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Bawdy Storytelling
Episode 78: ‘Royal Tsunami’ (Heather Jordan)
00:33:43
Reverse Cuckold, anyone? Tired of hiding her kinky desires, Heather Jordan leaves her stale marriage to find someone who understands her need for spankings, objectification and public humiliation. Enter new beau Steighton, who promptly takes her to...
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- [00:03]
A
Greetings, my little potatoes. Just a reminder that this podcast is adult in nature. It's dirty. You've been warned.
- [00:19]
B
All of my life I've never fit But I won't complain and I won't quit. I am enormous.
- [00:29]
C
Get used to it.
- [00:34]
B
Everyone tells me I'm too much Maybe it's just you're not enough for me can't you see I'm the kind of woman I'm supposed to be? Hey, my vagina is eight miles wide. Absolutely everyone can come inside. If you're ever frightened, just run and hide. My vagina is eight miles.
- [01:12]
A
Hi there and welcome to the Body Storytelling podcast. I am sexual folklorist, Dixie delator, and this is episode 78. If you're listening to this on the day it came out, that means it's hump day and your week is halfway through. I hope it's been good so far. Hope it gets better by the end of it. And I'm gonna tell you a little bit about what's been going on with me and what my week was like. So this week I did a show in Seattle and I got up at 4 o' clock in the morning to catch my flight to Seattle from San Francisco because airfare just took a giant hike and the only flight I could get was like, leaving before dawn. I Woke up at 4am and I saw on Facebook there was a message from someone who had taken over a friend of mine's account. And the friend in question, the friend that we're talking about, is someone who was one of the founders of the center for Sex Positive Culture in Seattle, which is the center of everything sexuality related and kink related in Seattle. It's groundbreaking. They gave perverts a place to connect and built a huge community. That founder Elena Gabosh recently went on an adventure she used to tell on my stage all the time. And then she moved to Greece, and then she moved to Krakow, Poland, and that's where she is right now. I saw recently that she's been battling some health problems. And in a little bit more than a month from when she first said something, something's up, I gotta go to the doctor. There was a message on her Facebook from someone, a friend in Poland, who got on to say that I'm probably gonna be in a lot of trouble. But I'm on Alayna's Facebook page because they think she's dying tonight. The doctors say this is it and we're just holding vigil here, but we wanted to let her friends know. And I have never seen Such an outpouring of love in my life. Knowing that Elena was about to die destroyed me. I sobbed. The poor guy sitting next to me on the plane, I sobbed the entire way. And when I landed in Seattle two hours later, I immediately got on Facebook and people were saying, she's gone. And I sobbed some more. And then people got on and corrected and said, it's the middle of the night in Poland, y'.
- [03:41]
C
All.
- [03:41]
A
You're not getting accurate information. She's not gone. This happened four times on Thursday. Four times I believed my good friend was dead. And four times they went, oops, mistake. She's not. That was a hard day. Elena had had breast cancer in the past. This cancer. This time, I'm not sure what it is, but it was fast acting and scary. And having to do a show in Seattle after all that crying was tough. Someone reminded me that whenever Elena would have chemo, that she would always call it T ara day. Instead of saying chemo and making it negative, she would make it uplifting and say, it's tiara day. We decided to wear our tiaras to body thinking about her because the doctors had said this was gonna be it. It was tonight. We cried a lot. I lost it on stage a little bit. My friend Cunningminx of the Poly Weekly podcast was there. I ended up staying at her house, and after sobbing a little bit, removing our tiaras, we got in a hot tub and we told our favorite Alana Gabosh stories. We told stories about crazy stories she told on stage at Bodi. It was really kind of her wake we were having, and we decided that as long as we didn't look at Facebook, that Alaina was alive, so we just weren't going to look at Facebook. We went to bed still feeling kind of hopeful, even though the doctor had said, this is it. It's going to happen tonight. And when I woke up the next morning in Cunning Minx's house, I said, good morning. And she goes, it is a good morning, and showed me a video where the person who had taken over Elena Gabosh's Facebook page had said, oops, I'm in big trouble, and showed us Elena in bed, saying rumors of my death are highly exaggerated and promises of punishing the guy who had taken over a Facebook account. That was a really good day. The tributes that went out to Alana made me just go, oh, my God. If she could just see what a difference she made in thousands and thousands of people's lives, she should know. She should read this. I strongly believe that you should get to listen to your own eulogy, to know the difference that you made with the work that you did with your life. I felt like Elena was robbed that she didn't get to see that people all over the world were begging. Friends in Poland. We know it's the middle of the night. We know you're asleep. If you could just update us. We're so concerned. We're sending our love. We just want to know how she is. We want to know she's still here on the planet with us. It was one of the most moving things I've ever seen. And to know that Elena is around and woke up feisty and gotten people's shit and said, don't be taking over my Facebook account. She's the Elena we know, and she's back. And I hope she's back forever. I hope that we can have her for as long as possible. And most of all, I hope she's in her bed recuperating, reading the incredible messages and stories and memories that people have about her impact on their life. It was a real emotional roller coaster. 24 hours of thinking your friend is dead. Nope, she's not. Yes, she is. Nope, she's not. And then to have her come back and fucking kick ass. Just what a badass. Elena Gabosh, I love you so much. Thank you for everything you do. Thank you for helping me bring Bawdi to Seattle. Thank you for. Thank you for all the stories you've told on my stage. And get your ass back in the United States because I need to hug you again as soon as possible. This week, I'm in Portland. I'm teaching at Sex Geek Summer Camp. I'm teaching storytelling for sex Geeks. I'm kind of immersing myself in the sex educator world. For the week, I'll be taking other people's classes and teaching. And then I'll be back in San Francisco preparing for my San Francisco show. That's what my week looks like. I hope your week is better than that. I hope that your friends live forever. I hope that you learn a lot this week. I hope you surround yourself with friends. Let's get to story. Want to hear a story? Once upon a time, Kamasutra was one of the first companies to create foreplay products. I mean, these guys have got 50 years of pleasure under their belt, and they've been making love better since 1969. I like to travel, and it's also summertime. So you are going to love the Kama Sutra Weekender Kit. It's so much fun packed in a sexy portable tin. Their original Oil of Love that was developed to heighten sensitivity, increase arousal and enhance orgasms. And just enough portions of their Spearmint Pleasure balm their Love Liquid Sweet Almond Massage oil and yes, that delicious Honeysuckle Honey Dust with its handcrafted feather applicator. It's so cute y'. All. I have no idea how they get all that to fit so easily into your carry on or your weekend getaway bag, but I really love the packaging. And right now, just because you're body, you can get 20% off anything you order when you use the promo code DIXIE on vibrators like the Chari. Good God, the ears on that rabbit on their bath products on anything. So go to Kamasutra.com K A M A S U T R A dot com and use the promo code D I X I E at checkout to get 20% off. So when it comes to being a pervert, it Takes a Village I know a lot about sex, kink and gender, but sometimes I'll be chatting with my friends and their stories will teach me so much. I was recently chatting with my friend Princess Fancy Pants, who is our timekeeper in Seattle, and she is also the innkeeper at Enthrall, which is a kinky BNB in Seattle. I often stay there. It's amazing and Princess Fancy Pants and I were telling each other stories. She gave me one about a petty egg that blew my mind, but I told her I had an upcoming show in San Francisco. The theme was Kink, and she said, have you ever had Heather Jordan on your stage? I said, you know what? I've known her a long time, but I've never had a story from her. I contacted Heather, she said, kink?
- [10:39]
C
Really?
- [10:39]
A
Yeah, I definitely got a story for that and somehow it all came together. Let me tell you about your storyteller for this episode. Heather Jordan is a Bay Area kinkster who has been around the scene in some form or another for most of her adult life. When she is not doing sexy things or hanging out at bawdy Storytelling. She owns and operates a hair salon in Soma, that's a neighborhood in San Francisco. She hosts art shows, rides motorcycles and belly dances, living in Oakland with her partner, her three cats and a dog. She also enjoys sleeping in when the pets allow her to, and finding new places to brunch. This was her very first time getting on stage at Body Storytelling. This storyteller is Heather Jordan.
- [11:43]
C
As I straddled his naked body with my own. I could feel him quivering in anticipation for the flood we were about to unleash. I looked up into his girlfriend's eyes as I felt my partner's hands on me. About nine months before this, my husband and I decided to reopen our marriage. We had some growing sexual incompatibility. I wanted a lot of sex, preferably kinky sex. He didn't at all. So I went shopping for a new partner. Luckily, I ran into a man at a show who kind of looked like Silent Bob, but with Jay's cocky mouth and bald. His name was Steaton. And he too was married, very kinky, and lived in Seattle. So we spent the next few months getting to know each other, mostly over text. A lot of sexing, some video chats, and we were able to spend some weekends together having really kinky sex. It was amazing. I was so giddy with being with a partner who thought that my sex drive wasn't excessive and that handcuffs and paddles were a normal part of life. So one day he messages me and says, do you want to go to Kinkfest? And I'm like, what's that? And he says, you know, it's like Comic con for perverts. It's over at the Portland Convention center, put on by the leather lines up there. There's workshops on things like advanced caning and needle play and all sorts of breath play. And there's a huge dungeon play space, and there's even vendors. It's where I got my favorite flogger a few years. Do you want to go? Yes, I want to go, of course. What do I pack? So there I am at my first Kinkfest. And as we walk in the registration hall, you know, it looks like any other trade show convention center. There's these nice people at the registration desk with their badges, and they're telling us where the workshops are being held and where the play space is. And they're like casually wearing collars and sporting a flogger on their hip. And I'm like, what's all this? And so as I'm like gawking and looking around and we walk towards the dungeon, there's like a boot black station with these sexy people buffing up leather boots and their vests. And I'm like, oh, yes, this is what I've been looking for. And we go into the big convention hall, and instead of row after row of vendors, there's these taped off spaces about 10 by 10, and there's rows of them. And in each one there's a piece of equipment. Like, there's a spanking bench over here, and there's a St. Andrew's Cross over there. And there's like a rack with wrist and ankle restraints. And then there's like, that metal bar thing. And I'm like, what's that for? And Staton is laughing, and he's like, oh, it's for this or that. And occasionally he's like, I don't know that one's. I don't know what that one is. So that night, we go back to the dungeon and we have our first scene. And quickly he finds a spot for us, and he opens his bag of tricks, and he hands me a piece of paper and a Sharpie and says, write the following. I like to be touched. Please wear gloves if you want to insert. What? My hand is, like, shaking as I write this, realizing I'm about to have a seriously public objectification scene. So, you know, he strips me, ties my hands above my head, naked and blindfolded. And I tell you this, not to really tell you about the scene, but to tell you about a particular pair of hands that touched me during this scene. They were warm, they were eager, just like his voice. As he petted me, he talked about my tattoos. He told us that he and his girlfriend, this was their first kinkfest. They were new to the scene. And how did we come up with the idea for this scene that we were doing? And then he thanked us, and Staten said, hold on, wait a moment. We finish our scene, and he takes my blindfold off, and there in front of me is one of those woodland elves from Lord of the Rings, like brunette Legolas with shoulder tattoos. Turns out his name is Andrew. And quickly, Steton is able to pry his fantasy out of him, what he really wants. And what he wants is to have a woman squirt on him. Steet and I look at each other. We can make this happen. Does your girlfriend want to participate? What other kinds of things are you into? So we exchange numbers and make a date to have coffee the next day after classes. So next morning, during some very informative workshops, Steaton and Andrea were texting, sharing some of this info. Turns out they're into some light impact play, limited sexual contact, the squirting, obviously, and some humiliation mind fuck play. And my brain starts going, and I'm like, what's that thing where the king fucks the bride on the wedding night? You know, that thing that, like, Mel Gibson used to rebel against in Braveheart? And Staten says, prima noctis. The rite of first night. Oh, that's a good idea. Yes. I have a script. I know what I'm going to do. I. I'm not good at winging it. So I need a plan. And now I've got one. So we meet them for coffee and there's Legola or, excuse me, Andrew, with this tiny nymph, like, little, like, Mila Kunis looking girl. You know, the actress from Jupiter Ascending and Family Guy. Yeah. And so we get our drinks and we sit down and she's quiet. She's not saying much, but she's listening. She is definitely listening. As Steaton starts to outline this plan and he's explaining what prima noctis means. And that would they like to do kind of a reverse cuckold scene where I focus my attention on Andrew and the mind fucking humiliation goes to her. And Andrew's sitting on the edge of his seat looking at her, and she blushes and drops her head, looks back up and says, yes, please. Yes. Got a plan. Got a plan. So that evening, we meet back up at the dungeon and we have to walk around a little bit looking for space that meets our needs. And we finally find two spaces. One with this, like, throne, like, chair, and the other one with a. We'll call it a spanking bench. It served that purpose. And so Staten strips her down to her bra and panties and he shackles her to this throne. He's using, like, wrist cuffs on her tiny little ankles. And she's so small and adorable. And I'm standing there like, what do I do now? I'm supposed to be dominant. I know. Andrew, strip for me, but do it slowly. So as he takes his clothes off, I start petting him and stroking that chest and those tattooed broad shoulders like he is a present that was just unwrapped for me. The lady of the manor about to use this bridegroom, right? So I bend him over the bench and I start spanking him. And mind you, every time I get a little nervous and unsure, I do stop and just pet him because lusciousness. Meanwhile, Steaton has Sarah in the throne, and he's got her by the back of the head, gripping her hair, and he's whispering in her ear, loud enough that we can hear, of course, but he was telling her that every time I do something, he tells her that, like, she will never be the woman that I am. She'll never service him the way I can. She'll never be able to use him like me. And she's just staring over at us, quivering, and I'm like, ugh, this is weird. And so, you know, I've done some spanking and some flogging and Andrew's body seems to be telling me that it's going well for him too. So I, you know, I take the suggestion presented to me and I start sucking his hard cock. Cause he's obviously having a good time. And Staton tells Sarah that her little tiny mouth will never be able to deep throat him the way mine can. And I'm like, uh huh. So you know, my knees get a little sore. So I stand up and I grab him, all right. I tell him, like, undress your lady. And he peels my clothes off. And Steaton's making more comments about how curvy and voluptuous I am and how tiny she is. And I'm like, that's really, it's kind of weird, but I'm kind of excited by this. And she's quivering and he's still hard, so we're doing good. Okay? So I grab him by his ponytail and I drag him over to that chair and I make him kneel in front of her and I put my foot up between her legs on that throne and I shove his face in my pussy and I'm like, service your lady. And Steaton whispers to Sarah that she, you know, he will never eat her pussy the way he's eating mine and that her little tiny boy body will never satisfy him, right? And she's quivering and she's not looking away and all of us can smell her pussy over mine. So it's doing it for her. And so I'm standing there trying to stand there holding back this orgasm for like forever. And Steaton says to Sarah, would you like to see how a real woman orgasms? She practically rips her hair out of his hands with the force of her nod. So I stretch Andrew down in front of her and I straddle his body. That naked, luscious body pussied towards his face, of course. And I'm so excited that there's really no warm up needed at this point. And so Steyton just shoves his whole hand inside of me. And he goes fast and he goes hard. And when he feels me about to come, he pulls his hand out real quick. And I make this noise as this gush, this flood comes out of me like a tsunami all over Andrew for like 15 seconds. And I can hear him saying, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. And he is like shaking under me as I'm shaking on top of him. And I look up into Sarah's totally shocked eyes and she's like, what? And I just sort of collapse and slide off of Andrew's body. And I lay there in the puddle on the towel we had thought to lay out beforehand. And after a moment, I realize I'm hearing applause. Unbeknownst to me, during that whole section, I had been so very loud that I had attracted a great deal of attention. And it is now four people deep around our place scene, and they are applauding. And I think, well, I guess you can fake being dominant. And sometimes when you ask for what you need, sometimes you get all the filthy, kinky public sex you want.
- [26:18]
B
Mirror, mirror on the wall? Tell me what I see? The reflection of of perfection staring back at me? Mirror, mirror on the wall? Tell me what I see? It's a reflection of perfection staring back at me? I got my teeth to bite and the claws to scratch? I'm a high heeled man eating arctic? And nobody safe for me tonight? Cause I'm fatal? I'm the queen of pleasure? I'm the queen of pleasure? These eyes can hypnotize? Cause I'm the queen of pleasure? Please me? I'm an IR fist in a velvet glove? Hard to resist and evil to love? A wicked addiction and you'll never be free? An overdose of ecstasy coming in for the kill? Glad is gonna strike? You'll die to satisfy my appetite? Look at me surrender? I'm the queen of pleasure? I'm the queen of pleasure? These eyes can hypnotize? Cause I'm the qu? A pleasure? You know I'm gonna be a chef? Queen of pleasure? I'm the queen of pleasure? These eyes can hypnotize? Cause I'm the queen of pleasure? Queen of pleasure? I'm the queen of Neil. Queen of pleasure? You're under my spell now? I got you, Hunter. Come and get it, baby. It's time to please me now.
- [29:06]
A
That song was Queen of Pleasure by M. Van Doren. Thanks to Jasper in Iceland for the song suggestion.
- [29:13]
C
It's like it gets my so wet.
- [29:15]
A
It makes my explode.
- [29:16]
C
Actually, like.
- [29:24]
A
As someone who's been doing body storytelling for 12 and a half years, I can tell you that we would not have a podcast if it were not for our supporters on Patreon. Patreon is a way to support the projects that you love on an ongoing basis. It's a way to provide a monthly amount to make sure that we can afford things, like someone to edit and produce the podcast, all the awesome little sounds we have. Someone who makes them for us. The songs, the music, rights to play the songs. Web hosting, all of those things cost money. And you can help us make sure that this podcast continues. It's not my skill set. Podcasting is not the thing I do best. But every single time I open my email or I go to a live show, someone tells me how important this podcast is. So if you love it and you want to help the world be a more sex positive place, Please go to patreon.com p a t r e o-n.com body and give at whatever level you can. You're going to help make sure this podcast continues. And when we get to $2,000 a month, we're going to grow. That's going to mean bigger, better episodes. You can make that happen. Go to patreon.com bodi give whatever you can and thanks in advance for your support. So, you know I take a hiatus this time of year. Right. I like to work on big projects like websites and pitching TED talks and, you know, making the podcast better, all of those things. Which means I don't do live shows. So you just have a couple more opportunities to see a live body storytelling on the West coast on June 20th in San Francisco. The theme is Best fiends. What does best fiends mean? Maybe you fuck your friends. Maybe your friends get you laid. Maybe there's another one I haven't thought of. Whatever it is, it's gonna be awesome. It's gonna be at the Verdi Club. And here's the really exciting news. Shirley Noem is coming in from Canada to be our musical act that night. Shirley Gnomes. Amazing. One of my favorite singer songwriters. And you do not want to miss the talent on this woman. You do not want to miss the talents on this woman. And then let's go to Seattle on July 11th. The theme. This is one of my favorite themes. The theme is bottoms. True stories of anal drinking and or submission. Pick one or all. I always get great stories for this theme and I've already gotten a few pitches. So that is going to be our last show in Seattle before we take a break and come back in late late September. So you're going to want to be at that Seattle show. One more show after that in San Francisco, July 18th. The theme is all the Way. We made that theme as open as possible so that we can have stories that run the gamut. The best thing you could ever do for me is show up at a live body storytelling because I like faces and I can't wait to see yours wet ready to go. Okay, so it's time to say thank you. Thank you to podcast producer Marty Garcia, to sound engineer David Grossoff, to video archivist Joe Moore, to project manager Dana Hanna. Thank you to you. Thank you for listening. Thank you for telling just one friend about this podcast. And I made the mistake the other day of actually reading my Apple itunes reviews, and they're all five stars and. But somebody just wrote me kind of a negative one recently, so if you could do me a big old favor. I mean, itunes is going away soon, but I don't want to go out on that note. So write something positive. I'd appreciate it. Oh, so much. You have been listening to episode 78 of the Bawdy storytelling podcast I'm sexual folklorist Dixie de La Tour. Want to say thank you. And here's a peek at what's next.
- [33:22]
C
About six inch.
- [33:24]
A
Six inches.
- [33:25]
C
Sorry, Dick. I have Dick on the brain. You brought it up about six months.