← Becoming UnDone® with Dr. Toby Brooks
Becoming UnDone® with Dr. Toby Brooks
143 | Morgan Detrixhe's Journey: From Struggle to Sobriety and Redemption
01:02:51
Loading summary
Transcript87 lines
- [00:04]
A
This is becoming undone. So at that time, I was working at FC Dallas, and I was working 60 to 90 hours a week and getting paid 40 and just really having a hard time with the work life balance. And I know that athletic training and that position didn't make me drink the way I drank, but I knew that the way I drank and this work life balance was really not working out well. And I was really torn. You know, I was trying to self will it and control it. And I think probably for about a couple years into living in Dallas, you know, I thought, I'll do a detox, I'll do a cleanse. You know, I kept telling myself that I was going to grow out of it and get, you know, get healthier and clean and sober and be able to do it on my own. I just, I really hit this where I couldn't imagine my life with alcohol anymore, but I couldn't imagine not living with it. And I just really felt torn. And I knew I couldn't do it by myself anymore. And so I went and sought actual help. And that took me to a treatment clinic out in Plano, and I left my job at FC Dallas, and I took four months to kind of get my life together and reevaluate things. Hi, everyone. I'm Morgan Dietrich, and I am undone.
- [01:30]
B
Hey, friend. I'm glad you're here. Welcome to yet another episode of Becoming Undone, the podcast for those who dare bravely risk mightily and grow relentlessly. I'm Toby Brooks, a speaker, author, professor, and performance scientist. I've spent much of the last two decades work as an athletic trainer and a strength coach in the professional, collegiate and high school sports settings. And over the years, I've grown more and more fascinated with what sets high achievers apart and how failures that can sting in a moment can end up being exactly the push we needed to propel us on our paths to success. Each week on Becoming Undone, I invite new guests to examine how high achievers can transform from falling apart to falling into place. I'd like to emphasize that this show is entirely separate from my role at Baylor University, but it's my attempt to apply what I've learned and what I'm learning and to share with others about the mindsets of high achievers. Welcome back to another episode. If all goes according to plan, this will be two in the same weekend, which for me these days is pretty remarkable. We're closing in on a Thanksgiving holiday here in Central Texas, and I'm taking a little bit of a break from studying for finals to bring this newest episode to you. And I gotta say, it's one that I was particularly moved by. I always tell my students that I'm happy to connect with them on LinkedIn while they are my students in my classroom. And as soon as they graduate, we can be friends anywhere else. If they invite me, I really do appreciate the chance to stay connected and see all the wonderful things that they go on to do. Oftentimes, it's new jobs, new cities, new relationships, even new lives as they enter into parenthood. But for today's guest, Morgan Dietrich, it's been more than that. It's been recovery. As her college professor, I never knew she'd struggle. But in recent months on social media, she celebrated now three years of sobriety. I knew she had had an athletic career that had been impacted by injury, and I knew she'd reached her dreams of working in professional soccer. But what I didn't know was the toll that alcohol had taken on her along the way. Today's episode is one of courage, clarity, and redemption. I sit down with Morgan Dietrich, former student, gifted clinician, and someone whose story reaches far beyond the soccer field or the sidelines of sports medicine. From chasing her dream as a competitive athlete to battling addiction in the shadows, Morgan's journey is a powerful reminder that healing is not always linear. Sometimes falling apart is exactly how we begin to fall into place. You'll hear about resilience, the quiet ache of perfectionism, and what it really means to recover out loud. Whether you're a healthcare professional, an athlete, or simply someone navigating your own path through pain. This one's for you. I hope you'll enjoy my convo with athletic trainer and friend Morgan Morgan dietrich in episode 143. Let's dive in.
- [04:24]
C
Greetings and welcome back. Becoming Undone is a podcast for those who dare bravely risk mightily and grow relentlessly. Join me, Toby Brooks, as I invite a new guest each week where we can examine how high achievers can transform from falling apart to falling into place. Y', all, I'm really excited about this. One former student was always kind of a bright ray of sunlight in the the front half of the room. You were always, you know, kind of there on the right for me. Morgan Dietrich joining me today from the Dallas area. Morgan, thanks so much for joining me.
- [04:52]
A
Hi, thank you for having me.
- [04:54]
C
So today you are at Children's Health Andrews Institute for Orthopedics and Sports Medicine. You've got history with FC Dallas. You are a sports medicine professional. I remember you from your Days back at Texas Tech and several stories about you as a competitive athlete. But your story goes a lot deeper than that. Before we get into that, I always like to kind of start at the beginning. Take me back. What did you want to be growing up and why?
- [05:20]
A
So, growing up, I'm from born and raised in Lubbock, Texas. And it's funny how I ended up back at Texas Tech. You know, it's like Lubbock or leave it. Right. I. I was always a very active kid, and I never wanted to be in one place. And my mom tried to keep me very busy with all kinds of sports and stuff. And for whatever reason, my dreams were to become a professional soccer player. I really thought that that was going to happen. It took reality and several injuries and whatnot for me to shift my mindset that I was not going to become a professional soccer player, and that that's okay. But, yeah, I think from my earliest memories, I really wanted to revolve my life around soccer. Yeah.
- [06:08]
C
Well, I know a lot of us in athletic training, and I usually use that as an intro question to a lot of my students is, what sport did you play growing up? And, you know, when did that end for you? Because most of us are hangers on and has beens and never was is. And athletic training allows us to stay involved in sport even when playing is no longer an option. So you end up at Texas Tech and eventually in my classroom at the hsc. So kind of talk me through the college years and how you made the decision to pursue that career.
- [06:42]
A
So I got involved with soccer at the age of four, but I was the little kid picking dandelions, you know, on the field and not paying attention to the game. And then it's funny because my dad had to pull me out of the game. This is what my parents tell me. And I'm over there on the sideline, and I'm like, mom, can I color? Can I do the coloring book or whatever? And she's like, no, we're gonna go sit in the car. If you wanna play soccer, then you can go play soccer. And I was like, fine, I'll go play. And then once I admitted that I was going to go actually play, you know, I'm having fun. I'm chasing the ball around, and then, like, actually involved in the game. And then I was like, dad, that was fun. When do we get to go play again? Next week? And he's like, no, Morgan, that was the last game of the season. You're going to have to wait a couple Months. And from there I really got into soccer and I had a couple college scholarships where in high school summer camps involved, like, going to different colleges and doing the roll camps and just, you know, networking and trying to, like, engage with coaches on, you know, if I was eventually going to play for them. And my senior year, I had the female triad, where you have your acl, your meniscus, and your mcl. I totally blew that out and ended up having to have that repaired and reconstructed in my spring semester of my senior year. So I lost a lot of offers and a junior college took a chance on me and brought me on. So I went from that junior college, lost that scholarship, went to another junior college, and I was ejected from a car at that point. And so in the spring of 2014 is when I went back home to Lubbock. And I guess we can get into those stories in a bit, but I went back to Lubbock and I decided, you know what? I'm not going to try to keep playing soccer anymore. And I told my college coach that summer, after the end of the semester, hey, I'm not going to come back in the fall. And I ended up staying at Texas Tech and finishing school and through all my rehab processes of the knee surgery and the hip experience, I was like, I want to help kids get back into their sport after they have an injury and help them do what? I. I just felt like I couldn't do it anymore. And so that's when I finished undergrad and then got into the grad school program with you guys at Texas Tech.
- [09:09]
C
Right. Well, I think there's a really critical thing I want to kind of pull at a thread there.
- [09:15]
A
Okay.
- [09:15]
C
You're a competitive athlete and a high level one. I mean, you're recruited by a number of colleges, and on one side, there's the physical side of that, and soccer in particular requires elite level conditioning. I always make fun of it as cross country with a ball. I know it's more beautiful and elegant than that for, for soccer people, but the, the cardiovascular conditioning, the speed and agility, I mean, that's, that's elite level athleticism. And I know for myself, I always wanted to kind of squeeze every ounce I could out. So. My grandfather was an alcoholic. I wanted to be the best athlete I could be. My parents smoked. I mean, I, I was terrified of addiction because I had heard about the genetic link and I wanted to be the best basketball player I could be. Talk me through a little bit about your, your perception or, or how you approached maybe your, your Physical preparation in those early years and. And how maybe that played a role in your story later on.
- [10:14]
A
I took it all for granted. You know, I try to stay very active these days, and I am. I'm. I'm in fair shape for my age, but I am nowhere close to soccer shape like I used to be in. And I used to play, like, five and one weekend sometimes, and it just did not phase me. And so that's just. You know, there's that quote, you know, like, youth is wasted on the youth.
- [10:39]
C
Yeah.
- [10:39]
A
And I definitely took it for granted. My parents were very involved. They were very supportive, and they warned me about alcoholism running on both sides of my family with. With my mom's dad and my dad's dad, and I never got to meet either of those guys. And, you know, they warned me early on and high school, like, we're going to be careful. You know, we have alcoholism on both sides of our family. And I'd just be like, yeah, okay. And I just didn't know what that meant or what that looked like. You know, I just thought I was a normal kid getting engaged with the partying life, you know, And I think the. That being attracted to the party scene, it definitely messed me up becoming the athlete that I could have been, you know? And like I said, I took it for granted.
- [11:28]
B
I'm gonna hop in right here because I think it is a critical piece to not just Morgan's story, but to so many others. Now, I won't speak for everyone in my generation, but I will say that society's view on addiction, perhaps alcoholism most of all, has changed significantly during my lifetime. On one hand, there was this persistent belief. Belief in the idea of the town drunk and this notion that people who couldn't control themselves or their liquor were somehow deficient. They were lacking. They made poor decisions. They were somehow morally bankrupt, more than the rest of the folks in town. Yet, at the same time, we were also specifically taught and told about the genetic predisposition to alcohol addiction. There was a growing awareness surrounding how your family line could make you more or less susceptible to addiction. I remember the first time I accidentally took a sip of beer. I was in my grandpa's travel trailer, and I had set my Mountain Dew on the counter next to his drink, which I didn't know at the time. It was in a koozie or something. Well, without looking specifically, I reached and grabbed and took a sip. And it was perhaps the grossest thing I had ever encountered in my life. And from that one experience followed by the years that would follow, in which I found out about my grandfather's battle with addiction. I decided then and there that I would never take a drink. Now, by no means am I perfect, but this struggle in particular is not one that I've had to battle. As my teachers instructed us about the genetic linked alcoholism, and knowing what I knew about my grandpa, I was scared to death that if I ever picked up a drink, I'd never be able to set it down. So I kind of believe both of those truths simultaneously. For decades that struggling with alcohol meant a deficiency, but there was also a genetic link. But here's what we do know now. Thanks to decades of neuroscience and addiction research, we were never dealing with just bad choices. Addiction, including alcoholism, is increasingly understood as a chronic brain disease, One that affects the brain's reward, motivation, memory, and impulse control systems. It hijacks neural pathways and makes the pursuit of a substance feel not just desirable, but essential. And when someone has a genetic predisposition like Morgan described, it's not just about willpower. The brain might be wired to be more vulnerable to the effects of alcohol. Studies have shown that up to 50 to 60% of a person's risk for alcohol use disorder can be attributed to genetic factors. That doesn't mean it's death to, but it does mean that some folks are born carrying a heavier load. This is why it's so important that we start using the language of disorder, not disgrace substance use disorder as a diagnosable, treatable medical condition, Not a moral failing, not a character flaw. And until we fully embrace that shift, we're going to keep missing the point and losing people who never had a fair fight to begin with. For Morgan, although she'd heard her parents warnings, she never really considered how those genetic predispositions might impact her until they finally did.
- [14:32]
A
And, you know, my parents were involved. They put me in these camps. They put me. They had me practicing with a personal trainer. You know, I was practicing soccer three to four times a week, playing games every weekend. And then when college started, it's like a job. College soccer becomes a job. And I don't think I was ready to face that when college came around.
- [14:56]
C
Yeah, I laugh. I mean, I'm here in Waco now, but I am definitely a tech person at heart. And I get kind of a hard time for my colleagues sometimes. And one of my friends, just last week, I'd never heard, he said, if you can't get your grades up, get your guns up. And it just kind of broke my heart a little bit. Then to See somebody like Pat Mahomes who's, you know, in the wake of celebrating a Super bowl, he's. He's drinking beers, and he's being asked by reporters, like, you know, is that really the look you want? And. And I remember him saying, like, I went to Texas Tech. Like, I've trained for this. I mean, definitely, there's kind of a party school mantra around Texas Tech. But you grew up competing. How would you say at this point, your athletic identity influenced your relationship with performance, with perfectionism, with pressure, and maybe how being at Texas Tech morph that once you left being a competitive athlete?
- [15:54]
A
Yeah. Oh, man, that's interesting to reflect on. So the friends, my. My soccer friends that I grew up with in the competitive world, there was only a couple of them that continue to play college sports, and then there was a couple of them that locked in on. On school. And so most of us kind of stuck around in Lubbock. Some of us went to other universities, and I tried to stay in touch with a lot of those girls. But what happened? When I wasn't playing soccer anymore, I started going to school at Tech. I got a. I got a real job, you know, working at Pure Water Ice and Tea company, because in Lubbock, we need pure water. And. And I found myself being attracted to people that I gravitated towards in high school, which. It was like the party crowd or the athletic crowd, you know, and I was losing my connections with the athletic crowd, and a lot of that party crowd was still in Lubbock. And that's where I drifted to. You know, I still went to school. I still went to work. I paid my sister rent because I was living with my sister Rochelle, and she's like, you don't need to live with mom and dad. You can live with me and, you know, pay rent. And, you know, she was. She was a really good sister and didn't make me do it all by myself. And, I don't know, like, I. I was able to get stuff done as a college student, but I. I did get involved with this crowd of people that kind of changed the way that I live my life. You know, I don't. I don't really know. You know, I tried to stay active. I joined intramural soccer and, like, indoor soccer teams, but I would still find myself engaging in the party crowd before or after my. My. My fitness activities, you know, if that makes sense.
- [17:42]
C
Yeah, well, I'll tell you, to the outside world, I mean, I'm your professor, and you're fit, and you're fun and you're performing in the classroom. You've. You've got it figured out. You're not just in college at this point. You're in grad school and you're getting it done. And I will tell you, you sharing on social media I was thankful for, but also a little. I don't know the word for myself, whether it was embarrassed or ashamed or. I just felt like this was going on while you were in. While. While our worlds were intertwined, while you were a student in my program or in the program that I was working in. And to know that you were struggling with this, but you had this mask, I think it's safe to say, like, you weren't. It's not like anybody goes and tells their professor, like, their. Their personal struggles. I, I get that, but there's just this kind of juxtaposition between who I thought you were and maybe what you were battling at that time in your life. So talk me through a little bit about what maybe that. That two years of grad school was like. I mean, you passed the BOC professionally. You're. You're. You're making connections and you're becoming a clinician. Was the addiction simmering at that point or. Or talk me through the timeline.
- [19:03]
A
You know, I think I was a blackout drinker from the beginning. My first drink, my first, like, initial drink or intentional drink was when I was about 14 or 15 years old. And so through high school, my parents were very concerned, but they knew that, I guess based off their experiences as being high school kids, that that was somewhat normal. And they just, you know, kept me. I was grounded all the time. You know, my mom had me on a travel team to Dallas to play. Saw her competitively. So I wasn't in Lubbock on weekends. She kept me busy. And maybe, maybe I use that as a coping mechanism for stress and for being a perfectionist and to succeed in. And my goals is soccer specific dreams. I'm not quite sure. I think there's a lot more I could go into with therapy down the road to dig into that more. But it's funny you say that, because in the recovery world, there's this part in our book that we read, and it calls us Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. And we do. We have these two different realities to the outside world. They see us as fun, organized, respectable professionals, and then inside were actually just falling apart. Yeah. And it took. What it took for me to realize my bottom in grad school. I looked at grad school as an opportunity to really help me grow professionally. Because when I was getting close to finishing college, I was still pretty lost. And I knew I wanted to be in sports medicine, but I just wasn't. I didn't feel like I had matured very much, if that makes sense. And so I knew that grad school was really going to help me, push me out of that comfort zone. And maybe I was thinking I'd kind of grow out of my alcoholic phase or my big drinking partying phase. And grad school kept me, it kept me in check because I was busy at clinicals and busy with gross anatomy for that first 12 weeks and really, really busy. Right. And at this time I was living with my parents. And so I think just subconsciously I, I wasn't, I wasn't as drawn to that crowd anymore and I was focusing on this. Now, don't get me wrong, after big exams I found my chances to party. And you know, after a long day of clinicals and class and stuff, I would have a drink or two or three or whatever, you know, so it was definitely more controlled at this time. But I was still engaging in those activities. I just would say it wasn't as much as like Texas Tech trained me to be. You know, I didn't have tailgates all the time and we weren't going to Timmy's after class anymore.
- [21:57]
C
Well, it's interesting you say that because you go from the structure of soccer and a demanding schedule and coaches and trainers and parents who are orchestrating a lot of your life. We see that in a lot of sports. But I think clear to see that for you. You were in that and that gets removed. And then grad school maybe provides a little bit of that, but it's more self imposed. It's not like I didn't tell you when you had to work on your projects. I just said you have to get this done and it's up to you to get that done. Now you graduate and now you've passed the BoC and at that point it's like your life is yours to do as you please. Those external pressures or structures are no longer there. So where do you go from the graduation stage at United Supermarkets arena to where we are today? And you know, how did that start to influence maybe your day to day living?
- [22:55]
A
Yeah, so after the boc, I was pumped, right. My parents were very concerned for me. I was letting loose, right. And applying to jobs and trying to figure out what the next step was. And I'm, I'm kind of stuck on reflecting how your point of view, like how you could help a student. But I guess we could come back to that.
- [23:15]
C
Yeah, yeah.
- [23:16]
A
So moving forward into where I'm at now. Right. So after the BoC, we're getting close to graduation. I let loose, I was having fun, I'm graduating, I finished grad school. You know, I self willed my way through grad school and I mostly kept it together. You know, my mom, she's very concerned still because I was about to be living in Dallas by myself because that's where I wanted to be when I admitted that I wasn't going to be a professional soccer player anymore. I think I really had dreams of helping youth athletes when they have injuries, working in the sports medicine like rehab clinic like I'm at today and also providing some like peer and outreach to the soccer fields, which I'm blessed to say that that's what I'm doing and it's, it's really cool to fill that, to fulfill that dream. But she was concerned for me to be living on my own in a big city where there's lots of temptation and everything. And you know, there was one incident probably right after we graduated, before I found a position in Dallas working at an orthopedic clinic. We went all, went out to the roof. I mean it wasn't even midnight by the time I got in a car with a stranger and thought it was an Uber. And the Uber brought me to my parents house and he was trying to open the door and get into my house and thank God my dad answered the door and he was like, morgan, what are you doing? And I was like, sorry, I'm home, blah, blah, blah. And I just rushed in and the guy that was, that drove me home just took off running to his car and got out of there. Like thank goodness my dad was there, you know, so the, the situations I put myself in, my mom was just like, what is she doing? You know, and you know, we were hoping that I was going to grow out of this and for me to get through grad school and be, you know, getting away from that old crowd of people and surrounding myself with growing professionals and then now this is happening again. She was very concerned. And so when I moved to Dallas, I don't know, I don't know what happened, but I just went right back into those old behaviors. I found people from Lubbock who moved out there and I just gravitated towards that crowd again. And you know, they would judge me for working so hard and they tell me to come party more, but I'd be like, but this is my job. You know, as an athletic trainer. We know that we're working 60, 90 hours a week to. To achieve these goals that we want to live in the sports world. And, you know, I just thought, you know, when I get here, I'll be better. When I get here, I'll be better. And, you know, I keep crossing those lines, and it would just get worse and worse and worse.
- [25:57]
C
I can tell you from the outsider looking in. I mean, granted, social media is a sliver, and it's a curated sliver. People put what they want to put up there. I see you're working with FC Dallas. I mean, I'm. I'm a proud papa in a lot of ways for so many students, never knowing, never having any inkling that this was going on. And as athletic trainers, we're helpers. We care about people and particularly the people that we know. So to kind of go back and maybe drill down a little bit on that, that idea of what maybe I or other faculty members, you are in that role now where you're working with young athletes and, you know, maybe what are. What are some questions we should be asking, or what are some behaviors we should be seeing, or how could your experience help you inform someone who. Who wants to be there and to serve people who are maybe struggling like you were struggling.
- [26:54]
A
You know, when I have these kids come in and it's not just their first surgery, it's their second knee surgery, and then now they've heard hurt something else, and they just feel like they're in rehab all the time and they're not getting to engage in their sport. You know, I kind of remember being in that position where I was just like, I just want to play. I'm burnt out. And I think this, at this point, this is a good time to offer different coping styles, because this was when I was at the point where I was just really engaging in those party behaviors. And when I see these kids come in and I know they're burnt out and they're tired of rehab and they don't want to be there, but their parents are making them be there because they need to get stronger. You know, they look tired, they look checked out, they look burnt out. You know, they're. They're not sleeping, they're not eating. And I think we've always known to know those questions, but those are things that I really look out for. And sometimes I'll ask them. I'm like, you were up till 4am and they're like, yeah, I'm like, what were you doing? Have you been. And I'll tell them, like privately I'm like, have you been drinking? You know, and a lot of times they're going to tell me no, you know, but I think that they know that I'm. That it's on my radar, that I try to be a safe place for them and I let them know, like, if there's anything that you need to talk about, like, I know you probably don't want to talk to me about it, but whatever you share with me stays between me and you. And I just remind them that I'm a safe place. And we have opportunities for, within our clinic now for sports psych, and we have this lady that will refer to if, if parents and the patients are willing to go that route, you know, so I can't take on all of that, but I can say, hey, I'm listening, I hear you, I feel you. Like, this is what I think we should do. And I try to refer them off to, you know, see another professional that would best.
- [28:45]
C
Right.
- [28:46]
A
Help them out in that way.
- [28:47]
C
Yeah, I think that's a great perspective and certainly your experience, you wouldn't have chosen it, but it definitely has prepared you to serve and to minister in a way that if you hadn't been through that, you wouldn't be as well equipped to have those conversations. One thing that stood out to me in my conversations with people who have, who have overcome tremendous adversity is oftentimes it starts with a single decision. There might have been a few points along the way that we see as rock bottom, but at some point we ultimately make the decision to turn and to pursue a different path. Take me back to the moment when you knew something had to change. What was your personal rock bottom? And what would you say it's meant for your identity?
- [29:33]
A
Yeah. So at that time I was working at FC Dallas and I was working 60 to 90 hours a week and getting paid 40 and just really having a hard time with the work life balance. And I know that athletic training and that position didn't make me drink the way I drank, but I knew that the way I drank and this work life balance was really not working out well. And I was really torn. You know, I was trying to self will it and control it. And I think probably for about a couple years into living in Dallas, you know, I thought, you know, I'll do a detox, I'll do a cleanse. You know, I kept telling myself that I was going to grow out of it and get you Know, get healthier and clean and sober and be able to do it on my own now. I didn't talk to doctors about it. I didn't talk to anyone specifically about it. I just thought I could do it. And the more I fought it, it was like the worst, the worse it got. And so at this time, you know, before I started working at FC Dallas, I had my hip reconstruction done because from that car wreck back in. When I was going to school in Kansas, I ignored my hip pain for like seven years and just thought, you know, yeah, I broke my hip, it's gonna hurt. So when I went to, I got health insurance, you know, working as a athletic trainer in an orthopedic clinic, and they referred me to a hip specialist. I finally got that hip fixed, and I thought, you know, I won't be in pain anymore. I won't be self medicating anymore. I just thought that all of, all of those things were going to really help down the road. And while at FC Dallas, you know, I just. I really hit this place where I couldn't imagine my life with alcohol anymore, but I. I couldn't. I couldn't imagine not living with it. And I just really felt torn. And I knew I couldn't do it by myself anymore. And so I went and sought actual help. And that took me to a treatment clinic out in Plano, and I left my job at FC Dallas, and I took four months to kind of get my life together and reevaluate things. And then I sought out a new job opportunity.
- [31:52]
C
Yeah, and that's difficult on so many different levels. Right? I mean, professional soccer as a clinician becomes almost like a substitute for those dreams young Morgan had of being a professional athlete playing soccer. And so shame oftentimes gets kind of just mixed in with this and guilt and self inflicted harm, psychologically or otherwise. You've walked a path that lots of folks maybe feel too ashamed to talk about. And there's a fine line. I mean, I know from my own personal struggles, I want to share just enough to be an inspiration, but I don't want to overshare so that people think I'm bragging about it.
- [32:35]
B
Right.
- [32:36]
C
In your message back to me, when I asked you to consider being on the show, you said, I like to say that I recover out loud so that other people know the way out. Can you tell me more about that and what that mindset's meant to you as you've navigated recovery?
- [32:50]
A
Yeah, I definitely relate to the shame and the guilt, especially in the beginning when I was lost and I didn't know how to move forward, and I wasn't with FC Dallas anymore. Like, that was a huge aspiration of mine. And then just to be like, I can't do this, you know, I'm mentally unwell and I. I just can't do this. I can't pour from an empty cup anymore and take care of this job anymore. I was, you know, I felt defeated. I felt like I failed, you know, and it took, it took, it took some time and being recovering from alcoholism for me to. To realize, you know, I have nothing to be ashamed of. You know, I'm trying to better my life and have a better future and, and be a better. Be a better Morgan, be a better health professional, be a better member to my family, to society, you know, and that. It. If someone would have planted the seed in me in a younger, at a younger age, maybe I would have been able to catch on faster, but I didn't really have that. I just had my mom telling me, like, hey, this is, you know, you have alcoholism in your family. And I just didn't know what that meant. Like, cool mom, you know, thanks for letting me know. And. And I guess she didn't really know what to look for either because she was pretty young when her dad died. And so all of that being said, we just were just trying to see what would happen. And I think, I think after growing and going through life and realizing like, hey, I was just sick, you know, I'm not a bad person, I was just sick. I've started to be more recovery out loud and share my experiences, and I get hesitant. Like, with this podcast, I. I'm like, oh, gosh, you know, talk about it to the health professional world, you know, that's, that's a jump. But if. If I was really struggling alone and someone that I knew or was in the same medical field as me or whatever, you know, if I heard someone going through those struggles, I'd have some courage to, to be able to say, like, okay, yeah, I can. I can do this.
- [34:52]
B
The very first episode of this show was my interview with the incredible Joseph Skorjeski, a self described addict turned counselor who has now ascended to Executive director of the Hazelden Betty Ford Clinic in Rancho Mirage, California. I met Joseph as part of a week long immersive program for healthcare providers called the SIMS Program that he helped build. Each year, hundreds of physicians, counselors, and in my case, athletic trainers get to spend a week immersed with the professionals and the residents in one of the most well known drug and alcohol recovery programs in the world. To say the experience was eye opening for me does it a grave disservice. At the time, I personally was in a pretty dark place, struggling with depression and feelings of absolute worthlessness, but doing my best to hide it all. Learning about the nature and the treatment of substance use disorder was one thing, but seeing it firsthand, making changes in patients lives was quite another. The facility was originally founded in 1982 by former first lady Betty Ford. The sprawling 20 acre campus has a large water feature called Lake Hope that has a walking and meditation trail trail all around. The lake was built through a donation from the late Bob Hope, who was good friends with the former President Gerald and his wife Betty Ford. And I'm just now realizing that this is where my love for lakes and water fountains, quiet prayer walks really got its start. Each day at the conclusion during the experience, we were given a few minutes to spend time in reflection. For me, I walked around the lake thinking and praying, hearing that fountain and seeing that reflection. And for me, I was struck not only by the depths of my own sadness at the time, but for what I was learning and how it was changing each and every day. I went with no real expectations. I really didn't know what it was all about. I'd been chosen and I thought it would look good on my resume. Honestly, alcoholics and addicts needed care for sure.
- [36:55]
C
Sure.
- [36:55]
B
But I wasn't sure what that had to do with me as a professor and as an athlete trainer. And what I learned is, in a word, everything. I quickly changed from judging the patients to being amazed by them as they shared their stories. I learned about the struggles and the adversities that they'd faced oftentimes early in their childhood. Without exception, I walked away from each group therapy session amazed at the bravery I'd seen and heard before me. I'd been assigned to an all male group of eight guys. One was finishing up his stay and he had been there for almost four weeks. Others just a week or two. One had just gotten there the day before I did. All had put a full stop to their lives, sought care and were actively working on themselves all day, every day. I suddenly saw the irony. I thought I'd been so brave to put on my mask and try to just tough out my sadness without getting into any help. That's what I had allowed society to tell me the tough guys did. At the same time, these eight guys who I'd silently judged probably were now the ones I saw with the real strength to be Honest, it breaks my heart to know that Morgan was likely suffering through, at the very least, a simmering alcohol abuse disorder while she was under my watch as a student in the program that I taught him. And it's easy to rip myself apart, part in retrospect. The reason I'm telling you this is because I know Morgan didn't have to accept my invitation to be on the show. And even if she did, she didn't have to share the likely painful memories of things she'd done in the past, but she did. Because just like those eight guys in Rancho Mirage, she's brave. She not only wants to get better, she wants to be better and to inspire better for others who are struggling through their own circumstances. For many of my students, the thought of working professional sports seems like the pinnacle. It's the dream. It's an absolute dream come true to arrive there. But the strength it would take to summon the courage to walk away from that in order to get better is starting to heroic.
- [39:03]
A
So there was definitely a big shift, and that's happened over the years. You know, I'm just over three years sober now. So, yeah, I think. I think, you know, if we let people know that there's a way out, then they don't have to be alone anymore.
- [39:18]
C
Couple of things you said there that. That really resonate for me. First of all, the notion that addiction is illness. That wasn't something that I was raised like, there was a town drunk and he had made poor choices, and he was reaping the consequences of his poor decisions. Right. That was what my perception of. Of what it meant to be an alcoholic or an addict. And just like you said, you. You have an unhappy triad in your knee. You've got a hip surgery. I mean, physical injuries in athletic training, we treat those all day, every day. There's no shame, there's no stigma associated with tearing your acl. But if an athlete's struggling with depression or anxiety, suck it up, you're weak. You know what? Why can't you just will your way out of this? And I think addiction is much the same way. We just don't have the compassion for it that I feel like we do with physical injuries. Have you seen that? Has that been your experience?
- [40:13]
A
Oh, yeah. I mean, even before I realized what was going on within myself, I judged even the people I had partied with. You know, I'd be like, oh, well, you can't go to school. You know, you can't keep a job. I mean, at least I'm going to school. You Know, I had, I felt very self righteous, you know, at least I don't look like you, you know, I'm not the, the homeless man drinking out of a paper bag, you know, and so I definitely have that, had that stigma myself. And so admitting powerlessness and needing help like that was, you know, I was just kind of torn. I'm like. But I'm, I don't look like that. You know, I have a job, I'm going to work. It was, it was a very difficult place to navigate. But I mean, I'm, I'm grateful I realized it, you know, and I don't know, I, you know, that makes me think about the kids I've been working with. You know, I keep telling them to push harder and you know, yeah, I have my times of compassion and then I have my times where I'm like, okay, I'm sick of you lollygagging, let's go. You know?
- [41:12]
C
Yeah, no, my, one of my favorite coaches always says the key is sometimes we have to know when to hug someone around the neck and other times we have to know when to give them a kick in the pants. And the best coach knows when to give that.
- [41:24]
A
Right.
- [41:25]
C
And if, if I'm underperforming and you hug me around the neck, you've just kind of encouraged me to just, just send it in like, you don't have to try hard here. And at the other end of the spectrum, if I'm hanging on by a thread psychologically and you kick me in the pants, who knows what's going to happen, right? So there, there's definitely an art to the science of motivation there. Another thing you said that that is worth celebrating three years sober, that, that's tremendous. Congratulations on that milestone. Those milestones oftentimes, you know, to someone that's not been through it, maybe they don't understand the significance of those things. What, what was like the end of day, one week, one year, one. What has that meant for you in your recovery process?
- [42:11]
A
So I wouldn't be here without a higher power. And I found God. And I'm really grateful for that because before any of this, you know, my parents took us to church occasionally. They grew up in the Catholic Church. I think they were pretty resentful at nuns and that whole system. And so they didn't force that on us. And so I wasn't involved with, with anything that led me to having a God in my life as a child. I was aware of it. I always believed in something. I just, I wasn't, I didn't have that relationship. And so going through treatment, you know, they encouraged me to find people who were going through the same things. Finding a recovery group, you know, and getting connected and, and doing those things that sober people do in recovery. And, you know, one day in miserable, one weekend miserable, you know, I didn't have that coping skill anymore. And my therapist at the time was like, Morgan, you're like a baby. We just took away candy from you and you have nothing to replace it with. And so what I learned is I had this spiritual malady. I was very sick. Mind, body, spirit. And I had to fill that with a relationship with God.
- [43:21]
B
If this exchange doesn't encapsulate what it means to go from being undone to becoming undone, I don't know what will. Morgan grew up free to choose in things of the spiritual nature. Like so many in those circumstances, she never really found a connection to God or even saw the importance of having a higher power in her life. However, when alcohol had contributed to a life that was spiraling out of control and her identity, once resting in soccer and career now untethered, she found herself in the midst of the full blown purpose storm. However, those winds and rains didn't come to destroy. They came to prepare. She found herself vulnerable, teachable, and yearning for a connection to something big, bigger than herself. That desire for connection to something deeper, truer and enduring, it's at the heart of many 12 step programs. While not all who walk the road to recovery arrive with a defined faith or religious background, the invitation to acknowledge a higher power can become a lifeline. For Morgan, it wasn't about reading a creed or joining a church. It was about relinquishing the exhausting myth of self sufficiency, efficiency. When everything else had fallen away, faith had become the scaffold on which she began to rebuild. The spiritual component of recovery doesn't promise an easy road, but it offers something more vital.
- [44:40]
C
Hope.
- [44:41]
B
It reframes weakness as surrender, not defeat. Dependence as connection, not shame. And in Morgan's case, God filled the void. The performance, perfection, and even well intentioned ambition could never satisfy. Her story reminds us that transformation often begins not with strength, but with stillness. When we stop trying to carry it all alone and begin to trust in something or someone greater.
- [45:07]
A
I was resistant, you know, didn't know what prayer looked like. I didn't have that kind of, that kind of training, you know. And so it was new. And I found this woman that I that inspired me. She looked like she was living a full, happy life. And she gave me suggestions and Recommendations and I took them and you know, I stay plugged in. And we like to say give service to those who are struggling and to give what we were given so freely out of someone else's free time, give that to others. And so being in this recovery world, I see people, life gets good, life gets better. They got the house back, they got the job back, all these things. But then they get complacent and they stop doing what's recommended. They stop relying on their higher power and they go back out. And you know, some of them it works for them and some of them it gets worse. And I think there's a little bit of healthy fear in me that saying, you know, keep doing this because it's working. And whatever I was trying to do before wasn't working. And so one weekend, one month in one year, in three years in, this has been a new way of life that I can enjoy and be of service to others and be present at my job and just be, you know, not every day I'm a hundred percent because I'm human, but I'm as the best as I can be because I choose this way of life, you know, so that's how I stay in it.
- [46:35]
C
Yeah, no, I, I've definitely sensed from, from several things that, that you've posted that you found a purpose. Lots of times it's said that we throw things that are way too small into God shaped holes. And whether that's success in sport or success in career or sometimes it's alcohol or drugs or relationships, I mean, sometimes these are really good things.
- [47:01]
A
Yeah.
- [47:02]
C
In an attempt to fill a perceived need in our soul that only God can fill. And it's one of the reasons I love being at Baylor now and I love Texas Tech. But there were always, you know, there was a point in a conversation with a student where I had to stop short. It's a state institution and I respect that. And I'm not going to try to lead you to the Lord in my office, but at the same time there have been conversations where I felt like that's what I wanted to say, but I wasn't really empowered to do that. So being at a private school allows me to maybe have those conversations. I can pray for my students before class. I can, I can go that, that extra piece. And like you said, recovery is multifaceted. Our personhood is mental, physical, spiritual, social. If any one of those is missing, then the other three are unstable. It's like a chair with four legs. If the spiritual leg is shorter than the other Three. The thing rocks. You know, it's. It's not steady. It's unstable. And that's a piece that I have, frankly, from. From a distance, watched you grow. And it's been so awesome to see what this path that you probably wouldn't have chosen has allowed to grow in your life. And so that's really the core of this show, is lots of times things don't go according to plan, but what sprouts in their place is even better and bigger and more beautiful than it would have been if it would have happened exactly the way we scripted it. How have you seen your dreams and goals and ambitions morph and transition since you've started down this path to recovery?
- [48:38]
A
So, you know, it's cool, because professionally, I'm still working as an athletic trainer. I'm in that sports rehab clinic, and I get to be out in the soccer field as much or as little as I want to be. Lately, I've kind of taken a break from it because I got engaged and I got a house, and life is good, and that was something I never thought I'd be able to have in my life. I never thought I could have a healthy relationship. You know, I never thought I'd get married. I never thought I'd be able to afford a house. So those little dreams right there, I mean, that's been huge, and they're very materialistic in a way. But I'm also very grateful because in that place of addiction and alcoholism, I was very alone. I was dishonest with myself. I was dishonest with everyone around me. My family, my colleagues, my professors. Know, I. I just. I was alone. And now I live a life where I'm vulnerable with others. I have these intimate relationships with people, women. I never really was a girl's girl before. I was always, like, one of the dudes. And so now I have, you know, a sisterhood, and I have God in my life, and I have a healthy partner, and that. That's just a miracle itself. And I love that I can, you know, do my job now and not feel guilt or shame and, you know, moving forward, I. I still have dreams about soccer. It's kind of funny. I had one the other night, and I didn't even think about it until you brought that up. But, yeah, you know, I'm, like, on the field scoring a hat trick, and, you know, I'm definitely not doing that these days. But I love that I can still be involved with soccer, and it. It's not the center of my life anymore, but it's still a big part of my life. Yeah, but. Yeah, I mean, those are ways that things have shifted and I just. And I've never would have even dreamed I was living this kind of life. And it seems like a simple life that most humans achieve, but not for this scale.
- [50:41]
C
It came at no small price.
- [50:43]
A
No.
- [50:44]
C
If you're to look down at, at your knee, you'll see a surgical scar. Your hip bears a physical scar. Sometimes in pursuit of big dreams, we encounter things we wouldn't have chosen. That surgery or that reconstruction, those kinds of things. Other times, it's mental. The scars we bear exist only in our own mind. If you could go back in time and talk to Morgan without the scars, what would you tell her?
- [51:12]
A
That's a fun question. Morgan without scars was very impulsive, so she wasn't scared to make mistakes. And you know, it's. It's interesting. I don't want to tell myself what not to do or what to do because I wouldn't be who I am today. Right. So I would just encourage Morgan back then, you know, not to be afraid to make mistakes, but to learn from those mistakes. And, and it's okay to make mistakes. And, you know, you have nothing to be ashamed of. You have nothing to be guilty of. Just, you know, keep learning and growing from those mistakes as you experience life.
- [51:52]
B
Morgan says that despite all she's been through, she wouldn't change anything because it would undermine the likelihood that she'd be where she is right now. I'm reminded of this scene from my favorite series of all time and coincidentally, my only real connection to soccer prior to this conversation with Morgan. Ted Lasso.
- [52:12]
A
Yeah, Keys. Hey, Jamie. What would you rather be, a lion or a panda?
- [52:17]
B
Coach, I'm me. Why would I want to be anything else? I'm not sure you realize how psychologically.
- [52:23]
A
Healthy that actually is. Yeah, I think that's what I would tell her.
- [52:27]
C
That's such a healthy viewpoint. Like, I love the fact that the perfectionism isn't there because that's a lonely place. That is a. A self destructive place. But in giving yourself permission to learn from things that weren't exactly right. Maybe just wrong time, maybe wrong choice, whatever. There's growth there. I can remember my very first interview for a graduate assistantship. And I'll go ahead and name drop. I still hate them to this day because they didn't give me the job. But I interviewed at Auburn, a phone interview with Auburn University. And I don't blame them for not hiring me now that I kind of deconstruct it because they. I don't remember the question, but my answer was, I've never failed. I don't know how to fail. If you hire me there, I will bring success. I'm going to win. I win in everything I do. Just this idea, this naive notion of I'm going to will my way to success. That kind of mindset is dangerous. A person that hasn't failed, hasn't been trying to do the right things. And, and the fact that you have been through what you've been through and your perspective on it is, I wouldn't trade any of it because it would jeopardize who I am, where I am with whom I'm with, and that's as healthy as it can be. I'm so proud of you for recognizing those needs, but also recognizing that the scars along the way are fundamental to who you are. Well, I want to be respective of your time. Getting talk with Morgan Dietrich, athletic trainer and just all around awesome person.
- [54:11]
A
I still call you Dr. Brooks.
- [54:13]
C
You can call me Toby. That's fine. It's all good. You kind of alluded to this in your sisterhood and in talking about family. What role did community play in your.
- [54:23]
A
Healing community like these days now?
- [54:26]
C
Yeah, yeah. Just. Just the fact of the matter is a lot of times perfectionists think they've got to fix it on their own, and there's a social aspect to healing as well. So talk to me a little bit about how the people around you have helped empower your success.
- [54:42]
A
Oh, yeah, absolutely. I mean, in the very beginning, I was scared, in fear, terrified, emotional, just crying all the time. And, and these women, they just lifted me up and they said, let us love you until you can love yourselves. They literally said that. And. And you know, I was in a place where I didn't have that kind of intimate. You know, I had my mom. I know my mom loved me very much and my sister, but they didn't know the dark and the pain like I was experiencing. These women have been through it, they've been there and they've grown from it, and they had each other to lean on and then they were there for me, you know, and. And yeah, without them, that would have. Who knows, you know, what would have happened without them. So I'm. I'm very grateful to them. And now, you know, as I can be one of those ladies, for the next person that's there struggling and fear, you know, putting my arms around them and saying, hey, it's okay, you know, I think that's a Big part of being of service to the community that I didn't have beforehand. And, you know, I. I'm very grateful for that, and that's something I take a lot of my free time. I had one girl tell me she was, like, 20 years old, and she wasn't ready to. To accept sobriety yet, but, you know, hopefully I planted a seed. But she was like, so, what do you do for fun? And I'm like, this is what I do for fun. And she's like, you're kidding me. This is not fun? And I'm like, no, I love it. Like, I love it. So that's. I feel like part of my purpose, too, you know, is just to be there for the next person, the next woman that's, you know, reaching out for a hand, for assistance, you know?
- [56:23]
C
Yeah, I've consistently heard that from folks in recovery. Just that notion that what are you going to fill that with? You know, what provides that release or that relief or other things. So I love that. I've heard it said that when words aren't enough, we sing. Music oftentimes expresses emotions that a lot of other things just can't. If we were to watch a montage of Morgan's life, what song would you pick to play in the background and why?
- [56:47]
A
Oh, wow. Okay. What song? I don't know. You know, I have a deep love. My dad raised me on rock and roll, so I'm thinking of, like, the who songs right now. Like, who Are you? That kind of song.
- [57:02]
C
Yeah, yeah.
- [57:02]
A
And then I have. I don't know if you know much about, like, edm, electronic dance music. There's a little bit of that coming in because it's fun and it's upbeat, you know? You know that song by the who, Eminence? Is it Font? Eminence? Font. I don't know. I just like the. The tempo, and in the beginning, there's not a lot of lyrics, and so something with that kind of. That kind of vibe. I don't know. I can't think of one specifically, but.
- [57:52]
C
No, it's all good. I. I have a mixtape. Basically. It's a Spotify playlist that I put together of all the songs that my guests pick. And so we've got that available. Well, if folks want to follow what you're doing, point me in the right direction.
- [58:07]
B
Where.
- [58:07]
C
Where could I point them toward? To you And. And maybe your socials, things like that?
- [58:13]
A
Yeah, my socials, my Instagram, my Facebook, my email, mndrygmail.com. and I'm okay with my phone number being out there, too. 945-249-0687. If anyone wants to reach out and they have questions or whatever, I'm happy to help in any way I can.
- [58:32]
C
Yeah, I appreciate that. What for? Morgan remains undone.
- [58:39]
A
It sounds cheesy, but being a mom, you know, I'm excited to grow a future with my partner and. And be a mom and. And raise kids. And what will that look like? I have no idea. He's like, how many kids do you want? I'm like, four boys. He's like, okay, let's start with one.
- [58:58]
C
I routinely pull my phone out as I'm scrolling social media and I'll share my wife. I'm like, here's another MIT grandbaby. Like, like, you know, children of my students.
- [59:07]
B
So, yeah, we don't have any of.
- [59:09]
C
Our own, but I'm living vicariously through my students now. The San sings. I see their pigs.
- [59:14]
A
Yes.
- [59:15]
C
There's a few in your class that. That have. Have some little ones running around. So.
- [59:19]
A
Yeah, that's awesome.
- [59:21]
B
All right, last little bit.
- [59:22]
C
I always stitch this in. If you can just introduce yourself and say, and I am undone.
- [59:27]
A
Hi, everyone. I'm Morgan Dietrich, and I am undone.
- [59:30]
C
That's awesome.
- [59:39]
B
Morgan's story is a powerful reminder that becoming undone isn't the end. It's often the beginning. Through injury, heartbreak, and addiction, she discovered what it means to rebuild a life grounded not in performance or perfection, but in purpose, faith, and connection. Her journey from hidden struggle to open recovery is one of courage, honesty, and hope. And for anyone feeling lost in their own undoing, her path forward offers a light and an inspiration to follow. I'm incredibly thankful to Morgan for dropping in, and I hope you enjoyed our conversation. For more info on today's episode, be sure to check it out on the web. Simply go to undonepodcast.com ep143 to see the notes, links and images related to today's guest, Morgan Dietrich. I know there are more great stories out there to be told, and I'm always on the lookout. So if you or someone you know has a story we can all be inspired by, tell me about it. Surf on over to unpodcast.com, click the Contact tab in the top menu, and drop me a note. Coming up on the show, I've got former University of Illinois women's gymnastics head coach Natalie Walton Walsh, who shares how her transition out of Division 1 sports has allowed her to walk fully in her calling as a consultant and a professional coach. Then I've got the incomparable Marissa Nelson, whose story began in rural North Dakota as she transitioned from teen mom and a single wide trailer home to now owner and CEO of multiple multimillion dollar businesses. This and More Coming up on Becoming Undone. And hey, if you're looking to go deeper, check out my brand new website@toby BrooksPhd.com it's your hub for resources, speaking info, one on one coaching opportunities. I'd love for you to check it out. Sign up for my newsletter and connect. Speaking of coaching. Also excited to announce the launch of my all new, all personalized all you coaching app@scienceofthecumback.com it'll launch this week and I've got a special price just for you. It's been built from the ground up specifically for those ready to turn their pain into purpose and take real steps toward the their comeback. Can't wait to share More. Becoming Undone is a nitre hype creative production written and produced by me, Toby Brooks. Tell a friend about the show and follow along on Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn at Becoming Undone Pod. And follow me at my new social handle Obi Brooks, Ph.D. on Facebook, Instagram X, LinkedIn and TikTok. Check out my link tree at linktr.ee tobybrooksphd. Listen, subscribe and leave me a review at Apple Podcasts, Spotify, iHeartRadio or wherever you get your podcasts. Till next time. Keep getting better.