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Bawdy Storytelling
Episode 71: ‘Russian Furry’ (The Ceiling Cat Prophet)
00:34:11
This week, Bawdy gets #Anthropomorphic: When first time storyteller The Ceiling Cat Prophet learns that her son is a Furry, she’s not thrilled - but at least he’s not a Gay Republican. Wanting to make sure that her teenage son isn’t exposed to...
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- [00:02]
Dixie de La Tour
The episode you're about to listen to is adult in nature. It's explicit, it's graphic. We're gonna say the word butthole probably more than once. So please make sure there's nobody within ears reach that is gonna hear it, that is not ready and should not hear it. We're grown ups here because I just said butthole a lot of times. But also consent, consent, consent, consent.
- [00:26]
Ceiling Cat Prophet
Thanks. All of my life I've never fit.
- [00:40]
Ylvis (performer of 'What Does the Fox Say?')
But I won't complain and I won't quit I am enormous. Get used to it. Everyone tells me I'm too much maybe.
- [00:56]
Ceiling Cat Prophet
It'S just you're not not enough for.
- [00:59]
Ylvis (performer of 'What Does the Fox Say?')
Me can't you see I'm the kind of woman I'm supposed to be? Hey, my vagina is eight miles wide. Absolutely everyone can come inside. If you're ever frightened, just run and hide. My vagina is eight miles.
- [01:22]
Ceiling Cat Prophet
Why.
- [01:31]
Dixie de La Tour
Hi there. I am sexual folklorist Dixie de La Tour, and you're listening to episode 71 of the Body Storytelling podcast. How's your week going? I hope it's great. Mine is going so good this week. We have a story that just went up on stage and I loved it so much that I wanted to share it with you right away. I think you're gonna be happy this week. Pretty fucking happy this week. Because the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence, who are this order of queer and trans nuns, drag nuns who operate all over the world but originated here in San Francisco, held their 40th anniversary Easter in the park celebration this week. I have some friends who do a reweding every year. It's a flash mob wedding to celebrate their anniversary every single year. That's how much they love each other. And each year they ask a different friend to officiate the ceremony. About a year ago, I was requested to officiate a ceremony. They picked the theme. The theme was religious figures and they said, nobody gets to be the Pope but Dixie. Well, I didn't want to be the Pope. I don't like white and the Pope wears a very high collar. And if you know me, that's not me. So my talented friend Alexis said, why don't we make you the Virgin de Guadalupe, except your version. So she made me this incredible headpiece that had fake rays of light coming out of my head with a crown and a super low cut Virgin Mary outfit. Just like the whole thing was so beautiful. I officiated the wedding and I've had that outfit sitting in my closet ever since. Last year for the Easter contest, they were holding it in Golden Gate park, which is a huge park and not the usual location. My Lyft driver got lost. I am decked out in this outfit that is really hard to get into a lift in, I can tell you that. And the Lyft driver got lost. I showed up two minutes late, and I missed the contest. I stomped around Golden Gate park dressed like the Virgin Mary with most of my tits hanging out, and I was so unhappy that I was bound and determined I was going to enter this year and I was going to win this year. And back in Dolores Park, I had the lift pick me up, had my outfit. I showed up just in time, hung out backstage with a lot of the Sisters. I'm friends with a good number of the Sisters, got to see some incredible outfits, and there were a lot of. Of Foxy Marys entered this year. So Easter in the park for the Sisters consists of the Foxy Mary contest, which is the foxy Virgin Mary, the hunky Jesus contest, and the 12 packs on those Jesuses will just blow your mind. And their Easter bonnet contest is for everyone, and it's insane. So I'm standing in line with 15 or 20 Foxy Marys, and I'm talking to a few of them, and I'm like, so I'm intent on winning this contest, y'.
- [04:46]
Ylvis (performer of 'What Does the Fox Say?')
All.
- [04:47]
Dixie de La Tour
So I'm Motorboat Mary because I'm rocking the tits. So I just want you to know, if you beat me up there, is everybody down for me motorboating you, throwing you down on the stage and motorboating you in that sore loser kind of way? And they all kind of looked at me with a big smile on their face and went, you know, yeah, yeah, you could do that. I'm like, well, you're supposed to be a little unhappy about it. They're like, no, yeah, you can. You could do it now. Do you want to do it now? Do you want. So I had to motorboat some people backstage. I got up on stage, I took the vajenkle with me because, I don't know, it felt like, you know, some people have a lucky rabbit's foot. I have a lucky silicone foot with a vagina in the ankle. I guess was offering people shots out of it since nothing's ever happened to that foot. It's a virgin foot. And I got up on stage, and they asked me a few questions. There was a tie between me and Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary had the most incredible outfit, and she was the one I was most worried about. She had a giant balloon that looked like an olive on her head. She had tied around her neck. She was wearing a beautiful red dress. Tied around her neck was a bottle of hot sauce, a bottle of something else, a bottle of vodka, and she was waving a celery stalk. It was a really smart costume, but they finally announced me as the winner and gave me a beautiful framed plaque and I was euphoric. For the rest of the day I hung out with all the freaks in San Francisco. We had a picnic. We caught up. There were massive after parties going on our Easter. Easter is a big thing in San Francisco for the fre, but I came home and focused on bringing you a podcast this week and I hope you like the story. Thanks for letting me ramble a little bit at the beginning, but I really wanted to win Foxy Mary this year. I'm kinda over the moon that I finally won this and got to celebrate the sisters their huge 40th anniversary. Fuck yeah. Do you wish you had more energy for the things that you're passionate about? Do you find that your busy schedule doesn't allow much time for regular workouts or trips to the gym? Well, that's why I joined Open Fit. Openfit takes all the complexity out of Getting Fit. It's a brand new super simple streaming service that allows you to work out from the comfort of your living room in as little as 10 minutes a day. I stay really busy and always seem to be on the go, so downloading the OpenFit app was perfect for me. I can use it on my phone, tablet as well as my home tv. I love their Extend Barre program. It's a mix of cardio, Pilates and dance fundamentals and it makes me feel taller somehow. And their yoga 52 is rockin my world. My partner Bent even checked out the app recently and it's reignited his interest in doing the Tough Mudder event. And right now during the Open Fit 30 day challenge, my listeners get a special extended 30 day free trial membership to OpenFit. When they text body to 3030 30, you'll get full access to Open Fit and all of the workouts and nutrition information totally free. Again, just text B A W d y to 303030 and start using Open Fit for a journey to a healthier life. Let's talk about this week's story. So I was so excited about this story and the audience was so excited about this story that I talked to Marty, my podcast producer and asked if we could put it up right away. Just happened y'. All, and this story stood out in an incredible show. Thursday we did the theme, Gateway Drug. And one of the stories that I was pitched was furry related. As you know, I'm a big fan of the furries. I celebrate everybody's kink and everybody's, you know, self expression. But there's something about furries, the work that goes into it, the colors, the fur, it just makes me so happy. I get messages before the show from people saying, how do you feel about furries showing up in their fursona for this show? And I was like, well, you're gonna be hot. We're having a little bit of a heat wave, but yes, please. I think we had more furries at this show than we ever have before. In fact, at the end of the show, I asked everybody to kind of hold it because I always have all the performers get on stage to take a final bow together. And that's often when the standing ovations happen. I mean, you'll get them during your story, but there's this huge standing ovation for the entire show and all the performers on stage together. But I asked everybody to hold on just one minute. And I asked all the furries to get up on stage so that we could all see their amazing costumes and get a photo. There were so many furries. I was so happy. You can probably see it on my face in the photo. I'll make sure to post it for you. Our story this week is from someone who has come to support their partner at Bodi. When they've told a couple of times now. This was the first time they've pitched me and I don't wanna, I don't wanna objectify anybody, but the accent. Just when I listened to the voice memo and heard the initial pitch for the story, I kind of fell in love a little bit. This storyteller was doing this for the very first time. And this is the ceiling cat prop.
- [10:42]
Ceiling Cat Prophet
Hello, I'm the ceiling cat prophet. I'm in a sling and there is a raccoon at my feet. He's six feet tall. He's tying up my legs and once in a while I feel his gray soft fur brushing against my feet. There is a saber toothed cat on my left. He's so beautiful. His eyes are glowing green, has those large 2 inch incisors and his giant claws. He's dragging them across my naked skin because he has a fetish for humans. And he's dragging those claws from my neck to my belly to my inner thighs. And I feel a little bit scared. They're so sharp. What if he scratches me, but he never does. He's as graceful as a cat. And then Spartacus says, well, would you like to watch yourself while Raccoon and I fuck you? I say, yes, I would. There is a giant mirror right above the sling and a saber toothed cat says, very well then, I will blindfold you. And I think, fucking animals every time they torture me like this. How did I end up in here with two furries having sex? Well, it happened a while before that when my 15 year old son Anton came out to us. He said, mom, I'm gay. And. And I said, I know you've been decorating, garnishing your scrambled eggs with Parsley since age 3. You make croissettes out of beets for salads. And I don't know any 15 year old boy who loves opera as much as you do. You're constantly listening to the Magic Flute. And Anton looks at me, well, actually, I want to come out about something else as well, but I don't feel safe. I was like, what the fuck? What do you mean you don't feel safe? In my ultra liberal, Buddhist, polyamorous, burning man going household. And he looks at me with indignation only an American teenager can produce when I looking at their Russian immigrant mother, Mama, he said, you make fun of those people. And I break into cold sweat and my heart drops. You know, it's the worst nightmare of any mother in the Bay Area. Are you a gay Republican? No, mother, I am not. The other people you make fun of. Oh my God. It is God's punishment.
- [13:43]
Ylvis (performer of 'What Does the Fox Say?')
You are a furry.
- [13:47]
Ceiling Cat Prophet
And he looks at me, well, I knew, I knew you would react exactly like that. And I do the right thing as a parent. I want to support him. Son, I will support you in that. I will learn about your people. People, animals. I can even get you one of those costumes. And Anton answers, well, you can start by calling it a fursuit. It's not a costume, it's offensive. And if you can take me to the Furries in the Wild next week, that would be great. And he goes to his room. So next week I end up at the Furries in the Wild, which is a lovely family friendly picnic for furries that happens in Oakland every September. We come. It's nice. I see an adorable family, two raccoons and a baby skunk. I question, how does it work exactly? Two raccoons and a baby skunk. But they love people. And Anton walks and, you know, mingles with other wolves. And I retreat to lay under the apple tree. I Open my Kindle. And I read the new English translation of Master and Margarita book by Bulgakov. I'm about to get to my favorite. Oh, yeah, you know that I'm about to get to my favorite chapter where Satan's cat, beautiful tuxedo cat, is talking to Margarita about love. And suddenly I hear, excuse me, you look kind of bored. I turn around and there is this giant saber tooth cat. And you know, talking cat in the Russian novel is awesome, but talking cat right here. It's obviously furry. One of them perverts. I don't know, like, what do I do? So I choose politeness. Please sit down. Yes, I am bored. My son is a furry. I'm not. I'm just sitting, visiting. And the saber toothed cat says, I am Spartacus Cheetah. And we Talk for next 30 minutes. And I discovered how much we have in common. We both of Russian Jewish descent, we work in health care, we swap hospital stories. And then I mentioned that I have a son called Nate and we live in Mando Park. And Spartacus Cheetah becomes very exciting. His tail is practically going like this. Oh, my God, Nate and you live in Menlo Park. Did he ever mention Brent? I was like, yeah, it's his best friend. Brent is my son. Let's be friends. So Spartacus comes to our house and we have dinner together. Usually he comes in human form and we really get to know each other. We become good friends. And by January, Anton says, I would like to go to Furracon for the confusion. It's one of the biggest furry convention and the oldest one in the United States. And my husband and I say, okay, but we'll have to take you. We don't know much about those conventions. And Anton is indignant. I can't be seen with you. We're like, you won't be. We just let you do whatever it is you do and we'll pretend we're not your parents. And plus, young wolf, you don't have a driver license. So we go to Furracon. And I'm immediately impressed with furries and the registration process because Anton, my young wolf, gets a red bracelet so he can't see any adult content. My husband and I, we get green bracelets. We gonna see everything. So we wander around, we watch the furry yoga. It's adorable. And in the middle of the day is a fursuit parade. And there are furries and the blue neon suits and the green ones. And there are dogs and prairie dogs and bears, an occasional turtle and a cow, but mainly of course, wolves and tigers and so on. And I realized something. I have a preference. There are fursuits I really like. I like very hyper realistic fursuits. Like the sabertooth cat, the beige with the white chest and the glowing eyes. Or, you know, great elegant gray and black wolves. Or the amazing fox. I see he's wearing a vintage suit and boots, and his head and his snout looks exactly like a foxwood. And I wonder what's up with that. And we go to a trade show floor and we wander around and then we start looking at the erotic art and there's a lot of it. And because we have green bracelets, we can look at it. And I feel tingling. What is that tingling? Why are the pictures of two anthropomorphic foxes fucking in the meadow turn me on? All of a sudden I am not a furry. What's going on? And then I see more pictures and there is a threesome between wolves. And on the next page, a tiger is joining them. And the tingling increases. And then I look around and I am in human form. And I want to be culturally sensitive. I want to blend in. So I buy cat ears. I mean, what could go wrong? Those are just cat ears. So we pick up Anton, who is like, well, I hope you learned something. You know, furry fandom is not just about sex. I'm like, yeah, sure, okay. And after that, I get to know Spotty a little bit more. We become friends, and eventually we become lovers. And that's how I ended up in that sling. And I'm blindfolded and the voices are very muffled because of course, there is a saber tooth cat and a raccoon. And I'm wet with excitement. I can't see anything, but I can feel the relay. The raccoon fucking me really hard. And I am just dying to come. I am so ready. When the saber toothed cat says, would you like to be fucked like a dog? Like I would. But I'm spread eagled and blindfolded, so I don't see how. Oh, no, no, you misunderstood. Not in the doggy position. Like a dog with a dog dildo. I have. I have that flashback to a biology class in Soviet Union. I remember that dog penis has nuts on it. In case you don't know, it does. And I'm wondering, well, how's it gonna go in and out? I'm scared, but not scared enough to say no, because I'm really ready to come hard and so I can't see anything, but I can feel it. The nuts are going in slowly and Then out and in and out. And my excitement is building up and I start screaming in Russian. And then I start screaming like an animal in a language I didn't know I knew before. And I have the most wildest orgasm ever. And then I started going to Frolics with Relay and Spotty to dance. Frolic is a dance event for furries that happens every first Saturday at the Eagle Club. And to me, this is really a revelation. It's remarkable. You see, I can have sex in front of you on stage. I have done it before. I go to play parties. I like to be watched while I'm having sex. I hate being watched. When I dance in human form, I feel like the other, that clumsy woman, how much I hate dancing. I didn't dance at either of my wedding. That's how uncomfortable it is for me. Yeah. Part of what I discovered at the Frolic, while I'm wearing this, I can dance. I can dance whole night long if I want to. And one night, I am dancing with Spotty and Relay. And Relay says, wow. Ceiling Cat, you're an awesome dancer. I would like to copy some of your moves. And I'm almost in tears. But I don't cry in public. I'm Russian, so I'm almost in tears because I never thought I would be able to dance the night away, that somebody would actually admire how I dance. And, you know, Anton was right. Furry fandom is not all about sex. And my gates to furry fandom was my desire to be a supportive parent. And the little kitty ears, Right? I see some of you wearing them. I made fun of furries for years because they were the others. I didn't know any furries. I mean, I knew them from the media. That's about it. But things changed for me. Now I have a son I love who is a furry. I have lovers and friends who are furries. I dance with furries. I have a fur suit my sweet husband gave me for our anniversary. And I realized that sometime, to find yourself, you have to become the other. And the truth is, there is no others. I had to put on a fur suit to find the dancing human in myself.
- [24:21]
Ylvis (performer of 'What Does the Fox Say?')
Dog goes woof. Cat goes meow. Bird goes tweet and mouse goes squeak. Cow goes moo. Frog goes croak and the elephant goes toot. Ducks, they quack and fish go blow and the seal goes ow, ow, ow. But there's one sound that no one knows. What does the fox say? What the fuck say? What the say? What the fox say then. Blue eyes, pointy nose, Chasing mice and digging holes Tiny paws up the hill Suddenly you're standing still your fur is red so beautiful like an angel in disguise but if you meet a friendly host where you communicate by how will you speak to that? What does the frog say? What the fox? What the foxy? What the fox say? What does the fox say? The secret of the fox Ancient mysteries Mystery Somewhere deep in the wood I know you're hiding what is your sound? Will we ever know? Will always be a mystery what do you think you're my God Hiding in the world.
- [27:40]
Dixie de La Tour
That was Yalvis with what does the fox say? Did you know that supporting us on Patreon means that you can get even more body? That's right. When we hit our goal of $2,000, we are going to start producing bigger, better episodes. There's a lot of costs incurred when you produce a podcast and we've been going out of pocket for a long time. We want to give you even more of the stories that we've been collecting for over 12 years and you can make that possible. Please go to P A t r e o-n.com bawdy b a w D Y and give at whatever level. You can ask your friends to give too. Collaboratively, you can make this podcast longer, stronger, bigger, better, more stories for you. And thanks in advance for your support. Oh boy. Podcasts are fun. But do you have cocktails with dirty names? Do you have Bango where you can walk up to people and ask them about their butthole? Maybe hear a story, maybe tell your own? No. And that's what you get in live body storytelling. Plus, recently we have been doing some over the top events, added stuff that really just spins my onion. And I'm going to tell you about some upcoming shows that I'd love to see you in person at. In Seattle on May 9th, we're doing libertine. I am still accepting story pitches for Libertine. Do you know how to pitch me a story? You turn on the voice memo on your phone, you record yourself telling a story beginning with middle and end. Just for me, just for Dixie. Doesn't have to be ready for everybody else. We work together. I coach you, I put you on stage, you get a standing ovation, your life has changed forever. You quit your job the next day. All of that happens because you get on stage at potty. So May 9 Libertine in Seattle followed in Seattle. On June 6, we are going to be celebrating our five year anniversary in Seattle. It's going to be a big extra special show and Tickets will be online really soon on our website. May 17th in San Francisco. I'm doing Unicorn Fest. It's going to be fucked up, y'.
- [30:02]
Ceiling Cat Prophet
All.
- [30:03]
Dixie de La Tour
Like in the best possible way. Unicorns. Reverse unicorns. Do you know what a reverse unicorn is? It's a couple talking about their unicorn experience. Instant threesome. Just add water and we're going to have a lot of extra special stuff that are in the works. I'm not going to tell you about them till they're confirmed, but this one's going to be a blowout. And it's on a Friday night. Friday, May 17th in San Francisco at the Verdi Club. Please join us for Unicorn Fest right after that on June 20th in San Francisco. I'm going to be doing best themes. Yeah, let's see how that goes. I've never done that theme before. Pitch me your story. If you have a story about how your friends helped you have an adventure, maybe you have sex with your friends. Whatever it is, send me your pitch and let's put you on stage in San Francisco. And don't forget Sunday, September 29th, which is Folsom Street Fair in San Francisco. I am going to be doing a big kinktastic show. Go to the fair, soak up the sun, wear your best leather. They kick you out at 6pm you're like, now what do I do? Dance party? Well, my dogs are kind of tired. Why don't I go where they have drinks like the Schlong Island Iced Tea or the Ethical Slut? Sit in a chair and listen to amazing stories while I'm still wearing my leather. Sounds perfect. Once again, I hope to see you at a live body storytelling really soon. The live experience will change your life forever because you had your turn and.
- [31:36]
Ylvis (performer of 'What Does the Fox Say?')
Now you're gonna learn that you'll never.
- [31:37]
Dixie de La Tour
Get to wag with me.
- [31:39]
Ylvis (performer of 'What Does the Fox Say?')
If you like it, then you should have put a leash on it.
- [31:41]
Dixie de La Tour
If you like it, then you should have put it's time to say thank you to the people who helped me end this reign of shame that we're currently experiencing in the world. Together, these stories are making it out to even more ears. And new people are learning they're not alone. There are people just like them out there in the world expressing themselves, liking what they like and knowing that they're not alone. Thank you to podcast producer Marty Garcia, to sound engineer David Grossoff, to project manager Dana Hanna, to video archivist Joe Moore. Thank you to you. Can I ask you to go on social media and share this episode? Share it with your friends on Social media. Tag us whatever you do. We want the world to change. We want people to know there's nothing wrong with being who the fuck you are. You can help us do that. And thank you to you for doing it. I'll be back next week with another episode. I am sexual folklorist Dixie De La Tour and you have been listening to the Bodi storytelling podcast. You know how I've been introducing you to other sex positive podcasts lately. I want to make sure you know about Shameless Sex. The Shameless Sex podcast and its co hosts, April and Amy take you on a journey every week where you can discover vulva mapping, discovering your kink, how to make your relationships juicy, and so much more. You can listen to it wherever you listen to podcasts. And here's a taste.
- [33:19]
Amy and April (Shameless Sex podcast co-hosts)
Welcome to the Shameless Ex podcast. I'm Amy, sex educator and sex and relationship coach. I'm April, VP of a high end international sex toy company. We're best friends who make our own rules about who we are as sexual beings. Each week we bring you world renowned experts to help you have the sex life you've always wanted. And guess what? We are still learning too. That means you also get a sneak peek into our own sexcapades. Like that one time when April shares her story about losing her anal virginity.
- [33:46]
Ceiling Cat Prophet
Ooh.
- [33:47]
Amy and April (Shameless Sex podcast co-hosts)
Or that one time when Amy shares all about her daddy issues and how she likes to be dominated. The bedroom, you mean every time. Oh, how about that one time when April was on a mission to learn how to squirt? Hey, thank you, Kegels. Subscribe anywhere you listen to podcasts. And join us every Tuesday for unabashed real talk that will teach you some things that will blow your mind, have you crying with laughter and probably get you a little turned on.