Melaina Williams Haas (3:47)

Aw.

Dixie de La Tour (3:48)

Supposed to be my musical act.

Kevin Allison (3:50)

There were still six Hedwigs.

Dixie de La Tour (3:53)

And the night before the show, I got a phone call that says, all.

Kevin Allison (3:56)

The Hedwigs are sick.

Dixie de La Tour (3:58)

And I said, you got six hedwigs.

Kevin Allison (4:00)

How is that humanly possible?

Dixie de La Tour (4:03)

And they're like, sorry, nobody can come be music for your show. And I panicked and I texted people and I said, do you know anybody who'd be great to do music for body storytelling? And one woman said, absolutely. I know the perfect musical act. And when I called her and talked to her, I said, do you have any songs about sex? And she said, I do not. And I'm like, why are you the perfect person for this? And she said, well, I have one song that's a little sexy. It's kind of not clear, but it's so I needed a musical act. She came out so incredibly talented and blew us all away. And at the end of the night, she watched the whole show. And then she came up to me at the end of the show and she said, you know, I could write dirty songs for your show. And I went, that'd be my dream come true. And for four years now, she's been writing custom songs for my show.

Melaina Williams Haas (4:57)

And filthy.

Kevin Allison (4:58)

And they're filthy.

Dixie de La Tour (5:01)

Every single sexual act you've ever done or ever thought about doing, she's got a song for it.

Bex Caputo (5:07)

Rachel Arc.

Melaina Williams Haas (5:10)

Like I was saying before, we made quite a strong splash with that piss play story that I told several months ago on the podcast. But one of the nicest things about sharing stories on the podcast is the people who sometimes come to you after they hear them. A few weeks after we first ran that story, I found myself on a kink site and I met the cutest young guy. And the two of us decided that we should, you know, after a little bit of chatting, go out for dinner. And so it was really cute. Let's call him Helmut because he had this very old fashioned German name, which was especially adorable because he was very Malaysian. So over dinner, I'm like, oh, my God, this guy is so adorable. And he keeps saying to me, oh, my God, that story you told about all those guys who turned you into their urinal. I like that story. And then he'd take a sip of his cocktail and kind of bat his eyelashes at me. I was like, okay. After dinner, a little while later, we ended up going to this place. It was a gay sports bar, which are now very popular. It was called Gym, the Gym Bar in Chelsea. And you know, it's filled with bears and muscle jocks and guys who actually know, like, what the football team from Cleveland is called. Brown. I'm from Cincinnati, so that was a little bit of a dig. So we're in Jim Bar, right? And it was funny because I was having odoues. Now, o' Toole's is the non alcoholic beer that is put out by Budweiser. And oh my God, anything that is put out by Budweiser sucks. And so if you want a non alcoholic beer, a bar is either going to have nothing or the. That one, right? So it's a real pisser, which is a little bit of a foreshadowing of what happens. So I'm drinking my o' tools, and at one point I notice boy, Helmut is drinking the real stuff and he is starting to get warm and fuzzy. The two of us are kind of feeling kind of cuddly already, and you're trying to kind of, I don't know, get all over each other right in the middle of a public space and standing straight up. So that is what is going on. And I finish my odouls and I slam it down on the bar. And he gets this big grin on his face and he grabs the empty bottle and he says, you finished? You want another? And I said, yeah, yeah, indeed. He's giving me this big grin and he kind of pats my lap and he says, oh, hold this space. And he takes the empty beer bottle and he saunters off to the bathroom. And a couple minutes later, he comes sauntering back out of the bathroom with that grin still on his face and the bottle, and he said, I refilled it for you. And he handed it to me and it was full again and warm. Well, my dick was hard. I was like, wow, okay, this boy is kinky. And I took a long, slow swig. And you know what? Oh my God, it was so much better than o'.

Bex Caputo (9:30)

Toole's.

Melaina Williams Haas (9:38)

It was pleasant, it was mild, it.

Bex Caputo (9:41)

Was refreshing.

Melaina Williams Haas (9:44)

But it was definitely his piss that felt like something that came out of a cock. So then he takes a swig and. And he says, whoa, that is good. And I said, you know what, Helmut? Everyone knows that whatever Budweiser makes is piss water, but yours is so much better than the one they make.

Bex Caputo (10:14)

We could make a fortune.

Melaina Williams Haas (10:19)

So after the show, be sure to head to the bar and check out me and my business partner's new line. We call them Hellmut tinkles. And we might as well use the same tagline that O' Toole's uses, which is what beer drinkers drink when they're not drinking beer.

Dixie de La Tour (10:57)

Hey, did you know there's one thing that's better than story? You know what it is? It's backstory. And you can get the backstory on working with me and on what it's like to share the stage with body storytelling From Kevin Allison at the Risk Podcast So go to risk-show.com Kevin has insight about giggling backstage, handing out dildos, all of the things that maybe I haven't talked about, but just sort of kind of did, but not as good as he does. So go to risk-show.com this week's podcast, and you can hear not just these stories, but Kevin's thoughts and musings on the evening, too. So I've been getting moving fan mail from places like Tel Aviv and Zurich and Portsmouth, Virginia, and New Orleans and Denver and all kind of other places that never had these true stories of sex, kink and gender before. Because Body Storytelling is a live storytelling show produced on the West Coast, a podcast was a pretty major undertaking and it's a lot of work. Sound engineering, hosting. Not me hosting, the other kind of hosting. All of those things cost money. So if you could show your financial support by going to patreon.com P-A-T-R-E-O-N.com you can make a monthly recurring donation to show that you want us to keep doing this podcast. Go ahead and wait. It's kind of important. Patreon.com Bodi you can do as little as a dollar a month, but that shows us that this is important to you.

Melaina Williams Haas (12:47)

Our next storyteller I am so thrilled to announce Bex Caputo is a sex educator, blogger, speaker and podcaster. They've been a proud and undeniable kinkster ever since they insisted on being served their meals in a dog bowl at age 8. You can find them on Twitter @bextalkss and on their blog@becxtalksex.com Please welcome to stage Bex Computo.

Kevin Allison (13:33)

Wow, it is bright up here. This is fine. Lifelong dream to perform at Bawdy. It's fine. I got this. All right, So I was 24 years old the first time I left the country and as soon as my plane touched down in Toronto, turned my cell phone on to check my text messages and I have a text from my best friend and it says, hey, so there's a party at the hotel tonight. My friend's bringing a backpack full of pot brownies And I found two volunteers to go down on you. Cool. Good.

Bex Caputo (14:05)

Great.

Kevin Allison (14:06)

This is a significant text message for a couple of reasons. One, my friends are great. And two, up until this point, I was 24 years old and no one had gone down on me before. I know you guys.

Bex Caputo (14:22)

Now.

Kevin Allison (14:23)

Am I exaggerating a little bit? My partner or my ex had offered, volunteered. We had tried, but I don't know if you've ever had someone go down on you who seems like completely disgusted by the concept. But he would, like pull his head back and stick his tongue out as far as he could and like vaguely kind of maybe touch my genitals. And anytime I tried to kind of like lean down and get more pressure or sensation, much of anything, he would, like, pull his head back and like, look at me and tell me, you know, you can't do that. I'm going to drown. As if he was amazed that I was like, wet, which, looking back, I'm amazed I was wet, but that's an entirely different thing. But that was really kind of emblematic of our whole relationship. When I was first attracted to him, it was because he would tell me these stories of all these adventures he had been on in the past and all these parties he'd gone to and the sex he'd had. And I was like, great. We met in high school and I was like, this is my opportunity to try all the things to go on, all the adventures. And that didn't really happen in our relationship. The same face he made when he tried to go down on me is the face he would make anytime we tried to have sex, Anytime I would try to hold his hand or kiss him hello. I just slowly, over the course of this six year long relationship, I know I learned that my sexuality was a burden to him, that I was something he had to take care of, that I was a chore so that I would stop whining.

Bex Caputo (15:59)

I know, look how far you've come though.

Kevin Allison (16:02)

I know. And in all that time, I was still ravenously curious about sex. I was becoming a pretty established sex blogger. I was becoming a part of the community. I was meeting a lot of people and I would look at all of these things and hear all of these stories and I would think, that's the kind of sex life I'm going to have when I'm out of this relationship. Those are the things I'm going to get to do one day. So now here I am, 24, about eight months out of my relationship, and I'm in Toronto and I have A text that says that there are two people volunteering to go down on me. And I'm like, cool. This is great. Later that night, I'm at the party at the hotel. It's queer prom, so I know, because queers are great. The whole hotel room, not hotel room, but, like, ballroom is set up in, you know, paper streamers and the little balloons and set up like your high school prom. Everyone's in their prom dresses and their tuxes and having a grand old time. And we're standing in a circle, and my friend Taylor brings up this thing again. He's like, so you know you've never had anyone go down on you before? And I'm like, no, I haven't. And he's like, we can make that happen so we can change that. I'm like, I mean, I don't know. So he goes, no, you know, I'm gonna go get some volunteers. And then he flounced off across the room in his, like, flowy, flowery dress and started recruiting people. Now, in this time, I was like, I said I was a sex educator blogger, getting a part of this community. And I was familiar with the concept of, like, owning your desires and talking about your desires and negotiation. And that's how you make things happen, right? I was familiar with all of this in theory. This is the first time it was being put into practice in a room full of strangers, all coming up to me going, hey, would you like me to go down on you later? So that's a test in owning your desires. And Taylor would bring people over and be like, what about this one? I have two over here.

Dixie de La Tour (18:08)

What do you think?

Kevin Allison (18:10)

So, like, what's your type? Who are you into? Can you give me a little bit more guidance? Because all I was capable of doing was, like, giggling and squirming and being like, I don't really know. At one point, this gorgeous, tall, curvy redhead comes up to me, and she comes up and gets way up close, right in my personal space, and I'm about tit height here, so I just got to look up because I am a very small boy. And she looks me dead in the eye, and she goes. I swear to God, she looks at me and says, so Taylor told me about your quest, and I just wanted to let you know that I would chew through a park bench to eat your cunt. Now, I'm not really sure what I said in the moment, because it's two years later, and I still don't have a good answer to that, but luckily, she just Kind of vanished back into the party and was gone. So I'm just kind of standing here looking for, like, all right, where's my next out? Where's the next maybe shred of normalcy that I can grab out of this party? And I see this cute guy over in the corner. He's wearing a rainbow bowtie, which will become relevant because it's two years later and I still exclusively refer to him as bowtie. And he's talking to someone who I've met already. I know this person. I'm like, great, there's my inn. I have this opportunity to go talk to this cute guy. So as I'm walking across the room trying to figure out how I'm going to insert myself into this conversation, I get right within earshot where I can hear what they're saying. And he's in the middle of saying, yeah. So Taylor says they've never had anyone go down on them before. And at this point, I'm too close to the conversation to kind of, like, do a barrel roll and vanish. So I do. The only thing I can do is and walk up and go, hey, my name's Bex. That story's about me. Shockingly, the rest of the conversation wasn't nearly as awkward. He actually sat me down and was the first person that night to be like, okay, but, like, do you really want this? Do you really want someone to go down on you tonight? Because it can happen. We can make it happen. We have a room full of very eager queers here, and the power of queers can do anything. And he's like, but you need to own it, right? You need to go out there and you need to ask for it. You need to pick someone who you are attracted to and say, yes, I want this to happen tonight. I was like, okay, all right, I can do that. I can do this. And before I know it, the party's winding down, and Taylor comes over to me with that tall, curvy redhead from earlier, and they both kind of corner me, and they're like, hey, so there's a party upstairs afterwards in our hotel suite. Grab anyone else you're interested in and come on up. All right, cool. Yeah, that sounds fun. Maybe I will come to that party. Maybe I will do that. And they go, no, no, no. The party's for you. Grab anyone else. Be a good boy and come upstairs. I don't say no to things when people call me a good boy, because I am a very good boy. So we made my way upstairs, and when I get there, that gorgeous redhead is waiting for me with a pair of leather cuffs. And she says, in front or in back? In front. She cuffs my wrists in front of me and brings me over to these closet doors that are double paneled mirrors because this hotel was smart. And she bends me over in front of the closet doors, hands out in front of me, and says, now, for everything I do to you after this, I want you to be looking at yourself. I want you to watch all of the things I'm about to do to you. Okay?

Bex Caputo (22:15)

Yeah, sure. No, that's fine.

Kevin Allison (22:20)

So she starts running her hands up and down my back and my thighs. She starts spanking me a little bit, real gently, you know, just to warm up the skin, get me nice and pink. And she slides her hands up my thighs and finds, you know, that part of your thigh right at the top, right next to your bits, that's like super thick and fleshy. She grabs that part of my thigh and squeezes as hard as she can. It's rather sensitive. I jumped about 10ft up in the air and squealed, which is apparently adorable because she did it three more times. She goes back to spanking me. I think she had a flogger at one point, just overwhelming me with sensation. And then she turns me around and she takes her knuckle and runs it right up my chest, right at my sternum, right in the middle. And she grabs me by the shoulder and pushes hard with that knuckle, right in the middle. And she gets nice and close and she says, now, every time, that sore. For the next day, the next couple days, I want you to think back about that bitch from Winnipeg. By the way, she came from Winnipeg to go to this event. Makes more sense if you say that. And I was like, yeah, ok, yeah, sure, I'll thank that bitch from Winnipeg. The thigh thing hurt more, but, like, I'm sure this will bother me, but she knew what she was doing because for days later, every time I moved, I had this nice sore spot right in the middle of the chest. Put a seatbelt on. God, that bitch from Winnipeg. Pick up my backpack.

Bex Caputo (23:53)

Son of.

Kevin Allison (23:53)

That bitch from Winnipeg doing a bench press at the gym. That bitch. Every time. But by the end of the scene, she's got me bent over in front of this mirror and she grabs me by the hair and picks my head up because my head's hanging. At this point, I'm not watching myself anymore. I'm not watching much of anything. She picks my head up and has me look at myself in the mirror again. And she Said, now the last thing I want you to do is I want you to tell yourself you're beautiful. Oof. So that's. That's the hardest thing I had to do that night, because I'm coming out of a relationship of six years where I was told my sexuality was a burden. And now I have to not only believe that she wants to be there, I have to believe that I deserve for her to want to be there. And I look in the mirror and I mumble something completely unintelligible. And she goes, no, no, no. I want you to say it. Say you're beautiful. So I muddled something completely unintelligible again, and she says one more time. She's like, I'm gonna wait. We're gonna do this until you're ready. So I look myself in the mirror and I say, I am beautiful. And then she turns me around and has me face the room. Room full of 10 or so people, bow ties there, a couple other friends that I've got. Yeah. She turns me around to face the room and she says, great, now tell them. And they're all looking at me, and I swallow, and I'm like, I am beautiful. And I'm pretty sure they clapped because they're queers. Aw, look, you're queer, too. Then she brings me over and she lays me down on the bed. And as I'm just coming down from this awesome scene, I notice Bowtie is getting up to leave. And I'm like, but, but wait. Makeouts, though. So I get up and I at least go to give him a hug goodbye, you know, I figure I'll get something. And as I go over and I'm like, hey, you know, can I give you a hug? He puts his hand on my chest, shoves me back onto the bed and starts making out with me. Pins my wrists over my head, grinding his thigh right between my legs, you know, the good stuff, real good. And then gets up and has to leave. But at least I got a parting gift. And at this point, I'm already laying back on the bed in a room full of queers, and they descend. So I've got someone, you know, licking and kissing on my nipples. I've got someone's hands all over the place. I'm laying with my head in someone else's lap while they whisper filthy, filthy shit in my ears. And there was a very cute boy between my legs, kissing up my thighs and pushing my underwear out of the way. And he starts going down on me. And it's great, because he wants to be there, right? He's got his face buried in my bits. He's licking and sucking and actually enjoying himself. And what was really amazing out of all of this, like, yeah, it's great having a lot of people touching you in a lot of places. And, like, oral sex is great. I don't know if I need to tell y'. All. Newsflash is fun. And then, like, the night progressed to just across the board make outs with everyone. There was one girl there who had so much glitter on her face that we could track who she had made out with when the lights came back up and exactly where it was fantastic. But the most exciting thing about that evening was sitting in this room and realizing that it didn't feel weird. I was in the middle of my first group sex experience in a country I'd never been in, in a room mostly full of strangers. And I felt at ease. I felt comfortable. This didn't feel like a foreign experience, right? This felt like the sex life I was supposed to have been having. And when I got up and left that room at the end of the night, someone asked me if I needed help going home. And I was like, no, why would I need help going home? This is fine. And then I opened the door and got hit with the fluorescent lights of the hotel and fully realized what people meant when they said fuck drunk. Because that's a very real thing, y'. All. The hotel felt like I was in a different world once I had emerged from the room and I walked down the hallway and got into the lobby and just had to sit down and think about the fact that for six years I had spent my life wondering and saying, when. When this is over is when I'm going to get to do those things one day. I'm going to get to live that life. And I was fucking living it. And it was.

Dixie de La Tour (28:58)

I want to tell you about upcoming live shows for body storytelling on January 11th in Seattle. The theme is Born this Way. If you'd like to be on stage in Seattle, pitch me your story as soon as possible@dixie bodystorytelling.com and then January 18th in San Francisco, one of our most popular themes, Bottoms Up. True Stories of Anal Drinking and submission. That's actually. Or submission, you know, so. But if you go ahead and you get the trifecta and you get anal drinking submission altogether, it's gonna be a really messy story, but I'd really like to hear that story either way. And then on Tuesday, January 23rd, it's our annual San Francisco Sketchfest show. We will be at the Punchline, and that is Tuesday, January 23rd. You can get tickets on for that show at sfsketchfest.com you can get tickets for any of the other shows@bodystorytelling.com I hope to see you live at a show soon. There is nothing like the live experience of Bodi. So our final performer tonight is one of the most astounding storytellers I have ever met in my life. No holds barred. She is incredible. You may have heard her on the Mitt Risk podcast. You may have heard her on the Body Storytelling podcast when we've done Body Storytelling's Best to Body, where people vote. She wins every single year. Every year. She's astounding. Yes. There is a documentary coming out in early 2018 called the Artist and the Pervert, a documentary of her life and her partnership with her partner, Georg.

Kevin Allison (30:48)

Hey, Georg, how you doing?

Dixie de La Tour (30:53)

And I just want to let y' all know that Georg is a famous Austrian composer. And I said, melaina, is there anything you'd like me to mention? She goes, you could pimp out Georg and tell him he's looking to get some action tonight. So if you like to fuck famous people, if you're a star fucker, you can have that happen.

Kevin Allison (31:13)

Are you star.

Dixie de La Tour (31:14)

We got a star fucker over here.

Bex Caputo (31:15)

All right. We don't understand what you're saying, Dixie.

Kevin Allison (31:23)

I do not understand.

Dixie de La Tour (31:24)

I don't. Yeah, he does it to me every single time. I told him I was gonna organize a motorboat bang orgy for him, and he just looked at me alarmed, and I thought I didn't have consent. I'm like, only if you want. I don't. And after the fifth person went, I'm in on that motorboat bang. We're all gonna put our tit in his face. Motorboat bang, like six people. He finally went, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. So this is your final storyteller, and she's astounding. So remember, if you want to get your asses out of your chairs and give her a standing ovation, I am all in favor of giving people the love they deserve. Your final storyteller tonight is Melaina Williams Haas.

Kevin Allison (32:17)

Give it up.

Bex Caputo (32:33)

Brooklyn. I got family originally from Flatbush, so I'm down in December of 2013. I was living with two fantastic Jewish dykes out in Flushing, and I was barely making it as a sex educator because talking to people about sexual is not the most lucrative career one can come up with. And I had been working for a sex website. Basically, you know, do you Remember Adult Friend Finder? Remember those motherfuckers? Yeah. They made a lot of money. And so my job at the time for them was writing copy and searching for the most magnificent dick pics to put up on their website. And so I had done this for years, basically working at a place where. Where if you aren't looking at dick, they know you're fucking around. So it's like you're looking at, like, oh, lolcats law cats.

Kevin Allison (33:38)

And then your boss comes and you're.

Bex Caputo (33:38)

Like, oh, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick. Like, that was my job. And I made a shit ton of money. So coming from being, like, a poor black kid from the projects to making the most money I had made in my life, looking at dick was kind of amazing. And so I spent a couple of years then running around the country and running around all over the world, like to Europe and Australia and every place, talking about sex, talking about kink. As a black woman who also identified as being submissive and being into kink and bdsm, there weren't a lot of role models out there for me. So I had to kind of, like, be my own pervert. Like, the two or three other submissive black women that I had met in my life were, like, amazing stalwarts of the kink community. And then I was like, yes, there need to be more of us. There need to be more kinky black women out there doing the kinky black women thing. Thing for us, for the people. Why aren't they out there? And then they're like, if you don't see what you want, be the change. And they're like, suck. I don't want to be the change. I just want to, like, you know, fucking chill and watch the change. But no. So I had really dedicated myself to this, and I had spent years pursuing this dream. And In December of 2013, I was down to my last thousand bucks in the bank, and I was living with two friends, and they were magnificent. They were wonderful. But this was not going to be the rest of my fucking life. And I had tried for so many years to find a dominant partner. And the thing is this. Like, a lot of people when they meet me, are kind of shocked I'm submissive. I have no fucking idea why this is so hard for them to believe. And I would meet these guys and they'd be like, well, you don't act very submissive. And I'm like, well, you don't act very dominant because if you did, I'd be kneeling and sucking your dick. Wouldn't I? So I sought the dominant type for me. And I had dated a couple people, I had a couple really great relationships, but nothing that ever really gelled. And everyone was either like super polyamorous. And while I don't mind playing around with other people, I really wanted that heart bond, connection with one person. And that was a little bit hard to find in the king community. And I had compromised so much. And let me tell you, compromising is great until you grind up against your limit and you're like, oh, this is no longer compromise. This is me actually giving up on my fucking dreams, which I did not want to fucking do. So in this shower, I had one of these conversations with, with God, flying, spaghetti monster, the universe, whoever the fuck you want to call it, your higher power, right? And I said, look, you know what? I have put myself out there, I have had faith, I have taken the leap. I left San Francisco, I grew up in New York, I moved out to the west coast, did the west coast thing, came back, New York received me like a lover who kind of hates you but still wants to like, rage fuck you, because you know how the city is. Came back home and New York was like, ah, get over here, you little bitch. Take it. I was like, thank you, thank you, Manhattan. Thank you. And Manhattan's like, oh, no, no, no, you're gonna live in Flushing and you'll like it. Yes, ma'. Am. And I said, you know, I did the shit, I did the manifesting your power shit that they tell you to do, and I'm still fucking lonely. And you know what's interesting is that there are lots of people who feel great about being single, people who feel self actualized when they're on their own. And I was not one of those people. And it took a lot for me to say to myself, I am happier when I'm with someone. I'm a submissive. I like to submit. I like to do things for people that turns me on, that gets my pussy wet and my nipples hard. Doing for myself only goes so far. But I figured, you know what, at some point you have to be realistic. And so in this shower in December 2013, I had this conversation. And I said, hey, you know what? I've done it. I did the shit. I am going to say, you know what? Fuck this trying to be a sex educator. Fuck all this bullshit. I have many skills. I'm gonna go get myself a nice fat corporate job, rake in six figures, chill out with the sex educating thing. Being a pervert is obviously not that Fucking lucrative for me at this time. I'm just Gonna move on. January 1, 2014. New life starting. Unless. Unless, universe, you happen to send me the perfect dominant. I want the one. I want the one that we all been fantasizing about. I want the one who wants to take care of me. I want the one who sees me. I want the one who doesn't give a shit. No, I want the one who not only doesn't give a shit that I am bossy loud ass bitch. I want the one who thinks that's the hottest fucking shit on the goddamn planet. That's the dominant. I. I want the person who sees me and thinks, holy shit, can I get me some of that? That's the one I need. And I was just playing fuck you with the universe because I knew, A, that person didn't exist, B, they certainly weren't gonna be interested in me, and C, I was not going to find them between now and the end of the year. So I figured that that was a safe bet. And then on OkCupid of all websites, I get a message from someone with the handle Spicy Spirit Love. And I'm like, oh, no, no, no, no. The fuck does that even mean? So I open this profile and they have several strikes against them. Strike one. One, no picture, please. Remember, I have spent years working on adult websites. Adult dating websites. I got my criteria shit on lock. No picture. Some wrong. Strike two, their profile is not completely filled out. I'm going, OkCupid gives you so many opportunities to show off how awesome you are. And you have filled out, like, two things. Strike three, some awkward syntax in their profile. And I'm like, oh, dude, you couldn't, like, use grammar and spell check? Come on. So then I'm like, all right. I open the email and I read the following. Hi, Melina. Wow, your profile is great. Theater sub, unusual spiritual fodder, curvy fat black chick, trembling flower of submission. These were all things in my profile. I am older than you want 60, but I have a strong German Austrian accent. I had indicated that I had a thing for accents. I specifically said British accents. But I'm flexible. I am strongly interested in BDSM with some experience. I am a top and I do not drink any alcohol. I'm a recovering alcoholic, so this is nice. I trust in the definition of Robert Mapplethorpe. SM means sex and magic. I'm like, oh, I am an artist, very successful, Probably a member of the top 10 or 20 in my genre in the world. Crazy. Developing new spaces. Especially interested in the Dark sides of emotions. I would like to tame you. Warm wishes Georg. And I'm like, okay, this explains the syntactic awkwardness. English is his second language. It also explains why he doesn't have a picture up. He has some notoriety, he's trying to be cool. And I'm thinking, okay, the magnificent thing is that he read my profile and responded to shit within my profile. And why motherfuckers don't do this as a default is baffling to me. It's not hard. Read the shit, respond to the shit, get the shit. How fucking hard is that? So I wrote back and I said something flowery and whatever, and I was like, well, you don't have any pictures of yourself, so blah, blah, blah. Within 47 minutes, he had sent me back three of the worst selfies I have ever seen in my life. Everything you don't do in a selfie. Chin from the bottom, hair all fucked up, like, not in focus. And I'm looking at this and saying, if this guy is so into this moment that he just stopped and didn't even give a shit and was like, I'm a send this shitty, shitty selfie. I was like, this guy can get the. So he invites me over to his house. And as crazy as this seems, I'm like, I am a Craigslist veteran. If you give out your home address to someone and I happen to know already shit about you. And I told him, I said, look, I got two lesbians in Queens who will come for you if you fuck with me. And he was like, all right, well yes, yes, I understand. So I went over to his house and I had this moment where I get off the elevator on the top floor of this apartment building overlooking the fucking Hudson. And I look out of the window on one side and I can see the projects where I grew up. And I had to do that thing. And if you grew up here in New York, you know what I'm talking about, where I'm like, don't fall in love with the apartment. And I was like, it's cool. Cause what if he's a jerk? And I'm like, look at that view. Fucking penthouse apartment. And he opens the door and there he is, this like 60 year old white guy with his like mid length blonde hair and his glasses and he's wearing like jeans and a T shirt. I'm like, you couldn't get dressed up, but it's cool. And he'd made me dinner and wasn't that lovely? And we sat and we ate and we chatted and he was asking me all sorts of questions about what it was like growing up in New York. And we were chatting about this and that and the other thing. And of course, the topic of, like, racism and how horrible white people are came up. I like to get that out of the way. If I'm thinking about fucking a white person, I need to know that when I say fuck the man, they are like, yes, fuck us all. Like, that's what I need. And I remember telling him briefly, especially story about, you know, when I was a kid and the first time I experienced racism and some little kid, you know, called me a nigger in the playground. And I look over at him and I'm not even shitting you. He's like, crying. He's like, how could someone do that to a child? How could someone. And I'm like, now I'm kind of turned on because I'm like, oh, he might, like, actually be kind of woke. And that's kind of hot for me.

Kevin Allison (45:51)

So I'm like, okay, it's cool.

Bex Caputo (45:54)

School, whatever. So we're chatting. We're not even through the first fucking course, which is some delightful sushi. And he comes around the table and, like, full on, puts his hand down my blouse and is like, in a move I have come to discover is the wolf style. And I'm sitting there like, okay, fine, it's been a while since I've had any sex. Let's just go ahead and do this. We retire to the bedroom, where he proceeds to eat the pussy like it was a pot of neck bones and he had not seen meat in a year. I am not even kidding you. And everyone's like, oh, that's so great. I'm like, yeah, until you are dehydrated. And you're like, I need some Gatorade, some fucking. Some salt tablets. Like, I was literally like. I didn't even know what to do with myself. Like, my leg was doing that thing where it's twitching. You know what I'm talking about, too, where your leg's just like. And I'm finally just like, after I shit you not, you can ask my friends for hours. I'm like, you need to get up. I literally have my foot on his shoulder. And he's like, you do not like any more. And I'm like, I'd like more, but I'd also like to, A, walk again. B, live. C, not collapse into a pile of brown dust. So we fool around. Everything's amazing. He invites me back the next day, and I'm like, okay, that's cool. Date number two. He says to me, I've been thinking about us having a master slave relationship. I'm like, mm. He said, I have written up an outline for a contract. Mm. Okay, Mr. Like, I've never actually had a master slave relationship. Talking to me, the pervert, like, the executive pervert who has traveled around the world doing this shit professionally. Show me what you got. So he takes out this list and he starts saying, well, I would need you basically to be available to serve me at all times. So then it would be my responsibility to take care of you. I'm like, okay. He's like, I understand you do not have health care. I will take care of that for you. I understand that you might have financial needs. I will make sure that you have a savings account and that we put money away for you every month. I understand that you are involved in the sex community. I will need for you to find partners for us so that we may all have sex together. My work takes me all over the world, so I would need for you to be available to travel anywhere at any time. And I might want to have sex with men too, so you have to be okay with that. And I'm like, can we go back to the healthcare? As crazy as this seems, pretty much within a week of this meeting, I have moved into his house and he was traveling and he was like, here's the keys to my house. Did I mention it's a two bedroom fucking penthouse apartment? And every time I get off the elevator and I look back to the neighborhood where I grew up, the Johnson fucking projects. And the fucking doors open up to the elevator and I'm like, beans don't burn in the kitchen. Took a whole lot of trying just to get up that hill. Now we're up in the big leagues getting our turn it back. Long we live, you and me, baby. Ain't nothing wrong with that. We're moving on up to the east side. We finally got a piece of the pie. And if you had told little black me 40 years ago that you were going to be happy with a collar around your neck that signifies your submission to someone, that you were going to be the most well taken care of by someone who sees you as the most precious and beautiful jewel that has ever walked the earth. If you had told me when I was rejected by people for being too fat, that I would be with someone who not only thought it was okay that I was fat, but who stared at my belly like dinner was on and could not get enough of My body as it is. I would have said, get the fuck out. The thing is that it is so easy for us freaks and perverts and weirdos to feel like we will never find that other person. This. This guy was 60 years old when we first met. And one of the things he always tells people is, don't wait until you are as old as I am to find your true calling and to be who you are. And I say, wait, if that's what it takes, if that's what it takes for you to truly find the person who is for you, fucking do that shit. Because the appreciation and love that we have for each other is worth every minute of every year that we both spent waiting for each other. It's fucking magnificent. And we're both worth it. Sir, I love you so much. And I need to add that I am Melina Lee Williams Haas on Facebook, and really fucking seriously, if you think it might be hot to fuck an old, middle aged, pudgy couple, come and get some of this. HE SPEAKS GERMAN so naughty. Politically incorrect play is in play. And I want to give a big shout out to all of the perverts who are here who share their stories today and everyone who here showing their faces. And let me say, especially a shout out to the perverts of color. Cause I fucking see you and I know how it is to feel like everyone is telling you that, like, this is a white people thing. I'm like, you don't get to deprive me of the good shit. Yes, it's freaky, and yes, it's fucked up, and yes, it is magically delicious. So get your freak on, brothers and sisters. Thank you.

Dixie de La Tour (54:27)

It's time to say thank you. Thank you to podcast producer Matthew Marder, to video engineer Joe Moore, to sound engineer David Grossoff, to On Demand and live streaming producer Ruben Tan. And a special thank you to Rachel Lark of Rachel Lark Music, who has been writing custom songs for me for years. And they just keep getting better. Going to the east coast with her and touring was a dream I've had for years. And it was so amazing to make it come true, not just in Brooklyn, but also in Boston, in Baltimore. And we hope to be traveling together again soon. And while I'm thanking people, thank you again to Kevin Allison of the Risk podcast. It's such a dream to share the stage with Kevin. To podcast producer for Risk, JC Cassis, and to sound engineer for Risk, Jeff Bear. Jeff Bear. Did I say that right? Jeff Bear Baer. Jeff Bear. Oh, my God, I hate people's names up. Thank y'.

Kevin Allison (55:31)

All.

Dixie de La Tour (55:31)

It's been incredible to work with every one of you. I should also let you know that we're about to go on hiatus. This season of podcasting is just about done. Next week will be our last one for a little bit, but we will be back soon. So meanwhile, catch up on back episodes and tell your friends about the Bodi storytelling podcast. We've not been doing it that long, but we're getting an incredible reception and it means so much when you share us with your friends. Thanks for doing that in advance.

Kevin Allison (56:03)

Well, I really didn't see that coming.

Dixie de La Tour (56:06)

Now I see it in a different light.

Bex Caputo (56:09)

In fact, I'm a whole new woman. Stay the fuck down while I chug this spray I'm sick of you pushing my limits and I' ma take it out on your face I'm peeing all.

Dixie de La Tour (56:22)

Over your mustache so tell me how does it taste when I pee on your mouth? Pee on your mouth? So if you want KFC you gotta come to the colonel, motherfucker.