Delenium (5:46)

You did it. It's gonna be great. It's gonna be great. It's a Tuesday night in north beach, and a large Samoan man bouncer is tapping me on the shoulder, and he's saying, ma', am, you and your date are going to need to leave the strip club. And it's true. We've been warned. And he reminds us that he's warned us a number of times. So me and this guy crash peel ourselves apart, because I'm Straddling him somehow publicly in the strip club. We peel ourselves apart and I remember vividly pushing my shirt back over my boobs. And we look at each other with that very awkward crossroads moment of like, so should we take this party elsewhere or should we quit while we both still have a job? That's the problem. Back up. It's 2008. I've taken a break from working in social services. Very hard work, to be bored shitless working as a creative recruiter in a nice little office in North Beach. But I did that just in time for the economy to completely tank and we laid off two thirds of our staff, which unfortunately included Dixie. I'm so sorry. It wasn't personal. It really wasn't. And so I am now alone in an office with the owner in his 60s, another woman in her 60s, and me in a brick wall. In one window, I am pretending to cold call all day, every day. And it's just soul sucking, as you can imagine. And one day the phone rings and I answer it and it's a way too enthusiastic, overly confident young man from Berkeley saying, I am offering my free services for you for the summer. Really? And I'm intrigued. And he says, well, I need a summer internship and I'm in marketing, but this is because my plans to go be a water polo player in the summer Olympics in China just fell through. So I'm further intrigued and I think there's no fucking way he's going to want to work here. It's like a post apocalyptic office scene with like nobody there and top ramen and stuff. And we. But I was like, but if I get him an interview, then I'll be able to see what he looks like. And so I get him the interview and Crash arrives. Crash is six foot, something yummy. He is caramel skinned. He has that straw like hair from being burned from chlorine, you know, it's blonde, it's brown, it's just like this, but it's beautiful. And that caramel skin and he just, he smells like sunshine in a suit. And I'm ha ha, do the answer the door thing, introduce him to my boss. And I literally run into the break room to the water, cool. And I'm just sweating, sweating. And I'm doing the like, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. He looks like he sounds. He looks like he sounds. What are the chances? And I can't believe it. And so I stay in there because I don't have to decide the interview. And so my boss Actually comes around the corner to find me in the break room. He's like, I don't know what you're doing in here, but we've decided to hire Crash for the summer. And he's going to work directly under you. Teach him everything you know. I am a very bad person. Oh, no. And so we actually work together great for a couple weeks. He's actually funny, he's smart, all that sort of thing. I am perpetually sweaty pit girl. I'm like, nervous. I'm dressing a little nicer, I've gone to H and M, you know, whatever, and. But it's really just so pathetic. I mean, I'm just so embarrassed for myself because he is 21, I am 42. So stupid. So he. I'm twice his age. Do the math, right? And so it's just. I'm just embarrassed for myself. And I think I'm keeping it very cool. And sure enough, there's a work event. There are people and clients, and there's drinks, and there's drinks, and there's drinks. And I'm trying to hook him up with other young girls. He's like, no, no, they're not my type. They're stupid. And I'm like, what? Cause I'm trying to play, like, cool older sister thing. But then he's like, can you give me a ride to Bart? I'm like, sure, that's safe enough. And so we go walk into my car. But remember, we work in North Beach. What's in North Beach? Strip clubs. Strip clubs. Strip clubs. So everywhere we go, it's, you know, it's centerfolds. We walk by there, we laugh at the Tuesday night specials, and then we laugh at the half off specials at centerfolds and whatever. We walk back all the places, and suddenly as we're walking past one of the signs that say, you know, half off, I hear him mumble, you know, I've never even been in one of those. So I shit you not that. I remember vividly throwing down my coach purse and going, why, God? Why would you test me? Why? Why? And I said. I said, why would you give me such an easy pitch if you didn't want me to swing? And. And. And I remember, like people walking past kind of laughing. Cause I'm like, I've made a scene in front of. On a sidewalk, and I look at Crash, he's figuring out what I'm talking about, and no shit. He goes like this. He goes, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. He's holding his Backpack. This is his backpack. He goes, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm not ready for a delin adventure. I'm not ready for a delin adventure. I'm like, what does he know about a delin adventure? I call bullshit. So I'm like, come on, come on, it's taco Tuesday. Let's go get some margaritas and think about it. We have a margarita and I convince him it's a good time to go in. I'm his chaperone, I can protect him. It's just a different kind of Taco Tuesday. And yeah, Anna and I decided to point out to him that, honey, I've been having sex longer than you've been alive. Think about that. So we go into the Penthouse club and it's dark and depressing, just like you expect it to be. I don't know why. Everything's maroon and red and feels like it's damp, but it is. And we go in and it's totally dead. It's a Tuesday night, there's lingerie zombies laying around. Looks sad, and regulars at the bar. And we go in and they quickly escort us to the white leather armchairs. And they're clearly happy to see us. And I think, oh, my God, of course they are. We look employed and STD free, you know? And I'm like, for fuck's sake, he looks like Thor with a laptop. He's like walking in. And so we sit down and right away they're just all over us talking about how law school is really hard to pay for. And oh my God, and they're starting to like, circle us like lingerie clad sharks, you know what I mean? They're like sharks in lingerie swirling around us. And I'm just sort of laughing at him. And he leans over and he's like, oh, my God, is this how this works? I get to pick the one I like and they're gonna dance on my lap. I'm like, yes, yes. And I'm your boss. And so that's happening. And I remember he pushes this ruffled butt away to look at me and he goes, before I get too drunk or you think I'm too drunk, I just want you to know I think you're really funny, I think you're really smart. And I think we have something. We're special. And he takes this moment, he's like, I just don't want you to discount what I'm saying. I'm like, oh. And I'm like, right back at you. And this won't Go in your performance review, I promise. But at this point, I'm still like, so am I in the friend zone? The older. I think I'm more like that crazy aunt that buys you weed and has really bad boundaries. That's. I think that is totally where I'm at. And so this scene is just hilarious. And I decide to go to the bar and join like, comb over guy at the bar to watch this scene of the virgin face, you know, the whole thing. And pretty soon Crash comes over to me at the bar and his hair's all disheveled, and he's got that grin, like, candy store grin. And he's like, there's a champagne room. There's a champagne room. They say we should go to the champagne room. What's there? Champagne. I'm totally laughing. I'm like, no, no, no. I think you should stay here on the ground floor. Stay here on the ground floor. Keep your money. And I was like. And I was like, but maybe you should relax a little. And he still has his, you know, beautiful, luxurious, dark purple dress shirt on, black slacks, black shiny leather shoes. And I was like, you know, just relax a little. And so I unbutton his top button. And that's when divine intervention came in. And I suddenly felt the urge and that I was compelled. I was really compelled. It wasn't my fault. I ripped open his shirt just like in the movies or actually cartoons. I don't know that it's ever real, that it worked. It worked. It worked in one motion and time went, you know, slow. Because I hear all this ting, ting, ting, ting as the buttons are hitting glasses at the bar and the like, comb over guys are all, ha, ha ha, you know, And I look over and the ladies in waiting, they're, you know, all around us. They're like, oh my God, I still have buttons in my hair. And they're like, you guys are so crazy. I love your energy. I love your energy saying that. And I come to the champagne room. It's now like $50 instead of $300. And I decide as his chaperone, and I promise to protect him. And as his boss, I was like, no, we're gonna stay here. You do the chaperone. I mean, you do the champagne room. Another night, like with your fraternity brothers, not with me, your boss. It seems reasonable. But of course, at this point, I mean, we're drunk. We've been drinking all throughout the night. Cause this is a clothed type of semi clothed nudie place, whatever that means. And so we. So as I'M drunk. And he's shirtless, which is so hilarious because he is six foot two something guy who can't button his shirt. And he's completely caramelized brown with a six pack. And he's like, oh, I'm so embarrassed, you know, like this. And it's just great. He looks incredible. And so then I tie it up like a Marianne midriff. And I was like, now you go along and be a good, pretty little girl. He's like, what are you doing to me? But it's great. And so then I finally, at this moment, go, okay, well, how about a lap dance for us both as a consolation prize to not going to the champagne room? I still don't know if I'm the crazy aunt or what's happening. But he's scared of the lap dance. That's why he's come over of like, what do we do? How does this work? And so I pick the prettiest, curviest, brownish, Polynesian, Asian island something woman with buttons in her hair to do a double lap dance. And she's like, it's against the rules, but let's go for it. And we go to a bench and we sit down. He holds my hand and squeezes it. And she is totally writhing all over me. And I do one of those things that you don't want to admit where you're like, I'm totally showing off. I'm doing that cougar wet dream. I am going to get up in the business of this stripper while his eyes pop out of his head.

Raj (18:09)

You.

Delenium (18:09)

Know, and doing the, like, this isn't mama's first rodeo type of thing. So I'm cupping her big brown boobs. I remember vividly trying to get my fingers inside her, like, spandex, spanx outfit or whatever I do, you know, kissing her neck. And I look through her all this black hair that's all over me to see his face that's totally in shock. He's breaking my hand. He's squeezing it so tight. The bouncer again. Excuse me, you guys are gonna have to stop that. And he makes her leave and says, you know better. And so she leaves and crash. And I just look at each other like. And right then, I have to tell you, I don't know what happens. I don't know if I leap onto his lap like a crazy cougar or if he picks me up and so pick whichever version I like. The pick me up version, that's the one I like on his lap. And we go into One of those just frantic, frenzied make out of like, oh my God, I didn't think this would ever happen. Oh my God, I didn't know you felt the same way. And oh my God, and it's like what high school dreams are made of, of like, oh my God, he noticed me type of thing. And it's just incredible. His hands, his big water polo hands are immediately up, hanging onto my big old honking boobs. And it's right at that moment that I was like, I don't believe this is happening. And I was like, do you even really know how old I am? I think I need a disclaimer. Maybe he doesn't know what ride he's on or something. And I don't know what that means. And that's when he grabs the back of my hair, pulls it back and goes, does it look like I give a fuck? And I have to agree, it didn't look like he'd give a fuck. So we keep making out, we keep getting tap, tap, warning and we're like, and we can't stop. And finally we get escorted out of the strip club. You can't stop shit like that. But so now here we are at that crossroads and I'm thinking, wow, should let's see me, a middle aged woman, go sleep at his fraternity house at Berkeley? Or should I bring him home to my roommates and let him wear one of my shirts to work tomorrow? And that's when I do one of my usual, like, let's get serious, Dylan. And you're his mentor and you're his boss. I was like, I don't want to lose my shitty job this way. And I don't want to feel weird at work every day for the rest of the summer because this is awesome. This is the best part of anything in my mind that tends to happen. And so we have such a great time. We go, we gotta get to Bart. It closes in 10 minutes. We rush him to Bart. We get to BART and he gives me a goodnight kiss like nothing I've ever had. He grabs my thighs, you know, across the console in the car, gives me a kiss and he goes, this is the most amazing night of my life. I'm like, well, you have not lived, man. And he jumps out of the car with his backpack on. At the Montgomery station, crackheads and worker bees are pointing at him and laughing because he's bare midriff in his purple shirt. And he looks back at me and he goes like this.

Rose Caraway (21:26)

I'm like, right on.

Delenium (21:28)

I get A text right away that says, that was the best night of my life, you're the most amazing woman. And blah, blah, blah, blah. I'm drunk, you know, and so next work, the next day at work is great. It's fine. We are still high, possibly still drunk, I'm sure. And we're laughing about all the hickeys I've left all over his neck and we're covering them up and pinching each other by the water cooler and I suddenly realized, oh my God, I have a GYN appointment today. I have to go have a pelvic exam and it's like the rainforest down there. What do you do about it? It's not like you can get a shop vac, like a wet vac, like clean it up. And I was like, ah, well, what's the worst that could happen? So I leave work, I go to the appointment, my feet are in the stirrups and seriously, my doctor goes, is there something you want to tell me? What? And I was like, oh my God, did she lose her watch in there? A tool in there or something? What happened? And I go, that I'm really happy. And she goes, has something happened? I'm like, what the fuck? And she moves the sheet aside and I have a perfect five finger bruise handprint on the inside of my thigh. And I said, the only thing that's Happened is a 21 year old Olympic water polo player. So Crash and I worked together for the next couple weeks. It was cute, it was flirty, it was fun. But I really never regretted. This is where I go very off body storytelling script. I really never regretted not sleeping with him. I felt like the best part had already happened. Things could have gone really weird after that. And really that in honesty, part of why I've never been on this stage is I'm like, I don't have a lot of sex to talk about, but I don't feel like I ever am missing out on fun. I don't feel like I'm missing out on a lot. And I worry that it makes me very uncool, it makes me very unhip, it makes me very unliberated. If I'm not doing a lot of, you know, and, but then I think, I think it's pretty cool to take care of yourself and, and I, and I know me, I know me and I'm a hopeless romantic. That makes me monogamish. I think in general, like even when I'm single, I'm monogamish and I know me and there's always going to be the little girl in me that goes, why didn't he call? Why didn't you know that type of a thing? And I don't play the badass thing of, like, I don't care. I can do whatever. I was like, no, I feel hurt. And so I've made a point all my life that if I didn't decide in a sober state that it would be a great idea to get down to fucking, then I maybe shouldn't decide it in another state. And then I feel like I don't fit in, and I feel like it's different. But when I look back, I just don't regret it. I've had such an amazing time. I have so much fun. I have the dirtiest mind I maybe have ever met. I just know how my heart is and I know how to take care of it. And if it makes me boring or vanilla, I feel like it's a really yummy flavor sometimes.

Dixie De La Tour (25:21)

Our next story is one that I didn't send to Erica. So, Erica, if you're listening right now, here's another one. Our next story is from someone who identifies as a pervert by marriage. He is a techie from India who lives in San Francisco, and he also happens to be the host of the Place where I hold my group rehearsals for the show. It was very surprising for him to go from listening to the stories to suddenly being on my stage. This next story is from Raj.

Raj (26:06)

Dixie, you promise? I hope this gets really gets me late. Okay. All right. It was one in the morning. I was outside a dungeon in Tucker, Georgia, which is a bleak industrial suburb outside Atlanta. It's a place that's all full of warehouses and 18 wheelers. And then suddenly she walks up to me and asks my play partner for the evening. Didn't really work out. Are you interested in playing? For a moment, I was stunned. I looked up and down at her, this vivacious, tall woman with perfect black skin, all tits and ass and curves in the right places. In fact, I just realized she's actually a spitting image of our lovely timekeeper Courtney right there. So for the rest of the show, just. Just imagine Courtney. Okay. All right. So I realized I had to make a decision right then, and this night was going to either go really, really well for me or, you know. So 15 years ago, when I moved to the US from India right after college, being on stage talking about my sex life was not part of the plan. I grew up in Mumbai, which is a teeming city of 20 million people in a culture that never really ever talks about sex, but somehow still manages to produce a fuck ton of babies on top of that. I was a nerd. This meant that when I got here, I had no sexual experience whatsoever. Completely, totally extra virgin. So that gradually and somewhat painfully changed over time. I had sex for the first time at the ripe old age of 26. But sex and dating were always like, you know, kind of like a foreign country and language to me. So I never really got very confident or comfortable in it. So at some point I met, when I was 29, I met the woman who was eventually to become my wife. And it was with a deep sense of relief that A, I would never ever have to date again, and B, this whole sex thing was just taken care of for the rest of my life. As you can tell, that might not have gone according to plan either. So my wife, who goes by Andy, is sitting in the audience. You'll find her wearing an affiliated with a gay shirt. And she's like this impish pixie with short hair, strawberry cheeks, and just a coy smile and really bubbling boobs that just want to come out and grab you. So she, shortly after we got married, started coming out to me first as being queer and then as, you know, being interested in an open relationship. So we were monogamish for a while, living in Atlanta, Georgia for a few years. And then last year she moved to San Francisco for a job and went full on poly. While I was in Atlanta, we were doing long distance for about eight months. So there I was in Atlanta without my wife, just feeling alone and having to listen to things on the phone every week. Like, hey, I went to this play party last night and I made this new fisting buddy and guess what? She has the juiciest pussy ever. So that's what I was having to hear. And I was like, what the fuck is going on there over there? So things came to a head when I visited San Francisco for the first time. Walked into our apartment, into our bedroom, and just ran into ropes tied all over the bed and, you know, floggers. I didn't even know what floggers were then, but you know, a ping pong paddle and all kinds of other stuff that I had no idea what they were. That was my first exposure to bdsm. But at that time, when I picked up the ping pong paddle and my first thought was, why is there only one? And where's the ball? So needless to say, I kind of freaked out. Eventually I got back to Atlanta and calmed down a little bit. So I was like, you Know, if, if I have to stay married and if I have to support my partner in this, I kind of have to figure out what this BDSM thing is and why people would ever even want to do it. So it's, you know, like the nerd I am. I started doing research. I read, like, picked up this book called, picked up this book, like books, you know, like best things ever book called SLM101 by this guy named Jay Wiseman. And then another book called the Ultimate Guide to Kink by Tristan Daoro. And I did my research and realized that if I actually had to figure this out, actually to experience BDSM or kink on my own, which is why a little bit of Google and meetup and other searching later, I ended up finding myself at a BDSM play party at this place called 1763, which is Atlanta's largest dungeon. I walked around most of the play party trying to be very invisible, just staring wide eyed at all this crazy shit that was going on. Like a guy like tying up a naked woman and hanging her from a ceiling and woman putting a guy over a bench and literally whacking his ass. And a naked woman on a bench with fire sticks all over her. This is like crazy stuff. I talked to several people, asked them what they were getting out of it, and got some interesting answers. And around one in the morning I was like, you know, my research is done. I'm going to go home and sleep in my own warm bed. When that lovely woman, I'll call her by first initial, first name, initial K, walked up to me and, or you can call her Courtney if you like. Okay, let's just call her Courtney. When Courtney walks up to me and made me that most enticing offer, I told her, well, she told me she'd been into King for almost a decade. And I told her this was my first time at a BDSM thing ever. She just looked at me kind of up and down and said, you know, you'll just have to do. So we sat down on a couch and she's said, you know, I'm going to like help you through this. We're going to negotiate a scene. So she walked me through negotiating what she called a very basic spanking scene where like, you know, when I indicate to you, you're going to spank me and I'm going to give you some safe words, all of that good stuff. And did that, went to a corner, started making out a bit. This was going well until around 2am when the dungeon monitors came around and said, you know, time to close the dungeon. She looked at me and said, you know, this dungeon actually rents private rooms, so let's get one. All right, this is going to be interesting. So we got the private room. We continued making out. It was going pretty well. Clothes started coming off, and at some point, she kind of flipped over and wiggled her ass and indicated she wanted this spanking to start again. Remember that? This was not something I'd done before, like, spanking, the idea of hitting somebody in any way, like, not quite my thing. So I kind of like gave her tap and asked her what that was like, and she just looked at me in great disdain and said, on a scale of 1 to 10, that was a minus 5. So I was like, oh, okay, all right. I going a little bit harder and harder and harder. And she kept going. Like, she seemed to be liking was interesting. Kept going till my hands just were stinging and burning and they just couldn't do anything else. And then she just went limp and fell in my arms and just stayed there for a bit. And then she looked at me and said, that was lovely. What would you like to do next? I was like, what are my options? She's like, one moment, walks to her purse, pulls out her phone, opens a website called FetLife, pulls up her profile, kind of shoves it in my face and says, here are all the things I'm into. Just pick something you like. So I go through this really intimidating list of the craziest shit that I've never heard of, like Blood Play and Fireplay, and, like. And then I pick a couple of things that I was like, okay, I can handle that. One of them said massage giving, which was like, okay, I like to get receiving massages, so I can hear that. And the second was fingering, receiving. I know how to finger that. You know, that's still within my thing. So she started by giving me an absolutely lovely massage. I was completely relaxed and also turned on. And at some point I was just like, oh, this is amazing. And I grabbed her ass and flipped her onto her back and slid a finger into her pussy. She tasted like water infused with parsley and thyme. So kept going to her finger. Kept. There was another finger that went in and I found her G spot and kept going. She started orgasming and just bucking up and down, so I had to hold her down by her chest with my hand and just kept going. And she kept coming. At some point, it felt like her pussy was going to eat my fingers alive. And then she just went loose and just fell back. And then she looked at me in complete awe and wonder and said three magic words. I lost count. So. So looked at the clock and it was about 6:30 in the morning. We'd been playing for five hours without even knowing it. So it was too late to kind of go back to bed. Decided to get some coffee. This was. This is a godforsaken suburb of Atlanta. There are no hipsters or hipster coffee shops around, so the only option is a Starbucks. So here we are sitting outside a Starbucks on a Sunday morning with all these minivans full of suburban moms driving in, going to church with their kids. And we're sitting outside, me just dressed like a regular guy, drinking my caramel macchiato. And she's sitting there with a completely blissed out expression on her face, wearing her like, Burning man boots and a black lacy skirt and a black leather corset and black cat ears. And you can see all these moms, like, just rushing in to get their coffee and like, running out and taking a pause and looking at us and wondering what she'd been having. So, anyway, I would love to tell you that my story kind of ends here. And I've found, like many people on this stage who've told this kind of stories before. I found my kink, and, you know, my life was never the same again. My sex life has always been perfect after that. However, I've discovered that over time, while I'm pretty okay with engaging in some light kink to make a partner happy, I'm pretty fundamentally vanilla myself. And this has not been for lack of trying. I've been to play parties, Dungeons festivals, and I just keep hoping to discover the thing. And you know, when I will discover the thing, I can go walk proudly into one of Reed Michalko's play parties and in the welcome circle say my wildest today is the thing. And because my thing will be so crazy and so pervy that there'll be like 10 people who just leap up and say, yes, that is my thing too, and I want to do that thing with you. Alas, I haven't found the thing yet. Last year, like many of you, I went to this thing called Burning Man. I did mushrooms at the temple at sunrise. It was a fucking awesome experience. I was hoping to discover, as many people had told me, some deep, dark secret about myself. Instead, what happened was I emerged with a. A feeling of complete calm and euphoria and a sensation that my life was actually pretty fucking solid and I didn't need to actually change anything. So it turns out, it turns out that even my trips are vanilla. Yeah. So I've just decided that I'm going to explore this whole, you know, non monogamy kink, all of this space just at my own pace. And until I find the thing, I'm just going to continue being the best vanilla you can find. Thank you.

Dixie De La Tour (40:18)

Before we get to our final story, I'm going to tell you about our upcoming shows because my month of hiatus is about to be over and September has five shows in five cities and I'd really like to meet you face to face at one of them. As I've told you many times, the podcast is a great thing, but the live show is something completely different. I love our live shows. I love the energy in the room. I love the way that people go home with tons and tons of new friends and you're probably gonna get laid. It happens a lot. Upcoming shows and support September September 7th. The theme is Joyride at the Rebar Seattle and tickets are available on our website bodystorytelling.com on September 13th. The next week will be in San Francisco with the same theme. And if you liked last week's podcast, this one will feature Dawsey Easton for her second time on our stage at the Verdi Club. Get your tickets now. See September 13th. The theme is Joyride, and Dawsey's going to be telling a brand new story. Plus, we have music from Rachel Lark and a lot more. Speaking of Rachel Lark, our East coast tour is going to feature me and Rachel lark traveling to three cities on the East coast to celebrate 10 years of this thing. For about four years now, Rachel Lark has been writing custom songs for me. She is unbelievably talented and you really need to experience her life. On September 26, we will be doing a collaboration show with the Risk podcast. Kevin Allison and Risk have done shows with us in San Francisco a few times, but we've never done it together in Brooklyn. So the theme of the night is scandalous and it will include body storytelling, Risk, Rachel Lark, and we'll even bring our dirty bingo game, Bango so that you can make new friends. Bango gets you laid. So you can get the tickets@risk-show.com or you can get them on the Bawdi storytelling website. On September 28, we will be doing our first ever show in Boston. I've never been to Boston. Tickets are on sale at the Oberon. Oberon is the club where we're going to be doing the show. And Then on September 20th Rachel Lark body Storytelling in Baltimore. We'll be at Ideal Art Space. And I'm so excited about this show. I will be around the Washington, D.C. baltimore area. So if you want to bring me a bowl of soup, you could do that. It's really, really important to me that I get to see your face, that I get to meet you in person. And I'm coming to new cities more and more so that I can meet the people behind the letters that come to me. You ready for that final story that I sent to Erica? She is the host of a podcast, the Kiss Me Quick Erotic Podcast. And I introduced that one to Erica. She'll be listening to your podcast too, Rose. But we've become friends. She started telling me that she was listening to my podcast, she was giving me tips about it, and we've become friends. She lives a few hours away. And I finally convinced her that she should get on stage and tell a personal story, which was terrifying to her. And if you know me, terrifying is my favorite flavor. And I convinced her this is her first time telling her own story on stage. Our next storyteller is Rose Caraway.

Delenium (44:01)

You okay? Yes. You do it. You can do it. Remember to stay close to the mic.

Rose Caraway (44:12)

Should I take my heels off in case I do pass out? I won't fall as far. I've never told a true story like this before, ever. I'm used to my recording booth that has no audience. It's always silent feedback. So I'm excited. I'm totally thrilled. Okay. I'm from Sacramento and that's where I'm going to take you right now. My story starts in Sacramento in the summer. It's been, you know, like record high. 110 degrees, 103 degrees. It's 10 o' clock at night. My three kids are asleep. All the fans are going. My husband and I are in the garage, closed up in our green Toyota Sienna. He's in the passenger seat. I'm in the very back row. The van is sealed up, all the windows are up, doors are closed, and there are sleeping bags held up by bungee cords. All around were soundproofing the van. This is our recording studio back in 2011. And it's so hot in there that I am sweating. It's dripping off of me. And I'm reading erotica. So not only am I hot from the summer, but I'm reading a story that has never turned me on. I've never been turned on like this before. I'm laughing and trying not to laugh as I Record. My husband is in the passenger seat, as I said, and he's got his gigantic outdated mixer sitting over here. And on his lap is the giant outdated laptop. And he's doing all the production. He's making sure recording is going well. The story that I'm recording is about a woman who lives in Japan, and she's in her condo and her boyfriend is Godzilla. And he's coming over for a booty call. And like, how do you tell. How do you narrate that story? You just do. So I come in at this story. The chick is putting on her goggles and she's giving a body job. What do you. Ooh, body. What do you call that? You can't do a hand job on Godzilla. He's enormous. So her entire body is jacking him off. And when he comes, it floods her condo and she has to swim to her bed to lie down so that now Godzilla can offer her something. And that is his finely tuned breath ray on her clit as one of his claws goes up her pussy and he makes her come. He's a very generous monster. And my husband, the whole time, I can hear him as I'm trying to be sexy, as, you know, the chick getting finger claw banged by Godzilla, trying to make it all erotic and hot. And I hear my husband, he's like, oh, that sounds good. That sounds good. I like that sound. It really does sound good. Holy shit. Like, my pussy's all sweaty. Let's do. So he turns with. The story is done, and we, like, look at each other, and we're like, oh, my God, we need to fuck to this monster story. It's like, powerful. And so he moves the mixer and carries the laptop with him and climbs over. My husband is a big guy. He's like 200 pounds. And a guy climbing that size over the passenger seat is like, you're like, come here, big daddy. So we're both sweaty and we're peeling off our clothes, and then we fuck. I think I got the fucking in before four minutes. So we're good, right? So we fuck. We fuck in the back of my green Toyota Sienna in the middle of the summer, recording erotica. It's monster erotica, and it's awesome. And the next morning, as I'm taking my kids to school in the van, in the minivan, my kids, they find my panties on the floor. And I'm like, oh, okay. Well, they must have fallen out of my gym bag. Sorry, guys. And then I turned the radio up, like, let's get to school now. So I am this mom of three amazing kids. I've been married to my husband for 20 years. We are monogamous. I have only had sex with him before. And we. I know what. But we are totally connecting through this podcast that we're doing, all of this erotica that we're reading and offering to the world. We've never connected like this before, and it's awesome. It's hot. And we get to fuck like crazy in the back of a minivan, which is hilarious, but the kids are finding my panties, so we got to change. We got to up our game. So I get back from dropping the kids off, and I'm like, okay, we gotta do. We gotta do something. And he's like, let's build a recording booth in the house. And so I'm like, all right. So when I get back home from bringing the kids back from school, my husband says, come here. There's a hole cut out of my living room the size of a door. And he says, this is going to be your recording studio.

Delenium (49:36)

Wow.

Rose Caraway (49:36)

Okay, that's cool. And then he starts lugging in the Sheetrock and the two by fours, and he's, like, earning major man points, you guys, because I get turned on by dudes that can do. My husband totally can do. He built me recording booth, and it's fantastic. And the podcast starts. It's amazing. All these people are subscribing, and everybody's loving what we're doing. And this is, you know, this is our new version of exhibitionism, and it's fantastic. Well, a book deal comes in, and so now there's a new pressure that's on. I'm putting together an anthology, and I've got all these amazing authors that are sending me their stories. But now I get to write my biggest fantasy. I gotta bring it. And I'm a little. It's kind of embarrassing, but I'm gonna go ahead and let you guys know. Sweating like a whore up here, Dixie.

Delenium (50:42)

So.

Rose Caraway (50:44)

My mind is a whore. I can't help it. Okay, so I have always wanted to be. I've got goosebumps right now. Oh, my God. I have always wanted to be Grace Jones. Do you? She is a beautiful Jamaican woman who's absolutely gorgeous, athletic, tough as shit, and I love badass women. And I wanted to be her since I was, like, 12 years old. But not only did I want to be Grace Jones, there was a very specific thing that I needed to have happen, and that was I needed to be Grace Jones and get fucked by Conan the Barbarian.

Delenium (51:37)

Like, muscles.

Rose Caraway (51:40)

So I had to write that story. I had to put Grace Jones and Conan the Barbarian in his story. But I also had to appeal to, you know, the intellectual people who like to read erotica. So I thought, all right, I like the classics, and I want to go dark because I like to go dark. So interpret that as you will. Who better to base a story on than Shirley Jackson's the Lottery? I don't know if you can figure it out. I didn't want, you know, this lottery where a lucky winner would get stoned to death by, you know, the townspeople. That would suck. I wanted it to be a bunch of barbarians gathered together, and one lucky Grace Jones would win the lottery, and she would get to pick her barbarian sex slave.

Dixie De La Tour (52:39)

Dude.

Delenium (52:41)

I'm like.

Rose Caraway (52:44)

If you read erotica, pussies do quiver. I'm just letting you know now and just talking about that. That's my thing. So this story is written in three days. I got Conan as a sex slave, and Grace Jones is winning the lottery. So I'm ready to record. I take the kids to school. I come back, get the computer situated, I get in my recording booth, I sit in my chair, and I look at my script, and I just start recording the best, sexiest story I've ever written, I've ever read. And I'm totally in the sweaty, wet pussy zone. And I've just got Grace Jones unlocking Conan's shackles, when from my recording booth window, my husband walks in. He's naked. We both sleep naked. He's naked. He's a little disheveled from sleeping, and he's got a cup of coffee, but I look down, and he's got a hard on. It's not this hard on. It's this hard on. And I, like, I can't record anymore. My brain totally goes primal, and I'm like, you Conan me, Grace Jones. And he puts his coffee cup down, and he opens my recording studio door, and he takes off my headphones and he spins me around in my bar stool, and he picks up me up and he shoves me against the wall, and he kicks my thighs apart, and he shoves my skirt up. I don't wear panties, by the way. And as my legs are kicked, the microphone goes. And so I go. And I save it because it's so expensive. I had to save my allowance for so long to buy that fucker. So I save it, and I'm against the soundproofed wall that's that egg crates, that foams crate stuff. And it's like falling because it's only hung on by these nails. Now, in my fantasy, Conan, as I'm Grace Jones, always picks me up and throws me over his shoulder and slams me down on his feasting table. And he rips the apple out of the roast pig and he shoves it up my pussy, and he goes down on me and eats it until he gets all the apple out. My kneecaps are shaking. Where was I? So I'm against the soundproofing. Oh, my God. I'm totally high on my own supply right now. And my husband, my own Conan, gets down on his knees, still sleep, disheveled and everything. And he takes the biggest sniff of my pussy. And that's it. That's it. The synapses, everything. Nothing has fired cleaner than this. And I'm like, oh, my God, Conan, eat my apple. And he totally did. I came all over his face like Conan just went down on a fucking chicken leg. I mean, his face was all wet and stuff. Oh, my God.

Delenium (56:16)

So.

Rose Caraway (56:21)

Some like it rough, some like it greasy.

Delenium (56:24)

So.

Rose Caraway (56:35)

I know I do. And so we basically christen my sexy recording studio.

Dixie De La Tour (56:42)

And.

Rose Caraway (56:45)

You know, I'm a monogamous wife of 20 years. I've got three kids, and I have never felt better in my life. This man, this only dude I've ever felt, I get to read erotic stories in fucking any way I read in a book, and it's fantastic. So as we're, you know, oxygen deprived and recovering on the floor of the recording studio, my husband gets up and hits play on that recorder because it's been going this whole time. So not only do I get to hear, you know, the click of Grace Jones releasing Conan Shackles, I get to hear us fucking in my recording studio. It's amazing. So you, too, can get turned on by anything if you just turn your mind on, get your brain turned on. And, you know, if anybody out there thinks that monogamy is boring, you can just go ahead and eat my apple. Because it ain't, I'm telling you. And because monogamy rocks. Big daddy, I don't know where you at, but I got my panties here in a bag. It's got an apple on it, matches my apple. And I sweated in these special for you. So this bag's for you, Betty. Thank you.

Dixie De La Tour (59:00)

So if you're wondering about the end of that story, I like to create games for body storytelling. I'm making a new one right now. Gonna be great. And the night of that show, there was a game at the show called Sniff Test. Sniff Test is A game where you get your scent on an item of clothing. And since it's body, often we get jockstraps, we get thongs, we get bras, we get unmentionables, except I like to mention them. And we invite you to put them in a ziploc bag, put some sort of identifier on it. We have a system. And put them on a table. And at the break, people walk up, they take a big sniff of your unmentionables, and maybe they look at the identifier and they seek you out to tell you that your smell's got it going on for them. I call it pheromone dating. It's really fun. It's a whole new way to decide whether you're attracted to somebody or not. And so in addition to making Rose feel really out of her element by telling her personal story in front of hundreds and hundreds of people on stage, I asked her to bring some. Some stanky panties, and she did it because I think she's a little submissive. What do you think? All right. I like to say thank you. So here's my thank yous. Thank you to podcast producer Matthew Marder. He's making this happen, y'.

Delenium (60:21)

All.

Dixie De La Tour (60:21)

To sound producer David Grossoff. To on demand and livestream producer Ruben Tan. You can find our livestream@bodistreaming.com to Jo Moore, who's our archivist and our videographer, and to the entire AV team and the team of volunteers that makes the live show run like a top. We're going to be in your city soon. You really want to experience this show live. Thank you so much for listening to our podcast. I'm sexual folklorist Dixie de La Tour, and I'll be back really, really soon with the next episode of the Bodi storytelling podcast. Till we're back. Review us on itunes. Tell your friends, help us grow this thing. Thanks so much. We'll see you soon.

Monogamish Song Performer (61:09)

We are monogamish. Oh, I love you. You feel the shame for me. There's why we can bend the rules of monogamy. It might not be for everyone. Yeah, I would agree. But who the fuck am I to Shay she? Beneath the surface of our clothes and our cosmetic smiles, we are all prehistoric mammals and primal reptiles who crave the taste of strange everywhere once in a while but always come back home. Our future is only you and I. But occasionally it's not just you and me. Another woman and another guy. You're so ggg. You're granting a every wish. I'm glad you agree baby give me a kiss it's just you and me sometimes Another he and she we are monogamish yeah we are monogamish for the shake of all involved don't lie, ask a few please just be safe don't bring home many dishes It's a punchy Family and friends don't need to know about any of this Cuz at the end of the day it doesn't matter anyway the tender layer business so cleaned up the evidence don't want to see or smell that's why I don't ask that's why you don't tell if anyone objects, well, they can all go to hell. See but I think God is polyamorous. I don't know, maybe. You're so GG you're granting every wish I'm glad you agree baby give me a kiss it's just you and me sometimes Another he and she we are monogamish yeah we are monogamish yeah Might not be your flavor it might not be your dish Our love will not waver if no one gets jealous it's just you and me sometimes Another he and she and we're like oh my.

Delenium (64:16)

God, did she lose her watch in there?