that I was making that I hadn't cooked before. So I felt really confident. I started prepping maybe at like 2:00pm the day of, for people getting there at 6:30. Like, it wasn't even a huge undertaking.

[A]

Other than the stuffing, obviously. What was like the hit dish either. I don't know if people brought stuff as well or you cooked everything, but just across the board.

[B]

Well, people brought appetizers and dessert and then I cooked the main course. I mean, there were gorgonzilla mashed potatoes that people liked a lot, which are really good. My friend Jenna made stuffed mushrooms, which I don't even really consider myself a mushroom person. And they were really, really good.

[A]

Good stuffed mushroom is just. You're always like, I don't think it's going to be that good. But it is. Like, when it's right, it's just. It really hits the spot.

[B]

It was great.

[A]

That sounds delicious.

[B]

My friend Lydia made pickle dip, which I'd never heard of before, and it was just kind of like very dill dip. And it had some pickle juice and chopped cucumbers in it too.

[A]

Oh, my gosh.

[B]

It was great.

[A]

Oh, I love. I made a. Like a. It's like onion dip, basically, except pickles, right?

[B]

Kind of. It doesn't have that. I don't know what flavor. Onion. I don't know.

[A]

It's like sour cream and pickles. Anyway. Yeah, I've had it before or something like it, and it was very good. But I would probably eat a pickle on basically any form, so I'm biased, I guess.

[B]

Same. What about on the low side?

[A]

I don't really have a low. I guess my house is currently in a state of absolute disarray. Okay, I guess that could be the low. We'll go with that. I forgot how long it takes to decorate for Christmas. And we got a tree. We cut it down yesterday, which was very fun. But there are pine needles everywhere now.

[B]

The pine needles.

[A]

I. Yeah, I. I forgot about that. It's been a long time since I had a real tree, so. And I have really big gaps between my floorboards, so I guess it's just like my house is just going to be filled with pine needles forever. It's okay. I also have multiple couches and chairs because I'm in the process of getting these two giant couches reupholstered. So I just like my living room looks like a thrift store, which I guess it always does, honestly.

[B]

Like, that's your. That's your happy place.

[A]

Yes. I am ready for a more cohesive vibe in there in like the TV room. But that's okay. A little chaos never hurt anyone. I am a lot better at just living within the chaos than I was last year. So again, I'm gonna take that as a win.

[B]

But yeah, for sure. You seem very chill about that.

[A]

I would like things to be tidier. I have gotten a lot better. I've come a long way, but I think I'm going to tidy and clean tonight so I'll feel better. But what is your low?

[B]

My low is that I am handing in this new draft of my book next week. So I'm in the home stretch, which is exciting, but it does mean that my anxiety and imposter syndrome and hours working are at kind of like an all time high high. Like I'm on a no days off. I took off Thanksgiving and the day after I went down to Pennsylvania just for like one day. So I was traveling and then, yeah, I'm on no days off until I turn this in.

[A]

How are you feeling? Are you just kind of in that, like all you can focus on is being done stage. Are you, like, happy? Are you relieved? Are you scared?

[B]

I'm definitely beating myself up a lot because I want it to feel like a final draft. I feel like I've been working on it for two years. It should feel like a final draft and It. It doesn't feel like a final draft. It's changed a lot and I think hopefully for the better. It's definitely addressed a lot of the notes that my editor gave me, I think. And there's pockets. Like every day I kind of stumble on something. Like today I got to this section that I totally forgotten that I'd written when I did my first pass of this draft a couple months ago, and I was so delighted by it. So there's moments where it feels really great and I'm like, oh, look what I did. But there's others where I'm like, ugh, this isn't working. And it just feels like I'm stewing in that.

[A]

Yeah, well, I am glad that you're able to have those moments and recognize them and appreciate them, because I feel like that is really hard sometimes. And I think we've both talked to each other and have moments where we're like, I see nothing good.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So that feels positive. But I get it. It's very hard.

[B]

Yeah. I was looking at my five year journal before we got on here, and it's so funny that I feel like almost in exactly the same place as I felt last year with it. And as somebody who really likes momentum, that's really tough. I am really excited to turn it in. I'm excited to get perspective from other people. I'm excited to get a break. Yeah, I've learned a lot this draft. I feel like after I turn this in, maybe I'll try to do a substack post with some thoughts. I don't know that I have any tangible learnings. I can't really teach you how to do anything but what I've learned for myself.

[A]

Yeah, I mean, I would love to read that. I think you should be really proud of yourself, though. I know that's kind of hard in the moment, but I mean, the thing of it, like, just taking the time that it takes, I think is the hardest thing to, like, really process because it seems so simple and you're like, of course. Like, it's just gonna take how long it takes, which will be the exact time frame that I put on it. And then it just doesn't work out that way. It's frustrating. So I get it. But I hope you are feeling at least a little proud.

[B]

I am. This is the biggest edit I've ever done, and just to get through it, I feel like is its own accomplishment.

[A]

Definitely 100%.

[B]

All right, enough about us, more about weird smut. Let's take an ad break and then get into it.

[A]

This episode is sponsored by Book of the Month. Like I said, I just got home from visiting my parents for Thanksgiving and I was very excited about getting home decorating for Christmas and getting back into my reading routine. And more specifically to read Beautiful Ugly by Alice Feeney, which was one of my December Book of the Month picks. From the very first pages of this book, I knew that it was going to be exactly what I was in the mood for. It has a mysterious disappearance, it has a publishing plotline, it has a writing cottage set in the Scottish Highlands. I mean, it is pretty much my perfect book. I started it this morning and all I wanted to do was keep reading. And I am so excited to go back to it tonight.

[B]

So I got the Most Wonderful Crime of the Year by Ally Carter as my December pick. And this is a holiday romantic whodunit, I would say. Like it's compared to the movie Knives out, so it sounds very, very fun. It's about two writers who get invited to this holiday party and in the middle of the party their host goes missing and they're unsure if it's a test, if they're in danger, if the other one did it. And there's also something romantic brewing. So I'm very excited. I love a holiday book, but I think I've maybe OD'd a little bit on like the straight up sweet holiday romances, so this one feels totally different and I'm very excited to read it over Christmas.

[A]

I also picked this one and I'm really looking forward to it as well. In general, I like to be surrounded by just as many different types of books as possible at all times because I am such a mood reader and I can just never predict exactly what I want to read. But having Book of the Month means that I always have hand picked thoughtfully curated titles to add to my library each month and I never ever run out of options.

[B]

If you're new to Book of the Month, we have an amazing deal for you. You can get your first book on Book of the month for $5 with code T. That's a brand new hardcover book for just $5 with the code Tinsel T I N S E L and one more very important thing, make sure to select Bad on paper on the survey after enrolling so the brand knows that we sent you.

[A]

This episode is sponsored by Cozy Earth. In case you needed one more reminder, Christmas is officially three weeks away. I am feeling personally very proud of myself right now because I just did all of my holiday shopping for Loved Ones last week and including choosing some amazing items from Cozy Earth. I won't share more about exactly what I got and who I shop for just yet in case they listen to this episode, but I really think that they're going to love what I picked out. And by the way, I paid for all of these gifts myself. I picked them out. I trusted that the people I was shopping for would love them because I love Cozy Earth myself.

[B]

So as we have been discussing lately, I am the self appointed number one fan of Cozy Earth's Cuddle blanket. I have gotten so many friends to buy it and unfortunately it has only arrived for two of them, but both of them agree it is excellent. When I hosted Friendsgiving after we finished dinner, everyone was like, okay, now can we lay under the blanket? Very safe to say it has a lot of new fans. First of all, it's the softest blanket. It's faux fur on both sides. It's so soft. But it's also, I weighed the blanket, it's £13. And so it's not quite a full on weighted blanket, which I think is usually around 20, but it has this like very comforting, relaxing, like deep exhale feel to it.

[A]

I agree. I laid under it last night and watched the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, which is a very snowy, cold movie and the vibes were just excellent across the board. Cozy Earth's whole goal as a company is to help you create a sanctuary within your home, a refuge from the demands of the outside world. They understand the significance of finding comfort and tranquility in the midst of our hectic lives.

[B]

If you want to get your own Cozy Earth pajamas or Cuddle blanket or some great new loungewear in time for Christmas. Order by December 13th for free shipping. And if you miss the December 13th deadline, you can still get expedited shipping until December 20th to ensure it arrives on time. Don't wait. Go to cozyearth.com batonpaper to enjoy. 40% off with the code BOP. That's 40% off site wide with code BOP. And after placing your order, select Podcast in the survey and then select Bat on Paper in the dropdown menu that follows so that they know that I'm doing my job as the number one Cuddle Blanket fan. All right, Olivia, who goes first? Is the question like, do we rock, paper, scissors? How do we decide this? I think you should go first. Like, I feel like mine might be too far and I, I'm like, will people stop listening?

[A]

I think that's the right call. Mine is, it's like as on the line between tame and weird as you can get.

[B]

Okay. Okay.

[A]

So it's not going to horrify you if you're a little more, I don't know, modest? I'm not sure.

[B]

Well, I did a.

[A]

This would be the intro, the build.

[B]

Up to yours of research for this. So I'm wondering if I came across yours in my research. Tell us what you've brought for us.

[A]

I think you must have. I think so. And I also, I have to tell you, you gave me one hint about yours, and I read two books in preparation for this, one of which was 6,000 words, so it's really. It's very short. And both of them had the thing in common that you hinted towards.

[B]

Stop it.

[A]

And I thought to myself that his.

[B]

Jizz tasted like vanilla icing.

[A]

Well, both had a flavor and a scent that was like Christmas. Christmasy. So the first one was actually a little too dark for me and I'm kind of wondering if that's the one you chose.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Okay. But this one, okay. The one I landed on, it is called Santa Claus is Going to Town on Me by ML Eliza.

[B]

The title on the way. Book number one on the field.

[A]

It's very straightforward. You know exactly what you're getting.

[B]

I have a fear. Is Santa the romantic lead here?

[A]

Yes. Yes.

[B]

Oh, God.

[A]

Yeah. It's both exactly what you're imagining and also beyond your wildest dreams.

[B]

Okay. Wow.

[A]

And also, look, there is a certain coziness about it. I'm just gonna put it out there. It's like truly kind of like a sci fi Hallmark movie that is also porn.

[B]

Yep. Mm. Yeah. I did try one where Santa was the romantic lead called Santa's Package, and it was too much for me.

[A]

I have to say, I was blown away by the amount of holiday erotica available. It is far beyond what I could have prepared for.

[B]

Well, what shocked me, I got like, very deep into this. Like, I was 18 pages back on holiday erotica, like, trying to find the weirdest ones. There's a lot of holiday monster erotica.

[A]

Yes, that's the first one I read.

[B]

I didn't know what monster erotica was like. I had to look it up. Like I wasn't sure exactly what it is. And it sounds like it's anything where one of the romantic leads is not human. So I guess technically in that way, like Acotar or anything magical would fit under monster erotica.

[A]

I did entertain a Krampus title at one point.

[B]

Ah.

[A]

Craving Krampus, I think was. And the first one I read was monster erotica. And I could. It was actually freaking me out. And I was like, I can't talk about this. This one I need to.

[B]

Wait. What you didn't do. I just need to know if it's the one I did.

[A]

Elfed.

[B]

Yeah, it's the one I did. You were like, this is too far. And I was like, yeah, this is what I pick.

[A]

I should have known by the COVID image. Well, look, this is actually great because I've read most of yours and so we can really have a dialogue about it.

[B]

There was another one that I was looking at which was called I need to pull up my Kindle really Fast. It was called Tinsel and Tentacles and it was about a woman who was an assistant to a famous rock star and accidentally walked in on him in the bath and he had, like, octopus tentacles that he'd been, I don't know, somehow hiding.

[A]

What do you do in that situation? Who knows? It's hard to know.

[B]

I didn't make it very far in that book. But the singer himself was this, like, kind of sad boy, young Justin Bieber type. And I was like, this is creepy. I don't like this at all.

[A]

But a lot didn't creep you out?

[B]

It made me laugh. But yeah, there were just a lot more creature romances in this genre than one might have expected.

[A]

Yeah, a lot more. Like a lot of. A lot of scary things happening. People like it, though. And in a way, Santa Claus is Going To Town on Me is kind of a monster romance because Santa is not human.

[B]

What is Santa?

[A]

It's a great question. He's kind of like an ageless alien.

[B]

What?

[A]

Who can shapeshift? There's always shape shifting involved.

[B]

Why did we need to innovate Santa?

[A]

I don't know. One of the reviews of this was that, like, why did we need to add a sci fi element? Wasn't it enough to just be like, this is Christmas. It's all magical. We don't need to explain it? And I would agree with that review. They went too far into the explanations. But overall I thought it was pretty solid, actually.

[B]

Okay, so we've gotten off track here. Bringing us back. Describe the COVID to me.

[A]

The COVID is very straightforward, unlike Elf, which I really can't wait for you to describe to the people. So the COVID is just a man dressed as Santa Claus. Just a very bushy white beard that kind of continues onto the white fur of the hat. Traditional Santa suit, I think. I couldn't really tell on my Kindle, but I think there's some sort of Like a cosmic like star galaxy background, which does fit into some of the time travel elements that are explored later in the book. But if you just look at it, you're not and you don't read the title, you're like, that's just a really weird stock image of a Santa.

[B]

How long was your book it had time for time travel?

[A]

I don't know. It took me about an hour to read.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

So I'm not sure it was longer than elfed, I think. Okay, I did read both, but.

[B]

Well, I mean, I obviously care a ton about your opinion, but before we get to your opinion, what are we doing here? With the average Goodreads Amazon rating, how many reviews does it have? Does this have a fandom around it?

[A]

So I wasn't aware of any fandom, but upon going through a lot of the reviews, I did see that this had been on booktok at some point.

[B]

Okay, okay.

[A]

Keep that in mind. It has about 500ish reviews on Amazon. 4.1 rating.

[B]

4.1.

[A]

Yeah. Yes.

[B]

Doesn't it always kind of like hurt you when one of these books has a higher rating than like your own book that you wrote?

[A]

Most of them do. And you know, it's. It's fine. People really got a lot out of it. It has 3.7 on Goodreads. 1,251 reviews.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Solid. I would say most of them are positive. People really like this and I kind of get it.

[B]

Give me some excerpts here. What are people saying? What's the buzz?

[A]

Right. Would you like to start with some 4 star high reviews or some low star reviews?

[B]

You tell me. Take me wherever.

[A]

Okay, we'll start with four. This one I really enjoyed. It was just, ho, ho, holy hell. I loved it. Wow. Which I really liked. One star. We'll go to Onestar. Now. This person said if you can get over the traditional looking Santa going to pound town, then this is the book for you. However, this was not the book for me. And to that I would just ask what exactly was this person expecting when they chose to download Santa Claus is Going to Town on me other than traditional Santa going to pound town? Maybe they were looking for a more like modern Santa. Like a hot Santa.

[B]

Well, there is a. I have noticed that there is one stock image hot guy who's wearing like Christmas boxers who's on the COVID of most of these books that are not monster romances. I wonder if he knows this. So, you know, maybe this person was expecting like classic hot guy kind of Fabio romance.

[A]

I was too. I Was not expecting, like traditional Santa, like gray hair everywhere kind of thing.

[B]

Oh, no, that's.

[A]

What? White hair. Sorry, White hair. The pubic hair is described as shimmering silver.

[B]

I'm sorry, I like never want to hear Santa's pubic hair described to me.

[A]

Well, you're gonna hear a lot more, so.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

So buckle up.

[B]

Wow. So elfed was too much for you, but hearing about Santa's pubic hair was cozy for you?

[A]

I don't feel like. Okay, yes, his pubic hair is shimmering silver, but he brings a lot more to the picture that I haven't told you yet that I think you're going to be delighted by.

[B]

Okay, give me the description, the summary. I'm ready. I need to know more.

[A]

Okay, so the main character is. Her name is Holly. Of course her name is Holly. She hates Christmas.

[B]

Everyone's name is Holly in these books. I screened six, three of them had main characters named Holly and none of them were your book.

[A]

Yep, her name is Holly. She hates Christmas. So it's Christmas Eve, she lives alone. She's like, really? Now I have to deal with a burglar. She has a samurai sword. For some reason, it's never fully explained why. Anyway, so she goes down and there is Santa. And she's surprised by that. And she's also surprised by the fact that she is incredibly physically and sexually attracted to him immediately.

[B]

Oh, wow.

[A]

Like, there is no, there's no. There is no buildup. She just looks at him. I have some quotes we can.

[B]

It's a 50 page book. There's no time for the will there. Won't they. No.

[A]

No, there isn't. Also, fun fact, Santa can read her mind. So he knows every desire that she has. And he's like, you wanna sleep with me? And she's like, I do. And he's like, okay, I have a lot of houses to get to. I'm 15,000 houses behind tonight with the gift giving of it all. And so like, I can't stop this now. Just have sex with you. But I will come back tomorrow. And so he does. That's the premise of the book.

[B]

Oh, wow. So it's like a Boxing Day surprise.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Yeah. Okay.

[A]

So he comes back the next day and. Yeah, that's. I mean, hit me. What do you want to know?

[B]

I want to know. Hit me with the quotes. Give me the best of or the worst of this book.

[A]

So I knew I was gonna pick this book because I opened on my Kindle the first page and it's just this quote standing by itself and it says, I've always hated Christmas, but this year will be different because this year I'm going to fuck Santa Claus. And it's just like a full page. And I have this photo that I took that's like this very cozy reading setup. And I have like a cup of tea next to me and I just have the photo of the Kindle. And like, at first glance, you think it's gonna be some really deep quote. And it's just that.

[B]

Yeah, I love that.

[A]

So it opened with that and I was like, okay, I'm there. It had really strong opening sentences for most chapters, which I loved. This was another one. It was, I'm physically there for the gifts and food. This is when she goes to her parents for Christmas the next day, I guess. But mentally, I'm over 3,000 miles away at the North Pole, bare assed and sitting on Santa's lap.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

What about Santa? Does she ever describe her attraction to Santa? Like, what is it about Santa that does it for her?

[A]

You know, it's strange because he is described as being very ageless looking, but he's like, also has white hair, silver pubic hair. We've been over. He's seven feet tall. That is, of course, the weird thing about that is that he can get much bigger, but also he can get very small to go through the chimneys.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

So at one point they're having sex and he's like, look at what I can do. He gets like really gigantic. I mean, all over. Not just, not just his manhood. And basically he's like, isn't that cool that I can do that? He also regularly. I think this is a bragger.

[B]

Santa is.

[A]

Oh, sorry, he goes by Klaus.

[B]

Oh, okay. Yep.

[A]

He's. Everyone pronounces it wrong. He says, so while they're having texts, at one point she's like, santa. And he's like, it's Klaus.

[B]

Just so you know, it makes it worse for me.

[A]

But don't worry, she still says Santa a lot. Another quote. If I'm doing this, I might as well go all the way. It isn't enough that I'm standing in my underwear on Santa's sleigh. I want it all. I want the suit? He asks, arching his eyebrow. Yes. So he can read her mind and know that she really wants to have sex with him. Not just in Santa's sleigh, but he has to be wearing the Santa suit. So usually he's just wearing jeans because it's not like he lives in the uniform. Like, don't Be ridiculous. So he puts on the suit for her for the theatrical effect. Did I mention the snow?

[B]

No.

[A]

He does this fun thing while when they're having sex, he makes it snow. Oh, that's nice on them, which I think is very delightful.

[B]

That's a really nice element of, you know, the holiday spirit.

[A]

Yes, it was charming. I was like, klaus, nice. Good work. Finally, a quote that I would like to hit you with is, two days ago, if you told me I would be riding Santa's sleigh and his dick at the same time, I'd have laughed in your face. But here I am. Here I am.

[B]

Good for you, Holly. So tell me about Santa's jizz.

[A]

Oh, peppermint.

[B]

Peppermint. Classy. Yes, classy.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. So that didn't really do it for me. I don't really like peppermint, like, even peppermint, like, body wash and stuff. I'm always like, I feel like it's gonna leave a very unpleasant sensation that I don't want, you know? So this was a. Was a strange detail that I thought I could do without. But imagine my surprise when going from reading Elfed, which is frosting themed, to this, it being Peppermint. I'm like, is this all of them? Like, is this just.

[B]

I mean, you can't.

[A]

In order to write holiday erotica, you.

[B]

Can write holiday erotica without describing somebody's jizz in. In Christmas cookie terms?

[A]

Apparently not. I think it's much more of a prominent factor in elf'd. So I was like, I don't know how many times I can say that word. I don't even know if I want to talk about it that much. So I'm glad you've taken it, though, because I feel like there is a lot to discuss there.

[B]

There. There's a lot. But it's not my turn yet. We're still here on Santa Claus Is Going to Town on Me.

[A]

It's a mouthful. No pun intended.

[B]

Where are we putting this on the spiciness scale? I'm having trouble because it does sound pretty graphic, but you did describe it as, like, on the line between cozy and smutty. So where are we with one being PG and five being off the charts? I learned new things about sex that I didn't know before.

[A]

I think it's a four. Like, it's pretty much as spicy as you can get without it being like you've discovered a new thing. I mean, there are toys involved because he actually makes all of these toys full of them. There are no elves at One point, Holly's like, where are the elves? He's like, elves? This is absurd. But the reindeer are real. Anyway, he makes the toys. He makes a toy that I didn't quite understand, but it seemed to perform efficiently for Hollywood in the book. But, yeah, I do have to say that the reason that Santa in this book is my favorite character. Sorry, Klaus.

[B]

Yeah, Klaus. Call him by his name.

[A]

Klaus. I'm so sorry. Is because he renovates Holly's home for her. So at one point, how, in this.

[B]

Book that is 50 pages, was there room for so much plot and so much sex?

[A]

It was the most elevated, weird erotica I've read yet. But I was like, I like this man because he's handy.

[B]

He's an HGTV show.

[A]

Exactly. At one point, he's like, why don't you go take a bath? And she's like, I don't have a bathtub. That's the thing I hate about this house. And he's like, now you do. So she goes into the bathroom, fully renovated downstairs. Fully renovated. Wow. This man brought snow, and he brought home renovation. And for that, I applaud him. And also, she goes to his house in space at one point.

[B]

Oh, in space.

[A]

It's very cozy. It's very cozy.

[B]

North Pole. It's in space.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Yes. It's Planet Santa, she calls it, I think. Again, was that necessary?

[B]

I was gonna say, you don't need to innovate on Santa lore. There's enough lore. He lives the North Pole. His name is Santa. He wears the suit all year round.

[A]

Also, at one point, Holly's like, oh, my God, I can't live with myself. She forgets about Mrs. Claus entirely.

[B]

Oh, I actually did, too, until you brought it up.

[A]

Yeah. I was like. I didn't even know why we had to address that, but they did. She thought of everything. This author, Mrs. Claus, died centuries ago, though, so.

[B]

Oh, Rip.

[A]

You know? And he's thousands of years old, obviously.

[B]

But where did you wind up netting out on Holly?

[A]

She was a little bit annoying, but overall, I thought she was okay.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I didn't really get the instant need to have sex with Santa. Like, maybe a little buildup would have been nice instead of just, like, immediately, Like, I actually checked. It was page eight. She was like, let's do this. And I would have appreciated some more understanding of, like, why the primal attraction to Santa Claus, but sure, you know, who needs it? Maybe I'm the freak in this scenario. I just don't get it.

[B]

I feel like this whole exercise of this episode and seeing what's out there. It made me want to throw a party, get absolutely wasted with my friends, and brainstorm plot points for, like, a weird holiday erotica. Because, like, I really think I could whip one of these out a weekend.

[A]

100% you could, and it's like, you should.

[B]

How much are you making on this? It's on Kindle Unlimited, so I don't really know what the economics are. Cause I think it's based on Paige's reading. But, you know, could this be a viable side hustle?

[A]

You should. Would you do a pen name?

[B]

Yeah, for sure. For sure. I don't think I want the confusion with my. My personal brand, but I would, like, tell people my pen name. Like, I would be like. I would tell the podcast listeners. I would be like, my obscure erotica is under. I don't know what my name would be. I'd have to think about that. That would take me the longest to figure out.

[A]

Look, I'm not going to say that this is gonna change your life as a reader, but I am going to say if the idea of erotica interests you, this is a solid one. It was interesting and entertaining. Funny, Ridiculous. Smutty.

[B]

How has it affected how you look at Santa?

[A]

That's a great question. I mean, I've always thought the Kurt Russell version of Santa on Netflix is pretty hot.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

But this. This Santa was a little bit different than that. It was neither old nor young. You know, he had a vague European accent, which Klaus. That kind of made sense. Oh. And then at one point, he starts calling her by a German nickname. But he's like, I'm not from Europe. Don't. Don't ask me if I'm from Europe. It's like, what? Okay, fine.

[B]

I honestly have so many more questions after hearing more about this book. Like, I might need to read this.

[A]

I'm not saying it was good, but I'm not saying it was bad.

[B]

But it was included with your Kindle unlimited subscription.

[A]

It was indeed. It was indeed.

[B]

Do you have anything else that you need people to know about? Santa Claus is going to town on me.

[A]

Hmm. I think I'll end with a review I read for two stars that just said, at this point, I'm just committed to getting as close to my reading goal as I can.

[B]

Jen.

[A]

To which I say, if that's you and you have a reading goal you want to meet, by all means. You know, go on a trip to Planet Santa and have yourself a grand old time.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

I do think that my consumption of holiday music will feel different because you know, I will consume he's coming to town. He sure is. Well, we've previewed Elf a little bit.

[B]

Let's take a quick ad break first.

[A]

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[B]

I love that you read this and was like, it's too far.

[A]

Well, you know what did it for me? We'll probably touch on this. It was the black eyes.

[B]

Mm.

[A]

Mm. It was the black eyes and the candy cane horns. That was when I was like, I must turn back.

[B]

The description of this love interest is fucking wild. That you had all the choices in the world and these were the choices you made as the author.

[A]

I actually, I took photos of some passages because for a while I was thinking of doing it, which how fun would be if we had the same one. So, okay, talk to me about how you found this. You said you did extensive research for weeks now.

[B]

Actually, not for weeks. I did extensive research one day.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

When I texted you and asked if we could do this, I got on Amazon and I typed in holiday erotica. And then I also went down, I found ones, and I looked at, like, the related titles. Like, I really went. I was trying to find the right one. And I originally had seen something on Instagram maybe that I thought was going to be an elf on the shelf romance. And I was like, that's it. It did not turn out to be that. It turned out to be these elves were in a biker gang. Of course, like, they were more like Santa's workshop elves. I don't know. It was not doing it for me. But anyway, so I ended up downloading, like, six books. Like, I was like, okay, I need options. And then one night last week, I sat down with a glass of wine and I. I got into it. I read, you know, the first few pages of all of them. I had a Frosty the Snowman one. I had a Yeti Christmas one. I had something that was like, kind of like saw ish. It was weird. I had a Santa one. I couldn't do that. I had, you know, my tinsel and tentacles and then elfed. So, you know, I really got myself an array.

[A]

What made you choose elf? And for people wondering, it's E L.

[B]

F apostrophe D by Ginger Cain Kane with a K. I mean, okay, so I was reading and you know how sometimes when you're Reading something on a Kindle. And it has the highlighted passages that other people have highlighted and then how many people have highlighted them. And the highlighted passages were so ridiculous. And the number of people who highlighted them was so astounding to me. Like, I just needed to keep going. Like, I couldn't stop turning the pages. It was so ridiculous. But well written.

[A]

Yeah. Yes, I think it's time for you to talk about the COVID Yes, yes. With our listeners. This feels important.

[B]

Okay, so the COVID is like a black background. And you know that setting that you sometimes accidentally get into in a text where you can draw something with your finger? And it looks like glow in the dark text. It's that. And it just says elf E L F apostrophe D in green in like somebody's finger handwriting.

[A]

And then almost childlike choice that they chose.

[B]

And then there is what looks like a barbershop pole. You know, the red and white striped barbershop pole. And it looks like it's topped with snow. After reading this, I can compensate generous description say it is neither of those things. It is this elf's dick topped with vanilla frosting flavored jizz.

[A]

It is indeed. As you're talking, because I was reading this and I got to the passage about his semen and it was highlighted by a lot of people, which I found really funny. And I remembered the hint you had given me. And I thought, it's weird to me that I didn't think, like, there can only be one of these. Like, I knew enough about erotica that I was like, this is probably in a few books. And then it was like, when I got to Santa Claus's Going to Town on me, I was like, oh, yeah, this is just the theme in every book. So. But I'm glad I turned back so you can tell us about it. But what is the average rating on this book? I didn't look too far into this, but I need to know.

[B]

So it is polarizing. So on Goodreads, it has a 3.33 rating. So, you know, I think that safely means some people loved it, some people hated it. It has 1988 ratings.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Which is way more than I've seen on any of my own past. Obscure eroticas, I believe.

[A]

Yeah, this must have gone viral somewhere.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Or. Or people are just sharing it because they loved it so much. I don't know.

[B]

May I read you some selections from the reviews?

[A]

Please.

[B]

I would like to start with Peter, who gave it a three star review. I do need to abridge this because it was Quite long. He starts off by saying, wowza. First off, I hate myself for reading this. Second of all, I hate myself even more for making it such a top priority on my reading list. Peter Hard same. Third, it had monster in the title, so despite being erotica, I thought there would be some horror elements, which there was not. This was a clear case of entrapment. He goes on to say. Anyway, so this was just about what you'd expect. A hot, lonely, and very horny lady. She's named Holly, by the way. Being elfed by a sex crazed elf on Christmas Eve. Da da da.

[A]

Wait, they're both of our main characters named Holly?

[B]

Yeah, I told you that every Christmas erotica protagonist is a Holly. Peter goes on to say, beyond the jokes, the writing is done fairly well and the story had some unique things in it, so it was definitely one of the more interesting eroticas that I've encountered to date. I also found myself taking notes from this elf, so hopefully my wife is cool with what he's taught me. If I'm divorced within the week, you'll know how that turned out. Wish me luck.

[A]

Someone come find their dad.

[B]

I love the idea.

[A]

Get him up.

[B]

Goodreads Reviewing this so earnestly.

[A]

Oh man. And I also will have to ask and wonder to myself what tips he he would be taking because it doesn't.

[B]

Seem achievable without the hearts I read.

[A]

Seemed fairly specific to the candy cane dick.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

And the the grooved tongue. We'll get into this. Well, I'd love to hear some more.

[B]

A next rating. She gave no rating to it, no star rating. Somebody named Ashley said Day 2 of 25 lays of smutness, which I guess was a reading challenge she was participating in. She said this book was literally way too messy for my tastes, but the creativity and hilarity was a I think this might be kind of where you fall.

[A]

Yeah, well, what do you mean with how you feel about elf?

[B]

Literally so messy for me.

[A]

Yes, it was too much bodily fluid. It was just. It was literally too much for me.

[B]

Lastly, I have a two star review from Whitney, whose review starts out with what the fuck did I just read? And she goes on to say, I'm not entirely sure what I just read, but I know I was not the intended audience. Like my knee jerk reaction is to give this two stars because it made zero sense and what I think was supposed to be hot made me slightly uncomfortable. But again, I'm not a fan of erotica and I wasn't the intended audience, so I'll be Nice. And give it three stars. She gave it two stars. At least it was short. And I will never be able to unread the things that that elf fairy did with his junk. This is for someone. I just don't know who you are.

[A]

How do you read this book if you're not us and you're also not a fan of erotica? How do you get to this place? Just pure curiosity, I guess so. Or maybe you think it's like Elf? I don't know Ferrell's elf.

[B]

But 2,000 people have have rated it, so that must mean even more people have read it.

[A]

Including us.

[B]

Including both of us. Two very respected literary critics.

[A]

Oh, man. Okay, well, bring the listeners into it and give them a summary. I don't. I want to hear you just describe the physical appearance of the Alphja people because that took me by surprise.

[B]

I'm going to leave that for the quote section because I cannot summarize that and do it justice. So.

[A]

Yes, good point.

[B]

The book starts off with another woman named Holly. It's unclear if Holly lives in some type of like, Whoville type place or if she is the absolute cheesiest person on the planet. So we meet her and she's just getting home from a holiday party where her Secret Santa gave her this huge Christmas themed dildo because she's been in a slump. When she gets home, her keys fall off the counter and she says, oh, elf me. And I'm like, are you just as one does, yeah. I'm like, tell me more about you, Holly. So anyway, her whole life is very Christmas centric. She like then pours herself a glass of eggnog, she puts on an ugly Christmas sweater like she is just a Christmas loving gal. Unlike your Holly, who hated Christmas. So she starts watching a Christmas movie and then she goes back to the kitchen to get more eggnog and she realizes that the dildo is missing. And so she's like, am I hallucinating? Has someone broken into my house? And it turns out that the dildo has become a full sized oversized fairy creature who I will read you a description of later because it's insane and.

[A]

His magic, whatever you're thinking, is wrong.

[B]

He was like cursed to be contained in this dildo, which is his manhood. In real life, he was cursed to be contained in it. And he could only be released when someone said elf me. So for hundreds of Christmases he's been stuck inside this. So immediately she's attracted to him. And basically the whole book is them having sex.

[A]

From there so in a way, similar plot line to mine.

[B]

Yours has way more plot. He renovates her house. Like, these people just have a lot of sex.

[A]

Well, I mean, similar in the sense that it's just they meet and they're both kind of. Or one of them surprised, and then it's like, well, now we're having sex. Solid setup. Where do I even begin?

[B]

I feel like I'd like to read you some quotes because I think that you need to hear the details to really understand. So the first one I picked is really just like a writing sample, because I do think it was well written in a way that surprised me. Like, it was done better than it needed to be. A ginger cane. This is some of her interior monologue as she's thinking about how terrible this party that she just came home from was. And the worst part, no one would admit that it had been them. No one stood up to name themselves her Secret Santa. She'd been left to look around the sea of mostly familiar faces, dildo in hand, a tight smile on her face, and cheeks burning redder than Rudolph's nose. The party had been way too crowded, everyone else drinking way too much. And she really hadn't felt like stomping around the venue with a footlong Christmas dong, demanding answers.

[A]

Yeah, it was solid setup.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, like, well written. I'm on her side. So this is from. When he comes to life. I think we'll have to, like, take it in bits because it's just so much. Holly bit her lip as she studied the hard line of his jaw, the coal black hair and eyes, the pale, powdery blue of his muscular body. Why is he blue? The.

[A]

Wait, go ahead.

[B]

It gets instantly weirder. You're like, why is he blue? And then you're like, I read this. And then you're like, the elongated, pointed ears that were almost twice as long as his head. What?

[A]

I think my. I literally think my consciousness, like, completely left the building, like, in order to protect myself when I was reading this. Because, like, bits and pieces of it are coming to me, but, like, the whole image, I think my body has been like, no, we won't let you conjure this in your head. But now that I'm the author is.

[B]

Like, I'm coming up with, like, the sexiest creature I can imagine. And she's like, but wait, he's blue. And then she's like, and his ears are twice the size of his head. Okay, moving on. Whatever he was, he wasn't human. Yeah, no, duh. She didn't need A user guide to figure that out. And much to her surprise, that knowledge excited her. But more shocking than all that, more telling that this creature was something of another world, another place, was the enormous red and white striped cock bobbing between his legs.

[A]

That's what gave it away.

[B]

It wasn't the fact that he was blue, 7ft tall, and had ears twice.

[A]

The size of his head also appeared out of nowhere. Oh, man.

[B]

I think one of the wildest parts of this was the voice that she gave the fairy, which I would describe. Or I read it in my head, basically, as if Hugh Grant did a porno. Like it was very cheeky, like, oh, darling. Like it was a choice.

[A]

We should also clarify, he's supposed to be extremely tall as well, right?

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Because when I was reading this in the beginning, I was picturing like the ears and stuff on like a very small.

[B]

No, no, he's like an elf on the shelf size. No.

[A]

Which confused me immensely.

[B]

No. So if he's like 8ft tall, the ears are like, what?

[A]

Like, that's upsetting.

[B]

Three feet long.

[A]

No, that's not for me. But.

[B]

Okay, wait, I mean, it gets weirder and weirder. Okay, so then Holly says, what are you? And he goes. Fae, technically. He drawled, chin high as his fathomless eyes raked down her body in erect, licentious Fae, or elf for short. But you didn't summon me for a copy of my magical pedigree, did you, darling?

[A]

Of course not.

[B]

Erect licentious Fae. First of all, I had to look up the word licentious. And I think of I'm somebody who has a pretty good vocabulary.

[A]

What does it mean? I don't even know.

[B]

It means, like, promiscuous and unprincipled in sexual matters is the definition.

[A]

Elf on the shelf is ruined right now.

[B]

Him being a blue elf. Like, we need more description. And it's an acronym. What? What?

[A]

Elf.

[B]

Don't worry, we're not even near the pinnacle of this. Her breath hitched as his massive cock began to spin, literally spin and throb against her.

[A]

Okay, so are you imagining like, he's.

[B]

Blue, has ears twice the size of his head, coal black eyes, a red and white dick that spins?

[A]

But the spinning, I'm just wondering, like, maybe that's not important. I don't know. But I guess there's someone out there that, you know. There's a lid for every pot there is.

[B]

And he was hers. I don't think he ever has a name. It's just Elf.

[A]

Right. Of course. Okay.

[B]

Wait, can I. I think the next one might be my favorite.

[A]

Oh, go.

[B]

He hissed and devoured her mouth again, filling her with that spicy, sweet tongue. Fingers digging into her thigh and gripping her hips and pressing against the small of her back. Did he just grow more arms? Holly opened her eyes and saw that he had, in fact, grown more arms. Four more, to be exact.

[A]

No.

[B]

Why four? I don't know. Later, he grows more tongues, too.

[A]

Listen.

[B]

Oh, no, that wasn't my favorite. That wasn't my favorite. Because my favorite isn't two more quotes from here. Okay, so wait, then we get to his. His jizz. His cum was delicious. Pure vanilla bean and holiday spice. And his cock, it was just as sugary, sweet. I think this would be where I fall down on the job. I don't know if I can write. If I could, like, actually put that down on a page, look at it and not, like, immediately delete it.

[A]

I'm with you. I think this is about where I turned back from elf and.

[B]

Oh, so you don't even know my favorite line?

[A]

I don't think so. I mean, the growing of the tongues and arms was new to me, and it was also confirmation that I made the right choice because that's simply too much.

[B]

So my favorite line, I think is she's giving him a blowjob. And he's like, okay, no, now it's your turn again. And she's like, why can't it be both? And he's. And this is his dialogue response. He says, because, darling, much like Christmas, I only come once a year.

[A]

What is that?

[B]

Part of his curse is he can only come once per year.

[A]

But he can grow arms.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, but he can only come once. And then he goes back to his, like, trapped in a dildo form.

[A]

Okay, I sad. Sad for El.

[B]

The last quote I have for you, then we can discuss more. It's one of the final lines in the book, and I really think this is, like, indicative of where society is right now. This was what she needed. Not another mediocre man. Em Dash a monster. Well, like, we're so done on straight men that it's like, hey, this blue creature, this blue sex object creature will service you.

[A]

Maybe. Santa appealed to me so much because I had just read this and I was like, no, no, no. And then Santa, alternatively, with the snow and the renovated bathroom is like, great, magical. All right, so did you like elf? Like, did you find yourself attracted to.

[B]

I mean, I think he was kind of just like non human sex toy, you know? So, like, yeah, he Seemed to be great at his job. He seemed to really get the job done. He was a little too domineering in parts that I was like, ooh, this is creepy.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, assuming that someone wants you to grow arms is really. It's a little much.

[B]

Once he likes, restrains her with this, like, cotton web, like, spider web stuff that is also part of him. I don't know. Just letting you know.

[A]

Oh, Santa did in my book as well, but it was with red ribbon, which does make more sense. But spiderweb, that's also part of your body. Might be more. That might be more some people's things, so that's fine. Hard to know how to categorize this, but on the spiciness, what would you say, chili pepper wise?

[B]

I would give it four. I would give it four.

[A]

I think that Candy canes.

[B]

Four candy canes. I would say to be a five. I think there has to be some element of, like, there's multiple partners. There's, like, sexual acts in it that are not usually on the menu. And despite the fact that he grew arms and tongues and like, you know, really, candy cane really made it worth her while it was the standard menu of sexual acts. Like, he went down on her, she went down on him.

[A]

Yeah. They had sex similar to Santa Claus.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

How does this one compare to Abraham Lincoln's sex? God of the moon.

[B]

Fuck. Lord of the Moon.

[A]

Fuck.

[B]

Lord of the moon.

[A]

Sorry.

[B]

Call him by his name.

[A]

I'm so sorry. I can't so keep doing this today. And what was your other one? I forget.

[B]

Conquered by Clippy.

[A]

Oh, how could I forget? Yes. How does. Very different sort of vibe. We had historical. We had inanimate object. And then this is, I guess you would say monster.

[B]

I would say this was sexier. There was less plot. There was a lot of plot in the other ones. Like, Abraham Lincoln was, like, trying to conquer the moon. Clippy was like, on an architectural dig. Like, there was a lot more plot and the sex was secondary versus this book was like, I came home from a Christmas party. And then the rest of it was sex. So in that way it was much more sex, I gotta say. I mean, I think this was the most creative one that I read in the spectrum of ones I screened. But I do think that the Clippy one and Abraham Lincoln, Fucklord of the Moon, were maybe more creative overall in terms of just the premise.

[A]

Yeah, I guess it depends which kind of creativity you're looking for, really.

[B]

But I think the quotes in this one, I think were like, it had its. The nuggets were impeccable.

[A]

It's. Yes. Just excellent. Memorable. Memorable lines. Well, is there a sequel to this? Do you want a sequel?

[B]

There's a whole series coming.

[A]

Oh, right.

[B]

So there's one more book. So the series is called Holly Gets. So in this, Holly Got Elfed. The next one is Holly Got Corked, which is a New Year's Eve themed one where she. I think a champagne bottle becomes a silver elf. And then there's more coming. They're not out yet. So Crushed is coming Valentine's Day, 2025. And so I can kind of follow these until the last one, and I have no fucking clue what it is. So the next one is Crushed, then Lucked, which I imagine is St. Patrick's Day. Fooled, which is April Fool's Day. The next one is Plucked.

[A]

Plucked.

[B]

Plucked. P, L, U, C, K, D. Is that like Easter Chick?

[A]

Yeah, maybe.

[B]

What is that?

[A]

I don't like that, though. I don't either. That makes me uncomfortable.

[B]

I don't either. I don't like it at all.

[A]

I do want to know, but same also, like, you know, there's people out there that, like, are dedicated readers of Ginger Cane, and I just want to know why this? No shame, but I just want to know what it is about it. Is it the fact that it's so far beyond what is normal that it, like, is more escapist? Not normal? I guess. Run of the mill, boring.

[B]

I mean, if you read it as, like, pure comedic text, do you think.

[A]

That'S what most people read? These?

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

It's definitely like a whole world that I didn't know existed that I now know.

[B]

But I literally. I don't have time to do this right now. I need to finish the book that I have sold and is due. But, like, don't you think it would be really fun to have a party and to just. Everyone gets really drunk and it's kind of like a mad lib situation of, like, what are we including in this holiday erotica? And then, you know, everyone brainstorms how that is. Like, you know, maybe somebody is like a chicken, and you're like, okay, we gotta figure out how to include this.

[A]

I mean, at this point, it's like, I've read the door thing and, like, it kind of worked. So I'm like, anything is possible. I know that sounds very fun.

[B]

All right. I'm glad we did this. This was fun and traumatizing.

[A]

It was very cheerful.

[B]

I learned things I didn't know that I want to learn them, but I.

[A]

Will never look at a candy cane. There's just a slew of objects that have been sort of ruined for me. Or not really ruined, just sexualized. Complicated by this.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

Doors. Shrek. Clip art. Anyway, I'm glad we did it too. I think this was great.

[B]

I think in these trying times, it's what was required of us.

[A]

We're only doing our duty.

[B]

We're doing our civic duty, but let's get out of here. Let's get into some ad matter. Okay. You didn't text me back about this, and now I assume it's just because you were off your phone, But I'm obsessed with using our Baton paper merch account to make weird custom gifts for friends. And I texted you last night or the night before, and I was like, just so you know, I'm putting these on my own credit card. Like, I'm not charging them to bat on paper.

[A]

I did get an email, and I was like, I don't know what's going on, but I trust Becca because the.

[B]

The emails all come into, like, our shared inbox with, like, the order confirmations and the shipping confirmations. And I was like, if Olivia opens any of these, she's gonna be like, I'm sorry what I did.

[A]

It's fine.

[B]

I've gotten really creative. I have my Canva account, and I've just been designing merch for people.

[A]

That's so fun. I guess you can't talk about them, but tell me.

[B]

I think I can talk about one, because I'm pretty sure, like, I would be shocked if he listened. So you know my friend Mike, who's I eat lobster rolls on Instagram, So I made him a sweatshirt, and the back says, ask me about my rolls. And then the front has, like, a lobster, and it has the Instagram handle.

[A]

Oh, cute. That is literally merch.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah, Nice. That's very smart.

[B]

But I've made other people things, too. Like, I don't know why I got this in my head, but I'm like, this is the most fun thing.

[A]

I love that idea, though. It's a great holiday gift idea for anyone out there.

[B]

And I enjoy designing truly terrible clip art logos for them.

[A]

And we're back to Clippy all roads. Well, I can't wait to see them. I'll have to check the email. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. What about you? What are you obsessed with?

[A]

I'm obsessed with Antiques Roadshow, the TV show.

[B]

Oh, is this new to you?

[A]

No, I've always watched on and off, but when I was at my parents house we discovered that there is a channel that only plays Antiques Roadshow.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

And I, yeah, it was like I said I was just on a different planet, but I could watch this for like 12 and a half. I don't know why that's so specific. For like an entire day. I could watch this because it's so addictive. Cause like you're always wanting to see the next thing. It's like the most expensive thing that they can find. And so the clips are so short. Like each antique is like you know, five minutes or whatever. And so it's like, it's almost like reels or TikTok. Like that's what it feels like.

[B]

Are they still making episodes or are these all episodes from like the 90s?

[A]

I'm pretty sure they are still making it, but usually it's episodes that are like from the 2000 teens or I mean they have all like all of them. So they're mixed in. I just love when there's something that's like I paid $5 and it's like $250,000.

[B]

Yeah, this is your dream.

[A]

It's so fun. Yeah, that's why I collect things. We'll say that.

[B]

Anyway, I did not read anything this week. I'm just in my book hole over here writing my book. I mean I read this but I don't sure it counts.

[A]

You did you read this? It's a book.

[B]

But what did you read?

[A]

I read the Santa Claus book and I also read the Rachel incident by Caroline O'Donoghue which I had bought forever ago. Somehow it ended up at my parents house and then I was there and I didn't bring any books so I read it, loved it. Like you always said that I would love this book. It's so good. Could not put it down. Like I was, I just obsessed with it. It is so good.

[B]

Also really unique.

[A]

Yes. It's really kind of quite hard to describe, but basically it is about two friends in their early twenties living in Ireland and the relationship they develop with one of their professors and his wife. Mm, I guess is the best way to put it. But I just, I absolutely love this. It was just so good. I also read the Heaven and Earth Grocery store by James McBride. Well, I read like 75% of it and then I just kind of gave up, which I really very rarely do. But I was distracted by like Antiques Roadshow and stuff. And so I'm asking the listeners if I should finish it or not. Like is it worth finishing? It was very good. It's just like there were so many characters.

[B]

I mean, I feel like it was on every best book of the year list last year. So if 70% in, you don't feel compelled to finish it, like, maybe it's just not for you.

[A]

I just can't decide whether it's because I was distracted because I was often reading, like while the TV was on or like while people were talking or whatever. I don't even know how to describe it. Okay.

[B]

It's historical fiction, drama.

[A]

Yes. With many, many characters and a lot of it is about race. Anyway, I'm not pitching it very well. Google can do a better job than I can. But tell me if I should finish it. And yeah, that's it.

[B]

So we're winding down for the year. We have one more episode left after this. We have our best books of the year episode. Unfortunately, it's too late to submit a voicemail when you're listening to this, but we have tons. So I can't wait to share what other bad on Paper listeners picked as their best book of the year in addition to our best books of the year. Then we're taking a three week break and we'll be back January 8th. If you would like to react to anything in this episode. God, I don't know what's gonna happen. You can join us in the Geneva group. As always, you can join us in the Facebook group. Just search badonpaper. We're on Instagram adonpaper Podcast. If you would like to send me hate mail for introducing you to elf. I am on Instagram. Ecamfreeman.

[A]

I'm on Instagram. Oliviamentored. Please don't send me hate mail though.

[B]

And that's what we've got for you.

[A]

All right, bye. Happy holidays. Bye.