Bawdy Storytelling, Episode 47: ‘Butthole to the Lord’ (Matt Lieb)

Released: November 8, 2018
Host: Dixie De La Tour | Main Storyteller: Matt Lieb

Episode Overview

In this raunchy, unapologetic, and hilarious episode from Bawdy Storytelling—the “Moth for pervs”—comedian Matt Lieb takes the stage at San Francisco Sketchfest with an unabashed coming-of-age(ish) tale about the holy grail of youthful sexual exploration: autofellatio, aka sucking his own dick. Matt’s candid storytelling, laced with both humor and unexpected reflection, makes for a gleefully awkward romp through adolescence, self-discovery, and the creative heights (and depths) of masturbation. Host Dixie De La Tour sets the scene and brings context for this unique “flexible” achievement, and following Matt’s tale, shares further sex-positive anecdotes and listener engagement.

Key Discussion Points and Insights

Celebration of Sex-Positive, Honest Storytelling

• Dixie introduces the podcast’s roots: real sexual stories told live, not sanitized or rehearsed (“…honest-to-badness story time with true sexcapades and poignant, hilarious, transformational tales at each and every show.” [01:01])
• Sets tone: adult, explicit, but inclusive and liberatory.

Introducing Matt Lieb (03:25)

• Extensive comedy résumé and connection to the Bay Area stand-up scene.
• Described as “a whole bunch of other stuff…used to live in San Francisco, where I live, where he was named one of the best comedians of the Bay Area.” [01:01]

Matt Lieb’s Story: The Quest for Autofellatio

The Universality of Masturbation and Orgasm

• Matt begins by riffing on the shared, awkward truths of teenage masturbation:

  • “Let’s talk about orgasms. You guys enjoy orgasms? Me too. Love it.” [03:25–03:32]

• Jealousy of Female Orgasms:

  • “I am jealous of female orgasms…I feel like female orgasms are like…a painting…male orgasm is the most basic thing in the world…when a woman comes…it was like a Mondrian composition during his Blue Period. And when men come, it’s just like a Garfield cartoon…it’s just like, ‘I hate Mondays.’” [04:45–05:20]

Cataloguing Creative Adolescent Masturbation

• Matt shares a candid—and comedic—list of household objects he’s used for masturbation (banana peels, hot dog buns, turkey basters, Barbie dolls, bagels—“provided my own schmear,” etc.) [05:40–07:00]
• Memorable digression: Attempt on a Big Mouth Billy Bass singing novelty fish toy (“I did not rape a fish…this was a robotic singing fish…you would press it and its mouth would move…drop me in the— I never learned the second verse because I fucked it in the mouth.” [07:03–07:37])

The “Holy Grail”: Sucking His Own Dick

• “But that’s not what tonight’s story is about. No, tonight’s story is about the holy grail of masturbation. My mouth. Autofellatio. I’m going to tell you about the time that I successfully sucked my own dick.” [07:40–08:00]

• On Universal Male Curiosity:

  • “Every single dude in here, down to the last man, has tried to suck their own dick. It is impossible not to. Do not judge us, ladies.” [08:10–08:23]

Rigorous, Almost Heroic Practice

• Matt frames his mission as both adolescent inevitability and spiritual quest:

  • “It’s about, you know, the triumph of the human spirit and the flexibility of the human spine.” [08:35]
  • “I spent a year of training, like Rocky. But a really sad Rocky.” [09:04]

• Emphasizes his self-imposed outsider status as a short, chubby seventh grader—vision of autofellatio as escape from the pressures of dating or growing up. [09:25–09:55]

• Yoga as Masturbatory Training

  • “I learned about this thing that my mom did called yoga, which is a very magical, spiritual thing. It is also basically training for sucking your own dick.” [10:35]
  • Discovers “halasana,” the plow pose—“your butthole basically just facing the ceiling, all right? You know, eye to the Lord.” [11:10]

• Persistent trial-and-error over a school year, using gravity and flexibility, until perfection is achieved at last. [11:10–11:45]

The Triumphant (but Complicated) Moment

• Vivid description of finally achieving his goal:

  • “I got into the position, you know, butthole to the Lord, and immediately my dick just flopped right there. And this was a scary moment because…I can suck this dick.” [12:05–12:35]

• Honest reflection about crossing the line into new sexual territory and self-doubt:

  • “Am I crossing some sort of line here, a barrier? …I decide I’m not doing this for me. I’m doing this for God. I’m doing this for science.” [12:35–12:50]

• Punchline, Unexpected Self-Discovery:

  • “As someone who has successfully sucked his own cock before, what they don’t tell you is that it feels less like having your dick sucked and more like just sucking some dude’s dick, which for me just made me even more horny. And I came immediately in my own mouth and—well, I’m now kind of attracted to dicks.” [13:05–13:32]

Audience Reactions: Laughter, applause, palpable sense of “I can’t believe this just happened” camaraderie.

Host (Dixie de La Tour)’s Follow-Up

Dixie’s Commentary on Autofellatio (17:12+)

• Confirmation that Matt’s story isn’t unique—she knows a “few” men who can perform autofellatio.

• Tells a behind-the-scenes tale from Camp John Waters, referencing a bisexual man (“Kevin”) who can autofellate (and does so "forward" rather than "backflip" style)—emphasizing that there are “multiple ways.” [18:00–20:19]

• Memorable moment: Kevin’s erotic, comedic dirty talk—“God, you smell like my friend’s apartment. Isn’t that hot?” [19:25]

• Expresses a desire to share an audio recording of Kevin’s performance (pending permission), underscoring the show’s ethos of curiosity and learning.

Highlighted Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On male vs. female orgasm:
  “When men come, it’s just like a Garfield cartoon...it's just like, 'I hate Mondays.' That’s how we come.” – Matt Lieb [05:15]

• On autoerotic exploration:
  “As a man, you’re just like, if it’s got a hole, I’m a fuck it.” – Matt Lieb [06:00]

• The universal quest:
  “Every dude in here has tried to suck their own dick, by the way...It’s impossible not to.” – Matt Lieb [08:12]

• On flexibility and triumph:
  “It’s about, you know, the triumph of the human spirit and the flexibility of the human spine.” – Matt Lieb [08:35]

• Pivotal moment (successful autofellatio):
  “I got into the position, you know, butthole to the Lord, and immediately my dick just flopped right there...I have to think…am I really doing this?”
  – Matt Lieb [12:05]

  “I’m not doing this for me. I’m doing this for God. I’m doing this for science.”
  – Matt Lieb [12:50]

  “It feels less like having your dick sucked and more like just sucking some dude’s dick, which for me just made me even more horny. And I came immediately in my own mouth...”
  – Matt Lieb [13:17]

• Dixie’s sex-positive wrap-up:
  “Wasn’t that an amazing story? So, I’m not sure about you, but I’ve known quite a few guys who could suck their own dick...while I’m not really sure that’s how you win a blowjob contest, but I humored him.”
  – Dixie de La Tour [17:37, 18:07]

Important Timestamps

• [03:25] — Matt Lieb begins his story; focus on first orgasms.
• [05:40] — Matt lists unusual masturbation exploits.
• [08:10] — The quest for autofellatio starts in earnest.
• [10:35] — Discovery of yoga as a tool for self-sucking.
• [12:05] — Climactic moment: “butthole to the Lord.”
• [13:17] — Realization: “less like having your dick sucked…more like just sucking some dude’s dick…came immediately in my own mouth…kind of attracted to dicks.”
• [17:12] — Dixie’s reflective segment on autofellatio.
• [19:25] — Epic dirty-talk moment: “You smell like my friend’s apartment.”
• [25:24] — Play-out: “Enormous Penis” by Da Vinci’s Notebook (thematic musical choice).

Episode Tone & Style

• Unfiltered, humorous, self-deprecating storytelling.
• Open celebration of diverse sexual journeys—awkwardness included.
• Dixie’s hosting is warm, inclusive, and just as explicit as needed.
• Overall, invites laughter, empathy, and a sense of shared secret history.

Takeaways

• Masturbation, sexual curiosity, and even strange personal “milestones” are more universal—and more laugh-out-loud funny—than most people admit.
• Kids (and adults) will go to ridiculous lengths in pursuit of pleasure…sometimes with unexpected results.
• There’s wisdom in honesty, and humor in the raw mechanics of self-discovery.
• Flexible? There might be more than one way to achieve “butthole to the Lord”—just ask around.

“It’s about… the triumph of the human spirit and the flexibility of the human spine.”
—Matt Lieb [08:35]