← Bawdy Storytelling
Bawdy Storytelling
Episode 39: ‘Adventures with Officer Andy’ (Adam Ross)
00:27:51
Adam and his partner find the sexual chemistry fading in their relationship, so they decide to open up their relationship. Adam tries gay online dating, and ends up in bed with handsome, verbal, southern neighbor Football Mike. But when a cop show up...
Loading summary
Transcript17 lines
- [00:12]
Dixie de La Tour
Uh oh. Pause just a second and look around. This podcast is marked explicit, which means it is for adults only. Did you ask everybody at Dungeons and Dragons if they want to listen to dirty stories? Was the answer yes? And is everyone of age? Okay, then let's go.
- [00:32]
Rachel Lark
All of my life I've never fit But I won't complain and I won't quit I am enormous. Get used to it. Everyone tells me I'm too much maybe it's just you're not enough for me can't you see I'm the kind of, kind of woman I'm supposed to be? Hey. My vagina is eight miles wide. Absolutely everyone can come inside. If you're ever frightened, just run and hide. My vagina is eight miles wide.
- [01:26]
Dixie de La Tour
Hi there and welcome to the Bodi Storytelling Podcast. Hi, I'm sexual folklorist Dixie de La Tour, and This is episode 39 of the podcast. Okay, I got a great story for you this time. But before I tell you a story, I'm going to tell you a story. Some stories start this way. Once upon a time. That's not usually how our stories start. Our stories usually start with, so my hand is buried inside an attractive blonde. But this time, I'm going to tell you a story that relates to the art of storytelling. Once upon a time, there was a man who lived in Georgia, and he and his friends would get together on a regular basis. They'd sit out on the porch. It was enclosed in screens, and there would be a hole in the screen and moths could get in, so they'd flutter around the light bulb. This man, George Dawes Greene, and his friends would sit on the porch and swap stories and drink whiskey. And when George Dawes Green decided to become a writer and move to New York City, he missed swapping stories with his friends. And so he decided to get people together to tell their own personal stories. It is like a huge cultural phenomenon. It is high caliber storytelling. He started that in like 1997. And before that, most storytelling that was out there was Rapunzel and Snow White and the Seven Dwarves or solo shows. But he started something different. George Dawes Green was from Georgia, and I'm from Georgia, and the first time we did a show in Los Angeles, the Los Angeles Weekly dubbed our show the Moth for Pervs. George Jaws Green does the moth. Dixie de La Tour does the Moth for Pervs. I'm going somewhere with this. Just hang in there, okay? The storyteller for this episode is Adam Ross. Adam Ross is a political news junkie. He's A former gay rights rabble rouser and he is a three time moth story slam winner. And now he's telling a story on the body storytelling stage. This story is from Adam Ross.
- [03:46]
Rachel Lark
You're gonna feel it.
- [03:48]
Dixie de La Tour
How's the height? Is that okay?
- [03:49]
Adam Ross
A little bit higher. Tiny bit higher.
- [03:50]
Dixie de La Tour
You can adjust it if you need to.
- [03:54]
Adam Ross
Good evening. So I'm laying in bed and I'm drenched in sweat from hours of amazing sex. I'm alone at this point. I reach. There's more. I reach over to grab the water, and as I look up, I notice in the doorway there is an LAPD officer that I was not expecting. So let me rewind a little bit and tell you how we got to this moment. It's 2002, and my partner at the time and I had just decided to open up our relationship because we weren't having sex anymore, but we didn't want to break up. We were still in love. And we were a little bit nervous about having an open relationship. That was still pretty rare among our circle of friends. I mean, they were all cheating on each other, but none of them had an open relationship. It was just something that caused a lot of drama. So we're like, well, we didn't want to kind of end up like that. So we decided to give it a try. And it was a first open relationship for both of us. And so I was a little bit scared. I mean, of course I was excited about the opportunity, but I was also a little bit scared because I just didn't know how that was gonna work out, you know, in our relationship. But, you know, a couple days later, I get online. And, you know, back then, by the way, we did not. I wasn't a bar person. Like, it wasn't really kind of thing for me to meet people online was a great way to do it. And we did not have Tinder, like the song you just heard. We didn't have Tinder and Grindr and Growler and whatever ers there are for apps these days. You know, we just had our plain old computers that you probably had at home connected to a very slow Internet. And we had America Online and we had Craigslist and Manhunt and some other gay ones you might not have heard of. Although I had never heard of the one that you were on. Was it nerve, you said? Yeah, I never heard of that one. So there's apparently a lot out there and go through a lot of strange, weird profiles, pictures. No, no, there's no swiping. I'm just pretending to Swipe, it's the mouse. And eventually I'm in this chat room, and it's called, like, Los Angeles M4M. And I see a profile of a guy there because nobody's chatting. It's actually. You just look at the names of people and then you click on their profile. And then if you like them, you send them a private message. Only the desperate people are chatting in the chat room, and we're not, you know, Anyway, so it says football Mic. Now, I don't particularly like football, but I love the idea of guys who do so immediately, like, I have to know more about Football Mike. And Football Mike, at least according to his profile, he's 6 foot 2. He's about 265 pounds. Says he used to play college football. And he's a couple years younger than me. This. This sounds like a unicorn, right? Like, I have to know more. So I send him a message. It's all text. Like, there's not, like a lot of graphics or anything going on. And we start chatting and, you know, he tells me that he's a top, he's hung, and he's also an open relationship. So this is like double unicorn. And he also lives nearby, about 20 minutes away. So I'm like, okay, well, let's trade pictures. So he sends me a picture, and God damn, he is good looking. He is a good looking man. You know, he looks like kind of like Chris Pratt, but not like thin, trim Guardians of the Galaxy Chris Pratt. He looks like scruffy, husky, you know, Parks and Recreation Chris Pratt. Which is my thing. Which is my thing. That is my jam. So you know what really gets me going, though? Because for all you know, you're gonna get there and it's not the person that you thought it was, or they used a different picture. And you're just supposed to have sex with them anyway, you know, like, that's not gonna happen. So I'm a little worried. But he tells me he likes to talk dirty, and he really likes taking control of a boy. And the thing is, I'm older than him, so I'm not exactly a boy. And up until that point in, I had pretty much been a top when it came to sex. Because even though I loved sex and had a lot of great sex, I always felt like I needed to be in control, even if I'd had some experimental kinky sex. And I attribute that because I had a little bit of a crazy childhood growing up. My family had a lot of complexity at a very young age. I realized that by staying in control of myself or my emotions or situations. Life just felt safer. And so that's just kind of how I grew up. And, you know, he says that he's home that day because his boyfriend's at work and he works nights and he needs somebody to come over and suck his dick. Now I'm at home. This work. This is a work day because I've lost my job. I'd been working in tech, but.com happened and it was a disaster in Los Angeles. And so I'm like, okay, I'm getting in the car and I just rush down the 405 to his house. I'm nervous before he opens the door because, you know, like, you heard earlier, like, they might not be the person that you thought they were going to be, but this is not one of those stories. He opens the door and he is dreamy. Like, my knees kind of buckle a little bit. And he looks exactly the way he described you. He's got like sandy brown hair and this scruffy little beard. What I was not prepared for was that he had this Virginia Southern drawl, like a good old boy. And it was like kryptonite, you know, There was just like nothing I was gonna be able to do to resist that. So he pulls down his sweatpants, like we're barely inside his doorway, and he says, suck my cock, boy. And I did. Like, just immediately, I just. I did. Thank.
- [09:50]
Rachel Lark
You.
- [09:52]
Adam Ross
And we go on to have like two hours of the most mind blowing sex. I mean, I had had good sex before that in my life, great sex and like I said, even sometimes kinky sex. But all of a sudden it's like it had gone from black and white to color. And I didn't even know that there was only black and white before. You know, it was just like, what was I missing, right? And the thing that was doing it was not just that he was actually hung and that he was a top or that he had a 15 minute refractory period before he could go again. All true, but it was the way he talked to me. There was just something about his voice that got into my head, that when he started talking dirty to me and had me talking dirty back to him, it felt real. You know, if I ever played around with that in the past, somebody's like, call me daddy or call me boy, I would do it. But I kind of giggle in my head, you know, because you know that it's not real. But with Mike, it was kind of like he owned me, which was a little bit scary. And I Would do whatever he wanted. The crazy thing is, he loved it, too. I think he loved taking kind of this uptight guy and just breaking me down and making me do whatever he wanted. And I was gonna be like his secret little pig boy. He said. Like I said, it was kryptonite. I just had to. So we decide to start, you know, kind of becoming fuck buddies. And about every week we hook up. And this goes on for a couple weeks. And now there's, like, you know, maybe three, four weeks into it. I am laying in his bed on a hot weekday afternoon. We've just had hours of amazing sex. There's a knock at the door. He goes dance to the door. And I hear him talking. And he's talking to a guy. Sounds like it's friendly. Maybe it's the mailman. The door shuts. He comes back to the room. I look up with my bottle of water. It is not him. It is the lapd. And as. Just as I'm about to get out of bed, I hear, stay where you are, boy. This is my friend Andy, and we're gonna have some fun. Now, this is not like Strippergram Cop. This is an actual cop in his LAPD navy blue uniform, you know, and he's got the Tom Selleck mustache, and he looks like Jon Hamm kinda. And he's got, like, the utility belt and the boots and everything and the shiny badge. And, you know, I'm just like, I don't know if I can do this. Because, you know, just a few weeks ago, I was just this good. I was just this good little boy, you know? And all of a sudden, I'm like this little sex pig. Which was fine with me because it was just our little secret. But this was, like, a little too far. And I'm not prude, but this was just a little too far. And all that happens is Officer Andy starts walking up to me and unzips his pants. And as soon as he does, the voice in my head goes from, can I do this? To, wow, how am I going to do this? Because it is big. I mean, football Mike was big. This was at least an inch longer and as thick as the nightstick hanging on his utility belt. But they say, where there's a will, there's a way. And we were finding a way. I don't exactly remember what was happening next. I'm not. I wasn't, you know, drunk or anything. I was stone cold sober. But it was all a blur. All I remember is that, you know, Football Mike had told me to get on all fours. And Officer Andy had walked up behind me and started fucking me. And it wasn't painful, but it was uncomfortable. And what was getting me through it was Football Mike. He was leaning down in my ear and saying, yeah, you're being a good boy for Daddy. And then he'd, like, stand up and start egging on Officer Andy. And then the both of us just start kind of getting into this rhythm. All of a sudden, I kind of just lost track of everything. And then I hear this jingling, and then I hear this slapping. And I'm feeling like this on my back butt, you know, as he's doing his business. And all of a sudden, I remember he had never taken his pants off. Those are his keys on one side and his gun and his holster on the other. And now I'm just lost, right? Like, I am just out of control lost, and I'm loving it. And we've got this rhythm going, and it gets faster and faster and hotter and hotter. And, you know, Big Mike, Football Mike is talking, and we're just both really getting into it. All of a sudden, bam. Our weapons discharge. And I collapse on the bed. Andy starts zipping up his pants. Officer Andy starts zipping up his pants. And Football Mike, he looks over at me, goes, uh, you may want to wipe that off. And he throws him a towel. So I turn around, and to my horror, Officer Andy's fly and zipper are covered in sperm. And I'm just like, oh, my God, he has to go back to work. But Officer Andy, he doesn't miss a beat. He just takes a towel and wipes it off. And he says, oh, the guys are gonna tease me about this so hard back at the station. I'm like, I thought cops were at the donut shop on their breaks. This is what they're doing, you know? So Officer Andy leaves a few minutes later, and Football Mike climbs back in bed with me. And we start just laughing about what happened. And he says, you know, Officer Andy, they've been fucking for years. He stops by on his lunch break, like, once a month or so. And if Mike's home, they do it, and if he's not, they don't. He had no idea that he was coming that day. So, like, the kind of crazy thing is that, you know, that afternoon was as out of control for Football Mike as it was for me. And that's when I realized something. You know, all that time in life, I spent all this energy always trying to stay in control, you know, to have control. But the result of that was not that I had control. The result was that control had me, and it was killing off the fun and possibilities and magic that could happen in life. And, you know, it's been years since then, and I'm still me, so I still slide back into that, you know, but then I just try to remember the kind of things that I learned from Football Mike about letting go and having a good time. And I'm thankful. I can tell you that. I'm thankful, because there will always be a little bit of Football Mike in me, not to mention Officer Andy. That's the sound of the police. That's the sound of the beast. That's the sound of the police. That's the sound of the beast.
- [17:08]
Dixie de La Tour
So one of our Patreon supporters got on social media and said he can't believe the level of support that Boddy's getting on Patreon. He believes that people should support this podcast so that it can get bigger and better and continue, because it can't continue out of pocket. It needs your help. Patreon is a way to help support the projects you care about and want to see in the world. We're never going to get supported by National Public Radio, y', all, so go to patreon.com body b a w D Y Give whatever you can. It means that this thing keeps going. Thanks in advance for your help. I've had a bunch of people contact me lately wanting body storytelling in their area, and they want to book me to do a show. Do you know you could do that, too, if you'd like to talk to me about bringing body to your area. Or maybe you just want to work on your story on Skype with me. You can book me. I'm Dixie bodystorytelling.com contact me. Let's see if we can work together. You ready for the live song? Well, I'm gonna tell you a story about the live song. We often get together for a live rehearsal before body storytelling. I live in San Francisco, so often we have this great place on the third floor with a view of the entire San Francisco Bay area in the Castro in San Francisco. We get together, we have snacks, we give each other feedback on our stories because so many people have never done this before. You know, the things that help us clean up a story and make it more understandable. Well, in this particular show, we had Sister Flora. Good time of the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence. And Sister Flora is, let's just say, one of my more graphic storytellers. We're all ready to have Rehearsal in the Castro. And it turns out that our usual Castro rehearsal space is not available. So singer songwriter Rachel Lark, who performs with us all the time, said, why don't you guys just do it in my living room? That's A few days before the rehearsal, she had forgotten that she was going to be going to Joshua Tree to perform in a weekend long music festival. And she pretty much rolled up in front of her house right about the time a bunch of people showed up to rehearse for a show two days later. She was exhausted. She hadn't slept the whole weekend. She put her keys in the door, she let us in, she dropped her suitcase and she parked herself off to the side so she could listen to the stories in the show. The last storyteller at the rehearsal was Sister Flora. And you could see the other storytellers looking at each other going, wait, are we supposed to be that dirty? I didn't realize we were supposed to be that dirty. And at that point, Rachel Lark jumped up out of her chair and went, okay, guys, we're done. Get the fuck out of my living room. She hugged me goodbye. And the next day, after she'd had a good 12 hours sleep, she sent me a text that said, hey, I got a brand new song for tonight. She'd been eavesdropping on Sister Flora's story and this song was the result. This song is from Rachel Lark.
- [20:39]
Rachel Lark
All my life I've been searching for a path that allows me to be having a shit ton of fun while disrupting the patriarchy. And last night I heard a story that made my cisgendered heart pound and wish that I had a magnificent cock instead of a furry mound. I wanna be a gay man on the west coast. Well, I can honest, honestly say it would be better that way for most. So let's all be gaming on the west Coast Having orgies together in the nice warm weather with the fanciest leather. Sister Flora will be our host. I wanna be slutty like it's political and funny like it's my job. I wanna be banging nice young men with good hygiene instead of some bro y slob. I wanna be. I wanna be hungry for dick and say so and make everyone laugh with delight. I wanna be sexy as hell and horny as well and quench my appetite. I wanna be a gay man on I can honestly say it would be better that way for most. So let's all be gaming on the west coast Having orgies together in the nice warm weather with the fanciest leather sister Flora will be our host. I wanna be normal for having orgies and radical for having kids. I wanna be edgy for we and sporting massive gorgeous tits. I wanna be tough and strong as fake nails are long and militantly fun. I want to avoid the fate of the boring and straight. And I bet I'm not the only one who wants to be a gay man on the west coast. Oh, I can honestly say it would be better that way for most. So let's all be gay men on the west coast having orgies together in the nice warm weather with the fanciest leather. Sister Flora, Sister Flora, you'll be our host. This doesn't feel like.
- [24:00]
Adam Ross
Well.
- [24:00]
Dixie de La Tour
Hey, Dixie, I really like your podcast, but why would I go to a live body storytelling show? I'm so glad you asked. There are so many reasons. One is that I'm on stage, I wear very low cut dresses and I bounce up and down to get you to applaud for the storytellers. You heard the applause in this show. Yeah. Part of that is boobs. There are a bunch of other reasons. There's friendly faces, people just like you hearing these stories together for the very first time. There's cocktails, there's sexy implements of torture or pleasure because we give out prizes at the live show. And there's Bango, which is bodies patented way to make friends and flirt with strangers. So here's the upcoming shows. You can get all the tickets@bodiestorytelling.com on September 20th. That's coming up really soon. The theme is Metamorphosis. That's in San Francisco at the Verdi Club and then in Seattle a week later on September 27th. The theme is Pax a wallop. Never done that theme before. Getting some really kinky stories pitched for that. So it's gonna be a Great Night. On October 18, the theme is Never say Never in San Francisco. And I'm still taking pictures for that. You could be on stage at Body Storytelling. And finally, back on October 25th in Seattle. The theme for Halloween is Wicked. Wear your costume, make some friends, be a sexy kitty, be a sexy nurse, Be a sexy witch, be a sexy tampon. I've seen that before. Actually, somebody who worked at the Bango table did that one time. So go to bodystorytelling.com, get your tickets to the live show. Remember, it sells out, so do it now. Oh, yeah.
- [25:45]
Rachel Lark
Sexy.
- [25:47]
Dixie de La Tour
This episode is coming out on September 12th, and that means that while you're listening to the sound of my voice, I'm on a plane on my way to the East Coast. I tried to put a show together. I didn't have any luck because the venue thing didn't work out. But I would love to meet you in person. So if you follow Bodi storytelling, social media, you know, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, email, I would love to meet you in person. If there is a gathering that somebody has organized, I will put it out there and we can all have a drink and catch up. Send me an email dixie bodystorytelling.com and I'll let you in on the plans. It's time to acknowledge the people who make this podcast possible. Thank you to Dana Hanna, our project manager, who's helping me organize these years and years of stories. To David Grossoff, my sound engineer who records Body at the live shows. To Joe Moore, our archivist and video person who records for us in San Francisco. Our second most important person to thank is Marty Garcia, who is my podcast producer, who's doing a great job of making me sound a lot better than I used to. And the most important person to thank is you. Thank you for listening. Thank you for subscribing. Thank you for most of all telling your friends. Word of mouth is the best way to let people know about this podcast and how much you like it. So thanks to you, I'm sexual folklorist Dixie Delator. I'll be back really soon with more of the Bodi storytelling podcast. Here's a peek at what's next.
- [27:42]
Adam Ross
It's acid. Like a lot of acid.