Transcript
Storyteller 1 (0:04)
Oh, damn. What is a dog? I forgot it's Mother's Day didn't get a gift for her Other plans got in the way she'll be so disappointed. Damn, I forgot it too. This could have been avoided. What the hell are we gonna do? My mom's been so alone ever since my daddy left no one to hold it tight Life is put her to the test I know just what you mean. My mom's been so sad and great My dad can't satisfy her in the bedroom since he passed away. Hold up. You thinking what I'm thinking? I'm thinking I think it too slow up. What time is it though? It's time for a switchero we both love our mom's women with grown women needs I say we break them off show them how much they really mean Cuz I'm a mother love you're a mother love we should each other's mothers each other's I'm pushing them name where you came out as a man Ain't no doubt this shit is crazy Fucking each other's love.
Dixie de La Tour (1:02)
Hey there. Welcome to the Body Storytelling podcast. I am sexual folklorist Dixie de La Tour, and this week I need to have an uncomfortable conversation with you. You know what this Sunday is, right? This Sunday is Mother's Day. And though it makes us a little bit uncomfortable to discuss it, your parents had sex and that's how you got here. So this week's episode is all about family values. Not in that focus on the family kind of way. Not in that religious right kind of way, in our way. Because these things need to be talked about. That's right. We're going to talk about your mom and dad having sex this week. Are you still listening? Our first story is a story that was told to me over coffee one day with a friend. And I could not believe that this was her life. I sat there agog, and of course, as I always do, I went, you're gonna have to get on stage and tell this story. She was nominated for the best of body storytelling for this story and has told it on stage. This story is from poet and storyteller Blythe Baldwin.
Blythe Baldwin (2:25)
So I know that for the new people, this, this is kind of like a loss moment. But for the rest of you, this is as scandalous as I wanted to get tonight. Yeah. So we're just going to dive right in. Ready, guys? I'm ripping the band aid off, but I'll put it on another one. Don't worry. So she's holding this speculum up against this little spotlight at the end of the exam table in between my legs. And she says to me, so this is the speculum that I'll be using to administer the exam to. And I'm just warming it up a little bit. And when I insert it, you might feel a little bit of discomfort. Momentary pressure as I open it, but it should pass quickly. Are you ready? And I nod yes. And my mother slips the speculum inside my vagina. So let's just give that a second to sink in. I did just say my mother slipped a speculum inside my vagina. And this probably warrants a bit of explanation, right? So, my mom is a gynecologist, as you might have guessed, she's a nurse practitioner. And my father is a doctor, an MD Specializing in obstetrics and gynecology. And together they have over 100 years of combined experience. They have owned a private practice for longer than I have been alive. And before you ask me during the break, just to get straight to the chase, yes, they did meet through work, and no, I won't tell you exactly how. So that being said, I grew up in Shaltow, or as other people might like to call it, Palo Alto, which is a suburban area. It's kind of sleepy. About 30 minutes south of San Francisco here, tucked under the shadow of the prestigious Stanford University. Now, Palo Alto is a really weird place to grow up in when you're someone like me, because it's kind of all the mix of pseudo wannabe liberal hippies and the conservative ultra rich and all of their values that go with. So, like, everybody's like, oh, this is quinoa. Yeah, eat quinoa now. You know? And then you're like, how do you feel about polyamorous marriage being legalized someday? And they're like, what? What? Well, why should they get all the tax breaks? I mean, you know, I'm busting my ass and only making 3 million right now. This is the kind of shit I grew up with. So about 15 I came out, and at this point, I was no stranger to exams. I had been going for a while because I got my lady time for the first time when I was 13. But when I turned 15, I decided to come out as the card carrying queer that I am. And this raised some concerns, naturally, for my parents, because everywhere I went in Palo Alto, everyone knew my parents. Oh, My God, you're Dr. Baldwin's daughter. He delivered my five sons. And I'm like, that's all I can think is like, how's your vagina? Doing, you know, and so it was a little bit of a concern. And my mother approached me and she said, you know, I'd like to offer you my services as your doctor until we can find you another one that you feel more comfortable with. Because I'm just concerned that, you know, people here in Palo Alto are really weird, Blythe. And I'd like to protect you and offer you the best care that you can get. And I thought this, this kind of weird, you know, And I said as much to her in 15 year old fashion. Isn't that kind of fucking weird, Mom? And she goes, no, I mean, just think about it this way. Your father delivered you and all of his other kids. He delivered your nephews from, you know, your sister's first marriage. Like, we're a family practice and we love each other. And you are our daughter, you are our last daughter, our baby. And I can't think of anybody that would be more invested in your health and your well being than us. And you know, we're going to give you the very best care. And so I thought, yeah, fuck it, whatever, fine. She's going to find out about all this stuff anyway, so let's just do it. So I remember the first time I went in for an exam with my mom. My mom is kind of the picture of professional decorum throughout every single one of our medical interactions. She has this like fourth wall where she's like Dr. Patty Baldwin. And she never breaks it when she's in that role, like ever. And so it's kind of cute because she always wears this white lab coat and she's about a five foot tall blonde Jackie Onassis, like you know, in the 80s with the little like neck kerchiefs, silk, you know, like scarves. And she's really, really classy and very stylish and very professional and warm at the same time. So every time I go in, she makes me fill out a patient intake form and then we have to do a little pre consult and then we go into the exam and she always has me get dressed in a cloth gown, not that cheap paper shit, because who wants their tits and their ass scratching and crinkling every time they make a move in that exam? And she asked me to hop up on the table and she says, okay, that's great. Yeah, so why don't you just move. Scoot your butt to the edge of the table. Yeah, that's great. If you could just scoot your butt to the edge of the table. You know what, Blythe? Why don't you just put your bottom right at that? There you go. Fantastic. So, you know, I'm up there with my legs in the stirrups and, you know, with other gynecologists, it's fairly routine. You don't see past the curtain of your gown. You're just kind of like. And my vagina is being poked and prodded. Awesome. Not with my parents. Not with my mother. There's a hand mirror, big ass hand mirror, all of, like, 1970s, like, nice pale salmon color. She makes you hold it. She gives you a tour of your bits. So this is your clitoris and your labia minora and your labia majora. And that's your urethral opening, and there's your vaginal opening, and that's your anus. Any questions? And there's a bit of a bone of contention between my mother and I. She claims that she only did it during the first exam, but I swear to God, she has done this through every fucking exam that I've had with her. Even though I'm relatively certain I've known exactly where my clitoris was since I was about 6 years old. Still, I kind of. I guess it's nice to have, you know, a reminder from time to time of where all that shit is. If anything should go awry and I bonk my head someday and forget, I'll rely on my mother to reorient me with my vagina. I'm sorry, my mom's voice is kind of pinging in the back of my head.