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- [00:11]
Banana Phone Singer
Ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring banana phone Ring, ring, ring, ring ring, ring, ring banana phone I've got this feeling so appealing for us to get together and sing.
- [00:32]
Dixie de La Tour
Ring, ring ring ring ring, ring, ring well, hello there. Is that an iPhone in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me? I'm sexual folklorist Dixie de La Tour, and you're listening to the Bodi storytelling podcast. And this week's episode is a little history on that thing you got right next to you, right next to your goods. You use it for texting, you use it for Facebook messenger, but back in the day, you used to use it for sex. This week's episode is all about phone sex. Before we get into stories, I need your help with something. We support this podcast through something called Patreon. Patreon is like being a patron for the arts. You know, like Michelangelo had patrons that kept him alive and kept him producing what he did back way back when that was. But right now, your opportunity to keep the arts alive is to support Bodi Storytelling's podcast on Patreon. In this scenario, I am the Michelangelo of sex and storytelling, and you are going to make sure that you can hear these stories wherever you are. Remember, we've been doing this for 10 years on the west coast, but if you'd like to hear these stories whenever you want, wherever you are, the way to do that is to go to P-A-T-R-E-O-N.com body B, a W, D, Y, and contribute at whatever level you'd like. That's a monthly contribution to keep this podcast growing. We started with Humble Beginnings. One story, one song. This episode, we have three stories, y', all, and that's because you're helping make this happen. So I'm gonna go ahead and wait. Go to patreon.com. did you hit click? Did you donate to it? Are you contributing to our podcast? Excellent. Let's get right into stories then, shall we? Our first storyteller is someone who has only rocked the body storytelling stage one time. But when he rocked it, he rocked it hard. This first story is from Matt Holdaway.
- [03:13]
Matt Holdaway
Hey, everybody.
- [03:17]
So this is a real pleasure for me to be here at Bodi. I love Dixie and I love Bodi, and I've never even been in the Verde Club before, so I am green to the Verde now. When I first moved to California, I grew up in Idaho, and I wrote, and I was very creative. I was probably the most creative person in the sticks. But when I got out here, it was Definitely a different ball game for me. And people weren't just lining up just to give me money to write for them. And I had to actually get a job. So I've worked for the phone company on a number of occasions and that seems to be my wage slave thing during the day. And then at night I tell stories and I have my story rock band. And you can get my new CD in the back if you come back and see me afterwards. So I just moved to LA and I was working for a company where people would call up to order stuff from catalogs and I would just get a computer and it would say who I'm representing. And then I'd be like, okay, I'll sell you your toys or I'll sell you your baby stuff or whatever. There were about 300 people that worked in the building and there were only about like 20 dudes. And most of them were a lot older than me because they were like in tech. So it's definitely a woman run company. Purely, purely by default, I ended up as the office hottie. And I loved it. And so I'd go to the bathroom and like there was a group of women that would always cat call to me like, ooh, I'd butter his biscuit. And I loved every second of it. So there was a woman who was like recently divorced and she'd look me up and down like I was a plate of baby back ribs every time she'd see me. And she'd always be like, my phone's not working, come back to my desk. I'm like, I'm not a tech, I'm an operator. And she's like, come back to my desk. So there was a few people that I like, I screwed around with. There was a couple of girls that I went to college with and then this dude that was about my age. And we'd all make fun of the customers, we'd make fun of our coworkers, we'd make fun of what we sold. We'd just have a good time making fun of everything. And one of the days, one of the instructors said, we're going to have a product demonstration, so everyone come on back. So we all get off the floor and we're all just goofing around and they're showing us all the stuff that our suckers customers are paying like oodles of money for. It's like, oh, these are the padded corners or here's the piddlers for the young potty training man to aim at like a Cheerio wouldn't Work, but we're selling them for six for $2 and they're going like hot cakes. So basically it's for people who have more money than scents and that was our business. So they pull out this thing called the Moses basket, which was this 80 pound bassinet that had handles on it for some reason, just in case a mom's going to throw her baby and stuff and wheel it around. And then they pull out this thing that looks sexual in nature and everyone's like, ooh, what is that? And the instructor goes, this is our newest feature. This is a dual breast pump with a Y valve for changing the bottle in mid pump. And so they start handing it around and it gets back to me. And this is la. So my work uniform was flip flops, board shorts and a tank top. And Brian goes, you should try it, Holmes. And I want to say I thought about it for a second. I didn't think about it for a second and I'm like, okay. So I lift up my tank top and I put the breast pump on and I like start pumping away because like, I don't know, I got nipples, I got white blood cells. Can milk come out? I'm interested to find out. So I'm pumping away and it's just like, it's not really getting a good seal. I don't have the biggest of boobs. So I look at the instructor to see if I'm going to get in trouble and she's smiling all wide mouthed and that's all the go ahead I need. So I flex my biceps and I push my pecs together and I start pumping away and all of a sudden I get a seal and like I get this amazing tingling sensation in my.
- [06:40]
Amber Electra
Nipples.
- [06:44]
Matt Holdaway
And I'm like, I think it's working. And Brian goes, keep going, man, keep. So I keep pumping away. I don't know what's gonna happen. Like I'm dying to see. I want to see if milk's gonna come flying out, but instead it just goes thump, thump. And both of my nipples get like sucked into this thing, like super far. I let go and it's still holding on. It's a titty twister times ten, zillion. Like I'm in immense pain, like super immense pain because it's like my erotic zone's just being like. Everyone's laughing, no one's helping. Brian tries to pump it some more. I'm like, stop, man, stop, stop. So I do my best, I try and like squeeze like some kind of like air pocket in there or Something like that, but nothing doing. Like, these are, like, as tight as they've ever been. Like, it's got all the give. It's gonna give. And, like, so I'm, like, thinking. And I'm like, oh, God. Like, so I just, like, try and just rip it off. And I'm like, oh. And it's like, it's not gonna happen. Like, I'm pretty sure it's just gonna, like, rip straight off of me. And so I imagine that, like, I'm gonna have to get, like, go to the hospital, like, wheeled out in a gurney with this thing on me. I'm no longer gonna be the office hottie. Like, I'm definitely gonna be the guy who got the breast pump stuck on him. So I'm like, all right, think, Matt, think. Like, how can you get yourself out of this situation? You got yourself into this. And so I'm like, oh, the Y valve. And so, like, I stick my thumb up and I, like, find it, and I catch the guard and glorious air fills the pump. And I pull it off and I got these, like, giant red circles around, like, both my nipples. I hand it to Brian. He takes it like it's a dead rat. And the instructor's like, well, if math's quite finished, we'll continue. And the instructor, the divorcee, leans over and she's all like, another product demonstration. So later. LA wasn't quite my scene. I moved to the Bay, and the first job I got in Oakland was as the quality observation monitor. So when you call the phone company and you hear this call may be monitored for quality and training purposes. I was the monitor. I worked in Oakland on a skyscraper on the eighth floor, and I had 300 employees I was supposed to listen to every week. So roughly, like 60 a day. So I'd listen to their phone calls. And it was an extremely boring job because sometimes you would listen to somebody on hold. Imagine how exciting that is. So they had a tough time keeping people in the position. But once I figured out that I had a little card that they were supposed to do, and it wasn't to see if they were polite. It wasn't to see if they were taking care of business. It was to see if they were being obnoxious on the sales. And once I figured that out and realized that a lot of the people working there were, like, older than me and had kids my age, I was like, you know what? You're doing great on the sales pushing thing. So once I started saying everybody was doing perfect and they figured that out, they Were like, oh, Matt's awesome. And he's our best quality observation monitor we've ever had. And I would fill out these forms to show that every week they made improvement regardless of how they did last week. And no matter how perfect, they got even more perfect. So for the most part, I really wouldn't do my job. And I'd spend most of my time smoking out in the parking garage with the coffee guy. And then I'd spend a lot of time on Hubble Telescope's website, which was just popping off at the time. I'm like, oh my God, look at Neptune. But every now and then I'd do my not often, but every now and then. So I was sitting there reading an X Men graphic novel and, like, listening to a phone call. And it's a pretty common call. It was a dude, a customer. He was late on his bill and he was trying to make arrangements to keep his phone on. And the operator is like, making arrangements so he can keep it on. And then all of a sudden, out of the blue, he goes, so, what are you wearing? And I'm like, oh, my God, I gotta, like, sit up. And I like jumping up to hit the interrupt button so I can be like, sir, your behavior is completely, completely inappropriate. I have your name and address if you wish to keep your phone on. We are going to be discussing this. And I was going to put a little note on his record and then go find the operator and be like, sorry, this is part of dealing with the customers. Why don't you take a half hour break and if you want some counseling, you can come speak with me. Before I could hit the interrupt button, she goes, ooh, I'm wearing a lime green top, a black miniskirt, and stiletto heels. So my finger's hovering over the button. Like, on the management side, I should go get mad at her and like, mad at him. But like, this is like the most excitement I've seen at this job. And I definitely want to see where this is going. So I don't push the interrupt button. And he goes, so what do you look like? And she goes, ooh, I got blonde hair and double Ds and a booty that don't stop now. I work with these people. I've seen them all. We, like, go to meetings and stuff. And so I'm like, who is this girl? So I'm looking like a woodchuck poking my head out of my cubit, like, looking around and like, everybody's looking over at me like, oh, crap, the monitor's looking, look busy. And so they're looking busy. But I'm looking. And I mean, it's a whole floor. There's elevators, there's pillars and stuff. I can't see absolutely everybody, but I'm dying to see. And I'm looking to see whose mouth is moving just the right way. Nobody's. So I'm like, all right. So I just sit back down to listen. And he goes, so, what's your favorite positions? And she goes, you know, I like a wide variety of positions. I'm open to almost all of them. I really think missionary is totally underrated. You can do a lot with missionary. I'm like, you know what? Been saying the same thing. She goes, but I love doggy style. And I'm like, oh, my God, I love doggy style. And she's like, and I got a tongue ring. And you know what that's for? I'm like, oh, my God, I totally know what that's for. I gotta find out who this girl is. So I'm like, looking, looking, looking. Nothing doing. So they're going back and forth. It's getting really hot. He's talking about taking her to a cabin in Tahoe. So she's talking about giving him hummers with an ice cube. And I'm just like, oh, my God. Like, this is awesome. Like, am I getting paid for this? So they have this, like, uncomfortable spot. And he goes, oh, baby, where were we? And she goes, ooh, I was telling you about the basics. Plus 10. It's our most comprehensive package ever. He's all, oh, sign me up, baby, sign me up. Let's see on the computer screen. He just got signed up for, like, all these things. And he confirmed it twice. All these things he's never going to use. He's paying 70 extra bucks a month now. Couldn't pay his bill in the first place, but now he gets select ringing and call forwarding and three way calling. So I got to find out who this girl is. So I go over to her manager and I'm like, yo, Lewis, who's 7,649. And he's like, oh, God, what does she do now? Because I have to have a legitimate reason to talk to her. And I'm like, uh, she turned a delinquent into a plus 10. He's all, she got a plus 10 because nobody gets a plus 10 because nobody's stupid enough to buy a plus 10. And I'm like, yeah, can you believe it? I was thinking we'd give her something out of the swag box. And he's like, wow, it's just the kind of turnaround I was hoping from her. Yeah, let's do that. So we go over to the swag box, and it's got, like, lanyards and bubble things, like a bunch of crap. But they got a gift certificate for Lois, the pie queens, which is like, at the Bomb Pie. So I'm like, oh, sweet. So I grabbed. Yeah, you guys know Lois love that piece. So, yeah, so I grabbed the gift certificate. And then me and Lewis are walking towards her desk. We're both in our suits. She looks over and sees us, and I see her face go, oh, shit. And she starts taking her pictures off of her cubit wall and putting them into her purse. We walk up and Lewis goes, hey, Matt, heard you got a plus 10. Way to go. Knocks on her desk and walks off. I'm standing there smiling all stupid, holding the gift certificate. I'm like, oh, I got you a gift certificate. She's like, you heard that last call? And I'm like, yeah, you were pretty good. She goes, I used to be a phone sex operator. I said, I have operating experience and that's how I got the job. And I'm like, now listen, I could admire your creativity when it comes to getting to the sales, but for sure, if anybody heard me hear you do that, you'd be so fired. Like, no second chance. And I'd get fired if I didn't fire you. So you gotta promise me you will never, ever, ever repeat that sales technique again. She goes, oh, thank you so much. I got a baby. And I'm like. I'm like, promise. She's all, I promise. And as I walked away, she flashed her tongue ring at me.
- [15:03]
Phone Sex Song Performer
If I die and go to hell real soon, it will appear to me as this room and for eternity. I'd lay in bed in my. My boxer's half stone with a pillow under my head. I'd be chatting on the interweb. Maggots prey upon the living dead. I had no interest in the things she said on the phone. Every day all permanently in the hay. I called her on the phone and she touched herself. She touched herself, she touched herself. I called her on the phone and she touched herself. I lost myself to sleep at this late I'll be heading for later.
- [15:56]
Dixie de La Tour
You can get a lot of trouble at work when you give good phone. Once upon a time, you used to have to put personal ads out in the back of the free weekly. You know that free weekly that you have in every Major metropolitan city. So here's how it worked. You pay 25 cents a minute to put an ad in listing what you were looking for. And other people would pay something like $3.99aminute to listen to your voice. You'd have an outgoing message, and they'd leave their information, and you two would hook up. Somebody had recommended me for a job. Somebody was going on vacation for six weeks or something, and I was hired to work in the casual encounters department. So pretty much day one, I sit down, the phone rings, and this guy calls, and he says, I want to place the following ad. Attractive male, 38, seeks attractive female to urinate on him. No compensation. My place. Please respond as soon as possible. And I finished writing it up, and then I went, can I ask you a question? Why is she answering this ad? And he's like, well, I beg your pardon. And I'm like, let's think about this. We know what you want. What does she want? What does she get out of it? And he'd never thought about it that way before. I found out that he been placing this ad for months and months and months and getting almost no response. So I said, let's think about this, and let's change the wording. And the paper came out the next week, and a few days later, he called me, and he said, I just want to say thank you because I've already gotten four calls this week of women who want to pee on me. And I'm like, that is awesome. Remember, you got to give as good as you get. So think about the other person when you're out there looking for trouble, okay? Our next story is from someone who performed in one of my favorite bawdy storytelling shows ever. I've always been fascinated by the seven deadly sins. Did you know that the seven deadly sins are represented by a pinata? A pinata, a traditional pinata, has seven points on it. Each one represents a sin. Sloth, envy, greed, gluttony. And then you bash sin open, and inside, I guess, is purity. Or candy. Sometimes liquor, sometimes condoms, sometimes lube packets. That's what's in my pinata. But apparently when you bash sin, inside is supposed to be purity or redemption or heaven. I'm not sure. But anyway, I like sin, so I found that interesting. And so I decided to do a show on the seven dirty sins. And this next story was one of those sins. I believe she was gluttony. And this story is from Amber Electra.
- [19:11]
Amber Electra
Oh, my God. I'm gonna pee my pants. I'm so nervous. H. Okay, so. So there I was. I was sitting in Mrs. Small's class. I was 11 years old.
- [19:27]
Matt Holdaway
Oh.
- [19:29]
Amber Electra
I was 11 years old. And I was sitting there and I was listening to her tell us about how if we had premarital sex, we were putting Jesus right back up on the cross and any number of horrible guilt ridden things. And she's telling us these things. And I'm thinking, okay, well, I'm 11, maybe someday I'll do that. But I had this awful secret. And I had this terrible feeling in my stomach when she was telling us these awful things. And then a nun walked in the room. Sister Mary Robert came in in her habit. And she comes in and. And she talks to Mrs. Smalls. Mrs. Smalls looks at me. Sister Mary Robert looks at me and I'm like, oh, shit, what do they know? And Sister Mary Roberts says, I need you to come with me. So there I go. I go with her and I go to the principal's office where Sister Constance is sitting. And Sister Constance was like 100 pounds soaking wet and had this wig that was just like a dead beaver. It was just like fucking horrible on her head. And I remember it so vividly and I'm already so fucking scared. And then there she is with this wig. And I'm like, what is happening? And she says, you have a phone call. Hello? And it's my mother. And it's my mother at the height of her hysteria. What have you been doing?
- [21:23]
Matt Holdaway
How?
- [21:23]
Amber Electra
Which one? Like, I don't know. She couldn't possibly know. She couldn't. There was no way she could know. But she did. And what she knew was that she'd gotten the phone bill, which was over $1,000, because in the course of a month, I had run up over $1,000 in 976 phone calls. For those of you who are too Young to remember, 976 numbers were the, you know, $2.50aminute calls that you made when you were 11. And it was creepy. So I don't remember how I learned about these things. I was 11, like, how the fuck do you remember? But I do think that what happened was I'd seen an ad on television. It was like, 976 joke, you know, call for a funny joke. And I probably did that. But then I was like, well, what if I change joke to love or fuck or slut or blow or gaze or homo or any four letter word that could possibly work? I fucking tried. I was like, what can I do? What is this?
- [22:58]
Jeffrey Hayes
So.
- [23:01]
Amber Electra
I Would call obsessively. And I don't know where they were. But I like my parents, I lived in suburban Redwood City. Give it up for the Peninsula. Like, woo. I lived in suburban Redwood City with my mom and my stepdad. And like, we were like, they were sort of yuppies. And, you know, they were smoking pot when I was sleeping. Like, they were fine, but like, they weren't paying attention, clearly, because I was like, hello? Hello? And it wasn't a thing where you talk to anybody. It was a thing where you would call and you would listen to a recording. And it was like, hi, this is Ann Marie, your flight attendant for Flight 767. And in the back we have the Mile High Club. And oh, my pussy's so wet and da da, da. And then it was like the Naughty Housewife. And then it was like the Gay Bathhouse. And I was learning all kinds of things that I had never even really imagined before. And they were all making these, these beautiful crazy noises. And I was making them too. And it was like, what is happening to my body? And I'm gonna touch that. Cause that feels good while this is happening. And like crazy town, like constantly just like, oh, this is awesome. Like, ah, I want to be a stewardess when I grow up.
- [24:25]
Dixie de La Tour
This is ah.
- [24:32]
Matt Holdaway
So.
- [24:34]
Amber Electra
And the, and here's the thing. Like, so my mother. My mother gets this phone bill and she's like, what the fuck? Either my daughter has been diddled by someone, or she's just a fucking pervert. And either way, this is not good. And so I got sent to therapy because what else do you do? I figure if I was a boy, they would have been like, eh, but that's not what happened. So they sent me to therapy and, you know, I talked to the therapist about the phone calls and I like, played in the sand tray and I touched the doll where I touched myself because no one had ever touched me except myself. So I was like, right here. That's what's going on right there. Right there. So she determined that, you know, I. I was fairly normal, however. So I mean, you know, just reassure you, like, no one had like, molested me in any way. Like, I was just a pervert. And the only other sexual information that I'd gotten was I asked my mom where babies came from. And she was like, okay, here's what happens. And I was like, well, what does it feel like? And she's like, it feels like putting on a glove. That's not what it sounded like when I called. I had Put on a glove before, and that had not happened. So I was like, you're lying. And the other information I had was my parents had a coffee table book called Erotic Art of the Masters. And I had somehow, like, rifled through their shit and found it. And it was exactly what you think it was. It was like all of these beautiful lithographs and paintings and whatever of, like, ancient sex acts and Kama Sutra and all this shit. And I was like, that looks fun. And then I was like, oh, I get it. I can see it and I can hear it, and this is all coming together and this all makes sense now. The thing is, like, I didn't know much other than this book and this phone and this inherent sense of myself. I. I was able to bring myself to orgasm without actually knowing what that was. When I was six, it just felt. Yeah, I know. It was pretty great. It just felt good. And, like, I was like, oh, cool. You know, I'll just keep doing that. So do you guys remember My Little Pony? Any Bronies in the audience? If you don't know what that is, you should look it up because it's kind of funny. Anyway, so My Little Pony had a seahorse cousin called My Little Seahorse. And I called it. Well, I didn't call it that, but I call it that now. My Little Dildo. Now, there was never any penetration because I didn't know what that was when I was six. But I did know that if I laid down on top of it and I rubbed up against felt amazing. So I've always just been someone who was aware of and comfortable with my sexuality before I even knew what that was. So these phone calls kind of made sense in the scheme of things. So the therapist determines, just kind of a pervert, but, you know, no harm done. She's fine. But I am, meanwhile, completely humiliated. Not only that, but because I've been found out. I'm devastated. I've disappointed my parents. I've completely humiliated myself. But more importantly, it's fucking over. I can't make these phone calls anymore. What the hell am I gonna do? I had long since given away My Little Ponies. I don't know who got them, but Jesus. Like, it was. It was over. And I was so devastated by this loss. Like, I felt a real sense of loss. So about six months later, after this intense therapy and all this other stuff, I'm at a party with my parents at their friend's house, Richard and Pam. And Richard and Pam were like, my parents. Cool friends. They lived in this really cool, like, minimalist house. And they were artsy, and she had like a very asymmetrical haircut. And he was British. And, you know, it was all very cool. And I was like, ooh, I love them. And we were at this party at their house, and the coolest thing about their house was that there was a phone in the bathroom. I made so many trips to the bathroom that night, I ran up $300 in phone calls. So a month later, my parents get a phone call and, like, who knows what they said, But I was fucking busted again. So I had to go back to Richard and Pam's house to, like, clean their house, to work off the $300. And I can only imagine what they're doing in the other room. They're like, oh, my God, this is fucking hilarious. Cause it's funny if it's not your kid, right? Look at that little pervert scrubbing the kitchen floor. You know, like, the phone was still there. They didn't take it off the hook or anything. I didn't make any phone calls, but, like, I just didn't care. I was like, I need to make a phone call. 9, 7, 6, fuck is calling my name. Like, oh, my God. So I cleaned their house and I worked it off. And he still gives me shit about it to this day, 25 years later. He's like, you're such a little pervert, you know? And he's not wrong. So years later, you know, I'm 17, I'm still a virgin, but I'm still kind of a pervert. And I meet this friend of mine who was 25 at the time, and he became sort of my sexual spiritual mentor. And because I was a virgin, we used to have a lot of phone sex which involved him telling me stories and me just making noises because I couldn't. It took me six months to say the word pussy without laughing. I was like, pussy. Oh my God. Like, I couldn't do it. It was like. It was terrifying to me. But eventually I became more participatory in my phone sex adventures. And every now and then, I will still make an anonymous phone call to a certain line and have a little anonymous phone sex. And I guess I just never got over it. And that's my dirty little secret. The number you have reached has been disconnected.
- [31:48]
Dixie de La Tour
Our final story this week is from someone who I think probably is the 20 something gay male version of me. He has a story for everything. And if he doesn't have that story, he will get on scruff and he will line it up, and he will make it happen. He is incredible. His spirit of adventure, his spirit of sexual adventure, and his storytelling chops astound me every. Every single time he takes the stage. Our final story is from our uncharted territory show. And this story is from Jeffrey Hayes.
- [32:59]
Matt Holdaway
Hey, what's up? Okay, so the 10 minutes or less thing means that we all have to make a decision together. Okay? So we can do a story with lots of character development, lots of cohesive plot points, or you could just hear about really hot fucking. Okay, they want the second. Okay, cool. Okay.
- [33:22]
Dixie de La Tour
Fucking with plot points.
- [33:25]
Matt Holdaway
Those of you who want plot points, buy me a drink. Later, we'll talk. So I was working as a telemarketer for the Jackson County Republican Party as so many of my best stories begin. And I was sitting in the break room. I was, by the way, the top earner for the Jackson County Republican Party. And they thanked me every week with a $5 gift certificate to Subway, because that's how you show your love. So I was sitting in the break room, I was talking with friends, and this guy comes up to me and he says, you have a really fantastic voice. I'm like, thank you. And he says, have you ever thought about voice acting? I said, why, yes. Yes, I have. And he said, well, I work at another call center. I'm here to help out today with some other stuff. But we would love to have you over for an interview as a phone actor. I'm like, ok, cool. Those of you in the audience who are already tittering have kind of put two and two together about what phone actor might mean. I was a little more innocent at that point in my life. At this point in my life, I had sex. I had had sex with one other person. Okay? So my experience level was not quite there. But now I just. I look back and it's like knowing the ending to the Sixth Sense. And it's just like there were so many signs that I should have caught on to. Like, in the interview, the guy was asking me, like, you know, so are you comfortable? What might. What's gonna happen is they're gonna call in. They're gonna have the scene in mind already, and you're just gonna have to follow them and give them exactly what they want. I'm like, yeah, I can do that. Fast forward to training, because, of course, I took the job. Fast forward to training. Here are the two things I learned in training. Number one, be the sex you want to have, which is the most inspirational thing I've ever heard and true Facts. I still keep that phrase on the mirror in my bathroom. And I recite that to myself every morning. Be the sex you want to have. Which means, okay, when calling this phone sex line, people call in and they hear a menu of options. And that menu of options includes a character name and a short description of that character, which the actor themselves has to record. So I kept thinking, be the sex you want to have. Be the sex you want to have. Hey, this is Zuko. Are you ready to play with fire? If you're looking for a nerdy guy who can handle a joystick, you've come to the right place. You see, I like a boy with big, black, thick frames on his glasses. I was soon not only the top earner for the Jackson County Republican Party, but for this wonderful phone sex company, Ameritel, which I know just does not sound at all sexual, but it's just. It was a great company. The other thing that I learned working phone sex, Be the sex you want to have. The other thing was follow the client, Fulfill the client's every need and fantasy, even the ones the client is not aware of. Right? And that's exactly the kind of thing that I had to pick up on was, you know, some of the requests are more explicit. They'd be like, bark like a dog and be like, arf, arf. But some of them are not so explicit. Some of them are a sound, an ooh or an ah or just the slightest little, uh. And when someone makes that noise, you do whatever is in your power to make that noise happen again. Okay, now here's the problem. I was working 12 to 16 hour days, okay? I was working. You're right. Okay, So I was working eight hour days at the Jackson County Republican Party. And then I would drive half an hour to the other place, Ameritel, and I would work six to eight hours there. And then sometimes I would sleep and eat. And so I was working at jcrp, and then I was working at Ameritel, and I was at jcrp, and I was at Ameritel. And I'm sitting down and I'm kind of dozing off one day, and this noise goes off in my ear. And I immediately slip into, hello, this is Jeffrey with the Jackson County Republican Party. I feel like I don't have to tell you where I was. Y' all have picked up on which job I was at, right? The voice on the other end goes, did it click? I'm like, well, great. There goes however many hundred dollars, whatever. So time goes on. I go to jcrp, I go to Ameritel. I'm sitting there, and the operator gets a couple call. The operator never gets a call. People call in. They dial us directly, the actors. But the operator's got a call, and she walks over to me, and she says, your name's Jeffrey, right? And I'm like, yes. And she says, there's a call for you. They didn't ask for Zuko. They asked for Jeffrey. Should I go ahead and put it through? And I say, sure, let's do this. So the call comes through, and the guy on the other end says, hello, Jeffrey. And I say, yes. And he says, sorry I missed your call the other day. I was busy with some things. I'm ready to hear your pitch now if you're available. I've been calling the Jackson County Republican Party for months. I've got this in my head. So I'm like, let's do this. Hi, this is Jeffrey with the Jackson County Republican Party. He says, great. What do you need? Like, I need to tell you that this call could be recorded for courtesy and accuracy. And I'm here to talk to you about the Oregon State Tax Credit. Are you familiar with the program? He was not. And I say, the thing about our Republican Party is I understand that you don't want a whole lot of government control because you want to be in control of your own life. And he says, what if I like to be controlled? At this point, I'm not entirely sure which call center I'm at anymore. My heart is going thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump. And you guys, it's like Schrodinger's call center. I'm at both times at JCRP and Ameritel, and I am trying to sell for the county, and I'm also trying to have hot sex. And it's just everything at once, and it's amazing. And I'm breathing, and so eventually he says, all right, Jeffrey, I would love to donate today. What can you do for me? I can make you feel good. How would you do that? I would kiss your neck. He's game. You would feel my hot breath against your neck as my lips press softly against you and my tongue tickles you. And he goes, so far, so good. You would feel my strong hand against your chest as I back you into the wall. So I'm getting into it, and I'm like, okay. You feel my nose nuzzling against your cheek. And he says, and you feel my hand graze against your ear. And I go, huh? This is not supposed to happen. Now he's driving now he is driving this car because he has figured out how to make me make noises. And he says, oh, you like it when I touch your ear? And I go, yeah. He's like, now my hand is gripping your shoulder.
- [42:28]
And I'm like, ah.
- [42:29]
How did you know? My ears and my shoulders are like, my two super sensitive areas. And he goes for them right away. And it's like, damn, boy. Like, calm down. And he's just going at it, and he's like, whispering, and he's got all. And it's just like, who's the one paying for phone sex here? And then he's like. He's got the tempo up, and he's talking into the phone and so good. And he's like, like, are you gonna come? And I'm like, oh, my God, Yeah. Yeah, I'm gonna come. And he's like, are you gonna come? And I'm like, oh, I'm gonna come. And I come. And I actually come, you guys. There was no interaction with this or this. It was all right. And so. And then he comes, and I wish I could do an imitation of him coming, but I don't think those sounds are native to this planet. And it was amazing. And then he wrapped up, and he was like, great, so I'll be donating $400 to the party. I was like, awesome. Good, good. Glad we had this talk. I hang up the phone. I look at the mess. I'm like, okay, it's time to go. Take care of this. I turn around. I have developed an audience of my co workers who now clap for me as I walk into the bathroom to take care of this. I later quit that job because it was confusing to go to both jobs. After that, I came to the conclusion that I quit the wrong job because I now have this Pavlovian response to Republicans. But I will never forget that call, and I will never forget the money I made off that call. And I will never forget the fact that I later checked and found out that he actually did donate $400 to the Jackson County Republican.
- [45:04]
Amber Electra
The number you have reached has been disconnected.
- [45:14]
Dixie de La Tour
I've decided to dedicate the month of June to teaching again. I just had graduation a little over a week ago for my standing O. Storytelling. Standing ovation, Standing orgasm. I'm not sure what you think, but I was thinking standing ovation worked really well, and I graduated that class. We had a final performance. So many standing ovations that night, and I want to turn around and do it again as soon as possible. It was really really great. And so my next class starts on June 12. Early bird is about to end. If you're in San Francisco, this is a six week course where we discover our stories. We learn how to make a story relatable. And that's the secret of getting a standing O, y'. All. I teach you my one of a kind storytelling system to help you rock the stage. And there's going to be a stage to rock for the final performance. So there's a couple of spots left. Please sign up. I'd love to work on your story with you. You can email me for more information@dixieodistorytelling.com or you can find it on my website, bodystorytelling.com this podcast only happens because I have talented friends and cohorts who really want to see the world be in more sex positive accepting place. And we know that storytelling can make all the difference in the world. Thank you to podcast producer Matthew Marder, to sound engineer David Grossoff, to On Demand director Reuben Tan, and the volunteers and team members who help bring Bodi to the cities we're already in, like Seattle, Chicago, Louisiana, San Francisco, and soon to your city. If you want us to come to your city, email me dixieaudistorytelling.com tell me where you live. I can't find you if you don't tell me where to go. And let me know that your town needs more bawdi storytelling. I just got this great message from Berlin. Berlin really wants more body storytelling, but I think your city needs it too. So send me a message, let me know and together we can change the world. Wherever you live, storytelling makes it better. Thanks for listening. I'm sexual folklorist Dixie de La Tour and I'll be back at you soon with even more stories. Thanks for listening.
- [47:39]
Banana Phone Singer
Banana phone ring ring ring.
- [47:43]
Matt Holdaway
It's a phone with appeal.
- [47:45]
Banana Phone Singer
Banana phone ring ring, ring now you can have your phone and eat it. Two banana phones Ring, ring ring ring this song drives me banana Banana phone ring ring ring.
- [48:09]
Jeffrey Hayes
Hey baby, you are the most special girl in the world. You go where I'm going to take you. I'll put on some nice adult contemporary music to set the mood. Perhaps a little Zenfair. That's right, the pan flutist, baby. Then we can play some PlayStation. When you see my skills you'll get hot, hot. My thumbs move almost at the speed of light. My joystick's got more than enough grip for you, girl. I want to bring you to the next level, baby. Imagine my tiny body crawling all over, over you. Boo. Feel me snake my way. All up it, sliding through you. You like that, don't you? So don't be afraid. It won't hurt much.