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Bawdy Storytelling
Episode 294: ‘First Nude, Last Nude’ (Dirty Lola)
00:28:49
Have you ever cried because you hate the body you’re in? Netflix celebrity Dirty Lola gets onstage at Bawdy in Baltimore to tell the story of Sir, a kind Texan with a Southern Drawl who slides into her DMs to propose an arrangement. A fan of her...
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- [00:02]
Dixie de La Tour
The following podcast contains true stories of sex, kink, gender or body image. Thanks for being a consenting adult. Cause here we go.
- [00:12]
Say
All of my life I've never fit.
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Dixie de La Tour
But I won't complain and I won't.
- [00:19]
Say
Quit I am enormous. Get used to it.
- [00:27]
Dirty Lola
Everyone tells me I'm too much maybe.
- [00:31]
Say
It'S too much Just you're not enough for me can't you see I'm the kind of woman I'm supposed to be? Hey, my vagina is eight miles wide. Absolutely everyone can come inside. If you're ever frightened, just run and hide. My vagina is eight miles.
- [00:58]
Dirty Lola
What?
- [01:05]
Dixie de La Tour
Hi there and welcome to the Bawdi storytelling podcast. I'm sexual folklorist Dixie de La Tour, and this week we have a story from award winning sex edutainer and dildo slinger Dirty Lola. How's your week going? Mine's going pretty good, except for the fact that Edna the minivan is in the shop right now. Something weird is going on and I was hoping to drive to Portland, Oregon today because I'm going to be teaching at Sex Geek Summer Camp, which starts any minute. I'm going to be teaching using storytelling powerfully for sex educators at Sex Geek Summer Camp. And right after that, I'm going to be performing at the Shameless Sex Podcasts live show in Portland. Why not? If I'm going to be in Portland, I'm going to do everything right. And then of course, I have my Portland show, which is on Friday, June 21. Two shows, actually. First one is Body, the curated show. Second one is the Slam, where I get to hear your stories. And I just got an email and it made me really happy. And the Dixie Ramble is me talking about my life. And when things make me happy, I get to tell you about them too. So get ready, here we go. This relates to live shows for Bodi.
- [02:21]
Dirty Lola
This is Dixie.
- [02:23]
Dixie de La Tour
There's a lot of those. I'm fucking excited. I finally get to see a live body after like six or seven years of listening. I've always wanted to come to a show, but I lived in Albuquerque, and while some artists do go there, it's not nearly as frequent, affordable, or numerous as where I live now, which is Portland. And while Portland is pretty neat, I really haven't been able to click with the city's personality at all. I say good morning or just hi to a stranger and it's heads down, shoulders up, no response. It happens almost every time. I don't know what the deal is. Albuquerque would never. We're a scrappy bunch. But we'll have your back or feed you or party with you any day. I've been going out to as many comedy and music shows as I can afford to and I'm so excited to finally be able to see being in a city that is saturated in live entertainment. I try to chat with someone, thinking it'll be easier since we clearly have an interest in common and nobody will talk to me. Or maybe someone will sort of chat over a cigarette. I know gross when I step out, but then they sort of disappear the second it's smoked up. I'm truly blown away. My roommate slash bestie who never wants to leave the house that I followed out here and I are pretty disappointed we decided In Albuquerque people are kind but not nice. But in Portland people are nice but not kind. But I think there's still hope yet. I know bawdi can get you laid, but can bawdy get you to love your new home? I'm so sad and isolated here. I need a community so badly and I am failing miserably. Can bawdi get you friends? I'll try, like I always do to chat with people at your show, but if you have the bandwidth and the time, I'd love for one of those magical Dixie Boosts to get the ball rolling and help to not blow my shot at finding a new community. A bawdi audience, also called the Bawdience has to be where all of the true Portland weirdos are, right? My kind of weirdo? I sure hope so. My name is say, I work in the brewing industry. That seems perfect for Portland, doesn't it? My feet hurt. Being a friend could get you free beer. I think I'm hilarious. I love really spicy food. Comedy comma, music comma podcast. Also comedy music, podcast. I bet really silly songs and all of that other stuff and everybody else loves. I'm interested in fun sexy things, but I have some pretty deep rooted body image issues. Spoiler alert. You're going to love this episode. Say but I'm working on that. I could use some help. Probably I'm queer poly, but still figuring out what that is to me. And also I have a fat ass. Thank you for your consideration. I love you say. Well, say I need to tell you something very important. I say body gets you laid, but really what it does is it helps you find your people. I watch people all the time walk in, not make eye contact. They're shy, they're introverted and bango helps them start a conversation. They are afraid of it sometimes and I would never make anyone play the game. But it's a great way to talk to people, and it inspires stories. If there's something on your card that says likes it in the butt, for example, then that person go, do I? Oh my God, let me tell you a story. And the next thing you know, y' all are listening to stories. They're in the crowd. And then you pause for a moment while we tell you stories from the stage. There's a reason I love this thing so much. I'm not bullshitting. I love storytelling. And the reason I love it is it gets us past all the bullshit, the bullshit that makes us go, oh, talking to strangers is really hard. You listen to a couple of stories, then you got your juices going. It makes you think of things that happen to you, things you want to try, and it makes it easier for people to get out of their own way. I see it happen at every show. Nashville recently on the east coast tour, blew me away with the fact that not one person was talking to anyone else in that room when we got started. Twenty minutes later, everybody was playing Bango. Everybody was asking people questions. It was so loud, we had to ask them to tone it down. If there's anything that Bodi can do, it can get you friends. I'm really excited to see you at the show. Please come up and say hi to me. I love it when people who send me mail come up and say hi. So I'm looking forward to meeting you in person. And I probably shouldn't guarantee it's gonna make you friends, but I really feel like it's gonna happen for you. Say I really do. Well, that dovetails nicely with what I'm about to tell you, which is that body storytelling is coming to Portland, Oregon on Friday, June 21. We have been working hard on these stories and I have at least two brand new storytellers who've never done anything like this. I've got Everywhere is Queer's Charlie Sprankman doing it for the very first time. I'm a big fan of Charlie's work. We've also got Black man of Trans experience and van lifer Rocky Lane. We've got Dance Naked and Plan V's Eleanor o', Brien, a local legend in the sex positive world and sex geek and relationship coach Reid Mahalko. Plus music by Mark Graudin. Mark used to perform for me in San Francisco, now lives in Portland, and he's going to be bringing some of his filthiest songs out. I can't wait. Plus, you can win Prizes from Lawand B Vibe, Uber Lube, Lovely Planet. There's dirty cocktails. There is nothing like sliding up next to somebody and going, hey there, how you doing? I think I'd like a Schlong island iced tea. It really gets your party started. Plus that's at 7:30. At 10:30, after you listen to all those beautiful stories, we're doing body slam so that you can get up on that stage to tell your own five minute story. There's a big bag of prizes for you. If you win, you get to be judged by supermodels. And when I say supermodels I mean people in the sex positive world who we all know. And if you are looking to make friends, going up to somebody who was brave enough to put their name in the hat to tell a story to say, oh my God, where was that party? I want to go. There you go. You're welcome. Tickets are available in the show notes. They're available on the website. Contact me if you can't find the tickets because I really want you there. I haven't been to Portland in a very long time and I'm really excited to be back. I have the best job. Not only do I get to do story coaching, helping people find those special moments in their story, but I get to work with some of my heroes. And the story you're about to hear right now is from someone I revere. So let me tell you about her. Dirty Lola is an award winning sex edutainer speaker and self proclaimed dildo slinger. Known for her live sex ed Q and A show, Sex Ed A Go Go and as a sexpert on the Netflix docu series the Principles of Pleasure. Lola has spent over a decade working to end the stigma and shame surrounding sex and sexuality. In addition to her educational projects, Lola has brought her unique brand of sex positive sex education to brands such as Shag in Williamsburg, BK Spectrum Boutique, B Vibe, LA Wand, Blush, Freya Womanizer and Spencer Gifts. Y' all get ready. This one's gonna move ya. This storyteller is dirty. Lol.
- [09:53]
Dirty Lola
Hi. Hello. Oh my God. Okay, so put it in context. I'm 42. I talk about my age in this. So just so you know how old I am now. I'm 42. So wait. Okay, so picture it. Sicily. No, I'm kidding. No. So it's 2010 in New York. I'm a lonely, bored, 28 year old monogamous housewife with low self esteem having vanilla sex in a full size bed. No, I was fucking miserable. Woo. Full Size bed. I don't even. I make people go home because I have a full size. Go home or sleep on the couch. There's not enough space. So, you know, just not living the life. So I did what anyone would do. I started a Twitter account. But this was because this was the good Twitter. This was the wild days of Twitter when Titty Tuesday was king and, you know, and people would just fuck across your timeline randomly before Wendy's and Dairy Queen would get into it, you know, now it wasn't like that before. People were just talking to each other and fucking around and it was fucking magical. And back then, dirty Lola was just a handle. Didn't. Didn't mean anything. But Twitter was like my salvation. And sounds fucking dramatic, but it's true because it's where I met my people. Some of my people are here tonight. People all over the country. And we've all become friends. Yeah, thanks. Thanks. Twitter before Elon, but it's also where I met my first Dom, Yass Yass, online. Ow. Ow. So William, or Sir, as I called him, never Bill. Mm mm. Me and my nipples learned that fucking lesson. His name is not Billard nor Billy. My necklace says Brat. I got and still do get in a lot of trouble. He was a 50 something like, businessman from Texas. Listen, they wear button down shirts and they nasty. And he was real handsome. He was like that J.R. ewing looking type. Some of you are too young for that. I don't care. You can Google it right now and see a picture. You're gonna see Larry Hagman. You're also not gonna know that's Larry Hagman or who the fuck he is. It's okay. Go down the rabbit hole. He's amazing. And he had like a textbook southern drawl. Like, it was just perfect. It was amazing. It was like, ah. Makes you want to, you know, be somebody's like, ah, yeah, daddy. And he didn't look like a man who would like slide into your DMs, like, you know, he looked like a senator, which we all know because there's a twink in the White House sitting on the desk. I don't know if you've been following the news, but he slid into my DMs one day and he did not say, hey, girl, there was nothing. He did not do that. But he's like, you know, I really enjoy your tweets. I was posting, you know, I was like, oh, thanks, I guess. And he asked if I had a Dom because, like, you do, because it's Twitter. And I said no. Because at that point, the only kinky stuff I'd done had been in my imagination and shit. I had read novels. I mean, that was why I was on Twitter, to explore like non monogamy and kink and find. Find all my things. So he was like, do you want one? And I was like, I guess. I mean, I did like, but you live in Texas. I was like, okay, we'll figure it out. So few weeks of talking, you know, he's really working it in. I also had a husband that, you know, that pesky thing. He's now an ex husband, so it's fine. Yeah, baby, divorce is great. Get married early. Get divorced before you're 40 or by the time you're 40, it's great. Then you can say you did it and then you're free. So I spent a couple weeks talking to him, wrapping my head around having an online dom because you know it's supposed to be in person. Because like, how is this gonna work? And then talking it out, making, setting boundaries with my then husband and figuring out. And after like three weeks, it was official. I was sir's pretty little slut. And that was great. Until he sent me my first task. I don't know. So if you're kinky and you know it, clap your hands. I was gonna say, you fucking liars. Cause only one person was like, yeah. And then you paused. Cause you were like, wait, no, no. So I had tasks and it was a task I had to do every day. It was a daily task. So every day before 9am I had to send him three pictures. I had to send him an outfit of the day, an underwear set of the day, and then a nude. And that sounds easy, but that nude was fucking terrifying. Because at that point I hadn't been sending anybody nudes. And it's not because I had a Razer flip phone until 2009. That photo quality was horrible. You remember? It was because I did not like myself. I could barely look at myself clothed in the mirror, let alone naked. And so having to do that for someone every day was terrifying. Like, oh my fucking God. Because I've been a chubby kid and a chubby teen and the bullies in my life and Seventeen magazine and my mom all made sure I never forgot I was fat. Especially my mom. Cause you know, like they do. When I was 6, my mom gave me I don't know if you're an 80s baby and maybe you remember it. It's a deep cut. She gave me the get it girl workout program. I was six. Wait, by Hasbro? It's a real thing. Look it up. It's called Get Fit, Girl. Some Shit. Get In Shit. Oh. Cause. Did you get one, too? Yep. See?
- [16:14]
Dixie de La Tour
Scarred.
- [16:15]
Dirty Lola
Did you get the arm weights or the, like, the ballet barre? Fucking. Oh, that ribbon. I'm like, what the fuck are we doing? How's this gonna make me not fat? I'm in the living room like, all right, I guess, whatever. This is what you want from me. That was a good. And I got it for Christmas. So I was right. So I was like, cabbage patch Great. You almost died for that. But then you got me, like, a. Hey, kid, you're fat, kid. All right. When I was 10, I played violin. And in front of my entire fifth grade class, she screamed at me because she said I got too fat for my recital outfit. Right. I know. It was really. That I had titties in the third grade, and it wasn't. I know. Milk. So, you know, like, I was like, how am I going to do this? And that first day, I was like, I don't know. And I remember I got fully dressed. I took the dress, the outfit picture, then I took the underwear picture, and then I got dressed naked. And I stood in front of the mirror for, like, forever. And it was like, 8:55. And I'm sweating, and I'm like, I have to take this. I don't know what I'm going to do. And I'm like. And I'm crying, and my husband's like. He's like, do you have to do this? I'm like, do you not know I have to do this? Like, you're trying to do. Like, you don't understand. And I'm just having a breakdown. And I finally get a picture, and I just hit send, and I sit on the floor and I'm hyperventilating. I'm rocking. I'm like, he's gonna see it. He's gonna hate it. He's gonna think I'm sad. Oh, my God, the whole thing. And he sends me back message. And he's like, were you crying? Like, are you upset? And I'm like, yeah. And he's like, why? So I tell him everything, all the bad shit, the shit that was swimming around my head. And I said, and the thing is, I hated taking that photo. It was the worst thing I've had to do in my life. And he was like, that's a shame, because I love what I see. Right? And then he asked me if I trusted him, and I said, yeah. And he's like, so you need to trust that I would never ask to see something that I didn't want to see. I know it was a good start. It was a good start. So I like tucked that in the back of my brain. And we were sir and his pretty little slept for a year. And in that year, I learned a whole lot. I learned a lot about dominant submission. I learned that my nipples are really fucking sensitive and that anything on your desk can become a kink object if you really wanted to. I also learned how to whip my own ass on camera. You know? You know. Cause the pandemic bitches you all know how to spank yourselves all you bottoms.
- [18:53]
Dixie de La Tour
We were in alone.
- [18:55]
Dirty Lola
It was a thing. But most of all, I started learning about myself when I learned that I getting ahead of myself. I am my own worst enemy. But also during that time, I learned my confidence grew. Because when you're with somebody who constantly is making sure you're not being awful to yourself, literally, I would get in trouble if I was mean to myself. And who is constantly showering you with just love and affection and talking about your body in such a bright way that you've never experienced. Experienced. It's really hard to think bad things about yourself. So I had a whole year of this amazingness. And at the end of our time together, I sent one more set of task photos. And this time I got photos back. And he sent me two photos. He sent me my very first nude, and he sent me my very last nude. And the first nude, I'm like hunched over. I clearly have been crying. I look awful. I'm just like. And the second picture, I'm like, hands on my hips, tits out, smiling, looking into the camera. And he's like, what do you see? And I'm like, it looks like two different fucking people. And it was because the biggest lesson I learned during this whole time is that sometimes it's okay to see ourselves through the eyes of people who adore and love us. Because our eyes are tainted with moms and magazines and bullies and fucking society. And sometimes we need to see things through a fresh pair of ey. And for me, that just came through.
- [20:29]
Say
The eyes of my dominoes that pay they ran all time if you ain't in a party take your ass back home if you getting naughty, baby, here's my phone Slide with your boy to the bar Slide with your boy to the car I've been searching everywhere and now here you are. Ooh, chunky. Looking for them girls with the big old hoops that drop it down in Daisy Dukes I'm looking at you yeah you baby, baby, baby now let me hear you say you're ready I'm ready oh yeah Girl you better have your hair weave strapped on tight Cuz once we get going we rolling we cha cha till the moment morning so just say all right, all right if you ain't here to party, take your ass back home if you getting naughty baby, here's my phone Slide with your car to the bar Slide with your boy to the car I've been searching everywhere and now here you are oh chunky Looking for them girls with the big old hoops that drop it down in Daisy Deuce I'm looking at you yeah you baby you got what I want I got what you want Girl you got what I need I got what you need 37, 27, 42 squeeze all of that my coop girl I I'm the ones I'm trying to recruit.
- [23:36]
Dixie de La Tour
That song was Chunky by Bruno Mars.
- [23:39]
Shameless Sex Podcast Announcer
Are you ready for the unleashed tour where shamelessness, sexiness and laughter collide in hilarious words, orgy of fun, discovery and sex edutainment. Embark on a captivating nationwide journey with the Shameless Sex podcast and an electrifying ensemble of sex educators and sex positive entertainers as they bring you an unforgettably titillating live experience. Be a part of mesmerizing, entertaining, boundary pushing acts, shameless sex style. Ever heard of the Slurpee stick shift? Want to learn how to bury your face in her? How about some dirty talk, improv or brat taming 101? Get ready for non stop laughter as our charismatic hosts and entertainers weave humor into the fabric of this liberating celebration of sexual diversity and freedom. Engage in interactive segments, Q and A sessions and a chance to connect with like minded individuals in an inclusive and empowering environment. Listen up, Portland, Chicago, Seattle. We're coming to you. For more information and to get your tickets right now, go to shamelesssex.com and be part of a night that will be fun, educational, sexy, hilarious and shamelessly unforgettable. Seats are filling up fast, so don't miss out on the most unforgettable show of the year.
- [24:58]
Dixie de La Tour
You know, I'm tired of doing this. I really am. I'm tired of telling you that I'm broke and I can't afford to go out of pocket on this podcast anymore. It's all coming from me. Maybe I'm bad at ads, maybe I'm bad at being a business person. That would not surprise me. At all, but I can't afford to do this anymore. I am excited to tell you that if you sign up for Patreon right now, you can get a free livestream ticket because I am going to be live streaming that show that I'm doing in Portland on June 21st. I posted on Patreon this morning and said, hey you guys, I'm gonna be live streaming the show. The venue is set up with their own livestream. That means they've worked the kinks out. It's gonna work great. And I immediately got an email from someone who said, I am sobbing in the grocery store in Barcelona because I have missed being at a live Body so much and this is almost as good as being there. If you want to get tickets to the live stream, you can get them on the ticket link. It's in the show notes for this show. Or you can support us in an ongoing way like Patreon. Patreon is a great way to make sure that I continue because right now we're getting near the end of where I have to make a decision one way or another. So if Patreon's your thing, you can get a free livestream ticket or there's also supporting us on Cash app and Venmo and PayPal and Zelle and I don't know, I'll make up new ways to for you to support me because I do want to keep doing this. I really do. So go to P a t r e o-n.com body support us however you can. And thanks in advance. I really want to keep doing this with you and when you respond, any sort of response makes me feel like you're listening and that I should continue. Remember how last week where I gave you some tips and tricks on how to write a podcast review? Well, I want to say it must have worked. I don't know that it was me. I think maybe the person who wrote this review knows what the fuck they're doing because I thought this was a great one. The review says five stars. Worth a listen. You will laugh, you will learn. You might feel turned on. I've been listening to Bodies since the beginning and I have loved and been able to hear how it's changed and grown over time. This podcast in my 20s, when I was trying to learn more about my sexuality and what experience exists out there while body storytelling covers it all and really normalized my sexuality for me as well as taught me how to be open to anything someone brings to the table because it might pleasantly surprise me. Dixie does an excellent job of finding thrilling sexual subject matter and experts with wild tales, but bringing to life the everyday people's sexual tales and adventures, that's what she does best. It's relatable and funny and a great listen. Thank you so much podcast lover 45. I really appreciate it. I'd love it if you would write me a podcast review. It really makes my day to sit down with my coffee first thing in the morning, look at my email and there it is. A review just like this one. It makes me feel like this is worth it. I really appreciate you doing that. Thank you. And I want to say thank you to the people who make this podcast possible. Thank you to David Grossoff, to Mohsa Maxwell Smith, to Donal Mooney, and of course to podcast producer Roman Din Haudeker. I'm sexual folklorist Dixie de la Tour. This has been episode 294 of the Bawdy Storytelling Podcast. Thanks for listening.