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Bawdy Storytelling
Episode 19 - Bottoms Up
00:46:21
'Bottoms Up' means what you think it means, but so much more!
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Transcript27 lines
- [00:01]
Host
Bend over, baby and let me drive.
- [00:04]
Bend over, baby, let me drive.
- [00:19]
Your angles all right.
- [00:22]
Sam Solo
Bend over, baby. Let me drive.
- [00:32]
Host
Drive.
- [00:56]
Hey, everybody. Welcome to the Body Storytelling Podcast. We are up to episode 19. Aren't you proud of me? I am sticking with something. And speaking of sticking with something, this week I have my big 10 year anniversary show. 10 years. 10 years of people telling stories about their buttholes. And it seems appropriate that we would do an episode about butts. Possibly. We're gonna call this one Bottoms Up. For the longest time, people kept saying, you know, would be a great theme for a show. Why don't you do a them anal? And I was like, I'm scared of that theme. That's a lot of poop. And two hours worth of poop is just too much poop for me. But then it occurred to me in an especially brilliant moment that bottoms up means so much more than just anal. Bottoms up also means drinking. Could be stories of drinking. It also means submission. And I like it when you can find an umbrella theme and fit your stories to that theme. And that way, people don't shut themselves down. They'll think their most clever thoughts. And this week we have some really clever stories. We started this episode with Buck Naked and the Bare Bottom Boys song Bend Over Baby and Let Me Drive, which I think is just about perfect. I don't know if you know who Buck Naked was, but he was a San Francisco musician who died about 24 years ago when he was walking through Golden Gate park, probably about four blocks from where I was living when I first moved to San Francisco from the South. And he was killed by what I was told was a homeless man who got mad because he shooed away the pigeons. His musical legacy is amazing. Check out their music. They were an incredible band. So you're listening to this for stories. So let's get right into stories, shall we? This first story is from a performer named Sam Solo, and this was his first and only time on stage at Body Storytelling. So far. That means, sam, let me know. I want you back, because I bet you got a million stories. This is Sam Solo in a story that was told live on stage in San Francisco at Body Storytelling.
- [03:17]
Sam Solo
So I'm kind of a sports fan, and I'm kind of a fetish model. That might seem like sort of an odd combination, but if you had been following my Twitter feed during the Giants World Series, you would know that there are, in fact, a lot of fetish model sports fans in the Bay Area. Now, through being a fetish model, I actually recently discovered that there are people, there are more than one ways to be a fan of sports. Let me say there are people who enjoy athletic competition in sort of a different way than you would generally think, if you know what I mean. Now I learned this because one such person booked me. I got booked for a site called Ultimate Female Grappling. It's a local site. Big shout out to Jeff, who runs that site. Now, I didn't really know anything about the wrestling fetish genre, but you know, I'm from the South. I know about wrestling. Like child rearing and hand to hand combat in the south is basically the same as it was in ancient Sparta. Like pretty crucial, pretty crucial to what they're trying to instill in the young people. So I knew that it was this, you know, this really intimate thing. And when you wrestle somebody, eventually pretty much every part of your body is going to touch every part of their body. Faces get smashed into asses, crotches grind in. Like your skin gets all slippery and you're just sliding around. You're basically at different points depending on the match. You're kind of humping each other. So even though it wasn't necessarily a fetish, I knew a lot about it wasn't that hard for me to sort of imagine that it would be somebody's fetish. But I didn't really know what to expect on my first shoot. Well, like a good little porn boy, I showed up with my, you know, my outfit at the right place at the right time, ready for whatever happened. So I walk in and the site or the shoot location is a real martial arts dojo, complete with like these bro posters with like slogans like never surrender, never quit. Pain is weakness leaving the body. You know, that kind of stuff.
- [05:35]
Host
But.
- [05:37]
Sam Solo
It was wall to wall mirrors, which was really porny and felt right, that was. And the guy that was running the shoot was very sweet. He was clearly like, this was his thing. And he was a very clean cut looking gentleman. And he told me what he wanted, which was really just straight competitive wrestling. No play acting, no overtly sexualized stuff, just wrestling. Do your best. And I, you know, all right, that sounds pretty easy to me. Then he introduced me to the woman that I was supposed to be wrestling. Her name is Mistress Kara. And that guy knows she looks absolutely fucking lethal. The first thing that I thought of when I saw her instantly came to my mind was the 90s television show Xena. She had the same long dark hair and the same sort of warrior princess physique, just like rippling muscles like an Olympian from head to toe. Her thighs were basically like my waist, and her biceps were basically like my thighs. Like, everywhere you looked, it was just like this bulging, glorious, glamorous, powerful figure. And she's standing there with her little spandex shorts and a bikini top with just the most murdery eyes. Like, very, very pretty, very nice to look at, but the eyes are just coming for you. And I'm standing there and I'm wearing, like, these teeny, tiny little blue shorts, the kind that teenage girls wear as pajamas, the little flimsy ones. I don't know if you guys have seen those. And that's all I'm wearing. And you know, I weigh 130 pounds. You can sort of get a good look. I'm not exactly an imposing figure, so it must have really looked like something straight out of a wrestling fetish magazine. Just like this hulking sort of Amazon princess and tiny pipsqueak. Luckily, I did not have enough time to get well. I had enough time to get nervous, but not enough time to back out because pretty much I was in a headlock fairly shortly after being introduced to this person. And so she's got me here, my face smashed into the side boob, and just the feel of the hardness of the muscles in her side is a little already intimidating. And then I go to grab and try to loosen the pressure on my neck a little bit, and her arm does not budge at all. And for the next nine and a half minutes, Mistress Cara taught me the true meaning of the phrase, like a rag doll. Whatever Mistress Cara wanted to happen next was what happened next. Even though I was trying my absolute level fucking best, I had no chance. She's just too strong. She was stronger than she even looked, and she looked intimidating as hell. You know, I'm just getting pinned down, slammed, like, thrown a little bit, like, through the air. Every part of my body is just, like, getting slapped and ground into this mat. I'm getting red splotches, like bruises. My rib, I think, actually was injured for a little bit. Questions at the end, please. Ultimate female grappling. Give it a look. And so she's just killing me. I'm. I'm after maybe the first. Yeah, like I said, maybe the first 30 seconds. I just try him to survive. I'm not trying to put her in, like, a hold or anything. Like, she's kind of doing, like, almost at some point, I realize that she's just kind of putting on a clinic, literally just practicing things. Like, you know, what would be cool if I Did this to him. That is cool. What about one of these? That's pretty cool too. And I can tell. I don't know if Mistress Cara had wrestled dudes before, but I could tell that she was definitely getting a little bit of a thrill out of it. The smile was definitely for real. Now, even though I'm getting destroyed, I'm still trying to perform a little bit. And she is too. She's trash talking, but nothing very sexual at all. Just kind of like, oh, yeah, it's the best you can do. You're not so tough. Nothing really. But then she slams me onto my face. She's been slamming me a lot, so I'm not that big of a deal at this point. She gets my. Basically my entire lower body, like my ankles and my knees in this, you know, MMA jiu jitsu, twist maneuver thing. And she's just wrenching on me, wrenching on me. I'm flat. I'm flat on my face. Just. I'm kind of hoping it's almost over. Really? Really. I know it's a 10 minute match, but it feels like I've been here a week getting my ass kicked. She's wrenching me and wrenching me, and she says something that I definitely was not expecting to come out of her mouth. She says, if you want me to let you go, say please, Mommy, stop dirty. So now it's just changed the whole dynamic. Before, I was just losing a fight. Now I'm like truly getting dominated. And I realize this woman, this powerful, beautiful person, has totally taken my power by force. Like, I didn't have a negotiated scene where she asked me what she could do. She took it. She took what she wanted. And I really like feeling like sort of small, helpless little creature. And then she. She tapped right into that. Apparently she spied it on me or something. And so I'm sitting there and I'm like, wave of shock upon first hearing it, and then quickly followed by a wave of arousal. But I'm too embarrassed. Like, not only is it an embarrassing thing to say, I'm very embarrassed by how turned on I am by the fact that she wants me to say it. But, I mean, my choices are I can sort of fuck up the shoot a little bit by asking, like, being like, timeout, that's a little past my boundaries. Or I can sustain permanent ligament damage because you never want to be able to hear your body and make sound, like, hear it breaking, like, straining to, like, survive. So I submitted. I'm there my, you know, physically exhausted, flat on my face. And I just had to say it. I didn't know what else to do. I was too flabbergasted at this point to think of anything else. So I said, mommy, please stop. She bursts out laughing, of course. Makes it so much better. And you know, since that day, I've actually found out that it's not that uncommon for the girls to slip in these little improvised naughtiness. I've had girls, like, give me wet willies, spanx wedgies. I had a woman grab me by the back of the hair in the middle of a match completely. No director told her to do this. It's just what she decided was the best move. She grabbed me, started slamming my face into her crotch and said, you don't know where this pussy's been. Which was true. I had no idea where that pussy had been. We just met. So, you know, I've had experience with that. So since then I had sort of saw that that was something that people do. But in that moment, I'm just lying there on the mat just like, whoa. Also have just gotten beaten up in addition to this weird headspace thing. And I'm just thinking I could definitely tell from the get go that she could probably kick my ass. But I was really surprised that she knew the exact right thing to put me in my place. And I really, really liked it.
- [13:58]
Host
This boy is a bottle this boy is a bottle.
- [14:19]
God damn, that song was drag. Fabulous, wasn't it? That was Willem Belli and the song is called Boy is a Bottom, which is pretty fucking appropriate for the story before it. So as you've heard me talk about on the podcast, we have been doing Epic Month in the San Francisco area to celebrate 10 years of body storytelling. And just this past Sunday, a couple days ago, we did a show. Well, we did two shows back to back. We did a body slam, which was a real people getting up, telling stories they've never had a place to tell them before. Stories about sex, stories about kink. We had an astounding number of swingers in the audience. I was really surprised at that. And we followed that up with Bawdy Got Me Laid. Because I have been told stories for 10 years about the things that happen when people step off the stage. About how they led people down the path to whatever they were looking for, how getting on stage got them so laid. About how they fell in love and got Marri over Bango, our dirty bingo game. And it was hours of stories from behind the scenes at the show. And it was amazing to get to hear them all in the same room to hear how much this show has meant to everybody and the community that has built up around this one storyteller in particular. Gil told about how he just started a business because he was invited to an event after meeting people at Bodi that he felt awkward, that he felt like he didn't fit. He was a loner, and all of a sudden he had this huge community of friends. And that's what Bodi does. Bodi creates community. One of the things we'd like to do with this podcast is create community beyond the confines of the venues where we bring the show. That means that you get to listen to it on your headphones and that hopefully you're gonna support our Patreon to help us keep growing this thing so that people can have it everywhere. Our patreon is@patreon.com bawdy spelled b a W. And we are creating exclusive content. We're gonna have some of the stories from Body Got Me Laid and Body Slam and other rewards if you sign up for supporting our Patreon. My passion is live shows. I love putting people in a room and letting them find the thing they're looking for. And we're doing this through a podcast now. And you supporting that podcast means that we can keep getting bigger and better every single week. So go to patreon.com support what we're doing, and tell your friends and thanks in advance.
- [17:07]
Bexie Stark
Okay, so I lost my butt virginity to a crusader of justice. And even though, you know, I feel like I did my small, tight, but whole sized part in fighting for justice and righting the wrongs of our criminal system, and I'll explain that you're like, wait, what the fuck just happened? So I have always been obsessed with butt sex. At a young age, I think it probably started my mom had a vast library of Harlequin novels, you know, the really, like. And she would keep them on, like, the really smutty shit was like, on the top shelf. And I would like, climb up there in the playroom and, like, grab it and take it down. And I, you know, I didn't know exactly what was going down in the novels, but I knew when it was like a throbbing man shaft and like a love knot that I was like, I'm pretty sure that's maybe the butt. Maybe the butt. That's the butt sex thing. So that was like when I first heard about it. And then I grew up in the south as many other people here this evening that performed. And in the south, it's interesting A lot of really good Christian girls take it in the butt before they do it in the vag. And that's to preserve the hymen. Because Jesus loves the hymen. Jesus loves the motherfucking hymen. But apparently he's got. He has no time for the butt. He's like, do whatever you want in the fucking butt. So that was wrong. Whoever. Like, whatever. All the assholes who are like, against same sex marriage, I'm like, duh. All the Christian girls know you can do it in the butt as much as you want. So they did. And I mean, I grew up, I'm Jewish, and so we're like, totally cool with like normal sex because we're just trying to make Jewish babies. We got issues, people. So I was just like, okay. So all these girls at school would just be like, oh, he used peanut butter and put it in my butt. And I'm like, what the fuck? So I'm learning these things, but at the same time, as much as I'm obsessed with it, I'm terrified of it. It's kind of this like, cipher, you know, like this thing that's like, I think about it all the time. And even to the point that in college I started to develop this phrase, I would just say, stick it in your butt as like, as my shalom, like as a hello and goodbye. So I would like, see people and be like, stick it in your butt. Stick it in your butt. Stick it in your butt. People were like, oh, that's Becca. She loves to say stick it on your butt. I would like, text people, organize this well known phrase, but it stick your, like all the time. So. And. But I was living a fucking lie because I had never stuck anything in my butt. Like maybe some digits, but, like, really not legit. And I was so, like, just enamored with it. And yeah, and it was a problem because I had never. I had never stuck it in my butt. And I would talk about it all the time. And also in college, I gained. Luckily, you know, my world opened up and North Carolina is a. Can be a smaller place. And I actually met some gay men who were actively out there having the butt sex. And so I would go to them to ask for. I was like, okay, so like, is it like, like, what do I eat? Do you like, shower? Like, do you like, say like a prayer? Like a rain dance? Like, what happens? What do I. And they would, like, give me their advice and then talk to me about, like, how they do it. And everyone had, it seems like different systems I don't know. I don't feel like there's, like, one thing. Maybe I'm wrong, but I just was like, God, I don't. I don't know. Like, I'm. And I had serious relationships with guys who would, like, very sweetly and nicely ask for it, but I was always like, no, my vagina's magical. This is enough. I'll just keep the butt sex on this pedestal. The butt sex pedestal. So, yes, I arrived in San Francisco with the butt virginity intact. And this is as of October. So, yeah, right. I mean, what the fuck, right? I don't know. So even though still always talking about the butt sex, and I'm going out on a Friday night, this is maybe like a month ago. We go out on a Friday night, like, just a normal fucking Friday night in San Francisco, which is not a normal fucking Friday night ever. And I meet up with a friend of mine, and he's like, yeah, I'm inviting some friends. One of these guys is like, the most eligible bachelor in San Francisco. And I'm like, all right, what's the deal with this guy? Well, he went to Harvard Law School, and he just. He's like this big fucking deal. And he's really tall and handsome and, like, all of that stuff. So I immediately. I'm like, okay, he's gonna be a huge douche, Wade. But I'm sorry if you went to Harvard, but, like, I'm just gonna be a douche. And he's probably gonna be wearing khaki, and he's probably gonna be like, oh, I only use Uber, or whatever. So, like, that's all that, you know. I mean, you know what I'm saying? Like, where they're just like, that's how I get around town. And I'm like, yeah. Cause that's really fucking feasible for all of us. Yeah. So he does show up, and he is pretty much all those things, but he is also extreme. He is very attractive. He's attractive. He's kind of like a boyish charm and floppy blonde hair and tall and built well. And I'm like. I notice these things, but I'm also like, whatever, you're a douche. And I don't really talk to him much that evening, but I do hear snippets of his conversation. And he keeps saying, like, my big case. My big case that I like, you know, that he had today as whatever lawyers do. And I'm like, okay. He probably. It was, like, defending Monsanto or some awful shit like Enron or whatever. Like, that's what he's been doing today. We go to a couple more bars. Finally, we end up at his lovely home in Noe Valley, because that's where the nightcap is. I'm still with my two friends who had brought me along, and I'm kind of ignoring him still. And we get into his house, and on the kitchen island is a San Francisco Chronicle. Right? That's the newspaper. Yeah. Word, okay. Print is not dying. Yes, it's the San Francisco Chronicle. And on the floor, front page. He points to it and he says, this is the case I was talking about. And there's a picture of an adorable elderly black woman who's, like, crying. She's weeping, and she's kind of, like, wiping her eyes. And then there's a white hand on her shoulder. And he's like, that's my hand. And the hand of fucking justice. And the headline is, oakland Man Exonerated from Life Sentence. This motherfucker got a dude off of his life sentence on his Friday. Like, I ate pretzels at work. He. That's what he did. So I'm like. All of a sudden, I'm like, flip mode. I'm like, this motherfucker is a John Grisham novel. That's what's going on in here. That, like. And I'm So. Now I'm like, 180. I'm total. I'm like, Beamer, like, so, like, lasered into him. And I'm like, holy crap, this guy. I mean, like, now I have to do this for, like, justice, right? Like, that's how this is. So my friends are like, yeah, we gotta. We gotta go. We're back. Like, we gotta. We're tired. We're done. And I'm like, oh, we haven't even smoked weed yet. And nothing's over in San Francisco until you smoke weed. So I gotta stay. So he. They leave, and he produces a bowl, which was all a farce for me, like, you know, wanting to be naked with him. Because, I mean, he did this thing, you know. Like, he saved this dude's life, basically. And then all the woman. If you guys could see this woman's. But you have all it. Every one of you. This. Like, it's crazy. The picture is crazy. I can't even look at it to this day because I just. I lose my mind. So he. As soon as they leave, he puts down the bowl that we were gonna smoke, and it's like, he's like, come here and, like, sit on my lap. Like, come over here. And he's Very. And I can see how like, juries are just, you know, like putty in his hand. Because I'm just. I like. So I end up on his lap and we're like making out furiously. Like we both just got out of fucking prison and we're just like all over each other. And he's being really aggressive, which I'm surprised cause I kind of like, I said he had this kind of boyish face and even though he's like tall, I just. I didn't get like a super, like, aggressive man vibe from him. But he's definitely like doing some. He's throwing me around and being pretty intense. And then he's like, let's go down to my bedroom. We go down to his lair and it's definitely like a Harvard man's lair. He's got mahogany, like, shelves filled with leather bound books, like Anchorman's Situation. And then there's like nautical themed stuff. And the platform bed is like, really obviously expensive. And it's one of those mattresses. It's like you're sitting on a fucking cloud. Like an amazing cloud. Like, I would have just had sex with him just to be on this mattress. It was so good. It was so good. So we get on the mattress and we're like completely naked and he's just like going to town. Like, he's really. He's biting a lot and he's like. I'm like, I really like my nipples, but. Whoa, holy shit, you're really gonna bite them off. It's like that scene in Game of Thrones where they slice that dude's nipple off. Like, that could have happened to me. Yeah, it was really intense. But he's doing. I'm kind of like, I'm trying to be a pain slut. I'm trying, but like, I'm really not actually that into people biting off pieces of me. So he's doing that and he goes. He does go. He goes down on me aggressively, which I am into that. And because I feel like a lot of the men I've hooked up with in San Francisco have been a little timid and maybe I'm like a little. I don't know. This guy definitely wasn't. So I'm pleased with this. And I'm like, please continue your case. Lawyer men do what you do. Of course. And like, just. I have to say, he was in briefs, obviously. Hello. So then he. He. We're like, you know, doing all. Getting into the actual sex stuff. And we do like. And I have to say too, about his package, it was not like, super aggressive, you know, Like, I thought he was pretty tall and he was gonna be packing some heat, but it wasn't like, you know, I wasn't like, okay, this is, like, too crazy. So when. When we final. When he, like, flips me over and like, I said, you know, I have. I. When he says, I want to stick it in your butt, those. I mean, those are the magic pass. That's the password. Like, I've been saying that my whole fucking life. And every man who's tried to have butt sex with me before has always presented, like, a really eloquent case. And you'd think the lawyer would present a really eloquent case. But he says, fucking, I want to stick it in your butt. And I was like. Like, I felt like it just. He fucking said the words. And then on top of that, he. I. And I was like, I've never done it before. And he was like, here. This was his case. I've got a lot of lube, and you're gonna regret it if you don't do it. And I was like, okay, case fucking closed. I mean, he said, stick it in your butt. Lube, regret, okay? All those things are, like, hot button issues for me. So. And again, like, I said, like, I had sized up his penis. I looked at that cock, and I was like, you know what? That is not a weapon of ass destruction. I can take that. I can fucking take that. I think. I think. And you know, I'm not gonna over analyze this. I'm gonna fucking do it. I know. I'm, like, dropping, like, grandpa puns about ass sex. It's horrible. Sorry. I know. Dixie's like, I fucking hate puns. And I was like, I have so many butt puns, so just prepare yourself. Sorry. Sorry, Dixie. Happy birthday. So, yeah, so he says all the magic words, and then he's got all the magic lube, and he really goes to town out like, I'm a fucking stack of pancakes. He's just like, so much lube. And I was like, oh, my God. I was like, I mean, like, I can't even, like, stay on the bed. I'm like, I'm just, like, all over the place. So much lube. And honestly, at that point, I mean, you could have probably driven a Mack truck into my ass and I wouldn't have noticed.
- [28:13]
Host
This is.
- [28:16]
Bexie Stark
And. And then he fucking. He sticks it in my butt. He sticks it in my butt. And. And I know ow the time it happened. And, like, as it's happening, I'm like, oh, my God, he's sticking in my body. Sticking butt. Stick your butt. Stick your butt. Like, I'm saying the words that I've always been saying and it's actually happening and no one's there to witness it. Isn't that lame how that happens in sex? I mean, I'm really jealous of sex workers because it's always someone to witness that cool ass. Like, usually, you know, like, if someone's filming it or whatever. But it was just alone and it was just the two of us. And I was like, man, no one's here to see this. And I can't even update my Facebook right now. Can't even do that. So he's. He puts it in and I don't feel. I don't feel pain. I don't feel searing pain. And I had had all these thoughts about, like, there was going to be searing pain and, like, my ass was going to become, like, a gaping wound. And Jenna Jameson was immediately going to be like, my asshole's just like that. And I was like, oh, how'd that happen? And, like, all these things were going to happen, but they didn't. And it wasn't searing pain. I more felt, like, full. Like when you have a food baby, but a food baby in your butt. That's what it felt like, pretty much. And then I started to feel pretty good, and I was kind of working my own love button. I was, like, doing my thing and I was like, shit, I think I might actually come this way. I don't usually come that way from behind when it's, like, in my vag, but now it's in my butt and I'm, like, working in. He's like, and I don't know. And also I'm like, yeah, fuck me like the criminal court system. Fuck me like a corrupt cop. Like, just like. I'm just thinking about all this shit, you know? Like. Like his day, you know? And. And then I act. I come, and I'm like, whoa, I just came from butt sex. Like, this is just. So much is happening. So much is happening. Yeah, he pulls out. Actually, I think he tries to kind of cross pollinate, which is not a cool thing, right? You can't just put it out. Pull out of your butt and put it in your. Right, right. I was like, I'm new to this, but I don't think you're. Because he's like, yeah, let's do that. I was like, wait, no, you gotta, like, switch condoms and shit. Right? Right. Okay. All right. So he didn't Know that, lawyer man? I was like, don't know. That's not cool. Like, fucking. You're thrown out of court, asshole. We do continue to fool around after he puts on a new condom. Whatever. He goes to bed. I go into the bathroom, and I just, like, look in the mirror, and I'm just like. I'm just like. And then I'm like, okay, moment of truth. I'm gonna go to the bathroom and see what happens. So I go to the bathroom. My organs do not fall out of my butt, which I thought would happen. I thought everything that had ever been inside me would come out. I thought, like, shit would just stream everywhere. It would be like a real shit show. But it was not. And my butt still felt pretty elastic. Like, it was still like a little balloon knot. It's pretty good. So I was like, man, this butt sex stuff is fucking great. In the morning, he has to go, like, exonerate more people. People from wrongful charges or whatever he does. And I have to go home and, like, eat my feelings. So I, like, come. I leave his beautiful house in Milli Valley, and, like, I'm just walking around and I'm looking around and I'm thinking about, like, all the lovely, like, lesbian families at home who are asleep. And I'm just walking down the street, and I'm like, I need to call, like, a thousand people. But there's three main people I call first. I call my gay best friend, and I'm like, I get it.
- [31:35]
Host
I get it.
- [31:36]
Bexie Stark
I know what it's like to be you. And he's like, no, you. You don't. He was like, how big was it? How big was it, girl? And I was like, well, not big. He was like, well, call me when you get a big one. Then you'll know why I'm a top. And I was like, okay. I mean, he was throwing some shade at me, but he was also. He was like, yes, I can. Yes, good girl. Good for you. And then I text one of my best friends and, like, just all cap letters, like, butt sex, butt sex, butt sex. And she's like, at a work thing, and she's like, my Jesus Christ. Like, easy with that. And then I have to call my friend Lauren, who is in the crowd right now, who is a big butt evangelist, people. Big butt evangelist. And I'm like, why did it fucking happen and I didn't die and my ass still. My asshole still works, and everything's amazing. And it's odd. I'm like, literally, like, skipping through Dolores park, like, going to gay beach being like the hills alive at the sound of farts. So happy. And you know what? I probably should have been doing the walk of shame for a number of reasons. My mother would have been fucking horrified. I mean, this guy is supposed to be eligible. I let him fuck me in the butt for justice and it's a one night stand. I don't get that motherfucker's number. I hardly even remember his name. But you know what I was doing? I was doing the butt strut all the way home.
- [33:05]
Samwell
I said, what what? In the butt. I said, what what? In the butt. I said, what what? In the butt. I said, what what? In the butt? You want to do it in my butt? In my butt? You want to do it in my butt? In my butt? You want to do it in my butt? In my butt? Let's do it in the butt. Okay.
- [33:28]
Host
That story was from Bexie Stark. She has performed on both our San Francisco and LA stages. And you can also find that story on YouTube and see how beautiful that woman is. The story is followed by the viral sensation what, what in the Butt? Performed by Samwell. So there are moments when I really, really love my job where they get into what I'm doing and they up the ante. And that happened a while back at our LA show. I had performed a show. It was a rousing success. People were waiting to talk to me after the show. And this little queue of people was waiting to chat with me. And after a long wait, this beautiful couple who looked like they just stepped out of Burning man walked up and said, hi, you don't know us, but we were wondering if you'd be interested in hundreds of assholes in red velvet bags. And I went, I don't know what the fuck we're talking about, but the answer is always going to be yes to that question. So it turns out they run a sex doll company called Synthetics, and they make custom sex dolls, I guess you'd say. And one of the things that they make is, well, I'm sure the description of what it is is different. They call them balloon knots. But I tend to believe that after you've spent a hefty chunk of money on a partner who is your sex doll that you want to believe. She was hermetically sealed before she arrived in a box. So they have these little things that look just like assholes. And the round on one side, they're all puckered on the other side. And they brought, the next month, hundreds of buttholes made of silicone. And each One was in a little red velvet drawstring bag. Do you know how much fun my is when everybody who walks into a show, I get to walk up to them with a picnic basket full of buttholes and I go, hi. You look like you need an asshole. Would you like a little ass? You look like you need some ass. Here's an asshole for you. Stop being an asshole. You know I got to do every fucking play on asshole There was hundreds of times, and I was giggling with glee all night. They also surprised me on stage that night with. I knew about the buttholes. I was expecting the buttholes. But they also surprised me with this cardboard box and pulled me up on stage and said, we have a present for you. And I went, yeah, what is it? Looked like maybe it had a few hundred more buttholes in it. That was my guess. And then they opened the box and displayed something I had never seen before. It was a woman's foot. But apparently they'd had a special order from a man who'd said, sex dolls are nice and all, but there's only two things that I really want together. I don't need the whole girl. All I need is her foot, because I like feet, and her vagina. So they were commissioned to create a special foot with a vagina in the ankle. And they named it the vaginal because they're clever. I was credited in Vice magazine as the person who made the vaginal go viral. Because I got so excited when they gave it to me, I couldn't shut the fuck up. I just kept taking it everywhere, and on stage, they pulled it out. They'd made the most beautiful one they'd given her. They'd given her this custom pedicure, like French pedicure with little polka dots on it. And she was in a strappy pink sandal. And they'd also given me her other foot, which did not have a vagina in the ankle. So I called that said a lady, because it's two feet and one vagina. And so both feet, using the shoes. Beautiful pedicure. They looped at my hand, and they stuck it inside and let everybody in the audience watch my face as I stuck my hand inside the vagina on the foot. And it's ribbed in there, y'. All. And I asked how deep it went, and they went, nine inches, of course. So if my house ever burns down, the one thing I'm carrying out of the house is my vaginacal. It's just the sort of thing I made. Kevin Allison from Risk. We did a show together and I brought it backstage and when he turned around too fast, I had opened the box and he screamed. When I stuck that vajangle in his face, he did not know what was going on. That was fine. So, yeah, check out Synthetics. They make incredible products. Handing out buttholes to your friends and strangers. The best thing ever. And I believe that Synthetics sells the assholes in little red velvet bags so you can contact them and get your own to hand out to friends and strangers. So, you know, we do podcasts so that you can have this everywhere. But my goal in life is to get your ass to a live show. A live body storytelling show. So, y', all, here's the really important thing. This Saturday night, February 25th, is our big 10 year anniversary show. We have an astounding lineup. Melaina Williams is flying in from New York City. We have sex educator Reid Mahalko. We have author and sex educator Allison Moon. Thriving now or the Intimacy Dojos, Kathy Vartulli and more. That's our first show, which is called decadent. And our 10pm show is the Best of Body with all the people that you voted in. You people from the podcast voted for Jeffrey Hayes and Matt Matthews. And Crystal Crow, who travels with me, is part of Best of Body for the very first time. She's working on a new story and I can tell you she kind of let me know recently what it was going to be. And I don't blush that often, but I blush. So this is, this is going to be a lot. It's going to be great. So please come to our show this Saturday, February 25th. Two shows back to back. You can get a full evening wristband and see all the stories. It's Saturday night. Stay out late. I have two shows coming up in March. On Thursday, March 16, back in San Francisco at the Verdi Club. Please get your tickets as soon as possible. Those are available@bodystorytelling.com and then on March 22nd, we're back in Seattle. We've been on hiatus while we focus on these 10 year anniversary shows in the Bay Area, but Seattle will be back. Tickets will be online today as far as I'm concerned, and you can also get those on our website. I've missed you, Seattle. I love the sex positive community in Seattle and I can't wait to see you in person because I'm Southern and polite. I always like to say thank you. Thank you to Matthew Marder, our podcast producer. I can tell you this wouldn't be happening if he didn't sit here in front of me and hit me a lot. He beats me, you know? And also David Grossoff, our sound engineer to the team that helps us create Bodi every single time. We're gonna end this episode with the incomparable Rachel Lark. She wrote the song for Body Storytelling. We're gonna end it with Rachel Lark's assh. Imagine how cute that would be. We love this woman. She's gonna be performing at both shows on Saturday night in San Francisco. Come see her live and come see her on March 2nd. She's doing a huge new event at the DNA Lounge, and it's gonna be epic. Thank you for listening to the Bodi Storytelling Podcast. We really appreciate you listening and sharing and rating and reviewing this podcast. It's new. I want to know what you want because I'm a bleach. Thanks so much. Talk to you next week.
- [41:22]
You squeeze into your dreams Kiss me on the cheek as you leave it's always fun till it's all done and I still feel like I want something more I want something deep I want something nobody else ever sees I want to touch you there and I really don't mind the hair. You only live once so let me lick your asshole your asshole.
- [42:13]
Bexie Stark
Love.
- [42:16]
Host
You only live once so let me lick your. I know it's scary and sometimes hairy but I want to know you Jerry for one. Are we waiting now I bother dating? You only live once so let's stop hesitating I get that you fear it might make you queer but wouldn't that news be useful to hear? Come on, let me see em your cheeks in your perineum the cute little starfish you're screwed em and lingum Give em a wash, rinse and repeat. An enemy is better than the risk of disease that's true now you're feeling hot so fresh and so clean Give me a taste of those fresh salad cream. You only leave lands so let me lick your asshole, you asshole you only leave once so let me lick your asshole your asshole oh my. Just cause you're straight don't mean you got no prostate. There wasn't no mistake when I slipped onto your tail Let me end it ain't no sin. Yeah, that's freaky little pink. I wanna get kinky in the stink. Don't bother trimming don't mind the linens I'll be winning see I'm gonna be rimming.
- [44:41]
Bexie Stark
Yo.
- [44:47]
Host
Sing it with me, guys. You only live it once so let me lift your beautiful your keep singing, everyone. You only live when.
- [45:10]
Bexie Stark
So oh God, it's so good. Yes.
- [45:15]
Host
You're asleep.
- [45:35]
Sam Solo
You don't know where this been.
- [45:46]
Samwell
Sam.