Episode 26 - Family Values

Summary

Podcast Summary: Bawdy Storytelling – Episode 26 “Family Values”

Host: Dixie De La Tour
Date: May 10, 2017
Featured Storytellers: Blythe Baldwin, Sarah Faith Alterman

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Episode Overview

This episode of Bawdy Storytelling, “Family Values,” dives into the sometimes uncomfortable, always honest reality that our families—yes, even our moms and dads—are sexual beings. Hosted by sexual folklorist Dixie De La Tour, the episode highlights fiercely candid tales from storytellers Blythe Baldwin and Sarah Faith Alterman, exploring family connections through the prism of sexual openness, medical intimacy, and unexpected legacies. In true Bawdy form, it is equal parts hilarious, tender, awkward, and thought-provoking, making taboo topics feel honest and relatable.

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Key Discussion Points & Storyteller Insights

1. Introduction: The “Mother’s Day” Conversation

• Dixie challenges listeners to face the reality of their parents’ sexuality, subverting traditional “family values” with unapologetic candor.
• [01:02] “We’re going to talk about your mom and dad having sex this week. Are you still listening?” —Dixie de La Tour

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2. Story 1: Blythe Baldwin – “My Mother, My Gynecologist”

Background: Growing Up in a Medical Family

• Blythe’s parents are both OB-GYNs in Palo Alto—a town she describes as a mashup of “pseudo wannabe liberal hippies and conservative ultra-rich” ([03:05]).
• Coming out as queer at 15 added layers to Blythe’s experience in her family and hometown’s interconnected social scene.

The Ultimate Family Practice

• Blythe’s mother offers to be her gynecologist for privacy and expert care:
  “Isn’t that kind of fucking weird, Mom?” [04:02]
  “No...you are our daughter, our last daughter, our baby. And I can’t think of anybody that would be more invested in your health and your wellbeing than us.” —Blythe’s mother

• The infamous exam experience:

  • White lab coat, scarf, total professionalism – but with uniquely family touches.
  • “Tour of your bits”:
    • Mom uses a hand mirror: “This is your clitoris, labia minora, majora... that’s your urethral opening, vaginal opening, and your anus. Any questions?” ([06:35])
    • “Even though I’m relatively certain I’ve known exactly where my clitoris was since I was about 6 years old...”
    • Mom insists on Blythe viewing her own cervix during exams: “Tilt the mirror down. Like in mom voice.” ([09:34])

Navigating Health & Embarrassment

• Diagnosis & treatment: Blythe shares her experience with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS) and the complexities of being both patient and daughter.
• Family medical teamwork:
  • During an ultrasound, her mom calls in Blythe’s dad for a “secondary confirmation.”
  • Memorable moment:
    • Dad: “Whoa, Boogie. Do you see all that?..That is a bunch of crap. You gotta take a shit, Boogie.” ([14:33])
    • The story mixes humor, medical professionalism, and the uniquely weird intimacy of a family-run OB-GYN clinic.

Notable Quotes

• “My mom is the fucking ninja of pap smears. She is like there and gone before I’ve figured out that she’s even reached for the pipette.” ([10:30])
• “If anything should go awry and I bonk my head someday and forget, I’ll rely on my mother to reorient me with my vagina.” ([06:52])

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3. Story 2: Sarah Faith Alterman – “My Dad, the Pornographic Author”

Discovery of Family Secrets

• Sarah receives her first “dick pic” at age 12—via mail.

  • Sent anonymously but traceable to a classmate by context ([19:23]).

• Her second dick pic arrives at age 35, from her father—but with a twist.

  • “Do not panic. That is not this kind of story. Don’t worry, everybody’s fine.” ([20:41])

The "Duck Room" & Unintentional Sex Ed

• As a pre-teen, Sarah discovers hidden books atop the living room bookshelf:

  • Games You Can Play with Your Pussy by “Ira Alterman”—her father ([23:29]).
  • A series featuring an erotic heroine, Bridget—ranging from comic cat puns to graphic BDSM scenes.
  • Puzzlement and sexual curiosity intermingle:
    • “This is confusing...but it’s kind of good. I start to feel warm and tingly in places I haven’t really thought about before...” ([24:24])

• The shock of realizing her father wrote erotic humor:

  • “My father wrote dozens of volumes of jokey pornography in the 1970s. Hoo, boy. And let me tell you, they are how I learned about sex.” ([24:50])

Inheritance of a Unique Legacy

• Books follow Sarah into adulthood:

  • She receives royalties and is left with the copyrights after her father's death.

• Alzheimer’s Disease and boundaries broken:

  • Her father’s disease strips away his inhibitions, leading to years of overtly sexual correspondence and confessions.
  • “I spent a year fielding explicit sexual material from my dad...I would get emails with links to positions in the Kama Sutra, jpegs of pussies on pussies on pussy.” ([28:24])

• Profound (and comic) reflection:

  • On her father’s deathbed, he makes Sarah the custodian of his sexual legacy.

Notable Quotes & Moments

• “If you have ever made any association between sex and one of your parents, you will understand how fucking weird that is.” ([25:11])
• “And so I am, like, carrying my dad’s sexual torch.” ([30:42])
• “I have the copyrights. I get royalty checks. I also have a bunch of his manuscripts still in my house, and I keep them on the top shelf of my own bookcase.” ([30:46])

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Memorable Musical Moments

• The episode is “bookended” with playful, risqué parody songs referencing Oedipal themes and sexual comedy (00:04, 15:07, 31:26, 35:37) that reinforce the irreverent and taboo-busting nature of Bawdy Storytelling.

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Host Commentary & Tone

Dixie de La Tour keeps the tone celebratory, warm, and inviting—even as the stories broach the most squirm-worthy of family secrets:

• “We all have sex, even your parents. And why not talk about it? Why pretend it doesn’t happen? It’s one of the best things out there, y’all. So let’s celebrate it in all its forms.” ([32:51])

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:04 – Risqué musical intro on mother-loving
• 01:02 – Dixie introduces “Family Values” theme
• 02:25 – 15:07 – Blythe Baldwin’s story: growing up as the patient of her gynecologist mother
• 19:02 – 31:26 – Sarah Faith Alterman’s story: discovering her father’s erotic authorship and dealing with his Alzheimer’s
• 31:26 – Outro musical reprise (“I Got It From My Daddy”)
• 35:37 – Closing parody song, “Be My Mother Lover” for Mother’s Day

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Overall Episode Tone & Takeaways

“Family Values” is an episode rooted in the peculiar beauty and humor of candor—how our most intimate family ties inevitably intersect with the vulnerabilities and weirdness of sexuality. By laughing in the face of taboo and being unafraid to get real about uncomfortable family revelations, Dixie and her storytellers make space for healing, connection, and perhaps the ultimate family value: honest storytelling.

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Recommended if you:

• Enjoy frank, funny storytelling about sex and relationships
• Appreciate stories that reflect the messy reality of families
• Want to break taboos in a supportive, sex-positive context

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Notable Quote to Close:
“Let’s celebrate [sex] in all its forms. Live storytelling is a way that it has not been celebrated before. And I’m so proud that Bawdy is the original sex and storytelling series.”
—Dixie de La Tour ([32:59])

Transcript

[Storyteller 1]

Oh, damn. What is a dog? I forgot it's Mother's Day didn't get a gift for her Other plans got in the way she'll be so disappointed. Damn, I forgot it too. This could have been avoided. What the hell are we gonna do? My mom's been so alone ever since my daddy left no one to hold it tight Life is put her to the test I know just what you mean. My mom's been so sad and great My dad can't satisfy her in the bedroom since he passed away. Hold up. You thinking what I'm thinking? I'm thinking I think it too slow up. What time is it though? It's time for a switchero we both love our mom's women with grown women needs I say we break them off show them how much they really mean Cuz I'm a mother love you're a mother love we should each other's mothers each other's I'm pushing them name where you came out as a man Ain't no doubt this shit is crazy Fucking each other's love.

[Dixie de La Tour]

Hey there. Welcome to the Body Storytelling podcast. I am sexual folklorist Dixie de La Tour, and this week I need to have an uncomfortable conversation with you. You know what this Sunday is, right? This Sunday is Mother's Day. And though it makes us a little bit uncomfortable to discuss it, your parents had sex and that's how you got here. So this week's episode is all about family values. Not in that focus on the family kind of way. Not in that religious right kind of way, in our way. Because these things need to be talked about. That's right. We're going to talk about your mom and dad having sex this week. Are you still listening? Our first story is a story that was told to me over coffee one day with a friend. And I could not believe that this was her life. I sat there agog, and of course, as I always do, I went, you're gonna have to get on stage and tell this story. She was nominated for the best of body storytelling for this story and has told it on stage. This story is from poet and storyteller Blythe Baldwin.

[Blythe Baldwin]

So I know that for the new people, this, this is kind of like a loss moment. But for the rest of you, this is as scandalous as I wanted to get tonight. Yeah. So we're just going to dive right in. Ready, guys? I'm ripping the band aid off, but I'll put it on another one. Don't worry. So she's holding this speculum up against this little spotlight at the end of the exam table in between my legs. And she says to me, so this is the speculum that I'll be using to administer the exam to. And I'm just warming it up a little bit. And when I insert it, you might feel a little bit of discomfort. Momentary pressure as I open it, but it should pass quickly. Are you ready? And I nod yes. And my mother slips the speculum inside my vagina. So let's just give that a second to sink in. I did just say my mother slipped a speculum inside my vagina. And this probably warrants a bit of explanation, right? So, my mom is a gynecologist, as you might have guessed, she's a nurse practitioner. And my father is a doctor, an MD Specializing in obstetrics and gynecology. And together they have over 100 years of combined experience. They have owned a private practice for longer than I have been alive. And before you ask me during the break, just to get straight to the chase, yes, they did meet through work, and no, I won't tell you exactly how. So that being said, I grew up in Shaltow, or as other people might like to call it, Palo Alto, which is a suburban area. It's kind of sleepy. About 30 minutes south of San Francisco here, tucked under the shadow of the prestigious Stanford University. Now, Palo Alto is a really weird place to grow up in when you're someone like me, because it's kind of all the mix of pseudo wannabe liberal hippies and the conservative ultra rich and all of their values that go with. So, like, everybody's like, oh, this is quinoa. Yeah, eat quinoa now. You know? And then you're like, how do you feel about polyamorous marriage being legalized someday? And they're like, what? What? Well, why should they get all the tax breaks? I mean, you know, I'm busting my ass and only making 3 million right now. This is the kind of shit I grew up with. So about 15 I came out, and at this point, I was no stranger to exams. I had been going for a while because I got my lady time for the first time when I was 13. But when I turned 15, I decided to come out as the card carrying queer that I am. And this raised some concerns, naturally, for my parents, because everywhere I went in Palo Alto, everyone knew my parents. Oh, My God, you're Dr. Baldwin's daughter. He delivered my five sons. And I'm like, that's all I can think is like, how's your vagina? Doing, you know, and so it was a little bit of a concern. And my mother approached me and she said, you know, I'd like to offer you my services as your doctor until we can find you another one that you feel more comfortable with. Because I'm just concerned that, you know, people here in Palo Alto are really weird, Blythe. And I'd like to protect you and offer you the best care that you can get. And I thought this, this kind of weird, you know, And I said as much to her in 15 year old fashion. Isn't that kind of fucking weird, Mom? And she goes, no, I mean, just think about it this way. Your father delivered you and all of his other kids. He delivered your nephews from, you know, your sister's first marriage. Like, we're a family practice and we love each other. And you are our daughter, you are our last daughter, our baby. And I can't think of anybody that would be more invested in your health and your well being than us. And you know, we're going to give you the very best care. And so I thought, yeah, fuck it, whatever, fine. She's going to find out about all this stuff anyway, so let's just do it. So I remember the first time I went in for an exam with my mom. My mom is kind of the picture of professional decorum throughout every single one of our medical interactions. She has this like fourth wall where she's like Dr. Patty Baldwin. And she never breaks it when she's in that role, like ever. And so it's kind of cute because she always wears this white lab coat and she's about a five foot tall blonde Jackie Onassis, like you know, in the 80s with the little like neck kerchiefs, silk, you know, like scarves. And she's really, really classy and very stylish and very professional and warm at the same time. So every time I go in, she makes me fill out a patient intake form and then we have to do a little pre consult and then we go into the exam and she always has me get dressed in a cloth gown, not that cheap paper shit, because who wants their tits and their ass scratching and crinkling every time they make a move in that exam? And she asked me to hop up on the table and she says, okay, that's great. Yeah, so why don't you just move. Scoot your butt to the edge of the table. Yeah, that's great. If you could just scoot your butt to the edge of the table. You know what, Blythe? Why don't you just put your bottom right at that? There you go. Fantastic. So, you know, I'm up there with my legs in the stirrups and, you know, with other gynecologists, it's fairly routine. You don't see past the curtain of your gown. You're just kind of like. And my vagina is being poked and prodded. Awesome. Not with my parents. Not with my mother. There's a hand mirror, big ass hand mirror, all of, like, 1970s, like, nice pale salmon color. She makes you hold it. She gives you a tour of your bits. So this is your clitoris and your labia minora and your labia majora. And that's your urethral opening, and there's your vaginal opening, and that's your anus. Any questions? And there's a bit of a bone of contention between my mother and I. She claims that she only did it during the first exam, but I swear to God, she has done this through every fucking exam that I've had with her. Even though I'm relatively certain I've known exactly where my clitoris was since I was about 6 years old. Still, I kind of. I guess it's nice to have, you know, a reminder from time to time of where all that shit is. If anything should go awry and I bonk my head someday and forget, I'll rely on my mother to reorient me with my vagina. I'm sorry, my mom's voice is kind of pinging in the back of my head.

[Sarah Faith Alterman]

That's your fulfill, not your vagina.

[Blythe Baldwin]

Pardon me. Pardon me. So at this point, after the tour, she'll insert the speculum, and she always warms it against this little spot lamp that's under the end of the table. And she doesn't actually touch it too, because that would, you know, destroy its integrity. Right? It's just been autoclaved, which I know because I used to autoclave their speculums and stuff for them when I worked part time for them as a young person. So she then will take the speculum and put it inside. And if you think the mirror part's over, it's not. I have never had another gynecologist do this for me, but my mother would then insist always that I tilt the mirror down so that I can view my own cervix. I remember the first time my mom asked me to do this. I was probably like, you know, 16 or so, and I said, mom, come on, I'm not gonna do that. That's like fucking Come on, I don't need to see that. And my mom goes, why not? It's a part of your body like anything else. When else are you ever gonna be able to see this? And I go, I don't know, that's.

[Sarah Faith Alterman]

Kind of the point.

[Blythe Baldwin]

And she goes, tilt the mirror down. Like in mom voice. And so I tilt the mirror down. I'm telling you, there's no going back. Once tunneling back through the speculum and the walls of my vagina is this little donut shaped mouth, like so. And I swear to God, the first time I saw it, it winked at me. And I said to my mom, you know, oh my fucking God, it like jumped or something. Is that normal? And she goes, oh, yeah. You know, sometimes I just like to say hello. Okay, great. So after. This is the routine pap smear, right now. I've had a lot of pap smears over the years and everybody does them a little bit differently. I've had terrible ones, I've had good ones. My mom is the fucking ninja of pap smears. She is like there and gone before I've figured out that she's even reached for the pipette. Like, I literally will be like, okay, so we're gonna do this now. And she's like, I'm already done, sweet pea. And she's putting away. It's literally like ninja away. So this is kind of amazing to me. So all my friends will be like, isn't that weird? Whatever. I'm like, I'm telling you now, go see my mom for pap smear. Because it is like in and out, simple business as it should be. So over the years, I've seen them a handful of times, like I said. And when I was 16, I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. PCOS as it's also known. So basically what that kind of boils down to is that I have an estrogen dominant system. You would probably never know this by looking at me, right? So this means crazy mood swings and out of balance hormones and like hair that grows in places that it probably should not for a lady. So at this point I found out. And it also results in like really painful cysts sometimes in my ovaries when I try to ovulate, my body doesn't have enough hormones to let them pop out. So the follicle just becomes cystic, really painful. And if you leave this untreated, you can become sterile. I cannot have that happen. You may not know it by looking at me, but I am a fucking baby. Farm waiting to explode. And my parents have known that all I want is, like, 50 million fucking kids. Sweetheart, don't freak out. I'm talking to my girlfriend since I was, like, 10 years old. So they took me under their care right away to start treating it, to absolve it. But When I was 24, I had a cyst that came back, and it was really, really painful. And so I was due for an anal. Anyway, I went in to see my mom, and on the forum I wrote, possible cysts, sexual responsibility. Because I was due for a pap, and I was about to get back out in the world of dating, and I thought, I really gotta make sure I have a clean bill of health to give to people, because I'm very responsible about this myself. Very paranoid is what that means. So I go into the exam consultation with my mom, and she's looking through it, and for the first time ever, my mom looks at the paper and she goes, under reason for visit, you listed sexual responsibility. What exactly does that mean? And I say, well, you know, like, we're gonna get the pap and, like, a bunch of STI testing. So I'd like to just have a clean bill of health to give my patients partners when I get back out there in the dating world. And she lights up and she goes, ooh, you have anybody in mind? Is it Natalia? I'm like, stop it. Don't. What are you doing? She's like, we'll talk about this later. Let's get in there. And I'm like, okay, great. So we go in there and I hop up on the table and we do the exam as per usual, mirror tilt. Whoa, yikes. And all the pap smear and all that. But then she decides she's going to give me an ultrasound to confirm whether or not I have a cyst or if this is something else or what's going on. So she has this jelly on my belly, and she's moving this ultrasound device on my belly to pick up the image. And we're looking through this screen, and she's kind of located my ovary. And she's like, yeah, see right there? That kind of looks like a cyst. I just. Do you mind? I'd like to get a secondary confirmation. And I say, yeah, no, that's fine. Whatever, you know. And she goes. She cranes the door open with her leg and she goes, davis, Davis, this is my father. Could you get in here for a second? I just. I need you to come in here for a secondary confirmation, see if blight's got a cyst in her ovary. And I hear my dad go, sure. So I'm kind of sitting there going like, yeah, wait for it. Because where my mother is the picture of absolute professionalism, my dad is all, like, fun loving, teasing, and absolute 100% sass. So he comes into the room, and my dad is tall, like 6 foot 3, and looks like a bear out of, like, Clint Eastwood's era, right? Wears glasses. And he comes in and he looks at me and he goes, hiya, Boogie. Which is my childhood nickname, short for booger. Point of note. So he says, hiya, Boogie. And he comes over and he ruffles my hair, gives me a noogie, and I'm just like, yeah, this is fucking happening right now. And he's like, what do we got here? And he's kind of leaning over the table with my mom, and they're looking at the screen, and she's moving the ultrasound. He says, yeah, yeah, yeah, move it down just a little bit. Little scotch over there. Yeah, yeah, that's assist. Yeah, definitely assist. All right, well, we'll get that sorted out for you, Boogie. And then he looks up at me, and then he looks back at the screen and goes, whoa, whoa, wait, Patricia, move that down just a little bit.

[Sarah Faith Alterman]

Whoa.

[Blythe Baldwin]

Whoa, Boogie. Do you see all that? And his finger outlines this dark collection of coiled mass on the screen. And I'm thinking like, oh, my God. What the fuck is that, dude? And I go, yeah, what is it? And he goes, that is a bunch of crap. You gotta take a shit, Boogie.

[Storyteller 1]

Tell me, son, what did you wanna be? Dad, I wanna be a gynecologist. Study female. Anat Ky. Jelly rubber gloves and a flashlight seems like a good job for me.

[Dixie de La Tour]

Hey, you guys, I want to tell you something. Body storytelling was just voted one of the best sex podcasts by. That's a very hard thing to say. Best sex podcast by Esquire magazine. Esquire magazine, you guys. And that means we're doing something right. We got all four categories, whatever that means. Check it. Check it out. You can find it online. But I'm so thrilled that after six months of doing something and not being sure if I'm doing it right, apparently we're doing it right. And I need to say thank you to you, because the reason we have a podcast is because you are supporting us on Patreon.

[Blythe Baldwin]

What's that?

[Dixie de La Tour]

You say you're not supporting us yet on Patreon. This comes as a shock to me. Let's fix that as soon as possible, shall we, the reason that this podcast is growing, the reason we are apparently award winning, is because people are telling us that they want this podcast and the cost incurred in producing a podcast. All of the stuff, the sound engineers, the equipment, the hosting. I know I'm hosting, but there's other hosting. All of those things, those need to be covered. And if you support our Patreon, you help us make that happen. So Please go to patreon.com p a t r e o-n.com body. You know how to spell body. And support at whatever level you want. That's what's really important. Knowing that you believe in us and that you're going to help us win more awards, that's what keeps me doing this thing. And now you can share our podcast with people and tell them it's award winning. So please pass that along to your friends, tell them about this podcast, and we'd love it, love it, love it. If you would review us on itunes, give us as many stars as you want. I hope there's a lot of them. Esquire gave us a lot of them. Could you give us a lot of them? And thanks in advance for your support for this. I'm kind of over the moon about winning an award. Just six months in it. It feels really good seeing your name pop up on Patreon. That would feel really good, too. Our next story is from one that was told on stage a mere two weeks ago, I believe. And when I received this story written out in my email, I sat there with my jaw on the floor, and when I picked it up, I replied, hell, yes. And we've been working to put that story on stage. And guess what? It got a standing ovation live. And so I wanted you to hear this story. It's brand new and fresh. This story is from mortified producer Sarah Faith Alterman. She's a producer of the San Francisco Mortified Show. She is a friend and an unbelievable storyteller. This story is from brand new to. Bonnie had never even been to a live show. Brand new to our stage. This story is from Sarah Faith Alterman.

[Sarah Faith Alterman]

Look, you get it. They're not that good. It's hard. Those are hard to follow, you know? Mine are. Yeah. Do you guys mind? Okay.

[Blythe Baldwin]

Aww.

[Sarah Faith Alterman]

Baby. Thank you. Okay, guys, so sometimes you see sides of people that you're not quite ready to see. Like dick pics, for example. We all gotten a dick pic in our lives. You know what I'm talking about? A picture of a penis sent to you sometimes from out of nowhere. I have myself gotten a lot of dick pics. I've even gotten them in the mail, like physical analog artifacts of the penis. The first time I get a dick pic in the mail, I am 12 years old and my mom hands me a colored envelope that I assume is a birthday party invitation. So I rip it open in front of her and it's a Polaroid picture of a hairless, flaccid penis. And I've never seen a penis before, but even I know that this looks sad and weird. And the picture is taken in profile, so it's. I can see it from the signs, like, boop, boop. Like the top of a candy cane. Like, boop, curved over and it's kind of flopping down. And the guy who sent it to me does not show his face, so I don't know who it is, but I can see in the background a Batman poster and a sweatshirt with my middle school's logo on it, so I can narrow it down at least. That was nice of him. The second time I get a dick pic in the mail, I am 35 years old and it is a black and white printout of what I can only assume are the results of a Google image search for the term thick dripping dick. Whatever it is that conjured for you in your head, that's what it looks like. And unlike the first anonymous dick pic that I got in the mail, this time I know exactly who this is from. It is from my dad. Do not panic. That is not this kind of story. Don't worry, everybody's fine. Just stay with me. We're all good. Yeah. All right. You gotta trust me. So my dad, Ira Alterman, is a mild mannered New England Jew. He looks like Jeff Goldblum fucked Jeff Goldblum. To be honest with you, it's just what it is. He is obsessed with etiquette. He's allergic to difficult conversation. We never talk about sex in our house. We're not even allowed to swear. And dad counts the words but and fart as swear. So we're, like, pretty limited in that regard. He is determined to protect us from what he calls the pervs of the world. And so my brother and I are only allowed to watch age appropriate movies and tv. But I know that there is more interesting shit out there. And I know this because I have friends whose dads have subscriptions to Playboy and late night cable. And at this point in my life, I've seen some, like, gentle fucking. And I'm curious because I know there's stuff out there and so whenever my parents leave the house, I become a scavenger of smut. Like, I rifle through drawers and I'm flipping through closets, like, desperate to find whatever I can that's going to be way more interesting than, like, Shelley Duvall's Fairy tale Theater. And one. It's very good. It's a sad story. You know, what's going on with her. We'll talk about this offline. So one day in middle school, right around the time that I get this Polaroid dick pic in the mail, I climb the built in bookshelf in our living room, which we call the duck room because it's covered in ducks. We have red wallpaper with mallards on it, the phone shaped like a duck. We have duck paintings on the. My parents have, like, really leaned into the duck thing for, like, no reason whatsoever. I climb to the top of this bookshelf like a little monkey, and I'm rifling around on the top and ha, ha, jackpot. I find it. I reach over and behind an encyclopedia, because this is the 80s, there is a bunch of paperbacks called crammed in there. And I pull them out. I'm like, this is it. This is the good stuff. And I scamper back down and I settle into an armchair to examine my prizes. And I start with a book that is called games you can play with your pussy. There is an orange cartoon cat on the COVID He is playing chess. He looks like Garfield. And I'm like, comic strips. Awesome. Why are they hiding this one? So I open it up. Wait a minute. Is this about cats? There are chapters called things like how to feed your pussy, how to clean your pussy, how to take care of a sick pussy.

[Blythe Baldwin]

And I'm like, I don't know.

[Sarah Faith Alterman]

There doesn't seem to be a lot of actual information in here. Is this really about cats at all? Like, this is confusing. So I put that one aside for a second and I turned to the rest of the books, which it turns out are a series. They all have the same main character, woman named Bridget. And there are photographs in these books. Bridget is naked, or Bridget's wearing black lacy lingerie, or Bridget's tied up in chains and ropes, and she's got a little ball in her mouth and she looks really uncomfortable. And so I pick one of the books. It's called Bridget's sex Fantasies. And I dive in, and it is a collection of short stories. One of them, Bridget, gets tied up by her landlord who tickles her. And that seems like that's kind of Fun tickling. Everybody loves a tickle. In another one, Bridget is chased into an elevator by a strange man who presses her up against the wall. And while she screams, he shoves his hands up her dress. And that doesn't seem like a lot of fun to me at all. And then in another one, Bridget goes for a job interview at a lollipop factory, and the hiring manager wants her to get down on her knees to show him how good she is at sucking. And I'm like, why is that relevant? She's there for an administrative job. Makes no sense at all, but does. Bridget does it willingly. She gets down on her knees and she takes his member in her mouth. And. What? That's confusing. I've only ever heard the word member in association with, like, clubs that you belong to. What's going on? But she takes it and she puts it in her mouth and she starts sucking. And eventually stuff comes out of it that tastes like candy. And I do not know much about sex at this point, but these books are helping me start to put two and two together. And it's kind of good. I start to feel kind of warm and kind of tingly in places that I haven't really thought about much before. And before I know it, I'm kind of writhing and I'm grinding against a thin throw pillow that says life is all it's quacked up to be. Leaning in. Leaning in. So I'm really, like, it's feeling good and things are confusing. And all of a sudden, I hear the garage door rumble and I'm like, oh, my God, Mom. And dinner home. Oh, no. So I, like, take the books and I gotta put them away. They can't know that I'm looking around at their stuff, and I scramble up and I'm shoving the books back onto the shelf. And just as I'm getting the last book in, I make a really confusing discovery, which is that underneath the title of Games you can play with your pussy, it says, by Ira Alterman. And it turns out that my dad was trying to protect us from the pervs of the world because he was one of them. My father wrote dozens of volumes of jokey pornography in the 1970s. Hoo, boy. And let me tell you, they are how I learned about sex. And if you have ever made any association between sex and one of your parents, you will understand how fucking weird that is. It's very damaging. So these books, they teach me about sex and they begin to follow me everywhere. The books are there metaphorically. The first time I give A blowjob. And I make the very disappointing discovery. So what comes out of a member does not taste like candy. Missed opportunity. Anatomy. They are there. The time that a boyfriend mid fuck tells me that he wants me to tell him no. Like, oh, just say no, baby. I want to fuck a woman that's saying no, say no, tell me no. And I'm like, no, that's weird. But I say no. So it gets them off anyway, so, like, whatever. And the book. The books are there that day that I get that dick pic in the mail from my dad with a note that says, hi, honey, got a proposition for you. Call me. Okay, cool. So I call him and he tells me, great news. Games you can play with your pussy is number one. And I'm like, I don't know what you're talking about. And dad proceeds to tell me that he found a list on the Internet of the worst book titles of all time and games you can play with your pussy as number one. And he's thrilled. And by this point, dad doesn't even know that I know about the books. It's been like secret shame my whole life. So we've never talked about them before, but he's just on and on and on, books, books, books. And he tells me that he has decided that this has moved something within him and he wants to revive his own writing career. And he's going to start writing new books. He has an idea for one called the Naughty Bride, wherein a woman learns how to fuck her husband on her wedding night. And he wants me to help him write this book. And I'm like, what the fuck? This is not the Ira Alterman that I know. I knew that the side to him existed, but the side that dad decided to show us was the side that is allergic to difficult conversation and the word fart. And now he's here talking about virgins fucking. Like, this feels very strange to me, like something is wrong. And something was wrong, as it turns out, I learned a few months later when his doctor tells me that dad has early onset Alzheimer's disease. Yeah. And the doctor says, you know, dad can't drive anymore, he can't work anymore. And heads up, your dad's going to start saying and doing some really inappropriate shit. Try not to take it personally. It's just a hallmark of the disease. And so I spent a year fielding explicit sexual material from my dad. I would get emails with links to positions in the Kama Sutra, jpegs of like, pussies on pussies on pussy. Like a conglomerate of pussies. Like, no one knew. What is that over there? It's a body part. I don't know. I would get manuscripts in the mail that I was supposed to be editing and helping him market in some way. And, you know, Alzheimer's, it strips away, like, all social graces and boundaries. And so I was seeing all sides of my dad all the time. It was really intense, and it was really difficult. And when my dad died, I really thought and really hoped that the books were gonna die with him. Those fucking books are still following me around, man. Because, yes, there are lists and articles that still come up on, like, buzzfeed, Bored Panda, all these other things that love to send up games you can play with. With your pussy, because it's, like, funny and it's weird, and that's what the Internet is for, is, like, funny and weird shit. But then also, on my dad's deathbed, like, for real on his deathbed, like in a movie, he takes me by the arm, and he pulls me toward him, and I lean in, and he tells me that he wants me to inherit his legacy and that he is leaving me the copyrights to his books. And so I am, like, carrying my dad's sexual torch.

[Blythe Baldwin]

I own the copyrights to his books. It's so weird.

[Sarah Faith Alterman]

And I get royalty checks, which is strange. Like, there's not a lot. Feel free to buy these books on Amazon. Like, put a little money in my pocket. That's fine. So I have the copyrights. I get royalty checks. I also have a bunch of his manuscripts still in my house, and I keep them on the top shelf of my own bookcase. You know, not because I'm trying to hide them from anybody. I do have a young son, but I'm not trying to hide them from him. It's just more like the books are really difficult to look at right now, so I keep them up there until I'm ready to pull them down, which I will do someday, maybe. Thank you, guys.

[Storyteller 1]

I got it from my daddy. I got it from my daddy. I got it, got it.

[Blythe Baldwin]

Hey, where'd you get that body from?

[Storyteller 1]

I got it from my daddy. I got it from my daddy. My got it, got it.

[Blythe Baldwin]

Hey, where'd you get that body from?

[Storyteller 1]

I got it from my dad.

[Dixie de La Tour]

Wow. What a story. I am just blown away when people send me messages to say, there is nowhere else to tell this story but add body story storytelling. And I hope you love that story as much as I do. Let me tell you about upcoming shows, because maybe you want to get on the stage sometime soon. Our next show, this Sunday, May 14th, we have the graduation of my standing O storytelling class. They're having a performance. It's also my birthday party. Yeah, my birthday is Mother's Day. So do that thing you do in the morning. Take your mom out to brunch. And if you're in the San Francisco Bay area, come watch a crop of brand new storytellers get on stage. I've gotten to hear most of their stories now and these guys are scared and that's my favorite flavor. So please come eat a cupcake, listen to a story, and maybe you'll be in my next class. I'm already planning the next one. May 17, just a few days later in San Francisco, I'm doing Nerd Sex. And it's going to be the carnal. It's gonna be the carnal fall. We're gonna have games like Sniff Test and OK Pervert and I'm working on some new ones and some crazy, crazy, nerdy stories. That is on Wednesday, May 17th. Shortly after that, on May 24th, I'm gonna be back in Seattle with love, the one you're with. If you'd like to be on stage at any of those shows, other than the graduation one. Cause you weren't in the class, but at any of those shows, please send me a story pitch. Dixieaudistorytelling.com I love helping people get on stage. And there is no place in the world where you can tell the stories that you tell. At Bodi, we are a uniquely embracing place and not in the way you think. Embracing that other kind of way where we support you, we give you a standing ovation for your bravery and people come up and you make friends for the rest of your life because you did something scary. We all have sex, even your parents. And why not talk about it? Why pretend it doesn't happen? It's one of the best things out there, y'. All. So let's celebrate it in all its forms. Live storytelling is a way that it has not been celebrated before. And I'm so proud that Body is the original sex and storytelling series. I want to say my thank yous. I'm a Southern girl. I always say thanks. Thank you to award winning podcast producer Matthew Marder. Matt, congratulations on that. Your hard work is paying off. To sound engineer David Grossoff. Our sound got so much better when David came on board. You may hear in some of the recordings the sound quality wasn't as good and you can tell the point at which David got on the team. And started recording for us. He knows what he's doing. To Reuben Tan. Reuben has been overseas, and I believe he's heading home soon. We're going to be so glad to have him back at Bodi. To Joe Moore, our video producer, and to all of the volunteers and all of the team members who make Bodi happen. And hey, you guys, I'm cracking up this crazy idea about going on tour soon. So if you live in a city and you listen to Bodi Storytelling's podcast and you want to find out how to get us there, send me a message. I think it's gonna happen really soon. I'm already making a plan. I'm sexual folklorist Dixie de La Tour. Thank you so much for listening. Tell your friends about us, review us, and next week, when I be back with a brand new episode of the Bodi storytelling podcast, have a great week. Be nice to your mom.

[Sarah Faith Alterman]

Bye.

[Storyteller 1]

It would be my honor to be your new stepfather yet would be my honor to be your new stepfather. You and my mother make me another brother and while I'm in your mother I'll never use a rubber I'm calling on you cuz I can do it myself to me like a brother so be my mother, lover they bless us both with the gift of life she brought you in the street I'm a sexy right? This is the second best idea that we ever had. The choice can be no other. Be my mother, love. Happy Mother's Day.