Transcript
Dixie de La Tour (0:01)
The podcast you're about to listen to. Well, you know how I normally tell you that this is graphic and explicit? Well, this week's episode has so much butthole in it. You are gonna make sure that you turn this off if there's anybody around who ain't ready for it, because I'm telling you, this is the one you need a disclaimer. This podcast is going to be graphic and explicit. There you go. You have been warned. All of my life, I've never fit.
Matt Horne (0:37)
But I won't complain and I won't quit.
Dixie de La Tour (0:41)
I am enormous.
Matt Horne (0:43)
Get used to it.
Dixie de La Tour (0:48)
Everyone tells me I'm too much. Maybe it's just you're not enough for me.
Jefferson Berkey (0:57)
You see, I'm the kind of woman I'm supposed to be. Hey, my vagina is eight miles wide. Absolutely everyone can come inside.
Dixie de La Tour (1:12)
If you're ever frightened, just run and hide. My vagina is eight miles. Why? Why? Hi there, and welcome to the Body Storytelling Podcast. I am sexual folklorist Dixie de La Tour, and This is episode 96 of the podcast. Isn't it amazing how much can happen in a week? I talked to you a week ago, and I can't even remember where I left off. So I like to tell you what's going on in my life, the stories I get pitched, the things that make it all worthwhile. And last week, I got to tell you about how, for the first time in almost 13 years, I missed my own show because I was in the hospital and I had a cancer scare. And so far, they think it's not cancer. I don't think that's the ultimate answer, but that's the right now answer. And so I missed show. Eight of 11 shows in 10 weeks in five cities. So I guess that makes me 10 in 10 weeks, huh? Since I missed one. But while I was in the hospital fighting with the doctor who wanted me to know that it was probably cancer, you know, doctor number one, the evil doctor in my book, he told me I couldn't travel. He's like, you can't fly. And I'm like, but I have to. I have a show in New York this week. And he's like, you.
Jefferson Berkey (2:46)
You.
Dixie de La Tour (2:46)
You can't fly. So I fought and I fought with him, and I fought with the next two doctors, the good doctors, who told me that it didn't look like it was cancer, and it didn't appear that I had a perforated colon, which means I could fly. And so I pushed really hard to get a yes, and I got a yes. But I didn't stop to think about whether I could actually do it. I just wanted to be able to. And as I was starting to pack my suitcase, I just went, oh, maybe, maybe I can't do this. I mean, I was really low energy, I was in pain. It was really difficult. Getting on a plane was scary when you feel that bad. And it was a long flight. And by the time I got to Brooklyn to stay at my friend Robin's house, I was completely knocked out and I didn't know how I was gonna do it. I was planning on telling a new story at that show and I'd been working on it and I didn't know how I was gonna make any sense at all because my brain didn't seem to be able to hold on to things. You know how it is when you feel sick. I was really scared. Like, what happens if I stand up to the microphone and I fall down? What happens if, like, I run the whole thing? What if I can't run it? I don't have a backup in this city. I found April Kidwell in San Francisco, but I don't have anybody in New York. And can I tell you that the sex positive community in New York City. Fuck yeah. Oh, my God. Melaina Williams Haas, which you may know as one of our best of body storytellers, year after year, who lives in New York and was going to be in my New York show, texted me day of show and said, girl, how you doing? And I'm like, I'm not doing good. I'm not really sure how I'm going to get through this. And Melena reminded me that I have a community that wants to help my timekeeper for the show. It was Sarah dying. She just did a TEDx about me, the story that I told on stage in Brooklyn last year and about community, how the community came together in that room. There's a TedX about me, you guys. She had volunteered to be my timekeeper for the night. And Melana was like, you have to ask for help. So I said, sarah, can you make the timekeeping signs? I can't. I can't really do that right now. I started asking people to help me. I had asked Dirty Lola of Sex editgogo, this great sex positive show in New York, to run the bango table for me. And Melina contacted Dirty Lola and said, can you tell a story, a short one, so that Dixie doesn't have to try and tell a story and be host and do everything at this show. And so in addition to running Bango and helping me give out prizes and set up and break down and all the other things. Jody Lola stepped in and told this great story, made the room laugh. Such a natural. Didn't have any coaching. Just got up there and wowed us with her life. Kevin Allison from the Risk podcast was in the show and kind of wove together a few stories for the very first time and got so many laughs. People were blown away by him. Melaina Williams Haas told a story. Every story she tells is slightly different depending on what's going on with her life, and was really moving. We also had sex therapists, like Australia's number one sex therapist who's moved to New York, Cindy Darnell. We took her bawdy storytelling cherry. I coached her while I wasn't feeling very well day of show, and she just blew us away. Peter Feliciano, who is a Bay Area musician who just moved to New York, we were his very first show in New York. He gave us the music we needed to get through the night. People played Bango, and at the end of the night, there was this really long, long line of people waiting to take selfies with me. People who traveled from Israel. Like, we had a whole passel of people who had traveled from Israel. It seemed like people who had come a long way to be at our only east coast show to get a selfie with me to tell me how much this podcast meant to them. They cried, we hugged each other, and, you know, I got a lot of energy from them. People kept coming up to me and going, this show is amazing. I was thinking, oh, my God, you're not getting my best work here tonight. I'm probably less than 20%. Like, my battery is not fully charged. You're getting very low energy. And they were still going. I've never seen anything like this show. I tell you guys all the time, the live show is a completely different thing. And they were impressed, which made me feel good about what I was doing. I got through it, and I laid in bed all the next day, and people sent me messages and texts, and I didn't reply to any of them. I just laid there and said, I'm gonna recuperate before I get on a plane on Friday. And then I got home and I got back to work because, you know, that was show nine in New York of 11 shows in 10 weeks in five cities. And this week, I'm headed to Seattle. And before we get to the story on this episode, I want to kind of give you a little bit of, you know, history on what you're gonna hear this week I have a story that is one that I've been saving for a while and it's because this week is a very personal week for me in addition to all the health problems and somehow last week's episode with Crystal Crow, that was the plan along. We had decided to put her on that week and then she put on the show without me by doing all of the event producer things that I normally did while I was in the hospital. That was just serendipitous. This week we have a story and a song that relates to something that's occurring this week. This week is my Fistaversary. Some of you may have heard this story, but once upon a time I was out there having crazy adventures. Most of them were on Craigslist because I just loved the freedom of writing any subject line. And I could ask for anything. I could say, put a brown paper bag on your head, cut your eye holes out, cut the mouth hole out. We'll see in a bar, we'll drink lemon drops, we'll decide if we want to have sex. And then we'll go back to my house with the bags on because how funny would that be, the bags rustling while we try and have sex. And you better put a bag on your little fella too. Those kind of adventures. I never really understood why I wanted to create, but I did it all the time. It made me giddy. It made me feel like I was creating something every day. My creativity was sexual creativity. A decade ago, I put up an ad looking for someone to create an adventure with. And I sent my picture out to a few people and got a few pictures back. And one of those was from somebody. I mean, I used to teach classes on how to hook up on Craigslist. And one of those people broke every rule that I made. He took a picture of himself with his webcam, which makes you look cross eyed. It looks like a mugshot. It makes you look crazy. Not a good look. So the picture didn't do it. He was cute. He was 15 years younger. And I opted for somebody else. I chose somebody else out of the people who responded to my ad to have casual sex. And that person, when I had a phone call with him, said that what he wanted to have out of our date was that I was going to come over to his apartment on Russian Hill and I was going to show up in nothing but a fur coat, nothing on underneath. He was going to let me into his building and we were going to have sex in the elevator while I wore a Fur coat with nothing on underneath. And I said, well, Philip, I think you've seen too many Brian De Palma movies, because I don't know you. And I'm not going to fuck you in an elevator. I'm gonna meet you in a bar, and we're gonna have a conversation or coffee house. We're gonna meet in public, get a feel for each other. And, yeah, sex in an elevator, that's definitely on the table. But it's just not our first encounter with each other. And we made a plan, and he told me where to meet him. And I parked on a really steep hill. I was wearing heels, which is always a bad idea, on Russian Hill, which is very steep. And I get to the bar I'm supposed to meet him at. I've texted him, I've parked. I've texted him, I'm here. I've texted him, I've ordered a drink. Where are you? After about the sixth text, I start to get it. It's not gonna show up. So I walk down that hill in those heels, and I get into my car and I pick up my phone and I call him. Go straight to voicemail, which I expected. And I said, seriously? Seriously. You would rather stay home and jerk off to my picture than actually meet a human being in person? You don't get your fantasy on the first pass. Dating is a compromise. I told you I wanted to meet you in person, and you stood me up. I went home and I wrote every single person that I had been talking to on Craigslist and said, somebody fucked it up for you guys. I'm out. Not interested in this. I'm taking a break. I don't understand why this. I mean, the carrot is pretty good. The carrot is you get sex if you show up. Even that didn't work. And one of the guys writes me back, and he says, I'm really sorry that happened to you. Can I take you out to lunch? And I said, nobody gets late at lunch. And he goes, that's fine. Can I take you out to lunch? And we go out to lunch, and he's just this nice, friendly guy. Tall, sweet. His name is bent. And we had such a good lunch that that evening he was working for a video game company. And that evening I said, hey, your office is right down the street from where I used to work. I know that neighborhood really well. Do you want to just kind of, like, hang out, maybe walk around? I know it's freezing outside because it's November. Maybe just go for a walk and hang out? And he said, well, we're in lockdown, which is the final stage of a game where everybody's working mandatory crazy hours. But, yeah, I'm leaving the building. I mean, that was a big risk. And we went for a walk, and we just got to know each other better. Eventually, we sat down on a concrete step. I said, God, it's freezing out here. And he said, let's go back to my house. And I'm like, I'm not going to your house. Like, I'm not. I said, you're not getting laid. You're not getting laid. And he said, that's fine. It's just cold out here. Let's go back to my house and I'll turn the heat on and we'll continue this conversation. So we went back to his house and we sat and talked. And eventually we decided to lay down in the bed. And I'm like, you're not getting laid. You're not getting laid. I'm still mad about that thing on Russian Hill with the fur coat. You're not getting laid. He's like, fine. And we laid there and we talked. And you know when you lay in bed with a stranger when the way that you met is fairly sexy, the conversation is gonna get sexy. And we talked about the things that we'd seen and the things that we were into, and he was much less experienced than me. And at a certain point he says, you know this thing that I've seen in movies that I've always kind of wanted to experience in real life, like, what is it? And he goes, fisting. Have you ever seen fisting? And I went, ah, fuck. And he's like, what? And I'm like, I'm really big on making dreams come true. Like, if you've never done something before, and I can help you with that. I really want to help you with that. And I just told you you weren't gonna get laid. But you just told me fisting is your thing. And I. I could definitely. We could do that. We could do that. But you're not putting your dick in me because I made a roll, and that's the roll. And fisting seems like, you know, that might be a little bit of a get around. So I taught him how to do that in his bed. And we got lube all over his bed. And he just kind of went, wow. Like, totally surprised by the way this date had turned. And after, you know, orgasms and giggling and shocking each other, I said, so tell me about you. I want to know you better. I am entirely thinking this is a one off, never going to see this guy again. As we lay there, he tells me about his family, where he'd grown up. And his grandmother in Ohio comes up and I said, well, how long ago did you lose her? And he just started sobbing, crying so hard. I put him in the crook of my arm, put his head on my breast and let him lose his shit. He sobbed for the longest time about how he missed her so much and how good, good she was to him. This is not your typical post fisting conversation. And I let him calm down and I comforted him. And then when it was all over, I went, dude, you know you can't do this, right? This is a first date. You can't do this to people. You need therapy. You can't lose it about your grandma Marge on a first date after you fist somebody. But it was real and it was raw and it was emotional. And that apparently is the way to suck me in. So this week is our fistaversary. This week is the 10 year anniversary of that night where we tried to get warm in his apartment in the sunset in San Francisco. And. And how that night somehow we never separated. We've been together ever since that day. Like one of those dates you go on and then you text him the next day to say that was fun. And the texting never stops. Then eventually you move in together and eventually you get a new apartment and you move out of your giant pervert household that the two of you have moved into and you get a dog and you form a life. Then you become life partners and you have adventures together. This is our 10 year anniversary of that. The story I've chosen for you this week is along those lines. The song is most definitely along those lines. So yeah, wish me a happy firstiversary, y'.