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Bawdy Storytelling
Episode 79: ‘Marriage Material?’ (Michael Noel)
00:25:35
How do you know that you’re Gay when you’re having lots of sex with women - and you’re really good at it? First time storyteller Michael Noel takes the stage in Boston with a true story of suicide threats, a mandatory psychiatric hold, and a...
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This episode of the Body Storytelling Podcast is brought to you by OMG Yes. A video series that helps women and other vagina havers experience pleasure. OMG yes. Is explicit yet comfortable, sort of like friends sharing recipes or travel tips. Each technique is brought to life in beautiful videos of people with vaginas sharing their experiences. OMG yes. Asked thousands of women what felt best to them and found the patterns with no blushing and no shame. Learn more about OMG yes. And how to save on the series later on in the show.
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All of my life I've never fit But I won't complain and I won't quit. I am enormous. Get used to it. Everyone tells me I'm too much. Maybe it's just you're not enough for me. Can't you see I'm the kind of woman I'm supposed to be? Hey, my vagina is in my wide. Absolutely everyone can come inside. If you're ever frightened, just run and hide. My vagina is eight miles. What?
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Hi there and welcome to the Bawdi Storytelling Podcast. I am sexual folklorist Dixie de La Tour, and for episode 79, we have a story for you. All the way from Bawdy in Boston, Massachusetts. I had one of those weeks where I had a ton to do, but I kept this very relaxed pace. It really kind of helped me get my head on straight. I gassed up my little Kia soul, downloaded a ton of podcasts, and did a road trip from San Francisco to Portland. I arrived in Portland just in time for the Bawdy storytelling Podcast fan meetup, and there was a ton of people waiting on the back porch at the Rambler, waiting to say hi, waiting to tell me their favorite episode and what they love about the podcast. And we played a little game called I could tell you a story about that they taught me and they did these one line story teasers. And I tell you, people in Portland got it going on. There were some good stories in there. Then I had to head off to Sexgeek Summer Camp to teach sex educators how to communicate why sex education was so important to them, why they were making it their life's work. And it was a really moving experience, too, listening to people talk about why they love sex. We all do, but some people can articulate it better than others. I highly recommend Sex Geeks Summer Camp. It's going to be happening again next year. If you're a sex podcaster or a burgeoning sex educator or somebody who's been doing it for years but wants to get better at it, I Highly recommend it. And then I got in my car to turn around and head home. Armed with new podcast episodes to listen to, somebody messaged me to tell me that body storytelling made GQ magazine's best sex podcast list. We were listed as one of the seven best podcasts to make you better in bed. So while you're listening to these stories and you're being entertained, you realize you're learning tips and tricks, right? You're learning moves, you are learning how to be better in bed. Thank you, gq, for recognizing that. That's what we're doing. We're tricking you. We're teaching you. You're going to be highly entertained, but you learn at the same time. My work here is done, folks. Are you ready for your story for this episode? So there's a little bit of a backstory. I did Bodi in Boston and as I was preparing, I was asking people if they knew amazing storytellers. I have friends who are part of Mortified. If you don't know Mortified. It's this great teen angst. Sometimes sexy, really. Just about the formative years where you're trying to figure yourself out. It's a great show. And I was talking to one of the event producers here in San Francisco who knew the event producer for Mortified in Boston. I got her for my Boston show and she also mentioned that she had this neighbor who was meant for storytelling. He pitched me a story. I loved him. And this may be a recording of his first attempt at storytelling. I'm not sure about that, but I will say that he went on and the storytelling bug bit him hard. He left Boston. He started traveling the world as a storyteller and just this week he is hosting a sold out storytelling show in London. This storyteller is Michael Noel. I'm a hug.
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We're used to holding dicks. Yeah, I don't need that. Yeah. I had always assumed that being gay just meant that you touch dicks or girls eat pussy. To say that I got sidetracked coming out is like saying Lorena Bobbitt was a little bit angry with her husband. When I was 21, I was working in Boston and I had some friends that were moving to San Diego and they said, you should come with me. And I thought, sure, why not? I got nothing going on here. I was working two jobs and taking life a little too seriously for a 21 year old. So I went, moved to San Diego and got two jobs there, got a shitty day job and I decided that I would wait tables at night. Because I knew the cash was better. I'd never waited tables. So I lied and said that I did. But the restaurant that I worked at burned down. I'm sorry, you can't call them for references. So they hired me. Idiots. I'm a horrible waiter. Don't ever be rude to me. I will fucking put you in your place. True story. So while I was working at this restaurant, it was at the Hilton in Del Mar, which is across the street from the racetrack. And on my smoke brakes on the loading dock, I met these two girls. They were kind of cool and edgy. One girl, her name was Mitch.
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Which.
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Was short for Michelle. I thought that was pretty cool. She was about 5, 9. She looked like a young Paloma Picasso. Very beautiful. And since I was still actively pursuing women, like a fucking idiot, I started dating her. Mitch and I moved in together about six months after we started dating. And I would say things like, I'm not the marrying type, or I have no plan on getting married this young. I was about 23 years old at the time. And one day we were shopping at the mall, as we did, because she liked consumer debt. You know her, right? She brought me into a jewelry store and wanted to show me the ring that she thought she wanted for her engagement from me. So this is about a year into our dating. And I obviously was not looking to get married at this age. So I asked her if we could have this conversation at home rather than in the jewelry store, because that was not appropriate. So we continued the conversation at home. The long and short of that part is that when we got home and discussed this, she told me that she was going to kill herself if we didn't get married. It's okay not to laugh. That's not fucking funny. In June of 1995, Mitch and I were married. You can laugh now. I do. About six inches. Sorry, Dick. I have dick on the brain. You brought it up about six months. It was a horrible wind up. This next part is not funny. About six months into being married to Mitch, she did attempt to kill herself. Now this is not the first time she had tried to kill herself. It was the first time she did while we were married. So when we got to the hospital, everyone, her family and myself, like, had happened three other times before. The doctor wanted to know what I wanted to do because I was now her husband and her parents had always just pretended that it never happened. Brought her home, gave her some soup, and carried on like all was normal. But because I was her husband, I was the one calling the Shots. So I said, what are my options? And he said, well, There's a mandatory 24 hour hold when someone attempts to kill themselves. But since this has happened before, Mr. Noel, my advice is that you put her on a 30 day hold. And I thought, then that's what we'll do. So I had my wife locked up for 30 days to give myself some time to figure out what the fuck I was going to do and to hopefully get her the help that she so obviously needed that no one was willing to do. During the time that Mitch was in the hospital, a friend of mine at work, this lovely girl named Mary, she was my surfing pal. She's probably a lesbian, I don't know. She married a guy, but I married a girl. So we're not still in touch though. Let's just go with she's a lesbian. Mary came into my office and she could tell that I was incredibly upset. And she said, michael, are you okay? And I said, no, Mary, I'm not okay, but I don't know what to do about it. And as nonchalantly as she had walked into my office, she said, is it because you just married Mitch and you figured out that you're gay? And normally when this question is posed to me, used to saying things like, no, I have lots of sex with girls, I like sex with girls, I'm good at it. But on that day in that place that I was a broken down man, married to this suicidal person, I said, yes, Mary. That's why now, saying yes to Mary was the crack in the dam that I knew was coming. And I also knew there was no going back from. I did leave Mitch. I left her soon after she got out of the hospital because that was the only thing I knew how to do. Now that I admitted to myself and admitted to my friend Mary that I was in fact gay, I left. And I knew when I left or when I came out that the first person I had to call was my mom. Because that's what you do, you call your mom. At the time, my mom was the only person really that knew what was going on because I was too embarrassed to tell my friends how manipulated I was being. And I didn't want them to hate her. So I picked up the phone from my office and I called my mom. And when she answered the phone, I sobbed because I was terrified that I was actually coming out to my mother. And my mom's really cool, but you hear nightmare stories, right? Like people's parents disown them, their family tells them to fuck off Whatever. So through my sobs, I said to my mom. I said, mom, I have something really important to tell you, but. But I'm afraid that you're not going to love me anymore. And she said in the way that a mom does, in a very calm voice, she said, michael, there's nothing that you could ever say to me that would change how much I love you. So I sobbed more, and I said, well, Mom, I'm gay. Is that okay with you? She said, of course, honey. Is that all? Apparently, I built it up too much for her, and she was ready. So after coming out, I started hanging out at these gay clubs in San Diego. The music at gay dance clubs is better, and I love to dance. So I was going out dancing almost every night. I noticed this guy was checking me out. And since I was newly out, I had no game at all, not like I do now, and decided, I'm not gonna talk to him. He can come talk to me. So he did eventually come talk to me and asked me my phone number. I sort of told him, like, I just came out. I just left my wife. I've got to go home. So he asked for my phone number. I gave it to him. And when I got home, he had left a message, very eager, this gentleman, this tall, blonde and handsome gentleman named Don. So I called him back, because why the fuck not? I was gay now. That's what they do. I'm spontaneous. I dance at gay clubs. I stay up late. It's true. My life was very different now. So Don came up. He knew I lived near the beach. He thought maybe we could go for a romantic stroll on the beach. Sounded fine with me. Nervous, but still excited. So we went for this walk on the beach at Carlsbad State Beach. And he held my hand, which was very exciting, and I was very nervous, but still thrilled about. And I just. I asked him, he said, can we just stop for a minute? I want to. I really want to take this moment in because it's taken me a long time to get here, and I really want to remember this maybe forever. And so I closed my eyes and he hugged me. And when I opened my eyes, he was right there. And he kissed me. And this. This I consider to be my first kiss. And I do, because it was the first kiss that ever meant anything. This first kiss had ever felt like anything to me. And it was the first time in my life that I was allowing myself to be the person I had hidden for 26 years. And I decided on that moment, in that moment on Carlsbad state beach that I would never hide again.
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We'Re all the same we just want to belong so let me explain in the form of a song what you bout to find out Got news to share so sit yourself down get yourself prepared and if this is hard to hear then you should hit replay Cause I can guarantee it's harder for them to say Whoever sent you this told me to say hello Give you a hug and kiss and also wanted you to know they're gay and today is the day that you're finding out because they're happy this way okay because there's no reason Love's always in season and love is love Love is love Ooh love is love we're all the same we just want to belong so if you are ashamed of them then move along Cause the world is changing for the better you'll see so embrace the the grace of sexuality Cause everyone has a view but there is not a cure don't say that they're confused Cause I'm gay myself and I'm very sure if you were sent this song by someone you care about Then you should clap along Cause it's their way of coming out their gay and today is the day that you're finding out because they're happy this way oh yay. Yay. Because there's no reason Love's always in season and love is love Love is love Love is love they could have robbed a bank or stolen a car but all they've done is love who they are and they want you to love them back how could you be mad at that? They're allowed to be proud to let them sing it loud they're yay. And today is the day that you're finding out because they're happy this way oh yay. Gay because there's no reason Love's always in season and love is love Ooh love is love Ooh love is love Ooh love is love Life is better when you just remember that love is love.
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That was coming out by Allie Hills OMGYes.com is a website about women's sexual pleasure. When it comes to the actual ways that people with vaginas touch themselves or the way that their partners touch women, there are a lot of myths out there. So OMGS decided to do the first ever large scale scientific research, interviewing over 20,000 vagina havers aged 18 to 95 about what actually feels good to them and why. What they found was of course people with vaginas vary in what they like, but they also found a lot of shared techniques. OMG yes is explicit, but the videos aren't intimidating. They feel comfortable. Sort of like hanging out with your friends, sharing recipes or travel tips. It's not a subscription site. You pay once for permanent access to a set of videos and animations, and your payment goes on to fund ongoing research into sexual pleasure. Here's what you can find at OMG yes. 47% of people with vaginas have had multiple orgasms. Lots of women think they can't have multiples because they get really sensitive right after the first, but by altering the technique after the orgasm in specific ways, many people can build to second and third orgasms. OMG yes. Season two just came out and it's all about penetration and the ways that people can make penetration more pleasurable. While 18% of people with vaginas orgasm from regular in and out penetration, there are other penetration techniques that lead to orgasm for over 75% of women and you can explore them all. The results Researchers from Indiana University School of Medicine found that 95% of women experienced pleasure in a way that felt physically new and after a month of using OMG yes, check out season one and their newly released season two@omgyes.com oh and use the promo code Dixie to get $5 off. Go to omgyes.com Dixie right now and save. You know, one of the worst things is when you fall in love with something like a TV series and you're so into it and then it goes away and you're like, but I love that it added to my life. I got so much enjoyment out of it and I want to make sure that that doesn't happen with this podcast. And that's why I am asking you to go to patreon.com and support us at whatever level you can. It makes a huge difference. Whatever you can contribute means that this thing can continue to not only exist, but grow. When we hit the $2,000 a month mark, which we're a bit away from when we hit it, that means that Body Storytelling's podcast is going to go to bigger, better episodes, more stories, more songs, and you're helping us meet the costs of the music rights and the production and everything else that makes this podcast possible. Go to patreon.com P-A-T-R-E-O-N.com Bodi, you know how to spell it and give at whatever level you can. Your ongoing support means that you get this podcast every single week. Thanks so much. We appreciate your support. My most favorite thing in the World is seeing your face at a live body. People write me every single day to say they love this podcast and what they really want is to experience a live body storytelling. Apparently, I'm doing my job well because y' all realize how important that is. People are asking me, please bring this show to Denver, please bring this show to Washington, D.C. please bring it to Houston, and I' ma do my best. But till then, here's what's coming up for Bodi, and we're going on summer hiatus soon, which means there are just a few chances left for you to see Bodi before fall hits. So on June 20th in San Francisco, that's this week. The theme is Best Fiends. I just got through doing story coaching this morning for somebody who blew me away. I know you're gonna hear this story on the podcast soon. There are some incredible stories and we have Canadian singer, songwriter, superstar Shirley Noem in this show. Can't ever get that woman enough. You know why? Because she lives in Canada. But I got her this week, so please show up and see her and listen to her songs because she's hilarious and weird and everything I love in a singer songwriter. And then on July 11th in Seattle, our last Seattle show before we go on break. The theme is Bottoms. True stories of anal drinking and or submission. Pick one or all you can do them all. And that makes for a really good story. I think right now I'm close to having just like one spot left. We're also going to have Creature Hole for that show. I'd love to have you be part of it. Send me your story. July 18th in San Francisco. That's it. That's the last one before we come back in the fall. The theme for July 18th in San Francisco is All the Way. So that's one of those themes that you can fit so much. Just shove a bunch of stuff in there, send me your story pitch, and if you're not the kind who gets on stage, come sit in the audience, have a cocktail with the dirty name, play Bango, and come up and hug me hello. My most favorite thing ever is coming to a live show and getting to meet the people who listen to the podcast and who have been inspired to live more sex tastic lives because of the stories that they're hearing. I want to change your life. You know I do. That's what's coming up for body storytelling. It's time to say thank you. Thank you to podcast producer Marty Garcia, to sound engineer David Grossoff, to video archivist Joe Moore, to project manager Dana Hannah. And thank you to you. I need an enormous favor from you. Tell just one friend about this podcast. Growing is so important to me. And knowing that new people are listening to the podcast and having y' all tell me what sort of stories you're looking for, what you want to hear, writing us reviews on itunes, every bit of that is something that you can do to help make this podcast continue and grow. Thank you so much. This has been episode 79 of the podcast I'm sexual folklorist Dixie de La Tour, and here's a peek at what's next. And then I met Troy. And Troy was in a band. He played the guitar. He kind of looked like Vince Neil from Motley Crue, but he was made like Tommy Lee down there.