Become A Calm Mama

Preventing Meltdowns in the Long Term

Understanding how to deal with a meltdown (aka Big Feeling Cycle) in the moment is a really valuable skill, but it doesn't end there. Ultimately, we want to use connected parenting and coaching conversations to prevent meltdowns in the long term. You’ll Learn:The skill your kid might be lacking if they’re having a lot of meltdownsWhat a coaching conversation is and why to have themThe 3 steps of a coaching conversationListen as I walk you through how to use coaching conversations in parenting to teach your child how to align their behavior with your family's values and manage the way they think, feel, and act. ----------------------------------Kids aren't born knowing about time, money, manners, or managing their emotions. Over the course of parenting and raising them, you're teaching them how the world works, how feelings work, how their bodies work, how time works, how money works. This is parenting. And our goal is to do it in a thoughtful, respectful way.What is a Coaching Conversation?Basically, a coaching conversation is a teaching conversation that coaches your kids toward new skills, new values, and new concepts for understanding how things work in the world.One way to think of it is that a coaching conversation replaces a lecture. It's more collaborative. You're not talking at them, you're talking with them. To be clear, you are still the leader of your family. You still get to set the boundaries and expectations. We're not outsourcing that leadership to the child. In a traditional parenting model, the parent might respond to misbehavior by saying, "Hey, listen kid, that doesn't work. You've got to cut it out or else there's gonna be a consequence." Or they might moralize or lecture, going on and on about all the reasons that that behavior is bad and what it means.I'm sure you've responded this way yourself at times. The truth is that this is how many of us were raised. This is the only model we've had to follow. Today, I want to show you a different way.Preventing Meltdowns in the Long TermIf your child is having a lot of meltdowns, it is likely that they are lacking the SKILL of self-regulation, the skill of coping with negative emotion. How much better does it feel to know that the problem isn't that something is wrong with your kid - they're simply lacking a skill that you can help them learn and practice?In order to create long-term emotional health, we need to teach our kids the coping strategies that they need to regulate their nervous system and calm themselves down. That's where coaching conversations come in. How To Have a Coaching ConversationThere are 3 parts to any coaching or teaching conversation:Reflect on the behaviorTeach a new skill, tool, or coping strategyPractice what to do insteadBefore we dive in, remember that in order for these conversations to work, you must be as calm and neutral as possible. If you need to take a CALM break or wait until another time for the conversation, do that.Step 1: Reflect on the behavior. Use the Connection Tool to validate your child's emotions while also talking about the impact of their behavior. Help them to understand that the way they are processing their feelings is causing problems for others.As you make guesses about how your child might be feeling, phrase it as a question. This makes it more of a conversation.You can also explain to them different ways that big feelings show up for people. Some people want to run away and hide. Some people want to fight. Which way do they feel?I love using the image of feelings as a big wave that gets bigger and bigger until it crashes. Or like a race car with no brakes. This can put it into terms that your child can visualize and understand.Step 2: Teach a new skill. This is where you set the boundary and talk about what is okay and what you expect. And show them a better way to cope. Let your child know that big feelings are normal, but how they are handling those big feelings isn't safe. So you have to come up with new ways for them to manage their big feelings.You want to really slow down the conversation in this stage. Ask lots of questions and try to get a little buy-in.Then, teach them a new skill. The skill I want you to teach your kids in order to prevent meltdowns is (can you guess?) the CALM Break. Yep, the same tool that you use to regulate yourself.As a reminder, the CALM Break is:Catch yourself.Ask for help.Label your feelings.Move your body. Step 3: Practice the new skill. Practice the CALM Break together. Ask your child to imagine a scenario where they have a big feeling in their body. You can even use an example of something that actually happened. Then, go through the steps of a CALM Break together. These conversations proactively teach your kid how to regulate their nervous system. Here's an example of what a coaching conversation looks like in real life.Let's say that your child is having big feelings and hits their sibling...ReflectHey, sometimes when you're upset and you don't talk about it, your feelings will build inside of you like a huge wave that washes over you. And it might make you say or do things that you don't want to do, like hit your brother. Think about the ocean or think about a big wave and it's just going to build, build, build, build, build, build, build, and then crash. Have you ever felt that way before where you have a big feeling in your body, and all of a sudden you're hitting?This happens, especially when you're young. You're not sure how to handle those big feelings. That's okay.TeachIn this family, it's my job to keep everyone safe. So when someone fights their feelings by hitting, the other people in our house don't feel safe. I understand that your body is out of control when you're upset. But from now on, I'm going to make sure everyone and everything is safe in our house. When it comes to big feelings, it's your job to figure out how to deal with your feelings without hurting others.Do you think it's good for Mommy to keep everyone safe? Do you feel sometimes it's not safe when you hit your brother or sister or Mommy yells at you? It's kinda hard when someone keeps hitting other people in the family, right? That doesn't feel good, does it?The next time you feel mad and want to hit, I want you to take a CALM Break. Here's how we do it...(Walk them through the steps of the CALM Break)PracticeLet's practice taking a CALM Break together. Let's think about the time that I gave your brother his ice cream first, and you felt jealous and mad, and you wanted to hit him. What do we do first? What does the letter C stand for? Right, catch yourself. Notice that you are having big feelings or showing your feelings through your body. Then, what's A? Ask for help. All you have to say is, "Mommy, I need help."Next, L - label your feeling. Say "I'm mad." Some other feelings you might notice are sad, disappointed, or overwhelmed.Last, for M, we're going to figure out what to DO with your mad feelings. What are some ideas? If you want to hit, maybe you can hit a pillow, or push against the wall, or clap your hands really loud.(As you practice, actually do the movements together.)A Few Things to RememberThe first time you have this conversation, you're introducing the concept of feelings drive behavior. You're introducing the concept that when we have big feelings, we can't just do whatever we want to do, especially if it hurts others. Instead, we have to find new ways to cope with our big feelings.Your kid won't catch every part of this the first time around. You'll need to have this conversation multiple times. This is not foolproof. We're all human, and our feelings will sometimes get the best of us. The way you teach true emotional health and regulation is over time. They'll need to learn and practice it over and over again. Teach the process in advance, when they're calm, so that you can then call on it when big feelings come up, saying, "Oh, remember - CALM Break." "Remember that you can ask for help." "Oh, remember to tell me what you're feeling." "Remember, you're supposed to be moving your body."If your kid is resistant to this conversation, it can mean 1 of 2 things:One is that they don't feel seen or validated enough. In this case, go back to the Connection Tool. Talk about why they're behaving the way they're behaving, what their feelings are and how feelings come out, and that feelings are okay and feelings make sense.The other reason is that they might be stuck in fear that you'll be mad at them. Or maybe they are embarrassed and uncomfortable. You can gauge how much to push in those moments. If you want to, you can revisit the conversation at a different time.If the resistance continues, say, "I know you don't want to have this conversation, but we are going to have it. You're not in trouble, but it is my job to teach you ...

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How To Help Your Kid Calm Down

3w ago00:31:52Tap to summarize

When we talk about raising emotionally healthy kids, a big part of that is teaching kids what to DO with their feelings. Giving them better strategies to manage their feelings than name calling, hitting, running away, or shutting down. You’ll Learn:Why movement is the best way to process big feelings.How to keep everyone safe if your child is hitting, kicking, or hurting3 categories of movement that help kids (and adults) regulate their nervous systemsHow to use your child’s behavior as a clue to what their body needsListen as I talk about how to help your kid calm down in a really practical way.---------------------------------------------------3 Ways to Calm DownWhen the brain gets overwhelmed or feels threatened, it gets flooded with chemicals like cortisol and adrenaline. The best way to calm the nervous system is almost always to let the emotional energy out through the body, through movement. I like to think of movement in 3 categories: #1: Push it out. Push the big feelings out. I think of these as big, heavy movements. #2: Pull it in. Pull in a sense of comfort and soothing. These are quieter.#3: Move it around. Swirl the emotion around inside your body to shake it up and get it unstuck. When you notice that your kid is dysregulated (e.g. they’re seeming a little “off”, having big feelings, or are in full meltdown mode), ask yourself…“What do they need? Do they need to push it out, pull it in, or move it around?”Use your child’s behavior as a clue to what they need. For example, if they’re hitting, kicking, spitting, punching, running away, yelling, they likely need to push it out. If you try something and it doesn’t work, no problem. Try another type of movement. You’ll start to see patterns of what works best for you and your child.Why It Works: Co-RegulationThis thing that I'm teaching you is called co-regulation. Basically, your child is dysregulated. They are not able to catch their nervous system and bring it back online. So they need support from you in order to get back to baseline. If you can be a calm and regulated adult in that situation, then your child can “borrow” your calm nervous system. With your support, they will likely be able to move through a Big Feeling Cycle (aka meltdown or tantrum) faster. And once you have practiced these strategies together, you can help them to regulate before the train has fully left the station. One thing I want you to understand: Co-regulation is not easy.There will be times when you aren’t able to co-regulate. You might find yourself getting dysregulated while this Big Feeling Cycle is going on. It might feel very hard for you to stay present in front of your child. That’s okay. If you feel like you need to escape, that's fine. Just explain. If you leave the room abruptly or in anger, it can feel like a kind of abandonment. So, say some soothing comments to them before you leave, like, “I'm gonna go calm my body. I'm gonna let you calm your body. I love you, and I will be back.”If you’re judging yourself or thinking “I can’t handle this kid,” try telling yourself this instead: “In this moment, my child is dysregulated. I don't have the capacity to co-regulate. I'm going to trust that my kid's nervous system is able to manage itself.”Because here’s the truth. Yes, we want to teach our kids healthy strategies to regulate and self-soothe. AND the nervous system is naturally drawn to finding a way back to balance. It may not always look pretty, but you can trust your child to get to a place of calm. You can trust that their body and their brain are going to get them to the other side of that dysregulation and get back to a regulated state.How To Help Your Kid Calm DownWhen your kid is in a Big Feeling Cycle, the first thing you want to do is look out for everyone’s physical safety. You’re not going to let your child regulate in ways that hurt themself or others. The value here is, “In this house, everyone stays safe.” For example, if your kid is hitting you, you can say. “In this house, everyone stays safe. You can be upset, you can have big feelings, but I will not let you hit me. I am going to get up and move away from you. I have to protect my body.” Then, calmly take a few steps back.It’s okay to set some limits here. Like, “You can’t hit me, but you can hit this pillow.” Or, “I see that you need to move your body, so what are you going to do?”Now, here are some more specific ways to use the 3 types of movement to help your kid regulate and get back to calm. Push it outSome signs that your kid needs to push the feeling out include hitting, stomping, throwing things, or doing other big body movements. I picture it like a mini-Hulk. They have all this energy in their body and they want to get it out. Start by observing. What are they doing? Are they mainly using their upper body or lower body? This can help you direct them to a better alternative. Here are some of my favorite movements to try:Carry something heavy. Give your kid the task of moving something heavy from one side of the room or house to the other.A grounding stomp. Stand up and stomp your feet on the ground. I think of this like a dinosaur or an elephant would stomp - BIG! Adding rhythm to it is even better. Ask your child to copy the rhythm or that you do. Push out through their hands. Hold up your hands and ask your kid to push against them with their hands as hard as they can. If they’re too strong, or you have an injury, or you aren’t able to do this for any reason, they can also push against a wall. Bear crawl or crab walk on the ground. Choose a movement that is a bit challenging for them. If your child is hitting… instead, have them try hitting a pillow or clapping their hands really loudly. If they want to kick, let them kick a ball against a wall if you have the space. Give a choice. If your child is hurting other people, you may need to get them out of the room to keep everyone safe. One thing I used to say to my son is, “You can’t be in here because it’s not safe. I could drag you like a caveman, or you can walk and stomp on your own.” You're moving the child, but they're gonna have some say in how they move. Add a little play to it if you can. Ask them to pretend that they’re a dinosaur, caveman, pirate, snake, bear, whatever. Give ideas of how they can move their bodies in a big, aggressive (and safe) way. Pull it inPulling it in is about feeling cozy. These are going to be quiet, soothing movements.Squeeze and release. Have your child squeeze their hands into really tight fists. Then release. Let go. Get floppy like a noodle. Talk them through squeezing and releasing their arms, their shoulders, their face, their belly, their legs, their feet, their whole body. Butterfly hug. Have your kid cross their arms over their chest in a hug and give themself a squeeze. Then, with their hands still on their shoulders, have them gently tap their shoulder left, right, left, right. Other soothing movements include wrapping in a blanket, coloring, hugging or talking to a stuffed animal, drinking water, squeezing a stress ball, or petting a dog or cat. What about if your kid is dysregulated in public? You can’t always find a quiet, cozy space. One thing to try is pulling them into you, giving them a hug, and saying something like, “You’re having big feelings in your body. Let’s figure out what to do with those feelings.”Move it around These movements are more gentle than pushing it out. You're just moving them around a little bit, allowing a little bit of energy shift inside the body.Shimmy shake. Have your kid put their hands in the air and then shake their whole body from their hands all the way through their chest, hips, knees, legs… all the way to the ground, and then shake it back up. You can pretend that you're shaking off the negative feelings like you're shaking off water from your hands.Some other great ways to move it around are:DanceDo some jumping jacksSwingRockRemember that these movements come after you’ve already used the Connection Tool to notice, narrate, name, and validate. This is the regulate piece. This is the answer to, “Okay, I validated their feelings. Now what?”Kids misbehave. They get dysregulated easily. They get overwhelmed and their nervous system misfires, especially if they're neurodivergent in any way.Through the Connection Tool and co-regulation, you are teaching them the skills to self-soothe and regulate. You’re showing them healthy ways to cope with hard circumstances and uncomfortable feelings. And you (and the rest of your family) can learn to self-regulate right alongside them. Previous Episodes:Episode 88: Co-Regulation During a MeltdownEpisode 2.16: The Connection ToolFree Resources:Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!In this free guide you’ll discover:✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing wil...

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The First Thing To Do When Your Kid Acts Out

4w ago00:31:12Tap to summarize

Have you ever found yourself in a moment where your child is hitting their sibling, stealing snacks, or yelling something hurtful, and all you can think is, “How do I make this stop?”But what if I told you that the very first thing you do when your kid acts out can change everything about how your child learns to manage their feelings and behaviors?In This Episode:Practical things you can say and do as a parent in order to create an emotionally safe environment, teach your kid to regulate their nervous system, and help them become an emotionally healthy personReal-life examples of how to validate emotions while also setting limits around behaviorHow to find clues that will help your child regulate their nervous systemTons of ways to help kids release emotional energy from their bodiesListen to learn exactly what to do the next time your child is acting out, so you can create more calm, safety, and connection in your home.--------------------------------------------Why Your Kid Acts Out (And Why Correction Isn’t Step One)Let’s start with something important: All behavior is communication. When your child is yelling, hitting, grabbing, or melting down, it’s not just about disobedience. It’s their way of coping with big feelings or an unmet need that they don’t yet have the skills to communicate in a better way.When we immediately go to correction - "Stop it right now!” or “Don’t do that!” - we’re skipping over the real problem: the emotion or need underneath the behavior. If we move too quickly to discipline or redirection, kids don’t learn how to name and manage what’s happening inside. And honestly, they often have no idea what to do instead. This is why just correcting doesn’t work, and why the chaos often repeats itself tomorrow, or even five minutes later.So, what’s the first thing you should do when your child acts out? You connect before you correct. The Connection Tool is the heart of the Connected Parenting Process, and it’s a practical, step-by-step way to help kids learn emotional regulation, from the inside out.The Connection ToolOne of my all-time favorite tools to teach parents is the Connection Tool. In it, you:Notice that something is off with your kidNarrate the behavior you’re seeingName the emotionValidate how they’re feelingRegulate the nervous system by helping them move through the feelingBasically, you’re helping to connect the dots between what's going on on the outside and what's going on on the inside.Validation (letting your kid know that the way they’re feeling makes sense) is crucial, because when kids feel seen and safe, their nervous system begins to calm. Emotional connection always comes before learning or problem solving.Once you’ve connected with their inner experience, you can move into regulating and problem-solving. Your child needs new ways to cope and to communicate their feelings, thoughts, and needs in ways that work. You can validate their emotion and set a limit at the same time. Ultimately, you give them the responsibility to figure out better ways to cope with that feeling in the circumstance that they're in.Here are a few examples:“It’s not okay to grab your brother’s snack, but you can ask me for a snack and I’ll help you get one.”“If you need to move your body, let’s do some jumping jacks together.” “You can’t call out to Mommy at bedtime, so what can you do instead? Do you want to hold my scrunchie while we’re apart from each other?”“You can’t hit your brother, but you can hit this pillow.”Regulating emotion is a tricky thing. It's hard for all of us. Discharging emotion is almost always done through the body. We let the feelings that are stuck inside of us release through our hands, our voice, etc. The goal is to discharge that emotion in a way that doesn’t hurt or cause problems for other people.You can suggest and show your child other ways to release or change their energy. And their behavior can serve as a clue to what they need. If they want to scream really loud, is there a way that they can regulate by screaming in a way that works for everybody? If they want to hit or be physical, is there a way that they can be physical that doesn't bother anybody? Try these movements:Do jumping jacksDrink a glass of waterWash their handsDo a shimmy-shakeHold your hands up and let them use their hands to push against youRoll them up in a blanketStomp their feetDo a small, simple task like putting a toy on the shelfShifting from Correction to Compassionate WitnessI know this approach can feel counterintuitive. Most of us grew up hearing, “Stop that!” or “If you don’t calm down, you’re in trouble.” It takes practice to pause, connect, and wonder about what your child is feeling or needing, instead of jumping right to judgment or solutions.And you might need to wait a little while for your child to regulate. If they’re in the middle of a Big Feeling Cycle, talking to them and trying to coach them can actually be really triggering. Stay present in that compassionate or neutral space while recognizing this is a kid who's having a hard time. When my son was 4 years old, he would rage around the house everyday around 4pm. These intense meltdowns would last about 45 minutes - every day! I decided to shift into the role of witness. that I would be there to make sure he (and everyone else) was safe, but I didn’t come at him with any big energy. Almost immediately, his Big Feeling Cycles were shorter and less frequent. Within a week or two, they were almost completely eliminated. Shifting your lens from “behavior judge” to “compassionate witness” is one of the most powerful changes you can make in your parenting. It means holding the thought, “My child isn’t giving me a hard time. They are having a hard time.” This mindset shift alone can help you stay calmer and more regulated yourself, which in turn helps your child “borrow” your nervous system as they settle down too.As a parent, you are the emotional leader in your family. Kids’ nervous systems are immature and easily activated. Everything is bigger, louder, and more extreme for them. Giving them grace, and modeling emotional regulation yourself, is a gift that will help them for years to come.This takes time, and that’s okay. You have to learn to reframe the way you look at the behavior in the first place and then get better at making those guesses about what’s actually going on for your kid.Keep practicing CALM. Take care of your nervous system and practice self-regulation. Look at your child’s behavior from a compassionate (or even neutral) place. Lead your family with calm confidence.Related Episodes:Episode 2.16: The Connection Tool [New & Improved]Episode 87: The 3 Rs of Emotional RegulationFree Resources:Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!In this free guide you’ll discover:✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet hereConnect With Darlynn:Book a complimentary session with DarlynnLearn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.comFollow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tipsRate and review the podcast on Itunes

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Better Connection with Margot Magowan

Apr 3000:47:54Tap to summarize

If you listen to this podcast or have worked with me in any of my programs, you are already practicing Nonviolent Communication (whether you realize it or not). Today’s guest, Margot Magowan, is an expert on Nonviolent Communication, and she’s here to show you how to use those principles for better connection with your kids. You’ll Learn:The basic principles of Nonviolent Communication and how to use them in parentingExamples of using NVC in real-life situationsWays that your own needs show up in your parenting (and healthier ways to meet them)How to focus on how your child is feeling, even if their story isn’t totally factual-----------------------------------------------------Margot Magowan, a mom of 3, says that learning about Nonviolent Communication helped to transform everything for her family. When her oldest daughter was 15 years old, she started having behavioral health challenges, like refusing to go to school, abusing drugs, and stealing. Over the course of 3 years, she went to various wilderness and residential programs, receiving access to all kinds of support and resources. Now, at age 22, Margot’s daughter is thriving. She says, “I really credit it to me and my husband learning how to listen to her.” In her coaching practice, Margot supports other parents in learning how to truly listen to their children with presence and curiosity.The Basics of Nonviolent CommunicationNonviolent Communication (NVC) was created by Marshall Rosenburg, who believes that all human behavior is motivated by an attempt to meet certain universal needs. Margot explains that NVC is made up of 4 parts: observations, feelings, needs, and requests. Take the example of you and your partner getting ready to go to a party, and you’re worried you’re going to be late. Instead of saying, “We’re gonna be late. Hurry up!”, using NVC might look like this:Observation - The invitation says 7:30, and it’s 6:30 nowFeeling - I’m feeling anxiousNeed - My need for security isn’t being metRequest - Would you be willing to leave in 15 minutes?Margot says that when she first learned this, it felt a little robotic (and her kids hated it when she talked to them that way). She says that what really helped it to feel more authentic was when she focused on her energy rather than her language.Basically, it’s not about the script. It’s about focusing on connection. This is called NVC Consciousness, which Margot explains as “being open and curious and present and compassionate to whatever is happening.” You’re not trying to fix anything (sound familiar?).It goes hand in hand with the Connection Tool that I teach. You’re going into the situation as a neutral witness and viewing your child’s behavior as an expression of needs or feelings that they don’t know how to handle. Ultimately, Nonviolent Communication is:Focusing on your feelingsIdentifying the universal needs underneath those feelingsExpressing that truth honestly, while staying connected to a person's humanityIt’s important to keep in mind that the goal of NVC is not to get to the other emotion. Or to get compliance out of our kids. Although these things do sometimes often happen when we show up in a compassionate way. The Universal NeedsThere are quite a few universal needs within NVC (if you want to see them all, Margot has a free list for you here). She helped us out by breaking it down into a few key categories:Connection MeaningAutonomyHonestyPhysical Well-BeingPeacePlayFor example, if you walk into your child’s room and find them lying in bed when they’re supposed to be cleaning their room, your first thought might be, “Ugh, my kid is lazy. They’re not doing what they’re supposed to do.”After that initial thought passes, ask yourself, “What need are they trying to meet?” Maybe it’s comfort or ease, and this is their best strategy to do that. Then, you can look at the behavior through a more neutral lens.And as a parent, if you’re feeling angry, resentful, or frustrated, you probably have some sort of need that’s not being met. Be really gentle with yourself in wondering why the situation is upsetting you so much.Margot says that NVC has made her more aware of her own needs and how to get them met. She says, “I was using all 3 of my kids to meet my own needs…I didn’t need to shift my kids’ behavior to meet my needs.” She figured out new strategies to take care of herself. Now, she sees that a lot of moms hold to strict rules for their kids because they are trying to meet their own need for safety. If you find yourself being rigid somewhere, ask yourself, “What am I scared of? What am I making this mean?” This is how you get to CALM. By managing your own needs and taking care of yourself, you can then show up in a connected, compassionate way for your child. The Giraffe and the JackalIn Nonviolent Communication, Marshall Rosenberg uses two animal metaphors: a Giraffe and a Jackal.The Giraffe is compassionate, open, and curious. The Jackal is more judgemental and angry. One of the things that Margot coaches parents on is spending time with the Jackal when it shows up. And how to get your needs met from someplace other than your kid (having a safe container, like a coach, to bring these feelings and needs to is super helpful). You can ask for this clearly if you’re talking to your partner or a friend. Say something like, “I just want empathy. I just want you to listen to me and not try to make it better or fix it or take it away.” You can also do this for yourself in a journal if you need to. Here’s the magic. When you show up as the Giraffe and listen to your kid and they feel safe and their nervous system regulates, they reach that state of compassion and curiosity in themselves. Margot says, “I feel like we're doing such a service of actually modeling how to show up for them so they can show up for themselves and be healthy adults.”Challenging ChangeThere is a real obstacle that happens when we change our parenting. Our children want what is reliable and predictable. So even if you’ve been yelling, this is what they know and expect. When you change your behavior, your kid might not feel like it’s trustworthy or safe right away. It’s unfamiliar, like you’re an imposter. It freaks them out. Margot explains that her kids thought the yelling parents were the authentic ones. They didn’t totally trust them when they stopped yelling and started trying this new approach. Your child might even try to pull you back into your own pattern. Their behavior will escalate and they’ll almost want you to yell, because that’s what they’re used to. You have to restrain yourself and stay within your new value system long enough to get all the way through that emotion.Eventually, they will catch up to the new version. And they’ll really like this calmer, more connected parent that you’re becoming. It just takes some time. Doing something different isn’t always easy in the short term, but the long term gains are so worth it.Previous Episodes:Episode 2.16 - The Connection Tool [New & Improved]Connect with Margot:Get the “Feelings & Needs List” that Margot talked about in this episode: https://listen2connectcoach.com/resourcesFollow Margot on Instagram @listen2connectcoach Learn more about her coaching, workshops, and more at https://listen2connectcoach.com/ Free Resources:Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!In this free guide you’ll discover:✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet hereConnect With Darlynn:Book a complimentary session with DarlynnLearn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.comFollow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tipsRate and review the podcast on Itunes

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The Connection Tool [New & Improved]

Apr 2300:32:43Tap to summarize

The best way to improve your child's behavior on the outside is helping them understand how to cope and communicate with their big feelings on the inside. You’ll Learn:The NEW 5-step Connection Tool and how to use it when your child is in their big feelingsHow to think about your child’s behavior so that you can see them through a neutral or compassionate lensLOTS of real-life examples and scripts for you to useThe difference between delaying consequences and permissive parentingI’m walking you through exactly how to use (new & improved!) The Connection Tool to coach your kids when they're having big feeling cycles or when they're dysregulated. --------------------------------------The Connection Tool is one of my favorite tools I’ve ever created to help parents emotionally coach their kids when they're having big feeling cycles or when they're dysregulated. Today, I’ll walk you through exactly how to use it. And if you’ve been around a while, you may notice a few improvements.The Connection Tool falls under the 2nd pillar of my Connected Parenting Process:Calm >> Connect >> Limit Set >> Correct This process is meant to simplify parenting for you as much as possible. When you’re seeing off-track behavior, it means that some parenting is probably needed. And by going through the 4 steps of the process, you can use your kid’s behavior as a clue to what they might be feeling or needing. The best way to improve your child's behavior on the outside is helping them understand how to cope and communicate with their big feelings on the inside. Kids don’t know what to do with disappointment, anger, jealousy, and those other hard emotions. So, they complain, ignore you, run away from you, call names, hit their brother, etc. The Connection Tool helps you teach them how to handle those emotions in an appropriate way.What Do I Mean By Connection?When you hear the term “connection” as it relates to parenting, your mind might automatically go to the connection between you and your child. Of course, I want you to have a good relationship with your kid, but that’s not exactly what we’re talking about here. When I talk about “connection” in the Connected Parenting Process, I’m really talking about the connection between your child’s behavior and their emotions. You’re helping to connect what’s happening on the inside and how it’s showing up outside of them through their behavior. In essence, it’s about connecting your child to themself. Giving them an understanding and awareness of how they're thinking, how they're feeling, and helping them learn to manage their feelings in healthy ways. Emotional health and wellbeing always starts with awareness. This is also called “emotional literacy”, which essentially means that they can understand what they are feeling, describe it with words, and express those emotions in health and appropriate ways that work for them, your family, and their community.From there, they can also learn how to shift their thinking so that they have a better mindset about whatever is going on in their life. One thing I want to point out is that when your child is in a big feeling cycle or acting out, they don’t need limits or correction (yet). What they need first is connection. Threatening, accusing, minimizing, or insulting are not helpful in this situation. They will only make your child more dysregulated.The Connection ToolI’ve been teaching this tool to parents for a long time, but through the process of writing my book, I realized that it was incomplete. The NEW Connection Tool has 5 parts.1. Notice. This is just for you. You notice that something is going on. Your kid is dysregulated or acting out. They might be tired, hungry, overstimulated, facing frustration. They're having feelings of stress, Frustration, anger, disappointment, disappointment. Often, you’ll notice this before they really lose it. You’ll see that something is a little off, something’s brewing. Your kid looks mostly fine, but inside their nervous system is working really hard. This is a great time for you to take a CALM break. You know that your kid is starting to show big feelings, and they’re going to need your help. If a behavior shows up and you find yourself upset by it or you start showing up with some of those less-than-helpful responses, those are also signs to take a break, get calm, and re-align with your goals.2. Narrate. When somebody is dysregulated, they have exceeded their capacity to cope with their emotional upset in a healthy way. They no longer have access to logic. You can help bring them back into the moment by narrating the behavior you see. For example: “I am giving each of you dessert, but I saw you hit your brother because I gave it to him first.” “I said that it was time to turn off the video game, and I noticed that you haven't done it yet.” “I said it was homework time, but now I see that you’re playing in the backyard instead of sitting down at the table.”You are narrating the circumstances and the specific actions and behaviors that you’re seeing. This is what's going on on the outside. Stick to the facts. 3. Name. Now, you name the feeling that’s happening on the inside. I like to phrase this as a question or curiosity. Like this…“I wonder if you are feeling angry that I gave your brother the dessert first.”“I wonder if you are sad that you don’t get to play video games any more.”“I wonder if you are feeling annoyed that it's time to do homework.”The narrating and the naming go together to help neutralize the behavior. It’s like holding up a mirror and saying, “Hey, I'm seeing this behavior and I'm thinking it's because of this circumstance.”4. Validate. Now that the feeling has a name, let your child know that however they’re feeling is valid. Of course they’re feeling angry, sad, annoyed, etc. One of my favorite phrases for this is, “That makes sense.” 5. Regulate. This is where you help your child move through the feeling so that they can get back to a state of calm. Ask, ”What are you going to do with that anger (or whatever emotion you’ve named together)?” You can give suggestions. “Do you want to run around? Do you want to jump up and down? Do you want to talk about it? Do you want to tell me more things? Do you need to take a break from the family?” Let them know that you can help them or they can do it on their own. There are a ton of different ways to regulate the nervous system, but moving the body is almost always a great starting point. It helps to push those emotions through and out of the body. Imagine it like an electrical current that is all charge up and needs to be discharged. Sometimes, you’ll need to set a boundary as part of regulation. For example, “You can stay here and eat this dessert with us as long as you're not name calling.” Remember that limit setting has to come from a very calm, grounded place. The message is, “This behavior isn't safe for everybody, and we want you to be around here.”This process of regulation often only takes around 90 seconds (even though it might feel like an eternity). Once your child is regulated and calm again, you’ll coach them through resetting their mind and thoughts (more on that in the next episode!).The goal of the Connection Tool is not that your child will not have big feelings anymore. The goal is for there to be less and less damage when those feelings come up. All humans are going to have tough emotions. And kids will be immature. We want to move away from violence, disrespect, and behaviors that cause problems for others, like time delays and energy drains. We want our kids to understand that their feelings are valid and make sense. And to know healthy ways to move that emotion through their bodies and minds. We’re helping them to connect the dots between what's going on inside of them to what's going on on the outside of them. And holding them responsible for their behavior in a loving way.Free Resources:Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!In this free guide you’ll discover:✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet hereConnect With Darlynn:Book a complimentary session with DarlynnLearn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.comFollow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tipsRate and review the podcast on Itunes

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3 Essential Beliefs Kids Need For Emotional Health

Apr 1600:32:22Tap to summarize

It’s a big question (especially when your kids are little) - What would I be doing to set my child up for success in adulthood? We all want our kids to thrive and be well. Today, I’m sharing the 3 essential beliefs kids need for emotional health.You’ll Learn:The 3 essential beliefs that help ensure your child grows up to have good self esteem, take risks, think for themselves, be responsible, and have good relationshipsWhat you can do to support these beliefs in your kidPractical examples of how to reinforce these beliefs, even when your child is misbehavingHow to coach your kid through negative thoughtsThis episode breaks down the key ingredients to helping your kid become emotionally healthy and resilient - now and as an adult.----------------------------------------The three essential beliefs are:I am safe.I’m lovable.I am capable.These are the beliefs that help ensure your child grows up to have good self esteem, take risks, think for themselves, be responsible, and have good relationships with others and with their own body.Each person comes into the world preset to believe these things. They want them to be proven true. The problem happens when they start to get different messages or they have experiences in childhood happen to them and that are never explained.Your child's earliest years (between 0-5) set the groundwork for their subconscious beliefs about themselves and the world. And those beliefs are reinforced up until around age 12. They are absorbing messages all the time about themselves and the world based on their environment and their interactions with you.You have a lot of influence over your child's beliefs about themselves. When you can reinforce these essential beliefs in them - showing them that they’re safe, lovable, and capable - they get the message and carry those beliefs with them into adulthood.Belief #1: I am safe.This is the belief that I am safe, and the world is safe. I don't need to worry so much about my needs. I can relax in my environment, and from that relaxed state I can go and try and do hard things and take big swings in the world and live my life.Why it mattersBabies cannot meet any of their own physical needs, so they trust and rely on us to care for them. This is the beginning of building safety. “The grownups in my world are safe.”As they get a little older, safety becomes not only physical but also emotional. They want to know that you can handle their big feelings. You are the person who will protect, not harm, them. They don’t need to be scared of you.The idea of safety also shifts as we see more behaviors. They might start to see safety as conditional. That they are safe and cared for as long as they act a certain way. It can also be based on the adult’s emotional capacity, patience, etc. When their safety is in question, the child becomes hypervigilant and aware. They’re always looking around trying to figure out, “Am I safe?”.Without a core belief that the world is safe, we start to see things like anxiety, dissociating, seeking safety in relationships (or rejecting relationships), and other unhealthy behaviors.What to doThe goal, then, is to be a physically and emotionally reliable caregiver for your child. This means regulating your nervous system, so that you can be calm and reinforce these core beliefs.Boundaries and rules are also important to creating a sense of safety. We don’t want to be too harsh or rigid, but predictable routines and limits help kids know what to expect and show them that their adult is going to do what they say they will do. I like to think of these rhythms as a metronome in the background of life.Belief #2: I am lovable.You can also think of this belief as “I'm good enough”. We want our kids to walk through the world believing that they're good enough exactly as they are. That they're worthy of love, and you accept them unconditionally.Why it mattersKids have a really hard time separating themselves from their behavior. So when you communicate that you don’t like how they’re acting, it can be confusing. They can take it to mean that you don’t like them. Or that you only love them when they’re behaving a certain way.This means that you have to actively communicate to them that they're lovable no matter how they act, that they are good enough, and that you accept them exactly as they are. They don't have to do anything or be anything different in order to receive your unconditional acceptance. They can't earn your love, and it can't be taken away.When a child goes through life thinking that they're not good enough or they're not lovable, they show up with a lot of people pleasing behavior. They may be perfectionistic. They may deny their own needs or their own ideas. They might squash down their creativity or intuition because they think they need to show up in a certain way in order to be accepted by the adults in their life.What to doOne of the really difficult thoughts for us to work through as parents is, “I love my kid, but I don’t like them right now.” We have to actively work on shifting that to, “I like my child no matter how they act.”Let’s be honest, this is more challenging with some kids than others.One of my favorite tools is called a Delight List. You write out a list of things that you like about your kid. Then, you can communicate to them, “I like you”, “I find you delightful”, “You're my kid and I enjoy having you in particular as my kid”.I want to clarify one thing: Unconditional acceptance does not mean that we’re letting misbehavior slide. The difference is in the way that we communicate boundaries and consequences. It’s the frustration, blaming, anger, and shame that we’re getting rid of. You can have compassion for why your child might not want to follow a particular rule, while also being firm.Remind yourself that they are still learning how to follow directions, delay gratification, and control their impulses. They’re little, and they’re figuring it out.Belief #3: I’m capable.This is the belief that I can handle things, I can figure stuff out, and I know how to take care of myself.Why it mattersIn order for your child to believe that they are capable of learning, growing, doing new things, and mastering new skills…they have to make mistakes.And this isn’t just about learning to clean up their messes or tie their shoes. There’s so much growth going on beneath the surface. Kids are also learning how to manage their nervous system, regulate their emotions, delay gratification, and understand cause and effect.They’re going to make a lot of mistakes.If you get frustrated and angry when they make those mistakes, you end up communicating to your child, “You’re not good enough, and it doesn’t seem like you’re capable.”What to doNormalize misbehavior and mistakes. Make sure your child understands that they’re not “bad” when they mess up. They’re still learning. This means that you want to create an environment where it’s normal to not know how to do everything.When you start to feel frustrated, try looking at your child’s behavior through a different lens. Where is that behavior coming from? Is it emotional immaturity? Physical immaturity? An immature nervous system? Lack of skill? If you can see your child's behavior from a neutral lens (or even a compassionate lens), then you can be compassionate towards them.Adopt a growth mindset that your kid gets to be a beginner. They get to work towards higher and higher levels of skill. They won’t be good at everything (including behaving), and that’s okay.Coaching Your Kid Through Negative ThoughtsSometimes kids will share with you the negative thoughts that they have in their heads. They might think things like:You don't love meYou hate meI'm stupidNo one likes meI'm a bad boy/girlEveryone is mad at meIt can be difficult to hear that your child is thinking these things. But it is beautiful that they feel comfortable sharing those thoughts with you. And it gives you the opportunity to coach them through it.Here’s how:Validate their feeling. Narrate back what they said to you. Name to emotion(s) you think they might be feeling. Ask them, “Are you thinking…?” “I wonder if you’re feeling…?” Let them know that the way they’re feeling makes sense.Don’t get defensive or minimize or dismiss what they’re telling you. Instead, you can mirror back to them, saying something like:“I know that you're safe. I would never let anybody hurt you.”“I know how I think. I know that I don’t hate you. I love you no matter how you act.”“I know for sure that you’re capable of doing your math homework. Mistakes happen. You’re still learning, and that’s okay.”Allow time for them to regulate. Maybe they need a little hug from you or to move their body a bit.Coach the mind. Explain that those negative thoughts come and go, like clouds in the sky. They don’t have to stay.Here’s the underlying message:Hey, you know what? You're safe in this world and in this family and in this environment. No matter how you act, you're lovable. I'm going to know you're capable even when you make mistakes. I'm here to support you no matter how you act.And just in case no one has ever told you, I want you to know that I know that you are safe, you are lov...

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Mean Mom Groups & Other Mom Drama

Apr 900:40:49Tap to summarize

If you’ve experienced mean mom groups, mom drama, cliques, gossip, rumors, and nastiness, you’re not alone (and you’re not imagining it). Today’s episode is an honest conversation with my friend Danielle about these topics, as well as some loving, kind ways that we can support each other as moms. You’ll Learn:Similarities between matrescence, motherhood, and adolescenceHow insecurity shows up as “mean mom” behaviorWhy I didn’t feel like I fit in with other momsA personal story about mom drama and feeling left outHow to bring more kindness to other momsWe're all trying to figure it out. The more kindness we have for ourselves, the more compassion we can have for others.-------------------------------Danielle and I raised our kids alongside each other. We were in the same elementary school and community, but we also had different friend groups and different experiences. She is one of my favorite people to talk to about motherhood, so I’m so excited she’s here. Experiences of MatrescenceEvery woman in motherhood is going through some stage of matrescence - the process of becoming a mother. During this transformational time, we tend to experience a lot of the same insecurity, confusion, and overwhelm that we felt in adolescence. Maybe you’ve felt insecure or confused. Or thought:I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know who my people are. I don't know where I fit. I don't know if I belong.These are all super common during matrescence. Plus, once you think you’ve started to figure things out, everything changes as your child moves through stages of infancy, toddlerhood, preschool, elementary, high school, and beyond. Mom DramaWhen you’re going through matrescence, you’re also likely surrounded by other women who are also going through this transition. When you put a group of moms together, those insecurities can show up as immaturity and drama. And just as teen girls stir up drama because they’re insecure and not sure when they fit in, moms act out their insecurities in a similar way. Particularly when their kids are around early elementary age. When your kids are in preschool, it’s like you’re at war together. You’re sharing stories and struggles, comparing behaviors, and just trying to figure out how to get through it. It’s a very physical time in parenting. You’re picking them up, putting them down, dealing with sleep issues and potty training. It’s a daily battle, and you’re exhausted. Once your kid is out of diapers and strollers and is off to school, there’s a shift from physical parenting to emotional parenting. You start to look around and wonder, “Am I doing this right?” This is the stage when we tend to see “mean mom” behaviors that are driven by insecurity, fear, and the desire to fit in. BelongingThe preschool years are short. You may connect with other moms mainly in the drop-off or pickup line, and you know that in a year or two, kids will be heading in different directions and to different schools. During the elementary years, you might start looking for longtime friends, knowing that your kids will be in school together for the next 6 or 8 or 12 years. Now, you’re looking at other moms and asking yourself, “Are these the people we want to spend time with?” “What group am I going to be in?” You want to make sure that you and your kids are in with the “right” families and groups. What often happens then is that the insecurity of wanting to set our kids up for success and make sure we’re in the right group lends itself to observing, judging, and criticizing other moms. Then you get into comparison. And then you get into gossip. FearDanielle brought up a fear moms have of a “bad kid” rubbing off on their child. Especially if your kid is slightly divergent or working through emotional regulation issues, people tend to run away. It’s like behavioral issues are contagious. There isn’t a lot of grace extended in those early years. It’s a fear not only of their kid behaving badly but also insecurity around the parent’s ability to handle that behavior. Moms think, “I don’t even know how to parent that, so I’m just gonna avoid it.” JudgmentMany people also have the belief that your kid and their behavior is a reflection of you as a parent. So, when someone sees a child behaving badly, they might jump to the conclusion that the mom is a terrible parent. At this young stage of parenting, everybody is blaming everybody. Everyone's judging everybody. There’s this idea that if there’s misbehavior, something has gone wrong. Or if your child has emotional pain, it’s the parent’s fault. Danielle points out that, “we’ve created a culture where we recognize that kids go through painful experiences. They have a lot of emotions and sometimes they're really big and sometimes they lead to behavior that isn't great. And we've done a great job of creating language around that and acknowledging that that happens to children. But we haven't gotten past the fact that all of that obviously lies at the feet of the parent. Every child's outburst, every child's pain, every child's misbehavior, every child's tantrum is because the parent is doing a bad job.” CliquesAll of these factors can sometimes lead to cliques and excluding other families. It can lead to a mean-girl mentality. When one of my sons was in kindergarten, I had the experience of being pushed out of a mom group. I felt like I was in high school, being excluded. It was so painful. And as I've talked about this story with other moms, they have shared with me similar things that have happened. Finding Compassion for MomsI want to offer a new lens for all of this. Other women are going through this matrescence transformation, too. They’re trying to figure it out, too. Everyone is really scared. We all want our kids to be okay, and we don’t want to mess them up. But hurting other women in the process - gossiping, spreading rumors, judging, criticizing, shaming, and blaming - is not the way to do it.We can make decisions that work for our children without being cliquey.We don't have to act like teenage girls and talk a bunch of shit and exclude people. If we can build a little more awareness, it might avoid people getting hurt. Danielle adds that operating from fear and exclusivity is detrimental. You get less perspective and understanding. It actually goes against the goals we have for our kids. Encouraging people to be more inclusive will enrich their lives and the lives of their children in ways they probably can’t foresee. This is how we build empathy. Model your valuesBullying has been at the forefront again lately. There’s been a good effort to teach kids about bullying, including creating the “buddy bench”, where kids can sit if they need a friend.What’s the point of these efforts if kids then hear moms bullying each other at home? We know it isn’t possible to invite everyone to everything all the time. But what about the mom who’s struggling, feeling lonely and isolated? Where’s her buddy bench? You don’t have to become best friends or invite her to every single moms’ night out. But we can still be lovely and kind to each other. We can not talk shit and refuse to be a part of the rumor mill. Danielle said it beautifully:If we don't want kids to be bullied… If we don't want our kids to be the bullies…If we want our kids to feel that they're growing up in a safe community…WE have to demonstrate that.We're all in some stage of motherhood and matrescence. We're all trying to figure it out. The more kindness we have for ourselves, the more compassion we can have for others. Previous Episode:Episode 2.13 - Matrescence with Dr. Angele CloseFree Resources:Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!In this free guide you’ll discover:✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet hereConnect With Darlynn:<a href="https://darlynnchildress.as.me/chat" rel="noopener noreferr...

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Matrescence with Dr. Angele Close

Apr 200:51:25Tap to summarize

Dr. Angele Close is back to talk with me more about matrescence - the transformation and experience of becoming a mother. Motherhood comes with so many changes, identity shifts, frustrations, overwhelm, delight (I could go on all day). You’ll Learn:What matrescence isHow the transformation of motherhood looks different at different stages of lifeCommon experiences and struggles of matrescencePractical strategies for processing the changes you’re going throughWhy it’s so hard for moms to give validation to themselves.It’s a big deal to become a parent! We are forever changed by the experience. Today, we’re diving deeper into what it means to go through this process, how it changes us, how it's like adolescence, and the beautiful gifts that come with becoming a mom. ------------------------------------As you may remember from our previous conversations, Dr. Angele Close is a clinical psychologist, motherhood coach, and mindfulness teacher who draws on the Internal Family Systems (IFS) model of healing and transformation to support maternal mental health and well-being. She helps mothers navigate the identity shifts of matrescence, releasing perfectionism and shame so they can embrace motherhood with greater self-compassion, confidence, and joy. Dr. Angele is also a mother of 3 teens and the author of Unburdening Motherhood: A Guide to Breaking Cycles, Healing Trauma, and Becoming a Self-led Mom.Transformational StagesWe all go through certain periods of transformation in our lives. Two of the biggest are adolescence and matrescence, and Dr. Angele shared some comparisons between them. She says that each of these is a transformational journey that every woman who becomes a mother will experience. Just as your body, identity, and friendships change during adolescence, your mindset, identity, career, and relationships also change over the course of motherhood. And while we all go through this transformation, every person’s experience is unique. Matrescence begins in the moment that you start thinking, “I think I want to be a mother” (or, “Oh shit, I’m going to be a mother!”). And it lasts as long as you are a mother.Because this covers such a wide range of time and experiences, it can also help to pinpoint where you are within matrescence:Emerging motherhood Early motherhoodLate motherhoodPost-motherhood (this is where I am right now)Depending on your stage of matrescence, there are some common patterns and experiences that Dr. Angele has seen come up for moms. Fantasy v. RealityThis is a big one in early motherhood. Chances are, you had a vision in your mind of what it would be like to be a mom. Maybe it was carried with you from childhood, when you pretended to be a mom to your dolls. Personally, I had a vision of strolling down Venice Beach in a cute outfit with my nails done and perfect hair. I had no idea what it was actually going to be like. The lived reality of motherhood is usually a bit different from the visions in our heads. Suddenly, you’re dealing with sleep schedules, feeding schedules, figuring out how to manage your time and energy in a whole new way. There’s a heavy mental load, lots of new demands, and you’re mentally and physically exhausted. The next thing you know, you haven't showered in days, you forgot to brush your teeth, haven't put a bra on, and can't figure out how to get you and your kid(s) out the door.It can be a little bit of a rude awakening compared to that vision of walking along the beach looking beautiful with the wind blowing in your hair! You probably realize that there are parts of momming that you don’t like. And then you feel like a bad mom. When you’re early on in matrescence (the first 4-5 years), it’s kinda like early adolescence. It feels awful, you don’t know who you are, and you’re confused about what you’re supposed to be doing, what matters, and what doesn’t. That confusion of identity leads us to…The Inner SplitMatrescence isn’t just about schedules and the demands of motherhood. It is a full transformation of identity. Matrescence can be really uncomfortable and isolating. You might feel torn between who you were as a woman and who you are becoming as a mom. Between what you want and the limitations that you’re facing. Dr. Angele explains that most moms make their child a priority, which is natural because babies are so dependent on us for survival. But as time goes on and our inner needs and ambitions are constantly sacrificed, that stuff starts to bubble up and seep out. You might start to test the waters by mentioning the way you’re feeling to family or friends. And too often, it’s invalidated or responded to negatively. When you’re afraid of not being seen as a “good” mom, you’re less likely to be honest about what you’re going through. And social media doesn’t help. Those curated feeds give you the idea that you’re supposed to look or act a certain way. So you think, “Oh, I guess I’m just not doing this whole motherhood thing right.” Then the shame and guilt come in (which Dr. Angele calls “inner emotional poison”). Ultimately, Dr. Angele says, “We just want to feel validated in our experience. We don’t want someone to solve it for us. It really is about us finding our own way through, but there’s just not enough awareness and support.”Why Matrescence MattersDr. Angele says that learning the word matrescence “put a language to what I'd been struggling with and feeling for 9 years.” She went on to say it was so validating to know that what she was going through was real and that it had a name. When we have a word to put to a feeling, it helps us to make sense of our inner experience.Think about adolescence and all of the knowledge and resources that exist to help get out kids through that transformation. Moms don’t have that right now to help them through matrescence. Without this word, so many moms think there’s something wrong with them. But they’re just mothers who are changing, shifting, and figuring things out. We deserve to understand ourselves and understand what we're going through.Instead of thinking about the struggles in terms of what our kids are going through (e.g. “Oh, that’s just what it’s like to have a toddler.”), what if we framed it in terms of the mother’s transition (“Oh, you’re struggling because you’re in the middle of an identity shift.”)?As I talk about so much with parenting, it comes down to curiosity. What is the unique inner struggle that this mom is facing? Processing MatrescenceFirst of all, let's normalize the fact that you shouldn’t know better. Everyone else doesn’t have it all figured out. It’s normal to struggle. Many moms have perfectionistic inner manager parts that just want to do it “right”. We want society to see us as successful, a “good” mom. We want that external praise. But trying to be Supermom depletes us. It doesn’t leave room for us to admit that we don’t know. You’re learning. You’re becoming. You’re on a continuous journey of figuring it out. Dr. Angele shared some practical tips that she teaches moms who are going through matrescence.Notice what the word “matrescence” brings up for you. As you’ve heard us define this process, how do you feel? What thoughts came up? Dr. Angele says, “Usually, when I tell moms about matrescence, I see literally see light shine, the eyes widen. They’re processing already that they now have a word that explains all the changes.”Next, now that you have a word for what you’re going through, think back on your experience. How does this new lens change the way you see your struggles and transformation? Dr. Angele says that in many moms, this is when the heart opens. They’re filled with self-love and compassion for themselves. “It’s like an awakening moment,” she says.The truth is, it’s hard to find space to be you within matrescence. But it is possible. Dr. Angele encourages us to take advantage of micro-moments. You don’t need 20 minutes of meditation to experience benefits. Try this:Dr. Angele’s “one-breath meditation”: Place your hand over your heart and take 1 deep breath.Take a breath and repeat 2 small phrases to yourself: “I know this is hard.” and “I care.” These simple compassionate gestures activate oxytocin and literally change your brain. You can think about this within the framework of the CALM Break, as well. C: Check in yourself. How am I doing?A: Align with your values. How do I want to show up?L: Label with love. This is a transitio...

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The CALM Break

Mar 2600:31:47Tap to summarize

If you’re a fan of the Pause Break, you are going to love the new and improved tool I’m teaching in today’s episode. And if you’re new here, the CALM Break is going to change the way you show up as a parent!You’ll Learn:Why you feel so stressed out as a parentThe 4 steps of the CALM BreakHow (and when) to use a CALM Break to stop yelling and feel less overwhelmedSome of my favorite thoughts for a more positive mindsetThe CALM Break is the new and improved Pause Break. It’s a step-by-step process for what to do when you find yourself overwhelmed, yelling at your kid, or just not showing up as the parent you want to be. Today, I’m breaking down what it is and how you can use it to show up as a calm mama.--------------------------------Why Aren’t You Calm?We all feel overwhelmed and dysregulated at times, especially when it comes to parenting. Understanding what’s going on can help you to be more compassionate with yourself and feel less out of control.Your nervous system has two parts: the sympathetic and the parasympathetic. The parasympathetic nervous system is the calm part. It's what we think of as “rest and digest”. It's a state of equilibrium and balance. For the most part, you should be living your life in the parasympathetic nervous system. These are the times when things are relatively easy, you know what to be doing, the demands on you are manageable, and you're able to keep up.When things become stressful - there is too much demand on you and you feel overwhelmed - your nervous system says, “Uh-oh, we can’t handle this,” and it decides that you need a bunch more stress hormones (e.g. adrenaline, cortisol, epinephrine) in order to deal with what’s in front of you. This triggers your sympathetic nervous system. That's the fight, flight, freeze, faint, fawn response. Basically, you either become activated or you shut down. At certain times in your life, this stress response can be really helpful and useful. But we’re not supposed to stay in an activated state all the time. The stressors in our lives aren't supposed to outpace our ability to manage those stressors.But kids (even if you only have one) create a lot of extra stress. You're constantly worried and looking out for their safety. You're constantly trying to problem solve. They’re melting down because their nervous system is immature and misfiring all the time. And then you add the everyday life demands of time, money, work, relationship drama, physical fatigue, and it can feel so overwhelming. A lot of the time, you can handle things as they come up. Somebody spills their juice, you clean it up, you move on. Give yourself a little credit here for not being a raging lunatic all the time! But there are also moments when your stress response takes over. Your brain tells you this is an emergency, your stress response activates, and it takes you out of your logical, thinking response. This is when you need to use the CALM Break to get your parasympathetic nervous system back online to manage the stress juice and get you back to a more balanced state. The CALM BreakListen, if you have kids under 10, it’s probably cuckoo pants all the time in your house. Under age 5, forget it. You've got kids climbing and jumping and throwing and spitting and punching and hitting. And you're gonna feel like you're going bananas (and you kind of are). Your nervous system is not ready for those demands. It’s not built to be. CALM is an acronym that helps you remember the steps to follow when you notice that you are overwhelmed, triggered, or dysregulated. CALM stands for:Catch yourselfAlignLabelMove Step 1: Catch Yourself & PauseThis step is about building awareness of how you’re feeling and when you are dysregulated. You can also think of the “C” as checking in with yourself. This can be as simple as noticing and saying to yourself, “Oh, I’m very overwhelmed right now.” When you interrupt your stress response, you are retraining your nervous system to respond differently to those circumstances. Step 2: AlignAlign refers to getting your nervous system back online with your values and your goals of becoming a calm parent. First, delay. Don’t do any parenting in this moment while you’re activated.Communicate to your kids that you're not in alignment. Say something like, “You know what? I'm getting upset right now. I love you, and I don’t want to yell at you. I'm going to take a CALM break.” Or, “I'm sorry, this is not how I want to act. I will talk to you about this in a few minutes after a take a break.”When you tell your children what is happening in real time, they will feel less afraid. They will feel less activated. Plus, as you start to get calm, they might start to calm down, too. Step 3: Label Your Thoughts & FeelingsNarrate for yourself what you're thinking and what's going on and name those feelings. I want you to do this with kindness and self-compassion. There’s no need for negative self-talk or criticism. Being hard on yourself will only activate more stress.Some common default thoughts include, “My kid never listens,” “My kid is so entitled,” and “They should know better.” These thoughts often lead to feelings of frustration, resentment, or discouragement. This is the piece where you get to really connect with your own heart and your own overwhelm and your own nervous system and give yourself some love. Once you label what you’re thinking and feeling, tell yourself, “Yes, this is hard, but I can get through it.” Step 4: MoveI think of this as “move your body, move your mind.” Moving your body is the best way to move stress juice through and regulate your nervous system. There are lots of great examples for this in the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet.Then, you can move your mind by working with your mindset. That means that you can shift the way you’re thinking and feeling so you get into a better state of mind. We're not bypassing or ignoring our feelings here. Instead, you’ll acknowledge them and then ask yourself:How do I want to feel? What thoughts will get me there? How can I move this moment forward with some positive energy?The fun thing is, you can get better at moving your mind and coaching yourself when things are rough. You get better at normalizing the stage of life that you’re in and telling yourself a better story about it. Here are some thoughts you can borrow when you need them:This is normal. This is one of my favorites!This is temporary.This is not an emergency. I have plenty of time.Kids are going to act out.This isn't a big problem.This is overwhelming, but I can handle it.I wasn't expecting this, but I can take care of it.This is how you label what’s true and move your mind to a more balanced state. When you are working the whole Connected Parenting Process, you will feel much calmer and your nervous system won't activate as much. When you feel confident that you can deal with misbehavior, you won't find it so overwhelming. Resources:Get the free Stop Yelling Cheat SheetFree Guide: 20 Ways to Reset Your Stress ResponseEpisode 2: Getting to Calm with the Pause BreakEpisode 8: Pause & Reset Your BodyEpisode 9: Pause & Reset Your Emotions<li dat...

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The Connected Parenting Process

Mar 1900:23:36Tap to summarize

I’m back with brand new episodes and a new name for my signature parenting framework!You’ll Learn:Why I changed the name of my signature parenting processThe 4 steps of The Connected Parenting ProcessHow my book is coming along!What to expect in upcoming episodesI want this process to be accessible to EVERY parent - moms, dads, bonus moms, stepdads, even grandparents. I want to talk about parenting in a more holistic way. Introducing The Connected Parenting Process.----------------------------------------I’m back from a 10-week hiatus of recording new episodes. The reason for that break is that I’ve been busy writing a book! It’s all about raising an emotionally healthy kid using connected parenting. More to come on that later, of course.Through the writing process, I realized some things about how I’ve been teaching about parenting and how I want to talk about it moving forward. For the last several years, my signature process has been called The Calm Mama Process. But now, I see that this title isn’t really fair to moms. It makes it seem like the mom is the person who's supposed to be calm and do all the connected parenting. I realized that in some ways, by titling my parenting philosophy “The Calm Mama Process”, I was putting pressure on moms to be the person who's responsible for parenting, and I was alienating dads in the process. I do not want to perpetuate these gender-typical roles and continue putting the emotional and mental labor of parenting solely on women. Frankly, I’m over anything that puts more pressure on moms. I’m done with it.I want this process to be accessible to EVERY parent - moms, dads, bonus moms, stepdads, even grandparents. I want to talk about parenting in a more holistic way. So, I decided to rename my framework The Connected Parenting Process.The Connected Parenting ProcessIf you’ve been with me for a while, this will sound pretty familiar. My process, whatever the name, has always been made up of these 4 parts: calm, connect, limit set, correct. When you practice those 4 pillars, you raise an emotionally healthy kid and you are a connected parent. Let’s walk through them together.CALMCalm is all about the parent and your connection to yourself. The tools, strategies, and concepts under this pillar support your emotional health and your ability to self-regulate. By learning to process your negative emotion, coach yourself through big feelings, and manage your mindset around your kid’s behavior, you will be calm.This is so important (and the first step) because the rest of the parenting pillars are really hard to access if you are not calm and regulated.CONNECTConnect is about connecting your child to themselves. You're teaching your child the connection between what's going on inside of them and how they're acting on the outside. You give them tools to connect how they're behaving to how they're feeling and then coach them to self-regulate.This is one of the main differences between traditional parenting and connected parenting. Traditional parenting is focused only on behavior modification. It doesn’t matter how the parent is acting or if it’s aggressive. It doesn’t matter what is driving that behavior in the child. The focus is solely on behavior and consequences.In connected parenting, we focus on the feelings that are underneath the behavior and on helping our kids learn to cope with their emotions (which means that they don’t need to act out).LIMIT SETLimits connect your child to the boundaries that work within your family. As a connected parent, you will set, communicate, and hold limits. Beyond your family, you’re using boundaries to connect your child to the world - helping them understand how the world works and giving them clear guidance and parameters on which behaviors are okay.This isn't a feelings-only or a behavior-only model. It’s a combination. You can have compassion for your kid and also not give in just because they’re having a big feeling (no way!). Helping them regulate that emotion and having a firm limit helps them to become resilient.CORRECTCorrect is where you show your child the connection between their behavior and the impact of their behavior. If they fail, they have to fix it. If they make a mistake, they have to repair that mistake. We're connecting behavior to consequences.In this model, consequences are not just meant to modify behavior. We’re helping them to see, in a logical, neutral way, that certain behaviors cause problems. Misbehavior might cause a time problem, an energy problem, or a money problem. You want your kid to start to connect the dots between their behavior and the impact their behavior has on others. And then do what they can to make it right.When you have those 4 pillars it means you are raising an emotionally healthy kid who turns into an emotionally healthy adult.If you are hitting those pillars pretty regularly in your parenting, you can kind of relax. That is what I really want for you. You don’t have to keep feeling like you’re never doing it “right”. Or be constantly overwhelmed.It’s pretty incredible to have a process that you can look to when you’re worried that you’re messing it all up. Go through the steps and check in. Ask yourself:Am I calm? Have I connected or emotionally coached my kid? Have I set a boundary here? Have I allowed my child to fail and helped them fix that mistake?The Connected Parenting Process is exactly what it sounds like. We want our kids to be connected to their parent(s), themselves, and the world, and to be able to work well within the world. The name itself will help you remember what you're doing here and why you’re parenting the way you are. Mentioned in this episode:The Stop Yelling Playlist - a curated playlist of top episodes from our archivesEpisode 58: Traditional Parenting vs. Connected ParentingFree Resources:Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!In this free guide you’ll discover:✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet hereConnect With Darlynn:Book a complimentary session with DarlynnLearn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.comFollow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tipsRate and review the podcast on Itunes

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All episodes

Preventing Meltdowns in the Long Term

How To Help Your Kid Calm Down

The First Thing To Do When Your Kid Acts Out

Better Connection with Margot Magowan

The Connection Tool [New & Improved]

3 Essential Beliefs Kids Need For Emotional Health

Mean Mom Groups & Other Mom Drama

Matrescence with Dr. Angele Close

The CALM Break

The Connected Parenting Process