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Bawdy Storytelling
Episode 298: ‘Gloryhole Virgin’ (Jeffrey Allen Hayes)
00:29:42
In this episode, we dive into the hilarious and awkward world of Gloryhole etiquette with professional Game Master Jeffrey Allen Hayes. New to the world of anonymous sex, Jeffrey finds himself perplexed by an invite on the Scruff app. As he navigates...
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Transcript28 lines
- [00:02]
Dixie de La Tour
The following podcast contains true stories of sex, kink, gender, or body image. Thanks for being a consenting adult. Cause here we go.
- [00:12]
Jen
All of my life I've never fit But I won't complain and I won't quit I am enormous.
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Ninja Sex Party
Get used to it.
- [00:27]
Jen
Everyone tells me I'm too much Maybe it's too much. Just you're not enough for me can't you see I'm the kind of woman I'm supposed to be? Hey, my vagina is eight miles wide. Absolutely everyone can come inside. If you're ever frightened, just run and hide. My vagina is eight miles.
- [00:58]
Jeffrey Allen Hayes
What?
- [01:05]
Dixie de La Tour
Hi there, and welcome to the Bawdi storytelling podcast. I'm sexual folklorist Dixie de La Tour. And this week, we have a story from drama therapist and professional game master Jeffrey Ellen Hayes. I hope you're doing well, my little potato. I had so many things I wanted to talk to you about, but they were about my world, the emails I get, what's. What's currently happening in my life. But I want to focus this week on my favorite word. And I bet it's your favorite word, too, because I have been seeing it everywhere in the past few days. I was so excited when Joe Biden stepped down and Kamala Harris stepped up. I've loved that woman. And I've had a dream that this could be our president. We could have a woman president, someone who cares about other human beings, someone who embodies equality and kindness. And, you know, I don't normally talk about politics, so I gotta be really excited to share this with you. It feels very vulnerable to talk about something that a lot of people feel very strongly about. Your opinion may be different than mine, but I'm just happy. I'm so happy. And then when Tim Waltz joined the ticket, it's just been all I've seen everywhere is my favorite word. And my favorite word, it's always been my favorite word is joy. It's what I do with my show when people want to tell a story and it's a downer and it's hard, yes, I will let you tell that story, but ultimately, you got to bring them back up. You gotta give the world hope. Body storytelling is a celebration, and at the heart of any celebration is joy. So watching the last few days, watching everybody throw out the word joy with images of these two people looking joyful, holding pigs, dancing on stage, so different than the way we've been feeling the past couple of years. We really needed that hope. And I feel like it's been a complete Transformation for me. I have been throwing myself at work, trying to figure out what's next, planning a tour, and you just never know where things gonna be. But to suddenly just have everything feel like it's possible, because this feels possible. I just wanna see us continue this for the next however many days we have. Not that many. I've been watching people at the Democratic Convention. Sold out, no room. All the rooms are booked in town. And everybody's just feeling so hopeful. So don't judge me because I talked about politics on a podcast about storytelling. If it ever affected our lives, right now is when it's going to affect our lives. It's not this way. Off. They're doing whatever they do in Washington kind of place. Our world has been upended, and I'm really excited about the possibility of it being turned into the world we want to live in. So I hope you agree with me. If you don't, I'm grateful for the fact that you listen with an open mind and realize that everybody has a different take on things. My take is the world is a better place this week, and I want to see it keep getting better. I want to see children get fed. I want to see people feel more secure financially. And I want to see all my queer friends have the rights they deserve, the life they're entitled to live. I want that for all of us. I want reproductive rights, of course. I have told my story on stage about my reproductive history, and that story is called Reproduction Roller Coaster. Because I am a fertile girl. And when you know you don't want kids, that could be a problem. But I feel like we're headed in the right direction. I'd love it, as always, if you'd tell me what you think. I love it when you send me voice memos. I love it when you send me emails. It's bodystorytellingmail.com is the best email address. I'd love to hear your hopeful voice and know that you're gonna get out there and vote just like I am, and we're gonna make this happen. That was the most different Dixie Ramble, wasn't it? That was not what you expected. I started talking into a microphone. It wasn't what I expected. Cause I don't script it. I just feel it. And today that's what I'm feeling. I'm feeling joy. I am feeling joy. Well, I'm ready to make an announcement today that has been a long time coming. I am so excited to tell you that bawdy storytelling is coming back to Chicago. I Love Chicago. I did the show so many times there before the pandemic and haven't been in a long time, but I finally got the perfect venue. I'm going to tell you, and there's also an ask in this. I am going to perform Body at the Heath Main stage in the Den Theater which is one of the most beautiful theaters I've ever seen. All these big time comics and podcast shows perform on that stage. It's where I want to be. The date is going to be on Friday, September 6th and that is soon. So if you know anybody in Chicago, please make sure that they know that Bawdy's coming. That is a incredibly short timeline. Finally got the contract and I signed it. They were in charge of my tickets. I finally got my ticket link and and we're ready to roll. So it's Friday, September 6, happening on the Heath Main stage at the Den Theater in Chicago. That same weekend I'm going to be offering how to be Dixie's Secret System for Uncensored Storytelling. This is going to be an all day intensive. Me and you and a bunch of open minded, fun people telling our stories, learning how to do it well. You're going to walk out a master storyteller. You're going to feel so much more comfortable talking about what feels like difficult stories that could be trying to talk about polyamory in a way that invites people into your story. Talking about kink, talking about consent. I have been working in this realm for so long and I have lots of ways to do it that I know work because they've worked for how many years now? So I would love it if you would be part of that all day storytelling intensive. It's going to be happening in a private location that'll be released to you once you register. There's a link in the show notes for tickets to buy tickets for the Chicago show at the Den and also for the all day storytelling intensive. I'm going to be in Chicago for the weekend. Let's hang out. Let's hang out for the whole weekend, why don't we? I'll see you on Friday, September 6th. And I'm so excited to be coming back to Chicago. Right behind it. I'm gonna have announcements for other cities that I am putting tickets up for right now. Coming back to Portland, Oregon. I'm gonna be in Philly doing something for first Person arts really soon. I've got Seattle and Boston and I'm working on another city really soon. But pay attention Chicago, your job. If you choose to accept it is to get your tickets now for that show at the den on Friday, September 6th. Thanks for spreading the word. It's time for a story, and I'm so happy that I get to share one that I love. Not just because I love the story, the playfulness, the clever creativity that goes into this person's approach to sex and kink, but it's a person I adore. You may have heard him on our podcast before. He's a beloved fixture and has won Best Body Storytelling many, many times. So just in case you're not sure who I'm talking about, I'm going to tell you who that is. Jeffrey Allen Hayes has won Best of Body multiple times. He holds an MA in drama therapy and works as a professional game master, facilitating games like Dungeons and Dragons, with a focus on emotional growth and healing. Jeffrey is a beloved core member of the bawdy family, and his stories are among our most requested. I love Jeffrey Ellen Hayes so much. When I first met him, I felt like I'd met a version of myself. That same attitude toward, I'm gonna be who I am. I'm gonna do it my way. I can make it up. Sex and kink. Who says there's a rule. I wanna break the rules. That's the way I feel. And when I met Jeffrey, I was like, oh, my God, I'm not the only one. Jeffrey does it too. I hope this story inspires you. This storyteller is Jeffrey Allen Hayes.
- [10:26]
Jeffrey Allen Hayes
Hi. I just got a text from my dad, and he said, I'm so proud of you. He texts me for every show that I do, and he knows that I talk about sex and stuff, and he's just so adorable about it. And I had to share that with all of you. So let's talk about glory holes. So I was on an app, Scruff. I feel like Scruff should give me some money because I talk about them in 90% of my stories. But Scruff is an app, much like Grindr, where it has, like a. Like a grid of all the guys near you and how far away they are. And there was this one guy on the app, and it was just like a blank sheet was the profile picture. I was like, okay, well, good for you. And I didn't pay any mind to it, but he sent me a message and he was like, hey, I have a glory hole in my house. I would like for you to come visit. And I was like, oh, well, thank you very much for the invitation. Is there like a. Should I rsvp? Like, what's the time I don't like because I didn't know the glory hole etiquette. So fast forward to me Googling glory hole etiquette. I was raised right, okay, so I'm, I'm sitting and I'm Googling glory hole etiquette and I recommend you do it because it's going to enlighten you a little bit to the world. Because there were some things where I was like, oh, this is good to know. Like I don't have to bring baked goods. This is something I'm not used to when visiting someone's home. But then there were some things where I was like, what? Because. So let's say you have a penis, right? And you put it through a glory hole as you are often want to do and the person receiving the penis doesn't want to receive that penis. Right? Okay, more power to you. I understand. We all have our wants and needs, so if they do not want that penis, they can just tap lightly on it twice to say no thank you. And I thought that is delightful. What a wonderful society we live in. But then, but then I read a little further and they said if the bottom is particularly upset, it is not uncommon for the bottom to slap the dick. So this has quickly turned around as a scenario for me into like a nightmare scenario where there are no brownies and there is dick slapping. And this is not going well for me. So I'm like filled with fear, but I'm also filled with this feeling of like I've never had anonymous sex before. Like, what is this? Like I don't know what he looks like and I'll never know. And this is so exciting and I want to try it. And my partner at the time had been to many a glory hole and he was Old Hatta and he was like, I remember my first time. I don't know why I'm making him sound like an old smoker. He was like this tiny, adorable Twinkie type and like I'm making him sound like. But that's what it felt like to me. Like he was the one who had been there before and seen it all. And I was like the new fresh faced one who was very confused. And you know, I wanted to do it to prove to myself that I could do it. And if I'm being honest, to prove to him that I could do it. So I was like, okay, I can do this. I can go and have anonymous meaningless sex and it's going to be good and I can do this, America. And so, so I go to his Address that's in the Castro. Because of course it is. And I'm texting, and I'm like, do I knock? Like, what do I do? And he's like, just come in. I'm ready for you. I'm like, okay. So I open the door. And it took me a lot to open that door. Cause I was like, I really feel like I should knock. Like, I know you told me that I didn't have to, but I feel like I'm supposed to. But I was like, okay, game face, Jeffrey. You can do this. You can have anonymous sex, and you can do it well. Okay? So I go in, and I close the door behind me. And I'm immediately confronted with a curtain. And it's a curtain with a hole in it. And I'm like, okay, I know what this is for. I can do this. So I just whip out my penis and. And I put it through the hole, and it does not get slapped. We're doing really well. We're doing. Things are going really well. And in fact, a really wonderful sensation happens. There is now what I presume to be a mouth on my penis. I felt mouths on my penis. This is what this feels like. So, so far, so good. But, like, the thing is, I'm fighting this thing internally because I'm like, I want to have anonymous sex, but I'm also like, but I really want to touch this person who's giving me this amazing feeling. Like, I want to reciprocate in some way. And, like, all this energy is, like, pulsing in my fingertips, and I'm, like, clawing onto the wall, like, trying so hard to express something to him, but I'm just, like, moaning. And I'm like, I guess that's good enough. But I'm just. I am in such ecstasy. And I don't know if he understands, but I think he understands, because the next thing I know, his mouth comes off of my penis. And then I feel the mouth back on. But I also feel something else. It is a condom. He is putting a condom on with his mouth.
- [16:18]
That's really cool.
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Oh, my gosh. I was like, I didn't know this could happen. They didn't cover this in the glory hole etiquette. Like, oh, my God, this is, like, extra credit. So it's going really well. And then I feel him slide back onto me, and I'm like, oh, my gosh, this is happening. So I start thrusting, and I do the thing, and I'm doing the fucking, and I'm doing well, and it's going really nicely. Thank you. Thank you. But here's the thing. It's like I can't contain myself, right? Like I've gone just so ecstatic with joy at this occasion. And I'm not sure if I'm supposed to do this or not, but I reach around the corner of the curtain and I grab him by the hip. And I'm not sure if this is okay or not, but then suddenly he grabs from around the curtain and he grabs my hip and he's like thrusting me harder and I'm like, yay, this is okay. This is great. And then the curtain comes down because the curtain was not ready for that. And I guess that's fair because we were not ready for what the curtain did. And like the curtain and the curtain rod thing, I don't know what it's called. I'm not a curtain Smith. But it comes down and it hits us both and we fall down and we're like in draped in this curtain. And I see him and he has this look of like, horror on his face. And I just. I look at him and I'm just. All I can say is, you're beautiful. Because he is. And we fuck so hard. You guys, like.
- [18:17]
Dixie de La Tour
I. Oh.
- [18:25]
Jeffrey Allen Hayes
The coolest part. The coolest part. The coolest part. Oh, the coolest part is when the curtain came down, somehow, miraculously, I did not slip out of him. He had like this Vulcan death grip thing on my dick. And it was great because I could stay inside. And then we just kept going. And it was wonderful. And it was. I feel like I'm not allowed to say it was romantic, but, like, it was so romantic. So the bad news is, it turns out I'm not very good at having anonymous sex. Because even when I'm trying really hard, I end up establishing a connection. This is just a problem I have and I'm at peace with it. The good news is this supposed one night stand actually ended up being a really beautiful relationship. And it did come to an end. But I have to say, I am so glad it happened. And I am so glad I did not get my dick slapped.
- [19:46]
Hey, how you doing? Thanks for coming to my studio here. Got some shit to say. That's right.
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Ninja Sex Party
The times we've had, the times we've missed the times we've embraced and the times we've kissed. The times we've loved and the times we've laughed. Now it's time to accept my shaft.
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Jeffrey Allen Hayes
Whoa.
- [20:16]
A shaft.
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Ninja Sex Party
The times we've spent, the times we've shared the times we've shown each other just how much we care? The times we've lived? All the time's for reflection? Now you must survive a thunderous erection. Whoa.
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Jeffrey Allen Hayes
It's another river shaft.
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Ninja Sex Party
You are the only one I can be myself around? I've come undone? You are the only one.
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Who can.
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Lift my heart up off the ground?
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The time's behind the times foretold? Forgive me if I'm being just a bit too bold? But our sweet love won't be forsaken?
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Once you are.
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Goggling my bacon?
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Oh, the times we've seen and the times ahead?
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Grab a couple pillows and get on that be. You'll want to lay back and clear your calendar once I introduce you to my friend Excalibur.
- [22:40]
You take me higher? You set my loins afire? You are the slam pig I desire? Do you got our plow you all around the house? Cause you lift my heart up off the ground?
- [23:18]
Jeffrey Allen Hayes
Lift my heart up off the ground? But try to find a way to incorporate the shaft while you are doing so. Actually, you know what? Really concentrate on the shaft more so than the heart. The shaft should definitely be your main focus. Can't stress that enough.
- [23:46]
Dixie de La Tour
I know, I know. Sometimes I should be supervised. That song was called Accept My Shaft by Ninja Sex Party. I'm sorry. Oh, I forgot to tell you something. I heard you earlier on when I was telling you about the live and in person workshop in Chicago, and you were like, oh, I wish I could go to that, but I'm not near that. Well, guess what? I'm doing a virtual workshop too. How to be B. Dixie's Secret System for Uncensored storytelling is happening online. It's a six week workshop you can attend from wherever you are and we even have office hours. So every week we can get together and try out stories and tell stories. It's one of the most fun things you can do. Reminds you of how many great moments you've had in your life and how many you're gonna have again. It's gonna inspire you to new adventures. Storytelling definitely does that at every single live body I produce. It's gonna start on Monday, September 16th. Six Monday nights in a row. Weekly office hours where we can try out the things that we've learned that week. And it's already almost halfway full. I tried to put it out a month or so ago and then just realized it felt like the wrong time. This feels like the right time. So. Monday, September 16th, for six weeks. I love helping you find your story. It's like that place where I hit flow. And I'm excited. I get to hear stories. That's what I want to do with my life every single day. And I want you to feel like a powerful storyteller so that you can get out there in the world and tell your stories, too. There's a link in the show notes to sign up and do it soon because space is limited. Oh, my God. Oh, I don't know. The world. The world just feels better this week, doesn't it? I want to say thank you to the people who have signed up to become members of our Patreon. Thank you to Jordan, Dave, Joe, Terry, Lana, Keegan, Gwen, Y' all are giving me hope. You're telling me that you want this podcast to continue? Because I've let you know that I can't afford to do it anymore. And Patreon is the thing that's keeping it going. As I said, we're getting really close to 300, and it's a decision I've had to make, and I don't like making decisions like this by myself because you're part of it. This is a podcast that you listen to. And signing up to be a Patreon member, that really makes me feel like maybe, maybe I should continue past 300. If you'd like to help me make that decision, go to P A t r e o-n.com bodi and support me whatever level you can. Makes a big difference. I've decided I'm going to revive the Butt Plug Club. I was talking to the Shameless Sex Podcast. I'm going to be on their podcast this week and we were talking about Anal August. And I said, we have this level called the Butt Plug Club, where I tell everybody I'm going to send you a butt plug. My little cartoon face on the back of it. Put your butt plug in. Put your earbuds in. We're going to get on a call and we're just going to be unfiltered. We're going to be ourselves. We're going to have a conversation. Could be about anal. It could be about anything we want because we're grown ups and we get to make decisions like that. I love getting to meet the people who listen to the podcast and this is such a great way to do it. So go to patreon.com, sign up there. If that's not your jam, just do it Through Venmo or PayPal or Cash App or Zelle or there's links in the show notes for any way that you want to do it. I want to make it easy for you. Because if you do that, you make it easy for me to say yes to continuing this thing. Thanks for considering. And thank you. Just thank you. I'm just going to say thank you. Whenever you take the time to review this podcast, not only does it lift me up, and it definitely does, but it lets other people know that we're worth their time because they don't know me. But you, you have a great reputation. Of course they're gonna listen to you. You can just do it wherever you listen to podcasts. Go in, write a review, and I will get a notification that I have a new review. That's how I find it. I just got this notification the other day and I wanted to share it with you. This says Bawdy is a gem among the gravel pit of podcasts. Today. Dixie makes you feel like she's chatting with a friend. Friend. And the storytellers will have you blushing, laughing, and tingling with delight with gratitude from eight miles wide. Thank you, Jen, for that review, and I hope you've inspired others to write one, too. I do know that writing a review or testimonial feels hard, but just speak from your heart if you love it. Here's the best way I find to write a review. Listen to an episode, and when you're feeling it, you're like, oh, my God, I really enjoyed that. Just speak from your heart. Just write it down, whatever stood out to you. It's so much easier than trying to find words when you're not in the moment. And like I said, I know it's hard, and I appreciate any time that you make an attempt to do it, because then I get to read it. Thank you for considering that. And I also want to say thank you to the people who make this podcast possible. Thank you to Donal Mooney, to David Grossoff, Mohsa Maxwell Smith, and podcast producer Roman Dan Houdeker. I'm sexual folklorist Dixie Delator. This has been episode 298. That's right. We're getting close, y'. All. And this has been the Bawdi storytelling podcast. Thanks for listening.