Kristen Peramonte (3:39)
So I start with a question. Has anyone here ever felt past their expiration date? So Luba saunters out onto the stage, and she kind of reminds me of the woman in My Big Fat Greek Wedding, except for she's in her late 50s, maybe early 60s, and she's not typically beautiful, yet she commands that stage. And I am front row center because, hi, I'm a nerd and I'm always front row center. And I'm in a sea of 200 people in a ballroom. And her first instruction to us is, okay, everybody, hello. Great, great, you look great. Okay, everybody, I want everybody to stand up and I want you to walk around the room as if you have a cock as big as the entire room. Okay, go. And there's 200 people kind of walking like. She's like, great, great. Yes, of course, it touches one end of the room to the other. You're doing great. Great. So we walk around like that for maybe a minute, and she says, you're doing great, you're doing great. Okay, now I want you to walk around the room as if your pussy is as big as the entire universe. Yes. It can take everything. Yes, yes. Go, walk. And we're all like, oh, great, great. You're doing great. You're doing great. Okay, now I want you to walk around the room as if every person here wants to have sex with you right now. Yes. Everyone desires you. Go. And I notice how my own body language completely changes. And I am standing taller than my five foot one frame, and I'm leading with my breasts. But I'm wondering, maybe I'm leading with my breasts because one of her other instructions was, I want you to imagine flames shooting out of your nipples. And I'm feeling hot. And I'm not quite sure if it's the fire or if all of a sudden, holy shit, I do feel like everyone in the room wants to have sex with me. So it's the weekend of my 50th birthday, this labor Day, and if you would have told me I was going to a tantra immersion festival, I would have told you you were out of your fucking mind. But here was the thing. I was turning 50 and feeling past my expiration date, and I can tell you I was feeling anything but hot and anything but sexy and anything but desirable and it was a very last minute invitation. The festival started on a Friday. Thursday night. My friend Ben texts me and says, did you know about Interview Fusion Festival? They've got a Tantra Tracked. Yeah, it's all weekend. Do you want to go? And I was like, fuck yeah, I want to go. I have no idea what's going to happen. I have no idea what I'm signing up for. But I know I'm going to have a story at the end of it. So no matter what happens, it's all going to be okay. So I'm not a total prude, but I will tell you, I'm a late bloomer. I did not feel pretty until I turned 40. I did not discover myself completely. I mean, I'd had sex before that, but I didn't have that, like, mind blowing. Holy shit. Oh my God. I can't believe my body could feel like this sex until I was 41. And I, fresh out of my divorce, decided to go on a cruise all by myself and have the best week of my life. And one of our ports of call was Belize. And the historical instructor took a shine to me and he said, can I have your email? And I said, you can have my email. And then we emailed all summer and he said, you know, I know your birthday is coming up in September and I want to rock your world. Will you come back to Belize for your birthday? And I was like, yeah. And so I went back and I was, I was actually, this was right before 40, I was 38. And we're having sex all over the hotel room, like against the window so people could see us and on the bed and on the floor. And then finally he says, listen, I hope this doesn't matter or anything, but I thought it might be important to tell you how old I am. And I was like, oh, God, I'm not sure where this is going. He goes, I am but 20. And I said, I'm a little older than that. So Fast forward to 41. I moved to New York City and I was like a kid in a candy store. I discovered couch surfing. I don't know if you know about that, but okay, it's not supposed to be a dating website, but man, when chemistry happens, chemistry happens. And sometimes we called it crotch surfing. I'm sorry, but it's true. And there was Alberto and there was Leonardo. Somehow they all had these exotic names, Pasquale and Mena. And it was wonderful. And then Fast forward, my 48th birthday was at Burning Man. And I met this beautiful younger man, Shiner and he introduced me to shibari, the Japanese art of rope tying. Oh, my God. To have those knots corseted, tied upon you, and then to be shoved up against the wall and you can't move your hands. And so whatever they want to do. Finger you, lick you. Yes, please. And it was incredible in discovering. But the best part was when he would slide that safety shears up through the rope and slowly set me free. And then I got to tie him up. Yeah, but I digress. Anyway, you know, those moments just take you back. But. So there I am. So here's the thing. I'd only really discovered my sexuality and those kinds of adventures in my 40s. And to be completely transparent, the first time I had an orgasm from penetration, I was 48, and holy shit, I was turning 50. And I was thinking, oh, my God, is this all there is? Like, is that it? I get that one decade and then, boom, the door closes. Shit. No, please. And so I find myself at the Tantra weekend. And so the next instruction she gives us is. Okay, great. Everyone, everyone, that was beautiful. And now listen, I'm going to turn on some music, and I would like you to dance with yourselves. No touching anyone else yet. That's advanced. We start with turn the music on and dance however freedom you feel. And if you like to touch yourself. Yes, yes. And so I close my eyes and the music is on. And I'm pulling my hands through my hair and I'm touching my breasts and I'm going down my hips and into my thighs and I'm touching my pussy and it feels good in my back. And I notice I'm getting wet, and I'm like, is this okay? I'm not sure, but damn, it feels good. And everyone's eyes are closed, so who cares? And I'm in a sea of 200 people, and we're all doing this together, and I feel totally free about it, and it feels okay. She's like, great, great. That was great. Now find a partner. We get to find a partner. So we're milling around the room, and I see him all the way across the room, this compact body, and he's got a shaved head. And I don't know what it is about him, but I want to partner with him. And it turns out he's making eye contact with me, too. And so I saunter over and I'm like, you want to part? Yeah. So the great part is we have no idea what we're going to be asked to do, But I feel so comfortable, and I Feel so freaking confident. I don't even care what the instruction is. Yeah, sign me up. Let's do it. So we sit across from each other, knee to knee. And she says, right. So the person with the shorter hair, we start to giggle because his head is shaved. You can only say two things. All you can say is, what do you want? And the other person, you get to say what you want. Go. And so he says, what do you want? And I say, to be touched. And he says, and, oh, God. To be adored. What do you want? I want to be loved. And what do you want? I want to be. I want to be devoured, and I want to be penetrated. And. And it went on for two minutes, and it felt so good to just say all that stuff, to say what I wanted. And then. And then I got to ask, what do you want? And what do you want? And I'm thinking, oh, my God, I want that too. Oh, yeah, me too. Oh, God, can we do this now? Me do this now? But, you know, touching was advanced. So then she leads us into another activity, and she's got this drum beat playing, and she says, listen, I want you all to close your eyes, and I want you to shake it out. Shake it out. Shake all the shit out. Shake all the trauma out. Shake all the people who hurt you. Just shake it out. Shake it out. Get rid of all the crap from the past, because you're here now. The past is the past. And so we're shaking, and my eyes are closed. And at first I feel kind of like a dork, but I'm gonna go with it anyway because everything else is working out. And so I'm shaking. I'm sh. And then all of a sudden, holy crap. I feel this anger bubble up inside me. And I'm stomping the floor, and I'm shaking, and the sea of 200 other people, all of a sudden, there's these primal screams coming out, and people are shaking, and I'm shaking. And then I get really pissed off because a memory bubbles up of being sexually molested at age 4. And I'm thinking, fuck you for taking that away from me. My innocence. Fuck you. And I'm so mad. And all of a sudden, I'm screaming, too. But it doesn't feel unsafe. It feels so good. It feels like this release. And I'm getting rid of all that crap. And I feel powerful, and I feel so in control, and I feel great. And. And then I'm crying because I figure out, oh, my God, those poor guys who touched me what must have happened to them that they touched a 4 year old? Like, holy shit. Maybe they were abused too. And all the screaming. And then she says, great, everyone, you're doing great. And she puts on Sounds of the ocean and asks us all to lie down on the floor. And we're lying down on the floor and the ocean waves are washing over. And she talks us through being washed completely clean. And that's all released from you. You're here now. You are here.
