Claire Weber (5:01)

He looked like the kind of guy that was going to ruin my life. He looked like the kind of guy that was going to ask to not use a condom. And then you go, okay. He looked like the kind of guy that the next morning he was gonna steal all of the drugs out of your prescription cabinet. But, like, not even the fun ones. Like your lipitor. Like, he was just gonna take it. Like, he looks like the kind of guy that, like, thought blue balls was a thing, but, like, he was so hot he could get away with it. Oh, yeah. But here's the thing. I was looking in a mirror and this guy was me. Hi, my name's Claire and I have incredibly severe add. I went to the Evergreen State College and. Oh, boy. How many of y' all graduated? I got a BA in bs. Like, no. I took classes in botany, pottery, and parties, like, effectively. I just went to parties at Evergreen. That was my thing. And like, you guys know Evergreen. It's just like a bunch of art kids in a school with no grades thrown into the woods. Like, we party. But I have the kind of ADD that I got bored going to parties, so I had to make my own fun. Yeah, Kegger in the woods. Mm. Mm. It's a masquerade. Ball now. Oh, going away party for an old friend. Guess what? It's toga night. Nice night in. Drinking wine with the girls, strip poker ladies. Like, I get bored. And, like, eventually, my kind of boredom, I would get so bored that I got bored making my own fun. So I had to up the ante. So I lied to my friends. I told them that I was going to stay in. I didn't say I was going to study, because they know I'd be lying. So I said I was going to watch Fight Club and do gravity bongs out of my dorm window. Cause I did that. But my good friend Chelsea, she almost called my bluff. Because Chelsea knew me. She lived in the dorm above me. We had a class together called Living in the Sacred Garden. And hoo, boy, do I wish I could live in Chelsea's garden. Because God damn, she was like that artistic girl, the one that you can obtain, but she'd do little things like kiss the back of your neck while you're dancing. Chelsea, God, she looked like. She looked like a Rothko painting made into a girl with double A tits. Like, Chelsea, her mom was Korean and her dad was the 2008 Armani collection. Like, and Chelsea, her boyfriend. Her boyfriend Luke, he was just gorgeous. He was this tall, lanky, blonde hair down to here. He looked like a DJ who sold coke. Sorry. He was a DJ that sold coke. But the hardest thing about my friendship with Chelsea is that she was way smarter than me and she wouldn't sell with me. Cause, like, I'd already. She was smart, though. Like, I'd already made a reputation. Like, my first day of college, I was like, I'm gonna sleep with everyone on my dorm floor. And I didn't. Like, I don't make good choices. And Chelsea did. Fuck her. Sorry. But eventually, like, I started doing my gravity bong out of the window. So my friends knew I was staying in. So they started making their way out. And I decided it was time to enact my plan. And like all great plans, it started with me trimming off a piece of hair and gluing it to my face. Cause I was gonna be a boy tonight. Oh, boy. Yeah. I brushed out my eyebrows and made them real thick. I contoured my face and glowered into the mirror. And I started feeling like a bad little man. Like, I'd already stolen a whole bunch of clothes from the laundry room. So I had. So I had a selection of men's outfits to try on. So, like, the button up. I looked too dorky, didn't like it. The big sugg T shirt. Mm mm. On me. I was swimming in it. But that tight little muscle T in my own black skinny jeans. Ooh. Ooh. I looked like an emo boy. Like, I looked like a guy that catfished girls on MySpace. I looked like somebody that broke my heart in middle school. School. And I named him Leo. And Leo needed a cock. So I went through my typical stuff. I rolled up some socks. I wasn't feeling that. I tried filling a condom with water. Not a good idea. Mm mm. No, sir. Standard dildo. That's not comfortable and it doesn't look real. But like I said, I have really severe add, so I had a wide selection of squishy, fidgety toys to kind of peruse through. And then my eye settled on. I think you'd call it a. A water wiggly. One of those things that slide through your hands. And I shoved it down my pants and I went to a party. Leo caught the eye of a girl. When I walked into this party, it was like a post apocalyptic Leave it to Beaver kind of situation. Like only teenage delinquents survive. There was a keg bisectional. And I made eye contact with this young lady and I said, hey, can I buy you a drink? And she goes, no, there's a keg. But then she touched my arm and I said, hey, want to get a beer? She said, no, let's dance. And we got on the dance floor, and almost immediately, she moved my hands up her skirt to toy with the elast on her panties. Holy shit, Leo's hot. But then I saw Chelsea and Luke dancing. And she made eye contact with me and I made eye contact with her and her eyes got real wide, so I moved my way over to her and her boyfriend Luke moved behind me and I slid a leg between her legs and she leaned in and said, hey, what's your name? And then she pulled back and winked and I said, it's Leo. And she winked back. And Luke started grinding on me and I started grinding on them. And if you guys are a couple that have threesomes, they had the conversation like, you know, that conversation, the. And she said, hey, Leah, want to get out of here? And I said, yeah. We started making our way back to the dorm, and we pass my dorm and start moving up the stairs to get to her floor. And we pause. She's standing on a stair above me and Luke's standing below me. And I turn and I grab Luke's face and I mash it into my crotch. And Chelsea says, that's a nice cock you have there. And I say, yeah, I got it at the $stor. We make it back to our dorm room and three people is too many for a twin bed so we are a sprawling making out mass on the floor. She hikes up her jean skirt and God damn it, like the good evergreen girl she is. It's just full, beautiful silky bush. God no. Just like the Sargasso Sea, just dripping wet black depths. And Luke is sitting there next to her with his fat pale cock just jerking off and I dive right in and I wish I had a cock like guys, I wish I had a cock in this moment. But like I make do with my palm against her and she's moaning and I'm nibbling her cunt and just digging in and she says, I can't wait to tell Claire about this shit. Chelsea reaches to undo my fly and in this moment I've got my hand in her cunt and Luke is just mashing his beautiful penis against his hand and she undoes my fly and I want my erection to spring out and my water wiggly falls with a fat wet splat on the floor, just glitter bobbing and we're all laughing but Chelsea keeps pulling down my pants and says, claire's gonna hear about this. And I did.

Sam (16:48)

If I had a penis I'd wear it outside in cafes and car lots with pump and with pride. If I had a penis I'd pamper it proper I'd stay in the tub and use me as the stopper. If I had a penis I'd take it to parties stretch it and stroke it and shove it at Smarties I'd take it to pet shows and teach it to stay. I'd stuff it in turkeys on Thanksgiving Day.

Claire Weber (17:14)

We have never asserted that a water snake toy is a sex toy.

Marty Garcia (17:21)

I really want one.

Claire Weber (17:22)

Yeah, Water Wiggle.

Dixie de La Tour (17:40)

If you've been listening to this podcast for a while, you know that meeting people face to face is my most favorite thing. So I'm going to tell you about some upcoming live body storytelling shows and a chance for us to meet face to face on Wednesday, November 14th. Hey, if you're listening to the episode as it comes out, that's pretty much today. I am doing a collaboration show with the Risk Podcast in Brooklyn. Kevin, Allison and I love to do these shows. We only get to do them once, maybe twice a year at best. And it's been over a year since I've been in Brooklyn, so go to the website. Tickets are at risk-show.com and if they're sold out online, there's a chance there may be some sold at the door. Tickets are selling really fast, so I'm not sure where we are with tickets, but I'd love to have you at this show on December 6th in Seattle at the Rebar Seattle. The theme of the night is naughty bits and you can pitch me dixiebodystorytelling.com I'm still taking story pitches for that one. I'm also taking story pitches for in San Francisco on December 13th. San Francisco's theme for December is happy endings. So that's so much holiday. Maybe you have a holiday story. Maybe you have a thing for Santa. I kind of have a thing for Santa. Any of those things would apply. Or just stories that have naughty bits or happy endings. Lots of territory there. Send me your story pitch by recording yourself. Voice memo on your phone works great. Just tell it to me, don't freak out. And then upload it and send it to dixieaudistorytelling.com I want to hear your voice. I want to get a feel for you. I want to work with you and coach you to get you on stage. It will change your life whether you're sitting in the audience or whether you're up on the stage. You can get tickets@bawdistorytelling.com and I hope to see you at a live show soon. So today my podcast producer Marty and I were talking about Claire's story and about how much we admire her sense of adventure and daring do and he said that he thought that this song was an interesting pairing with her story. This song is from Suzanne Vega and Claire. If you're listening, this one's for you.

Suzanne Vega (20:21)

I never thought to wonder why.

Claire Weber (20:25)

If.

Suzanne Vega (20:25)

I could pull this off would I know for certain the real situation behind the curtain? So beautiful the damsel in distress. Not exactly natural. Stunning non loveless what happened to you to make you more a girl than girls are? Would you ever show it out cuz you're so good so far you make a really good girl his girls go, his girls go his girls go. These girls go, these girls go. Let's chronicle the dark side of life. Did you ever keep the date with the steel side of the knife? Doesn't matter to me which side of the line you happen to be at any given time. You make a really good girl his girls go. You make a really good girl his girls go.

Sam (22:49)

Sam.

Dixie de La Tour (23:25)

It'S time to thank the team that makes these podcast episodes possible to David Grossoff, our sound engineer, Joe Moore, our video person and archivist Dana Hanna, our project manager, Marty Garcia, my podcast producer, and I'd like to thank you for taking the time to listen, for telling your friends about the Body Storytelling Podcast, for subscribing, for rating, for reviewing us. I'd love to read your reviews. I'm sexual folklorist Dixie de La Tour, and I'll be back really soon with the next episode of the Bodi Storytelling Podcast. Here's a peek at what's next.

Marty Garcia (24:04)

I hear Orgy Dome is really strict about single guys. How many guys can one woman bring? And Kim just laughs and says, I dare them to tell me that I can't handle three guys at once.