Dixie de La Tour (0:11)

Whoa, hold up. This podcast is adult in nature. The contents are explicit, which means it's just for you. Look around. Grandma might not want to hear this. So put your earbuds in, make sure you're plugged in really well, and let's get going.

Shirley Noem (0:30)

All of my life I've never fit But I won't complain and I won't quit I am enormous. Get used to it. Everyone tells me I'm too much maybe it's just you're not enough for me can't you see I'm the kind of woman I'm supposed to be? Hey, my vagina is eight miles wide. Absolutely everyone can come inside. If you're ever frightened, just run and hide. My vagina is eight miles.

Dixie de La Tour (1:24)

I am sexual folklorist Dixie de La Tour and this is episode 38 of the Bawdy storytelling podcast. Hey, if you're a fan of the concept of a fair and just society, and if you're a fan of great sex, then our story this time is just for you. This one is from Dara M. Wilson. Dara is a writer, a host, a producer, a storyteller. You can find her interviewing up and coming creators of color on Next Big Thing with Courtney and Dara. She's done solo shows like White Gorilla, Red Balloon, or Escaping Squares and Circles. We've had her on stage a couple times. Once at the Punchline here in San Francisco and once at the Verdi Club. This is Dara and Lis.

Dara M. Wilson (2:27)

Oh my gosh. If you're afraid to come to Bodi and tell a story like you shouldn't be, because that is worth it. Just coming on the stage and feeling that love. So great. I'm a big lady. Need a big mic. My story starts in New Orleans. It is my favorite city. I have been there maybe six times. And I love New Orleans so much that even when the girl who I had decided I was no longer going to be friends with said, do you want to come to my birthday party in New Orleans? I was like, yes, girl. Oh my God, I can't wait. I haven't been avoiding you at all. But I know that I'm going to need some backup. So I bring my friend Claudia with me. And Claudia's superpower, besides being a really adorable little brown skinned girl with a fierce ass, short natural haircut, is that she gets along with everybody. And I get tense and uncomfortable in situations with lots of strangers. Not like this, like different other ones that are not like this at all. And so I like to have Claudia there as backup because not only, you know, can she just get along with everybody, but she can also read me. So after two days straight of 15 strange women and men, she says, dara, do you want to get dinner, just the two of us? And I say, yes, absolutely, I want to do that, Claudia. Thank you so much. So we have dinner and at dinner Claudia says, you know, I have this friend Scott. I used to help him out with his problem sets in our math classes in school. And, and I don't know why she's telling me this. Like, this is a selling point. But like, cool problem sets. He just moved to New Orleans, so we should hang out with him. And we say yes. And through text messages, because we're millennials and we're the worst, we decide we're going to get together and have a sophisticated wine and cheese art crawling. Unfortunately, we are not sophisticated people and we timed it all wrong and missed the whole thing. So we had a much more on brand crawl, and that is a bar crawl. So as Scott is taking us to our first destination, I like sort of am taking him in. He looks a little bit like Jesse Williams. Like that doctor from Grey's Anatomy. Mm. Like the same light brown skin, those brown eyes, heavy eyelashes, amazing big beautiful lips. Except like compact because he's like 5 6, which is fine. I was looking at him, I was like, ooh, you look like a snack. Or like, or like a snacklet or whatever it is. Like he looked portable. And I was into that. And immediately I'm looking at him like, uh huh, yeah, that face. I like your face. I want to put your face on my face. Like I want to get close to your face and then put my face on it. So we'll see how that's going to happen throughout the night. So we go to the first bar. It's called Bulldogs. It's like a college bar. The game is on. Every time there's a touchdown, there's free shots all around. It's kind of awkward. Talking about like, man, it's just a real shame that these football are all going to get brain damage as you're drowning your own brain in tequila. But we did it. And I said, oh, Scott, you like football? Is that why you brought us here? And he's like, no, I don't like football. Yeah, it was that awkward. I was like, okay, if I'm going to get my face in his face space, got to do a little bit better than that. So we'll keep working. We go back outside. I'm so happy about what I'm Wearing not only because it's super cute, little black blouse, little black and white skort, which is in right now, and I'm not taking any questions about that, thank you very much. But also because it's hot as balls, because it's New Orleans and it's in September, and you basically have to swim through the humidity from bar to bar. So I appreciate that. Yes, you do. So the next place we go is called Sophie's Place, and it's like a speakeasy with a whole bunch of rooms with different music in each room. And so we have our gimlets and we go to a room with hip hop in it, but you can do that anywhere. So we go to a different room, which is like a really ornate hovel, and it's got a swing band in the corner. Very cramped, like. And so I sat. I swung swing swanged musical theater when I was growing up, and I did the swing dance. And Scott's like, he's not impressed with me, and I'm not particularly impressed with myself. But we're going to keep working on this. So we go to a place with tropical rum drinks. We go to a place with gourmet popcorn. Go to a place where we're taking shots of cracking. And finally, we end up at this place, Jackie's, that has karaoke. This is where I live. This is where I thrive. We put in For Killing Me Softly. We sip our greyhounds while we're waiting. Claudia and I do the song together. This is our song that we do at karaoke. So we're hitting all the harmonies. It sounds amazing. We finish, we drop the mic, and we're out of there. We don't drop the mic, actually, because mics are expensive, and you shouldn't do that. That's, like, not a part of the story, but just like something I like to tell people when I have the chance. Finally, Scott's looking like, oh, like maybe something might be going on here. So he says, I'm going to take you to my neighborhood bar. It's called Everett's. We go in, and it is like the definition of a hole in a wall, which is fine. There's only three people in there other than us. The first is a guy who's at the bar and a little man bun who is like, oh, hey, like, how come I can't say the N word? It's like the worst, right? And I'm like, dude, if the worst thing in your life is that you can't say a single word, your life is okay. And I Don't have time to, like, go into the whole context of institutional oppression and blah, blah, blah. So why don't you take yourself and your little man bun and go away? And Scott's like, oh, so you like to talk about social justice things, huh? I'm like, why yes, Scott. Why yes, I do. And an older woman comes up to me and she is like, you gotta sign this petition for us. Because we used to be able to play music and now we can't play music anymore because all these white people moved in and now they call the cops on us. And Scott's like, oh, hey, this is my friend Judith. You should sign her petition. And I did. And then we went out to a back alley because we both were like, we gotta go to the bathroom. And Scott was like, I'm gonna kiss you now. And he pushed me back against, like, this wet stone. Cause it's New Orleans and it's wet. And he starts to kiss me and it's amazing. And he goes to slide a few fingers underneath my skirt and to feel how wet I am. And he says, oh, is this a skort? I'm not willing to talk about it. Okay. We all decide to go home to Scott's house. He makes us, like, margaritas, which is obviously what we need at this point in the night. I meet his roommate, who is a gorgeous woman who has. She's a public school teacher, and she's, like, really socially conscientious. So I kiss her for a little bit because that kind of stuff really turns me on. And she had tattoos and it was amazing. And I think that's all that's going to happen until we all decide to go to bed. And Scott's at the end of the bed and he has his robe open. And I say, well, come on. And he crawls up onto the bed like that girl in the ring when she comes out of the. And I try really hard not to laugh, but I'm bad at that. So I laughed a little bit. And then he's all over me. He's kissing me, he's sucking on my nipples. He's down sucking on my clit. The come hither, right? And I am so turned on by all of his social justice stuff. Like he was talking about the school to prison pipeline. And I was like, yes, put it in me. I came so hard, so loud, had to put a pillow over my face to stop my 4am screams. And then I pulled him up so that I could have his dick in my mouth because that is all I wanted. I was like, yes, Jackpot. Reward. Come on, come and get this mouth. And he is plunging himself inside of me. And I with every gag and feeling more and more empowered and so happy that I have come to New Orleans again. And finally I shake my head to clear it of all the alcohol because I want to remember every moment of this. And that is the moment that makes him release down my throat and we collapse into loveliness and slumber. And all I want to tell you all is that I have two pieces of advice. Make sure to get yourself to New Orleans and defend the people who need defending, because it's going to get you laid. Thank you.