Transcript
Dixie de La Tour (0:11)
Uh oh. This episode discusses things that are adult in nature. So that means if you got kids in the room, you better ask them to scoot because we're about to get dirty.
Vagina Character / Performer (0:21)
All of my life I've never fit But I won't complain and I won't quit I am enormous.
Jefferson Berkey (0:32)
Get used to it.
Vagina Character / Performer (0:37)
Everyone tells me I'm too much maybe it's just you're not enough for me can't you see I'm the kind of woman I'm supposed to be? Hey. My vagina is eight miles wide. Absolutely everyone can come inside. If you're ever frightened, just run and hide. My vagina is eight miles.
Dixie de La Tour (1:21)
Hey there. I'm sexual folklorist Dixie de La Tour, and this is episode 42 of the Body storytelling podcast. If you've got a little bit of nerd in you, you know that 42 is the number that symbolizes the answers to life, the universe, and everything. We'll address all that and more in this episode.
Christina Willis (1:41)
Don't forget to bring a towel.
Dixie de La Tour (1:43)
Let me tell you about the storyteller for this week's episode. I was so amazed when we started working on this story. And one of the things that happens when you start coaching somebody on their story and asking these detailed questions is where you start is not where you land. And this was an excellent example of that. This storyteller started by taking my standing O storytelling workshop. And at the end, there was a graduation performance. She soon performed for my bonafide show, which is no holds barred. True stories. And then this was her chance to be on stage at Bonnie. Such an incredible story. Christina Willis is a writer, an educator. She is the mom of two girls and she likes to participate in Spartan races for fun. I watch her on Facebook and go, good lord, I wish I had her energy. She's working on an upcoming book called the Best Divorce Ever. And I think you'll agree with me, she is an amazing storyteller. This story is from Christina Willis.
Christina Willis (3:13)
So there's two things that you should know about masturbation. One is that I invented it when I was 8. Then when I was reeducated about that fact. The second thing you should know is that I am masturbation's number one fan. I mean, doesn't it get you through so much shit? It's like, better than Ambien. It's a coping strategy. It's a way to get your sexual needs satisfied. And that's how I grew up on my own, independently doing that. And so. So there was a point when I rediscovered My love for masturbation at about midlife, when I was a whole bunch of other things that really boxed in my sexual being. And there was no room for that in my life. I was a mom of two kids. I was a teacher full time, and I was going through a divorce that had pretty much for many years, my sex life had been a desert and not the fun burning mankind. So I was interested in a little bit more. And I really just hungered for somebody's hands to be on me in a sexual way. And I looked on Craigslist mostly for things like used couches and selling the baby swing. But two columns over were these personal ads. And I'd read them and I'd masturbated to them vigorously. But through all the dick pics, they start to look the same. It's like, it's a dick, okay? And then I saw one that had no picture, and it really got my mind going. So I'm really lonely at this point. Have no intimacy with another person. And the ad said in the subject line, attractive guy to masturbate together with you. And I thought, okay, this is. And there's no pictures. So we emailed for a week or so and finally found a time to meet. So we met at an empty office building in Santa clara. It was two stories, kind of like 70s paint, brown, orange. I was optimistic. So I took my underwear off in the car. I was wearing a black skirt. And at the same time, I'm really skipping because none of my mom friends, I mean, we drink Pino and eat hummus. None of them, none of them would have thought that I was the Craigslist woman. And so I'm knocking on the door at this office building, and at the same time I'm thinking, oh, my God, I'm going to turn away. And then you hear the doorknob click and it opens and there is this guy. And there were two things about him. And you'll get to know him a lot better by the end of the story. So I'll give him a name. His name's Eric. There were two things about him that really just melted away all my nerves. And one was he was wearing this really sensible, kind of like deep plum colored Patagonia fleece. And I thought, you know, axe murderers don't look like that, rapists don't look like that. The other thing I noticed was that he had the most beautiful mouth. These big full lips that were framing perfect white teeth. And he was smiling so big at me. And later I come to find out this Was like the smile of a kindred spirit. But we'll get to that later. So he ushers me in and we talk a bit and decide, okay, let's do this, let's get down to business. And the office is empty. He had just shut down one company and was off to the next corporate adventure. The so in the middle of the office was a plaid sleeping bag, a space heater and an open jar of coconut oil. So we're like, okay. So I get down in my standard position, normally alone. My legs are spread a la ob GYN appointment and I dab the coconut and I'm going, I'm like, okay, circles up and down, a little finger inside. This is great. Now the whole time I'm doing this, he's been busy getting completely naked. And the next thing I see is this beautiful framed picture. Like his amazing swimmer's body, tan downy haired torso, close cropped hair and blue green eyes and big smile framed right between my thighs. But we're not touching at all. That was the deal. We're not touching. So we're like orgasm for orgasm. We're like three orgasms in. I'm like, oh my God. Multiple comer. This is great. Didn't know this could happen. And wonderful. And I'm masturbating furiously and it's so much fun to like have this beautiful male form to look at. And he's nice. And then I'm headed toward another one and he says, your pussy is so beautiful. I'm like, what the fuck? Like nobody's ever said this to me. Like, are you kidding? And so I say, I just needed a little leverage. So I say, can I put my feet on your knees? And he's like, yes, you can. So I do. And this electric current just shoots through me. And I look at him and he's like, I can tell he's feeling it too. And I knew two things after this first meeting. One, that I was actually the number two fan of masturbation. And I also knew that this could really be the start of something good. You know, all the other pieces of life were there. This was efficient. It was multi orgasmic. We were on the same page. We emailed more. We never talked on the phone. We never traded sexy pictures. We emailed a lot, like hundreds of pages. And through the process I found out that he and I were both sort of like the tiggers in our previous marriages. And we both sort of married Eeyores. And we were like, oh, you know, tiggers should not marry. Or as Tiggers should marry tiggers. And, you know, we were developing this sort of like collegiality mixed with sex. We did have sex. We met about, I don't know, half a dozen times in about three months. Things were going really well. Lots of promise. And then this happened. I got a phone call. It's my dad who moved from Fresno, California to Silverton, Oregon at about the same time that his wife, my stepmom, was coping with dementia, Alzheimer's. My dad had been arrested for drunk and disorderly conduct. My stepmom had wandered away from the house in this small Oregon town. My dad was drunk, called the cops. They came. He wouldn't let them in, but he did tell them that he had a loaded gun in the house. The cops eventually went in. It looked like a bad episode of Hoarders. And I get the call from my dad the next day. I need you to come help me. I'm an only child, collegial, but not close with the ex husband. So I'm really feeling totally alone, except for the guy I'm emailing. So I email him and I say, can I give you my phone number? And within five minutes, Eric is calling me and I explain the situation and he says, let's turn this into a road trip. So his little silver Audi with the mountain bike pulls up in front of my house and I've arranged for childcare. And for the next 10 days I'm like, okay, this is gonna be shitty, but I'm gonna have a lot of sex. So we head on up. And on the way, I'm like bent over at a creek bed washing my hands and my skirt's up in the back and ooh, there's a dick. It'. We get to Ashland and we stay in this beautiful little like Airbnb that's all art deco, mid century. So sore from all the sex the night before. It's morning and I'm like, okay, I'm so sore. Like, oh, I know anal. So the greatest thing is one, coconut oil and two, the shape of his cock turned my butt into a second pussy. It was amazing. I had always endured anal before, but this was like vagina orgasm sex, but in a place that wasn't sore. So we get up there, he drops me off, I deal with all the dad stuff and it's pretty miserable. My dad used to be this sort of ginger haired Viking guy and now he's slump shouldered and, you know, saggy from all the alcohol and he's given my stepmom this crazy pixie. Haircut and her brown eyes are vacant with dementia. And all she can say is, you know, I'm so glad we moved to Oregon because the kids up here don't cuss like they do in California. And she repeats that like a hundred times. So it's a miserable two days. Eric has gone mountain biking. It's miserable. My phone's ringing all day. I'm cleaning out my dad's house, my mouse turds and cobwebs and all kinds of shit. And then finally there's a knock at the door. I hear this familiar voice. It's Eric. He's come back early and he comes in and he's charming my dad, who by the way, didn't know that I had gotten divorced, didn't even know that I was seeing somebody. So we weren't super close. He's charming my dad. They're going to the store and they are buying this amazing meal to cook for my stepmom. It's wonderful. That night we have amazing sex. And my Eric and I in our pushed together twin beds in the guest room. And it's slow and it's close. And on the way home all I can think is, you know, I never expected this from Craigslist. And I never even knew that this is what I needed to find somebody who didn't even need me to tell him what I needed, but just anticipated and volunteered with terrific enthusiasm.