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Bawdy Storytelling
Episode 89: ‘Eunuch’ (Nichi Hodgson)
00:32:42
Oh the Irony! You get hired for a private session by a dreamy David Bowie lookalike - and then they just want you to cut their dick off. BBC broadcaster and Author Nichi Hodgson is making her rent the way few underpaid journalists can: by...
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Transcript31 lines
- [00:01]
Dixie De La Tour
The podcast episode you're about to listen to was created especially for you, a consenting adult, because this podcast is explicit and graphic. So you on board?
- [00:13]
Nikki Hodgson
Consent.
- [00:13]
Dixie De La Tour
Consent. Consent. Consent. Okay, let's do it.
- [00:24]
Vagina Song Performer
All of my life I've never fit But I won't complain and I won't quit I am enormous.
- [00:34]
Eunuch's Lament Singer
Get used to it.
- [00:39]
Vagina Song Performer
Everyone tells me I'm too much maybe it's just you're not enough for me can't you see I'm the kind of woman I'm supposed to be? Hey, my vagina is eight miles wide. Absolutely everyone can come inside. If you're ever frightened, just run and hide. My vagina is eight miles.
- [01:18]
Dixie De La Tour
Hi there and welcome to the Bodi Storytelling Podcast. I am Sexual Folklorist Dixie Delator, and This is episode 89. Hi there, pervert. How you doing? I hope you're well. I wanted to let people know that if you are a storyteller who has pitched me a story for one of the upcoming shows in our five city tour, that I am listening to story pitches right now and starting to get back to a few people. So just be patient. Hang on, I'll be back to you soon with some feedback. I just wanted to say that for the people who are probably waiting to know whether they're going to be on stage at Bawdi Storytelling in one of our upcoming cities. But the thing I really want to talk to you about this week is the test tickle. Because this is the last week of the test tickle. As a backstory, let me explain the testicle to you. Once upon a time, I found it impossible to figure out what city to bring body to. I would have ravenous fans who would say, oh my God, if you came to our city, you have no idea how popular this thing would be. And then I'd get there and it would be those people. But not enough to be able to pay for the plane, plane tickets and the venue rental and all of those things. And so it's been a total crapshoot. And then I came up with the idea for letting you guys tell me where to take the show by voting. If you buy a ticket to a show in that city, you have cast your vote. One ticket purchase equals one vote. And I figured if I got like 50 votes in a city, then that meant that that was a viable city because we didn't even have a date for the show yet. We didn't have a venue. We just had passionate fans who really wanted to come to a live Body Storytelling. My podcast producer, Marty Garcia, named it the Test Tickle because it sounds like testicle and that's his sense of humor, which is obviously your sense of humor because I've had a lot of people laugh about that. So we named it, we put it out there and we've confirmed several cities. But this week is the last week, so I've noticed that you start to vote on cities when I talk about those cities. So I'm going to talk about the cities that are up for the testicle this time. I'm going to say the names of cities. You're going to hear the name of your city. You are going to go to bodystorytelling.com testtickle and you're going to vote for your city because we're in the final stretch. Okay, Testicle cities that are going on here are our cities. Denver, Atlanta, Cleveland, Dallas, Washington D.C. las Vegas, Boston, Minneapolis, Philadelphia. We've already confirmed through the testicle, Chicago, New York and Los Angeles. I can tell you right Now, Boston, Washington, D.C. philadelphia and Atlanta are currently leading the pack. But that doesn't mean a damn thing. If you contact your friends and say, I love this show, I want to go to this show, I want to play Bango. I want to sit there and listen to filthy stories with people just like me and not feel like I'm the only one. Then you and your friends can get together, you can vote, and you can change everything. None of these cities have hit the magic number of 50 ticket chat. So nothing is confirmed. And I really want to confirm at least one more more city. At least one more. So the deadline for this is this Monday night, September 23rd. That's the first day of fall. I've decided it's kind of a fall tour. I should make that the deadline. So go to bodystorytelling.com testtickle and you can tell me where to go next. This, this whole thing is a leap of faith. And I have faith that you want to go to a live Body Storytelling. We can hang out together. Alright, let's do it. Don't forget, I want you to send me a recording of you telling me what you like about the Body Storytelling podcast. It's really important that I hear your voice and I am collecting audio recordings for a special project, but I need them soon. I've gotten several this week and it's so much more real. It's like I'm connecting with you when I get to hear what's going on in your life and hear a little bit of your story. But this is our point of connection. This podcast. So I want to hear what you think about Bodi. If you don't know how to do a voice memo, it's simple. You have a phone that is capable of doing this. You go to the voice memo function, you hit record and you talk to me. Just tell me what you're thinking. And then you take that, you hit upload and you forward it to an email address, which is dixieaudistorytelling.com send it as soon as you can. And pretty soon you're going to have your earbuds in and your own voice is going to be coming out. Isn't that going to be weird? That's going to be weird. Let's go for weird. I am so excited about the story that I have for you this episode because recently I was going through the backlog of stories that I have from so many years. And as I went through the anals, I mean, the annals of, of our many, many stories, I stumbled upon this incredible story from our six year anniversary show. And you know, we're going on 13, so that's a while back. And it's also pretty close to how long it's been since we've had her in San Francisco because she's moved away. And let me tell you about our storyteller. Nikki Hodgson is a journalist, broadcaster and author living in London. She is a regular contributor to the Guardian, the Telegraph and the BBC on sexual politics, technology, health and dating. Nikki is a regular commentator on BBC Radio 2's and Channel 5's the Jeremy Vine Show, BBC R4, Women's Hour and BBC World Service, and has written and presented two documentaries for BBC Radio. She reviews the papers and comments regularly for Sky News and makes frequent appearances in TV documentaries and debates on relationships, technology and society. Recent credits include Newsnight and the Big Questions. She is the author of Bound to youo, which she wrote in six weeks. And her latest book, the Curious History of Dating From Jane Austen to Tinder, is published by Little Brown. That last book, you can also get an audiobook and once you hear her voice, you're gonna want to get that book on Audiobook. This storyteller is Nicky Hodgson.
- [08:10]
Nikki Hodgson
Yeah, yeah, that's fine. All right. You're gonna have to manage my accent. I hope that's okay. I've been told up in rehearsal, but here we go. Well, so where to begin? So he arrives at my house and he opens his very large leather briefcase and he slides it out. It's as big as a thesis. He puts it in my hands and I start to rifle through this dossier, this dossier that I've already been told about. It's a collection of hundreds of accounts, of newspaper reports of women having cut off their partner's penises in fits of apoplexy. And he gives it to me as he's told me he's going to. And I check that I've got the scissors right there on the table next to us. He wants to, of course, then enact, play pinectomy after I've read this material to him to stimulate him and, you know, we're all good to go. And I look at his face, face, and he's there and he's quivering and I just think, this is going to be a good night at work. So I've been a dominatrix for about four or five years. I mean, I'm not really a dominatrix. I'm really not. I mean, obviously I don't look like one, but I don't switch, so don't fucking ask me. But really, I'm a journalist. Like, I actually am a journalist. Like, I work for BBC and Sky News and things like that, and I go and explain, like, France and Mali and other shit that I don't really understand and I'm sure the viewers don't, but that's what I actually do do for a real job. But the only problem is I never get really paid for it. So, you know, I'd done all that feminist gender studies bollocks at university, so I thought, well, I'm down with the sex work thing, I can do it, I'll try it out. I need to put my mouth where the money is, so to speak. So I try escorting a couple of times, but.
- [10:09]
Dixie De La Tour
But.
- [10:10]
Nikki Hodgson
Jesus Christ, it's so boring. I mean, like pussy and cock, cocky and pussy and. Look, this isn't an ideological thing, don't get me wrong. But I decide I would be better using my education if I became a dominatrix instead. So that's what I did. And it was a better use of my education, actually. But even that got boring, you know, I mean, all the clients are different and yet entirely the same. So it's, please, mistress, I just want you to get, like a fucking carrot and just jab it up my backside and then ride me like a little bitch around the room. Or please, mistress, I just want you to get your nastiest, hottest, bestest friends and make them take my clothes off and just reduce me to nothing but a small penis. I've heard it all, honestly. Well, I thought I'd heard it all that's the thing. So when I get this email from this very polite sounding, eloquent young man asking if I'll enact this scissor play with him and read all this material to him, I think, oh, why the hell not? Especially because it's December 27th, you know, that time of year. That's when, you know between Christmas and New Year, when Christmas is just desperate for New Year and New Year is completely contemptuous of Christmas and you're poor and fat and there's nothing else to do. I know, you know, it's.
- [11:33]
Dixie De La Tour
So.
- [11:36]
Nikki Hodgson
I decided, okay, I'm going to see him. What else am I going to do? We arrange. He's going to come for 8 o' clock and bring his dossier. And I just think, oh, whatever, another freak. Carry on, whatever. So he appears at my door and my God, at that moment, I think there is a God. Because imagine David Bowie in Labyrinth without the wig and the frock coat, crossed with Jonathan Rees Myers, plus just a smidgen of Victorian street urchin. And this is the most beautiful man that I've ever seen. And he's there at my door as a client. I just, I don't know what to do. I'm just kind of like lavishing my eyes over his magnificent form. Just going down from his this kind of cobalt blue eyes that he has, down his perfect planes of cheekbones, down his clavicle, down the wool coat and noticing there's the briefcase, as he'd told me. So come in, Sebastian, he's called Sebastian. And he crosses my threshold. We go into the bedroom and I tell him to take his clothes off. Well, I actually say, you're wearing too many clothes, which is what I say to all of them. But this time I really, really mean it. So he starts to undress and he's like some kind of veined pansy, glowing in the light. I mean, just has the most delicious body. I've never seen anything like it. And the thing is like, you know, the guys that normally come to me are sort of 40, 50 somethings, like with cracked heels and kind of like burgeoning paunch and they think they're hot. They think that what we're doing is hot for both of us. And it never is. Like, it really isn't. Because like I said, I'm not really a dominatrix. I'm just good at playing it. And the problem now that I have is that, yes, I'm not really a dominatrix and I just want you to spank me or something. Like, how am I gonna hold this shit together? But I'm gonna have to because it's my job, isn't it? Safe, sane and consensual. That's it. I can do this. I can give this man what he wants and then if. He's a freak, isn't he? He's a freak. How can he be a freak when he's so freaking hot? But apparently he is. And so I ask him if he wants a glass of water or anything and he says no. And then I think, oh, he sounds like he's got an American accent. West coast maybe. Where are you from, Sebastian? Oh, San Francisco. San Francisco. You have to understand, San Franciscans, that when you get one of you in London town with one of us, we think we're in for like the whole hottest, filthiest, nastiest, most fucked up night of our lives. Your reputation precedes you. So I think my fucking San Francisco.
- [14:28]
Sebastian
What am I gonna do with this man?
- [14:30]
Nikki Hodgson
I gotta get it together, okay? I can't. No, he's. No, what am I saying? He can't dominate me. I've got to dominate him, right? Just get on with it. So I decided I'm going to get on with it. So I have the dossier in front of me and I start going through the material and he's asked me just to respond in any way I see fit to the content therein. So I start to read it and like I said, it's just a catalogue of stories of women cutting their partner's penises off. Normally when the men have cheated, but sometimes just for random reasons, like dishes done inadequately and that kind of thing. And, and there is a particular concentration of these women in Thailand for some reason. So my first thought, being educated in that way that I mentioned earlier, is that this is clearly evidence of a kind of post feminist, post colonial situation going on where the women are so frustrated about the fact that these Americans have come over and like fucked their daughters for a couple of dollars and sold their sisters to be Thai brides. They're taking it out on their own men, clearly, obviously, right? And so I say this to him and he's like, uh huh. Yeah, that sounds just like it. Uh huh, that's perfect. And I'm thinking, wow, he's kind of smart, this guy. Do you have a PhD, Sebastian? Uh huh. Yeah, I really do. Just carry on. Talk to me. Tell me it. Talk to me. So I carry on reading these stories to him. Oh, look, have you heard about this one? Can you believe it? This Fucker ran off with her sister and was keeping two households going at the same time. And all the money was going between them.
- [15:57]
Sebastian
God, what a cunt.
- [15:57]
Nikki Hodgson
I would have fucking cut his penis off, too. Don't you think he deserved to lose his penis, Sebastian?
- [16:01]
Sebastian
Yeah, I really do. Like, maybe you could show me what it would be like.
- [16:05]
Nikki Hodgson
So I like, I fight, okay? That's my job, right? So I get the scissors and I've got to do this. And I put the scissors. Well, no, first I grab hold of his balls and put the scissors round the base of his shaft and clamp very gently. I mean, they're not sharp. They're only kitchen scissors. And so he. He begins to. To just like.
- [16:25]
Sebastian
Oh, yeah, I just. I can't bear to lose my penis.
- [16:27]
Nikki Hodgson
I know, because I'm the worst thing ever. Wouldn't it be Sebastian? Imagine what kind of man you'd be then. You wouldn't be any man, would you? You'd be no good to anyone. Would you? You narcissistic little cunt. Ah. It's over so quickly. And there's cum everywhere, glinting on the scissor blades. I'm quite satisfied with myself. I mean, my Jesus Christ man is so hot. So, in fact, that was nearly sexy, I think to myself. So he stays for three more hours and we talk about all manner of things. I don't know what we talk about. David Bowie, maybe I don't mention the lookalike on cats and that kind of stuff. And he leaves. And the next morning, I ring my friend and I say, gina, oh my.
- [17:08]
Sebastian
God, I've met the most incredible man. Like, he's a client of mine and he's into scissor sex.
- [17:14]
Nikki Hodgson
And she goes, great, and leads me to it. And for the next couple of months, I date this man. And he is beyond fuckery. He is the most fucked up fuck I have ever met in my entire life. He starts to dominate me. I get my due, fine. But the problem is that I'm falling heart wrenchingly, unerringly in love with this person. And he doesn't give a shit about me. He's just using me. Because what's he got? He's got a dominatrix for free, right? Jesus Christ. His sex worker rang him up and was like, hey, do you want to go out sometime? And it's not £200 anymore, so of course he says yes. So, you know, a couple of months pass and I'm just like. My heart is literally just like splitting in two because he doesn't give A shit. And normally when we go on a date, he'll tell me about all the beautiful women in the room or like, talk to me about the ones that he's fucked or the ones that he wants to like. And they're always dark haired and sort of pointy and like Indian or Arabic or something that I'm just never going to be. Like, Queen Rhaenyra Jordan is his favorite. And to be honest, like, come on, look, I'm bisexual and I'm fucking. Like, I'm an orientalist pussy muncher as well. But like, the point is that I, you know, like, I mean, I've got Lahore.com on my bookmarks. Look it up. But the point is that, like, I just, I can't be this thing that he wants me to be. Well, I can't even be it. He doesn't want me to be it. So I'm just kind of paralyzed with misery when he starts to go on about laying Queen Rhaenyra down by candlelight. She doesn't fucking like scissor sex, Sebastian, I always say to him.
- [18:42]
Sebastian
But.
- [18:45]
Nikki Hodgson
This doesn't seem to matter to her, to him or to her in his mind anyway. So I just decide, well, what am I going to do? How am I going to make this man fall in love with me? I know I'm going to give him his ultimate fantasy. So the next day I go to the hardware store, I'm scanning the aisles, I'm gonna see it when I. Yep, there we go. And I go to the scissors section and there we have them. Poultry scissors. Have you ever seen these before? I know you know what they are. They have these immense blades like this and a beautiful safety catch which makes a horrible kind of wrenching sound when you take it off. And I just think, here you go, baby, happy birthday. Even if it is your birthday or whatever. So I ring him up, I arrange to meet him and I get to his house and I've wrapped the scissors up in some nice white paper and a red ribbon, which I thought was appropriate. And I hand them to him and he's like, what's this? And so I'm like, yeah, go on up. It's a nice little present for you. And he opens it and he just gulps, like, visibly gulps. Are you ready for this, Sebastian? I'm going to give you what you want. What are you talking about? You know what you fucking want, you twat. You've made me so fucking miserable and now you're going to get your due. So we begin to Play. But he's kind of like getting hot and he's in a kind of like cold sweat. I can see it in him. And, you know, this is just how it's going to be. So I grab him by the balls and put the scissors right round there and they really are sharp and nasty and kind of squeeze a little bit like that. And he's kind of like. He can't help himself. He's just like gyrating against the blades even now. Like, he's that much of a fucked up fuck.
- [20:27]
Sebastian
Why? Why, why, Nikki? Why do you have to do this to me? Like, what have I done to you? Like, why do you have to do this to me? Why do you hate me so much?
- [20:34]
Nikki Hodgson
And I just want to shout. I don't fucking hate you, twi. I fucking love you. And this is why I'm doing it for you. Can you not see the irony in this horrible situation that we're. But he can't. So we carry on. And I just keep telling him, like, you know, this is. This is all yours, is everything you ever wanted. Right here, right now, Sebastian. And I just grip a little bit tighter and then there's blood. Yeah, there's blood. And I just take my hand off and grip a little bit more and. Well, I don't cut his cock off, obviously, do I? Come on. You think I'd be here now? I mean, I have thought about pulling a big fraud to go to prison to write my novel, but, I mean, this is. And I'd be some kind of weird feminist superhero. A bit like Valerie. What's that woman called? Yeah, I'm not going to mention her, but you know who I'm talking about. Anyway, so I decide, no, I'm not going to do that. And so instead I write a book about him and I get my revenge that way. And then a couple of months later, I come to San Francisco to lay his ghost to rest. That's what I've told myself. And really to get myself laid as well. It always helps, right? But I do get myself laid with a very nice young man who's from Orange County. And he takes me out and he takes me somewhere around here. We fuck on the roof a number of times. And I've never found it since. But anyway, I'm still here with him now, so it's all good. But he tells me at the end of the night that he's got a fetish. And I think, oh, God, here we go. And he says, yeah, I've got this fetish and I can't really talk to anyone about it. And I'm like, okay, because I've already said that my sex worker, blah blah blah. Everybody thinks they can confess everything to me and I'll do it for them. And I say it's fine, just go on. I just think I have to brace myself another one off the list or whatever. And he just goes, I like feet. Feet, feet. Is that all? Because I tell you, you something. I'm no Queen Rania, but I have got perfect feet.
- [23:07]
Eunuch's Lament Singer
I am a unique breathing true. I am a unique through and through. With Nanny. Nanny. Hi, Nanny Boo. Oh. In this life I've had no fun I've had no gun to bang the buns With a head A toodle shooter high A dangler banger hey too dirt I bang a rule oh I have no ding to dong the queen I have no use for the latrine With a hay zipper A dipper zappa dapper easy but I never do oh, as a lover I am a flop I've never heard a cherry pop with a head A piggy wheeler hat A fanny squasher biggie I squasheroo the cool queen is hot but I am not for long ago my wad was shot with a head Blippa nippa blippa wa.
- [24:28]
Nikki Hodgson
I.
- [24:29]
Eunuch's Lament Singer
Wet the woo oh, the clocks go tick, the bells go bong I'd give my arm for an 8 inch Wong with a hair warm a bomber I want the banger ears I begaroo I am a sexless shepherd bred I'll never prod where others tread With a head a goosea mucha high a gander masha hoosa I masheroom oh, the plums of Italy will never peel their bush for me with hay I mean oh, my feet are flat and not only that I've got no balls to beat the bat with Eh, stupid toodle high bladder baggers egg strudel I beg a roo My nose blows like an elephant's snout Foliage were my trouser trowel With a hay A wiener peeler high tailor nailer hey wiener I name the rule oh, the dames go chit the dames go chat I cannot wipe their welcome mats with hay squeezer neezer Use your imagination Here John de linger had a 12 inch brick it's fellers like him who make mistake With a super drooper I party pooper super hydro Purdue. Well, the time has come to bid good riddance Till the eunuch makes his next appearance With a hay Fuck you, I fuck you and I mean that with all my heart on fuck you in your big wazoo.
- [26:56]
Dixie De La Tour
That song was the Eunuch's Lament by David Massengill, Jack Hardy, Jeff Hardy and Peter Tork. I've just created a bunch of brand new rewards for our Patreon supporters and I want to seduce you into joining us on this mission too. We have changed the world by giving people a place to tell their story. We need your help to keep this podcast going and we've got some great rewards for you as thank yous. We've got new rewards like ad free episodes. We've been doing that a couple weeks now. We've got reserved tickets to live body storytelling shows, story coaching sessions, me, you in a group or private session. I can even create a special body storytelling just for you and your friends. A special live show. And when we hit our next patron goal, I'm going to do an ama an ask me anything and you'll be invited to it. And when we hit our next financial goal, I'll create longer story packed episodes of this podcast. You know that you love this thing because you're listening to it right now. This is your chance to change people's lives and to support something you believe in. You are the final piece of to the puzzle. It's all coming together and all we're missing is you. So go to patreon.com bawdy that's spelled P-A-T-R-E-O-N.com check out the new Patreon rewards. Choose a level to support us at. Click it and be part of the family. Thanks in advance for your help. You and me sipping a unicorn's butthole playing bango. You hand me your card, I'll hand you mine. We'll answer questions for each other and who knows, you might win a giant prize package from kink.com. that's what happens at a live body storytelling. And now I'm gonna tell you about upcoming shows and where you can come see us on Wednesday, September 25th in Seattle. The theme is Hurts so good. That's at the rebar Seattle. And that's next week, y'. All. So if you don't have your tickets yet for Seattle, do it as soon as possible. This is my first show back since July. Holy shit. Sunday, September 29th. We are holding a special post Folsom Street Fair show. It has Melena Williams Haas flying in from New York. It's got musical wunderkind. Is that a word that people from the south should say? Probably not. She's amazing. We've got Rachel Lark as our musical act. We have incredible storytellers for this one. Plus we're bringing out the games. You can win a Sibian. There's so much going on in this show and I can tell you we're getting really close to sold out in this show. So if you're gonna get your tickets, I advise you to get reserved seating because you're gonna be walking around at Folsom Street Fair all day and you're gonna want a chair for your butt. So get reserved right up front. Something special is gonna happen at that show. Lets talk about the cities that were brought to you by the testicle. On Thursday, October 3rd, Bawdy Storytelling returns to Los Angeles. That show is going to be at Busby's east on Wilshire and tickets are selling fast for that one too. Friday, October 18th in Chicago we are doing a show. It's been years since we've been to Chicago. We are going to Avondale Music Hall. Tickets are available on ETIX and of course they're on the Body Storytelling website. And then on Wednesday, October 30th in New York at Chelsea Music hall, we are doing a show in New York and it has been way too long. You voted. You told us you want us there. And it's the night before Halloween, so feel free to wear a costume. Tickets for all of these shows are on our website and you can look in the show notes for this episode to find links. And if you want to pitch me a story for any of those shows, send a voice memo recording of you telling the whole story to dixieoddystorytelling.com be sure to let me know what city you're pitching for. I can't wait to hear your story. Oh man, it's over. You know, if you liked this episode, if you like any of the episodes, if you have feedback for me, constructive criticism, I want to hear it on social media. Everything is in the show. Notes for how to contact us. I want to know what you think. Emails to me are even better. Dixieodistorytelling.com because podcasting for me is a conversation. It's not me talking into a microphone while my Saint Bernard stares at me like I'm nuts. It makes me self conscious. So I want to hear from you. Thanks in advance for doing that. For for reviewing us. For telling a friend all of the things that I ask you for every single episode. Let's say thank you. Thank you to podcast producer Marty Garcia. Holy shit, isn't he amazing? Thank you to sound engineer David Grossoff to video archivist Joe Moore to project manager Dana Hannah. Thanks to you. Thanks for listening. We'll be back really soon with the next episode of the body storytelling podcast. I'm sexual folklorist Dixie de La Tour, and here's a peek at what's next.
- [32:14]
Unidentified Narrator
Then I got really horny after a couple weeks because I wasn't getting laid anymore, and I decided to get out of bed, go take a shower, walk outside with some lowered standards, and slowly form a small harem of lovers.