Obscure Erotica Vol. 04

Summary

Podcast Summary: Bad On Paper – Episode: Obscure Erotica Vol. 04

Release Date: February 5, 2025
Hosts: Becca Freeman & Olivia Muenter
Podcast Description: Join Becca Freeman and Olivia Muenter every Wednesday for a dose of books and banter, along with interviews with women who inspire us.

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1. Welcome and Personal Updates

Timestamp: 00:18 – 04:48

Becca Freeman and Olivia Muenter kick off the episode by embracing their Valentine's Day tradition of delving into obscure erotica, a segment they've grown passionate about despite initial reservations.

• Becca: "Once I locked in, there was no going back... I need you all to know this." [00:54]

Olivia shares her joy over reading her chosen erotica, humorously describing it as a mix of happiness and terror, which resonated during a dinner outing.

• Olivia: "I feel like we all could use some laughter right now. The world is dark. We should laugh about silly things." [01:25]

The conversation transitions to their recent personal highs and lows, providing listeners with a glimpse into their lives outside of the podcast.

• Olivia on her high: "I got my first haircut and hair color since May 2024... It feels excellent." [01:30]

• Becca on her high: "I got feedback on the latest round of edits that I did on my book... it's a new draft. I feel good mentally coming into this. I'm excited." [02:54]

Olivia discusses a minor low regarding her nails, leading to a lighthearted exchange about potential creative hobbies.

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2. Deep Dive into Obscure Erotica

Timestamp: 12:16 – 32:06

A. "Garden Gnome Sex Party" by Danny Tucker

Becca and Olivia explore "Garden Gnome Sex Party," an erotica piece that combines whimsy with explicit content, earning it a place as one of the most unsettling yet intriguing reads they've encountered.

• Olivia: "It's extremely explicit... in many ways the darkest literature I've ever read." [15:57]

The hosts dissect the book's unconventional premise: Jenny, the protagonist, experiences a surreal and erotic encounter with animated garden gnomes named Thudwick, Lupwin, and Bimpo. They critically analyze the narrative, highlighting its graphic descriptions and questionable logistics.

• Becca: "He uses his tail as anal beads and ends up putting a full dozen in her at one point." [57:13]

Olivia expresses discomfort with certain passages, particularly the portrayal of gnome anatomy and consent ambiguities, while Becca grapples with the book's dark humor and explicitness.

• Olivia: "This is the worst thing I have ever heard in my life." [50:40]

The discussion culminates in both hosts rating the book highly on their "Chili Pepper Scale" for its boundary-pushing content, despite—or perhaps because of—its controversial themes.

• Becca: "It's five. It taught me things about sex that I didn't know were possible." [62:14]

B. "Hello, Sharks. Deviled Egg Made Me Do It" by Holly Wild

Transitioning to another eccentric title, Becca reviews "Deviled Egg Made Me Do It," which features a sentient deviled egg named Damien. The narrative blends absurdity with explicit erotica, challenging conventional storytelling.

• Becca: "Shelby has been scrambling to get her life together... but when a giant, horned and horny egg crashes the party..." [43:06]

The hosts humorously critique the book's premise and execution, focusing on the bizarre character development and graphic sexual encounters.

• Olivia: "Do you have any lawn ornaments at your home? No, and I will not have any." [32:16]

Becca shares excerpts that highlight the book's unsettling imagery and over-the-top descriptions, eliciting strong reactions from both hosts.

• Olivia: "I need my memory. Right." [58:29]

Despite the discomfort, both hosts acknowledge the creativity and uniqueness of the work, pondering potential sequels or multimedia adaptations that could amplify its surreal qualities.

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3. Book Club and Recommendations

Timestamp: 65:10 – 72:38

Beyond erotica, Becca and Olivia engage in a passionate discussion about their current reading obsessions, offering listeners a spectrum of literary recommendations.

• Olivia on "Wild Dark Shore" by Charlotte McConaughey:

  "It is unbelievably good... twistier than any thriller I have ever read. I cried." [65:10]

  She praises the book's intricate plot, character development, and emotional depth, positioning it as a must-read for fans of climate fiction and suspenseful narratives.

• Olivia on "The Force of Such Beauty" by Barbara Borlan:

  "It's a fairy tale story with a spin... it's a poignant commentary on the princess narrative." [71:06]

  Becca responds by expressing interest in the book, intrigued by its unique take on traditional fairy tale elements.

The hosts announce their February Book Club pick, "Isola" by Allegra Goodman, a historical fiction saga that blends survival instincts with rich character arcs set against a backdrop of early North American exploration.

• Olivia: "It's tight with great twists and character development... perfect for getting swept up in." [72:25]

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4. Reflections and Closing Thoughts

Timestamp: 72:38 – 74:24

As the episode wraps up, Becca and Olivia reflect on the intense discussions surrounding the obscure erotica segments. They acknowledge the shared discomfort and humor in navigating such unorthodox content, fostering a sense of camaraderie and resilience.

• Becca: "If you stick with us... we are professional podcast ladies now." [73:49]

They encourage listeners to join their social media communities for further discussions and tease future episodes, promising more engaging content and literary explorations.

• Becca: "You can join us in the Facebook group or in the Geneva group." [73:56]

The hosts sign off with a light-hearted farewell, maintaining the podcast's warm and inclusive atmosphere despite the episode's challenging topics.

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Becca Freeman:
  "Once I locked in, there was no going back... I need you all to know this." [00:54]
  "It's five. It taught me things about sex that I didn't know were possible." [62:14]
  "I will never not know this, and that is upsetting." [60:36]

• Olivia Muenter:
  "I feel like we all could use some laughter right now. The world is dark. We should laugh about silly things." [01:25]
  "This is the worst thing I have ever heard in my life." [50:40]
  "I need to be. I need my memory. Right." [58:29]

---

Conclusion

In this engaging episode of "Bad On Paper," Becca Freeman and Olivia Muenter navigate the labyrinth of obscure erotica with a balance of humor, critical analysis, and personal anecdotes. From battling the surreal allure of garden gnomes to confronting deviled eggs with devilish intent, the hosts challenge both themselves and their listeners to explore the unconventional realms of erotica. Their candid conversations about personal highs, lows, and literary passions create a relatable and dynamic listening experience, inviting audiences to join them in their ongoing journey through the eclectic world of literature.

Transcript

[A]

Hi, everyone. Welcome back to Baton Paper Podcast. I'm Becca Freeman.

[B]

And I'm Olivia Mentor.

[A]

And it is our Valentine's Day tradition, now that we are in February, to discuss some obscure erotica. I was nervous about this. I feel like we just did this, but we owe it to the people.

[B]

I was, too. And then I read my chosen erotica, and I was laughing so hard. It just brought me so much happiness and joy. So joy is maybe the wrong word. It's like it's terror, but it's terror.

[A]

Yeah, that feels right.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. Once I locked in, there was no going back. I almost texted you to say, should we do something different? But then once I read my book, it's one of those things where I know this. So now I need you all to know this.

[B]

Mm. Yeah. I went to dinner last night with some friends, and I couldn't stop talking about this. And every time the waiter came over, they were like, what have I just walked into? So anyway, I feel like we all could use some laughter right now. The world is dark. We should laugh about silly things.

[A]

Agree. Agree. But before we get to those things, tell me your high.

[B]

My high is that I got my first haircut and hair color since May 2024. So I feel fresh, I feel revived. I feel blonde. I feel great. My hair feels so thin.

[A]

You have. You still have your mermaid hair. I'm so jealous. My hair does not grow past a certain length. It couldn't get as long as yours is right now, even after the cut. And I don't know, it's just so luxurious and shiny and mermaidy.

[B]

Well, thank you. Yeah. I think we cut off, like, at least 2 or 3 inches. But, like, my hair, it will keep growing, but it just becomes, like, a scraggly. Like, it's not doing anything. You know, it's hanging on for dear life. It's not good. But anyway, I just, you know, that refreshed new hair feeling, it just feels excellent. And I tried a new hairstylist in Hudson, which I hadn't been able to find one near us yet. And so now I have that, and I'm very excited. And I'm getting new author photos taken next month, and so she's gonna do my hair for that, and I'm just. It feels good. When I booked this hair appointment, like, towards the end of last year, I was like, when I get to this hair appointment at the end of January, I'm gonna feel like my life is, like, really good. Like, I'm gonna have spent all of January just, like, Taking care of myself. And then I'm gonna get my hair done. It'll be like a little treat. And that's what happened. And so I'm feeling good.

[A]

Oh, I love that for you.

[B]

Thank you. Well, tell me all about your high. I feel like it's much more exciting.

[A]

So I got feedback on the latest round of edits that I did on my book and you, especially Olivia. But also the audience knows how nervous I was about it, and I'm so happy that the feedback was really positive. There's still work to be done. I'm not anywhere near the finish line, but having conquered the biggest edit I've ever done and getting that vote of confidence, oh, my gosh, I cannot tell you the full body sigh I took when I read just the first paragraph of my edit letter and was like, it wasn't something along the lines of, ma'am, you have made this worse.

[B]

Well, I know that I had faith in you, and I know all the listeners did as well, but, yeah, you should be so proud. That's just such a nice feeling to just take a deep breath and, like, know that all the hard work paid off. Like, how rewarding.

[A]

Yeah. And I'm really excited to just kind of have a clean slate in terms of. It's a new year. I'm starting a new draft. I feel like the past draft was really a. I don't know why. What I. The analogy I want to use is a monkey on my shoulder, but that's what I'm. That's what I'm going with. I had a real crisis of confidence kind of across last year, but specifically within this book draft. And so, yeah, I feel really good to just be starting fresh. I feel really good mentally coming into this, and I feel like I have a good tool set, and I'm really trying to be vigilant and keep my mental state up. Like, not let myself talk to myself negatively and not spiraling. We were talking about that before we started recording, so, yeah, I feel good. I feel in control. I'm excited.

[B]

Good. I'm glad. Yeah. Keep the good vibes going as you work on this. This next section of stuff.

[A]

Thank you. What about on the low side?

[B]

Oh, I mean, it's been a pretty good week. I would say. My low is very silly one. I have been getting my nails done regularly for, like, a year and a half now, but for whatever reason, this past time, like, it chipped a lot faster, and I have just destroyed my hands. Like, you're in there. It's so bad. I Actually went ahead and bought the Olive and June gel kit. Do it yourself. Because I saw people in the Geneva group talking about it positively, and I was like, I want to be able to remedy this myself. Like, I don't want to have to drive 30 minutes, which is what I've been doing for the past 18 months to fix this. Because once it starts getting bad, it's just like, it spirals very quickly. The cuticles, it's carnage. It's. See, it's carnage.

[A]

I can paint my nails, and I'm good at that, but I'm very bad at shaping my nails and the cuticle stuff. So I feel like. I don't know if that's for me, but I love the idea of it.

[B]

I'll report back and tell you if it works. Maybe it's because of my new keyboard I got, but I'm in my short nails era. Like, I had long nails for a while there, but all I want is, like, really, really short nubbins now, so.

[A]

Great. Also, this reminds me, because you were talking about not having a creative hobby outside of writing. Maybe nail art becomes your creative hobby.

[B]

Oh, wow. I mean, maybe that would be a turn I would not expect, but who knows? It could be fun. I know you can buy on Olive and June, like, little tools. This isn't sponsored at all, by the way. I just. I saw it when I was perusing the website.

[A]

I'm very into nail art. Instagram. I get served a lot of it. I have a group thread on there with a bunch of friends where we send pictures back and forth. And so I get served a lot of nail art on Instagram. I can start sending them to you if you want.

[B]

Oh, yeah, please. I mean, I have such ugly hands. I think that I, like, I feel like I don't see my hands represented in nail art photos, you know? So I'm like, I can't pull that off, but maybe I can get creative.

[A]

I think hands are weird. Nobody has good dissociated hands. If you just take a photo of a hand, it looks weird.

[B]

It does, I guess.

[A]

I mean, they're a hand model, so there are angels walking among us, but I don't think anyone I don't know takes a good hand photo.

[B]

You're probably right. I'm being too hard on myself. My hands. My hands do so much for me. I should be thankful. Okay, well, tell me you're low.

[A]

Ugh. This I am spiraling about. So I said the other week that I thought that they were putting my building back on the Market to sell. And our landlord texted us the other day and asked if people would be home for a buyer to come look at all of the units. And instead of the buyer, I opened the door and it's this guy in coveralls with like a headlamp and a safety vest. It was like an inspector guy who was there to inspect the apartment. So I feel like that means it's really far along that they have an interested buyer. So he did the whole inspection, and then afterwards I went on street easy just to kind of get a sense of what's out there. I'm not moving imminently. I have a lease through October. So in New York, you can't find anything. It's two to four weeks out is what the market is. So, you know, it's not even relevant. But I just wanted to get a sense of what was out there and. Oh, my God, Olivia, it was so grim.

[B]

Oh, gosh. Like, just nothing you liked or nothing affordable or Both? Both.

[A]

Both. I feel like I just have such a gem with this apartment that it's gonna be such a rude awakening to try to find anything that's this size in my price range in an area I wanna be. So I'm just preemptively, nervously spiraling about it.

[B]

Are you open to moving neighborhoods?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But would you stay in Brooklyn?

[A]

Probably. I mean, I feel like I would move back into the city, but I feel like in Brooklyn you get more space for your money, so I feel like, value wise, it probably makes more sense to stay in Brooklyn. Yeah, but if something fell into my lap and there was an apartment in the city, I'd happily move back.

[B]

Maybe eventually it will be an exciting prospect and the right thing will come along, but I understand how stressful it is.

[A]

Yeah, keep you posted.

[B]

Please do.

[A]

Well, let's get back on the weird happy High train and take a quick ad break and then I want to hear what has you so delighted. I'm always excited to talk about Cozy Earth because I earnestly love them so much, and I'm generally wearing something from them about 60% of the time when we record the podcast, usually their joggers or their wide leg lounge pants. And honestly, if I'm not wearing something from them like today, it's probably because all of my Cozy Earth loungewear is in the laundry. But today I'm extra excited to talk about them because they have an incredible BOGO deal on their bamboo pajama set this weekend, which I think makes it the perfect time to give them a try. If you've been curious.

[B]

Cozy Earth's bamboo pajama sets are one of the products that they are best known for. And like everything they make, these PJs are so soft and so breathable. You could obviously gift them to a friend or a sister or your mom for Valentine's Day, but you also probably will want to keep them for yourself because you just are not going to want to take them off once they're on your body. Trust me. And I really appreciate that. They come in every possible hem and sleeve length so you're covered whether you prefer shorts and pants or short sleeves or long sleeves. I personally am a. I wear sweatpants as I'm getting ready for bed and a short sleeve or long sleeve shirt. But then I like to just be pantless with the very soft shirt. That's my most free form of Winnie the Pony. I know I this feels inappropriate to mention on this of all episodes, but that's my best move. And also then the pants are right there. Should there be an emergency, I can slip on my Cozy Earth bamboo joggers and you know, fight off an intruder. Break in. Yeah, like if I am fighting an intruder, I want to have pants I would feel more confident wielding.

[A]

But you want them to be soft and breathable.

[B]

Exactly, exactly.

[A]

Anyway, so another favorite product to check out while you're there are their bamboo sheet sets. And these are temperature regulating so they're going to be so clutch once it warms up. Or if you sleep with a partner who runs hot and they get softer the more you wash them. So I'll be honest, I liked them when I first got them, but now I love them.

[B]

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[A]

All right, Olivia, I have decided that you go first because mine is not.

[B]

Going to be as weird as yours. We know this. Well, it doesn't matter what I bring. I can't go as dark as you. It's just not in my nature.

[A]

I mean, I, I would love to be surprised. Mine so horrific that I, I do worry about the attrition rate of people turning it off.

[B]

Well, you know, we're gonna ease them into it, but I mean, some would argue mine is not for the faint of heart. I'll say that it is, I would say, the most unsettling one I've done so far.

[A]

Oh, well. So we talked yesterday over text about this and I asked you to give me a one word hint to make sure that we weren't doing the same one. And your hint was. Gardening.

[B]

Any guesses?

[A]

Well, so I googled gardening erotica book to see if I could figure out. No, I didn't find it. So I don't have any guesses, but I'm ready to be surprised. Tell me the title of what you've brought for us.

[B]

I have brought for you today. Garden Gnome Sex Party by Danny Tucker.

[A]

Gnomes. I did not see that coming.

[B]

Neither did I, Becca, let me tell you. But they're here, so paint us a.

[A]

Picture so we can all picture this in our mind. What is the COVID looking like?

[B]

So, first of all, I'm gonna need you to google it because it's really something to experience. It is both the best.

[A]

You thought I wasn't already typing that in? You don't know me.

[B]

I need you guys to know this.

[A]

Has a very interesting vibe.

[B]

It looks like, weirdly, if you squint, it looks like sort of an early 2000s, like, explosion. Explicit album cover.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

In the lower right hand corner where you'd have the, like, parental advisory sticker, there's just the name of the author, Fanny Tucker. And then there's a photo of. Honestly, it's a woman who looks like Sydney Sweeney or Taylor Swift. Her hair is like, blown out.

[A]

I was just gonna say that the photo of the girl almost looks like it was taken from the poster from an A24 movie.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Like, it is weird. Very artistic and cool.

[B]

It's true. And then overimposed over that image are just three garden gnomes. They look. I would say they look kind of dowered. Like they don't look happy about what's about to happen. And like they should based on the story because they get. They get what they want.

[A]

They look European and old.

[B]

They do.

[A]

Like they're vintage.

[B]

I just. I want to tell you their name so bad, but I'm going to save that. And then the Garden Gnome Sex Party font is like. It kind of reminds me of Good Charlotte's, like, Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous.

[A]

I think that's what it's called.

[B]

It's like that sort of. You know what this cover is giving a little bit.

[A]

Tell me.

[B]

Saltburn. Wow. Yes.

[A]

It is the highest end cover for. For any obscure erotica we've done to date.

[B]

And I should mention this book came out in the year 2013, so it's not new. Like it's just aged well. Question mark.

[A]

Wow. Well, I mean, gnome fetishes never go out of style.

[B]

No, it's a classic. It's a classic.

[A]

So before we get into your thoughts, tell me, what are we looking at? Goodreads, Amazon rating wise, how many people? How popular is this? Do you have any choice reviews that we should hear?

[B]

Of course, yeah, I would say this is actually under the radar. It only has 45 reviews on Amazon.

[A]

About to be 46. Are you going to leave one?

[B]

Maybe. I don't know. I have. Let's just say I have some complicated emotions about this one. Goodreads 3.1 as well. 114 reviews. So a little bit more. But you're really an innovator.

[A]

You're 25 pages. You're in on the ground floor of this.

[B]

You're in.

[A]

You're about to start the trend.

[B]

I should say that I did see this mentioned in an article about weird erotica. And I was first drawn to it because of how short it was. And I was like perfect. No pun intended. And yeah, it show. It was in some ways perfect. In some ways the darkest literature I've ever read.

[A]

Okay, well tell me some reviews. What did other people think?

[B]

Okay, so some favorites. Again, there weren't as many to choose from books I've done, but some favorites. One person gave two stars and the title was just gnomes really. And I'm like, what were you expecting?

[A]

Every time. Gave it all on the COVID in.

[B]

The title it's absolutely clear what's happening. Garden gnome sex party. I mean there's no. It's. That's it. The next one that interested me was four stars and it said the were turkey book was better, but this was a little gem. And at first when I read this, I was like, what? What were they trying to write? No, like I don't know. What. Turkey?

[A]

Yeah. Werewolves.

[B]

And then I was like, wait, Olivia, think bigger. Think bigger. In erotica, weird erotica, you can have sex with anything. Literally anything. So where? Turkey? I didn't look that up because I was frightened and confused. But that's a thing, apparently. And then someone just said 5 stars. How is anyone rating this below 5 stars? My only complaint is that it was too short. So you really have a little bit of everything. I would say largely they skew positive. There was one that just said Something like the song was so weird. And I was like, there's a song. And I was.

[A]

There's a multimedia component.

[B]

There's not like a website you go to and like to listen to the musical version, but.

[A]

Oh, my God, somebody should do that.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay, tell me about this book. Either the COVID copy, the official description, your own description, wet my appetite.

[B]

I can. It's too.

[A]

We're here for a reason. Why dance around it?

[B]

So. So it's a really straightforward story. It follows Jenny, who is just putting together her garden. She orders three garden gnomes. You know, so she's in the backyard. She takes them out of their box. She puts one by the koi pond. She puts one by the roses. She puts another one over there.

[A]

She puts.

[B]

She sits down, she starts to read a romance novel, and as one does, starts pleasuring herself in the backyard.

[A]

Oh, right.

[B]

That's very broad daylight.

[A]

Shailene Woodley, who said you needed to let your vagina touch the sun? What actress said something like. They had this.

[B]

I've never heard that phrase. I've never. I would remember if I had heard that before. That's an interesting idea, but it does seem very Shailene Woodley. So maybe. Anyway, so she's doing that, and then she, like, notices the gnomes are moving. She's like, oh, my God, what's happening? And she thinks that she's hallucinating when they start to, like, make moves on her, all three of them, and she's like, well, if I'm.

[A]

It's a reverse harem situation.

[B]

Right. She's like, if I'm dreaming, then I might as well just go with this because, like, it's great. I'm like, is it Jenny? I don't know. It would frighten me, that's for sure. Also, they have very high, like, squeaky voices, which is a detail, you know, Fanny need not have included. But she did. So that's the premise. And they just.

[A]

I have a logistical question.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

So lawn gnome. I'm thinking one to two feet tall. Do they grow or do they have outsized genitalia? How does it work? Okay.

[B]

Correct.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Yes. So it was a little bit confusing because in the beginning of the sexual encounter, they use their pointy hats instead of their. What I would later learn is called their gnome hood.

[A]

Oh, wow. So I like that they're being coy about it, even though it's a sex book about gnomes.

[B]

Right. And this is, to be clear, extremely explicit. Like, it's not. But, like, occasionally there'll be, like, Gnomehood, which. Which I just like. And so I was like, oh, they use their hats because it's a lawn ornament. So of course they do not have penises. No, they do. They have the hats and they also have penises that are the size. Actually, I think in the book it says, like, bigger than any man she's ever. Any human man.

[A]

How did she not know that? From, like, these garden gnomes have really big bulges that I ordered on Amazon. This seems like a defect.

[B]

So they kind of. It magically hides in their, quote, tiny trousers. Yes.

[A]

So magic is afoot.

[B]

Of course.

[A]

Yeah. I should have known.

[B]

Naturally.

[A]

I think we need to get into the text. You've set the scene. The COVID is something, but really, it is something. Let's get into the.

[B]

Can I. Sorry, can I first tell you what made me choose the book?

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Okay. So it feels important before we get to the quotes, to establish this. So I was like, I'll read it. And I got to, like, the second page and learned the names of the gnomes are Thudwick, Lupwin and Bimpo. And when I read those names, I said, long for the ride. I was like, bimpo, this is the best. This is the best thing I've ever heard. And, like, and also the worst in many ways. But Thudwick, Lupin and Bimpo. And I love the idea that this woman could have chosen anything. She could have done Harry, John and David. Like, it didn't matter. Like, it could have been. I don't know. I'm trying to think of, like, biblical names. Anyway, she chose Thudwig, Lupwin and Bimbo.

[A]

I can tell you right out of the gate, I already have a soft spot for Bimpo.

[B]

He's a wild one.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

He is. He's freaky. Okay, so some passages, honestly, there were a lot to choose from for this being only 25 pages long. But we'll start in the evening light. Her nipples were the same deep red as the gnomes. Pointy hats and just as hard.

[A]

That seems wrong. That seems potentially medically concerning the references.

[B]

To the hats throughout the use of them. It's. Yes, it's a lot. I will also say the phrase his tiny hands is used so many times in so many ways that I. I couldn't abide by it. It was upsetting to me. So there's that. And then the next one. We kind of touched on this a little bit, but he unzipped his little gnome trousers. Ew. Ew.

[A]

There's something about this that is so gross.

[B]

I told you. It's my most disturbing one yet. He unzipped his little gnome trousers and his gnome hood spilled out. And then I. I couldn't say all of this because it got very descriptive and I just can't say that on. On tape, but out of proportion with his little body, how had he ever concealed that in his tiny trousers? Like the emphasis on how small they are. Don't like it.

[A]

So I will say that I do appreciate that she is anticipating the questions I, as a reader, might have.

[B]

Yeah, she does a good job of that. And. Sorry, this next one, what Bimpo had done with his mouth and hat bimbo had made her feel like no man ever had. And they do some things like. I won't get into it.

[A]

Is it.

[B]

But there is a lot type thing.

[A]

Yes, okay.

[B]

Yes, it is.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

They're. It's not. They're not taking turns. It's.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Yeah. And as Jenny says, towards the end of the book, as the gnome fucked her and she. As the gnome fucked her and she pleasured his friends, she tried not to think about how ludicrous the situation had become. Having sex with three lawn ornaments come to life. It felt good. And that was enough.

[A]

It feels like the ending of, like, sports movie.

[B]

It felt good.

[A]

And that was enough.

[B]

And that was enough. Is that enough, Jenny? Look who you have become, bimbo. Ludwig, or whatever his name is. Sorry. Lupwin and Thudwick. I combined them. They all blend together at a certain point, let me tell you. Even though they do have personalities of their own.

[A]

This is interesting because I feel as though in most of these books there's really only two characters, but this one has many. Who was your favorite?

[B]

Oh, none of them. I hated this. This, though. It made me laugh hysterically. I felt deeply uncomfortable with all of them. The little vest, the little trousers, the disproportional body parts, the use of the hat.

[A]

Are they talking dirty? Do they talk a lot?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Yeah. Okay.

[B]

There's this thing they like to call a licky loo. And I won't get into it, but they have these little, like, gnome. And. And listen, of course, there's the inevitable. Their semen tastes like a certain.

[A]

What does it taste like?

[B]

I think they have a diet of sugar plums. So.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Jenny's like, wow, this is great. I didn't like them. I didn't. I thought they. And I thought they were a little presumptuous. You know, they literally just showed up and they looked under her dress and she was like, what are you doing. And I'm like, that's your first question. And, well, I mean, fair, I guess, but. And then, you know, they just. It just began. Like, the consent, I would say was there, but it was. At one point it was a little blurry, and I didn't like that.

[A]

I mean, you only have 25 pages. There's not a lot of time for debate about whether or not you're gonna have sex with the garden gnomes.

[B]

There was no debate. Jenny was. She was ready and she went for it. At one point, Bimpo, I think is like, what do you expect me to stare at fish all day? And I'm like, yeah, yeah, Bimbo. Bimbo, stay the fuck away. Like, what's wrong with you?

[A]

Yeah, bimbo. Based on your product description, there was no mention of gnomehood.

[B]

There was no mention of gnomehood. And really, that should be the first thing mentioned. Like, at some point, the gnomes may come to life and try to seduce you. Like, this should be bold, front and center.

[A]

At the beginning of the Amazon Surgeon General warning.

[B]

100%.

[A]

So you said this is the weirdest, most disturbing one you've read, but where would you put it on the chili pepper scale? 5 being off the charts, 1 being, you know, pretty tame vanilla, I would say 4.5. Wow.

[B]

I'm pretty sure there is, like a fist. I'm so sorry to say this, there is like a fisting scene. I kind of blew through it because I was.

[A]

Yeah, but what is fisting when it's a garden gnome?

[B]

Because, well, that's what's confusing. Yeah, that's what's confusing. So, like, is it. I don't know. I didn't linger there. I was like, not prepared to stay in that mental space.

[A]

I can't believe that we just got Olivia Mentor to say fisting on the podcast. If you ever run for president, I'm just gonna. I'm just gonna cut out this clip.

[B]

Okay, So a really funny side story is that when I worked at Bustle, this was the time of like every how to article that existed. Like how to curl your hair, how to line your lips. And we were at that point, every editor was publishing like 15 to 25 stories a day. This was like high volume content. And the sex editor we had wrote a story and it was how to fist and vividly. Remember the CEO, like, came into the office and he was like, who published this? And she was like, we are a sex positive website. Anyway, maybe bimbo read that he got.

[A]

The tips from you.

[B]

I did not read it. I mean, I didn't. I did read it, actually. I didn't write it, to be clear, but it was the talk of the company, so I had to read it.

[A]

Wow. This is my only Chili Peppers.

[B]

That's a lot fisting. It's. I mean, well, you have multiple partners. You have inanimate objects. You have a gnome hat. Gnome hood. Questionable fisting.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I see. I see where you are gnoming.

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

How would you rank this? We've done this. This is our fourth time around this block doing obscure erotica. If you had to rank your past choices for what is the criteria value and subjective quality.

[B]

Gosh, it's so. It's so hard because they're so different in what they offer. I would say comedic. Gosh, I think the door maybe is the funniest and also, like, better than this. Then I think this one. Then Shrek and Santa are kind of tied. They had a similar vibe, which is like, I had to work up to garden gnome sex party. You know what I mean?

[A]

Like, where do we go from here? Is a question I have.

[B]

I mean, where? Turkey? I think we already know.

[A]

Well, speaking of. So I did click on Fanny Tucker's name on Amazon to see, of course, her back catalog. And she's quite prolific. Four pages worth of.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Various strange erotica.

[B]

They're so short. I mean, you can just churn out one a day.

[A]

Did you dig into this author at all?

[B]

I did, I think, see something about a groceries themed one. I could.

[A]

There is one. Yes. Correct.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

There's one called Bagged by the Groceries.

[B]

Mm. Also, honestly, very curious about the logistics of that one. Like the gnomes. I was like, okay, they're gonna, you know. But what do the groceries do?

[A]

Great.

[B]

Question is, okay, anyway, what else? She's.

[A]

A lot of metallic vegetables in there. Like maybe a zucchini cucumber.

[B]

Yeah, that seems so. It seems like child's. Oh, that's not the phrase I want to use. That seems too simple.

[A]

Well, I mean, you can read it and find out. It is on Kindle Unlimited.

[B]

Well, I'm honestly.

[A]

It's 45 pages.

[B]

My Kindle is a place of darkness at this point. There is nothing. There is nothing pure about that Kindle anymore. It's. It's. It's been ravaged.

[A]

Can I read you the. Just. What is it called? The logline of bag by the groceries.

[B]

Mm.

[A]

When Ashley Dubois tossed the big fat cucumber in her shopping cart, she intended to put it in a salad. But the grocery Monster had another place in mind.

[B]

Oh, so it's Monster Radica, too?

[A]

I think so.

[B]

I wonder what place. I wonder what place. Becca, there's options. It's weird because in some ways, this little hobby we have of doing this, like, in some ways, it makes me fear for humanity. In other ways, I'm like, look at the human brain.

[A]

So I felt. Before I read mine, I felt very poo y about this because we just did it. I was like, oh, people are going to be annoyed that we're doing it again so close together. And I was like, I feel like I had probably two weeks ago, I'd gone on Kindle and found a bunch and downloaded them. And I was like, oh, these all sound dumb. Like, we've already explored what there is to explore. And when you read one, you're like, no, it's funny. There's new layers every time.

[B]

You know what I really liked about this one? I will say, tell me. It's, like, so short that, like, you're very confident that no one is actually becoming aroused by reading this. Which is much more comfortable. Cause you can just read it as humor, right? Whereas the longer ones, the Santa Clause is going to town on me and Shrek and the door. You're like, oh, people are. This is what does it for people. Which is fine. To each their own. But, you know, then you walk through the world a little differently. Cause you're suddenly at Starbucks and you're like, is it you, barista?

[A]

Are you the gnome fetishist?

[B]

You who's turned on by a doorknob? I don't judge them, but I do. It does change something.

[A]

Question. Do you have any lawn ornaments at your home?

[B]

No, and I will not have any.

[A]

Okay. I was gonna say, will this make you view them differently?

[B]

Yes. After dinner last night, we were walking out and I had been talking about this thing, and, like, we saw one, and it was. It was unpleasant. There was an aura of something I didn't like. So none. No, no, no. Gnome. No, for me, it's a gnome.

[A]

I'd like to tap into some of your creativity if this were to have a sequel. What would you like to see?

[B]

I would say, actually more music.

[A]

More music.

[B]

Yeah, I agree. I would like some sort of. Stay with me, like Magic Mike, you know, meets garden gnome. Sex party.

[A]

Yeah, Yeah.

[B]

I want them to perform some sort of, you know.

[A]

You know what I kind of see is, do you remember in Forgetting Sarah Marshall, where Jason Segel's character writes the Dracula musical? Like, I can almost see garden gnome Sex party being its own musical puppet show experience.

[B]

Yes, I agree. I really agree. You should actually download this one because it's so short and there's so much I didn't even get to.

[A]

Yeah, I feel like you're holding out on us for.

[B]

I said fisting.

[A]

You did say fisting. I mean, I. I plan to spoil mine to the point where I've left it all on the dance floor, but you're like, you can still read this.

[B]

My line is that I refuse to sing the song. It just feels weird. I will say what I will say. This is important to mention they have a sex song.

[A]

Is it like, hi ho, we're gonna plow?

[B]

Jenn is basically, yes.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

But then at the end of it, as soon as they finish the song, they all climax together.

[A]

Stop it. Stop it. How did you leave that out? How could you possibly have left that out?

[B]

Because I think my. My psyche was like, don't think of this, Olivia. You thought of it once and it was one time too many for a life. And then I was like, wait, the people obviously need to know this. I won't sing the song, though, because that. That would come back to haunt me in some way. It's just out of context.

[A]

Do you have a tune in your head that you're singing it to?

[B]

It's very much a hi ho, hi ho vibe. You know, like it's. It's. It's kind of nursery rhyme, but like, you know, sexual. So that's bad.

[A]

I think I do have to just peruse this book to understand.

[B]

You do have heartburn.

[A]

Unanswered questions. What if my reading next week is just like. And this week I read Garden Home Sex Party.

[B]

People seem to use this to add to their reading goals. So great, you know, if that's you out there. But I have questions for you because I think it's going to get darker quick.

[A]

It is. Let's take an ad break first. Are you tired of beauty products that only address a few of your needs? That's why I think prose hair care is so cool. I've been raving about it for literal years. But because it's completely personalized, what I get for my fine, frizz prone hair will be totally different than what you get if you have, say, very curly hair or very thick hair or literally any combination of needs or traits you can come up with. It's completely unique to you. And I think this completely custom approach is why I've seen so much difference in the visible effects from this brand versus anything else. I've tried.

[B]

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[A]

Quiz and I love that it evolves with me. So for example, I just did single process color for the first time to cover my grays. And so I told pros when I reordered and they made adjustments. But you can also adjust for anything if you want to turn up one factor or another. You want more or less fragrance, or if you have new hair goals. And don't just take my word for it. Prose is backed by more than 4,500,000 5 star reviews and a clinical study that proves that personalization works better. And they're going to put their money where their mouth is with their pros promise. So if you don't love your first order, it's on them.

[B]

Prose is so confident that you'll bring out your best hair and Skin in 2025 that they're offering an exclusive trial of 50% off your first hair care subscription [e-mail] bop so take your free consultation, get your one of a kind formulas and see the difference custom care can make with 50% off@p r o s e.com BoP. I feel like we need a, like a weird erotica song. Oh, yeah. Sort of like, you know, like a hype song.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

NFL has like, different than the gnome song. I want to be clear, but just kind of a hype song, like a steady drum beat of anticipation.

[A]

I kind of feel like Brian, our editor, might have a surprise up his sleeve. No pressure, Brian, but you know, if you do have any musical inclinations here, chime in.

[B]

I don't know. I don't know what, like, it means that if someone would hear what I just said and be like, I know exactly the thing. Like, I don't know if that makes me scared or like, very happy. I'm not sure. Okay.

[A]

Yeah. Can I just start with an apology? I'm so sorry to both you, Olivia, and the listeners for what I am about to tell you.

[B]

I. I don't think I'm prepared. Like, I always know with you that it's gonna be a level that I'm not prepared to go to. And I like that because it challenges me.

[A]

I was not prepared.

[B]

Okay. All right. The hint you gave me was chive pubes.

[A]

Correct.

[B]

Okay. I just, it felt both right and wrong. So my guess was The Pillsbury Doughboy.

[A]

Cold?

[B]

No, no. Okay. Cold. I honestly have no idea. Is it? I don't know. You gotta tell me.

[A]

Okay, so tell me the title. Today I would like to bring you. Hello, sharks. Today I've brought for you the Deviled Egg Made Me do it by Holly Wild. Obscure. Erotic. Erotic. Erotic.

[B]

No, no, no. God, no. Okay. All right. Wow. I'm. This is. It has a following. Oh, no. I just looked up the COVID Oh.

[A]

I almost, almost didn't pick it because of the COVID I thought the COVID was cheesy. I thought the COVID wasn't as funny as I wanted it to be.

[B]

It's erotica about a deviled egg. What are you looking for?

[A]

I don't know. I wanted more, but the minute I opened the book, I knew that this was the right one.

[B]

Jesus Christ.

[A]

So the COVID is hot pink.

[B]

Yes. Describe it.

[A]

The COVID is pink and then it has the outline of a penis, but at the tip of the penis is a hot pink egg with devil horns, very piercing green eyes and eyelashes and a like, evil looking smile.

[B]

Tell me right now. The razor sharp teeth do not come into play.

[A]

No.

[B]

Okay. Oh, thank God. Thank God.

[A]

In this illustration, there are horns, but there's not. There's no teeth. Action that I remember.

[B]

Do I need to ask why you chose this?

[A]

So I.

[B]

Before we get going.

[A]

Yeah, so I chose an answer. I downloaded like five. And I think what really sold me on this is I was unsold, but it was the first one I opened, actually, I downloaded a bunch. And it had a trigger warnings page that was so unhinged that I was.

[B]

Like, yeah, I got weird about eggs. You know, people do get easily grossed out.

[A]

So the trigger warnings page says content guide. This story is about a sentient deviled egg, emphasis on the devil part. Though he isn't demonic, nor is he possessed by any devil or spirit. There are uses of these terms. Anal play, leashing and pushing the female main character past her zone of comfort. All show up in the sex scenes in this book. All lovemaking is consensual and a safe word is given to ensure a good time is had by all. And the idea that there's like this disclaimer for the woman, for churchgoing women who. What they find offensive is the use of devil as opposed to the contents of this book is just.

[B]

It's like, in case you went into this thinking that it was a deviled egg who was gonna seduce you in, like a charming way, you should know it's actually not. It's. It is Right. Evil.

[A]

You saw the COVID you downloaded the book, and, like, that's the part that you're like, oh, man. Better turn back.

[B]

Human beings. So what. What are we doing in our brains? Like, this is just. I'm a little overwhelmed. What is the rating of this book? We'll start there.

[A]

Okay. On Amazon, it has 3.4 stars and 306 ratings. Yeah, so, like, medium popular, but not. Doesn't seem to be viral. Yeah.

[B]

Unbelievable that it hasn't hit the mainstream yet.

[A]

It will. Do you want to hear some reviews?

[B]

Oh, yes, of course.

[A]

This first one from Caitlin says, one star. Someone admit me to a psych ward in the title. And it says, I need to take me with you. I need to be sedated. After reading this, I don't know what I expected, but I got so much more than I thought possible. And Caitlyn, I agree.

[B]

Oh. Oh, okay.

[A]

This one from Melissa gave four stars, and the headline was, good thing I don't eat eggs. And then the review says, 12. 12 eggs. I will not emotionally recover from that fact.

[B]

What?

[A]

We'll get there.

[B]

I don't. Do I want to?

[A]

No, you don't. You don't. I'm positive you don't.

[B]

Wait, can I just ask? Just. I need to know. Hard boiled, right?

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

I didn't. I didn't know. You know, I heard egg and 12 eggs, and I got. It got scary. Okay. Anymore.

[A]

Actually different, but we'll get there. No, I think that about sets you up.

[B]

Any others?

[A]

I didn't save any other reviews.

[B]

Well, I mean, there's a lot to.

[A]

I have a lot of passages to read to you, so I went light on the reviews.

[B]

So before we get to the passages, give me the summary. The official summary. Yours.

[A]

I'll give you the official one. Uh, the description is, Shelby has been scrambling to get her life together for years. When things finally start to look bright, she decides a brunch with friends is the best way to celebrate this new chapter. But when a giant, horned and horny egg crashes the party and tries to get her to let loose and have fun, will she be able to resist his devilish charm?

[B]

Probably not. You'd think. But no.

[A]

Spoiler. No. Yeah. So, Shelby. There is no explanation for why her life has been going poorly. At one point, it's like, in one sentence, it's like, maybe the economy. Like, there's no description, there's no backstory.

[B]

Who needs it? Who needs it? You know?

[A]

Yep.

[B]

Wow. Well, straightforward. We're noticing a pattern in these books. You know, it's it's always something like this.

[A]

So I'm starting to learn the trademarks of the genre. And this felt very similar to Elf in terms of the setup. The act one, if you will. Like, woman is doing a task. All of a sudden, something turns sentient and she's turned on. And I was like, is it possible that Holly Wilde and Ginger Cain, who wrote Elf, are the same person?

[B]

Oh.

[A]

What I appreciate about this author, Holly Wild is that she maintains a very robust Instagram presence. I doubt Holly Wilde is her name. Her real name.

[B]

I would doubt that too.

[A]

But she has a robust Instagram presence. And there's a photo on her profile of her. She's wearing a mask. Like a. Oh, well, it's a Covid mask kind of, but it's like a devil mask. So just on the bottom half of her face, but you can, like, see her. Like, she's a person, and she has pinned her profile. It says, hi, I'm Holly. And then there's like, all these little arrows pointing to her. She's Mexican American, goes by she. Her pronouns. Peen. Cover Enthusiasts. Tattoos equal Love Language. Chaotic Pantser.

[B]

What cover?

[A]

Peen. Peen, peen. P, E, N. Penis Cover. Yeah. Like, all of her book covers. The book covers kind of follow the same convention.

[B]

Why was I thinking, like, a costume?

[A]

No. Hottie with a chronic illness body. Short and spicy. Like, this is the most I've ever known about any of these authors.

[B]

Also, Holly. So the Holly comes up a lot in the. Wasn't that the character's name in Elf?

[A]

Yes. Yeah. So I DM'd her the other one.

[B]

Oh, yeah. Oh, yes. Okay.

[A]

Yeah. So I DM'd her, and I asked as politely as I could if Ginger Cain was also a pseudonym that she writes under, and she said no. So I think it is just. Well, she was lovely. We had a very nice exchange. Yeah. So I think it's just the. The kind of genre convention.

[B]

Okay. There's just a lot of these people out there. It could be anyone. It could be your neighbor, could be you.

[A]

It could be me. What if I had just been using this to promote my own obscure erotica that I write under pseudonyms all this time?

[B]

I'd be really impressed, honestly. I did not write the Garden Gnome Sex party, for the record. But I did like the names. Maybe I would choose different names, but I like those. Okay. How did you find this book? Did you tell me this? You downloaded a bunch.

[A]

You said I downloaded a bunch. I think I just started by Googling weird erotica on Kindle Unlimited. And then I clicked into a few and then I went to the related titles and I kind of just went down a little rabbit hole. I don't know if I should tell you the ones that I didn't pick because maybe I'll use them in the future.

[B]

Oh, yeah, save them. I really want to get to the passages. Just hit me.

[A]

I have a lot to read to you, so. Okay, here's the first one. When she first encounters this man with no time to she's making deviled eggs in her kitchen for brunch. She's very stressed. She's very type A about her friends getting there and everything at the party being perfect. With no time to waste, I jog back to the kitchen and get ready to cook again. Only the room isn't how I left it. Before I left, I wiped down the basin and clean all the empty eggshells away. So why is there one giant shell the size of a dinner plate sitting in my sink? The toilet flushes from down the hall. I freeze in place as the door opens and footsteps start coming to the kitchen. Ah, fuck. Yeah, that feels better. Says the strange man inside my house.

[B]

Is it. It's an egg.

[A]

It's an egg, man. I'm not positive. I still am not positive what he looks like at this point, to be honest with you, I'm kind of picturing like a Cal. Do you remember the California raisins?

[B]

Sure.

[A]

Yeah. Like a big egg with legs.

[B]

That's interesting. My mind went to no legs, just kind of like Humpty Dumpty situation. But I actually think Humpty Egg. Humpty has legs. Traditionally.

[A]

Yeah, definitely legs. But okay, what's so wild is, first of all. So do you remember how in Elf, I felt like the male character really sounded like Hugh Grant? In this one, I picture the eggman sounding exactly like Mayhem from those. Those car insurance commercials.

[B]

I see that. Yes. From that quote, I. I kind of put that together. Yeah, that's a. It adds to the. The essence of it. Yes.

[A]

Yeah. And so what is interesting here, Good word. Is that she has no reaction to this. He says, don't worry, I only took a piss. So your bathroom is still pristine as ever. You got a towel, by the way. I didn't want to mess up your fancy folded one, so my hands are still wet. Thanks. I mutter. I've never dealt with anything like this, and I just want to get back to my party. Prep. Yeah, there's one over by the oven.

[B]

Just like I'm trying to prep for the Fucking party egg.

[A]

There's a giant eggman who has just used your bathroom. And you're not like, who are you? What's happening? You're just like.

[B]

I would immediately think I was tripping on something else.

[A]

She has no questions, literally.

[B]

She just wants to get back again, a running theme. Just don't question. The inanimate objects come to life.

[A]

It's not like an elf where it's like, I'm magically attracted to him. Let's go. It's like, I have no questions. I have deviled eggs to make. I don't have time for this.

[B]

Maybe it's to show her passion for eggs, you know?

[A]

Yeah. Like, and then he finds out that she tells him that she's stressed because she's having this party. And his eyes light up as he says, oh shit, we're having a party. Shuffling to the fridge, he opens it up and starts rummaging through the bottles. I've meticulously arranged a fucking love parties. We're not into the triggering part. We'll get there. So then she's having a lot of trouble de shelling the eggs. And so he starts de shelling them in a way that I find frankly, questionably cannibalistic.

[B]

Well, this is. Yes. Okay, so this is what I was.

[A]

Okay, so he's deshelling eggs.

[B]

Do we get a height on the egg? Are we talking like a six foot tall, six foot round egg?

[A]

Well, I don't know. I don't know.

[B]

Facial features.

[A]

I'll get there. Well, so it seems as though an egg. This one was very confusing. So he's previously described as a massive eggman with horns. That's the only description you get. So it was really like, choose your own adventure of what that looks like. But then later he takes off his shell and then he's like man, devil inside. So at this point I'm picturing. Yeah, egg. Yeah. So then he teaches her how to de shell the eggs and he does the ghost thing where he stands behind her and helps her peel.

[B]

I don't know why. That's the best thing I've heard.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That is so dark though.

[A]

It's so dark.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And it's, it's. I mean, it's only 32 pages, but there's much more buildup. Like they don't have sex right away.

[B]

They like, why, why would they? You know, they're just. There's eggs to peel.

[A]

She's unconcerned with what he's doing here. And like, he just loves parties. So then later this is on page six.

[B]

So like later on page six. I mean, this is.

[A]

It's a 32 page book, so it's like a fifth of the way into the book. She says. What's your name anyway? I ask my helper. He leans into me, bumping his arm into mine playfully before answering. Damien. Damien, the deviled egg. I tease. I look up at him and take him in. He's handsome for an egg. Round features with full cheeks that dimple when he smiles. Succulent lips rest just above a softly squared jaw. Large eyes of shamrock green look down at me, betraying every thought crossing his mind. And right now it's clear he's thinking about the way I'm studying him. Chicks love the horns. He flashes a grin at me as though I'm the chick he's talking about. Like I'm so confused about what this eggman looks like.

[B]

Yes, same. I'm upset. I think it's always.

[A]

You haven't even.

[B]

Oh, the taking off of the shell was too intimate for me. I don't.

[A]

We haven't even gotten to that yet. I thought he's gonna take it off. He hasn't yet.

[B]

Okay, just. We'll dive right in.

[A]

So I need you to know that in the lead up to this, there's a lot of talk about her having a stick up her ass because she's uptight about this party. So I need you to go into this knowing. So now we're on page eight. We're still not having sex. I watch as he peels two more eggs so easily before reaching for the last one. How do you do it? My voice is tinged with a bit of jealousy that I don't even try to hide. Looking at me with that smug smile of his, he says, what? How do I get all the ladies? It's all in my secret sauce, if you know what I mean. Rolling my eyes, I repeat my question. No, Damien, I don't want to know anything about your secret sauce. I want to know how you peel these eggs so they're so utterly perfect. Mine look like I deshelled them with a wrench. His touch is tender as he pulls me in front of him. Wrapping his arms around me. He places his hands over mine. Damn. He does. How long does have magic fingers? Don't know. Oh, this is when he ghosts her, like goes to the movie. And he stands and helps her peel the eggs. Okay, getting into part two. It's a turn on that he teaches her how to do something. So then they kiss and she says, I won't lie.

[B]

The bar is so low.

[A]

I won't lie. A part of me was scared he would taste sulfuric or curdled. In reality, his kiss is warm and salty, like creamy fresh mozzarella.

[B]

Jesus Christ. No. Who wants that in a kiss? You want a kiss that tastes of dairy? What's wrong with you?

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

So now here on page 10, it's getting steamier. And so she hears a cracking sound. And she looks around to see what's happening in her home. And the cracking sound is louder now. And I look at Damian to see what it is. The piece of shell I was holding earlier is starting to come apart again. It's clear to see why there is a tenting bulge pressing against the shell. In search of freedom, my eggman is ready to get fully undressed and show me just how hard boiled his body really is. Piece by delicate piece, he unclasps segments of his outer layer and reveals himself to me. So this makes me think that he was in a full shell. The who? I don't know.

[B]

I just need to say, Olivia, it's.

[A]

Gonna get so much worse.

[B]

Like, this is the worst. This is the worst mental image I have ever had. And I say this as someone who loves eggs.

[A]

It gets so much worse. I don't know what I expected, but what is standing at attention before me is not like anything I could have imagined. Honestly, it's even better. This monster is the most masculine man I've seen in a while. Muscles curved from a diet of lean protein. He's an egg. Are covered in curls of green hair that smell like chives, because they are. And I just can't wait to run my fingers through the tufts covering his chest like a living Easter egg. The bold stripes, zigzags and polka dots swirl around his rotund bulk in vibrant hues of pink, yellow, green and blue. Tattooed pecs and biceps flex as he strokes his lower half. A horned cock covered in designs as intricate as the one on his body. Mesmerized, I watch his hand wrap around a dick that's as thick as a baguette and nearly as long, beating the beastly thing like he's making an omelet. He strokes down to the tuft of pubic herbs before squeezing back up. Jail movement catches my attention and I look down to see that he has a tail like the true devil that he is. Lumps string along like beads until they disappear into his back. The bulbs forming his tail are egg shaped, and there has to be at least 20 of them. Reader, you can guess where this is going. Damian reaches down with his free hand and grips the tail to stroke it in time with his cock. Can you handle more?

[B]

No.

[A]

Larry's faces.

[B]

I wish we did like a video recording of this because I've never. Like, what? What? Truly, what is wrong with people? I feel like I've been violated. If I had a safe word, I would have said it. What the hell do. Okay, okay, okay, okay. I just have to say, why does the egg needed both a human penis and a tail?

[A]

I'll tell you.

[B]

I know, just. And chive pubes, which.

[A]

Yeah, I'm going to skip the sex because it's very graphic and I'm just going to kind of summarize, but he uses his tail as like anal beads. And he ends up putting a full dozen in her at one point. Yep.

[B]

No.

[A]

And so he's double penetrating her using his baguette sized penis and his egg tail. Logistically, do I know how that works? Like, is it coming through his leg? Is it like around his side? Like, how is the tail getting there? But it is. It just. It is.

[B]

You know what I hate the most about this is that knowing his body is like the texture of a hard boiled egg. Like, do we know that? I'm assuming.

[A]

Okay, I wasn't. But I can see where you got that.

[B]

I just don't like that. I don't like so much of this. Is there more?

[A]

Oh, it gets so much worse. It gets so much worse. So obviously he's a good lover. She comes. Here's a sentence that will haunt me. Thank God. His herbal pubes soak up my juices and release a fragrant smell into the air. Olivia looks so upset.

[B]

I. I don't know what to do with this.

[A]

So the part I found most upsetting.

[B]

Oh, great. Okay.

[A]

Yeah. Is after they have sex, he's like, go clean yourself up. She goes. She takes the shower. He's like, they've ruined the dining room having all this sex. They ruined it. And he's like, I'll put everything back together. And she comes back downstairs. I need to read it. I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I turn to Damian and find him putting the finishing touches on the deviled eggs. The perfectly shelled boats are filled with elegant piping and topped with paprika and chive. They look like they belong in a cookbook, not my little kitchen. I didn't even know I had chives. I say as I reach for one to try the flavors, stroking my Taste buds have me rolling my eyes into the back of my head. They are so fucking delicious. I look over and see Damien filling the last one with his secret sauce, squeezing the tip of his cock. A charming little flower of filling swirls into the boat, setting it down beside the rest. He takes a pinch of paprika and sprinkles the spices effortlessly onto the top. The final touches have him reaching for my kitchen shears, which he uses to clip a bit of chives from the space just above his balls.

[B]

I know you apologized beforehand, but I'm gonna need to just say it was not enough. I do. I demand. I demand restitution for this. I need to be. I need my memory. Right.

[A]

There's another universe in which the podcast just cuts out after I say that and we never do another episode again.

[B]

That's. And I say this with my whole chest. Is. That is the worst thing I have ever heard in my life.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It is the worst image I have conjured. It is the worst.

[A]

Absolutely.

[B]

It is the worst.

[A]

A hundred percent.

[B]

I. I don't know.

[A]

I know.

[B]

I don't know anything anymore.

[A]

I know.

[B]

I wasn't a huge fan of deviled eggs before this. Now can I ever look at one again?

[A]

It ends. Her friends arrive. He stays.

[B]

Great.

[A]

I'm not sure what state of shelledness he's in. Nobody has any questions about this strange eggman, and everyone is, like, asking him for his recipe for deviled eggs.

[B]

Do you feel changed? Like, after reading this?

[A]

I will never not know this, and that is upsetting. Like, I will never be able to sufficiently sanitize the inside of my brain. And I also, like, I know that I read that to you and that that was horrifying. The sex is so graphic. Like, there is so much more that I didn't burden you with.

[B]

I can guess based on that. The worst part of the experience for me was knowing where the deviled egg recipe was going.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And just seeing it unfold and not being able to stop it. Not being able to stop it even a little. Well, I was gonna have eggs after this.

[A]

Not anymore.

[B]

I. I don't know if I will ever have eggs.

[A]

Yeah. Fair.

[B]

Okay. Who was your favorite character?

[A]

I had no favorite characters. Like, nobody had fair. Shelby had no protective instincts.

[B]

Makes me yearn for bimbo. I'll tell you that.

[A]

I. I truly am picturing an egg talking like, mayhem from the car insurance commercials and, like, so unattractive.

[B]

That's what makes it an attraction.

[A]

I don't know. I don't know. Nobody Is my favorite.

[B]

Okay. Yeah, I would say that's fair. Yep. How do you assign chili peppers to this?

[A]

It's five.

[B]

Oh, God.

[A]

It is five. It taught me things about sex that I didn't know were possible, including. I mean, I don't know how she had 12 eggs in her asshole, but she did. It stretched. It stretched the limits of physics. It was five chili peppers.

[B]

Okay. Dare I ask what you would want to see in a sequel?

[A]

Fucking nothing. I don't want to see anything. However, that's not all I needed to see. I do feel compelled to tell you that when her friends come over to brunch, they're all the characters from Holly Wilde's other book. So it's an interconnected universe. So, I mean, maybe you could read the other ones as sequels, but I'm like, that's such, like, a twee. Charming detail for such a frankly, horrific, scarring book.

[B]

This. This is the worst thing that's ever happened to me. I can say.

[A]

I know. I'm so sorry. I apologized.

[B]

I think it is good that we saved it for second. I will say that.

[A]

Is anyone out there?

[B]

We're in it together now. We share. It's trauma bonding.

[A]

You know what? One of my favorite things is that listeners have reached out when we've done these episodes in the past, and they say that they listen to these with their husband. So I love that I'm not only getting to scar our listeners, but the circle expands. I'm getting. That wasn't an egg pun. That gets to. I get to scar even more people. I'm spreading the good word.

[B]

Well, I'm definitely gonna listen to this with Jake, and I'm not gonna tell him what yours is, so I can just watch the reactions, take a video.

[A]

Honestly.

[B]

What'S funny is that when I learned the concept of the eggman, I was like, this will be hilarious. And then it got so much more horrific than I could have ever prepared for.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

So we carry on.

[A]

We do. We persist.

[B]

We. We do.

[A]

Should we get into. I don't know, let's get out of.

[B]

The egg matter and into the end matter.

[A]

Olivia.

[B]

I don't really know what to say. How. I don't know how to be. Like, I'm obsessed with something. Like, am I obsessed with anything anymore?

[A]

Do I have the will to live?

[B]

Am I. Am I a shell of a human?

[A]

This has done things to you.

[B]

Oh, boy.

[A]

Okay, deep breath. Deep breath. We are professional podcast ladies now. We did not just talk about egg sex. So, Olivia, what are you obsessed with.

[B]

Well, okay, two things. One, I've talked about this a bunch. I was gonna say I'm obsessed with the movie. My Old Ass with Aubrey Plaza. It was just so different than I thought it'd be. So delightful. Such a tearjerker. So beautiful. Loved.

[A]

I've been meaning to watch this.

[B]

It's not what you think it's gonna be. It threw me off. It was so sneaky. I was on the edge of my seat. I was screaming at the tv. I was literally sobbing. It felt so good. And anyway, maybe I'll watch it this weekend. I highly recommend. It's on Prime.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay. So the other thing I wanted to talk about is I was inspired by Alicia Ramos to, from her newsletter to buy fleece lined leggings from Land's End. And they were so cheap, they were on sale. I'm wearing them right now. They're so cozy. I'm like. I've never been more pleased with a purchase.

[A]

Oh, I'm so happy for you. I have, like, a textural issue with fleece.

[B]

Oh, really?

[A]

Yeah, it makes my skin crawl.

[B]

Oh, well, maybe don't get them.

[A]

Yeah, but. But I love the idea of those. I keep seeing the ads for. Do you keep seeing ads for those fleece line tights?

[B]

Yes, I think anything warm is basically all I can think about right now, so. They sound great.

[A]

Oh, listeners, we didn't tell you Olivia's in her writing cottage for the first time today, so she's very chilly while she's recording. As it warms up.

[B]

Yes, it's raining. It's a very nice vibe. Okay, well, tell me your obsession.

[A]

So this feels very profane to tell you in this context, but it's not. So it's not a weird thing. I mean, it is a weird thing, but it's not what it sounds like.

[B]

I couldn't tell you based on the words you've put in this outline. What you're about to say, I have no idea.

[A]

So last night I went to the ballet, which is one of my favorite things. And there was this ballet on the program that I never heard of. The name of it is in French, and I will not try to pronounce it in French, but it translates to variations for a door and a sigh. And I feel weird bringing this because of the door of it all from two obscure eroticas ago.

[B]

Anyway, I mean, that's out of my mind now. It's only egg. So door seems harmless.

[A]

I'd never heard of this. It was choreographed by George Balanchine, who is, like, the father of American Ballet. He was the artistic director of the New York City Ballet from, like, the 40s to the 70s. He, like, choreographed the Nutcracker. So when I saw this on the program, I was like, oh, this is gonna be like a tutus, like, pas de deux type situation. Like, not super looking forward to it. Usually there's like three different things in the program. And I was like, okay, this'll be whatever, Olivia. It was the weirdest and best thing I've ever seen. It started, and it's a ballet for two people. And the soundtrack is just noise. Like, the soundtrack is a squeaky door and, like a lawnmower and, like, it's like weird ass noise. And the minute it started, I looked over at my friend Caitlyn, who I was with, and I was like, I'm obsessed with this and I don't know how to describe it. And I also looked up videos of it to try to find a video that I could show people of, like, what it was. It was the coolest, weirdest thing I've ever seen.

[B]

That sounds great. I love cool, weird things. I feel. Sounds really unique.

[A]

I feel high. Like, I walked out of there and I was like, I just experienced something.

[B]

I love that. I love that.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

Creatively stimulating. Cool.

[A]

So even 12 hours later, I'm still on a high.

[B]

It's a nice high. Yeah, it's nice.

[A]

Yeah. Speaking of highs, you discovered, like, a new favorite book this week. I saw on Instagram.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Tell me about your reading life.

[B]

January's been such a good reading month for me. This book that I am obsessed with, it's called Wild Dark shore by Charlotte McConaughey. I think that's how you say it. This was one of the books that Tao Tai talked about in our reading preview. I picked up one of her books before, but I just never finished it for some reason. She has two books called One is Once There Were Wolves and the other one is Migrations. Heard a lot of good things about both. She's known for, like, climate fiction, which is not something that I'm usually drawn to. Anyway, I got this book. I thought I would like it. The premise is there is a man and his three children living on this island. This base in. It's like an island near Antarctica, basically. And their job is to take care of this seed storage. So, like, all these different seeds of the earth, like, protecting them in the case of climate change, and, like, you know, promoting the growth of all of these plants, blah, blah, blah. So one day on this island, a woman Washes to shore and she's like very badly hurt. They have to nurse her back to life. And so the whole story is like a mystery about why she's there. And then I don't want to give too much away. It is unbelievably good. Like, it is the twistiest book I have ever read. It is twistier than any thriller I have ever read. Like, kept me guessing to the very end. On the edge of my seat. Like breathless in terms of the suspense.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[B]

But it's very, I would say, I mean it's, it's literary, but it's like very readable. The character development, unreal. Every character was just completely formed, unique. The descriptions of the place are beautiful. I mean like, I was just swept away. It is so smart, so moving. I cried. I ended the book and I literally was like, should I just never write another word. Do you ever read a book so good that you're like whole?

[A]

Yeah, you're like.

[B]

Or like, what am I doing? And it is about climate change. So there are some very dark themes. And also trigger warning. There is a theme of like a fire that destroys a home, but blown away. Blown away. This is out March 4th or 5th. I've never read anything so good.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

I. It's so good. And I'm gonna go read her other books like immediately.

[A]

So I feel like, oh no, you read Hartwood last year. I was gonna say, like you have read two all time favorite life changing books in the past. I guess two months.

[B]

I've been reading a ton and I've had a lot of success. So it feels really good. I also finished this week the Force of Such Beauty by Barbara Borlan, which I've been wanting to read for a very long time. I also loved it. It's kind of hard because I was so obsessed with Wild Dark Shore. I feel like the force of such beauty gets kind of downplayed. But it was also just so, so good. It's actually like on my list if we ever do a backlist book club pick. Cause I think it would be great. It is a fairy tal story with a spin. It's about an Olympic athlete who gets injured and she ultimately falls in love and marries the prince of this very small European country. That's fictional, but it feels very real. And it's this like very poignant commentary on like the princess narrative. And it's just great. It's really, really good. If you have a book club and you want something to read that would kind of please a lot of different people, but, like, leave a lot for discussion. Great pick. So, yeah, I love this one.

[A]

I have this one. And I was not super compelled by the COVID copy, but this sounds really interesting. I'll have to bump it up my list.

[B]

I would say it's a little tiny bit slow in the middle, but ultimately it paid off for me. Huge twist at the end. So if you love a book where you close the book and then you sit there and think about it for a while, which I always do. Definitely for you.

[A]

I didn't finish anything. I mean, the Deviled Eggman put me off reading. Apparently, I've shocked her. Understandably. But tell the listeners about our February book club pick.

[B]

Yes, our February book club pick is Isola by Allegra Goodman. This is like a historical fiction epic saga of a young woman in the 1500s or 1600s, can't remember, but who ends up on a trip to the new world from France to Canada, and through a series of events, winds up marooned on an island with her lover and her, like, lady in waiting. And it's about how they survive. And it's based loosely on a true story. So a little different of a vibe, but perfect for getting swept. Swept up in. And they're polar bears.

[A]

Amazing. So, again, I'm sorry, our book club.

[B]

Pick is the Deviled Egg.

[A]

No, it's not. It is not. But I do apologize again. It's all I can do.

[B]

It's all you can do.

[A]

If you stick with us. My hat's off to you. My shell off to you.

[B]

Oh, dear God.

[A]

If you want to trauma bond over this, you can join us in the Facebook group or in the Geneva group. You can also find us on Instagram atonpaperpodcast. I am on Instagram beccamfreeman and my substack newsletter is becca freeman.substack.com and I.

[B]

Am on Instagram oliviamentor and all the places oliviamentor.

[A]

And we will see you next week.

[B]

Bye.