← Bawdy Storytelling
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- [00:00]
Dixie De La Tour
Are you excited about this show? I want to believe that you're excited about this show.
- [00:11]
Body Storytelling Chorus
Yeah. What you doing later tonight? Got a cool idea that you should try. Get your ass up in front of a crowd and scream your secrets loud and proud. Ain't no shit. Too weird, too lame, too hot, too cold, Too gay, too straight, Too cute, too bold, Too tender. Too cold. Don't sell it, just tell it and they'll eat you whole. You'll be singing. Body got me laid. Body got me laid. Body got me laid. Body got me laid. Body got me laid. Body got me laid. Body got me laid. Body got me laid. Well, you're nervous. Don't fret a bit. Just stare right at Dixie's tits.
- [01:19]
Dixie De La Tour
Oh, no, Dixie.
- [01:20]
Body Storytelling Chorus
Are your tits gonna be on stage.
- [01:22]
Corinne Fisher
Tonight or.
- [01:26]
Dixie De La Tour
Just imagine them? You ain't gotta imagine, Em. My tits are right here. I am sexual folklorist Dixie Delatour, and you're listening to the bawdy storytelling podcast, y'.
- [01:41]
Kevin Allison
All.
- [01:41]
Dixie De La Tour
We have an astounding episode for you this time. Let me tell you how it happened. So, I'm a big John Waters fan, and recently they announced the very first Camp John Waters in Kent, Connecticut. So I made immediately bought tickets. It sold out in, like, 12 hours. I was talking to my friend Risk podcast producer JC Cassis, and told her I'd be flying into New York for that, and she immediately said, hey, let's do another collaboration show. Risk and Body Storytelling had been doing collaboration shows in San Francisco for a few years, but we'd never done it in Brooklyn. So we planned that just as soon as I got back from Camp John Waters, which, by the way, I. I won the Camp Spirit Award at the inaugural Camp John Waters. I was so proud. I got back from camp and got on stage with Kevin Allison of the Risk podcast, which, if you don't know it, listen to it. It's incredible. I listen to it constantly. So I get back from Camp John Waters, I've got my award in hand, and it is time to share the stage in Brooklyn with Kevin Allison and Risk. Let me give you a heads up on one thing. This evening of stories has been divided into two parts. You'll get to hear part one this week, part two next week here with my thoughts and how the adventure began. But if you go over to the Risk podcast, you can hear Kevin Allison's take on the evening as well. So be sure to listen to both podcasts, and these stories are phenomenal. You're gonna want to hear them. So here we go. This is part One of the Risk Body storytelling collaboration show recorded live in Brooklyn.
- [03:47]
Kevin Allison
Oh, my God. Welcome, welcome, welcome, Brooklyn. How's everyone feeling? Oh, my God. I have been so excited for this night, especially because I get to co host it with San Francisco's own Dixie Delitor.
- [04:07]
Dixie De La Tour
I have not been to Brooklyn in five years.
- [04:11]
Kevin Allison
Oh, my God.
- [04:13]
Dixie De La Tour
I know.
- [04:14]
Kevin Allison
You gotta show her a thing or two. Brooklyn.
- [04:17]
Dixie De La Tour
I hear y' all are perverts. Is that true?
- [04:23]
Kevin Allison
We have a very perverted evening of stories for you tonight, my friends. Oh, my goodness. My goodness gracious, yes. How many people here have heard the Body storytelling podcast before or ever been to a body show?
- [04:39]
Dixie De La Tour
Good for you.
- [04:40]
Kevin Allison
We've done Body and Risk shows in San Francisco before, but never here in New York. So it's very exciting. Yeah.
- [04:49]
Dixie De La Tour
And the reason that I have have a podcast is cause Kevin Allison inspired me. I've been doing shows for almost 11 years, live shows, and he's shown me that talking to people through podcasts means that we go so much further and meet so many new people and get so many new stories.
- [05:07]
Kevin Allison
So many weirder people. Yes, indeed. We wouldn't have had all the cannibals and murderers if they were all just right here in town. Those people spread themselves out. So listen, if you're brand new, if you don't know what Risk is, I'll introduce Risk and you introduce Body. It's two shows in one. Tonight, Risk is a show where people tell true stories they never thought they'd dare to share in public. So it's the kind of stories you will not hear on npr. Now, Risk is not just sex stories. Like I was saying before, there might be someone who's attempted to kill their mother or someone who overdosed on LSD and ate their own fe. But there's also often. There's also often very sexy stories. And we were inspired to include so many sexy stories when we first saw a body storytelling show all those years ago. Before there was a Risk, there was a body.
- [06:12]
Dixie De La Tour
Yep. Yep. And I've been doing live storytelling shows in San Francisco for almost 11 years. I was a sex party producer, and I was invited to a storytelling event for Burning Man. And I went, oh, perverts could kick this shit up and down the street. And what originally started as a coffee klotch, where I said, we're going to get together, we're going to tell each other stories about our sex lives. And everybody went, that's great. Where do we fuck? And I went, we ain't going to fuck. And they're like, that's the stupidest thing I ever heard in my life. And I convinced them, let's just. Just tried it. At the end of the night, they went, this is fucking awesome. And I'm like, right, so what started as just this tiny little thing in the pervert community, eventually people wanted to come hear the stories and were afraid that they were going to have to tell their own story. So I had to start curating that shit. And I just love listening to people's stories. That's why you guys have these games, so you can talk to each other and tell your own stories.
- [07:18]
Kevin Allison
That's right. We're going to have an intermission tonight. We have a ton of prizes, prizes to give away as well. So, yeah, it's gonna be ridiculous. And of course, after every rich show, you can hang out with us in the bar afterward and then get it really squared away who you're gonna go home and fuck. Listen, I wanted to share something with everyone at the top a little while several months ago, when everyone was feeling especially frustrated with the way of the world, I let everyone do a primal scream. But I have another idea for something. Try at the top of the show tonight. How many people here have heard the stamps.com song that I recorded for last? All right. The most commonly asked question about that song, because there's a lot of ridiculous sound effects in that song. But people are always asking, what's with that one section where it sounds like someone is kind of being resurrected from the dead or something like that? What the fuck is that sound? I'm gonna play you a clip now from the song to point out what I'm talking about. Let's hear a little bit of that stamps.com song right now. Get this special offer. When you use my promo code Ranso, it's a no risk trial. And we know that's just confus. People are like, what the fuck is that? Well, you might have heard the episode of Rizz called Kevin Goes to Kink Camp. When I went to kink camp. Cause I. For years and years and years, I was used to going to gay male orgies. And the thing about gay male orgies is no one says jack shit to each other. You never learn anything about anyone, right? But when I went to King Camp for the first time, it was lesbians and bi and trans. Everyone was there. And whenever you're at a place where lesbians are involved, there's gonna be a lot of chatting about things. So that weekend was the first time I attended an orgy where people were coming up to me afterwards saying, you are really loud when you have sex. You're an audiophile, right? You should record yourself. I was like, holy shit. Maybe I should. So for the next, like, three months or so, I recorded every orgasm I.
- [09:54]
Dixie De La Tour
Had.
- [09:56]
Kevin Allison
Whether I was with someone or alone. I set that recorder up, and I was like, wow, I do make a lot of weird noise. So just for fun, as a little Easter egg that no one would ever really know about, I put five Kevin Allison orgasms right in the middle of the Stamp Set.com song. And you know what's funny? You know what's funny? I. It's. I don't like it. I think I. I. You know what I think it sounds like? Have you ever seen the movie 7? With. It's like, Kevin Spacey is killing all these people who are akin to the seven deadly sins. Well, one of the people is sloth, right? And it's a guy who's been, like, in an apartment tied to a bed for two years and starved. And then when Brad Pitt walks in, the guy wakes up and goes. It's like, oh, my God. I'm like, sloth resurrected. Let's hear it. Let's hear it. With just no music. Just the orgasms. You see, there's five of them. It's five of them. That's a lot, because you can usually only get, like, one out of me on a given day. Let's hear them a few times. So now you know what it sounds like to be with me. But tonight, I thought it would be fun to start the show instead of a primal scream. If we all, on the count of three, give our very own orgasm sounds, let's just get this shit started with a big old O. All right, here we go. One, two, three. All right, we are off to a good start. Now, Dixie, you want to bring up our first.
- [12:24]
Dixie De La Tour
Absolutely. Y' all make some noise for Kevin Allison. Somebody in the audience here. Kevin Allison is a genius.
- [12:32]
Body Storytelling Chorus
Genius.
- [12:35]
Kevin Allison
She is the best host. Oh, my gosh. Before we bring up our first storyteller, I wanted to tell just a tiny little story of my own, you know? Our theme tonight is scandalous. Dixie's, like, don't forget to tell people the theme, because I always do. I never remember what the theme once the show is going. I'm just like, we're telling stories. So, yes, that is the theme. Yeah. When I was about 20 years old, I lived on Gay street in the West Village. My mother said, oh, God, now it's in your address, too. And there was nothing I loved more I did it on an almost daily basis than to get up when the sun was shining and go out careening and carousing down Christop street to visit all the adult bookstores. There were so many more of them then around about 1990, right? But the thing of it was, all us guys that were there, we were not interested in the books. We were there for the buddy booths, right? The little buddy booths where you go in a little booth, you throw some coins in a slot and then a porn video pops up in front of you.
- [14:06]
Dixie De La Tour
Or.
- [14:07]
Kevin Allison
But the best part is if you put some more coins in and you press another button, a curtain rises so you can see the guy jerking off in the booth right next to you. Now, of course, there were laws about how, you know, you weren't really supposed to be having sex with other people in a commercial establishment. But all us guys who went to the buddy booths were there to break those rules, right? We all figured out that if we just cruised around and through the hallway where all the little booths were, we could nod at each other and duck into a booth two or three at a time and have very, very cramped, crowded sex in a tiny, tiny room. But the employers, the people who ran these buddy booth places, they did not like it. It was illegal. They were usually Persian or Arab guys who, like, didn't really relate to anything that was really going on there. All they knew was that they had to regularly run downstairs and with a tiny little miniature baseball bat, bang on the doors and say, it's one at a time in the booths. Sometimes they would even take a crowbar and pry the door open and like two or three guys would come falling out, like clothes out of a stuffed closet, right? And they'd have their pants around their ankles and be spilling poppers and they'd be yelling back at them. They'd be like, we were just about to finish cheese. Well, one day it's a bright sunshiny afternoon and I go to my very favorite place. It was right down by the water at the end of Christopher Street. So it was especially skeezy. But this particular day, there was a fire. There was a full blown building fire happening across the street. So I walked in and I noticed that everyone employed there was very distracted. They were talking to the firemen and the. They were really worried about whether it might spread or something like that. And I thought, oh, my gosh, if I go downstairs now, I hope there's a lot of guys, because the mice will play while the cat's away. So I'm Walking down the stairs into the buddy booths area and I can see that holy shit, there's about 10 guys there and ain't nobody in the booths. The booth doors are wide open and everyone is just in a naked pile on the floor of this hallway. Like, clearly that fire had been going on for a while because it started off as, oh, well, maybe we don't have to crowd into those booths. And then it finally just became, hey, right on the linoleum, motherfuckers. Let's become a 10 headed bare ass fuck beast. Hit the floor. So I'm looking at this writhing pile and I think to myself, well, obviously I'm gonna get in on that. So I've got my pants down and I'm laying down and I've just got this lovely Latino guy's cock in my mouth. When all of a sudden the employers come down like, what the fuck is going on here? They're waving their bats. They're waving their bats at all of us. Everyone's like popper spilling. It's just a disaster. Everyone's like, oh, my God. And this old man next to me says, well, that was fun while it lasted. And I said, yeah, kind of makes me want to learn how to start a fire. All righty, guys. I am so thrilled to bring up our first storyteller tonight because she has been such an inspiration to us. So many people who love Risk came to our podcast because of a much more famous podcast. Guys We Fucked. Yes. If you have never heard Guys, We Fucked, it is so much fucking fun. It is awesome. Corinne Fisher is a stand up comedian in her own right. She's done solo shows around town. She's been on, oh, gosh, everything she's been on. She's worked with Rachel Drad. She's done the Boston Comedy Festival, the Women in Comedy Festival, the She Devil festival. She's on YouTube with her own series, Mystery Squad Girls. So please welcome the stage. It's so exciting to finally have her on the show. We've wanted her on for the longest time. Corrine Fisher.
- [19:57]
Corinne Fisher
Guys, I'm on YouTube. Isn't that cool? Oh, man, it's so funny. Cause, like, I'm, you know, known around these parts for being a whore and. But then I hear Kevin Allison tell a story and I'm like, you're pathetic. Like, you. What have you even done? You don't deserve this.
- [20:20]
Dixie De La Tour
Mmm.
- [20:22]
Corinne Fisher
Okay. I'm in a weird mood. Someone cat called my enamel earlier today, which was weird. I was like, well, I did get white in. Okay. Anyway, so I'm gonna tell you guys a story today about how my vagina lost its innocence. Okay? And I know you're like, well, isn't that everything you do every week? No, there's one specific story. So I moved to New York City in 2003. That's why I seem a little bit tired. And oh, God help me. And I moved to New York and I always had known I was going to move to New York. I'm from a small suburban town in New Jersey and I just never fit in. I was never interested in scrunching my hair or going tanning. Like, the highlight of my week was when I would wear these 5 inch platform boots that I got with my mother at the Canal Street Jean Company through the halls of my high school. Right. May it rest in peace. And I would walk around and everyone would just look at me like I had jumped off the screen from the craft. That's what I spent my summers directing movies in my backyard. The most famous one of course, being the Blair fuckin Witch Project, which was a spoof on the original, but just with more fucks in it. I didn't fit in. I couldn't wait to move to New York City. Everyone in Union couldn't wait till I moved to New York City. They were just like, get the fuck out. So I had basically given a promise ring to New York City from myself because some women feel tarnished if they have sex with too many men. I would have just felt tarnished if I had sex with someone from Union High School. Sorry, that was, you know, me. So up until the point when I moved to New York City, the farthest I had gotten was letting this guy that I met on the set of Dawson's Creek when I was an extra finger me in his New York City apartment. That's the furthest I had gotten. And I didn't know. I really didn't know. I was very, very innocent. I didn't know anything about sex. I didn't know how it was going to be. I just knew that it was going to be like super scandalous. Like that scene in Cruel Intentions where Sarah Michelle Geller backwards dry humps Ryan Phillippe. Yes. And I was like, that's what it's going to be like. And so I moved to New York City with two goals. The first goal was to become a successful filmmaker and the second goal was to fuck. So, yeah, thank you. I did it.
- [23:14]
Body Storytelling Chorus
Yay.
- [23:17]
Corinne Fisher
I did it a few times. And so obviously I had to get everything in order and prepare for the filmmaking. But Also, mostly the fucking. And so the one thing I decided I needed to do to fuck was to shave my pussy bare. Okay. I don't know where I got. I think it was just me acting against my mother. Because my mother would always walk around angrily anytime she saw, like, a picture on the Internet or a movie, and she would be like, bald vaginas are for children. Whoa. Okay, mom, thank you. And I get it. Like, she was a woman of the 70s. I was a young woman of the 2000s, and it was beyond her control. My pussy was gonna go, Britney, bitch. I had to do it. I was a woman. It was my decision to do with the hair on my vagina what I wanted to do. So I stole My mom's $2 Gillette razor. Like, not even. Not even a new one. There was a whole package. I took the one out of the Caddy that she was using, and I lathered my vagina up with a Dove bar of soap.
- [24:29]
Dixie De La Tour
Nice.
- [24:32]
Corinne Fisher
We were from a simple household, and I shaved that pussy bear. That's actually still how I shave my vagina to this day. How? You know? And it's better than waxing. Waxing makes me cry like a little berry baby. And so I did that. And then I rinsed the hair out and I put it back. And my mom. My mom totally found out. She literally left me a note on my staircase in the same house where we lived together, being like, did you use my razor? That's why I have communication problems. And so I packed my stuff up and away to New York City I went, and I was very excited. And I hadn't been in New York City to go to film school more than a month when I met the man who would become the first great love of my life. Okay. His name was Jim. He looked like a tall Bon Jovi. His family's net worth was $6 billion. And this was the most exciting part to me. He told me, I know Ashton Kutcher because I'm his stand in.
- [25:41]
Kevin Allison
Whoa.
- [25:44]
Corinne Fisher
$6 billion. Who cares? Let's meet Ashton Kutcher. I was very excited about that. And so my best friend Tommy was auditioning Jim to be the lead opposite me in this student film we were making Silent on a Bolex. It was beautiful. And Tommy goes, well, you'll be working with Corinne. And pointed to me. And he looks over in my direction, he goes, I'm off the project. But he was joking. He really just wanted to have, like, copious amounts of sex with me. And I thought it was the most charming thing that I had ever heard in my entire life. Like, snarky joke. Come on. I was like, minutes past 18 years old. I was very amped to have sex with this Bon Jovi, $6 billion net worth Ashton Kutcher stand in model. We started dating, and I very quickly realized that Jim was a pervert. Like, I had hit the jackpot. I was so excited because secretly, yeah, I had wanted to date a pervert for so long. I was attracted to the villains who tied the girls to train tracks in silent films as they curled their mustaches. That is exactly what I wanted to do. And up until that point, I had never had an orgasm in my entire life. Yeah, I knew, like, masturbating was a thing, but I just never. I was busy. I don't know, I just never tried it. I wasn't scared. I was just busy. And so I remember laying down in the top bunk of my dorm room on the Little mermaid sheets I had ripped off my childhood bed As I kind of gave myself over to science and let Jim, eight years older, teach me about my own body. And he was wonderful. I really couldn't ask for anyone who was more kind or respectful or knowledgeable about the female body, considering he was a man and we did all kinds of things together. I dressed up as sexy Christmas elf for him. I learned that when you give someone a hand job, the penis, like, kind of helps out. Like, it moves. I didn't know that until then. And so that was fun. I got very into porn. Jim's best friend owned a porn DVD store in upstate New York. And he would send us boxes of vivid DVDs, which became my favorite porn production company. And except for this one title that I was very partial to called Wet Cotton Panties. They're on about 14 now, so check it out if you're interested. I think it's a very good title. And I let them rub ice on my nipples, and I let them pull anal beads out of my butt, which, if you haven't tried it, feels like the cleanest poop you've ever taken. It's like all the satisfaction of a poop, none of the cleanup. I love it. It's like, ah. And one night before a trip to Las Vegas, I even let him convince me that I could pee on him sexually, right? And I have to say, sexually. Cause I did. I had a terrible bedwetting problem as a child. So technically, I've also peed on my brother, but it was much different. And Jim led me into the stall shower of my Murray Hill starter Apartment. And I pulled down my cotton panties. They weren't wet yet. And I just, like, kind of peed over his hands. And I was just kind of proud of myself for feeling comfortable enough to urinate on somebody else without them being disgusted. Without me being disgusted. I felt like those people that I had seen in those HBO Real Sex docu episodes that I used to sneak down into the living room while my parents were sleeping to watch. And it wasn't erotic. And I learned I probably wasn't as weird as I hoped that I would be, But I felt comfortable. And I felt a deep bond with Jim based on that. The one thing that Jim always wanted me to do that I always felt oddly uncomfortable about was take nude photos. I don't know. It was before iPhones. It would be like an actual point and click. But I still had, like, very big dreams, you know, like, what if I was going to be Miss America? What if I was going to become the first woman president? You just can't have things floating around like that. Like, that could have been my Janet Jackson super bowl nip slip if it ever surfaced. So I kept it inside, and I kept putting it off and putting it off. And then finally one day, after we had been dating a little bit longer, I felt comfortable enough to do this photo shoot with him. And I said, let's do it. And I took off my clothes, and I felt. I mean, I felt good. I looked good. Hadn't been eating as much Taco Bell as I do now. And I just began to kind of, like, do poses like Tyra Banks had taught me on America's night. Just like teacup arms all the way. Because, you know, who cares if you're naked as long as your arm doesn't look fat, right? Teacupping it all along. I felt cool. I felt cool.
- [31:12]
Dixie De La Tour
I.
- [31:13]
Corinne Fisher
For the first time, at five foot three, I felt like a model, and I felt comfortable. And Jim was really cool. He had, like, an avant garde sense of art, and so he didn't take pictures of my whole body. He would go, like, piece by piece, anatomically, like, right boob, left boob, vagina, half your. And I. And I. I thought that was great. So if you put it together, it's like a weird nude ransom Picasso picture. And it ended. And I felt comfortable, and I felt in charge of my own body for the first time, really ever, sexually. And weeks pass, and Jim was always kind of bored because he had so much money. So he used to do promotional modeling, and this particular week, he had a gig for Best Buys Geek Squad. And all he had to do this is promotional modeling, remember? Not modeling. And all you had to do was sit in this giant see through square case in the middle of Union Square park and pretend to type on a computer. That was the whole gig. Because, like, I don't know what the promotional strategy here was. Like, we would just walk by the park and be like, that guy's hot. That guy has a computer from Best Buy. Maybe if I get a computer from Best Buy, I will also be hot. I'm not sure what the logic was, but he did that. It was totally fine. And my 22nd birthday came. And 22nd birthdays, or any birthday for that matter, with a billionaire, were always fantastic. He would always walk in with a huge satchel over his shoulder, like he was a weird Hot Topic Santa. And he would pour out the bag and be like, hello Kitty T shirt for you. And another hello Kitty T shirt for you. I own every hello Kitty T shirt that Hot Topic ever printed, and I will never give them away. One of my most prized possessions. But this particular birthday, Jim looked a little bit more sheepish. He was quiet. He didn't have any packages in his hand. All he held was a yellow post it note that he pushed across the table to me in silence. And I looked down at it, and it said, the FBI wants to talk to you about your vagina. I said, come again? What? I don't know if you've ever heard that sentence. Probably never. Hopefully never. And he looked up at me and there was a number written down. It said, wendy Lieberman. And then a number. And he was. And I said, can you explain this to me? He was like, corinne, I am. I'm so sorry. A couple weeks ago, when I was doing that Best Buy Geek Squad promotional modeling gig, I made a stupid lapse in judgment. And I pulled up your pictures on the computer, and I looked at them, and I guess I forgot to log out. Yeah, I was still so confused because, like, yeah, that wasn't the best move, but I don't think the FBI needs to get involved with your stupidity. Right? And he went on and he said, I know this sounds crazy. Yeah. But one of the other people who was on this promotional modeling gig with me was arrested recently for possession of child pornography and pedophilia. And so every computer that he's worked on in the past six months has been confident, confiscated. And on this particular computer, they found photos of your right boob, your left boob, and your vagina because they had been posted on Craigslist. By, I guess, that guy. And so I was feeling a lot of feelings. I was scared. I was scared because up until that point, the only involvement I had had with the law was when I was sitting in the park with my friend from college selling T shirts that said Mary Kate Olson took my spot at nyu, and I got them confiscated by the park police because I didn't have a vendor's permit. Okay, so that was me. That was my criminal record up until that point. I was feeling confused that men could be so stupid. And then I was feeling flattered that at 22, my vagina didn't look a day over 17. I had to come to terms with the fact that I needed to call the FBI and claim my own vagina. So I went to bed and I woke up very early the next morning. It was like Christmas morning, but only I was a terrified Jew. And I was trying to figure out how this sexual awakening had kind of turned into this nightmare for me because other people weren't responsible with their sexuality. But I took a few deep breaths and I sat down on the cold linoleum tiles of my dorm room floor, which previously had been so much fun and carefree and photos. And the phone rang. And it rang, and all of a sudden I heard that really cool old sound that you don't get to hear anymore when the tape picks up on the voicemail and you're like, yes, I don't have to talk to anybody. And so I said, hi, my name is Corinne Fisher. My boyfriend is Jim. You spoke to him. Just wanted to let you know that the photos in question are in fact of my vagina. I'm 22, I consented to them, and if you need else, please just give me a call back. And I clicked off on my hot pink T mobile phone that was scratched up from other times. I was pissed at Jim and had thrown it on the sidewalks of New York. And I wasn't mad this time. I was okay because I had a new relationship with my vagina. I had a new ownership over it. And, you know, maybe I didn't get a fancy box for my birthday that year when I with ribbons and wrapping paper, but I had my own box. And it was a very youthful looking one at that. Thank you so much, guys. Keep it going for your lovely host.
- [38:13]
Dixie De La Tour
Give it up again for Corinne Fisher. So Kevin and Allison and I have this relationship where we introduce each other to new perverts all the time. And I recently got an email from him saying, I got a New York pervert. You need to Meet you like kink, don't y'? All? I don't believe. Did you. Do you like kink? You better convince me you like kink.
- [38:47]
Kevin Allison
Come on.
- [38:53]
Dixie De La Tour
So our next storyteller is a kink activist, a speaker, and he is the co host of a kinky podcast that y' all need to know about. This is his first time doing this for us, so you know how I feel about it. You better make a fuck ton of noise. Please welcome to the stage, Dick Wound.
- [39:27]
Dick Wound
Hello. That's another story. Batman is running down an alleyway. He's in hot pursuit of Catwoman and he stops at a point in the alley. It's almost as if there's an invisible X painted on the ground that signifies the worst possible spot to stop. It's definitely a trap. And he stops right there. He looks around and all of a sudden Catwoman springs down and hits him and knocks him to the ground. He tries to get up and he kind of gets to his knees and she's standing over him and she has a cat shaped golden gun pointed at his head. And she says, the sonic waves in this gun can cut through your brain like a hot knife through butter. Beg. Beg for your mortal life. I'm 13 years old. I'm watching the 1960s Batman show. I'm on the edge of my bed. I got one hand on a remote control. I'm rewinding this scene over and over and over again. The other hand is on my dick and I'm just rewinding it over and over and over again. And eventually I pause it. It's framed just so that Julie Newmar is in the frame and she's pointing the gun and it's almost like she's pointing it over his shoulder, but it's almost like it's directed right at me. And I get down on my knees on the hardwood floor and I feel the pain digging into them. And I'm trying to picture what Adam West's knees feel like in this alleyway. And instead of playing the scene again and listening to the dialogue, I start making up my own dialogue. Holy hard on, Batman. What's that I see in your pants? I'm going to kill you. But first I want to see you play with that thing. And I'm fucking jerking off and I fucking cum ropes. It's like everywhere. A lot of my sexual development came from scenes like this and other moments in the Batman television show. In particular, the end of many episodes where Batman and Robin, sometimes Batgirl, they were tied up in some ridiculously campy death trap. And the announcer would come on and recap what was happening and say, find out next week what happens. Same bat time, same bat channel. And those moments of tension where you didn't know if they were going to live or die. It was when I felt the most alive and the most aroused. Growing up and talking to my peers about sex was peculiar. I felt very isolated, very weird. Especially during moments of, I guess, locker room talk. You know, guys would be talking about, oh, I saw down Beth's shirt. It was really hot. And I'm like, well, I was thinking about Mary cutting my head off the other night. And it just, you know, it doesn't. They don't really go. They don't really go together. So it's a little lonely. And, you know, for years I just. I kept it all to myself. And one day I was dating this girl, and she was a little bit older than me. I was about 16, she was about 20. Don't tell anyone. And out of nowhere, one day we're in my room and we're getting a little drunk, and she just throws me up against the wall. And a knife comes out. Out of nowhere. Where the fuck did this thing come from? And she puts it in my face. And I. I took in this sharp breath of air. And my eyes got really wide. And she looked at me. Ooh, you like that, huh? And I kind of whimpered, you know. Oh, yes. So she takes the knife and she puts it up my shirt. She runs it up my body and it comes out the collar and, you know, it sticks out. And she rips down and cuts my shirt off. I'd like to say it was in one smooth motion, but picture that being, like, really sexy. And then, like, deduct some, like, awkward points. It took a few shit, a few tries, but the shirt came off and then the pants came off. And then she's running this knife up and down my body. And we get on the ground and we fuck. And she's jabbing me in the ribcage with this knife. My eyes are rolling back in my head. I'm fucking. I'm making noises that put Kevin's to shame from that little thing over there. And I get off and I'm bucking like a fucking wild bronco. The knife is jabbing into me. It's a fucking mess. I got little pokes and cat scratch little things all over my body. And as amazing as this sex was, as incredible as it was, the more amazing thing was being like, holy shit, there's someone else out there that's like, fucking weird. It gave me the confidence to start talking about some of the weird stuff. And first I went all in and I was, you know, like, oh, I want to cut my head off. And then I realized, dial it back a little bit. You know, my friends all kind of accepted me as just the weird guy. And, you know, I could say things. If someone was going to take a piss, I'd be like, ah, leave the door open. Or like, you know, I like to smell women's armpits, like, you know, that type of stuff.
- [45:24]
Dixie De La Tour
And.
- [45:26]
Dick Wound
It was great because I was able to connect to more people and find other weirdos like me. In that time, I learned so much about myself. Like, for example, I like to be the henchman just as much as I like to be the dude in distress. Ooh, who was that?
- [45:44]
Kevin Allison
That?
- [45:48]
Dick Wound
But the other side of that is that I noticed in. There was a few times where I was dating someone and it would be they weren't so into that, and I would end up kind of pushing it down because I had a few serious relationships where when I kind of came out with everything, it sort of tanked the relationship. And I kind of freaked people out sometimes. And I learned that if there was someone that I was falling in love with and they weren't into that, I had to bury it because that just didn't work for some people. And I didn't want to be alone. So in my 30s, my life took a really interesting turn. I was on a camping trip with my friends. It was during a heat wave, but. But I was sweating and I was nauseous. I couldn't shake it. 12 hours goes by, and then around the 12th hour, I got this sharp pain in my chest. It was like there was a pipe just, like buried in my heart with a Buick sitting on top of it. I don't know else to describe it. My vision was kind of white. I was very dizzy. And it turns out I was having a massive heart attack. So for the next two years, my life was interesting. I got rushed back to the hospital 11 times with various complications due to that, the damage that I sustained from that, the bottom of my heart is dead. And blah, blah, blah, medical stuff. Boring. But my life turned into just a life of restrictions. I couldn't have chocolate. I couldn't have coffee. I couldn't work in the department I used to work in because I have a pacemaker now and I worked around giant electromagnets. So I had to take a boring desk job. I couldn't really fuck because I was terrified of my heart exploding if my heart rate got too high. And even jerking off was something I just. I did it just to. Just to get it out and have that relief, but there was no real joy in it. There was no real pleasure. And I just. I spiraled and spiraled into this depression. The type of depression where, like, if something's on TV and you don't really like it, you don't change the channel just because you just. You don't care about your life that much. So that's how I started watching say yes to the Dress. And then my favorite was Project Runway, though. Hmm. One day, ID Discovery's on, and this show called why We With Knives comes on, and I'm. And I'm like. I'm watching this woman preparing to, like, poison her husband, and I'm like, oh, God damn. Like, what's going on down there? You know? Like, fuck. I haven't felt feelings like this in a while. And I started kind of connecting the dots and being like, oh. When I was younger, I used to kind of jerk off thinking about dying. And here, the past two years, I've been on the edge of death, and I've been fucking miserable about it. Is there something I can do about that? Don't worry. So I start emailing cam girls, 100 of them at least. Hey, can you shoot a video for me where you're kind of looking at the camera, pretending to kill me, dismember me, stop my heart in some way? And I got back 100 messages that were like, no, that's a little. That's a little out of my comfort zone. I think you might need therapy. You name it, I got the answer. And I'm about to give up. I'm still miserable. And I find this one girl named Desiree, and she looks like someone who I'd be friends with in real life. She's got kind of cute punk rock hair, piercings, tattoos. And I'm like, you look promising. And I said to myself, I'm going to ask one more time. I'm going to ask this girl, and if she says no, I'm going to give up. I'm going to get into therapy. I'm going to figure out what I have to do. And I lay it all out there. Everything I've gone through, all the girls I talked to, all the answers I got. And I ask her to make this video for me, and she almost instantly writes back to me. This is fascinating. Of course I'll do this for you. Just send me a Script. So like a week later I get an email with a link to this video and I watch it and it's kind of standard. I'm tied to a chair in a dirty basement and she's got a set of jumper cables and she's why were you in my house? What were you looking for? And I'm not fucking answering because, like, I'm a fucking masochist, you know? So she's coming at me with the jumper cables and I just watched it. I didn't jerk off anything, I just watched it. But I was rock fucking hard. I watched it a few times and then I finally got up the balls to watch it again with my pants off. So I'm watching it and I'm jerking off, but I'm going slow and I'm really feeling what my hand feels like on my dick and how good that feels. And it's the first time I've thought about that in two years. This wasn't a time where I was just gonna quick, quick, get it out just so that you don't fucking go postal or whatever. This was. I was. This was for me. The video's trucking along and she's asking me the questions. She's pretending to electrocute me. And I'm going a little harder, I'm going a little, you know. And by the end of the video, she's decided that I've told her everything at this point. And she's decided, oh, I can't let you go, sweetheart. You know too much. I'm going to have to kill you. And she starts to approach me very slowly with the jumper cables and she tells me, I'm going to leave these on you and I'm going to touch myself while I watch you die in this slow, agonizing, painful way. And by the way, at this point, I'm like a fucking unstoppable. I don't even give a shit how high my heart rate is. It doesn't fucking matter because I'm connecting the dots. I know what it feels like to die. And I'm starting to apply the real life knowledge of what dying feels like to this fantasy video. And those two things crossed over is like nothing I've ever experienced. And when I fucking came, it was like blowing two years of depression out of the end of my dick. So at this point I decided I can't do this pushing this shit down anymore. I need to get out there. I need to be me. So I find this website, FetLife. All of you friend me, no dickwound. And I start getting involved in my local community and I tell these people, not just the weird, like, oh, I like smelling armpits and, you know, things like that. I start telling them I want to be, you know, tied down to a fucking table saw and cut in half, dick to neck, like, you know, all the really out there shit. And instead of being like, the weird friend, I had, people that were bouncing back to me, like, oh, that's really interesting. That's kind of hot. Not really my thing, but here's what I'm into. For the first time in my life, I felt like I had friends and, like, a sense of community that I had never had before. And I started my own podcast, off the Cuffs, a Kink and BDSM podcast. It was initially to document my journey into kink, into the public kink community, because I'd been privately for so long. And it just, it turned into something else. I've been getting emails from people. You sharing your story made me realize this and that it's opened up a whole new world to me. I realized that it's sort of my responsibility to take these people that have been emailing me that feel lost and, and work with them and get them where they need to go. Because it's my job to give back to Kink what Kink gave back to me.
- [55:03]
Kevin Allison
Kick warned everyone. Yes, indeedy. By the way, I have been a guest on the off the Cuffs podcast. Maybe you will be a guest on the off the Cuffs podcast one day. That just reminded me I really hadn't thought of this in a while. That story reminded me there was once a time that I was all tied up and the guy I was with brought out a big ass knife. My safe word is always red. And I was just like, like, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red. He said, oh, so I guess I shouldn't bring out the gun. Please. No, no, no. Red squared. A few months back on the Risk podcast, I shared a story, a pretty epic story about English play. And it was this story where I'm at an all male camp for the first time and I get ambushed and two guys handcuff me and they throw me down on the ground and they get about seven or eight other men to use me as their human urinal. Or maybe it was on this American Life. Anyway, I started to think back, wait, when was the first time that I was ever exposed to even knowing about the existence of that fetish? And it actually goes right back to being 20 years old and living on Gay street and running around all the adult male bookstores. There was one day when I was making my way from bookstore to bookstore and. And I had to pee like a motherfucker. And I found myself walking past the Stonewall Inn. If you don't know the Stonewall, it's where the entire gay rights movement started when the riots broke out in the summer of 1969 there. But in recent decades, it's been a little bit more of a tourist trap. So I began to feel like. Like even when I was in my 20s, like, oh, you know, probably regular New York guys don't go in there and probably not, you know, guys who are really wild. So I run in there this one particular day and it had been so sunshiny outside that when I came in I was just kind of blinded by the darkness. You know, they had red lights in there, so it was kind of David, David Lynchy. But I was having a hard time adjusting to the light and I was just like, oh my God, I just gotta pee. I just gotta pee so bad. And I found my way back to their bathroom. Now, it was grungier back then. They've kind of renovated it now, but back then they didn't even really have like a proper toilet in this place. They didn't even have what we would call like a regular urinal in this place. They had a trough.
- [58:16]
Dick Wound
Like what you.
- [58:17]
Kevin Allison
Would feed pigs from. It was like this long, narrow metal shelf just sticking out from the wall that you were just supposed to piss into. And when my eyes adjusted enough so that I was like, oh, fuck, that's right, this is the trough place. I was like, oh, no, I hope no one stands next to me because I get shy bladder. See, when I was a little kid, my father used to always take me to the baseball game and to the opera. And whenever it was halftime or intermission, he would take me to the bathroom. But he would stand right next to me in the urinal next to me. And I would get so self conscious that I couldn't pee. So I'd sit there trying to pee and trying to pee and trying to pee and I couldn't. And I'd end up having to act like I peed and zip up and leave the bathroom still having to pee. So here I am like, oh, God, no, I don't want anyone near me at the trough. It'll make me too shy. But it's dark, I don't sense anyone in there. So I kind of let it start to flow, right? And that's when I Hear a voice, and it's very confusing. The voice says to me, I would prefer it on my chest or my face, if you don't mind. And I was like. I was expecting this voice to be coming from behind me or beside me, and I realized it was coming from below me. And I kind of adjusted and refocused my eyes, and I. I saw, oh, there is a little man in this trough. There is a dwarf in this trough in bondage. Someone has tied this motherfucker up and tied him into the trough at three o' clock in the afternoon on a Saturday. And I look closer and he is happy as a pig in shit. He has a huge grin on his face. His shirt and his jeans are sopping wet. And he said, well, come on, just do it. Go ahead. He said, you can use my mouth if you want. And I was so taken aback that my dick just seized up. And I was. I didn't want to, like, yuck on his yum, of course, but I said, I'm sorry, I just get so pea shy. And he said, oh, then you're of no use to me. He says, there's a bar two doors down. So I went into that place being rather unimpressed with the urinal. But as it turned out, the urinal was pretty unimpressed with me. Folks, I am so honored and. And thrilled and touched to bring our next storyteller to the stage. She, like I said, Dixie de La Tour has been an inspiration of mine for years because she not only encourages and supports and just kind of like, gives this, like, mama's love to people, encouraging people to share not just their sex stuff, but their love, you know, I mean, it is so touching to see how she gets a room. Loving each other. And it really has been an inspiration to me for years and years and years. And we've had so much fun every time we've done these shows together in San Francisco. So we're thrilled to have her with us tonight also. She is one hell of a storyteller. So please welcome the stage Dixie de La Tour.
- [63:06]
Dixie De La Tour
How y' all doing? How many you gonna get up and go pee while I tell my story now? So I am sitting at this stainless steel counter of this oyster bar in the Castro in San Francisco, and I am having oysters and champagne, and I'm sitting next to my date, who is the hottest man I have ever been out with. He's got, like, a shaved head and a goatee and olive his skin and he's wiry and he's hairy and Everything about this man turns me on. Have you ever seen the movie the Mummy? The Brendan Fazer mummy? You know the guy, Imhotep, The Mummy, he looked just like Imhotep. Best of all, this guy's just smart. Everything about him. We are sitting there having oysters and champagne together. We are all over each other in this tiny little place. There's only like 24 seats in it. And he's grazing my tits as he reaches across to get the vinaigrette for the oysters. And I'm a little bit more brazen and I reach under and I grab his hard dick underneath the counter through his jeans. And people are starting to notice. In fact, the leather daddy on the other side of Andy, my date that evening, is definitely noticing. And he agrees with me that Andy is the hottest man in this restaurant. And so at some point, he reaches across to pretend to get the salt. And as he does, he touches Andy's arm. And Andy looks like to see who's touching him. And this leather daddy just eye fucks the shit out of him. Normally that would make me feel a little bit nervous, but I'm just smiling ear to ear and I look at that leather daddy in the eye and I go, that's so sweet. But you can back up a little bit. Cause that load is mine tonight. I'd met Andy off Craigslist. We'd been going out about three weeks. I loved the fact that. Well, I loved his picture. He definitely was attractive to me. But he was a high school math teacher. He loved to talk about stuff that I couldn't even figure out what the hell he was talking about. And he liked the fact that my email address was better fed betterheadmail.com.
- [66:00]
Kevin Allison
I.
- [66:01]
Dixie De La Tour
Like to give them a heads up. I'm a big girl, you know. And so we started going out. And I just really like it when someone is out of their element. And he was definitely out of his element with me. He was. You guys know what a muggle is, right? I like to date Muggles. I like like really normal. Never done anything in the sex world because it makes me feel kinda. Makes me feel kinda smart and powerful. You know, they've never heard of this stuff. They've never seen this stuff. So it's just so much fun. And this guy would get so cranky. Cause he was not comfortable in this world, but he certainly wanted to be in this world. He wanted to know everything there was to know. So week one, I take him to his first swinger party. Because that's how you start. And Week two, I take him to his first dungeon and I explain the etiquette of the dungeon and what an X cross is and all of that kind of stuff. And every time he's just uncomfortable, but he loves it at the same time. And the third week, I take him out and I introduce sushi in a hot tub. I introduce sushi in a hot tub. So we go rent a hot tub by the hour, and we have eel and we have spicy tuna, and we're finger banging each other and we're boffin until all the water's out of the hot tub. And as we walk out of the hot tub place, he goes, dix, you have just introduced me to so many new things, and I'd like to introduce you to something new. I'd like you to find a fantasy that you've never done before, and I want to make that fantasy come true for you. And I went to that place, that place you go when you want to be a badass. And I went, oh, honey, I've done a lot of stuff. I'm not sure sure what you could introduce me to that I haven't done. I've done. I know how to make people squirt. And I've done fisting. I've done a lot of stuff. That's really sweet, but I can't think of a single thing that you might be able to show me. And he's like, well, I want you to promise that you're going to keep it in mind. And I'm like, okay, I'll think about it. So he spends the night. The next morning, on Monday morning, he goes off to his. His job to teach kids high school math. And I go off to my job at an advertising agency. And I'm talking to my co worker, Mike Starrs. He's this flamboyant gay character always wearing this bright tropical shirt. And he's like, how's your weekend? I'm like, I'm dating the hottest nerd. Oh, my God. Everything about him just totally works for me. But sometimes when he goes off on astrophysics or environmental biology or. Or algebra, I just want to go, yeah, flowers are pretty. Because I don't feel very smart. Mike just smiles at me. Andy goes, well, you can be a little insecure sometime, but I want you to remember you have something that Andy does not have. And I'm like, well, what's that? And he goes, you have a blowjob trophy. And I'm like, whoa, I think I might have got that trophy for quantity, maybe not quality. Well, okay, how about the fact that you invented a kind of blow job? Do y' all want to learn what kind of blow job I have? So I invented a kind of blow job called the Wet Dixie. So Wet Dixie is when I would often like to surprise guys with this. I would carry around this giant bottle of lube in my purse and get their dick all nice and hard. And then when they weren't looking, you'd reach in your purse and you. And you fill your hand up with lube. And when they weren't looking, you went like this. And you get it all warm, like room temperature. And then you do that champagne blowjob trick where you go down on their dick because if you spill it, they're kind of onto you. And I suck their dick and it feels like the wettest pussy you've ever had on your dick. One time I was doing it to this guy and we were in a car and he was 20 something and I was much older than him. And I sneak and I get the lube in my hand and I put it in and I go down on him and he's just like, wait a minute. Wait, wait. What the fuck are you doing down there? Is that your tongue? I can't figure it out. You've got to tell anybody. Pulls me up off his dick and so I swallow. He's like, tell me how you did that. And I'm like, I'm not telling you how I did that. Why not? I'm like, I tell you how to do that, you find an adorable 19 year old and you have her do that to you. And when that happens, happens, I'm out of the business. So if you want kfc, you gotta come to the colonel, motherfucker. So Mike Stars is making me feel a little bit better about myself. So he says, you know what? I came across something the other day. It totally made me think of you. And he comes, he goes to the nearest computer and he pulls up a website. And the name of the website is milkers.com and I take one look at all the gay men with giant hard dicks and I'm like, we're going to get fired. And I shut that shit down. But the minute I get home, I go to milkers.com and it has got hard dicks all over the homepage and it says, milkers.com is this membership site in Hollywood, California. Only men are allowed to join. And if you join the site, they have modified farm equipment and they suck. They suck all the cum out of your dick when you sign the paperwork you gotta agree to, minimum a half an hour being milked. So you got this cow teat thing attached to your dick just pulling all the cum out of you. I'm wondering what that's like. You just walk off the street in Hollywood and you're just like, oh look, there's, huh, yeah, jars full of cum. And I go into the frequently asked questions and the number one question, that's funny, really, okay, I go into the FAQs and it says, the number one question it says is how do I buy all the buckets and buckets and buckets and buckets of cum that you guys have collected from all the men walking in off the street in Hollywood, California? Because milkers.com is purported to have the most delicious, tasty, sweet come in all of the world. I'm like, how can that be sweet? I mean, I love to suck a dick, but sweet, I never, I didn't do it for the flavor. I mean, sweet. And that takes me right back to my first blowjob. And my first blowjob was my boyfriend, Brian Fisher. Brian Fisher. We lived in the Blue Ridge mountains of Virginia and Brian was gay. And I would say, so you've sucked a dick, what's that like? You know? And he'd say, well, it's really great. And I'm like, so, yeah, I could tell it would be fun to suck a dick, but when it comes out, what does cum taste like? And he said, this is going to really surprise you, but it tastes just like ice cream. I'm like, it does not. He goes, it does, it really does. And I'm like, huh? And he goes, well, won't you find out? We're up in a hayloft on a neighbor's property. He's sitting on a hay bale. He shucks down his pants and he's like, get to town, come on, you can find out yourself. And I'm like, okay, all right, fine. He's giving me pointers. As I'm sucking his dick, it's getting hard. And I'm looking up at his face and he's got this expectant look. And I'm like, well, he's really into it. And I'm just watching his face and I feel his dick kind of get hard. And then all of a sudden he comes in my mouth and all wrapped around his dick, I make the most God awful face. Because it don't taste like ice cream.
- [76:31]
Corinne Fisher
You're damn right.
- [76:35]
Dixie De La Tour
It tastes like rattlesnake venom is what it tastes like. Brian falls off the hay bale laughing. He's just crying, saying, I wish you could have seen your face when you swallowed. So I'm like, sweet. How can cum be that sweet? It can't possibly. So on milkers.com I click on this link that says 10amazing cum facts, and they're gonna tell you how to make cum really sweet. They're lies. Someone here has sucked a dick in.
- [77:13]
Corinne Fisher
Their life.
- [77:17]
Dixie De La Tour
And it's got all this information on how to flavor your cum. It's got, like, donnie, don't eat red meat. Don't have cigarettes, don't drink caffeine, have lots of salad, have lots of fruit, drink a lot of water. And they tell you that you can not only affect the flavor of cum, you can affect the quantity of cum. You can make a load the size of a fucking Atlantic Ocean and. But the thing that was most interesting about this. Yeah, there's the salad. Yeah, there's the meat. It says there is a secret to making cum so sweet that you're gonna be astounded by how delicious it is. Delicious. Do you wanna know what the secret of delicious cum is?
- [78:11]
Corinne Fisher
Yeah.
- [78:13]
Dixie De La Tour
I don't believe you. Do you wanna know the secret of delicious? The secret of delicious cum is molasses. Molasses is what is known as a double whammy. A double whammy will not only make the cum taste incredibly delicious, it will make the quantity of the cum be astoundingly huge. And I'm like, oh, my God. I think this is the thing. So when Andy comes over the next night, he sets up the Trivial Pursuit board. Because I love to lose at Trivial Pursuits. I get to learn while you beat my ass. And I said, you know that fantasy thing you had the other day? I think I got. I think I got the thing. And he goes, yeah. And I'm like, I want to control your diet for three days, and you can only eat exactly what I tell you to eat. Nothing else. And he's like, you want to dom my food? And I'm like, no, I don't want to dom your food. I wanna. I want to feel like a scientist because I feel smart in the world of sex. And this is an opportunity for me to do something that makes me feel smart. And I said, and I've learned how to do it, and I want to do it together. And he is really excited about this idea. He can't believe I've never done it before, which is astounding. So he. He gets a pen and piece of paper, and he's like, okay, Here we go. What are we doing? I'm like, okay, number one, can't have no stinky fish, no red meat, didn't drink coffee, didn't smoke cigarettes, can't have any asparagus, can't have any beer. You're dying over there, aren't you? No, Peter. Number two, you are going to have tons and tons of salad. You're going to drink a lot of water. You're going to have a lot of fruit. You're going to have melon and papaya and kiwi and bananas, and all of these things. Sweeten your cum. Pineapple for sure. Absolutely. Give that man a round of applause. That person is a pervert. Pineapple's the most obvious one. Thank you for bringing that up. Number three, every single day, you are going to have as much molasses as you can get into your body. He's like, well, how am I going to do that? Nobody eats molasses. And I'm like, well, you could get up in the morning. You could do a couple tablespoons before you go to work. That's one way. Or you could have fruitcake. You could have gingerbread, which has molasses in it. You could have homemade oatmeal cookies made with molasses. You could have baked beans. But you can only do that one for the first two days. All of these things have molasses in them. And it's really important that to see if this science experiment has worked. You cannot masturbate or have sex for the next three days. And he's like, well, okay, that's going to be hard, but let's do it. So the next morning, he gets up and he is on his new diet. And the hottest foreplay I have ever experienced is this guy calling me three or four times a day going, I'm eating Caesar salad. Cracker Jacks is another one. And he's like, I'm on the golf course and I'm eating Cracker Jacks and my hands are all sticky, and I'm thinking about you, and I'm just like, I didn't even know this was a thing. This is awesome. So on the second night, I'm like, okay, so tomorrow night's a big night. We're gonna find out if I'm a nerd or not. Let's go out, have oysters. Let's have champagne. And then we're gonna go home and I'm gonna suck a hell of a lot of cum out of your dick. And he says, I'm in. So we go to the oyster bar. We have oysters, we have champagne. They say, y' all want dessert? And we go, no. And we race home to my apartment. And as we get inside, we are tearing each other's clothes off. And we only make it as far as the dining room because I have got him stripped naked. And I am on my knees. I am on my knees naked, gobbling up that dick. And it's a nice dick, and it is hard as a rock. For we're even in the door. And I can't wait to find out if everything we've been doing, this food foreplay, is actually gonna work. And so I am going to town on his dick. And I might have been a little bit overzealous. Cause in about one minute, he blows his load. And it's not the biggest load. It tastes kind of like it always tasted, which is kind of like rattlesnake bit him. And he's looking down at my face expectantly like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm like. I sit back on my heels and I pout. And I'm like, I wanted you to make me a scientist. I wanted you to make me a nerd. And it's exactly the same. It's not different. And he goes, honey, you have to understand that science experiments fail more times than they succeed. We can try it again. Let's go to bed. I'm like, okay. We climb into the bed and go to sleep. And a couple hours later, I feel a hard dick pressing against my ass. Most surprised at that, because Andy's not a bounce back boy. He's like a one and done. But his dick is ready to go. And I want to do something that makes me feel good. And so I slide down under the covers. And this one's not for him, and this one's not for science. This one's for me. And I take my sweet ass time just sliding his dick down my throat, doing all those tricks, you know, like deep throating it. And you know that trick where you tickle their frenulum and they're just like. Their cock twitches and they're just like. And he's got his hand on the back of my head, and it's nice and slow, and I feel that cock start twitching. And I feel his cock getting harder. And I know he's about ready to blow his load in my mouth. And I'm just like, yeah, here it comes. And when he comes, it is four times more than he has ever cummed in his life. And it tastes just like candy. And I hope I don't swallow it. And I'm just like, wow, that's amazing. Is that papaya? Yeah. I taste a little cinnamon from the oatmeal cookies. And there's some nutmeg, banana and pineapple. And way down underneath, I taste that deep, dark blackstrap molasses. And I pop up with the. This giant grin on my face, and I'm like, baby, you made me a nerd. Thank you. And I said, you know what I realized? I'm sorry, Kevin. I get a little lost when I talk about dick. And I said, baby, you know what? I figured it out. The first blowjob, that should have been the one. But the reason it worked on the second blowjob is because we forgot to clear the pipes. You didn't masturbate, you didn't fuck. So next time we do this, we're going to do it completely different. And he's like, I'm in. And so now I have this new fantasy. And my new fantasy is to open Dixie's Semen Candy and gift Shop. And you can walk in off the street in Hollywood, California, and you can buy premade bottles of watermelon, kiwi or molasses nutmeg, or you can buy it right there in the store, or you can take all the ingredients home and make your own. I'm so grateful that I now have this thing that can keep me thrilled for years to come. Thank you.
- [88:09]
Kevin Allison
Milkers.comdixon.
- [88:32]
Dixie De La Tour
So it feels like I just got off an airplane from the east coast, but it's time to get back on one. Let me tell you about the upcoming shows for Body storytelling on Thursday, October 12th. Good Lord. That's right. Now we'll be in Seattle and. And the theme for the night is lusty, super hot, Juicy Stories. And that'll be at the rebar, Seattle. We'll have Rachel Lark, who's fresh off the tour with us to perform live in Seattle. And it's been a while since she's performed in Seattle with us, so please don't miss it. You can get your tickets@bawdistorytelling.com then the following week, October 19th, I'm back in San Francisco. And. And the theme of the night at the Verdi Club is going to be sexual napalm. I'm a make love, not war kind of girl. But I really wanted to hear those crazy chemistry experiment, insane physical reactions that people can have to each other. The stories for sexual napalm are already incredible. We're going to have sex educator Reid Michalko coming All the way from from Portland to tell a brand new story. We are going to have podcast favorite Lacey Lou Winklepleck. She'll be telling a new story for us and so much more. Our musical act is going to be Jefferson Berge and he's writing a brand new song for sexual napalm. So be sure to join us in San Francisco at the Verdi Club. And then it's time to think about your own stories and submit your story to me so that you can be on stage in November. In November. We're gonna be back in Seattle on November 9th. The theme of that show is yes, please. What's that make you think of? Could be a story about consent. Could be a special story for Kinktober. So send me your story to dixieaudistorytelling.com right after that on November 16th. The theme is gonna be Hurt. So good. So I'm thinking kinky stories are gonna be a great fit for that theme. That's November 16th in San Francisco. Submit your story for Seattle or for San Francisco. And I'm already planning my next trip out on the road. So if you live in a city and you want body storytelling, send me an email. Dixieodistorytelling.com Tell me where you live, tell me what your community's like, and let's get that live show there. Podcasts are amazing, but live shows are where it's at. I want to meet you face to face. It's time to say thank you. Thank you to Kevin Allison and the Risk Podcast for creating a magical evening in Brooklyn. I loved working with you. I want to do it again and again. Body storytelling and Risk go together so well. Thank you to podcast producer for Risk, JC Cassis, to sound engineer for Risk, Jeff Barr, and to Matthew Marder, my podcast producer, for making this evening of stories in Brooklyn available all over the world so that you can listen wherever you are. That's it for part one of the Body Storytelling Risk collaboration show recorded live in Brooklyn. Part two is coming up next week. Till then, go over to risk-show.com and listen to Kevin Allison's thoughts on the evening. I'm sexual folklorist Dixie De La Tour. Thank you so much for listening. And this has been the Bodi storytelling podcast.
- [91:56]
Body Storytelling Chorus
Just keep breathing til you're through. Unless breath play is something you're into.
- [92:02]
Dixie De La Tour
Totally fine, totally cool. No judgment.
- [92:07]
Corinne Fisher
You think you're just vanilla till you.
- [92:09]
Body Storytelling Chorus
Tell them what'll thrill you better Spill it till you feel it, don't quit it till you get it fitted into 10 minutes they'll wait till you are finished Considering how considerate is a pervert when they're literate they'll be singing Body got me laid. Body got me laid Body got me laid Body got me laid Body got me laid Body got me laid Body got me laid. Body got me laid. There's a pervert out there for you.
- [92:51]
Dixie De La Tour
If you're brave enough to share Just.
- [92:55]
Body Storytelling Chorus
Ask them for a bango clue Then say if they would like to get some air what you doing later tonight? Got a cool idea that you should try get your ass up in front of a crowd and scream your secrets loud and proud let's all sing now. Body got me laid.
- [93:19]
Dixie De La Tour
Yeah.
- [93:20]
Body Storytelling Chorus
Body got me laid. That's right. Body got me laid.
- [93:24]
Dixie De La Tour
You guys sound great.
- [93:26]
Body Storytelling Chorus
Body got me laid. Body got me laid. Thanks, Dixie. Body got me laid Laid. Body got me laid Body got me laid. Thank you, guys.
- [93:49]
Kevin Allison
I would prefer it on my chest or my face, if you don't mind.