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Bawdy Storytelling
Episode 96: ‘Fistaversary’ (Matt Horne)
00:50:27
Trim those nails & grab the J-Lube, this week we’re celebrating Love and Brachioproctic Eroticism. Playwright Matt Horne is tired of being kink shamed for what turns him on, so he hits the road, changes his body and celebrates New Years’ by...
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- [00:01]
Dixie de La Tour
The podcast you're about to listen to. Well, you know how I normally tell you that this is graphic and explicit? Well, this week's episode has so much butthole in it. You are gonna make sure that you turn this off if there's anybody around who ain't ready for it, because I'm telling you, this is the one you need a disclaimer. This podcast is going to be graphic and explicit. There you go. You have been warned. All of my life, I've never fit.
- [00:37]
Matt Horne
But I won't complain and I won't quit.
- [00:41]
Dixie de La Tour
I am enormous.
- [00:44]
Matt Horne
Get used to it.
- [00:49]
Dixie de La Tour
Everyone tells me I'm too much. Maybe it's just you're not enough for me.
- [00:58]
Jefferson Berkey
You see, I'm the kind of woman I'm supposed to be. Hey, my vagina is eight miles wide. Absolutely everyone can come inside.
- [01:12]
Dixie de La Tour
If you're ever frightened, just run and hide. My vagina is eight miles. Why? Why? Hi there, and welcome to the Body Storytelling Podcast. I am sexual folklorist Dixie de La Tour, and This is episode 96 of the podcast. Isn't it amazing how much can happen in a week? I talked to you a week ago, and I can't even remember where I left off. So I like to tell you what's going on in my life, the stories I get pitched, the things that make it all worthwhile. And last week, I got to tell you about how, for the first time in almost 13 years, I missed my own show because I was in the hospital and I had a cancer scare. And so far, they think it's not cancer. I don't think that's the ultimate answer, but that's the right now answer. And so I missed show. Eight of 11 shows in 10 weeks in five cities. So I guess that makes me 10 in 10 weeks, huh? Since I missed one. But while I was in the hospital fighting with the doctor who wanted me to know that it was probably cancer, you know, doctor number one, the evil doctor in my book, he told me I couldn't travel. He's like, you can't fly. And I'm like, but I have to. I have a show in New York this week. And he's like, you.
- [02:46]
Jefferson Berkey
You.
- [02:46]
Dixie de La Tour
You can't fly. So I fought and I fought with him, and I fought with the next two doctors, the good doctors, who told me that it didn't look like it was cancer, and it didn't appear that I had a perforated colon, which means I could fly. And so I pushed really hard to get a yes, and I got a yes. But I didn't stop to think about whether I could actually do it. I just wanted to be able to. And as I was starting to pack my suitcase, I just went, oh, maybe, maybe I can't do this. I mean, I was really low energy, I was in pain. It was really difficult. Getting on a plane was scary when you feel that bad. And it was a long flight. And by the time I got to Brooklyn to stay at my friend Robin's house, I was completely knocked out and I didn't know how I was gonna do it. I was planning on telling a new story at that show and I'd been working on it and I didn't know how I was gonna make any sense at all because my brain didn't seem to be able to hold on to things. You know how it is when you feel sick. I was really scared. Like, what happens if I stand up to the microphone and I fall down? What happens if, like, I run the whole thing? What if I can't run it? I don't have a backup in this city. I found April Kidwell in San Francisco, but I don't have anybody in New York. And can I tell you that the sex positive community in New York City. Fuck yeah. Oh, my God. Melaina Williams Haas, which you may know as one of our best of body storytellers, year after year, who lives in New York and was going to be in my New York show, texted me day of show and said, girl, how you doing? And I'm like, I'm not doing good. I'm not really sure how I'm going to get through this. And Melena reminded me that I have a community that wants to help my timekeeper for the show. It was Sarah dying. She just did a TEDx about me, the story that I told on stage in Brooklyn last year and about community, how the community came together in that room. There's a TedX about me, you guys. She had volunteered to be my timekeeper for the night. And Melana was like, you have to ask for help. So I said, sarah, can you make the timekeeping signs? I can't. I can't really do that right now. I started asking people to help me. I had asked Dirty Lola of Sex editgogo, this great sex positive show in New York, to run the bango table for me. And Melina contacted Dirty Lola and said, can you tell a story, a short one, so that Dixie doesn't have to try and tell a story and be host and do everything at this show. And so in addition to running Bango and helping me give out prizes and set up and break down and all the other things. Jody Lola stepped in and told this great story, made the room laugh. Such a natural. Didn't have any coaching. Just got up there and wowed us with her life. Kevin Allison from the Risk podcast was in the show and kind of wove together a few stories for the very first time and got so many laughs. People were blown away by him. Melaina Williams Haas told a story. Every story she tells is slightly different depending on what's going on with her life, and was really moving. We also had sex therapists, like Australia's number one sex therapist who's moved to New York, Cindy Darnell. We took her bawdy storytelling cherry. I coached her while I wasn't feeling very well day of show, and she just blew us away. Peter Feliciano, who is a Bay Area musician who just moved to New York, we were his very first show in New York. He gave us the music we needed to get through the night. People played Bango, and at the end of the night, there was this really long, long line of people waiting to take selfies with me. People who traveled from Israel. Like, we had a whole passel of people who had traveled from Israel. It seemed like people who had come a long way to be at our only east coast show to get a selfie with me to tell me how much this podcast meant to them. They cried, we hugged each other, and, you know, I got a lot of energy from them. People kept coming up to me and going, this show is amazing. I was thinking, oh, my God, you're not getting my best work here tonight. I'm probably less than 20%. Like, my battery is not fully charged. You're getting very low energy. And they were still going. I've never seen anything like this show. I tell you guys all the time, the live show is a completely different thing. And they were impressed, which made me feel good about what I was doing. I got through it, and I laid in bed all the next day, and people sent me messages and texts, and I didn't reply to any of them. I just laid there and said, I'm gonna recuperate before I get on a plane on Friday. And then I got home and I got back to work because, you know, that was show nine in New York of 11 shows in 10 weeks in five cities. And this week, I'm headed to Seattle. And before we get to the story on this episode, I want to kind of give you a little bit of, you know, history on what you're gonna hear this week I have a story that is one that I've been saving for a while and it's because this week is a very personal week for me in addition to all the health problems and somehow last week's episode with Crystal Crow, that was the plan along. We had decided to put her on that week and then she put on the show without me by doing all of the event producer things that I normally did while I was in the hospital. That was just serendipitous. This week we have a story and a song that relates to something that's occurring this week. This week is my Fistaversary. Some of you may have heard this story, but once upon a time I was out there having crazy adventures. Most of them were on Craigslist because I just loved the freedom of writing any subject line. And I could ask for anything. I could say, put a brown paper bag on your head, cut your eye holes out, cut the mouth hole out. We'll see in a bar, we'll drink lemon drops, we'll decide if we want to have sex. And then we'll go back to my house with the bags on because how funny would that be, the bags rustling while we try and have sex. And you better put a bag on your little fella too. Those kind of adventures. I never really understood why I wanted to create, but I did it all the time. It made me giddy. It made me feel like I was creating something every day. My creativity was sexual creativity. A decade ago, I put up an ad looking for someone to create an adventure with. And I sent my picture out to a few people and got a few pictures back. And one of those was from somebody. I mean, I used to teach classes on how to hook up on Craigslist. And one of those people broke every rule that I made. He took a picture of himself with his webcam, which makes you look cross eyed. It looks like a mugshot. It makes you look crazy. Not a good look. So the picture didn't do it. He was cute. He was 15 years younger. And I opted for somebody else. I chose somebody else out of the people who responded to my ad to have casual sex. And that person, when I had a phone call with him, said that what he wanted to have out of our date was that I was going to come over to his apartment on Russian Hill and I was going to show up in nothing but a fur coat, nothing on underneath. He was going to let me into his building and we were going to have sex in the elevator while I wore a Fur coat with nothing on underneath. And I said, well, Philip, I think you've seen too many Brian De Palma movies, because I don't know you. And I'm not going to fuck you in an elevator. I'm gonna meet you in a bar, and we're gonna have a conversation or coffee house. We're gonna meet in public, get a feel for each other. And, yeah, sex in an elevator, that's definitely on the table. But it's just not our first encounter with each other. And we made a plan, and he told me where to meet him. And I parked on a really steep hill. I was wearing heels, which is always a bad idea, on Russian Hill, which is very steep. And I get to the bar I'm supposed to meet him at. I've texted him, I've parked. I've texted him, I'm here. I've texted him, I've ordered a drink. Where are you? After about the sixth text, I start to get it. It's not gonna show up. So I walk down that hill in those heels, and I get into my car and I pick up my phone and I call him. Go straight to voicemail, which I expected. And I said, seriously? Seriously. You would rather stay home and jerk off to my picture than actually meet a human being in person? You don't get your fantasy on the first pass. Dating is a compromise. I told you I wanted to meet you in person, and you stood me up. I went home and I wrote every single person that I had been talking to on Craigslist and said, somebody fucked it up for you guys. I'm out. Not interested in this. I'm taking a break. I don't understand why this. I mean, the carrot is pretty good. The carrot is you get sex if you show up. Even that didn't work. And one of the guys writes me back, and he says, I'm really sorry that happened to you. Can I take you out to lunch? And I said, nobody gets late at lunch. And he goes, that's fine. Can I take you out to lunch? And we go out to lunch, and he's just this nice, friendly guy. Tall, sweet. His name is bent. And we had such a good lunch that that evening he was working for a video game company. And that evening I said, hey, your office is right down the street from where I used to work. I know that neighborhood really well. Do you want to just kind of, like, hang out, maybe walk around? I know it's freezing outside because it's November. Maybe just go for a walk and hang out? And he said, well, we're in lockdown, which is the final stage of a game where everybody's working mandatory crazy hours. But, yeah, I'm leaving the building. I mean, that was a big risk. And we went for a walk, and we just got to know each other better. Eventually, we sat down on a concrete step. I said, God, it's freezing out here. And he said, let's go back to my house. And I'm like, I'm not going to your house. Like, I'm not. I said, you're not getting laid. You're not getting laid. And he said, that's fine. It's just cold out here. Let's go back to my house and I'll turn the heat on and we'll continue this conversation. So we went back to his house and we sat and talked. And eventually we decided to lay down in the bed. And I'm like, you're not getting laid. You're not getting laid. I'm still mad about that thing on Russian Hill with the fur coat. You're not getting laid. He's like, fine. And we laid there and we talked. And you know when you lay in bed with a stranger when the way that you met is fairly sexy, the conversation is gonna get sexy. And we talked about the things that we'd seen and the things that we were into, and he was much less experienced than me. And at a certain point he says, you know this thing that I've seen in movies that I've always kind of wanted to experience in real life, like, what is it? And he goes, fisting. Have you ever seen fisting? And I went, ah, fuck. And he's like, what? And I'm like, I'm really big on making dreams come true. Like, if you've never done something before, and I can help you with that. I really want to help you with that. And I just told you you weren't gonna get laid. But you just told me fisting is your thing. And I. I could definitely. We could do that. We could do that. But you're not putting your dick in me because I made a roll, and that's the roll. And fisting seems like, you know, that might be a little bit of a get around. So I taught him how to do that in his bed. And we got lube all over his bed. And he just kind of went, wow. Like, totally surprised by the way this date had turned. And after, you know, orgasms and giggling and shocking each other, I said, so tell me about you. I want to know you better. I am entirely thinking this is a one off, never going to see this guy again. As we lay there, he tells me about his family, where he'd grown up. And his grandmother in Ohio comes up and I said, well, how long ago did you lose her? And he just started sobbing, crying so hard. I put him in the crook of my arm, put his head on my breast and let him lose his shit. He sobbed for the longest time about how he missed her so much and how good, good she was to him. This is not your typical post fisting conversation. And I let him calm down and I comforted him. And then when it was all over, I went, dude, you know you can't do this, right? This is a first date. You can't do this to people. You need therapy. You can't lose it about your grandma Marge on a first date after you fist somebody. But it was real and it was raw and it was emotional. And that apparently is the way to suck me in. So this week is our fistaversary. This week is the 10 year anniversary of that night where we tried to get warm in his apartment in the sunset in San Francisco. And. And how that night somehow we never separated. We've been together ever since that day. Like one of those dates you go on and then you text him the next day to say that was fun. And the texting never stops. Then eventually you move in together and eventually you get a new apartment and you move out of your giant pervert household that the two of you have moved into and you get a dog and you form a life. Then you become life partners and you have adventures together. This is our 10 year anniversary of that. The story I've chosen for you this week is along those lines. The song is most definitely along those lines. So yeah, wish me a happy firstiversary, y'.
- [18:42]
Matt Horne
All.
- [18:43]
Dixie de La Tour
This week is it. So this week I went to Patreons and Assembly. It is the annual conference for people who support their art on Patreon. And a few of the things that I heard that really resonated with me was that asking people to support you on Patreon is asking your community to show up for you. And when you guys sign up to support body storytelling on Patreon, you're telling me that you want what I'm creating and you want to support this thing because it makes you happy. This podcast makes you happy. If that's true, if that's ever been true, then I'm going to ask you to go to patreon.com bodi and support us in whatever way you can. I want to know what rewards you'd like to have from me. I'd like to know how you hope to make this thing grow. Because you and I both know that the world needs more of what this podcast is putting out in the world. No negativity, no shame. Just people being themselves and being accepted and getting standing ovations for it. You want that for yourself and I want it for you. Together we can make that happen. Go to P-A-T-R-E-O-N.com body B A W D Y Give it whatever level you can. You can have live streams with me. We can have chats. I can do story coaching. If you want to work on a story. I can even throw your own private body storytelling for you and your friends. So go to patreon.com body and thanks in advance for your support. Mmm, I smell good right now. Want to know why? I'm wearing Native, a clean and simple deodorant from a company that creates safe, effective products with fewer ingredients. Native keeps you smelling good all day long. Less is more, so you know and you can pronounce everything that's in their deodorant. Native uses ingredients found in nature like coconut oil and tapioca starch and shea butter. And there's no animal testing either. They are made from products that people use in the bathroom every day, products with trusted ingredients and trusted performance. And Native comes in a wide variety of scents, enticing natural aromas like lavender and rose or cucumber and mint, and a whole bunch more. I'm wearing Native's coconut and vanilla scent right now, but there are so many flavors to choose from. They release new limited edition seasonal scents throughout the year and they also offer an unscented formula and a baking soda free formula for people with sensitivity activities. But don't take my word for it. They're rapidly headed toward 10,000 five star reviews. So go check out what their satisfied customers have to say. And they love what we're doing here at the Bawdi Storytelling Podcast. So they have created a special offer for our listeners. Right now. You can get 20% off your first purchase. Just go to nativeDeodorant.com and use the promo code Dixie during checkout. Y' all take care of your body. It's the only place you have to live. Why not give them a try? There's no risk. They offer free returns and exchanges in the U.S. if you're not completely satisfied, visit nativedeodorant.com use the promo code DIXIE and you'll get 20% off and free shipping. One more time, I want to remind you that I'm looking for voice memos from you, just a recording of your voice. However you want to send it to me so that I can hear what this podcast means to you, why you want it to continue, what episode really stood out to you, what your favorite one was, which one moved you, which one made you laugh till you cried. All of those things, I don't know unless you tell me. And I'd love for the podcast audience to hear your words and your voice. So record yourself. Just send it to me via email, dixieodistorytelling.com or bodystorytellingmail.com Send it to me however you'd like to so that we can have it for an episode that's coming up in just a couple of weeks. I want you to be part of this episode. Send your voice memo now. Thanks. I've been saving this story for you, for just the right occasion, and this week is it. Do you want to know about your storyteller? This week's storyteller is a fiery ginger Aries with a flair for the dramatic. And he's a huge nerd to boot. Kink was something he recently rediscovered, and he is very thoroughly exploring it with passion. Playwriting and storytelling are also big pastimes of his, and he just loves to see the way people react when they hear the juicy, salacious details. This storyteller is Matt Horne.
- [23:41]
Matt Horne
She's, like, gay. So my favorite thing about my body is when I am super into something, my dick gets rock hard. And I am sitting on my couch in my apartment in the Fillmore watching a porn with this muscle pup, just absolutely getting punched deep by this super hot daddy on tv. And my ex, Will walks into the apartment and he says, are you looking at that disgusting shit again? What is this? And it kind of gets me a certain kind of way. I leave the apartment, I go for a walk, and I decide, you know what? It's been three and a half years. I. I can't deal with this anymore. I can't deal with this kink shaming anymore. So the very next day, he's at school, I pack my shit and I leave. I go over to my friend's place, and I remember being just angry. I was so angry at everything that had happened. And I was like, you know what? I'm going to channel this. I'm going to channel this into something that is productive. It's February right now. I'm gonna see how far I can get. I'm just gonna channel all this anger into working out and getting fit and saying fuck you to him. So for the next eight months, I work my ass off. I lift weights, I run, and I hate cardio. And over the eight months, I end up losing £80. And I'm sitting here thinking, you know what? I look good, and I want everyone to see this body. So I go onto Amazon. I know New Year's is coming up. I buy myself the biggest pair of angel wings I can find. This strappy white harness and this pair of glitter shorts. And you know what? It's not good enough just to be at a party. I decided New Year's evening, I was going to work the door for a Burning man group called Polyglamorous for their New Year's party. And all 700 people that walked to that party, they saw my fucking outfit and they liked it. And I felt good. And finally it was my turn to enter the party. I had seen so many people going in. It was past midnight. I threw my wings in the back because I didn't want to be that girl walking around the party. I threw them down. I went and found my best friends, Patrick and Tom Thomas. And we did so Mali. And I was dancing with them for a little bit. And it was just like the Molly kicked in, and I felt good. And all the lights seemed to converge on this one man, this beautiful black man with this bright red Mohawk that looked like Vin Diesel. And the closer I got, I saw that he was wearing all this leather, right down to the pair of amazing black leather boots. And I hadn't gotten my New Year's kiss yet. So I walked up to him and I said, I haven't been kissed yet. Do you want to be in my New Year's kiss? And without waiting for him to answer, I just kissed him and he kissed back. And he said to me, where are your angel wings? And I said, I don't know. Want to go help me find them? And I took him by the hand. I led him upstairs to the play space that was filled with mattresses and couches and people just fucking everywhere. And it was called the Love Den. And I thought I was in complete control. I took him over to a mattress, and he put me down on my knees and he said, you're gonna suck my cock right now, boy. And I started sucking this big 8 inch thick dick. And I was like, ugh. And he picked me up, he bent me over, and he slid. He. He put some lube on his dick and he slid slowly into my hole and just started pounding me in front of everyone. And that wasn't it, because then he decided, oh, my hole belonged to him, and he could share that with anyone. And so he started passing me around to whoever wanted to fuck me. And they came load after load. And he finally decided it was his turn. So he bent me right back over and started pounding me again. Until he came. And I felt might have been the drugs, but also might have been. It was definitely love. Love at first. Spit roast. And he. Someone came up to him and they said, hey, Kala's sick. We have to go. And he turned to me and said, this has been great. I really enjoyed this. And he just left. I didn't get a name. I didn't get a number. I didn't get anything. And this was such an amazing night of my life. Finally able to experience something that I had felt shame about, finally experiencing it. And then this man just running away. It was like a Cinderella story. If the glass slipper was his load in my. And for the next. For the next six months, I was obsessed. I was trolling Facebook. I was asking my friends. I was like, who is this person giving brief descriptions about? And they're like, I don't know. He sounds like he could be anyone. And I'm trying to, like, figure out who this man is. And, like, by pride, I still don't know who he is. And my friends Patrick and Thomas, they say, hey, come out with us to this other Burning man party. Comfort and joy. And so we go out to comfort and Joy. And the club is packed with, like, 700 hot, sweaty men. There's neon everywhere. There's, like, all of these laser lights set to the beat of fairy techno. It's so amazing. And we pop our Molly before we get there. And the thing about me on drugs is it's something about red lights. I just don't like flashing red lights. And we're at the bar, and there's this light that's flashing constantly in my eyes. And I turn to Thomas and I say, hey, can we go somewhere else? Because I can't with this. And so we're walking, and I grab his hand, and we start walking back through the club. And there he is, standing in the exact same spot in the exact same bar that I had seen him in six months ago. And he seemed like he was on his way out, and I grabbed him, and I was like, do you remember me? And he was like, yeah, I remember you. And I'm like, oh, my God. I have Been obsessing about this dumb black top that I met on New Year's. And he started laughing, and I was like, what's funny? He's like, oh, I'm not really a top. And so I grab him, I kiss him, and my thought is, I don't want to let you go. And I whisper in his ear, I can work with that. So I push him down on his knees, I shove my hard dick into his mouth, and I just start face fucking him. And then I bend him over right there on the dance floor, and I just start pounding him. And then he's like, hey, do you want to go check out the play space? I'm like, sure. So we go up to the play space. It's the same play space from New Year's, but this time it's claustrophobic. There's so many people in there. It's just packed. It's sweaty. I'm getting anxiety, and I just. He can tell that I'm bothered. And the thing when I'm on Mali, I can't be in tight spaces. And he's like, hey, I was leaving to an after party. You should come with me. And I'm a little hesitant, but then I'm like, sure, you know what? That's fine. I would love to, because I don't want him to go anywhere again. I don't want to lose this man. And I ask, hey, what's your name? He's like, my name's Ray. And I'm like, I'm Matt. It's nice to finally meet you again. And I get into a car with him, and when I'm on Molly, I get such fierce anxiety that I can't be in tight spaces. So I'm holding onto him for dear life. And he thinks it's the cutest thing ever because he doesn't know what's going on. And he's like, aw. And I'm like, I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. So we go to where this after party is in the Fillmore, and there's like 30 guys fucking all over this apartment. There's a kitchen, a living room with couches. People are cuddling, kind of taking breaks and just chilling. There's a bathroom where people are getting ready in a back bedroom. I didn't want him to go so badly that I just fucked him all night. And I can't usually get hard on Molly, but with him, I was rock hard the entire night just fucking him all over that apartment. Bent him over the Kitchen, off the balcony, out the windows, in the showers, everywhere. Because for that night, that hole was mine. And then he says to me, do you like fisting? And I just feel this swell of excitement inside of me. Because I've never gotten to try it before. But there's this beautiful man that was saying, fist me. And I'm like, yes. And his face gets so wide, like the sloth in Zootopia who gets the joke. Just. And my nails haven't been true. So I asked the party host for some nail trimmers. And I am trying to trim my nails in the half dark. Rolling my tits off, trying not to cut my fingers off. I'm like, this boy is worth it. This boy is so worth it. Just like, mmm. And I take him into the bedroom. I put him on his hands and knees. And I'm trying to be gentle at first. I'm like, I don't want to hurt you. So I'm like, sliding one finger in, two fingers in. And he's like, I can take it. And so I grabbed the J loop on the bedside table. I'm like, are you sure? He's like, yeah, I can take it. So I coat my hand in J loop. And I just start sliding the whole hand in. And, oh, my God, I can feel his heartbeat through my hand. It's so soft and moist and tight and. And I feel so connective. It's such an intense act, and I just was enthralled with this amazingly big black ass that is just perfect in every way. And then he says, you should slide your dick in, too. And I look at him with eyes wide, and I say, does it work like that? Like, yeah. And I'm like, okay. And so I kind of open my hand a little while I'm in there. And I slide it into the little hole and it's so tight. And I can see the glow on his body and see that he is enjoying it. Just as he, like, enjoys this intense act with this person he barely knows, but feels like I've known him forever. And I am in love with this feeling. And I am just, like, sliding in slowly and working up my speed. And I do not last long, which, again, is weird because I have never come on Molly until that night. And I managed to breed him four times that night. And once I'm done coming, I pull out and he turns to me and he says, would you ever want to do that again? I'm like, oh, my God, I would love to do that again and again and again with you all night. Tonight. And tomorrow night. And honestly, as long as you want my hand inside of you, I will do it with you forever, because I don't want you to go anywhere. And then I found out he lived in Denver. And he ended up canceling his flight and staying with me. And he canceled his flight again and again and stayed with me for four more nights of just us recovering from pride and just fucking each other for four days. And then he left. And I did get his number that time. He's actually in the crowd right now. And I think what was so amazing about that night is for the first time in my entire life, I was finally with someone who made me feel valid for what I was into to, who made me feel worth it, who said no, that's okay. I want you to explore. I want you to try new things. And honestly, I think that's something about our society. So many people are told, no, your kinks aren't okay. Your kinks don't matter. And through this man that became my boyfriend, I learned all it takes is one person to just say it. It doesn't matter what you're into. Because whatever makes you happy and whatever makes you feel good, that's what matters. Thank you.
- [37:59]
Jefferson Berkey
There are couples who will celebrate every year to commemorate a special date. They claim they feel the same. First kiss. Oh, that's sweet.
- [38:16]
Matt Horne
First sleepover, huh?
- [38:18]
Jefferson Berkey
Neat. We think all of that seems kind of tame. That's why on this day every year, we celebrate it by name. Happy fistiversary. I have to hand it to you. You know how to hand it to me. Is that too easy? Happy fistiversary. Has there ever really been another first date like this in history? So in love with you. I'm completely smitten. You will always be my favorite mitten. Let's celebrate. With our gaping holes. Our gaping holes. We've known each other now. In and out and down to the tiny details. That's why we always remember to remove our rings and filing our fingernails. Happy fistiversary. Thank you for the reminder so I can prepare mentally. I love it when you're knuckle fucking me. Start by making a duck with your hand. Then proceed patiently, patiently, patiently. Beginning with your fingers. Essentially, the dilation begins. And eventually I will grant you permission all the way backstage, your vip. I will always be the meat in your warm ravioli. Cause there's so much of me that we can stuff into your holy moly while we're waiting. Didn't we get invited to a double penetration celebration of some sort? Recently we did. Right?
- [40:43]
Matt Horne
Right.
- [40:45]
Jefferson Berkey
Did we RSVP to that? We didn't. Don't you think we should? I think the head count's a little important for something like that, isn't it? Okay, so TBD on the RSVP for the dp. God. I see. What's that? We don't pay any mind to criticism regarding brachiocentric eroticism. We got a lot of lube here and plenty of time. Just a thought. And out of curiosity, think you can handle my ambidextrosity? Wait a minute. What's this? What did I find? What did I find? Jackpot. I was wondering where you were hiding that bottle of vanilla Stoli. Don't you worry. I'll be sure to retract slowly. Happy fistivers. You really have me in the palm of your hand. Sorry, I couldn't resist that one either. I'm so sorry. I enjoy you and you enjoy me. Let's enjoy each other before we lose what's left of our elasticity. How much deeper our love it will be when you're elbow deep in Careful. Or this might be our last fistaversary. Oh, be careful, don't wreck my rectum. Happy fistaversary. Maybe next year we'll introduce a foot Happy fistaversary. In the words of Milhouse's dad, can I borrow a feeling? Put your hand in my glove of love.
- [43:11]
Dixie de La Tour
Sometimes you sit around with your talented friends. You tell them your stories, and they make your story into a song. That song was written just for me and Bent. That song was Fistiversary by Jefferson Berkey.
- [43:25]
Matt Horne
Let's see it.
- [43:29]
Dixie de La Tour
Body Storytelling's tour dates have been sponsored by Open. And I know that each week I've been telling you that if you identify as lgbtqia, if you're mine, monogamous, you're disabled, you're straight, you're polyamorous, you're a swinger, you're kinky or you're body positive like me. That there's this place where you can be yourself. And it's new. But here's what I want you to know about Open. I found out that they were going to be at the New York show and I get to meet them in person. This is not a big corporation who's trying to make money off of your stuff, sexual orientation or your dating practices. These are people who are passionate about a more sex positive world. They are throwing everything they have at making this thing. And if you create a profile on open.com they donate a dollar to Planned Parenthood. For every new profile created, if you go to open.com body they know that you found them here. What I've been creating here on the podcast what I've been creating with live shows. The founders of Hashtag Open are creating the same thing. We're all working together to make dating easier, to make finding people like you. Whatever those people look like, however those people identify, this is a way to find them. If you're frustrated with social media, if you're frustrated with being told that you're not like the others, this is the place for you to be. Go to open.com bawdy b a w D Y Create a new profile, start making authentic connections and I'll see you there. I am an in person person. I know I have a podcast. I know it wins awards and stuff, but I like faces. I like listening to your stories and watching your face while you tell a story. And I want to tell you where I'm going to be so that I can see you at a live body storytelling. I am almost always at Bodi Storytelling. There's only been one time when I wasn't there and that was last week when I was in the hospital. So I'll be there. You come to Bodi. We get to say hello to each other. I get to give you a hug if you you agree that you want one. And you get to listen to an evening of crazy good stories. Music that's perfectly tailored, custom cocktailed. And we get to see each other in person and you get to make friends. My favorite things ever. So coming up on November 7th, that's this Week. The theme is Jackpot in Seattle. I have so many great storytellers in this show. I have Creature Hole who has written custom songs for me and rumor has it that they're writing a brand new song for me for this week. I will see you in Seattle this Thursday, November 7th, I hope. November 14th, I'm back in San Francisco. The theme is Gasm. I have a storyteller who's traveled all the way from London to tell a story at this show. I have Sugar Butchered Chronicles, Sinclair Sexmith, who I've not had on my stage in a very long time. This lineup is going to be phenomenal. And guess what? This will be show 11 of the tour. It'll be the end and I would love for you to be there to help me celebrate. Because after that I'm going to disappear for a couple days and sit in a hot bath and hang out with my dog. And you know, that will be my first Real break. Break since mid September, right after the November 14th show. That's my first chance to really just kind of decompress. I'm so looking forward to that. But here's how I'm going to finish out the year because you know you want to see me in one of these Cities. On Wednesday, December 4th in Seattle. The theme is the Naughty Bits. Still taking story pitches for that one. Send me a pitch Body Storytelling at Garage Email and you know how to do it. I just want to hear your voice. A voice memo, beginning, middle and end of your story. Let's put you on stage. I love putting newcomers on stage. And then Wednesday, December 18th in San Francisco. The theme is Best Gift Ever. Maybe you have a story that involves a little holiday magic. Maybe your partner threw that gang bang you've always fantasized about for you. Surprise. I want to hear your story. Doesn't have to be holiday related. We'll say that. But pitch me as soon as you can. Tickets to all of these shows are available on our website, bawdystorytelling.com you can also find links to these shows in our show notes on this episode. Before we go, could I ask you a favor? We are currently at 393 reviews on iTunes and I like nice round numbers and I'd love to hit 400 by the time we hit our 100th episode, which is coming up in just a couple of weeks. So if you could go and write us a review. Reading your words means so much to me and let me know what you think. I got a review the other day, my first one in a little while, and here's what it said. It said, there's a reason this podcast is constantly getting named best of by Forbes, Gentlemen's Quarterly and other media outlets. If you're looking for a sex positive, inclusive, no shaming, let your freak flag fly collection of real people sharing their innermost, this is the place to find it. Isn't that a great review? I want to know what you think though. So if you could go write us a review, then I can read your words. And thank you in advance for doing that. Speaking of, thank you, let's say thank you to the team that makes this podcast possible. Thank you to podcast producer Marty Garcia, who has been holding the fort down while I have been in the hospital and kind of falling behind on work. Thank you, Marty. Thank you to project manager Dana Hanna, to video archivist Joe Moore. Joe is working on a project right now that you guys are gonna like a lot. Thank you to sound engineer David Grossoff. And thank you to you for listening, for telling people. It's getting really hard to get the word out about sex positivity on social media. So if you share this with somebody and tell them you love it, then that means we're going to grow. And you can do that. I'm sexual folklorist Dixie de La Tour. This has been episode 96 of the Body Storytelling podcast. Here's a peek at what's next. She is perfectly made up and her hair is done and she has glossy lips and she's wearing the sort of Lucite stripper here heels, but not ironically.