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Bawdy Storytelling
Episode 84: ‘Plot Twist‘ (Andy Miles & a Surprise Guest)
00:57:29
Ready for a Double Whammy? Andy Miles’ cross country move becomes a gender journey: just move from Atlanta to San Francisco, meet an Elvis lookalike at a play party, peg and facef*ck him while your husband cheers you on - oh crap, a Starbuck’s...
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- [00:02]
Dixie de La Tour
Are you ready for season five of the Bodi storytelling podcast? This is Dixie de La Tour, and it's been a little while since we talked, so I need to remind you that this podcast is adult in nature. You know me, it's gonna be graphic, so make sure your earbuds are in. Or if you're having a listening party right now, that everybody who can hear this is of age and completely on board.
- [00:25]
Host/Storyteller (possibly Dixie or another regular host)
Good.
- [00:26]
Dixie de La Tour
Okay, great. Let's go. Have you heard about Manscaped? The number one brand in men's below the belt grooming, Manscaped offers precision engineered tools for you or your partner's family jewels. Their Lawn Mower 2.0 is a sexy razor that won't nick your nuts. And you can help defeat summertime ball sweat with the crop preserver, their anti chafing deodorant and moisturizer, Manscaped helps you keep your meat and potatoes smelling fresh. So, y', all, it's time to get clean. And to make untrimmed pubes a thing of the past, go to manscaped.com right now and use the promo code Dixie D I X I e to save 20% and get free shipping. Smell you later.
- [01:19]
Musical Performer (possibly Cody Chestnut)
All of my life I've never fit But I won't complain and I won't quit I am enormous.
- [01:28]
Musical Performer (possibly Cody Chestnut or another musician)
Get used to it.
- [01:33]
Musical Performer (possibly Cody Chestnut)
Everyone tells me I'm too much maybe it's just you're not enough for me can't you see I'm the kind of woman I'm supposed to be? My vagina is eight miles wide. Absolutely everyone can come inside. If you're ever frightened, just run and hide. My vagina is eight miles.
- [02:13]
Dixie de La Tour
Hi there and welcome to the Bodi storytelling podcast. I'm sexual folklorist Dixie de La Tour, and you might call this episode 84, but I like to call it season five, baby. Holy shit, I've missed you. It has been a minute, hasn't it? I've been on hiatus from the podcast and from live shows for about a month. And doesn't that sound great? Having a hiatus from the things that you do all the time, have a little break is awesome, because I have really made my dog quake happy. We've gone for long walks on the beach, We've gone to the woods. I've taken a very, very basic yoga class or two. I've gone for walks. I've sat at restaurants with friends for hours and caught up. And all of that is great. But the other side of that is that I haven't had contact with you very much. I mean, the thing is, when a podcast goes on break, the constant letters and messages slow down. So I haven't gotten to hear your story. I haven't gotten your feedback on what you like and what you want. And those were the things that lit up my day. Every day. Every morning I get up and make myself a cup of coffee. I'd sit down and I'd start to read messages from you. And I have missed that so much. I want to say thank you for coming back. I've missed the hell out of you. And I figured out a new way for us to communicate so that wherever you are, you can tell me what's going on with you, too. I also want to mention that during the hiatus, we have been continuing on with our way to figure out where to take Bodi next on tour. I've been on break from touring for a while because it's kind of hard to figure out where to take a show, you know? So I created this thing called the Test Tickle. Test tickle. Sounds like testicle, which is a way for you to vote and tell me where to go next. And we've had some great success with it. I'm going to tell you a little bit more about that as we get to the upcoming shows later on in the episode. Meanwhile, I know it's been a while since you had one. Let's hear a story. It's one of those stories where your life culminates in this beautiful story on stage that gets a standing ovation. It was powerful and it happened just a month or two ago in San Francisco. Let me tell you the backstory. Once upon a time, I had friends of means who rented an amazing apartment overlooking all of San Francisco. This beautiful panoramic view. This. This apartment that we called the ecstatic attic because it housed a lot of sex parties. And it had this amazing orgy shower that could probably fit 15 or 20 people in it. It would blow your mind how great it was. The people who rented it decided to buy a house, but they wanted to keep it in the family. So they wanted to make sure that somebody really sex positive like they were got this incredible apartment. That's what we do in big cities. We will our apartments to other people, I guess so. They had recently met a couple who had moved to San Francisco from Atlanta, and the new owners were suddenly Raj and Andy. You may have heard Raj's story several years ago. It was on the bawdy storytelling podcast and on my stage. If you go to episode 32 of the podcast, you can Hear Raj's side of the story at the time that it was told, and you can see him on stage on our YouTube channel. But I'd never had Andy. And Andy recently decided to start a book to talk about his transition, to talk about his amazing life. We finally got to put it on stage. Let me tell you his bio. Andy Miles is a queer, bi, trans guy from Texas. He's a storyteller, a sex educator, and a model for Do More Photographers. He's here to send you strength and love. This is an incredible story, y'. All. This storyteller is Andy Miles.
- [06:46]
Andy Miles
People always ask me how I knew I was trans. And it started with somebody calling me daddy. I was lying in bed on a Sunday morning after an epic weekend of sex, and my lover whispered in my ear so quietly I could barely hear it. Can I please suck your cock, daddy? And my whole body went electric because nobody had ever quite done that before. But let me back up a little bit before that happened. It's 2014. I had just moved to San Francisco, just met Dixie, and I was so excited because this is a nerd wonderland and a sex wonderland and a sex nerd wonderland altogether. I moved here after being out and open as a queer, poly kinky, bisexual woman in an open marriage in Atlanta, Georgia. That was a little bit rough. So I got here, and I got the job first before my husband. So I moved out, and I was exploring everything on my own. There was sex education training, so I went and did my certification through Spicy. Met lots of friends there. I learned to explore all the things that I liked. I learned that my fist could fit inside another human, and it was amazing. I remember being with this gorgeous tattooed woman who was a crossfitter, and she tasted so good. And I was putting in one finger and another finger. No gloves, no lube. She was just that juicy. And when my hand slipped all the way in, I thought, oh, it feels so good to have her squeezing me. After that, I called my husband, who was still in Atlanta at the time, and said, hey, our wedding ring has been completely immersed in this amazing human. I'm so excited. He said, tell her welcome to the family. So I'm discovering the fisting. I'm discovering my sex ed training. I start going to sex parties and loving them. I start becoming a sex party facilitator and producer myself. And along the way, I also realize that I love fucking guys in the ass. So I buy my first strap on harnesses and my first dicks, and I'm playing with the boyfriend of one of my lovers. Because this is how you meet people, you know, like friends of friends, partners of partners. And after we're done playing, he looks up at me and he says, you are like a cross between a mad scientist and daddy. And I'm like, cool. I don't know what that means. I'm new here, but that sounds nice. So after some months, my husband Raj actually moves to San Francisco with me. We're not long distance anymore, which is great because when we got married, we promised to be nerds together forever and have adventures large and small together for the rest of our lives. It's actually engraved on our wedding rings. Nerds together. It's not the date or anything, it's just like, oh, we like to learn things together. We have book dates where we read books about all the things we're interested in in bed. And lots of those books are sex books. So he's here and I start introducing him to all the people. I introduce him to Dixie. We have hosted body storytelling rehearsal at our house for many years. And I start bringing him with me to parties. And we find ourselves at this party at a beautiful warehouse in Oakland. So this warehouse, it has big brick walls, tall ceilings, really beautiful, spacious floors. And I walk into this party, there are about 30 people arranged in a circle seated on cushions. And the organizer, who's this 6 foot tall blonde who's huge in terms of energy, is a former football jock, but also a teddy bear. He is pulling everybody together in this Northern California tradition of a welcome circle, which I love. It sounds so kind and wonderful. And it's a way to get people connected with each other so that they can fulfill all of the desires of their perverted little hearts. So one of my favorite parts of the welcome circle is the question, mildest and wildest. It goes like this. What is the mildest thing that could happen today at this event that would leave you with a huge grin on your face? Think about that for a minute and then ask yourself, what is the wildest? And go do that. So we're going around the circle. People are talking about their mildest and wildest. They're people of all genders and orientations. There are lots of lesbians with new dicks. And I'm not a lesbian, but I am a queer woman. And at this point, I'm showing up to the party in this form. Fitted red Ann Taylor dress that hits just above the knee and like calf high leather boots. And for context, I have huge breasts. I wear a 34F at the time, so I'm like fierce, hard, femme queer woman with short hair who also presents butch sometimes, but hella queer in whatever way you say. And I say, I too have a new dick today, and my wildest desire is for some guy to give me a blowjob and then let me fuck him. As I say this, I make eye contact with a beautiful stranger from across the room. He is maybe 6 foot, looks like an Elvis with really manicured sideburns and really bright blue eyes, full cheeks. He sees me make eye contact, his eyes get really big, and he grins like a kid on the first day of school and is like, huh, huh, huh. So I have my partner for this, and before we know it, you know, I go over, talk to him and he says, apparently his name is Jason, he lives in Sacramento, he's visiting, and he really likes giving blowjobs. He really likes getting his face fucked and slapped around, and he's very much looking forward to having my dick sink into his ass. So before we know it, he's on his knees in front of me and he is so lovingly appreciating my brand new dick, taking it slowly, making sure to caress all of it. For those of you who aren't familiar with the many options available for dicks, thick skin dildos are the best. They have a firm inner core that is silicone and a more squishy outer layer. And what that means is it feels pretty realistic to the touch. It maintains body heat, it always stays hard. It can't get anyone pregnant. There are all of these wonderful, wonderful things about it. So he's taking this slowly and appreciating the veins and the ridges and just treating it beautifully. And then he's taking it more as I thrust. And then he's really enjoying it when I start slapping his face around. And then I basically flip him over, find a mattress, and say, it's time for you to get fucked, honey. And he says, oh, can you use my dick? And I'm like, oh, well, I mean, I guess I can swish it out. It's detectable. It's really useful, it's handy. So I switch it out and he has a very, very small one. And I fuck him. He enjoys it. We have a lot of fun coming together. And then he says that he really wants to keep in touch because this was fun. Raj is there at this party, and I was like, hey, it looks like you had a good time. You're going to follow up with that guy? I'm like, yeah, definitely. So I follow up and we start seeing each Other on the weekends in Sacramento, whenever I have a chance to go along the way, I know that I really like getting blowjobs, and I know that I really like fucking guys in the ass. And at least one person has called me daddy, but I don't really know what that means. And I start through all of this to also meet lots of gender bending people and lots of trans people. And I start dating some. And they all ask me, have you ever played with gender? Have you ever thought about this? And I say, well, no, not really. And then one of my lovers has top surgery. And I find myself instantly jealous because, well, I'm not sure why is it that I want a flat chest? Is that I want the feeling of a T shirt against my skin? I'm not really sure, but I'm jealous and I want that. So I start to ask myself, huh? Like, does that. Does that mean that I'm a man? Or does it just mean I want a flat chest? And then I'm like, well, I really like how he looks in a T shirt. And I also like it when butch dykes look like that in a T shirt. And I also like it when all kinds of androgynous people look like that in a T shirt. So I start buying all these men's clothes. I buy T shirts like this one, but they don't look right on me because at this point, I still have a 34F chest. And I'm very frustrated, but I don't know still what it means about gender. And I'm just having all the sex that I can have in the meantime. So one of these times, I'm on the train on the way to Sacramento to visit Jason, and it is a Friday after work. I have spent all day at work with my bag full of, like, bondage tape and dildos, hoping that it doesn't spill out of my office bag. And I've been anticipating how pent up he's going to be because I have instructed him not to come since Tuesday so that he will be ready for me when I get there. And we get there, we can't keep our hands off each other. We must have eaten food and slept at some point. But all I remember for this weekend is fucking and fucking and fucking and coming and coming and coming up until that Sunday morning. That Sunday morning. By this point, I've already identified that I want a flat chest. I've already identified that I want T shirts to look dude like on me. But I don't really know anything else. And we talked about it but at this point, my pronouns are still they and she and I don't know much else. It's this Sunday morning, and Jason whispers to me, can I please suck your cock, Daddy? And I say, yes. And I think that he is going to want me to go put on my harness and. And my dick, but he doesn't. He just pulls off the sheets and starts going down on me. He starts licking me and sucking me with no extra equipment. He says, I love feeling your cock at heart in my mouth, Daddy. I want you to come down my throat, and I want to swallow, Daddy. And at that point, I felt. I feel like maybe I do actually have a dick attached to me that I was born with. It's a total and complete mind fuck. And I come really hard. And then I tell him that it is very, very much now time for him to get fucked again. And I pick him up and move him into his sex sling, which is one of my favorite features of his house. It's this beautiful leather sling with metal chains attaching it to the ceiling. And I cuff his right ankle and his left ankle and his right wrist and his left wrist. And then I tie up his cock and balls for good measure because I know that he's going to want to touch himself, and I know that he is going to wish that he had more movement there, but he will come much harder if he has to wait. So I have him tied up and I go back and put on my favorite Vickskin dick with my favorite brown leather and brass harness. And I start slowly teasing him and. And fucking him. But this time I imagine that I actually have nerve endings in that dick and that I can feel his ass squeeze me as I'm sinking into him, and that I can feel myself get harder as I thrust, and that when I come, I'm actually coming into him. I do that. I pound him the way that he likes, as much as he can take it. And then I give his face a few slaps and a forehead kiss and say, you did a great job. And I untie him and then ask him to fuck me. And as I do that, I move to take off my harness. He puts a hand on my arm and says, you don't have to do that. And I said, well, what do you mean? He says, I can fuck you while you're still wearing that. And I was a little bit confused, but went with it. He puts on a condom, slides his dick into me, and then with his right hand starts jacking off the dick that I'm already wearing. And tells me that he loves sinking his dick into my front hole. New word. Like it? It's great. And jacking me off at the same time and telling me he wants me to come in his hand. And then he takes his left hand and puts it on my sternum and says, you have a beautiful chest, Daddy. Nobody has ever referred to this as my chest. Not while I still have big boobs like that. I feel so seen and loved and cared for in a way that I didn't even know how to ask for. I had not conceptualized myself as a man, but he saw me in that way, used male pronouns and terms for the first time, calling my chest, my chest, my clit, my dick, my vagina, my front hole. And as we wrapped up there, I just. I held him and I cried and just said, thank you. I didn't have any more words at that point. And then it's Sunday morning, and I live in San Francisco and we're in Sacramento, and so I have to get back home. So I'm going back to the Amtrak, and I go to order a coffee at Starbucks and the barista calls me ma'. Am. I'm instantly snapped out of it. And my first reaction is like, wait, what? This is crazy. I'm obviously a dude. Can't you tell? You must be delusional. And then I look down and I see my chest. At this point, when I look down, I cannot see my feet because my tits are literally out to here. And I just feel crushed and alone because if this person can't see it, then nobody can. At this point in the world, it is only Jason who could see the man in me. And me. So I'm getting on the train, going back home, and I'm crying because I am married to a straight man. I am married to a straight man who, on our second date, when I came out to him as bi, said, oh, thank God. I said, what are you doing? Excuse me?
- [22:22]
Host/Storyteller (possibly Dixie or another regular host)
He said, well, you know, I've always.
- [22:24]
Andy Miles
Been attracted to bi androgynous women, and you have long hair and you're wearing dresses. So I was a little bit confused, and I wasn't sure if it was going to work. So he's been a centerpiece of queer community for as long as I've known him. He was born and raised in India, came to the US for grad school, and looks like a South Asian version of Morpheus from the Matrix without the sunglasses, Shorter built, but shaved head. Beautiful. And I love this man with all my heart. How could I not love a man who, when I fisted someone for the first time, said, tell her welcome to the family. I cannot bear the thought of losing this man. So as I'm realizing that I feel so loved and seen being a man, I am terrified to come home and talk to my husband and tell him about this experience. But I do, and he looks at me and says, we promised to be nerds together and have adventures together. I am going to hold you through this, and we're going to figure it out. So I start seeing a gender therapist. Raj starts seeing a therapist. We start going to couples therapy. We start talking to everyone we can find about having one partner transition and what happens. We talk and talk and learn and learn and read and read until we've read everything we can possibly read. And one day in the spring of 2017, he comes to me and says, honey, I think you should take testosterone. And I'm like, you're a dude and you're straight, and you want me to be a dude? And he says, no, really. We've talked as much as we can, and I think the only way that you'll really know if this is for you is if you do it. So I'm like, okay, so I can make a doctor's appointment, but I don't have to go. So he's like, no, it's okay. You can go. So I go to the doctor's appointment, and I say, well, I got a prescription, but I don't have to fill it. And he says, okay, you can fill it. And I say, okay, I filled the prescription, but I don't have to take it. And then the next morning, he comes to me with my testosterone in one hand and chai in the other and says, honey, I brought you your tea. Amazing. I check in with him about three months later and say, you know, it's been three months on testosterone. How are you doing? He says, well, you're a lot happier, and we don't fight about the thermostat anymore, so I think we're good. Five, six months after that, I end up having my top surgery. And the first thing I remember coming out of anesthesia is holding Raj's hand, looking up at him and saying, did you ask the doctor how much my boobs weighed? And he says, yeah, a pound. Like those motherfuckers sure took up a lot of space. And I passed out. That was two years ago. And now my chest finally looks the way that I want it to in T shirts. I am forever thankful to Jason for seeing the man in me and to Raj, who Signed up to marry a bi androgynous woman and stayed married to a bi man. He is here in the audience today in a T shirt that says, I am not gay, but my husband is. If you see him, please say hello.
- [26:27]
Musical Performer (possibly Cody Chestnut or another musician)
Listen, I can do anything I want because I look good in leather. I can talk and kind of talk because I look good in lather and I know you wish that you could look like me. Listen I can make any woman mind because I look good in leather. I can rock her body so good blows her mind because I know how to her better better than you got your wishing to be just like me. Yeah, I'm cool with attitude and ego to spell. Yeah, put on my poker face when I walk the streets because I look good in leather. I can make a star out of anyone I meet. You're gonna shine if you're standing beside me. Give me some truth. Don't you wish that you can kick it with me, kick it with me. You wanna kick it with me? Kick it with me. Because I look good in leather. Don't you know I look good in leather? Everybody's looking I look good and never at me I know I, I look good and heaven and I know you wish that you were looking like me. Looking like me. Wish you looking like me looking like me Because I look good in leather. Don't you know I look good in leather? Everybody's looking I look good could never come and get some I look good and never I know you wanna just like me it's automatic cause it's all about me yeah, I look good in leather. Kill your friends jello look good in leather. All American looking good in leather all across the world look good in leather. All my boys and girls look good, look good in leather. Show your attitude now. Look good in leather. When you leave the house look in my direction if you don't know. How.
- [29:27]
Dixie de La Tour
Was Cody Chestnut with look good in leather? Have you ever wondered what a sexual folklorist does? Well, I like to collect the stories and the legends of people, certain group of a collective, your stories. And one of the ways I've done that is for 12 and a half years, I have done a live stage show where I take people who have unique stories and I prepare them to get on stage, I record the stories, and those stories are heard on the podcast and they're on our YouTube channel, and they're shared in other ways too. But the problem is that's a slow process. It's one story at a time. In this episode, you've heard Andy Miles Story A story about transitioning. But maybe you have a story like that too. Maybe you want to tell your story and you don't live in a city where I have a live show. So I have created a new Facebook group because it's a way for you to share your story with me. If you go to bawdy storytelling fiends and fans, it's a group on Facebook. Please join. You'll have to be approved to get inside, but once you're in, it's a perfect place to tell other people your story. The Internet can be pretty ugly. I want to create someplace for us to tell our stories, to empower others. Because hearing a story can change your life and make you braver and bolder and make you live the life you always wanted to. You might not have known you wanted to live that life until you heard someone's story and were inspired by it. So contact me on Facebook or look up Body Storytelling's Fiends and Fans Group I want this podcast in season five to be more than it's been. I want it to be more than stories that I've recorded that we're going to share on the stage podcast. I want to find a way to connect with you and hear more stories out there. Put them on stage, put them on the podcast. We're evolving right now. Evolve with us. Look for the group and if you have any trouble finding it, contact me@dixieodystorytelling.com There'll be a link in the show notes, but I'm here to help. Do you love love? How about listening to stories? Well, Audible Escape is a monthly subscription that provides unlimited listening to thousands of love stories. Stories that let the drudgery of your day to day fade into the background as you get a little happily ever after. Audible Escape now offers unlimited love story listening for just $12.95 a month and you can join and listen free for one month right now by visiting audible.comdixie D I X I E to get started. And you know you don't have to be an existing Audible member to sign up for Audible Escape. It's separate and distinct from a standard monthly Audible subscription, but if you are already an Audible or Kindle Unlimited member, Audible escape is just $6.95 a month. This is a must try for rom com fans. You get over 18,000 titles by best selling and beloved romance authors and stories that represent the lesbian, gay, bi, transgender, queer, interse and asexual experience too. I'm really excited about the coming out story keeping youg A Secret by Julianne Peters. That one might be my first download. I'm not really sure because they have a lot of really great titles. Go to audible.com Dixie Download the free Audible app and listen for free for one month. There really isn't anything like it on the market. Join Audible Escape and see where love can take you. What's that? That wasn't enough story for you? Well, we are a storytelling podcast and I am a storyteller. So let's see, I was recently on stage and usually I'm doing my job. I'm being the host. I'm holding the hands of the frightened first time storytellers. But the spirit moved me, as they like to say in church. I hear they say in church, I don't go to church. But I just felt like I needed to share a story, so I did. So I have a second story for you on this episode. Get ready for it. Your storyteller this time is me. Dixie de La Tour.
- [34:06]
Host/Storyteller (possibly Dixie or another regular host)
Do y' all like my Kentucky waterfall tonight? Yes, it's kind of hot. I usually keep it off my neck, but my hairdresser went, you have one of the most fabulous, longest mullets I've ever seen. And I'm like, you're right. I should rock it tonight, even if I'm hot. All right. What?
- [34:25]
Musical Performer (possibly Cody Chestnut)
So hot.
- [34:30]
Host/Storyteller (possibly Dixie or another regular host)
These are applause meters. If things start flagging tonight, these things are going to start bouncing and sometimes they fall out of the show, out of this thing. Somebody caught me backstage doing this and they're like, you're warming up. I'm like, some people do vocal warm ups. Jefferson Berkey does vocal warm ups. This is my warm up. So when I started body storytelling many, many years ago, I had first learned about this thing called personal narrative storytelling. I fell immediately in love with the fact that I could hear people's real stories. And I brought all the perverts together. And we were really small. We were out in Bayview at the time. And each month I'd say, we're getting together, we're telling our true dirty stories. And I have to give them a theme because you don't know where to start talking. When it comes to your sex life.
- [35:21]
Andy Miles
You could go forever.
- [35:23]
Host/Storyteller (possibly Dixie or another regular host)
So each month I send an email out to the perverts and I'd say, pervert is somebody who's sex positive, talks about sex. We're perverts. All of y' all are perverts. Congratulations. Each month I'd send an email out to the perverts and I'd Say, we're meeting here. We're meeting at this time. And our theme this month is go big or go home. And they go, ah. And I'm like, you got one for that, don't you, you fucking size queen? Okay? And I say, okay, our theme next month is bottoms. True stories of anal drinking and. Or submission. Pick one or all. And they go, ha ha ha ha ha ha. I'm like, yeah, you got one for that? So it's time to announce a theme for a show. And I just have an idea, and I send it out to the email list and I say, our theme for this month is the worst sex ever. And they go, ah. And then I start thinking about it and I'm like, well, shit. This starts out with me telling a story. Do I have a story of the worst sex I ever had? I mean, how do you. I don't know. There was that guy I fucked on Fillmore who seemed to learn from porn, and he jackhammered me so hard I.
- [36:49]
Dixie de La Tour
Couldn'T see, sit down for a week.
- [36:51]
Andy Miles
And that was bad sex.
- [36:55]
Host/Storyteller (possibly Dixie or another regular host)
But was it the worst sex I'd ever had? And there was that guy out in the sunset, and we went in his bedroom past his five roommates and made a lot of noise and fucked all over his room. And when we came out, he high fived every one of those five roommates. And that was rude. But was it the worst sex ever? So it's the day before body storytelling, and I'm stumped. I don't have a story. It's the worst feeling in the world.
- [37:28]
Dixie de La Tour
When you have to be on stage.
- [37:29]
Host/Storyteller (possibly Dixie or another regular host)
And your story is not there. And I'm sitting at work and I talk to my boss and I go, sister Mabel, syrup. I have to kick off the show tomorrow night. The theme is the worst sex ever, and I don't have a story. And she just looks at me and eyes me flatly and says, dixie, just do what you always do. Just put a fucking ad on the Internet for it. I've done that so many times. It's worked so many times. I'm like, that's a great idea. That's what I'm going to do. So go to Craigslist, my favorite place in the world. And I'm sitting there looking at the subject line and that blank. You can write anything there. And I write, worst sex ever. Want to help? I have to have terrible, terrible sex within the next 24 hours. Please respond immediately. It's imperative. I hit send, and suddenly it feels like millions of responses start pouring in. I'M watching my emails start going as new ones keep coming in. And I'm like, oh, I didn't think this through. If you have a bunch of responses, how do you decide who's going to be the worst sex? Their names were not giving me any clues. I'm looking at their opening subject line and I'm just like, okay. So I go like this. Close my eyes, I twirl my finger. I land on one and I open it. And the email says, hi, my name is Marco. I was intrigued by your ad. They are always intrigued by your ad. He said, I'm 5 10, swarthy. Here's my phone number. I've attached a pic. I hope to hear from you soon. I see that there's an attachment, and as I click on it and open it, I see that the name of the attachment is Hung jpeg. What do you think that was a picture of? What was it not his face? His dick? Are y' all scared to say dick? You're scared to say dick?
- [40:13]
Andy Miles
Really?
- [40:14]
Host/Storyteller (possibly Dixie or another regular host)
It was his dick. It was his cock. It was his peanuts. It was his John Thomas. It was his meat and chew veg. It was his groin. And I'm sitting there looking at it. It's a photo of him kind of. All I can really see is his hairy stomach. He's laying on his back. I love. They hate hair over here. Did you hear that? Laying up on his stomach. He's got a bit of a chubby stick's having kind of a good day. I look at it and I'm like, well, hung is not the word I would use. And I'm not sure what to do next. And then I start thinking about it and I go, you know what? This has all the makings of the worst sex I'm going to have. This guy right off the bat, sent me a picture of his dick with no indication it was okay. This is gonna be terrible sex. I can already. This is my guy right here. So I write him back and I said, hey, Marco, congratulations. You are the grand prize winner. I need you to send me your address. Cause I'm headed over to your house right now. But I really need you to meet me out on the street. Because for all I know, you're a serial killer. He sends me his address. I get on the 38 geary. Leaving work. Are there a lot of perverts on the 38 Geary? Learning so much tonight. Get on the 38 Geary. I get off at 15th Avenue, and when I get off the bus, there's this Guy standing there next to the bus stop. It's the first time I've ever seen him. And he's looking at me, and I'm looking at him, and he looks a little bit like a cross between a chubby Al Pacino and Marmaduke. I size him up for a minute and I go, you don't look like a serial killer. Let's go. So we walk the block back to his apartment, and on the way, he tells me that he's a senior salesman at the Nissan dealership out at Ceramonte. And y' all hate everything about this story, don't ya? I hate Saramonte. I hate Geary. I hate the 38.
- [42:40]
Dixie de La Tour
Y' all hate all of it.
- [42:41]
Host/Storyteller (possibly Dixie or another regular host)
Okay, he's telling me about his job. Pretty soon, we stand in front of this tall, beautiful Victorian apartment building. He puts his key in the front door, and he leads me into the lobby. And then he starts going up a flight of stairs. And I follow him up a flight of stairs. He turns the corner, he goes up another flight of stairs, and I'm following him, and I'm getting a little winded. And I'm like, does this building not have an elevator? And he's like, yeah, no, it's a Victorian. It doesn't have an elevator. And I'm like, what floor do you live on? He's like, I'm on the fifth floor. And I'm like, wow, you must be.
- [43:22]
Dixie de La Tour
In really good shape.
- [43:24]
Host/Storyteller (possibly Dixie or another regular host)
And he says, yeah, I was an athlete in high school. And I said, well, I was not an athlete in high school, and it's going to take me a little while, so why don't you just head on up and I'll see you when I see you. I'm huffing and puffing, stopping on every flight, and when I get to the fifth floor, I look down the hall and there's a door open at the end of the hall, and I can hear thumpy music coming out of it. And I'm like, that's gotta be the place. I walk into the room and it's a really tiny studio. All this in the studio is this bookcase with a ton of books. There's a wooden futon that opens out into a bed.
- [44:19]
Dixie de La Tour
It's conveniently already done.
- [44:20]
Host/Storyteller (possibly Dixie or another regular host)
That and a TV set that is playing Speed Racer, the movie. You guys are perverts. Has anybody ever heard the soundtrack for From Speed Racer the movie? It's like. And it sounds like sex. It really sounds like sex. And I'm like, that's an interesting choice. Then I start thinking about it, and I'm like, well, Marco's probably just a really polite guy. He was afraid he'd put me off if he put porn on as a soundtrack. So he went second best thing, which is Speed Racer, the movie. That was very considerate of him. I walk in, I sit down on the wooden futon, which is open to a bed. I put my purse down, and he stands in the middle of the room. And I said, could you turn Speed Racer down a little bit? He turns it down, and then he's just standing in front of me in the middle of the room. And it's that awkward thing where you don't know how to initiate the worst.
- [45:25]
Dixie de La Tour
Sex you've ever had.
- [45:30]
Host/Storyteller (possibly Dixie or another regular host)
And I'm just sitting there going, huh? And he's standing in the middle of the room, and he finally goes, so, do you want to see it? And there are two voices in my head at that moment, and one of them is Dixie, going, oh, motherfucker, you need to get over yourself right now. And the other one is someone who needs a story in less than 24 hours. And she says, yeah. So he hikes down his pants, he undoes his buckle, he pulls his pants down, he drops them to around his knees, which is a really good look. Stick's just there. It has no real feeling about what's going on at this moment. I'm looking at it, he's looking at me. He gets a little Vanna White flourish. He says, so, what do you think? And I say, impressive. Let's go. I reach into my purse, I pull out a condom, packet of lube, give it to him, get on my hands and knees on this rickety wooden futon with my face pointed out the window.
- [47:02]
Dixie de La Tour
In this very tiny studio apartment.
- [47:06]
Host/Storyteller (possibly Dixie or another regular host)
He slides on the condom. After he gets a hard on, he uses a ton of lube. And then he gets behind me on the futon, shaking like that. He comes to slide in behind me. He puts his stick in about a quarter of an inch, and he stops and he says, are you okay? Yeah, I'm okay. He cautiously proceeds. He moves in about another quarter of an inch, and he goes, are you okay? And I'm like, I don't know who told him he has the biggest dick in the world, but he bought that shit hook, line and sinker. He just keeps sliding a little bit. Are you okay? And I'm fine. I'm fine. And in his back and forth as he's moving so cautiously, at a certain point, it slides out of my pussy and slides into My ass, there's so much lube. And he goes, are you okay? I'm like, I'm fine, but you shouldn't go back and forth between my two holes, so you should just stay back there. He's like, what? He can't believe anybody can take this monster in their ass. So if I was being driven crazy before and now it's like 8th of an inch. Are you okay? Oh my God, are you okay? And I'm like, I'm gonna be on this motherfucking futon in 24 hours when I'm supposed to be telling this actual story. So at a certain point, I just decide it's time to take matters into my own hands. So as he starts to move in and ask me one more time, I go, bam. And I slam his dick all the way to the hilt in my ass. And from behind me, I hear a high pitched scream. He slumps onto the my back. I'm now supporting both our weight on this rickety flute. I'm pretty much. My face is pretty close to the glass and I don't know what's happening on my back. I can't see what's going on. I'm waiting for a clue. I mean, I think he came, but I can't really tell. And eventually he just moves out of me. And before I can turn around, he goes into the bathroom behind me and shuts the door. And then I hear the shower turn.
- [49:53]
Andy Miles
On.
- [49:56]
Host/Storyteller (possibly Dixie or another regular host)
And I sit back down. Speed racers playing on the tv. And I mean, is it over? How do you know when the worst sex you ever had is over? An eternity later, I hear the shower turn off. I'm sitting there leaking lube onto his futon cover. And eventually he comes out of the bathroom and he leans into the door frame and he stands there. And I'm like, are we done? And he's like, so I need to tell you that when you did that thing where you reared back on me, I pulled a hamstring. I am in excruciating pain right now. So this means you're not gonna walk me down them five flights of stairs. Then she says, no, put my clothes back on. I give them a handshake, porno style. And as I head down those stairs at Marco's house, it occurs to me, you know, I didn't really specify who the worst sex was going to be for, did I? That's my story.
- [51:42]
Dixie de La Tour
Let's talk about upcoming live shows for bawdy storytelling. That's right, live shows where you can have cocktails with dirty names. Where you can sit next to people and make new friends when you can play Bango and win prizes. We have new prize sponsors coming soon. And yeah, it's Body Live in some brand new cities. If you stick around to the very end of the upcoming show's announcements, I'm going to tell you how you can get on stage at Bodi Storytelling. Because guess what? Every single one of the shows that I'm about to announce, I'm still taking story pitches for. So you ready? Here we go. A brand new show just announced on September 11th in Chicago. Bawdi Storytelling Live is going to be at Avondale Music hall in Chicago on September 18th. Another brand new show is in New York at the Chelsea Music hall on September 25th. I'm back in Seattle. The theme is Hurt so good, you perverts. I can't wait to hear your kinky stories. Speaking of Kinky, on September 29th in San Francisco, we are doing a Folsom Street Fair Kinktacular. I've got people flying in from other cities, some of them from Europe, who are coming in for Body Storytelling and Folsom Street Fair. It's two great tastes that taste great together. And it's going to feature, get ready for this. Melaina Williams Haas, who is best of Body storytelling every single time. She lives in New York, I'm in San Francisco. But she's decided she is flying in with her partner Georg Hus, and she's gonna be on stage at Bawdy after Folsom Street Fair telling a brand new story. She's got something really special planned for us. Our musical act that night is going to be the incomparable Rachel Lark. And we're gonna have our games like ok, Pervert and Sniff Test and of course, Bango. And that night we're going to announce the winner of our Win a Sibian Raffle contest. The Sabian is going to be there until we give it away to a new winner. And I hope you're going to be there with us too. You can get tickets for all of these events@bodystorytelling.com I will have a link in the show notes. And maybe you want us in a city near you, but I didn't include it on that list. Just go to bawdistorytelling.com testtickle and you'll see a way for you to vote for the city near you. Your vote tells me where to go next. Go to the Testicle, vote for your cities and we'll be in your city soon. One final thing here's how to pitch me for Body Storytelling at any of the shows that I just mentioned in Chicago, New York, Seattle, or San Francisco. Make a voice memo of you telling the story really easy to do with your phone. Take that voice memo attachment and send it via email to me. It's really smart if you put the name of the city that you're pitching me for, because that's going to help a lot. You are going to send that message and I'd love to have your words in there too, but you know, it's up to you. Send it to dixieaudistorytelling.com I can't wait to hear your story. So you've been waiting a little while. I'm not sure you're going to notice the difference, but did you notice anything different about this episode? Well, for one thing, it's got more than one story. It's got new content. We're creating new things for the Body Storytelling Podcast and for the live show, and that's what I hope to do with your support on Patreon. If you go to patreon.com bodi and you support us at whatever level you can, then you can help us make bigger episodes. You can help us cover the extra editing cost. You can help us with the music rights that we pay for. All those things and more are possible. If you support this thing you love that you're listening to right now. Go to P a t r e o-com body b a w D Y Give it whatever level you can and you're helping us grow. Thank you in advance for your support. Oh, it's over. It's time to say thank you. Thank you to podcast producer Marty Garcia, to sound engineer David Grossoff, to project manager Dana Hanna, to video archivist and all around great guy Joe Moore. Thank you to you. Thank you for listening. You know, the thing that could change everything for Body Storytelling and for me is if you share this podcast with just one friend or you go on to a place where you write your podcast reviews and write some words to let other people know that they're busy. But body storytelling is worth their time. We've won a few more Best of Podcast awards during the hiatus, and I'm so proud of that. But what really matters is that your friends are listening and tuning in and thinking about stories. I am sexual folklorist Dixie de La Tour. This has been episode 84. What it's Season 5 of the Body Storytelling Podcast. Here's a peek at what's next and.
- [57:13]
Andy Miles
She shares a story about how she's, like, just recently gone to this party dressed in. In nothing but glitter on her nipples.
- [57:22]
Host/Storyteller (possibly Dixie or another regular host)
And so immediately I'm like, well, I.
- [57:24]
Andy Miles
Mean, that's what we're calling you, right? Your glitter nips from here on out.