Jeffrey Allen Hayes (10:25)

Hi. I just got a text from my dad, and he said, I'm so proud of you. He texts me for every show that I do, and he knows that I talk about sex and stuff, and he's just so adorable about it. And I had to share that with all of you. So let's talk about glory holes. So I was on an app, Scruff. I feel like Scruff should give me some money because I talk about them in 90% of my stories. But Scruff is an app, much like Grindr, where it has, like a. Like a grid of all the guys near you and how far away they are. And there was this one guy on the app, and it was just like a blank sheet was the profile picture. I was like, okay, well, good for you. And I didn't pay any mind to it, but he sent me a message and he was like, hey, I have a glory hole in my house. I would like for you to come visit. And I was like, oh, well, thank you very much for the invitation. Is there like a. Should I rsvp? Like, what's the time I don't like because I didn't know the glory hole etiquette. So fast forward to me Googling glory hole etiquette. I was raised right, okay, so I'm, I'm sitting and I'm Googling glory hole etiquette and I recommend you do it because it's going to enlighten you a little bit to the world. Because there were some things where I was like, oh, this is good to know. Like I don't have to bring baked goods. This is something I'm not used to when visiting someone's home. But then there were some things where I was like, what? Because. So let's say you have a penis, right? And you put it through a glory hole as you are often want to do and the person receiving the penis doesn't want to receive that penis. Right? Okay, more power to you. I understand. We all have our wants and needs, so if they do not want that penis, they can just tap lightly on it twice to say no thank you. And I thought that is delightful. What a wonderful society we live in. But then, but then I read a little further and they said if the bottom is particularly upset, it is not uncommon for the bottom to slap the dick. So this has quickly turned around as a scenario for me into like a nightmare scenario where there are no brownies and there is dick slapping. And this is not going well for me. So I'm like filled with fear, but I'm also filled with this feeling of like I've never had anonymous sex before. Like, what is this? Like I don't know what he looks like and I'll never know. And this is so exciting and I want to try it. And my partner at the time had been to many a glory hole and he was Old Hatta and he was like, I remember my first time. I don't know why I'm making him sound like an old smoker. He was like this tiny, adorable Twinkie type and like I'm making him sound like. But that's what it felt like to me. Like he was the one who had been there before and seen it all. And I was like the new fresh faced one who was very confused. And you know, I wanted to do it to prove to myself that I could do it. And if I'm being honest, to prove to him that I could do it. So I was like, okay, I can do this. I can go and have anonymous meaningless sex and it's going to be good and I can do this, America. And so, so I go to his Address that's in the Castro. Because of course it is. And I'm texting, and I'm like, do I knock? Like, what do I do? And he's like, just come in. I'm ready for you. I'm like, okay. So I open the door. And it took me a lot to open that door. Cause I was like, I really feel like I should knock. Like, I know you told me that I didn't have to, but I feel like I'm supposed to. But I was like, okay, game face, Jeffrey. You can do this. You can have anonymous sex, and you can do it well. Okay? So I go in, and I close the door behind me. And I'm immediately confronted with a curtain. And it's a curtain with a hole in it. And I'm like, okay, I know what this is for. I can do this. So I just whip out my penis and. And I put it through the hole, and it does not get slapped. We're doing really well. We're doing. Things are going really well. And in fact, a really wonderful sensation happens. There is now what I presume to be a mouth on my penis. I felt mouths on my penis. This is what this feels like. So, so far, so good. But, like, the thing is, I'm fighting this thing internally because I'm like, I want to have anonymous sex, but I'm also like, but I really want to touch this person who's giving me this amazing feeling. Like, I want to reciprocate in some way. And, like, all this energy is, like, pulsing in my fingertips, and I'm, like, clawing onto the wall, like, trying so hard to express something to him, but I'm just, like, moaning. And I'm like, I guess that's good enough. But I'm just. I am in such ecstasy. And I don't know if he understands, but I think he understands, because the next thing I know, his mouth comes off of my penis. And then I feel the mouth back on. But I also feel something else. It is a condom. He is putting a condom on with his mouth.

Jeffrey Allen Hayes (16:18)

That's really cool.

Jeffrey Allen Hayes (16:20)

Oh, my gosh. I was like, I didn't know this could happen. They didn't cover this in the glory hole etiquette. Like, oh, my God, this is, like, extra credit. So it's going really well. And then I feel him slide back onto me, and I'm like, oh, my gosh, this is happening. So I start thrusting, and I do the thing, and I'm doing the fucking, and I'm doing well, and it's going really nicely. Thank you. Thank you. But here's the thing. It's like I can't contain myself, right? Like I've gone just so ecstatic with joy at this occasion. And I'm not sure if I'm supposed to do this or not, but I reach around the corner of the curtain and I grab him by the hip. And I'm not sure if this is okay or not, but then suddenly he grabs from around the curtain and he grabs my hip and he's like thrusting me harder and I'm like, yay, this is okay. This is great. And then the curtain comes down because the curtain was not ready for that. And I guess that's fair because we were not ready for what the curtain did. And like the curtain and the curtain rod thing, I don't know what it's called. I'm not a curtain Smith. But it comes down and it hits us both and we fall down and we're like in draped in this curtain. And I see him and he has this look of like, horror on his face. And I just. I look at him and I'm just. All I can say is, you're beautiful. Because he is. And we fuck so hard. You guys, like.

Dixie de La Tour (18:17)

I. Oh.

Jeffrey Allen Hayes (18:25)

The coolest part. The coolest part. The coolest part. Oh, the coolest part is when the curtain came down, somehow, miraculously, I did not slip out of him. He had like this Vulcan death grip thing on my dick. And it was great because I could stay inside. And then we just kept going. And it was wonderful. And it was. I feel like I'm not allowed to say it was romantic, but, like, it was so romantic. So the bad news is, it turns out I'm not very good at having anonymous sex. Because even when I'm trying really hard, I end up establishing a connection. This is just a problem I have and I'm at peace with it. The good news is this supposed one night stand actually ended up being a really beautiful relationship. And it did come to an end. But I have to say, I am so glad it happened. And I am so glad I did not get my dick slapped.

Jeffrey Allen Hayes (19:46)

Hey, how you doing? Thanks for coming to my studio here. Got some shit to say. That's right.

Ninja Sex Party (19:54)

The times we've had, the times we've missed the times we've embraced and the times we've kissed. The times we've loved and the times we've laughed. Now it's time to accept my shaft.

Jeffrey Allen Hayes (20:13)

Whoa.

Jeffrey Allen Hayes (20:15)

A shaft.

Ninja Sex Party (20:19)

The times we've spent, the times we've shared the times we've shown each other just how much we care? The times we've lived? All the time's for reflection? Now you must survive a thunderous erection. Whoa.

Jeffrey Allen Hayes (20:40)

It's another river shaft.

Ninja Sex Party (21:05)

You are the only one I can be myself around? I've come undone? You are the only one.

Ninja Sex Party (21:26)

Who can.

Ninja Sex Party (21:27)

Lift my heart up off the ground?

Ninja Sex Party (21:50)

The time's behind the times foretold? Forgive me if I'm being just a bit too bold? But our sweet love won't be forsaken?

Ninja Sex Party (22:03)

Once you are.

Ninja Sex Party (22:06)

Goggling my bacon?

Ninja Sex Party (22:14)

Oh, the times we've seen and the times ahead?

Ninja Sex Party (22:19)

Grab a couple pillows and get on that be. You'll want to lay back and clear your calendar once I introduce you to my friend Excalibur.

Ninja Sex Party (22:39)

You take me higher? You set my loins afire? You are the slam pig I desire? Do you got our plow you all around the house? Cause you lift my heart up off the ground?

Jeffrey Allen Hayes (23:17)

Lift my heart up off the ground? But try to find a way to incorporate the shaft while you are doing so. Actually, you know what? Really concentrate on the shaft more so than the heart. The shaft should definitely be your main focus. Can't stress that enough.

Dixie de La Tour (23:45)

I know, I know. Sometimes I should be supervised. That song was called Accept My Shaft by Ninja Sex Party. I'm sorry. Oh, I forgot to tell you something. I heard you earlier on when I was telling you about the live and in person workshop in Chicago, and you were like, oh, I wish I could go to that, but I'm not near that. Well, guess what? I'm doing a virtual workshop too. How to be B. Dixie's Secret System for Uncensored storytelling is happening online. It's a six week workshop you can attend from wherever you are and we even have office hours. So every week we can get together and try out stories and tell stories. It's one of the most fun things you can do. Reminds you of how many great moments you've had in your life and how many you're gonna have again. It's gonna inspire you to new adventures. Storytelling definitely does that at every single live body I produce. It's gonna start on Monday, September 16th. Six Monday nights in a row. Weekly office hours where we can try out the things that we've learned that week. And it's already almost halfway full. I tried to put it out a month or so ago and then just realized it felt like the wrong time. This feels like the right time. So. Monday, September 16th, for six weeks. I love helping you find your story. It's like that place where I hit flow. And I'm excited. I get to hear stories. That's what I want to do with my life every single day. And I want you to feel like a powerful storyteller so that you can get out there in the world and tell your stories, too. There's a link in the show notes to sign up and do it soon because space is limited. Oh, my God. Oh, I don't know. The world. The world just feels better this week, doesn't it? I want to say thank you to the people who have signed up to become members of our Patreon. Thank you to Jordan, Dave, Joe, Terry, Lana, Keegan, Gwen, Y' all are giving me hope. You're telling me that you want this podcast to continue? Because I've let you know that I can't afford to do it anymore. And Patreon is the thing that's keeping it going. As I said, we're getting really close to 300, and it's a decision I've had to make, and I don't like making decisions like this by myself because you're part of it. This is a podcast that you listen to. And signing up to be a Patreon member, that really makes me feel like maybe, maybe I should continue past 300. If you'd like to help me make that decision, go to P A t r e o-n.com bodi and support me whatever level you can. Makes a big difference. I've decided I'm going to revive the Butt Plug Club. I was talking to the Shameless Sex Podcast. I'm going to be on their podcast this week and we were talking about Anal August. And I said, we have this level called the Butt Plug Club, where I tell everybody I'm going to send you a butt plug. My little cartoon face on the back of it. Put your butt plug in. Put your earbuds in. We're going to get on a call and we're just going to be unfiltered. We're going to be ourselves. We're going to have a conversation. Could be about anal. It could be about anything we want because we're grown ups and we get to make decisions like that. I love getting to meet the people who listen to the podcast and this is such a great way to do it. So go to patreon.com, sign up there. If that's not your jam, just do it Through Venmo or PayPal or Cash App or Zelle or there's links in the show notes for any way that you want to do it. I want to make it easy for you. Because if you do that, you make it easy for me to say yes to continuing this thing. Thanks for considering. And thank you. Just thank you. I'm just going to say thank you. Whenever you take the time to review this podcast, not only does it lift me up, and it definitely does, but it lets other people know that we're worth their time because they don't know me. But you, you have a great reputation. Of course they're gonna listen to you. You can just do it wherever you listen to podcasts. Go in, write a review, and I will get a notification that I have a new review. That's how I find it. I just got this notification the other day and I wanted to share it with you. This says Bawdy is a gem among the gravel pit of podcasts. Today. Dixie makes you feel like she's chatting with a friend. Friend. And the storytellers will have you blushing, laughing, and tingling with delight with gratitude from eight miles wide. Thank you, Jen, for that review, and I hope you've inspired others to write one, too. I do know that writing a review or testimonial feels hard, but just speak from your heart if you love it. Here's the best way I find to write a review. Listen to an episode, and when you're feeling it, you're like, oh, my God, I really enjoyed that. Just speak from your heart. Just write it down, whatever stood out to you. It's so much easier than trying to find words when you're not in the moment. And like I said, I know it's hard, and I appreciate any time that you make an attempt to do it, because then I get to read it. Thank you for considering that. And I also want to say thank you to the people who make this podcast possible. Thank you to Donal Mooney, to David Grossoff, Mohsa Maxwell Smith, and podcast producer Roman Dan Houdeker. I'm sexual folklorist Dixie Delator. This has been episode 298. That's right. We're getting close, y'. All. And this has been the Bawdi storytelling podcast. Thanks for listening.