Jamie Brickos (24:03)
One yummy Saturday afternoon. It was the first hot day of summer and I had nothing to do except the possibility of sex with a new stranger. So I go out for a stroll and I think, you know, I'm gonna do a little daytime drinking to start things off. And I go into my bar of choice at that time, the works. This was on the Upper west side. That bar is long gone. It has been replaced by a children's clothing store. That's just about right for the Upper west side these days. So I walk into the bar. From the glare of the sunny day into that dark cave. And there's the cool hum of air conditioning. And as my eyes become adjusted to the gloom, to my delight, I see there are a few delightful possibilities scattered about. But I choose to sit at the bar next to an impossibility. That is a guy who's super hot and out of my league. He looks like a pint sized George Clooney, the way George Clooney would have looked in those days. So he's younger, he's hotter he's on that TV show er. But even better for me, and much hotter for me is that he looked like my old college pal Chris. And Chris, everybody wanted to sleep with Chris. And he was a good friend of mine. And I was so mad that I never did seal the deal with him, even when I had the chance once. But I thought, no, I don't want to mess up our friendship. That was back in the days when I still had morals. Now, I, even in my youth, was never hot. I was cute. But I had a lot of sex, and I could seal the deal most of the time because of my willingness and my enthusiasm. I was like a cabaret performer who doesn't really sing, but he can sell a song through personality. So I order my drink. Beefeater gin martini, up dry with a twist. Impossible. Next to me has already got his Rolling Rock beer. And he's, you know, olive complexion, just starting to tan. And he has a navy blue Izod and khaki shorts. And I'm in shorts. And I get my martini and I take my first long, deep sip, and I look over my glass at him. And then he mirrors me and pulls on the neck of his beer as he takes a swig. And then we start the banter. Hey. What's up? How are you? My name's Jamie. What's your name? Oh, I'm Brian. What are you up to? Oh, nothing much. Just looking for some fun. What kind of fun? Um, sex. I told you, I'm enthusiastic. And as I say that, I give my martini a rim job. I go over. I go over it with my index finger like this, and then his knee starts to press into my bare knee. And he says, well, what kind of sex? What are you into? And I said, well, I don't know. I just like sex. And, you know, I live just two blocks from here. Now, convenience is another factor if you want to seal the deal. Because I'm telling you right now, if there's a guy next to you who's hotter than you, but you live two blocks away and he lives in another borough, you're gonna win. So he says, oh, yeah, just two blocks, huh? And I said, yeah. And he says, well, what are you into? I said, you know, I just like to have a good time. And he said, well, like, what's your wildest fantasy? Now, I've never been into kink. It's not something I seek out. However, I am a people pleaser. I'm compliant. So, you know, if you want me to fistfuck you, I'll Fist fuck you. Which I did. I've done it multiple times, but the first time I did it was when I was in college, and I picked up this guy at a bar. And then we're having sex in the back seat of my car, and he asked me to stick a couple of fingers up there. And then two fingers became three, fingers became four became a whole fist. And I almost lost my high school class ring. And I made the mistake, during a game of Truth or Dare, of telling my friends about this, which forever earned me the nickname puppet man. So. And if you want me to pee on you, I'll pee on you. Just don't pee on me, okay? Kevin will talk later. And in fact, I'll even can my piss, if that's what you want. When I came out of a sex club in San Francisco, blow buddies and I had my fun. So I go up to the clothes check guy and I hand him my ticket, and he's drinking an o' doules beer. I said, oh, you know, hold on, I'll be right back. I've got a pee. He smiles, he says, really bad. I said, yeah. And he chugs the rest of that o', doules, and he hands me the can. Do me a favor, buddy, pee into that. So I did, and he drank it. I told you, I'm a people pleaser. And if you want me to be a wayward runaway teenage boy to your priest, Father Ritter, I'm your guy. That was a game that my common law husband Michael and I used to play in our early relationship. And now, before you get icked out about the whole priest teenage thing, you know, the whole fun of role play is to do something forbidden that might even be illegal in the real world. But we were consenting adults, and we usually played it while taking. Taking a bath together. And he would say, hey, kid, it must feel good to have a nice hot bath after hitchhiking those highways for all that time. And I'd say, yeah, it sure does, Father. It feels real good. And that feels good, too. And then we get out of the bathtub and we'd have our own hot sex. So I turned back to my new friend Brian, and I said, well, you asked the question, so I'll bet you have a fantasy in mind. He says, yeah, I do. I said, all right, come on, give it up. He says, well, growing up, my best friend was Jimmy. Well, little Jimmy, everybody called him that because his daddy was Big Jimmy. And we lived down the street from each other, and we used to play at each other's. Houses. And we would just, you know, we would walk in and we'd never knock on the door and. Because that's how close we were. And I always had a big crush on him. And I don't know if little Jimmy felt the same way or even knew it, but when I was in junior high, one afternoon I go over to his house and I walk through the back kitchen door like I normally did. And I, I said hello to little Jimmy's mom and she says hi. And I says, little Jimmy home? And she says, yeah, he's upstairs in his bedroom. Go on up. I says, thanks, and I go upstairs and I'm like, yeah. And his door is shut, but it's just cracked open. Uh huh. And I push open the door. Yeah. And there's little Jimmy. What's he doing now when Brian is telling me this? He's not looking at me, he's looking just past me and his eyes are glazed over and he's almost in a trance. And I have to tell you, it's turning me on, watching him getting turned on by this old childhood memory. And even though he's not looking at me, he's pressing that bare knee harder into mine. I said, so, go on. So there's little Jimmy, and he's on the bed. What's he doing? Well, his bare butt is in the air and his pants and his underwear are tangled up around his ankles and he's humping his pillow. Oh, that's hot. So I stood there for a second and then I said, little Jimmy. And he turned around and he looked over his left shoulder at me and he was beet red. And he said, hey, buddy, you caught me. And I said, yeah, I did, little Jimmy. Then what'd you do? Well, then I walked up to the front of the bed and I think I'm pretty hard. And I said, yeah, I'm pretty hard right now too. And I got on top of the bed in my knees, and little Jimmy reached over to my groin. I said, that's pretty hot. I said, so do you want to replay that little story? He says, yeah, man, are you up for it? I said, yeah. I said, now let me guess, I'm little Jimmy, right? He said, yeah. I said, well, all right. I said, give me a five minute head start. I'll run back to my apartment. And by the way, you're in luck because I live in a duplex, so my bedroom is a flight up, so you're gonna get to walk up the stairs. So it's gonna be even that Much more real. It's gonna be authentic. So I give him my address and I gulp down the rest of that martini and I sprint those two blocks to my apartment faster than Jesse Owens. And I live in a five floor walk up and I run up those stairs two stairs at a time. And I am so pumped on the adrenaline of anticipation, my heart is beating faster than Thumper, the rabbit's hind foot. And I get into my apartment and I race upstairs to the bedroom and I unmake the bed and I put the humping pillow in place. And then I go downstairs and I wait by the buzzer. And while I'm waiting, I'm anticipating how we're gonna play out the whole little Jimmy thing and what his cock might be like. And then I'm thinking I'm finally gonna get to have sex with College Chris with his doppelganger. And there was a time when I. There was one afternoon with College Chris when we were freshmen, when we almost did it. We were studying for some sex and ethics course and we veered off into a tangent about our first time. And then we just locked eyes and we held the moment for a few seconds and we smiled. And all I had to do was get off my bed and walk to him where he was sitting in the desk chair. And we would have done it. But idiot that I am, I broke the moment and I said, I don't think we ought to. We're too good of friends. And I've regretted it ever since, but I'm finally going to get him through Brian. So I'm standing there and I'm waiting and I'm waiting and I'm waiting and I'm like, he's not coming. He just played me for a fool. Or worse, a hotter guy saddled up into the bar next to him after I left, who lives a block closer? And then the buzzer. Oh, thank God. I buzz him in without saying anything. And then I run upstairs and I get on the bed and I push down my shorts and my underwear and I tangle them up real nice around my ankles. And then I start humping the pillow. But I've really never been a pillow humper. It just doesn't work for me. So I kind of cheat and I lie on my back and I get myself all excited and ready that way until I. I hear him open the door downstairs. And then I go back to the pillow and I'm humping that pillow and I'm looking at my headboard, my head's going in and out, in and out. Like this. And I hear him open the door and shut the door. And then I hear him say hello to little Jimmy's mother. And then I hear him ask if little Jimmy is at home. And then I hear him say, okay, thanks, I'll go on up. And as my head is going in and out, looking at the headboard, I'm thinking, wow, he really knows this story, verbatim. And he is playing it down to the last inch. And then I hear him coming up the stairs slowly, one step at a time. And with each step, I'm getting harder. And then he reaches the top of the stairs and he pushes open the door. And after a couple of seconds, I hear little Jimmy. And I look over my shoulder, almost in slow motion, and I know my face is beet red, not from embarrassment, but from that Martini and racing those two blocks and running up those five flights of stairs. And I look at him and I say, oh, buddy, you caught me. And he says, yeah, I did. And then he walks up to the bed, and he gets onto the bed with his tenting crotch, and he's on the bed on his knees, and I reach over and I start to unzip his shorts, and he kind of pulls back, and then I go further and I unzip the shorts, and there are his tighty whities. And I pull out his beautiful fat cock. And I want to say, hold the bond, mustard on the side. And then I do a head lunge towards his groin. And then he stands up off the bed, and I'm like, but, but. And then he pulls up his pants and his underpants, and then he stuffs that kielbasa that's quickly becoming a Vienna sausage into his tighty whities. And he zips up his shorts. And I said, hey, what are you doing? And he said, thanks, buddy, that was great. And I said, but wait, aren't we going to make our own fantasy now? And he said, no, that was it. You did a good job. That was it. I don't say that. I think that because I'm so. I'm in shock. And he leaves. And I am lying on the bed, draped over the humping pillow like a deflated balloon. And I hear him go down the stairs, and I hear him open and close the door. He doesn't bother to say goodbye to little Jimmy's mother, which I think is rude. And then I'm thinking, this guy is in a rut. You know, I had been patting myself on the back that maybe I was hotter than I think because I landed this guy. But it didn't matter if I looked like Brad Pitt or Steve Buscemi. It was all about willing to play the game, do the story. And then I wonder if there are other Little Jimmy victims like me out there and I want to find them and start a support group. And I wanted to say, what about my fantasy? I wanted College Chris. But then of course, I didn't tell him that's what I wanted. I didn't negotiate beforehand. If I had been smart, I would have said, you know what? I'll trade you a little Jimmy for a College Chris. So now these days, of course, I'm on the apps. I mean, it's the only way to get laid. And I don't drink anymore. So the idea of hanging out at a bar and nursing an odule is not appealing to me for many reasons. But those apps, they tell you a lot. But I don't think there's one category on there that says needs to relive childhood fantasy over and over and over. So what do I want? Well, let's just start with tonight, besides rapturous applause from you people.
