Transcript
Dixie de La Tour (0:01)
Spring's here, but are you still feeling a chill? Warm up with Kama Sutra's Kissable Oil of Love. Not a massage oil or a lubricant, but a delicious and exciting way to savor your partner. Use its elegant dropper to anoint their erogenous zones and then lightly blow on the oil for a gentle warming sensation. Follow with kisses. And now you're enjoying any of those six sweet flavors too. Is it getting hot in here? More on Kama Sutra and some big savings later on in the podcast.
Poet or Performer (0:42)
All of my life I've never fit But I won't complain and I won't quit I am enormous get used to it Tells me I'm too much maybe it's just you're not enough for me can't you see I'm the kind of woman I'm supposed to be.
Chorus or Backup Vocalist (1:13)
Hey, my.
Poet or Performer (1:14)
Vagina is eight miles wide. Absolutely everyone can come inside. If you're ever frightened, just run and hide. My vagina is 8 miles.
Chorus or Backup Vocalist (1:32)
Why.
Dixie de La Tour (1:38)
I am sexual folklorist Dixie de La Tour and you are listening to the Bawdi Storytelling Podcast and when you come back later and you try and remember which one was the one that had that crazy good thing that happened in that weird place. That one. This One is episode 70. You ready to hear a story? This storyteller told very recently at Bawdy Storytelling in Seattle. He identifies as a nihilistic hedonist, which may be why he's been the subject of one of the stories chosen at Best of Body in Seattle recently. He's been a co conspirator in many of the stories from the Seattle perv and kink community that we've had shared on our stage. But this was the first time he got on stage himself to tell a story. This storyteller is Shawn silverman.
Shawn Silverman (2:50)
On my 28th birthday, I came home to find that my ex had packed most of her things and left me a birthday present in a steel case. And when I opened the steel clasps on it, I found one of those beaded stainless steel rods for shoving up your ass. We'd been together for over seven years when she decided that she couldn't really live her truth in a hetero performative relationship any longer and couldn't really be anything other than monogamous. And she didn't really think that I could deal with not having kinkier sex for much longer. So when she left, I had a long list of things that I'd been wanting to try and one of the things people tell you when you end a long relationship that you didn't necessarily want to end is that you should do all the things that you couldn't do because you were with that person. Like rearrange the furniture and make fried chicken, make the whole house smell like fryer grease and have random guys over from Craigslist. I really wish she'd figured it out before we'd signed all the mortgage paperwork, though. We just bought a house in Rockville, Maryland, which is a town best known for the R.E.M song Don't Go Back to Rockville. Now, at the time, I think this was before Grindr, or right at the leading edge of Grindr. And I still think that at the time, it was the best way to get random guys, or Craigslist was the best way to get random guys over. And I know Dixie really likes it, but I'd always been more comfortable on OkCupid. And so pretty quickly afterwards, I opened a new account. It had changed a lot since. Since my ex and I met there. It was mostly a personality quiz site. I don't know if you guys remember that far back. And so I answered a few questions about my Marxist feminist politics and what kind of kinks I wanted to try. And pretty quickly. This algorithm was 99% sure that I'd enjoy the company of a flapper philosopher. And her essays had me pretty interested. She opened with I like Israelis and then she listed a bunch of other nationalities, but she listed mine first. And I'm already into this kind of fetishization. She was clearly into books and good ones. She listed my favorite Asimov that very few people have heard of, and a lot of my favorite classics. I looked up the F. Scott Fitzgerald story she was punning about and her username, and it was pretty good. She was into some pretty serious board games. Not like Twilight Imperium Serious, but, you know, enough that we could like hang out. And in her favorite foods, she gave me a really good opening. She said that she loved tzabich, which is a kind of fried eggplant in a pita you can get in Israel. So I asked where she had it and if she wanted a local source and a few messages back and forth. And I met Nikki for drinks. She was tall and had like long dirty blonde hair in a low ponytail and was wearing these blue rectangle rim glasses and a very low cut dress with very large tits. And a few drinks in, she wanted to go to a park and she showed me a statue of Dante Alighieri and I asked if she wanted to make out so we started dating pretty quickly. I found out that Nikki is what's called in the kink scene masochist. She had scars on her back from a flesh hook suspension and pictures on her fet life of needle play. She was one of those people who ask you to hit them when you were fucking them. And when you didn't hit her hard enough, she would ask if you had something to hit her with. And so, you know, she taught me a lot about risk aware, consensual kink. Which is not a thing I'd ever heard of. I'd always heard that the kinky folks were into a safe, sane and consensual. And some of Nicky's fantasies were like breaking bones and getting shot through with arrows. It's a natural escalation of needle play. She took me to my first kink happy hour. And it was clear that if we stayed together there would be a lot more kink events in my future. And we ran through a lot of my firsts. One day, coming home from the subway to my house, she had me pull her into a park, like a little wooded area. And I pushed her down on her knees and she gave me a job next to this bubbling creek. She had a great time. The. The pictures of her knees covered in forest detritus are still on her fetlife. She was the first person to finger my ass while blowing me. She was the. Yeah, she was the first person I ever hit with an implement. She. One day she brought rope over to my house and instructed me in tying her up. And that was fun. But then one day she found my packing Saran wrap and instructed me in mummifying her. She was also into degradation. She had me write mean things about her with markers and also with the Wartenberg wheel. So, you know, we had a really good time. But eventually we realized that if I was going to be doming all the time, this just wasn't going to last. And she drew on her years of experience subbing to go through some more excellent firsts. She was the first person to fuck my face with a strap on. She was the first person to tie me up. And one day I. One day she came over, I was pre tied up and she tied a piece of rope to my hair. I had a long ponytail at the time and the other end of the rope to an anal hook. And the rope was just a little too short so that whenever my butt wasn't getting fucked too hard, my neck hurt. And I'd recommend that to literally anyone. Like grow your, grow your Hair out or whatever you need to do. One day she fucked me in the ass so hard that I complained about it. And so she measured the strap on and measured my dick and declared herself the butt sex champion. But pretty much everything we were doing that was new to me was old hat to Nikki. But one day I had this idea. So it was like after dark on a cold day in November when she came over and I blindfolded her at my door and tied her wrists together and threw her in the backseat of my car. And I drove around for a little while, in part because I thought it would be fun and in part because I genuinely had never driven where we were going. I got a little lost, pulled into. I eventually found it. I pulled into a parking space. I pulled her out of the car and put my phone in flashlight mode and started walking around. And honestly, it's a miracle she didn't trip over something. We were walking around in, like, circles because I just couldn't find this thing. And I'd read an article in the post or DCist or something, and the GPS on my phone said that it was here somewhere and there it was. And I pushed Nikki down to her knees on a cold granite slab. And when she heard me unzip, she was ecstatic and she was like. And I was like, oh, what do you want? And she said, your dick in my mouth, Please. And I said, are you sure? I can't really tell. And she said, please, please fuck my face. And I was like, okay. So I pulled my dick out and let her lips to it and she immediately tried to deep throat me. And then she started bobbing up and down, but it was cold and she was, like, slobbering, and it was dripping down to my balls and it was, like, cold and windy and wet. So, like, after a few minutes of this, I was like, hey, so do you want to know where we are? And she nodded with, like, you know, my dick in her mouth.